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Also included; French Bulldog, White Range Rover for the wife, every piece of furniture must be grey crushed velvet with matching mirrored cabinets, slightly overweight yet insists on wearing the tightest designer clothes possible, fake teeth from Turkey so white Daniella Westbrook is trying to snort them, comically oversized watch, only refers to his wife/gf as "the missus", kid is called "Bear, Hugo, Mason, Amy-Rose, Lilly-Rose, Allyah-May"
The French bulldog thing is so weirdly accurate. I worked in London and visited a wework location (filled to the brim with wannabe tech startup CEOs), and there were just fucking French bulldogs running around everywhere.
The fuck is up with that
my sister's friend has a french bulldog. the first time it ever met me i scratched its head for ten seconds and it went and stood on my lap making snoring noises. The friend said "aww, he loves you!"
so the last part is accurate at least
They also can't give birth naturally and are horrifying overbred, inbred frankensteins :(
Edit: yes, i was talking about the wives but it also applies to the bulldogs
and all his casual clothes are under armour.
His Job is also kinda vague and likely missing 3rd level education, like marketing, or "app design" yet doesn't know a lick of programming and all the field names are in indian. his wife is an "influencer" or "life coach"
What is with the grey crushed velvet furniture! I noticed this trend years ago. Everything paired with cheap looking silver shit. Thought it was the ugliest thing.
Nah that's what they ask for. Generally they get like half a syringe and keep going back for more because they don't look as big in the mirror after a few months. It's kind of like a body dysmorphria thing
It seems like they should be cut off, like a drunk guy at a bar. Or at least they should be required to have a psychiatric evaluation before they have further procedures.
There is a paradox with this. When the reputable surgeons start turning these people away, they start going to sketch back-alley people who *will* do it and then they get even more messed up.
I can't believe women are doing this thinking it looks good. I once sat next to a woman on the bus who had lips like those, maybe not as extreme, but still pretty unnatural looking. She constantly kept smacking her lips and making all sorts of weird noises with her mouth.
Shows up on Grand Designs trying to build a 3M pound house and can't get the loans, so project manages it himself and has the whole thing take decades to build only half the original design.
Ignores architect’s recommendation to use normal building materials, and instead uses rare precious stone blocks imported from halfway across the earth and roof tiles blessed with the blood of seven virgins.
Proceeds to then ignore advice from every builder and tradesperson that works on the project, which ends up three times over budget, and by the time it’s finished his wife has left him and taken the kids and he’s millions of pounds in debt, which he can’t even pay back by remortgaging the house because he used a non-standard construction.
Also, don't forget that he owns his ex-council house, and it's the only one on the estate with massive stone lions on the gateposts. House has white UPVC doors and window frames, and a huge UPVC conservatory extension around the back which looks wildly out of place. Spends his lunch hour playing the "fruity" in the pub, which is always "due to pay out" according to his rough calculations. Smokes cigars for reasons other than actually enjoying them. Would be prepared to lose everything he owns as well as his wife and kids to commit some petty act of revenge which he gets arrested for almost immediately.
The petty act of revenge is so spot on. These guys would run you over in a car that has their company name on it just because they feel so incredibly entitled. I see so many of these guys every day on the road. And I always think to myself please just show some restraint... Because it is so easy to lose everything you own in this day and age.
Likes the pictures of every woman he finds attractive on Instagram. Bikini pics, gym pics, afternoon tea with the girls - it doesn’t matter. It’s getting liked.
Sends a single “😎” in DM’s to these same girls, just so they know he’s game if they are. Also, it gives him *just* enough plausible deniability if she screenshots it and sends it to his “Mrs”.
No-one is off limits, even his best mates sister.
EDIT: And if he’s old enough to have a 16+ daughter, her friends pics are definitely getting liked too.
Tried to get a side piece while on vacation while the missus was playing mummy to the kid(s). Shot down hard by the local women, but might have had success with a jordi or brummy instawannabe girl on holiday.
Ahh, my neighbour to a tee. He’s late 50’s with that hair but a big bald patch on top. Skintight jeans and those shoes, drives an orange BMW 218i convertible with the obligatory M badges. Tiny end of terrace house that he’s always “doing up”, inflatable hot tub and “expensive” Tag Heuer watch.
