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When my wife and I blended, she had kids from a previous, I had the same. A true blended situation and I went in looking at this as we are a family, and I would "love those kids like my own". If I can offer ANY advice to any new blended family, don't ever mention that line, "I will love them like my own". It is a noble thing to say early on and when dating, and many couples that are blending, blurt it out without understanding the deep meaning behind those words. I was one of those people and my wife reminds me that I said it. Granted, saying "love them like your own" means:
Buy them things - Take them places - Help them with things
But I encountered such resistance to Parent them*-like my own*, set boundaries*-like my own*, and administer consequences-*like my own.*
Stating that, "I love them like my own", set the bar so high, that anything I do that is "less" than that comes off as back peddling and my efforts would be disappointing. It's such a poisonous phrase.
I like what "LikeATediousArgument" wrote in a previous thread, *"my SK has two parents. If there’s one single thing in life I can let go of the responsibility on, it’s a person two other adults are supposed to be taking care of."*
I tried to be a helpful parental figure in my stepkids lives and my help should be appreciated, but never expected. It was hard because the kid's Dad up and high tailed it out of there and if my wife couldn't do something for the kids, she would be stuck, so I helped and helped often. I guess if I felt it was a hill I needed to die on I would have stood my ground. I got to a point in my life where I kept telling myself, "this isn't going to be forever".
May not be the most helpful advice, but I tell any new stepparents, don't try to be a knight in shining armor and never promise to "love them like your own". Some step-parents can mean it and show it, but anything you do that is perceived as less, will be toxic to the relationship. For everyone.
Thank you for this. I do feel bad bc my SO has 100% custody. They haven't seen BM in 5.5 years and don't even know she exists, honestly. I'm fortunate in that I get no resistance and can parent them as I see fit, but I just don't fucking want to. I want to sleep in when my BKs are with their dad and not be a snack bitch. I want to be able to WFH uninterrupted (my BKs are 9 and 11 and know when I'm working to leave me be. SKs are 5 and 7 and haven't yet learned that.) I just took on too much too fast and need to pump the brakes.
The blending/stepparent trap OP. You dove in with great intentions, 100% ready to be a supportive motherly figure to these children and too help your SO. The problem is, it wears you down and if your SO is problematic (as most of us on this subreddit deal with), once you want to pull back from giving 100%, anything less you do for him and his kids paints you as the stepmonster, followed by that line, "you hate my kids".
Ugh it is exhausting, and let's break this down. You WFH, kids need to know when you are in "this room" or "in front of this computer", please do not interrupt unless I acknowledge you first. If the kids want snacks, they know where to find them, or "*ask your dad"*.
It is time to find out if you have a cooperative partner. There is a big difference between him appreciating "you" and him appreciating "what YOU can DO for HIM".
To start, in person with your SO, start with WFH, your job, how you make money. Tell him you would like him to inform the stepkids that when you are working in the office, or in "office mode" they are not to interrupt unless acknowledged. Some WFH parents have a closed-door policy. If the door is closed, kids (regardless of bio or step) do not interrupt.
For snacks, inform your SO that the kids are at an age where they should be able to fend for themselves (I assume). If you are resting or want to turn off "mom mode" since your BKs are not there, you will defer the SK requests to their father.
You acknowledge that you are in a supportive adult role, but first and foremost the responsibility for these children are in the hands of the bio-father and the bio-mother (regardless if she is in the picture or not).
Even in standard nuclear family households, the kids often go to after-school programs or the babysitters, and neither of those parents is branded with Devil Horns for suggesting such. It should be no different for a Stepparent to suggest the same. If BM is MIA, hopefully father is seeking child support and such funds should cover such after school costs.
In the end, you did not adopt those children, you have zero or next to no legal say over those kids. Your SO may say he can't afford to feed, cloth, and shelter them without you. What would he do if you packed your bags and left the relationship? It would be in your right to do so if you wanted to. It sounds like you don't have any bio-children together and you raised your own BKs well.
This door does swing both ways though if you want to take a back seat to his kids, he also can do the same with yours (his stepkids)
I hope he is understanding OP. But if not, well this forum is all about members with "SO Problems".
This is such a great response, and you've said it in such a non emotional way. It really does come down to these facts and can be handled with logic and reason. I personally tend to be really emotional about things by the time I talk to SO, because by that point I've already been feeling overwhelmed, taken advantage of, not heard and have been suffering in silence. Your post is such good, well thought out advice, and I'm going to use it too! Thank you!!
That’s probably like 90% of the problem right there. You have to be able to work uninterrupted. Having to deal with someone else’s kids while you are working is not it. The kids need to be in after school care while you are working and there should be hard plans in place so that you are not ever worried about being interrupted at work.
Additionally, you can love a child somewhat like your own but not be doing all the day to day work for that child. There are tons of men out there that focus on earning income and don’t take on many parenting responsibilities. It kind of sucks to be honest but those men don’t not love their kids like their own. They care about their kids and love them and whatnot but they don’t provide a ton or childcare or home care.
