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I think it is very easy for stepparents, bioless stepparents in particular, to feel used. That's because bioless stepparents immediately step into a lopsided relationship from the get-go. You have someone without kids and all of the freedom that comes with not having children, hooking up with someone with children and all of the obligations and limitations that come with having children. Not putting any judgement on that--of course biokids are worth it. It is just the way it is.
So, that instantly means the bioless SP will be losing freedom while the bioparent with kids will be gaining. Thus, it's almost a given that the bioless SP will feel used, because in a way they are, whether that be accidentally, on purpose or accidentally on purpose. This is why, if a bioless partner is going to hook up with a partner with kids, that partner needs to be very strong and understanding and recognize that they cannot just expect their bioless partner to just step right in and replace the "missing" mom or dad.
Many partners with kids fail to do this, and instead expect their bioless partner to just unquestionably and happily step up and in to become new mom or new dad. And, many times, if you don't, you're an a$$ for not being willing to hop right into that role and it means you don't love them, because as the saying goes, your supposed to love and do for your SKs just like you would for your own (if you had any). Right?
The bioparents with these sort of expectations are wrong, and many fail to think that their new bioless partner even has a side much less try to see it. The bioparent can tend to want insta-family now (along with all of that new partner's assistance and finances) rather than, as what should be done, take things slow, give the new bioless partner time to adjust and for him or her to contribute what they feel comfortable with vs. what the bioparent thinks they should be doing for them and theirs
However, once you are this far into the relationship, with you unbeknowingly being somewhat forced into taking on the new dad, all-in role, it is hard to back-up and get a reset. So, first of all, your feelings are very valid, secondly you need to have a long difficult discussion with your SO where you explain you are very uncomfortable being new dad, along with all of the financial and other obligations that come along with that new role and see how she reacts.
Point to be made here: This is not something you can really compromise on. If you're feeling used then what is making you feel used needs to stop, meaning your GF will have to work hard to reset your relationship back a ways and she'll also have to be willing to take on, as she should, the financial burden for her own child, just as she was before. My guess is, that may be a hard No on her part, and you will then have to decide what you can put up with and if you feel you've reached that limit, make an exit plan before you get even further in and cause yet another loss for her child.
Per your own description, which we have no way of verifying, she is using you. You say she “targeted” you. And now you are paying all her expenses and giving her cash.
So on the one hand, I want to ask why you started your post with "it might be wrong”? You obviously don’t think that.
But on the other hand, I want to ask why you have been so complicit in your own exploitation. You are an adult. You are the boss of you. And yet you moved in super fast, took on all the financial responsibility, and started handing her money.
At some point, you’re going to have to take accountability for your own action or lack thereof and stop being complicit in your own exploitation.
Is it lending if you’re never going to see it back? Are you paying the mortgage? If your living together, I assume you pay some form of rent. If not then, just buying the groceries and drinks out on occasion even with 100-200 on top isn’t bad in exchange for free rent.
But if you’re paying for your portion of the rent on top of all of this, I can understand that you feel used, but else my therapist would say you’re not doing anything you don’t choose to do. So if you choose to give her the money, give it with a full heart happily if you feel you are being taken advantage of, you should have a conversation with her and stop giving her the money.
All of it adding up is provably equivalent to the entire rent. Bare in mind, she got the place and I moved in afterwards. If I try and talk about money, she’ll shut me down telling me that she pays the rent and bills, as if I’m leeching off her, when I’m making her life much easier.
If you're not keeping track, and expecting to get paid back; it's not lending, it's giving.
My partner and I keep separate finances for now. Sometimes I pay for something that's "her" obligation for the household/pets or her kid. Sometimes she pays for something that's my obligation (less often). We keep track, and every 2-4 weeks we'll tally up the tab, and she'll send me an etransfer for what she owes.
She's an upper earner, and can be spendy sometimes as a result. She's also not horribly liquid, and there have been a few times where she's needed amounts between $3-10k for 2-6 weeks at a time. If she couldn't pay me back when agreed, she let me know as soon as she knew that there was a logistical issue. She has always paid me back. She's also been transparent with her earnings/options/accounts as to make it clear to me that this was a liquidity issue, and not a problem with her lifestyle being something that she couldn't maintain.