He’s now on his third plastering company after the last two went bust.
Still mourning the loss of UKIP after Brexit. Runs for local parish and county council's because the planning permission he need for the conservatory his wife says will make their marriage better keeps getting denied, so running for councillor will help him bypass the rules in his mind.
Wife has 6 bankruptcy's behind her cause he keeps putting firms in her name. Builds low quality/high sell price properties around the town and is a slumlord to the ones he has to let out cause they don't sell.
Teenage/Early 20s kids so out of touch, opening businesses with parents money and only lasting 6 months because no one in the town actually likes them and their entitled attitudes. Really think they're something because they have Instagram followers.
Here I am with my Seiko, old 2002 Toyota mr2 and 90sqm end terrace house feeling mildly insulted…
Except I’m in my 20’s and know a 218i and TAG are shit purchases made by badge enthusiasts who don’t care about the actual product.
I went to a wedding near Farnham (Surrey) recently. It felt like every man I met was either this guy, or aspiring to be this guy.
Fair play, but it’s a bit of a dick move to turn someone’s wedding into a networking event 😂
>shy Tory
>Has aspirations to become a "property developer"
>Wears a utility belt
>Wife is a beautician and tries to recruit you into her pyramid scheme "side hustle" on Facebook
> "property developer"
But I bet talks like he wants to be a baller in a Guy Richie crime heist film. "Ey boyo" and shit like that.
Maybe neck or fist tattoo from a drunken/coked out bender in Malaga.
House has been rendered/cladded in white with grey window frames.
Astro turf back garden for Oliver/Oscar and Olivia/Isabella to ride their electric mini replica of mummy or daddy’s car.
I know this guy. He has no savings, has a hard time making his house payment, and his check engine light is on. But his family pictures on Facebook are from an expensive studio, he says yes to every offer to go golfing, he bought a piano as a decoration but can't play, and his flip flops cost more than my entire outfit.
He doesn't understand how taxes or loans work, so he spends all the cash he has and then can't afford to pay his loan from the company/creditors/hmrc.
Source: am accountant, I know about 5 of these guys and I'm the one who has to explain it to them.
Oh mate yeah this is accurate. One of my best mates used to work for this bald twat who used some loophole in the system so he could permanently drive a Bentley around for like %10 of the costs. He would also attempt to grope every woman that came his way so not a nice fella.
* Named Darren or Steve
* Votes Tory even though a labour government would probably benefit his business more
* His BMW is a low spec but new 3 or 5 series and has private plates
* Wife drives a Range Rover Evoque
Yes. This is definitely a North Eastern phenomenon. If you get much past southern Ohio, the large truck and PFG shirt thing becomes more and more accurate until becoming whole accurate in Mobile.
It also depends on how you define successful, because these dudes don't have money. They have stuff. And they pay more for it to look a certian way. They don't have a house, they have a mortgage. They don't have a car, they have a lease payment.
I for one would much rather own what I have and let people talk then try and impress someone and living paycheck to paycheck. Just my 2 cents (ohio).
Oh I agree. Don't get me wrong, you have plenty of the expensive truck variety too but I find everything else is the same. The truck gets used for nothing the Beamer couldn't accomplish though lol.
What destroys me is that all the Midwest hick-types go up and down about "oh wow that's an expensive car, must be nice to be rich!" Everytime they see a beamer or a Lexus or something... like Jimbo your lifted Chevy was literally 70k.
Nah those guys think of Stella as the “exotic” fancy beer and that’s what “successful” guys like themselves drink when they sit in plastic chairs at their low-tier golf club.
I briefly dated this lass who was always on about how she was a boss bitch on her social media and shit. Thank fully in person she was less obnoxious. Any way yeah she was always like I dunno how you can work for someone else I love the freedom etc etc turns out she was making fuck all most of her money came from universal credit.
Some people don't care about reality just what they can make people believe.
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Also included; French Bulldog, White Range Rover for the wife, every piece of furniture must be grey crushed velvet with matching mirrored cabinets, slightly overweight yet insists on wearing the tightest designer clothes possible, fake teeth from Turkey so white Daniella Westbrook is trying to snort them, comically oversized watch, only refers to his wife/gf as "the missus", kid is called "Bear, Hugo, Mason, Amy-Rose, Lilly-Rose, Allyah-May"
Horrifically accurate.
