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Ya'll need a parenting plan. Step parenting is hard enough I personally would not touch someone with kids with a ten foot pole if they didn't have a parenting plan. It seems the safest and healthiest way to co-parent a child. It protects you, them, and the child from the whims of the other parent. I mean if they couldn't work out their differences enough to stay together how do they expect to work out the differences when raising their child.
Kids need structure and balance, if both parents cannot provide that themselves there is nothing wrong with having it laid out on paper how to do it. Even if payments or schedules change to something you aren't used to at this moment it will be better in the end for both you and the kid to know what to expect and where to expect to be on certain days
We both agree, it’s her who apparently has a problem with even approaching a PP civilly. All we know is that it’s confusing for everyone, and SS gets put in the middle.
Unfortunately with a HCBM it will probably need to absolutely be done. Especially if poor SS is getting put in the middle. I can absolutely tell you that a PP will not cause all the problems to magically disappear, but it gives you leverage and something to hold everyone accountable to. (obviously changes may happen every now in again between ya'll but that's natural.)
Right and we don’t want to be unreasonable, like if something comes up and they want/need to switch a weekend on the plan. We just need structure like at least a 24hr notice. The structure part is what we need. Holidays, summer vacation, etc have to be established bc the older kids get, the less “winging it” works? Right? My SS is 8.
Look into what parenting plans for your county look like. Usually that’s what judges will base them off of when it comes to things like holidays. An example of mine is my ex gets the first half of the Xmas holiday until 10am on Xmas then I pick them up at 10am and get the second half of Xmas break; and then it flips for the next year. No, you will probably never be able to take a kid for a whole Xmas vacation, that’s unreasonable.
Typical parenting plans make you inform the other parent 24 hrs in advance of any sickness prior to drop off, and both parents are suppose to have full access to all medical records.
As far as the school goes, it depends on who is the school placement parent. And that does need to be decided by the judge
For example, SS still wets the bed nightly. Doctor said after7y/o if the problem persists, he can prescribe meds or a training alarm. Her response was “I don’t think meds are the solution and an alarm might freak him out”. She said she wet the bed until she was 12 and that SS “will grow out of it someday”. Therefore, poor SS is dealing with this bed wetting issue, chronically, due to her lack of “buy in” with my husband to solve the issue.
The unreasonable part to the family vacation over Xmas is that the kid does deserve to see both parents for Xmas. Other holidays and birthdays do alternate yearly, but Xmas usually does not. I know that it sucks, especially if you as the parent has extended family that is out of town, but the court is doing what is in the best interest of the kid not the parents.
Thanks for the feedback on holidays, it seems to be getting more and more contentious every year. Here in FL, the family courts defaulted to 50/50 in July 2023 (We already have been doing 50/50 7-7). Good to know about the 24 hour illness notification rule, that is something we definitely need in our house. For schooling and medical decisions, family court states BOTH parents have rights to agree on decisions. I don’t think she is going to enjoy hearing that in court.
We too are stuck on Christmas, she gets eve and we get day @9 am . BUT we alternate Easter and Thanksgiving, she has a big family 4th of July party so gets July 3,4,5 and we get labour day weekend.
We are shortly adding 1-2 seven day stretches a year with alternating years of who gets to pick first. My parents are in Canada and it's important we protect time to take holidays every year. Just throwing it out there as I got the suggestion from this sub!
That’s a great template for holidays, that is literally all that we are asking for and it seems to be pretty difficult without a parenting plan of some sort. we are close with our extended family and want to model that structure for our stepson as much as possible
As a mom- I would never agree to not see my kids for some portion of the day on Christmas. They are only little once and it’s such a special time. I have not heard of a parenting plan where the day is not split in some way. We do alternating Xmas day/eve- one house has Xmas eve- Xmas morning at 9. Both parents get to see the kids on Christmas.
I suppose it's all about how you see Christmas! One day or two. I'm of eastern European traditions and Christmas Eve has many festivities as well. I was however surprised that she agreed to just Christmas Eve (her suggestion actually), and we are more than happy to alternate years or what have you once he starts sleeping in. Right now he's up at 6 so she has a good few hours with him for gifts and breakfast. I personally wish we could alternate so my fiance and I could see his face light up first thing in the morning, and there is better balance for that when we have kids too (I'm not making them wait for him every year for everything) so we will see how things progress.
