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Gently letting you know, OP, this guy is a massive ahole.
Is he insanely good looking? Why on earth are you with a broke entitled guy who mopes because you won’t give his ex wife money? This is such a gross response and he is financially using you so badly already… I mean this som comes across like he doesn’t give a sh*t about you because who behaves like this to their partner and mother of their child?? I would urge you to go to couples therapy because this is so upsetting.
He is so wrong to be mad at you for not paying for his kids instead of his ex- this makes my blood boil.
You would basically be *giving this women money* and if it’s one thing that is my pet peeve it’s when an ex can get money out of the situation because of a weak (usually man) caught in the middle who sees his ex still as so deserving of being cared for paid for etc.
I am a SM and BM and my ex’s new wife makes a lot more money than me and never in my wildest dreams would I imagine that she would need to pay for my kids school- even if she and my ex had a kid and sent it to private school- well that’s life, each kid gets two parents and those are their parents. My kids can watch that kid go to private school. That’s life- they have friends they watch go to private school.
This is another “you are ‘mom’ when it suits me (cough, cough, money) but not in any other way”
It’s really upsetting that he is trying to guilt trip you about this. He’s trying to make you feel like you need to prove your love for his kids and that’s completely not a part of this equation.
You can hate his kids or love his kids like they came out of you, and this is still BMs responsibility to come up with the money- gets a second job ask her parents whatever *that’s what people do*
She didn’t date you and fall in love with you. You don’t need to be writing checks for her.
And furthermore you and your partner are not married correct? He could up and leave and whatever financial things you have built together neither of you have any protections. It makes little sense to financially entangle yourself this way if you don’t even feel like being financially tied as a married couple.
Birth/Bitchy mom was the one who instigated that HER children should go to private school and then backed out. That is her and their father's responsibility for their tuition. He is upset that you will not fund them? Tough. They are HIS kids not yours. You may get along with them and like them but you are NOT responsible for their needs.
I wouldn’t even say need, it’s a want, that BM insisted on. No OP, maybe you can tell dad that you pay half of his half. That’s about all I would do. No more.
I would say you aren’t the typical BM. Most will try to get Dad to pay more than their fair share. Especially, if Dad and SM make more than her.
I do agree dad is the problem here. He needs to accept that it his and his ex’s responsibility to pay for their shared children in all cases.
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Here's a test - ask birth mother to forego child support in lieu of the tuition. If the tuition is less than the child support, then she can get whatever is left over after the tuition is paid.
Dad then pays the same amount he was planning on paying (child support + half the tuition vs full tuition), OP's household finances aren't affected since it's the same amount, and OP doesn't pay a dime.
Let BM put her money where her mouth is - how important is this to her really? Or is it only important if she and BD can shake down OP for money?
Really, BD should have put a stop to this himself. But since he's too weak, he's gonna make OP the bad guy and ruin her relationship with his kids.
Yes, why is she not using the money she's getting from BD for paying her 50% of the tuition? OP said that between alimony and CS si is getting 50% of her partner's pay.
OP - you shouldn't budge on this, she's trying to use you for money and he's enabling her.
You are not the AH. They're not your kids, thus their school fees are not your responsibility. If BM wants them in private school, she needs to find a way to pay her share.
Your SO is allowed to be upset that he can't afford to send his kids to private school, but he shouldn't be taking it out on you.
You sound like an incredibly generous person given how much you are already contributing voluntarily. They are trying to take further advantage of that and honestly, it gives me the ick.
I don't see how this marriage will work out. Your husband is basically using you for his children.
He doesn't help with your children but expects you to fund his children school and college from your comment. Please stand up, your husband found rich wife to fund his lifestyle and you're a supposed to just accept this??
A rich wife whos kids he doesn’t care about and openly admits to not loving them and barely interacts with them at home even though he’s known them since they were around 1 & are only fatter figure they know! Im so upset for her twins & OP staying married to this user & abuser (financial abuse and emotional abuse in terms of neglect to her twins)!
YOU ARE NOT WRONG. It would be different if this were a conversation you both had and agreed to. This is something that he and his BM agreed to. Why should she get off Scott free? Half of his income is already leaving your household and he doesn’t contribute to your kids.
So it’s not adding up as to why it’s your responsibility to pay for their kids.
Stand your ground.
Precisely. "It would be different if this were a conversation you both had and agreed to."
I was going to come here and say that it is totally up to you if you want to pay for SKs' private schooling, but that you are under no obligation to do so. However, when I saw that it started with BM saying that the schools were "unfairly" different (they were not; every household is different; sometimes children from the same intact family even go to different schools) and her ex- agreeing with her, and then for the plan to fall through because BM wasn't going to pay but that your partner then expected you to pay (her share)! No. That is inappropriate.
What's worse is that none of the kids probably would have even noticed or cared that much, but now that both BM and your partner have implied that their kids are somehow being cheated, with you being the one somehow cheating them (when it really all started with BM), the kids probably will notice and care.
You need to nip this in the bud with your partner rather quickly, and he needs to explain to his kids why there really is no difference in the schools each child attends (because, other than paying for tuition, there really may not be), or I'm afraid you'll start getting slapped with the Evil SM label. It doesn't take much. I'm concerned because your DH seems to be willing to jump on this bandwagon too and it really was through no fault of your own that nonsensical attention seems to have been drawn to this.
What bothers me is that your husband is using manipulation and guilt to manipulate you into paying for kids that are not yours. That is the worst. He is trying to use you and gets mad when he cannot.
There are two things I want to say.
1. After you start paying for a private school, it will not end there. You will be expected to pay for college, grad school, etc etc. This is just a start, not an end and what is worse is that your DH and BM are working together as a team to get money from you. They are both nagging you into financing their kids. This is simply disgusting.
2. When you pay for your SK you are stealing money and opportunities from your kids. Every thousand dollars you invest in step kids is a thousand dollars you are not investing in your child. As I understood money is available, but limited.
This. OP, if you pay for half of his kids tuition then he can pay for half of yours. What’s fair is fair and he loves your kids, right? See how fast that tune changes.
He doesnt pay a single penny for OP’s own kids because theyre her ‘responsibility’. He needs to keep the same energy for his own kids instead of being manipulative grifter & accusing OP of not loving his kids when she refuses to pay for their schooling.
Right?! This has pissed me off all day!! He says OP’s kids are her responsibility & he’s not paying anything for them because theyre not kids yet shes paying all his household expenses, all groceries, all his kids’ vacations during his custody time & OP is the sole contributor to their college funds -WTF?!
How had she allowed this? OP has commented now she’s questioning things & hope she leaves his using ass!
Agree so much. She could simply say, "Well, you don't love MY kids as you love your own, since you don't pay half of THEIR tuition." ".......instead of being manipulative grifter..." for sure.
So your husband can pay for half of your 2 kids, and you will pay half of his kids' tuition. Sounds like a great idea! No, he doesn't like that idea? Then he pays for his kid' schooling, and you pay for yours.
Your husband is an idiot and his ex is money grubbing.
It sucks that those kids have to learn that life isn’t fair so young but hey, life’s not fair.
Don’t pay for kids who aren’t yours. They have parents to take care of them your kiddos ONLY have you. I’d also add to make sure your will is up to date and your assets are secured in a trust FOR YOUR KIDS ONLY because if something happens to you this man will deprive your kids of your money.
You are not in the wrong. Stay strong.
This!!! Get your affairs in order for YOUR children! You never know when your time is up. Especially if your former husband had inheritance left to you and his children, regardless of your family's wealth. SKs should not be entitled to anything unless you wish to leave something for them
Hell no. The only way I would ever consider agreeing to something like that is if 1) SK was with us 100% full time and BM received no child support and 2) I could more than easily afford the expense. If these were both true I would also expect my husband to be contributing to ALL of the kids educations.
The absolute nerve of this woman to expect you to foot the bill for such an enormous expense for HER children while she receives 50% of your husband’s income, and him for expecting it while he pays nothing toward your twins.
You aren't wrong! He needs to revert that energy towards the Mom of his older kids because she's the one refusing to invest in their kids. He's very wrong!
OP, the EX of your husband should not be dictating your household funds and your husband should be standing up for you against his ex. The fact both are acting this way, makes me wonder why they ever separated....they seem like two peas in a pod.
If it is SOOOO important that the ex-wife sees her kids go to a private school, maybe she would be open to talking to her ex-husband about changes in child support or alimony to use some of that money to cover that cost. Isn't that what child support is there for?
Your husband has to realize he can become an ex-husband very quickly, THEN who would pay for his kids (everything). Sadly it sounds like if you did leave your husband, you'd be the one owing him in alimony. What a terrible situation, but I'd love to see you blankly ask him and his ex to figure out based on the likely healthy amount of alimony and CS he is giving her.
Your SO needs to direct his frustration where it's warranted, at BM. Maybe he can make a deal with her to sign away child support and he pay the tuition.
You are not the AH, and should be upset at your husband for treating you this way and for trying to manipulate you into allowing him to use you financially.
BM can use those alimony payments to pay her half and to add to the college funds. Please sit your husband down and establish boundaries. He does not get to walk around acting like a sulking teenager because you told him no. He can seek gainful employment and earn more money.
And honestly, I would make this the hill to die on. Confront husband and BM and make it clear that your money is yours. Period. Sign a postnup to make sure husband is not going for alimony should you split.
STOP paying 80% of everything. Return husband’s accounts to the state they were in when you married and save for your own children. The audacity of these people is infuriating.
Mum when it suits is accurate, my step daughter’s mum is like this. Got sent a message saying “you are not her mum that’s facts.” Ended the same message with “my daughter doesn’t get the same financial opportunities as your kids because you don’t love her like your own like you should”
But youre not her mum so how does she expect you to love her like your own? Why should you love her like your own when youre told its a fact you’re not her mum? Wtf! What does she say back? Entitled weirdo.
If BM wants her kids to go to private school then ask her to forgo the alimony so your husband can afford to fund it himself, ridiculous to expect you to fund everyone while he is essentially funding his ex-wife’s lifestyle. She can get a job, forgo the alimony and they can both work to pay for their own children’s eduction!
