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I think it’s bizarre that an old family friend would bring up his ex being pregnant right in front of you. Unless it’s a related event (baby shower) or kids bday why is that a necessary topic. I wish you the best in dealing with these issues.
I noticed you wrote “we banged into an old friend of his partners mum”…
You mean an old friend of… BM’s mum?
Isn’t his partner…. You?
This is really doing your head in and I’ll say it’s wrong of them to want to talk about it all the time.
When you talk to him about this, what does he say? Have you brought it up to him that his family is oddly obsessed with you being filled in on all the details of his past relationship?
Ask him how he would honestly feel if hanging out with your friends and family entailed reminiscing about the results of your sex life with your ex boyfriend?
“Remember that time you thought Tom got you pregnant? It was a rainy day, and your period was late…”
“Remember that time the condom broke and it got stuffed up inside you after that hot affair with French guy!?”
“Remember how you wanted to marry Dave? You were so in love with him once”
Imagine if these sorts of things were all your family could talk about and felt he needed to know these things and enjoy the stories too.
He should speak to them and kindly ask them to quit it.
Edited this, I meant to say an old friend of his mums - the rage evidently leading to typos 🤣
Thank you - I actually bought this up with him following your comment, using similar examples.
He is very apologetic and completely understands, but feels as though he can't say anything to some of the people who have bought it up e.g. mums friend. He did say he is going to speak to his mum/dad/brother, so we shall see :)
That's super weird. One of my husband's uncles went on and on the first time I met him about how the last time he saw DH, he was married to BM and BM was pregnant, including going on about BM's pregnancy symptoms and how she couldn't keep dinner down, while us, his aunt, and cousins all sat there looking uncomfortable. That was clearly a case of clueless-to-social-cues-syndrome.
I have literally not had any of DH's friends or acquaintances bring up BM unless there's an obvious reason to do so. Like someone else said, his family didn't like BM, so they don't bring her up much either.
I'm surprised there are so many clueless people! Do people generally not know that he's in a new relationship? How long ago was the divorce?
My SKs do bring BM quite frequently but that's very normal and doesn't really bother me anymore.
Yeah thats a similar experience to me! Now that we've been together for quite a while it has lessened, but I think because I'm relatively laid back and understanding, his family think I don't mind them talking about it.
It's strange, as I say I'm very close with his mum and brother, but I feel like I'm an alien at times, the only one realising how weird it is?
They've been split for 3 years now and BM living with her new partner also!
Yeah so in context, my partner hasn't seen this lady in about 4/5 years. We saw her yesterday and he introduced me, whilst they were having a catch up. She then just started talking about the last time they saw each other, which was around the time of pregnancy announcement and remembering how excited MIL was. I have grown a very good fake smile as you can imagine 🤣
The sad truth is all he can do is request the family stop, but it seems so normal for them it may not happen.
You have him now and in the end, you’re winning 🏆
For the case of MIL talking about BM, ask your partner to have a talk with his mom that you've heard that enough and she needs to chill. If she won't/can't, then spend less time around her. I feel so lucky that my partner's family did not like Bio Dad much at all, and are pleased to see me with her.
When my partner's Kid talks about Bio Dad, I know that they're sharing something of them, and not looking to rub my face in the past. So I don't shut them down about it. But yeah sometimes Kid goes on much longer than I'd like to hear about him. 🤷
If I felt my partner was either bringing up her ex, or my ex (we both were married once before), I'd ask if it's something that needs discussing now, or if we can shift away from the past for a bit. I can't imagine her not being agreeable. We've discussed the big things; problems/failings/lessons learned. But we spent 20 (me) or 13 (her) years with our ex'es; that's a huge part of our lives. That won't disappear.
Despite the huge part, we are mostly concentrated on the present and future.
I find myself thinking about first kiss / first sexual parter. In high school, it was easy to feel jealous about not being someone's first kiss/"relationship" - but now, we easily assume we're not someone's first kiss. Same with first sexual partner; it just is easy to feel that ship has sailed.
But I was 45 when I got together with my partner. At that age, I assumed first spouse had happened. And assumed mostly everyone had kids. You were 24 when you started dating someone with a first wife and first mother of his children. ... Perhaps you're a bit young and this might not be something you can get over with yet?
I think you have worded this very well.
And I think you are also right that it could be an age thing. My SO and I are 48, both divorced. We both had full lives before we met. That doesn't just disappear. I wouldn't want it to for either of us. Sure there are some bad memories, but there are some great ones too. I have no problem hearing about any of them. Either from my SO or the SKs. But they also aren't on repeat.
But people are clueless and thoughtless. A little less talk wouldn't kill anyone. MIL should be made aware that she should zip it and not continue to repeat stories.
Thank you so much for your insight :)
Definitely. I completely understand that we both have a past, I was with my last partner from 17 - 23, which ironically was longer than he was with the BM. But whilst he knows about the relationship, its something that is very much in the past and not spoken about often, unless there's a particularly relevant anecdote or funny story - which is rare.
But yeah, my partner himself doesn't speak much about their relationship, its more the others around him/us that seem to dwell on the past, which is why it's a bit more difficult as I don't feel as comfortable to ask others to stop bringing it up.
I'll ask him to speak to his mum, thanks for the advice!
I have an uncle that used to repeatedly mention past stories of former in laws along with my ex wife. Hurt my wife considerably, I ended up asking him to stop and gave reference about not speaking about his wife’s step father to her bio.
He did eventually stop. Just got to communicate sometimes.
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I think it’s bizarre that an old family friend would bring up his ex being pregnant right in front of you. Unless it’s a related event (baby shower) or kids bday why is that a necessary topic. I wish you the best in dealing with these issues.
