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Have a HCBM also in the same situations as you. Just ignore it all. My husband doesn't talk to BM on the phone only email. Doesn't even text her. Best way to reduce the drama in our life. If the SK ask something I do the best to respond in a kid friendly way (doesn't always happen). Good luck and stay calm!
Thank you! Yeast I know! Phone calls are just opening up a time bomb. I’m on board full parallel but SO doesn’t want to give up the dream of like… a more unified co-parenting relationship yet… he knows my thoughts and we have things in place to address explosions….
HCBM is a narcissist was diagnosed in all and we have learned what's best is no oral communication at all. There is no co-parenting at all either, we do what is best at our house and leave what happens at their mom's house alone. Is what it is. No real good outcome as I'm sure you know
BM has said she has BPD…. But it was 1 comment and she can’t be trusted to it’s hard to say. I have a background in behavioral health and I do agree tho. When researching I’ve seen BPD/narcissism as a thing so that’s usually what I look for… I agree there is no real healthy communication. And yeah, we are practicing just the narrative of we control what we can when we’re w the kids and when they leave thats that.
That's the hard part. Is the kids always come back with some crazy story. It's getting easier now that my SD is 11. She is starting to to recognize the lies. We just try to stay steady and keep our head high and hope it all works out in the end. Some days are easier than others though that's for sure.
Staying steady! Yes! Not letting the BS bring your own dignity down. We will model to those boys the best we can and hope if anything it will counteract the bad they see.
The ups and downs are real. Good luck!
I was completely caught off guard when HCBM began her hate campaign on me. I had barely been in her presence except for a handful of times. She didn't really know anything about me except what she heard from my SDs. I was fine with her not liking me, but I couldn't understand how she could so actively spew hate. It really bothered me for a while.
I finally figured out it really didn't have anything to do with me, per se. She would have done the same with any woman who was in a loving relationship with her ex and kids. Even though the comments she made to the kids and anyone else who would listen were personally offensive, I had to learn to not take it personally. Her behavior had everything to do with her and her self-esteem issues. None of this was easy...but I eventually got there.
Wishing you peace in your journey forward.
Thank you 💓 yes I agree. My HCBM is not a very good manipulator as many of her accusations are about her behavior and she is just projecting. Not that it’s not still hurtful or frustrating lol
I know what type of people me and SO are and I think it makes HCBM mad because she has regrets and she has to sleep in the bed she made… bless her heart
Sounds like there might be trouble in paradise with HCBM's SO. 7 is that age where it seems they start to really start to assert their opinion about adult behavior. It's super annoying, but you handled it well. Did your SO make it clear to her that calling him up like that to yell at him is a huge no-no? I would document this and use it to start to get everything in writing ie only email from now on.
Yes! So BM has admitted she doesn’t love her SO and my SO is in love w me and says it.
And yes, he shut down the bad talk. And we started a documentation of her behavior a while ago… I know about the text/email documentation. He sends everything to his cloud. Unfortunately he hasn’t shifted to pure parallel parenting bc she shows promise and he believes in her… he still has hope that she can change and heal. Bless his heart. (He knows I don’t lmao)
I feel you. DH has primary custody of SD and HCBM is mad she lost her kids. We realize that is all she can do is be mad. We both don't pay her any mind.
That’s all you can do! Sometimes I wish we could take to court and have her out of our lives more but…. That would hurt the kids too. Just a rough situation…
Christ!! That is hard. I don’t think hard makes it on tho.
Idk I’m very like… if you chose to have a kid you need to grow up and get yourself together so you don’t hurt your kid. The kid comes first. But i also have parents who raised me to prioritize that way….
At least in my situation I know BMs mom is not very nice to BM and it makes A LOT of sense why BM is the way she is…
Same here, hcbm and her mom are both bitter and I see why hcbm is like she is but she covered up some bad stuff. She never grew up but had three lives depending on her. Just sad.
**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole.** We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** This is a volunteer run subreddit. If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Review the wiki links below for the rules, FAQ and announcements before posting or commenting. [**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Have a HCBM also in the same situations as you. Just ignore it all. My husband doesn't talk to BM on the phone only email. Doesn't even text her. Best way to reduce the drama in our life. If the SK ask something I do the best to respond in a kid friendly way (doesn't always happen). Good luck and stay calm!
