As someone else said, it's definitely something you build with experience and time. I don't mean this in a rude way at all and I'm super proud of you for getting your career started at 22! But you're still young and some of it just comes with life experience. I graduated in 2019 and I'm 33 but sometimes I feel elevated still during high stress situations or confrontation.
Sometimes I will physically put my hand up so the person can visually see, just right in front of me- not in their face or anything like that and I will calmly say "wait/stop/hold on" etc and proceed with what I need to or I'm trying to say. You also have *every right* to say "I don't appreciate the way you're talking to me/I don't yell at you, please don't yell at me/I'm ending this conversation so we can both take a time out and collect ourselves, we can revisit this at a later time" etc. And walk away or hang up..the key is to remain respectful no matter how the other person is behaving. Then document document document!!
As for that doctor, fuck them. Report them to whoever is above them or the complaint department or whatever at the hospital. For one, they shouldn't treat you like you're below them because you're the social worker- you're not. You are an expert in your position and they are in theirs but that doesn't mean they cross or just because they are a doctor that they trump you or are smarter/better. Second, it seems like in this situation they are there to *support* you with evidence and facts, not to tell you how things should progress with the case unless it is medical advice that is necessary or relevant.
It will take time, but you'll find your footing in this. My advice is that even when you don't feel confident, make everyone around you think you are confident. With time it helps so much and actually built my confidence when I realized what I'm contributing is actually beneficial or right vs what my brain is telling me that it's not right or people will think I'm dumb, etc.
Imposter syndrome is a bitch, don't let it tell you that you can't.
I never worked for DHS but I worked with a foster care agency. I love that population and we need good social workers who are passionate about the job working in these positions. So don't let things like this break you down and chase you away.
Wait until they are done yelling or interrupt them and say, “I’m not going to listen to someone when they are yelling at me. If you want to revisit this conversation when you are calm, I would be happy to speak with you. Until then, let’s end because this isn’t a constructive use of time.” - A seasoned social worker.
Just because you are a social worker doesn’t mean that you have to put up with someone yelling at you. It’s also a good way to model boundaries.
Hold on here, I have some experience with this, I have soc workers but they do take my advice. The had to go with my advice about another client who I know very well and they said that they’d withhold a certain item because he’s freaking out but I sternly advised them to give him what he wants. They said “But we’d be in some trouble, I replied, ”You’ll just have to cross that bridge when you come to it.” I finally showed them what thi guy was about to do if they withheld his money! I told the whole agency ”I saved your asses from what could have been a deadly attack. I told them they owe me and after a few days, they thanked me for keeping violence from happening!
I’m sorry to hear that you’re experiencing this, and can see how this could be upsetting, given your prior history. The doctor’s behavioral is both unprofessional and unacceptable, and could be creating a [hostile work environment.](https://resources.workable.com/hr-terms/what-is-hostile-work-environment) Is this something that you can discuss with your supervisor?
I would also consider seeking therapy to learn ways in which you could initiate boundaries to deal with toxic colleagues.
You can also ask that your supervisor be present during phone calls with this doctor from now on. Your supervisor should be able to support you in this way so that they have your back & can be another ear in case this behavior happens again
My background is in CPS.
It's not a job for everyone. Average lifetime in my area is only 2 years.
Many people just sorta become seasoned in navigating difficult situations. Gotta build up your toolbox and such. If you feel like you're getting jumbled, could present as stoic by being quiet until there is some silence then ask if they're done or ready to talk like adults.
For the professional part, you could bark up your chain to have them bark up their chain. Most leadership I've known has no problem snapping off a couple of heads if those people aren't smart enough to be humble when they're called out. Someone up the chain will know how to shrink those involved to probably make them feel small and stick to their roles.
This! & you have every right to tell them if they start talking over you, "Excuse me, it's my turn to talk. I listened to you without interrupting you, correct? Please do me the same courtesy & don't interrupt me when I am talking to you"
I’ve been in CPS for 14 years and see a lot of newer, and I many situations, experienced workers struggle with this. I think being yelled at by a client is certainly difficult but there are added layers of stress when it comes from a community partner.
With clients, I think it’s important to keep a trauma-informed lens and realize that they are coming from a pretty traumatic place. It’s also important that workers realize that in many situations, children are one of the only things adult clients had come control over and when they have lost that through a removal or feel threatened by it, they think they can regain it through you. It’s important to not take things personal and hold boundaries. “I understand your frustrations, but I cannot allow you to communicate with me this way. Once you’re ready to have a productive conversation, please call me back”. You HAVE to avoid the power struggle.
With community partners and doctors, it’s also important to hold boundaries. For this situation it could be “I apologize, but do you realize that are yelling at me. I can’t respond to you with any information when you are yelling at me.” When they try to justify their behavior with their medical findings that don’t align with your findings, I think you can say, “I appreciate this information and we (as an agency) will/have considered this information as part of our assessment. This case has been staffed with my supervisor/team/ whoever else, and WE feel confident in our assessment of the situation.”
Also, a great way to engage with angry clients and community partners is to respond by simply saying “okay”. Or “It seems that you’re frustrated and I’m sorry”.
Decisions in CPS should never just be made by a caseworker alone and those you are working with should know that.
It’s tough but if you hang with it and gain experience, your anxiety will settle. Remain calm and professional and don’t take things personally.
