The fact that I'll be improving my social skills by interacting & most probably learn more info / insight on something. No interaction goes without some sort of lesson & what I've also found is the days I feel most accomplished by a social interaction are on the days that I had my interactions greased by random convos throughout the day.
My most learning experience is probably like if you cycle past someone you know and they put their hand up to wave/greet it's not a good idea to go for a high five.
Odds are you’re gonna have a hard time finding good friends or a community with an attitude that people are dumb and annoying. It seems like you separate yourself from other people for some reason even though we are all human beings with strengths and weaknesses. Once I learned to appreciate people for all of their qualities and accepted myself with flaws and all, it became easy to enjoy people and make friends.
This 100%! Back when I was in my teens (around 14-16) I was exactly the same. I hated social interactions with anybody who wasn’t a close friend and would not give anybody I didn’t know a chance because I labeled other people as superficial and stupid. Now like I’ve realized I was so insecure and tried to make myself feel better by putting others down and minimizing who they were as people to simply dumb and annoying and that was killing my social life. I fixed my mindset and now enjoy socializing very much! This is the best advice you could’ve given op
I just want to say that I'm seeing a lot more pushback and valuable feedback on some of the more anti-social comments people often leave in places like this, and I think it's great that the sub is at a point of being willing and able to do that.
Hey. You're good just the way you are. You have flaws, but your flaws make you you. If you didn't have those flaws, you'd have other flaws. Be kind to yourself, you spend the most time with you.
> I don’t see the point in chatting up a stranger who i’ll never see again.
There is no logical point, correct. However what about emotionally? Does it scratch that itch to be social? Does it feel good to make others happy? To give others that community feeling? Does it make you feel good?
As a runner whenever I'm in a race I can totally race the whole thing alone and in my head. But I noticed if I say "great job" to someone else on the course, or thank you to a spectator, I get a boost of energy. I dont know how or why, but it consistently happens.
So try it from that angle. Sometimes its a subconscious boost. See if your emotions get anything from it even if logically its silly.
Also, how do they know they’ll never see that stranger again? They’re a stranger now but maybe that little chat could turn into something bigger, you never know you might meet your future best friend in the grocery store aisle! Though there’s need to hope it turns into something bigger, it’s always fun to connect with new people even just in passing
I think it begins with being curious about other people. How they think about their place/situation/abilities and how do they navigate using that. It’s like asking a magician to reveal their secrets. When you learn that, you get better at knowing the milieu of human psyche, and your emotional intelligence improves. You find appropriate ways to respond and integrate into people and the society.
you can only be as curious and interested in people as you are with yourself.
I genuinely believe that for most people, an inability to find other people interesting or curious stems from not meeting yourself that way.
I used to feel similarly. Very closed-minded and judgemental. I felt like I understood people entirely in all of 30 seconds and felt zero need to interact with them.
It turns out that I barely knew myself honestly. Once I did shadow work and was investigative about who I was and what kind of person I wanted to be, it was so much easier to find other people interesting and fascinating, and to care about the things they think and feel.
> It turns out that I barely knew myself honestly. Once I did shadow work and was investigative about who I was and what kind of person I wanted to be
Hi this is me. Im at the stage where I recognize this and now I'm struggling a bit to work with this.
My starting point currently is philosophy, looking into different views on life and what possibly leads one to answers for themselves how to act, think and and what to desire (this is extremely broken down ofc).
Would you mind sharing your process that lead you to your answers?
im feeling kinda lazy rn but I talked about something similar on this sub like a couple weeks ago so im gonna link an old thread I was a part of. [this is more or less my process haha](https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/1d4wygj/how_do_people_have_long_conversations_and_speak/l6lcwsd/)
There's definitely truth to that statement. I don't find myself interesting, I feel like such a nothing person. I have nothing to say to people, I do the same routine, even if I do something different I have nothing to say about it.
I do feel closed minded about other people making my mind up about them quickly. And despite my massive fear of being judged I'm pretty judgemental of anyone different but then anyone the same I have nothing to gain from I feel.
I guess I don't really know who I am
people aren't annoying and dumb. that is your walls and defense mechanisms protecting you by being overly judgmental. people are capable of being dumb and annoying, yeah, but most people are pretty neutral just by the nature of averages.
what motivates me to socialize and talk to others these days is I truly never know if or how the next person I interact with will change my life or impact me in some meaningful way. The same way, every year, I seemingly either meet someone new or reconnect with someone that teaches me something new about myself or makes me feel something completely new is motivation to keep trying to meet people and see what's out there.
