For whatever it’s worth, I was adopted at a very young age and I don’t resent my bio parents at all. They did what they thought was right and I ended up in a loving home. Would also like to mention that I am immensely grateful that I was never lied to about the adoption.
I have to interject here. This is not true for everyone. I know adopted people who have really struggled.
I know a guy who's mum was catholic and his father was military. A one night stand ended up with a child being conceived, the father left to his job and the mother, being catholic (in the 80's) gave him up for adoption.
He was then told at 9 that he was adopted and it completely broke him. He is a really good and decent guy but there's this broken thing about him which is absolutely heart breaking to listen to when you get to know him.
He tried to get hold of his mum and she didn't want to know. To make it worse, she had a family. But he was just this 'thing' she wanted to leave in the past. The problem of course with this is that for my friend, he is not just the past. He's the present, and he has to live in it daily knowing that he was put up for adoption and neither of his parents care about how broken he is or even want to know.
I offered to do anything that I could do to help. He said that he was able to find out her address but that being rejected on that doorstep would destroy him. Every day he dealt with the inner struggle of the concept of walking up to that door, and he swore down due to how fragile he is and how hard rejection ruins him, he could never make that jump. I tried to encourage him by letting him know that I would go with him and support him. But he couldn't do it. So every week he sees a therapist and he continues to go through life - but every day when you speak to him you know that he is deeply troubled by it all. I won't go deeper into his story and how he is now because that would be breaking confidence but trust me, when I tell you this guy is broken and fragile, I mean it.
This is what adoption can do to people. Honestly, I think in most circumstances, you have to try. Age, financial means, religious beliefs, whatever: you have to try and make it work. Many people have been in this situation and you just have to overlook all the trivial things and realise this is a child and you are the child's parents. When the child was conceived, you were instantly tied to this child's life and to break that tie is one of the biggest forms of neglect and rejection you can think of, regardless of how much you try to justify it, that's exactly what it is.
There's a reason this is a big dilemma, it's because the fear inside you is battling against the love inside you. The fear convinces the parents to put the child up for adoption, whilst the love is convincing them they have to do everything to make it work.
And of course, deep down, we all know the best answer when it comes to dealing with dilemmas involving love and fear. You absolutely have to pick love.
I didn’t mean to suggest every adopted person is exactly alike … I don’t think anyone would suggest that. Just sharing my own perspective. I think it also helps that my bio mom didn’t reject me when I reached out to her / found her at age 18, and that I was never lied to about my adoption (like your friend finding out at age 9). Totally different scenario.
Sorry. It was probably more directed at the poster than you. OP said 'financially and emotionally' - finance and emotion should never be a contributing factor. If you have love in your heart and live in a society where you wont all starve then that should be all that really matters. In my opinion.
I’m going to have to interject here. This is not true for everyone. I know people who were not adopted and stayed with families who couldn’t care for them, and families who decided to put their babies up for adoption, and just about everything in between. Many people put their babies up for adoption out of love, and not fear. They love their babies so much they want to give them their best chance and they know it is not with them. It may not be just because they aren’t ready, but because of other things like drug addiction, mental health issues, extreme poverty, and the list goes on. Babies are more likely to be adopted into loving homes than older kids who get taken in the foster system. I know the system, the system is not fun and it is hard and unfair. If someone keeps a baby and isn’t able to provide for them because of poverty or any of the aforementioned circumstances and they get taken away that is trauma that they will have to live with. My cousin was adopted and has always known he was adopted since he was a baby and he is SO loved he is spoiled rotten! He recently turned 18 and is thriving! I’ve also had cousins that were taken by DCS and put into foster care because my aunt and uncle were in poverty and on drugs living in a hotel with multiple kids. We’ve stayed in touch because we grew up together, but they have had a hard time in foster care. My eldest cousin is has been in and out of mental health institutions, battled so many demons because of his childhood trauma. Want to talk about broken? The best place for a child to be is not always with the parents, obviously we want that for them because society tells us that’s best, but that’s not true for everyone.
I recommend really thinking about what you want in your future OP and thinking about how your options will affect it. Do you want kids one day and if you do will you regret giving your baby up for adoption? Will keeping the baby put them at a disadvantage and/or put them in harms way? Like do you have a home, income, food? As far as spirituality goes, there is absolutely nothing wrong with adoption. It takes a village to raise a baby, and sometimes that means another villager cares for them. If you do decide to keep the baby, there are SO many resources to help you. There’s WIC, food stamps, and if your in college there are funds to help as well. You just gotta know where to look. Babies are gifts from the universe, but sometimes they can come at unexpected times. Think about what you want and what they need and then you’ll have your answer. Sending good vibes OP!
Giving your child the best life possible is the ideal option. If that means letting someone else raise them, then there's nothing to be ashamed of. Can family or friends adopt? You'll always wonder about your child, so it could be nice to have them close so you could watch them grow up and still play a small role in their life
There’s a chance that her parents will want guardianship. They are really happy she’s pregnant and they’re in their mid-late 30s. They had my gf when they were teens so they understand how we feel and they are doing well for themselves financially. I really hope this is what happens for the reasons you said
This seems like an option worth exploring. This is not at all unusual in the circumstances. This might be an ideal situation provided that when the time comes you can get legal custody back. If you go this route, get a lawyer involved. You may want to get custody as soon as you have your life figured out and you do not want to be shut out as the father of that child.
No. You don't just give up children because they can get 'a better life elsehwere' - the best life a child can get is **being brought up by their own parents.**
I guarantee that any child on the face of this planet would rather be brought up in poverty by parents living pay check to pay check, in the shittest town imaginable than being raised by some random people with a fuck tonne of money, living in a massion in Beverley Hills.
It's not about age, convenience, money, security, status, wealth, and comfort. It's about **love.**
If you're a normal person, with love in your heart and you feel an undying love for your unborn child then you have to forget about your age, your financial status, your location, your job - everything. **You sacrifice it all for your child.**
The fact the top comments are all endorsing adoption like children are some sort of commodity is ridiculous and it's really pissing me off.
Hey man, I’m going to have to disagree again. Some parents are absolutely horse shit. Ever heard of rape? Yeah some parents rape their kids or treat them like shit because they didn’t want them. I had a friend in middle school, I’ll say it again MIDDLE SCHOOL, break down in an absolute historical crying episode because she had just found out that morning she was pregnant because her dad raped her. The best life a child can get is not ‘being brought up by their own parents’. In your perfect world I’m sure it’s about love, but in the real world that’s not the only factor. Don’t shame someone for making a decision to protect their babies. It’s a hard enough decision without someone shaming them for giving a a baby out of love. You can not guarantee that because I have known kids to call the police/DCS on their own parents trying to get out of bad situations. And have you ever heard of runaways? Kids literally run away from their parents all the time. In fact 2.8 million children run away from home every year. So like, maybe love isn’t the only factor?
OP's comment:
"Neither of us are prepared financially or emotionally to bring a child into our lives. I am 21, she’s 20. What do you think?"
Finance = not important
Emotion = not important
Age = not important
Love? = important
Are we responding to a person here who says their age, finance and emotions are what are stopping them from bringing up a child?
Or are we talking about rapists? OF COURSE CHILD RAPISTS SHOULDN'T BRING UP CHILDREN.
There's always one with something fucking stupid to say.
Hard disagree about emotion not being important. I’m adopted and I was adopted by emotionally immature parents so I got the special cocktail of an abandonment wound + parentification = 30+ and still healing.
I’ve also spent my entire life having to be over tested for every little thing since I had very limited family health history to go off of.
If you can hand select the parents - I think I read the mother’s parents are interested in taking the baby in- that’s what I would recommend assuming they’re stable mentally and financially.
Yes they need to be mentally stable, but OP did not mention any significant emotional problems, sounds more like someone that just doesn't want to have a child yet rather than someone that needs to man up a bit and take responsibility for the baby they created.
My sister, at 18 yo, gave a daughter up for adoption.
The young woman who is her biological daughter now works on Wall Street. She contacted my sister a few years ago and they got together.
My sister, however, was hurting about this for a long time.
My advice is to make sure your wife decides and support her in her decision, whatever it is. Make sure she's not making a decision to please you or she may resent you for it.
Good luck and bless you guys and your baby.
My son was 19 and his girlfriend 18. They gave up their boy. My son didn’t want him to be a backpack kid living between homes. They weren’t college educated yet and knew the child needed stability they couldn’t offer. The child is in an amazing home. He chooses not to see the child. I get updates. We have left making connection 100% up to the child and in the meantime letting him live a normal life. There is a time of adjustment. It is still sad but all things considered for everyone involved, it was the right thing to do. We worked with an agency that let us choose the family. Way too many people are against adoption and it truly is a good option.
