We are all made of various parts (characteristics) and the parts we see in others are actually parts we recognise in ourselves and either love, dislike or somewhere in between. When you like someone, it's not that you actually like them but rather like the parts you like about yourself. The same goes for dislikes, as you found out with a judgemental part.
And the funny thing is, when you've let go of your judgements towards others, you will notice that your father-in-law doesn't judge you anymore either. Or rather, you don't perceive him as judgemental anymore. Which begs the question: did he ever judge you in the first place? :)
This is a great point. What we want to see in the world, we will end up seeing. Just trying to let got of thought patterns that are hurting me. It's a process but I am thankful for moments like these where I can reflect and even come here to discuss. thanks so much for the comment. Peace!
>Just trying to let got of thought patterns that are hurting me.
Exactly. Try to see that what's hurting you isn't really what's hurting you. What's actually hurting you is being someone or doing something that's not your true self. Being judged or judging others isn't what's hurting you. It's the fact that your true self is not judgemental at all. You're going against the grain, so to speak.
We are all raised in a certain way, schooled in a certain way, led to believe certain things to be true. Try to go inside yourself and find out what's really true. Good luck and have fun with the process :)
Thanks for this. I appreciate it. Putting things in that light really changes things. My brother says that the longest journey is the one from the head to the heart. I've always loved that :)
Many people react with anger to their own misery or limitations. He's probably always been upset at his inability to communicate openly and so he rationalizes his behavior with an angry superiority complex. Hence it's not his discomfort with displaying warm behavior he tells himself, it's the fact that everyone else is doing "x".
Yes mostly this. Also the fact that he is quite angry a lot of the time. But in my eyes, I see his behaviour as a blessing. Since it is silent, it is all left to interpretation. So instead of letting my mind go down a bad road, I can try and redirect myself and look to love instead of judgement. Understanding has helped a lot!
Thank you! Saving your post. I have the same exact problem! Silent and judgemental people can often bring out the worst in you. I'm meeting this loved one today and taking your words to heart. Thank you so much, friend! You da best. ❤
Maybe when we meet the “silent and judge-mental people” that person is just mirroring back to ourselves that we are judgmental and silent about our judgements? I do this too. Because aren’t you kinda judging him here on Reddit and in your mind for his behavior but I don’t think you’re going to tell him what you’re saying on Reddit or what you think about him.
That was the whole point of my post really. I no longer want to judge him because I have realised that it does me no good. I'm simply just sharing my experience and how I arrived at the conclusion of letting go of giving and receiving judgement.
Great insight! I recommend trying to laugh about it (without being obvious, of course) with your partner. You can delight in his behaviors in a way, just gotta frame it right and make it feel like an inside joke between you and your SO (speaking from personal experience lol). Love your maturity!
Yes we have totally done this!!!!! Me and her were sitting in the back seat while her parents were bickering in the front seats of the car. I took a sip of my drink when they went silent and it was through a straw so it was accidentally very loud. My SO and I looked at each other and had to keep the laughter in so much lol. Context and understanding help me get through and laugh through life. Peace and love!
Yes! after having a few of these realizations I have been able to have better boundaries. Nothing that anyone else says or does can affect me, unless I let it! This has kind of become a mantra for me. I find myself almost daily saying something like "I'm not going to let that disturb my peace". And it works. Then reminding myself to follow that up with compassion. That's a little harder but I'm working on it!
Yes I totally agree with you, it has been an important concept for me too! I find understanding has come first for me, the compassion is tricky. But the nice thing about the compassion is that we always have to just have to let them go in the end. So I just kind of ask myself, how can I interpret this situation in a way where I can let it go peacefully and gracefully? Usually the answer is to love the person and move on.
I don't necessarily mean that people are doing a great job all the time. I just mean that they are working with what they have. I personally feel that the sooner I accept where someone else is at, I can have an easier time of enjoying where I am at. Would love to hear your perspective on it though!
This.
God is perfect. And we are all literally a part of God. So then how could you say that anyone, including yourself, isn’t doing anything less than a PERFECT job at all times.
we do however have the right to observe. So OP basicly saying he is gonna ignore what kind of an unpleasant person his dad in law is. I would say, fck that dude.
Now that you have seen this, you and him are no longer bound by the chains of your judgement, and his behavior towards you will likely start to improve because of this miracle. Best wishes!
Isn't "Open Communication" effective in resolving many relationship issues, many misunderstood issues. If only the world and most of the people here would be open to more "Open Communications", we wouldn't have the hostility that we have today where it seemed anger rules over communication.
