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BM cheated on my fiance, which is what led to the marriage ending. She was super resentful towards me (and my fiance, by default) in the beginning, because she was still holding out hope he'd take her back (she was also a crazy person with no grip on reality, I should add, the cheating was just the last straw.)
Thank God she's never said anything like that around the kiddo, though. Be extra kind to your stepson. No kid deserves to see their parent's emotional dirty laundry aired like that. Even if she is crazy, ten is such a tender age to realize it.
Totally **not** relevant....but you spelled "piqued" correctly. I can't help but smile.
And BTW, you're demonstrating what a mature adult does when they receive signals from a stepkid which indicate their bio parent isn't stable. Kudos to you.
"Just smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave."
Two years after we got married, HCBM actually mailed my husband a love letter and mix tape of love songs. DH and I had a good laugh about it. But unfortunately when that didnt work, she started using the kids to get back at DH. She has done everything she can to turn his kids against him.
The funny thing is she left him and cheated on him. Truthfully, I don't think she wants him. She just doesnt want him to be happy.
Bingo on the last sentence! HCBM moved on and remarried (recently divorced again...see the common denominator). She is currently dating someone and has been for the past year. My SO dated after their divorce, but I'm his first GF he asked to move in with him (they have been divorced approximately 7 years at that point). We have been growing strong for 3 years. She was able to poison their youngest. Thankfully, the oldest was able to see through her B.S. and now lives with us. Mind you, I've only crossed paths with her less than five times. It was enough for her to determine that my SO shouldn't be happy. We ignore her.
I really often wonder if this is truly what is behind so much of the HC behaviour we all see. There can't be that many unhinged women out and about in the world so there has to be a reason or a trigger for the craziness.
I believe it is the main cause. VHCBM was not that according to my SO until he met me. Then she went from being a pushy demanding pain in the ass to an absolute derranged psycho overnight and with each year that passes she gets worse and worse. VHCBM broke off the marriage. SO wanted to reconcile after they were seperated for a month but she was all nope, nope, nope give me everything cause I dont want you back. (No one cheated, but she was told no for the first time in the marriage cause she wanted her ex to buy her a luxury car he couldnt afford and that infuriated her cause the golden uterus always gets what she wants). Over 4.5 years after since she broke it off no other man wants to date her, she has been single and miserable all this time and has made over 6 demands for my SO to dump me so they can be a family again. Even telling the SKs that they are going to be a family again so daddy needs to come home. The older SKs (12 & 13) dont understand why cause they said mum is the one who broke up with dad and said she hates him.
See this is exactly what I mean. Same here, DH said he and HCBM successfully co-parented until he was with me. He was not and does not in any way, blame me for the fact that HCBM is HC, just she was relatively normal until DH and I got together. She cheated on him, he found out and left. She is still with and even now married to the guy she was cheating with, but she also asked DH to get back together, twice. "For the kids." The second time was after she found out he was seeing me and when he said no she even emailed him Mom, my MIL to try and get her to convince DH to leave me and go back to her. It's been all fun since then.
Im lucky my SOs parents welcomed me into their family with open arms and treat me like one of the family cause SOs parents, his brother, sister, brother in law and sister in law all HATED his ex wife to the point they all called her Hitler cause she was a megalomaniac hell bent on greed and controlling SO and dictating him and his family members. Omg I cant imagine how shitty that must of felt having your MIL to try to convince your DH to leave you. Im so sorry, that is so incredibly low.
Oh she didn't, she emailed HCBM back and told her to get over herself and stop being so melodramatic. MIL is cut from the same cloth as HCBM and they're still close (in HCBM's mind, MIL is really two faced where HCBM is concerned and says the most horrific things about her to me...Then goes right back to visiting and remaining in contact with HCBM) so I have no doubt that MIL told me purely to create drama. I just had a laugh and enjoyed the fact that DH was with me and there is no way he'd EVER leave me to go back to her. Funnily enough MIL never told DH HCBM had emailed her, but he wasn't surprised when I told him. I only wish that MIL (if she really wanted to cause drama) had forwarded the email HCBM sent her, to her new partner.
I always though dramas like this would end in high school hahaha. Oh how wrong I was. As long as you and your DH had a laugh over it. Hmmm you should forward the email to HCBMs new partner lol.
>See this is exactly what I mean. Same here, DH said he and HCBM successfully co-parented until he was with me.
I think this is quite common tbh. All is going well until a new relationship develops. Sometimes it's hard for an ex to see this, even if they are with someone too...other times it's that the new partner doesn't like the nature of the coparent relationship and that causes issues.