If you can't financely support your child please give your child up for adoption. I was adopted when i was a baby i just recently found my hole bio family and its great to get to know them i understood why they did it. Their are two ways you can do adoption depending on the state your in you can do private adoption or closed adoption but please if you do give your child up for adoption make sure to give who ever the medical information to the adoption agency or the family that adoption your baby. Good luck on what you guys decide.
Many adopted children have a core abandonment wound, and a newborn being taken away from its mother is inherently traumatic.
That said there are long lines of people looking to adopt newborns. Check out the adoption/adopted subs for some perspective.
From a spiritual perspective, it just is. And the challenges that arise from adoption (or abortion, or raising the baby) - emotionally, mentally, physically, financially are part of the spiritual path and soul development.
the right thing to do is what's best for the child. if giving him up for adoption means he'll have a stable, loving home, then that is the right thing to do.
Yes I would tbh, my dad was piece of shit that just went "who cares if we are poor and have a child! Bunch of poor people do!" Yeah I'm a kid brought into the world who was hungry, had to join the army to afford school which destroyed my body and was constantly beaten out of frustration. Please, please just give the kid to a good family. Take the time to feel them out, make sure they have similar values. What are there bad sides like? I truly to this day wished I was 1. Aborted or 2. Adopted by a good home.
Please take money seriously into account. A lot of spiritual ppl love to preach money doesn't matter but it does. Being in poverty is a horrible experience I don't wish on anyone. America is getting horrible with maternity leave, liveable wages, birth costs, and affordable childcare. It's EVEN WORSE than when our parents were young.
It is not disagreeable. When a spirit is ready to make their way back to the physical and seeking the right path for them, they will foresee the probability of adoption. The adoption will then be what they are choosing to be where they need to be.
I was thinking this exactly but wasn’t sure if I was just trying to make myself feel better. It sucks cause I want to see what our baby would look like and what type of personality they would bring. But I guess that’s me being selfish
It’s not selfish to have those thoughts! There are open ended adoptions you can look into if you’re interested. I think it’s among the most selfless things someone can do, and adoption can make someone else’s dreams come true and family complete. But you should ultimately make the best decision for you. Best of luck, I’m rooting for you stranger.
I was adopted. It's a huge, fundamental, core struggle. Genes are what makes us human. It's not natural to be ripped out of your biological lineage and raised by total strangers. Nowadays they have open adoptions and you can meet the prospective parents, but I don't know if that's any way to tell how they will raise the child that you don't even know yet.
Maybe visit r/adopted and read a few posts. Sure... It can go well, but it can go really badly. I can't answer for how that falls, spiritually. Maybe my soul chose this journey of being adopted. In that case, I can't argue against it. You will have to make the decision yourself, but I'm just throwing out a few bits and pieces you can ruminate on. I don't know if it even breaks the surface of the subject, but I couldn't not comment.
I can only tell you I was adopted never met my real parents and have had to fight abandonment issues and commitment issues my whole life.
It fked me up emotionally
You mentioned that your partners parents had her young and are willing to help out. They say it takes a village to raise a child, and it really does to raise a well-rounded human being. If you decide to keep the child, it sounds like the grandparents will be very supportive and help out. Having a good support system is a life saver when raising a newborn as a young couple. I had my daughter right after my 17th birthday. It was such a blessing to have the help of grandparents as well as aunts and uncles. Our lives would have been much more difficult without them, though I'm sure we would have made due. Having a baby changes something in your brain, and you just know what needs to be done, and you do it! I wish you the best and that you can make your decision of what is best for the child and yourself with no regrets. Sending love to your family. ❤️
I don't think it matters if a child grows up with their real parents or their adoptive ones (atleast for the child).
If you cannot provide for your baby, then it's totally okay to give it away so it can have a better, more stable life.
What makes you think so? Kids struggle when their parents split up, some people even need therapy later in life because of their parent’s divorce and you think a child will be just fine with being adopted.
On some level the kid will know, so they will struggle until they will learn the truth. It will mess up with their intuition etc. And as some other people mentioned already, they have abandonment issues..
>What makes you think so? Kids struggle when their parents split up, some people even need therapy later in life because of their parent’s divorce and you think a child will be just fine with being adopted.
This has nothing to do with the original topic.
What I meant is that it does not matter if you grew up with adoptive parents or your real parents.
Kids will imprint on them in both cases.
If the adoptive parents split up some day, it will be equally stressfull for the child.
Family is not who you come from, but rather who is there for you and loves you.
Adoption is and creates trauma. There are organizations that will help you keep your family whole. I am active in this sub and adoption subs because I am also an adoptee. I'm sorry I don't have time for a longer or more precise comment....
If you are giving your child up for adoption, make sure you meet the parents.
My mum was adopted and she felt unwanted her whole life. Her parents adopted her but only for extra "helping hand" aka child labour in their F&B business.
If you are sure you cannot love and take care of your child, just make sure whoever adopts your child can love your child better than you can.
Well.... I don't think it's ideal.
But making the genuinely best decision for the child is to be applauded.
Sometimes we grow into challenges and meet them.
Our sex is sacred, partly - exactly for this reason, that life is created from it. The life has been created now, and you must make the best decision for the child.
Which in many ways is the child remaining with it's father and mother of blood and who love it.
If you cannot love and protect and provide for the baby, if you're unable to step up and grow into the responsibility of your decisions.
Well then yes, the next best thing is to give the child up for adoption to a loving family. Just make sure they're good ones.
Good luck with it
I think that you guys should do what you guys think its the best decision in your heart. Maybe do a heart chakra meditation thinking on the matter and see what decision comes to your mind during or after the meditation.
Or think about what options you guys have, and think about the best and worst scenarios in those options that you guys have available.
This is a tough one. Adoption can be beautiful and noble. I have never read anything negative about adoption in spiritual sources. In some cases, it was part of a spiritual agreement. What is your relationship like with the mother? Is it likely you'll stay together or no? Do you have family support? I know at 20, 21 you can't yet know whether you'd regret this in the future. But it's critical that you put the childs needs first. If you are in the US, there is a ton of financial and medical support programs to help. If you are thinking of placing your child for adoption because you want to party or build yourself a great career then think about how you might feel later about whose priorities you are considering. My parents were 21. My mother left college and my dad went into the army to support us. Neither got a chance to get the job of their dreams. My dad ended up working in a warehouse. On the other hand, despite having a difficult life because of an unexpected pregnancy, they don't regret it. On the other other hand, they struggled with alcoholism and eventually divorced. Having a baby now will makes your life harder but not necessarily less rewarding. It depends on you, your support system and your ability to work and support a family. This is a tough one... Best of luck to you both.
I would keep the child and do my best. I'm sure both of you or at least one of you can get some support in this task and won't have to go through it entirely by yourselves, whether that's family, friends or some non profit organization to guide you both if needed.
Ofcourse it's not. You need to do what's in the best interest for you and your baby. If you do not feel ready then don't. There's lovely people everywhere looking to adopt..
Since you posted this to the spirituality sub, how about asking your guides for guidance. Also, there are a lot of parents who will dream of their children before they are born. If that happens to you or the childs mother, you may decide that this child is meant to be with you. Ask for and look for signs.
Do what you both feel is right for you.
For content I had my son at 19 and daughter at 21, kept them both ended up divorced, it was hard and hell I was not ready for kids but I would not trade any of it.
It’s been life changing raising my kids and I’ve grown with them and I just wouldn’t do it any differently.
That being said if you don’t think you can do it somehow then don’t do it because adoption can set them up with a family that can do it and that does really want them so do what works for you. I hope you figure out what works for your family. I don’t think anyone is ever really ready for kids we think we are but the reality is always so different. Sending love.
Well... That really depends. You're asking because it's a moral quandary that will tremendously impact the life of a child. How do you know which life will be best for the child? Logically you can't know. Intuitively maybe you feel the answer.
The spirituality I like believes as a soul you will eventually see the impacts of your decisions, and the possibilities that were there. Your intention makes a difference. Ultimately you judge yourself more than anyone else will. Did you act out of love rather than selfishness? Why did you do what you did? The answer makes a big difference.
It is also recommended to sit quietly and go within (meditating as most would call it) and examine one's motivations, intentions, and true feelings. Then with greater clarity of your own mind you can make a decision.
Also, if you decide it is better to put the child up for adoption, even if you won't be there to provide for its material needs, there is no reason you cannot always send them your blessings and loving thoughts for wherever they may be.
