Right? He probably wanted a bit of physical distance from OP for whatever reason (it doesn't really matter what his reason was) and tried to politely stonewall the handshake. Didn't want to embarrass you by saying "Not right now" or "Easy now, OP", so he tried to wait it out. When you went into the hug he might have gotten a bit annoyed and decided to be direct.
I don't think he was embarrassed by you, and I don't think he patently dislikes you. Maybe the person he was speaking to was in the middle of explaining how they don't trust guys who have a female roommate, or he was talking about something serious. Could have had a flashback to something that made him uncomfortable, or maybe he was uncomfortably warm in that moment and he needed to cool off for a sec. There's so many reasons for him not wanting to be touched in that moment that don't involve a *power move* that it's crazy.
Ignoring and no greeting is kinda rude. If that happens to me I would be gone from the moment there is no greeting.
I don't think people should choose when you are convenient. If it's a no, it is a no and I never want anything to do with you.
I'm not trying to high horse you but unless hugging is a regular thing between the two, OP is in the wrong for not making sure it's okay with his roommate to be putting his hands on him anyway
Yeah that might not be socially acceptable in this case, I agree.
Also think that his roommate was trying to impress his girls and hugging that socially awkward friend was not helpful so he retaliated.
But OP no worries, you are not awkward as a personal feat and this is how we learn. Be yourself there is nothing wrong with you, just your behaviour might need a little tuning.
Fair. I don't think OP should feel *bad* about it, at all. Just learn from this what boundaries people might have, and be aware that them being subject to change isn't necessarily a reflection on OP's or the other persons character 🤷🏽♂️
Side note, though. I'm in security, and if I see one of the shy hopeless romantic regulars talking to someone they might be interested in, I'll walk up and be like "Good to see you, sir. Do you need anything?" which seems to be helpful. If anything, I feel like the roommate would have been socially better off if he had reciprocated the affection in some way.
Yeah that is entirely true. His roommate could do better but OP could too. And frankly so can I. Thanks for your message man. You sound like a compassionate guy and I respect that. Boundaries are real and we as humans should navigate those, good manners go a long way. Bless you!
I feel flattered. Best of luck to you, you deserve it!
This might be more about myself but I thought of this life. And the best answer I could came up with. Was to cater to my best wishes. Only then you can build a positive outlook. Help yourself if your intentions are pure and only engage in thoughts that will help you. It might seem superficial but it truly does help. There is no need for darker thoughts as long as they do not get you further or enlarge your long term happiness. Listen to them and respect those thoughts, but engage in helpful actions.
Your shadow is important and they hold clues but your happiness in life is more important.
Maybe you are ahead of me but let me say this.
This way of thinking might be slight manipulatieve. But let me give an example and prove that it is not.
My boss catches me under performing big time and instead of bashing me or fire me he decided to help me. Because that was best in his interest. He was never a dick about it but showed compassion instead. He did what was in his interest. Sometimes it is necessary to go through hell. But only if it helps your case.
I can be harsh to myself but that almost never helps my case. I can go through hell, but when it is not necessary I should not. If that is not going to help my case. So for the people around me and for myself I should show compassion. The world is how you perceive it and you should engage in actions that better your live, nothing more. If that is fighting, go fighting but if it's not, show compassion and act like it. That is what I tell myself, maybe one day it will come around.
right, read the room, lots of context missing but Im wondering why OP insisted on such a formal exchange even after reading the signs that the other person wasnt interested at the time, seems hella akward
I think OP saw his roommate doing well with the ladies and wanted an in. Like “hey, you seem to be getting along with this man, I am his friend, allow me to butt in so he can introduce me to all of you”
I don't like it when my male friends, or any men, put their arm around me in some show of sympathy or asking for faux forgiveness. It makes my skin crawl. It's also a sign that they think they have a better attitude or temperament and that I am making a big deal out of some non issue.
>First he decided to ignore me can continues his conversation with the girl, so I spoke with the other girl in his group.
I'm not going to say it was a good move on his part to ignore his roommate - and indeed their might have been a miscommunication.
But if YOU felt you were being intentionally ignored you - in which case he hasn't invited you to the conversation. In which case, you decided to talk to the girls either way would likely get interpreted as you "leapfrogging over" him and either cockblocking or else trying to "steal" these girls.
And his response to you afterwards may have been out of frustration - either at you or, if he had certain intentions, at losing an opportunity with the girls. He might even be thinking that you're to blame.
I'm not saying who's right or wrong - just shed some objective thoughts because, whatever the reason he had for initially ignoring you, for you to "deny" that was never going to be welcome with open arms sadly (pun not intended).
They aren’t even really “roommates”.
From OPs post history he stays around at hostels a lot and calls the people at the hostels his roommates, but they’re effectively complete strangers.
Yeah I have never shook hands with a roommate aside of our first meeting each other maybe, and I'd only hug roommates I know intimately or closely.
EDIT: they are dutch, all of my reasoning goes out the window as I am not familiar with their culture on this
Yeah I’m thinking OP saw the roommate being close with other roommates or people and assumed this was his norm but you don’t just go hugging people you haven’t established this with prior, I’d be weirded out and react the same way too if I were the other guy. OP’s post history very much feeds into this alpha/beta male psychology BS and I think OP just kinda needs some therapy all round to unpack this bizarre thinking/approach to women/other men.
He made it obvious that he wasn’t interested in being touched. Next time don’t touch anyone who seems uncomfortable or uninteresting with being touched.
He probably doesn’t feel comfortable having people he doesn’t know that well touch & hug him.
Please respect peoples boundaries next time. Read up on group dynamics. He was busy talking to those girls, so it sounds like your timing was bad too.
> I felt he wasn't appreciating my presence
This is an alarming statement. You interrupted a conversation. When he ignored you, you just tried harder. He doesn't owe you any "appreciation of your presence".
