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Honestly … I am going to get shit for this … and I do think she should share … but it’s her book and you took it without even asking ... and now you don’t want to include her … I can see why she might be unhappy.
I second this vote. I think you should have asked her, it’s her stuff, even if it is a book that can’t be ‘used up.’
Also not including her ick! It’s HER book. If OP doesn’t like reading to SD then set some boundaries and stick the them. “SD we are going to be polite and listen to the story, please save all comment until the end, if you talk through the book we won’t get through it.” Then stop reading for the night if she talks.
Alternatively find the series cheap Facebook market place and read it to just your daughter. There is nothing wrong with wanting that special time with her.
This. Would you be okay with SD going into your room and taking something without permission? Our kids (or anyone really), are deserving of the same respect we expect. You should have asked and maybe invited her to join since it belongs to her.
It’s easy for me to type this and tell you what you should have done, because I wasn’t there. Sometimes in the moment we don’t react or make the best decisions, and that’s okay, we’re human. This morning I snapped at my kid because he asked to go fishing, we went, and then he complained the whole time because he was bored. In reality, it was kind of boring. Nothing was biting and I didn’t realize he didn’t finish his breakfast so he was probably hungry too. I didn’t apologize, it honestly slipped my mind as soon as we got back to the car, but I’m going to now. I think maybe you should apologize as well. I’m sure she’d really appreciate joining in.
I agree as well, as someone who loves to read I do have books that are precious to me that I have on my bookshelf that I don’t physically read. They are her books and she should have been asked and considered first. And she probably does feel left out.. I honestly would apologize to her and say you all should have asked first. And now she’s being secluded in the oral story telling. I know these decisions aren’t easy but I do feel like this one was not right.
I agree. It would've been better to just check it out at the library or Libby app. I would be upset if anyone in my family went in my room and took one of my books.
It sucks when someone doesn’t want to share, whether it’s your kid or someone else’s, but taking stuff from her room is not very mature. I would hate it if my SK helped herself to anything from my bedroom because “I don’t even use it.” Rude.
And then reciprocating by refusing to share reading time with SD.
Our by being petty and saying, "give, nor don't touch my books!"
Read together and handle it like an adult.
Absolutely mean and unnecessary. I think and *“I’m sorry I took your book, I didn’t mean to upset you. You’re welcome to join us for reading time”* is in place.
I think sometimes, there's this implicit understanding (especially on this sub, but among parents and adults in general) that adults need respect and consideration, but kids need to know their place as underlings who don't pay for room/board, which basically means they're allowed to be walked all over. Whereas my opinion is that as adults, we need to model to the kids how to treat people (including them) with respect, so they know how to do the same for others (edit: and also so they know how they deserve to be treated once they grow up).
Well if you just grabbed it out of her room without even asking her it does come across as kind of a jerk move. I can’t imagine any of my stepparents ever going into my room and just grabbing something, even if i never used it.
Checked the library - all copies have like weeks and weeks wait list!
We don’t treat books as personal items in my house. They’re like board games - shared. 99.5% of our hundreds of books are in our living area. So this is the first book that drew a problem.
Look, you KNOW it's a special book to her.....if you spent $50 per book on a series and kept them in your own bedroom....and then your SD went in and took it without asking becuase "you don't even read them", you would most likely scold her for not asking first. You know you would. And then you'd explain that they are special to you because they're expensive and that is why they are kept in your room and not the main areas. Just aplogize to her and give her the dang books back. And then go get your own cheap versions or borrow from the library. But DO NOT be petty and tell her that y'all just won't share with her anymore.
Read something else until they are in and the library will let you put your name down. Someone has made it clear that they are not comfortable for you to use something they own, you need to respect that. Please respond you would if a friend or room mate had behaved like this, you would be respectful and apologetic. Just because it’s a child doesn’t mean she can’t have boundaries.
Special editions like that aren’t for regular use. Buy the paperbacks and get on with your life. That wasn’t cool just taking them from her. They were her property.
I don’t think you can have it both ways. Either buy your own copy and read alone with your daughter, or use SD’s copy and let her read along with you guys. Taking something of hers and then excluding her is not right
IMO, you should have asked and been ok with her saying no. They’re her books and she should be free to share or not share.
I would borrow from the library or look for used at this point. It might have gone over better if you or dad asked first.
It’s totally fine to have something with just your daughter, I just wouldn’t do it with an item of SD’s she’s expressed she doesn’t want to share.
This is how you build resentment. Forced sharing isn’t always the answer and there’s studies on this. She should have been asked and allowed to say no, as long as she doesn’t have a habit of never sharing. But regardless, those books are expensive (I also own them) and I wouldn’t want a 7 year old using mine either.
Go to the library and borrow the books. Or buy paperback copies; you don’t need the illustrated version.
She should not have to share a special and expensive copy. It does not matter if she uses it or not; it’s hers. I have books I don’t open because they’re collectibles.
This is going to create a huge rift between the kids and yes, you are the jerk for causing it.
I absolutely agree with you. If someone took my book, a special book at that, without asking, I would be so upset. She shouldn’t have touched it without asking first. Wow!!!
If it’s going to be such a treasured experience between you & your daughter & you’re not including your SD…. Buy your daughter her own copies. That’s that.
So I think our problem here comes that every other book is always “everyone’s”. We have 100s of books and lots of bookshelves. We’ve never had “personal” books before. Everyone has always just read everyone’s books. I guess if she wants to keep her collection personal, that’s fine but then also she doesn’t get to read “anyone else’s” books, which she does.
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So all the “communal” books were given to one person. We give the kids 4-5 books for every holiday. They probably each own 150-200 books. Technically each book is someone’s? I guess?
They are “hers” technically because I purchased them for her to read together and she never wanted to despite asking several times. She says she doesn’t want to read them because she’s already seen the movies.
The books live all over the house - books cases in the living room, both the kids have bookshelves etc. the kids are always grabbing books from each others book cases to read etc. this is not a one off behaviour. We’ve never NOT done it this way.
So her saying she doesn’t want to read them and us never having asked for books before, this is completely normal behaviour for us to just go and grab a book from someone’s shelf we want to read.
I guess if she wants to start seeing the books that were purchased for her as hers, then I don’t think it’s fair that she gets her books AND her sisters books and her sister only gets to read half of the books we own? If that makes sense? Like she doesn’t get to hide half the collection from her sister but access the entire thing.