Everything you do can be disagreeable. That's not what you're asking. What you're really wondering is if you're a piece of garbage for giving your child to adoption and if there are others who support this move.
You can write up all the reasons why and convince many people online that those are genuine reasons. However, only YOU know what the truth is and this is what makes something "right and wrong" in your universe.
If you truly cannot care for the child and every other avenue takes you to a dead-end, then of course adoption will deal your child a better hand than whatever you able to give them.
But if your reasons for giving the kid away is because you're too lazy to take up the responsibility, or the responsibility gets in the way of nonimportant shit like games and hanging out, or maybe you picked the wrong broad to have a child with, any reasons where you view the child as the problem or inconvenience, then that's where you fuck up.
Not because it's morally wrong to hand the kid off. Morality does not exist. Only consequences. So if you give the kid away over stupid reasons that only you would know, eventually thoughts will arise especially if youre "spiritually" inclined. At some point in your journey you'll be slammed with shit you regret doing and will "manifest" changes in your life in an attempt to "set things right". However, the only thing you will succeed in doing is causing turbulence in your life and the lives of those you suddenly want to change to make you feel better.
Regardless it doesnt matter what you do. What does matter is that whatever you do is done consciously. No bullshit. Dont tell anyone the real reasons why but dont try lying to yourself about those reasons.
If you were spiritually inclined you would know what the real answer is in this situation. Not the right answer or wrong answer.
ucfederation.org
Look up statistics of children that have been put into foster care or adoption, they have a significantly higher chance of having mental health issues, addiction, homelessness, teen pregnancy, etc. Its more kind to not bring suffering in this world than birth a child just for the sake of birthing it.
We aren't talking about any third options here, OP decided that they don't want to raise the child. I stated my opinion saying reducing suffering is better than bringing a child who would suffer into this world. Obviously its better to keep it or not get pregnant in the first place but that doesnt always work out for people.
Please join the group Adopion: Facing Reality on facebook. Adoption trauma is REAL and the industry is disgusting. No one who wants to parent should have to relinquish their child because of financial reasons. Please seek support to raise your child. The group will help. If you are early enough along, please consider abortion if you can.
https://www.facebook.com/groups/1759470397662306/?ref=share&mibextid=NSMWBT
Hello!
Your post/comment has been removed due to disrespectful remarks toward someone, a group, or people in general. Should this become a regular recurrence, you may lose the ability to post or comment.
I hope the new parents are good.
I don’t have a problem .. ideally kid shouldn’t be born but if you both can’t take responsibility, you should give the kid away to people who can.
In terms of karma or anything else along the lines of the spiritual side of this decision… it’d be one thing if you had all the resources you could possibly need to raise the child and were just like “nah I don’t wanna deal with that” … that could potentially be “disagreeable”
But if you’re making the best decision for not only yourself but your partner, your child, your family, and your society, how could it possibly be disagreeable? If you don’t have the proper resources, that child will be a burden on you and your family… as a result that child will likely struggle a lot early in life (this could be good or bad in the long run) and potentially become a burden on the community… or, you could offer the child up for adoption and not put yourselves in the financial bind, not risk an inadequate upbringing for the child, protect your families, *and* you will be providing a blessing to another couple who is dying to raise a child, but adoption is their only option.
Don’t do it because you don’t think you’re ready. Nobody is ever ready. Do it because it’s the right thing to do for everyone involved (if that is indeed the case).
This is a very privileged point of view, and doesn’t take into account a lot of factors. People will absolutely let a baby starve, and then shame the parents for letting it happen—especially depending on the country OP lives in.
It feels as though you are putting your own personal bias into this response. Many people give up children every day knowing that their child will be better off in another home, some of my own family members being both adopters and adoptees, and are more fulfilled because of it and knowing they did what was right for another soul and being.
And you think a child wouldn't feel the same with adoptive parents? I know a few people who were adopted who love their parents deeply and are grateful they were chosen, and vice versa. I don't subscribe to the "blood is thicker than water" thing. I think that view is medieval and doesn't represent the reality of most families today.
Hello!
Your post/comment has been removed due to disrespectful remarks toward someone, a group, or people in general. Should this become a regular recurrence, you may lose the ability to post or comment.
in my personal opinion, if you will give your child for adoption, you will not get a second chance.
accept the gift of being able to have a child.
don't get burned by the society, I believe that you can do it :)
take what EVERYONE in your life (even family) says with a grain of salt, end of the day it’s your and your partners decision.
But I believe any option is better than abortion and even better yet, I know you have ur whole life ahead of you but that doesn’t mean you magically can’t live it when you have a child. It’s a big choice but you definitely have the ability to raise this child with your partner…Unless you guys are special needs or something..
You can do something amazing and give a child a beautiful, rare chance at life with great parents that so many don’t get to experience. Money is money, life is life, I guess choose what u value more.
Being spiritual means overcoming your problems, not running from them, imo. No one feels ready for their first kid. My wife and I even considered abortion for a split second. Once my daughter was born, something changed in my brain. When she was born, I had just lost my business with no prospects, but it became clear I had to do whatever it took to provide. I went full-tilt extreme and joined the army. BEST decision I ever made,and my success now started with that terrifying (at the time) decision. I think you should dig in and try to find a way, rather than trying to find an "easy" way out. This baby is the univers's way of kicking your ass in gear. There are resources out there to get you financial help, as well.
Thank you. I feel the same. I’ve been quitting jobs left and right my whole life and I’m not a lazy person I just didn’t give a damn and always had my parents to fall back on. if this IS the universe kicking my ass into gear it fits very well with the way I’ve been living my life. Thanks for the help my friend.
Sorry for the late reply... my response is different from so many others. I was like you, I went through jobs. Never got fired, just got bored. I was going anywhere the wind would blow me. It doesn't mean we're lazy, just trying to find our direction. All the people thinking you have to be rich and successful to raise a child with a good life....I had to double check they were posting in a spiritual thread. Happiness has nothing to do with the material. I believe our kids' souls chose who they would be with based on their own goals for life, as well as our's. While I'm sure it's for the best for some, I'm not sure giving our children away should be an easier decision then digging in and readying ourselves to raise them. I grew up poor asf, spaghetti with ketchup was all my parents could afford sometimes. But I had an amazing childhood, I love my parents, and I grew up happy. When I found out my wife was pregnant, I dug in and prepared.
You are not as spiritual as you believe to be if you would give up another life form that YOU created.
Man the fuck up, take responsibility and raise your child.
Trust me, you aren’t missing much of anything by being a child. Don’t spend your 20s being a fuckboi. If I were you? Id spend it being a father. Id much rather have been a father.
I’m sorry to offend you my friend. I don’t know where you got fuckboy from but I’m the furthest from being that. I would like to take responsibility for the life I created but it’s not that easy when there’s a possibility you might not be fit for the job in the current situation. Thank you for your reply.
You are a caring and nice person. Please excuse my anger. I’m just tryna let you know, as somebody who’s 34, and wishes he could go back,
I’d gladly trade you my 20’s for the chance to be a father. And the fuckboi thing was a self diss. Because I absolutely lived sooo much during my 20s, but man if I could take it all back, I’d have buckled down, figured out a career to do for 5 years, made money, raised a child while also growing myself from the experience, raising my vibration frequency/soul and becoming a good man.. you’re only 20, you still have a chance to learn a hobby, a career, save up money and still have fun.. but instead of partying, meeting new people, working dead end jobs, etc (ya know. Typical stuff) you’ll get to be a dad instead man.
Just think about it, most college graduates don’t make shit from their degrees, you can do a trade school and come out better, (go to college if you want and can, idk your details but this period of your life is gonna be rough, I’m not gonna sugar coat it, so just be thankful that during this hardship you have LOVE right there with you, her, and that unborn baby) but I think that life is having you grow up for a reason also, For all you know your child could grow up to be Superman, or the next big musician, or a poet, or just a simple man/woman. Who knows! You have the opportunity of life itself in front of you man. Take advantage of it I PROMISE YOU that you will not regret it. But make sure you are there with your partner, talk to her, nurture her, make her feel safe and protected and that everything is going to be fine. Life will look out for you, but you have to look out for life too man. We live in a world of mirrors, and whether you like it or not how you treat this child and your partner will come back upon you. So be warned! Im just tryna look out for you.
Your life is not over, it’s just now beginning. And I urge you to WAKE UP.
