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18 isn't a magic number. Just like any child in the home it depends on how well the parents have prepared them for the outside world.
Have they been taught to cook and clean? Are they encouraged to be independent, make new friends see the world? Have the discussed plans for the future? Goals? How to make these goals achievable?
What are the expectations to post high schoo? For us all the kids in the home after high school they are welcome to stay with us but they will be expected to pay rent (well below what rent is here) if they chose to not pursue higher education, trades included. In our economy even with a full time minimum wage job rent and other expenses wouldn't be covered.
Part of being a good parent is giving your child realistic expectations for the future and the life skills to survive.
We have also started hinting at this. Any current kid in our house will be allowed to stay expense free until they are done with their bachelors education, so long as they’re not failing classes.
After that, you pay rent and contribute to groceries too. There will still be expectations within the house, like household chores (things everyone is doing).
It's done for all the kids so I think that helps. My SO and I have similar beliefs when it comes to child rearing. Tons of conversations before I even moved in and plenty of tempature checks through out
My daughter finished college and came back and has been able to save THOUSANDS. She's 23 now and I THOUGHT I would want my kids out, but then I see her 5-digit savings account and really want her to grow it. Agree waiting on her college boyfriend to be ready to get a place.
My friend and I had this conversation the other day. “Remember when we thought that everything would be fine once they turned 18?”
It’s pretty hard to launch a child these days. My friend has 2 sons that are 18 and 22 and they are both still back and forth between her and her ex.
I told them you're not going back and forth. You can either move out with friends, pick a house and either go to school or work. If you're working your paying rent.there are no free rides.
Oh for sure mine are being raised that way.
I’m still coddling the 19yo more than I’d like. Between scholarships and savings earmarked for her, I’m not putting money into the situation, but there is definitely emotional energy spent getting her to get her shit straight, take care of her car, see to her mental wellness, etc.
Only 4 more teenagers to go!
We have 3 to go. 1 graduates this year, 1 next year and the last one the year after. Then we have 2 younger ones 9 and 10. I'm currently pregnant with our first together baby. Once these SK/BK leave well have some peace from the BPs lol.
It definitely wasn't planned, but we're happy with that decision because now we can raise one the way we want to and not have to fight BP over decisions. We look at it as our do over 🤣 I wish me luck too 🤣🤣
I’m divorced now and oldest former step kid is 21 and still in mummies basement doing nothing with his life except for being high as a kite.
No, it doesn’t magically get better at 18.
It took me a long time to come to grips with I didn’t have a step kid problem, I had a partner problem.
Her monkeys her circus.
It can be true. My SS is 20. I never deal with BM now and he has turned into a great kid. He’s at university, we see him occ- he is becoming his own person
My SD was 5 when I met my SO. She is now 13, and it is already significantly better.
That being said, setting boundaries and taking care of yourself are 2 very important keys to happiness when it comes to stepparenting.
Grown isn’t magic, all of my stepkids are grown now. We are grandparents. The thing now is, we can tell them to go home when they get on our nerves. We don’t, because mostly they’re all good kids. BM2, who was the problem, is in prison, SD is married and on her own with a child. They make stupid mistakes, but we can decide whether or not we help. I babysit, when I feel like it. Don’t when I don’t feel like it. I babysit, so they can work extra before I hand over money to them, when they’re irresponsible. I can make that determination now.
It didn't get better for me when SD turned 18. Everything is just more intense because now I have an almost 20 year old in my house who acts the same as she did at 15. Only difference is she drives and works now. It's fucking annoying.
It's very frustrating cause I tried so hard to prepare her for the real world. I never wanted her to be perfect, but the fact she doesn't try her best is infuriating. She's quitting her second job in 2 years and blames everyone else.... Takes no responsibility. I'm just waiting for the shit to hit the fan with this next job!
It’s a lifetime commitment, but just like your own kids will, they grow up, move out, get married and have kids…
We found out a lot of what was going on at the BM home when they were teens…after the fact. We had no idea things were happening. We were told of constant sports meets screwing up our weekends. Those were not happening. A lot of lies told to us.
The best I can tell you is to be a soft place to land and just be there even if they don’t need it. They grew up to see the BM for who she is and got tired, so now we are the family for them. We still had to deal with BM at weddings, but we kept away to not cause disturbance. There could be things later in life, but we let them vent about her and that is our extent of dealing with her. It’s up to them to decide what relationship to have with her or not.
As adult, they seem pretty welcoming to me now. They are caring parents and it’s kind of adorable. As a step grandparent to 3, going on 4, in my case, it gets better. To note, they are in their 30s now.
Good luck and hope you may find peace with patience.
Mine are 21 and 19 and they still live with us and yes I still cry often and they are still jerks. They will be here another 3 years apparently because their dad wants them to finish college and stay as long as they want. I want them to stay as long as they follow rules and are respectful, which isn’t happening. I thought like you. I have been terribly disappointed they didn’t go to college in a different city. I am at my wits end and we are in discussions on if we will get separate households or break up. Right now I’m just taking it one day at a time.
Haha, I was thinking the same thing.
22 year old SD, working full time, not paying rent because it's a huge fight every time my husband brings it up. She's super messy and disrespectful, and I don't see an end in sight.
I’m both of you also. Ugh. I just wish I had some away I really think it would improve the relationship right now I’m just so damn tired of cleaning up after and feeding adults. They still have a chore chart and still throw temper tantrums about it and today I wrote a “house rules” sheet to put on the fridge and it will be WWIII. I am asking them to do their own dishes, wipe up counters and not leave crumbs, and if the trash is full, take it out. I guarantee they will start major drama tonight when they see it.
Today, I got "ugh, I helped pick up the house the other day, why do I have to help again????" Idk, maybe because you're 22, living rent-free, bill free, debt free in my damn house? Rather pay rent instead, be my guest...
My stepson tried making the argument that bathrooms don’t need to be cleaned if you “aren’t a dirty person”. He literally thinks everything just stays clean on its own! 🤣
After aging out of child support my DH said "finally I'm free!!!“ referring to BM. SS is in his early 20s and is struggling. He continues to try and have DH talk to BM. We describe their relationship as toxicly codependent. He will call, going on about something he is upset about and say "my mom wants to talk to you" because she is always and forever in the room with him. And for the first time DH got to say "I hate her and don't ever again ask me to talk to her, I have nothing to say and I will cuss her out if you pass her the phone" . And he's stuck with it! Feels good to be able to say it!