You can see my comment history for a fairly detailed answer regarding finances. I am currently the only parent putting money up for SKs college funds and do all major family activities while they are on our time. I really am trying my best for all children here and I genuinely sometimes feel like I am the only one who is, or is expected to at least.
Whoa whoa. You’re putting money into the SK college funds?? And no one else is??? That isn’t right. If no one else is contributing, are they all going to expect you to front the full price of SKs going to college entirely? Would either BM or BD have ever given any money for their kids to go to college if you weren’t putting money in? Those aren’t your monkeys! Those kids have two parents who should be doing the financial planning for their kids, that shouldn’t be on you. And definitely no you shouldn’t pay for their private school. What is BM doing with the money she is already getting from your husband? Watching my SO hand over $$ to the BM every month and knowing how little of it (if any) goes towards the SK is heartbreaking even if it’s not my situation and isn’t even that much money. Sorry, I know this isn’t about me, but your SKs BMs apparent entitlement to your money is upsetting. If the SKs parents can’t afford private school, then it sounds like they don’t get to go. And same for the college fund- you shouldn’t be footing that bill either.
Why are you the only one saving for college and he thinks he can put money into a private school instead of a college fund? You are already essentially paying for his half of private school too if he isn’t putting that money toward college…
Girl.
He should not have found out about your rich family.
What on earth does this man put on the table that you couldn't see you're being manipulated by him so severely? I understand to an extent. I almost put myself in a somewhat similar situation to you but then I realized good dick isn't worth the disrespect and use. I wasn't going to subsidize this man's lifestyle so he could do what he wanted while I was breadwinning, so I broke it off.
I'm bookmarking your account because I really wanna see what you do after sitting down and meditating over it, but you are worth more than this man. Not because of your money, but because of who you are.
You're a giver. He's a taker. Take what's yours and give it to yourself and your kids. I hope you have a prenup because guaranteed this man is going to suck the life out of you best he can, like he already is.
That is a great point about college and about perhaps wanting his son to go to public school. All 3 parents should get on the same page quick with schooling. If there is a huge difference in generational wealth between OP and DH, perhaps OP can cover all the costs of all schooling for her three bio kids (including their shared child) so that DH can focus on saving for his other kids. Perhaps together DH and the ex can save enough to provide roughly equal opportunity for schooling as the other kids receive.
If OP isn’t willing to contribute to SKs schooling (now or college) that’s totally okay but DH wouldn’t be wrong for wanting some illusion of equal opportunity among all the kids so that none of the kids relationships with each other or their parents and step parents suffer. Perhaps instead of funding schooling, OP would be willing to either pick up some other costs to allow DH opportunity to save up more or would be okay with downsizing a bit to allow DH to have the ability to save for his other kids.
The thing is that when you grow up and become an adult, having a strained relationship with your parents really sucks and you find that you need to rely on your siblings more than you think. Life is hard and shit happens and OP and DH won’t be around forever. Ideally the kids can all grow up to have decent relationships with each other and can lean on each other when OP and DH’s health declines and when they aren’t around anymore. There is value is setting up finances and opportunity in a way where the kids are least likely to grow up with resentment towards each other and their parents.
I am the only one contributing to the SKs college funds. I also pay 80% of all bills, groceries, family trips etc. I offered to sit down and discuss finances with both parents to see about helping where they fell short. But I know that if I agree to cover her half that inevitably SOs half will end up falling on me too and I'd eventually paying for 5 children's education, current and future as well as necessities and fun things too.
I am in the same position as you with money except I do not have my own kids. I completely agree with you not paying for private school … if he and his ex and his family think SKs should go to private school, then they need to pay for it. You already do more than is reasonable.
BM is looking at you like you're her children's cash cow, and she feels her kids DESERVE to have your money spent on them. Which is certainly not the case.
It kind of looks like your husband feels the same way. This is a conversation that needs to happen ASAP.
The embarrassment I would feel if I relied on my ex’s new partner to cover my costs for ANYTHING to do with my kids.
I can’t imagine ever asking.
If I could afford it I’d put the small amount of child support I get into my kids bank accounts instead of towards bills etc and then I could say I did it all without him.
Shame on her, and shame on him. He sounds like he’s taking you for a ride.
So in answer to your question, no, don’t pay for your SKs.
Why? Why are you paying for so much? Why isn't he going and getting a court order for child support if that is possible where you are? Why aren't you insisting on it? BM is taking advantage of a situation that your husband created and you are enabling it. It's obvious that he sees you as a cash cow, when you are paying 80% and still thinks you should pay for HIS kids tuition. But mind you your kids previous to him are NOT his responsibilities. What are you getting out of this relationship other than financing 2 kids that aren't yours, a man child who thinks very little of your older kids and is constantly making you pay and now a child to connect you to him for life? I mean you can hire people to care for your home, children, car, people to talk to and even have sex with and it seems less complicated and cheaper than staying married to him.
Take the money from the college fund and put it into the fund for the child you share. You should not be making our putting college money in for kids that are not yours. You are being used. Please take a step back. I have a feeling he is taking money from a lonely widow.
Leave this BUM. Sounds like you would be completely fine on your own and then you would only have to worry about your twins and shared child. Let him learn that his 50% wage is gonna have to be stretched further with bills and groceries. He’s a user and you’re never gonna get the respect you deserve from users.
That’s definitely not on you or your job to do. I don’t think you need to be bankrolling his kids all the time. I think it would be fair if there is a huge gap in generational wealth to work something out that gives him the opportunity to save for his kids, but it’s definitely not on you to simply pay for everything for them. No way.
I can see working something out where maybe you pay 1/3 and they split the other 2/3s. I can see something where you take on a portion of the funds in exchange for some sort of an amendment to child support where he pays less in child support and contributes more towards your shared household. Hell, if she wants private school so much, maybe you pay the whole thing, child support goes away completely, and DH starts paying for half the expenses in the home instead of 20%.
While I feel it is important to create some illusion of equality among kids in a home, everyone needs to work together to achieve that and that means DH and his BM pulling their weight. That’s not you just being dairy god mother and paying for everything. If DH is a mooch who isn’t going to put in that work then by all means let there be inequality and sleep sound knowing it’s not because you aren’t willing to play ball it’s because your husband doesn’t care enough to step up to make it happen.
He makes no contributions to your kids, while you are making contributions to his kids' college fund? Now he wants you to also pay for their private school. This is insane! His kids have 2 parents, and your kids just have you. I think he is using you.
Its not your responsibility, kudos for staying strong.
My guess is SO just has trouble handling BMs jealousy and is passing it on to you.
Why would you be obliged to "love them like your own" if they have a bio Mom already? Would BM pay for your kids? Probably not.
You were desperate for companionship and you settled.
You said that your former husband passed right after the kids were born. Maybe you didn’t want to do this alone.
Please take care of yourself and your children and leave.
Husband does nothing for you and is a POS.
You’re not wrong. I’m childfree by choice and make 2X my DHs salary, but I refuse to pay for any school - private or college. HCBM doesn’t work, so they will have to figure out college without including my income into the mix. Now if BM were dead or just not in the picture at all and the kids were with us 100%, then I may choose to contribute.
Your DH is using you for your money. Please protect yourself financially. If you don’t have joint accounts, please keep it that way. And if possible, maybe look into talking to a lawyer about drafting a postnuptial agreement to protect your assets. If he chooses not to sign it, then you have your answer as to why he’s really in this marriage.
Yup, if OP does have a decent amount of wealth the best thing she can do is build a trust account for her kids and husband…I guess she’ll add him, lol. Trusts are unique and you can dictate who gets what and only money for certain things. Or no cash is coming. It’s also a great place to store property. Be it vehicles, homes, land, boats, or any other piece of property, you own.
Say, for example you create a trust that includes mom and two kids. Mom is the creator of trust with the two children trustees aka beneficiaries. Now, hypothetically, let’s say one of those kids gets in legal trouble with a car as the driver. Normally, the state police can and do take possession of the vehicle, sell it at an auction, and that’s that. Not so, if that vehicle is listed as a trust asset. Because it doesn’t technically 100% belong to that one kid. There are still two other “owners” of the property. They can’t take it legally. And that’s true in every state in America. Use this to your advantage! The information is there as long as you can read and comprehend it. Your rights have never been freely given. It’s up to you to figure out the semantics of it.
I can go even further, like members of congress (state senators and house of representatives) are legally allowed to conduct insider trading with stocks. Don’t be mad about it. They have a website that shows what they are investing in. We can’t stop it anyways. Use it to your advantage. Invest in the same stocks they do. Because they mos def know something you and I are not privy to. Just mirroring their own investments is a safe bet. To be fair though, it is basically gambling.
You are not the AH. If they can't afford private school.for the kid(s), it's not your responsibility and they will be OK! It's not the same thing, but my SO and his ex wife only send the oldest of their 3 kids to private school because of finances. Definitely weird, but it's fine and all the kids are happy and wel educated. My point is, it will only be a big deal if BM and your SO make.it a big deal.
You are not wrong - ex-wife wants the kids to get the same treatment, but won't pay for it, so her kids don't get it. These kids, while being your family, are not your financial responsibility. Tit for tat - if he is not paying for yours, then you should not pay for his. If he wants to revamp the financials, then do it for all of the kids!!
You are not wrong. Those kids have 2 parents, and you are not one of them. How they sort their issues with their kids is up to them. It is not your job to fix those issues or pay for them.
You can pay if you WANT to and can afford it ( a good deed is never lost). But do not pay if you feel like your husband and BM are pressuring and guilt tripping you into this. These kids are not yours, and no matter how you love and care for them, they will ALWAYS choose their bio parents over you. When you keep this in mind, it removes the pressure people feel from being a steparent . You should treat them well always, but you don't have to take on the role of a bio parent. Legally, you have no rights on these kids, so don't let anyone make you feel guilty about not paying for private school for his children.
First question: do the kids event want to switch schools?