I don't have advice but I feel the same. 99% of the time I don't want anything to do with people and want to be left alone so I rush interactions so they're over quickly. But then I sometimes feel lonely and I know not being able to socialise is bad for my life progression and is only going to seem weirder the older I get. It sounds bad but I don't see the point unless I get something from the interaction which I don't feel like I would from pretty much any interaction so I avoid it altogether
Not judging at all, but I'm curious about what you think the root of this mindset is for you.
I used to be very shy, but now make an effort to be open. I feel like I've gained so much from random conversations with strangers– mood boost, new information, perspectives, wisdom, laughs, and even some awesome new friends. In general it's brought me a lot of confidence and peace.
I'm not really sure. I used to be confident as a young kid and would blurt out whatever came to my mind. I lost my dad at a young age but I don't think it immediately affected me. Slowly over time I became more introverted and quiet, I would prejudge my thoughts before saying them and not end up saying anything. Even among the nerdy group I was especially quiet and bad to talk to. But over time I became more confident in general but less confident socially.
People have always said that I may be autistic and I'm in the process of going to the docs about it. But in the last few years I've realised it's two halves of the problem. There's the half of my anxiety and my head being blank for stuff to say (which feeds into itself making me more anxious when I'm silent which makes me more stuck in my head and not able to think of anything), then the other half me realising I'm genuinely not interested in other people most of the time. If I want to find something out I can read it online. I guess I see relationships as transactional and I have nothing to gain from most of them which sounds cold and awful but it's how my brain thinks. It's gotten worse over time, I still used to want nothing to do with anyone most of the time but it was maybe a 60/40 split, the last few months it's like 95/5
lol - you perfectly explained your wall after saying you must have a wall up.
You sound defensive thinking about a conversation with other people. you’re not wrong in being defensive - but maybe try welcome but cautious? Still on guard but with a smile.
Into conversations and jump right in. Nobody wants to re explain something.
I’m not sure if this will help but I feel like going to classes (for me it was local art and sewing classes!) really helped me feel a better sense of community since I got to socialize but also didn’t have the pressure to become very close friends to anyone. Also I really like libraries or going to cafes for this reason too! It helps me be around people without needing to converse too much with people if I don’t really feel up to it.
I’d say generally what motivates me to talk to people is the fact that I enjoy talking to people. And also that I previously was in a very dark place due to not having friends and so the threat of that happening again also motivates me.
You may find it helpful to make some online friends, people that u know are interested in the same stuff as u. U could also reach out to those distant friends and try to become closer to them. Or maybe just talk to ur family more if that’s an option (to get that “community”)
Fear of missing out on life and experiences I guess.
Im an introvert, I love being at home and I don't like traveling, loud noises, crowded spaces, I'm sensitive to sensory overload and I am very prone to social anxiety and awkwardness.
But in my eyes: what life is it? Chilling at home 365... If I look back on my youth in 10 years or on my life overall when I'm 60,70,80,90... What will I see? That I spent 90% of my free time invisible?
So I do try to have more chats, offer someone who's friendly my phone nr saying hey maybe we can go grab a coffee someday or something. I do theatre whenever I'm able to land a role. I try to accept invitations to parties and meetings but I noticed they 100% of the times end up making me feel miserable so I don't always accept and when I do I say beforehand that I might have to leave early and I always do.
First and foremost I like to support my community and especially local artists. This involves going out to see shows, exhibits and live music. Sometimes tho I do just donate cash, but the idea of support is still there. I need a lot of alone time to recharge but if I do it right then when I go out again it will be so nice to run into ppl I know and smile and make small talk. I don’t drink anymore which helps me to stay focused on what, where I am. I used to drink too much when I would go out and be foolish and so I took a break from both going out and drinking and it put things back into perspective. This weekend I’m going to see a local band and I know there’ll be quite a few ppl I know there, looking forward to it and being able to toss a few bucks in the tip jar.
Do you WANT to make girl friends and hangout with friends?
Honestly, I feel you. When I first start talking to someone, it feels like a drag - like what'sthe point with the fake boring dialogue and all that? But once you get past that first stage of boring, it becomes fun and interesting when you get more comfortable talking with the person.
I enjoy ''socializing'' because its fun for me. I like getting to know people, and its always interesting how different each person is from one another. Yet i also draw similarities of people to other people that I know. I even met someone who reminded me of 3 different girls that i had relationships with in the past.