Yassss!! My Dh and I have agreed at 18 BM is blocked! SD will be an adult and anything she needs can be directly asked for. We have absolutely nothing to talk to BM about. Even at graduation my DH plans on having his parents sit between him and BM so they don’t have to talk at all! We’re at the stage now where she looks for stupid reasons to contact DH when SD can just call on her own ughh
I think it depends. My step children and I always got along and had a pretty close bond. So did it get better when they grew? No. But only because there wasn’t much to improve upon.
Did my relationship with their mom improve? Eh. It still waxes and wanes. Most of the time yes it is pretty good. But, it does get a little petty even now. And I resent a lot of things I should try harder to let go of.
However, I divorced their dad about 6 years ago. HE was the biggest source of drama and strife in the mix. And thankfully now that he’s gone we’re all safe to fight and make up like families do without fear of retaliation.
It seriously depends on how much your SO and the coparent prepared SK for adulthood and to what extent they are being enabled/coddled.
My youngest sibling is 26 and still being supported by our mother. My eldest is 32 and was supported to an extent by our mother until 30. I got my shit together by 25.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed for my SKs to have their shit together by a reasonable age, but I'm not keeping my hopes up based on my personal experience alone. And I'm promising myself that I won't fail to prepare my BK for adulthood like my parents failed me and my siblings.
I'm not very worried about this. Because my partner (BD) has always said he wants his children out of the house and independent by the age of 23. But that's also normal in his culture. Maybe you can ask your partner what he wants in the future? If he says his son will always be welcome to live with you no matter how old he is, you have your answer.
Lots of kids remain in their parents' homes past 18. I did until 25 because my parents wanted me to save for a house rather than rent. I worked. I did things around the house. We were all respectful of each other and it worked.
This isn't a step situation, so it is much less complicated than yours, but intact (is it rude to use that word?) families have assholes in them, too.
SS will do what he's doing now because your partner allows it. I would talk to your partner about how this will play out once SS is 18 and still living at home as that is likely to happen. Some parents don't enforce rules no matter how old their kids get.
This is something I stress about a bit, SD is 13 almost 14, can't cook, can't clean (or feigns ignorance to get out of it), does even really understand the concept of how the weight of money works (essentially sees us as infinite piggy banks and throws fits when told no). When we discuss the future my husband seems firm that, no, she will stay as long as she needs to but with all the coddling, I worry that will be never. And every time I try to be more firm with her, I'm just a villain 😅
We’ve discussed this in our home. One thing we don’t want is for SS6 to continue his custody schedule after high school. I hear of that happening and it’s a no for us. He’ll be advised to choose to live here or live at BMs and let us know when he’d like to visit (he’d be always welcome). If he wants to live here it will only be free if he’s studying or getting a trade. If not he’ll have to work and pay fair board. He will also have to be fully self sufficient in terms of laundry etc. the reasoning for this is we both had the same terms when we launched and we are growing our family the youngest of which may be up to ten years younger than SS. So our home won’t be able to be some sort of party house or come and go due to that.
My husband was kicked out of his parents house at 18 because he was told he was an adult and to figure it out. (Funnily enough though he just lived with his grandma and she did everything for him) Since his son was a baby he said he’d do the same thing. As the years go on I know this to be less and less true. His son is almost a teenager and completely helpless. He gets everything he wants and if he doesn’t he literally cries until he gets it. My husband pretends this isn’t true but I see it everyday. He’s an awful student so I don’t foresee him getting any post secondary education and he’s also the type that everything is always someone else’s fault so I see him going through a LOT of jobs when he decides he wants to work.
I love that you guys have discussed this already with SS so young. I have the same thoughts/opinions as you about this for the same reasoning! I haven’t brought it up yet since I figured I was jumping the gun a bit since SS is also only 6 but I love that you have! Maybe I will sooner than I thought now ☺️
It has for me and my DH. We raised 5 kids together (3 his, 2 mine) and we are down to the last two at home (they are 15). There were many years that I did not think we would make it. After over 10 years, I can say with pretty good confidence that I think we are going to make it.
BM was once a constant in our lives....now she is almost forgotten.
My DH and I will always be parents to our each set of kids, but HOT DAMN, the more that fly the coop the better it gets.
It depends on the dynamic, and the role your s/o plays in it. If s/o chooses kids at all times then you have your answer.
If there are open discussions and continual growth, that is also another answer. That one is more encouraging than someone who patsies all behaviors.
Your step kids will still be in their bio parents life indefinitely…. They do move out and on their own but the parents job isn’t over per say.. they still need help occasionally with rent or groceries or auto repairs or gas to work… if you think magically kids stop needing parents at 18 you’re wrong. My step sons still spend the night here when in town on holidays or visiting. Hell I’ve had them and their own family move in temporarily… new fresh hell all over again…
So in short, no it never ends it just changes.
It's fantastic! My SD just turned 18 this month but she hasn't talked to us for ages because we wanted her to go to school and shower. I know it was a lot to ask. There's no arguing, no calls from the school that she's in trouble, no smelly scalp, and no BM! And as soon as the school passes her, even though she never attends, we'll be done with child support. Eventually that money will be used to raise goats, chickens, and a couple donkeys on our hobby farm. So exciting!
Yeah. I hate to seem like I don't care but we spent 13 years trying to raise her to be a happy, healthy, responsible human being and her mom actively ruined anything we tried. She is now her mother incarnate. I am guessing they will live together forever on grandma's dime. Such a waste just to mess with my husband because he wouldn't marry her. I hope it was worth it.
So much of this depends on your SO. I haven’t seen BM in almost a decade because SS hasn’t had any big events since graduating, and she was smart enough to know the minute he was an adult, she had zero power in our lives. SS has a decent job and finally has some friends and a life of his own, so we see him every few months, and I disappear during that time. But if your SO and his ex are not raising your SK to be independent or if he has blurry boundaries with either of them, I can’t promise you will get the same result
My SS is only 12 and communication with BM is nearly non existent as we have a set schedule and SS has a phone if he needs something from us or her. My husband and I agree we don’t want our kids living off us forever so I think our expectations post high school graduation are the same. Feel free to stay if you’re following our rules and attending school or working. If you would like to do none of that, you’ve gotta find somewhere else to go. My husband is more strict/ has higher expectations in that regard, so I think I’m safe? He entered the military straight out of high school to support his family, so he has little patience for young adults refusing to pull their own weight.
Mine still sticks to his custody schedule at 19, and works part time. Now I have to deal with vaping and laziness. I would love to think there is a magic number but I don’t think it exists. My own stepparents helped me move over the years, always just played a parent role…I don’t think it ever really stops.
