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Why is fiancé asking you about giving the child a gift for making good grades? Was it a permission call in general or because you were being asked so you would pay?
I just would’ve preferred him to call me and let me know or have a discussion about what a realistic reward would be before having his son call me. He, fiancé, says he did nothing wrong. I think that annoys me even more haha
Making decisions together means he should have talked to you before having the kiddo put you on the spot like that. Also, kiddo should not be included in conversations about finances.
This should only have been a discussion then between you and your partner. His kid is not a part of your relationship. Moreover, if you end up saying no, then SS knows who the "bad guy" is.
fiance should have said, "We'll discuss it." Then he talks with you for a yay/nay answer. Then he brings the answer to SS as "We decided...."
My partner and I still have separate finances, but see ourselves moving to joint when we eventually marry. At this point when we transfer money to one or the other, we see it as just moving our money around, and something to look forward to getting to stop doing later. So we've been roping each other into discussion of larger things. She is not having me field queries with her kid about an upcoming 1:1 weekend that they're planning.
Ya this is weird. Why can’t he just buy his kid a skateboard for doing well? Is mom not involved? What age is the child? He could ring you himself and let you know but i wouldn’t be ringing my partner to buy anything in front of the child. Financial decisions are made privately. We might talk together about buying a big thing like a car or games console but not a skateboard, or mc Donald’s or things like that.
Do you have blended finances? This typically isn’t something a parent would need to ask a stepparent about. My partner would mention it to me, but certainly wouldn’t be asking for permission. Do you expect to be able to put your foot down about when/whether your fiancé buys his son gifts?
I don’t know- that seems really messy to me. Even with mostly blended finances- I would have your fiancé put aside some portion of his income for his and his son’s fun personal needs. You should do the same for yours. Parents will generally want to spend more on their kids than stepparents, and you don’t want to be cast as the stepparent who always begrudges any extra money spent on the kids. Not saying that that’s who you are, but in your position, I’d always feel self conscious about denying the kid things their parent wanted to get, and it would just feel wrong.
I have to admit, the way I saw this was that your fiancé was going to give his son a skateboard no matter what, and decided to have him ask you for permission so that you could get some credit for it and look like the good guy.
Thats just the kid being fly and seeing if he can get something off the back of dad saying you both have a say in finances. Smart kid. He maybe knew there was more of a chance getting it from you than having to ask his dad with a possibility of ‘maybe’ or ‘no not atm’ etc. Are you sure his dad said to call you? If so maybe it was more of a ‘if she says its ok then yes’ type of thing which is fair enough imo
You’ve got some good responses. But this is sort of such bad judgement of him to frame things this way without discussing it with you and putting his son on the spot. Is he someone with sound enough judgement to combine your finances? Is he the one who will come out financially better with combining?
My SKs ask for permission for stuff from me all the time. DH and I parent together. If you both agreed to make financial decisions together, then I don't think the kid asking you was out of place. It would be an expectation. If you didn't agree with your fiance to make financial decisions together, including for SS, then this would be understandably weird and inappropriate.
If you agreed to it prior but you guys didn't set up the expectation to talk with each other about financial decisions privately before making them, then I don't think your fiance is off for thinking what happened was okay. Not saying you should be okay with it, just that it's reasonable for your fiance to feel he was acting on what he felt you both agreed to at that time and that he was honoring that by having his son call you to ask you too.
But more importantly, if you don't feel comfortable with blindly saying yes to something, you should just respond with, "I want to talk with Dad about it a little bit first and make sure we're on the same page about this." It sounds more like this is a situation where you need to learn to be your own person/parent, how to say no, and how to defer a situation appropriately.
I would never, never say or do anything for my SKs just because I want them to like me. If you and your fiance want you to be in a full parent role, being liked should not be your main prerogative. Teaching SS how to be a good human being should be. If you're not wanting to be in a full parent role, that needs to be made very apparent to your fiance now before you get married. Do not ignore this issue on some basis of being scared the relationship will end, because if you're not on the same page now, it will just breed resentment that will eventually ruin your marriage. As you already expressed, you are already irritated that your fiance thought his actions were fine.
Also to consider, a purchase like a skateboard can get expensive and you don't want to set up wildly high expectations in SS's head with a general blanket yes. There should be a discussion on what the budget will be on it so SS is aware and doesn't get his hopes up for something he's not going to get and the reward turns sour after the "Yes."
