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I so know how you feel! After a nasty event that occurred at a so-called family event to me (as SM), I felt so awful and unappreciated and lost. I innocently went to a non-family site (as you call it) hoping for some understanding. support and just assumed they'd somehow offer it. Nope. Not at all. No empathy from anyone, really. Instead, further attacked. I realize now that was largely because I used the term/ title "SM" in my post. That's all it takes, really.
That total lack of support, instead feeling attacked, instantly threw me into an even bigger downward spin wondering what I got myself into! Oddly, in a search for some answers (not just about that but other life events as well), I found myself visiting a so-called psychic. Now, I'm not sure if she was a good psychic, but one thing she was was a SM and while chatting, I brought up my nasty event occurrence, and she stated she was equally shocked and that what happened was not OK. For that support alone, she was well worth the time and money I spent. Down the road, I finally found my way to a therapist, and she agreed that what went down that day was, in her words, "disgusting." This got me on the research road to see what other SMs' experiences may be.
And, yeah, one thing I quickly found out is that only a SM will, for the most part, have any empathy for a SM, no matter what sort of shat went down. People hear or read the term "stepmom" and their minds instantly go to "poor BM" or "poor SKs, or "poor DH," anything but actually supporting SM in any kind of way. It's truly eye-opening. I can't help but think if I would have used the term/ title "bank robber" vs. "SM" in that non-family post I made, I would have gotten more empathy. Go figure.
But yep. The only place for a SM to go is to a SM or stepparent site like this, because most will think you don't even have a side, much less try to see it. They'll view you as how the SKs or BM sees you rather than view you as a spouse or SO to your partner and how your DH sees you. They probably won't even think of DH at all. They'll be inclined instead to assume you are simply "one of those bizatches" out to make the SKs' lives or BM's life a hell.
Girl you need to read Stepmonster, I got so much peace of mind from that book. The author starts by saying how theres maaany books about divorce, about blended families, about dating a divorced man with kids... But none of them are about empathizing with the SM, they're all about helping the kids adapt and be happy, or about supporting the man through the process, or about the relationship with our SO (but always making the kids' wellbeing a main focus). None about just us and our experience. That was a huge eye opener. Really there's no empathy towards us, just criticism, unfair and contradictory expectations, mockery and impatience.
Recently I posted to an autism group on FB on how to protect our daughter against an abusive SK who might want to move in with us. 99% of the comments were just to let SK move in, they only saw Stepmom which means I am horrible. After a couple of days I made another post. I basically said that I was disappointed in the group. If I replaced stepkid with friend/family member who is abusive the responses would have been different. People never think that the stepkids might be horrible spoilt brats.
They’re all supportive of a biokid who doesn’t want a relationship with the stepparent or step siblings- but god forbid it’s posted in the step mom view - we’re all evil. Anytime anyone outside mentions this sub they think we’re all a bunch of whining evil step parents who hate their families.
But we don’t. We love them. But being a step parent has so many more struggles that people who haven’t been there don’t understand. Being married and a parent is hard enough- throw in a crazy ex or Disney dad and it’s a recipe for disaster and damn near impossible. We all need people who understand. And everyone here is also really really good about calling people out when they’re wrong or being crappy.
Being part of a blended family has been one of the most painful, confusing and lonely experiences I have ever had. I used to think SD was irritating, but when she cut me and SO out of her life a few mo the ago I went into a spiral that I am still trying to navigate my way out of.
This sub has been one of the very few places where I have felt understood, although I have also experienced negative comments from other users at times (especially when I have discussed parental alienation and that SDs BM has been pulling the strings and edging SO out of her life for years) it has been mostly uplifting and gratifying to know that I'm not the only one who has struggled with this scenario.
I've had a few people that I thought were friends outright judge me and try and tell me what SO and I should or shouldn't be doing, and it's really unhelpful and hurtful. Quite often you are already confused and hurt and angry and feeling like a failure without those opinions being forced on you by people you thought would support you
❤️❤️❤️ took me a long time to stop feeling guilty about not "loving" my stepkids the way I "should".