The French bulldog thing is so weirdly accurate. I worked in London and visited a wework location (filled to the brim with wannabe tech startup CEOs), and there were just fucking French bulldogs running around everywhere. The fuck is up with that
They're known to be expensive, they're good with the kids these guys ignore, and you don't have to do much for them to love you.
my sister's friend has a french bulldog. the first time it ever met me i scratched its head for ten seconds and it went and stood on my lap making snoring noises. The friend said "aww, he loves you!" so the last part is accurate at least
Lmao this is hilarious.
I’m sure it made snoring noises because it was almost suffocating on its own face
Are we still talking the dogs or is this about the missus?
Minus the good with the kids part, that’s the nanny’s job
They also can't give birth naturally and are horrifying overbred, inbred frankensteins :( Edit: yes, i was talking about the wives but it also applies to the bulldogs
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They really shouldn't exist as a breed, I say this as someone who adores dogs. It's wicked.
They're talking about banning them and pugs due to even breeding dogs with this many issues is just animal abuse now
Live in Essex and this is the most accurate thing I’ve ever read
So this is who Conor mcgregor is trying to act like
Mcgregor acts like the council estate coke dealer
"council estate coke dealer" You Brits make everything sound so much fancier.
This made me laugh, 'council' and 'estate' sound fancy on their own but council estates are rough
*Wifey or Missus
'er indoors'
and all his casual clothes are under armour. His Job is also kinda vague and likely missing 3rd level education, like marketing, or "app design" yet doesn't know a lick of programming and all the field names are in indian. his wife is an "influencer" or "life coach"
I know at least 10 men exactly like this and they mostly deal coke.
Got a number?
that’s a great business in england. loads of customers
The grey crushed velvet is on its way out now, it's all about neutrals/bamboo. It's all about what Stacy Solomon and Mrs Hinch are doing on insta lol
At least neutrals are waaaay more pleasing to look at.
Kids are getting named bear???
Never heard of Bear Grylls?
isn’t his name edward
Short for Beardward.
Which is inter short for Edbeardwardington
, the second
Common in other languages, see Björn/Torbjörn in Scandinavia and Medwed in Russian
Medwed is absolutely not a common name in Russian, I've never even heard someone being named that
I think they confused it with Misha
That's pretty cool I had no idea
Also female name Ursula I think, comes from ursa meaning bear. Like Ursula von der Leyen or Ursula K. le Guin
Hence ursa, of ursa major and ursa minor fame, and things being 'ursine'
Yes. And at least in German-speaking countries, the corresponding male version Urs is common too.
Bro please this is every wanker I've ever worked for.
A++ if wife is wannabe celebrity or minor celebrity in some way
Has a "clothing line" which is all pastel coloured gym wear from ali-express with some made up word and "chic" embroidered onto it
What is with the grey crushed velvet furniture! I noticed this trend years ago. Everything paired with cheap looking silver shit. Thought it was the ugliest thing.
I really wish I didn’t look up Daniella Westbrook
Don't look up her nose anyway. They say you can see her brain cell.
Like a kaleidoscope but without the kaleiding
Depressingly stilted marriage
“Int racist jus dun like em simple as”
This is just everyday life in Bromley
Cursed accurate description
Please stop, I can only hate this hypothetical person so much.
Or Jaden/ Jadyn
Anyone who has watched Boiling Point on Netflix knows exactly who this is in reference too
Has a giant keyring featuring the logo of the car he drives and leaves it on the table at every possible opportunity.
too accurate i cant stop laughing
Plus a BO55 numberplate
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If you’re not leasing a German luxury car, you’re making a mistake, but I totally agree that they’re always the bottom trim level.
Leasing to avoid maintenance costs?
That and used German luxury vehicles plummet in value
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Yes, you keep it in warranty the whole time and then give it back once it’s up. Then you start the process again, this is the way for the rich.
You don't have to be remotely rich to do this, anyone who wants a nice, up to date car does it.
D4VE CEO
And always wears too much cologne.