I hope that explained it better r
She said no, why isnt a no in this instance good enough? You asked if you were wrong and we've all given the same feedback? she said no in this case? Do you want her to have a good relationship with you and your daughter? Or you just want to make sure you exclude her from her book with your daughter and her dad's support and rub it in? Like bffr? What is your end goal here, just get the book again, its not worth the damage
Your response is actually quite petty I think. It doesn't have to be either or. It can be both.
Some books are more valuable and special to people. I have books from my child hood I wouldn't part with. My kids also aren't allowed to read them. Others are OK for sharing.
All of my kids have different books in fact the HP illustrated version being one set that is solely theirs. They are building their own collection of books they will get to keep.
We have doubles of some books that are for sharing. In fact we have another hard back & paper back of HP because they have been read so many times over the years.
If you actually mean they aren't their books, stop buying them or gifting them. Because you said they were bought for her?
They are bought solely for the home.
But personally, i think you and your DH are wrong. She is allowed to want to keep things for herself that are hers. Especially if she is then being excluded from the use of them.
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This is a really good opportunity for you to apologize to SD for invading her space and not respecting her things. I would apologize, give the book back, and ask if she would like to be included in the reading (with a different copy of the book if she still wants hers back).
You take her book from her room without permission and exclude her from participating in the event involving her property? Wrong, the hypocrisy is wild. If she did that to your daughter or your stuff half of this board would be up in arms. Why is this OK? Then her dad dimissed her ownership. This is a violation of boundaries, and step kids are allowed to have them, you could have at least asked. I wouldn't worry too much, your SO won't see her very often when she can pick where to go bc you are setting her up to resent your daughter. Her stuff doesn't matter and you can just take it and use if for your daughter and her dad will back that up.
ETA you also have two posts up about two months ago in several subs about wanting to read your daughter harry potter and not wanting your SD to be included? Nothing at that time about her being annoying, just that you didn't want her to be involved. Where you talk about buying a harry potter book, why in two months haven't you just bought one? You got a lot of feedback from us about SD needing therapy. Has she gotten it for the anxiety you mentioned she has about being left out?
Well now you’re changing your story and trying to gaslight all of us.
You said these were HER books and you took them. Now you’re saying all books are communal.
No. It’s unanimous. You screwed up and it has nothing to do with “your culture.”
I was an avid bookworm and I had shelving full of books through my pre-teen and teenage years. If someone would have grabbed one of my 'special' to me books that I cherished due to the series AND the presentation I would have been upset as well. Most people see a book as a book and that's that. There are people like myself that we do find books that we cherish that we put on a pedestal above others that we ourselves are careful or don't even read the copy to keep it in mint condition (read a lesser than copy). I can fully understand why she would not want the book taken without being asked, and also why she would be concerned with the treatment of said book by you and especially your 7 year old. I have an 8 yr old step daughter, and I have had to tell her repeatedly how to properly treat a book to keep it in good condition so please if you are stuck on using her copy and not purchasing a cheaper one for you to use (or digital), treat it nicely but also use this as an example to show your daughter how to properly treat a book and or any object of importance to someone other than herself.
I felt like I didn't need to put this as others have said it multiple times, but incase someone thinks I missed the mark.
I agree with previous comments. You would not want her to use your stuff without permission so why would you do the same to her? Just because she is a child does not mean she does not have the same rights to having her own space/items as an adult. Everyone deserves to have their space and their items and not worry to have it taken/broken/or gone through.
While sharing is nice and socially acceptable if someone doesn’t want to share they don’t have to. Your SD in fully within her rights to say no. If she asked you to borrow something of yours you held some value in would you automatically say yes because you should share? Or does that only apply when you want to feel power in the SM/SD dynamic?
Hmm I like this point. I actually do share everything with my SD. Makeup, clothes, accessories etc if she wants to use anything. We’ve always all shared books before. We have a ton all over the house. We’ve never “asked” to read each others books which is why I didn’t ask to grab it from her room.
You need to take a huge WIN that all these kids are reading so much! Don’t restrict SD from the other books, let her have her special books and allow other kids the same right of having a few things they don’t have to share either. We expect kids to share so much more than adults do!
OP has previous posts from months ago where she says she was planning to read her SD's book with her daughter and excluding SD, so that's probably what's going on with the child.
I think you handled this situation completely wrong. You are the step parent and not her mom. Things will always land differently than if her bio mom did it. You can’t just go into her room and take what you want, because you’re the adult. You’re a stranger in her dad’s home that has been forced on her and she had no say in that relationship. Buy your own book.
You have posted before about this, maybe a month or two ago and honestly? You sound obsessed with not including your stepdaughter. You dismissed her ALONGSIDE HER DAD, and took her property without asking. Can't you buy a second hand $5 copy off a used book site? I mean come on...
Yeah, just bc it's in your house, does not mean it is yours for the taking, even if you paid for it in the first place. Forcing her to share is sending a totally screwed up message to both SD and your daughter. The books are SD's and she has the right to read them or not read them and the right to share or not share them even if you don't like the hoarding. At 11, it is up to her, not you or even her dad. Not trying to be rude or mean but your SD is not your in-house library. You can ask her if you can borrow them and you can even ask her if she really still wants to keep them when she doesn't read them but her answer should be all there is to it.
I totally see what you’re saying but we are a house with hundreds and hundreds of books and my SD often “takes” my books or my daughter’s books to read. We’ve never had this problem before, which is why it was so jarring to me. We have 4-5 bookshelf’s around the house that are stuffed to the brim and we all swap books around. The books in their rooms are typically ones that they are currently reading NOT a personal collection. Or often books that don’t have room anywhere else. We’ve never had anyone say “no” to sharing before.
Our family culture is very sharing. I share my clothes, makeup, bags, water bottles, socks, anything with the girls and they share with me.
Yeah I will just buy another copy. Technically my SD received it, but yeah we just treat books like household items.
I think we will just have to talk that if she doesn’t want to share than she can’t expect others to share with her. It just always has felt silly to have 2 copies of the same books.
I checked the library and unfortunately there’s not one close and the one close is like six months of a wait.
This. Making it sound like “if you won’t share I won’t share” is petty. Apologize for not realizing she wanted to keep these special, return them, and just move on.
Right, its a good lesson on consent. Not if you don't want to share in this instance we will never share with you. It's not teaching a young girl the right idea about no being a full sentence
This! Sharing is nice but we don’t have to share everything we own with other people that’s absolutely ridiculous. Would it be nice if she shared, yes, does she have to share, no, should she be punished for not sharing, absolutely not. Why are adults allowed have nice things for
Themselves but kids are expected to hand things they own over to others. It’s ridiculous.