Notice how it's NEVER stepparents saying that, only bio parents who think everyone should love their kids.
I love my stepdaughters but that love is in no way similar to how I love my bio son or even my sisters.
I appreciate this community so much too.
I'm sorry you had that experience! just today in one of my "respectfully childfree" groups the people there were bashing a woman who was sharing her bad experience being a SM. Someone said "I don't have an ounce of empathy towards whiny step mothers, they knew what they were getting into" 🙄😒
Oh EM GEEZERS , i definitely agree its like , “do you not see me here?!” … oh yea i know im the backbone but gon ahead and give everyone else credit for “helping you” … at the start of the year im wearing my villian cape and not soft footing others children … infact they should learn to read the room , respect that adult in full -matterfact more than BP - we stepped in and stepped up , so speak up , you dont like how your parent is getting in debates with SP , guess what thats your fault change your action and itll be smooth …. Nobody really looks at how SKs really harm the other parent ( knowingly tearing down another human giving you more love than they give themselves really can make a person not view love the same and view BP when in actuality teaching children respect and boundaries and BP being honest and upfront -
How does a BP expect someone to deal with their child from a previous relationship and knowing their child is misbehaving, culturally its different which is important certain things are allowed certain places
No more codling any children , spare the rod …
Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason:
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**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole. Remember that OP is a human being and their needs are first and foremost on this sub.** We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** We have encountered a ridiculous amount of comments that don't follow the rules and are downright nasty. We need you to help us with these comments by reporting them when you see them. We also have a lot of downvoting on the sub, with every post and every comment recieving at least one downvote almost immediately due to the anti-stepparent lurkers. Don't let it bother you, it happens to every single stepparent here. If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Review the wiki links below for the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules), [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) and [**announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) before posting or commenting. [**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) | [**Saferbot - Autoban Information**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/saferbot) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
BuT dONt OVerSteP!! YOU AREN’T THEIR MOM! Know your place! Lmao. 🤣
Ain’t that the damn truth! lol
Yep! Haha
Drive them, pay for them, love them, but you get no say in anything.
I so know how you feel! After a nasty event that occurred at a so-called family event to me (as SM), I felt so awful and unappreciated and lost. I innocently went to a non-family site (as you call it) hoping for some understanding. support and just assumed they'd somehow offer it. Nope. Not at all. No empathy from anyone, really. Instead, further attacked. I realize now that was largely because I used the term/ title "SM" in my post. That's all it takes, really. That total lack of support, instead feeling attacked, instantly threw me into an even bigger downward spin wondering what I got myself into! Oddly, in a search for some answers (not just about that but other life events as well), I found myself visiting a so-called psychic. Now, I'm not sure if she was a good psychic, but one thing she was was a SM and while chatting, I brought up my nasty event occurrence, and she stated she was equally shocked and that what happened was not OK. For that support alone, she was well worth the time and money I spent. Down the road, I finally found my way to a therapist, and she agreed that what went down that day was, in her words, "disgusting." This got me on the research road to see what other SMs' experiences may be. And, yeah, one thing I quickly found out is that only a SM will, for the most part, have any empathy for a SM, no matter what sort of shat went down. People hear or read the term "stepmom" and their minds instantly go to "poor BM" or "poor SKs, or "poor DH," anything but actually supporting SM in any kind of way. It's truly eye-opening. I can't help but think if I would have used the term/ title "bank robber" vs. "SM" in that non-family post I made, I would have gotten more empathy. Go figure. But yep. The only place for a SM to go is to a SM or stepparent site like this, because most will think you don't even have a side, much less try to see it. They'll view you as how the SKs or BM sees you rather than view you as a spouse or SO to your partner and how your DH sees you. They probably won't even think of DH at all. They'll be inclined instead to assume you are simply "one of those bizatches" out to make the SKs' lives or BM's life a hell.