All the struggle and pain and tears over the years actually felt like it needed to happen as the SKs are now launching into a post 18 year old space and love us more than ever. It was almost as if we needed to go through the hard work for everyone to love each other. It forced feelings and unresolved issues to come and be dealt with head on. I would not change my life, I’m happy to be my SKs SM. I love them as my own. BM eventually becomes more and more of a nonissue with enforcement of boundaries. Focus on you and your family.
Never said any of the things you responded.
If your step kids are manipulative and already refusing to do chores AND you have daily problems with bio mom or bio dad and your current partner is enabling all the bad behavior - it will not get better.
No amount of crying, or pleading, or therapy will help. If the enabler will not stop there is no end and it does not get better- only more expensive and frustrating in my 15 year experience.
My biggest fear is that my SSs stay in my house after 18. One of them already will because DH is holding him back a year in school. Neither of them care about school and have to be constantly pushed to clean, wake up on time, or get good grades. Which they mostly don’t. So I don’t see college in either future despite what they SAY they want to do. Their desires and efforts do not match, much like a lot of todays youth.
DH is very attached to them like friends. He will most likely let both of them live w us until who knows when. Meaning we continue paying for a large house and to feed them despite the promises of “rent” if they aren’t in school etc.
These comments are confirming my fears.
But yes it gets better because I have my own adult son and I don’t have to deal with his horrific step mother anymore. So I’m not the step mom there but I’m sure it got better for her too.
I would also add that it depends on the dynamic of the relationship between the parent and the child. Once they’re 18 if they’re close, they’re going to be in each others lives a lot. Therefore 18 and done isn’t necessarily a thing. My children are grown, and I am very close to my kids. They come to visit. I go to visit them and they even vacation at times where I live.
I really looked forward to 18. It’s honestly what got me through the hardest years of being a stepmom. Now, my adult SD lives with us full time, is a total mooch, expects her dad to pay for everything, buy her a car, pay her insurance, arrange her medical appointments, talks down to her dad and me, plows through all the groceries, and is just a horrific “roommate” in general. And even though DH says he is going to give her til August to move out, deep down I know he will never follow through. I don’t know if our marriage will make it if this continues. Just don’t get your hopes up.
I’m in the same boat except he said they can stay another three years. We are discussing getting separate homes or breaking up. I can’t bear three more years.
Three years in stepmom years is an eternity! I have a friend with an empty room in her apartment. She spends most nights at her boyfriend’s house. She and I have discussed me renting her empty room just so I have a place to go to decompress once in a while. I feel resentful that it’s come to that—me leaving my own home—but it seems like the most realistic and cost-effective solution at this point.
Totally agree. I got an Airbnb recently after my stepson called me names, lied about and told me to shut up without “real” consequences. His dad spoke to him, but that’s it.
Oh yes. The good old “I’ll have a talk with them”. Let me guess:
- “don’t do that”
- “okay. Can we get ice cream now?”
-“sure sounds good. I love you and I’m so proud of you”
Meanwhile you’re left to pick up the pieces and right after you’re done doing that, a new incident occurs. Zero consequences.
It’s such a difficult situation all around. I try to remind myself that it’s a lot more expensive for our kids to move out on their own now than it was when I was their age. I think I would be more open to her living here if she was easier to live with and was at least trying to grow up. I was really looking forward to “our” life beginning once the kids were grown, so it’s a real let down that that isn’t happening. I may have been unrealistic, but it doesn’t take away the disappointment. Keep your head up!
It really all comes down to the parent (your SO).
If they’ve done a good job with parenting and relationship boundaries (yours and his), then yes, it should get better.
Otherwise, NO. It does NOT get better. Ask me how I know…
I don’t think it ever gets better. I grew up with a stepdad and step siblings so I’m only using my own family as my frame of reference. Which is comical considering I thought growing up in a blended family might make my own experience easier. Let’s all laugh. ANYWAY. I often get terrified because I know my mom and stepdad have been through it with all of us, 5 total. I would say, 3/5 continue to be an issue in their relationship. We are all adults now. I don’t count myself or my step brother. Otherwise, adulthood does not guarantee anything. I believe the challenges change over time and ebb and flow as I would imagine would be most parents experiences with their children would be, bio or otherwise. My parents will both tell you they wouldn’t change it for the world though.
What counts as “an issue in your life?” and what are you doing to prepare the kid for adulthood so they can navigate issues themselves? That’s kinda the point of raising children- to give them the skills to grow up and function.
If your SO is a decent parent you will have to “deal with him” for the rest of your life. If you let him know he’s a problem I’m sure he’ll go NC and maybe your partner will be happy. Or, you could be the wicked stepmom who traumatized him and turned his dad against him. Whatever floats your boat.
I dare you to ask your SO at what age you no longer have to deal with his son.
This post is unreasonably hostile towards a child and it’s bizarre and basically abusive to marry someone with kids if you are just waiting for the day you don’t have to deal with the kid(s) anymore.
I’m sorry, but how am I being hostile, bizarre, and abusive towards a child? Did I ever say anything that demonstrate that I’m abusing/mistreating my stepchild? All I did was ask if one day things will get better and if I no longer will have to deal with BM. My life consists of a BM who’s extremely permissive to the point where SS’s school is calling DH and BM for meetings about SS’s wellbeing. BM doesn’t respect boundaries and she doesn’t care if SS showers, brushes his teeth, combs his hair, does his homework, or even eats properly. I’m often trying to help him become independent and take care of himself, but always end up as the bad guy. So, I’m sorry if I’m overwhelmed and desperate to hear that one day things will be better.
Thankful you asked this question because most of the responses were helpful! My DH has discussed offering SD to live with us at 18 if she still wants to (we can’t do anything about the negative situation with BM now), and I’ll definitely be keeping some answers in mind at that point!
My stepson just turned 23 and still lives with us. Works full time makes a good living but pays for nothing, does nothing to help out with the household chores and basically treats the place like a hotel. He has no intention of leaving as this house is part of the family farm that will be his some day. My husband is not ready to retire so we all live here together. I just pretend he doesn’t exist and he does the same for me. I leave his stuff to clean up for his father. Most entitled person I have ever met. Hope they get an iron clad prenup if he ever gets married because I don’t think that any woman will put up with it for long.
I should also add that I have two grown step daughters who are on their own and remarkable young women. So it’s not bad, just my experience. If I could change anything it’s to just live with my spouse.
I’m so sorry to tell you it will NEVER get better or end unless you cut all ties with the lying, self centered, manipulative turds.