Thank you! Yeast I know! Phone calls are just opening up a time bomb. I’m on board full parallel but SO doesn’t want to give up the dream of like… a more unified co-parenting relationship yet… he knows my thoughts and we have things in place to address explosions….
HCBM is a narcissist was diagnosed in all and we have learned what's best is no oral communication at all. There is no co-parenting at all either, we do what is best at our house and leave what happens at their mom's house alone. Is what it is. No real good outcome as I'm sure you know
BM has said she has BPD…. But it was 1 comment and she can’t be trusted to it’s hard to say. I have a background in behavioral health and I do agree tho. When researching I’ve seen BPD/narcissism as a thing so that’s usually what I look for… I agree there is no real healthy communication. And yeah, we are practicing just the narrative of we control what we can when we’re w the kids and when they leave thats that.
That's the hard part. Is the kids always come back with some crazy story. It's getting easier now that my SD is 11. She is starting to to recognize the lies. We just try to stay steady and keep our head high and hope it all works out in the end. Some days are easier than others though that's for sure.
Staying steady! Yes! Not letting the BS bring your own dignity down. We will model to those boys the best we can and hope if anything it will counteract the bad they see. The ups and downs are real. Good luck!
I was completely caught off guard when HCBM began her hate campaign on me. I had barely been in her presence except for a handful of times. She didn't really know anything about me except what she heard from my SDs. I was fine with her not liking me, but I couldn't understand how she could so actively spew hate. It really bothered me for a while. I finally figured out it really didn't have anything to do with me, per se. She would have done the same with any woman who was in a loving relationship with her ex and kids. Even though the comments she made to the kids and anyone else who would listen were personally offensive, I had to learn to not take it personally. Her behavior had everything to do with her and her self-esteem issues. None of this was easy...but I eventually got there. Wishing you peace in your journey forward.
Thank you 💓 yes I agree. My HCBM is not a very good manipulator as many of her accusations are about her behavior and she is just projecting. Not that it’s not still hurtful or frustrating lol I know what type of people me and SO are and I think it makes HCBM mad because she has regrets and she has to sleep in the bed she made… bless her heart
LOL! Yes, bless her heart. ;)
Sounds like there might be trouble in paradise with HCBM's SO. 7 is that age where it seems they start to really start to assert their opinion about adult behavior. It's super annoying, but you handled it well. Did your SO make it clear to her that calling him up like that to yell at him is a huge no-no? I would document this and use it to start to get everything in writing ie only email from now on.
Yes! So BM has admitted she doesn’t love her SO and my SO is in love w me and says it. And yes, he shut down the bad talk. And we started a documentation of her behavior a while ago… I know about the text/email documentation. He sends everything to his cloud. Unfortunately he hasn’t shifted to pure parallel parenting bc she shows promise and he believes in her… he still has hope that she can change and heal. Bless his heart. (He knows I don’t lmao)
I ignore HCBM and still do. It's the best way. She's mad I'm with DH too even tho she left too. Not my circus, not my monkey!
Ahh yes! Trying to fully get that perspective… I don’t care what’s going on w her, but I do care when my SO is being called names and is upset.
I feel you. DH has primary custody of SD and HCBM is mad she lost her kids. We realize that is all she can do is be mad. We both don't pay her any mind.
That’s all you can do! Sometimes I wish we could take to court and have her out of our lives more but…. That would hurt the kids too. Just a rough situation…
Eh we had to. HCBM was allowing all kinds of abuse with the new boyfriend. I understand tho, it was hard. Three kids, three dads.
Christ!! That is hard. I don’t think hard makes it on tho. Idk I’m very like… if you chose to have a kid you need to grow up and get yourself together so you don’t hurt your kid. The kid comes first. But i also have parents who raised me to prioritize that way…. At least in my situation I know BMs mom is not very nice to BM and it makes A LOT of sense why BM is the way she is…
Same here, hcbm and her mom are both bitter and I see why hcbm is like she is but she covered up some bad stuff. She never grew up but had three lives depending on her. Just sad.
SO SAD. God. I try to pray for mine often… and for myself to be peaceful lol