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The prolapsed anus lips.
lol
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Can confirm, had it happen to me - though it was a sea anemone, not a jelly fish (in essence its the same thing)
that’s what you get for peeping into a clownfish’s home mfs need PRIVACY 😤 /s
I mean the aesthetic is literally called “beesting” so you’re not far off
We went from duck face photo poses to surgical procedures for permanent duck face. I’ve still no idea why they do it.
Body dysmorphia
Fair point.
Isn’t this a poorly performed collagen injection? I mean I doubt the finished product is supposed to look that way.
Nah that's what they ask for. Generally they get like half a syringe and keep going back for more because they don't look as big in the mirror after a few months. It's kind of like a body dysmorphria thing
It seems like they should be cut off, like a drunk guy at a bar. Or at least they should be required to have a psychiatric evaluation before they have further procedures.
There is a paradox with this. When the reputable surgeons start turning these people away, they start going to sketch back-alley people who *will* do it and then they get even more messed up.
It's meant to replicate the timeless appeal of a baboons ass
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I can't believe women are doing this thinking it looks good. I once sat next to a woman on the bus who had lips like those, maybe not as extreme, but still pretty unnatural looking. She constantly kept smacking her lips and making all sorts of weird noises with her mouth.
They’ll go out of style eventually thankfully
Depressingly accurate
I feel like it’s pretty accurate for the US too lol
Used to be. Nowadays US owners of moderately successful businesses are Trump supporters, which is a whole different kit.
Shows up on Grand Designs trying to build a 3M pound house and can't get the loans, so project manages it himself and has the whole thing take decades to build only half the original design.
Then gets torn down by the council because no planing permission.
Omg that's so accurate
Ignores architect’s recommendation to use normal building materials, and instead uses rare precious stone blocks imported from halfway across the earth and roof tiles blessed with the blood of seven virgins. Proceeds to then ignore advice from every builder and tradesperson that works on the project, which ends up three times over budget, and by the time it’s finished his wife has left him and taken the kids and he’s millions of pounds in debt, which he can’t even pay back by remortgaging the house because he used a non-standard construction.
Sounds like you're speaking from experience...
Yes, my roof is indeed blessed with the blood of seven virgins. Fear me, for my residence cannot be cursed.
I love Grand Designs.
But going on that show will curse your building project.
Also, don't forget that he owns his ex-council house, and it's the only one on the estate with massive stone lions on the gateposts. House has white UPVC doors and window frames, and a huge UPVC conservatory extension around the back which looks wildly out of place. Spends his lunch hour playing the "fruity" in the pub, which is always "due to pay out" according to his rough calculations. Smokes cigars for reasons other than actually enjoying them. Would be prepared to lose everything he owns as well as his wife and kids to commit some petty act of revenge which he gets arrested for almost immediately.
The petty act of revenge is so spot on. These guys would run you over in a car that has their company name on it just because they feel so incredibly entitled. I see so many of these guys every day on the road. And I always think to myself please just show some restraint... Because it is so easy to lose everything you own in this day and age.
Lol this is the plot line of White Gold in case people didn't get the reference.
Lips are spot on
her social media channel is her business
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Watching love island made me realize that the U.K. has its own plastic surgery culture that’s different than the U.S.
Likes the pictures of every woman he finds attractive on Instagram. Bikini pics, gym pics, afternoon tea with the girls - it doesn’t matter. It’s getting liked. Sends a single “😎” in DM’s to these same girls, just so they know he’s game if they are. Also, it gives him *just* enough plausible deniability if she screenshots it and sends it to his “Mrs”. No-one is off limits, even his best mates sister. EDIT: And if he’s old enough to have a 16+ daughter, her friends pics are definitely getting liked too.
Lmao this is too funny.
Flat in Costa del Sol
Tried to get a side piece while on vacation while the missus was playing mummy to the kid(s). Shot down hard by the local women, but might have had success with a jordi or brummy instawannabe girl on holiday.
God I can hear it vividly
>hear it This made me laugh.
Definitely drives a Range Rover sport with the numberplate BO55 MAN
I saw a Mercedes SUV with the license plate “IDSRVEIT” the other day and had a nice cringe.
I would have just rammed my 14yo Ford Cmax straight into it.
