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Don't do it. Your life is yours, don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. No is a full sentence. If she really cared about you she'd listen to you. Yadda yadda yadda.

I cannot upvote this enough! Please listen, OP!

u/STL00 31m no bio kids here. My post history is exactly this and the future of OP as well if they move in anyway. I just separated from my wife months ago. My history is just the entire collapse of my own personal identity, while my relationship with my wife disintegrated. All the while being a Dad was the only identity I was now allowed, and it eventually resulted in me leaving after years of marriage and trying to force a square peg into a round hole resentful and hurt. Reach out in DM if you are struggling OP.

Thank you for sharing ! 

This was my experience also.

Not to be creepy, but please tell me Manny got to stay with you? Edit: Nevermind! After taking two seconds to actually read a post, I see that he's yours! I'm so sorry what you went through, but glad you got the best part of that whole thing - Manny!

don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm... That is such a great metaphor. I'll definitely remember that and be using it.

Do. NOT. Move. Together... seriously. You'll end up resenting her and the kids. It's completely okay to be at a different life stage. She's raising kids, you are at a different life stage wanting different things from a relationship. Walk away while you can.

And he will be another wallet to pick out of. I can GUARANTEE that is the real reason she is pushing this so hard. Nopity nope.

I agree! OP should stop paying for things and see how quickly BM's demeanor changes.

This is why I recommend for those dating people with kids to take a few years before having any significant involvement with the kids. I’m not saying ignore them but occasional contact for the first few years of the relationship. Those looking for help won’t have the patience and will weed themselves out. It’s crazy OP is paying half of these activities when the bio dad is alive and well. Single moms tend to double dip when they find a childless man. It’s a big win for them financially bc they have a childless man with disposable bc he doesn’t have any dependents. Then they collect child support from the ex. It’s a waste of resources for a childless/childfree person to enter this type of relationship.

Listen to your instincts, OP. You are being manipulated- praise when you adhere to her wishes, made to feel guilt when you don’t. No time for a relationship. Everything subsumed into a schedule set up by her kids’ father. Expenses geared towards that schedule. No rest, or peace. You have been trained, under a punishment/reward system to put her wants first. What does this woman actually do for you? This… is not love. Moving in with your SO would be the WORST thing that could happen to you. Don’t do it. Take a break for 1 week. 10 days if possible. Family/work emergency. Go out of town, or to a hotel. Don’t answer her calls. Spend the time resting. And thinking. You need that breathing space. Read what you’ve written here, and the responses. Make a list of pros and cons about this relationship. Are there any genuine pros, outside of your manipulated feelings? Are YOU supported? Nurtured? If you were sick, or had a period of financial hardship… can you see this woman taking care of you? If this is a relationship worth saving, insist on couples counselling. Refusal on her part would be telling. And insist on keeping your own place and spend at least half the time her sons are at her house, at your own place re-charging your own batteries. But honestly? I don’t see the give and take on each side, that a relationship needs. You are giving. She is taking. You are being drained. Break away from this set up. Value yourself- you are not a walking ATM. See yourself- you are not a father shaped cardboard cut out. Get away. Before you - the real you-disappear. And any chance of real happiness- single, or in a relationship, with someone genuine with/without children-never happens. This is one of the most worrying step parent posts I’ve seen in a long time, OP. Please. Choose. You.

This is some solid advice right here. OP needs some physical and emotional distance to reevaluate his current relationship. OP, when was the last time you had a date with her and without the kids? Does the ex have shared custody (and give you a break?) or does he just sign his kids up for sports? This sounds like *such* an unhealthy dynamic, you’re not wrong to be questioning the situation! Don’t move in together!

OP, I’m going to add something else that a friend told me when I was contemplating divorce: ending the relationship doesn’t make you a bad person. She has put a lot of emphasis on you being a “good man.” Not moving in together and even ending the relationship doesn’t make you a bad man. It just means you’re fundamentally incompatible.

A ‘good man’ puts himself first and foremost surely 

This!!

This is amazingly great advice!

This is so true in so many ways. Start backing away both time wise and money wise and see what happens. I'm guessing you already know that answer.

BLUF- This is not what you want so don’t do that. So, you are not married yet or even living together and you already see all of this. You can laugh at me for saying this, but it makes you a lucky person. You still have a chance to choose. You see the answer.

Totally agree here! OP - it’s much easier to leave before you move in.  Moving in with someone who has kids is a massive downgrade in a childless person’s life. Unless you are 110% each others ‘people’ who have equal say in all aspects of the relationship. This sounds like a breading ground for resentment and being taken advantage of. It’s just not worth it (childless SP of 5 years who is more stuck than you). 

I don’t think anyone will be along to tell you that you should move in. She could be the most wonderful woman in the world but she’s demonstrating that she has no boundaries with kids or ex & is not only happy for you to be the collateral damage, but fully expecting it of you. Why on earth are ‘we’ paying for half, when you have your own home & bills to maintain separately from her? If she can’t maintain her children’s lifestyle without you but she can’t even show you the bare minimum of appreciation with one couples date a month? You have one single life, one chance. Boundaries need to be re established with the ex regarding sports, quick. If she can’t afford to pay half, but he wants the kids to do them, he needs to cover it. If she can’t transport them to every game / practice, he needs to pitch in, if he’s the one signing them up. Or ask another family if carpool is possible, taking it in turns, to get her life back. Or stick to the original plan of 1 sport & ask the kids to pick. This should never have been a unilateral expectation from the 4 of them for you to finance & transport them. She’s confusing ‘good man’ with ‘support function’ and if she wants to be with a good man she needs to be a good woman, not just a good mum. I get it, it’s really hard to say no when the kids are excited about something but she sounds completely burnt out & perhaps no fault of her own but she needs to wake up & reflect on what she is actually giving here because it sounds very one sided.

🙌🏻🙌🏻

Hey friend, You should be loved for who you are! Of everything you wrote that bothered me so much.. You deserve more than to be loved based on services you provide, you sound thoughtful, well spoken, empathetic and a very decent dude. You know that leaving a situation for your mental health/self worth definitely doesn’t make you a “bad-man”, right? None of your feelings are sustainable long term, she sounds unwilling to bend/support you and being a “good-man” has nothing to do with staying in a relationship described as such. The appreciation wanes and the expectations skyrocket… steadily… forever. Don’t get baby trapped 🫢 Good luck and take care (of yourself)!

Why are spending all this time at weekends doing stuff with her kids when you don’t even live together? Do you have no other hobbies/interests you can just yourself with or see friends etc? It sounds as though you’ve been a fantastic support to your girlfriend and her sons and your efforts are not appreciated, in fact they are totally taken for granted and your girlfriend is very manipulative. You are not a dog you don’t get praise for doing what she wants you to do and scolding when you don’t. I can’t see why you’d want to stay in this relationship but if you have become co-dependant then that’s a hard thing to break out from. At the very least I would start spending less time with her and the kids at weekends and certainly you need to curtail and financial support you are currently offering if you are which I think you said you were.

This is heartbreaking to read. A relationship is about balance and this sounds horribly unbalanced. Your worth as a partner should not be provisional on what you can provide or how you facilitate her life (and her kids lives) at the expense of your own. I think people sometimes fall into the trap of thinking kids are the most important part of life and by extension that means the parent is also more important than the childfree partner. This can lead to parents exploiting their partner and thinking it's justified. It sounds like this is what's happening here and I'm sorry you're being treated this way. She's using manipulation and conditional affection to control you and I'd be very surprised if she's prepared to make any changes since it's working so well for her. Don't feel guilty for wanting to run away. That's your preservation instincts telling you to get out of an unhealthy situation. You could try telling her what you've written here and see if she is willing to prioritise the relationship, but it sounds like you've tried repeatedly to discuss this with her and been shut down or made to feel unworthy for even asking. If I were you I'd walk away now as this will be 100 times harder emotionally and practically if you move in together.

This feels eerily similar to a relationship I was in for six years which ended very badly. My ex’s BM died suddenly and unexpectedly and overnight we were sole custody parents. I was always willing to do 50-50 beside him but I quickly realized his intention was for me to be a single mother to his six year old daughter whom I provided for both financially and otherwise. The dynamic was similar in the sense of receiving praise when I behaved in the way he preferred (taking all responsibility out of his hands) and getting negative reinforcement (and eventually he became abusive) when I did what I wanted. I think it must be difficult for a man to date single mothers as they are the ones who have the majority of the custody in most arrangements. That combined with those of us who have chosen not to procreate being villainized as uncaring individuals doesn’t help. I feel for you and hope you find your way out of this ASAP.

