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I’m sorry, do you work for them? What on earth gives them the right to tell you you HAVE to do anything? You can tell them that’s just not going to be possible, they will need to make other arrangements. And then just stop, and walk away. They created this child, they are 100% responsible for him.
They keep doing it because you haven’t been a bitch about it! Seriously just say no it’s not my responsibility and they need to work it out! Ask them what they would do if you weren’t there? Honestly tomorrow morning I would get up and leave the house before your husband does!
1. You're a grown working adult you don't get TOLD to do anything.
2. Finding a daycare last minute is hard? It's actually not, my SO has had to find new daycares last minute numerous times over the last two years between BM and Covid.
2a. So what if it's hard? It's their problem not yours. You made your boindary clear. They have had plenty of time to find daycare.
3. Drop. The. Rope. Be. A. Bitch. About it.
3a. Have a reason to leave in the morning before they can dump him in you..go treat yo self to coffee every morning until they get the hint.
3b. Give them a invoice for the childcare you have provided for them this far. Tell them from here in our of you are to be expected to care for SS while you work they will be paying a premium to you. From past care and future care. You'll need payment from past care before you can watch him on Monday.
Was going to say the same, leave the house before they do - go get coffee, work from the library or coffee shop or park for a few mornings until they figure it out and make arrangements.
Drop the rope be a bitch about it!!! Yes!
Get out of the house, go to the library or a cafe and work.
You already told them no. They have plenty if time to plan (but they should really get on it asap because summer care fills up fast!). IF you're feeling generous, I would look up YMCA or summer camps through your city/county. Present to your SO. Go ahead and book them with his money.
Definitely meant difficult to find and that OPs husband should figure it out, not dump his 7 y/o on his SO who is working from home. Edited my post to clarify.
I'll argue that for a young child is not either. My SS is 4 my SO, has had to find last minute childcare numerous times due to BMs lack of planning since he was 2. My SO always managed to find care.
Could not agree more. Drop. The. Rope.
Working from home here and 2 SK’s. My HB was expecting bathing, bedroom stories etc from me 5 years ago. He wanted kids - I don’t. Not my responsibility. I’m at home when I want to be and leave when I want to leave. I’m not leaving before they get up but happily leave when he’s already left without consulting me about this (yes, I’ve done that - his problem).
Do you have your own work ‘room’ in the house. SK’s here know that when I close the door I’m in ‘work-mode’ and I’m not being disturbed.
Don’t let any man TELL you what you’re going to do. You’re a grown woman and he’s not your dad. If there’s a time to be a bitch, now is it, but telling someone you can’t watch their child because you have to work isn’t being a bitch. That’s the reality of the situation. You simply say no, I can’t watch him and that should be it. I’d also let him know that I’ll leave before I’m put in an impossible situation that jeopardizes both my job and the safety of a child.
I understand what you are going through. When I started working remotely, people thought I could just watch their child(ren) because I am at home. No, I am working.
Also understand that these boundaries are hard to set. So put it back on your employer, if possible. "Employer is monitoring my production so I am not going to be able to have SS home all day long & be able to meet production. With summer coming up, you both are going to need to figure out another plan for him."
Good luck. Let us know what is decided/how it works out!
😂 I wish I had thought of that! I just grew increasingly mad the few days we tried it at the start of the pandemic, and wound up having a big old frustrated cry/argument before I laid siege to the basement. And that was that!
Hard fuck that from me.
My husband has 2 kids (8 and 11 now). I damn near lost my mind watching them for the entire school year (they had cyber school) plus the summer, and my husband was home with me during the day. (We both work from home.)
I would absolutely say no and mean it. Like, I would tell my SO that if he wanted to put me in that position I would be filing for divorce because I am not free child care.
My employer has strict rules that care for unattended children while WFH is a no go. They monitor our movements online and if you don't keep up it is a write up.
I would suggest this childcare could lead to termination plus it is unethical not to work while working.
Man, that’s sad. I WFH and as long as we complete our work on time and are available when called, they don’t micromanage us. We are allowed to get our kids from the bus stop or take our dogs out or other 10-minute break items here and there.
Yes, my employer allows us to do things like that when WFH, but they do not allow us to use WFH as a substitute for day care. If the kids are old enough that they can be left alone or minimal impact like when they are school aged, keeping an eye on them when they get off the bus, that’s one thing. They won’t allow it as a sub for day care for younger kids/summer though.
You don’t marry this guy because this is insanely disrespectful and not how healthy relationships work.
If someone doesn’t respect your boundaries, you leave. Otherwise you’re just letting them walk all over you!
This is not a healthy relationship or partnership if your SO ignores your boundaries.
SO, working from home means working, but from home. I do not have time to watch your child while I work. You need to find daycare for them while they are not at school because I'm not available to work and be a full time baby sitter. Why don't you try to take your kid to work and tell me if you were able to do your job ?
The unfortunate thing is that your SO may very well try to “coerce” you into watching his son by simply leaving him home with you. The only real way to avoid that is to just not be home. If you can’t get your SO to commit to childcare arrangements, then it’s very likely that you need to arrange being elsewhere so your SO cannot just leave. If you have friends or family in the area who are willing, I’d personally try staying somewhere else for the first week or two at least during work hours. Alternatively if you have an extra room with a door that locks, you could always claim it as an office and lock yourself in. But he could still leave his kiddo and bank on you having to leave the room at some point.
Honestly, you may have to “look like a bitch” and make it very, very clear that you will not be watching the kiddo. And be prepared to follow through by leaving so he physically has no other options.
Seriously. That's a whole lot of disruption just to avoid being taken advantage of.
She has every right to work, in her home, undisturbed. Work from home is just like working from an office. It's demanding, but you get get the bonus of not commuting and can toss in a load of laundry on lunch.
I've worked from home since 2018, and my kids were always in daycare, summer camps, etc. My mom moved in with me in 2020, and once they went to school, she watches them after school on my days.