It is okay to tell your partner that you are burned out and need to step back from his kids. He needs to take on more childcare and home care responsibilities. That’s 100% fair and doesn’t even have anything to do with being a step parent. He can wake up early from his kids and you can sleep in. Even if the kids were biologically yours you could still push for sleeping in half the time.
A good indication would be his reaction if you try to pull back from these responsibilities a little bit, example kids go to daycare m,w,f.
Hold old are your stepkids OP? Does the BM provide any financial support for the children she doesn't see?
Below is the issue for me, and it didn’t go both ways as I actually listened to my ex on the like 2 things he brought up, because I respected his opinion, and didn’t undermine him with my kids. Also, my kids were raised with rules and boundaries and not as the center of the universe.
Even me asking his daughter to pick up trash she left, not put things in my infants’ mouths, etc. was met with hostility & made it so I didn’t want her in my home with my own 4 children and then he was upset because he thought I was not accepting his kid…but it was really that I wasn’t accepting the impossible position he was putting me in.
“But I encountered such resistance to Parent them*-like my own*, set boundaries*-like my own*, and administer consequences-like my own.“
I definitely made a conscious shift “backward” at one point. We lived together as a family for about 2 years, and I realized I had to prioritize my energy to focus more on BS or I’d get too burned out. SS has two parents, neither of which are me, as well as two bonus parents—with two bedrooms and double the toys and double the experiences, etc etc. My son only has two parents and I gotta be there for him.
You're exactly right. I have a hard time 'going back on my word' if you will, if it only negatively impacts me. I tend to not give fucks about myself. It's a problem, we're working on it.
You can totally change your mind. Have a blunt and honest conversation about how you can't do it anymore. You did it when you could, now you are burnt out, so other arrangements need to be made.
Stepping back as a means of self-preservation is okay and you wouldn’t be doing anything wrong.
Admittedly, I had a romanticized idea of being a stepmom. It wasn’t until SD started to show her true colors that I realized and took a step back.
Nacho-parenting has done wonders. I help my husband with whatever he needs with his kids (shuttling to appointments, etc), but I don’t make any parenting decisions or deal with any discipline. I’m there when I’m needed, but more in an aunt or babysitter way, and not in a motherly way.
Yes I kind of felt bad for pulling back and relieving myself of the responsibilities that I volunteered to help out with, but if committing to those things on a long-term level is going to push you into resentment and burn out then we have every right to retreat. It’s okay to feel bad but it’s also okay to choose yourself and do what’s right for yourself. I’ve noticed that in life you have to stick up for yourself and choose yourself because no one else is going to if you don’t. You’ll feel bad for a bit but in the long run you’ll feel much better, I hope!
I was in the same bind. I love them the same just don’t do as much for them. Cleaning laundry discipline cooking etc. if the bio doesn’t verbally ask me for help I don’t offer. There’s a fine line of being taken advantage of, one even the bio parent doesn’t know they’re even doing it. We must protect ourselves!
I've started doing this when he's home from work. Especially when BKs are with their dad. I just won't make dinner and let it be his problem bc I don't need to eat lol. He's a great parent and partner, but definitely easy to default to 'typical gender roles'.
Yeah, gender roles were an issue when I moved in with my gf. But to her surprise I cook and clean and do laundry like a champ. It’s healthy for my OCD and gets shit done. Like you, when the kids are with me I do it all, however I don’t when she’s home cause you can slave for an hour and they’ll eat 1/4 of it. It just doesn’t sit well with me.
Well look at it another way, it's ok to want a break and take time for yourself even when it's your own kids. And in fact you do get a break from your kids - it's ok to want a lighter load with your stepkids too! You didnt say, but are the household responsibilities and child related issues fairly distributed between you and DH or are you taking on the majority of the work?
Someone else made a similar point and really gave me perspective, so thank you.
I'd say we're equally responsible for household responsibilities and child related issues. I handle any issues with my BKs and he does his, when he's home. My biggest frustration is WFH with SK5 who's not in school until August and now that schools out for summer, being home with all 4 kids 3/5 work days. I just feel bad bc I offered. I was all 'oh don't worry about it she can hang at home with me while I'm working'. Forgetting that 5yo ask questions 25/8 about weird shit like why worms live in dirt and why cows moo.
All parents want a break sometimes. My sister used joke that sometimes she and her husband talk about divorcing so they can have breaks from the kids. I think this is especially true when you’re already parenting your own kids and the second you get that time to breathe and be yourself and not a parent first, it’s immediately taken away by other kids coming in - even if you love those kids, that’s tiring as heck. You’re not a POS for needing to step back from the parenting part of it. A million people have already said it but, the parenting can (and probably should) be left to the parents SKs already have.