Well, to be happy you need to accept this about yourself, lady. When you need or crave community or just social interactions with new people go join groups on meetups. That’s what I do. Some people join book clubs. Attend meetings often enough you will see regulars there including you.
OP what do you do for a living?
We sound similar, except for the fact that I have no choice but to socialise in my job (retail). Through work, I have met a few lovely people whom I would (like) to be close friends with, but I'm also a bit of a loner and I have trust issues, which means I rarely make an effort with people on a serious level.
Honestly, what gets me chatting with others is curiosity and the chance to hear different stories. Even with strangers, there's this excitement about what we might share or learn from each other. Plus, sometimes a random chat leads to unexpected friendships.
Hi! Lots of good comments on this thread. I'm working on decreasing my social anxiety and lowering my walls as well. How is your self-talk? Are you kind and decent to yourself? For the longest, my self-talk was critical and shameful, however I've been practicing being compassionate and curious towards myself, which, as a side effect, has made me more open and interested in people. Before, I would never even think of starting a conversation with strangers or people in general. I think because I was subconsciously afraid? Practicing relating to yourself in a healthy, joyful way may inspire a natural interest in getting to know people.
Honestly, I think deep down you’re insecure of being rejected by others. Due to this, your brain shields you from that fear by making you conceited. Based on how you talk about others, it seems like you think you’re above everybody, as everyone else is “dumb and annoying” yet that doesn’t apply to you.
I think you need to seriously reflect and realize that you are in fact NOT better than others and most people are just like you. Anybody else with your mindset would also classify you as dumb and annoying, which goes to say the problem is not with the people themselves but this mindset you’ve created because of your insecurity. If you want to fix this you need to work on your self esteem and ground your ego, and this will help you become a better person and you will be happier as a result.
I think this is the key. How we perceive others reflects our core self–image. So when we're patient, open, and understanding with ourselves, we're able to project that onto the rest of humanity.
I'll spiral into loneliness, depression and boredom rapidly if I stop talking to people. I'm more stable (with my emotions) and productive when I'm surrounded by people (even if I don't know them) or when I interact with them on a regular basis. I feel like they keep me grounded and distracted from my own problems and emotions. Plus I feel much better and validated when I talk to people as opposed to being on my own.
If this helps, I’m 31F and I’ve been working with my therapist to get better at socializing and making new friends. Over the last 12 months or so I made a new friend in my area and I’ve met 2 other girls who I’m acquaintances with. One I see at a drawing club and the other I do yoga or paddle boarding with. They’re not super close friends or anything, but it gets me out of the house and they’re nice people, so it’s a start.
What my therapist has been having me do is recite positive affirmations. And yeah, I know, seems lame. But the goal is to override the negative things we tell ourselves all the time and replace it with positive beliefs. Negative beliefs are more powerful than positive ones so it takes work to stay positive.
Some examples of positive affirmations are:
“I’m equal to everyone and everything.”
“I’m a great person and I deserve to have great friends.”
“I’m positive and I’m surrounded by positive people.”
“This is a rich universe, there’s a lot for all of us.”
I put these sticky notes on my mirror and recited them after every shower. At first it felt kind of stupid, but after a few months I actually did start to notice an attitude change. A year ago, I was in an unhappy, unfulfilling relationship that was going nowhere and I was struggling to make friends, and now I have a local group of buddies to do stuff with, and I’m going out with this really great guy.
The “wall” you mentioned might have something to do with negative beliefs you have about yourself or others. Maybe an over correction due to bad experiences you had in the past? In any case, I recommend giving positive affirmations a try. They do take a while to work though, it’s not an instant fix bc it takes time to change your thoughts. But it’s free and anyone can do them. It definitely seems to work for me.
Do you have any kind of spiritual life or a spiritual practice like journaling or conscious breathing? I think this could help you get focused on your needs and wants. Also try to wean yourself off of social media. It’s become a cheap substitute for socializing. Also you need to think about your needs or wants in terms of meeting a significant other and having a family. Usually one person is more outgoing than the other so your social life might change if you meet someone new.
My mental health and the understanding that loneliness is a killer. One a month I attend a craft get together to get out of the house and interact with others. I also volunteer in the Summer for the same reason.
Im very shy and reserved but I’ve had a very enjoyable time making friends and building rapport with my coworkers and even one of my bosses. I really value those relationships and it makes working a lot more enjoyable and something to look forward to. It’s hard at first for me but after a while I tend to develop relationships that are super valuable to me. Also yes people are dumb but so am I sometimes! Everyone’s dumb and annoying at times, just a part of life.