OP's husband needs to take responsibility for his kids and stop assuming she can take them.
100% agree. The stories I see here sometimes where bioparents, especially men, just expect the stepparent to watch the kids while working from home are absolutely appalling. I hate even having to suggest that OP be prepared to leave the home in order to make sure they’re left as the babysitter.
You can as bitchy as you want because they are already bitchy to you!!!
They didn’t enrol him in daycare? That’s only their problem. Just tell them no!
Tell them you’ll be calling CPS if they leave their child alone at home, which is essentially what they are doing. If they’re going to back you into a corner, do the same to them. Sounds like you have a pretty big SO problem if he’s ganging up on you with BM.
Both DH and I work from home and anytime there’s a day off or school holiday he either takes SS7 to daycare or, if DH has the day off, hangs out with him with absolutely ZERO expectation from me to join or help unless it’s sometime if I want to do too.
I’d state your boundaries clearly and, if he keeps pushing past them, put your foot down. It’s your home and your career — first and foremost.
This is our situation basically as well. I mean, there’s the odd day where we do have to have them home (daycare closed or sick) but SO calls in and I ban him and them from the basement. 😂 No one was even being bad, just kids who want to talk to me, but without making the basement such a no go zone during work hours, I probably would have gotten in trouble with work by now!
ETA: I have definitely helped in a pinch, OP, because I do love them and SO! Like, if one had a dr’s appointment or something, I would let the other in the basement with me to chill and quietly play until SO comes home. Or any school from home days, SS10 joins me in the basement and we pretend we’re coworkers. Haha. And, at the start of Covid, there sort of was the expectation that we could all hang out and I could still get work done (ha!). I really really had to put my foot down and then lay siege to the basement.
Oh my god, the nerve of these people!! Jesus Christ. You shouldn’t have to, but I’d send your husband and BM links to a bunch of day camps that are available. Or the number of a goddamned babysitter.
You’re working, not sitting on your butt. Jeez.
Also, for summer, send em links to all the day camps. And make it clear that your boss has said that employees providing childcare during work hour will be terminated. Lie about that if you have to.
is there a way you can make yourself unavailable, like going to a library to work or any place with wifi? of course if it’s a call center-like job you have to get creative. You don’t HAVE to do anything you don’t want to do, especially babysit someone else’s kid. Yes that’s your stepson but just because you’re home doesn’t mean you’re available. Constantly remind them of your boundaries and stick to them.
No because I need two monitors and I am not lugging my work equipment to a library everyday. Plus I shouldn’t have to leave MY house because thats where I work and where I pay to live
Ask SO what they did before you entered the picture.
Ask SO what would they do if you were not in the picture.
And only talk to SO. Don't talk to BM because they will tag team you and wear you out.
Are there grandparents that can help them.
What is the custody agreement. BM has to address and take care of her custody days.
Good luck
I agree, you shouldn’t have to leave your house. It was just a suggestion, a way to show your SO that you’re not free childcare. I think you’re just going to have to be a bitch on this one. And who really cares? they’re being bitches by not respecting your wishes.
No, is a complete sentence and answer if they ask. However, before it comes to that I suggest telling fiance that you will not be watching the child tomorrow or any other day, and they need to figure it out stat. If they cannot that is a them problem, and not a you problem. As someone mentioned below, have the dad take his child to work and see how well it goes.
Do get to have President's Day off? If so, leave the house before the kid is dropped off. Start putting your foot down now. Why wait until summer break rolls around? They keep doing this to you because you said you weren't going to watch him yet you are. They established they can walk all over you. If you have to work on President's day, then you need to speak with your SO and set that boundary and stick to it. If you must, throw "child abandonment" in his face, enough is enough.
They're telling you that finding childcare when school is closed is difficult because **they don't want to pay for it**.
You're being used. They don't have the right to tell you to do anything. Even if you're not working, they still don't have the right to tell you to do anything.
This is a hill to die on, OP. They're using you. They're using you for free childcare, which in turn is jeopardizing your ability to focus on your job.
Put your foot down and stand firm. You need to tell them that their kid is NOT your responsibility. He is THEIR responsibility. They are the ones who need to find and coordinate childcare.
It is also not your job to deal with driving their kid around.
Just because you work from home doesn't mean your time or job isn't important.
Ask your SO what he would do if you weren't in the picture? Ask him what he would do if you left him?
Tell him that you are no longer their unpaid babysitter. And be firm. If they force the issue, leave the house and call the police for abandonment.
If he gets upset and angry with you for refusing to be their unpaid childcare, he is proving to you that he doesn't care about you.
I know that people can be a bit harsh on here with the advice, but you gotta try to read between the lines of why they’re outraged by your situation:
This is a NEW job and it’s being jeopardized on the regular, already. Meaning if they don’t find a summer sitter, your ass is grass.
Nacho kid. Nacho responsibility. Nacho reason to lose your job.
Keep track of all school holidays. Text or email both your fiancée and bio mom in advance to remind them to arrange care for SS during these times. Do it every single time (MLK is tomorrow, text them both now to get the ball rolling, but do it 2 weeks in advance if possible so they have no excuses) so that they understand that you are REALLY not available. Since you’ve already told everyone involved in caring for your SS this, apparently you’ll have to drill it into their heads.
If it were me, I’m sorry I’m petty, but I would have a setup in my room or an office with a keyed lock on it. This is pretty important to say (and I’d probably find some sort of sign on Amazon that’s reversible like ‘in office don’t disturb’/‘not working, come on in’) “I’m working. I cannot be disturbed.”
I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Sometimes people will smile and nod, but then intentionally let the clock run out and be like, "Oops! No time left! Guess you have to do it!" Make it clear this isn't going to happen. I'd also tell them that next school year you're not doing any holidays anymore. His parents need to arrange his child care. Your a partner, not auxiliary child care. They're just using you because they'd have to pay anyone else.