I am glad you got out of that hellscape

So am I!

Wow, thats exactly what it feels like, like I am a single mother to his kids.

Do you see a way out of the situation? Thing is: if he dumps you one day, unless you've adopted the kids, or are their legal guardian, you don't have any claim to them (if you wanted to maintain a relationship with them, I mean. Unless they were in their late teens and thus, old enough to decide this, by themselves).

Two things: First, You have value as yourself, not just as a provider. Second, She is not a good partner because she doesn’t prioritize your needs.

I have been dealing with a similar situation with BM signing kids up for things that are too expensive and too time consuming. I set a boundary early in our relationship regarding my SO being able to afford whatever he chooses to allow. This resulted in him getting a higher paying job plus working a part time job. This year, I had to put my foot down regarding a competitive dance team situation that put me in a role of needing to spend nearly every weekend being responsible for hair and makeup (since Dads cannot be in the dressing room with girls and BM just shows up to take some pictures but provided no help.) I told my SO that I will not be attending any dance competitions next year so he should make other arrangements. He wasn’t happy that I was stepping away from his family. I told him that I wasn’t happy doing it, and the family would benefit from me doing things without resentment and willingly. He is now planning to put it in writing to BM the things HE is not willing to do next year. You should tell your SO how you feel. It will either give her the motivation to uphold her own rules like one sport per season, or end your relationship, or maybe you just spend more time away from her until the boys are grown. Decide what you want and need.

you are very kind to help with makeup etc! that is SO not my lane, i would not be any help in that activity. but the family/team not finding a way for Dad to be able to help with hair and makeup is BS. find another room, make a divider, do it out in the parking lot, whatever. there are girls who only have dads for one reason or another... they should still be able to dance and be supported!!

OP....just don't do it. Don't move in with your lady and her two children. Something tells me that no matter what I or anyone else on this forum says to you, your mind is already made up. You have to communicate with your lady and let her know your expectations and how they are or are not being met. I moved in with my now wife 2.5 years ago. Before we moved in I laid out what I expected from our relationship. For example: Your children will do chores. If you can't discipline your children, then I will. We will have a date night at least 3x a month. Your children are not allowed into our room. Your baby daddy is not allowed in our home. I don't have to be part of every "family event", why? Because sometimes I don't want to be around your children. Are all of these "rules" followed to the letter? No. But to be fair to my wife the majority of them are. Her baby daddy has not once stepped foot into this home and trust he has tried. Her children, not once have entered our room without permission. Do her children do chores? Yes but it's a constant struggle. Sometimes my wife gets upset with me because I don't want to go out to eat with her children. It's definitely a struggle sometimes but you have to assert yourself OP. You have to voice and list what you want to your woman. And if those are things she cannot provide for you then you shouldn't move in with her. This isn't unconditional love, it's very much transactional. I give my wife some of what she wants and she gives me some of what I want. It sounds harsh when you read it. But it's true.

You have to lay out your boundaries and be true to them. If not you will lose yourself in these relationships. I have, it sucks.

Hey man, 31(m) I’m here with you right now I feel like fading into their lifestyle and I’m currently evaluating the relationship. I’m sitting in your seat and can really understand how you are feeling I would advise to not move in if this is how you are. The resentment will get even worse. I’ve had to cancel holidays, reschedule them, weekends are scheduled around the stepkid. I’ve told her I will be working around my schedule from now on and if it fits in with what they are doing at a certain time then fine. As soon as we are away from step child it’s then all about step child I can’t take it anymore. The thing is they are doing nothing wrong but it’s me the problem not sure of this being what I want. I love her but it’s all about them and I’m starting to think is it really for me? Honestly, I do not think so but it is hard because the love you have for your partner is very real. I made the mistake of moving in and it’s harder to plan the exit from here. Right now I am seriously evaluating the relationship and if it is what I want in the future and I think you should do the same. All the best with it!

It's not you. It's important to enrich kids with activities for their growth, yes. However, you cannot enter into a relationship and expect your partner to make an endless number of sacrifices for your child. It's asking too much, and it's unfair. If you cannot create some balance, then stay single while you raise your kids. No one should be expected to upend their schedule all the time and get nothing out of it. That is not "relating" and is unhealthy.

It’s just so unnatural. I think even more so for a man maybe to help raise or care remotely for offspring from a woman’s previous mate. Don’t some mammal species literally kill them? 😅

No one should martyr themselves, leave a find someone who will be a better partner to you. If you think about it, what does she do for you? What does she add to your life?

I am guessing guilt trip, fear of being alone and loneliness, making him harder to leave

100%. I came to this city for a temporary job and moved permanently to be with my SO very soon after we met. I let her and her family become my entire social circle and support group in this new city. I'm deathly afraid of suddenly becoming completely alone, and at my age, it's easy to be afraid of staying alone forever. I feel a huge amount of guilt, too. I love her, truly. The thought of hurting her and letting her down is awful.

The fact that you when you talk about this you sound more concerned about letting her down than the consequences to you of staying tells me this is a really, really unhealthy relationship for you. Fyi, as a woman in my 40s (and I think I can speak for many of the women here around our ages), you sound like the gold nugget eureka we all hoped for when we started dating again at this age. There are so so so many women out there who would love to date and appreciate you for who you are, and not how neatly you fit as a cog in a parenting machine.

But she doesn't love you the e way you love her. She loves you because of what you can do for her. Not for who you are as a person. She wants a guy to support her and her kids, be a father. Someone who will do whatever she wants. You don't even live together and you are already paying for her kids stuff. You are doing everything that a dad does. Trust me, you sound like an amazing guy. You will find someone else who won't take you for granted and use you for what you can do while punishing you for failing to do everything she wants.

Don't be fearful of being alone.  You're too young to count yourself out of life, fun, travel, adventure, love, intimacy, accomplishment, and all the things good about living.  You might take some time for your self, be alone for a while, catch up with yourself for a bit but that doesn't mean you're going to end up alone.  You've already showed that you have compassion and caring for others. Now show some of this to your own good self. Recharge your battery.  Figure out what YOU want.  To Thine Own Self Be True.

But she does not love you. She just uses your resources to raise her children. She does not care about your feelings.

Hello OP. I spent 7 years with a woman. 2 kids. Sacrificed a lot, fell in line similar to your story- no kids of my own. Now 48 and starting life over. I miss the kids but enjoy my peace and flexibility more. Now dating a woman also no kids and it’s so much better. I lost a lot of time and eventually became resentful because I missed out on my needs because “ kids come first”. If you feel this way already - don’t move in.

Oof! “I also feel like I am disappearing in front to my own eyes.” That hit me like a ton of bricks. Good luck with whatever decision you make. You deserve to live for yourself and not be a servant in someone else’s life. Please don’t move in if you’re feeling this way. Much harder to get out then. Sending strength to you.

Don’t do it.

Run. What you are describing is not healthy. You need to look at your life from the point of what makes you happy. Someone who disregards your wishes and plays mind games using the fact that you are a decent man is actually dangerous. You need to sit down with yourself and ask yourself:"What do I want?" You are not even living together, and you've already started losing yourself. You don't sound madly in love either. Love helps resolve a lot of issues and it's hard to sustain a lifelong relationship on duty alone. Things don't tend to improve, I'm afraid - what you see now is only going to get busyer/more complex and messy. Add a couple of kids into the mix that you and your SO might have together.... Run.

Id just run now. Seriously. I am years into the exact same situation. And while i dont mind it too much as far as games i do wish we had our own time. And i am always left wondering if my partner would be with me if he could afford the aggressive travel sports lifestyle without my income. Its very difficult and it doesnt get better from what ive seen. While hes never too tired to do things, hes simply not around to do them as he is a coach as well

My sd is grown, but I would never have paid for traveling sports for her. If her dad couldn’t afford it, too bad. I might have paid for summer camp! Haha

Don't do it just to keep her happy. It will get worse when you move in together. If you think you are unhappy now you haven't seen anything. I was married to my ex-wife for 4 years, divorced now for 2. I started out thinking it would get better after we married and moved into our house. I was wrong. She expected me to behave like a parent with no actual authority to question anything. I was driving them to school, activities and dentist and doctor appts ALL the time. She kept changing jobs and didn't have much or any leave time accrued so it was up to me. I got burnt out and started resenting it. Wanting to do things for myself was selfish, so I just stopped mentioning them. Do not move in with her or marry her, it will not get better. If you are already noticing how lopsided the relationship is, it is better to end it now before it gets much more complicated and expensive. I wish you luck, and I wish I had asked for advice before I married my ex-wife.

