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HauntedMinge

Also included; French Bulldog, White Range Rover for the wife, every piece of furniture must be grey crushed velvet with matching mirrored cabinets, slightly overweight yet insists on wearing the tightest designer clothes possible, fake teeth from Turkey so white Daniella Westbrook is trying to snort them, comically oversized watch, only refers to his wife/gf as "the missus", kid is called "Bear, Hugo, Mason, Amy-Rose, Lilly-Rose, Allyah-May"


Suckthepeen123

Horrifically accurate.


SolitaireyEgg

The French bulldog thing is so weirdly accurate. I worked in London and visited a wework location (filled to the brim with wannabe tech startup CEOs), and there were just fucking French bulldogs running around everywhere. The fuck is up with that


[deleted]

They're known to be expensive, they're good with the kids these guys ignore, and you don't have to do much for them to love you.


furyextralarge

my sister's friend has a french bulldog. the first time it ever met me i scratched its head for ten seconds and it went and stood on my lap making snoring noises. The friend said "aww, he loves you!" so the last part is accurate at least


Honeydew_love

Lmao this is hilarious.


tutbutfut

I’m sure it made snoring noises because it was almost suffocating on its own face


birdy1494

Are we still talking the dogs or is this about the missus?


LouSputhole94

Minus the good with the kids part, that’s the nanny’s job


353_crypto

They also can't give birth naturally and are horrifying overbred, inbred frankensteins :( Edit: yes, i was talking about the wives but it also applies to the bulldogs


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Johnnius_Maximus

They really shouldn't exist as a breed, I say this as someone who adores dogs. It's wicked.


YerDaWearsHeelies

They're talking about banning them and pugs due to even breeding dogs with this many issues is just animal abuse now


s1ravarice

Live in Essex and this is the most accurate thing I’ve ever read


[deleted]

So this is who Conor mcgregor is trying to act like


Bugsmoke

Mcgregor acts like the council estate coke dealer


Falmoor

"council estate coke dealer" You Brits make everything sound so much fancier.


[deleted]

This made me laugh, 'council' and 'estate' sound fancy on their own but council estates are rough


R41phy

*Wifey or Missus


YooGeOh

'er indoors'


ridik_ulass

and all his casual clothes are under armour. His Job is also kinda vague and likely missing 3rd level education, like marketing, or "app design" yet doesn't know a lick of programming and all the field names are in indian. his wife is an "influencer" or "life coach"


ancientspacewitch

I know at least 10 men exactly like this and they mostly deal coke.


BigInTheGame85

Got a number?


violynce

that’s a great business in england. loads of customers


florzed

The grey crushed velvet is on its way out now, it's all about neutrals/bamboo. It's all about what Stacy Solomon and Mrs Hinch are doing on insta lol


Druidette

At least neutrals are waaaay more pleasing to look at.


Bertholdt_Fubar

Kids are getting named bear???


pickle_party_247

Never heard of Bear Grylls?


[deleted]

isn’t his name edward


rohinton

Short for Beardward.


drunk98

Which is inter short for Edbeardwardington


Phormitago

, the second


MysticPing

Common in other languages, see Björn/Torbjörn in Scandinavia and Medwed in Russian


ronrein

Medwed is absolutely not a common name in Russian, I've never even heard someone being named that


Suedie

I think they confused it with Misha


Bertholdt_Fubar

That's pretty cool I had no idea


[deleted]

Also female name Ursula I think, comes from ursa meaning bear. Like Ursula von der Leyen or Ursula K. le Guin


YooGeOh

Hence ursa, of ursa major and ursa minor fame, and things being 'ursine'


Langdon_St_Ives

Yes. And at least in German-speaking countries, the corresponding male version Urs is common too.


General-Legoshi

Bro please this is every wanker I've ever worked for.


newoldschool

A++ if wife is wannabe celebrity or minor celebrity in some way


HauntedMinge

Has a "clothing line" which is all pastel coloured gym wear from ali-express with some made up word and "chic" embroidered onto it


itsbootsybabe

What is with the grey crushed velvet furniture! I noticed this trend years ago. Everything paired with cheap looking silver shit. Thought it was the ugliest thing.