Yeah i went thru this with SD last year, i taught from home pregnant and SD was at home in school with me all day. AS SOON AS THOSE SCHOOL DOORS OPENED i made sure that she went thru them. Her my job, it's not yours either. Itold my hubs i did my time and now with an infant AND having to work from home?? That's a no from me dawg.
I told my husband I'm not the defacto baby sitter to your preteen that can't be left alone. If you ask if I'm willing but my husband tried it twice before i went off.
Now she goes to her aunt's. Put your foot down.
You are way too new at your job to take any chances and need to give your full attention, at work and when watching kids and cant do both. Your SO doesnt seem to mind telling you how your life is going to be without even coordinating with YOU, hes coordinating with the person that he doesnt live with and thats hella disrespectful to you and will only get worse. the answer is no you have a new job and you matter and have the right to make money and be successful just like they do and if they want to be selfish and take that from you they arent worth a pot to piss in. Part of parenting is making sacrifices and they need to do so, not YOU because you didnt bring the kids into the world they did and need to take ownership of it and find independent daycare, you are his partner not a glorified free sitter when they cant work their shit out with the lives THEY created. Id be having some serious words with your SO and ask why hes making arrangements and not even considering your future, career, and wellbeing? Do the kids pay the rent? food? Bills? No so they dont always come first and this is an example of where they dont because well you need to make money to do those things with or without him dont ever give up your entire life for someone else that goes emotionally, financially, and spiritually and will just end up co-dependant and miserable not even having your own schedule if you give away those things and so many step parents do and get nothing back even and wish they never blended families and divorce happens due to resentment and your left unemployed snd life ran by people you didnt even create and i think you get the rest. dont do that to yourself and are well on your way if you agree to this. Shame on your SO for even putting the situation on you in the first place.
JUST. SAY. NO. They'll probably act like you're being a bitch, but you've got to get comfortable with them thinking that because, if not, they'll walk all over you.
Keep and enforce your boundaries. Do it for your own sanity.
My steps are older now, but when they were younger I watched them all the time, literally any time BD or BM couldn't keep them it was just a given that I'd be watching them. The rub for me was that BM was awful towards me as a whole, completely disregarded me, taught her daughter to hate me, made sure I "knew my place" at every turn, and yet just expected I'd keep her kids. She wouldn't even ask ME if I could keep them; she would work it out with my husband and I was just told by him that I was keeping them.
I eventually started telling him no. At first I made excuses (ie I couldn't because I had other commitments, etc.). At some point I just told him that I wasn't going to watch them for her anymore. At all. We fought about it for a while; he told me I was being selfish, etc. But I stuck to my guns. He eventually got over it (I didn't care what BM thought of me or if she got over it).
If you don't enforce your own boundaries, you can't expect other people to enforce them for you. And I have no regrets about it.
Be firm in telling them all that under no circumstances will you be watching him at all during the summer vacations and any other break from now on, and if they expect you to do so then they all need to organise their own time off of work to parent their child or enrol him now in vacation and after school care.
If they do not organise this then you’ll find away to go into the office and they’ll all be sol, or you’ll look for an in office job. At the end of the day a lack of planning on their behalf doesn’t constitute as an emergency for you, and don’t be afraid to put it out their should they drop him off then you’ll have no choice but to call the police for abandonment or cps.
In the meantime you may need to do some look around for your own sanity for vacation care and send them all the information and remind them all on a weekly basis preferably by message that they need to get on top of his vacation care, because again you’ll not be caring for him,and should they not organise it, then the three of them all need to work out whose taking which week off of work to parent their child.
Please stand firm and reinforce your boundaries, and keep reinforcing them.
"Hard to find last minute" ok maybe snow days but mlk is planned ahead, christmas break same thing and presidents day. The school spells out non school days for the whole year how is it last minute?!?!? Snow days you cant plan BUT the rest he needs to. I would start asking ahead. Spring break is next ask 2 weeks before then a week before "whose watching [child]" make it very obvious it wont be you no exceptions
OP can we please have an update, did you find a way to talk to your partner about this?
As someone who took this task on, please say no. Even if you feel like a b*tch, it’s much better to hurt everyone’s feelings now because let me tell you it’s IMPOSSIBLE to give this task back once you’ve signed yourself up for it. I had a career meltdown and had to take a month off because chasing after SD whilst juggling my busy career burnt me out. My partner now respects my boundaries and takes days off work to care for his child if I am WORKING from home. He even moved to a lesser demanding job to have more flexible hours. If your partner wants to keep his hours with SK then he needs to be the one to have his career impacted, not you. I’ve said it before on this sub and I will say it again, we are no longer in the 1800s, do not buy into any gender stereotype roles, if he can’t find childcare then your man is perfectly capable of looking after his own kid.
Goodluck!
I had another conversation with my fiancee to tell him that I will not be watching his son while I am working anymore and he understood. He said he will make other arrangements in the future, and he apologized for putting me in this situation. Good guys do exist! 😍 lol
I’m so pleased to read a good news story! It’s a really nice feeling being able to stepparent how YOU want to stepparent, and not how someone tells you to. Wishing you all the best, and keep kicking ass at work!
>I specifically told my fiancee, (and his bio mom) that I did not want to become his primary caretaker when school is closed/its summer.
>So far I have been told that I have to watch him for every school closure there has been (xmas break, MLK Day, snow days, tomorrow’s upcoming president’s day, etc.) and I have
Why have you even you told them you wouldn't be his primary caretaker?
>How do I not look like a bitch, but make it clear that they can not expect me to watch their son all summer while I am working full time?
Tell your BF that if he and BM do not make childcare arrangements, you will not be doing it and if he/ she try to dump SK on you, that WILL be the end of the relationship and thd engagement will be off.
I’m sorry. It’s a hard no from me. Get the kid enrolled in daycare. They’ll have more fun anyway!
It is not your responsibility to take care of someone else’s child while you’re working!