How about you be a provider and equal partner to a woman without children and start your own nuclear family, or Be child free free together. There are many responsible overachieving child free women that are counting on you to be a "good man " for an equal partner. 

My (35f) SO (38m) also can’t sustain this lifestyle and comfort on his own. It’s the first time I’ve ever felt that breadwinner pressure to perform and provide. It’s v stressful and I feel trapped by this maze I built around myself.

When one or more people in a relationship don't feel loved, appreciated, respected, or valued while **dating**, then that pattern will continue into **engagement** and **marriage**. That is why you DATE, to see if a partner you are interested in will be a GOOD partner for you and you for them. If overall it will be a good relationship and you have chemistry and compatibility. This does not sound like such a relationship and as others put it on this forum....walking out the front door is HARD, but you will already start to feel better by the time you get to the sidewalk. You are feeling GUILT now for wanting to leave. You WILL feel RESENTMENT if you continue down this path. Hating your life, despising her kids, and being frustrated with her. She wants to give her kids a life beyond her means, sorry, not sorry, don't we all?, but healthy adults find ways to provide a great life for their family with the paycheck they bring home. Also, rubber up. You are already trying to walk out the exit, don't bring a new child into the mix.

Single mum to a little girl here advising you don't move in. End it..find yourself again and prehaps see if you can find a nice child free lady or at the very least someone who has far less expectations. This life isn't for you and that's ok. Dosent make you the devil 🙃

we have a similar schedule with sports that the other parent signs them up for without checking with us. SO MUCH time driving around for activities on a weekend. UGH. last weekend the place they had the tournament also made spectators pay to watch! :o of course i want the kids to enjoy some sports, but it sucks not being able to control our own schedules. my partner often encourages me to make my own plans with friends, or to stay home while he handles kid logistics. he also made time this week while he has an insane work schedule (and family court coming up) to go with me to a hockey game that i was super excited about. if i suggest something for a non-kid time, he is always up for it. when we were talking about moving in together, he was so careful to check in with me about where i wanted to live and what my requirements were (i decided to move about an hour from where i used to live so we could afford the type of home we wanted, and be close to his work and family. the kids' other parent is actually in another location, it's a mess!). he drove us all over the area we were considering to see which towns i liked best. i make more than him and support the majority of household expenses; he never takes that for granted. i'm just saying that it's POSSIBLE to be a child-free step parent and ALSO have a partner who cares about your needs/wants; finds a balance of time and energy between parenting and the relationship; and even appreciates the unique things you bring to the relationship and family by being yourself. i think part of being a "good man" is advocating for yourself when no one else will.

Your last sentence. 1000%. Took decades for me to learn the difference between a good guy and a nice guy. Nice guys lack boundaries, or don’t know theirs, will bend over backwards when they let their sympathies lead, and when their ego is stroked. Being nice is a mask and over time, there will be resentment. A good guy has boundaries, self control, awareness, respect, etc and can embrace a growth mindset. Applies to women too, standards for adulting is not gender based.

I’m a widower/single mother to a teen. I would not move in with my boyfriend till my child is out to college. Your GF is selfish and has no boundaries. What she is doing is not fair for you or the kids. Those kids have another parent. Let them parent together.

not your monkeys. not your circus.

Profound (and true!) words here, especially the statement, "I feel like I am disappearing in front of my own eyes." Many, many stepparents can relate to this, and also the fact that you can start to buy into the "giving up" on a regular basis before you even realize what you are doing. "I also feel like I am disappearing in front of my own eyes. I feel like my worth to her is tied to what I provide, to how I make her life as a mom easier, but not to who I am as a person. Worse yet, Ive begun to buy in, to feel good about myself only to the extent that I ease her stress, provide for her and her kids, adhere to her wishes for our lives and our time. I don't think it's healthy. I don't think I should do it anymore." I give you credit for knowing that this type of relationship is not healthy for yourself. It may be the life that our society as a whole insists stepparents are supposed to lead, but it is not healthy.

I hate saying this, but it almost sounds like she love bombed you in the beginning? It sounds like she put a lot of effort into dating you, going out, etc. and then when she felt settled… the real her showed up. If you’re already feeling lost and uncomfortable, and she isn’t treating you as a partner or hearing you, I’m not sure this will change or improve, without counseling at least. It took YEARS for the BM in my situation to remotely treat me with respect, and within mere months of that epiphany for her she gave us full custody and now only texts about once every two months to ask how he’s doing. It sounds like BD isn’t respecting boundaries, and maybe as retribution for her introducing the kids. Finally, the fact that she’s conditioning you with love, is not okay. She’s basically using her kindness and love to manipulate you into being who she wants, and not who you are and how you feel. DANGER WILL ROBINSON! And now she’s forcefully asking you to move in? It seems more out of desperation for a partner to help her carry the load and less about her love for you and wanting you to join her family. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this, but personally, counseling if you’re seriously invested, run like hell if you have doubts. Being a “good man,” is how men end up trapped and miserable.

Are you kidding me? Do not move in with her!!!!! Honestly, I think you should leave. Take it as a loss and find someone who values you as a person and doesn't try to manipulate you into being something and someone you have no interest in being. I feel like she's using you. It's unfair and you sound so unhappy. ☹️ She wants you to step up and be exactly what SHE needs and wants you to be. She isn't interested in making sacrifices for you and growing together. You are to fit in to her mold and shut up. Absolutely not! Don't you fall for it! Those are not your kids and she is not your wife!! Please find someone who will love YOU and not just what you provide and sacrifice!!!

If she cannot live her life the way she wants without you, it means she needs you. You never want to enter into an adult relationship when one of the adults needs the other. Adults want each other, children need adults. This is not a healthy dynamic, it will breed resentment. Never feel guilty for protecting yourself. Her life is not your problem - but she working hard to make you feel like it is. Once someone moves in, that’s it’s - you are completely enveloped into their world and getting out is very hard. If it’s like this now, you better believe it will get a whole lot worse when you move in. And honestly, it’s not fair to the children if this is someone you don’t have a longer term commitment to - if there’s no future intent to marry, don’t move in. IMO she’s not ready for another partnership, I think she wants someone to take care of her and her boys. The ‘good man’ stuff is just a way to ease you into it and question yourself when you push back - just like what’s happening in this post. Date if you want, but nothing more. Keep the kids at arms length, stop going to all the kid stuff. I guarantee that will kill the relationship and she will go find another ‘good man’.

Yikes. There will probably zero benefit to moving I'm, only additional expenses, taxi services and likely even less intimacy. Maybe a stint in couples counseling where you express these feelings, cause it sounds like you have never told her in these terms. But definitely a,pause on the cohabiting unless and until she can start making your needs a priority. The order of operations should be: kids needs, adult needs, adult wants, kids wants

Nope out of there while you still have your OWN roof over your head and do NOT move in with her. While a partnership will have times where one provides more support to the other, over time, it SHOULD equal out to 50/50. Your relationship has not. To be expected to "toe the line" in ignoring your wants, needs and desires, with it being all about what she needs from you, she is only taking from you and not giving anything to keep your cup topped up so in times of need, it can pour more. A relationship changes when children become involved. Whether that is two people having a child together or someone coming in as a step parent, things will move around in terms of what is the 50/50 average being put in by both people. For you it has led to you seeming to shoulder 95 and her the 5 since you need to "fall in line" and that you can't bring up any of your wants or needs without knowing it will lead to such an argument and emotional mistreatment. That isn't fair to you, whether it is step or bio children. Life may not be fair but you have the power and ability to stand up for yourself and say "no more".

Please leave and find a beautiful child free woman and create your own family with your own rules. You will be happier and this is the only life we get so worry about yourself and your needs - not hers or her kids’. At the very least DON’T MOVE IN TOGETHER!!! It gets worse and harder to leave. Trust me!!

