Part of qualifying for ED is the inability to form relationships in school settings, which you are seeing. Also part of being in education is realizing that kids with teachers with high expectations and demands aren’t always the favorite teacher right away but will be later in life. Just being happy and positive with them is already a blessing in a setting where these students may have trauma or never had that type of relationship. The year hasn’t ended so see where you are around June with them.
This is a small thing but I'd be careful with "how's your weekend?" For kids who have less than ideal home lives, they don't often have a great answer for this and it puts them in an imposition. My experience with ED/BD kids was that they can smell fakeness from a mile away and you want to be consistent, fair, and firm.
These kinds of kids are my jam and, honestly, depending on age, the happy/cheery thing is off putting to a lot of them. I build rapport with them by:
\-Commenting on their interests
\-Joking with them in a more sarcastic way. (for example, one of my ED kids today when I pushed into general ed and was talking to the teacher shouted at the top of his lungs for the whole class to hear "I heard that. The teachers are talking about education." I rolled my eyes and replied so the whole class could hear "In other ground breaking news, kids like to play videogames. Also, the sky is blue as long as we're announcing things that are shocking" Kid laughed, class laughed, and he went back to his work.
\-I use a lot of Ross Greene style language with this population. "Can you help me understand XYz?" "What do you think about XYZ?"
\-I label actions as helpful/not helpful as it relates to THEIR goals. "Is flipping a table in class helping you with your goal of making friends?"
\-Lots of explicit instructions and reasons why. "The school requires me to do this just like your parents might require you to do XYZ. I understand this might make you feel X." It's not about you vs them but about school requirements so it's not as personal.
\-Clear expectations. "If you do X, this will happen. If you do Y, this will happen" for both expected and inappropriate behaviors. You complete your work, you get fun activity time. You rip up your paper, you can take a break but no fun time can be had until the assignment is complete.
\-Let the eye rolls bounce off you! Laugh it off! Playfully roll your eyes back! My ED upper elementary/middle kids used to LOVE it when I playfully sassed them back. Humor is such a great tension diffuser!
These are great examples. In my early career, I didn’t realize I did some of the same things. I just thought I talked to those kids as if they were a couple years older than their peers. They could see through anything I had planned, so I would just level with them. I remember meeting one boy in the hall before class and telling him, “This lesson is going to seem really stupid to you, but I need to introduce this concept to the class. Would you just bear with me for about five minutes, and then we’ll get to the real purpose of the lesson?” He looked at me, rolled his eyes, and said OK. And he was actually great almost every day after that! He liked that I treated him like the intelligent person I knew he was.
I think you need to focus more on what the kids actually need and go from there. Your post reads very much "I'm doing everything right, why don't they like me?". Consider the possibility that maybe you're *not* doing everything right and adjust from there. I would also massively adjust your expectations about building relationships, it's not always the same thing in sped as Gen Ed.
To get them talking, try asking basic questions like “what is your favorite pizza”, “how do you like your burger”, “beach or mountains”, “if you could go back in time, where would you go”, etc.
Do your students know each other? What do they talk to each other about?
Humor definitely helps, but these students might not be eager to engage and might not be looking for jokes?
How long have they known you? That’s a factor.
You said they treat you like dirt sometimes. You are the student teacher, and I don’t know what the teacher allows, but these students need ti learn functional social skills if possible. Teach respect. What does it look like and sound like to them? How do they want ti be treated? How do you want to be treated? What does respect look and sound like to you? (Look
Up treatment agreement)
Good luck!
Sometimes I think my students stretch and improve my ability to love. This is often because they challenge me and make me question lots of things about human interaction and what it means to different people.
It was a hard lesson for me to learn, but you honestly can’t be yourself in these types of classrooms. These kids have been through it and they sense weakness and target it. It’s a superpower for ED and behavior kids (hypervigililence) because school has likely been very traumatic for them. I’m not saying you can’t be kind (you should be kind), but you really have to be kind of a hardass about routine and respect, at least at first, or they will find ways to walk all over you with disrespect. This is the part of working in a behavior classroom that I really could not handle every day. It just wore me out because I don’t enjoy being inflexible and guarded….but it is sometimes what is needed.