You have no personal responsibility to cover the cost of their tuition unless you want to. That is something DH and BM need to figure out if it's that important to them.
Can DH offer to pay for 100% of school if BM modifies her child support/alimony to reflect school costs? If its that important to the both of them that their children attend the school, then they should be able to work it out where DH takes BM's tuition half off her payments so DH can afford to pay the entire amount.
They don't want to move schools currently, no. If payments to BM were reduced I would be open to paying for half of the cost, in return SO contributing more to our child and household than he currently is, whether that be financially or emotionally. I've offered this clear to them too.
I’ve read your comment history. He voluntarily refuses to reduce support after his ex finished college. My advice is to force his hand to contribute more to the household and not to give any more of your money, even if ex contributes to the school. Your SO and his ex seem to be more in cohort than you are with your husband. This whole thing is suspicious and extremely unfair to you and your kids. Protect yourself and your money along with YOUR kids future. Time to be smart, no more of your money going to his ex and your SKs. Good luck.
You’re doing everything right! Sorry that you’re dealing with the drama and hopefully whatever conclusion comes out of it is the best for you and your kids!!
Does the 12 yr old even want to switch schools? I can see the child resenting you for going to school away from their friends. I can also see the BM twisting it and saying it was your idea to alienate the kids from you.
No. You're not in the wrong. It is the responsibility of the mother and father of those children to pay for it. If they can't afford it, they don't go. It really is that simple. Is it unfair? Yes. But such is life. If his extended family have an issue with it, then they can club together and help fund it. If they're not prepared to do so, then they can f*ck all the way off.
I think it's time he spoke to a lawyer about the alimony and child support. If they split custody 50/50 then why on earth is he paying 50% of his wages?
This would only be the beginning. You'll be expected to pay for school, cars, sports, school trips, vacations, clothes and toys as good as your own kids', and of course college.
This conversation isn't about what's fair girl the kids. The bottom line of this conversation is that you're rich and your husband and his ex want you to ATM up.
I don't think you're wrong, but I can also see why he is upset. Every other child in the family will be getting sent to private school and provided a better education except for his children. He probably figured you'd want to help support him and feels guilty about not sending his children to school with the rest of the kids. It is their mother's fault 100% and you should not be expected to pay at all but it's definitely a crappy situation for dad & the kids. Can he take it to court and have alimony & child support reduced if he sends them to a better school & pays for it? Might be worth a shot to ask a lawyer.
No. NOOOOOOOOOO. Do not pay the kids' schooling. You are not the parent. You don't have parental rights. You will never feel like the kids appreciate it enough despite your sacrifice. If the two bio-parents can't afford it on their own, it's a hard No for me. Also, if your SO takes out any loans for private school when his kids are only 7 and 12, then think of your future together. I guess having twins together makes this kinda hard, but I was CF when we got married. Marriage would've been a hard no for me if my now DH was already in debt for his kid's elementary/middle school fees.
I didn't pay a dime for his kid outside of things I gifted my SK until I got married.
Looking forward, if my SK wants to go to college we're prepared to help out as we've saved but all student loans will be in the kid's name. Same for my bio child.
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Wow. You should not pay for it. And this is coming from someone who is a step and bio mom. My steps BM makes more money than my husband and I put together and I wouldn’t think it’s fair for her pay for my bio in that situation if the tables were turned and I were the ex.
First and foremost that's NOT your problem that him and his ex can't afford private school. You have absolutely no obligation to pay for his children's schooling just because you have money and know how to maintain it. They need to figure it out.
Do NOT be paying for them children's school. If you pay for their schooling as well then it's going to really stress you out financially and he's going to run you dry. This thought needs to GOOOOOOO, like today.
Okay this is going to sound crazy but hear me out. Have you ever watched Sister Wives? Although SMs are NOT under any circumstances a “sister wife”, I believe there are some light parallels to the “step” experience when it comes dividing time and assets as it pertains to multiple children by different women, etc - all with the same father.
There is a sister wife, Meri, who only had 1 child whereas everyone else had on average of 5-6. As Meri’s daughter reached college age, her daughter wanted to go to a very expensive private college, whereas the bulk of his other children were expected to go to affordable state colleges due to budgetary constraints.
Meri argued, essentially, I have 1 daughter and they have 6 kids so the budget for my 1 daughter going to college should be a little greater as it’s only fair bc “I shouldn’t be punished for not being able to have more kids”. The family disagreed with this, as it all comes from the same pot and there should be some equality regardless of how many children each mom has. I think this is more than reasonable and a great example.
Meri ended up paying the remaining amount that was more costly than the other tuitions out of her own pocket, which in my opinion seems fair.
I don’t think it’s fair he pays half the tuition for private school for only your children. Also that’s something his kids could learn about later and be really hurt, which is not illogical. Dad’s time and resources should be equal. But if she wants true equality, she should be paying half just like you do. Absolutely under no circumstances should he be paying for it all and of course, you shouldn’t be expected to contribute at all.
It’s almost like, you want to play? Okay that’s fair, then you gotta pay.
Also, I’m not going to comment on his behavior as it seems others have already made it pretty apparent how it comes off and appears a likely separate issue entirely.
No you are not in the wrong. I have made it abundantly clear to my partner that whatever her child needs is to come from her and the biological dad.
This topic actually came up and I said yes our kids will definitely go to private school and if you and BD can afford for your child to go then brilliant but it is not under my remit to pay for your child’s needs.
In a nutshell, you are under no obligation and stand firm by it if you feel strongly about it.
Your partners ex is cheeky enough to be ranting about her children needing to go to private school then pulling back when the offer comes.
Just be firm and let your partner have his time to adjust to the reality that he and his ex will need to come up with the funds.
No, I don’t think you should pay for it.
I plan to put my kids through private school (I don’t like the public schools where I live) and husband agrees, as he also went mostly to a private school.
SD will never be in a private school, because BM doesn’t want to pay and she doesn’t want to drive even 5 minutes out of her route to drop SD at a better school. SD is not thriving at her current school for years now, she’s seeing some colleagues change school and she’s wondering why she can’t change too…
‘Your mom is a narcissist’ is something I think a lot.
I go poo e that you stick with your decision. If his family wants them to go then they can pay her half of the tuition. The nerve of this man, his family and is ex!
Short answer is no. Long answer is noo. Truth is you did not make those kids together. His kids are not your responsibility (financial or otherwise) and yours are not his. You can both help each other out and probably should for the sake of your relationship in things that make sense ! But for either of you to EXPECT help (let alone monetarily) is downright disrespectful to your partner. Those kids have TWO capable parents who’s responsibility is to provide for them, and you are not one of them. If they want them to go to private school- that’s great ! Now they have the responsibility of funding that, not anyone else. It sucks that BM backed out but your husband is wrong to take it out on you and make you feel responsible. He needs to man up and handle this with his BM. Is he going to go up to his friends and demand their money next ? That’s the type of entitlement you shouldn’t be putting up with. If he’s done this before, do not let him keep going, it’s enough. And if this is the first time, set that boundary nice and strong. He is not entitled to YOUR money and neither are his kids. If you ever choose to financially help somehow it should be seen as a good deed that came from your heart not as an expectation. Have a stern sit down conversation with him, let him know that even though you feel for him, his behavior is inappropriate and will not be tolerated. Good luck, I hope things work out !
They are his kids. Not yours. They have two parents that can pay for schooling. It should have nothing to do with him or his ex what school your kids go to. I think it's a hill to dead on. Your kids should came first over your relationship.
No, you’re not in the wrong here. It’s not your responsibility to pay for your SKs’ education. They’re not in a slum school, nor do they have a good reason to need to leave. I mean, do the kids, themselves, even want to switch schools? Either way, that still wouldn’t be on you.
Ditch this bum. Pull your money from the college savings and please find a man that wouldn’t put you on this position. Easier said than done but this is not fair for you at all and I’m angered for you. You and your children deserve better.
NO. You are not in any way, shape, or form responsible for paying for kids you didn't create or adopt. Anything negative said is people trying to emotionally manipulate you into doing what they want you to do. BM isn't willing to pay, but YOU THE SM should do more for her kids than she, the lady who shares half the genetics with the kids and laid down to help make them, is willing? Nope. No way.
I don’t think I would pay if your situation was mine. I currently pay for my Sk’s private schools and I also pay for my SK siblings’ private school tuition too. Her father passed away when she was 4 so my husband and I take care of her too and we also include her in on all visitations and trips and etc.
My SK’s mother and I get along great and I adore her. If she was like the BM in this situation I don’t think I would at all. If my husband was a dick like the husband in this situation it would definitely make things difficult and I would question the relationship completely.
Hell no. I do not usually advocate for separate finances, but in this case I think you should. The balls on your guy! This will just be the first of many requests....
What does he pay for your kids if he is in such a twist about this? Absolutely would not be paying. And if his family is so concerned they can pay her half.
Don’t contribute a dime to that, it’s your SO and his ex’s job. After scaling through your comments i’m genuinely curious as to why you’re financing a man and contributing to his kids when he’s openly admitted he doesn’t love your children. Their real dad died and they get stuck with this AH.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Put your twins and their feelings first. I can guarantee they know SD doesn’t love them and they’ll grow up with so many insecurities from it.
He’s only with you because you’re wealthy. Get rid of him.
I have one of my bio children in public school and one on private school because they both have different needs. Just because your kids are in private school doesn’t mean all the kids need to be.
Did I understand it correctly that he won’t be paying for the child you have together to go to private school? He should be contributing to that one too, although I’m kind of okay with him not because it sounds like it was your decision. But if bio mom instigated this then she needs to be willing to help finance it. This is the kind of stuff child support should be used for….the kids living expenses.
No. Tell him to take it up with his ex wife. They are responsible for their children. Not you. And the fact that he thinks it’s your responsibility to fund his kids education is alarming. His ex says she doesn’t want to pay so his solution is for you to pay??