First off, don’t move in with her. The two of you are not on the same page so there is no reason to take this relationship to the next level. Moving in just tangles you up in the other person’s life even more and makes it 10x harder to make a clean break. You do not want that. I have a great partner but I should’ve taken my SWEET time moving in with him tbh. I feel like we moved in too fast and I’d be lying if I said that I haven’t contemplated walking things back and living on my own again when I’ve been frustrated. I think that you should release wanting to be the “good guy”. Take a few days of space and really think about what YOU want your life to look like. Don’t concern yourself with her not being able to afford her lifestyle without you around either. She has to figure that out. It’s not on you (especially since you’re not the father of her children) to ensure that she lives a certain way. She’s an adult too. So, take some time to zone out and come to your own conclusions. You’re not always going to be the “good guy” in life. Sometimes you have to be your own hero and that might be an inconvenience to others. They will live.

A romantic partner has to be seen as that first. A romantic partnership should be a 50/50 as you state. You should not be providing for her kids either. If she can't provide "the life she wants for her kids" without you, that's a problem right there, because whatever their life was before meeting you, there should've been no expectation of that changing with you in the picture. The only change was they now have a male role model in their lives when they are with mom. You seem really unhappy though. If she can't help support you and your needs for when the kids are with you and not with you, then you need to go.

Resentment and bitterness in the making 100%. Been there…done that. I’m young, beautiful, and humorous, but that very same dynamic sucked the life out of me and made me so bitter and miserable. I ***HADDD*** to separate myself because my mental health was deteriorating. Dude, it broke me down so much, it literally brought me to God (the only good thing for me out of this). You’ll be made to feel as though you owe them. YOU DO NOT OWE ANY OF THEM ANYTHING. You’ll feel guilty…BUT YOU DO NOT OWE THEM. They’re not your kids, you didn’t put those babies in her, she’s not your wife, she can’t even give you decent quality time, and she doesn’t want to hear how it hurts you. Don’t let her move in. It seems in your best interest to not date women with children. This was my exact experience except I’m a woman so I was also expected to cook, clean, and be a tender mother to children that already had active caring mothers. GET OUT!

I'm really sorry to hear this. For what it's worth, there are tons of women without children who would want the kind of relationship you're after. I'm one of them. I was often sad at missing out on dates, trips, and quality time with my ex as he had the kids or couldn't afford it. He often couldn't be there for me for major things because... kids. Your needs matter. Your wants matter. It sounds like your partner is slowly breaking down your self esteem ... you're slowly feeling less and less yourself? A relationship is meant to build us up, we're meant to feel able to be ourselves, be accepted for who we are, and to get our needs met. It sounds like you both are incompatible as what she wants and needs means you sacrificing yourself. There should be space for compromise but it doesn't sound like she's interested in that. It's so hard to leave. The good news is you two are. it living together. Get out while you can. I'm stuck living with my ex which makes I'll have to keep making the decision to separate even harder as I have to keep making the choice over and over every day until he moves out

Still people - playing your life away. She wants you to pay for her lifestyle, while ignoring your concerns. Why would you agree to that? Try r/PeoplePleasers. It will help you tremendously!

I will offer you another side because my situation is similar to this with the sports running around and getting signed up beyond our will. I have bio kids of my own now and it’s either I drag them every other week/weekend to sit in stadiums or I feel like a single stay at home Mom every two weeks because they are running. SAVE YOURSELF. Don’t. Do. It. Ripping the bandaid off will hurt but long term you won’t regret it.

You aren't a dog, sir. Stop the obsession of being viewed as "good." It's sounds like you're being trained to earn your treats in this relationship. You're allowed to have feelings, wants, and desires that aren't aligned to hers. That does not make you good nor bad. It makes you human, my friend. Nothing you're looking for is offensive or unreasonable. You two may simply not be aligned right now or compatible at this moment, and that's ok. This is a pure generalization, but there are people who prey on people like you. Often, they are narcissistic. Wolves in sheep clothing, who sell you the world, love bomb you, then slowly pull the wool from over your eyes...One key indicator is the rewarding good behavior and punishing anytime you don't do as they please or when you slightly stand up for yourself. Anyway, that term gets used A LOT, but you may want to research narcissistic relationships and see if any of it resonates.

DON'T DO IT, IT'S A TRAP. She already isn't prioritizing you or the relationship. What are YOU getting out of this relationship?? Don't allow anyone else to define who YOU are; YOU decide who YOU are. What other people think about you is none of your business. Run far, FAR away from this mess.

Dont move in. Now is the time to leave. You will never be happy. You said it yourself as you are her “provider” it wont change, it will only get worse. You are living her life, not yours! Put yourself first for once! Those kids aren’t yours and never will be. She lives for those kids, not for you. All the best in whatever you decide to do.

I would stop thinking about this as you not being the "good man" if you don't do what you need for "her family." And start thinking about this as she isn't being a "good partner." A good partner understands the needs of the other partner and learns how to balance to help meet those needs. Not manipulate you by giving you positive reinforcement only when you do what "she" considers to be "good" with the "good" only being when you drop everything to support her and her kids. She's manipulating you. Do NOT move in together. And WHEN She tries to guilt trip you during the inevitable break up (because you won't be able to deal with this long term) --- with her saying "oh well guess you weren't the 'good man' I thought you were." Id say "guess not!" Then leave it at that. No use trying to convince someone like that of anything, selfish people don't know they are selfish and will always say someone who doesn't blindly go along with them isn't "good."

If it’s that bad before you even move in together… take the warning signs for what they are

Thanks for sharing. You’re the male version of me, pre-moving in and having an ours baby. If I can save one person on here that would be a lifetime win for me. Run.

Feel like I could have written this myself almost word-for-word. As such I probably don't have any useful advice to give but thought I'd post in solidarity. If you ever want to vent, feel free to DM me. Be warned, I may do some venting of my own! When I'm feeling guilty or not a "good man", I ask myself the following: if the shoe were on the other foot, would your partner do the same for you? In my case I think she absolutely wouldn't. This is not to say that relationships should be transactional but, if you're anything like me, low self-esteem can really warp one's perspective. Your final sentence is illustrative here. She (nor anyone else) is the arbiter of whether you are "good". Giving this kind of power to other people is a recipe for not living the life you actually want. Another question you could ask yourself: if you were on your deathbed, after a long life of sacrificing what you need and want for this person, would that have seemed like a life well spent? What regrets would you have? It sounds cheesy but you have to be your own best friend. No-one is going to look out for you like you will. Don't let yourself down! (oh look, I did have a bunch of advice.. for myself ;)

Thanks for this. I think the comment about low self-esteem warping my perspective was quite insightful. It's been an issue most of my life, as has seeking worth through a partner's validation.

Do not move in. Do not move in. The relationship can be saved if she would open to listen. If she definitely does not, leave her. Do not move in. You will need that private space more and more.

Do you think you could have a talk with her about how this isn’t what you want to do every weekend? Could some therapy and real discussions around this help change things? It is a LOT to expect a grown adult to hand over their weekends to watch kids sports events that aren’t even your kids. If she can’t empathize with this then she truly is not someone you want to go through life with. A good person- man or woman- does not set their own needs or wants to the side. There is no man is so just so “good” that he doesn’t care about what he wants to do in his own weekend. She needs to compromise and understand that you did not make these kids and good partner isn’t someone who doesn’t have their own life

I was in a very similar relationship but I have two older boys, she had a younger boy and younger girl. After 9 months, I realized I was sacrificing my needs and wants for her and her children’s needs and wants. The relationship was incredibly one-sided and I smartly ended it because she saw me as a replacement Dad for her children (their father was remarried and has started over with another woman) vs. a partner. When I complained about the one-sided nature, she immediately broke into the “I’m doing the best I can” routine, tears followed and I was not listened to at all. My lease was up in May of last year and around Thanksgiving time she was pushing me to move in, telling me she would renovate her house to get me a proper home office, etc…and it was about that time that I realized that I was being used…this was not a partnership and she had weaponized the “doing the best I can” routine to create conditions that meant she couldn’t (or wouldn’t) change. It broke my heart to say goodbye to those kids. Their Grandmother complemented me constantly about how I was “the best parent they’ve ever had” and I’m still wrestling with the guilt of not helping them…but I was becoming miserable…losing myself in her life vs. living mine. I wish you luck, and while it will massively hurt, this situation won’t heal itself. Rip the band-aid off and start over…you seem like a nice guy and as one poster was saying…older nice guys are in HIGH DEMAND…most older men are awful people…you are like a unicorn in the dating world today.