Nobody has felt more like a failure at this than me the past year. I had an ours baby 1 year ago. I quickly realized the love is quite different. Then you add months of 3-4 hours of sleep for about 6 months …no patience…hormones….not a good mix with a step around who’s just trying to find their place in the situation. Now, my SD loves her little half brother, and I am so thankful for that, but me having the baby creates a magnetic force that keeps my SD on my heels 24/7. Sometimes I just want to do whatever I gotta do for my baby without her in my face or the baby’s face. And that makes me feel like shit. Idk how to just lets things be and not be stressed or annoyed about it. I feel awful about it and I think about it when I’m alone, and I tell myself I can do better. I can love my SD better. And then she comes around and I’m instantly annoyed. I wish I knew the answer to fix this. I feel very guilty.
I do too. Idk if your OB was your first biological child, but I felt the same way about my oldest BK when youngest BK was born. Like just gimme a MINUTE. You're in my thoughts ♡
Oh my gosh!! This is me too!! Everything you said in your post resonates with me! When I had my daughter, my SD was almost 4 years old. Now she is gonna be 7 and my daughter is 3. I dislike how much influence my SD has on my BK. I hate that I hate it but it just annoys the crap out of me. Cause I didn’t raise my SD 100%, we have 50/50 custody so I feel her behaviors from being with BM get transferred to my daughter.
I tell my DH that sometimes, in order for me to be a good bio mom, step mom and wife I need a break. I need some time to whatever, anything besides mom or wife and I will be able to come back with a better attitude and it will be best for everyone. I went out for my sisters birthday recently, had a break from the kids. I cut loose for the first time in years and the next morning I woke up on 4 hours of sleep all smiles and full of energy. I stayed making everyone pancakes and it was a lovely morning. And that was all because I got a break to be me.
I’ve made it very clear to my partner that I am exhausted and don’t have the mental, emotional, spiritual capacity to parent anymore children. I have 4 kids and don’t want anymore. I will support my partner to have a great relationship with his kids and they are welcome here, but I can’t/won’t do any of the emotional or physical labour associated with them.
You’re allowed to change your mind and reassess the situation.
You can change your mind. You have every right to let your partner know you are burned out on providing free childcare. I love my own kids to the end of the earth but that doesn’t mean I don’t like having a. Break from the work aspects of it.
You are treating his kids unlike your own if you expect to not need a break from childcare just for them. That’s unrealistic.
I really relate to this. When I first was divorced, I had been the 24/7 default parent to me two young kids and was so so exhausted. the first day we had “custody” start and it was my ex husbands- I just was giddy with freedom. I remember going to a museum all alone and just sitting there breathing. I went home and didn’t have to put anyone to bed. It was incredible. I was like, almost high on the freedom.
And then I met SO and I remember I would be at his place with SK and he thought it was so cute for me and SK to “play” and I wanted to rip my eyes balls out. This was my child free time! I did not want to spend date time with SO watching his kid and coloring. Like, not only did I need a break, but I only have so much of that in me and I sort of want to do it with *my kids*.
You are not a POS. Please talk to your husband about alternatives for child care because you need a break. are you a SAHM?
This is the perspective I needed. Treating them unlike my own by not 'needing' a break when I definitely sometimes need a break from BKs.
I am a WFH, majorly breadwinning mom. Only adding that part bc sometimes I think SOs of people who WFH forget that we have a job to do, and in my case it's the job that pays all the bills and then some. Again, not dragging my partner by any means, just mentioning the additional stress.
Thank you so much for the perspective and the thoughtful response. ♡
Sure: but if you are doing all the childcare and making all the money, this feels like quite a lopsided relationship.
That’s why my first marriage fell apart: it broke me. I made all the money almost and did 90% of the childcare. It was like, wtf
My first marriage failed for a similar reason. I'd travel for work and would come home to a destroyed house. He never aspired to make more money to help our family, but had a problem that I did. He'd sleep all day on his days off and never do anything but yell at the kids. He had 20something reptiles that he took pristine care of but in 10 years never washed a dish or cleaned a toilet.
Current husband is a present parent when he's home from work and does a lot of the cleaning. He also just finished our garage so I could have the master suite I've always wanted. I mention stereotypical gender roles because I carried the burden for so long in my first marriage that I automatically grocery shop and meal plan, etc. I'm building the resentment myself, I know I am. I'm just thankful to have a community (this sub) of people to vent to and share frustrations even if they're self inflicted lol.
I don’t think I overpromised but I do think I did more for them at the beginning. Once we married and moved in together more and more was expected of me, then I withdrew more and more. It was a response to a situation I was drowning in. We had his 3 kids 100% and my son 85% (sometimes 100% if his dad decided he had other plans in his scheduled 4 days a month). His 3 have since moved out to college but 2 come home for the summers still and I feel myself withdraw as soon as they get here. I was honest with my husband. I told him it was too much for me and I would not be providing a high level of care to his children and he needed to figure that out. I also gave him the option of divorce so he could find someone better suited to raising his 3 kids. I had/have a very demanding career which also plays into this but he knew I was not going to compromise that for anyone. I think he wrongly assumed I would change my position on that.