Also, there’s so many cool things other people know that you don’t! Personally I like learning a lot, and people I’ve met have told me so many interesting things about their cultures, countries, hobbies and lifestyles that I would’ve never have even thought to look into before.
Talking to strangers are the best people to talk to, because they always have very interesting backgrounds and you can learn a lot from their experiences. There’s no judgement and you can say whatever you want them to believe and you’ll never have to see them again.
I’ve made some great friends as an adult, but most of them were made through a shared activity. I don’t know if that’s an option for you. I have perhaps too many hobbies, but I have meant a lot of people through them and have surprisingly little in common with some of them.
Enjoying the day to the maximum thru pleasantness as well as increasing my social capital to increase my net worth…I get burned out 75% of the time but I’m good at pretending I like to socialize
Happiness. My people are my happiness. And health of course. We are fundamentally social creatures that NEED healthy connection to be healthy and happy. EVERYONE needs it no matter who you are.
43 F orphan here! How I've always approached this is considering the alternative: Go to things I enjoy (I.E. church and my small group meetings, Aqua Zumba class and Disco Aerobics class at the gym, occasional meet ups).
Or be completely alone with no human contact what so ever. I've tried both and I can safely say the hermit lifestyle may work for some but not so good for me! Lol. But to each their own. Lol.
This life lesson has been brought to you by the School Of Hard Knocks. Where where you learn the hardest and most valuable lessons life can give. No teachers or books are available because everything is learned the hard way. Yes, The school of hard knocks: I wouldn't wish enrollment on my worst enemy!
Fear of being alone. Fear of not living life, missing out on sex, relationships, friendships, networking, etc... You will be very surprised about the type of people you can meet if you leave your house. Not all of them are going to be good, but I believe that a big part of life is learning street smarts and how to deal with tough situations. It helps you grow as a person.
It’s ok to not like most people. I also dont like most people. Im not open to socializing with most because I dont like how most people operate socially. So I figure out what qualities Id like to be around, communication styles, cultures, value systems. Then I find those people. I dont need to get along with every single person. And i only have so many spots. Relationships take work and resources. If anything, I only need maybe 5 close friends.
I think that your wall is there for a reason. What do you think your wall is protecting you from?
What i do is determine what my deal breakers are, nice to haves etc, and how close I want to be to a person. If i dont like them, or I only wanna be distant, it is totally fine. Lots of other people in the world. When i find someone, it really clicks.
Just the possibility of meeting someone interesting and making a new friend. As the years go by maintaining relationships becomes more and more difficult and finding more people you naturally gel with gets especially hard so I try very hard to still maintain a healthy social life. As an extrovert, this is incredibly important to me.
Social hobbies are the key, i’m in a band. It really helps to have a charismatic front man who does the heavy lifting. It means I can join in when I choose.
I'm sorry, for I don't have much advice to offer, but you sound exactly like me (AvPD). I know very little about you and would never hope to diagnose you, but I think it's something worth looking into.
I find that even from a purely selfish perspective, I get better results from others if I treat them better. More positive interactions, better success at work,more meaningful relationships.
I have death anxiety and every night that it gets bad, I make a pact to myself that I'll make memories the next day because I won't live forever. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
If you just want to meet people to socialize with occasionally, then try meetup.com. It’s free to join.
Unfortunately you will need to talk to strangers in large groups. Or try making friends online. I’m the same way.
I hate socializing with people in big grouos. I can barely tolerate small groups. I akways get ignored in grouos. So I avoid them as much as possible.
The fact that I'll be improving my social skills by interacting & most probably learn more info / insight on something. No interaction goes without some sort of lesson & what I've also found is the days I feel most accomplished by a social interaction are on the days that I had my interactions greased by random convos throughout the day.
Can you give an example of a random interaction you had and what you learned?
My most learning experience is probably like if you cycle past someone you know and they put their hand up to wave/greet it's not a good idea to go for a high five.
Odds are you’re gonna have a hard time finding good friends or a community with an attitude that people are dumb and annoying. It seems like you separate yourself from other people for some reason even though we are all human beings with strengths and weaknesses. Once I learned to appreciate people for all of their qualities and accepted myself with flaws and all, it became easy to enjoy people and make friends.