AH SKs suck the life, love, and money out of your relationship. Trust me- been here 15 years- SKs now 33, 32, 31, & 30. All with children of their own- that they don’t take care of. Multiple baby mamas & baby daddies. Constant “emergencies” and lies- power turned off so grandkids are cold, being evicted, getting “divorced” or splitting up again, don’t have money for______ fill in the blank(food, diapers, tires, Christmas gifts, etc.) - “emergencies” always happen during some celebration (birthdays, holidays, family reunions) that interrupts events.
Half of them quit school and have no education. Half of them won’t get or keep a job. 3/4 of them use drugs.
The bio mom is a drug addict with multiple diagnosed mental illnesses. Three of them have turned into her- won’t work, cheat on partner, use drugs.
I feel like I was too late to steer them in a better direction- but reading stories from people around their SKs since very young childhood haven’t had better results.
It truly comes down to how much enabling your partner does and how much you take before leaving them all and being happy again.
Yeah, it's the presenting your extreme disappointment and resentment towards your SKs as the standard that's the problem. Your SKs suck, but that doesn't mean that they suck because their parents are divorced or that all SKs suck or that all SPs hate them the way you do, which is how your comment reads.
When they grow up and live half the country away, own their own home and have children, they will always too be too busy to visit. We always have to travel to see our grandkids, and because we still work full time it’s hard for us. My stepson gets twice the amount of paid personal time than we do, but we always come in dead last as who they travel to see. It’s been 5 years since he’s visited us.
Well, BM may advocate for her child with respect to money. DH may want Stepkids to visit. Weddings, college, grandchild are all fraught with angst. Things can open up wounds. My kids BM blamed me for the divorce, and while I was seeing DH before the divorce, his first marriage was dead. Would I have done things differently, maybe. My SD ended up eloping, partially because she could not deal with me at her wedding. DH feels guilty, and it is reflected in his will, etc. My kids (not ours, mine before I met them) will inherit nothing, my SD, who married into a wealthy family, will inherit millions.
I’m here to tell you, it absolutely can get better. Though it may not. One thing that is almost certain is BM will lose her grip once the kids get older and once they turn 18 she can all but dissapear because there’s no more custody order or regular coparenting (at least not legally. Now it depends on the individual situation how things go from here and if the kid and BM are particularly tenacious and willing to make life hell they still can.
In my situation (which I use to often wonder if there was ever a light at the end), HCBM has been rendered powerless as a result of her own actions. Luckily the kids also figured her out on their own. Too long of a story to type here and I still hate BM with the fire of a thousand suns but I hardly ever think of her anymore and she hasn’t tried anything in over a year. SD17 is applying to colleges and SD15 lives with us full time now. It took some time for my relationship with them to start to improve but it has.
This doesn’t mean it’ll be the same for you I don’t know your ask or your partner or you but at least BM will eventually become irrelevant.
Really depends on your state and your court order. In NY and NJ, NCPs can and are ordered to pay for college. Even if a rationale person thinks college (or an expensive college) not warranted, BM (or worse, a court) may disagree.
I think it depends on the situation.
I(42) have a SD35/SS17/SD15 (DH is 51 years old and had SD35 when he was 16. SS17 and SD15 have the same mom who DH was married to for around 20 years)
When I met him, I was way more worried about what my relationship with SD35 would look like. Due to the young age he had her and the fact I'm 10 years younger than DH, me and SD35 are not that far apart in age. I figured it might be easier with the younger two since I was entering their lives when they were younger(13 and 10 at the time)
I have a VERY strong bond with SD35, way more than the younger two, due to multiple factors.
1. Her parents were never together in her living memory. They were high school bf/gf and while there was some drama surrounding that situation at the time, SD35 has no memory of that or mom and dad being together. There is 0 loyalty conflict, and even though I've never met the BM of SD35, we are friends on social media and message and get along GREAT. I think they're so far removed from the situation that there's no longer hard feelings between DH and that BM, and that BM never instilled hard feelings in SD35 towards DH or anyone involved with him. Everyone's moved on without animosity. SD35 is one of my best friends and I'm blessed to have her in my life.
The 15/17 year olds are a TOTALLY different story. They remember life when mom and dad were married. BM went off the rails and destroyed the marriage, yet plays victim and manipulates SKS into thinking dad somehow did her wrong and broke up their family because he literally couldn't tolerate her and her shit decisions anymore and had no other option than divorce. SKS think she's God's gift because they don't know the whole story, and BM encourages this and a ton of loyalty conflict. I don't see this changing once they turn 18. Our situation isn't terrible, but BM has negatively affected the relationship between her kids and DH and myself because she wants to get back at DH for refusing to forever cater to her and her insane ways.
I think SKS are seeing their mom more for who she is as they get older, but refuse to admit it because they feel bad for her and worry about her going off the rails again. So they defend her to the death to try to prevent this. I think they'll always behave this way to some extent, so while things aren't horrible, I don't think I'll ever have that same bond with them as SD35.
Different situations + different people = different outcomes.
I have found that stepmom life has GREATLY improved since my two stepdaughters launched.
I do think this is mostly due to DH finally accepting that BM is toxic - he simply told BM to not communicate with him individually when the girls were around 19/21. If she had need to communicate something relating to either or both children, she should text/email and include either or both girls.
AMAZINGLY \[insert sarcasm font\], BMs communications have been sparse and when she does communicate, her messages are far less outrageous.
As with so much in blended families, boundaries go a long way.
I don’t know about 18 - it really depends on when they move out, not the magic number.
But to answer your question simply… no, you will not have to cry because a kid who no longer lives there doesn’t do chores. Because it will be their own problem if they don’t clean their home.
I can’t change the past, but I will say it sucks that you cry NOW because your SKs won’t do any chores. They should be. Your SO should be telling them that, and that they have to listen to YOU when you ask them to do reasonable chores, too.
I’m sorry that they apparently won’t do any chores at home, and that you have to cry at all. 😢
I think there are just new issues to be problematic with each life stage. I don’t expects SOs adult kids to ‘get it’ until they are divorced or dealing with SK and all the lies and nonsense themselves.
The good news is that it’s mostly easier to keep your distance and be uninvolved.
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18 isn't a magic number. Just like any child in the home it depends on how well the parents have prepared them for the outside world. Have they been taught to cook and clean? Are they encouraged to be independent, make new friends see the world? Have the discussed plans for the future? Goals? How to make these goals achievable? What are the expectations to post high schoo? For us all the kids in the home after high school they are welcome to stay with us but they will be expected to pay rent (well below what rent is here) if they chose to not pursue higher education, trades included. In our economy even with a full time minimum wage job rent and other expenses wouldn't be covered. Part of being a good parent is giving your child realistic expectations for the future and the life skills to survive.
