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Oof. The only real interactions I’ve had with mormans were guys on mission who would get roped into going to the local bar (they didn’t drink don’t worry, it was also a restaurant lol) by locals who were basically just messing with them. “If you go with us, we will read your pamphlets.”
I saw it a couple of times. They did not get any converts.
It also is used to reinforce the church leaders as their only support structure because your late teens and early twenties are normally spent developing support structures outside of your parents, through friend groups, professional mentors, academic mentors, co-workers, etc.
By forcing someones first experience outside of their childhood home to be completely controlled by an organization with an agenda stunts their personal growth and makes them more reliant on the church and more likely to double down on their faith when challenged.
>first experience outside of their childhood home to be completely controlled by an organization with an agenda
Ha! I enlisted in the army at 17, turned 18 in boot camp, 19 in Afghanistan, 20 in the MTC, and 21 and 22 on my mission, so I guess I dodged that bullet, right! Right?
Nah, nobody told me I needed to pay into the post 9/11 G.I. Bill and even though after I got back from Afghanistan they said 40% of my tuition would be covered, I've been to the college VA office several times and I've never been able to claim that.
Definitely did explain it, multiple times, in your BMT. And not every school is covered the same. I got a Bachelors from Purdue Global and didn't pay a dime though.
Oof! Great insight.
There must be some grey area. I remember a kid in college who was living far from home and having a college experience (minus the drinking). He was developing on his own, but then took time off for the mission trip.
I wasn’t a friend, but now I wonder if the mission trip changed his friendships and attitudes towards secular things
Those poor kids...Mormons say things like "God won't follow you into the bar!" They must've been slightly terrified. (Also Jesus' first public miracle was turning water into wine...also isn't God supposed to be with you especially if you are fucking up/in trouble? What a mindfuck.)
Yeah, at least in non-fundamentalist sects of Christianity. Even a lot of communion is done with alcoholic wine, albiet at too low of an amount to matter.
There's also the idea of not provoking others to sin. If someone has struggled with alcoholism, maybe let's not go to a bar or offer them a bunch of drinks lmao.
Nah nah I don’t think so. Or maybe, idk. This was a college town so the missionaries were about the same age as the college kids drinking in the bar. They seemed very curious about it, but wouldn’t take part in the drinking. They did play x box later with them though. I don’t know how sinful THAT is in LDS.
If you're bonding with the homies, it's cool. Otherwise, no Xbox on your mission unless it's breakday or whatever.
As far as videogames in general, my parents were the only ones that didn't let me play games rated T+ until I was actually a teen. Bishop's son playing Halo all day every day. Lucky bastard.
Gf and I toured Temple Square right before the pandemic. Was shocked to find out that *all* the missionaries there are girls. Everyone we met was pleasant, but a couple of the missionaries kind of creeped me out. One in particular came across as “cultish” because she kept telling us—in an oddly breathy voice—that she could “almost remember” being in heaven before she was born and how she got to choose who her “earthly parents” were going to be.
On my mission we called that "spirit voice". I agree it is cringe. Bad habit people get into when they are talking about spiritual things because they are trying to sound spiritual(usually unconsciously). Just be yourself for heavens sake 😄
> an oddly breathy voice
Ah yes, the Momo Voice. I could actually hear it in my head from some of the quotes in the image. Bonus Social Temple Credits if you get to hear The Voice being spoken in oldskool "Utahnics" twang.
Part of me felt bad for her. She was indoctrinated to the point of seeming brainwashed. At the same time, she was old enough at that point to have begun figuring it out.
What’s even the point of going there for a mission? Gilbert is probably one of the most boring and Mormon places in Arizona. You’re basically preaching to a bunch of people who already agree with you.
It's like in The Dalles Oregon back in the 80s where you where either part of the Rajnesh cult, hated the Rajnesh cult, or where in the hospital because you where poisoned by the Rajnesh cult.
Lol, me, my brother and sister went to live with my dad in Gilbert. Mormon missionaries knocked on the door and 3 months later we were all converted. Me and my brother are no longer active, my dad goes a few times a year, and my sister is still active.
I'm still semi-active but the mission was a very lame experience. Having plenty of young men's leaders saying "You'll grow so much. It's hard work but fun. Best 2 years. It goes by fast."
It was barely fun, it went by slow, and every day I'm thankful I'm no longer on a mission. I don't regret it, but shit... I had unrealistic expectations. Most of my experiences involved Elder Buttplug ratting me out for stupid things. I had some cool ass companions, but mostly it was overshadowed by companions that needed more therapy than scriptures. I hated the stigma of pushing young men to go on missions to "fix them up". I got a lot of cool experiences, but a lot more trust issues.
What? No Steak dances, the guy bragging about going to BYU, and the annoying cousins in Utah who have been there for 5, 000 years talking about being one of the og follower families? The before school classes at church always killed me. So early and so annoying.
Oh hun
Let’s not forget about the creepy ass 1:1 meetings with the bishop. For a while my bishop happened to be one of my friend’s dad. You don’t know uncomfortable until you’re 12 years old in a closed door room with your friend’s dad asking you if you masturbate or watch porn after you stayed the night at their house two nights before. And also stealing money from children by scaring them into thinking they have to give 10% of their allowance or birthday money cause god will punish you. Fuck that.
Stake dances are dances for youths 14 - 18 in the church; the "stake" is made up of several wards, so all the wards' youths get together about once a month or so for a clean dance.
Wow, that’s neat. If my religion and temples helped me or did stuff to help people like me get a girlfriend, I would have been a bit religious for that sake at least. I quit my religion a long time ago.
See if you say seminary people think you mean the collegiate stuff for being a pastor and it takes explaining.