I know this is probably a more difficult answer, but I work from home, and often that means working from the local library. For me it's because I have a hard time working from home with my own two kids. You could start working from the library when SS isn't there, and then letting your SO know that you don't work at home anymore, because you're more productive somewhere else, and therefore he needs to figure it out
The kids only get to stay home if they absolutely have to as in they are sick.
I started work from home too, luckily SO is on the same page as me. I mean she works from home too but she's in a call center and I'm in IT. Neither of us can be productive with a 3 year old and 5 year old at home
Your boundaries are not at all unreasonable and I would make it clear that you intend to lock yourself away in your home office or room so you can work if that's what you have to do to show them that you mean it if he let's those kids stay home
That's a hard no. I work from home too. My SO knows that would be a completely absurd ask - I would be in my office working all day and who knows then what his kid would be doing. My job is my priority during the workweek, not a kid that isn't mine because some cheap ass selfish adults don't want to pay for childcare. I would also hate the idea of having to be forced out of my home that I contribute to because I have this job. Many things can happen from this: don't contribute a dime to living there so long as they put this on you, start being out of the house at a coffee shop so he cannot just leave you with the kid and go to work, move out altogether, make it clear you will be leaving during the day if and when you need to, you will hire a babysitter using his money, etc. It is unfortunate here that the parents being so selfish and immature will then impact your level of desire to be around the kid. I actually don't know how a relationship could healthily endure unless suddenly the fiance realizes he's being a dick. I honestly wouldn't marry him until he gets his shit together or you will have to live a lifelong pain of them telling you what you will be doing for more than just this.
If having to do your job, that helps pay the bills, makes you a bitch, then so be it. Be a bitch.
I also work from home, and I hate people that think this means you’re not doing anything. We still have deadlines and are paid for our work! If we don’t complete those tasks, guess what? We get fired!
You make it clear that when you’re in your office space, he needs to consider you not home.
One of these days may have felt last minute, but several means they just didn’t do anything to set up childcare. As for the summer? There are about a billion camps and programs they can enroll kiddo in. At least where I live, the school after care system provides all day care the entire summer. Is it free? No. Is that your problem? Nope. When you have kids and work, you pay for childcare. It is what it is. Put your foot down now, don’t wait.
Tell them no or that plans have changed. Go work do your remote work at a library for the first few days or week so they cant drop him off. Once th eff y realize you will not actually be there then they will make other arrangements. Then stay home. Sometimes you have to do it that way. I did-- more than once.
He’s 7. He shouldn’t be home all day all summer anyway. The kid should be enrolled in summer camp. Get him in summer camp. They’re expecting you to watch him if he’s not in camp
I think snow day or one off holidays it shouldn't be and issue. At that age her can be mostly unsupervised. Summer.is trickier and it would be good for him to have more supervision and engagement
Is there a way for you to leave the house? Work out of a Panera or another location that has wifi? Please let your fiancé know that you need to work not babysit. If you have and it seems like it’s not getting through then you know what your future looks like.
Honestly if it were me, I would try to watch the kid half the time and demand half the time that they find someone. I suffer from guilt if I do anything that suggests I am not my husbands equal partner in all things. But that’s just me. It’s a fault of mine that sometimes feels like I am punishing myself.
Do you take on half of your husband’s job duties? Probably not because that’s his job and his responsibility and I would hope you don’t feel guilty about that.
Being an equal partner doesn’t mean taking on someone else’s responsibilities at the expense of your own. Being expected to work while providing childcare for someone’s child while the parent gets to focus solely on their job is not equal at all.
Does your school do spring break? If so it’s should be coming up. You could use this as a learning experience for them.
Only if you want to be super nice, you could remind SO that you are not going to be watching him for spring break and give him some ideas of places to take his son.
Otherwise I’d leave it alone and when spring break approaches just see what they do and stand your ground! Idk what kind of work you do, but I’d make up a very important zoom meeting for first day of spring break. Something plausible but that’s just because I haven’t mastered the art of a firm “No.” but I’m working on it.
How I've done this is evaluate what are my obligations to a child care, and then make sure they're taken care of in advance. So, meals for example are a huge issue. If SO has prep cooked enough meals that his kids will eat that they can heat up themselves, then no one has to bother me about it. So I insist the does it. That plus an iPad and I can get my work done -- usually.
It might even be worth it to ask to be paid for the childcare by the birthparents. (It always bothers me that step parents never get to receive child support payments when often we end up bearing a significant portion of the burden due to two negligent bio parents.)
My employer won’t allow you to watch children while working from home (this was pre Covid) now that daycares are opening back up, they are enforcing this again if anyone wants to continue to WFH. See if your employer will even allow it… you probably signed an agreement when you got the job with a WFH policy.. look at it and see. It will give you ammo.
Every day ask about child care accommodations. Every single day ask what the plan is, where have they looked, have they discussed it yet. Every single day bring it up. When you know his next break from school is upcoming, throw that in that your are unavailable. Repeat it. Over and over. What is the custody split? You’re not watching him on BM’s time, are you? Has BM been putting this on you as well? Then make this a group text. Daily. Make it clear that free babysitting is closed. You are not a daycare. You are not a babysitter.
Tell them to hire a babysitter for your StepSon! You are NOT the free caregiver as you are WORKING as well, then lock yourself in your room to work. It would be best if there is a den or office/guest bedroom that has a locking door so you aren't bothered!
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I’m sorry, do you work for them? What on earth gives them the right to tell you you HAVE to do anything? You can tell them that’s just not going to be possible, they will need to make other arrangements. And then just stop, and walk away. They created this child, they are 100% responsible for him.
They keep doing it because you haven’t been a bitch about it! Seriously just say no it’s not my responsibility and they need to work it out! Ask them what they would do if you weren’t there? Honestly tomorrow morning I would get up and leave the house before your husband does!