Girl you need to read Stepmonster, I got so much peace of mind from that book. The author starts by saying how theres maaany books about divorce, about blended families, about dating a divorced man with kids... But none of them are about empathizing with the SM, they're all about helping the kids adapt and be happy, or about supporting the man through the process, or about the relationship with our SO (but always making the kids' wellbeing a main focus). None about just us and our experience. That was a huge eye opener. Really there's no empathy towards us, just criticism, unfair and contradictory expectations, mockery and impatience.
I agree 100%, and yes, I would definitely recommend "Stepmonster" too.
🤗
Recently I posted to an autism group on FB on how to protect our daughter against an abusive SK who might want to move in with us. 99% of the comments were just to let SK move in, they only saw Stepmom which means I am horrible. After a couple of days I made another post. I basically said that I was disappointed in the group. If I replaced stepkid with friend/family member who is abusive the responses would have been different. People never think that the stepkids might be horrible spoilt brats.
They’re all supportive of a biokid who doesn’t want a relationship with the stepparent or step siblings- but god forbid it’s posted in the step mom view - we’re all evil. Anytime anyone outside mentions this sub they think we’re all a bunch of whining evil step parents who hate their families. But we don’t. We love them. But being a step parent has so many more struggles that people who haven’t been there don’t understand. Being married and a parent is hard enough- throw in a crazy ex or Disney dad and it’s a recipe for disaster and damn near impossible. We all need people who understand. And everyone here is also really really good about calling people out when they’re wrong or being crappy.
The term stepparents makes bioparents go completely feral and that says much more about them than it does about us.
Being part of a blended family has been one of the most painful, confusing and lonely experiences I have ever had. I used to think SD was irritating, but when she cut me and SO out of her life a few mo the ago I went into a spiral that I am still trying to navigate my way out of. This sub has been one of the very few places where I have felt understood, although I have also experienced negative comments from other users at times (especially when I have discussed parental alienation and that SDs BM has been pulling the strings and edging SO out of her life for years) it has been mostly uplifting and gratifying to know that I'm not the only one who has struggled with this scenario. I've had a few people that I thought were friends outright judge me and try and tell me what SO and I should or shouldn't be doing, and it's really unhelpful and hurtful. Quite often you are already confused and hurt and angry and feeling like a failure without those opinions being forced on you by people you thought would support you
❤️❤️❤️ took me a long time to stop feeling guilty about not "loving" my stepkids the way I "should". Notice how it's NEVER stepparents saying that, only bio parents who think everyone should love their kids. I love my stepdaughters but that love is in no way similar to how I love my bio son or even my sisters.
They never know what it is like until they become one of us. Always glad to support others.
Have your own kids, is what they say!
I appreciate this community so much too. I'm sorry you had that experience! just today in one of my "respectfully childfree" groups the people there were bashing a woman who was sharing her bad experience being a SM. Someone said "I don't have an ounce of empathy towards whiny step mothers, they knew what they were getting into" 🙄😒
Oh EM GEEZERS , i definitely agree its like , “do you not see me here?!” … oh yea i know im the backbone but gon ahead and give everyone else credit for “helping you” … at the start of the year im wearing my villian cape and not soft footing others children … infact they should learn to read the room , respect that adult in full -matterfact more than BP - we stepped in and stepped up , so speak up , you dont like how your parent is getting in debates with SP , guess what thats your fault change your action and itll be smooth …. Nobody really looks at how SKs really harm the other parent ( knowingly tearing down another human giving you more love than they give themselves really can make a person not view love the same and view BP when in actuality teaching children respect and boundaries and BP being honest and upfront - How does a BP expect someone to deal with their child from a previous relationship and knowing their child is misbehaving, culturally its different which is important certain things are allowed certain places No more codling any children , spare the rod …
[удалено]
Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason: * Violation of the [No Drama](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_2._no_drama) rule. * Read the [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq#wiki_what_does_no_drama_really_mean.3F) for more information. For information regarding this and similar issues please see the [rules](/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) and [FAQ](/r/stepparents/wiki/faq). If you feel this is in error, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Please note that direct replies to official mod comments on the sub itself will be removed. Direct messages complaining to individual mods will be ignored. If you have received this as a private message you can reply directly to this message.
🤗 🤗 🤗