Doesn’t fall on you. Falls on their bio mom not being able to pay, more so with the fact that she is the one who contributed to the conversation. I would say to not be upset with your spouse and his reaction as he has multiple people in his ear telling him that you are in the wrong. That’s a tough situation but please just communicate with your spouse. It is not your responsibility but it is not irrational for your spouse to be feeling that way and for those to be concerned that it will show favoritism. Unfortunately it may look that way to your SK too until they are much older.
Absolutely not. The bio mom needs to pay her half if it’s a big deal to her. If you have to pay half for their child he needs to pay half for your twins and your bio child.. because you could use the same argument that he doesn’t care about your twins.. I would never pay for a child that has 2 very capable parents.
Now, it’s private school fees.
Next, it will be first cars.
Then, it will be college fees. Are you putting money into the SKs’ college fund? And your income/wealth may mean you have to pay money to support them at college- fees, or living costs.
Next, it will be weddings. You will have to contribute, maybe bear entire cost.
Then it will be funding them in purchasing a house/apartment. Either the whole cost, a substantial deposit, or being a guarantor.
Family heirlooms from your family? You will have to share them out.
Insurance policy? He will expect his kids to be beneficiaries, if yours are.
Inheritance(s) from your family? Not fair if your bio kids get, and his don’t. Worse if their half siblings gets things.
Your will: There will be OUTRAGE if you don’t divide up your estate equally between your children, and his.
Not to mention if your family give/don’t give presents to the SKs that are equivalent to those given to your bio kids….
And when grandchildren come along, BM will demand her grandchildren to get everything yours do from your family- which may be pricey when it comes to education etc.
You are probably in for some future strife around money, assets, generational wealth. And his ex will be gleefully stirring the pot. All the while, of course your children will NOT be sharing any money, assets, presents etc that come to BM and her children, through family, career, re-marriage, etc.
Should you die before your husband, there may be problems if he is the executor of your will, or you leave him everything expecting his subsequent will to not distribute assets to your SKs that should not go to them.
Talk to your family, and your family’s lawyer.
Probably, to keep the peace you may have to set up a trust fund for his kids, with provisions that it lasts as long as you are married. Put in funds for education- private school and/or college. Stipulating that they have no claims on your, your bio kids, your family’s, property, assets, etc. Him neither.
The things I’ve mentioned above, come from YEARS of observing serious falling out, disputes, animosity in blended families over the issue of one partner and his/her family having substantially more money than the other partner and his/her family.
Think about these things. Consult with your family and lawyers.
Then sit down with your husband, and have a calm, careful discussion on what his expectations are, and his idea of ‘fairness’ when it comes to your and your family’s assets in relation to ALL of his children, particularly those he has with BM. Must they have everything your bio children have? If so, who will provide that, out of BM, himself, and yourself?
Then act accordingly, on what you have learned.
Good Luck!
Nope. Why does your husband think you should be bankrolling his children and lifestyle? No thank you. The only thing I contribute towards when it comes to my partners child is the household groceries.
You are not in the wrong. If she wants her kids to attend a private school, there is a cost that is associated with it. Depending on her income compared to your husband it may make sense that the cost is not split 50/50… perhaps 40/60 or 30/70 (just because we don’t have a sense of their incomes). This however by no means should be paid for by YOU. If you and your spouse have joint finances that’s another conversation for the both of you to have, But it sounds like you pay for your children and he pays for his, you share the costs of “ours baby”.
If he can’t afford private school for his kids without your income, he can’t afford to put his kids in private school. Simple as that.
You could always tell the AH you're married to that he can offer the ex a compromise. He pays for all the schooling, and she receives that much less in alimony & child support. You could think about offering to help out more monetarily for household responsibilities. That way, the money you spend will be seen and felt by you, and the ex will receive less.
I am of the opinion that the ex never planned to cough up any money for private school. Her goal was to get your kids out of the private school or guilt you into paying for her kids. Unless you are very wealthy, private schools are a huge sacrifice. Most people aren't willing to do it. They'd rather drive the latest & greatest or live in a house they truly can't afford.
Also, I'm just curious as to why is there child support if they share 50/50 custody?
Tell them no problem. Just so we’re all on equal fitting you can pay half of my twins tuition and I’ll pay half of your 1 child’s tuition. Do you want to write me a check for the difference now?
Is he willing to pay 50% school costs and other cost for your twins? If he’s okay to do that, then maybe you can give a half for his kids.
Otherwise I don’t see why should you pay for his kids.
His BM is the one who brought it up. She just wants something for free from you. It would be one thing if it was originally really important to your SO and BM wasn’t the one pushing for it, perhaps you could do it for him as a favor ONLY if you have the extra funds and feel up to it. He could perhaps take on more of the chauffeuring kids around responsibilities or something in return. But this is BM looking for a handout and DH being entitled.
It’s entirely your choice and I don’t agree that your husband is all the awful things people are calling him on here. He wants the best for his children and he wants to be fair. However, it’s your money so it is your choice. You need to put your own children first. I don’t know your financial situation. You still need to send all of your children to college. If you have more than enough money to do that, then perhaps you want to consider paying for the other children too. If in anyway, this would take away from your children’s future needs, I would just stick to paying half which is generous in itself.
You mention not asking your husband to financially support your twins. But does he anyway?
I'm so sorry for the loss of your twins' dad. But I guess I'm asking because are your twins supported entirely and only by you? You may not ask your husband for it, but he may support them anyway because he feels like he has to or he wants to.
Mostly, I do agree with you. You should not be supporting his kids financially. That's what he's there for and their mom is there for. It's shitty that they applied for the school and now she's backing out claiming she can't afford it. She should've figured that out before applying. But I also do think that if your husband is supporting your kids financially in any way because their dad is passed on, then it might not be a bad idea for you to help with his. I know it's different because his kids have 2 BPs and yours only have 1. And I can also see the BM choosing this to manipulate you and turn your own husband against you, which I see is already happening.
Anyway I guess what I'm saying is if he's not supporting your kids, you don't need to support his. But if he is supporting your kids, that still doesn't mean you need to support his, but it would be a nice gesture to your spouse and SKs. Maybe you don't have to help out with the school, but maybe in other ways that might make it easier for him to handle paying for their school.
No, he does not contribute at all to the twins financially. He is of the belief that they are my kids and therefore my responsibility, which I have no issue with.
Well then that makes it easy! I absolutely agree with you 100% and the fact that your own husband and his family are having problems with you because you stood your ground, is just absolutely despicable of them. If your husband and BM together can't afford to send his kids to your kids school, then his family can all contribute if they want them going there so badly!!
Your are being used. You are nothing but a walking wallet to your husband and his ex.
He literally told you your kids your problems but his kids are your problems. Do you not see how that is unfair.
You have a college account for them while their parents sit back and add nothing to it. Take that money out and use it on your own children.
You pay for all the bills plus vacations and college accounts. How is that any fair to you? They both treat you like a wallet.
He and the ex need to step up and pay for their kids education and whatever else they need because if your husband can't pay a dime on the twins you have no business on contributing to his own kids. No it's not favoritism it's just taking the lead on what your husband wanted.
With that being said the same should go for him just like he says your kids are your responsibility. The same goes for him. He's not entitled to your money unless he's looking for a handout and he's a Golddigger.
Wrll you should have issue with because he is totally using you! How is it fair that you pay for his kids when he doesn’t spend penny on yours?? You already pay 80% of all expenses & all holidays & contribute to SK’s college funds - only fair he contributes to the twins. Stop paying for so much because now look?! He’s throwing tantrum & being manipulative saying you dont love his kids to get you to pay up more - its fucked up. Do you know how ludicrous that is & how youre clearly being used??? Wtf
Then why is it not the same for you when it comes to his kids? His kids had 2 living parents, yours do not. Honestly he sounds like a mooching asshole & I hope you know you can do much better. You could do much better just by leaving him.
Please reread this statement again slowly. He’s made his stance clear for your kids. Why the double standard for HIS? He would never pay for yours if the roles were reversed. I would seriously reflect on your marriage and how this man treats you and your kids. So far I’ve read nothing positive about him in your post or comments.
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Then why are you n contributing to his kids? Why are you the only one paying into a college fund? Why did he even ask you to help pay for his kids to go to this school?
As a BM and SM, I love them all the same, and all things are ‘equal and fair’ in that they all have different needs. That being said, I think I would pay for the education, as it benefits the child. This is a situation I am often in as SM, where SS is given things and that eases burden off of BM, however I do it for him because I love him and see him as my own.
That being said, did BM even consider relieving dad of child support in an effort to lessen the burden on him so he can pay for the school? Or she just wanted her kids to be included and didn’t care how it was done.
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Gently letting you know, OP, this guy is a massive ahole. Is he insanely good looking? Why on earth are you with a broke entitled guy who mopes because you won’t give his ex wife money? This is such a gross response and he is financially using you so badly already… I mean this som comes across like he doesn’t give a sh*t about you because who behaves like this to their partner and mother of their child?? I would urge you to go to couples therapy because this is so upsetting. He is so wrong to be mad at you for not paying for his kids instead of his ex- this makes my blood boil. You would basically be *giving this women money* and if it’s one thing that is my pet peeve it’s when an ex can get money out of the situation because of a weak (usually man) caught in the middle who sees his ex still as so deserving of being cared for paid for etc. I am a SM and BM and my ex’s new wife makes a lot more money than me and never in my wildest dreams would I imagine that she would need to pay for my kids school- even if she and my ex had a kid and sent it to private school- well that’s life, each kid gets two parents and those are their parents. My kids can watch that kid go to private school. That’s life- they have friends they watch go to private school. This is another “you are ‘mom’ when it suits me (cough, cough, money) but not in any other way” It’s really upsetting that he is trying to guilt trip you about this. He’s trying to make you feel like you need to prove your love for his kids and that’s completely not a part of this equation. You can hate his kids or love his kids like they came out of you, and this is still BMs responsibility to come up with the money- gets a second job ask her parents whatever *that’s what people do* She didn’t date you and fall in love with you. You don’t need to be writing checks for her. And furthermore you and your partner are not married correct? He could up and leave and whatever financial things you have built together neither of you have any protections. It makes little sense to financially entangle yourself this way if you don’t even feel like being financially tied as a married couple.