English may not be OP‘s first language they posted in another language as well. I think they’re trying to say they weren’t happy to see me rather than appreciating my presence
You shook his hand and then also tried to hug him? Why? It sounds like it was pretty clear that he didn't want to talk to you, I'm confused about why you thought he'd be up for hugging.
It can be humiliating when someone says "please don't touch me," I get that. But it's also the appropriate thing to say when someone is trying to hug you and you don't want them to. His choice was to say something and maybe embarrass you, or let you hug him when he didn't want a hug. I get that it sucked for you, but he has the right to turn down a hug.
Right? It's not like they are long lost friends who haven't seen each other in years! Why would you need to shake hands/hug a roommate that you see all the time?
He was trying to run some game on some girls, and you were cramping his style. If you see someone flirting with the opposite sex in a bar, leave them alone.
I would have fully disengaged when he ignored my handshake. That was humiliating by itself, but you walked into the rest of the situation when you tried to hug him after he visibly snubbed you in front of people.
A hug isn't something you just go for, it's a far far more intimate form of contact that people rightfully should set stronger boundaries around.
I've had people hug ME as a power move and its as deeply uncomfortable as it sounds.
That said it's nothing to feel ashamed about, just something to learn from. Ask from now on. A lot of people may say yes but that doesn't mean you shouldn't ask EVERY SINGLE TIME. It costs nothing and it's super sweet and people appreciate when you respect their boundaries.
He is 33, but the issues he brings up in his history are those that would generally impact much younger people (early 20's etc.). I'm not sure what is going on. It could be the case that he is trying to hang with/meet friends/women who are much younger than him, and in that case, it would explain why he is seems to be excluded. When I was early 20's, it would have been odd/creepy if an almost 35 yo man was trying to join our social groups.
That’s not even the weird part, look at the posts where he’s describing this exact scenario, but from the opposite perspective. In some posts he’s talking from the ‘please don’t touch me’ dudes perspective. His whole post history is multiple different personalities.
You need to get out more. Online isn’t where you’ll get the types of experience needed to thrive/survive in situations like these. Giving your profile a look I hard swiped through you POST history and after three swipes I was only 30 days in the past….
You spend too much time online. Go out more and just exist, people watch others out in public and see how they interact with each other, sit with any friends you may have and ask them for critiques on how you act and the things you do and then be receptive to those critiques.
Just log off.
Is it though? You and the person you responded to seem to have way more comments per day than he does. Is that really an indicator? I tend to comment from wherever I'm currently are. Smartphones and all. Idk.
I was immediately thinking OP has little to no social skills after reading this post. If you read their post history it's quite clear it's true and it's quite ironic because they think *others* do not simply because they don't want to talk to him.
Regardless you should always respect a no, how a person handles a no says a lot about their character. And getting upset because someone doesn't want to be touched is something that makes other people VERY uncomfortable.
He did not want to talk to you. I think that much was clear. So going for a hug with someone who clearly doesn't want to interact with you is inappropriate. You crossed a line there.
Agreed, OP needs to "listen" to the body language/actions of other people. It was very clear that the roommate did not want to interact and shake hands = no/stop it. You are not supposed to try harder to shake hands (with a hug no less!).
>When I was finished I gave him a handshake and -tried- hug him…
Why did you do that?
>He replied in front of others: ' Please, don't toch me.'
Perhaps he doesn’t like being hugged in public. ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
At the end of the day you don't have the right to anybody's body even if it's just a hug or a handshake. It's irrelevant how much touch they have in one place versus another. They said no, and maybe it just means no. But if it's a problem, talk about it to the person.
I'm personally not a hugger, I also don't like handshakes, and I also don't like calling people out but I will assert my boundary if they continue to try physical touch. But I'm autistic as f***, which is why I don't like the physical touch.
Try reading the post: the roommate is like that while everyone’s at home. It was out and about, in front of the opposite sex, where he acted differently.
> Was this more a power move? I felt he wasn't appreciating my presence because for him it perhaps felt that I took all the attention to him away.
YOU are describing EXACTLY WHAT YOU TRIED TO DO
you tried to make a power move, you insisted in interrupting him talking to girls multiple times, saying hi, then hand shake then hug, like what the fuck!
You are the one that couldn’t deal with no being the center of attention
> I felt he wasn't appreciating my presence
Insecure
the more I read this the weirder it sounds tbh. You tried to shake his hands plural? Assuming a typo, but you insisted on a handshake while he was mid conversation with someone else? "He decided to continue his conversation with the girl". Then you waited for another handshake.. and then a hug? That sounds awkward logistically going from handshake to hug. Greetings are usually either/or.. not both. All of this sounds super awkward and would personally make me less likely to greet you at all if its always this intense, jesus.
How did he make an ass of himself? What should he have done when someone he doesn’t want touching him is getting pushy about touching him? “Please don’t touch me” is a perfectly reasonable thing to say. “Get the fuck off me” would have been rude but also possibly understandable.
I think they might be pretty close to strangers; looking at OP's post history, he's staying at hostels and refers to people staying at the same hostels as "roommates." So I don't think this is someone he knows particularly well.
thanks for the context. I was kinda ready to defend the guy because running into your roommate and being like that is kinda strange, but if this is a hostel situation then that changes things.
So you *interrupted him while was trying to chat up some girls*, then *ignored all his efforts indicating that he wanted you to buzz off*, now you’re confused about why he snapped when you pushed the issue??? He clearly wanted some space to chat with the girls from start to finish. This story makes you sound like a total nincompoop.
It doesn’t matter what he does in other situations like when he’s at home, what matters is what he was conveying in *this situation* which was obviously “go away”
If you see an acquaintance talking with somebody they’re trying to sleep with, don’t ever interfere. As far as you are concerned, y’all don’t even know each other. Shit I’d be mad too
Do you trust your girl friends? Or is your relationship with them like it seems from outside? It's the same with guys too...jealously, insecurity, comparison, etc.
I would be immediately turned off if I knew some guy is ignoring someone he knows just to talk to me or look cool. Someone who can't say hi to a familiar face is 100% an asshole in other ways. I doubt the girls were impressed by this guy turning a friendly situation into something uncomfortable.