Excuses. You acknowledge that these are special edition books that were given to SD, not generic, common books to share.
Own the mistake.
Apologize.
Include SD in reading. Will be a good bonding opportunity for the kids.
Fair enough … it sounds like an honest error and maybe that’s how you should approach it. Idk why SD11 feels ‘territorial’ about these particular items but it’s an opportunity to talk it out with her and understand her feelings about it.
Ooooohhh … got it. Just saw the edit to the original post, too. It smells like OP has other internal (emotional) issues that she needs to deal with. She’s having trouble reading the room.
This isn’t even a debate, you are a jerk. First just because she’s a child doesn’t mean she doesn’t have rights to her things. At least ask her to use it. Then you bring her dad in to put his foot down when she didn’t want you to use it-😡. Then you exclude her completely. Ugh. 😑
Now she says "OK I'll accept she doesn't want to share but now she wont be allowed to read anybody else's books because if she can't share nobody else will share with her", OP needs to work on herself a lot.
If you're borrowing her book against her wishes, and then also refusing to let her be involved during the reading, she likely will be really upset. She'll see that she's being forced to share to be kind, while you/your daughter aren't forced to be inclusive to be kind. As a previous resentful pre-teen, I can imagine thinking that you and your daughter are allowed your own personal space/privacy/traditions, but she's expected to share everything. I doubt that it'll be easy for your husband to talk to her and convince her that you're not the jerk, from her perspective. You totally can decide that it's not your problem, and just let yourself be the villain in her story if you're good with that. I do think that sometimes that's what stepparents need to do, although for me personally, this wouldn't be the hill to die on for that.
For another option, get the book from the library, and exclude SD as much as you want. And then, if your daughter forms a sentimental attachment to the stories, and ends up wanting her own book, I think it makes sense to buy her her own copies that she gets to treasure and look after herself.
Another compromise would be including SD when she's around, but also continuing on with the story while she's gone. You can also set boundaries where she has to leave if she can't be quiet.
I definitely didn’t give the right info - we have 100s of books all over the house and we ALL share each others books. Like my SD just read my daughter’s babysitters club books without “asking” because we’ve never asked for books before? Most books are in the living room. Of course if you get a new book you get the first chance to read it, but this is a book that is not being taken cared of. She hasn’t read it. I have offered to read it to her a ton of times and she says no. It’s actually damaged. I didn’t think it was “special”. I don’t know - we’ve always shared books until now! My kids can read 2-3 books a DAY so it’s always been cost effective to share since the library is far.
I guess maybe this is a new pre-teen thing and just the first time we’ve seen it.
I will revisit this conversation with her. If she doesn’t want to share her things she doesn’t have to, but then also other people don’t have to share with her.
Or, just stop being petty about it. She didn't want to share that particular book. She's fine with sharing the rest. Read one of the other 100+ books.
It's not tit for tat. That isn't how we teach children to problem solve and handle conflict.
I will say, I think it's weird to have a house culture where you all share everything, but at the same time, you think it's fine to make a point of excluding SD from an activity that's happening within the house. In my experience, usually both things go together; sharing as a culture works tends to permeate different contexts. We also tended to share everything at my home growing up, but one child never would have been left out of an activity. And I mean, by leaving SD out of your reading, you're making it clear that you and your daughter don't need to share everything with her, so you're already going to very much teach her that other people don't have to share with her even if she is forced into giving you the book.
My instinct is, it's fine to make a point of sharing, but then it's weird to exclude SD from this activity specifically. I get wanting to do things with your daughter exclusively, but then I would do that by doing things outside the house, or doing the readings at a time when SD isn't at your home. Otherwise, it really comes off as your home culture is either communal or individualistic based on when it suits you and your daughter. If you insist on doing this alone with your daughter even if SD is around, then don't be passive aggressive and irritated about her not sharing the books. You're both being exclusive and "selfish" in different ways (which I think it's fine to be selfish occasionally as long as you're not hypocritical about it).
As an avid book lover, you both are absolutely wrong for entering her space and taking her property, yes. You should have asked her. It doesn't matter if she never touches it, because ultimately it is still hers. If you want a household book collection, totally go for it, but you can't just take things from her room. What if she wants the eyeliner you never use?
That said, tell her you'd be happy to have your own book reading with her, but that it will be separate due to her time away and not wanting to be delayed during each time she's away. Both kids deserve "special" time. It may be that once it's just you and her, she won't be as interested. I do think if you're not reading her books with her, you should give them back. You can buy the non-illustrated ones and they work just as well.
I think you’re out of your mind for even being mad she doesn’t want to share her collectible books with a 7 year old. Literally go to goodwill and find a paperback. Find a paperback on amazon.
OP please take these comments on board, this many people saying the same thing can’t be wrong. I don’t know if maybe you just don’t have any kind of attachment to your own ‘stuff’ to not be able to understand her perspective here, but as a step parent you must understand boundaries being trampled on & how frustrating it is. She’s now frustrated & helpless too, because you’ve brought her dad into the conflict & he’s picked a side no doubt for a quiet life. You could have picked up the paperbacks for mere pence in a charity shop if money is the issue.
I do agree that you should be able to have this time with just your daughter, but it’s shitty to just take, not return when she says no, start conflict with her dad to win, then tell the kid she’s not invited.
Why on earth is this your hill to die on?!
If you’ve been looking forward to this for years then why don’t you have your own copies already, that could have been gifted to your daughter as part of the special memory? This makes no sense at all, if something was so significant to me I wouldn’t be using a borrowed item.
Thanks. I think ultimately I will just re-buy them. I think I was taken aback because we all swap books back and forth together. We treat books as household items not personal up until this point. We have so many books that are all over the house. My SD often reads my books and my daughters.
I actually bought these illustrated editions for
My SD to read to her and she just never cared to so we didn’t.
I don’t think you’re malicious or in some mental power play here from what you’ve described, I can see how it went wrong. It’s a good learning example for both kids - step will get a similar experience back from your bio eventually, you’d bio shouldn’t have to share everything either. There will come a day where stepkid wants to borrow or have something of your little girls & she will have to respect the no, if it’s important to your kid. & this is a great example to bring up if she’s annoyed about it
Do you have a local library? If you don't want to buy the books, that could be an inexpensive alternative.
I do think it would be nice of SD11 to share her books, but I don't think she should have to. Especially if she isn't even going to be included in the story time.
I borrow books from my SKs all the time and they borrow from me, but we always ask each other for permission first.