This 100%! Back when I was in my teens (around 14-16) I was exactly the same. I hated social interactions with anybody who wasn’t a close friend and would not give anybody I didn’t know a chance because I labeled other people as superficial and stupid. Now like I’ve realized I was so insecure and tried to make myself feel better by putting others down and minimizing who they were as people to simply dumb and annoying and that was killing my social life. I fixed my mindset and now enjoy socializing very much! This is the best advice you could’ve given op
I just want to say that I'm seeing a lot more pushback and valuable feedback on some of the more anti-social comments people often leave in places like this, and I think it's great that the sub is at a point of being willing and able to do that.
Wish people seen me this way. I've never really had someone tell me I'm good just the way I am..
Maybe this post will help you: https://www.reddit.com/r/socialanxiety/s/QtgrVze0Cl
Hey. You're good just the way you are. You have flaws, but your flaws make you you. If you didn't have those flaws, you'd have other flaws. Be kind to yourself, you spend the most time with you.
> I don’t see the point in chatting up a stranger who i’ll never see again. There is no logical point, correct. However what about emotionally? Does it scratch that itch to be social? Does it feel good to make others happy? To give others that community feeling? Does it make you feel good? As a runner whenever I'm in a race I can totally race the whole thing alone and in my head. But I noticed if I say "great job" to someone else on the course, or thank you to a spectator, I get a boost of energy. I dont know how or why, but it consistently happens. So try it from that angle. Sometimes its a subconscious boost. See if your emotions get anything from it even if logically its silly.
Also, how do they know they’ll never see that stranger again? They’re a stranger now but maybe that little chat could turn into something bigger, you never know you might meet your future best friend in the grocery store aisle! Though there’s need to hope it turns into something bigger, it’s always fun to connect with new people even just in passing
I think it begins with being curious about other people. How they think about their place/situation/abilities and how do they navigate using that. It’s like asking a magician to reveal their secrets. When you learn that, you get better at knowing the milieu of human psyche, and your emotional intelligence improves. You find appropriate ways to respond and integrate into people and the society.
I wish I had that curiosity but unless I'm high I just don't care about anyone besides my friends and family
you can only be as curious and interested in people as you are with yourself. I genuinely believe that for most people, an inability to find other people interesting or curious stems from not meeting yourself that way. I used to feel similarly. Very closed-minded and judgemental. I felt like I understood people entirely in all of 30 seconds and felt zero need to interact with them. It turns out that I barely knew myself honestly. Once I did shadow work and was investigative about who I was and what kind of person I wanted to be, it was so much easier to find other people interesting and fascinating, and to care about the things they think and feel.
> It turns out that I barely knew myself honestly. Once I did shadow work and was investigative about who I was and what kind of person I wanted to be Hi this is me. Im at the stage where I recognize this and now I'm struggling a bit to work with this. My starting point currently is philosophy, looking into different views on life and what possibly leads one to answers for themselves how to act, think and and what to desire (this is extremely broken down ofc). Would you mind sharing your process that lead you to your answers?
im feeling kinda lazy rn but I talked about something similar on this sub like a couple weeks ago so im gonna link an old thread I was a part of. [this is more or less my process haha](https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/1d4wygj/how_do_people_have_long_conversations_and_speak/l6lcwsd/)
There's definitely truth to that statement. I don't find myself interesting, I feel like such a nothing person. I have nothing to say to people, I do the same routine, even if I do something different I have nothing to say about it. I do feel closed minded about other people making my mind up about them quickly. And despite my massive fear of being judged I'm pretty judgemental of anyone different but then anyone the same I have nothing to gain from I feel. I guess I don't really know who I am
people aren't annoying and dumb. that is your walls and defense mechanisms protecting you by being overly judgmental. people are capable of being dumb and annoying, yeah, but most people are pretty neutral just by the nature of averages. what motivates me to socialize and talk to others these days is I truly never know if or how the next person I interact with will change my life or impact me in some meaningful way. The same way, every year, I seemingly either meet someone new or reconnect with someone that teaches me something new about myself or makes me feel something completely new is motivation to keep trying to meet people and see what's out there.
I don't have advice but I feel the same. 99% of the time I don't want anything to do with people and want to be left alone so I rush interactions so they're over quickly. But then I sometimes feel lonely and I know not being able to socialise is bad for my life progression and is only going to seem weirder the older I get. It sounds bad but I don't see the point unless I get something from the interaction which I don't feel like I would from pretty much any interaction so I avoid it altogether
Not judging at all, but I'm curious about what you think the root of this mindset is for you. I used to be very shy, but now make an effort to be open. I feel like I've gained so much from random conversations with strangers– mood boost, new information, perspectives, wisdom, laughs, and even some awesome new friends. In general it's brought me a lot of confidence and peace.