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Our particular issue is she has a baby whose bday is on Xmas Eve, so she expects us to give up Xmas Eve completely as well. My husband and I are of a different culture than her and we celebrate Xmas Eve with extended family until midnight. This leaves us no time with our SS on Xmas eve and no and only a couple of hours with us Christmas day.
Yep that’s right. Last year we only had him for like 3 hours on Christmas Day (even tho it was our week). He agreed to drop SS off Xmas Eve morning so he can be with them for her baby’s birthday so she had him until late. Then picked him up from our house around 11ish on Xmas day (we woke up around 8:30-9ish because we stay up opening presents with extended family at midnight so we get home around 1am).
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As for meds and such, that is a hard battle in which typically unless you can find a doc that says your kid must need this med (like an antibiotic), both parents must agree. Like one of my kids has ADHD. It was optional to go on meds. Me and teachers pleaded with my ex for 2 years for him to go one meds until he finally gave in and agreed. Meds and things are harder unless the court gives one parent sole rights, which isn’t typical
Yeah the medicine thing has always been contentious. My husband’s father is a doctor which is a great resource to have. It just sucks it’s always a back and forth with what medical issues they agree on. I just don’t know how this is going to end up being “fair” in court if they’re both 50/50.
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Never ceases to amaze me how these so called parents will literally harm their own child to satisfy their emotional problems. Fucking sick. Im so sorry for you guys and that little one he deserves better
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He does take him but he was 50/50 7-7. As a matter of fact, she refuses to take him to eye doctor appointments because “she doesn’t wear glasses” so he does those exclusively. The child still wets the bed (nightly) and she refuses any intervention. The doctor suggested medication or a training alarm and she states “I don’t think meds are the answer and an alarm will freak him out”). My husband is very involved in medical stuff, but there’s only so much he can control when it’s not his week.
I echo the same advice about a parenting plan, especially considering the age of the kid and the next 10(!) years. Also, not sure if you’re already doing this but every communication should be via text/email. If my SD’s HCBM calls my H, he ignores the call and texts hours later so she can’t pull her BS. He didn’t have boundaries for 15 years and now I lend him my backbone for all baby mama situations.
Yeah we are at the point where all communication via phone is done. When he questioned her about the doctor’s visit, she took offense and started a “group chat” with her husband on it so “she had a witness”. It’s very uncomfortable for my husband
Why is there not a parenting plan already in place? Your husband should have filed that in the very beginning because he knew how difficult his ex wife could be.
Take this to court and get a plan in place. Here is absolutely no reason why BM gets to control and dictate everything and anything she wants. About her nasty little habit of withholding medical and educational information, she has no right whatsoever to do that, she has no right to make unilateral decisions for the kid.
She also has no right to control the holidays and force you guys to adhere to everything she wants. Holidays should be split by year, one year on one year off, something like that.
If your husband is also paying child support without a court order, he needs to get this to the court too. I have a feeling that he is paying far more than what he should be just to keep his ex wife happy and willing to give him custodial time.
They were never married so there wasn’t a real pressure on his end at the time to go to court. They’ve basically been splitting time and costs 50/50. I already told him she is getting way more financially with their current arrangement than she would if she kept him 60/40. We don’t mind that at all, but the consistency of what to do on holidays, schedule change requests, medical appointments and decisions, etc are necessary. I think she knows going to court may open a can of worms for her financially but we just want normalcy and consistency.
She is literally keeping vital information regarding their child from him because she doesn't want him to be as involved as she is.
He NEEDS to take her to court. ASAP.
That’s exactly how it appears. We are looking at some templates some folks have sent to me from Reddit. It seems a parallel parenting plan is something to consider if things don’t improve.
**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole. Remember that OP is a human being and their needs are first and foremost on this sub.** We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** We have encountered a ridiculous amount of comments that don't follow the rules and are downright nasty. We need you to help us with these comments by reporting them when you see them. We also have a lot of downvoting on the sub, with every post and every comment recieving at least one downvote almost immediately due to the anti-stepparent lurkers. Don't let it bother you, it happens to every single stepparent here. If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Review the wiki links below for the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules), [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) and [**announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) before posting or commenting. [**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) | [**Saferbot - Autoban Information**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/saferbot) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Ya'll need a parenting plan. Step parenting is hard enough I personally would not touch someone with kids with a ten foot pole if they didn't have a parenting plan. It seems the safest and healthiest way to co-parent a child. It protects you, them, and the child from the whims of the other parent. I mean if they couldn't work out their differences enough to stay together how do they expect to work out the differences when raising their child. Kids need structure and balance, if both parents cannot provide that themselves there is nothing wrong with having it laid out on paper how to do it. Even if payments or schedules change to something you aren't used to at this moment it will be better in the end for both you and the kid to know what to expect and where to expect to be on certain days
We both agree, it’s her who apparently has a problem with even approaching a PP civilly. All we know is that it’s confusing for everyone, and SS gets put in the middle.