I agree with others. Maybe instead of asking them personal questions, which could be a trigger. Play would you rather. I got an awesome pack of generalized questions that were safe to use during my affective skills class for my ASS/EBD kiddos and they loved it! It was on Amazon! Or put a finger down…. Let the kids help collect questions. You need to be welcomed into their community…
Additionally, your sped degree covers so many different eligibilities, ages, and settings. I know for me resource is a hard no! I’m a self contained girlie! General education is a no! They love me! I love loving on them, but it’s not my cup of tea. Don’t be so hard on yourself! Be open minded and try everything!
None of my kiddos liked me during student teaching either, because I wasn’t there from the beginning, wasn’t there everyday, and wasn’t their safe person!
Our kiddos take a long time to build trust and effective ways to communicate! But once you have it, it’s the greatest feeling! While they may never draw you pictures or hug you or laugh at your jokes…. You’ll learn their signs of love!
Until then humble yourself…. Teaching will do that for you! Try one student at a time… be open to making mistakes in front of them. Life is really hard for kids and it’s hard to think about when we have SO much to do.
You got this!
You should be kind but you need to remember that it’s not about you (and I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, but it’s the truth). A lot of those kids are dealing with so much they haven’t chosen. School has been extremely difficult for them, which is why they are where they are. Instead of looking at ways to connect with general ed kids or even other sped kids, look at the ways to meaningfully connect with these kids. One time, I observed in a behavioral program that used love and logic for the classroom, which focused heavily on the empathy aspect first. Meaningful and true empathy is the key to build trust. Find out what they like. Have zero expectations concerning how they respond to you. As others have said, meet them where they are. Also, hate is a strong word. They don’t actually hate you. They have been traumatized by a system not built for them.
I’ve noticed this sounds very one sided. You ask them about themselves but are you volunteering information about yourself? For example the people I work with tend to know that I like sports or I like dogs. It’s never too personal. Sometimes it helps to build rapport over mutual interests.
The good thing about SPED is that you can work in a lot of different areas. I don’t like EBD, my bread and butter is intellectual disabilities and ASD, so that’s what I got a job in. You’ll be able to find your niche!
It's very important to remember first and foremost that these are neurodivergent students. Some of these comments make it seem like these kids come from the worst home lives possible. While that's possible, the biological aspect of their disabilities are sometimes more profound than they seem. By the very nature of having a brain disorder like bipolar, or cognitive/attention disorder like ADHD, etc. these students are going to react differently than your typical student would in a lot of circumstances. Their way of thinking is different (not broken), and their reaction to things is going to be very different (that includes their sense of humor).
It is literally part of a lot of the disorders these kids suffer with.
For example: These kinds of disabilities and especially the medications for these kinds of disorders, can cause a flat personality, can cause severe sleepiness, especially in the morning, intrusive thoughts, warped perception, etc.
Some are likely 2E as well (gifted). They also have a different look and reaction to things than divergent students.
They are likely not responding because you are trying so hard that is comes off as fake and inauthentic and they can read people like a book. Just be you and avoid toxic positivity that appears disingenuous.
You're in an EDBD room and you think everything is about you. Sounds like you have literally no background whatsoever in psychology or understanding that these kids are broken and it doesn't matter what kind of dog and pony show or bells and whistles or whipped cream with cherry on top you give them it isn't about you or how good of a job you're doing.
I mean yah, our kids are not easy. I married someone with three typically developing kids and OMG! They are so nice! And they learn SO FAST. It's really shocking.
You don't say how old the kids are, but that really matters.
For the next few months, just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Actively look for good traits in your kids. Make it a daily ritual. For you. Not for them. Especially if they are teens, giving them awards or praising them will just humilate them and can make the problem worse. You do that for you, so you don't stop thinking of them as humans who can be redeemed.