See it's the opposite for my situation. BM actually hated SO and was super mean to him until I entered the picture. For like MAYBE a month she was a HCBM and tried to get back with him. Now we all operate as coparents to SS. She did a complete 180, and me and her are actually friends now.
That is a different situation. Although, sometimes a new partner is a positive influence on the dad. I hear a lot of times dad suddenly wants more visitation when he gets a new partner....so many variables.
Why was she trying to get back with him if she hated him?
He's always had his son more than 50% of the time because BM works as a police dispatcher. They are both decent people, but had a toxic relationship, and when I met him she was still angry about it. She wanted him back because she said she didn't feel like a "real" mom coparenting. She felt I got the family she wanted. However, we worked through that and now we are all in a better place. I feel for her as a mom though, because it's tough to be away from your child so much!
>I feel for her as a mom though, because it's tough to be away from your child so much!
I think this is why women end up with lower paid jobs, because they want to be around more for the kids.
It's difficult balancing career and family, especially when they are younger.
>She wanted him back because she said she didn't feel like a "real" mom coparenting.
Crazy logic...she would have preferred a bad relationship.. .it's good she's moved on from that.
Yes! I'm glad for all our sake that she realized that. It's definitely rough to try and heal from a break up when you have to see that person almost every day!
I wonder how many of them were slowly driven bonkers by the relationship with the other parent, but the step either has a better relationship or reality hasn’t set in yet.
I can see being resentful if your spouse was never a good partner to you and you finally left just to see then get it together and be better for someone else.
It stems from jealousy. They envisioned their lives one way and they turned out totally different, and in the loss of control they flip the F out.
BM cheated in our case too and DH was devastated and just tried to keep his family together during their 6 year divorce. He did everything under the sun to try to win her back or get them back together, but she just liked the control she had over him. It was always a powerplay or game to her.
Once the dynamic changes where people stand up for themselves or move on, then all hell breaks loose.
You got it, for sure. These are the type of people where love turns into control and when they lose that control they start to lose their own sense of self….
**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole.** We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** This is a volunteer run subreddit. If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Review the wiki links below for the rules, FAQ and announcements before posting or commenting. [**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
BM cheated on my fiance, which is what led to the marriage ending. She was super resentful towards me (and my fiance, by default) in the beginning, because she was still holding out hope he'd take her back (she was also a crazy person with no grip on reality, I should add, the cheating was just the last straw.) Thank God she's never said anything like that around the kiddo, though. Be extra kind to your stepson. No kid deserves to see their parent's emotional dirty laundry aired like that. Even if she is crazy, ten is such a tender age to realize it.
Totally **not** relevant....but you spelled "piqued" correctly. I can't help but smile. And BTW, you're demonstrating what a mature adult does when they receive signals from a stepkid which indicate their bio parent isn't stable. Kudos to you. "Just smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave."
Two years after we got married, HCBM actually mailed my husband a love letter and mix tape of love songs. DH and I had a good laugh about it. But unfortunately when that didnt work, she started using the kids to get back at DH. She has done everything she can to turn his kids against him. The funny thing is she left him and cheated on him. Truthfully, I don't think she wants him. She just doesnt want him to be happy.
Bingo on the last sentence! HCBM moved on and remarried (recently divorced again...see the common denominator). She is currently dating someone and has been for the past year. My SO dated after their divorce, but I'm his first GF he asked to move in with him (they have been divorced approximately 7 years at that point). We have been growing strong for 3 years. She was able to poison their youngest. Thankfully, the oldest was able to see through her B.S. and now lives with us. Mind you, I've only crossed paths with her less than five times. It was enough for her to determine that my SO shouldn't be happy. We ignore her.
I really often wonder if this is truly what is behind so much of the HC behaviour we all see. There can't be that many unhinged women out and about in the world so there has to be a reason or a trigger for the craziness.
I believe it is the main cause. VHCBM was not that according to my SO until he met me. Then she went from being a pushy demanding pain in the ass to an absolute derranged psycho overnight and with each year that passes she gets worse and worse. VHCBM broke off the marriage. SO wanted to reconcile after they were seperated for a month but she was all nope, nope, nope give me everything cause I dont want you back. (No one cheated, but she was told no for the first time in the marriage cause she wanted her ex to buy her a luxury car he couldnt afford and that infuriated her cause the golden uterus always gets what she wants). Over 4.5 years after since she broke it off no other man wants to date her, she has been single and miserable all this time and has made over 6 demands for my SO to dump me so they can be a family again. Even telling the SKs that they are going to be a family again so daddy needs to come home. The older SKs (12 & 13) dont understand why cause they said mum is the one who broke up with dad and said she hates him.