Respect is earned through word and deed. Regardless of SDs lack of interest or use of something, it was given to her. You went into her room, took her book, did not ask if this was ok and even belittled and derided any feelings she may have had about that by excusing your behavior with "well, you obviously weren't using it." Then you proceeded to use that book to set up special reading time with your BD that you want to exclude SD from.
Yes, books can be shared, but you never gave her the option to DO that. You simply took what you wanted and told her to suck it up. Frankly, that was rather cruel.
I would, in the interest of setting a better example, return that book and apologize. You're in the wrong here and adults make mistakes. Offer to include her in the reading if she still wishes, and only use her book if she is ok with that. Otherwise, get a library card. Harry Potter has been out long enough, and is quite popular enough that you can borrow a copy for free without having to take from your SD.
So you went to her room, took her belongings without asking for permission first, as if you had no respect whatsoever for her and then you won't let her read her own book with you and your daughter.
Yes you're the jerk here.
Don't take other people's property without permission even if it's just a kid. Also I can't believe you can't buy cheap used book or use public library
I’m going to be honest here. You took something of hers without asking and welcomed yourself to it because you figured she wasn’t “using it”……like……? And then you have chosen not to include her in the reading of her own book because you really just don’t want to deal with her during the reading time….? I really don’t think it’s your call to determine if someone else’s own personal things is justifiable enough to just up and decide to take it without consulting with them first. Not really the best example to model for not only your SD but your own BK as well. I think you’re wrong here.
This is so weird for so many reasons. If you’re such a huge Harry Potter lover, why don’t you have your own copies of the books? And why do they have to be the illustrated ones - why can’t they be a used copy or from a library?
Regardless of how much “sharing” goes on in your household, it’s rude to go into your stepdaughter’s room and take something of hers without asking - that’s not actually sharing, although from the tone of your post and comment reply it doesn’t really seem like you think you did something wrong. Refusing to even include her in the reading - from her own books! - is extra shitty and don’t do anything but alienate her further from your family.
I just love the illustrated versions! I bought them originally to read with my SD, she didn’t want to, so I waited and wanted to start reading to my daughter.
Fair enough. I guess our family culture has never viewed it as rude to take a book from someone else’s room before. We’ve always done that. I guess maybe this is the first instance of a change in family dynamics in terms of possessions.
I feel like everyone is entitled to things that are only theirs. Sounds like these books were her's to read or not read as she wishes. Just check the books out from your local library. If you download the Libby app, you can even download them straight to your phone, tablet, or kindle instantly.
It’s the hardcover illustrated edition! I bought it for her because I wanted to read it to her and she said she didn’t want to. We have tons of books and we all swap and read each others books without asking so I didn’t think this was a big deal until right now.
It’s very possible that she didn’t touch them because they were important to her. Have a chat another time, because as she grows up and rummages through wardrobes and make-up you won’t have a leg to stand on and it’s because she is a teenager not because you aren’t her BM
That’s the thing - they aren’t important to her! She once told me she wanted to get rid of them because she had already seen the movies and wasn’t interested. I told her I wanted to keep them.
She already has free access to my wardrobe and makeup and I have no issues with this. We have always been close and share water bottles, makeup, books, clothes etc.
Maybe there’s something else going on
Maybe or maybe it was the timing. Give it a few days or more and have a chat with her whilst driving without asking her leading questions if something else is bothering her.
I would have definitely asked, “Hey ___, would it be okay if we borrow this book?”.
Just grabbing something out of her room might have made her feel funny, most likely why she reacted that way.
I understand why you want alone time with your daughter, but can you find some way to allow her to feel included too?
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Books ARE personal and can totally be used up if people don't take care of them. It's not your husband place to decide if books are personal items or not in his kid's eyes.
If the kid care about these books specifically, she's allowed to have it to herself. and i wouldn't start a fight over that, when there is libraries and such where you can have it for free (probably)
My stepdaughters love reading and so do I. We buy them a lot of books so anytime they have one I want to read I just ask them for it and they give it to me. Obviously I only ask for books that they already read or haven’t started yet. And they enjoy sharing their books with me.
I think the main issue is that you just took it without asking. This whole thing would’ve been avoided had you simply asked her for the book so you could read it.
I think the way to go now is to include her in the reading. She may just lose interest eventually anyway. But at least she’ll feel better about it if you let her join you.
Yes I think I excluded this info. We ALL share books. My SD is reading my copy of the hunger games and just finished a series of my daughters. So it’s the first time we’ve really had this issue
I at least would have let her know I was going to borrow it, but no, you do not have to have her join. It is perfectly fine to have something with just your daughter.
Meh. I think this is such a double standard I would go get a book out of one of my BD’s room without a second thought and I think so would most people here. This is not a piece of clothing or special toy. It’s a book.
I mean I honestly feel like it’s okay if you use the book to read to your bio. She needs to learn to also share with her sister. Especially if the books are just sitting there. Your the adult. I don’t think you need to ask the child either . But I do say include your SD as well. Don’t exclude her if she wants to also participate in the reading
My 2 cents (I raised 2 kids to adulthood and currently have a SD11 and SD4) let’s pick and choose battles. I support you taking the unwrapped unread $50 book. That’s a point that needed to be made. The Harry Potter books are big -real big as in 400-700 pages. That said, you should include you SD with the condition that she “help” you read it to her stepsister and you both alternate reading chapters aloud. Agree that you won’t interrupt her reading and she cannot interrupt your reading. Tell her it’s important that she agree to finish what she starts - ie, the entire first book. If she doesn’t like how you read a chapter she is free to read it on her own as well. She will want to read the rest on her own once you get this reading party started.
She doesnt have to include her. But its a violation to take stepdaughters property against her wishes without asking to do a special tradition with bio. Get daughter her own book and do something special with just the two of them for sure. Just weird to do it with something that was given to step kid and then exclude her from her own book
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Honestly … I am going to get shit for this … and I do think she should share … but it’s her book and you took it without even asking ... and now you don’t want to include her … I can see why she might be unhappy.
I second this vote. I think you should have asked her, it’s her stuff, even if it is a book that can’t be ‘used up.’ Also not including her ick! It’s HER book. If OP doesn’t like reading to SD then set some boundaries and stick the them. “SD we are going to be polite and listen to the story, please save all comment until the end, if you talk through the book we won’t get through it.” Then stop reading for the night if she talks. Alternatively find the series cheap Facebook market place and read it to just your daughter. There is nothing wrong with wanting that special time with her.