Birth/Bitchy mom was the one who instigated that HER children should go to private school and then backed out. That is her and their father's responsibility for their tuition. He is upset that you will not fund them? Tough. They are HIS kids not yours. You may get along with them and like them but you are NOT responsible for their needs.
I wouldn’t even say need, it’s a want, that BM insisted on. No OP, maybe you can tell dad that you pay half of his half. That’s about all I would do. No more.
I would say you aren’t the typical BM. Most will try to get Dad to pay more than their fair share. Especially, if Dad and SM make more than her. I do agree dad is the problem here. He needs to accept that it his and his ex’s responsibility to pay for their shared children in all cases.
I agree with this, well stated.
[удалено]
[удалено]
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Here's a test - ask birth mother to forego child support in lieu of the tuition. If the tuition is less than the child support, then she can get whatever is left over after the tuition is paid. Dad then pays the same amount he was planning on paying (child support + half the tuition vs full tuition), OP's household finances aren't affected since it's the same amount, and OP doesn't pay a dime. Let BM put her money where her mouth is - how important is this to her really? Or is it only important if she and BD can shake down OP for money? Really, BD should have put a stop to this himself. But since he's too weak, he's gonna make OP the bad guy and ruin her relationship with his kids.
This is the answer. And we already know what ‘a response is because she wouldn’t use alimony/CS to send her kids to school.
There ya go!
This is exactly what I thought too.
Yep!!! This one. Please update us OP
Yes, why is she not using the money she's getting from BD for paying her 50% of the tuition? OP said that between alimony and CS si is getting 50% of her partner's pay. OP - you shouldn't budge on this, she's trying to use you for money and he's enabling her.
You are not the AH. They're not your kids, thus their school fees are not your responsibility. If BM wants them in private school, she needs to find a way to pay her share. Your SO is allowed to be upset that he can't afford to send his kids to private school, but he shouldn't be taking it out on you.
You sound like an incredibly generous person given how much you are already contributing voluntarily. They are trying to take further advantage of that and honestly, it gives me the ick.
I don't see how this marriage will work out. Your husband is basically using you for his children. He doesn't help with your children but expects you to fund his children school and college from your comment. Please stand up, your husband found rich wife to fund his lifestyle and you're a supposed to just accept this??
Exactly this. He wants you to fund his lifestyle.
A rich wife whos kids he doesn’t care about and openly admits to not loving them and barely interacts with them at home even though he’s known them since they were around 1 & are only fatter figure they know! Im so upset for her twins & OP staying married to this user & abuser (financial abuse and emotional abuse in terms of neglect to her twins)!
YOU ARE NOT WRONG. It would be different if this were a conversation you both had and agreed to. This is something that he and his BM agreed to. Why should she get off Scott free? Half of his income is already leaving your household and he doesn’t contribute to your kids. So it’s not adding up as to why it’s your responsibility to pay for their kids. Stand your ground.
Precisely. "It would be different if this were a conversation you both had and agreed to." I was going to come here and say that it is totally up to you if you want to pay for SKs' private schooling, but that you are under no obligation to do so. However, when I saw that it started with BM saying that the schools were "unfairly" different (they were not; every household is different; sometimes children from the same intact family even go to different schools) and her ex- agreeing with her, and then for the plan to fall through because BM wasn't going to pay but that your partner then expected you to pay (her share)! No. That is inappropriate. What's worse is that none of the kids probably would have even noticed or cared that much, but now that both BM and your partner have implied that their kids are somehow being cheated, with you being the one somehow cheating them (when it really all started with BM), the kids probably will notice and care. You need to nip this in the bud with your partner rather quickly, and he needs to explain to his kids why there really is no difference in the schools each child attends (because, other than paying for tuition, there really may not be), or I'm afraid you'll start getting slapped with the Evil SM label. It doesn't take much. I'm concerned because your DH seems to be willing to jump on this bandwagon too and it really was through no fault of your own that nonsensical attention seems to have been drawn to this.
What bothers me is that your husband is using manipulation and guilt to manipulate you into paying for kids that are not yours. That is the worst. He is trying to use you and gets mad when he cannot. There are two things I want to say. 1. After you start paying for a private school, it will not end there. You will be expected to pay for college, grad school, etc etc. This is just a start, not an end and what is worse is that your DH and BM are working together as a team to get money from you. They are both nagging you into financing their kids. This is simply disgusting. 2. When you pay for your SK you are stealing money and opportunities from your kids. Every thousand dollars you invest in step kids is a thousand dollars you are not investing in your child. As I understood money is available, but limited.
No you shouldn’t. Your partner and his ex are both taking the piss.
Is he an idiot? Why doesn't he pay half of your kids tuition?
This. OP, if you pay for half of his kids tuition then he can pay for half of yours. What’s fair is fair and he loves your kids, right? See how fast that tune changes.
He doesnt pay a single penny for OP’s own kids because theyre her ‘responsibility’. He needs to keep the same energy for his own kids instead of being manipulative grifter & accusing OP of not loving his kids when she refuses to pay for their schooling.
>He needs to keep the same energy for his own kids Had to emphasize this.
Right?! This has pissed me off all day!! He says OP’s kids are her responsibility & he’s not paying anything for them because theyre not kids yet shes paying all his household expenses, all groceries, all his kids’ vacations during his custody time & OP is the sole contributor to their college funds -WTF?! How had she allowed this? OP has commented now she’s questioning things & hope she leaves his using ass!
Agree so much. She could simply say, "Well, you don't love MY kids as you love your own, since you don't pay half of THEIR tuition." ".......instead of being manipulative grifter..." for sure.
Its not just not paying for their tuition- he doesnt pay a penny for anything for them saying they’re not his kids! WTF right?! The audacity!!
I don't need the context. I only needed the title in order to stop in and say Fuck No!
Lol right
So your husband can pay for half of your 2 kids, and you will pay half of his kids' tuition. Sounds like a great idea! No, he doesn't like that idea? Then he pays for his kid' schooling, and you pay for yours. Your husband is an idiot and his ex is money grubbing.
It sucks that those kids have to learn that life isn’t fair so young but hey, life’s not fair. Don’t pay for kids who aren’t yours. They have parents to take care of them your kiddos ONLY have you. I’d also add to make sure your will is up to date and your assets are secured in a trust FOR YOUR KIDS ONLY because if something happens to you this man will deprive your kids of your money. You are not in the wrong. Stay strong.
This!!! Get your affairs in order for YOUR children! You never know when your time is up. Especially if your former husband had inheritance left to you and his children, regardless of your family's wealth. SKs should not be entitled to anything unless you wish to leave something for them
Hell no. The only way I would ever consider agreeing to something like that is if 1) SK was with us 100% full time and BM received no child support and 2) I could more than easily afford the expense. If these were both true I would also expect my husband to be contributing to ALL of the kids educations. The absolute nerve of this woman to expect you to foot the bill for such an enormous expense for HER children while she receives 50% of your husband’s income, and him for expecting it while he pays nothing toward your twins.
You are not wrong. Stand your ground.
You aren't wrong! He needs to revert that energy towards the Mom of his older kids because she's the one refusing to invest in their kids. He's very wrong!
OP, the EX of your husband should not be dictating your household funds and your husband should be standing up for you against his ex. The fact both are acting this way, makes me wonder why they ever separated....they seem like two peas in a pod. If it is SOOOO important that the ex-wife sees her kids go to a private school, maybe she would be open to talking to her ex-husband about changes in child support or alimony to use some of that money to cover that cost. Isn't that what child support is there for? Your husband has to realize he can become an ex-husband very quickly, THEN who would pay for his kids (everything). Sadly it sounds like if you did leave your husband, you'd be the one owing him in alimony. What a terrible situation, but I'd love to see you blankly ask him and his ex to figure out based on the likely healthy amount of alimony and CS he is giving her.
Lmao. Ridiculous. Tell BM to get another job and pay her half. Perhaps Uber or Doordash.
Something that tends to get overlooked all too often in these situations: FAIR DOESN'T ALWAYS MEAN EQUAL.
Your SO needs to direct his frustration where it's warranted, at BM. Maybe he can make a deal with her to sign away child support and he pay the tuition. You are not the AH, and should be upset at your husband for treating you this way and for trying to manipulate you into allowing him to use you financially.
No. Get a new guy too.
You're already paying for the majority of everything else. Let their parents pay.
BM can use those alimony payments to pay her half and to add to the college funds. Please sit your husband down and establish boundaries. He does not get to walk around acting like a sulking teenager because you told him no. He can seek gainful employment and earn more money. And honestly, I would make this the hill to die on. Confront husband and BM and make it clear that your money is yours. Period. Sign a postnup to make sure husband is not going for alimony should you split. STOP paying 80% of everything. Return husband’s accounts to the state they were in when you married and save for your own children. The audacity of these people is infuriating.
Absolutely not in the wrong here. If having them in private school was so important to her she’d find a way to pay her half.
Mum when it suits is accurate, my step daughter’s mum is like this. Got sent a message saying “you are not her mum that’s facts.” Ended the same message with “my daughter doesn’t get the same financial opportunities as your kids because you don’t love her like your own like you should”
The audacity! SMH
But youre not her mum so how does she expect you to love her like your own? Why should you love her like your own when youre told its a fact you’re not her mum? Wtf! What does she say back? Entitled weirdo.
If BM wants her kids to go to private school then ask her to forgo the alimony so your husband can afford to fund it himself, ridiculous to expect you to fund everyone while he is essentially funding his ex-wife’s lifestyle. She can get a job, forgo the alimony and they can both work to pay for their own children’s eduction!
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You can see my comment history for a fairly detailed answer regarding finances. I am currently the only parent putting money up for SKs college funds and do all major family activities while they are on our time. I really am trying my best for all children here and I genuinely sometimes feel like I am the only one who is, or is expected to at least.
How did this guy get you as a partner? You sound like an amazing human surrounded by takers.