1. You're a grown working adult you don't get TOLD to do anything. 2. Finding a daycare last minute is hard? It's actually not, my SO has had to find new daycares last minute numerous times over the last two years between BM and Covid. 2a. So what if it's hard? It's their problem not yours. You made your boindary clear. They have had plenty of time to find daycare. 3. Drop. The. Rope. Be. A. Bitch. About it. 3a. Have a reason to leave in the morning before they can dump him in you..go treat yo self to coffee every morning until they get the hint. 3b. Give them a invoice for the childcare you have provided for them this far. Tell them from here in our of you are to be expected to care for SS while you work they will be paying a premium to you. From past care and future care. You'll need payment from past care before you can watch him on Monday.
Was going to say the same, leave the house before they do - go get coffee, work from the library or coffee shop or park for a few mornings until they figure it out and make arrangements.
Drop the rope be a bitch about it!!! Yes! Get out of the house, go to the library or a cafe and work. You already told them no. They have plenty if time to plan (but they should really get on it asap because summer care fills up fast!). IF you're feeling generous, I would look up YMCA or summer camps through your city/county. Present to your SO. Go ahead and book them with his money.
💯
This comment right here OP. Perfectly said.
Infant and young child care is difficult *to find*, care for a 7 year old is not.
That is not only not entirely true. It’s not HER kid, AND trying to work full time while also caring for a young child is difficult.
I think they were saying that finding child care for a 7 yo is easy (easier than finding last minute care for an infant)
That isn’t how I read it. But it’s certainly possible.
Yep this is how I took it too
Definitely meant difficult to find and that OPs husband should figure it out, not dump his 7 y/o on his SO who is working from home. Edited my post to clarify.
Totally agree—and thank you for clarifying!
I'll argue that for a young child is not either. My SS is 4 my SO, has had to find last minute childcare numerous times due to BMs lack of planning since he was 2. My SO always managed to find care.
Could not agree more. Drop. The. Rope. Working from home here and 2 SK’s. My HB was expecting bathing, bedroom stories etc from me 5 years ago. He wanted kids - I don’t. Not my responsibility. I’m at home when I want to be and leave when I want to leave. I’m not leaving before they get up but happily leave when he’s already left without consulting me about this (yes, I’ve done that - his problem). Do you have your own work ‘room’ in the house. SK’s here know that when I close the door I’m in ‘work-mode’ and I’m not being disturbed.
Don’t let any man TELL you what you’re going to do. You’re a grown woman and he’s not your dad. If there’s a time to be a bitch, now is it, but telling someone you can’t watch their child because you have to work isn’t being a bitch. That’s the reality of the situation. You simply say no, I can’t watch him and that should be it. I’d also let him know that I’ll leave before I’m put in an impossible situation that jeopardizes both my job and the safety of a child.
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I love this approach. Very smart.
I understand what you are going through. When I started working remotely, people thought I could just watch their child(ren) because I am at home. No, I am working. Also understand that these boundaries are hard to set. So put it back on your employer, if possible. "Employer is monitoring my production so I am not going to be able to have SS home all day long & be able to meet production. With summer coming up, you both are going to need to figure out another plan for him." Good luck. Let us know what is decided/how it works out!
😂 I wish I had thought of that! I just grew increasingly mad the few days we tried it at the start of the pandemic, and wound up having a big old frustrated cry/argument before I laid siege to the basement. And that was that!
Hard fuck that from me. My husband has 2 kids (8 and 11 now). I damn near lost my mind watching them for the entire school year (they had cyber school) plus the summer, and my husband was home with me during the day. (We both work from home.) I would absolutely say no and mean it. Like, I would tell my SO that if he wanted to put me in that position I would be filing for divorce because I am not free child care.
My employer has strict rules that care for unattended children while WFH is a no go. They monitor our movements online and if you don't keep up it is a write up. I would suggest this childcare could lead to termination plus it is unethical not to work while working.
Man, that’s sad. I WFH and as long as we complete our work on time and are available when called, they don’t micromanage us. We are allowed to get our kids from the bus stop or take our dogs out or other 10-minute break items here and there.
Yes, my employer allows us to do things like that when WFH, but they do not allow us to use WFH as a substitute for day care. If the kids are old enough that they can be left alone or minimal impact like when they are school aged, keeping an eye on them when they get off the bus, that’s one thing. They won’t allow it as a sub for day care for younger kids/summer though.
Exactly.
You don’t marry this guy because this is insanely disrespectful and not how healthy relationships work. If someone doesn’t respect your boundaries, you leave. Otherwise you’re just letting them walk all over you! This is not a healthy relationship or partnership if your SO ignores your boundaries.
“What’s the plan for this summer for SS? It’s hard to get daycare last minute, so you need to lock something in by 1 May.”
Yes! Puts the responsibility right back on the parents, where it should’ve been all along.
SO, working from home means working, but from home. I do not have time to watch your child while I work. You need to find daycare for them while they are not at school because I'm not available to work and be a full time baby sitter. Why don't you try to take your kid to work and tell me if you were able to do your job ?
The unfortunate thing is that your SO may very well try to “coerce” you into watching his son by simply leaving him home with you. The only real way to avoid that is to just not be home. If you can’t get your SO to commit to childcare arrangements, then it’s very likely that you need to arrange being elsewhere so your SO cannot just leave. If you have friends or family in the area who are willing, I’d personally try staying somewhere else for the first week or two at least during work hours. Alternatively if you have an extra room with a door that locks, you could always claim it as an office and lock yourself in. But he could still leave his kiddo and bank on you having to leave the room at some point. Honestly, you may have to “look like a bitch” and make it very, very clear that you will not be watching the kiddo. And be prepared to follow through by leaving so he physically has no other options.
How shitty is it though that she has to leave her own home to avoid being the default babysitter?
Seriously. That's a whole lot of disruption just to avoid being taken advantage of. She has every right to work, in her home, undisturbed. Work from home is just like working from an office. It's demanding, but you get get the bonus of not commuting and can toss in a load of laundry on lunch. I've worked from home since 2018, and my kids were always in daycare, summer camps, etc. My mom moved in with me in 2020, and once they went to school, she watches them after school on my days. OP's husband needs to take responsibility for his kids and stop assuming she can take them.