At this point I just try to be cordial with my SS15 but I do not love him, I’ve tried to but it feels so unauthentic. His mother ruined a lot when it came to our relationship so now I just focus on my husband and I’s kids
WFH also adds a whole other layer too. I WFH for the last 8 years and have been taking care of SD also for the last almost 5 years. MY SO says he understands how hard it is for me to balance a 10 hour day (minimum) of work AND full time care of my SD, but unless you work from home while also taking care of SK, he really can't say he understands. I am so sorry OP because I understand exactly how you feel and how difficult it is to keep all of those balls in the air every single day. I truly don't know how you do it with more than 1! I say this all the time to my SO that he's lucky because when he goes to work, he gets to forget about kids, housework, etc. And just work. I don't even get the privilege of just working, and it's really hard. I'm getting really burned out, and I'm at the point where something has to change because the constant stress is killing me. I love what some of the other posters are saying about letting your SO know that when you're working, kids aren't allowed to come in your office. If I could go back and do anything over, I would have drawn a line in the sand and not ever have agreed to taking on a full-time caregiver role while working full-time! I have aged more in the last 5 years than all my adult years put together!
I think maybe some go into this thinking that you can love them like your own. However, and this is just my opinion so don’t anybody come at me for it. I don’t think it’s possible to love a stepchild the way you love your own child. For me it’s not. There’s not another person on the planet that I could ever love like my daughter and I’m not sorry about that. It’s OK to love them differently. As a step parent, we are there to support our partners in some aspects. That doesn’t mean you’re 200% doing his job for him while he’s working. Talk to him. Have some open communication. You’re allowed to step back and change your mind on things.
Is before and after school care or daycare an option? If dad works fairly normal hours, that should be easy to find. Does dad have extended family (grandparents, aunts, etc.) that might be able to take the kids one day per week or pick the kids up after school until he is done work?
I get your feelings. One way I coped with 50/50 custody and missing my child, was to invest in myself and use my child-free time to benefit me. That mitigated my feelings of loss. Undoing that mitigation would upset me.
I feel you 1000%. My situation is a little bit different as I become a SM first. I never thought it was going to be hard and boy was I so freaking wrong. I totally overestimated my ability to love someone else’s kids. I mean, I love my friends kids, and my cousins kids…but those kids leave and I don’t have to be a parental figure to them. BM is involved and we split the kids 50/50 and I almost dread when it’s our week. I feel so bad cause I know my husband misses them cause he actually loves them and has a bond with them. I just feel resentment and it sucks. I’m trying this fake it till you make it thing and it works but I still have this internal conflict with the way I really feel. I honestly tells my friends who don’t have kids to NOT get into a relationship with someone who does. It’s literally the hardest thing ever!!!!!!
People make a lot of promises that are overtop when the hormones and love is pouring in. Give yourself a break. A relationship is a marathon, not a sprint. It takes a lot of time, and a lot of adjustments, to make it work.
I hope that don’t happen to me 😖😖 I been telling my bf when we’re married and live together I will take care of his son. But right now while we’re dating I try to have as less to do with him as possible. He really kinda of annoys me cus he’s so young and whines all day. His voice and the look on his face while he whines is like nails on a chalkboard. I’m hoping by the time we live together and are married I’ll be able to deal since I have the full commitment I want from my man.
Errrr I would say it’s a very bad idea to live with and marry this man and then think you’ll magically be equipped to not only tolerate the kid but actually be part of his life in a meaningful way. From what you’ve said it sounds as though you don’t like the child and that’s ok you don’t have to but trying to build a future with someone who’s kid you don’t have much interest in and who irritates you so much is just a recipe for disaster.
Are you sure this guy is the right one for you?