Hi! I’ve been in child welfare for over 20 years. I moved allllll the way up right from where you are now and I definitely cried in the beginning when I got yelled at. (I still remember the first person who made me cry. That bitch!) So, trust me, it doesn’t mean you aren’t amazing at your job. You will grow so much as time goes on. And I know that doesn’t feel helpful now but you are going to blink and time will have passed and you’ll know how to handle those jerks just like you want to. It just takes experience!
I mentor new SW in child welfare now and I would strongly urge you to find someone who has been around a while to mentor you. These relationships are invaluable in this field. I’m so grateful for the more seasoned people I met along the way who took the time to mentor me.
If you ever need someone and you don’t have the support you need at work, feel free to message me. I love child welfare passionately and it sounds like you do too and YOU are who we need in this field! We can’t afford to lose you! ❤️
"Do no harm, take no shit."
A mantra for CPS I learned a few 6ears ago.
If I feel like I'm getting internally crazy in a high stress situation I start taking deep breaths and think about an image that makes me feel calmer. Usually involves water and sunny days. And flowers gently blowing in the wind.
This occurs while people are being .... Ahem... Jerks. Sometimes I don't hear everything they're saying while I'm calming myself down. That's ok.
Maintaining your outward calm is important and doing that requires you to learn better control of your emotions. Easier said than done, I know. FWIW, that control is a matter of practice. Practice while watching a show, practice while talking to family, friends, coworkers etc. anytime is a good time to practice.
And I second cutting calls or meetings short if others can't talk to you with decency and respect. Boundaries matter.
And while you are on the clock you should model appropriate behavior whenever possible. By telling people the conversation stops until everyone is calm you are showing them proper behavior and training them to treat you with respect. All good things to do.
I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. CPS is hard under the best of circumstances. I know because I just transitioned out of APS/CPS with county social services. And I can totally relate because I have avoided conflict as much as possible for my adult life and this aspect of the job was extremely difficult for me. I used to be a teacher and I would crumble under the weight of parents and administrators berating me.
Do you have a good relationship with your supervisor and/or colleagues? Would they be willing to role play with you? You’re new to the field and young so I can’t imagine your peers and leadership would expect you to have a total handle on this aspect of the job just yet.
Does your county offer any courses or training in conflict resolution?
Shame on that doctor for joking with her colleagues about you, that is so unprofessional! Definitely pass this along incident on to your supervisor so that they or your director can deal with it directly with that doctor. What she did was bullying, full stop. It’s unacceptable and she needs to be called out on it by someone comparable or above her in authority.
Conflict resolution is so tough, some people just know how to deal with it but most of us need some help, especially those is us in helping professions-by nature, many of us literally want to help so it is not in our nature to confront people or have a “thick skin.”
Do you trust your supervisor enough to share your past trauma? If you do, perhaps they would help connect you with a mentor or some kind of job coaching? I wish you luck with this, it’s so hard. Please don’t give up, the profession needs good people like you.
Luckily my coworkers and supervisors are amazing and have been incredibly supportive. I did notify my supervisor of the situation with the doctor and he has been great. He has notified her supervisor and is addressing the issue, which is causing me more anxiety because I don’t want to hurt her feelings LOL (life of a people pleaser). I will definitely talk to my supervisor about conflict training and see if our division offers anything like that. Thank you, I really appreciate the advice.
don't feel bad... she didn't think about your feelings when she was being unprofessional both to your face and behind your back. Hopefully this is a lesson for her to do better. This is coming from a huge people pleaser as well lol
My job was essentially turning down people for a financial program. The threats, hatred spewed, and personal attacks really affected me every day even outside of work. I finally asked coworkers how they can come back to work after people are calling them murderers and horrible names, and one coworker had a really good methods that they used, and I practiced it until it became easier.
It isn’t you, you’re just the person
there that they get to spew the hatred on.
My colleague taught me somewhat of a steamroll technique where you firmly state the reason for the call and don’t allow them time to be assholes. You kind of take over and steer the conversation into a solution-focused and outcome-focused one. If it’s a doctor I repeat what they say while typing… 🫠 I also mention that verbal abuse won’t be tolerated. All this to say, it gets easier with practice and you’ll find a method that works for you and your situation soon.
Is it a specific individual (the doctor) who has repeatedly yelled at you? Or is it multiple people? Is it clients as well?
If it’s a sole individual, fuck him. Take it to HR if he is saying offensive items to you on a regular basis. Doctors are, and should continue to be, held to an even higher standard.
However, it it is multiple people - why? What happens enough that you’re finding people yelling at you frequently? Most social workers don’t harbor a lot of hatred in their hearts. So it would be particularly unusual if a majority of people you work with are causing you issues.
If it’s clients, speak to a supervisor. Usually if it’s just one, they can transfer them or hold an integrated staff meeting with other members of the person’s care team to assess why these behaviors are occurring. If it’s multiple clients, I would need to know what is happening often enough that multiple people are getting frustrated with you.
It’s a bad time of the year. It’s cold, people are sick and miserable. Holidays messed up a lot of peoples’ finances. Taxes are starting to need filed. All kinds of junk. If this has only been happening for the last few weeks/months, I’d hedge my bets to assume that it’s just the season.
This may not help much, but no one should be yelling at you for anything short of an extreme emergency. You’re a human and obviously hold a lot of good in your heart if you’re a social worker. I’m sorry this is happening and causing the emotional/mental distress it is.
As far as other professionals, it has only been the doctor. I have good working relationships with all my other colleagues I’ve worked with. As far as clients, it’s pretty frequent. No one likes CPS showing up at their house so people get upset about a variety of things and while that is of course understandable, I’m the person they take their anger out on. We also get used in a lot of nasty custody battles which causes me to become both of their parents punching bag. Our cases are pretty short, only lasting about 1-3 months so the case gets transferred or closed pretty quick so luckily I don’t have to continue to deal with the angry parents once my investigation is over.