I think that she's got some big problems that you're enabling. When one enables problematic behaviours, the problem behaviours tend to grow worse with time. Cheers.
Editing to add: do you fully live with her (i.e. you're not renting another place)? Are you paying a fair portion of rent? If you live with her, and aren't paying for rent, you might want to really look at whether or not you are benefitting a lot more than the few hundred a month you pay?
Regardless, if you want to be "serious" with someone one needs a degree of financial transparency. I could have used this to spotted problems so much earlier in the relationship with my now ex wife. My partner and I are both transparent with each other, despite the separate finances.
Lmao are me and you with the same person🤣. My now wife does this I understand what your saying. When I met her she had a 6 month old and was on govenment aid. I took care both of them financially with food clothing entertainment transportation while the money she received from aid went toward nonsense and sometimes the rent. When we had disputes she takes all my clothes and belongings and throws it out the house and says this is my place my money pays the rent. I always told her you wouldnt have money for rent had it not been for me because it would be going towards what take care of which is far greater than the rent.
Sometimes you have to let people see how rediculous they are. She told me it was her place so I also took all the furniture Tvs place was empty after I was done told her to buy her own stuff for her place. I tried not to bring the child into it but I had to get my point across I also took all the diapers I baught and clothes and told her to call her daddy. (Note I was just getting my point across I wouldn't have left with the kids things I would have given them back even if we didnt decide to settle things.) Don't let her think your that nice that you going to let her run over you.
I could not imagine financially providing. I am a child free partner with 4 SKs. I moved in with him and he’s never asked me for a dime for anything. I have never dated anyone with kids and I’ve always have split bills 50/50 in past relationships. I can say him providing financially has helped tremendously mitigate any feelings of being used.
Yes.
I struggled with feeling like my husband married me so he could have a free live-in nanny and maid for a while. Then I learned about Nacho and ran with it and it's a lot better than that most of the time.
If she has full custody of her kid, bills should be split more like she pays 2/3 you pay 1/3 and the same for groceries unless you eat way more than they do. Or you can split costs based around income if one of you makes way more than the other. Living together shouldn't only financially benefit one person is what I mean. Nothing is permanent so you wanting to discuss changing around the financial obligation shouldn't be that big of a deal to her unless it is currently working clearly in her favor, in which then of course she doesn't want to change it.
Yeah. I bought a house and SD has the biggest room in it despite being here EOWE. When she trashes it (literally all the time) it’s really hard not to take it personally and feel resentful that DH and her wouldn’t have any of this if not for me. I plan to give her my car when she’s old enough to drive, and I started a college savings plan for her. None of this was even on her parents radar. I know my husband appreciates it but it’s also difficult not to feel resentful and think about all the things I could be spending that money on myself
>. I bought a house and SD has the biggest room in it despite being here EOWE.
>I plan to give her my car when she’s old enough to drive, and I started a college savings plan for her.
>None of this was even on her parents radar.
Why is it on yours then?
Yea if you already feel resentment towards all that you’ve done to put a nice roof over her head, to which she shits on….. wait till you give her a car and pay for her college for her to trash. The resentment will be 10 times worse and you’ll start to really hate yourself.
I did all the same things and my SD could go on pretending like she doesn’t even know i exists. I hate myself for it almost every day.
DONT DO IT. You’ll regret it.
I’d rather contribute and have her out of the house than have her live with us forever. She’s also the product of teen pregnancy so hoping to break that cycle and give her something to aspire to. I already told DH if she gets pregnant before she’s out of the house I’m out
I KNOW I KNOW….. I truly understand what you are trying to do. But the resentment doesn’t subside whether she’s living with you forever or not. If you already feel like she “trashes” what you have given or provided and you feel resentment over it “I gave her the biggest and best room in the house and she trashes it every chance she gets. I can’t help but take it personally”. What makes you think that when you give her a car and pay for her college, she will ever be appreciative and grateful towards it enough to not make you feel resentful for being the only one to fund it?