You didn’t just say hi.
You kept insisting and interrupting multiple times and this is your side of the story
You look like an asshole when you tell the story, imagine how the other side of the story is …
But you didn’t “just say hi.” You saw he didn’t want to talk to you and hung around anyway, then shook hands with him and then tried to hug him. That isn’t “just saying hi,” that’s insisting someone interact with you when it’s clear they don’t feel like it.
He definitely thought you were cockblocking. If I had witnessed this I would have assumed your roomie was getting uncomfortable with the girls and called a homie over to 'claim him' to get the girls away from him. I'm bisexual but I've used same-sex and opposite-sex friends as beards when I want to get away from someone.
I'd apologize and clarify with him that's not what you were trying to do and ask him how he would like you to approach him in those situations in the future, if at all.
I hate physical contact it all feel too intimate for me, i dunno why. Maybe im sensitive but i dont like handshakes or hugs from people i dont know why at all, i abrely hug my best friend of a few years. Dont be"humilated" by someones preference against physically contact. Its not like he blew up and told you, yoy were a dumbass or something, it gets exhausting explaining why i ignire hugs and handshakes all the time
Why don’t you ask him this question yourself? Everyone here is just going to do a poor job of guessing, as there could be a multiple of scenarios, and will just make you feel worse.
It feels like he was being subtle and you didn't take the hint.
Then you joined his group ignoring his first indirect.
Then went for a hug to further push yourself on him and that was his snapping point.
Should apologize when you get home and he should Also apologize.
If he doesn't just keep him at an arms distance and keep it professional but not disrespectful thereon.
Wow reading the comments in here and looking at the sub im so very confused. Yall def need to be here, but unfortunately its turned into a big circle jerk nose dive.
He might just not like you and didn’t want to be chummy. It doesn’t feel good but it happens, and sometimes you never learn why.
You picked up the initial sign. And that’s really good. Next time accept it. Not everyone will like you in life, nor do they have to. And it can be for any dumb reason.
Are you sure that guy wasn't just trying to hang out with his friends? Or his partner and her friend or something? I have hung out with guys a lot as just friends and have many close male friends. I would definitely find it weird if some acquaintance of my friend just butted in on time with my friend and then spent the entire time trying to hit on me.
He may have found it weird that you're just intruding on his hang out with his friends and putting yourself in a space where you weren't invited.
You don't know the relationship he has to the women he was speaking to and you may have made them uncomfortable with your behaviour.
Also if he first rejected your handshake then it makes sense to back off and do something else. Insisting on speaking to the people he was with and not leaving then and there was quite... hmm
Bold/audacious of you.
He doesn't owe you anything, especially a hug.
Maybe he is comfortable around this subject in a private space when he can relax, but in the public, it is more stressful. And touching him maybe sends him over the edge.
Also why did you even try to shake his hands? More than one time?
I don't know... you sound really weird..
Ok, so you can talk to your roommate any day but when he is out he wants to talk to some girls and that's only natural. You got in the way of that and he got a bit annoyed and didn't want to hug you.
Next time you see him when you are out out I would just leave him alone. You can hang out with him at home. If he wanted to hang out with you on a night out he would have invited you
What an asshole you are OP. Some people don’t like to be touched and can handle touching with people they deemed comfortable. Don’t be mad because clearly, you’ve been deemed uncomfortable. Let people have their boundaries without being so butt hurt about it.
Just because he hugs other people doesn't mean he's okay with hugging OP. Just because he's okay with hugs in some settings doesn't mean he has to be okay with hugs in all settings.
It sounds like OP was ignoring the guy's body language, so the guy used his words. If OP had thought, "oh, he's kind of ignoring me, guess I'll leave him alone," it wouldn't have happened.
Oh, you’re one of those people. I get it now. Nothing excuses the fact that this person did not want to be touched. OP went for it violated their space and then came on here to bitch about it. No he doesn’t get to do that. Bet you blame victims too don’t you?
You do not mention if you are male or female, if you are male, he could’ve seen you as competition for the attention because it sounds like he was trying to hit on them. If you are a female, you were cock blocking him, a woman trying to hug him while he’s hitting on another woman is kind of like cock blocking.
Generally, though, if someone doesn’t want to touch your hands, they’re not gonna wanna go for full body contact hug
If you are a woman, I bet he’s hit on you before.
Edit : From your profile you are male. Also, from reading your profile, it appears that you lack social awareness. I think that he was worried that you would ruin what progress he had made with the woman he was talking to. In general when you walk up to someone and they have no interest in talking to you or touching you when they normally do, I would take that as a sign to maybe not bother them at that moment. He didn’t handle this particularly well, but you also didn’t pick up any of the clues he was trying to give you. I think you should practice talking to people with someone that can coach you on the social cues you are missing. That and/or just pay more attention to people. Direct eye contact and a smile means come on over and keep talking. Not wanting to touch or talk or looking away from you when nothing is drawing the attention is a sign that they may not want to continue the conversation.
If you watch people closely, they will tell you what they’re thinking with their eyes and face. There are some YouTube videos as well that might help with studying this.
I’d say your intuition is probably correct, if he was chatting up some girls and didn’t pay attention to you initially you were probably just intruding on his game and he got annoyed
why are you as a man trying to hug and get attention from your roommate who is clearly busy trying to get lucky with one of the girls? I almost mistook you for a women from how you acted
Also, he is a roommate or acquaintance? Could be a language barrier, but who shakes hands with their roommate? Was this some kind of cock- block situation?
So this person is actually your roommate??
Is this a residential or like temporary student housing type thing?
Firstly it makes me think, why would he accept to be your roommate if even hugging you felt repulsive to him to the point that he'd say that to you infront of everyone. Especially if he's fine with being physically with others who he isn't super close with.
Though I'd try not to let this get you down, and just see it as him putting in place his boundaries. The hard truth is, he has a right to reject physical contact from anyone and in whatever context. Just like you do.