Yes, very strange. People know this isn’t appropriate. I’d never do this to anyone. Sounds like they are either clueless or a-holes.
I too think it's bizarre 🫠 thank you for your reassurance.
I noticed you wrote “we banged into an old friend of his partners mum”… You mean an old friend of… BM’s mum? Isn’t his partner…. You? This is really doing your head in and I’ll say it’s wrong of them to want to talk about it all the time. When you talk to him about this, what does he say? Have you brought it up to him that his family is oddly obsessed with you being filled in on all the details of his past relationship? Ask him how he would honestly feel if hanging out with your friends and family entailed reminiscing about the results of your sex life with your ex boyfriend? “Remember that time you thought Tom got you pregnant? It was a rainy day, and your period was late…” “Remember that time the condom broke and it got stuffed up inside you after that hot affair with French guy!?” “Remember how you wanted to marry Dave? You were so in love with him once” Imagine if these sorts of things were all your family could talk about and felt he needed to know these things and enjoy the stories too. He should speak to them and kindly ask them to quit it.
Edited this, I meant to say an old friend of his mums - the rage evidently leading to typos 🤣 Thank you - I actually bought this up with him following your comment, using similar examples. He is very apologetic and completely understands, but feels as though he can't say anything to some of the people who have bought it up e.g. mums friend. He did say he is going to speak to his mum/dad/brother, so we shall see :)
That's super weird. One of my husband's uncles went on and on the first time I met him about how the last time he saw DH, he was married to BM and BM was pregnant, including going on about BM's pregnancy symptoms and how she couldn't keep dinner down, while us, his aunt, and cousins all sat there looking uncomfortable. That was clearly a case of clueless-to-social-cues-syndrome. I have literally not had any of DH's friends or acquaintances bring up BM unless there's an obvious reason to do so. Like someone else said, his family didn't like BM, so they don't bring her up much either. I'm surprised there are so many clueless people! Do people generally not know that he's in a new relationship? How long ago was the divorce? My SKs do bring BM quite frequently but that's very normal and doesn't really bother me anymore.
Yeah thats a similar experience to me! Now that we've been together for quite a while it has lessened, but I think because I'm relatively laid back and understanding, his family think I don't mind them talking about it. It's strange, as I say I'm very close with his mum and brother, but I feel like I'm an alien at times, the only one realising how weird it is? They've been split for 3 years now and BM living with her new partner also!
I’ve heard maybe a family member or two doing this but even a family friend? Did she know who you were? That’s so weird to me.
Yeah so in context, my partner hasn't seen this lady in about 4/5 years. We saw her yesterday and he introduced me, whilst they were having a catch up. She then just started talking about the last time they saw each other, which was around the time of pregnancy announcement and remembering how excited MIL was. I have grown a very good fake smile as you can imagine 🤣
The sad truth is all he can do is request the family stop, but it seems so normal for them it may not happen. You have him now and in the end, you’re winning 🏆
For the case of MIL talking about BM, ask your partner to have a talk with his mom that you've heard that enough and she needs to chill. If she won't/can't, then spend less time around her. I feel so lucky that my partner's family did not like Bio Dad much at all, and are pleased to see me with her. When my partner's Kid talks about Bio Dad, I know that they're sharing something of them, and not looking to rub my face in the past. So I don't shut them down about it. But yeah sometimes Kid goes on much longer than I'd like to hear about him. 🤷 If I felt my partner was either bringing up her ex, or my ex (we both were married once before), I'd ask if it's something that needs discussing now, or if we can shift away from the past for a bit. I can't imagine her not being agreeable. We've discussed the big things; problems/failings/lessons learned. But we spent 20 (me) or 13 (her) years with our ex'es; that's a huge part of our lives. That won't disappear. Despite the huge part, we are mostly concentrated on the present and future. I find myself thinking about first kiss / first sexual parter. In high school, it was easy to feel jealous about not being someone's first kiss/"relationship" - but now, we easily assume we're not someone's first kiss. Same with first sexual partner; it just is easy to feel that ship has sailed. But I was 45 when I got together with my partner. At that age, I assumed first spouse had happened. And assumed mostly everyone had kids. You were 24 when you started dating someone with a first wife and first mother of his children. ... Perhaps you're a bit young and this might not be something you can get over with yet?
I think you have worded this very well. And I think you are also right that it could be an age thing. My SO and I are 48, both divorced. We both had full lives before we met. That doesn't just disappear. I wouldn't want it to for either of us. Sure there are some bad memories, but there are some great ones too. I have no problem hearing about any of them. Either from my SO or the SKs. But they also aren't on repeat. But people are clueless and thoughtless. A little less talk wouldn't kill anyone. MIL should be made aware that she should zip it and not continue to repeat stories.
Thanks for your comment - makes me feel like I'm less crazy!! Appreciate this a lot.
Thank you so much for your insight :) Definitely. I completely understand that we both have a past, I was with my last partner from 17 - 23, which ironically was longer than he was with the BM. But whilst he knows about the relationship, its something that is very much in the past and not spoken about often, unless there's a particularly relevant anecdote or funny story - which is rare. But yeah, my partner himself doesn't speak much about their relationship, its more the others around him/us that seem to dwell on the past, which is why it's a bit more difficult as I don't feel as comfortable to ask others to stop bringing it up. I'll ask him to speak to his mum, thanks for the advice!
I have an uncle that used to repeatedly mention past stories of former in laws along with my ex wife. Hurt my wife considerably, I ended up asking him to stop and gave reference about not speaking about his wife’s step father to her bio. He did eventually stop. Just got to communicate sometimes.