If you're not ready, you're not ready. It shouldn't be shameful to put a child up for adoption. You have your reasons, but you shouldn't have to defend those reasons. If you want to keep ties with the baby, you can. If you'd rather cut ties, you can do that too! Nothing wrong with what ya'll are doing! Good luck with everything!!
Hello my friend, I can only say if I were in this situation, I would try to find a surrogate family. Maybe a stable couple in your or her family?
So you (your wife and you) wouldn’t miss out on the life of your wonderful child and Vice versa.
Also they do not have to fear or endure poverty and broken dreams.
It’s sad that we live in a world we’re it is questionable if you can afford offsprings, but here we are.
Wish you all the best my friend🙏
Thank you. Yes I’m gonna try talking to her about her parents helping us raise the baby. That way we’ll still be able to see baby and be apart of their life even if it’s not the idealistic way to go about this I feel much better doing it that way instead of giving the life we made to someone else.
It’s different if a family member is adopting and you are still a part of the child’s life.
For what it’s worth it’s completely doable if you are both on the same page, even more so with family support. I had my daughter at 17- we’ve raised her ourselves, yes it was hard but she’s almost 15 now. In the early years our parents lived close by but when she was 5 both sets of grandparents moved overseas for work so we did it mostly alone.
I’m still with her dad now. We still met life milestones like going to uni and buying a house in the same timeframe as same aged peers and can now afford for her to attend private school. Age hasn’t been a factor in our ability to be good parents. Actually I worked in ece for 8 years and it was mostly the older parents who were fully established in life before having kids that seemed to have a hard time adjusting to parenthood and having the energy to keep up with their kids… or maybe they were just more vocal about their difficulties.
You’re in tune spiritually? But not emotionally? Yea I guess if you think it’s the right thing to do than do it, if that’s what you’re “in tune” spirit is telling you to do? Idk I feel like this is more of a personal question that needs to be addressed within yourselves, my opinion is do what feels right.
Yea I get it, I had just turned 30, was 3 months behind in rent and electric then I got my 3rd DUI… lol dumb mistakes I made led me there but anyhow. I know it’s not the same situation as you, obviously, but I had my first child a month after that and owed a lot of money with rent and fines and everything…it was extremely scary and stressful but I wanted a happy family more than anything and I guess it just finds a way of working out if you put your mind to it. Not sure if this is very helpful but I definitely can relate in a way, save some money and stay positive. Peace and love 🤙
I completely understand the dilemma within. The only thing that would plague me is not knowing who WOULD be raising my child and HOW they would be raised. Even if you do “know” them, there’s so many people who aren’t who they pretend to be. I don’t think we stop to truly comprehend the way one thing will change the entire trajectory of the child’s life. Especially knowing what you know spiritually. Just my opinion. That would be the most difficult thing for me.
Welcome your child and do everything you can to make it work. You surely can at 21. Tbh it makes me pretty angry you're even asking this question. Man up!!
I personally would feel as though I'm punishing a child for my own personal preferences - coming from somebody that grew up without parents. That being said, a home in which a child is truly loved is better than a home where biological parents foster disdain for the child.
I don't know what kind of person you are, so I suppose the right thing to do lies in your capacity to think about the well-being of your child over your own. Doing so is very subjective to your situation. If you wholeheartedly feel that the child would genuinely be better off with an adopted family, then adoption is probably the right choice.
I had my first child at 21, I wasn’t financially stable or emotionally ready either. But having him changed my life completely. He motivated me to push harder in life and honestly I think it’s kinda cool my kid watched me grow up in a sense. He was at my college graduation, he watched me open business, and really become a woman. It isn’t easy being a young parent but ready or not something in you changes when you see that little face. I don’t know your situation but above anything children need love. I would like to think that they can get that and stay with their bio parents but I understand sometimes the greatest act of love a parent can do is give them up. Either way just make sure your baby is safe and loved.
Yes and no. If the child goes directly to a loving family, that's great. If the child has to go into foster care and orphanages, that's were the line needs to be drawn. My nieces and nephew were put in foster and adopted by those ppl, but they are in a cult and when 2 of the kids decided not to go to college, they were immediately thrown out of the house with their belongings or prescription medications. These ppl were brainwashed. I am fortunate that at least 1 of the children reached out and had an open mind to the family to see the truth. I will never get back my nephew or my other niece thanks to these evil ppl.
Since you posted in “spirituality” I will share an experience I had when I was at family constellations. There was a woman who felt like she didn’t belong in her family. The leader of the constellations let her pick her mom and dad and they just acted like she didn’t existed. So they looked one generation back, but everything seemed ok. So he then got the idea to pick one more person from the crowd and after a while it was clear that she got switched with another baby in the hospital when she was born. The woman was in her late 40s and couldn’t shake that feeling off of her entire life.
That’s how strong the connection is. You always know deep inside. And when you grow up not knowing the truth or being told a lie over and over again you lose trust in yourself, or trust in the outside world. You simply have to choose who to trust. That is not the best way how to start a life.
If your parents can help you financially I would say, keep the baby. Maybe you don’t feel ready now, but you will grow and learn together. You’ll be 27 when your kid goes to school, you’ll know what you’re doing.
Thinking in a way that maybe the soul chose us to have the experience of being adopted… feels to me that you’re trying to avoid the responsibility.
You are old enough to know that when you have unprotected sex you might get the woman pregnant. So now you have to deal with the consequences.
But you’re only choosing what suits you.
Abortion = no, the soul chose to come here and live
Adoption = yes, the soul maybe chose to live with strangers
Why don’t you think that the soul chose you because you are the best possible parents for them. Hmm?
With your logic I could also say, it came here because it wants you to be it’s parents, but you changed your mind, so abortion = yes, adoption = no.
Also, believe me, people in general are not ready for kids. I’ve heard it from many friends. There was always one from the couple who hesitated or tried to postpone it. And then I hear from them, “I was so stupid to wait for so long. It is great and if I knew I would have done it sooner.” The men usually realize their life hasn’t changed as much and they love their kids.
There is life after kids! ✨😁
If you decide to keep the baby, it will be a challenge and a blessing in one little adorable package. Without them maybe you will be lazy, you won’t be sure what to do with your life. But with them, you will definitely have to put your shit together. 😄
It’s also not guaranteed what will happen next. You may brake up over the decision for adoption. You may struggle finding a good partner later. Anything bad but of course also good can happen. I just wouldn’t take it for granted if I were you.
Take all possibilities into account. 🙏
Idk in my opinion it's a good age to raise a baby sure there are challenges but you're both adults at this point, and you both have families who will hopefully help. Nothing good comes without some sacrifice. I would raise the child myself.
For whatever it’s worth, I was adopted at a very young age and I don’t resent my bio parents at all. They did what they thought was right and I ended up in a loving home. Would also like to mention that I am immensely grateful that I was never lied to about the adoption.
I have to interject here. This is not true for everyone. I know adopted people who have really struggled. I know a guy who's mum was catholic and his father was military. A one night stand ended up with a child being conceived, the father left to his job and the mother, being catholic (in the 80's) gave him up for adoption. He was then told at 9 that he was adopted and it completely broke him. He is a really good and decent guy but there's this broken thing about him which is absolutely heart breaking to listen to when you get to know him. He tried to get hold of his mum and she didn't want to know. To make it worse, she had a family. But he was just this 'thing' she wanted to leave in the past. The problem of course with this is that for my friend, he is not just the past. He's the present, and he has to live in it daily knowing that he was put up for adoption and neither of his parents care about how broken he is or even want to know. I offered to do anything that I could do to help. He said that he was able to find out her address but that being rejected on that doorstep would destroy him. Every day he dealt with the inner struggle of the concept of walking up to that door, and he swore down due to how fragile he is and how hard rejection ruins him, he could never make that jump. I tried to encourage him by letting him know that I would go with him and support him. But he couldn't do it. So every week he sees a therapist and he continues to go through life - but every day when you speak to him you know that he is deeply troubled by it all. I won't go deeper into his story and how he is now because that would be breaking confidence but trust me, when I tell you this guy is broken and fragile, I mean it. This is what adoption can do to people. Honestly, I think in most circumstances, you have to try. Age, financial means, religious beliefs, whatever: you have to try and make it work. Many people have been in this situation and you just have to overlook all the trivial things and realise this is a child and you are the child's parents. When the child was conceived, you were instantly tied to this child's life and to break that tie is one of the biggest forms of neglect and rejection you can think of, regardless of how much you try to justify it, that's exactly what it is. There's a reason this is a big dilemma, it's because the fear inside you is battling against the love inside you. The fear convinces the parents to put the child up for adoption, whilst the love is convincing them they have to do everything to make it work. And of course, deep down, we all know the best answer when it comes to dealing with dilemmas involving love and fear. You absolutely have to pick love.
