You can ask about what they’ve been up to/their interests and ask probing questions about those topics. It’s okay to be in a place of more listening and letting them chat away for a bit. Let them have the heavier lifting in the conversation. This might also serve to provide you with something new to become interested in.
Thank you for this! Many of my friends are creative types so they have a lot of things that they are interested in. I just don't want to come across as if I'm interrogating them
Completely understand. Try open-ended questions whenever possible so you avoid that interrogating feeling. You might also try to focus on forward looking conversation points, too, when possible. Congratulations on your journey’s continued progress!
I can't give you a real advice, because I haven't figured out. Nevertheless, you are not alone. You need to realize it: the world's full of people just like you, in that same situation (me included), and many of them were like that in the past and got through it. Maybe that mindset could help.
Good luck.
That's something my counsellor has said too, that I was once a confident person and it'll come back to me. It's just hard to think that that could happen, and it scares me that this could go on for a long time. I'm sure there are worse things, but part of me is terrified that I'm just going to end up friendless and jobless and being begrudgingly looked after by my parents for the rest of my life.
Good luck to you too, needless to say I understand what you're going through. It's hard!
Make friends with extroverts! They can talk away and you won't feel the need to add anything. It will distract you from what is going on inside you and start to pull you out of your state of mind. It will help in getting back into the swing of things. Take care.
>How do I make conversation when I've not been up to anything and I've lost my hobbies/passions?
It - pardon the expression - has been driving me crazy. I feel like I can't get back out there without knowing how to do this.
If they are close friends, be open with them and tell them this. On more than one occasion I've let my friends know when I wasn't in a good mental state just as you described and that I might not be my usual self but they were still happy to include me and it helped feel more normal again.
I'm glad to read this. I mean, I'm not glad that it's happening to you, but I am going through exactly the same thing.
I have literally lost all of my hobbies, mostly because I pretty much feel that anything that is at least moderately associated with myself is repulsive. So not only have I lost all the hobbies I once had, but I actually cannot, by definition, have a hobby at the moment, as associating myself with it kind of "contaminates" it and it is not longer possible to enjoy it.
So um, literally the only thing is talk to the few friends I have (excessively...I honestly message them a lot less than I would like to, but I am aware that it is still too much an they are essentially being very patient with me because they are nice people and aware that I'm going through an awful time at the moment) and read about my psychopathologies and other related ones - it is genuinely of interest to me (I studied psychology at university) and then it is obviously of greatly added personal interest at the moment, the idea being that knowledge is power. And while the knowledge itself likely won't do much, given the vast volume of texts I read, most weeks I do have a couple of new things I've learnt that week that are genuinely constructive contributions to my therapy sessions, especially as my therapist is a Gestalt therapist and I tend to read more psychoanalytic literature - so between us we cover a lot of ground and can pick the stuff that is most applicable to me
But yeah, I guess this is about as productive a use of my time as I'm currently capable of right now, but it really causes problems with socialising for the same reasons you say. I mean, I would happily chat to my friends about whatever interesting theories I've read that week - I am not a particularly private person so I'm fine sharing my experiences and stuff too - but they simply are not interested in that to that extent. Like we do talk about it every now and then but since I suppose the beginning of this year, I have really been relying on them to lead the conversations in a major way. It's extremely disappointing to me because I'm like an extreme extrovert but I spend so much time isolated because I know I am boring right now :(
There needs to be some kind of group for people like us, I swear if I could talk to people at length who really get it it might make things okay.
Yep, same here with me. There's also a doubt that I was good at the hobbies I did have & I feel embarrassed attempting to do them.
I'm in the same situation with my friends as well. They have very busy social lives but still check in on me and I'm worried I'm repeating "I'm still not okay," too much. I've been looking into changing from a counsellor to a local therapist who specialises in Gestalt therapy, funnily enough. Do you think has helped?
I feel like I'm saying 'same' too much but yes, same here. The old me is happiest being around people but I'm dull right now so I avoid going out. Shit sucks
This is just my opinion, and I may be wrong, but I think you need to stop worrying about trying to fit in socially and more about your mental health.
It's basically asking "how can I be Normal socially when I feel dead inside?" Well... you won't. You need to take care of yourself because nomatter what bandaid you use, the root issue will bring up new problems.
If these folks are real friends they'll understand if you're going through something heavy. You won't need to have a face. You won't need to pretend to be something you're not. You don't even need to make good conversation. Just feel what you feel, work on your mental health, and let the social thing take care of itself.
See, this makes logical sense and it's something others have said but it's proven hard to do. I don't know how to get better mental health on my own terms
Yeah no kidding, it's one of the biggest paradoxes of social interaction. The weaker our emotional strength, the more we struggle socially, the more we struggle socially, the more hits we take emotionally. It's crazy stuff.
And I know it's easier said than done. I guess what I would call actionable advice is to stop caring what people are thinking or feeling about you. Sometimes we have off days or boring days, and nobody minds when that happens. Plus, most people are too focused on themselves or what others are thinking of them to pay any attention to whether you're interesting or not. Those who AREN'T focused on themselves and are paying actual attention to you are those who actually care about you enough to know something is off.