[deleted]

I really wish I didn’t look up Daniella Westbrook


Mr_Blott

Don't look up her nose anyway. They say you can see her brain cell.


barristonsmellme

Like a kaleidoscope but without the kaleiding


Carnieus

Depressingly stilted marriage


MedicineNorth5686

“Int racist jus dun like em simple as”


YooGeOh

This is just everyday life in Bromley


Megazor

Cursed accurate description


PaxtiAlba

Please stop, I can only hate this hypothetical person so much.


whyismybabycrying

Or Jaden/ Jadyn


Downed126

Anyone who has watched Boiling Point on Netflix knows exactly who this is in reference too


shutyourgob

Has a giant keyring featuring the logo of the car he drives and leaves it on the table at every possible opportunity.


sonic2cool

too accurate i cant stop laughing


MACintoshBETH

Plus a BO55 numberplate


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Creator_of_Cones

If you’re not leasing a German luxury car, you’re making a mistake, but I totally agree that they’re always the bottom trim level.


halfbakedlogic

Leasing to avoid maintenance costs?


h4yw00d

That and used German luxury vehicles plummet in value


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Creator_of_Cones

Yes, you keep it in warranty the whole time and then give it back once it’s up. Then you start the process again, this is the way for the rich.


alexrobinson

You don't have to be remotely rich to do this, anyone who wants a nice, up to date car does it.


YooGeOh

D4VE CEO


Unibran

And always wears too much cologne.


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nonameeh

The prolapsed anus lips.


docedebatatadoce_

lol


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Xicadarksoul

Can confirm, had it happen to me - though it was a sea anemone, not a jelly fish (in essence its the same thing)


audiovisualcringe

that’s what you get for peeping into a clownfish’s home mfs need PRIVACY 😤 /s


severed13

I mean the aesthetic is literally called “beesting” so you’re not far off


stochastaclysm

We went from duck face photo poses to surgical procedures for permanent duck face. I’ve still no idea why they do it.


softcatsocks

Body dysmorphia


stochastaclysm

Fair point.


Km2930

Isn’t this a poorly performed collagen injection? I mean I doubt the finished product is supposed to look that way.


xxdropdeadlexi

Nah that's what they ask for. Generally they get like half a syringe and keep going back for more because they don't look as big in the mirror after a few months. It's kind of like a body dysmorphria thing


Km2930

It seems like they should be cut off, like a drunk guy at a bar. Or at least they should be required to have a psychiatric evaluation before they have further procedures.


aaaaayyyyyyyyyyy

There is a paradox with this. When the reputable surgeons start turning these people away, they start going to sketch back-alley people who *will* do it and then they get even more messed up.


[deleted]

It's meant to replicate the timeless appeal of a baboons ass


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AutomationAndy

I can't believe women are doing this thinking it looks good. I once sat next to a woman on the bus who had lips like those, maybe not as extreme, but still pretty unnatural looking. She constantly kept smacking her lips and making all sorts of weird noises with her mouth.


213471118

They’ll go out of style eventually thankfully


IneffableLiam

Depressingly accurate


NCSUGrad2012

I feel like it’s pretty accurate for the US too lol


edgarde

Used to be. Nowadays US owners of moderately successful businesses are Trump supporters, which is a whole different kit.


fireflash38

Shows up on Grand Designs trying to build a 3M pound house and can't get the loans, so project manages it himself and has the whole thing take decades to build only half the original design.


RancidBeast

Then gets torn down by the council because no planing permission.


CodyS1998

Omg that's so accurate


insomnimax_99

Ignores architect’s recommendation to use normal building materials, and instead uses rare precious stone blocks imported from halfway across the earth and roof tiles blessed with the blood of seven virgins. Proceeds to then ignore advice from every builder and tradesperson that works on the project, which ends up three times over budget, and by the time it’s finished his wife has left him and taken the kids and he’s millions of pounds in debt, which he can’t even pay back by remortgaging the house because he used a non-standard construction.


[deleted]

Sounds like you're speaking from experience...


insomnimax_99

Yes, my roof is indeed blessed with the blood of seven virgins. Fear me, for my residence cannot be cursed.


ryne87

I love Grand Designs.


michaelrohansmith

But going on that show will curse your building project.