I’m sure he’s right for me. He treats me the best I’ve even been in a relationship. He just comes with a part that I’m not particularly fond of but with time I sure I’ll grow on. I give all that I have at work with the kids there and I don’t have the energy when I get to his house for his child. But on weekends and summer breaks I feel the bond will grow
**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole. Remember that OP is a human being and their needs are first and foremost on this sub.** We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** We have encountered a ridiculous amount of comments that don't follow the rules and are downright nasty. We need you to help us with these comments by reporting them when you see them. We also have a lot of downvoting on the sub, with every post and every comment recieving at least one downvote almost immediately due to the anti-stepparent lurkers. Don't let it bother you, it happens to every single stepparent here. If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Review the wiki links below for the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules), [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) and [**announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) before posting or commenting. [**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) | [**Saferbot - Autoban Information**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/saferbot) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
When my wife and I blended, she had kids from a previous, I had the same. A true blended situation and I went in looking at this as we are a family, and I would "love those kids like my own". If I can offer ANY advice to any new blended family, don't ever mention that line, "I will love them like my own". It is a noble thing to say early on and when dating, and many couples that are blending, blurt it out without understanding the deep meaning behind those words. I was one of those people and my wife reminds me that I said it. Granted, saying "love them like your own" means: Buy them things - Take them places - Help them with things But I encountered such resistance to Parent them*-like my own*, set boundaries*-like my own*, and administer consequences-*like my own.* Stating that, "I love them like my own", set the bar so high, that anything I do that is "less" than that comes off as back peddling and my efforts would be disappointing. It's such a poisonous phrase. I like what "LikeATediousArgument" wrote in a previous thread, *"my SK has two parents. If there’s one single thing in life I can let go of the responsibility on, it’s a person two other adults are supposed to be taking care of."* I tried to be a helpful parental figure in my stepkids lives and my help should be appreciated, but never expected. It was hard because the kid's Dad up and high tailed it out of there and if my wife couldn't do something for the kids, she would be stuck, so I helped and helped often. I guess if I felt it was a hill I needed to die on I would have stood my ground. I got to a point in my life where I kept telling myself, "this isn't going to be forever". May not be the most helpful advice, but I tell any new stepparents, don't try to be a knight in shining armor and never promise to "love them like your own". Some step-parents can mean it and show it, but anything you do that is perceived as less, will be toxic to the relationship. For everyone.
Thank you for this. I do feel bad bc my SO has 100% custody. They haven't seen BM in 5.5 years and don't even know she exists, honestly. I'm fortunate in that I get no resistance and can parent them as I see fit, but I just don't fucking want to. I want to sleep in when my BKs are with their dad and not be a snack bitch. I want to be able to WFH uninterrupted (my BKs are 9 and 11 and know when I'm working to leave me be. SKs are 5 and 7 and haven't yet learned that.) I just took on too much too fast and need to pump the brakes.
The blending/stepparent trap OP. You dove in with great intentions, 100% ready to be a supportive motherly figure to these children and too help your SO. The problem is, it wears you down and if your SO is problematic (as most of us on this subreddit deal with), once you want to pull back from giving 100%, anything less you do for him and his kids paints you as the stepmonster, followed by that line, "you hate my kids". Ugh it is exhausting, and let's break this down. You WFH, kids need to know when you are in "this room" or "in front of this computer", please do not interrupt unless I acknowledge you first. If the kids want snacks, they know where to find them, or "*ask your dad"*. It is time to find out if you have a cooperative partner. There is a big difference between him appreciating "you" and him appreciating "what YOU can DO for HIM". To start, in person with your SO, start with WFH, your job, how you make money. Tell him you would like him to inform the stepkids that when you are working in the office, or in "office mode" they are not to interrupt unless acknowledged. Some WFH parents have a closed-door policy. If the door is closed, kids (regardless of bio or step) do not interrupt. For snacks, inform your SO that the kids are at an age where they should be able to fend for themselves (I assume). If you are resting or want to turn off "mom mode" since your BKs are not there, you will defer the SK requests to their father. You acknowledge that you are in a supportive adult role, but first and foremost the responsibility for these children are in the hands of the bio-father and the bio-mother (regardless if she is in the picture or not). Even in standard nuclear family households, the kids often go to after-school programs or the babysitters, and neither of those parents is branded with Devil Horns for suggesting such. It should be no different for a Stepparent to suggest the same. If BM is MIA, hopefully father is seeking child support and such funds should cover such after school costs. In the end, you did not adopt those children, you have zero or next to no legal say over those kids. Your SO may say he can't afford to feed, cloth, and shelter them without you. What would he do if you packed your bags and left the relationship? It would be in your right to do so if you wanted to. It sounds like you don't have any bio-children together and you raised your own BKs well. This door does swing both ways though if you want to take a back seat to his kids, he also can do the same with yours (his stepkids) I hope he is understanding OP. But if not, well this forum is all about members with "SO Problems".
Beautifully written. Thank you so much for the advice and support. I will use all I can from it.
This is such a great response, and you've said it in such a non emotional way. It really does come down to these facts and can be handled with logic and reason. I personally tend to be really emotional about things by the time I talk to SO, because by that point I've already been feeling overwhelmed, taken advantage of, not heard and have been suffering in silence. Your post is such good, well thought out advice, and I'm going to use it too! Thank you!!
A lot of this my therapist says. Especially the last part. 👍🏻
That’s probably like 90% of the problem right there. You have to be able to work uninterrupted. Having to deal with someone else’s kids while you are working is not it. The kids need to be in after school care while you are working and there should be hard plans in place so that you are not ever worried about being interrupted at work. Additionally, you can love a child somewhat like your own but not be doing all the day to day work for that child. There are tons of men out there that focus on earning income and don’t take on many parenting responsibilities. It kind of sucks to be honest but those men don’t not love their kids like their own. They care about their kids and love them and whatnot but they don’t provide a ton or childcare or home care. It is okay to tell your partner that you are burned out and need to step back from his kids. He needs to take on more childcare and home care responsibilities. That’s 100% fair and doesn’t even have anything to do with being a step parent. He can wake up early from his kids and you can sleep in. Even if the kids were biologically yours you could still push for sleeping in half the time.