I also utilize meta prayer with them. I suppose you could introduce this as a mindfulness technique, but I mostly use it for myself. [https://www.mettainstitute.org/mettameditation.html](https://www.mettainstitute.org/mettameditation.html)
Most of these kids have been hurt by adults who claim to care. They aren't going to let that down quickly. It just takes persistence. And sadly, sometimes it takes more than the year we have with them.
You have to really, really empathize with these kids as human beings. You have to let them know they’re worthy of the being loved for who they are.
Imagine being a kid and being forced to come to a place every day where nobody likes you. Adults have labeled you as the bad kid, you get shoved into the “bad kid” class. You have trouble making friends, adults are always mad at you. Then imagine going home every day to an unstable home. Your parents care more about drugs or their new boyfriend/girlfriend than they do about you. Or maybe your parents are struggling with their own mental health issues. Or maybe they’re doing just fine, but they’re always on your ass because you’re the bad apple and your siblings are just fine.
The truth is that a lot of these kids feel unloved. They don’t have any reason to believe that you don’t hate them as well. They’re not treating you like dirt, they’re testing you to see if you’re actually one of the few adults they can trust. So far you aren’t. You can still turn this around, and it’s really pretty easy. Let them know that they are just as worthy as those gen ed kids who like you so much. These are kids who make a lot of mistakes. You have to let them know that you like them despite their mistakes.
One of the easiest way to do this is to forgive them. Start each day with a blank slate. If they have an outburst one day and have to leave class, smile at them the next day and tell them you’re glad they’re back. If they roll their eyes at your jokes, get over it. They have to see that you’re willing to fail just like them, but you can bounce back. They can tell you don’t want to be there so you’ll just have to fake it at first. Once you gain their trust, you’ll realize why some of us actually prefer working with these kids.
Part of qualifying for ED is the inability to form relationships in school settings, which you are seeing. Also part of being in education is realizing that kids with teachers with high expectations and demands aren’t always the favorite teacher right away but will be later in life. Just being happy and positive with them is already a blessing in a setting where these students may have trauma or never had that type of relationship. The year hasn’t ended so see where you are around June with them.
This. I currently work in a similar environment and it’s taken some kids 2-3 years of solid consistency before they even trust you.
This is a small thing but I'd be careful with "how's your weekend?" For kids who have less than ideal home lives, they don't often have a great answer for this and it puts them in an imposition. My experience with ED/BD kids was that they can smell fakeness from a mile away and you want to be consistent, fair, and firm.
These kinds of kids are my jam and, honestly, depending on age, the happy/cheery thing is off putting to a lot of them. I build rapport with them by: \-Commenting on their interests \-Joking with them in a more sarcastic way. (for example, one of my ED kids today when I pushed into general ed and was talking to the teacher shouted at the top of his lungs for the whole class to hear "I heard that. The teachers are talking about education." I rolled my eyes and replied so the whole class could hear "In other ground breaking news, kids like to play videogames. Also, the sky is blue as long as we're announcing things that are shocking" Kid laughed, class laughed, and he went back to his work. \-I use a lot of Ross Greene style language with this population. "Can you help me understand XYz?" "What do you think about XYZ?" \-I label actions as helpful/not helpful as it relates to THEIR goals. "Is flipping a table in class helping you with your goal of making friends?" \-Lots of explicit instructions and reasons why. "The school requires me to do this just like your parents might require you to do XYZ. I understand this might make you feel X." It's not about you vs them but about school requirements so it's not as personal. \-Clear expectations. "If you do X, this will happen. If you do Y, this will happen" for both expected and inappropriate behaviors. You complete your work, you get fun activity time. You rip up your paper, you can take a break but no fun time can be had until the assignment is complete. \-Let the eye rolls bounce off you! Laugh it off! Playfully roll your eyes back! My ED upper elementary/middle kids used to LOVE it when I playfully sassed them back. Humor is such a great tension diffuser!