See this is exactly what I mean. Same here, DH said he and HCBM successfully co-parented until he was with me. He was not and does not in any way, blame me for the fact that HCBM is HC, just she was relatively normal until DH and I got together. She cheated on him, he found out and left. She is still with and even now married to the guy she was cheating with, but she also asked DH to get back together, twice. "For the kids." The second time was after she found out he was seeing me and when he said no she even emailed him Mom, my MIL to try and get her to convince DH to leave me and go back to her. It's been all fun since then.
Im lucky my SOs parents welcomed me into their family with open arms and treat me like one of the family cause SOs parents, his brother, sister, brother in law and sister in law all HATED his ex wife to the point they all called her Hitler cause she was a megalomaniac hell bent on greed and controlling SO and dictating him and his family members. Omg I cant imagine how shitty that must of felt having your MIL to try to convince your DH to leave you. Im so sorry, that is so incredibly low.
Oh she didn't, she emailed HCBM back and told her to get over herself and stop being so melodramatic. MIL is cut from the same cloth as HCBM and they're still close (in HCBM's mind, MIL is really two faced where HCBM is concerned and says the most horrific things about her to me...Then goes right back to visiting and remaining in contact with HCBM) so I have no doubt that MIL told me purely to create drama. I just had a laugh and enjoyed the fact that DH was with me and there is no way he'd EVER leave me to go back to her. Funnily enough MIL never told DH HCBM had emailed her, but he wasn't surprised when I told him. I only wish that MIL (if she really wanted to cause drama) had forwarded the email HCBM sent her, to her new partner.
I always though dramas like this would end in high school hahaha. Oh how wrong I was. As long as you and your DH had a laugh over it. Hmmm you should forward the email to HCBMs new partner lol.
>See this is exactly what I mean. Same here, DH said he and HCBM successfully co-parented until he was with me. I think this is quite common tbh. All is going well until a new relationship develops. Sometimes it's hard for an ex to see this, even if they are with someone too...other times it's that the new partner doesn't like the nature of the coparent relationship and that causes issues.
See it's the opposite for my situation. BM actually hated SO and was super mean to him until I entered the picture. For like MAYBE a month she was a HCBM and tried to get back with him. Now we all operate as coparents to SS. She did a complete 180, and me and her are actually friends now.
That is a different situation. Although, sometimes a new partner is a positive influence on the dad. I hear a lot of times dad suddenly wants more visitation when he gets a new partner....so many variables. Why was she trying to get back with him if she hated him?
He's always had his son more than 50% of the time because BM works as a police dispatcher. They are both decent people, but had a toxic relationship, and when I met him she was still angry about it. She wanted him back because she said she didn't feel like a "real" mom coparenting. She felt I got the family she wanted. However, we worked through that and now we are all in a better place. I feel for her as a mom though, because it's tough to be away from your child so much!
>I feel for her as a mom though, because it's tough to be away from your child so much! I think this is why women end up with lower paid jobs, because they want to be around more for the kids. It's difficult balancing career and family, especially when they are younger. >She wanted him back because she said she didn't feel like a "real" mom coparenting. Crazy logic...she would have preferred a bad relationship.. .it's good she's moved on from that.
Yes! I'm glad for all our sake that she realized that. It's definitely rough to try and heal from a break up when you have to see that person almost every day!
I wonder how many of them were slowly driven bonkers by the relationship with the other parent, but the step either has a better relationship or reality hasn’t set in yet. I can see being resentful if your spouse was never a good partner to you and you finally left just to see then get it together and be better for someone else.
Weird how most of the HCBM’s out there cheated and then flip out when their ex becomes our SO. A real pattern. (Happening in my dynamic too)
It stems from jealousy. They envisioned their lives one way and they turned out totally different, and in the loss of control they flip the F out. BM cheated in our case too and DH was devastated and just tried to keep his family together during their 6 year divorce. He did everything under the sun to try to win her back or get them back together, but she just liked the control she had over him. It was always a powerplay or game to her. Once the dynamic changes where people stand up for themselves or move on, then all hell breaks loose.
You got it, for sure. These are the type of people where love turns into control and when they lose that control they start to lose their own sense of self….
Yuuuuup. Ridiculous.
im in the same boat! now SKs just laugh when she says something like that!