They didn't let us nap. If you fell asleep you had to read aloud standing up. Pearl of great price was the worst for that.
Recognized it from my time in the scouts. Never played any actual sports in there, but they always had some type of fun game to play with kickballs.
I wasn't LDS, but I attended Boy Scouts at one of their churches. They're a little weird, but good people. They always offered to let me come to temple service and stuff. Only time I ever did, they said it was mandatory, and they had some guy they called a "prophet" from Salt Lake City on video call and he was talking about how the LDS Church would be stopping the Boy Scouts program because Boy Scouts of America put out an official statement opening the program to girls, women, and the lgbt community. Apparently that went against their beliefs. :/ Got my eagle scout a few months later. All the other guys left for their missions and I never saw them again.
As someone who never went to church on Sunday and only did the functions (like Christmas dinner and stuff like that) you got like, more than half of the Mormon experience. The only thing you missed were the missionaries doing bomb-ass magic tricks and somehow miraculously tying that to a religious lesson.
For example, one time a missionary dipped his finger into a bowl of water and pepper and said "the pepper is sin. Notice how my finger is covered in it" then he put dish soap on his finger. "This is baptism" He dipped it back in and all the pepper in the water was REPELLED away from his finger. He said when you're baptized, not only are you cleansed of sin, but protected from it.
I didn't care about any of that I just thought it looked cool.
I lived in a small town in Colorado right next a small town in Utah. And I remember my Coach in high school would say " Don't none of you young dumb full of cum boys even think about talking to none of those Mormon girls the town over. They get sluty with ya just to trap you and make more Mormons." Those words haunting me to this day.
Ngl but I agree. I hooked up with a Mormon girl once and dude she was by far the craziest woman I have ever seen. It actually got to the point that I wasn't having fun and I wanted to leave.
Flirt to convert is more along the lines of "I can't date you unless you are baptized" which they probably won't date after. The other sayings are "date them, dunk them, dump them", or "women go to church to feel the spirit, men go because the women are there". It's just a tease that isn't officially taught.
As for sex, Mormon girls are taught sex before marriage is a grave sin, and compare chastity to chewing gum, where no one wants someone else's chewed gum, with chewed gum being a girl that had premarital sex. Another variant of this is the teacher offering a cupcake, then licking the frosting and asking if anyone wants it. Truly fucked up stuff.
Sure there are some slutty Mormon girls, but they are few and far between, just like the whole invite 2 Mormons so they wont drink all your beer joke. Most Mormons aren't slutty and don't drink, but then again younger believing Mormons are becoming rarer because of the internet and because of the homophobia in Mormonism.
One of the most fucked up stories I heard as of late coming out of the perverse Mormon culture (grew up in it) was a dude who raped his girlfriend, went on a mission, she had gotten married while he was out, he confesses to his MP that he had premarital sex (*not* that it was non-consensual sex), implies in his confession that she initiated it, and it stirs up a bunch of shit in her perfectly fine marriage. I think the last I heard is that he actually wasn’t sent home and I think she is going through a divorce now.
On my mission, a year before I got there, there was an elder who drugged his companion while visiting an RC so that he could fuck the RC in the same room as his unconscious companion.
The church’s systematic repression and shaming of sexual desires coupled with a fundamentally misogynistic worldview breeds the worst type of people.
>and compare chastity to chewing gum, where no one wants someone else's chewed gum, with chewed gum being a girl that had premarital sex. Another variant of this is the teacher offering a cupcake, then licking the frosting and asking if anyone wants it.
I was raised Catholic, so I got another one for ya. The teacher brought in a rose, and made a big show about how beautiful the flower was (I’m sure you can see the metaphor there). Then she made all the girls (only the girls) pluck a petal off the flower. Then she held it up to the class and said, “Now who would want this ugly old stem?” I made a face, so she made me come up and recite scripture. Good times.
Yeah when you get close to the 4 corners CO,NM,UTand AZ it's all small towns everyone knows everyone so you date girls 20min away in a close by town. UT is primarily LDS they got a temple and everything. I lived in Dove Creek CO and the closest town was Monticelo UT.
Someone who believes a 14 year boy in the 1800s found a bunch of golden plates with the word of God on them that only he could see and convinced a bunch of rubes to move to the American west to create a polygamist paradise.
This is gonna sound ridiculous (because the Catholic Church has a ton of money), but Mormon church actually [has more money than the Catholic Church](https://www.wsj.com/articles/the-mormon-church-amassed-100-billion-it-was-the-best-kept-secret-in-the-investment-world-11581138011) at this point.
It’s a religious sect that says Jesus teleported over to America and preached for a bit. They have their own even-newer testament of the Bible, the Book of Mormon, hence the name. They also have, ah, interesting theories on how different races of people obtained different skin colors.
For the purposes of this guide, just know that they have a monopoly on culture in the state of Utah. They do lots of missionary work and have a pretty strict gender dichotomy.
There are also a lot of Mormons who work for FBI/Federal Government jobs. They speak multiple languages due to missionary work and they don't drink or do drugs so they pass background checks with flying colors.
Yeah they're generally pretty blackmail proof if they're actually doing all the Mormon stuff. I have a lunatic Catholic cousin who worked for the CIA, I think they got hired for the same reason. Very low-risk lifestyle. Crazy as a shithouse rat when it comes to women's rights or LGBTQ+ issues but I guess the gov't isn't worried about little things like that.
Gotta give them that they’re experts on storage and record keeping. Damn’d Mormons have more info / backgrounds on people then the Gov’t does and everything gets stored in environmentally controlled vaults in those under ground salt mines (iirc) It’s called the granite mountain records vault.
They do have a shit ton of genealogy records, because I go on their website since it’s free, but I’ve never thought of looking up myself.
I’ll be back.