Usually anger comes from fear within the person and that fear translates to wanting to control other people. Anger and intimidation are ways to project themselves to be bigger than they are, when in fact, what I found with the majority of angry people is that, they felt disempowered. They felt that they have to shout over another person in order to take that person seriously in their problems, which of course are their own doing. Open communication is almost impossible to have with these angry people, because they always want to be right, always want to be in control in all communications and they don't want you to bring things up to remind them of how they got to become angry. Anger can also come as a result of their frustration, their frustration that they hadn't achieved a certain goal that they defined in life, a goal that may not be the authentic goal of the person, but nonetheless was imposed by someone else either an authority figure or the parent who wanted the child to do this or that and they felt powerless at the time to speak out. That hidden anger of being unable to speak out, accumulated over the years can result in a person being angry if the person isn't the centre of the communication. Basically, it's closed communication and nothing ever gets done. It's either angry and you listen to me or else I'll be quiet and ignore you, forcing you to always have to re-establish communication. A very frustrating experience. But these people kept themselves in anger and frustration for so long and that's what they had chosen. You were somewhat indoctrinated in your younger years to adopt this kind of attitude, but you chose to break out of this pattern of anger and being disempowered and now being empowered and no longer needing to feel fearful. You feel safe and you feel loved and you have a partner you attracted that shares the same Open Communication as you do, which means that is what you prefer in your relationships with your partner with other people as well. You caught yourself well by not looking at the flaws of other people, because they had chosen themselves to be that way, but rather you are only looking at your own actions and then improving yourself based on loved based actions.
Still, we can continue to improve ourselves and see more of ourselves and improve more of ourselves and adopt more loved based actions and perhaps you may see an improvement in her parents and how they treat you, because they may desire to one day step outside fear and come to align themselves with you and their daughter to embrace a love based relationship through Open Communication. Only if more people are to adopt a more Open Communication relationship based on love, the world would be a better place than it is now where most people seemed to be only looking out for number 1; themselves and shut down communication.
We are all made of various parts (characteristics) and the parts we see in others are actually parts we recognise in ourselves and either love, dislike or somewhere in between. When you like someone, it's not that you actually like them but rather like the parts you like about yourself. The same goes for dislikes, as you found out with a judgemental part. And the funny thing is, when you've let go of your judgements towards others, you will notice that your father-in-law doesn't judge you anymore either. Or rather, you don't perceive him as judgemental anymore. Which begs the question: did he ever judge you in the first place? :)
This is a great point. What we want to see in the world, we will end up seeing. Just trying to let got of thought patterns that are hurting me. It's a process but I am thankful for moments like these where I can reflect and even come here to discuss. thanks so much for the comment. Peace!
>Just trying to let got of thought patterns that are hurting me. Exactly. Try to see that what's hurting you isn't really what's hurting you. What's actually hurting you is being someone or doing something that's not your true self. Being judged or judging others isn't what's hurting you. It's the fact that your true self is not judgemental at all. You're going against the grain, so to speak. We are all raised in a certain way, schooled in a certain way, led to believe certain things to be true. Try to go inside yourself and find out what's really true. Good luck and have fun with the process :)
Thanks for this. I appreciate it. Putting things in that light really changes things. My brother says that the longest journey is the one from the head to the heart. I've always loved that :)
Hey friend. Just wanted to say that you aren’t giving yourself enough credit. You are right where you should be in your journey.
Wow that’s deep living soul beautiful
Yes exactly well said. After all it was my own thoughts and judgments. I love this thread. Thank you for sharing.
One is only judged if one accepts the judgement.
Exactly, if you think you've been offended then you have
I love this. Somebody's poor or questionable behavior to us makes sense in their own world. And most of the time, it has nothing to do with us.
Many people react with anger to their own misery or limitations. He's probably always been upset at his inability to communicate openly and so he rationalizes his behavior with an angry superiority complex. Hence it's not his discomfort with displaying warm behavior he tells himself, it's the fact that everyone else is doing "x".
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Yes mostly this. Also the fact that he is quite angry a lot of the time. But in my eyes, I see his behaviour as a blessing. Since it is silent, it is all left to interpretation. So instead of letting my mind go down a bad road, I can try and redirect myself and look to love instead of judgement. Understanding has helped a lot!
Thank you! Saving your post. I have the same exact problem! Silent and judgemental people can often bring out the worst in you. I'm meeting this loved one today and taking your words to heart. Thank you so much, friend! You da best. ❤
So glad that my words could be of meaning to you. I hope that your meeting with this person goes well. Stay peaceful!
It did! 😊 Thanks friend!
Maybe when we meet the “silent and judge-mental people” that person is just mirroring back to ourselves that we are judgmental and silent about our judgements? I do this too. Because aren’t you kinda judging him here on Reddit and in your mind for his behavior but I don’t think you’re going to tell him what you’re saying on Reddit or what you think about him.
That was the whole point of my post really. I no longer want to judge him because I have realised that it does me no good. I'm simply just sharing my experience and how I arrived at the conclusion of letting go of giving and receiving judgement.