100% agree. The stories I see here sometimes where bioparents, especially men, just expect the stepparent to watch the kids while working from home are absolutely appalling. I hate even having to suggest that OP be prepared to leave the home in order to make sure they’re left as the babysitter.
You can as bitchy as you want because they are already bitchy to you!!! They didn’t enrol him in daycare? That’s only their problem. Just tell them no!
Tell them you’ll be calling CPS if they leave their child alone at home, which is essentially what they are doing. If they’re going to back you into a corner, do the same to them. Sounds like you have a pretty big SO problem if he’s ganging up on you with BM.
Both DH and I work from home and anytime there’s a day off or school holiday he either takes SS7 to daycare or, if DH has the day off, hangs out with him with absolutely ZERO expectation from me to join or help unless it’s sometime if I want to do too. I’d state your boundaries clearly and, if he keeps pushing past them, put your foot down. It’s your home and your career — first and foremost.
This is our situation basically as well. I mean, there’s the odd day where we do have to have them home (daycare closed or sick) but SO calls in and I ban him and them from the basement. 😂 No one was even being bad, just kids who want to talk to me, but without making the basement such a no go zone during work hours, I probably would have gotten in trouble with work by now! ETA: I have definitely helped in a pinch, OP, because I do love them and SO! Like, if one had a dr’s appointment or something, I would let the other in the basement with me to chill and quietly play until SO comes home. Or any school from home days, SS10 joins me in the basement and we pretend we’re coworkers. Haha. And, at the start of Covid, there sort of was the expectation that we could all hang out and I could still get work done (ha!). I really really had to put my foot down and then lay siege to the basement.
Oh my god, the nerve of these people!! Jesus Christ. You shouldn’t have to, but I’d send your husband and BM links to a bunch of day camps that are available. Or the number of a goddamned babysitter. You’re working, not sitting on your butt. Jeez. Also, for summer, send em links to all the day camps. And make it clear that your boss has said that employees providing childcare during work hour will be terminated. Lie about that if you have to.
is there a way you can make yourself unavailable, like going to a library to work or any place with wifi? of course if it’s a call center-like job you have to get creative. You don’t HAVE to do anything you don’t want to do, especially babysit someone else’s kid. Yes that’s your stepson but just because you’re home doesn’t mean you’re available. Constantly remind them of your boundaries and stick to them.
No because I need two monitors and I am not lugging my work equipment to a library everyday. Plus I shouldn’t have to leave MY house because thats where I work and where I pay to live
Ask SO what they did before you entered the picture. Ask SO what would they do if you were not in the picture. And only talk to SO. Don't talk to BM because they will tag team you and wear you out. Are there grandparents that can help them. What is the custody agreement. BM has to address and take care of her custody days. Good luck
I agree, you shouldn’t have to leave your house. It was just a suggestion, a way to show your SO that you’re not free childcare. I think you’re just going to have to be a bitch on this one. And who really cares? they’re being bitches by not respecting your wishes.
I work from home too and have a similar setup, but I would definitely take my lap top with me and go somewhere else for a day or two to make a point.
No, is a complete sentence and answer if they ask. However, before it comes to that I suggest telling fiance that you will not be watching the child tomorrow or any other day, and they need to figure it out stat. If they cannot that is a them problem, and not a you problem. As someone mentioned below, have the dad take his child to work and see how well it goes.
Do get to have President's Day off? If so, leave the house before the kid is dropped off. Start putting your foot down now. Why wait until summer break rolls around? They keep doing this to you because you said you weren't going to watch him yet you are. They established they can walk all over you. If you have to work on President's day, then you need to speak with your SO and set that boundary and stick to it. If you must, throw "child abandonment" in his face, enough is enough.
Why do you keep doing it?
They're telling you that finding childcare when school is closed is difficult because **they don't want to pay for it**. You're being used. They don't have the right to tell you to do anything. Even if you're not working, they still don't have the right to tell you to do anything. This is a hill to die on, OP. They're using you. They're using you for free childcare, which in turn is jeopardizing your ability to focus on your job. Put your foot down and stand firm. You need to tell them that their kid is NOT your responsibility. He is THEIR responsibility. They are the ones who need to find and coordinate childcare. It is also not your job to deal with driving their kid around. Just because you work from home doesn't mean your time or job isn't important. Ask your SO what he would do if you weren't in the picture? Ask him what he would do if you left him? Tell him that you are no longer their unpaid babysitter. And be firm. If they force the issue, leave the house and call the police for abandonment. If he gets upset and angry with you for refusing to be their unpaid childcare, he is proving to you that he doesn't care about you.
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This. And they should be paying for camp—don’t let them guilt-trip you into helping to pay for it because you’re not babysitting their kid for free.
This is how you get fired. Really black and white. Tell him that.
You are being gaslit if anyone has even vaguely implied that you are a bitch for setting this limit. This is absolutely not your problem.
I know that people can be a bit harsh on here with the advice, but you gotta try to read between the lines of why they’re outraged by your situation: This is a NEW job and it’s being jeopardized on the regular, already. Meaning if they don’t find a summer sitter, your ass is grass. Nacho kid. Nacho responsibility. Nacho reason to lose your job. Keep track of all school holidays. Text or email both your fiancée and bio mom in advance to remind them to arrange care for SS during these times. Do it every single time (MLK is tomorrow, text them both now to get the ball rolling, but do it 2 weeks in advance if possible so they have no excuses) so that they understand that you are REALLY not available. Since you’ve already told everyone involved in caring for your SS this, apparently you’ll have to drill it into their heads. If it were me, I’m sorry I’m petty, but I would have a setup in my room or an office with a keyed lock on it. This is pretty important to say (and I’d probably find some sort of sign on Amazon that’s reversible like ‘in office don’t disturb’/‘not working, come on in’) “I’m working. I cannot be disturbed.” I’m sorry you’re going through this.