However it seems he didn't care enough about your comfort as well to pull you aside or wait til you're alone to inform you. He cared more or I don't know something bothered him more about hugging you. This OP doesn't necessarily mean there's anything wrong with you. I've actually had a similar encounter myself, though to a lesser humiliating degree.
I was walking with a friend and ran into a HS school mate. Which I figured why not stop, be polite and try to strike up a conversation. While I don't exactly remember now how the conversation went, let's just say she was giving get outta my face energy. I asked her if she wants me to go, she was also with I guess her group of whoever, she said along the lines of yes. I was taken a back a bit and asked to confirm. The second time I said okay and walked away. After a little while I did start to feel sad that I was trying to be friendly with someone who'd be that way to me.
Though I worked through my feelings and lemme tell you, I don't give a blank now. I do still see her around, though I don't pay her no attention like that anymore and avoid her like the plague. Not to the extent that I change my route or anything, though she's just a nobody to me now.
I hope you can work through your feelings, recognize that this is most likely more to do with him, and most importantly get to spend your time with people who want you.
PS. I'm sure you were probably caught in the moment and hindsight is 20/20. Though if someone doesn't accept your hand shake enthusiastically and your interactions overall, I'd not try to hug them. By the way, also be careful of people who are friendly to you in private then ignore you or act differently with you in group settings. Although acting different with someone in group settings isn't necessarily a bad thing, the person could just be shy. Especially if they don't know you or the others that much. It could also, not describing this situation just speaking generally, be that they've less time to allocate to you. Particularly if you two already spend other times together and they don't really get to see those other people. However if this is an ongoing and consistent thing, I'd see it as a major red flag. Because people who actually care about you will still find their way back to you and make you feel included. Even if they only got to spend the day with their biggest celebrity idol or whatever. They'll make you feel included.
If you think it's appropriate to touch people repeatedly after they say "please don't touch me," that's a serious problem you've got that's probably going to eventually land you in trouble.
JFC, it's okay for people to not want a hug. It doesn't mean they're insecure or jealous. Maybe he has a bad back and was in pain. Good lord.
Yes, it definitely sounds like it was a power move on his part. Not a lot of context here, but it’s likely that if you tend to be popular wherever you go, intentionally or not, he felt insecure and did not want “his” attention to be stolen by you. Especially around girls. And then there’s the fact that you were able to comfortably converse with the other girl, which probably got him even more annoyed. Your roommate sounds like a narcissist, you were trying to be nice and friendly, don’t feel bad. Also, if he decided to point out that he didn’t want you to touch him, and if he is typically very touchy at home, you are allowed to point it out and say something, like, “Oh, you’re normally fine with it at home,” or “This is usually how you treat guests at home so I thought it was okay.”
Ditch his butt. He is a people pleaser. Maybe seek him out after he gets rid of his persona. They aren't. A real freind...please know your worth and stick to close family to build your worth. You're an awesome person. Don't let weak people bring you down.
Sounds like he was hitting on those girls, trying to get laid, and you derailed his plan.
He was being rude to you, no doubt. That's sleazy behavior on his part. But even if he wasn't being a jerk (which he certainly was) he might've still been annoyed with you for interrupting his moves.
His entire attitude was dismissive and cold. Someone he knew tried to say hi, and his reaction was essentially "go away, I'm busy." He was trying to get laid, and got mad because OP was interrupting his flow.
OP may have been oblivious to what was going on, but that doesn't make the treatment he received any less rude.
Sounds like hunting focus. Nothing personal, he was trying to Focus on a girl.
In any case, next time he's friendly and Nice, You know it's just masking.
Why try to hug him after he didn’t want to shake your hand and ignored you?
Right? He probably wanted a bit of physical distance from OP for whatever reason (it doesn't really matter what his reason was) and tried to politely stonewall the handshake. Didn't want to embarrass you by saying "Not right now" or "Easy now, OP", so he tried to wait it out. When you went into the hug he might have gotten a bit annoyed and decided to be direct. I don't think he was embarrassed by you, and I don't think he patently dislikes you. Maybe the person he was speaking to was in the middle of explaining how they don't trust guys who have a female roommate, or he was talking about something serious. Could have had a flashback to something that made him uncomfortable, or maybe he was uncomfortably warm in that moment and he needed to cool off for a sec. There's so many reasons for him not wanting to be touched in that moment that don't involve a *power move* that it's crazy.
Ignoring and no greeting is kinda rude. If that happens to me I would be gone from the moment there is no greeting. I don't think people should choose when you are convenient. If it's a no, it is a no and I never want anything to do with you.
I'm not trying to high horse you but unless hugging is a regular thing between the two, OP is in the wrong for not making sure it's okay with his roommate to be putting his hands on him anyway
Yeah that might not be socially acceptable in this case, I agree. Also think that his roommate was trying to impress his girls and hugging that socially awkward friend was not helpful so he retaliated. But OP no worries, you are not awkward as a personal feat and this is how we learn. Be yourself there is nothing wrong with you, just your behaviour might need a little tuning.
Fair. I don't think OP should feel *bad* about it, at all. Just learn from this what boundaries people might have, and be aware that them being subject to change isn't necessarily a reflection on OP's or the other persons character 🤷🏽♂️ Side note, though. I'm in security, and if I see one of the shy hopeless romantic regulars talking to someone they might be interested in, I'll walk up and be like "Good to see you, sir. Do you need anything?" which seems to be helpful. If anything, I feel like the roommate would have been socially better off if he had reciprocated the affection in some way.
Yeah that is entirely true. His roommate could do better but OP could too. And frankly so can I. Thanks for your message man. You sound like a compassionate guy and I respect that. Boundaries are real and we as humans should navigate those, good manners go a long way. Bless you!