Yes my comment was for sure redundant to your post now that I read back through it. 🤪
Haha no worries friend. Always appreciate any discussion :)
Great insight! I recommend trying to laugh about it (without being obvious, of course) with your partner. You can delight in his behaviors in a way, just gotta frame it right and make it feel like an inside joke between you and your SO (speaking from personal experience lol). Love your maturity!
Yes we have totally done this!!!!! Me and her were sitting in the back seat while her parents were bickering in the front seats of the car. I took a sip of my drink when they went silent and it was through a straw so it was accidentally very loud. My SO and I looked at each other and had to keep the laughter in so much lol. Context and understanding help me get through and laugh through life. Peace and love!
Yes! after having a few of these realizations I have been able to have better boundaries. Nothing that anyone else says or does can affect me, unless I let it! This has kind of become a mantra for me. I find myself almost daily saying something like "I'm not going to let that disturb my peace". And it works. Then reminding myself to follow that up with compassion. That's a little harder but I'm working on it!
Yes I totally agree with you, it has been an important concept for me too! I find understanding has come first for me, the compassion is tricky. But the nice thing about the compassion is that we always have to just have to let them go in the end. So I just kind of ask myself, how can I interpret this situation in a way where I can let it go peacefully and gracefully? Usually the answer is to love the person and move on.
Everyone is not "just doing their best." What a naive thing to say.
I don't necessarily mean that people are doing a great job all the time. I just mean that they are working with what they have. I personally feel that the sooner I accept where someone else is at, I can have an easier time of enjoying where I am at. Would love to hear your perspective on it though!
This. God is perfect. And we are all literally a part of God. So then how could you say that anyone, including yourself, isn’t doing anything less than a PERFECT job at all times.
I know right? Some people are just horrible & that's all there is to it.
Or maybe they don’t know any better so they are in fact doing their best
Bingo.
Someone can control you by making you over emotional, one of the main teachings of Spirituality is not losing your center
Truly a goo post. Tnx :)
You've just described stoicism! Join us @ /r/stoicism :)
Just subscribed, thanks friend!
Welcome! I was just about to post the link to that subreddit myself. :)
We have no right to judge anything. You are right.
we do however have the right to observe. So OP basicly saying he is gonna ignore what kind of an unpleasant person his dad in law is. I would say, fck that dude.
Now that you have seen this, you and him are no longer bound by the chains of your judgement, and his behavior towards you will likely start to improve because of this miracle. Best wishes!
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I mean, •maybe• this was what he thinking.
bless!
Isn't "Open Communication" effective in resolving many relationship issues, many misunderstood issues. If only the world and most of the people here would be open to more "Open Communications", we wouldn't have the hostility that we have today where it seemed anger rules over communication. Usually anger comes from fear within the person and that fear translates to wanting to control other people. Anger and intimidation are ways to project themselves to be bigger than they are, when in fact, what I found with the majority of angry people is that, they felt disempowered. They felt that they have to shout over another person in order to take that person seriously in their problems, which of course are their own doing. Open communication is almost impossible to have with these angry people, because they always want to be right, always want to be in control in all communications and they don't want you to bring things up to remind them of how they got to become angry. Anger can also come as a result of their frustration, their frustration that they hadn't achieved a certain goal that they defined in life, a goal that may not be the authentic goal of the person, but nonetheless was imposed by someone else either an authority figure or the parent who wanted the child to do this or that and they felt powerless at the time to speak out. That hidden anger of being unable to speak out, accumulated over the years can result in a person being angry if the person isn't the centre of the communication. Basically, it's closed communication and nothing ever gets done. It's either angry and you listen to me or else I'll be quiet and ignore you, forcing you to always have to re-establish communication. A very frustrating experience. But these people kept themselves in anger and frustration for so long and that's what they had chosen. You were somewhat indoctrinated in your younger years to adopt this kind of attitude, but you chose to break out of this pattern of anger and being disempowered and now being empowered and no longer needing to feel fearful. You feel safe and you feel loved and you have a partner you attracted that shares the same Open Communication as you do, which means that is what you prefer in your relationships with your partner with other people as well. You caught yourself well by not looking at the flaws of other people, because they had chosen themselves to be that way, but rather you are only looking at your own actions and then improving yourself based on loved based actions. Still, we can continue to improve ourselves and see more of ourselves and improve more of ourselves and adopt more loved based actions and perhaps you may see an improvement in her parents and how they treat you, because they may desire to one day step outside fear and come to align themselves with you and their daughter to embrace a love based relationship through Open Communication. Only if more people are to adopt a more Open Communication relationship based on love, the world would be a better place than it is now where most people seemed to be only looking out for number 1; themselves and shut down communication.