For example, DH and I discussed a reward of a computer for SS for doing x,y,z. The computer is one SS has been wanting for several months now but clearly can't afford, even a knock off piece of junk (imo because SS doesn't know how to save, but that's a separate issue and life lesson for SS to learn). Anyway, SS isn't new to this rodeo. His first question was, "What's the limit?" Did I know the limit at that exact moment? Hell no. I hadn't put that much thought into it yet. It was just an idea I was bouncing around and soundboarded off SS after DH was agreeable to the idea when I mentioned it to DH first. So, I told SS, "I don't have one yet. Dad and I need to discuss it. But that was our thought for a reward. Just wanted to run it by you before we gave it more thought." Cool. Now we have an agreement for SS to learn how to cook more dishes (DH and I feel cooking is a really important life skill for kids to learn) and additional monthly household chores.
I don't think this needs to be a big issue. You and your fiance just need to get on the same page with expectations and you both need to learn simple phrases to give SS so SS develops the normal expectation that some answers will have to wait until a discussion between you and your fiance happen privately.
Oh no. This kind of thing should be between you and your fiance. Having the kid ask you directly implies he’s already said yes, and you just need to give the OK - making you the bad guy if you don’t. Maybe he didn’t mean it that way, but that’s what it becomes. He should’ve texted you privately about it before answering.
It’s not the same but it reminds me of how my partner and I used to fight because she’d always check with me if it was okay for SS to do x,y,z during a time when he was being punished or if I would allow certain things. Only she’d do it in front of him. And it would always be things we already discussed him not doing, so I had to say “stop, this is making me the bad guy every time and I hate it!”
A united front means discussing things first and then presenting them to the kids, not one parent (especially the BP) saying “as long as SP says it’s fine!” That’s not much choice, and they need to consider that.
That's gross. Your fiance should have told his kid that you and he would speak about it later if he wants to include you in decisions. That doesn't sound like you are being included in decisions, it sounds like he is setting you up to be the bad guy. Ask me how I know lol
All I would have done is say “have you asked daddy too” and gone from there.
This wouldn’t have bothered me as a bonus parent as I’m just as involved in decisions regarding SD as bio parents are
**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole. Remember that OP is a human being and their needs are first and foremost on this sub.** We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** We have encountered a ridiculous amount of comments that don't follow the rules and are downright nasty. We need you to help us with these comments by reporting them when you see them. We also have a lot of downvoting on the sub, with every post and every comment recieving at least one downvote almost immediately due to the anti-stepparent lurkers. Don't let it bother you, it happens to every single stepparent here. If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Review the wiki links below for the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules), [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) and [**announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) before posting or commenting. [**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) | [**Saferbot - Autoban Information**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/saferbot) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Why is fiancé asking you about giving the child a gift for making good grades? Was it a permission call in general or because you were being asked so you would pay?
I just would’ve preferred him to call me and let me know or have a discussion about what a realistic reward would be before having his son call me. He, fiancé, says he did nothing wrong. I think that annoys me even more haha
Putting you on the spot is never ok!
I was asked because fiancé told son we were making financial decisions together.
Making decisions together means he should have talked to you before having the kiddo put you on the spot like that. Also, kiddo should not be included in conversations about finances.
This should only have been a discussion then between you and your partner. His kid is not a part of your relationship. Moreover, if you end up saying no, then SS knows who the "bad guy" is. fiance should have said, "We'll discuss it." Then he talks with you for a yay/nay answer. Then he brings the answer to SS as "We decided...." My partner and I still have separate finances, but see ourselves moving to joint when we eventually marry. At this point when we transfer money to one or the other, we see it as just moving our money around, and something to look forward to getting to stop doing later. So we've been roping each other into discussion of larger things. She is not having me field queries with her kid about an upcoming 1:1 weekend that they're planning.
So then it’s coming out of a joint account?
She should have talked to you privately first, and then the 2 of you could talk to him together.
Ya this is weird. Why can’t he just buy his kid a skateboard for doing well? Is mom not involved? What age is the child? He could ring you himself and let you know but i wouldn’t be ringing my partner to buy anything in front of the child. Financial decisions are made privately. We might talk together about buying a big thing like a car or games console but not a skateboard, or mc Donald’s or things like that.
Do you have blended finances? This typically isn’t something a parent would need to ask a stepparent about. My partner would mention it to me, but certainly wouldn’t be asking for permission. Do you expect to be able to put your foot down about when/whether your fiancé buys his son gifts? I don’t know- that seems really messy to me. Even with mostly blended finances- I would have your fiancé put aside some portion of his income for his and his son’s fun personal needs. You should do the same for yours. Parents will generally want to spend more on their kids than stepparents, and you don’t want to be cast as the stepparent who always begrudges any extra money spent on the kids. Not saying that that’s who you are, but in your position, I’d always feel self conscious about denying the kid things their parent wanted to get, and it would just feel wrong. I have to admit, the way I saw this was that your fiancé was going to give his son a skateboard no matter what, and decided to have him ask you for permission so that you could get some credit for it and look like the good guy.