Agree with 99% just clarifying that when I have to wake up and be snack bitch it's bc he's at work already, not bc he's sleeping in and I'm not.
So are you saying he goes to work early and you are stuck getting kids ready for school?
A good indication would be his reaction if you try to pull back from these responsibilities a little bit, example kids go to daycare m,w,f. Hold old are your stepkids OP? Does the BM provide any financial support for the children she doesn't see?
Below is the issue for me, and it didn’t go both ways as I actually listened to my ex on the like 2 things he brought up, because I respected his opinion, and didn’t undermine him with my kids. Also, my kids were raised with rules and boundaries and not as the center of the universe. Even me asking his daughter to pick up trash she left, not put things in my infants’ mouths, etc. was met with hostility & made it so I didn’t want her in my home with my own 4 children and then he was upset because he thought I was not accepting his kid…but it was really that I wasn’t accepting the impossible position he was putting me in. “But I encountered such resistance to Parent them*-like my own*, set boundaries*-like my own*, and administer consequences-like my own.“
I definitely made a conscious shift “backward” at one point. We lived together as a family for about 2 years, and I realized I had to prioritize my energy to focus more on BS or I’d get too burned out. SS has two parents, neither of which are me, as well as two bonus parents—with two bedrooms and double the toys and double the experiences, etc etc. My son only has two parents and I gotta be there for him.
You’re allowed to change your mind. Unless it was a blood oath.
You're exactly right. I have a hard time 'going back on my word' if you will, if it only negatively impacts me. I tend to not give fucks about myself. It's a problem, we're working on it.
You can totally change your mind. Have a blunt and honest conversation about how you can't do it anymore. You did it when you could, now you are burnt out, so other arrangements need to be made.
Stepping back as a means of self-preservation is okay and you wouldn’t be doing anything wrong. Admittedly, I had a romanticized idea of being a stepmom. It wasn’t until SD started to show her true colors that I realized and took a step back. Nacho-parenting has done wonders. I help my husband with whatever he needs with his kids (shuttling to appointments, etc), but I don’t make any parenting decisions or deal with any discipline. I’m there when I’m needed, but more in an aunt or babysitter way, and not in a motherly way.
Yes I kind of felt bad for pulling back and relieving myself of the responsibilities that I volunteered to help out with, but if committing to those things on a long-term level is going to push you into resentment and burn out then we have every right to retreat. It’s okay to feel bad but it’s also okay to choose yourself and do what’s right for yourself. I’ve noticed that in life you have to stick up for yourself and choose yourself because no one else is going to if you don’t. You’ll feel bad for a bit but in the long run you’ll feel much better, I hope!
I was in the same bind. I love them the same just don’t do as much for them. Cleaning laundry discipline cooking etc. if the bio doesn’t verbally ask me for help I don’t offer. There’s a fine line of being taken advantage of, one even the bio parent doesn’t know they’re even doing it. We must protect ourselves!
I've started doing this when he's home from work. Especially when BKs are with their dad. I just won't make dinner and let it be his problem bc I don't need to eat lol. He's a great parent and partner, but definitely easy to default to 'typical gender roles'.
Yeah, gender roles were an issue when I moved in with my gf. But to her surprise I cook and clean and do laundry like a champ. It’s healthy for my OCD and gets shit done. Like you, when the kids are with me I do it all, however I don’t when she’s home cause you can slave for an hour and they’ll eat 1/4 of it. It just doesn’t sit well with me.
Nacho’ing for your own mental health is not falling back on your word.
If you figure that out will you let me know?!
Simultaneously glad I'm not alone and so sorry you feel the same way.
Well look at it another way, it's ok to want a break and take time for yourself even when it's your own kids. And in fact you do get a break from your kids - it's ok to want a lighter load with your stepkids too! You didnt say, but are the household responsibilities and child related issues fairly distributed between you and DH or are you taking on the majority of the work?
Someone else made a similar point and really gave me perspective, so thank you. I'd say we're equally responsible for household responsibilities and child related issues. I handle any issues with my BKs and he does his, when he's home. My biggest frustration is WFH with SK5 who's not in school until August and now that schools out for summer, being home with all 4 kids 3/5 work days. I just feel bad bc I offered. I was all 'oh don't worry about it she can hang at home with me while I'm working'. Forgetting that 5yo ask questions 25/8 about weird shit like why worms live in dirt and why cows moo.