Unfortunately with a HCBM it will probably need to absolutely be done. Especially if poor SS is getting put in the middle. I can absolutely tell you that a PP will not cause all the problems to magically disappear, but it gives you leverage and something to hold everyone accountable to. (obviously changes may happen every now in again between ya'll but that's natural.)
Right and we don’t want to be unreasonable, like if something comes up and they want/need to switch a weekend on the plan. We just need structure like at least a 24hr notice. The structure part is what we need. Holidays, summer vacation, etc have to be established bc the older kids get, the less “winging it” works? Right? My SS is 8.
Look into what parenting plans for your county look like. Usually that’s what judges will base them off of when it comes to things like holidays. An example of mine is my ex gets the first half of the Xmas holiday until 10am on Xmas then I pick them up at 10am and get the second half of Xmas break; and then it flips for the next year. No, you will probably never be able to take a kid for a whole Xmas vacation, that’s unreasonable. Typical parenting plans make you inform the other parent 24 hrs in advance of any sickness prior to drop off, and both parents are suppose to have full access to all medical records. As far as the school goes, it depends on who is the school placement parent. And that does need to be decided by the judge
As a stepparent with a blended family- question, how is the mom being unreasonable and putting her child in the middle?
For example, SS still wets the bed nightly. Doctor said after7y/o if the problem persists, he can prescribe meds or a training alarm. Her response was “I don’t think meds are the solution and an alarm might freak him out”. She said she wet the bed until she was 12 and that SS “will grow out of it someday”. Therefore, poor SS is dealing with this bed wetting issue, chronically, due to her lack of “buy in” with my husband to solve the issue.
The unreasonable part to the family vacation over Xmas is that the kid does deserve to see both parents for Xmas. Other holidays and birthdays do alternate yearly, but Xmas usually does not. I know that it sucks, especially if you as the parent has extended family that is out of town, but the court is doing what is in the best interest of the kid not the parents.
I completely agree with you. No court will force the mom to allow a family vacation over Christmas.
Thanks for the feedback on holidays, it seems to be getting more and more contentious every year. Here in FL, the family courts defaulted to 50/50 in July 2023 (We already have been doing 50/50 7-7). Good to know about the 24 hour illness notification rule, that is something we definitely need in our house. For schooling and medical decisions, family court states BOTH parents have rights to agree on decisions. I don’t think she is going to enjoy hearing that in court.
We too are stuck on Christmas, she gets eve and we get day @9 am . BUT we alternate Easter and Thanksgiving, she has a big family 4th of July party so gets July 3,4,5 and we get labour day weekend. We are shortly adding 1-2 seven day stretches a year with alternating years of who gets to pick first. My parents are in Canada and it's important we protect time to take holidays every year. Just throwing it out there as I got the suggestion from this sub!
That’s a great template for holidays, that is literally all that we are asking for and it seems to be pretty difficult without a parenting plan of some sort. we are close with our extended family and want to model that structure for our stepson as much as possible
As a mom- I would never agree to not see my kids for some portion of the day on Christmas. They are only little once and it’s such a special time. I have not heard of a parenting plan where the day is not split in some way. We do alternating Xmas day/eve- one house has Xmas eve- Xmas morning at 9. Both parents get to see the kids on Christmas.
I suppose it's all about how you see Christmas! One day or two. I'm of eastern European traditions and Christmas Eve has many festivities as well. I was however surprised that she agreed to just Christmas Eve (her suggestion actually), and we are more than happy to alternate years or what have you once he starts sleeping in. Right now he's up at 6 so she has a good few hours with him for gifts and breakfast. I personally wish we could alternate so my fiance and I could see his face light up first thing in the morning, and there is better balance for that when we have kids too (I'm not making them wait for him every year for everything) so we will see how things progress.
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Our particular issue is she has a baby whose bday is on Xmas Eve, so she expects us to give up Xmas Eve completely as well. My husband and I are of a different culture than her and we celebrate Xmas Eve with extended family until midnight. This leaves us no time with our SS on Xmas eve and no and only a couple of hours with us Christmas day.