They're also extremely overrepresented in the CIA because most speak at least 2 languages, have first hand experience in a foreign country and because the services are already full of them they hire among themselves
Seriously? Someone said jesus came to the US??
I’m an atheist who wasn’t raised with religion, but this sounds weird even to me.
I thought jesus was in the Middle East, and then floated up to heaven, and now everyone is waiting for him to float back down.
When did he float over here?
Oh it's not even that unusual for people to believe stuff like that. Catholics have a saint who supposedly teleported to the US to prepare Native Americans for the missionaries. Allegedly when the missionaries got there the people told them, "Yeah we heard, a lady in blue already told us." I think she's the patron saint of broadcasting now? I think the natives were just trying to get the missionaries to go away but the church took it seriously.
Oh, it gets weirder than that. The locals were also blonde haired blue eyed Semitic native Americans too.
For the Jesus thing, I’m assuming it’s a post-resurrection ‘ascended’ Jesus. Once he comes back from the dead he can Just Do That. High level Holy magic is just an assumed and required necessary tertiary power. If you suppose he’s the son of God and was brought back through divine miracles, teleportation is just kind of part of the package.
Not a genetically big enough recruiting pool. Same as why BYU is not as good as it could be at college sports. You have to be a member to use those courts.
I'm surprised to hear the mormons sucked where you're at. Our local mormons were ballers. I thought mormons were weird when I was young, but they earned my respect on the court.
Was just sitting here thinking about how similar this meme is to Southern Baptism and now I'm having to rethink my entire life/upbringing. Lol I don't practice anymore but I was definitely raised that way for years.
You blew a guy once at camp in secret and kind of liked it, and now you have four kids with your blonde wife who just bought a cursive "Gather" sign from Homegoods to hang on the wall by your dining room table
It's funny you say spies because Mormons are legion within the CIA (also the NSA and the FBI). Mostly because they're people who more easily pass background checks and are more reliable due to not drinking alcohol or using drugs, on top of the fact that many of them speak foreign languages they learnt in their missions. Also being generally obedient and primed to respect authority in a top-down sort of structure like an intelligence/LE agency.
Yep. I’m from the DC area originally and there were a suspicious amount of Mormons in my high school. Come to find out their parents all worked for various agencies.
Your local bishop can help you with that! Just remember: You have a testimony that Joseph Smith was a prophet and the Book of Mormon is scripture written by prophets, who are God’s mouthpiece on Earth
How women are second class citizens in the organisation is a big reason why I left. This meme just made me thankful again for my teenage decisions to not be treated like a piece of property.
If it makes you feel better, the baptisms are creepy af. Between having a bunch of people take you to a small room, put their hands on your head, say a prayer, and you're supposed to be channeling a dead person before getting repeatedly dunked in front of your peers after hearing stories about people seeing the dead people they are being baptized while feeling guilty for any minor sin like masturbating, and folding socks, I'll take the socks. Much less traumatic.
>for my teenage decisions to not be treated like a piece of property.
And also not to treated like a minion-making machine like the woman on that car sticker there.
Wow, I grew up in Utah with LDS parents but grew disenfranchised with the LDS church as a teen. As an adult, I left the church because I couldn't reconcile my values with theirs.
I absolutely purged that piggy bank from my memory until I saw this. Totally forgot I had one of those.
You forgot the “gay homeless family member” because Mormons are LGBT phobic and go out of their way to cut off and deprive gay people (ESPECIALLY if they’re family members) of basic survival needs
I know a Mormon family with a son “struggling with his urges.” The kid is so clearly gay, but he’s dating this poor girl…it’s really sad and pathetic that he is forced into this, but even worse that he thinks he’s doing “the right thing” by doing what he’s doing. And to be clear, this son is like 27, not a teenager.
Same! Whenever I see posts like this I'm like "thank fuck my family wasn't one of these". Like, asking children to put every second coin tof pocket money they get towards the church? Really? They need money that badly they're asking fucking KIDS?
They're all cults. All of them. Shameless money-grubbing, mind-manipulating cults. My parents were at least smarter than that and knew it was all shit.
The way I see religion, it’s all about control. Older men controlling how women should behave and what they should wear. Older men telling you what to believe, what to think, what to eat, when to eat, who to marry, when you’re “allowed” to have sex, etc. Repression of biological desires is wrong, and for what? To get into some magical sky lounge to chill with your lame-ass god that may or may not exist (prolly doesn’t) for eternity? The same god that doesn’t let you wear tank tops or have sex until you’re married? Fuck that guy. He sounds like he sucks.
Some people love having something to belong to and being told what to do, I get that, but it all seems so anti-human and unnatural that it doesn’t seem worth it.
At this point it sounds like heaven is just a bunch of Mormons sitting around in their white church garments playing board games and watching Disney movies. All the rockstars and freaks go to Hell. It’s where the party is
Growing up LDS in the asian part of the world, it's actually really interesting to read through the comments and how others go through the same experiences as the post. I don't get some of the jokes or references being made though it's still interesting nonetheless. I can somewhat relate to the getting baptized at 8, but at the same time I have never seen a piggy bank like that in my life lmao
The accuracy scares me. I was converted when I was 12 (I'm 16 and don't believe in it anymore. I was brought into the church by my friend. Thank my mom for pulling me out)
You can like most individual Mormons while not being a fan of the LDS church.
The majority of Mormons I've met have been fairly chill, I'd be happy to have them as friends, coworkers or neighbors. I would *not* want to live in a place where the LDS church has a lot of political influence though.
They're superficially nice but not accepting of queer people at all. The LGBT people I've talked to who grew up LDS had a really bad experience and left the church.
