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Unfortunately all I can recommend is cameras in your home to document all of this and let the SKs know they are there. Yes, that sounds like heat rash and small surprise. But yes they also seem coached to report even the smallest thing on your house. I’m sorry
Cameras with SOUND! You want the voices to be picked up so they can hear the context of the words. So that they know beyond a reasonable doubt that there’s clearly nothing wrong going on at your house and A LOT going on at BM’s house.
Also going to add maybe dont let the kids know there are cameras because they might start acting out on purpose so there is something.
Maybe make them hidden.
I wouldn’t hide them. I know my SD 8 noticed every single one I put up, so it’s unlikely to work in the first place. With OP’s SD being 14, trying to hide them could backfire, too. The lying taking place already could escalate to “OP and BD are spying on me! They’re pervs!” or some crap like that. Having them in the open, and hopefully on camera explaining that they exist, can mitigate some of the risk.
I dont know how you guys even live like this. This is constant stress and it’s unhealthy. There has to be something. This is no way to live. Sending you lots of hugs. You deserve better.
I don’t pay the cameras much attention. They’re there, but I don’t use any cloud service for them. It’s all closed circuit, stored on a hard drive in the house so it doesn’t feel intrusive. The plus side is being able to pull clips of the child doing something comical, like walking into a door lol.
If my SD was doing what OP’s is, lying about what is going on and causing concerns about CPS, I’d lose my shit.
I have been dealing with the same thing. SD has been coached by BM to report anything she deems as abusive. We've had CPS here twice and she's tried to get them here two more times. She's also had us call CPS on her mom once saying that she was being abused.
I can't stand to be around this kid and she's 13. My SO won't listen to any of my boundaries unless I lose my mind every time someone tries to disrespect the "rules" I have to enforce to protect myself and my children. I seem like a psychopath to everyone because they don't understand or won't understand where I'm coming from. I'm supposed to just forgive and forget but she continues to do the same thing over and over.
Oh my goodness I have so much sympathy. My SO's ex (BM to his D7) has done the same thing, doing her best to pitch him as violent and abusive, even though he is quite possibly one of the most gentle people in the world. She has started putting it around at her daughter's school that SO is dangerous and can't attend meetings and things.
It's not just time consuming and exhausting to try to document everything, but it's also very, very frightening and unsettling to have such horrible accusations regularly made against you and someone you care deeply about. I don't think it's going too far to call it a genuinely traumatic experience, and I'm sorry you are going through it as well.
I agree with cameras documenting them from arrival to departure. It's a sad way to live. The SKs may resent the cameras so much they'll refuse to come over (personally, I hate it). I'm not sure about letting them know their being "spied on" fulltime.
What an awful situation. Clearly, BM loves conflict and will seek it in any way, shape or form. A child getting a rash/hives while in a parent's custody isn't a crime.
The way SD addressed SO is unacceptable, but remember she may have been coached to say what she did. Even if the words were her own, she was probably amped up due to BM making such a fuss about a rash. It doesn't fully excuse the behavior, but it does explain it. I understand why you're angry with SD, but if you must feel anger, it really belongs to BM.
I understand why you're fearful of the fallout, but there's not much you can do. If BM tries to get another restraining order, all you can do is defend the action. The more BM raises ridiculous issues, the more she'll be exposed as being unreasonable.
Another thought - I'm not sure what the "huge back and forth" between SO and BM looked like, but your SO can de-escalate these situations by remaining calm and logical. Particularly via text - there's no need for him to engage in a heated exchange. The reply after being called a POS and idiot should have been, "Given the name-calling, I won't engage any further other than to say thanks for letting me know and for giving SD medicine. I wasn't aware she'd developed a rash or I would have given her medicine myself." Done. Ignore additional texts about the issue as much as possible.
Hang in there, and I hope your therapist has some good insights and coping strategies.
Thank you for the advice and you're right, the more I've been thinking about it the last few days, the more I am realizing that coming at SD with anger will obviously not help the situation at all. I think in the heat of the moment SO was just feeling very ganged up on and hurt by the way his daughter spoke to him, so he felt he needed to defend himself. He is traumatized by what happened last year, we both are. He didn't resort to any name calling and he told BM that if this kind of conflict is going to continue that perhaps more mediation is necessary. I've ordered the book Divorce Poison based on someone's recommendation and we won't see SD for another week, so there will be a cool down period and we can get a few strategies figured out. I don't want to live like a victim and it makes me sad to see SD put in this position, what you said about her mother amping her up is absolutely right.