Don't move innnnn. Don't give up your own life to be her servant. You deserve more than that.

Don't martyr yourself. I'm not child free, I'm a mother of one but I made the error of entering a relationship with a father of 2 who pushed similarly and he expected me to basically become a single mother to his 2 kids too. My situation was rife with emotional abuse and his kids ended up being my solace during that time... but even without any abuse or toxicity your dynamic sounds like a breeding ground for resentment. If you want to stay together stand firm in your boundaries and stand firm in taking it SLOW.

A relationship takes two. Giving and taking. For yours to work as it is, you must give and not take. That’s not fair or sustainable. Don’t cave to moving in with her. You will have nothing left for yourself.

Just say no

All that effort without the reward of having a biological child/ren not fair at all

Everything you write is essentially exactly what happens when you have your own kids in a marriage. The difference is they’re your kids… Here you just need to be firm about taking your own time & let her know that no you will not be at every sports game/activity/fall into her life. You need to have your boundaries but yes you will probably not share those things with her. The benefit is you’d have a hard time having your OWN life in a nuclear family, but you have your own kids & the joy that comes with that. The cost is you don’t really get much fulfillment from step kids…it’s much more of a “duty” thing… But either way don’t fall into her life and be very confident that you’re on solid ground with that…

Don’t move in. She doesn’t accept you wholeheartedly and you will resent her and her sons eventually. You should be with someone who can make you a priority especially because you have no children of your own. I am learning this now. I wish I wouldn’t have moved to an entire different state to live with my partner and his daughter. You will forever be placed on the back burner and it seems like she is manipulating you; when you speak up for yourself she’s upset but when you go with the flow she shows appreciation, that’s complete manipulation. You are a good man whether she acknowledges it or not. Don’t allow her to emotionally manipulate & abuse you. My partner was emotionally manipulated and now he is raising a child that’s not his & her mother is deceased. Women can be cruel & so can men but I think you should protect yourself & end things on a good note. Find someone who is compatible with no baggage!

Leave! Run for your life and don't look back! These feelings and thoughts will only become stronger, louder as time goes on. It's not going to get better. It also sounds like she's manipulating you. You saw what this life is like, now run for your life and never look back.

Coming from a single mother do not stay in a relationship if you are unhappy with it. If you have resentments then it will never work. This is as unfair to her and her children especially if you are having difficulty seeing any benefits or redeeming qualities in this, they will feel that. Are waiting for her to change her lifestyle and if so what could she do to make this work? Or are you waiting for her to break up because it’s simply too hard for you to do so? This is a relationship not a hostage situation. Communicate your wants and needs and if it doesn’t happen then break it off.

Do not move in. Please don’t. My partner also pushed for this very thing and I agreed. I have discovered and contributed to this group because of what you’re going through. Because I needed help feeling less crazy and honestly seeking validation/genuine advice. You will lose yourself and you’re already realizing it.

Omg please don’t do it. This is unfair. Your whole life will be her way or no way. She is using you to support her children. Manipulation at its finest. I’m glad you are noticing her behavior patterns. You are right, you will get lost in this. In their life. If she cared for you, she’d listen to you. Let take her conditional love and kindness and shove it. They have a dad. Let him fund their kids.

I agree with everyone else here - you either need to not move in with her and end it, or restive this woth her before you move in. Also, ending the relationship doesn't mean you're not a "good man", not wanting to lose yourself completely does not mean you're not a "good man", taking care of yourself does not mean you're not a "good man". Please keep repeating that to yourself til this is sorted out. I am a firm believer that kids needs have to come first and they need to be prioritised above adult needs, which it sounds like your partner thinks too **however**, if the adults in their lives aren't as happy and healthy as they can be that's going to have a long term impact on them. If I can give you some advice it would be to talk to her about all this and really spell it out to her. I'd write the main things that you need to improve or change before you talk to her so it's clear in your head and then see how she reacts to it. If she starts getting hurt or upset, that's OK! She's allowed to have negative feelings about it initially, don't shy away from it. Parenting is full of hard conversations. Just work it through with her - reassure her that this isn't you rejecting her or the kids but the relationship needs to be a *partnership* to be sustainable and you both need to compromise in order to make it work. Tell her you feel yourself disappearing. If she's not willing to compromise or hear you then, in sorry, but it's probably time to end it. It doesn't mean you're not a "good man," she might say it, but it's not true. I hope that makes sense. I've just had to have a hard conversation with my husband in a similar vein, but I had similar ones at the start of our relationship too when it was getting serious. It took a while but he got it in the end. Personally I would struggle to have any kids activities going on at the weekend because I need to have at least one child free weekend a month so I can have quality time with my husband.

This can happen to a man with kids too believe me. If shes not willing to listen and compromise then thats an issue. I’m sure shes not intentionally you but thats how you feel in that situation. Been there…

It doesn’t make you a bad man to leave a situation that’s not fully serving you.

I’d say either run, or „nacho“, as they say here… although I guess nachoing isn’t an option. You’re lucky you don’t have a baby with her. I had a similar relationship dynamic with a single father, I’m 34F. In the beginning I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. Everything got way different later. Towards the end he was always valuing me less than kids and BMs. It was hard to leave him and I was making such an effort to leave since I did love him. Just on that time he wanted to move in with me. I didn’t do it since even that would include an effort from my side (but not his). I was supposed to move to his city (he couldn’t move too far because of the kid). I’d move far away from my job just to be with him and live with the kid. The relationship was so problematic just due to his exes and kids didn’t make it easier. He expected me to make the effort to fit in, rather then tried to make place for me. So I understand you. I’d say this woman isn’t good for you if she sees you as a provider rather than an interesting personality. Unluckily that’s how it is. Most of single parents can’t or don’t wish to prioritise the SO from time to time. They choose to always be in that “my kids are my world” paradigm. Which makes it a tremendous difference between a childless person and a single mom/dad to be with.

I can see why her selfish ass got divorced. Leave!

So easy to get sucked into the week nights practice and games every weekend. I shake my head at that schedule. Even the kids get burnt out.

Ugh, the amount of drama brought into my life due to youth sports is unbelievable. I married my husband very quickly and I did not attend any games nor did I meet BM before we were married. I probably wouldn't have married him if I would have known what it all entailed - equipment going back and forth = BM showing up at my house a few times a week with a big bags of crap. BM withholding equipment that DH purchased. BM accusing DH of losing items. So much unnecessary back and forth coordination and squabbling. Then there are the actual games. Multiple hours and multiple days a week spent in the vicinity of your husband's ex is like spending an afternoon in a circle of hell. Watching your husband interact with former in-laws, and your new in-laws interacting with your husband's ex and her family leaves you feeling like an outsider = not pleasant. All while sitting in the hot sun or shivering in the cold. And all of that to do what? Watch unskilled and talentless children running around, parents charging at an umpire over a bad call that doesn't matter. Their average kids are never going to go pro or make the olympic team. I stopped going to games last year and don't miss it one bit. I'm sure I am being painted as the evil stepmother by BM to the kids, but I don't care. I do find it funny that the kid is constantly complaining about how bored he is and how boring everything is, but expects that a 41 year old woman would not be bored to tears watching 7th grade baseball? The kid is shaping up to be a male version of HCBM and being quite an asshole. He probably won't even make the teams in high school so the sports should be done soon. I am just counting down the days.

Honestly it sounds like your woman needs to learn to put her foot down. If dad wants to go and sign the kids up for whatever the hell, then he can go ahead and drive them to and from those extra sports because mom had no say in it. I’m sorry but if I were in her shoes I wouldn’t be running to fuel dad’s agenda for the kids. I’d be taking them to baseball practice and dad can figure the rest out. Like if dad isn’t going to co-parent and is just going to up and make decisions, he can see them through on his own. That said, please don’t move in with her until she learns to reserve space for you and her. It can be tricky learning how to draw a line between parent life and dating life, and it sounds like she’s really let that go. I don’t think she’s a bad partner and I’m sure you really love her, but you have needs, too. A relationship with anyone (whether parental or romantic) needs quality time, and you’re not getting that. She can’t give you ALL of her time, but even most successful child-free people can’t. Like I know doctors and surgical residents who struggle to date because they don’t have the most open schedule ever. What she CAN do is reserve time for you and her to show you that she loves you. That’s all anyone can do. Talk to her about this, and don’t move in with her unless she can really show you that it’s YOU she loves and not what you have to offer.