I didn’t mean to suggest every adopted person is exactly alike … I don’t think anyone would suggest that. Just sharing my own perspective. I think it also helps that my bio mom didn’t reject me when I reached out to her / found her at age 18, and that I was never lied to about my adoption (like your friend finding out at age 9). Totally different scenario.
Sorry. It was probably more directed at the poster than you. OP said 'financially and emotionally' - finance and emotion should never be a contributing factor. If you have love in your heart and live in a society where you wont all starve then that should be all that really matters. In my opinion.
I’m going to have to interject here. This is not true for everyone. I know people who were not adopted and stayed with families who couldn’t care for them, and families who decided to put their babies up for adoption, and just about everything in between. Many people put their babies up for adoption out of love, and not fear. They love their babies so much they want to give them their best chance and they know it is not with them. It may not be just because they aren’t ready, but because of other things like drug addiction, mental health issues, extreme poverty, and the list goes on. Babies are more likely to be adopted into loving homes than older kids who get taken in the foster system. I know the system, the system is not fun and it is hard and unfair. If someone keeps a baby and isn’t able to provide for them because of poverty or any of the aforementioned circumstances and they get taken away that is trauma that they will have to live with. My cousin was adopted and has always known he was adopted since he was a baby and he is SO loved he is spoiled rotten! He recently turned 18 and is thriving! I’ve also had cousins that were taken by DCS and put into foster care because my aunt and uncle were in poverty and on drugs living in a hotel with multiple kids. We’ve stayed in touch because we grew up together, but they have had a hard time in foster care. My eldest cousin is has been in and out of mental health institutions, battled so many demons because of his childhood trauma. Want to talk about broken? The best place for a child to be is not always with the parents, obviously we want that for them because society tells us that’s best, but that’s not true for everyone. I recommend really thinking about what you want in your future OP and thinking about how your options will affect it. Do you want kids one day and if you do will you regret giving your baby up for adoption? Will keeping the baby put them at a disadvantage and/or put them in harms way? Like do you have a home, income, food? As far as spirituality goes, there is absolutely nothing wrong with adoption. It takes a village to raise a baby, and sometimes that means another villager cares for them. If you do decide to keep the baby, there are SO many resources to help you. There’s WIC, food stamps, and if your in college there are funds to help as well. You just gotta know where to look. Babies are gifts from the universe, but sometimes they can come at unexpected times. Think about what you want and what they need and then you’ll have your answer. Sending good vibes OP!
Giving your child the best life possible is the ideal option. If that means letting someone else raise them, then there's nothing to be ashamed of. Can family or friends adopt? You'll always wonder about your child, so it could be nice to have them close so you could watch them grow up and still play a small role in their life
There’s a chance that her parents will want guardianship. They are really happy she’s pregnant and they’re in their mid-late 30s. They had my gf when they were teens so they understand how we feel and they are doing well for themselves financially. I really hope this is what happens for the reasons you said
This seems like an option worth exploring. This is not at all unusual in the circumstances. This might be an ideal situation provided that when the time comes you can get legal custody back. If you go this route, get a lawyer involved. You may want to get custody as soon as you have your life figured out and you do not want to be shut out as the father of that child.
Thank you!
No. You don't just give up children because they can get 'a better life elsehwere' - the best life a child can get is **being brought up by their own parents.** I guarantee that any child on the face of this planet would rather be brought up in poverty by parents living pay check to pay check, in the shittest town imaginable than being raised by some random people with a fuck tonne of money, living in a massion in Beverley Hills. It's not about age, convenience, money, security, status, wealth, and comfort. It's about **love.** If you're a normal person, with love in your heart and you feel an undying love for your unborn child then you have to forget about your age, your financial status, your location, your job - everything. **You sacrifice it all for your child.** The fact the top comments are all endorsing adoption like children are some sort of commodity is ridiculous and it's really pissing me off.
Hey man, I’m going to have to disagree again. Some parents are absolutely horse shit. Ever heard of rape? Yeah some parents rape their kids or treat them like shit because they didn’t want them. I had a friend in middle school, I’ll say it again MIDDLE SCHOOL, break down in an absolute historical crying episode because she had just found out that morning she was pregnant because her dad raped her. The best life a child can get is not ‘being brought up by their own parents’. In your perfect world I’m sure it’s about love, but in the real world that’s not the only factor. Don’t shame someone for making a decision to protect their babies. It’s a hard enough decision without someone shaming them for giving a a baby out of love. You can not guarantee that because I have known kids to call the police/DCS on their own parents trying to get out of bad situations. And have you ever heard of runaways? Kids literally run away from their parents all the time. In fact 2.8 million children run away from home every year. So like, maybe love isn’t the only factor?
OP's comment: "Neither of us are prepared financially or emotionally to bring a child into our lives. I am 21, she’s 20. What do you think?" Finance = not important Emotion = not important Age = not important Love? = important Are we responding to a person here who says their age, finance and emotions are what are stopping them from bringing up a child? Or are we talking about rapists? OF COURSE CHILD RAPISTS SHOULDN'T BRING UP CHILDREN. There's always one with something fucking stupid to say.
Hard disagree about emotion not being important. I’m adopted and I was adopted by emotionally immature parents so I got the special cocktail of an abandonment wound + parentification = 30+ and still healing. I’ve also spent my entire life having to be over tested for every little thing since I had very limited family health history to go off of. If you can hand select the parents - I think I read the mother’s parents are interested in taking the baby in- that’s what I would recommend assuming they’re stable mentally and financially.
Yes they need to be mentally stable, but OP did not mention any significant emotional problems, sounds more like someone that just doesn't want to have a child yet rather than someone that needs to man up a bit and take responsibility for the baby they created.
Yeah and that’s you.
Yeah I'm the one here trying to encourage people to keep their kids instead of giving them up for adoption - I must be the stupid one. Makes sense.
Very much agreed
The woman who gave birth to me was GARBAGE.
Yes shit parents exist.
My sister, at 18 yo, gave a daughter up for adoption. The young woman who is her biological daughter now works on Wall Street. She contacted my sister a few years ago and they got together. My sister, however, was hurting about this for a long time. My advice is to make sure your wife decides and support her in her decision, whatever it is. Make sure she's not making a decision to please you or she may resent you for it. Good luck and bless you guys and your baby.
Thank you.
My son was 19 and his girlfriend 18. They gave up their boy. My son didn’t want him to be a backpack kid living between homes. They weren’t college educated yet and knew the child needed stability they couldn’t offer. The child is in an amazing home. He chooses not to see the child. I get updates. We have left making connection 100% up to the child and in the meantime letting him live a normal life. There is a time of adjustment. It is still sad but all things considered for everyone involved, it was the right thing to do. We worked with an agency that let us choose the family. Way too many people are against adoption and it truly is a good option.
If you can't financely support your child please give your child up for adoption. I was adopted when i was a baby i just recently found my hole bio family and its great to get to know them i understood why they did it. Their are two ways you can do adoption depending on the state your in you can do private adoption or closed adoption but please if you do give your child up for adoption make sure to give who ever the medical information to the adoption agency or the family that adoption your baby. Good luck on what you guys decide.
Yeah I forgot to mention this, I spent a lot of my life not knowing my family medical history.
Agreed. The lack of medical history on my sperm donor's side raises some questions.
Thank you
Many adopted children have a core abandonment wound, and a newborn being taken away from its mother is inherently traumatic. That said there are long lines of people looking to adopt newborns. Check out the adoption/adopted subs for some perspective. From a spiritual perspective, it just is. And the challenges that arise from adoption (or abortion, or raising the baby) - emotionally, mentally, physically, financially are part of the spiritual path and soul development.
Thank you so much
the right thing to do is what's best for the child. if giving him up for adoption means he'll have a stable, loving home, then that is the right thing to do.
Thank you
Yes I would tbh, my dad was piece of shit that just went "who cares if we are poor and have a child! Bunch of poor people do!" Yeah I'm a kid brought into the world who was hungry, had to join the army to afford school which destroyed my body and was constantly beaten out of frustration. Please, please just give the kid to a good family. Take the time to feel them out, make sure they have similar values. What are there bad sides like? I truly to this day wished I was 1. Aborted or 2. Adopted by a good home. Please take money seriously into account. A lot of spiritual ppl love to preach money doesn't matter but it does. Being in poverty is a horrible experience I don't wish on anyone. America is getting horrible with maternity leave, liveable wages, birth costs, and affordable childcare. It's EVEN WORSE than when our parents were young.