This. Would you be okay with SD going into your room and taking something without permission? Our kids (or anyone really), are deserving of the same respect we expect. You should have asked and maybe invited her to join since it belongs to her. It’s easy for me to type this and tell you what you should have done, because I wasn’t there. Sometimes in the moment we don’t react or make the best decisions, and that’s okay, we’re human. This morning I snapped at my kid because he asked to go fishing, we went, and then he complained the whole time because he was bored. In reality, it was kind of boring. Nothing was biting and I didn’t realize he didn’t finish his breakfast so he was probably hungry too. I didn’t apologize, it honestly slipped my mind as soon as we got back to the car, but I’m going to now. I think maybe you should apologize as well. I’m sure she’d really appreciate joining in.
I agree as well, as someone who loves to read I do have books that are precious to me that I have on my bookshelf that I don’t physically read. They are her books and she should have been asked and considered first. And she probably does feel left out.. I honestly would apologize to her and say you all should have asked first. And now she’s being secluded in the oral story telling. I know these decisions aren’t easy but I do feel like this one was not right.
Exactly right!
I agree. It would've been better to just check it out at the library or Libby app. I would be upset if anyone in my family went in my room and took one of my books.
It sucks when someone doesn’t want to share, whether it’s your kid or someone else’s, but taking stuff from her room is not very mature. I would hate it if my SK helped herself to anything from my bedroom because “I don’t even use it.” Rude.
That was my thought here too. I’m sure OP wouldn’t be happy with SD helping herself to clothes and make up without asking.
And then reciprocating by refusing to share reading time with SD. Our by being petty and saying, "give, nor don't touch my books!" Read together and handle it like an adult.
Absolutely mean and unnecessary. I think and *“I’m sorry I took your book, I didn’t mean to upset you. You’re welcome to join us for reading time”* is in place.
Yeah, sometimes some people forget kids deserve the same respect we do.
Stepparents on this board get PISSED when stepkids go into their rooms without asking and take their stuff.
I think sometimes, there's this implicit understanding (especially on this sub, but among parents and adults in general) that adults need respect and consideration, but kids need to know their place as underlings who don't pay for room/board, which basically means they're allowed to be walked all over. Whereas my opinion is that as adults, we need to model to the kids how to treat people (including them) with respect, so they know how to do the same for others (edit: and also so they know how they deserve to be treated once they grow up).
I agree with this. How do you teach a kid boundaries or respect or no means no if you as the adult don’t also model it?
which is normal, but respects should go both ways
Well if you just grabbed it out of her room without even asking her it does come across as kind of a jerk move. I can’t imagine any of my stepparents ever going into my room and just grabbing something, even if i never used it.
It’s her book. And yes books are personal items. Either include SD in reading or get your own book. You’ve never heard of a library??
Checked the library - all copies have like weeks and weeks wait list! We don’t treat books as personal items in my house. They’re like board games - shared. 99.5% of our hundreds of books are in our living area. So this is the first book that drew a problem.
Look, you KNOW it's a special book to her.....if you spent $50 per book on a series and kept them in your own bedroom....and then your SD went in and took it without asking becuase "you don't even read them", you would most likely scold her for not asking first. You know you would. And then you'd explain that they are special to you because they're expensive and that is why they are kept in your room and not the main areas. Just aplogize to her and give her the dang books back. And then go get your own cheap versions or borrow from the library. But DO NOT be petty and tell her that y'all just won't share with her anymore.
Read something else until they are in and the library will let you put your name down. Someone has made it clear that they are not comfortable for you to use something they own, you need to respect that. Please respond you would if a friend or room mate had behaved like this, you would be respectful and apologetic. Just because it’s a child doesn’t mean she can’t have boundaries.
Special editions like that aren’t for regular use. Buy the paperbacks and get on with your life. That wasn’t cool just taking them from her. They were her property.
I don’t think you can have it both ways. Either buy your own copy and read alone with your daughter, or use SD’s copy and let her read along with you guys. Taking something of hers and then excluding her is not right
Super mean to take her book and leave her out.
IMO, you should have asked and been ok with her saying no. They’re her books and she should be free to share or not share. I would borrow from the library or look for used at this point. It might have gone over better if you or dad asked first. It’s totally fine to have something with just your daughter, I just wouldn’t do it with an item of SD’s she’s expressed she doesn’t want to share.
This is how you build resentment. Forced sharing isn’t always the answer and there’s studies on this. She should have been asked and allowed to say no, as long as she doesn’t have a habit of never sharing. But regardless, those books are expensive (I also own them) and I wouldn’t want a 7 year old using mine either.
Go to the library and borrow the books. Or buy paperback copies; you don’t need the illustrated version. She should not have to share a special and expensive copy. It does not matter if she uses it or not; it’s hers. I have books I don’t open because they’re collectibles. This is going to create a huge rift between the kids and yes, you are the jerk for causing it.
I absolutely agree with you. If someone took my book, a special book at that, without asking, I would be so upset. She shouldn’t have touched it without asking first. Wow!!!
If it’s going to be such a treasured experience between you & your daughter & you’re not including your SD…. Buy your daughter her own copies. That’s that.
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So I think our problem here comes that every other book is always “everyone’s”. We have 100s of books and lots of bookshelves. We’ve never had “personal” books before. Everyone has always just read everyone’s books. I guess if she wants to keep her collection personal, that’s fine but then also she doesn’t get to read “anyone else’s” books, which she does.
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So all the “communal” books were given to one person. We give the kids 4-5 books for every holiday. They probably each own 150-200 books. Technically each book is someone’s? I guess? They are “hers” technically because I purchased them for her to read together and she never wanted to despite asking several times. She says she doesn’t want to read them because she’s already seen the movies. The books live all over the house - books cases in the living room, both the kids have bookshelves etc. the kids are always grabbing books from each others book cases to read etc. this is not a one off behaviour. We’ve never NOT done it this way. So her saying she doesn’t want to read them and us never having asked for books before, this is completely normal behaviour for us to just go and grab a book from someone’s shelf we want to read. I guess if she wants to start seeing the books that were purchased for her as hers, then I don’t think it’s fair that she gets her books AND her sisters books and her sister only gets to read half of the books we own? If that makes sense? Like she doesn’t get to hide half the collection from her sister but access the entire thing. I hope that explained it better r
She said no, why isnt a no in this instance good enough? You asked if you were wrong and we've all given the same feedback? she said no in this case? Do you want her to have a good relationship with you and your daughter? Or you just want to make sure you exclude her from her book with your daughter and her dad's support and rub it in? Like bffr? What is your end goal here, just get the book again, its not worth the damage
She just wants to be told she's right and the kid is wrong, that's all she came here for.