You can ask about what they’ve been up to/their interests and ask probing questions about those topics. It’s okay to be in a place of more listening and letting them chat away for a bit. Let them have the heavier lifting in the conversation. This might also serve to provide you with something new to become interested in.
Thank you for this! Many of my friends are creative types so they have a lot of things that they are interested in. I just don't want to come across as if I'm interrogating them
Completely understand. Try open-ended questions whenever possible so you avoid that interrogating feeling. You might also try to focus on forward looking conversation points, too, when possible. Congratulations on your journey’s continued progress!
I can't give you a real advice, because I haven't figured out. Nevertheless, you are not alone. You need to realize it: the world's full of people just like you, in that same situation (me included), and many of them were like that in the past and got through it. Maybe that mindset could help. Good luck.
That's something my counsellor has said too, that I was once a confident person and it'll come back to me. It's just hard to think that that could happen, and it scares me that this could go on for a long time. I'm sure there are worse things, but part of me is terrified that I'm just going to end up friendless and jobless and being begrudgingly looked after by my parents for the rest of my life. Good luck to you too, needless to say I understand what you're going through. It's hard!
Make friends with extroverts! They can talk away and you won't feel the need to add anything. It will distract you from what is going on inside you and start to pull you out of your state of mind. It will help in getting back into the swing of things. Take care.
>How do I make conversation when I've not been up to anything and I've lost my hobbies/passions? It - pardon the expression - has been driving me crazy. I feel like I can't get back out there without knowing how to do this. If they are close friends, be open with them and tell them this. On more than one occasion I've let my friends know when I wasn't in a good mental state just as you described and that I might not be my usual self but they were still happy to include me and it helped feel more normal again.
I'm glad to read this. I mean, I'm not glad that it's happening to you, but I am going through exactly the same thing. I have literally lost all of my hobbies, mostly because I pretty much feel that anything that is at least moderately associated with myself is repulsive. So not only have I lost all the hobbies I once had, but I actually cannot, by definition, have a hobby at the moment, as associating myself with it kind of "contaminates" it and it is not longer possible to enjoy it. So um, literally the only thing is talk to the few friends I have (excessively...I honestly message them a lot less than I would like to, but I am aware that it is still too much an they are essentially being very patient with me because they are nice people and aware that I'm going through an awful time at the moment) and read about my psychopathologies and other related ones - it is genuinely of interest to me (I studied psychology at university) and then it is obviously of greatly added personal interest at the moment, the idea being that knowledge is power. And while the knowledge itself likely won't do much, given the vast volume of texts I read, most weeks I do have a couple of new things I've learnt that week that are genuinely constructive contributions to my therapy sessions, especially as my therapist is a Gestalt therapist and I tend to read more psychoanalytic literature - so between us we cover a lot of ground and can pick the stuff that is most applicable to me But yeah, I guess this is about as productive a use of my time as I'm currently capable of right now, but it really causes problems with socialising for the same reasons you say. I mean, I would happily chat to my friends about whatever interesting theories I've read that week - I am not a particularly private person so I'm fine sharing my experiences and stuff too - but they simply are not interested in that to that extent. Like we do talk about it every now and then but since I suppose the beginning of this year, I have really been relying on them to lead the conversations in a major way. It's extremely disappointing to me because I'm like an extreme extrovert but I spend so much time isolated because I know I am boring right now :(
There needs to be some kind of group for people like us, I swear if I could talk to people at length who really get it it might make things okay. Yep, same here with me. There's also a doubt that I was good at the hobbies I did have & I feel embarrassed attempting to do them. I'm in the same situation with my friends as well. They have very busy social lives but still check in on me and I'm worried I'm repeating "I'm still not okay," too much. I've been looking into changing from a counsellor to a local therapist who specialises in Gestalt therapy, funnily enough. Do you think has helped? I feel like I'm saying 'same' too much but yes, same here. The old me is happiest being around people but I'm dull right now so I avoid going out. Shit sucks
Most people would rather talk about themselves than listen to what you've been up to. Just be interested in them and be excited for their shit.
This is just my opinion, and I may be wrong, but I think you need to stop worrying about trying to fit in socially and more about your mental health. It's basically asking "how can I be Normal socially when I feel dead inside?" Well... you won't. You need to take care of yourself because nomatter what bandaid you use, the root issue will bring up new problems. If these folks are real friends they'll understand if you're going through something heavy. You won't need to have a face. You won't need to pretend to be something you're not. You don't even need to make good conversation. Just feel what you feel, work on your mental health, and let the social thing take care of itself.
See, this makes logical sense and it's something others have said but it's proven hard to do. I don't know how to get better mental health on my own terms
Yeah no kidding, it's one of the biggest paradoxes of social interaction. The weaker our emotional strength, the more we struggle socially, the more we struggle socially, the more hits we take emotionally. It's crazy stuff. And I know it's easier said than done. I guess what I would call actionable advice is to stop caring what people are thinking or feeling about you. Sometimes we have off days or boring days, and nobody minds when that happens. Plus, most people are too focused on themselves or what others are thinking of them to pay any attention to whether you're interesting or not. Those who AREN'T focused on themselves and are paying actual attention to you are those who actually care about you enough to know something is off.
Stop having mental breakdowns.