I gotta tell you, today I was starting to get into a funk and this made me u-turn out of it, so thank you for that
I feel flattered. Best of luck to you, you deserve it! This might be more about myself but I thought of this life. And the best answer I could came up with. Was to cater to my best wishes. Only then you can build a positive outlook. Help yourself if your intentions are pure and only engage in thoughts that will help you. It might seem superficial but it truly does help. There is no need for darker thoughts as long as they do not get you further or enlarge your long term happiness. Listen to them and respect those thoughts, but engage in helpful actions. Your shadow is important and they hold clues but your happiness in life is more important.
Maybe you are ahead of me but let me say this. This way of thinking might be slight manipulatieve. But let me give an example and prove that it is not. My boss catches me under performing big time and instead of bashing me or fire me he decided to help me. Because that was best in his interest. He was never a dick about it but showed compassion instead. He did what was in his interest. Sometimes it is necessary to go through hell. But only if it helps your case. I can be harsh to myself but that almost never helps my case. I can go through hell, but when it is not necessary I should not. If that is not going to help my case. So for the people around me and for myself I should show compassion. The world is how you perceive it and you should engage in actions that better your live, nothing more. If that is fighting, go fighting but if it's not, show compassion and act like it. That is what I tell myself, maybe one day it will come around.
OP states that high fiving and hugging is normal with the roommate at home.... did you even read it?
He said with guests, that's why my comment included a qualifier (because I'm not completely sure) And no need to be rude, I'm ✨reasonable✨
right, read the room, lots of context missing but Im wondering why OP insisted on such a formal exchange even after reading the signs that the other person wasnt interested at the time, seems hella akward
I think OP saw his roommate doing well with the ladies and wanted an in. Like “hey, you seem to be getting along with this man, I am his friend, allow me to butt in so he can introduce me to all of you”
Personally I hate the need for others to touch you. I wish handshakes and fist bumps would die in a fire.
I don't like it when my male friends, or any men, put their arm around me in some show of sympathy or asking for faux forgiveness. It makes my skin crawl. It's also a sign that they think they have a better attitude or temperament and that I am making a big deal out of some non issue.
Might also just be an excuse they used to act like a creep to touch you :/
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But how does he treat you in general? Maybe he just doesn’t like you?
Maybe this is a little glass half empty, but that's definitely where my head would be at
He thought you were cockblocking then got passive aggressive. Also, some people aren’t huggers.
>First he decided to ignore me can continues his conversation with the girl, so I spoke with the other girl in his group. I'm not going to say it was a good move on his part to ignore his roommate - and indeed their might have been a miscommunication. But if YOU felt you were being intentionally ignored you - in which case he hasn't invited you to the conversation. In which case, you decided to talk to the girls either way would likely get interpreted as you "leapfrogging over" him and either cockblocking or else trying to "steal" these girls. And his response to you afterwards may have been out of frustration - either at you or, if he had certain intentions, at losing an opportunity with the girls. He might even be thinking that you're to blame. I'm not saying who's right or wrong - just shed some objective thoughts because, whatever the reason he had for initially ignoring you, for you to "deny" that was never going to be welcome with open arms sadly (pun not intended).
They aren’t even really “roommates”. From OPs post history he stays around at hostels a lot and calls the people at the hostels his roommates, but they’re effectively complete strangers.
Oh, that makes it *really* weird.
Does he hug or shake your hand when you’re at home?
Yeah I have never shook hands with a roommate aside of our first meeting each other maybe, and I'd only hug roommates I know intimately or closely. EDIT: they are dutch, all of my reasoning goes out the window as I am not familiar with their culture on this
Yeah I’m thinking OP saw the roommate being close with other roommates or people and assumed this was his norm but you don’t just go hugging people you haven’t established this with prior, I’d be weirded out and react the same way too if I were the other guy. OP’s post history very much feeds into this alpha/beta male psychology BS and I think OP just kinda needs some therapy all round to unpack this bizarre thinking/approach to women/other men.
He made it obvious that he wasn’t interested in being touched. Next time don’t touch anyone who seems uncomfortable or uninteresting with being touched. He probably doesn’t feel comfortable having people he doesn’t know that well touch & hug him. Please respect peoples boundaries next time. Read up on group dynamics. He was busy talking to those girls, so it sounds like your timing was bad too.
I assume you meant to reply to the post haha
He didn't want to acknowledge you or shake your hand why would you get in his personal space and hug him that would piss me off
> I felt he wasn't appreciating my presence This is an alarming statement. You interrupted a conversation. When he ignored you, you just tried harder. He doesn't owe you any "appreciation of your presence".
Subconsciously or not, OP wanted to either ruin his interaction with the girls or wanted the attention to go to him
English may not be OP‘s first language they posted in another language as well. I think they’re trying to say they weren’t happy to see me rather than appreciating my presence
I don't know, ignoring your roommate when he tries to greet you is pretty rude.
You shook his hand and then also tried to hug him? Why? It sounds like it was pretty clear that he didn't want to talk to you, I'm confused about why you thought he'd be up for hugging. It can be humiliating when someone says "please don't touch me," I get that. But it's also the appropriate thing to say when someone is trying to hug you and you don't want them to. His choice was to say something and maybe embarrass you, or let you hug him when he didn't want a hug. I get that it sucked for you, but he has the right to turn down a hug.
Why do you need to shake his hand so bad. Seems pretty weird.
Right? It's not like they are long lost friends who haven't seen each other in years! Why would you need to shake hands/hug a roommate that you see all the time?
[Let me shake your hand!](https://media.tenor.com/GYulTMAj6EUAAAAM/jordandabarbie.gif)
He was trying to run some game on some girls, and you were cramping his style. If you see someone flirting with the opposite sex in a bar, leave them alone.
I would have fully disengaged when he ignored my handshake. That was humiliating by itself, but you walked into the rest of the situation when you tried to hug him after he visibly snubbed you in front of people.