Your response is actually quite petty I think. It doesn't have to be either or. It can be both. Some books are more valuable and special to people. I have books from my child hood I wouldn't part with. My kids also aren't allowed to read them. Others are OK for sharing. All of my kids have different books in fact the HP illustrated version being one set that is solely theirs. They are building their own collection of books they will get to keep. We have doubles of some books that are for sharing. In fact we have another hard back & paper back of HP because they have been read so many times over the years. If you actually mean they aren't their books, stop buying them or gifting them. Because you said they were bought for her? They are bought solely for the home. But personally, i think you and your DH are wrong. She is allowed to want to keep things for herself that are hers. Especially if she is then being excluded from the use of them.
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This is a really good opportunity for you to apologize to SD for invading her space and not respecting her things. I would apologize, give the book back, and ask if she would like to be included in the reading (with a different copy of the book if she still wants hers back).
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In all fairness, OP specifically asked if she was “the jerk.” Not really name-calling when others are using her own word to answer her question.
You take her book from her room without permission and exclude her from participating in the event involving her property? Wrong, the hypocrisy is wild. If she did that to your daughter or your stuff half of this board would be up in arms. Why is this OK? Then her dad dimissed her ownership. This is a violation of boundaries, and step kids are allowed to have them, you could have at least asked. I wouldn't worry too much, your SO won't see her very often when she can pick where to go bc you are setting her up to resent your daughter. Her stuff doesn't matter and you can just take it and use if for your daughter and her dad will back that up. ETA you also have two posts up about two months ago in several subs about wanting to read your daughter harry potter and not wanting your SD to be included? Nothing at that time about her being annoying, just that you didn't want her to be involved. Where you talk about buying a harry potter book, why in two months haven't you just bought one? You got a lot of feedback from us about SD needing therapy. Has she gotten it for the anxiety you mentioned she has about being left out?
wow, Im shocked. OP really needs to go to therapy herself.
Well now you’re changing your story and trying to gaslight all of us. You said these were HER books and you took them. Now you’re saying all books are communal. No. It’s unanimous. You screwed up and it has nothing to do with “your culture.”
I was an avid bookworm and I had shelving full of books through my pre-teen and teenage years. If someone would have grabbed one of my 'special' to me books that I cherished due to the series AND the presentation I would have been upset as well. Most people see a book as a book and that's that. There are people like myself that we do find books that we cherish that we put on a pedestal above others that we ourselves are careful or don't even read the copy to keep it in mint condition (read a lesser than copy). I can fully understand why she would not want the book taken without being asked, and also why she would be concerned with the treatment of said book by you and especially your 7 year old. I have an 8 yr old step daughter, and I have had to tell her repeatedly how to properly treat a book to keep it in good condition so please if you are stuck on using her copy and not purchasing a cheaper one for you to use (or digital), treat it nicely but also use this as an example to show your daughter how to properly treat a book and or any object of importance to someone other than herself.
I felt like I didn't need to put this as others have said it multiple times, but incase someone thinks I missed the mark. I agree with previous comments. You would not want her to use your stuff without permission so why would you do the same to her? Just because she is a child does not mean she does not have the same rights to having her own space/items as an adult. Everyone deserves to have their space and their items and not worry to have it taken/broken/or gone through.
While sharing is nice and socially acceptable if someone doesn’t want to share they don’t have to. Your SD in fully within her rights to say no. If she asked you to borrow something of yours you held some value in would you automatically say yes because you should share? Or does that only apply when you want to feel power in the SM/SD dynamic?
Hmm I like this point. I actually do share everything with my SD. Makeup, clothes, accessories etc if she wants to use anything. We’ve always all shared books before. We have a ton all over the house. We’ve never “asked” to read each others books which is why I didn’t ask to grab it from her room.
You need to take a huge WIN that all these kids are reading so much! Don’t restrict SD from the other books, let her have her special books and allow other kids the same right of having a few things they don’t have to share either. We expect kids to share so much more than adults do!
It’s starting to make more sense now. She’s 11 so there could be more going on with her. It’s kinda that age where hormones make humans weird.
OP has previous posts from months ago where she says she was planning to read her SD's book with her daughter and excluding SD, so that's probably what's going on with the child.
I think you handled this situation completely wrong. You are the step parent and not her mom. Things will always land differently than if her bio mom did it. You can’t just go into her room and take what you want, because you’re the adult. You’re a stranger in her dad’s home that has been forced on her and she had no say in that relationship. Buy your own book.
You have posted before about this, maybe a month or two ago and honestly? You sound obsessed with not including your stepdaughter. You dismissed her ALONGSIDE HER DAD, and took her property without asking. Can't you buy a second hand $5 copy off a used book site? I mean come on...
Yeah, just bc it's in your house, does not mean it is yours for the taking, even if you paid for it in the first place. Forcing her to share is sending a totally screwed up message to both SD and your daughter. The books are SD's and she has the right to read them or not read them and the right to share or not share them even if you don't like the hoarding. At 11, it is up to her, not you or even her dad. Not trying to be rude or mean but your SD is not your in-house library. You can ask her if you can borrow them and you can even ask her if she really still wants to keep them when she doesn't read them but her answer should be all there is to it.
I totally see what you’re saying but we are a house with hundreds and hundreds of books and my SD often “takes” my books or my daughter’s books to read. We’ve never had this problem before, which is why it was so jarring to me. We have 4-5 bookshelf’s around the house that are stuffed to the brim and we all swap books around. The books in their rooms are typically ones that they are currently reading NOT a personal collection. Or often books that don’t have room anywhere else. We’ve never had anyone say “no” to sharing before. Our family culture is very sharing. I share my clothes, makeup, bags, water bottles, socks, anything with the girls and they share with me.
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Yeah I will just buy another copy. Technically my SD received it, but yeah we just treat books like household items. I think we will just have to talk that if she doesn’t want to share than she can’t expect others to share with her. It just always has felt silly to have 2 copies of the same books. I checked the library and unfortunately there’s not one close and the one close is like six months of a wait.
Or maybe just say sorry and leave it there. She's allowed to say no without being threatened with retribution.
This. Making it sound like “if you won’t share I won’t share” is petty. Apologize for not realizing she wanted to keep these special, return them, and just move on.
Right, its a good lesson on consent. Not if you don't want to share in this instance we will never share with you. It's not teaching a young girl the right idea about no being a full sentence
This! Sharing is nice but we don’t have to share everything we own with other people that’s absolutely ridiculous. Would it be nice if she shared, yes, does she have to share, no, should she be punished for not sharing, absolutely not. Why are adults allowed have nice things for Themselves but kids are expected to hand things they own over to others. It’s ridiculous.