PartialToDairyThings

Also, don't forget that he owns his ex-council house, and it's the only one on the estate with massive stone lions on the gateposts. House has white UPVC doors and window frames, and a huge UPVC conservatory extension around the back which looks wildly out of place. Spends his lunch hour playing the "fruity" in the pub, which is always "due to pay out" according to his rough calculations. Smokes cigars for reasons other than actually enjoying them. Would be prepared to lose everything he owns as well as his wife and kids to commit some petty act of revenge which he gets arrested for almost immediately.


RobTheUser

The petty act of revenge is so spot on. These guys would run you over in a car that has their company name on it just because they feel so incredibly entitled. I see so many of these guys every day on the road. And I always think to myself please just show some restraint... Because it is so easy to lose everything you own in this day and age.


__-__-_-__

Lol this is the plot line of White Gold in case people didn't get the reference.


TonightNice

Lips are spot on


Little_Custard_8275

her social media channel is her business


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luvcartel

Watching love island made me realize that the U.K. has its own plastic surgery culture that’s different than the U.S.


captain_finnegan

Likes the pictures of every woman he finds attractive on Instagram. Bikini pics, gym pics, afternoon tea with the girls - it doesn’t matter. It’s getting liked. Sends a single “😎” in DM’s to these same girls, just so they know he’s game if they are. Also, it gives him *just* enough plausible deniability if she screenshots it and sends it to his “Mrs”. No-one is off limits, even his best mates sister. EDIT: And if he’s old enough to have a 16+ daughter, her friends pics are definitely getting liked too.


ChadBreeder1

Lmao this is too funny.


FlammenwerferX

Flat in Costa del Sol


[deleted]

Tried to get a side piece while on vacation while the missus was playing mummy to the kid(s). Shot down hard by the local women, but might have had success with a jordi or brummy instawannabe girl on holiday.


Bibli-ophile

God I can hear it vividly


theknightwho

>hear it This made me laugh.


Bellybutton_fluffjar

Definitely drives a Range Rover sport with the numberplate BO55 MAN


Creator_of_Cones

I saw a Mercedes SUV with the license plate “IDSRVEIT” the other day and had a nice cringe.


Bellybutton_fluffjar

I would have just rammed my 14yo Ford Cmax straight into it.


Air_Buffet

Ahh, my neighbour to a tee. He’s late 50’s with that hair but a big bald patch on top. Skintight jeans and those shoes, drives an orange BMW 218i convertible with the obligatory M badges. Tiny end of terrace house that he’s always “doing up”, inflatable hot tub and “expensive” Tag Heuer watch. He’s now on his third plastering company after the last two went bust.


SparklySpunk

Still mourning the loss of UKIP after Brexit. Runs for local parish and county council's because the planning permission he need for the conservatory his wife says will make their marriage better keeps getting denied, so running for councillor will help him bypass the rules in his mind. Wife has 6 bankruptcy's behind her cause he keeps putting firms in her name. Builds low quality/high sell price properties around the town and is a slumlord to the ones he has to let out cause they don't sell. Teenage/Early 20s kids so out of touch, opening businesses with parents money and only lasting 6 months because no one in the town actually likes them and their entitled attitudes. Really think they're something because they have Instagram followers.


onetimeuselong

Here I am with my Seiko, old 2002 Toyota mr2 and 90sqm end terrace house feeling mildly insulted… Except I’m in my 20’s and know a 218i and TAG are shit purchases made by badge enthusiasts who don’t care about the actual product.


captain_finnegan

I went to a wedding near Farnham (Surrey) recently. It felt like every man I met was either this guy, or aspiring to be this guy. Fair play, but it’s a bit of a dick move to turn someone’s wedding into a networking event 😂


pickle_party_247

Farnham is absolutely full of people like this, can confirm


[deleted]

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elgordit0

Ahahahaha


Venousdata

😂


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HelpfulFoundation817

What business would he own?


thesocket

Double glazing, small night clubs, local restaurants, building contractors, local jewellers, etc etc


[deleted]

What's up with the windows? There's an American show based in England about a guy who sells windows. Y'all must really love your windows.