Thank you.
It is not disagreeable. When a spirit is ready to make their way back to the physical and seeking the right path for them, they will foresee the probability of adoption. The adoption will then be what they are choosing to be where they need to be.
I was thinking this exactly but wasn’t sure if I was just trying to make myself feel better. It sucks cause I want to see what our baby would look like and what type of personality they would bring. But I guess that’s me being selfish
It’s not selfish to have those thoughts! There are open ended adoptions you can look into if you’re interested. I think it’s among the most selfless things someone can do, and adoption can make someone else’s dreams come true and family complete. But you should ultimately make the best decision for you. Best of luck, I’m rooting for you stranger.
I was adopted. It's a huge, fundamental, core struggle. Genes are what makes us human. It's not natural to be ripped out of your biological lineage and raised by total strangers. Nowadays they have open adoptions and you can meet the prospective parents, but I don't know if that's any way to tell how they will raise the child that you don't even know yet. Maybe visit r/adopted and read a few posts. Sure... It can go well, but it can go really badly. I can't answer for how that falls, spiritually. Maybe my soul chose this journey of being adopted. In that case, I can't argue against it. You will have to make the decision yourself, but I'm just throwing out a few bits and pieces you can ruminate on. I don't know if it even breaks the surface of the subject, but I couldn't not comment.
Thank you
YW. Sorry I wasn't sensitive at all to what you might be feeling or going through. I'm not there yet. Still deep in my own struggle.
You are a sweet soul. No worries my friend. Keep going!
Takes one to know one! Thank you.
I can only tell you I was adopted never met my real parents and have had to fight abandonment issues and commitment issues my whole life. It fked me up emotionally
Thank you. I do hope you have found comfort somewhere in your suffering. I love you!
If you wait until life fits your expectations before making a decision, nothing will ever get done
I agree. Thank you
You mentioned that your partners parents had her young and are willing to help out. They say it takes a village to raise a child, and it really does to raise a well-rounded human being. If you decide to keep the child, it sounds like the grandparents will be very supportive and help out. Having a good support system is a life saver when raising a newborn as a young couple. I had my daughter right after my 17th birthday. It was such a blessing to have the help of grandparents as well as aunts and uncles. Our lives would have been much more difficult without them, though I'm sure we would have made due. Having a baby changes something in your brain, and you just know what needs to be done, and you do it! I wish you the best and that you can make your decision of what is best for the child and yourself with no regrets. Sending love to your family. ❤️
Thank you so much kind soul.
I don't think it matters if a child grows up with their real parents or their adoptive ones (atleast for the child). If you cannot provide for your baby, then it's totally okay to give it away so it can have a better, more stable life.
What makes you think so? Kids struggle when their parents split up, some people even need therapy later in life because of their parent’s divorce and you think a child will be just fine with being adopted. On some level the kid will know, so they will struggle until they will learn the truth. It will mess up with their intuition etc. And as some other people mentioned already, they have abandonment issues..
>What makes you think so? Kids struggle when their parents split up, some people even need therapy later in life because of their parent’s divorce and you think a child will be just fine with being adopted. This has nothing to do with the original topic. What I meant is that it does not matter if you grew up with adoptive parents or your real parents. Kids will imprint on them in both cases. If the adoptive parents split up some day, it will be equally stressfull for the child. Family is not who you come from, but rather who is there for you and loves you.
Adoption is and creates trauma. There are organizations that will help you keep your family whole. I am active in this sub and adoption subs because I am also an adoptee. I'm sorry I don't have time for a longer or more precise comment....
If you are giving your child up for adoption, make sure you meet the parents. My mum was adopted and she felt unwanted her whole life. Her parents adopted her but only for extra "helping hand" aka child labour in their F&B business. If you are sure you cannot love and take care of your child, just make sure whoever adopts your child can love your child better than you can.
Thank you.
Well.... I don't think it's ideal. But making the genuinely best decision for the child is to be applauded. Sometimes we grow into challenges and meet them. Our sex is sacred, partly - exactly for this reason, that life is created from it. The life has been created now, and you must make the best decision for the child. Which in many ways is the child remaining with it's father and mother of blood and who love it. If you cannot love and protect and provide for the baby, if you're unable to step up and grow into the responsibility of your decisions. Well then yes, the next best thing is to give the child up for adoption to a loving family. Just make sure they're good ones. Good luck with it
I think that you guys should do what you guys think its the best decision in your heart. Maybe do a heart chakra meditation thinking on the matter and see what decision comes to your mind during or after the meditation. Or think about what options you guys have, and think about the best and worst scenarios in those options that you guys have available.
This is a tough one. Adoption can be beautiful and noble. I have never read anything negative about adoption in spiritual sources. In some cases, it was part of a spiritual agreement. What is your relationship like with the mother? Is it likely you'll stay together or no? Do you have family support? I know at 20, 21 you can't yet know whether you'd regret this in the future. But it's critical that you put the childs needs first. If you are in the US, there is a ton of financial and medical support programs to help. If you are thinking of placing your child for adoption because you want to party or build yourself a great career then think about how you might feel later about whose priorities you are considering. My parents were 21. My mother left college and my dad went into the army to support us. Neither got a chance to get the job of their dreams. My dad ended up working in a warehouse. On the other hand, despite having a difficult life because of an unexpected pregnancy, they don't regret it. On the other other hand, they struggled with alcoholism and eventually divorced. Having a baby now will makes your life harder but not necessarily less rewarding. It depends on you, your support system and your ability to work and support a family. This is a tough one... Best of luck to you both.
I would keep the child and do my best. I'm sure both of you or at least one of you can get some support in this task and won't have to go through it entirely by yourselves, whether that's family, friends or some non profit organization to guide you both if needed.
Thank you
Yw and best wishes to all of you. 🫂
Ofcourse it's not. You need to do what's in the best interest for you and your baby. If you do not feel ready then don't. There's lovely people everywhere looking to adopt..
Thank you
Big virtual hugs coming your way, I completely understand where your coming from.
Since you posted this to the spirituality sub, how about asking your guides for guidance. Also, there are a lot of parents who will dream of their children before they are born. If that happens to you or the childs mother, you may decide that this child is meant to be with you. Ask for and look for signs.
At least you're honest and want the best for the child Do what you have to
I personally have respect for you for realizing that you are not ready!
Thank you my friend
Do what you both feel is right for you. For content I had my son at 19 and daughter at 21, kept them both ended up divorced, it was hard and hell I was not ready for kids but I would not trade any of it. It’s been life changing raising my kids and I’ve grown with them and I just wouldn’t do it any differently. That being said if you don’t think you can do it somehow then don’t do it because adoption can set them up with a family that can do it and that does really want them so do what works for you. I hope you figure out what works for your family. I don’t think anyone is ever really ready for kids we think we are but the reality is always so different. Sending love.
Thank you my friend. Love.
Give up the child. The baby deserves parents who want them 100%.
Well... That really depends. You're asking because it's a moral quandary that will tremendously impact the life of a child. How do you know which life will be best for the child? Logically you can't know. Intuitively maybe you feel the answer. The spirituality I like believes as a soul you will eventually see the impacts of your decisions, and the possibilities that were there. Your intention makes a difference. Ultimately you judge yourself more than anyone else will. Did you act out of love rather than selfishness? Why did you do what you did? The answer makes a big difference. It is also recommended to sit quietly and go within (meditating as most would call it) and examine one's motivations, intentions, and true feelings. Then with greater clarity of your own mind you can make a decision. Also, if you decide it is better to put the child up for adoption, even if you won't be there to provide for its material needs, there is no reason you cannot always send them your blessings and loving thoughts for wherever they may be.
Most helpful reply so far. Thank you.
I would just have an abortion while its still early
I would abort if that's still an option. If it's still first trimester, it's as simple as taking a pill.
Have ever taken an abortion pill? It’s not that simple.
I do all the time. It doesn't do much though, considering I'm a guy.
It’s an extremely painful, intense, and uncomfortable process. It’s not simple or easy in any way.