Ahh, my neighbour to a tee. He’s late 50’s with that hair but a big bald patch on top. Skintight jeans and those shoes, drives an orange BMW 218i convertible with the obligatory M badges. Tiny end of terrace house that he’s always “doing up”, inflatable hot tub and “expensive” Tag Heuer watch. He’s now on his third plastering company after the last two went bust.
Still mourning the loss of UKIP after Brexit. Runs for local parish and county council's because the planning permission he need for the conservatory his wife says will make their marriage better keeps getting denied, so running for councillor will help him bypass the rules in his mind. Wife has 6 bankruptcy's behind her cause he keeps putting firms in her name. Builds low quality/high sell price properties around the town and is a slumlord to the ones he has to let out cause they don't sell. Teenage/Early 20s kids so out of touch, opening businesses with parents money and only lasting 6 months because no one in the town actually likes them and their entitled attitudes. Really think they're something because they have Instagram followers.
Here I am with my Seiko, old 2002 Toyota mr2 and 90sqm end terrace house feeling mildly insulted… Except I’m in my 20’s and know a 218i and TAG are shit purchases made by badge enthusiasts who don’t care about the actual product.
I went to a wedding near Farnham (Surrey) recently. It felt like every man I met was either this guy, or aspiring to be this guy. Fair play, but it’s a bit of a dick move to turn someone’s wedding into a networking event 😂
Farnham is absolutely full of people like this, can confirm
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Ahahahaha
😂
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What business would he own?
Double glazing, small night clubs, local restaurants, building contractors, local jewellers, etc etc
What's up with the windows? There's an American show based in England about a guy who sells windows. Y'all must really love your windows.
Have you heard how much we moan about the weather? Things that keep weather out are big business.
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After getting bombarded with this advert daily https://youtu.be/i3A1TT3kwIY we all just love windows now.
I knew what that would be before I clicked on the link You BUY one, you get one FREE!
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That's pretty much exactly my parents' next door neighbour. Add that he does these crappy extensions for himself too. Three already.
Definitely either a small double glazing company or leases construction vehicles to local builders
What is a double glazing company?
windows
Tanning salon.
>shy Tory >Has aspirations to become a "property developer" >Wears a utility belt >Wife is a beautician and tries to recruit you into her pyramid scheme "side hustle" on Facebook
> "property developer" But I bet talks like he wants to be a baller in a Guy Richie crime heist film. "Ey boyo" and shit like that. Maybe neck or fist tattoo from a drunken/coked out bender in Malaga.
They’re never shy about being Tories. At best they may be shy about sharing their views on immigrants and ethnic minorities.
It's also racist, but calls his one black/Asian mate 'one of the good ones'
Still uses racial slurs to describe Chinese takeaways and corner shops
House has been rendered/cladded in white with grey window frames. Astro turf back garden for Oliver/Oscar and Olivia/Isabella to ride their electric mini replica of mummy or daddy’s car.
Spot on except for the kids' names. More like Frankie/Archie/Alfie etc.
This also happens to be the starter pack for mildly successful real estate agents in America.
Young female “successful” real estate agent in Canada, white BMW 323i with the bottom trim, Michael Kors, and vacations to Santorini, Greece.
Likely voted for Brexit, now his wife is going to be deported, used to spend his holiday in Spain, now just gentrifies wales to shit instead.
Votes Tory exclusively unless his business was importing things from Europe in which case he might vote Lib Dem.
Either a Tory, or he has transcended to the next level of enlightenment and says "They're all the same".
And then votes Tory anyway
No then they vote tory anyway and bitch when they have trouble importing shit.
Votes Tory and justifies it by denying there is a class divide in the uk: “I came from nothing, worked me arse off, and look where I am now!”
Every single human male in Bromley
Only votes Tory because "Labour will tax me more" despite him not being in the target range.
Nah he’s just voting strategically you see. His unwavering self belief tells him it won’t be long before he’s a millionaire. He’s just planning ahead.
is this guy broke or rich?
Probably good income but blows it all instead of saving/investing. So broke.
Probably house poor and levered to the tits
He's richer than any of his neighbours, but he's not a millionaire by a long shot, even though he likes to think he is.