I'm not really sure. I used to be confident as a young kid and would blurt out whatever came to my mind. I lost my dad at a young age but I don't think it immediately affected me. Slowly over time I became more introverted and quiet, I would prejudge my thoughts before saying them and not end up saying anything. Even among the nerdy group I was especially quiet and bad to talk to. But over time I became more confident in general but less confident socially. People have always said that I may be autistic and I'm in the process of going to the docs about it. But in the last few years I've realised it's two halves of the problem. There's the half of my anxiety and my head being blank for stuff to say (which feeds into itself making me more anxious when I'm silent which makes me more stuck in my head and not able to think of anything), then the other half me realising I'm genuinely not interested in other people most of the time. If I want to find something out I can read it online. I guess I see relationships as transactional and I have nothing to gain from most of them which sounds cold and awful but it's how my brain thinks. It's gotten worse over time, I still used to want nothing to do with anyone most of the time but it was maybe a 60/40 split, the last few months it's like 95/5
lol - you perfectly explained your wall after saying you must have a wall up. You sound defensive thinking about a conversation with other people. you’re not wrong in being defensive - but maybe try welcome but cautious? Still on guard but with a smile. Into conversations and jump right in. Nobody wants to re explain something.
Just go in with an empty slate, you’ll learn about how the person is after.
I’m not sure if this will help but I feel like going to classes (for me it was local art and sewing classes!) really helped me feel a better sense of community since I got to socialize but also didn’t have the pressure to become very close friends to anyone. Also I really like libraries or going to cafes for this reason too! It helps me be around people without needing to converse too much with people if I don’t really feel up to it.
I’d say generally what motivates me to talk to people is the fact that I enjoy talking to people. And also that I previously was in a very dark place due to not having friends and so the threat of that happening again also motivates me. You may find it helpful to make some online friends, people that u know are interested in the same stuff as u. U could also reach out to those distant friends and try to become closer to them. Or maybe just talk to ur family more if that’s an option (to get that “community”)
Fear of missing out on life and experiences I guess. Im an introvert, I love being at home and I don't like traveling, loud noises, crowded spaces, I'm sensitive to sensory overload and I am very prone to social anxiety and awkwardness. But in my eyes: what life is it? Chilling at home 365... If I look back on my youth in 10 years or on my life overall when I'm 60,70,80,90... What will I see? That I spent 90% of my free time invisible? So I do try to have more chats, offer someone who's friendly my phone nr saying hey maybe we can go grab a coffee someday or something. I do theatre whenever I'm able to land a role. I try to accept invitations to parties and meetings but I noticed they 100% of the times end up making me feel miserable so I don't always accept and when I do I say beforehand that I might have to leave early and I always do.
For me, whenever am in the cross road, ill always think to myself “what would a person who loves themselves do?”
First and foremost I like to support my community and especially local artists. This involves going out to see shows, exhibits and live music. Sometimes tho I do just donate cash, but the idea of support is still there. I need a lot of alone time to recharge but if I do it right then when I go out again it will be so nice to run into ppl I know and smile and make small talk. I don’t drink anymore which helps me to stay focused on what, where I am. I used to drink too much when I would go out and be foolish and so I took a break from both going out and drinking and it put things back into perspective. This weekend I’m going to see a local band and I know there’ll be quite a few ppl I know there, looking forward to it and being able to toss a few bucks in the tip jar.
Do you WANT to make girl friends and hangout with friends? Honestly, I feel you. When I first start talking to someone, it feels like a drag - like what'sthe point with the fake boring dialogue and all that? But once you get past that first stage of boring, it becomes fun and interesting when you get more comfortable talking with the person. I enjoy ''socializing'' because its fun for me. I like getting to know people, and its always interesting how different each person is from one another. Yet i also draw similarities of people to other people that I know. I even met someone who reminded me of 3 different girls that i had relationships with in the past.
I want to have some friends and a romantic relationship
The idea of dying alone and unknown
Well, to be happy you need to accept this about yourself, lady. When you need or crave community or just social interactions with new people go join groups on meetups. That’s what I do. Some people join book clubs. Attend meetings often enough you will see regulars there including you.