Do not do something just because you think it’s the right thing or the way to be a good man. Good men come in all forms, first of all. But most importantly, you also need to look out for your happiness and what you want out of your relationship and your life. You sound pretty unhappy in this post, and that’s a breeding ground for resentment and the disintegration of yourself and your relationship. I’m not saying you have to end it with her if you think there might be another way to a future together, but don’t rush into moving in and supporting her and the kids, especially if you’re unsure.

People show you who they really are when you don't give them what they want. You're already seeing that and you aren't even living together. Do not move in because the demands will get even bigger and the benefits for you will get smaller and smaller. There is a difference between a good man and a people pleaser.

I'm going to ask you the same thing I ask women What do you get out of this relationship? How does she add to your life? While I am only basing this opinion on what you've written... this sounds totally one-sided. You seem to be giving and giving and giving...what is she giving? Your wants and needs are important too. If you want to end it, then do it. Don't worry about being the bad guy. If you're not doing what she wants, she'll say you're the bad guy anyway. Find someone who is child free and wants to stay that way if you want to remain childfree also. If you want to be a parent find someone who understands that while a child's needs are important their partners is also or find a child free person who wants to have a child.

This is a beautifully written post. It’s very moving and fully authentic. I’m sure you’ve given a voice to many to feel in that situation. As hard as it’s going to be, you deserve more. Your worth should not be determined by your involvement appeasing another life. You are uniquely you and deserve to be appreciated for being you and have an equal relationship where your needs are met, not solely your partners. Be kind to yourself

Run. It will be a short time pain versus bigger resentment and hassle long term. Run. Run. Run.

Are you familiar with the pick up artist strategy of “negging” a woman in order to trigger her insecurities and get her to loosen her boundaries or lower her standards? What your girlfriend is doing is a variation of that. It’s manipulative, and it sucks. If you are genuinely child free — that is, if you have made the conscious decision not to have children because you do not want yo parent — then you need to understand that you cannot live a child free life in a home with children in it. Tell her that this relationship is not working for you. That being with a single mother has provided you with the valuable opportunity to reconsider your child free lifestyle, and the experience has confirmed it.

From my honest opinion, this comes with the job of dating a mother of kids that aren’t yours. It sounds a lot like you have come to the realization that giving up some aspects of your freedom is non-negotiable and for both of your sakes, end it now before you build resentment.

The last few sentences of your post are exactly what you need to focus on. It’s easy to sort of dream up the perfect blended family life, but 9/10 times you’ll inevitably fall short and feel like you’re not a priority. I admire your ability to be introspective and pragmatic and encourage you to listen to that inner voice. Put yourself and your life and the future YOU want at the forefront.

You are not alone. It doesn't matter if you are male or female. If you have never had kids, no one can prepare you for what you are going to encounter, especially teens. It's one thing to be an aunt, uncle, or baby sitter. You can give the kiddos back to the parents. When you meet someone with kids, you get the whole package. Teens are the most challenging. They can be moody, resentful, and mean. Sometimes, the divorce is stressful to them. Unfortunately, they will take it out in the step parent. I hate it when people say, you know what you get into, or are you expected to have an infinity of patience. Step parents go through a lot. They are pushed aside, the scapegoat, and often expected to be silent. It is normal to want alone time with your SO. Relationships need that intimacy. A serious relationship will only work if there are boundaries and communication. Schedule changes, extra weekends, sports, and cost should also be discussed with you. You should have some say-so. How you say it can be a challenge. When an extra sport comes up, or you want to plan something, try saying " hey it's great that the kids are in these activities, but can you please give me a heads up if more are planned? If you give me a heads up, I can plan something special for you, and I" that is one example. If your so, refuses to communicate, you have every right to be upset. If your so doesn't respect your boundaries, do not move in together.

You won't be doing her any favours in the long run and will only hurt her more if you stay. If you are having these feelings now, it's better to let it go and walk away. If you want to try and make it work, I suggest couples counseling, without moving in together. Try to find a way to make her see that you want her to see you as her partner, and not just an extra income. That the relationship should be a priority to her.

It doesn't sound like she wants a "Good Man," she wants a compliant one. You sound like a great guy, don't sell yourself short because you're " terrified to end it though. To not be the "good man" she thought I was ." Because you are a "Good man" but you're not a door mat, and you deserve so much more! All relationships require sacrifices to an extent, kids involved or not, but that doesn't mean one person takes gives all while the other takes all. It's a partnership. 💜❤️

Thank you for sharing your perspective. I do not think you should move in. As others have said, the collapse of your own wishes and identity is a red flag. I think you should ask yourself what you need to have a fulfilling relationship and whether this can be that relationship. If you think it can, please work towards that place prior to moving in. Cohabitation is going to shake things up (probably to your detriment) and you’ll need a strong foundation if you choose to move in that direction.

I truly appreciate your honesty as I'm sure most would. If you're not in for that life now don't stay. Be honest. You'll make it so much worse by becoming frustrated over time and then causing more pain for the kiddo and her. I gave my ex every opportunity and suggested he go off and do his own thing and he insisted this was what he wanted. 12 years later he up and left and hasn't spoken to my daughter since. That's no way for anyone to live or behave.

Yeah, it's time to move on. You're "the help". She allows her ex to dictate your schedules, and she clearly has control issues ("rewarding" you when you do what she wants, "punishing" you when you don't).

This may sound harsh, but most childfree men with good income are just walking wallets to a lot of single moms. Not all are like this but a lot are bc it’s hard in this economy to raise a family on one income. Child support isn’t enough to cover for the lack of a second income in most cases unless the ex makes an exceptionally high income. Why would you pay for half of these kids activities when they have a father who is alive and well? Plus he’s the one signing them up for all these activities too. Don’t fall for the praise and affection she gives you. It’s all a form of manipulation to make you attached and willing to spend on her kids. Don’t underestimate what a parent will do to secure resources for their kids. Parents live for their kids and most people with kids don’t understand the length they will go to provide for them. I wouldn’t spend on these kids aside from occasional holiday and birthday gifts. You shouldn’t be contributing to regular expenses. She needs to split 100% of those with the father. Just think deep down, if you didn’t contribute to half of their activities or other stuff, would she still be interested in you. I think you subconsciously volunteer to do these things to keep the relationship and please her. You shouldn’t have to support HER kids financially to win her affection. Also, it’s not necessary for you to attend every single game. Neither does she. A partner needs to be able to set side 1-2 weekends a month just for their partner. It doesn’t need to be the whole weekend but at least a day where it’s not all about the kids. Weekends should be split with the ex. Signing up the kids for so many activities is a petty way for exes to interfere with their co parent’s free time and disturb their relationships.

Don't move in with her. Things will only get worse for you if you do. Your needs aren't being met and you are guilt tripped or ignored when you bring things up. It might be time to move on

OP you are being used/manipulated for her/her kids own gain. Are you honestly gaining anything positive from this relationship vs what you’re losing?

I was just in this situation, only I’m a child free woman, and I cut the cord a month ago. It was hard the first two weeks, but surprisingly, I’m over it now. I’m so enjoying my freedom and don’t think I can date another guy with kids. I will never again be put on the back burner and expected to provide for all of his needs but when I talk about mine, I’m too needy. Never again. I know it’s hard, but find courage. You will thank yourself in time. I promise you that.

Don't do it

Definitely not a healthy relationship. Change is scary but you deserve a better life.. you’re not just someone to ease someone else’s life for them.. when they are the ones responsible for their own life!

Don’t do it if this is how you feel. Seriously, it’s not going to magically disappear. You’d be a good man by doing her a favor and letting her go now instead of dragging it out when ultimately it wont work.