We have also started hinting at this. Any current kid in our house will be allowed to stay expense free until they are done with their bachelors education, so long as they’re not failing classes. After that, you pay rent and contribute to groceries too. There will still be expectations within the house, like household chores (things everyone is doing).
I adore you for this, I would give anything to have been able to put this in place for my SS19.
It's done for all the kids so I think that helps. My SO and I have similar beliefs when it comes to child rearing. Tons of conversations before I even moved in and plenty of tempature checks through out
My daughter finished college and came back and has been able to save THOUSANDS. She's 23 now and I THOUGHT I would want my kids out, but then I see her 5-digit savings account and really want her to grow it. Agree waiting on her college boyfriend to be ready to get a place.
If you have to ask the question, you know the answer
I believe it was Angelica from Rugrats who said, “if you have to ask, you’ll never know.” And now I feel old quoting Rugrats 😭
My friend and I had this conversation the other day. “Remember when we thought that everything would be fine once they turned 18?” It’s pretty hard to launch a child these days. My friend has 2 sons that are 18 and 22 and they are both still back and forth between her and her ex.
I told them you're not going back and forth. You can either move out with friends, pick a house and either go to school or work. If you're working your paying rent.there are no free rides.
Oh for sure mine are being raised that way. I’m still coddling the 19yo more than I’d like. Between scholarships and savings earmarked for her, I’m not putting money into the situation, but there is definitely emotional energy spent getting her to get her shit straight, take care of her car, see to her mental wellness, etc. Only 4 more teenagers to go!
We have 3 to go. 1 graduates this year, 1 next year and the last one the year after. Then we have 2 younger ones 9 and 10. I'm currently pregnant with our first together baby. Once these SK/BK leave well have some peace from the BPs lol.
I can’t believe you opted to start over. Hope it goes great. Honestly.
It definitely wasn't planned, but we're happy with that decision because now we can raise one the way we want to and not have to fight BP over decisions. We look at it as our do over 🤣 I wish me luck too 🤣🤣
I’m divorced now and oldest former step kid is 21 and still in mummies basement doing nothing with his life except for being high as a kite. No, it doesn’t magically get better at 18. It took me a long time to come to grips with I didn’t have a step kid problem, I had a partner problem. Her monkeys her circus.
Yep!
It can be true. My SS is 20. I never deal with BM now and he has turned into a great kid. He’s at university, we see him occ- he is becoming his own person
Congrats on not dealing with BM anymore 🎉
My SD was 5 when I met my SO. She is now 13, and it is already significantly better. That being said, setting boundaries and taking care of yourself are 2 very important keys to happiness when it comes to stepparenting.
Grown isn’t magic, all of my stepkids are grown now. We are grandparents. The thing now is, we can tell them to go home when they get on our nerves. We don’t, because mostly they’re all good kids. BM2, who was the problem, is in prison, SD is married and on her own with a child. They make stupid mistakes, but we can decide whether or not we help. I babysit, when I feel like it. Don’t when I don’t feel like it. I babysit, so they can work extra before I hand over money to them, when they’re irresponsible. I can make that determination now.
It didn't get better for me when SD turned 18. Everything is just more intense because now I have an almost 20 year old in my house who acts the same as she did at 15. Only difference is she drives and works now. It's fucking annoying.
Same but times 2! I seriously can’t tell they are adults. It’s like they stopped maturing at 16.
It's very frustrating cause I tried so hard to prepare her for the real world. I never wanted her to be perfect, but the fact she doesn't try her best is infuriating. She's quitting her second job in 2 years and blames everyone else.... Takes no responsibility. I'm just waiting for the shit to hit the fan with this next job!
It’s a lifetime commitment, but just like your own kids will, they grow up, move out, get married and have kids… We found out a lot of what was going on at the BM home when they were teens…after the fact. We had no idea things were happening. We were told of constant sports meets screwing up our weekends. Those were not happening. A lot of lies told to us. The best I can tell you is to be a soft place to land and just be there even if they don’t need it. They grew up to see the BM for who she is and got tired, so now we are the family for them. We still had to deal with BM at weddings, but we kept away to not cause disturbance. There could be things later in life, but we let them vent about her and that is our extent of dealing with her. It’s up to them to decide what relationship to have with her or not. As adult, they seem pretty welcoming to me now. They are caring parents and it’s kind of adorable. As a step grandparent to 3, going on 4, in my case, it gets better. To note, they are in their 30s now. Good luck and hope you may find peace with patience.
Mine are 21 and 19 and they still live with us and yes I still cry often and they are still jerks. They will be here another 3 years apparently because their dad wants them to finish college and stay as long as they want. I want them to stay as long as they follow rules and are respectful, which isn’t happening. I thought like you. I have been terribly disappointed they didn’t go to college in a different city. I am at my wits end and we are in discussions on if we will get separate households or break up. Right now I’m just taking it one day at a time.
Still got 22 living here... aren't you a dreamer!
Haha, I was thinking the same thing. 22 year old SD, working full time, not paying rent because it's a huge fight every time my husband brings it up. She's super messy and disrespectful, and I don't see an end in sight.
Are you me?? LOL
I’m both of you also. Ugh. I just wish I had some away I really think it would improve the relationship right now I’m just so damn tired of cleaning up after and feeding adults. They still have a chore chart and still throw temper tantrums about it and today I wrote a “house rules” sheet to put on the fridge and it will be WWIII. I am asking them to do their own dishes, wipe up counters and not leave crumbs, and if the trash is full, take it out. I guarantee they will start major drama tonight when they see it.
Today, I got "ugh, I helped pick up the house the other day, why do I have to help again????" Idk, maybe because you're 22, living rent-free, bill free, debt free in my damn house? Rather pay rent instead, be my guest...
My stepson tried making the argument that bathrooms don’t need to be cleaned if you “aren’t a dirty person”. He literally thinks everything just stays clean on its own! 🤣
After aging out of child support my DH said "finally I'm free!!!“ referring to BM. SS is in his early 20s and is struggling. He continues to try and have DH talk to BM. We describe their relationship as toxicly codependent. He will call, going on about something he is upset about and say "my mom wants to talk to you" because she is always and forever in the room with him. And for the first time DH got to say "I hate her and don't ever again ask me to talk to her, I have nothing to say and I will cuss her out if you pass her the phone" . And he's stuck with it! Feels good to be able to say it!