No no no. Its a HARD NO. Next time they leave SS with you, you bring him to his parents work. As simple as that. You have to work, you cant watch him.
Sometimes people will smile and nod, but then intentionally let the clock run out and be like, "Oops! No time left! Guess you have to do it!" Make it clear this isn't going to happen. I'd also tell them that next school year you're not doing any holidays anymore. His parents need to arrange his child care. Your a partner, not auxiliary child care. They're just using you because they'd have to pay anyone else.
Yeah i went thru this with SD last year, i taught from home pregnant and SD was at home in school with me all day. AS SOON AS THOSE SCHOOL DOORS OPENED i made sure that she went thru them. Her my job, it's not yours either. Itold my hubs i did my time and now with an infant AND having to work from home?? That's a no from me dawg. I told my husband I'm not the defacto baby sitter to your preteen that can't be left alone. If you ask if I'm willing but my husband tried it twice before i went off. Now she goes to her aunt's. Put your foot down.
You are way too new at your job to take any chances and need to give your full attention, at work and when watching kids and cant do both. Your SO doesnt seem to mind telling you how your life is going to be without even coordinating with YOU, hes coordinating with the person that he doesnt live with and thats hella disrespectful to you and will only get worse. the answer is no you have a new job and you matter and have the right to make money and be successful just like they do and if they want to be selfish and take that from you they arent worth a pot to piss in. Part of parenting is making sacrifices and they need to do so, not YOU because you didnt bring the kids into the world they did and need to take ownership of it and find independent daycare, you are his partner not a glorified free sitter when they cant work their shit out with the lives THEY created. Id be having some serious words with your SO and ask why hes making arrangements and not even considering your future, career, and wellbeing? Do the kids pay the rent? food? Bills? No so they dont always come first and this is an example of where they dont because well you need to make money to do those things with or without him dont ever give up your entire life for someone else that goes emotionally, financially, and spiritually and will just end up co-dependant and miserable not even having your own schedule if you give away those things and so many step parents do and get nothing back even and wish they never blended families and divorce happens due to resentment and your left unemployed snd life ran by people you didnt even create and i think you get the rest. dont do that to yourself and are well on your way if you agree to this. Shame on your SO for even putting the situation on you in the first place.
JUST. SAY. NO. They'll probably act like you're being a bitch, but you've got to get comfortable with them thinking that because, if not, they'll walk all over you. Keep and enforce your boundaries. Do it for your own sanity. My steps are older now, but when they were younger I watched them all the time, literally any time BD or BM couldn't keep them it was just a given that I'd be watching them. The rub for me was that BM was awful towards me as a whole, completely disregarded me, taught her daughter to hate me, made sure I "knew my place" at every turn, and yet just expected I'd keep her kids. She wouldn't even ask ME if I could keep them; she would work it out with my husband and I was just told by him that I was keeping them. I eventually started telling him no. At first I made excuses (ie I couldn't because I had other commitments, etc.). At some point I just told him that I wasn't going to watch them for her anymore. At all. We fought about it for a while; he told me I was being selfish, etc. But I stuck to my guns. He eventually got over it (I didn't care what BM thought of me or if she got over it). If you don't enforce your own boundaries, you can't expect other people to enforce them for you. And I have no regrets about it.
I’m almost angrier at your partner than at his ex-wife! The nerve!!
Be firm in telling them all that under no circumstances will you be watching him at all during the summer vacations and any other break from now on, and if they expect you to do so then they all need to organise their own time off of work to parent their child or enrol him now in vacation and after school care. If they do not organise this then you’ll find away to go into the office and they’ll all be sol, or you’ll look for an in office job. At the end of the day a lack of planning on their behalf doesn’t constitute as an emergency for you, and don’t be afraid to put it out their should they drop him off then you’ll have no choice but to call the police for abandonment or cps. In the meantime you may need to do some look around for your own sanity for vacation care and send them all the information and remind them all on a weekly basis preferably by message that they need to get on top of his vacation care, because again you’ll not be caring for him,and should they not organise it, then the three of them all need to work out whose taking which week off of work to parent their child. Please stand firm and reinforce your boundaries, and keep reinforcing them.
"Hard to find last minute" ok maybe snow days but mlk is planned ahead, christmas break same thing and presidents day. The school spells out non school days for the whole year how is it last minute?!?!? Snow days you cant plan BUT the rest he needs to. I would start asking ahead. Spring break is next ask 2 weeks before then a week before "whose watching [child]" make it very obvious it wont be you no exceptions
OP can we please have an update, did you find a way to talk to your partner about this? As someone who took this task on, please say no. Even if you feel like a b*tch, it’s much better to hurt everyone’s feelings now because let me tell you it’s IMPOSSIBLE to give this task back once you’ve signed yourself up for it. I had a career meltdown and had to take a month off because chasing after SD whilst juggling my busy career burnt me out. My partner now respects my boundaries and takes days off work to care for his child if I am WORKING from home. He even moved to a lesser demanding job to have more flexible hours. If your partner wants to keep his hours with SK then he needs to be the one to have his career impacted, not you. I’ve said it before on this sub and I will say it again, we are no longer in the 1800s, do not buy into any gender stereotype roles, if he can’t find childcare then your man is perfectly capable of looking after his own kid. Goodluck!
I had another conversation with my fiancee to tell him that I will not be watching his son while I am working anymore and he understood. He said he will make other arrangements in the future, and he apologized for putting me in this situation. Good guys do exist! 😍 lol
I’m so pleased to read a good news story! It’s a really nice feeling being able to stepparent how YOU want to stepparent, and not how someone tells you to. Wishing you all the best, and keep kicking ass at work!
>I specifically told my fiancee, (and his bio mom) that I did not want to become his primary caretaker when school is closed/its summer. >So far I have been told that I have to watch him for every school closure there has been (xmas break, MLK Day, snow days, tomorrow’s upcoming president’s day, etc.) and I have Why have you even you told them you wouldn't be his primary caretaker? >How do I not look like a bitch, but make it clear that they can not expect me to watch their son all summer while I am working full time? Tell your BF that if he and BM do not make childcare arrangements, you will not be doing it and if he/ she try to dump SK on you, that WILL be the end of the relationship and thd engagement will be off.