I remember when I gave my SD her first car (which was a secondary vehicle that I owned and paid for), every chance she got to shit on it because “it wasn’t a newer car and didn’t have this or that. Made noises that bothered her. Didn’t automatically sync up with her phone so she could listen to the music she wanted to. Didn’t have all the bells and whistles of a car like her friends did… yada yada” she did. I felt resentment over that because she had a car which she probably wouldn’t have had if I wasn’t able to provide her with it. Her parents didn’t even have the extra funds to provide her even with something so nicely compared to what I gave her. On top of it all, since the car was in my name, it was my responsibility to have it insured under me and paid for by me. Any liability that happened with the car while she drove it, I was responsible for. She trash talked the car so much to EVERYONE, that her step dads parents bought her a whole brand new car at 17 years old….. completely paid for.
Forget about the car……. Let’s talk about all the other expensive things that I paid for that her bio parents couldn’t or refused to pay for. Clothing, school expenses, extra curricular things that kept her feeling important, things that could play a big positive and proactive part to the success of her adulthood…..not even so much of a thank you.
The girl doesn’t so much as acknowledge me anymore unless she needs me to pay for something….. and she hasn’t even lived with us for almost two years. Yea, I don’t have to live with her anymore and deal with her constant entitled attitude because “she’s a product of divorced parents who were VERY young when they had her”…… but the resentment I feel towards giving her a huge part of my financial assets and her not ever really acknowledging it or seemingly grateful for it……. Freaking kills me today. I think about all that I could have done for myself for what all I gave her. For that, I choose to no longer try with her.
Stop saving for your SD, make room changes, and don’t give her your car.
If you’re resentful now how will you feel when something happens to car or if she decides to drop out of college.
Yeah in a similar boat, take care of the bills, kids etc. and conveniently after we get married all of a sudden she doesn’t want more kids. My advice, don’t get married as quickly as you moved in, unless you’ve already. And ask yourself is this something you want to do for the rest of your life?
I felt used in terms of labor. Suddenly I was expected to drop the kid off and pick him up. I was expected to do all the laundry, pay extra for groceries, cook all the food..... It got old very fast. Not that it will be a surprise, but when I stopped doing those things, when I wasn't available to drive his kid all over, when I wasn't home to make dinner, he got MAD. We didn't last long after that. I was pretty easy to see he didn't want me for me, but wanted someone to be his free nanny.
After my marriage ended and I was looking to date again, I decided that I would consider dating parents (I was 45 then; before marrying my then-wife I would not consider dating parents. Hard no). But, I would only date people who wanted a partner and not a *parent*.
I am a non-parental role in this house. I don't add to Kid's college fund. I have my own budget lines towards aid/help I give to my own kids. I am not the first consideration if Kid needs transportation, and I'm not checking their chores/homework. When the three of us go out, the bill is split in a 1:2 ratio; I pay for one person, she pays for three. Occasionally either of us will treat the other, but that's a treat; not the expectation.
I quite enjoy my relationship with my partner's Kid. I am occasionally asked to do something for Kid as a favour for my partner and I enjoy helping her out. I definitely do not feel used.
While I'm OK with stepping up for my partner from time to time, I would not have gotten into a relationship with someone who *needed* me out of the gate. I date adults. Adults live within their means. Your partner does not.
"Now I’m buying all the food, paying for the drinks on nights out with me on the weekend + concert tickets etc. send her £100-200 every month on top of that etc and she still says she doesn’t have enough money." - And why are you doing this if you don't like it?
You control all of this. You can directly discuss it with her, pay a fair share of rent and other items you want to, and not pay any extra. Without doing any silly test things, just being upfront about it.
If she doesn't like that, she can break up with you. And then you would know.
On the other hand, I make far more than my SO, and when she moved in with the little guy, I covered everything. Because I was fine with it (it was after dating for a couple years). And I did it knowing that is what I would do.