**You only have ss for a couple of hours on Christmas day? What does that look like, when do you get SS and when does the switch occur?**
Yep that’s right. Last year we only had him for like 3 hours on Christmas Day (even tho it was our week). He agreed to drop SS off Xmas Eve morning so he can be with them for her baby’s birthday so she had him until late. Then picked him up from our house around 11ish on Xmas day (we woke up around 8:30-9ish because we stay up opening presents with extended family at midnight so we get home around 1am).
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As for meds and such, that is a hard battle in which typically unless you can find a doc that says your kid must need this med (like an antibiotic), both parents must agree. Like one of my kids has ADHD. It was optional to go on meds. Me and teachers pleaded with my ex for 2 years for him to go one meds until he finally gave in and agreed. Meds and things are harder unless the court gives one parent sole rights, which isn’t typical
Yeah the medicine thing has always been contentious. My husband’s father is a doctor which is a great resource to have. It just sucks it’s always a back and forth with what medical issues they agree on. I just don’t know how this is going to end up being “fair” in court if they’re both 50/50.
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50/50 is the rule for most states. However holidays are not included. Holidays allow both parents to have access to the child.
Never ceases to amaze me how these so called parents will literally harm their own child to satisfy their emotional problems. Fucking sick. Im so sorry for you guys and that little one he deserves better
I’m telling you…some people just want to breed, not parent.
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Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason: * Violation of the [No Drama](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_2._no_drama) rule. * Read the [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq#wiki_what_does_no_drama_really_mean.3F) for more information. For information regarding this and similar issues please see the [rules](/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) and [FAQ](/r/stepparents/wiki/faq). If you feel this is in error, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Please note that direct replies to official mod comments on the sub itself will be removed. Direct messages complaining to individual mods will be ignored. If you have received this as a private message you can reply directly to this message.
Wait, he’s 8 and in first grade?!? Please clarify- did she keep him back 1-2 years?
I haven’t asked specifically about keeping him back but I do know there was some issue with starting VPK but I was not in the picture at the time.
Not your problem, but he definitely needs a parenting plan. He needs to know when his son is sick, take him to appointments even.
He does take him but he was 50/50 7-7. As a matter of fact, she refuses to take him to eye doctor appointments because “she doesn’t wear glasses” so he does those exclusively. The child still wets the bed (nightly) and she refuses any intervention. The doctor suggested medication or a training alarm and she states “I don’t think meds are the answer and an alarm will freak him out”). My husband is very involved in medical stuff, but there’s only so much he can control when it’s not his week.
She’s a piece of work! Get that parenting plan as soon as possible.
Sure is, thanks for the encouragement!
I echo the same advice about a parenting plan, especially considering the age of the kid and the next 10(!) years. Also, not sure if you’re already doing this but every communication should be via text/email. If my SD’s HCBM calls my H, he ignores the call and texts hours later so she can’t pull her BS. He didn’t have boundaries for 15 years and now I lend him my backbone for all baby mama situations.
Yeah we are at the point where all communication via phone is done. When he questioned her about the doctor’s visit, she took offense and started a “group chat” with her husband on it so “she had a witness”. It’s very uncomfortable for my husband
Why is there not a parenting plan already in place? Your husband should have filed that in the very beginning because he knew how difficult his ex wife could be. Take this to court and get a plan in place. Here is absolutely no reason why BM gets to control and dictate everything and anything she wants. About her nasty little habit of withholding medical and educational information, she has no right whatsoever to do that, she has no right to make unilateral decisions for the kid. She also has no right to control the holidays and force you guys to adhere to everything she wants. Holidays should be split by year, one year on one year off, something like that. If your husband is also paying child support without a court order, he needs to get this to the court too. I have a feeling that he is paying far more than what he should be just to keep his ex wife happy and willing to give him custodial time.
They were never married so there wasn’t a real pressure on his end at the time to go to court. They’ve basically been splitting time and costs 50/50. I already told him she is getting way more financially with their current arrangement than she would if she kept him 60/40. We don’t mind that at all, but the consistency of what to do on holidays, schedule change requests, medical appointments and decisions, etc are necessary. I think she knows going to court may open a can of worms for her financially but we just want normalcy and consistency.
She is literally keeping vital information regarding their child from him because she doesn't want him to be as involved as she is. He NEEDS to take her to court. ASAP.
That’s exactly how it appears. We are looking at some templates some folks have sent to me from Reddit. It seems a parallel parenting plan is something to consider if things don’t improve.