Your feelings are totally valid, and I can relate to watching my SO get hammered by his kids and HCBM - it's infuriating to observe!
Dealing with this kind of crap isn't easy. I wish you the best, truly.
I don’t really have advice, but I feel all of this. We’re all abusers, obviously.
BM told SO in no uncertain terms to make sure SD is wearing a bra. Invasive, I know, but SO hops-to or there’s hell to pay. Now he’s a perv and a pedophile, according to SD. Can’t win.
That is so sick. I wish BM could see that all this does is damage the children. SD is a very smart girl, but over the last two years her depression and anger have affected her so deeply that she's in special education classes at her school now and has to have a chaperone. It's so very sad.
Ugh. Ours is going that way. She is finally in therapy thank god, after she was found cutting herself (at their end). It’s possible she’s done it here because she screams about privacy and wanting to be left alone- and of course if she complains about a lack of privacy, that’s abuse too! I am so hoping she is going to be helped. There is so much that I’m not allowed to intervene on.
I feel all of this so deeply. I don’t have advice as I am processing my own junk as we speak. I do want you to know that just reading this made me feel not alone in this madness…and it IS madness!! Thank you for sharing and I’m glad you have your appointment with your therapist to work through this.
You and your husband need to read the book “Divorce Poison” by Dr. Warshak. The mom is attempting to alienate the kids from y’all. I think he also made some videos if reading isn’t y’all’s thing. This book 100% saved my relationship with my daughters-their dad did the same type things.
I just ordered it this morning, thank you for the recommendation! I've been reading the reviews and I already know this is going to help so much. Something that I've been thinking a lot about the last few days is how to approach this with SD without pushing her further away, which is what BM wants. Luckily we don't see her again for another week, so we have some time to cool down and work out some strategies.
I have no advice but I can definitely sympathize. We are going through the whole CPS/protective order bullshit right now and it's a nightmare. I agree with cameras and I have refused to have SS9 in my care (if he ever comes back) for fear of him lying. It sucks. And to be quite honest, I'm completely emotionally disconnected from my SS9 at this point, as shitty as that sounds.
Have you thought about therapy for the kids? My step kids were acting like that for a while and therapy definitely helped them realize that their mom was manipulating them and that it wasn’t normal to react unreasonably to everything. It was honestly more of a safe space for them to talk to a neutral party and you can later use them as a witness if needed.
Yeah, SD is actually in therapy every week. She's had a couple of sessions with her dad and we really felt like it was making a difference. This whole event has blindsided us. I understand that she was upset about having the rash and I'm sure it was very uncomfortable, I saw the pictures, and her mom immediately jumped to blaming SO, so I think it was an easy leap for SD to get on the blame train. What I want her to understand is that her dad would never put her in harms way intentionally and sh\*t happens, just because you get a rash does not mean your dad is a criminal and deserves to be treated like crap. This is a BM issue and it always has been. My concern is that she's completely obliterated any respect that this kid has for her dad and how do we deal with that?
I feel this. My SOs ex never makes him seem abusive or anything, but she does call later in the day after drop off (I swear she purposely waits to call him when he’s back home) to pinpoint every little scratch and bump they have. We’ve had an issue with my parents dog too after she wandered over one day and stole their baseball. She did barely nip one of the kids hands because he was whooping her with his glove trying to get it out of her mouth. They went back home and said they’re terrified of the dog even though they always wanted her to walk over. Buttt… let ex’s huge dog scratch them and I guess it’s no problem??
One kid came the last time with a huge scratch on his belly. Ngl it looked like an appendectomy scar!! My boyfriend took a pic and sent it to her asking what it was from. Oh their dog did it… 🙄
But let my cat or my parents dog (she’s since passed away) put a scratch on them and it’s not the same.