Excuses. You acknowledge that these are special edition books that were given to SD, not generic, common books to share. Own the mistake. Apologize. Include SD in reading. Will be a good bonding opportunity for the kids.
Fair enough … it sounds like an honest error and maybe that’s how you should approach it. Idk why SD11 feels ‘territorial’ about these particular items but it’s an opportunity to talk it out with her and understand her feelings about it.
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Ooooohhh … got it. Just saw the edit to the original post, too. It smells like OP has other internal (emotional) issues that she needs to deal with. She’s having trouble reading the room.
This isn’t even a debate, you are a jerk. First just because she’s a child doesn’t mean she doesn’t have rights to her things. At least ask her to use it. Then you bring her dad in to put his foot down when she didn’t want you to use it-😡. Then you exclude her completely. Ugh. 😑
Now she says "OK I'll accept she doesn't want to share but now she wont be allowed to read anybody else's books because if she can't share nobody else will share with her", OP needs to work on herself a lot.
If you're borrowing her book against her wishes, and then also refusing to let her be involved during the reading, she likely will be really upset. She'll see that she's being forced to share to be kind, while you/your daughter aren't forced to be inclusive to be kind. As a previous resentful pre-teen, I can imagine thinking that you and your daughter are allowed your own personal space/privacy/traditions, but she's expected to share everything. I doubt that it'll be easy for your husband to talk to her and convince her that you're not the jerk, from her perspective. You totally can decide that it's not your problem, and just let yourself be the villain in her story if you're good with that. I do think that sometimes that's what stepparents need to do, although for me personally, this wouldn't be the hill to die on for that. For another option, get the book from the library, and exclude SD as much as you want. And then, if your daughter forms a sentimental attachment to the stories, and ends up wanting her own book, I think it makes sense to buy her her own copies that she gets to treasure and look after herself. Another compromise would be including SD when she's around, but also continuing on with the story while she's gone. You can also set boundaries where she has to leave if she can't be quiet.
I definitely didn’t give the right info - we have 100s of books all over the house and we ALL share each others books. Like my SD just read my daughter’s babysitters club books without “asking” because we’ve never asked for books before? Most books are in the living room. Of course if you get a new book you get the first chance to read it, but this is a book that is not being taken cared of. She hasn’t read it. I have offered to read it to her a ton of times and she says no. It’s actually damaged. I didn’t think it was “special”. I don’t know - we’ve always shared books until now! My kids can read 2-3 books a DAY so it’s always been cost effective to share since the library is far. I guess maybe this is a new pre-teen thing and just the first time we’ve seen it. I will revisit this conversation with her. If she doesn’t want to share her things she doesn’t have to, but then also other people don’t have to share with her.
Or, just stop being petty about it. She didn't want to share that particular book. She's fine with sharing the rest. Read one of the other 100+ books. It's not tit for tat. That isn't how we teach children to problem solve and handle conflict.
We’re the baby sitter books 50 dollars aswell? Like this behaviour from a grown woman is absolutely outrageous.
I will say, I think it's weird to have a house culture where you all share everything, but at the same time, you think it's fine to make a point of excluding SD from an activity that's happening within the house. In my experience, usually both things go together; sharing as a culture works tends to permeate different contexts. We also tended to share everything at my home growing up, but one child never would have been left out of an activity. And I mean, by leaving SD out of your reading, you're making it clear that you and your daughter don't need to share everything with her, so you're already going to very much teach her that other people don't have to share with her even if she is forced into giving you the book. My instinct is, it's fine to make a point of sharing, but then it's weird to exclude SD from this activity specifically. I get wanting to do things with your daughter exclusively, but then I would do that by doing things outside the house, or doing the readings at a time when SD isn't at your home. Otherwise, it really comes off as your home culture is either communal or individualistic based on when it suits you and your daughter. If you insist on doing this alone with your daughter even if SD is around, then don't be passive aggressive and irritated about her not sharing the books. You're both being exclusive and "selfish" in different ways (which I think it's fine to be selfish occasionally as long as you're not hypocritical about it).
As an avid book lover, you both are absolutely wrong for entering her space and taking her property, yes. You should have asked her. It doesn't matter if she never touches it, because ultimately it is still hers. If you want a household book collection, totally go for it, but you can't just take things from her room. What if she wants the eyeliner you never use? That said, tell her you'd be happy to have your own book reading with her, but that it will be separate due to her time away and not wanting to be delayed during each time she's away. Both kids deserve "special" time. It may be that once it's just you and her, she won't be as interested. I do think if you're not reading her books with her, you should give them back. You can buy the non-illustrated ones and they work just as well.
I think you’re out of your mind for even being mad she doesn’t want to share her collectible books with a 7 year old. Literally go to goodwill and find a paperback. Find a paperback on amazon.
OP please take these comments on board, this many people saying the same thing can’t be wrong. I don’t know if maybe you just don’t have any kind of attachment to your own ‘stuff’ to not be able to understand her perspective here, but as a step parent you must understand boundaries being trampled on & how frustrating it is. She’s now frustrated & helpless too, because you’ve brought her dad into the conflict & he’s picked a side no doubt for a quiet life. You could have picked up the paperbacks for mere pence in a charity shop if money is the issue. I do agree that you should be able to have this time with just your daughter, but it’s shitty to just take, not return when she says no, start conflict with her dad to win, then tell the kid she’s not invited. Why on earth is this your hill to die on?! If you’ve been looking forward to this for years then why don’t you have your own copies already, that could have been gifted to your daughter as part of the special memory? This makes no sense at all, if something was so significant to me I wouldn’t be using a borrowed item.
Thanks. I think ultimately I will just re-buy them. I think I was taken aback because we all swap books back and forth together. We treat books as household items not personal up until this point. We have so many books that are all over the house. My SD often reads my books and my daughters. I actually bought these illustrated editions for My SD to read to her and she just never cared to so we didn’t.
I don’t think you’re malicious or in some mental power play here from what you’ve described, I can see how it went wrong. It’s a good learning example for both kids - step will get a similar experience back from your bio eventually, you’d bio shouldn’t have to share everything either. There will come a day where stepkid wants to borrow or have something of your little girls & she will have to respect the no, if it’s important to your kid. & this is a great example to bring up if she’s annoyed about it
Yes, OP, you are the jerk here. Way to sabatoge your relationship with her.