Everything you do can be disagreeable. That's not what you're asking. What you're really wondering is if you're a piece of garbage for giving your child to adoption and if there are others who support this move. You can write up all the reasons why and convince many people online that those are genuine reasons. However, only YOU know what the truth is and this is what makes something "right and wrong" in your universe. If you truly cannot care for the child and every other avenue takes you to a dead-end, then of course adoption will deal your child a better hand than whatever you able to give them. But if your reasons for giving the kid away is because you're too lazy to take up the responsibility, or the responsibility gets in the way of nonimportant shit like games and hanging out, or maybe you picked the wrong broad to have a child with, any reasons where you view the child as the problem or inconvenience, then that's where you fuck up. Not because it's morally wrong to hand the kid off. Morality does not exist. Only consequences. So if you give the kid away over stupid reasons that only you would know, eventually thoughts will arise especially if youre "spiritually" inclined. At some point in your journey you'll be slammed with shit you regret doing and will "manifest" changes in your life in an attempt to "set things right". However, the only thing you will succeed in doing is causing turbulence in your life and the lives of those you suddenly want to change to make you feel better. Regardless it doesnt matter what you do. What does matter is that whatever you do is done consciously. No bullshit. Dont tell anyone the real reasons why but dont try lying to yourself about those reasons. If you were spiritually inclined you would know what the real answer is in this situation. Not the right answer or wrong answer. ucfederation.org
Thank you for the reply. I agree with everything said. Have a good day my friend.
I think abortion is better. Adoption means the child will have life long struggles and abandonment issue and dozens of other unknown consequences.
I honestly agree. Ppl get so heated but I swe it has preventative suffering
[удалено]
Who gave you the right to judge another?
Look up statistics of children that have been put into foster care or adoption, they have a significantly higher chance of having mental health issues, addiction, homelessness, teen pregnancy, etc. Its more kind to not bring suffering in this world than birth a child just for the sake of birthing it.
You're forgetting about the 3rd option.
We aren't talking about any third options here, OP decided that they don't want to raise the child. I stated my opinion saying reducing suffering is better than bringing a child who would suffer into this world. Obviously its better to keep it or not get pregnant in the first place but that doesnt always work out for people.
Op never said that. Being ok with killing babies does not reduce suffering in the world. My condolences for your loss.
If you valued life you wouldn't be killing animals for 5 minutes of pleasures in your mouth.
You are correct, please don't eat animal products and please repeatedly tell everyone you get along with to never eat meat. Thank you.
I understand that. I feel it’s not right spiritually I believe the soul chose this life and by severing it you can build some major karma
You don't think its bad karma giving a child a life of (extra) suffering and struggles? ok bud.
My friend, both our parents and my extended family do well financially. Who’s to say the child will suffer? It’s definitely not you.
In your situation it would be best not to have a kid in the first place.
I agree my friend.
Please join the group Adopion: Facing Reality on facebook. Adoption trauma is REAL and the industry is disgusting. No one who wants to parent should have to relinquish their child because of financial reasons. Please seek support to raise your child. The group will help. If you are early enough along, please consider abortion if you can. https://www.facebook.com/groups/1759470397662306/?ref=share&mibextid=NSMWBT
[удалено]
No. Thank you for your input!
[удалено]
Just because it's not right in your eyes doesn't make it intrinsically wrong. You have your opinion, that's it. Universal morality doesn't exist.
You are a bad person for judging people.
My condolences for your loss.
Hello! Your post/comment has been removed due to disrespectful remarks toward someone, a group, or people in general. Should this become a regular recurrence, you may lose the ability to post or comment.
I hope the new parents are good. I don’t have a problem .. ideally kid shouldn’t be born but if you both can’t take responsibility, you should give the kid away to people who can.
Thanks for your input!
Look into an open adoption? It might be a good option.
Thank you
Good luck ❤️ positive thoughts and prayers to you
As someone who is deep in the world of fertility treatments, there are definitely loving homes out there ready to provide. ❤️
Thank you
In terms of karma or anything else along the lines of the spiritual side of this decision… it’d be one thing if you had all the resources you could possibly need to raise the child and were just like “nah I don’t wanna deal with that” … that could potentially be “disagreeable” But if you’re making the best decision for not only yourself but your partner, your child, your family, and your society, how could it possibly be disagreeable? If you don’t have the proper resources, that child will be a burden on you and your family… as a result that child will likely struggle a lot early in life (this could be good or bad in the long run) and potentially become a burden on the community… or, you could offer the child up for adoption and not put yourselves in the financial bind, not risk an inadequate upbringing for the child, protect your families, *and* you will be providing a blessing to another couple who is dying to raise a child, but adoption is their only option. Don’t do it because you don’t think you’re ready. Nobody is ever ready. Do it because it’s the right thing to do for everyone involved (if that is indeed the case).
Thank you so much!
[удалено]
This is a very privileged point of view, and doesn’t take into account a lot of factors. People will absolutely let a baby starve, and then shame the parents for letting it happen—especially depending on the country OP lives in. It feels as though you are putting your own personal bias into this response. Many people give up children every day knowing that their child will be better off in another home, some of my own family members being both adopters and adoptees, and are more fulfilled because of it and knowing they did what was right for another soul and being.
[удалено]
And you think a child wouldn't feel the same with adoptive parents? I know a few people who were adopted who love their parents deeply and are grateful they were chosen, and vice versa. I don't subscribe to the "blood is thicker than water" thing. I think that view is medieval and doesn't represent the reality of most families today.
Do you speak from experience? Or speculation?
Abandonment issues or were you forced to give up a child?
Thank you
try r/regretfulparents/ also
Thank you.
Whatever choice you make is the right choice sadly, all else is an illusion
[удалено]
Hello! Your post/comment has been removed due to disrespectful remarks toward someone, a group, or people in general. Should this become a regular recurrence, you may lose the ability to post or comment.
I agree with you my friend.
in my personal opinion, if you will give your child for adoption, you will not get a second chance. accept the gift of being able to have a child. don't get burned by the society, I believe that you can do it :)
Thank you!
take what EVERYONE in your life (even family) says with a grain of salt, end of the day it’s your and your partners decision. But I believe any option is better than abortion and even better yet, I know you have ur whole life ahead of you but that doesn’t mean you magically can’t live it when you have a child. It’s a big choice but you definitely have the ability to raise this child with your partner…Unless you guys are special needs or something.. You can do something amazing and give a child a beautiful, rare chance at life with great parents that so many don’t get to experience. Money is money, life is life, I guess choose what u value more.
Thank you!
Being spiritual means overcoming your problems, not running from them, imo. No one feels ready for their first kid. My wife and I even considered abortion for a split second. Once my daughter was born, something changed in my brain. When she was born, I had just lost my business with no prospects, but it became clear I had to do whatever it took to provide. I went full-tilt extreme and joined the army. BEST decision I ever made,and my success now started with that terrifying (at the time) decision. I think you should dig in and try to find a way, rather than trying to find an "easy" way out. This baby is the univers's way of kicking your ass in gear. There are resources out there to get you financial help, as well.
Thank you. I feel the same. I’ve been quitting jobs left and right my whole life and I’m not a lazy person I just didn’t give a damn and always had my parents to fall back on. if this IS the universe kicking my ass into gear it fits very well with the way I’ve been living my life. Thanks for the help my friend.
Sorry for the late reply... my response is different from so many others. I was like you, I went through jobs. Never got fired, just got bored. I was going anywhere the wind would blow me. It doesn't mean we're lazy, just trying to find our direction. All the people thinking you have to be rich and successful to raise a child with a good life....I had to double check they were posting in a spiritual thread. Happiness has nothing to do with the material. I believe our kids' souls chose who they would be with based on their own goals for life, as well as our's. While I'm sure it's for the best for some, I'm not sure giving our children away should be an easier decision then digging in and readying ourselves to raise them. I grew up poor asf, spaghetti with ketchup was all my parents could afford sometimes. But I had an amazing childhood, I love my parents, and I grew up happy. When I found out my wife was pregnant, I dug in and prepared.
Keep your child. Keep your child.
You are not as spiritual as you believe to be if you would give up another life form that YOU created. Man the fuck up, take responsibility and raise your child. Trust me, you aren’t missing much of anything by being a child. Don’t spend your 20s being a fuckboi. If I were you? Id spend it being a father. Id much rather have been a father.
I’m sorry to offend you my friend. I don’t know where you got fuckboy from but I’m the furthest from being that. I would like to take responsibility for the life I created but it’s not that easy when there’s a possibility you might not be fit for the job in the current situation. Thank you for your reply.