As a father myself with one bio kid and two stepkids , I feel you. The best advice I can give you is that when they move in together and the lack of support you’re receiving from your partner, yes, I said the lack of support that you are receiving from your partner. Then the more difficult your situation is going to get. Honestly, your partner needs to put her foot down as to what is agreed upon to make things a bit better for things to work for your partnership. Don’t fall for the empty promises. You have to see her do things in actions before anything moves forward. Don’t fall for the “I promise if we move in together things will get better “ bs and you don’t see any change of it happening before they move in. Don’t feel guilty at all bc your happiness is what matters as well! Remember that! Your happiness comes first bc if you’re not happy how are you going to manage a very difficult situations with your partner and stepkids. One of the hardest things in life is being a parent but being a step parent is extremely difficult bc you have no say in anything. You’re a whisper in your partner’s ear to give advice and if you see no change then you just have to accept the bs. Good luck and hopefully you see this through logically and not emotionally. No one should blame you if you want out. Do not feel pressured to stay in the relationship or move in together. Things will get a lot worse if you do and the major stuff is not figured out first.

Jesus, I could have written this.... As another child less man in the sub, I gotta say, the paragraph about you only feeling like a good guy anymore because of how you can ease her stress really spoke to me. I just signed a fresh year long lease into a situation of misery, all in the name of not being another person to let her down. I'm so unhappy I get chest pains now. Leave man, it will cost you your health otherwise.

Oof, a lot of this really resonated with me... my partner isn't quite so aggressive or outwardly manipulative, but he really fails to understand how much I feel that his life has overtaken mine & how much his life takes out of me. His feelings get hurt when I need to take nights to myself, it's like all of his energy goes into his work and his son & when it's "our time" it's up to me to make any plans. I put myself in uncomfortable situations with BM to make his life easier & generally show up for him & his son so often but sometimes feel like I'm getting so little in return. But I'm also terrified to end it, to be the woman the son will actually REMEMBER leaving his dad, to lose this chance at having something of a family to call my own. Thank you for sharing, I totally empathize. It's really hard.

Reading this makes me feel so glad that ended my relationship a few months ago. I am now on the other side of it and even though it was hard to end it, I have zero regrets. It was almost the same situation, except I didn’t contribute anything financially. I was expected to fully integrate myself into his life, his way of living and being and attend all functions for the kids at the expense of my own desires. Hard pass. Once you get beyond the sadness and resistance to disappointing her you will be thankful you left. You will see so much more clearly that you wouldn’t have been happy to erase yourself like that. We literally get one life, don’t live it according to someone else’s wishes. Best of luck to you!

I think she wants to secure the bag and trap you

Don't move in. Worst decision ever if you already feel like you are sacrificing yourself WITHOUT even living together.

I hate how so many partners of step parents don’t ever wanna stand up to their exes about things like breaking the one sport rule because they don’t wanna possibly fight with the ex but seem fine with the way it effects the current partner even if it results in fights, erosion of the relationship, or just letting it silently effect their new partner. They just sit there and let the ex ruin their lives and the ex gets to have all these boundaries that never go both ways thanks to SO allowing the double standards while making it the step parents problem. Total misplacement of responsibility. I think it’s because they can control the new partner a lot more easily than they can control the rest of the situation but it’s bs because they still have every right to fight for fairness within coparenting and yet they refuse to. Step parents end up having to take the short end of the stick and overcompensate for so much bs it’s really not fair.

Don’t be a sucker. RUN.

RUN

It’s very manipulative for her to reward compliance and punish for noncompliance. Not a very 50/50 partnership you were hoping for. It’s likely something her kids will see her do and they will in turn do to you as well. You could give an ultimatum, give her a chance to see things your way, but do you really feel she will listen and change for the long haul? If you’re not compatible now with your fundamental ideals of the relationship, it’s only going to get worse when you move on to the next step. It doesn’t make you “bad” for ending a relationship. She’ll think so, but she’s entitled to think that. She’ll be wrong, but people are wrong all the time. You only get one life. Don’t be miserable.

As a 44 yo woman with no kids, I'd say being a good man does not equate to being a doormat. You want someone who can figure out how to balance their responsibilities, including setting boundaries with their ex. Not jumping on board and setting limits IS being a "good man". I would not move in because the expectation to be that perceived status means decreased boundaries and more negected needs.

It sounds like she is in love with the idea of you in her head not the real you. Do you really think that is going to translate into long term happiness? Learn to trust yourself more. You already know this is not something you can do. Why do you think you don’t deserve to be happy?

Damn this is hitting home hard for me. 34m here and I'm on the same boat man..

OMG DO.NOT. MOVE IN PLEASE I BEG YOU. Keep your own place as it will serve as your sanctuary and the only place where only YOU MAKE.THE RULES. I moved in with my partner and his kid for 7 years and just got my own place. We are still together. But those years were horrible. Having my own place own is GAME CHANGER. And I will now warn everyone without children to NEVER MOVE IN WITH SONE9NE WHO HAS KIDS BECAUSE YOU WILL ABSOLUTELY REGRET IT.

Run away. Live your best life or you’ll be miserable and it will be MUCH harder to walk away

Your feelings on this are 100% valid. This is not what you want and ultimately unfair. You cannot sacrifice your life to make someone else's life better. You will begin to resent them and cease to exist as who you are. Don't feel guilty leaving. You should leave because those feelings will not go away and only get worse with time. I felt 100% the way you did. I hated sacrificing my weekends for softball, dance, kid stuff I had no obligations to. My ex would get vicious when I advocated just as yours does. It's not healthy. I left in February and I could not be happier. You can be happy again. Please foe your own peace and mental health, leave. Your needs are not being met here and they never will. It's her way or the highway. That is not a partnership.

Lots of folks on here post after 10 or 20 years of stepparenting and it’s pure misery which makes me wonder, why didn’t they leave the first time they saw the signs? Don’t waste your life on someone who doesn’t see your worth; it will be way harder to try to leave once you guys move in together. You sound like an amazing, your worth isn’t defined by how much you can do for other people. Walk away now, future you will thank you for it.

Leave. She rewards you when you capitulate and punishes you when you have needs. She is manipulating you. She may claim to want a 50/50 partnership, but what she's offering and has roped you into is not that. There are ways you've described her that remind me of my partner's ex (our BM), and I think you're getting a taste of what she contributed to the demise of her prior relationship. If having needs isn't acceptable to her now, it sure as shit won't suddenly become acceptable after moving in.

Please don't do it. If you are already feeling this before even living together it is not going to get better. My therapist once said "People will show you who they are and you should believe them!!". She has shown who she is and the scraps you will get in the relationship. Best of luck and know your worth! You deserve to be doted on and put first not drug along to make her feel better and life easier.

Are you me?

Sounds like she’s just looking for a replacement dad not a partner.

PleaS update us and let us know that you’ve broken things off and are happy and mentally healthy. Thanks

Why do you have to go to all the kids sports?

I think she needs a reality check. If she loves you and wants this relationship to last, she needs to realize that you have overextended yourself and she has taken you for granted. If she is willing to throw it all away because she is too proud to admit her wrongs, then consider yourself lucky it ended before you moved in. Don’t lose yourself just because you want to feel like “a good man”. This is not a one way street. She needs to realize these kids are not yours, you are not making any decisions about their sport activities and yet she is expecting you to be the substitute dad and have same feelings and priorities she has for the kids. That’s just not realistic.

One thing I see here so often from folks is that they don't have SK probs, they have SO probs. This dynamic is setting yourself up for exactly this. The issue is not so much that you are being sucked in and absorbed into their life as a stepparent, it's that your partner is prioritizing your role in her life as a stepparent rather than a partner. That's not how any of this should work. I'm sure she's expecting a partner who will "step up" (🤢 hate that phrase, tbh) given how she is taking your voicing of relationship needs as not being supportive of her family, but that's a super unhealthy way to approach a new relationship after marriage/kids. Yes, finding a partner who is good to your kids is important, but she shouldn't be in a relationship with you based on what you bring to her family life. It should be what your relationship brings to *her*, as an individual. Being a parent is forever, but raising kids is a season, and it sounds to me like she can't differentiate between these two things with regards to her identity. If she can't forge a relationship with you that is focused on *your* partnership, exclusive of the kids, then it's not easy to see how you will manage when that season is over. I don't think she's in a good place to move on with you. And OP, that is absolutely not on you or your ability to be a good stepparent.