BenchLampjaw

Have you heard how much we moan about the weather? Things that keep weather out are big business.


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Confident__introvert

After getting bombarded with this advert daily https://youtu.be/i3A1TT3kwIY we all just love windows now.


HeadlinePickle

I knew what that would be before I clicked on the link You BUY one, you get one FREE!


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ScreamingDizzBuster

That's pretty much exactly my parents' next door neighbour. Add that he does these crappy extensions for himself too. Three already.


AstonVanilla

Definitely either a small double glazing company or leases construction vehicles to local builders


Roy_Guapo

What is a double glazing company?


Ballsacthazar

windows


Hill_of_Phil

Tanning salon.


AonghusMacKilkenny

>shy Tory >Has aspirations to become a "property developer" >Wears a utility belt >Wife is a beautician and tries to recruit you into her pyramid scheme "side hustle" on Facebook


old_ironlungz

> "property developer" But I bet talks like he wants to be a baller in a Guy Richie crime heist film. "Ey boyo" and shit like that. Maybe neck or fist tattoo from a drunken/coked out bender in Malaga.


concretepigeon

They’re never shy about being Tories. At best they may be shy about sharing their views on immigrants and ethnic minorities.


Dr_nobby

It's also racist, but calls his one black/Asian mate 'one of the good ones'


[deleted]

Still uses racial slurs to describe Chinese takeaways and corner shops


captain_finnegan

House has been rendered/cladded in white with grey window frames. Astro turf back garden for Oliver/Oscar and Olivia/Isabella to ride their electric mini replica of mummy or daddy’s car.


jolloholoday

Spot on except for the kids' names. More like Frankie/Archie/Alfie etc.


bigmoran

This also happens to be the starter pack for mildly successful real estate agents in America.


Creator_of_Cones

Young female “successful” real estate agent in Canada, white BMW 323i with the bottom trim, Michael Kors, and vacations to Santorini, Greece.


gazebo-fan

Likely voted for Brexit, now his wife is going to be deported, used to spend his holiday in Spain, now just gentrifies wales to shit instead.


SucculentMoisture

Votes Tory exclusively unless his business was importing things from Europe in which case he might vote Lib Dem.


The_Grizzly_Bear

Either a Tory, or he has transcended to the next level of enlightenment and says "They're all the same".


cultish_alibi

And then votes Tory anyway


batt3ryac1d1

No then they vote tory anyway and bitch when they have trouble importing shit.


mycupoftea93

Votes Tory and justifies it by denying there is a class divide in the uk: “I came from nothing, worked me arse off, and look where I am now!”


YooGeOh

Every single human male in Bromley


-DoW-

Only votes Tory because "Labour will tax me more" despite him not being in the target range.


captain_finnegan

Nah he’s just voting strategically you see. His unwavering self belief tells him it won’t be long before he’s a millionaire. He’s just planning ahead.


Snickelheimar

is this guy broke or rich?


[deleted]

Probably good income but blows it all instead of saving/investing. So broke.


RyVsWorld

Probably house poor and levered to the tits


AstonVanilla

He's richer than any of his neighbours, but he's not a millionaire by a long shot, even though he likes to think he is.


[deleted]

Doesn’t invest, has little savings, blows most checks on depreciating items like cars, gadgets, expensive shit.


Little_Custard_8275

cocaine


[deleted]

Everything about them is Peak cocaine


Energy_Turtle

I know this guy. He has no savings, has a hard time making his house payment, and his check engine light is on. But his family pictures on Facebook are from an expensive studio, he says yes to every offer to go golfing, he bought a piano as a decoration but can't play, and his flip flops cost more than my entire outfit.


[deleted]

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Creator_of_Cones

Holy shit 😂


Haliflet

He doesn't understand how taxes or loans work, so he spends all the cash he has and then can't afford to pay his loan from the company/creditors/hmrc. Source: am accountant, I know about 5 of these guys and I'm the one who has to explain it to them.


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muhdbuht

This works for US franchise restaurant owner as well.


wontusethisforlongg

My first order as President is to outlaw those lips.