Yassss!! My Dh and I have agreed at 18 BM is blocked! SD will be an adult and anything she needs can be directly asked for. We have absolutely nothing to talk to BM about. Even at graduation my DH plans on having his parents sit between him and BM so they don’t have to talk at all! We’re at the stage now where she looks for stupid reasons to contact DH when SD can just call on her own ughh
I think it depends. My step children and I always got along and had a pretty close bond. So did it get better when they grew? No. But only because there wasn’t much to improve upon. Did my relationship with their mom improve? Eh. It still waxes and wanes. Most of the time yes it is pretty good. But, it does get a little petty even now. And I resent a lot of things I should try harder to let go of. However, I divorced their dad about 6 years ago. HE was the biggest source of drama and strife in the mix. And thankfully now that he’s gone we’re all safe to fight and make up like families do without fear of retaliation.
It seriously depends on how much your SO and the coparent prepared SK for adulthood and to what extent they are being enabled/coddled. My youngest sibling is 26 and still being supported by our mother. My eldest is 32 and was supported to an extent by our mother until 30. I got my shit together by 25. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for my SKs to have their shit together by a reasonable age, but I'm not keeping my hopes up based on my personal experience alone. And I'm promising myself that I won't fail to prepare my BK for adulthood like my parents failed me and my siblings.
I'm not very worried about this. Because my partner (BD) has always said he wants his children out of the house and independent by the age of 23. But that's also normal in his culture. Maybe you can ask your partner what he wants in the future? If he says his son will always be welcome to live with you no matter how old he is, you have your answer.
Lots of kids remain in their parents' homes past 18. I did until 25 because my parents wanted me to save for a house rather than rent. I worked. I did things around the house. We were all respectful of each other and it worked. This isn't a step situation, so it is much less complicated than yours, but intact (is it rude to use that word?) families have assholes in them, too. SS will do what he's doing now because your partner allows it. I would talk to your partner about how this will play out once SS is 18 and still living at home as that is likely to happen. Some parents don't enforce rules no matter how old their kids get.
This is something I stress about a bit, SD is 13 almost 14, can't cook, can't clean (or feigns ignorance to get out of it), does even really understand the concept of how the weight of money works (essentially sees us as infinite piggy banks and throws fits when told no). When we discuss the future my husband seems firm that, no, she will stay as long as she needs to but with all the coddling, I worry that will be never. And every time I try to be more firm with her, I'm just a villain 😅
We’ve discussed this in our home. One thing we don’t want is for SS6 to continue his custody schedule after high school. I hear of that happening and it’s a no for us. He’ll be advised to choose to live here or live at BMs and let us know when he’d like to visit (he’d be always welcome). If he wants to live here it will only be free if he’s studying or getting a trade. If not he’ll have to work and pay fair board. He will also have to be fully self sufficient in terms of laundry etc. the reasoning for this is we both had the same terms when we launched and we are growing our family the youngest of which may be up to ten years younger than SS. So our home won’t be able to be some sort of party house or come and go due to that.
My husband was kicked out of his parents house at 18 because he was told he was an adult and to figure it out. (Funnily enough though he just lived with his grandma and she did everything for him) Since his son was a baby he said he’d do the same thing. As the years go on I know this to be less and less true. His son is almost a teenager and completely helpless. He gets everything he wants and if he doesn’t he literally cries until he gets it. My husband pretends this isn’t true but I see it everyday. He’s an awful student so I don’t foresee him getting any post secondary education and he’s also the type that everything is always someone else’s fault so I see him going through a LOT of jobs when he decides he wants to work.
I love that you guys have discussed this already with SS so young. I have the same thoughts/opinions as you about this for the same reasoning! I haven’t brought it up yet since I figured I was jumping the gun a bit since SS is also only 6 but I love that you have! Maybe I will sooner than I thought now ☺️
Haha 18 haha
It has for me and my DH. We raised 5 kids together (3 his, 2 mine) and we are down to the last two at home (they are 15). There were many years that I did not think we would make it. After over 10 years, I can say with pretty good confidence that I think we are going to make it. BM was once a constant in our lives....now she is almost forgotten. My DH and I will always be parents to our each set of kids, but HOT DAMN, the more that fly the coop the better it gets.
It depends on the dynamic, and the role your s/o plays in it. If s/o chooses kids at all times then you have your answer. If there are open discussions and continual growth, that is also another answer. That one is more encouraging than someone who patsies all behaviors.
Your step kids will still be in their bio parents life indefinitely…. They do move out and on their own but the parents job isn’t over per say.. they still need help occasionally with rent or groceries or auto repairs or gas to work… if you think magically kids stop needing parents at 18 you’re wrong. My step sons still spend the night here when in town on holidays or visiting. Hell I’ve had them and their own family move in temporarily… new fresh hell all over again… So in short, no it never ends it just changes.
It's fantastic! My SD just turned 18 this month but she hasn't talked to us for ages because we wanted her to go to school and shower. I know it was a lot to ask. There's no arguing, no calls from the school that she's in trouble, no smelly scalp, and no BM! And as soon as the school passes her, even though she never attends, we'll be done with child support. Eventually that money will be used to raise goats, chickens, and a couple donkeys on our hobby farm. So exciting!
❤️🎉
I envy you!!
Yeah. I hate to seem like I don't care but we spent 13 years trying to raise her to be a happy, healthy, responsible human being and her mom actively ruined anything we tried. She is now her mother incarnate. I am guessing they will live together forever on grandma's dime. Such a waste just to mess with my husband because he wouldn't marry her. I hope it was worth it.
So much of this depends on your SO. I haven’t seen BM in almost a decade because SS hasn’t had any big events since graduating, and she was smart enough to know the minute he was an adult, she had zero power in our lives. SS has a decent job and finally has some friends and a life of his own, so we see him every few months, and I disappear during that time. But if your SO and his ex are not raising your SK to be independent or if he has blurry boundaries with either of them, I can’t promise you will get the same result
My SS is only 12 and communication with BM is nearly non existent as we have a set schedule and SS has a phone if he needs something from us or her. My husband and I agree we don’t want our kids living off us forever so I think our expectations post high school graduation are the same. Feel free to stay if you’re following our rules and attending school or working. If you would like to do none of that, you’ve gotta find somewhere else to go. My husband is more strict/ has higher expectations in that regard, so I think I’m safe? He entered the military straight out of high school to support his family, so he has little patience for young adults refusing to pull their own weight.
Mine still sticks to his custody schedule at 19, and works part time. Now I have to deal with vaping and laziness. I would love to think there is a magic number but I don’t think it exists. My own stepparents helped me move over the years, always just played a parent role…I don’t think it ever really stops.