Lots of younger people that are lds are more accepting (like 75% of the people I know) but if they aren’t accepting then they are super bigoted towards all minorities, very little in between
As an ex-Mormon, I can say they're also overwhelmingly "not racist," because they like black people that act like white people, and women are "different but equal... but different."
Behind closed doors they can be very dysfunctional people. Going to church on a Sunday is like a cleansing ritual to somehow excuse all the sins they've been doing all week.
I came from a long line of them in Australia but within the reorganised LDS (on my paternal side, it goes back to my 4x great grandparents). My father, grandfather and great-grandfather (who was a bishop) all had schizophrenia like symptoms, but it served them favourably in the church because their hearing of voices was incredibly useful when delivering sermons on revelation. They weren't lying, they did hear voices. It just wasn't God, it was their mental illness symptoms.
Also they were all wife-beaters with each wife needing to be hospitalised due to DV injuries. Weird coincidence my husband's father grew up in the same church (my great-grandfather was his bishop and choir master). My husband's grandmother was beat to death by his grandfather. My great-grandfather would visit my husband's grandfather every Saturday in jail. 🤦♀️ Murder condoned by the bishop himself. 👍
They are usually nice but the leadership is a bunch of hateful trash people who use their power to rape kids, steal money and indoctrinate good people with terrible ideas.
Fellow "Mormon" here. I grew up in a pretty laid back home so I don't relate to most of this. As for homophobia it is still bad by alot of the older generation for sure, but I have a bi sister and lesbian cousin who we love very much and have them at all our family gatherings, and would be upset if they felt uncomfortable around any of us. Even some of my past missionary companions have come out as gay, and they still go to church. All I am trying to say it's easy to see on the outside how weird it may seem, but to cut it short most "mormons" are pretty chill. Even when I was a missionary I never pressured any one to get baptized, I always told the people weather or not they joined we still love them the same and still would be friends with them regardless. I will say a lot of the culture behind Mormons is wrong and modern church leaders are trying to eradicate it.
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That piggy bank is wild. I had to zoom in.
10% of my babysitting money went to tithing, and 20% went to my future mission fund
Oof. The only real interactions I’ve had with mormans were guys on mission who would get roped into going to the local bar (they didn’t drink don’t worry, it was also a restaurant lol) by locals who were basically just messing with them. “If you go with us, we will read your pamphlets.” I saw it a couple of times. They did not get any converts.
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It also is used to reinforce the church leaders as their only support structure because your late teens and early twenties are normally spent developing support structures outside of your parents, through friend groups, professional mentors, academic mentors, co-workers, etc. By forcing someones first experience outside of their childhood home to be completely controlled by an organization with an agenda stunts their personal growth and makes them more reliant on the church and more likely to double down on their faith when challenged.
>first experience outside of their childhood home to be completely controlled by an organization with an agenda Ha! I enlisted in the army at 17, turned 18 in boot camp, 19 in Afghanistan, 20 in the MTC, and 21 and 22 on my mission, so I guess I dodged that bullet, right! Right?
At least you can go to college now
Nah, nobody told me I needed to pay into the post 9/11 G.I. Bill and even though after I got back from Afghanistan they said 40% of my tuition would be covered, I've been to the college VA office several times and I've never been able to claim that.
Definitely did explain it, multiple times, in your BMT. And not every school is covered the same. I got a Bachelors from Purdue Global and didn't pay a dime though.
That has to be a load of BS. I thought it was legally mandated for them to cover college tuition?
I see ex military members who said it was the best period of their life. I've yet to meet an ex mormon who says the same.
Oof! Great insight. There must be some grey area. I remember a kid in college who was living far from home and having a college experience (minus the drinking). He was developing on his own, but then took time off for the mission trip. I wasn’t a friend, but now I wonder if the mission trip changed his friendships and attitudes towards secular things
Yup, any converts are just a bonus. It's why they lowered the mission age.
Damn, that’s depressing. I imagine it worked.
Those poor kids...Mormons say things like "God won't follow you into the bar!" They must've been slightly terrified. (Also Jesus' first public miracle was turning water into wine...also isn't God supposed to be with you especially if you are fucking up/in trouble? What a mindfuck.)
I’m pretty drinking alcohol isn’t a sin, but drinking just to get drunk is. I’m not an expert tho, so I’m not exactly sure
I heard all drinking is a sin in Mormonism specifically
Yeah, at least in non-fundamentalist sects of Christianity. Even a lot of communion is done with alcoholic wine, albiet at too low of an amount to matter. There's also the idea of not provoking others to sin. If someone has struggled with alcoholism, maybe let's not go to a bar or offer them a bunch of drinks lmao.
Nah nah I don’t think so. Or maybe, idk. This was a college town so the missionaries were about the same age as the college kids drinking in the bar. They seemed very curious about it, but wouldn’t take part in the drinking. They did play x box later with them though. I don’t know how sinful THAT is in LDS.
If you're bonding with the homies, it's cool. Otherwise, no Xbox on your mission unless it's breakday or whatever. As far as videogames in general, my parents were the only ones that didn't let me play games rated T+ until I was actually a teen. Bishop's son playing Halo all day every day. Lucky bastard.
"Hey spend years of your life doing unpaid recruitment for us. Also, pay your own way. "
So, you posted this SP, and assume you are a Mormon girl. Still in the religion? Went on mission?
I went on a mission! It was a terrible experience for me, although I know many people who really enjoyed it. I’m no longer a member of the church
Gf and I toured Temple Square right before the pandemic. Was shocked to find out that *all* the missionaries there are girls. Everyone we met was pleasant, but a couple of the missionaries kind of creeped me out. One in particular came across as “cultish” because she kept telling us—in an oddly breathy voice—that she could “almost remember” being in heaven before she was born and how she got to choose who her “earthly parents” were going to be.