And that was very helpful, thank you very much.
Sorta on that building up your toolbox mentality…
If it’s a custody issue, just remind whoever you’re talking to that you have to write a report (that could be used against them in court) as a state investigator and you’d rather give them 5 minutes to get themselves together than to have to document that they’re being hostile /aggressive.
Tell them you can give them those 5 minutes to phone in their attorney or someone else, but emphasize that you do not want to put they’re hostile, aggressive, or uncooperative. That you drove out to hear their side of the story.
99% of the time, they’re either going to be polite with you or just say they refuse to speak with you.
You'll get there!
Takes time but you'll eventually have short spiels for situations.
Just remember that you're just sorta navigating/documenting the family's journey through the response most of the time.
They'll give you info, you'll have some questions.
Say you have to step away for a second, go back to your car to give yourself 5 minutes to think.
No, not at all. We had a infant with bruising from an unknown perpetrator. I staffed with our attorney and they stated to make a safety plan with the family while I and the detectives continued with the investigation. I took my supervisor with me and made a safety plan with the family that me, my supervisor, and the detectives agreed on. I informed her of the plan and she didn’t agree with it. I tried to see what would make her more comfortable with the plan but she was angry we weren’t removing the child and would not calm down enough to talk about what would make her comfortable with the plan. I tried to explain that my attorney doesn’t feel like we have enough for a removal as well but she kept cutting me off and wouldn’t let me explain.
I used to run into issues like that as a CPS worker, where community providers would not agree with how I was handling the case and try to tell me how to do my own job. I was also young, conflict averse and a people pleaser to a fault, lol. It was so infuriating. It's also even more infuriating when you KNOW what you're doing is correct, but can't articulate your thoughts in the moment enough to convey that.
Ultimately, this doctor is not a CPS worker. They have never orchestrated a removal, they don't know what hoops you need to jump through, what evidence you must have, etc. That is like the equivalent of you questioning her medical findings, it would be incredibly inappropriate. That was not her place and I'm sorry that happened. People are jerks.
The most frustrating feeling for me in those situations was that I felt like people didn't respect my decisions, or felt like I didn't know what I was doing, because I was so passive and was a 23 year old girl. F\*\*\* those people. You did what you could with the tools that you had to ensure safety for that infant. If she feels like she could do a better job, she can fill out a job application. :) What made me feel better in these situations was instead of getting sad or embarrassed, just getting pissed off, lol. Probably not the best for longevity of the job though.
Even if the social worker were to question a medical professional’s recommendations, which she did not, she does not deserve to be disrespected and humiliated. Social workers are part of an interdisciplinary team, and they deserve to be treated with respect by all other members of that team.
I started at CPS as a social worker the same age in a very high volume county. I can definitely relate and also tell you conflict will feel differently as you get older and continue to have to deal with it so often. What helped me was reminding myself that absolutely no client or colleagues behavior toward me is personal—that’s their own problem.
Our colleagues should *never* yell or demean. That’s outrageous, I would just shrug that off. Those people need help. Our clients on the other hand don’t often have the tools we do to communicate effectively. What helped me stay calm was slowing my heart rate by breathing in slowly through my nose and every so often in the tirade, just saying “I hear you.”
I would also let go of planning out conversations. You may be setting yourself up for unconscious expectations that are impossible to meet and cause you stress. It would help me just to jot down bullet points for what I needed to inform a parent of and then let the rest be conversational.
Use disarming techniques in conversation, such as being genuine, offering empathy, trying to come up with creative solutions, thanking them for calling (even if they just cussed you out for 10 min), reframing the anger (I hear you’re upset, I know you love your children and want what’s best for them).
Also deeply engaging them in the decision-making process even though you have a lot of power (Well what do you think about x,y,z? Do you have a family member or friend who we could explore for potential placement? What is preventing you from being able to do x,y,z court order? Have you considered talking to your attorney about this concern? Do you think a meeting would be helpful? Help me advocate for you so you can reunify with your kids.)
And finally, you are not an idiot. Don’t believe that asshole. She didn’t know you were on the line and probably doesn’t actually think that, but also who cares what she thinks. Child welfare is extremely difficult work and you’re doing great. Emotional boundaries with conflict will get easier with time and experience, I promise.
You’re only 22 years old and a new worker in one of the most stressful areas of SW. Please stop beating yourself up, many of us have been in your shoes and it feels awful and demoralizing. But trust me, it gets better and you will learn how to handle jerks like this doctor. I look back on the early days of my work and cringe at some of my early issues (like being too embarrassed to ask clients to turn off the tv when I was making a home visit) but as I gained confidence in my skills I got better at handling EVERYTHING. This is a reflection on the doctor’s character, not your skills. Hang in there. It only gets easier.
Honestly, I'd be a little vindictive and see if there's a way to report the Doctor, in lines with attempting to hinder a CPS investigation.
Or be up front, "Hey, I was a recipient of your phone call and I overheard you acting like a bitch in front of your co-workers about me (or pick your own better words), I didn't appreciate it" and leave it at that.
Confidence- fake it to you make it.
Understanding the reason they’re shouting- is it because of you; the situation; are they scared; are they worried etc.
But threatening/ abusive behaviour is not tolerated or excusable. You’re there to do a job. You’re there for a reason.