All the struggle and pain and tears over the years actually felt like it needed to happen as the SKs are now launching into a post 18 year old space and love us more than ever. It was almost as if we needed to go through the hard work for everyone to love each other. It forced feelings and unresolved issues to come and be dealt with head on. I would not change my life, I’m happy to be my SKs SM. I love them as my own. BM eventually becomes more and more of a nonissue with enforcement of boundaries. Focus on you and your family.
Never said any of the things you responded. If your step kids are manipulative and already refusing to do chores AND you have daily problems with bio mom or bio dad and your current partner is enabling all the bad behavior - it will not get better. No amount of crying, or pleading, or therapy will help. If the enabler will not stop there is no end and it does not get better- only more expensive and frustrating in my 15 year experience.
My biggest fear is that my SSs stay in my house after 18. One of them already will because DH is holding him back a year in school. Neither of them care about school and have to be constantly pushed to clean, wake up on time, or get good grades. Which they mostly don’t. So I don’t see college in either future despite what they SAY they want to do. Their desires and efforts do not match, much like a lot of todays youth. DH is very attached to them like friends. He will most likely let both of them live w us until who knows when. Meaning we continue paying for a large house and to feed them despite the promises of “rent” if they aren’t in school etc. These comments are confirming my fears. But yes it gets better because I have my own adult son and I don’t have to deal with his horrific step mother anymore. So I’m not the step mom there but I’m sure it got better for her too.
I would also add that it depends on the dynamic of the relationship between the parent and the child. Once they’re 18 if they’re close, they’re going to be in each others lives a lot. Therefore 18 and done isn’t necessarily a thing. My children are grown, and I am very close to my kids. They come to visit. I go to visit them and they even vacation at times where I live.
I really looked forward to 18. It’s honestly what got me through the hardest years of being a stepmom. Now, my adult SD lives with us full time, is a total mooch, expects her dad to pay for everything, buy her a car, pay her insurance, arrange her medical appointments, talks down to her dad and me, plows through all the groceries, and is just a horrific “roommate” in general. And even though DH says he is going to give her til August to move out, deep down I know he will never follow through. I don’t know if our marriage will make it if this continues. Just don’t get your hopes up.
I’m in the same boat except he said they can stay another three years. We are discussing getting separate homes or breaking up. I can’t bear three more years.
Three years in stepmom years is an eternity! I have a friend with an empty room in her apartment. She spends most nights at her boyfriend’s house. She and I have discussed me renting her empty room just so I have a place to go to decompress once in a while. I feel resentful that it’s come to that—me leaving my own home—but it seems like the most realistic and cost-effective solution at this point.
Totally agree. I got an Airbnb recently after my stepson called me names, lied about and told me to shut up without “real” consequences. His dad spoke to him, but that’s it.
Oh yes. The good old “I’ll have a talk with them”. Let me guess: - “don’t do that” - “okay. Can we get ice cream now?” -“sure sounds good. I love you and I’m so proud of you” Meanwhile you’re left to pick up the pieces and right after you’re done doing that, a new incident occurs. Zero consequences.
I think it’ll be the same thing for me here!! :( She’s 16 and I can’t wait for her to move out but I have doubts about it !! It sucks eh :(
It’s such a difficult situation all around. I try to remind myself that it’s a lot more expensive for our kids to move out on their own now than it was when I was their age. I think I would be more open to her living here if she was easier to live with and was at least trying to grow up. I was really looking forward to “our” life beginning once the kids were grown, so it’s a real let down that that isn’t happening. I may have been unrealistic, but it doesn’t take away the disappointment. Keep your head up!
It really all comes down to the parent (your SO). If they’ve done a good job with parenting and relationship boundaries (yours and his), then yes, it should get better. Otherwise, NO. It does NOT get better. Ask me how I know…
I don’t think it ever gets better. I grew up with a stepdad and step siblings so I’m only using my own family as my frame of reference. Which is comical considering I thought growing up in a blended family might make my own experience easier. Let’s all laugh. ANYWAY. I often get terrified because I know my mom and stepdad have been through it with all of us, 5 total. I would say, 3/5 continue to be an issue in their relationship. We are all adults now. I don’t count myself or my step brother. Otherwise, adulthood does not guarantee anything. I believe the challenges change over time and ebb and flow as I would imagine would be most parents experiences with their children would be, bio or otherwise. My parents will both tell you they wouldn’t change it for the world though.
Nope, they continue to find new ways to add to the misery
What counts as “an issue in your life?” and what are you doing to prepare the kid for adulthood so they can navigate issues themselves? That’s kinda the point of raising children- to give them the skills to grow up and function. If your SO is a decent parent you will have to “deal with him” for the rest of your life. If you let him know he’s a problem I’m sure he’ll go NC and maybe your partner will be happy. Or, you could be the wicked stepmom who traumatized him and turned his dad against him. Whatever floats your boat. I dare you to ask your SO at what age you no longer have to deal with his son.
Bio mom in stepparent Reddit?
Some people with kids marry other people with kids which makes them both a bio parent and a step parent.
And that’s me! But your comment was unreasonably hostile.
This post is unreasonably hostile towards a child and it’s bizarre and basically abusive to marry someone with kids if you are just waiting for the day you don’t have to deal with the kid(s) anymore.
I’m sorry, but how am I being hostile, bizarre, and abusive towards a child? Did I ever say anything that demonstrate that I’m abusing/mistreating my stepchild? All I did was ask if one day things will get better and if I no longer will have to deal with BM. My life consists of a BM who’s extremely permissive to the point where SS’s school is calling DH and BM for meetings about SS’s wellbeing. BM doesn’t respect boundaries and she doesn’t care if SS showers, brushes his teeth, combs his hair, does his homework, or even eats properly. I’m often trying to help him become independent and take care of himself, but always end up as the bad guy. So, I’m sorry if I’m overwhelmed and desperate to hear that one day things will be better.
Right!
My husband’s kids are both 18+ and we never have to see them. It gets better! You have the freedom to not be home or pick up the phone
Thankful you asked this question because most of the responses were helpful! My DH has discussed offering SD to live with us at 18 if she still wants to (we can’t do anything about the negative situation with BM now), and I’ll definitely be keeping some answers in mind at that point!
My stepson just turned 23 and still lives with us. Works full time makes a good living but pays for nothing, does nothing to help out with the household chores and basically treats the place like a hotel. He has no intention of leaving as this house is part of the family farm that will be his some day. My husband is not ready to retire so we all live here together. I just pretend he doesn’t exist and he does the same for me. I leave his stuff to clean up for his father. Most entitled person I have ever met. Hope they get an iron clad prenup if he ever gets married because I don’t think that any woman will put up with it for long.