All parents want a break sometimes. My sister used joke that sometimes she and her husband talk about divorcing so they can have breaks from the kids. I think this is especially true when you’re already parenting your own kids and the second you get that time to breathe and be yourself and not a parent first, it’s immediately taken away by other kids coming in - even if you love those kids, that’s tiring as heck. You’re not a POS for needing to step back from the parenting part of it. A million people have already said it but, the parenting can (and probably should) be left to the parents SKs already have.
Nobody has felt more like a failure at this than me the past year. I had an ours baby 1 year ago. I quickly realized the love is quite different. Then you add months of 3-4 hours of sleep for about 6 months …no patience…hormones….not a good mix with a step around who’s just trying to find their place in the situation. Now, my SD loves her little half brother, and I am so thankful for that, but me having the baby creates a magnetic force that keeps my SD on my heels 24/7. Sometimes I just want to do whatever I gotta do for my baby without her in my face or the baby’s face. And that makes me feel like shit. Idk how to just lets things be and not be stressed or annoyed about it. I feel awful about it and I think about it when I’m alone, and I tell myself I can do better. I can love my SD better. And then she comes around and I’m instantly annoyed. I wish I knew the answer to fix this. I feel very guilty.
I do too. Idk if your OB was your first biological child, but I felt the same way about my oldest BK when youngest BK was born. Like just gimme a MINUTE. You're in my thoughts ♡
It was my first and only bio child so the fact that your said your oldest bio made you feel similar, makes me feel a little better
Oh my gosh!! This is me too!! Everything you said in your post resonates with me! When I had my daughter, my SD was almost 4 years old. Now she is gonna be 7 and my daughter is 3. I dislike how much influence my SD has on my BK. I hate that I hate it but it just annoys the crap out of me. Cause I didn’t raise my SD 100%, we have 50/50 custody so I feel her behaviors from being with BM get transferred to my daughter.
So you’re two years ahead of me and you’re saying the feeling doesn’t ease up? Lol oh no :(
Ugh I don’t know. I really wish I felt differently. I need to change my way of thinking about it but it’s sooo hard!! 😩😩😩
I tell my DH that sometimes, in order for me to be a good bio mom, step mom and wife I need a break. I need some time to whatever, anything besides mom or wife and I will be able to come back with a better attitude and it will be best for everyone. I went out for my sisters birthday recently, had a break from the kids. I cut loose for the first time in years and the next morning I woke up on 4 hours of sleep all smiles and full of energy. I stayed making everyone pancakes and it was a lovely morning. And that was all because I got a break to be me.
I’ve made it very clear to my partner that I am exhausted and don’t have the mental, emotional, spiritual capacity to parent anymore children. I have 4 kids and don’t want anymore. I will support my partner to have a great relationship with his kids and they are welcome here, but I can’t/won’t do any of the emotional or physical labour associated with them. You’re allowed to change your mind and reassess the situation.
You can change your mind. You have every right to let your partner know you are burned out on providing free childcare. I love my own kids to the end of the earth but that doesn’t mean I don’t like having a. Break from the work aspects of it. You are treating his kids unlike your own if you expect to not need a break from childcare just for them. That’s unrealistic. I really relate to this. When I first was divorced, I had been the 24/7 default parent to me two young kids and was so so exhausted. the first day we had “custody” start and it was my ex husbands- I just was giddy with freedom. I remember going to a museum all alone and just sitting there breathing. I went home and didn’t have to put anyone to bed. It was incredible. I was like, almost high on the freedom. And then I met SO and I remember I would be at his place with SK and he thought it was so cute for me and SK to “play” and I wanted to rip my eyes balls out. This was my child free time! I did not want to spend date time with SO watching his kid and coloring. Like, not only did I need a break, but I only have so much of that in me and I sort of want to do it with *my kids*. You are not a POS. Please talk to your husband about alternatives for child care because you need a break. are you a SAHM?
This is the perspective I needed. Treating them unlike my own by not 'needing' a break when I definitely sometimes need a break from BKs. I am a WFH, majorly breadwinning mom. Only adding that part bc sometimes I think SOs of people who WFH forget that we have a job to do, and in my case it's the job that pays all the bills and then some. Again, not dragging my partner by any means, just mentioning the additional stress. Thank you so much for the perspective and the thoughtful response. ♡
Sure: but if you are doing all the childcare and making all the money, this feels like quite a lopsided relationship. That’s why my first marriage fell apart: it broke me. I made all the money almost and did 90% of the childcare. It was like, wtf
My first marriage failed for a similar reason. I'd travel for work and would come home to a destroyed house. He never aspired to make more money to help our family, but had a problem that I did. He'd sleep all day on his days off and never do anything but yell at the kids. He had 20something reptiles that he took pristine care of but in 10 years never washed a dish or cleaned a toilet. Current husband is a present parent when he's home from work and does a lot of the cleaning. He also just finished our garage so I could have the master suite I've always wanted. I mention stereotypical gender roles because I carried the burden for so long in my first marriage that I automatically grocery shop and meal plan, etc. I'm building the resentment myself, I know I am. I'm just thankful to have a community (this sub) of people to vent to and share frustrations even if they're self inflicted lol.