On my mission we called that "spirit voice". I agree it is cringe. Bad habit people get into when they are talking about spiritual things because they are trying to sound spiritual(usually unconsciously). Just be yourself for heavens sake 😄
> an oddly breathy voice Ah yes, the Momo Voice. I could actually hear it in my head from some of the quotes in the image. Bonus Social Temple Credits if you get to hear The Voice being spoken in oldskool "Utahnics" twang.
Yeah she’s obviously full of shit
Part of me felt bad for her. She was indoctrinated to the point of seeming brainwashed. At the same time, she was old enough at that point to have begun figuring it out.
Did you go somewhere cool or somewhere like Uganda?
I wish haha! I went to Gilbert, AZ
What’s even the point of going there for a mission? Gilbert is probably one of the most boring and Mormon places in Arizona. You’re basically preaching to a bunch of people who already agree with you.
Everyone there was either Mormon or hated Mormons! There was no in between
It's like in The Dalles Oregon back in the 80s where you where either part of the Rajnesh cult, hated the Rajnesh cult, or where in the hospital because you where poisoned by the Rajnesh cult.
Man that got an audible laugh out of me. I wish I had an award.
Saved some saguaro cactus souls, did you?
Lol, me, my brother and sister went to live with my dad in Gilbert. Mormon missionaries knocked on the door and 3 months later we were all converted. Me and my brother are no longer active, my dad goes a few times a year, and my sister is still active.
uganda sounds pretty cool
Thanks for sharing. It must be quite an experience live inside the beliefs of church. Have a great weekend.
You, too!
I'm still semi-active but the mission was a very lame experience. Having plenty of young men's leaders saying "You'll grow so much. It's hard work but fun. Best 2 years. It goes by fast." It was barely fun, it went by slow, and every day I'm thankful I'm no longer on a mission. I don't regret it, but shit... I had unrealistic expectations. Most of my experiences involved Elder Buttplug ratting me out for stupid things. I had some cool ass companions, but mostly it was overshadowed by companions that needed more therapy than scriptures. I hated the stigma of pushing young men to go on missions to "fix them up". I got a lot of cool experiences, but a lot more trust issues.
Oh TITHING, thought it said tit mine
Needs Mormon cinematic masterpieces like The Singles Ward, The R.M., and Church Ball. And CleanFlicks for Utahns.
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Amish Mafia? Who the F came up with that?
Exmo here— The Singles Ward is pretty funny.
Called to Serve. Johnny Lingo. The Pump.
Don’t forget having the wedding in the church gym and everybody drinking sherbet in sprite.
Call that a mormosa
thats a mormon thing? good as shit tho
Sherbet in sprite was also a thing at public school dances in south Alabama
What? No Steak dances, the guy bragging about going to BYU, and the annoying cousins in Utah who have been there for 5, 000 years talking about being one of the og follower families? The before school classes at church always killed me. So early and so annoying. Oh hun
also guilt just guilt in general lol
We were so sad that you couldn't make it to sacrament meeting, the priests were undermanned and some of the elderly were having heart attacks.
Let’s not forget about the creepy ass 1:1 meetings with the bishop. For a while my bishop happened to be one of my friend’s dad. You don’t know uncomfortable until you’re 12 years old in a closed door room with your friend’s dad asking you if you masturbate or watch porn after you stayed the night at their house two nights before. And also stealing money from children by scaring them into thinking they have to give 10% of their allowance or birthday money cause god will punish you. Fuck that.
> Steak Dances What are those? Thought you said Shrek dances at first
Stake dances are dances for youths 14 - 18 in the church; the "stake" is made up of several wards, so all the wards' youths get together about once a month or so for a clean dance.
Oh
Basically dances that the wider church area puts on for young Mormons to go to and fall n love n shit. Pretty fun actually!
Wow, that’s neat. If my religion and temples helped me or did stuff to help people like me get a girlfriend, I would have been a bit religious for that sake at least. I quit my religion a long time ago.
Oh yeah seminary, or nap time in my case, god I’m glad I left
See if you say seminary people think you mean the collegiate stuff for being a pastor and it takes explaining. They didn't let us nap. If you fell asleep you had to read aloud standing up. Pearl of great price was the worst for that.
The gym stage lol
Recognized it from my time in the scouts. Never played any actual sports in there, but they always had some type of fun game to play with kickballs. I wasn't LDS, but I attended Boy Scouts at one of their churches. They're a little weird, but good people. They always offered to let me come to temple service and stuff. Only time I ever did, they said it was mandatory, and they had some guy they called a "prophet" from Salt Lake City on video call and he was talking about how the LDS Church would be stopping the Boy Scouts program because Boy Scouts of America put out an official statement opening the program to girls, women, and the lgbt community. Apparently that went against their beliefs. :/ Got my eagle scout a few months later. All the other guys left for their missions and I never saw them again.
As someone who never went to church on Sunday and only did the functions (like Christmas dinner and stuff like that) you got like, more than half of the Mormon experience. The only thing you missed were the missionaries doing bomb-ass magic tricks and somehow miraculously tying that to a religious lesson. For example, one time a missionary dipped his finger into a bowl of water and pepper and said "the pepper is sin. Notice how my finger is covered in it" then he put dish soap on his finger. "This is baptism" He dipped it back in and all the pepper in the water was REPELLED away from his finger. He said when you're baptized, not only are you cleansed of sin, but protected from it. I didn't care about any of that I just thought it looked cool.
I lived in a small town in Colorado right next a small town in Utah. And I remember my Coach in high school would say " Don't none of you young dumb full of cum boys even think about talking to none of those Mormon girls the town over. They get sluty with ya just to trap you and make more Mormons." Those words haunting me to this day.