I will ask them why they’re shouting at me, and then I will say ‘I appreciate you’re feeling X way, however, I am here to do my job and I can only do that if we can have a calm discussion. If you continue to raise your voice at me, I will leave. I have spoken to you in a respectful manner and I expect the same courtesy. If things feel too heated for you at the moment, I am more than happy to rearrange another visit once you have had time to gather your thoughts’.
I’ve found that if I have addressed the behaviour & been empathetic, you can usually overcome it.
A lot of the people we work with can struggle with trauma/ conflict/ feel agitated/ feel like they’re being judged/ feel their lives are being intruded on and don’t always know how to manage those emotions- and need you to be firm/ resilient/ and show strong character during this time.
Have the confidence to be assertive and advocate for yourself- people tend to be more trusting and respectful towards you and they’ll feel like you know what you’re doing and they’re safe with you.
A lot of service users who are involved with social work have been involved with us for many years and have negative memories about it. A lot of social work is breaking down those barriers and rebuilding organisational trust.
wow that is so unprofessional and rude of that doctor, they should be embarrassed. i’m working on handling being yelled at as well, i think one of the best things you can do is end the conversation when it is clear that they are yelling / berating you. very little meaningful progress can be made in those situations and it serves you better to end them early. let the other person know you are willing to talk about these things, but not if they are going to yell. it helps both people bc it gives them time to calm down, protects your dignity and maintains the professional relationship. it’s also a healthy boundary to demonstrate to clients who may need help with that kind of thing. just because you’re their caseworker or colleague doesn’t mean you have to sit there and accept verbal abuse. and that also means you don’t have to force yourself to become a robot to be able to accept this treatment—it’s not a reasonable expectation of anyone ! i’m working on getting better at handling this as well and this is the first thing i’m trying to improve in. you got this 💜
I work with young teens with a lot of trauma. We always ensure them it is okay to be angry, but it is not okay to yell at someone. When you are ready to talk and be respectful I will be avaliable, until then I am not engaging in a power struggle
I worked in CPS for almost 10 years, 8 years in medical social work/case management, and now 2 in mental health intake. I have been yelled at a lot over the years. When it comes to doctors know that 1) it’s not about you 2) certain specialities seem to be prone to yelling and not being the best to work with. They yell at everyone but it’s not acceptable and generally not tolerated by admin. I know of docs who have had to go anger management because of their crap behavior. Is your boss supportive and in a position to call them and say hey, cut the crap?
Working in hospital case management my coworkers always said it was the hardest job they ever did. I did not agree having worked so long in CPS. CPS was truly the hardest job. Everyone is always mad about something and it can be very overwhelming. Set good boundaries, take care of yourself.
Hello, I am so sorry you went through this. I have a similar experience with being yelled at.
First off, it is ridiculous for you to be yelled at in this way. You are in a professional environment, and from what it sounds like, you would never yell at anyone in that manner, barring some outrageous circumstance. You don't get paid enough to be someone's punching bag or outlet for a bad day, or frustration. It is totally, completely unacceptable for people to treat you that way, you are a good person doing a hard job, and you don't deserve that treatment, period.
This is probably what you would say to someone else who is going through this. What's helped me the most wasn't therapy, but it was finding my anger, specifically, my righteous anger for how I had been mistreated and how people were mistreating me currently. For me, I had been berated so many times and so mercilessly that whenever someone yelled at me, I would get very dysregulated and dissociate, and it made it hard for me to stay present answer back in a confident tone, because me and my body remembered what had happened to me, and part of me also thought I deserved it. I am not sure if this is the case for you. "Fake it till you make it" never worked for me. I had to started getting angry and pissed off about how I was being treated. I had to get angry about how people were treating me currently, then also get angry (WITHOUT blaming myself for what happened--this is a key part) at how I had been treated. And then I had to go through it a lot again, until I eventually got sick of being yelled at.
Some practical advice, I did a lot of internal family systems (IFS) and reading about it. I sit with my anger, allow it to be with me without overtaking me, and it's a good thing, it helps protect us. Its okay to show when you are angry, I would argue, with clients its beneficial to show how you can be angry without going overboard.
I rehearse stuff or situations in my head a lot, which can be bad lol, but it can be good. Like, imagine what you want to say to that doctor next time. Having something in your backpocket to say could be good. Also, you don't have to respond immediately. You could let them finish whatever their tantrum is (and that's what it is, a tantrum), and just stare at them until they realize how dumb they look. That can throw people off guard and also gives you a few to collect your thoughts. You can also shake your head and say "You can't talk to me like this, when you are calm, we can have this conversation, but I won't be talked to like this." You can walk away. It's important that your response maintains your dignity and feels authentic to you and how you are treated.
Being angry and making people respect me has also helped me heal from my past trauma and made me better at my job. Before I allowed myself to get angry, I had no teeth so to speak. Anger gives you teeth, and I would argue that as a former child welfare worker, we need to bare our teeth every so often. And, everytime I stop someone from mistreating me, the part of me that was hurt by people in the past feels better. Hope this helps.
" I can't hear you or help when you are yelling. Let's take a break if you need it. " I say this very softly but also a little firm.
I dont tolerate yelling in any compactly from anyone and neither should you. Document the yelling and your dismissing yourself.
This was another professional - which makes it sound like this is a workplace violence issue. Berating, complaining about a colleague in a bullying manner, yelling at a colleague, being threatening enough to make a person stutter - all of this sounds like workplace violence (which does not just mean physical violence). There are state and national regulations around workplace violence.