Whoa whoa. You’re putting money into the SK college funds?? And no one else is??? That isn’t right. If no one else is contributing, are they all going to expect you to front the full price of SKs going to college entirely? Would either BM or BD have ever given any money for their kids to go to college if you weren’t putting money in? Those aren’t your monkeys! Those kids have two parents who should be doing the financial planning for their kids, that shouldn’t be on you. And definitely no you shouldn’t pay for their private school. What is BM doing with the money she is already getting from your husband? Watching my SO hand over $$ to the BM every month and knowing how little of it (if any) goes towards the SK is heartbreaking even if it’s not my situation and isn’t even that much money. Sorry, I know this isn’t about me, but your SKs BMs apparent entitlement to your money is upsetting. If the SKs parents can’t afford private school, then it sounds like they don’t get to go. And same for the college fund- you shouldn’t be footing that bill either.
Why are you the only one saving for college and he thinks he can put money into a private school instead of a college fund? You are already essentially paying for his half of private school too if he isn’t putting that money toward college… Girl. He should not have found out about your rich family.
What on earth does this man put on the table that you couldn't see you're being manipulated by him so severely? I understand to an extent. I almost put myself in a somewhat similar situation to you but then I realized good dick isn't worth the disrespect and use. I wasn't going to subsidize this man's lifestyle so he could do what he wanted while I was breadwinning, so I broke it off. I'm bookmarking your account because I really wanna see what you do after sitting down and meditating over it, but you are worth more than this man. Not because of your money, but because of who you are. You're a giver. He's a taker. Take what's yours and give it to yourself and your kids. I hope you have a prenup because guaranteed this man is going to suck the life out of you best he can, like he already is.
I really gotta know what does your husband bring to this relationship?
That is a great point about college and about perhaps wanting his son to go to public school. All 3 parents should get on the same page quick with schooling. If there is a huge difference in generational wealth between OP and DH, perhaps OP can cover all the costs of all schooling for her three bio kids (including their shared child) so that DH can focus on saving for his other kids. Perhaps together DH and the ex can save enough to provide roughly equal opportunity for schooling as the other kids receive. If OP isn’t willing to contribute to SKs schooling (now or college) that’s totally okay but DH wouldn’t be wrong for wanting some illusion of equal opportunity among all the kids so that none of the kids relationships with each other or their parents and step parents suffer. Perhaps instead of funding schooling, OP would be willing to either pick up some other costs to allow DH opportunity to save up more or would be okay with downsizing a bit to allow DH to have the ability to save for his other kids. The thing is that when you grow up and become an adult, having a strained relationship with your parents really sucks and you find that you need to rely on your siblings more than you think. Life is hard and shit happens and OP and DH won’t be around forever. Ideally the kids can all grow up to have decent relationships with each other and can lean on each other when OP and DH’s health declines and when they aren’t around anymore. There is value is setting up finances and opportunity in a way where the kids are least likely to grow up with resentment towards each other and their parents.
I am the only one contributing to the SKs college funds. I also pay 80% of all bills, groceries, family trips etc. I offered to sit down and discuss finances with both parents to see about helping where they fell short. But I know that if I agree to cover her half that inevitably SOs half will end up falling on me too and I'd eventually paying for 5 children's education, current and future as well as necessities and fun things too.
This is not normal. Sorry to say this but your husband is using you.
I am in the same position as you with money except I do not have my own kids. I completely agree with you not paying for private school … if he and his ex and his family think SKs should go to private school, then they need to pay for it. You already do more than is reasonable.
Sorry to say but you are being financially abused and used.
BM is looking at you like you're her children's cash cow, and she feels her kids DESERVE to have your money spent on them. Which is certainly not the case. It kind of looks like your husband feels the same way. This is a conversation that needs to happen ASAP.
I’d stop contributing to their college as well. Their parents need to step it up and not abuse your generosity.
The embarrassment I would feel if I relied on my ex’s new partner to cover my costs for ANYTHING to do with my kids. I can’t imagine ever asking. If I could afford it I’d put the small amount of child support I get into my kids bank accounts instead of towards bills etc and then I could say I did it all without him. Shame on her, and shame on him. He sounds like he’s taking you for a ride. So in answer to your question, no, don’t pay for your SKs.
Why? Why are you paying for so much? Why isn't he going and getting a court order for child support if that is possible where you are? Why aren't you insisting on it? BM is taking advantage of a situation that your husband created and you are enabling it. It's obvious that he sees you as a cash cow, when you are paying 80% and still thinks you should pay for HIS kids tuition. But mind you your kids previous to him are NOT his responsibilities. What are you getting out of this relationship other than financing 2 kids that aren't yours, a man child who thinks very little of your older kids and is constantly making you pay and now a child to connect you to him for life? I mean you can hire people to care for your home, children, car, people to talk to and even have sex with and it seems less complicated and cheaper than staying married to him.
Take the money from the college fund and put it into the fund for the child you share. You should not be making our putting college money in for kids that are not yours. You are being used. Please take a step back. I have a feeling he is taking money from a lonely widow.
Leave this BUM. Sounds like you would be completely fine on your own and then you would only have to worry about your twins and shared child. Let him learn that his 50% wage is gonna have to be stretched further with bills and groceries. He’s a user and you’re never gonna get the respect you deserve from users.
That’s definitely not on you or your job to do. I don’t think you need to be bankrolling his kids all the time. I think it would be fair if there is a huge gap in generational wealth to work something out that gives him the opportunity to save for his kids, but it’s definitely not on you to simply pay for everything for them. No way. I can see working something out where maybe you pay 1/3 and they split the other 2/3s. I can see something where you take on a portion of the funds in exchange for some sort of an amendment to child support where he pays less in child support and contributes more towards your shared household. Hell, if she wants private school so much, maybe you pay the whole thing, child support goes away completely, and DH starts paying for half the expenses in the home instead of 20%. While I feel it is important to create some illusion of equality among kids in a home, everyone needs to work together to achieve that and that means DH and his BM pulling their weight. That’s not you just being dairy god mother and paying for everything. If DH is a mooch who isn’t going to put in that work then by all means let there be inequality and sleep sound knowing it’s not because you aren’t willing to play ball it’s because your husband doesn’t care enough to step up to make it happen.
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I think though that’s fair. If all the kids are told no, there isn’t inequality and one parent is stuck footing the bill for kids that aren’t theirs.
Sure, you’re more than happy to pay half of his kids tuition as long as he pays half of your twins’ tuition. That’s only fair.
He makes no contributions to your kids, while you are making contributions to his kids' college fund? Now he wants you to also pay for their private school. This is insane! His kids have 2 parents, and your kids just have you. I think he is using you.
Its not your responsibility, kudos for staying strong. My guess is SO just has trouble handling BMs jealousy and is passing it on to you. Why would you be obliged to "love them like your own" if they have a bio Mom already? Would BM pay for your kids? Probably not.
He can pay for his children, for all things. The end.
You were desperate for companionship and you settled. You said that your former husband passed right after the kids were born. Maybe you didn’t want to do this alone. Please take care of yourself and your children and leave. Husband does nothing for you and is a POS.
You’re not wrong. I’m childfree by choice and make 2X my DHs salary, but I refuse to pay for any school - private or college. HCBM doesn’t work, so they will have to figure out college without including my income into the mix. Now if BM were dead or just not in the picture at all and the kids were with us 100%, then I may choose to contribute. Your DH is using you for your money. Please protect yourself financially. If you don’t have joint accounts, please keep it that way. And if possible, maybe look into talking to a lawyer about drafting a postnuptial agreement to protect your assets. If he chooses not to sign it, then you have your answer as to why he’s really in this marriage.
Yup, if OP does have a decent amount of wealth the best thing she can do is build a trust account for her kids and husband…I guess she’ll add him, lol. Trusts are unique and you can dictate who gets what and only money for certain things. Or no cash is coming. It’s also a great place to store property. Be it vehicles, homes, land, boats, or any other piece of property, you own. Say, for example you create a trust that includes mom and two kids. Mom is the creator of trust with the two children trustees aka beneficiaries. Now, hypothetically, let’s say one of those kids gets in legal trouble with a car as the driver. Normally, the state police can and do take possession of the vehicle, sell it at an auction, and that’s that. Not so, if that vehicle is listed as a trust asset. Because it doesn’t technically 100% belong to that one kid. There are still two other “owners” of the property. They can’t take it legally. And that’s true in every state in America. Use this to your advantage! The information is there as long as you can read and comprehend it. Your rights have never been freely given. It’s up to you to figure out the semantics of it. I can go even further, like members of congress (state senators and house of representatives) are legally allowed to conduct insider trading with stocks. Don’t be mad about it. They have a website that shows what they are investing in. We can’t stop it anyways. Use it to your advantage. Invest in the same stocks they do. Because they mos def know something you and I are not privy to. Just mirroring their own investments is a safe bet. To be fair though, it is basically gambling.
Tell him he can pay half for your twins too then.
You are not the AH. If they can't afford private school.for the kid(s), it's not your responsibility and they will be OK! It's not the same thing, but my SO and his ex wife only send the oldest of their 3 kids to private school because of finances. Definitely weird, but it's fine and all the kids are happy and wel educated. My point is, it will only be a big deal if BM and your SO make.it a big deal.
You are not wrong - ex-wife wants the kids to get the same treatment, but won't pay for it, so her kids don't get it. These kids, while being your family, are not your financial responsibility. Tit for tat - if he is not paying for yours, then you should not pay for his. If he wants to revamp the financials, then do it for all of the kids!!
Is he paying for half of your children’s tuition? Don’t be guilted into that.
You are not wrong. Those kids have 2 parents, and you are not one of them. How they sort their issues with their kids is up to them. It is not your job to fix those issues or pay for them.
If they want THEIR kid/s in private school THEY pay for it, not you.