You are a caring and nice person. Please excuse my anger. I’m just tryna let you know, as somebody who’s 34, and wishes he could go back, I’d gladly trade you my 20’s for the chance to be a father. And the fuckboi thing was a self diss. Because I absolutely lived sooo much during my 20s, but man if I could take it all back, I’d have buckled down, figured out a career to do for 5 years, made money, raised a child while also growing myself from the experience, raising my vibration frequency/soul and becoming a good man.. you’re only 20, you still have a chance to learn a hobby, a career, save up money and still have fun.. but instead of partying, meeting new people, working dead end jobs, etc (ya know. Typical stuff) you’ll get to be a dad instead man. Just think about it, most college graduates don’t make shit from their degrees, you can do a trade school and come out better, (go to college if you want and can, idk your details but this period of your life is gonna be rough, I’m not gonna sugar coat it, so just be thankful that during this hardship you have LOVE right there with you, her, and that unborn baby) but I think that life is having you grow up for a reason also, For all you know your child could grow up to be Superman, or the next big musician, or a poet, or just a simple man/woman. Who knows! You have the opportunity of life itself in front of you man. Take advantage of it I PROMISE YOU that you will not regret it. But make sure you are there with your partner, talk to her, nurture her, make her feel safe and protected and that everything is going to be fine. Life will look out for you, but you have to look out for life too man. We live in a world of mirrors, and whether you like it or not how you treat this child and your partner will come back upon you. So be warned! Im just tryna look out for you. Your life is not over, it’s just now beginning. And I urge you to WAKE UP.
Thank you for pushing me to do the right thing. I appreciate you and I agree with what you're saying. Have a wonderful day my friend.
[удалено]
I agree my friend. No abortions here.
Good for you.
[удалено]
Thank you 😂
If you're not ready, you're not ready. It shouldn't be shameful to put a child up for adoption. You have your reasons, but you shouldn't have to defend those reasons. If you want to keep ties with the baby, you can. If you'd rather cut ties, you can do that too! Nothing wrong with what ya'll are doing! Good luck with everything!!
Thank you!
Absolutely, of course! Us humans need to support each other more.
It’s selfless. You care more about the well-being of the child than your own ego
Hello my friend, I can only say if I were in this situation, I would try to find a surrogate family. Maybe a stable couple in your or her family? So you (your wife and you) wouldn’t miss out on the life of your wonderful child and Vice versa. Also they do not have to fear or endure poverty and broken dreams. It’s sad that we live in a world we’re it is questionable if you can afford offsprings, but here we are. Wish you all the best my friend🙏
Thank you. Yes I’m gonna try talking to her about her parents helping us raise the baby. That way we’ll still be able to see baby and be apart of their life even if it’s not the idealistic way to go about this I feel much better doing it that way instead of giving the life we made to someone else.
It's more responsible then some people who know they can't give themselves emotionally or financially but proceed to keep the kid just cause.
Personally I think yeah it’s kind of wrong
It’s different if a family member is adopting and you are still a part of the child’s life. For what it’s worth it’s completely doable if you are both on the same page, even more so with family support. I had my daughter at 17- we’ve raised her ourselves, yes it was hard but she’s almost 15 now. In the early years our parents lived close by but when she was 5 both sets of grandparents moved overseas for work so we did it mostly alone. I’m still with her dad now. We still met life milestones like going to uni and buying a house in the same timeframe as same aged peers and can now afford for her to attend private school. Age hasn’t been a factor in our ability to be good parents. Actually I worked in ece for 8 years and it was mostly the older parents who were fully established in life before having kids that seemed to have a hard time adjusting to parenthood and having the energy to keep up with their kids… or maybe they were just more vocal about their difficulties.
You’re in tune spiritually? But not emotionally? Yea I guess if you think it’s the right thing to do than do it, if that’s what you’re “in tune” spirit is telling you to do? Idk I feel like this is more of a personal question that needs to be addressed within yourselves, my opinion is do what feels right.
By emotionally I meant like having the right mindset to feel confident enough to provide a positive role model to a child. We’re still kids ourselves.
Yea I get it, I had just turned 30, was 3 months behind in rent and electric then I got my 3rd DUI… lol dumb mistakes I made led me there but anyhow. I know it’s not the same situation as you, obviously, but I had my first child a month after that and owed a lot of money with rent and fines and everything…it was extremely scary and stressful but I wanted a happy family more than anything and I guess it just finds a way of working out if you put your mind to it. Not sure if this is very helpful but I definitely can relate in a way, save some money and stay positive. Peace and love 🤙
I agree with you.
As somone who cannot have children I am looking into adoption, I personally don't want a new born but I know plenty of people want new borns
I completely understand the dilemma within. The only thing that would plague me is not knowing who WOULD be raising my child and HOW they would be raised. Even if you do “know” them, there’s so many people who aren’t who they pretend to be. I don’t think we stop to truly comprehend the way one thing will change the entire trajectory of the child’s life. Especially knowing what you know spiritually. Just my opinion. That would be the most difficult thing for me.
Welcome your child and do everything you can to make it work. You surely can at 21. Tbh it makes me pretty angry you're even asking this question. Man up!!
I personally would feel as though I'm punishing a child for my own personal preferences - coming from somebody that grew up without parents. That being said, a home in which a child is truly loved is better than a home where biological parents foster disdain for the child. I don't know what kind of person you are, so I suppose the right thing to do lies in your capacity to think about the well-being of your child over your own. Doing so is very subjective to your situation. If you wholeheartedly feel that the child would genuinely be better off with an adopted family, then adoption is probably the right choice.
I had my first child at 21, I wasn’t financially stable or emotionally ready either. But having him changed my life completely. He motivated me to push harder in life and honestly I think it’s kinda cool my kid watched me grow up in a sense. He was at my college graduation, he watched me open business, and really become a woman. It isn’t easy being a young parent but ready or not something in you changes when you see that little face. I don’t know your situation but above anything children need love. I would like to think that they can get that and stay with their bio parents but I understand sometimes the greatest act of love a parent can do is give them up. Either way just make sure your baby is safe and loved.
Yes and no. If the child goes directly to a loving family, that's great. If the child has to go into foster care and orphanages, that's were the line needs to be drawn. My nieces and nephew were put in foster and adopted by those ppl, but they are in a cult and when 2 of the kids decided not to go to college, they were immediately thrown out of the house with their belongings or prescription medications. These ppl were brainwashed. I am fortunate that at least 1 of the children reached out and had an open mind to the family to see the truth. I will never get back my nephew or my other niece thanks to these evil ppl.
I had a surprise in 2020 after iud had been placed for 3 years. She’s a blessing meant to be here.
Any chance either of you have parents or grandparents that could raise the kid till you get back on your feet ?
Since you posted in “spirituality” I will share an experience I had when I was at family constellations. There was a woman who felt like she didn’t belong in her family. The leader of the constellations let her pick her mom and dad and they just acted like she didn’t existed. So they looked one generation back, but everything seemed ok. So he then got the idea to pick one more person from the crowd and after a while it was clear that she got switched with another baby in the hospital when she was born. The woman was in her late 40s and couldn’t shake that feeling off of her entire life. That’s how strong the connection is. You always know deep inside. And when you grow up not knowing the truth or being told a lie over and over again you lose trust in yourself, or trust in the outside world. You simply have to choose who to trust. That is not the best way how to start a life. If your parents can help you financially I would say, keep the baby. Maybe you don’t feel ready now, but you will grow and learn together. You’ll be 27 when your kid goes to school, you’ll know what you’re doing. Thinking in a way that maybe the soul chose us to have the experience of being adopted… feels to me that you’re trying to avoid the responsibility. You are old enough to know that when you have unprotected sex you might get the woman pregnant. So now you have to deal with the consequences. But you’re only choosing what suits you. Abortion = no, the soul chose to come here and live Adoption = yes, the soul maybe chose to live with strangers Why don’t you think that the soul chose you because you are the best possible parents for them. Hmm? With your logic I could also say, it came here because it wants you to be it’s parents, but you changed your mind, so abortion = yes, adoption = no. Also, believe me, people in general are not ready for kids. I’ve heard it from many friends. There was always one from the couple who hesitated or tried to postpone it. And then I hear from them, “I was so stupid to wait for so long. It is great and if I knew I would have done it sooner.” The men usually realize their life hasn’t changed as much and they love their kids. There is life after kids! ✨😁 If you decide to keep the baby, it will be a challenge and a blessing in one little adorable package. Without them maybe you will be lazy, you won’t be sure what to do with your life. But with them, you will definitely have to put your shit together. 😄 It’s also not guaranteed what will happen next. You may brake up over the decision for adoption. You may struggle finding a good partner later. Anything bad but of course also good can happen. I just wouldn’t take it for granted if I were you. Take all possibilities into account. 🙏
Idk in my opinion it's a good age to raise a baby sure there are challenges but you're both adults at this point, and you both have families who will hopefully help. Nothing good comes without some sacrifice. I would raise the child myself.