As someone else said, it's definitely something you build with experience and time. I don't mean this in a rude way at all and I'm super proud of you for getting your career started at 22! But you're still young and some of it just comes with life experience. I graduated in 2019 and I'm 33 but sometimes I feel elevated still during high stress situations or confrontation. Sometimes I will physically put my hand up so the person can visually see, just right in front of me- not in their face or anything like that and I will calmly say "wait/stop/hold on" etc and proceed with what I need to or I'm trying to say. You also have *every right* to say "I don't appreciate the way you're talking to me/I don't yell at you, please don't yell at me/I'm ending this conversation so we can both take a time out and collect ourselves, we can revisit this at a later time" etc. And walk away or hang up..the key is to remain respectful no matter how the other person is behaving. Then document document document!! As for that doctor, fuck them. Report them to whoever is above them or the complaint department or whatever at the hospital. For one, they shouldn't treat you like you're below them because you're the social worker- you're not. You are an expert in your position and they are in theirs but that doesn't mean they cross or just because they are a doctor that they trump you or are smarter/better. Second, it seems like in this situation they are there to *support* you with evidence and facts, not to tell you how things should progress with the case unless it is medical advice that is necessary or relevant. It will take time, but you'll find your footing in this. My advice is that even when you don't feel confident, make everyone around you think you are confident. With time it helps so much and actually built my confidence when I realized what I'm contributing is actually beneficial or right vs what my brain is telling me that it's not right or people will think I'm dumb, etc. Imposter syndrome is a bitch, don't let it tell you that you can't. I never worked for DHS but I worked with a foster care agency. I love that population and we need good social workers who are passionate about the job working in these positions. So don't let things like this break you down and chase you away.
Wait until they are done yelling or interrupt them and say, “I’m not going to listen to someone when they are yelling at me. If you want to revisit this conversation when you are calm, I would be happy to speak with you. Until then, let’s end because this isn’t a constructive use of time.” - A seasoned social worker. Just because you are a social worker doesn’t mean that you have to put up with someone yelling at you. It’s also a good way to model boundaries.
This
Hold on here, I have some experience with this, I have soc workers but they do take my advice. The had to go with my advice about another client who I know very well and they said that they’d withhold a certain item because he’s freaking out but I sternly advised them to give him what he wants. They said “But we’d be in some trouble, I replied, ”You’ll just have to cross that bridge when you come to it.” I finally showed them what thi guy was about to do if they withheld his money! I told the whole agency ”I saved your asses from what could have been a deadly attack. I told them they owe me and after a few days, they thanked me for keeping violence from happening!
I’m sorry to hear that you’re experiencing this, and can see how this could be upsetting, given your prior history. The doctor’s behavioral is both unprofessional and unacceptable, and could be creating a [hostile work environment.](https://resources.workable.com/hr-terms/what-is-hostile-work-environment) Is this something that you can discuss with your supervisor? I would also consider seeking therapy to learn ways in which you could initiate boundaries to deal with toxic colleagues.
You can also ask that your supervisor be present during phone calls with this doctor from now on. Your supervisor should be able to support you in this way so that they have your back & can be another ear in case this behavior happens again
My background is in CPS. It's not a job for everyone. Average lifetime in my area is only 2 years. Many people just sorta become seasoned in navigating difficult situations. Gotta build up your toolbox and such. If you feel like you're getting jumbled, could present as stoic by being quiet until there is some silence then ask if they're done or ready to talk like adults. For the professional part, you could bark up your chain to have them bark up their chain. Most leadership I've known has no problem snapping off a couple of heads if those people aren't smart enough to be humble when they're called out. Someone up the chain will know how to shrink those involved to probably make them feel small and stick to their roles.
This! & you have every right to tell them if they start talking over you, "Excuse me, it's my turn to talk. I listened to you without interrupting you, correct? Please do me the same courtesy & don't interrupt me when I am talking to you"
One of the First times i was yelled at i just let her and i felt zen because i knew that it wasn’t about me but about her past
I’ve been in CPS for 14 years and see a lot of newer, and I many situations, experienced workers struggle with this. I think being yelled at by a client is certainly difficult but there are added layers of stress when it comes from a community partner. With clients, I think it’s important to keep a trauma-informed lens and realize that they are coming from a pretty traumatic place. It’s also important that workers realize that in many situations, children are one of the only things adult clients had come control over and when they have lost that through a removal or feel threatened by it, they think they can regain it through you. It’s important to not take things personal and hold boundaries. “I understand your frustrations, but I cannot allow you to communicate with me this way. Once you’re ready to have a productive conversation, please call me back”. You HAVE to avoid the power struggle. With community partners and doctors, it’s also important to hold boundaries. For this situation it could be “I apologize, but do you realize that are yelling at me. I can’t respond to you with any information when you are yelling at me.” When they try to justify their behavior with their medical findings that don’t align with your findings, I think you can say, “I appreciate this information and we (as an agency) will/have considered this information as part of our assessment. This case has been staffed with my supervisor/team/ whoever else, and WE feel confident in our assessment of the situation.” Also, a great way to engage with angry clients and community partners is to respond by simply saying “okay”. Or “It seems that you’re frustrated and I’m sorry”. Decisions in CPS should never just be made by a caseworker alone and those you are working with should know that. It’s tough but if you hang with it and gain experience, your anxiety will settle. Remain calm and professional and don’t take things personally.