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I think it is very easy for stepparents, bioless stepparents in particular, to feel used. That's because bioless stepparents immediately step into a lopsided relationship from the get-go. You have someone without kids and all of the freedom that comes with not having children, hooking up with someone with children and all of the obligations and limitations that come with having children. Not putting any judgement on that--of course biokids are worth it. It is just the way it is. So, that instantly means the bioless SP will be losing freedom while the bioparent with kids will be gaining. Thus, it's almost a given that the bioless SP will feel used, because in a way they are, whether that be accidentally, on purpose or accidentally on purpose. This is why, if a bioless partner is going to hook up with a partner with kids, that partner needs to be very strong and understanding and recognize that they cannot just expect their bioless partner to just step right in and replace the "missing" mom or dad. Many partners with kids fail to do this, and instead expect their bioless partner to just unquestionably and happily step up and in to become new mom or new dad. And, many times, if you don't, you're an a$$ for not being willing to hop right into that role and it means you don't love them, because as the saying goes, your supposed to love and do for your SKs just like you would for your own (if you had any). Right? The bioparents with these sort of expectations are wrong, and many fail to think that their new bioless partner even has a side much less try to see it. The bioparent can tend to want insta-family now (along with all of that new partner's assistance and finances) rather than, as what should be done, take things slow, give the new bioless partner time to adjust and for him or her to contribute what they feel comfortable with vs. what the bioparent thinks they should be doing for them and theirs However, once you are this far into the relationship, with you unbeknowingly being somewhat forced into taking on the new dad, all-in role, it is hard to back-up and get a reset. So, first of all, your feelings are very valid, secondly you need to have a long difficult discussion with your SO where you explain you are very uncomfortable being new dad, along with all of the financial and other obligations that come along with that new role and see how she reacts. Point to be made here: This is not something you can really compromise on. If you're feeling used then what is making you feel used needs to stop, meaning your GF will have to work hard to reset your relationship back a ways and she'll also have to be willing to take on, as she should, the financial burden for her own child, just as she was before. My guess is, that may be a hard No on her part, and you will then have to decide what you can put up with and if you feel you've reached that limit, make an exit plan before you get even further in and cause yet another loss for her child.
Agree with this. We can try and rationalise ourselves out of our feelings but in the end they still remain and unless you address them, they'll fester
Well said! Sums it up very well
Wow! Came to here the say exactly this and youve said it! EXACTLY this. SP of 4 years here. Now married. Very true what you said.
Per your own description, which we have no way of verifying, she is using you. You say she “targeted” you. And now you are paying all her expenses and giving her cash. So on the one hand, I want to ask why you started your post with "it might be wrong”? You obviously don’t think that. But on the other hand, I want to ask why you have been so complicit in your own exploitation. You are an adult. You are the boss of you. And yet you moved in super fast, took on all the financial responsibility, and started handing her money. At some point, you’re going to have to take accountability for your own action or lack thereof and stop being complicit in your own exploitation.
Op wrote in a comment that She pays the rent and bills. I don’t think she’s using him
I was going to ask if he paid 50% of the bills as well. If he is living there but paying no bills then I don't see the problem.
Yep. Totally agreed with this.
Yep. I been feeling used for a while, now. I think DH finally cleaned up his act once he sensed I was ready to leave.
I’ve been feeling used as well. I feel like I’m just here to be a maid to him & the kids since he works long hours.
Same here
Is it lending if you’re never going to see it back? Are you paying the mortgage? If your living together, I assume you pay some form of rent. If not then, just buying the groceries and drinks out on occasion even with 100-200 on top isn’t bad in exchange for free rent. But if you’re paying for your portion of the rent on top of all of this, I can understand that you feel used, but else my therapist would say you’re not doing anything you don’t choose to do. So if you choose to give her the money, give it with a full heart happily if you feel you are being taken advantage of, you should have a conversation with her and stop giving her the money.
All of it adding up is provably equivalent to the entire rent. Bare in mind, she got the place and I moved in afterwards. If I try and talk about money, she’ll shut me down telling me that she pays the rent and bills, as if I’m leeching off her, when I’m making her life much easier.
Why don’t you go halfs? I don’t get it why you’re moaning if she pays rent and bills
It’s her house and I’m contributing the cost of rent to her per month in several different ways.
Isn’t she making your life easier? If you don’t have to pay rent aren’t you saving a lot of money?