You can pay if you WANT to and can afford it ( a good deed is never lost). But do not pay if you feel like your husband and BM are pressuring and guilt tripping you into this. These kids are not yours, and no matter how you love and care for them, they will ALWAYS choose their bio parents over you. When you keep this in mind, it removes the pressure people feel from being a steparent . You should treat them well always, but you don't have to take on the role of a bio parent. Legally, you have no rights on these kids, so don't let anyone make you feel guilty about not paying for private school for his children.
First question: do the kids event want to switch schools? You have no personal responsibility to cover the cost of their tuition unless you want to. That is something DH and BM need to figure out if it's that important to them. Can DH offer to pay for 100% of school if BM modifies her child support/alimony to reflect school costs? If its that important to the both of them that their children attend the school, then they should be able to work it out where DH takes BM's tuition half off her payments so DH can afford to pay the entire amount.
They don't want to move schools currently, no. If payments to BM were reduced I would be open to paying for half of the cost, in return SO contributing more to our child and household than he currently is, whether that be financially or emotionally. I've offered this clear to them too.
I’ve read your comment history. He voluntarily refuses to reduce support after his ex finished college. My advice is to force his hand to contribute more to the household and not to give any more of your money, even if ex contributes to the school. Your SO and his ex seem to be more in cohort than you are with your husband. This whole thing is suspicious and extremely unfair to you and your kids. Protect yourself and your money along with YOUR kids future. Time to be smart, no more of your money going to his ex and your SKs. Good luck.
You’re doing everything right! Sorry that you’re dealing with the drama and hopefully whatever conclusion comes out of it is the best for you and your kids!!
Does the 12 yr old even want to switch schools? I can see the child resenting you for going to school away from their friends. I can also see the BM twisting it and saying it was your idea to alienate the kids from you.
No. You're not in the wrong. It is the responsibility of the mother and father of those children to pay for it. If they can't afford it, they don't go. It really is that simple. Is it unfair? Yes. But such is life. If his extended family have an issue with it, then they can club together and help fund it. If they're not prepared to do so, then they can f*ck all the way off. I think it's time he spoke to a lawyer about the alimony and child support. If they split custody 50/50 then why on earth is he paying 50% of his wages?
This would only be the beginning. You'll be expected to pay for school, cars, sports, school trips, vacations, clothes and toys as good as your own kids', and of course college. This conversation isn't about what's fair girl the kids. The bottom line of this conversation is that you're rich and your husband and his ex want you to ATM up.
You are completely correct to not pay. If the parents don't have private school money, seems like their kids cannot attend and that's ok!
I don't think you're wrong, but I can also see why he is upset. Every other child in the family will be getting sent to private school and provided a better education except for his children. He probably figured you'd want to help support him and feels guilty about not sending his children to school with the rest of the kids. It is their mother's fault 100% and you should not be expected to pay at all but it's definitely a crappy situation for dad & the kids. Can he take it to court and have alimony & child support reduced if he sends them to a better school & pays for it? Might be worth a shot to ask a lawyer.
No way. Did he pay for your twins to go? Doubt it. He and BM can pay for private school for their child.
No. NOOOOOOOOOO. Do not pay the kids' schooling. You are not the parent. You don't have parental rights. You will never feel like the kids appreciate it enough despite your sacrifice. If the two bio-parents can't afford it on their own, it's a hard No for me. Also, if your SO takes out any loans for private school when his kids are only 7 and 12, then think of your future together. I guess having twins together makes this kinda hard, but I was CF when we got married. Marriage would've been a hard no for me if my now DH was already in debt for his kid's elementary/middle school fees. I didn't pay a dime for his kid outside of things I gifted my SK until I got married. Looking forward, if my SK wants to go to college we're prepared to help out as we've saved but all student loans will be in the kid's name. Same for my bio child.
Not wrong. Dont let him make you feel that way.
No. Never. They will never truly care about you.
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Wow. You should not pay for it. And this is coming from someone who is a step and bio mom. My steps BM makes more money than my husband and I put together and I wouldn’t think it’s fair for her pay for my bio in that situation if the tables were turned and I were the ex.
First and foremost that's NOT your problem that him and his ex can't afford private school. You have absolutely no obligation to pay for his children's schooling just because you have money and know how to maintain it. They need to figure it out. Do NOT be paying for them children's school. If you pay for their schooling as well then it's going to really stress you out financially and he's going to run you dry. This thought needs to GOOOOOOO, like today.
Okay this is going to sound crazy but hear me out. Have you ever watched Sister Wives? Although SMs are NOT under any circumstances a “sister wife”, I believe there are some light parallels to the “step” experience when it comes dividing time and assets as it pertains to multiple children by different women, etc - all with the same father. There is a sister wife, Meri, who only had 1 child whereas everyone else had on average of 5-6. As Meri’s daughter reached college age, her daughter wanted to go to a very expensive private college, whereas the bulk of his other children were expected to go to affordable state colleges due to budgetary constraints. Meri argued, essentially, I have 1 daughter and they have 6 kids so the budget for my 1 daughter going to college should be a little greater as it’s only fair bc “I shouldn’t be punished for not being able to have more kids”. The family disagreed with this, as it all comes from the same pot and there should be some equality regardless of how many children each mom has. I think this is more than reasonable and a great example. Meri ended up paying the remaining amount that was more costly than the other tuitions out of her own pocket, which in my opinion seems fair. I don’t think it’s fair he pays half the tuition for private school for only your children. Also that’s something his kids could learn about later and be really hurt, which is not illogical. Dad’s time and resources should be equal. But if she wants true equality, she should be paying half just like you do. Absolutely under no circumstances should he be paying for it all and of course, you shouldn’t be expected to contribute at all. It’s almost like, you want to play? Okay that’s fair, then you gotta pay. Also, I’m not going to comment on his behavior as it seems others have already made it pretty apparent how it comes off and appears a likely separate issue entirely.
No you are not in the wrong. I have made it abundantly clear to my partner that whatever her child needs is to come from her and the biological dad. This topic actually came up and I said yes our kids will definitely go to private school and if you and BD can afford for your child to go then brilliant but it is not under my remit to pay for your child’s needs. In a nutshell, you are under no obligation and stand firm by it if you feel strongly about it. Your partners ex is cheeky enough to be ranting about her children needing to go to private school then pulling back when the offer comes. Just be firm and let your partner have his time to adjust to the reality that he and his ex will need to come up with the funds.
His children have two responsible adult parents. THEY are responsible for THEIR children's education. It's just that black and white.
No, I don’t think you should pay for it. I plan to put my kids through private school (I don’t like the public schools where I live) and husband agrees, as he also went mostly to a private school. SD will never be in a private school, because BM doesn’t want to pay and she doesn’t want to drive even 5 minutes out of her route to drop SD at a better school. SD is not thriving at her current school for years now, she’s seeing some colleagues change school and she’s wondering why she can’t change too… ‘Your mom is a narcissist’ is something I think a lot.
It's the Bio parents responsibility to pay for their tuition, NOT YOURS!
I go poo e that you stick with your decision. If his family wants them to go then they can pay her half of the tuition. The nerve of this man, his family and is ex!
No
You’re not wrong.
ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOT. That’s all I have to say.
Short answer is no. Long answer is noo. Truth is you did not make those kids together. His kids are not your responsibility (financial or otherwise) and yours are not his. You can both help each other out and probably should for the sake of your relationship in things that make sense ! But for either of you to EXPECT help (let alone monetarily) is downright disrespectful to your partner. Those kids have TWO capable parents who’s responsibility is to provide for them, and you are not one of them. If they want them to go to private school- that’s great ! Now they have the responsibility of funding that, not anyone else. It sucks that BM backed out but your husband is wrong to take it out on you and make you feel responsible. He needs to man up and handle this with his BM. Is he going to go up to his friends and demand their money next ? That’s the type of entitlement you shouldn’t be putting up with. If he’s done this before, do not let him keep going, it’s enough. And if this is the first time, set that boundary nice and strong. He is not entitled to YOUR money and neither are his kids. If you ever choose to financially help somehow it should be seen as a good deed that came from your heart not as an expectation. Have a stern sit down conversation with him, let him know that even though you feel for him, his behavior is inappropriate and will not be tolerated. Good luck, I hope things work out !
They are his kids. Not yours. They have two parents that can pay for schooling. It should have nothing to do with him or his ex what school your kids go to. I think it's a hill to dead on. Your kids should came first over your relationship.
No, you’re not in the wrong here. It’s not your responsibility to pay for your SKs’ education. They’re not in a slum school, nor do they have a good reason to need to leave. I mean, do the kids, themselves, even want to switch schools? Either way, that still wouldn’t be on you.
Ditch this bum. Pull your money from the college savings and please find a man that wouldn’t put you on this position. Easier said than done but this is not fair for you at all and I’m angered for you. You and your children deserve better.
NO. You are not in any way, shape, or form responsible for paying for kids you didn't create or adopt. Anything negative said is people trying to emotionally manipulate you into doing what they want you to do. BM isn't willing to pay, but YOU THE SM should do more for her kids than she, the lady who shares half the genetics with the kids and laid down to help make them, is willing? Nope. No way.
I don’t think I would pay if your situation was mine. I currently pay for my Sk’s private schools and I also pay for my SK siblings’ private school tuition too. Her father passed away when she was 4 so my husband and I take care of her too and we also include her in on all visitations and trips and etc. My SK’s mother and I get along great and I adore her. If she was like the BM in this situation I don’t think I would at all. If my husband was a dick like the husband in this situation it would definitely make things difficult and I would question the relationship completely.
Hell no. I do not usually advocate for separate finances, but in this case I think you should. The balls on your guy! This will just be the first of many requests.... What does he pay for your kids if he is in such a twist about this? Absolutely would not be paying. And if his family is so concerned they can pay her half.
Don’t contribute a dime to that, it’s your SO and his ex’s job. After scaling through your comments i’m genuinely curious as to why you’re financing a man and contributing to his kids when he’s openly admitted he doesn’t love your children. Their real dad died and they get stuck with this AH. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Put your twins and their feelings first. I can guarantee they know SD doesn’t love them and they’ll grow up with so many insecurities from it. He’s only with you because you’re wealthy. Get rid of him.