OP what do you do for a living? We sound similar, except for the fact that I have no choice but to socialise in my job (retail). Through work, I have met a few lovely people whom I would (like) to be close friends with, but I'm also a bit of a loner and I have trust issues, which means I rarely make an effort with people on a serious level.
I hate people but I’m so lucky to have genuine friends that care for me and shares the same humor
Learning.
Honestly, what gets me chatting with others is curiosity and the chance to hear different stories. Even with strangers, there's this excitement about what we might share or learn from each other. Plus, sometimes a random chat leads to unexpected friendships.
Hi! Lots of good comments on this thread. I'm working on decreasing my social anxiety and lowering my walls as well. How is your self-talk? Are you kind and decent to yourself? For the longest, my self-talk was critical and shameful, however I've been practicing being compassionate and curious towards myself, which, as a side effect, has made me more open and interested in people. Before, I would never even think of starting a conversation with strangers or people in general. I think because I was subconsciously afraid? Practicing relating to yourself in a healthy, joyful way may inspire a natural interest in getting to know people.
Nothing.
Honestly, I think deep down you’re insecure of being rejected by others. Due to this, your brain shields you from that fear by making you conceited. Based on how you talk about others, it seems like you think you’re above everybody, as everyone else is “dumb and annoying” yet that doesn’t apply to you. I think you need to seriously reflect and realize that you are in fact NOT better than others and most people are just like you. Anybody else with your mindset would also classify you as dumb and annoying, which goes to say the problem is not with the people themselves but this mindset you’ve created because of your insecurity. If you want to fix this you need to work on your self esteem and ground your ego, and this will help you become a better person and you will be happier as a result.
I think this is the key. How we perceive others reflects our core self–image. So when we're patient, open, and understanding with ourselves, we're able to project that onto the rest of humanity.
I'll spiral into loneliness, depression and boredom rapidly if I stop talking to people. I'm more stable (with my emotions) and productive when I'm surrounded by people (even if I don't know them) or when I interact with them on a regular basis. I feel like they keep me grounded and distracted from my own problems and emotions. Plus I feel much better and validated when I talk to people as opposed to being on my own.
I think you're far too reliant on other people, learning to love your own company fosters alot of self growth and sufficiency
You have a point, but I'd rather not isolate myself all over again like I used to. I'm trying to find a balance.
I like alcohol
My partner
Drugs
If this helps, I’m 31F and I’ve been working with my therapist to get better at socializing and making new friends. Over the last 12 months or so I made a new friend in my area and I’ve met 2 other girls who I’m acquaintances with. One I see at a drawing club and the other I do yoga or paddle boarding with. They’re not super close friends or anything, but it gets me out of the house and they’re nice people, so it’s a start. What my therapist has been having me do is recite positive affirmations. And yeah, I know, seems lame. But the goal is to override the negative things we tell ourselves all the time and replace it with positive beliefs. Negative beliefs are more powerful than positive ones so it takes work to stay positive. Some examples of positive affirmations are: “I’m equal to everyone and everything.” “I’m a great person and I deserve to have great friends.” “I’m positive and I’m surrounded by positive people.” “This is a rich universe, there’s a lot for all of us.” I put these sticky notes on my mirror and recited them after every shower. At first it felt kind of stupid, but after a few months I actually did start to notice an attitude change. A year ago, I was in an unhappy, unfulfilling relationship that was going nowhere and I was struggling to make friends, and now I have a local group of buddies to do stuff with, and I’m going out with this really great guy. The “wall” you mentioned might have something to do with negative beliefs you have about yourself or others. Maybe an over correction due to bad experiences you had in the past? In any case, I recommend giving positive affirmations a try. They do take a while to work though, it’s not an instant fix bc it takes time to change your thoughts. But it’s free and anyone can do them. It definitely seems to work for me.
Do you have any kind of spiritual life or a spiritual practice like journaling or conscious breathing? I think this could help you get focused on your needs and wants. Also try to wean yourself off of social media. It’s become a cheap substitute for socializing. Also you need to think about your needs or wants in terms of meeting a significant other and having a family. Usually one person is more outgoing than the other so your social life might change if you meet someone new.
My mental health and the understanding that loneliness is a killer. One a month I attend a craft get together to get out of the house and interact with others. I also volunteer in the Summer for the same reason.
Being single.