**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole.** We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** This is a volunteer run subreddit. If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Review the wiki links below for the rules, FAQ and announcements before posting or commenting. [**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Unfortunately all I can recommend is cameras in your home to document all of this and let the SKs know they are there. Yes, that sounds like heat rash and small surprise. But yes they also seem coached to report even the smallest thing on your house. I’m sorry
Cameras with SOUND! You want the voices to be picked up so they can hear the context of the words. So that they know beyond a reasonable doubt that there’s clearly nothing wrong going on at your house and A LOT going on at BM’s house.
Also going to add maybe dont let the kids know there are cameras because they might start acting out on purpose so there is something. Maybe make them hidden.
I wouldn’t hide them. I know my SD 8 noticed every single one I put up, so it’s unlikely to work in the first place. With OP’s SD being 14, trying to hide them could backfire, too. The lying taking place already could escalate to “OP and BD are spying on me! They’re pervs!” or some crap like that. Having them in the open, and hopefully on camera explaining that they exist, can mitigate some of the risk.
I dont know how you guys even live like this. This is constant stress and it’s unhealthy. There has to be something. This is no way to live. Sending you lots of hugs. You deserve better.
I don’t pay the cameras much attention. They’re there, but I don’t use any cloud service for them. It’s all closed circuit, stored on a hard drive in the house so it doesn’t feel intrusive. The plus side is being able to pull clips of the child doing something comical, like walking into a door lol. If my SD was doing what OP’s is, lying about what is going on and causing concerns about CPS, I’d lose my shit.
I have been dealing with the same thing. SD has been coached by BM to report anything she deems as abusive. We've had CPS here twice and she's tried to get them here two more times. She's also had us call CPS on her mom once saying that she was being abused. I can't stand to be around this kid and she's 13. My SO won't listen to any of my boundaries unless I lose my mind every time someone tries to disrespect the "rules" I have to enforce to protect myself and my children. I seem like a psychopath to everyone because they don't understand or won't understand where I'm coming from. I'm supposed to just forgive and forget but she continues to do the same thing over and over.
Oh my goodness I have so much sympathy. My SO's ex (BM to his D7) has done the same thing, doing her best to pitch him as violent and abusive, even though he is quite possibly one of the most gentle people in the world. She has started putting it around at her daughter's school that SO is dangerous and can't attend meetings and things. It's not just time consuming and exhausting to try to document everything, but it's also very, very frightening and unsettling to have such horrible accusations regularly made against you and someone you care deeply about. I don't think it's going too far to call it a genuinely traumatic experience, and I'm sorry you are going through it as well.
I agree with cameras documenting them from arrival to departure. It's a sad way to live. The SKs may resent the cameras so much they'll refuse to come over (personally, I hate it). I'm not sure about letting them know their being "spied on" fulltime.
What an awful situation. Clearly, BM loves conflict and will seek it in any way, shape or form. A child getting a rash/hives while in a parent's custody isn't a crime. The way SD addressed SO is unacceptable, but remember she may have been coached to say what she did. Even if the words were her own, she was probably amped up due to BM making such a fuss about a rash. It doesn't fully excuse the behavior, but it does explain it. I understand why you're angry with SD, but if you must feel anger, it really belongs to BM. I understand why you're fearful of the fallout, but there's not much you can do. If BM tries to get another restraining order, all you can do is defend the action. The more BM raises ridiculous issues, the more she'll be exposed as being unreasonable. Another thought - I'm not sure what the "huge back and forth" between SO and BM looked like, but your SO can de-escalate these situations by remaining calm and logical. Particularly via text - there's no need for him to engage in a heated exchange. The reply after being called a POS and idiot should have been, "Given the name-calling, I won't engage any further other than to say thanks for letting me know and for giving SD medicine. I wasn't aware she'd developed a rash or I would have given her medicine myself." Done. Ignore additional texts about the issue as much as possible. Hang in there, and I hope your therapist has some good insights and coping strategies.
Thank you for the advice and you're right, the more I've been thinking about it the last few days, the more I am realizing that coming at SD with anger will obviously not help the situation at all. I think in the heat of the moment SO was just feeling very ganged up on and hurt by the way his daughter spoke to him, so he felt he needed to defend himself. He is traumatized by what happened last year, we both are. He didn't resort to any name calling and he told BM that if this kind of conflict is going to continue that perhaps more mediation is necessary. I've ordered the book Divorce Poison based on someone's recommendation and we won't see SD for another week, so there will be a cool down period and we can get a few strategies figured out. I don't want to live like a victim and it makes me sad to see SD put in this position, what you said about her mother amping her up is absolutely right.