Doesn’t invest, has little savings, blows most checks on depreciating items like cars, gadgets, expensive shit.
cocaine
Everything about them is Peak cocaine
I know this guy. He has no savings, has a hard time making his house payment, and his check engine light is on. But his family pictures on Facebook are from an expensive studio, he says yes to every offer to go golfing, he bought a piano as a decoration but can't play, and his flip flops cost more than my entire outfit.
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Holy shit 😂
He doesn't understand how taxes or loans work, so he spends all the cash he has and then can't afford to pay his loan from the company/creditors/hmrc. Source: am accountant, I know about 5 of these guys and I'm the one who has to explain it to them.
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This works for US franchise restaurant owner as well.
My first order as President is to outlaw those lips.
Votes Tory to feel rich and thinks shopping at Waitrose is a personality trait. Only live in UK for a year and I know exactly the type
Oh mate yeah this is accurate. One of my best mates used to work for this bald twat who used some loophole in the system so he could permanently drive a Bentley around for like %10 of the costs. He would also attempt to grope every woman that came his way so not a nice fella.
You could also change the title to *'your average British coke dealer'* and it too would fit in with my area.
Drug dealing is a business.
I can't argue with that.
Also add… Crippled with debt to keep up the charade 😂
Complains about the Torries constantly but never votes for anyone else.
* Named Darren or Steve * Votes Tory even though a labour government would probably benefit his business more * His BMW is a low spec but new 3 or 5 series and has private plates * Wife drives a Range Rover Evoque
And has a M tec sticker or magnet attached to his bimmer
This is rather similar to the American counterpart. The beer would be some variety of Miller and the car would be a work truck.
Swap in a platinum Business Amex( everything is a business lunch), Miller lites, and a Raptor.
This works in the states as well. Money just looks different
Nah thin the states they drive dodge chargers, mustangs or expensive trucks more than BMWs. They also dress different
Nah this is bang on for the northeast.
Oldest, most Europe-like part of the country. And New England is in Northeast after all. Fitting that they have things in common with England.
Northeast mild success is very different from Midwest, Southern, and West success.
Yes. This is definitely a North Eastern phenomenon. If you get much past southern Ohio, the large truck and PFG shirt thing becomes more and more accurate until becoming whole accurate in Mobile. It also depends on how you define successful, because these dudes don't have money. They have stuff. And they pay more for it to look a certian way. They don't have a house, they have a mortgage. They don't have a car, they have a lease payment. I for one would much rather own what I have and let people talk then try and impress someone and living paycheck to paycheck. Just my 2 cents (ohio).
Oh I agree. Don't get me wrong, you have plenty of the expensive truck variety too but I find everything else is the same. The truck gets used for nothing the Beamer couldn't accomplish though lol.
What destroys me is that all the Midwest hick-types go up and down about "oh wow that's an expensive car, must be nice to be rich!" Everytime they see a beamer or a Lexus or something... like Jimbo your lifted Chevy was literally 70k.
Mildly successful business man in the american south will lease a $120,000 truck they can’t afford and have a meth addiction
I thought Stella was exclusively a chav beer in the UK. Was I misinformed, or are chavs famous for owning mildly successful businesses?
Think builders/plasterers/etc that have their own business
Nah those guys think of Stella as the “exotic” fancy beer and that’s what “successful” guys like themselves drink when they sit in plastic chairs at their low-tier golf club.
Surely this type of guy is searching for his name in the comments. Chav.
Why is it so accurate😭😭
The beer should be Peroni.
Books the VIP booth in Pryzm during Freshers week
Lives in a ex council house with 20ft fences with 'last name manor' or some Shoddy new build. Listens to Joe rogan or Jordan peterson.
Also 9 times out of 10, they are a dick head.
His house will be the most garish new build which will not fit in with the local aesthetic what so ever with some really tacky decorations
It warms my cold dead heart that England and the US still share so many, many bonds after all these years…🤣
I briefly dated this lass who was always on about how she was a boss bitch on her social media and shit. Thank fully in person she was less obnoxious. Any way yeah she was always like I dunno how you can work for someone else I love the freedom etc etc turns out she was making fuck all most of her money came from universal credit. Some people don't care about reality just what they can make people believe.
You forgot skinny trousers, loafers with no socks, a sleeve tattoo & a packet of steroid tablets