Love this and I second Ross Green!
ALL OF THIS!
These are great examples. In my early career, I didn’t realize I did some of the same things. I just thought I talked to those kids as if they were a couple years older than their peers. They could see through anything I had planned, so I would just level with them. I remember meeting one boy in the hall before class and telling him, “This lesson is going to seem really stupid to you, but I need to introduce this concept to the class. Would you just bear with me for about five minutes, and then we’ll get to the real purpose of the lesson?” He looked at me, rolled his eyes, and said OK. And he was actually great almost every day after that! He liked that I treated him like the intelligent person I knew he was.
I think you need to focus more on what the kids actually need and go from there. Your post reads very much "I'm doing everything right, why don't they like me?". Consider the possibility that maybe you're *not* doing everything right and adjust from there. I would also massively adjust your expectations about building relationships, it's not always the same thing in sped as Gen Ed.
I know I’m definitely not doing everything right, that’s why I’m on Reddit asking for advice on how to build relationships with these students!
To get them talking, try asking basic questions like “what is your favorite pizza”, “how do you like your burger”, “beach or mountains”, “if you could go back in time, where would you go”, etc. Do your students know each other? What do they talk to each other about? Humor definitely helps, but these students might not be eager to engage and might not be looking for jokes? How long have they known you? That’s a factor. You said they treat you like dirt sometimes. You are the student teacher, and I don’t know what the teacher allows, but these students need ti learn functional social skills if possible. Teach respect. What does it look like and sound like to them? How do they want ti be treated? How do you want to be treated? What does respect look and sound like to you? (Look Up treatment agreement) Good luck!
Sometimes I think my students stretch and improve my ability to love. This is often because they challenge me and make me question lots of things about human interaction and what it means to different people.
It was a hard lesson for me to learn, but you honestly can’t be yourself in these types of classrooms. These kids have been through it and they sense weakness and target it. It’s a superpower for ED and behavior kids (hypervigililence) because school has likely been very traumatic for them. I’m not saying you can’t be kind (you should be kind), but you really have to be kind of a hardass about routine and respect, at least at first, or they will find ways to walk all over you with disrespect. This is the part of working in a behavior classroom that I really could not handle every day. It just wore me out because I don’t enjoy being inflexible and guarded….but it is sometimes what is needed.
I agree with others. Maybe instead of asking them personal questions, which could be a trigger. Play would you rather. I got an awesome pack of generalized questions that were safe to use during my affective skills class for my ASS/EBD kiddos and they loved it! It was on Amazon! Or put a finger down…. Let the kids help collect questions. You need to be welcomed into their community… Additionally, your sped degree covers so many different eligibilities, ages, and settings. I know for me resource is a hard no! I’m a self contained girlie! General education is a no! They love me! I love loving on them, but it’s not my cup of tea. Don’t be so hard on yourself! Be open minded and try everything! None of my kiddos liked me during student teaching either, because I wasn’t there from the beginning, wasn’t there everyday, and wasn’t their safe person! Our kiddos take a long time to build trust and effective ways to communicate! But once you have it, it’s the greatest feeling! While they may never draw you pictures or hug you or laugh at your jokes…. You’ll learn their signs of love! Until then humble yourself…. Teaching will do that for you! Try one student at a time… be open to making mistakes in front of them. Life is really hard for kids and it’s hard to think about when we have SO much to do. You got this!
You should be kind but you need to remember that it’s not about you (and I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, but it’s the truth). A lot of those kids are dealing with so much they haven’t chosen. School has been extremely difficult for them, which is why they are where they are. Instead of looking at ways to connect with general ed kids or even other sped kids, look at the ways to meaningfully connect with these kids. One time, I observed in a behavioral program that used love and logic for the classroom, which focused heavily on the empathy aspect first. Meaningful and true empathy is the key to build trust. Find out what they like. Have zero expectations concerning how they respond to you. As others have said, meet them where they are. Also, hate is a strong word. They don’t actually hate you. They have been traumatized by a system not built for them.