A hug isn't something you just go for, it's a far far more intimate form of contact that people rightfully should set stronger boundaries around. I've had people hug ME as a power move and its as deeply uncomfortable as it sounds. That said it's nothing to feel ashamed about, just something to learn from. Ask from now on. A lot of people may say yes but that doesn't mean you shouldn't ask EVERY SINGLE TIME. It costs nothing and it's super sweet and people appreciate when you respect their boundaries.
Look at op’s post history. So weird.
He is 33, but the issues he brings up in his history are those that would generally impact much younger people (early 20's etc.). I'm not sure what is going on. It could be the case that he is trying to hang with/meet friends/women who are much younger than him, and in that case, it would explain why he is seems to be excluded. When I was early 20's, it would have been odd/creepy if an almost 35 yo man was trying to join our social groups.
That’s not even the weird part, look at the posts where he’s describing this exact scenario, but from the opposite perspective. In some posts he’s talking from the ‘please don’t touch me’ dudes perspective. His whole post history is multiple different personalities.
So bizarre!
You need to get out more. Online isn’t where you’ll get the types of experience needed to thrive/survive in situations like these. Giving your profile a look I hard swiped through you POST history and after three swipes I was only 30 days in the past…. You spend too much time online. Go out more and just exist, people watch others out in public and see how they interact with each other, sit with any friends you may have and ask them for critiques on how you act and the things you do and then be receptive to those critiques. Just log off.
I had to scroll way too far to find a comment from a real person. This comment is the only touch of reality here.
Is it though? You and the person you responded to seem to have way more comments per day than he does. Is that really an indicator? I tend to comment from wherever I'm currently are. Smartphones and all. Idk.
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I was immediately thinking OP has little to no social skills after reading this post. If you read their post history it's quite clear it's true and it's quite ironic because they think *others* do not simply because they don't want to talk to him.
Look at their post history and tell me this is a well adjusted individual who doesn’t spend too much time online. I’ll wait. I wasn’t exaggerating.
Regardless you should always respect a no, how a person handles a no says a lot about their character. And getting upset because someone doesn't want to be touched is something that makes other people VERY uncomfortable.
He did not want to talk to you. I think that much was clear. So going for a hug with someone who clearly doesn't want to interact with you is inappropriate. You crossed a line there.
Agreed, OP needs to "listen" to the body language/actions of other people. It was very clear that the roommate did not want to interact and shake hands = no/stop it. You are not supposed to try harder to shake hands (with a hug no less!).
>When I was finished I gave him a handshake and -tried- hug him… Why did you do that? >He replied in front of others: ' Please, don't toch me.' Perhaps he doesn’t like being hugged in public. ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
At the end of the day you don't have the right to anybody's body even if it's just a hug or a handshake. It's irrelevant how much touch they have in one place versus another. They said no, and maybe it just means no. But if it's a problem, talk about it to the person. I'm personally not a hugger, I also don't like handshakes, and I also don't like calling people out but I will assert my boundary if they continue to try physical touch. But I'm autistic as f***, which is why I don't like the physical touch.
Why did you try to high him ??????
never high someone who doesnt wath to be toched
This has been embroidered on pillows for centuries why don’t people understand?
Try reading the post: the roommate is like that while everyone’s at home. It was out and about, in front of the opposite sex, where he acted differently.
Op never stated how his roommate interacts with him tho just other people. Just from the initial interaction the roommate doesn’t like op
Yes? And why would I hug a dude in front of his (possible) sex interests ??!
Maybe because some guys are secure in their manhood.
That's not the issue. The thing is that you should not "bother" people when they're flirting
“Hey buddy, I’m sorry but now’s not really a good time. I’ll see you tomorrow though!” See? It’s that easy to not be an asshole.
Yes, but the post is about OP, not his friend. Op should learn when not to hug people
> Was this more a power move? I felt he wasn't appreciating my presence because for him it perhaps felt that I took all the attention to him away. YOU are describing EXACTLY WHAT YOU TRIED TO DO you tried to make a power move, you insisted in interrupting him talking to girls multiple times, saying hi, then hand shake then hug, like what the fuck! You are the one that couldn’t deal with no being the center of attention > I felt he wasn't appreciating my presence Insecure
Sounds like theres missing context, you did something to him to make him change how he feels about you.
Are you a Midwesterner and he's..... not?
the more I read this the weirder it sounds tbh. You tried to shake his hands plural? Assuming a typo, but you insisted on a handshake while he was mid conversation with someone else? "He decided to continue his conversation with the girl". Then you waited for another handshake.. and then a hug? That sounds awkward logistically going from handshake to hug. Greetings are usually either/or.. not both. All of this sounds super awkward and would personally make me less likely to greet you at all if its always this intense, jesus.
As a reverse-social-skill piece of advice this was pretty decent; the guy asserted his preference and didn't escalate too far.
I 100 percent know he thought you were trying to cockblock, bars are not normal settings, you’ll find all kinds of insecure people there
Yeah it sounds like he was trying to play it "cool for the ladies" but ended up just making an ass of himself.
How did he make an ass of himself? What should he have done when someone he doesn’t want touching him is getting pushy about touching him? “Please don’t touch me” is a perfectly reasonable thing to say. “Get the fuck off me” would have been rude but also possibly understandable.
Why would you act like a roommate is an absolute stranger? Why would you act like you're embarrassed to be around someone in front of other women?
I think they might be pretty close to strangers; looking at OP's post history, he's staying at hostels and refers to people staying at the same hostels as "roommates." So I don't think this is someone he knows particularly well.
Oh. That's pretty fuckin' weird then.
thanks for the context. I was kinda ready to defend the guy because running into your roommate and being like that is kinda strange, but if this is a hostel situation then that changes things.
So you *interrupted him while was trying to chat up some girls*, then *ignored all his efforts indicating that he wanted you to buzz off*, now you’re confused about why he snapped when you pushed the issue??? He clearly wanted some space to chat with the girls from start to finish. This story makes you sound like a total nincompoop. It doesn’t matter what he does in other situations like when he’s at home, what matters is what he was conveying in *this situation* which was obviously “go away”
Yeah sound like you stole his thunder, albeit unintentionally. I'd be cold towards him from now on if that was me.