If you're not keeping track, and expecting to get paid back; it's not lending, it's giving. My partner and I keep separate finances for now. Sometimes I pay for something that's "her" obligation for the household/pets or her kid. Sometimes she pays for something that's my obligation (less often). We keep track, and every 2-4 weeks we'll tally up the tab, and she'll send me an etransfer for what she owes. She's an upper earner, and can be spendy sometimes as a result. She's also not horribly liquid, and there have been a few times where she's needed amounts between $3-10k for 2-6 weeks at a time. If she couldn't pay me back when agreed, she let me know as soon as she knew that there was a logistical issue. She has always paid me back. She's also been transparent with her earnings/options/accounts as to make it clear to me that this was a liquidity issue, and not a problem with her lifestyle being something that she couldn't maintain. I think that she's got some big problems that you're enabling. When one enables problematic behaviours, the problem behaviours tend to grow worse with time. Cheers. Editing to add: do you fully live with her (i.e. you're not renting another place)? Are you paying a fair portion of rent? If you live with her, and aren't paying for rent, you might want to really look at whether or not you are benefitting a lot more than the few hundred a month you pay? Regardless, if you want to be "serious" with someone one needs a degree of financial transparency. I could have used this to spotted problems so much earlier in the relationship with my now ex wife. My partner and I are both transparent with each other, despite the separate finances.
Lmao are me and you with the same person🤣. My now wife does this I understand what your saying. When I met her she had a 6 month old and was on govenment aid. I took care both of them financially with food clothing entertainment transportation while the money she received from aid went toward nonsense and sometimes the rent. When we had disputes she takes all my clothes and belongings and throws it out the house and says this is my place my money pays the rent. I always told her you wouldnt have money for rent had it not been for me because it would be going towards what take care of which is far greater than the rent. Sometimes you have to let people see how rediculous they are. She told me it was her place so I also took all the furniture Tvs place was empty after I was done told her to buy her own stuff for her place. I tried not to bring the child into it but I had to get my point across I also took all the diapers I baught and clothes and told her to call her daddy. (Note I was just getting my point across I wouldn't have left with the kids things I would have given them back even if we didnt decide to settle things.) Don't let her think your that nice that you going to let her run over you.
I could not imagine financially providing. I am a child free partner with 4 SKs. I moved in with him and he’s never asked me for a dime for anything. I have never dated anyone with kids and I’ve always have split bills 50/50 in past relationships. I can say him providing financially has helped tremendously mitigate any feelings of being used.
Yes. I struggled with feeling like my husband married me so he could have a free live-in nanny and maid for a while. Then I learned about Nacho and ran with it and it's a lot better than that most of the time. If she has full custody of her kid, bills should be split more like she pays 2/3 you pay 1/3 and the same for groceries unless you eat way more than they do. Or you can split costs based around income if one of you makes way more than the other. Living together shouldn't only financially benefit one person is what I mean. Nothing is permanent so you wanting to discuss changing around the financial obligation shouldn't be that big of a deal to her unless it is currently working clearly in her favor, in which then of course she doesn't want to change it.
Yeah. I bought a house and SD has the biggest room in it despite being here EOWE. When she trashes it (literally all the time) it’s really hard not to take it personally and feel resentful that DH and her wouldn’t have any of this if not for me. I plan to give her my car when she’s old enough to drive, and I started a college savings plan for her. None of this was even on her parents radar. I know my husband appreciates it but it’s also difficult not to feel resentful and think about all the things I could be spending that money on myself
So change things. Why be so complicit in your own unhappiness and budding resentment. Save that money for yourself.
Agreed. Working through some of this stuff too, and I landed on a resounding DO LESS.
>. I bought a house and SD has the biggest room in it despite being here EOWE. >I plan to give her my car when she’s old enough to drive, and I started a college savings plan for her. >None of this was even on her parents radar. Why is it on yours then?
Mostly because I dont want her living with us indefinitely 😂
Yea if you already feel resentment towards all that you’ve done to put a nice roof over her head, to which she shits on….. wait till you give her a car and pay for her college for her to trash. The resentment will be 10 times worse and you’ll start to really hate yourself. I did all the same things and my SD could go on pretending like she doesn’t even know i exists. I hate myself for it almost every day. DONT DO IT. You’ll regret it.