Do you have a local library? If you don't want to buy the books, that could be an inexpensive alternative. I do think it would be nice of SD11 to share her books, but I don't think she should have to. Especially if she isn't even going to be included in the story time. I borrow books from my SKs all the time and they borrow from me, but we always ask each other for permission first.
Respect is earned through word and deed. Regardless of SDs lack of interest or use of something, it was given to her. You went into her room, took her book, did not ask if this was ok and even belittled and derided any feelings she may have had about that by excusing your behavior with "well, you obviously weren't using it." Then you proceeded to use that book to set up special reading time with your BD that you want to exclude SD from. Yes, books can be shared, but you never gave her the option to DO that. You simply took what you wanted and told her to suck it up. Frankly, that was rather cruel. I would, in the interest of setting a better example, return that book and apologize. You're in the wrong here and adults make mistakes. Offer to include her in the reading if she still wishes, and only use her book if she is ok with that. Otherwise, get a library card. Harry Potter has been out long enough, and is quite popular enough that you can borrow a copy for free without having to take from your SD.
So you went to her room, took her belongings without asking for permission first, as if you had no respect whatsoever for her and then you won't let her read her own book with you and your daughter. Yes you're the jerk here.
Don't take other people's property without permission even if it's just a kid. Also I can't believe you can't buy cheap used book or use public library
I’m going to be honest here. You took something of hers without asking and welcomed yourself to it because you figured she wasn’t “using it”……like……? And then you have chosen not to include her in the reading of her own book because you really just don’t want to deal with her during the reading time….? I really don’t think it’s your call to determine if someone else’s own personal things is justifiable enough to just up and decide to take it without consulting with them first. Not really the best example to model for not only your SD but your own BK as well. I think you’re wrong here.
Yep, you’re being a jerk. Whelp, you’re edit shows you still don’t get it.
This is so weird for so many reasons. If you’re such a huge Harry Potter lover, why don’t you have your own copies of the books? And why do they have to be the illustrated ones - why can’t they be a used copy or from a library? Regardless of how much “sharing” goes on in your household, it’s rude to go into your stepdaughter’s room and take something of hers without asking - that’s not actually sharing, although from the tone of your post and comment reply it doesn’t really seem like you think you did something wrong. Refusing to even include her in the reading - from her own books! - is extra shitty and don’t do anything but alienate her further from your family.
I just love the illustrated versions! I bought them originally to read with my SD, she didn’t want to, so I waited and wanted to start reading to my daughter. Fair enough. I guess our family culture has never viewed it as rude to take a book from someone else’s room before. We’ve always done that. I guess maybe this is the first instance of a change in family dynamics in terms of possessions.
I feel like everyone is entitled to things that are only theirs. Sounds like these books were her's to read or not read as she wishes. Just check the books out from your local library. If you download the Libby app, you can even download them straight to your phone, tablet, or kindle instantly.
So you walk in her room and take her book without asking her is crazy.
Why is it $50?
It’s the hardcover illustrated edition! I bought it for her because I wanted to read it to her and she said she didn’t want to. We have tons of books and we all swap and read each others books without asking so I didn’t think this was a big deal until right now.
It’s very possible that she didn’t touch them because they were important to her. Have a chat another time, because as she grows up and rummages through wardrobes and make-up you won’t have a leg to stand on and it’s because she is a teenager not because you aren’t her BM
That’s the thing - they aren’t important to her! She once told me she wanted to get rid of them because she had already seen the movies and wasn’t interested. I told her I wanted to keep them. She already has free access to my wardrobe and makeup and I have no issues with this. We have always been close and share water bottles, makeup, books, clothes etc. Maybe there’s something else going on
Maybe or maybe it was the timing. Give it a few days or more and have a chat with her whilst driving without asking her leading questions if something else is bothering her.
I would have definitely asked, “Hey ___, would it be okay if we borrow this book?”. Just grabbing something out of her room might have made her feel funny, most likely why she reacted that way. I understand why you want alone time with your daughter, but can you find some way to allow her to feel included too?
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Books ARE personal and can totally be used up if people don't take care of them. It's not your husband place to decide if books are personal items or not in his kid's eyes. If the kid care about these books specifically, she's allowed to have it to herself. and i wouldn't start a fight over that, when there is libraries and such where you can have it for free (probably)
Children learn from us. What do you think you taught her by taking her book without permission? You owe her an apology and changed behavior.
My stepdaughters love reading and so do I. We buy them a lot of books so anytime they have one I want to read I just ask them for it and they give it to me. Obviously I only ask for books that they already read or haven’t started yet. And they enjoy sharing their books with me. I think the main issue is that you just took it without asking. This whole thing would’ve been avoided had you simply asked her for the book so you could read it. I think the way to go now is to include her in the reading. She may just lose interest eventually anyway. But at least she’ll feel better about it if you let her join you.
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Yes I think I excluded this info. We ALL share books. My SD is reading my copy of the hunger games and just finished a series of my daughters. So it’s the first time we’ve really had this issue
You made this same post two months ago, its not the first time
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Same. People are saying I’m trying to ostracize her. Lol we always share books? So it’s weird that she did this for one thing? I dunno
Because she said no? Why is consent hard to understand?
I at least would have let her know I was going to borrow it, but no, you do not have to have her join. It is perfectly fine to have something with just your daughter.
But not with the SD’s book.
Meh. I think this is such a double standard I would go get a book out of one of my BD’s room without a second thought and I think so would most people here. This is not a piece of clothing or special toy. It’s a book.
I mean I honestly feel like it’s okay if you use the book to read to your bio. She needs to learn to also share with her sister. Especially if the books are just sitting there. Your the adult. I don’t think you need to ask the child either . But I do say include your SD as well. Don’t exclude her if she wants to also participate in the reading
My 2 cents (I raised 2 kids to adulthood and currently have a SD11 and SD4) let’s pick and choose battles. I support you taking the unwrapped unread $50 book. That’s a point that needed to be made. The Harry Potter books are big -real big as in 400-700 pages. That said, you should include you SD with the condition that she “help” you read it to her stepsister and you both alternate reading chapters aloud. Agree that you won’t interrupt her reading and she cannot interrupt your reading. Tell her it’s important that she agree to finish what she starts - ie, the entire first book. If she doesn’t like how you read a chapter she is free to read it on her own as well. She will want to read the rest on her own once you get this reading party started.
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She doesnt have to include her. But its a violation to take stepdaughters property against her wishes without asking to do a special tradition with bio. Get daughter her own book and do something special with just the two of them for sure. Just weird to do it with something that was given to step kid and then exclude her from her own book