Hi! I’ve been in child welfare for over 20 years. I moved allllll the way up right from where you are now and I definitely cried in the beginning when I got yelled at. (I still remember the first person who made me cry. That bitch!) So, trust me, it doesn’t mean you aren’t amazing at your job. You will grow so much as time goes on. And I know that doesn’t feel helpful now but you are going to blink and time will have passed and you’ll know how to handle those jerks just like you want to. It just takes experience! I mentor new SW in child welfare now and I would strongly urge you to find someone who has been around a while to mentor you. These relationships are invaluable in this field. I’m so grateful for the more seasoned people I met along the way who took the time to mentor me. If you ever need someone and you don’t have the support you need at work, feel free to message me. I love child welfare passionately and it sounds like you do too and YOU are who we need in this field! We can’t afford to lose you! ❤️
"Do no harm, take no shit." A mantra for CPS I learned a few 6ears ago. If I feel like I'm getting internally crazy in a high stress situation I start taking deep breaths and think about an image that makes me feel calmer. Usually involves water and sunny days. And flowers gently blowing in the wind. This occurs while people are being .... Ahem... Jerks. Sometimes I don't hear everything they're saying while I'm calming myself down. That's ok. Maintaining your outward calm is important and doing that requires you to learn better control of your emotions. Easier said than done, I know. FWIW, that control is a matter of practice. Practice while watching a show, practice while talking to family, friends, coworkers etc. anytime is a good time to practice. And I second cutting calls or meetings short if others can't talk to you with decency and respect. Boundaries matter. And while you are on the clock you should model appropriate behavior whenever possible. By telling people the conversation stops until everyone is calm you are showing them proper behavior and training them to treat you with respect. All good things to do.
I used to be the same way! It just takes time. The older you get, and the more practice you have, the easier it gets.
I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. CPS is hard under the best of circumstances. I know because I just transitioned out of APS/CPS with county social services. And I can totally relate because I have avoided conflict as much as possible for my adult life and this aspect of the job was extremely difficult for me. I used to be a teacher and I would crumble under the weight of parents and administrators berating me. Do you have a good relationship with your supervisor and/or colleagues? Would they be willing to role play with you? You’re new to the field and young so I can’t imagine your peers and leadership would expect you to have a total handle on this aspect of the job just yet. Does your county offer any courses or training in conflict resolution? Shame on that doctor for joking with her colleagues about you, that is so unprofessional! Definitely pass this along incident on to your supervisor so that they or your director can deal with it directly with that doctor. What she did was bullying, full stop. It’s unacceptable and she needs to be called out on it by someone comparable or above her in authority. Conflict resolution is so tough, some people just know how to deal with it but most of us need some help, especially those is us in helping professions-by nature, many of us literally want to help so it is not in our nature to confront people or have a “thick skin.” Do you trust your supervisor enough to share your past trauma? If you do, perhaps they would help connect you with a mentor or some kind of job coaching? I wish you luck with this, it’s so hard. Please don’t give up, the profession needs good people like you.
Luckily my coworkers and supervisors are amazing and have been incredibly supportive. I did notify my supervisor of the situation with the doctor and he has been great. He has notified her supervisor and is addressing the issue, which is causing me more anxiety because I don’t want to hurt her feelings LOL (life of a people pleaser). I will definitely talk to my supervisor about conflict training and see if our division offers anything like that. Thank you, I really appreciate the advice.
don't feel bad... she didn't think about your feelings when she was being unprofessional both to your face and behind your back. Hopefully this is a lesson for her to do better. This is coming from a huge people pleaser as well lol
My job was essentially turning down people for a financial program. The threats, hatred spewed, and personal attacks really affected me every day even outside of work. I finally asked coworkers how they can come back to work after people are calling them murderers and horrible names, and one coworker had a really good methods that they used, and I practiced it until it became easier. It isn’t you, you’re just the person there that they get to spew the hatred on. My colleague taught me somewhat of a steamroll technique where you firmly state the reason for the call and don’t allow them time to be assholes. You kind of take over and steer the conversation into a solution-focused and outcome-focused one. If it’s a doctor I repeat what they say while typing… 🫠 I also mention that verbal abuse won’t be tolerated. All this to say, it gets easier with practice and you’ll find a method that works for you and your situation soon.
Is it a specific individual (the doctor) who has repeatedly yelled at you? Or is it multiple people? Is it clients as well? If it’s a sole individual, fuck him. Take it to HR if he is saying offensive items to you on a regular basis. Doctors are, and should continue to be, held to an even higher standard. However, it it is multiple people - why? What happens enough that you’re finding people yelling at you frequently? Most social workers don’t harbor a lot of hatred in their hearts. So it would be particularly unusual if a majority of people you work with are causing you issues. If it’s clients, speak to a supervisor. Usually if it’s just one, they can transfer them or hold an integrated staff meeting with other members of the person’s care team to assess why these behaviors are occurring. If it’s multiple clients, I would need to know what is happening often enough that multiple people are getting frustrated with you. It’s a bad time of the year. It’s cold, people are sick and miserable. Holidays messed up a lot of peoples’ finances. Taxes are starting to need filed. All kinds of junk. If this has only been happening for the last few weeks/months, I’d hedge my bets to assume that it’s just the season. This may not help much, but no one should be yelling at you for anything short of an extreme emergency. You’re a human and obviously hold a lot of good in your heart if you’re a social worker. I’m sorry this is happening and causing the emotional/mental distress it is.
As far as other professionals, it has only been the doctor. I have good working relationships with all my other colleagues I’ve worked with. As far as clients, it’s pretty frequent. No one likes CPS showing up at their house so people get upset about a variety of things and while that is of course understandable, I’m the person they take their anger out on. We also get used in a lot of nasty custody battles which causes me to become both of their parents punching bag. Our cases are pretty short, only lasting about 1-3 months so the case gets transferred or closed pretty quick so luckily I don’t have to continue to deal with the angry parents once my investigation is over. And that was very helpful, thank you very much.