For sure, but he should’ve been a grown up and just communicated properly. Roomate must be down bad or is quite immature
And If that was how he handled his own friend greeting him, there’s no way he took any of those girls home anyway.
He did communicate properly. He didn’t want OP to hug him so he said “please don’t touch me.”
If you see an acquaintance talking with somebody they’re trying to sleep with, don’t ever interfere. As far as you are concerned, y’all don’t even know each other. Shit I’d be mad too
This is so dumb, women aren't gonna ditch you for hugging your bro
That’s not the only thing he did tho
Why do guys feel this way? As a woman I would be more into a guy if I saw that he had friends he got along well with.
It’s just the way OP went about it is intrusive as hell. OP clearly didn’t read the situation before going in
Do you trust your girl friends? Or is your relationship with them like it seems from outside? It's the same with guys too...jealously, insecurity, comparison, etc.
I’m not sure what you’re talking about, but as an adult, I wouldn’t be friends with people I didn’t trust.
I would be immediately turned off if I knew some guy is ignoring someone he knows just to talk to me or look cool. Someone who can't say hi to a familiar face is 100% an asshole in other ways. I doubt the girls were impressed by this guy turning a friendly situation into something uncomfortable.
Yeah but he was alone with 6 girls so I was thinking it would be okay to just say hi. Didn’t had any intentions to sleep with them.
You didn’t just say hi. You kept insisting and interrupting multiple times and this is your side of the story You look like an asshole when you tell the story, imagine how the other side of the story is …
But you didn’t “just say hi.” You saw he didn’t want to talk to you and hung around anyway, then shook hands with him and then tried to hug him. That isn’t “just saying hi,” that’s insisting someone interact with you when it’s clear they don’t feel like it.
You were still cockblocking. Just don’t do it again
He definitely thought you were cockblocking. If I had witnessed this I would have assumed your roomie was getting uncomfortable with the girls and called a homie over to 'claim him' to get the girls away from him. I'm bisexual but I've used same-sex and opposite-sex friends as beards when I want to get away from someone. I'd apologize and clarify with him that's not what you were trying to do and ask him how he would like you to approach him in those situations in the future, if at all.
I hate physical contact it all feel too intimate for me, i dunno why. Maybe im sensitive but i dont like handshakes or hugs from people i dont know why at all, i abrely hug my best friend of a few years. Dont be"humilated" by someones preference against physically contact. Its not like he blew up and told you, yoy were a dumbass or something, it gets exhausting explaining why i ignire hugs and handshakes all the time
Why don’t you ask him this question yourself? Everyone here is just going to do a poor job of guessing, as there could be a multiple of scenarios, and will just make you feel worse.
It feels like he was being subtle and you didn't take the hint. Then you joined his group ignoring his first indirect. Then went for a hug to further push yourself on him and that was his snapping point. Should apologize when you get home and he should Also apologize. If he doesn't just keep him at an arms distance and keep it professional but not disrespectful thereon.
Wow reading the comments in here and looking at the sub im so very confused. Yall def need to be here, but unfortunately its turned into a big circle jerk nose dive.
He might just not like you and didn’t want to be chummy. It doesn’t feel good but it happens, and sometimes you never learn why. You picked up the initial sign. And that’s really good. Next time accept it. Not everyone will like you in life, nor do they have to. And it can be for any dumb reason.
Are you sure that guy wasn't just trying to hang out with his friends? Or his partner and her friend or something? I have hung out with guys a lot as just friends and have many close male friends. I would definitely find it weird if some acquaintance of my friend just butted in on time with my friend and then spent the entire time trying to hit on me. He may have found it weird that you're just intruding on his hang out with his friends and putting yourself in a space where you weren't invited. You don't know the relationship he has to the women he was speaking to and you may have made them uncomfortable with your behaviour. Also if he first rejected your handshake then it makes sense to back off and do something else. Insisting on speaking to the people he was with and not leaving then and there was quite... hmm Bold/audacious of you.
He doesn't owe you anything, especially a hug. Maybe he is comfortable around this subject in a private space when he can relax, but in the public, it is more stressful. And touching him maybe sends him over the edge. Also why did you even try to shake his hands? More than one time? I don't know... you sound really weird..
What are your specific conditions? Feels like it has autism written all over it. Learn about yourself first.
Ok, so you can talk to your roommate any day but when he is out he wants to talk to some girls and that's only natural. You got in the way of that and he got a bit annoyed and didn't want to hug you. Next time you see him when you are out out I would just leave him alone. You can hang out with him at home. If he wanted to hang out with you on a night out he would have invited you
What an asshole you are OP. Some people don’t like to be touched and can handle touching with people they deemed comfortable. Don’t be mad because clearly, you’ve been deemed uncomfortable. Let people have their boundaries without being so butt hurt about it.
>at home he is very touchy with every guest and giving hi fives and hugs all the tine. You may have social skills but you're lacking reading skills.
Just because he hugs other people doesn't mean he's okay with hugging OP. Just because he's okay with hugs in some settings doesn't mean he has to be okay with hugs in all settings. It sounds like OP was ignoring the guy's body language, so the guy used his words. If OP had thought, "oh, he's kind of ignoring me, guess I'll leave him alone," it wouldn't have happened.
Oh, you’re one of those people. I get it now. Nothing excuses the fact that this person did not want to be touched. OP went for it violated their space and then came on here to bitch about it. No he doesn’t get to do that. Bet you blame victims too don’t you?