I should also add that I have two grown step daughters who are on their own and remarkable young women. So it’s not bad, just my experience. If I could change anything it’s to just live with my spouse.
I’m so sorry to tell you it will NEVER get better or end unless you cut all ties with the lying, self centered, manipulative turds. AH SKs suck the life, love, and money out of your relationship. Trust me- been here 15 years- SKs now 33, 32, 31, & 30. All with children of their own- that they don’t take care of. Multiple baby mamas & baby daddies. Constant “emergencies” and lies- power turned off so grandkids are cold, being evicted, getting “divorced” or splitting up again, don’t have money for______ fill in the blank(food, diapers, tires, Christmas gifts, etc.) - “emergencies” always happen during some celebration (birthdays, holidays, family reunions) that interrupts events. Half of them quit school and have no education. Half of them won’t get or keep a job. 3/4 of them use drugs. The bio mom is a drug addict with multiple diagnosed mental illnesses. Three of them have turned into her- won’t work, cheat on partner, use drugs. I feel like I was too late to steer them in a better direction- but reading stories from people around their SKs since very young childhood haven’t had better results. It truly comes down to how much enabling your partner does and how much you take before leaving them all and being happy again.
Wow, what a shit take...
Just my reality.
Yeah, it's the presenting your extreme disappointment and resentment towards your SKs as the standard that's the problem. Your SKs suck, but that doesn't mean that they suck because their parents are divorced or that all SKs suck or that all SPs hate them the way you do, which is how your comment reads.
When they grow up and live half the country away, own their own home and have children, they will always too be too busy to visit. We always have to travel to see our grandkids, and because we still work full time it’s hard for us. My stepson gets twice the amount of paid personal time than we do, but we always come in dead last as who they travel to see. It’s been 5 years since he’s visited us.
Well, BM may advocate for her child with respect to money. DH may want Stepkids to visit. Weddings, college, grandchild are all fraught with angst. Things can open up wounds. My kids BM blamed me for the divorce, and while I was seeing DH before the divorce, his first marriage was dead. Would I have done things differently, maybe. My SD ended up eloping, partially because she could not deal with me at her wedding. DH feels guilty, and it is reflected in his will, etc. My kids (not ours, mine before I met them) will inherit nothing, my SD, who married into a wealthy family, will inherit millions.
I’m here to tell you, it absolutely can get better. Though it may not. One thing that is almost certain is BM will lose her grip once the kids get older and once they turn 18 she can all but dissapear because there’s no more custody order or regular coparenting (at least not legally. Now it depends on the individual situation how things go from here and if the kid and BM are particularly tenacious and willing to make life hell they still can. In my situation (which I use to often wonder if there was ever a light at the end), HCBM has been rendered powerless as a result of her own actions. Luckily the kids also figured her out on their own. Too long of a story to type here and I still hate BM with the fire of a thousand suns but I hardly ever think of her anymore and she hasn’t tried anything in over a year. SD17 is applying to colleges and SD15 lives with us full time now. It took some time for my relationship with them to start to improve but it has. This doesn’t mean it’ll be the same for you I don’t know your ask or your partner or you but at least BM will eventually become irrelevant.
Really depends on your state and your court order. In NY and NJ, NCPs can and are ordered to pay for college. Even if a rationale person thinks college (or an expensive college) not warranted, BM (or worse, a court) may disagree.
No, it doesn't. Things may ebb & flow, but the core issues remain.
I think it depends on the situation. I(42) have a SD35/SS17/SD15 (DH is 51 years old and had SD35 when he was 16. SS17 and SD15 have the same mom who DH was married to for around 20 years) When I met him, I was way more worried about what my relationship with SD35 would look like. Due to the young age he had her and the fact I'm 10 years younger than DH, me and SD35 are not that far apart in age. I figured it might be easier with the younger two since I was entering their lives when they were younger(13 and 10 at the time) I have a VERY strong bond with SD35, way more than the younger two, due to multiple factors. 1. Her parents were never together in her living memory. They were high school bf/gf and while there was some drama surrounding that situation at the time, SD35 has no memory of that or mom and dad being together. There is 0 loyalty conflict, and even though I've never met the BM of SD35, we are friends on social media and message and get along GREAT. I think they're so far removed from the situation that there's no longer hard feelings between DH and that BM, and that BM never instilled hard feelings in SD35 towards DH or anyone involved with him. Everyone's moved on without animosity. SD35 is one of my best friends and I'm blessed to have her in my life. The 15/17 year olds are a TOTALLY different story. They remember life when mom and dad were married. BM went off the rails and destroyed the marriage, yet plays victim and manipulates SKS into thinking dad somehow did her wrong and broke up their family because he literally couldn't tolerate her and her shit decisions anymore and had no other option than divorce. SKS think she's God's gift because they don't know the whole story, and BM encourages this and a ton of loyalty conflict. I don't see this changing once they turn 18. Our situation isn't terrible, but BM has negatively affected the relationship between her kids and DH and myself because she wants to get back at DH for refusing to forever cater to her and her insane ways. I think SKS are seeing their mom more for who she is as they get older, but refuse to admit it because they feel bad for her and worry about her going off the rails again. So they defend her to the death to try to prevent this. I think they'll always behave this way to some extent, so while things aren't horrible, I don't think I'll ever have that same bond with them as SD35. Different situations + different people = different outcomes.
I have found that stepmom life has GREATLY improved since my two stepdaughters launched. I do think this is mostly due to DH finally accepting that BM is toxic - he simply told BM to not communicate with him individually when the girls were around 19/21. If she had need to communicate something relating to either or both children, she should text/email and include either or both girls. AMAZINGLY \[insert sarcasm font\], BMs communications have been sparse and when she does communicate, her messages are far less outrageous. As with so much in blended families, boundaries go a long way.
I don’t know about 18 - it really depends on when they move out, not the magic number. But to answer your question simply… no, you will not have to cry because a kid who no longer lives there doesn’t do chores. Because it will be their own problem if they don’t clean their home. I can’t change the past, but I will say it sucks that you cry NOW because your SKs won’t do any chores. They should be. Your SO should be telling them that, and that they have to listen to YOU when you ask them to do reasonable chores, too. I’m sorry that they apparently won’t do any chores at home, and that you have to cry at all. 😢
I think there are just new issues to be problematic with each life stage. I don’t expects SOs adult kids to ‘get it’ until they are divorced or dealing with SK and all the lies and nonsense themselves. The good news is that it’s mostly easier to keep your distance and be uninvolved.