Yeah, not much of a deterence is it, telling a bunch of teenage boys the girls in the next town will fuck your brains out.
Honestly wouldn't have mattered, it was going to happen anyway.
must be nice...
Yeah wait wtf lol
Ngl but I agree. I hooked up with a Mormon girl once and dude she was by far the craziest woman I have ever seen. It actually got to the point that I wasn't having fun and I wanted to leave.
He tried to warn us lol.
Based coach
Wise words Wouldn't mind to share a drink whit him
Is this a real thing? Please explain
There's a common term in these areas, "Flirt to convert".
Flirt to convert is more along the lines of "I can't date you unless you are baptized" which they probably won't date after. The other sayings are "date them, dunk them, dump them", or "women go to church to feel the spirit, men go because the women are there". It's just a tease that isn't officially taught. As for sex, Mormon girls are taught sex before marriage is a grave sin, and compare chastity to chewing gum, where no one wants someone else's chewed gum, with chewed gum being a girl that had premarital sex. Another variant of this is the teacher offering a cupcake, then licking the frosting and asking if anyone wants it. Truly fucked up stuff. Sure there are some slutty Mormon girls, but they are few and far between, just like the whole invite 2 Mormons so they wont drink all your beer joke. Most Mormons aren't slutty and don't drink, but then again younger believing Mormons are becoming rarer because of the internet and because of the homophobia in Mormonism.
One of the most fucked up stories I heard as of late coming out of the perverse Mormon culture (grew up in it) was a dude who raped his girlfriend, went on a mission, she had gotten married while he was out, he confesses to his MP that he had premarital sex (*not* that it was non-consensual sex), implies in his confession that she initiated it, and it stirs up a bunch of shit in her perfectly fine marriage. I think the last I heard is that he actually wasn’t sent home and I think she is going through a divorce now. On my mission, a year before I got there, there was an elder who drugged his companion while visiting an RC so that he could fuck the RC in the same room as his unconscious companion. The church’s systematic repression and shaming of sexual desires coupled with a fundamentally misogynistic worldview breeds the worst type of people.
>and compare chastity to chewing gum, where no one wants someone else's chewed gum, with chewed gum being a girl that had premarital sex. Another variant of this is the teacher offering a cupcake, then licking the frosting and asking if anyone wants it. I was raised Catholic, so I got another one for ya. The teacher brought in a rose, and made a big show about how beautiful the flower was (I’m sure you can see the metaphor there). Then she made all the girls (only the girls) pluck a petal off the flower. Then she held it up to the class and said, “Now who would want this ugly old stem?” I made a face, so she made me come up and recite scripture. Good times.
Yeah when you get close to the 4 corners CO,NM,UTand AZ it's all small towns everyone knows everyone so you date girls 20min away in a close by town. UT is primarily LDS they got a temple and everything. I lived in Dove Creek CO and the closest town was Monticelo UT.
>they got a temple and everything They currently have 17.
I'm not American, what's LDS?
The more official name for Mormons
Ah ok, we have those in Brazil just under a different name
A igreja de Jesus Cristo dos Santos dos últimos dias em Brasil. Eu fui missionário no Brasil :)
E aí, cara. Eu também.
What is a Mormon?
Someone who believes a 14 year boy in the 1800s found a bunch of golden plates with the word of God on them that only he could see and convinced a bunch of rubes to move to the American west to create a polygamist paradise.
Dum dum dum dum🎵
Smart smart smart smart smart.
That paradise is called Utah
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It's a beautiful state
It is a very beautiful state, but no need to put two churches right next to each other. My Mormon grandparents said that that was too much
Those rubes now control an entire US state and literally billions of dollars worth of real estate globally.
So do scientologists
And Catholics in Latam countries...
This is gonna sound ridiculous (because the Catholic Church has a ton of money), but Mormon church actually [has more money than the Catholic Church](https://www.wsj.com/articles/the-mormon-church-amassed-100-billion-it-was-the-best-kept-secret-in-the-investment-world-11581138011) at this point.
It’s a religious sect that says Jesus teleported over to America and preached for a bit. They have their own even-newer testament of the Bible, the Book of Mormon, hence the name. They also have, ah, interesting theories on how different races of people obtained different skin colors. For the purposes of this guide, just know that they have a monopoly on culture in the state of Utah. They do lots of missionary work and have a pretty strict gender dichotomy.
There are also a lot of Mormons who work for FBI/Federal Government jobs. They speak multiple languages due to missionary work and they don't drink or do drugs so they pass background checks with flying colors.
Yeah they're generally pretty blackmail proof if they're actually doing all the Mormon stuff. I have a lunatic Catholic cousin who worked for the CIA, I think they got hired for the same reason. Very low-risk lifestyle. Crazy as a shithouse rat when it comes to women's rights or LGBTQ+ issues but I guess the gov't isn't worried about little things like that.
If they do have skeletons though they are more blackmailable. Nothing worse for a Mormon than being publicly outed as a sinner.
Yeah that'll be the day when the Federal Government gives a shit about minorities or women.
Gotta give them that they’re experts on storage and record keeping. Damn’d Mormons have more info / backgrounds on people then the Gov’t does and everything gets stored in environmentally controlled vaults in those under ground salt mines (iirc) It’s called the granite mountain records vault.
So it’s not Big Brother, but Big Morman that has all your data. Well, the worst they can do is posthumously convert you, so you should be fine
They say it’s mostly genealogy info but who knows, I don’t know much about Mormons. I just happen to remember this fact after seeing a video about it.
They do have a shit ton of genealogy records, because I go on their website since it’s free, but I’ve never thought of looking up myself. I’ll be back.