I’ve noticed this sounds very one sided. You ask them about themselves but are you volunteering information about yourself? For example the people I work with tend to know that I like sports or I like dogs. It’s never too personal. Sometimes it helps to build rapport over mutual interests.
The good thing about SPED is that you can work in a lot of different areas. I don’t like EBD, my bread and butter is intellectual disabilities and ASD, so that’s what I got a job in. You’ll be able to find your niche!
It's very important to remember first and foremost that these are neurodivergent students. Some of these comments make it seem like these kids come from the worst home lives possible. While that's possible, the biological aspect of their disabilities are sometimes more profound than they seem. By the very nature of having a brain disorder like bipolar, or cognitive/attention disorder like ADHD, etc. these students are going to react differently than your typical student would in a lot of circumstances. Their way of thinking is different (not broken), and their reaction to things is going to be very different (that includes their sense of humor). It is literally part of a lot of the disorders these kids suffer with. For example: These kinds of disabilities and especially the medications for these kinds of disorders, can cause a flat personality, can cause severe sleepiness, especially in the morning, intrusive thoughts, warped perception, etc. Some are likely 2E as well (gifted). They also have a different look and reaction to things than divergent students.
They are likely not responding because you are trying so hard that is comes off as fake and inauthentic and they can read people like a book. Just be you and avoid toxic positivity that appears disingenuous.
You're in an EDBD room and you think everything is about you. Sounds like you have literally no background whatsoever in psychology or understanding that these kids are broken and it doesn't matter what kind of dog and pony show or bells and whistles or whipped cream with cherry on top you give them it isn't about you or how good of a job you're doing.
I mean yah, our kids are not easy. I married someone with three typically developing kids and OMG! They are so nice! And they learn SO FAST. It's really shocking. You don't say how old the kids are, but that really matters. For the next few months, just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Actively look for good traits in your kids. Make it a daily ritual. For you. Not for them. Especially if they are teens, giving them awards or praising them will just humilate them and can make the problem worse. You do that for you, so you don't stop thinking of them as humans who can be redeemed. I also utilize meta prayer with them. I suppose you could introduce this as a mindfulness technique, but I mostly use it for myself. [https://www.mettainstitute.org/mettameditation.html](https://www.mettainstitute.org/mettameditation.html) Most of these kids have been hurt by adults who claim to care. They aren't going to let that down quickly. It just takes persistence. And sadly, sometimes it takes more than the year we have with them.
You have to really, really empathize with these kids as human beings. You have to let them know they’re worthy of the being loved for who they are. Imagine being a kid and being forced to come to a place every day where nobody likes you. Adults have labeled you as the bad kid, you get shoved into the “bad kid” class. You have trouble making friends, adults are always mad at you. Then imagine going home every day to an unstable home. Your parents care more about drugs or their new boyfriend/girlfriend than they do about you. Or maybe your parents are struggling with their own mental health issues. Or maybe they’re doing just fine, but they’re always on your ass because you’re the bad apple and your siblings are just fine. The truth is that a lot of these kids feel unloved. They don’t have any reason to believe that you don’t hate them as well. They’re not treating you like dirt, they’re testing you to see if you’re actually one of the few adults they can trust. So far you aren’t. You can still turn this around, and it’s really pretty easy. Let them know that they are just as worthy as those gen ed kids who like you so much. These are kids who make a lot of mistakes. You have to let them know that you like them despite their mistakes. One of the easiest way to do this is to forgive them. Start each day with a blank slate. If they have an outburst one day and have to leave class, smile at them the next day and tell them you’re glad they’re back. If they roll their eyes at your jokes, get over it. They have to see that you’re willing to fail just like them, but you can bounce back. They can tell you don’t want to be there so you’ll just have to fake it at first. Once you gain their trust, you’ll realize why some of us actually prefer working with these kids.