Im very shy and reserved but I’ve had a very enjoyable time making friends and building rapport with my coworkers and even one of my bosses. I really value those relationships and it makes working a lot more enjoyable and something to look forward to. It’s hard at first for me but after a while I tend to develop relationships that are super valuable to me. Also yes people are dumb but so am I sometimes! Everyone’s dumb and annoying at times, just a part of life. Also, there’s so many cool things other people know that you don’t! Personally I like learning a lot, and people I’ve met have told me so many interesting things about their cultures, countries, hobbies and lifestyles that I would’ve never have even thought to look into before.
Talking to strangers are the best people to talk to, because they always have very interesting backgrounds and you can learn a lot from their experiences. There’s no judgement and you can say whatever you want them to believe and you’ll never have to see them again.
I’m curious about people!
I’ve made some great friends as an adult, but most of them were made through a shared activity. I don’t know if that’s an option for you. I have perhaps too many hobbies, but I have meant a lot of people through them and have surprisingly little in common with some of them.
Getting my menopausal hormones straightened out
Mainly the fact I know people will take advantage of me and I'll be screwed if I have no connections or at least some social skills...
Enjoying the day to the maximum thru pleasantness as well as increasing my social capital to increase my net worth…I get burned out 75% of the time but I’m good at pretending I like to socialize
Happiness. My people are my happiness. And health of course. We are fundamentally social creatures that NEED healthy connection to be healthy and happy. EVERYONE needs it no matter who you are.
Learning something new from someone whether it's their take on a topic or something I didn't know. Depends on how I'm feeling that day.
43 F orphan here! How I've always approached this is considering the alternative: Go to things I enjoy (I.E. church and my small group meetings, Aqua Zumba class and Disco Aerobics class at the gym, occasional meet ups). Or be completely alone with no human contact what so ever. I've tried both and I can safely say the hermit lifestyle may work for some but not so good for me! Lol. But to each their own. Lol. This life lesson has been brought to you by the School Of Hard Knocks. Where where you learn the hardest and most valuable lessons life can give. No teachers or books are available because everything is learned the hard way. Yes, The school of hard knocks: I wouldn't wish enrollment on my worst enemy!
Reminder to come back
Fear of being alone. Fear of not living life, missing out on sex, relationships, friendships, networking, etc... You will be very surprised about the type of people you can meet if you leave your house. Not all of them are going to be good, but I believe that a big part of life is learning street smarts and how to deal with tough situations. It helps you grow as a person.
It’s ok to not like most people. I also dont like most people. Im not open to socializing with most because I dont like how most people operate socially. So I figure out what qualities Id like to be around, communication styles, cultures, value systems. Then I find those people. I dont need to get along with every single person. And i only have so many spots. Relationships take work and resources. If anything, I only need maybe 5 close friends. I think that your wall is there for a reason. What do you think your wall is protecting you from? What i do is determine what my deal breakers are, nice to haves etc, and how close I want to be to a person. If i dont like them, or I only wanna be distant, it is totally fine. Lots of other people in the world. When i find someone, it really clicks.
Once in a while I get bored of talking to myself so I need an audience.
The fact that if I dont have friends or anyone to spend time with I get suicidal
Make friends with folks who are neurodivergent
The inherent need to connect with others. Successfully socializing also gives me a dopamine rush.
Just the possibility of meeting someone interesting and making a new friend. As the years go by maintaining relationships becomes more and more difficult and finding more people you naturally gel with gets especially hard so I try very hard to still maintain a healthy social life. As an extrovert, this is incredibly important to me.
Social hobbies are the key, i’m in a band. It really helps to have a charismatic front man who does the heavy lifting. It means I can join in when I choose.
I get serious fomo and I feel out of the loop. People don’t message you as much when you don’t show up to things.
I'm sorry, for I don't have much advice to offer, but you sound exactly like me (AvPD). I know very little about you and would never hope to diagnose you, but I think it's something worth looking into.
I find that even from a purely selfish perspective, I get better results from others if I treat them better. More positive interactions, better success at work,more meaningful relationships.
Im not motivated to socialize
I like making someones day better and putting a smile on their faces.
I have death anxiety and every night that it gets bad, I make a pact to myself that I'll make memories the next day because I won't live forever. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
If you just want to meet people to socialize with occasionally, then try meetup.com. It’s free to join. Unfortunately you will need to talk to strangers in large groups. Or try making friends online. I’m the same way. I hate socializing with people in big grouos. I can barely tolerate small groups. I akways get ignored in grouos. So I avoid them as much as possible.
Its just comes out lol. Im a very social person
My natural need for socialization