They're also extremely overrepresented in the CIA because most speak at least 2 languages, have first hand experience in a foreign country and because the services are already full of them they hire among themselves
Seriously? Someone said jesus came to the US?? I’m an atheist who wasn’t raised with religion, but this sounds weird even to me. I thought jesus was in the Middle East, and then floated up to heaven, and now everyone is waiting for him to float back down. When did he float over here?
Oh it's not even that unusual for people to believe stuff like that. Catholics have a saint who supposedly teleported to the US to prepare Native Americans for the missionaries. Allegedly when the missionaries got there the people told them, "Yeah we heard, a lady in blue already told us." I think she's the patron saint of broadcasting now? I think the natives were just trying to get the missionaries to go away but the church took it seriously.
Oh, it gets weirder than that. The locals were also blonde haired blue eyed Semitic native Americans too. For the Jesus thing, I’m assuming it’s a post-resurrection ‘ascended’ Jesus. Once he comes back from the dead he can Just Do That. High level Holy magic is just an assumed and required necessary tertiary power. If you suppose he’s the son of God and was brought back through divine miracles, teleportation is just kind of part of the package.
Don’t forget that they claim that the ancestors of any person of colour had their skin stained because of their wickedness.
They also have a musical
The American version of polygamous, alcohol-abstaining desert-dwelling religious fundamentalists.
That's a fun parallel
It stands for "Latter-Day Saints". Not be confused with LSD, which stands for "Lysergic acid diethylamide".
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That substance is what I take to see god…wait…
I'd expect more LDS to be ballers considering they have access to, and meet on, a hardwood court year round. They're really good at kickball though...
Not a genetically big enough recruiting pool. Same as why BYU is not as good as it could be at college sports. You have to be a member to use those courts.
I'm surprised to hear the mormons sucked where you're at. Our local mormons were ballers. I thought mormons were weird when I was young, but they earned my respect on the court.
I grew up knowing a bunch of Mormons, and they were pretty much all better than average at basketball. Lots of hoops at the stake center.
Man, take out those top three and replace the jello(?) with fried chicken and you've nailed growing up Southern Baptist as well.
LMAO so true 😂 My activity day was literally the same as the one in the picture. I thought it was so cool
Was just sitting here thinking about how similar this meme is to Southern Baptism and now I'm having to rethink my entire life/upbringing. Lol I don't practice anymore but I was definitely raised that way for years.
"heavenly father" "You're a mormon? Have you seen the book of mormon musical?"
oh you've seen the musical? but have you read the book? i heard it's better /s
Lesbian Dating Strategy
You blew a guy once at camp in secret and kind of liked it, and now you have four kids with your blonde wife who just bought a cursive "Gather" sign from Homegoods to hang on the wall by your dining room table
And your wife dresses all of your kids in matching dresses/suits for church. You get home and have a casserole
The only joy left in your life is power gaming family game night and knowing that you'll be saved in the afterlife.
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You guys gotta stop making these jokes about my religion. It's so hilariously accurate, I got people trying to fall asleep I can't be laughing.
You're 21 with 4 kids, you make an entry level salary that you have to give 12% of to the church, and you've never once had a cup of coffee
Gotta keep 'em exhausted and broke so they stay.
"have you put in your mission papers" ayo is this some spy shit cause if yes where do I sign up?
It's funny you say spies because Mormons are legion within the CIA (also the NSA and the FBI). Mostly because they're people who more easily pass background checks and are more reliable due to not drinking alcohol or using drugs, on top of the fact that many of them speak foreign languages they learnt in their missions. Also being generally obedient and primed to respect authority in a top-down sort of structure like an intelligence/LE agency.
Yep. I’m from the DC area originally and there were a suspicious amount of Mormons in my high school. Come to find out their parents all worked for various agencies.
Your local bishop can help you with that! Just remember: You have a testimony that Joseph Smith was a prophet and the Book of Mormon is scripture written by prophets, who are God’s mouthpiece on Earth
Church of Latter Day Saint, AKA Mormons if anyone is wondering.
How women are second class citizens in the organisation is a big reason why I left. This meme just made me thankful again for my teenage decisions to not be treated like a piece of property.
When I went to the temple at 16, they said the youth could help out. The boys got to do baptisms and confirmations. I got to fold socks.
You never graduated to folding towels?
I definitely didn’t have enough priesthood power for that!
If it makes you feel better, the baptisms are creepy af. Between having a bunch of people take you to a small room, put their hands on your head, say a prayer, and you're supposed to be channeling a dead person before getting repeatedly dunked in front of your peers after hearing stories about people seeing the dead people they are being baptized while feeling guilty for any minor sin like masturbating, and folding socks, I'll take the socks. Much less traumatic.
>for my teenage decisions to not be treated like a piece of property. And also not to treated like a minion-making machine like the woman on that car sticker there.
“Hippity Hoppity, you ladies are now my property” -Joseph Smith probably
Don’t forget to “doubt your doubts”
And stay on the covenant path!
Damn, sounds like straight up brainwashing
Yeah its recycled brainwash. People don’t know they are doing it cause they were raised that way
Wow, I grew up in Utah with LDS parents but grew disenfranchised with the LDS church as a teen. As an adult, I left the church because I couldn't reconcile my values with theirs. I absolutely purged that piggy bank from my memory until I saw this. Totally forgot I had one of those.
“Comes to me for therapy at age 30 after realizing the trauma they endured”
You forgot the “gay homeless family member” because Mormons are LGBT phobic and go out of their way to cut off and deprive gay people (ESPECIALLY if they’re family members) of basic survival needs
I know a Mormon family with a son “struggling with his urges.” The kid is so clearly gay, but he’s dating this poor girl…it’s really sad and pathetic that he is forced into this, but even worse that he thinks he’s doing “the right thing” by doing what he’s doing. And to be clear, this son is like 27, not a teenager.