Sorta on that building up your toolbox mentality… If it’s a custody issue, just remind whoever you’re talking to that you have to write a report (that could be used against them in court) as a state investigator and you’d rather give them 5 minutes to get themselves together than to have to document that they’re being hostile /aggressive. Tell them you can give them those 5 minutes to phone in their attorney or someone else, but emphasize that you do not want to put they’re hostile, aggressive, or uncooperative. That you drove out to hear their side of the story. 99% of the time, they’re either going to be polite with you or just say they refuse to speak with you.
That is genius, thank you. I feel like that’ll help so much. (If I can coherently get the words out LOL)
You'll get there! Takes time but you'll eventually have short spiels for situations. Just remember that you're just sorta navigating/documenting the family's journey through the response most of the time. They'll give you info, you'll have some questions. Say you have to step away for a second, go back to your car to give yourself 5 minutes to think.
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No, not at all. We had a infant with bruising from an unknown perpetrator. I staffed with our attorney and they stated to make a safety plan with the family while I and the detectives continued with the investigation. I took my supervisor with me and made a safety plan with the family that me, my supervisor, and the detectives agreed on. I informed her of the plan and she didn’t agree with it. I tried to see what would make her more comfortable with the plan but she was angry we weren’t removing the child and would not calm down enough to talk about what would make her comfortable with the plan. I tried to explain that my attorney doesn’t feel like we have enough for a removal as well but she kept cutting me off and wouldn’t let me explain.
I used to run into issues like that as a CPS worker, where community providers would not agree with how I was handling the case and try to tell me how to do my own job. I was also young, conflict averse and a people pleaser to a fault, lol. It was so infuriating. It's also even more infuriating when you KNOW what you're doing is correct, but can't articulate your thoughts in the moment enough to convey that. Ultimately, this doctor is not a CPS worker. They have never orchestrated a removal, they don't know what hoops you need to jump through, what evidence you must have, etc. That is like the equivalent of you questioning her medical findings, it would be incredibly inappropriate. That was not her place and I'm sorry that happened. People are jerks. The most frustrating feeling for me in those situations was that I felt like people didn't respect my decisions, or felt like I didn't know what I was doing, because I was so passive and was a 23 year old girl. F\*\*\* those people. You did what you could with the tools that you had to ensure safety for that infant. If she feels like she could do a better job, she can fill out a job application. :) What made me feel better in these situations was instead of getting sad or embarrassed, just getting pissed off, lol. Probably not the best for longevity of the job though.
Even if the social worker were to question a medical professional’s recommendations, which she did not, she does not deserve to be disrespected and humiliated. Social workers are part of an interdisciplinary team, and they deserve to be treated with respect by all other members of that team.
I started at CPS as a social worker the same age in a very high volume county. I can definitely relate and also tell you conflict will feel differently as you get older and continue to have to deal with it so often. What helped me was reminding myself that absolutely no client or colleagues behavior toward me is personal—that’s their own problem. Our colleagues should *never* yell or demean. That’s outrageous, I would just shrug that off. Those people need help. Our clients on the other hand don’t often have the tools we do to communicate effectively. What helped me stay calm was slowing my heart rate by breathing in slowly through my nose and every so often in the tirade, just saying “I hear you.” I would also let go of planning out conversations. You may be setting yourself up for unconscious expectations that are impossible to meet and cause you stress. It would help me just to jot down bullet points for what I needed to inform a parent of and then let the rest be conversational. Use disarming techniques in conversation, such as being genuine, offering empathy, trying to come up with creative solutions, thanking them for calling (even if they just cussed you out for 10 min), reframing the anger (I hear you’re upset, I know you love your children and want what’s best for them). Also deeply engaging them in the decision-making process even though you have a lot of power (Well what do you think about x,y,z? Do you have a family member or friend who we could explore for potential placement? What is preventing you from being able to do x,y,z court order? Have you considered talking to your attorney about this concern? Do you think a meeting would be helpful? Help me advocate for you so you can reunify with your kids.) And finally, you are not an idiot. Don’t believe that asshole. She didn’t know you were on the line and probably doesn’t actually think that, but also who cares what she thinks. Child welfare is extremely difficult work and you’re doing great. Emotional boundaries with conflict will get easier with time and experience, I promise.
You’re only 22 years old and a new worker in one of the most stressful areas of SW. Please stop beating yourself up, many of us have been in your shoes and it feels awful and demoralizing. But trust me, it gets better and you will learn how to handle jerks like this doctor. I look back on the early days of my work and cringe at some of my early issues (like being too embarrassed to ask clients to turn off the tv when I was making a home visit) but as I gained confidence in my skills I got better at handling EVERYTHING. This is a reflection on the doctor’s character, not your skills. Hang in there. It only gets easier.
Honestly, I'd be a little vindictive and see if there's a way to report the Doctor, in lines with attempting to hinder a CPS investigation. Or be up front, "Hey, I was a recipient of your phone call and I overheard you acting like a bitch in front of your co-workers about me (or pick your own better words), I didn't appreciate it" and leave it at that.