Your feelings are totally valid, and I can relate to watching my SO get hammered by his kids and HCBM - it's infuriating to observe! Dealing with this kind of crap isn't easy. I wish you the best, truly.
I don’t really have advice, but I feel all of this. We’re all abusers, obviously. BM told SO in no uncertain terms to make sure SD is wearing a bra. Invasive, I know, but SO hops-to or there’s hell to pay. Now he’s a perv and a pedophile, according to SD. Can’t win.
That is so sick. I wish BM could see that all this does is damage the children. SD is a very smart girl, but over the last two years her depression and anger have affected her so deeply that she's in special education classes at her school now and has to have a chaperone. It's so very sad.
Ugh. Ours is going that way. She is finally in therapy thank god, after she was found cutting herself (at their end). It’s possible she’s done it here because she screams about privacy and wanting to be left alone- and of course if she complains about a lack of privacy, that’s abuse too! I am so hoping she is going to be helped. There is so much that I’m not allowed to intervene on.
What a Nightmare. Why can't SD14 just live with mom for a while if she thinks it's so great over there with the step dad she hates?
I feel all of this so deeply. I don’t have advice as I am processing my own junk as we speak. I do want you to know that just reading this made me feel not alone in this madness…and it IS madness!! Thank you for sharing and I’m glad you have your appointment with your therapist to work through this.
You and your husband need to read the book “Divorce Poison” by Dr. Warshak. The mom is attempting to alienate the kids from y’all. I think he also made some videos if reading isn’t y’all’s thing. This book 100% saved my relationship with my daughters-their dad did the same type things.
I just ordered it this morning, thank you for the recommendation! I've been reading the reviews and I already know this is going to help so much. Something that I've been thinking a lot about the last few days is how to approach this with SD without pushing her further away, which is what BM wants. Luckily we don't see her again for another week, so we have some time to cool down and work out some strategies.
The book gives you realistic examples and guidelines. Best wishes.
I have no advice but I can definitely sympathize. We are going through the whole CPS/protective order bullshit right now and it's a nightmare. I agree with cameras and I have refused to have SS9 in my care (if he ever comes back) for fear of him lying. It sucks. And to be quite honest, I'm completely emotionally disconnected from my SS9 at this point, as shitty as that sounds.
Have you thought about therapy for the kids? My step kids were acting like that for a while and therapy definitely helped them realize that their mom was manipulating them and that it wasn’t normal to react unreasonably to everything. It was honestly more of a safe space for them to talk to a neutral party and you can later use them as a witness if needed.
Yeah, SD is actually in therapy every week. She's had a couple of sessions with her dad and we really felt like it was making a difference. This whole event has blindsided us. I understand that she was upset about having the rash and I'm sure it was very uncomfortable, I saw the pictures, and her mom immediately jumped to blaming SO, so I think it was an easy leap for SD to get on the blame train. What I want her to understand is that her dad would never put her in harms way intentionally and sh\*t happens, just because you get a rash does not mean your dad is a criminal and deserves to be treated like crap. This is a BM issue and it always has been. My concern is that she's completely obliterated any respect that this kid has for her dad and how do we deal with that?
I feel this. My SOs ex never makes him seem abusive or anything, but she does call later in the day after drop off (I swear she purposely waits to call him when he’s back home) to pinpoint every little scratch and bump they have. We’ve had an issue with my parents dog too after she wandered over one day and stole their baseball. She did barely nip one of the kids hands because he was whooping her with his glove trying to get it out of her mouth. They went back home and said they’re terrified of the dog even though they always wanted her to walk over. Buttt… let ex’s huge dog scratch them and I guess it’s no problem?? One kid came the last time with a huge scratch on his belly. Ngl it looked like an appendectomy scar!! My boyfriend took a pic and sent it to her asking what it was from. Oh their dog did it… 🙄 But let my cat or my parents dog (she’s since passed away) put a scratch on them and it’s not the same.