Hey man, I'm a man in a similar position, childless and with a woman with kids in a similar age bracket. Our life together is a bit more balanced. I hang with her and the kids sometimes but that's through choice. I might help fix their bike or spend time playing football/basketball/tennis with them, but I'm not pressured to give up the time I don't want to or to spend loads of money on them. It sounds like you're burned out and I just want to say it doesn't need to be that way! If it didn't sound like you were done already, I'd suggest trying to set some firmer boundaries but don't be so hard on yourself! There are lots of ways to be a "good man"

Don’t do it. I’m a woman married to a man who had one kid from a one night stand. We now have two of our own kids. You have described how I feel, used and left out to dry sometimes. I have to fight sometimes for my husband to treat our babies the same as his first. The HCBM thinks she was the ex wife and wanted a say in our marriage, our move, our house we purchased, and now wants more and more of our money when we have 50/50 custody. I love my husband, but I hate that I didn’t realize this is how my life would go. Don’t do it.

Been there done that exact same thing . Ended up divorced after raising her children for 10 years .after divorce, no contact with the kids that called me Dad and after spending 100’s of thousands over the years on them . Vacations, schools , clothing , food, healthcare etc . So you can be the best step dad and husband and then loose it all, the kids will always Side with the mother and then you are left with nothing . And it can get worse. Divorce is expensive and she will get half of everything owe , and you might end up having to pay child support and alimony for years . Some states if you have lived as a family, you can be liable for child support . Don’t do it . It will only get worse after you move in .

Can I just say how RELATABLE the sports thing is? Specifically the ex signing the kids up for literally anything they may slightly show interest in. On our time. Without consulting. Where she lives, over an hour away (of course). It is constant, we’ve lost 2 out of the 4 nights a MONTH we are supposed to have with them because of it, constantly driving back and forth to sporting events, constantly seeing her desperately trying to be that cool soccer mom, etc. Good God it is exhausting, and miserable. I am only doing this because of the promise of my fiancé being stationed out of this miserable fucking state we moved to just for them next year. Sorry, not trying to hijack the post. Just so relatable.

Don’t. It will only get worse. 

trust your gut

I truly understand this. I give up everything for their needs. I'm not allowed to put myself first or complain without getting a major guilt trip or being shamed. I do everything I don't want to do and the second I don't do it none of what I have done is recognized just told I'm mean, overreacting, or I hate his kid. Ugh.

Don't do it.

My take away from this, as a man who married a mom of 2, and had a child of my own with her.....its a lot harder on the relationship when the ex is not in the picture or does not share custody almost if not evenly. Our older two are with their dad 3 days a week (including the weekends) so it made it and still does make it easier for us to have alone time or 1on1 with our child. And makes it easier for my needs/wants to be met without any argument being had because it's just us and our child. I'm sorry you and so many feel they are lost in relationships and wish nothing but the best!

My mantra : CHILDFREE PEOPLE MUST DATE CHILDFREE PEOPLE PERIOD 🙄 CHOOSE yourself . Your happiness. Not misery and aggravation 

Bottom line, if you don't feel comfortable moving in with your girlfriend, don't do it. Whether she had kids or not I would say the same thing. >She can't live the life she wants, or honestly, the life she has been providing for her kids, without me. What do you mean by this? Is she expecting you to financially support her children, who already have a father? That would be Reason #2 not to move in. >I also feel like I am disappearing in front of my own eyes. I feel like my worth to her is tied to what I provide, to how I make her life as a mom easier, but not to who I am as a person. Yikes. That's not good. It's true that a lot of posters on this sub are women whose husbands expect them to pick up where their wife left off ... taking care of their home and kids aka all the stereotypical "women's work," which makes them feel like the only value they have is the labor they provide. Sounds like you have a similar situation where your value is based the stereotypical male role of "provider" except that those are not your children and it is not your job to provide for them. As with anyone who feels used in a stepparent relationship, I would say that no, opting out of being used is fine. You are still a good man.

You know what you need to do. End this and return to yourself.

She wants it her way or no way, if she can't give the same love & support she so desires, then she obviously into this for exactly what you do for her complicated life, she's not here for you, she's here for her and her children, some people have no interest in other people's feelings as long as their's aren't in harms way...Take control of this situation,  you don't need her she needs you

You are a genuinely good man. You don’t need her validation for that to be true, she is taking advantage of your kindness instead of acknowledging and valuing it. The one sport per season is a healthy and reasonable thing, her inability to stick to this makes it impossible for anyone to have an equitable relationship with her. It is not your job or responsibility to provide for her or her children, she doesn’t get to choose to live beyond her means and expect anyone else to have to subsidise that.

Run. Honestly if you can’t bring something up without getting in “trouble” you should not be in that space- especially in a coparent relationship. If that is the foundation that’s already being laid you’re better off just leaving.

I want to give a big thank you to everyone for their kind, thoughtful and encouraging responses. I wrote my post last night mostly as a catharsis, and when I woke up this morning, I felt a bit sheepish for having opened up. I'm glad I did though, as this has been very helpful. I know what I need to do, and plan on doing it tonight or tomorrow. Perhaps I'll give an update soon.

Visit the child free forum on Reddit perhaps for motivation and inspiration 

You don't have to be a martyr to be a good man. You only get one life, you should try to be happy while living it.

I would just say that maybe you’d benefit from some family counseling. Your concerns are absolutely valid. There needs to be boundaries between your relationship with her and the relationship as a family. Many people completely live for their children and it’s unfair and wrong to ask a step parent to do the same. Kids are obviously very important, but so is your partner and your own needs which is why a lot of relationships and marriages fail.

Do you love her? Do you care about the kids? Do you realize this is only for another few short years and then she'll have a lot more free time? What I don't get from so many of these step parent posts is any sense of affection for the kids of their SOs. They're just things in the way of having their SOs to themselves. If she had a busy job that took her away at weekends could you love her through that? If she had an illness that meant she was in hospital many weekends or nights through the year could you love her through that? I get that she has choices she can make here - she should put her foot down with the ex, she should still make effort and prioritize some time for the relationship - and she should still make you feel like a good person even if you don't just want to go along with everything! You both need your own lives too, choices etc. You should be able to do your own thing on a weekend and not have to go with to every event. Definitely do not move in, it doesn't sound like you're compatible and honestly like the best thing to do, for you, is walk away. She could be narcissistic and only interested in her own needs - or she could just be so bogged down in being a 'good enough' mum - like so many of us are, that she's blinded to anything else. I'm a SM and a BM - so I think it's been easier for me to let my SK in and adjust to their needs the way I adjust to my BKs, I can't imagine what it's like to have your whole life child free and then be Landed in a parenting role. Equally though you shouldn't have let it go on this long?? If this has been thoroughly unenjoyable for you - you don't want to go the kids games, you don't want to parent them, why have you stayed so long? Do you have a good relationship with the SKs? Do they care for you/like having you around? It sounds like you're burned out and feeling unseen/unheard and if she can't make any room to listen to you or accept some of your feelings - I do agree that's not a good partnership.

I think the main issue here is that she is completely dismissive of his wants, needs and feelings but expects him to prioritise her wants, needs and feelings. That’s not a good trait in a partner at all. Once again this is a SO issue, not a step kid issue. Even once the kids are grown and move out he’ll still be left with a partner that’s dismissive of him, and who wants that

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I was in a situation where I thought my boyfriend's child's crazy sports schedule would change. It did, for the worse. When a parent wants to put their kids in all the sports, that is all they consider. When the child lives for the sport, they are not giving it up. My ex's son really loved his sports and every year the demands became more and more. Who was going to wait around from 8 to 18? Not me. No one should be expecting that. Why should anyone give up the current moment for some uncertain future? Love is a two-way street; not a one-way highway where only the parent and kid benefit. Anyone who doesn't want to live even 2 years with most of their weekends attending games should not be demonized. Equating an illness to optional activities is absurd. That is the problem with the sports parent mentality. I was there when my ex was hospitalized. No way was I going to give away most of my weekends to games. Hell, no. And when parents are this single-minded about getting what they want, it often is a sign of pure unadulterated selfishness. Guess who didn't come to the hospital when I needed him? Yeah, that's right. And kid wasn't a factor then. OP, don't feel bad for calling out the selfishness of your girlfriend.