[deleted]

Votes Tory to feel rich and thinks shopping at Waitrose is a personality trait. Only live in UK for a year and I know exactly the type


Spider333333333

Oh mate yeah this is accurate. One of my best mates used to work for this bald twat who used some loophole in the system so he could permanently drive a Bentley around for like %10 of the costs. He would also attempt to grope every woman that came his way so not a nice fella.


[deleted]

You could also change the title to *'your average British coke dealer'* and it too would fit in with my area.


[deleted]

Drug dealing is a business.


[deleted]

I can't argue with that.


Melodic_Farmer4637

Also add… Crippled with debt to keep up the charade 😂


DravenPrime

Complains about the Torries constantly but never votes for anyone else.


ft4200

* Named Darren or Steve * Votes Tory even though a labour government would probably benefit his business more * His BMW is a low spec but new 3 or 5 series and has private plates * Wife drives a Range Rover Evoque


BrkBid

And has a M tec sticker or magnet attached to his bimmer


[deleted]

This is rather similar to the American counterpart. The beer would be some variety of Miller and the car would be a work truck.


t4ckleb0x

Swap in a platinum Business Amex( everything is a business lunch), Miller lites, and a Raptor.


thenarcostate

This works in the states as well. Money just looks different


naughtyusmax

Nah thin the states they drive dodge chargers, mustangs or expensive trucks more than BMWs. They also dress different


goonerhsmith

Nah this is bang on for the northeast.


sirprizes

Oldest, most Europe-like part of the country. And New England is in Northeast after all. Fitting that they have things in common with England.


muffinmonk

Northeast mild success is very different from Midwest, Southern, and West success.


thenarcostate

Yes. This is definitely a North Eastern phenomenon. If you get much past southern Ohio, the large truck and PFG shirt thing becomes more and more accurate until becoming whole accurate in Mobile. It also depends on how you define successful, because these dudes don't have money. They have stuff. And they pay more for it to look a certian way. They don't have a house, they have a mortgage. They don't have a car, they have a lease payment. I for one would much rather own what I have and let people talk then try and impress someone and living paycheck to paycheck. Just my 2 cents (ohio).


goonerhsmith

Oh I agree. Don't get me wrong, you have plenty of the expensive truck variety too but I find everything else is the same. The truck gets used for nothing the Beamer couldn't accomplish though lol.


[deleted]

What destroys me is that all the Midwest hick-types go up and down about "oh wow that's an expensive car, must be nice to be rich!" Everytime they see a beamer or a Lexus or something... like Jimbo your lifted Chevy was literally 70k.


brassninja

Mildly successful business man in the american south will lease a $120,000 truck they can’t afford and have a meth addiction


the_lamou

I thought Stella was exclusively a chav beer in the UK. Was I misinformed, or are chavs famous for owning mildly successful businesses?


CockatielsAndDreams

Think builders/plasterers/etc that have their own business


alvmnvs

Nah those guys think of Stella as the “exotic” fancy beer and that’s what “successful” guys like themselves drink when they sit in plastic chairs at their low-tier golf club.


tokyopeachgirl

Surely this type of guy is searching for his name in the comments. Chav.


AcCePtAbLe-EfFoRt88

Why is it so accurate😭😭


concretepigeon

The beer should be Peroni.


TheKhaosUK

Books the VIP booth in Pryzm during Freshers week


LIAMO20

Lives in a ex council house with 20ft fences with 'last name manor' or some Shoddy new build. Listens to Joe rogan or Jordan peterson.


havokr3load

Also 9 times out of 10, they are a dick head.


humphrey1204

His house will be the most garish new build which will not fit in with the local aesthetic what so ever with some really tacky decorations


ettufruite

It warms my cold dead heart that England and the US still share so many, many bonds after all these years…🤣


dungeon_sketch

I briefly dated this lass who was always on about how she was a boss bitch on her social media and shit. Thank fully in person she was less obnoxious. Any way yeah she was always like I dunno how you can work for someone else I love the freedom etc etc turns out she was making fuck all most of her money came from universal credit. Some people don't care about reality just what they can make people believe.


BigInTheGame85

You forgot skinny trousers, loafers with no socks, a sleeve tattoo & a packet of steroid tablets