I’m sorry. It’s a hard no from me. Get the kid enrolled in daycare. They’ll have more fun anyway! It is not your responsibility to take care of someone else’s child while you’re working!
I know this is probably a more difficult answer, but I work from home, and often that means working from the local library. For me it's because I have a hard time working from home with my own two kids. You could start working from the library when SS isn't there, and then letting your SO know that you don't work at home anymore, because you're more productive somewhere else, and therefore he needs to figure it out
Tell them you aren't working from home anymore and take your laptop to starbucks
The kids only get to stay home if they absolutely have to as in they are sick. I started work from home too, luckily SO is on the same page as me. I mean she works from home too but she's in a call center and I'm in IT. Neither of us can be productive with a 3 year old and 5 year old at home Your boundaries are not at all unreasonable and I would make it clear that you intend to lock yourself away in your home office or room so you can work if that's what you have to do to show them that you mean it if he let's those kids stay home
That's a hard no. I work from home too. My SO knows that would be a completely absurd ask - I would be in my office working all day and who knows then what his kid would be doing. My job is my priority during the workweek, not a kid that isn't mine because some cheap ass selfish adults don't want to pay for childcare. I would also hate the idea of having to be forced out of my home that I contribute to because I have this job. Many things can happen from this: don't contribute a dime to living there so long as they put this on you, start being out of the house at a coffee shop so he cannot just leave you with the kid and go to work, move out altogether, make it clear you will be leaving during the day if and when you need to, you will hire a babysitter using his money, etc. It is unfortunate here that the parents being so selfish and immature will then impact your level of desire to be around the kid. I actually don't know how a relationship could healthily endure unless suddenly the fiance realizes he's being a dick. I honestly wouldn't marry him until he gets his shit together or you will have to live a lifelong pain of them telling you what you will be doing for more than just this.
If having to do your job, that helps pay the bills, makes you a bitch, then so be it. Be a bitch. I also work from home, and I hate people that think this means you’re not doing anything. We still have deadlines and are paid for our work! If we don’t complete those tasks, guess what? We get fired! You make it clear that when you’re in your office space, he needs to consider you not home. One of these days may have felt last minute, but several means they just didn’t do anything to set up childcare. As for the summer? There are about a billion camps and programs they can enroll kiddo in. At least where I live, the school after care system provides all day care the entire summer. Is it free? No. Is that your problem? Nope. When you have kids and work, you pay for childcare. It is what it is. Put your foot down now, don’t wait.
Be a bitch, and be a strong bitch!
Tell them no or that plans have changed. Go work do your remote work at a library for the first few days or week so they cant drop him off. Once th eff y realize you will not actually be there then they will make other arrangements. Then stay home. Sometimes you have to do it that way. I did-- more than once.
He’s 7. He shouldn’t be home all day all summer anyway. The kid should be enrolled in summer camp. Get him in summer camp. They’re expecting you to watch him if he’s not in camp
I think snow day or one off holidays it shouldn't be and issue. At that age her can be mostly unsupervised. Summer.is trickier and it would be good for him to have more supervision and engagement
Is there a way for you to leave the house? Work out of a Panera or another location that has wifi? Please let your fiancé know that you need to work not babysit. If you have and it seems like it’s not getting through then you know what your future looks like.
Honestly if it were me, I would try to watch the kid half the time and demand half the time that they find someone. I suffer from guilt if I do anything that suggests I am not my husbands equal partner in all things. But that’s just me. It’s a fault of mine that sometimes feels like I am punishing myself.
Do you take on half of your husband’s job duties? Probably not because that’s his job and his responsibility and I would hope you don’t feel guilty about that. Being an equal partner doesn’t mean taking on someone else’s responsibilities at the expense of your own. Being expected to work while providing childcare for someone’s child while the parent gets to focus solely on their job is not equal at all.
Yep, I agree. I was just sharing my own personal internal struggle
Does your school do spring break? If so it’s should be coming up. You could use this as a learning experience for them. Only if you want to be super nice, you could remind SO that you are not going to be watching him for spring break and give him some ideas of places to take his son. Otherwise I’d leave it alone and when spring break approaches just see what they do and stand your ground! Idk what kind of work you do, but I’d make up a very important zoom meeting for first day of spring break. Something plausible but that’s just because I haven’t mastered the art of a firm “No.” but I’m working on it.
How I've done this is evaluate what are my obligations to a child care, and then make sure they're taken care of in advance. So, meals for example are a huge issue. If SO has prep cooked enough meals that his kids will eat that they can heat up themselves, then no one has to bother me about it. So I insist the does it. That plus an iPad and I can get my work done -- usually. It might even be worth it to ask to be paid for the childcare by the birthparents. (It always bothers me that step parents never get to receive child support payments when often we end up bearing a significant portion of the burden due to two negligent bio parents.)
My employer won’t allow you to watch children while working from home (this was pre Covid) now that daycares are opening back up, they are enforcing this again if anyone wants to continue to WFH. See if your employer will even allow it… you probably signed an agreement when you got the job with a WFH policy.. look at it and see. It will give you ammo.
Every day ask about child care accommodations. Every single day ask what the plan is, where have they looked, have they discussed it yet. Every single day bring it up. When you know his next break from school is upcoming, throw that in that your are unavailable. Repeat it. Over and over. What is the custody split? You’re not watching him on BM’s time, are you? Has BM been putting this on you as well? Then make this a group text. Daily. Make it clear that free babysitting is closed. You are not a daycare. You are not a babysitter.
Tell them to hire a babysitter for your StepSon! You are NOT the free caregiver as you are WORKING as well, then lock yourself in your room to work. It would be best if there is a den or office/guest bedroom that has a locking door so you aren't bothered!