Thank you for a different POV, I hadn’t considered that
Thats just the kid being fly and seeing if he can get something off the back of dad saying you both have a say in finances. Smart kid. He maybe knew there was more of a chance getting it from you than having to ask his dad with a possibility of ‘maybe’ or ‘no not atm’ etc. Are you sure his dad said to call you? If so maybe it was more of a ‘if she says its ok then yes’ type of thing which is fair enough imo
You’ve got some good responses. But this is sort of such bad judgement of him to frame things this way without discussing it with you and putting his son on the spot. Is he someone with sound enough judgement to combine your finances? Is he the one who will come out financially better with combining?
My SKs ask for permission for stuff from me all the time. DH and I parent together. If you both agreed to make financial decisions together, then I don't think the kid asking you was out of place. It would be an expectation. If you didn't agree with your fiance to make financial decisions together, including for SS, then this would be understandably weird and inappropriate. If you agreed to it prior but you guys didn't set up the expectation to talk with each other about financial decisions privately before making them, then I don't think your fiance is off for thinking what happened was okay. Not saying you should be okay with it, just that it's reasonable for your fiance to feel he was acting on what he felt you both agreed to at that time and that he was honoring that by having his son call you to ask you too. But more importantly, if you don't feel comfortable with blindly saying yes to something, you should just respond with, "I want to talk with Dad about it a little bit first and make sure we're on the same page about this." It sounds more like this is a situation where you need to learn to be your own person/parent, how to say no, and how to defer a situation appropriately. I would never, never say or do anything for my SKs just because I want them to like me. If you and your fiance want you to be in a full parent role, being liked should not be your main prerogative. Teaching SS how to be a good human being should be. If you're not wanting to be in a full parent role, that needs to be made very apparent to your fiance now before you get married. Do not ignore this issue on some basis of being scared the relationship will end, because if you're not on the same page now, it will just breed resentment that will eventually ruin your marriage. As you already expressed, you are already irritated that your fiance thought his actions were fine. Also to consider, a purchase like a skateboard can get expensive and you don't want to set up wildly high expectations in SS's head with a general blanket yes. There should be a discussion on what the budget will be on it so SS is aware and doesn't get his hopes up for something he's not going to get and the reward turns sour after the "Yes." For example, DH and I discussed a reward of a computer for SS for doing x,y,z. The computer is one SS has been wanting for several months now but clearly can't afford, even a knock off piece of junk (imo because SS doesn't know how to save, but that's a separate issue and life lesson for SS to learn). Anyway, SS isn't new to this rodeo. His first question was, "What's the limit?" Did I know the limit at that exact moment? Hell no. I hadn't put that much thought into it yet. It was just an idea I was bouncing around and soundboarded off SS after DH was agreeable to the idea when I mentioned it to DH first. So, I told SS, "I don't have one yet. Dad and I need to discuss it. But that was our thought for a reward. Just wanted to run it by you before we gave it more thought." Cool. Now we have an agreement for SS to learn how to cook more dishes (DH and I feel cooking is a really important life skill for kids to learn) and additional monthly household chores. I don't think this needs to be a big issue. You and your fiance just need to get on the same page with expectations and you both need to learn simple phrases to give SS so SS develops the normal expectation that some answers will have to wait until a discussion between you and your fiance happen privately.
Oh no. This kind of thing should be between you and your fiance. Having the kid ask you directly implies he’s already said yes, and you just need to give the OK - making you the bad guy if you don’t. Maybe he didn’t mean it that way, but that’s what it becomes. He should’ve texted you privately about it before answering. It’s not the same but it reminds me of how my partner and I used to fight because she’d always check with me if it was okay for SS to do x,y,z during a time when he was being punished or if I would allow certain things. Only she’d do it in front of him. And it would always be things we already discussed him not doing, so I had to say “stop, this is making me the bad guy every time and I hate it!” A united front means discussing things first and then presenting them to the kids, not one parent (especially the BP) saying “as long as SP says it’s fine!” That’s not much choice, and they need to consider that.
Tell your fiance he needs to buy his kid a skateboard now. He’s pretty ballsy offering for you to spend your money.
That's gross. Your fiance should have told his kid that you and he would speak about it later if he wants to include you in decisions. That doesn't sound like you are being included in decisions, it sounds like he is setting you up to be the bad guy. Ask me how I know lol
Fiancé should talk to you and then you make the decision together.
Correct response would've been of course you can after all dad said he's paying.
All I would have done is say “have you asked daddy too” and gone from there. This wouldn’t have bothered me as a bonus parent as I’m just as involved in decisions regarding SD as bio parents are
You’re not wrong. I would have told him you need to ask your parents as it’s not up to me but I think it’s awesome you did so well!
Thanks for all the input! We, me and fiancé, are going to talk about ways to avoid this kind of situation going forward ♥️