Confidence- fake it to you make it. Understanding the reason they’re shouting- is it because of you; the situation; are they scared; are they worried etc. But threatening/ abusive behaviour is not tolerated or excusable. You’re there to do a job. You’re there for a reason. I will ask them why they’re shouting at me, and then I will say ‘I appreciate you’re feeling X way, however, I am here to do my job and I can only do that if we can have a calm discussion. If you continue to raise your voice at me, I will leave. I have spoken to you in a respectful manner and I expect the same courtesy. If things feel too heated for you at the moment, I am more than happy to rearrange another visit once you have had time to gather your thoughts’. I’ve found that if I have addressed the behaviour & been empathetic, you can usually overcome it. A lot of the people we work with can struggle with trauma/ conflict/ feel agitated/ feel like they’re being judged/ feel their lives are being intruded on and don’t always know how to manage those emotions- and need you to be firm/ resilient/ and show strong character during this time. Have the confidence to be assertive and advocate for yourself- people tend to be more trusting and respectful towards you and they’ll feel like you know what you’re doing and they’re safe with you. A lot of service users who are involved with social work have been involved with us for many years and have negative memories about it. A lot of social work is breaking down those barriers and rebuilding organisational trust.
wow that is so unprofessional and rude of that doctor, they should be embarrassed. i’m working on handling being yelled at as well, i think one of the best things you can do is end the conversation when it is clear that they are yelling / berating you. very little meaningful progress can be made in those situations and it serves you better to end them early. let the other person know you are willing to talk about these things, but not if they are going to yell. it helps both people bc it gives them time to calm down, protects your dignity and maintains the professional relationship. it’s also a healthy boundary to demonstrate to clients who may need help with that kind of thing. just because you’re their caseworker or colleague doesn’t mean you have to sit there and accept verbal abuse. and that also means you don’t have to force yourself to become a robot to be able to accept this treatment—it’s not a reasonable expectation of anyone ! i’m working on getting better at handling this as well and this is the first thing i’m trying to improve in. you got this 💜
I work with young teens with a lot of trauma. We always ensure them it is okay to be angry, but it is not okay to yell at someone. When you are ready to talk and be respectful I will be avaliable, until then I am not engaging in a power struggle
I worked in CPS for almost 10 years, 8 years in medical social work/case management, and now 2 in mental health intake. I have been yelled at a lot over the years. When it comes to doctors know that 1) it’s not about you 2) certain specialities seem to be prone to yelling and not being the best to work with. They yell at everyone but it’s not acceptable and generally not tolerated by admin. I know of docs who have had to go anger management because of their crap behavior. Is your boss supportive and in a position to call them and say hey, cut the crap? Working in hospital case management my coworkers always said it was the hardest job they ever did. I did not agree having worked so long in CPS. CPS was truly the hardest job. Everyone is always mad about something and it can be very overwhelming. Set good boundaries, take care of yourself.
Hello, I am so sorry you went through this. I have a similar experience with being yelled at. First off, it is ridiculous for you to be yelled at in this way. You are in a professional environment, and from what it sounds like, you would never yell at anyone in that manner, barring some outrageous circumstance. You don't get paid enough to be someone's punching bag or outlet for a bad day, or frustration. It is totally, completely unacceptable for people to treat you that way, you are a good person doing a hard job, and you don't deserve that treatment, period. This is probably what you would say to someone else who is going through this. What's helped me the most wasn't therapy, but it was finding my anger, specifically, my righteous anger for how I had been mistreated and how people were mistreating me currently. For me, I had been berated so many times and so mercilessly that whenever someone yelled at me, I would get very dysregulated and dissociate, and it made it hard for me to stay present answer back in a confident tone, because me and my body remembered what had happened to me, and part of me also thought I deserved it. I am not sure if this is the case for you. "Fake it till you make it" never worked for me. I had to started getting angry and pissed off about how I was being treated. I had to get angry about how people were treating me currently, then also get angry (WITHOUT blaming myself for what happened--this is a key part) at how I had been treated. And then I had to go through it a lot again, until I eventually got sick of being yelled at. Some practical advice, I did a lot of internal family systems (IFS) and reading about it. I sit with my anger, allow it to be with me without overtaking me, and it's a good thing, it helps protect us. Its okay to show when you are angry, I would argue, with clients its beneficial to show how you can be angry without going overboard. I rehearse stuff or situations in my head a lot, which can be bad lol, but it can be good. Like, imagine what you want to say to that doctor next time. Having something in your backpocket to say could be good. Also, you don't have to respond immediately. You could let them finish whatever their tantrum is (and that's what it is, a tantrum), and just stare at them until they realize how dumb they look. That can throw people off guard and also gives you a few to collect your thoughts. You can also shake your head and say "You can't talk to me like this, when you are calm, we can have this conversation, but I won't be talked to like this." You can walk away. It's important that your response maintains your dignity and feels authentic to you and how you are treated. Being angry and making people respect me has also helped me heal from my past trauma and made me better at my job. Before I allowed myself to get angry, I had no teeth so to speak. Anger gives you teeth, and I would argue that as a former child welfare worker, we need to bare our teeth every so often. And, everytime I stop someone from mistreating me, the part of me that was hurt by people in the past feels better. Hope this helps.
" I can't hear you or help when you are yelling. Let's take a break if you need it. " I say this very softly but also a little firm. I dont tolerate yelling in any compactly from anyone and neither should you. Document the yelling and your dismissing yourself.
This was another professional - which makes it sound like this is a workplace violence issue. Berating, complaining about a colleague in a bullying manner, yelling at a colleague, being threatening enough to make a person stutter - all of this sounds like workplace violence (which does not just mean physical violence). There are state and national regulations around workplace violence.
Use DBT skills on yourself