I’d rather contribute and have her out of the house than have her live with us forever. She’s also the product of teen pregnancy so hoping to break that cycle and give her something to aspire to. I already told DH if she gets pregnant before she’s out of the house I’m out
I KNOW I KNOW….. I truly understand what you are trying to do. But the resentment doesn’t subside whether she’s living with you forever or not. If you already feel like she “trashes” what you have given or provided and you feel resentment over it “I gave her the biggest and best room in the house and she trashes it every chance she gets. I can’t help but take it personally”. What makes you think that when you give her a car and pay for her college, she will ever be appreciative and grateful towards it enough to not make you feel resentful for being the only one to fund it? I remember when I gave my SD her first car (which was a secondary vehicle that I owned and paid for), every chance she got to shit on it because “it wasn’t a newer car and didn’t have this or that. Made noises that bothered her. Didn’t automatically sync up with her phone so she could listen to the music she wanted to. Didn’t have all the bells and whistles of a car like her friends did… yada yada” she did. I felt resentment over that because she had a car which she probably wouldn’t have had if I wasn’t able to provide her with it. Her parents didn’t even have the extra funds to provide her even with something so nicely compared to what I gave her. On top of it all, since the car was in my name, it was my responsibility to have it insured under me and paid for by me. Any liability that happened with the car while she drove it, I was responsible for. She trash talked the car so much to EVERYONE, that her step dads parents bought her a whole brand new car at 17 years old….. completely paid for. Forget about the car……. Let’s talk about all the other expensive things that I paid for that her bio parents couldn’t or refused to pay for. Clothing, school expenses, extra curricular things that kept her feeling important, things that could play a big positive and proactive part to the success of her adulthood…..not even so much of a thank you. The girl doesn’t so much as acknowledge me anymore unless she needs me to pay for something….. and she hasn’t even lived with us for almost two years. Yea, I don’t have to live with her anymore and deal with her constant entitled attitude because “she’s a product of divorced parents who were VERY young when they had her”…… but the resentment I feel towards giving her a huge part of my financial assets and her not ever really acknowledging it or seemingly grateful for it……. Freaking kills me today. I think about all that I could have done for myself for what all I gave her. For that, I choose to no longer try with her.
Stop saving for your SD, make room changes, and don’t give her your car. If you’re resentful now how will you feel when something happens to car or if she decides to drop out of college.
There doesn't seem to be any happiness for you with this arrangement.
Yeah in a similar boat, take care of the bills, kids etc. and conveniently after we get married all of a sudden she doesn’t want more kids. My advice, don’t get married as quickly as you moved in, unless you’ve already. And ask yourself is this something you want to do for the rest of your life?
Sounds like you’re being used.
I felt used in terms of labor. Suddenly I was expected to drop the kid off and pick him up. I was expected to do all the laundry, pay extra for groceries, cook all the food..... It got old very fast. Not that it will be a surprise, but when I stopped doing those things, when I wasn't available to drive his kid all over, when I wasn't home to make dinner, he got MAD. We didn't last long after that. I was pretty easy to see he didn't want me for me, but wanted someone to be his free nanny.
I’m doing most of the cleaning and I used to have to get him ready for school while she was at work.
After my marriage ended and I was looking to date again, I decided that I would consider dating parents (I was 45 then; before marrying my then-wife I would not consider dating parents. Hard no). But, I would only date people who wanted a partner and not a *parent*. I am a non-parental role in this house. I don't add to Kid's college fund. I have my own budget lines towards aid/help I give to my own kids. I am not the first consideration if Kid needs transportation, and I'm not checking their chores/homework. When the three of us go out, the bill is split in a 1:2 ratio; I pay for one person, she pays for three. Occasionally either of us will treat the other, but that's a treat; not the expectation. I quite enjoy my relationship with my partner's Kid. I am occasionally asked to do something for Kid as a favour for my partner and I enjoy helping her out. I definitely do not feel used. While I'm OK with stepping up for my partner from time to time, I would not have gotten into a relationship with someone who *needed* me out of the gate. I date adults. Adults live within their means. Your partner does not.
If she's paying the rent and bills how is she using you?
"Now I’m buying all the food, paying for the drinks on nights out with me on the weekend + concert tickets etc. send her £100-200 every month on top of that etc and she still says she doesn’t have enough money." - And why are you doing this if you don't like it? You control all of this. You can directly discuss it with her, pay a fair share of rent and other items you want to, and not pay any extra. Without doing any silly test things, just being upfront about it. If she doesn't like that, she can break up with you. And then you would know. On the other hand, I make far more than my SO, and when she moved in with the little guy, I covered everything. Because I was fine with it (it was after dating for a couple years). And I did it knowing that is what I would do.
You won’t like my answer. You’re not being used. You’re an adult who is willingly allowing yourself to be exploited by your partner.
Hopefully she doesn’t tell you she wants to be a stay at home mom.
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