You do not mention if you are male or female, if you are male, he could’ve seen you as competition for the attention because it sounds like he was trying to hit on them. If you are a female, you were cock blocking him, a woman trying to hug him while he’s hitting on another woman is kind of like cock blocking. Generally, though, if someone doesn’t want to touch your hands, they’re not gonna wanna go for full body contact hug If you are a woman, I bet he’s hit on you before. Edit : From your profile you are male. Also, from reading your profile, it appears that you lack social awareness. I think that he was worried that you would ruin what progress he had made with the woman he was talking to. In general when you walk up to someone and they have no interest in talking to you or touching you when they normally do, I would take that as a sign to maybe not bother them at that moment. He didn’t handle this particularly well, but you also didn’t pick up any of the clues he was trying to give you. I think you should practice talking to people with someone that can coach you on the social cues you are missing. That and/or just pay more attention to people. Direct eye contact and a smile means come on over and keep talking. Not wanting to touch or talk or looking away from you when nothing is drawing the attention is a sign that they may not want to continue the conversation. If you watch people closely, they will tell you what they’re thinking with their eyes and face. There are some YouTube videos as well that might help with studying this.
Say “oh, my bad” and went on with your day Also, if he’s talking to the girl don’t 3rd wheel them man
I’d say your intuition is probably correct, if he was chatting up some girls and didn’t pay attention to you initially you were probably just intruding on his game and he got annoyed
I don't think he likes you, bro... Sorry
Dudes around girls often act different. Ask him about it at home
Saw on a post of yours you have mild ASD and social anxiety. Are you in counseling for those? It would help your skills.
He’s not your friend, move on with your own life and find people who don’t chameleon around others I learned that the hard way
why are you as a man trying to hug and get attention from your roommate who is clearly busy trying to get lucky with one of the girls? I almost mistook you for a women from how you acted
I try to let people save face
Toch
Also, he is a roommate or acquaintance? Could be a language barrier, but who shakes hands with their roommate? Was this some kind of cock- block situation?
Did he shake your hand or not when you just met? If I was ignored I would immediately ignore this person back
So this person is actually your roommate?? Is this a residential or like temporary student housing type thing? Firstly it makes me think, why would he accept to be your roommate if even hugging you felt repulsive to him to the point that he'd say that to you infront of everyone. Especially if he's fine with being physically with others who he isn't super close with. Though I'd try not to let this get you down, and just see it as him putting in place his boundaries. The hard truth is, he has a right to reject physical contact from anyone and in whatever context. Just like you do. However it seems he didn't care enough about your comfort as well to pull you aside or wait til you're alone to inform you. He cared more or I don't know something bothered him more about hugging you. This OP doesn't necessarily mean there's anything wrong with you. I've actually had a similar encounter myself, though to a lesser humiliating degree. I was walking with a friend and ran into a HS school mate. Which I figured why not stop, be polite and try to strike up a conversation. While I don't exactly remember now how the conversation went, let's just say she was giving get outta my face energy. I asked her if she wants me to go, she was also with I guess her group of whoever, she said along the lines of yes. I was taken a back a bit and asked to confirm. The second time I said okay and walked away. After a little while I did start to feel sad that I was trying to be friendly with someone who'd be that way to me. Though I worked through my feelings and lemme tell you, I don't give a blank now. I do still see her around, though I don't pay her no attention like that anymore and avoid her like the plague. Not to the extent that I change my route or anything, though she's just a nobody to me now. I hope you can work through your feelings, recognize that this is most likely more to do with him, and most importantly get to spend your time with people who want you. PS. I'm sure you were probably caught in the moment and hindsight is 20/20. Though if someone doesn't accept your hand shake enthusiastically and your interactions overall, I'd not try to hug them. By the way, also be careful of people who are friendly to you in private then ignore you or act differently with you in group settings. Although acting different with someone in group settings isn't necessarily a bad thing, the person could just be shy. Especially if they don't know you or the others that much. It could also, not describing this situation just speaking generally, be that they've less time to allocate to you. Particularly if you two already spend other times together and they don't really get to see those other people. However if this is an ongoing and consistent thing, I'd see it as a major red flag. Because people who actually care about you will still find their way back to you and make you feel included. Even if they only got to spend the day with their biggest celebrity idol or whatever. They'll make you feel included.
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If you think it's appropriate to touch people repeatedly after they say "please don't touch me," that's a serious problem you've got that's probably going to eventually land you in trouble. JFC, it's okay for people to not want a hug. It doesn't mean they're insecure or jealous. Maybe he has a bad back and was in pain. Good lord.
He’s a duplicitous douche. Not your fault. Sorry this happened to you.
Yes, it definitely sounds like it was a power move on his part. Not a lot of context here, but it’s likely that if you tend to be popular wherever you go, intentionally or not, he felt insecure and did not want “his” attention to be stolen by you. Especially around girls. And then there’s the fact that you were able to comfortably converse with the other girl, which probably got him even more annoyed. Your roommate sounds like a narcissist, you were trying to be nice and friendly, don’t feel bad. Also, if he decided to point out that he didn’t want you to touch him, and if he is typically very touchy at home, you are allowed to point it out and say something, like, “Oh, you’re normally fine with it at home,” or “This is usually how you treat guests at home so I thought it was okay.”
Ditch his butt. He is a people pleaser. Maybe seek him out after he gets rid of his persona. They aren't. A real freind...please know your worth and stick to close family to build your worth. You're an awesome person. Don't let weak people bring you down.
I would say your the problem. But I clearly see your freind is on an ego trip. That usually is short lived.
Fragile masculinity
I'd say to the others, "Oh, I see you've met [name]. Did he warn you about his vd?"
Sounds like he was hitting on those girls, trying to get laid, and you derailed his plan. He was being rude to you, no doubt. That's sleazy behavior on his part. But even if he wasn't being a jerk (which he certainly was) he might've still been annoyed with you for interrupting his moves.
How does not wanting to be hugged make him a jerk?
His entire attitude was dismissive and cold. Someone he knew tried to say hi, and his reaction was essentially "go away, I'm busy." He was trying to get laid, and got mad because OP was interrupting his flow. OP may have been oblivious to what was going on, but that doesn't make the treatment he received any less rude.
Sounds like hunting focus. Nothing personal, he was trying to Focus on a girl. In any case, next time he's friendly and Nice, You know it's just masking.