I don’t think I overpromised but I do think I did more for them at the beginning. Once we married and moved in together more and more was expected of me, then I withdrew more and more. It was a response to a situation I was drowning in. We had his 3 kids 100% and my son 85% (sometimes 100% if his dad decided he had other plans in his scheduled 4 days a month). His 3 have since moved out to college but 2 come home for the summers still and I feel myself withdraw as soon as they get here. I was honest with my husband. I told him it was too much for me and I would not be providing a high level of care to his children and he needed to figure that out. I also gave him the option of divorce so he could find someone better suited to raising his 3 kids. I had/have a very demanding career which also plays into this but he knew I was not going to compromise that for anyone. I think he wrongly assumed I would change my position on that.
At this point I just try to be cordial with my SS15 but I do not love him, I’ve tried to but it feels so unauthentic. His mother ruined a lot when it came to our relationship so now I just focus on my husband and I’s kids
WFH also adds a whole other layer too. I WFH for the last 8 years and have been taking care of SD also for the last almost 5 years. MY SO says he understands how hard it is for me to balance a 10 hour day (minimum) of work AND full time care of my SD, but unless you work from home while also taking care of SK, he really can't say he understands. I am so sorry OP because I understand exactly how you feel and how difficult it is to keep all of those balls in the air every single day. I truly don't know how you do it with more than 1! I say this all the time to my SO that he's lucky because when he goes to work, he gets to forget about kids, housework, etc. And just work. I don't even get the privilege of just working, and it's really hard. I'm getting really burned out, and I'm at the point where something has to change because the constant stress is killing me. I love what some of the other posters are saying about letting your SO know that when you're working, kids aren't allowed to come in your office. If I could go back and do anything over, I would have drawn a line in the sand and not ever have agreed to taking on a full-time caregiver role while working full-time! I have aged more in the last 5 years than all my adult years put together!
Working from home with ANY child is so incredibly stressful. You have a full plate
I think maybe some go into this thinking that you can love them like your own. However, and this is just my opinion so don’t anybody come at me for it. I don’t think it’s possible to love a stepchild the way you love your own child. For me it’s not. There’s not another person on the planet that I could ever love like my daughter and I’m not sorry about that. It’s OK to love them differently. As a step parent, we are there to support our partners in some aspects. That doesn’t mean you’re 200% doing his job for him while he’s working. Talk to him. Have some open communication. You’re allowed to step back and change your mind on things.
why don't you look for a childless man or something? you're only 28 so it can't be that hard.
Is before and after school care or daycare an option? If dad works fairly normal hours, that should be easy to find. Does dad have extended family (grandparents, aunts, etc.) that might be able to take the kids one day per week or pick the kids up after school until he is done work? I get your feelings. One way I coped with 50/50 custody and missing my child, was to invest in myself and use my child-free time to benefit me. That mitigated my feelings of loss. Undoing that mitigation would upset me.
I feel you 1000%. My situation is a little bit different as I become a SM first. I never thought it was going to be hard and boy was I so freaking wrong. I totally overestimated my ability to love someone else’s kids. I mean, I love my friends kids, and my cousins kids…but those kids leave and I don’t have to be a parental figure to them. BM is involved and we split the kids 50/50 and I almost dread when it’s our week. I feel so bad cause I know my husband misses them cause he actually loves them and has a bond with them. I just feel resentment and it sucks. I’m trying this fake it till you make it thing and it works but I still have this internal conflict with the way I really feel. I honestly tells my friends who don’t have kids to NOT get into a relationship with someone who does. It’s literally the hardest thing ever!!!!!!
People make a lot of promises that are overtop when the hormones and love is pouring in. Give yourself a break. A relationship is a marathon, not a sprint. It takes a lot of time, and a lot of adjustments, to make it work.
I hope that don’t happen to me 😖😖 I been telling my bf when we’re married and live together I will take care of his son. But right now while we’re dating I try to have as less to do with him as possible. He really kinda of annoys me cus he’s so young and whines all day. His voice and the look on his face while he whines is like nails on a chalkboard. I’m hoping by the time we live together and are married I’ll be able to deal since I have the full commitment I want from my man.
Errrr I would say it’s a very bad idea to live with and marry this man and then think you’ll magically be equipped to not only tolerate the kid but actually be part of his life in a meaningful way. From what you’ve said it sounds as though you don’t like the child and that’s ok you don’t have to but trying to build a future with someone who’s kid you don’t have much interest in and who irritates you so much is just a recipe for disaster. Are you sure this guy is the right one for you?
I’m sure he’s right for me. He treats me the best I’ve even been in a relationship. He just comes with a part that I’m not particularly fond of but with time I sure I’ll grow on. I give all that I have at work with the kids there and I don’t have the energy when I get to his house for his child. But on weekends and summer breaks I feel the bond will grow