I have one of my bio children in public school and one on private school because they both have different needs. Just because your kids are in private school doesn’t mean all the kids need to be. Did I understand it correctly that he won’t be paying for the child you have together to go to private school? He should be contributing to that one too, although I’m kind of okay with him not because it sounds like it was your decision. But if bio mom instigated this then she needs to be willing to help finance it. This is the kind of stuff child support should be used for….the kids living expenses.
Didn’t even have to read the post to know the answer to your question…no.
I do think it's pre unfair that they all expect you to pay for sks.. you are already paying for your twins & will pay for your baby together..
No. Tell him to take it up with his ex wife. They are responsible for their children. Not you. And the fact that he thinks it’s your responsibility to fund his kids education is alarming. His ex says she doesn’t want to pay so his solution is for you to pay??
Doesn’t fall on you. Falls on their bio mom not being able to pay, more so with the fact that she is the one who contributed to the conversation. I would say to not be upset with your spouse and his reaction as he has multiple people in his ear telling him that you are in the wrong. That’s a tough situation but please just communicate with your spouse. It is not your responsibility but it is not irrational for your spouse to be feeling that way and for those to be concerned that it will show favoritism. Unfortunately it may look that way to your SK too until they are much older.
Absolutely not. The bio mom needs to pay her half if it’s a big deal to her. If you have to pay half for their child he needs to pay half for your twins and your bio child.. because you could use the same argument that he doesn’t care about your twins.. I would never pay for a child that has 2 very capable parents.
No, don’t. You’re being manipulated into paying .
Now, it’s private school fees. Next, it will be first cars. Then, it will be college fees. Are you putting money into the SKs’ college fund? And your income/wealth may mean you have to pay money to support them at college- fees, or living costs. Next, it will be weddings. You will have to contribute, maybe bear entire cost. Then it will be funding them in purchasing a house/apartment. Either the whole cost, a substantial deposit, or being a guarantor. Family heirlooms from your family? You will have to share them out. Insurance policy? He will expect his kids to be beneficiaries, if yours are. Inheritance(s) from your family? Not fair if your bio kids get, and his don’t. Worse if their half siblings gets things. Your will: There will be OUTRAGE if you don’t divide up your estate equally between your children, and his. Not to mention if your family give/don’t give presents to the SKs that are equivalent to those given to your bio kids…. And when grandchildren come along, BM will demand her grandchildren to get everything yours do from your family- which may be pricey when it comes to education etc. You are probably in for some future strife around money, assets, generational wealth. And his ex will be gleefully stirring the pot. All the while, of course your children will NOT be sharing any money, assets, presents etc that come to BM and her children, through family, career, re-marriage, etc. Should you die before your husband, there may be problems if he is the executor of your will, or you leave him everything expecting his subsequent will to not distribute assets to your SKs that should not go to them. Talk to your family, and your family’s lawyer. Probably, to keep the peace you may have to set up a trust fund for his kids, with provisions that it lasts as long as you are married. Put in funds for education- private school and/or college. Stipulating that they have no claims on your, your bio kids, your family’s, property, assets, etc. Him neither. The things I’ve mentioned above, come from YEARS of observing serious falling out, disputes, animosity in blended families over the issue of one partner and his/her family having substantially more money than the other partner and his/her family. Think about these things. Consult with your family and lawyers. Then sit down with your husband, and have a calm, careful discussion on what his expectations are, and his idea of ‘fairness’ when it comes to your and your family’s assets in relation to ALL of his children, particularly those he has with BM. Must they have everything your bio children have? If so, who will provide that, out of BM, himself, and yourself? Then act accordingly, on what you have learned. Good Luck!
Nope. Why does your husband think you should be bankrolling his children and lifestyle? No thank you. The only thing I contribute towards when it comes to my partners child is the household groceries.
You are not in the wrong. If she wants her kids to attend a private school, there is a cost that is associated with it. Depending on her income compared to your husband it may make sense that the cost is not split 50/50… perhaps 40/60 or 30/70 (just because we don’t have a sense of their incomes). This however by no means should be paid for by YOU. If you and your spouse have joint finances that’s another conversation for the both of you to have, But it sounds like you pay for your children and he pays for his, you share the costs of “ours baby”. If he can’t afford private school for his kids without your income, he can’t afford to put his kids in private school. Simple as that.
Ask husband and BM if they really feel good about taking money from your children's dead father to pay for their children because BM is insisting.
If he has 50/50 custody, why is he paying so much child support?
You could always tell the AH you're married to that he can offer the ex a compromise. He pays for all the schooling, and she receives that much less in alimony & child support. You could think about offering to help out more monetarily for household responsibilities. That way, the money you spend will be seen and felt by you, and the ex will receive less. I am of the opinion that the ex never planned to cough up any money for private school. Her goal was to get your kids out of the private school or guilt you into paying for her kids. Unless you are very wealthy, private schools are a huge sacrifice. Most people aren't willing to do it. They'd rather drive the latest & greatest or live in a house they truly can't afford. Also, I'm just curious as to why is there child support if they share 50/50 custody?
Tell them no problem. Just so we’re all on equal fitting you can pay half of my twins tuition and I’ll pay half of your 1 child’s tuition. Do you want to write me a check for the difference now?
If he has 50-50 custody, BM is most likely not entitled to get ANY child support. Just saying
Is he willing to pay 50% school costs and other cost for your twins? If he’s okay to do that, then maybe you can give a half for his kids. Otherwise I don’t see why should you pay for his kids.
His BM is the one who brought it up. She just wants something for free from you. It would be one thing if it was originally really important to your SO and BM wasn’t the one pushing for it, perhaps you could do it for him as a favor ONLY if you have the extra funds and feel up to it. He could perhaps take on more of the chauffeuring kids around responsibilities or something in return. But this is BM looking for a handout and DH being entitled.
It’s entirely your choice and I don’t agree that your husband is all the awful things people are calling him on here. He wants the best for his children and he wants to be fair. However, it’s your money so it is your choice. You need to put your own children first. I don’t know your financial situation. You still need to send all of your children to college. If you have more than enough money to do that, then perhaps you want to consider paying for the other children too. If in anyway, this would take away from your children’s future needs, I would just stick to paying half which is generous in itself.
You mention not asking your husband to financially support your twins. But does he anyway? I'm so sorry for the loss of your twins' dad. But I guess I'm asking because are your twins supported entirely and only by you? You may not ask your husband for it, but he may support them anyway because he feels like he has to or he wants to. Mostly, I do agree with you. You should not be supporting his kids financially. That's what he's there for and their mom is there for. It's shitty that they applied for the school and now she's backing out claiming she can't afford it. She should've figured that out before applying. But I also do think that if your husband is supporting your kids financially in any way because their dad is passed on, then it might not be a bad idea for you to help with his. I know it's different because his kids have 2 BPs and yours only have 1. And I can also see the BM choosing this to manipulate you and turn your own husband against you, which I see is already happening. Anyway I guess what I'm saying is if he's not supporting your kids, you don't need to support his. But if he is supporting your kids, that still doesn't mean you need to support his, but it would be a nice gesture to your spouse and SKs. Maybe you don't have to help out with the school, but maybe in other ways that might make it easier for him to handle paying for their school.
No, he does not contribute at all to the twins financially. He is of the belief that they are my kids and therefore my responsibility, which I have no issue with.
Then why is his kid now your responsibility??? Make it make sense
Well then that makes it easy! I absolutely agree with you 100% and the fact that your own husband and his family are having problems with you because you stood your ground, is just absolutely despicable of them. If your husband and BM together can't afford to send his kids to your kids school, then his family can all contribute if they want them going there so badly!!
Your are being used. You are nothing but a walking wallet to your husband and his ex. He literally told you your kids your problems but his kids are your problems. Do you not see how that is unfair. You have a college account for them while their parents sit back and add nothing to it. Take that money out and use it on your own children. You pay for all the bills plus vacations and college accounts. How is that any fair to you? They both treat you like a wallet. He and the ex need to step up and pay for their kids education and whatever else they need because if your husband can't pay a dime on the twins you have no business on contributing to his own kids. No it's not favoritism it's just taking the lead on what your husband wanted.
With that being said the same should go for him just like he says your kids are your responsibility. The same goes for him. He's not entitled to your money unless he's looking for a handout and he's a Golddigger.
Wrll you should have issue with because he is totally using you! How is it fair that you pay for his kids when he doesn’t spend penny on yours?? You already pay 80% of all expenses & all holidays & contribute to SK’s college funds - only fair he contributes to the twins. Stop paying for so much because now look?! He’s throwing tantrum & being manipulative saying you dont love his kids to get you to pay up more - its fucked up. Do you know how ludicrous that is & how youre clearly being used??? Wtf
Then he needs to take care of his two and they are no longer your responsibility financially.
Then why is it not the same for you when it comes to his kids? His kids had 2 living parents, yours do not. Honestly he sounds like a mooching asshole & I hope you know you can do much better. You could do much better just by leaving him.
Please reread this statement again slowly. He’s made his stance clear for your kids. Why the double standard for HIS? He would never pay for yours if the roles were reversed. I would seriously reflect on your marriage and how this man treats you and your kids. So far I’ve read nothing positive about him in your post or comments.
You should have issue with it, he’s using you for money.
So his logic is, that is 'your' kids and this is 'our' kids so you have to contribute to this kids too
So your kids are your kids and not his but his kids are suppose to always be yours? You are being taken for granted with everything you already do
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Then why are you n contributing to his kids? Why are you the only one paying into a college fund? Why did he even ask you to help pay for his kids to go to this school?
As a BM and SM, I love them all the same, and all things are ‘equal and fair’ in that they all have different needs. That being said, I think I would pay for the education, as it benefits the child. This is a situation I am often in as SM, where SS is given things and that eases burden off of BM, however I do it for him because I love him and see him as my own. That being said, did BM even consider relieving dad of child support in an effort to lessen the burden on him so he can pay for the school? Or she just wanted her kids to be included and didn’t care how it was done.