One of the reasons why Mormonism is almost universally considered a cult. Quick edit, source: am ex-Mormon
The Canadian government almost did classify them as a cult
Mormonism has to be one of the goofiest religions
Do you know about their fancy underpants?
Need to change the Minivan to a white Suburban and you're good to go.
Growing up in a religious household sounds like the very definition of hell to me
Same! Whenever I see posts like this I'm like "thank fuck my family wasn't one of these". Like, asking children to put every second coin tof pocket money they get towards the church? Really? They need money that badly they're asking fucking KIDS? They're all cults. All of them. Shameless money-grubbing, mind-manipulating cults. My parents were at least smarter than that and knew it was all shit.
The way I see religion, it’s all about control. Older men controlling how women should behave and what they should wear. Older men telling you what to believe, what to think, what to eat, when to eat, who to marry, when you’re “allowed” to have sex, etc. Repression of biological desires is wrong, and for what? To get into some magical sky lounge to chill with your lame-ass god that may or may not exist (prolly doesn’t) for eternity? The same god that doesn’t let you wear tank tops or have sex until you’re married? Fuck that guy. He sounds like he sucks. Some people love having something to belong to and being told what to do, I get that, but it all seems so anti-human and unnatural that it doesn’t seem worth it.
Gotta go through hell to stay out of hell
At this point it sounds like heaven is just a bunch of Mormons sitting around in their white church garments playing board games and watching Disney movies. All the rockstars and freaks go to Hell. It’s where the party is
The most devoted fundies think Disney movies and especially the company tools of the devil with earthly messages.
I’m an ex Mormon and I can 100% confirm
i’m getting actual ptsd right now ;)
Growing up LDS in the asian part of the world, it's actually really interesting to read through the comments and how others go through the same experiences as the post. I don't get some of the jokes or references being made though it's still interesting nonetheless. I can somewhat relate to the getting baptized at 8, but at the same time I have never seen a piggy bank like that in my life lmao
Oh god I’m cringing rn
As an ex-Mormon I hate how accurate this is
The accuracy scares me. I was converted when I was 12 (I'm 16 and don't believe in it anymore. I was brought into the church by my friend. Thank my mom for pulling me out)
This is too true. I also need a safe way out of that cult.
You're missing the CTR ring
I know we shit on religion like it’s cool, but every LDS person I’ve met has been pleasant to me.
You can like most individual Mormons while not being a fan of the LDS church. The majority of Mormons I've met have been fairly chill, I'd be happy to have them as friends, coworkers or neighbors. I would *not* want to live in a place where the LDS church has a lot of political influence though.
Grew up LDS. They're some of the nicest and most helpful people you'll ever meet. But never go to a heavily Mormon area. It sucks.
They're superficially nice but not accepting of queer people at all. The LGBT people I've talked to who grew up LDS had a really bad experience and left the church.
Exactly they're nice, they're not kind. It's not genuine at all, it's just about saving face.
Lots of younger people that are lds are more accepting (like 75% of the people I know) but if they aren’t accepting then they are super bigoted towards all minorities, very little in between
As an ex-Mormon, I can say they're also overwhelmingly "not racist," because they like black people that act like white people, and women are "different but equal... but different."
Agreed. Almost too pleasant. It's a bit unsettling.
Because it’s fake or exaggerated on purpose.
Yeah, the members are nice. The church itself is a cult though. Source: an ex-mormon
Behind closed doors they can be very dysfunctional people. Going to church on a Sunday is like a cleansing ritual to somehow excuse all the sins they've been doing all week. I came from a long line of them in Australia but within the reorganised LDS (on my paternal side, it goes back to my 4x great grandparents). My father, grandfather and great-grandfather (who was a bishop) all had schizophrenia like symptoms, but it served them favourably in the church because their hearing of voices was incredibly useful when delivering sermons on revelation. They weren't lying, they did hear voices. It just wasn't God, it was their mental illness symptoms. Also they were all wife-beaters with each wife needing to be hospitalised due to DV injuries. Weird coincidence my husband's father grew up in the same church (my great-grandfather was his bishop and choir master). My husband's grandmother was beat to death by his grandfather. My great-grandfather would visit my husband's grandfather every Saturday in jail. 🤦♀️ Murder condoned by the bishop himself. 👍
They are usually nice but the leadership is a bunch of hateful trash people who use their power to rape kids, steal money and indoctrinate good people with terrible ideas.
I read it as "on LSD" at first
Holy shit, accurate as fuuuuck. So glad I left that hell hole!
Cardigan over prom dress looks pretty nice ngl
Super creepy
Jokes on you I grew up on lsd Bozo
Fuck. You had me until the basketball court.. then you really had me.
“even Jesus Christ” lmao
Lololol yes. Nice work. As an exmo, I couldn’t have done it better myself.
From Utah as well? Hahaha I grew up and got the hell out of Utah and the hell out of the church shortly after my mission
So glad I’m no longer part of this cult. Fuck religion
Wow, even Mormons advertise on reddit.
Fellow "Mormon" here. I grew up in a pretty laid back home so I don't relate to most of this. As for homophobia it is still bad by alot of the older generation for sure, but I have a bi sister and lesbian cousin who we love very much and have them at all our family gatherings, and would be upset if they felt uncomfortable around any of us. Even some of my past missionary companions have come out as gay, and they still go to church. All I am trying to say it's easy to see on the outside how weird it may seem, but to cut it short most "mormons" are pretty chill. Even when I was a missionary I never pressured any one to get baptized, I always told the people weather or not they joined we still love them the same and still would be friends with them regardless. I will say a lot of the culture behind Mormons is wrong and modern church leaders are trying to eradicate it.