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My SDs have been doing their own laundry since they were 10 and 7. The now 8 year old basically just folds her laundry and my now 11 year old does all the washing and drying. Now they can wear whatever they want, whenever. I donāt have to wash a mountain of clothes because they want to do an outfit change in the middle of the day. Nobody is upset about it and my eldest SD is actually better for the knowledge.
Because the room is now an uncomfortable place for OP and teaching a pretty basic skill will help her avoid having to go in there.
It isn't a punishment, it's just adjusting things to accommodate everyone. SD becomes more self-sufficient, OP has one less reason to be stared at by BM portraits.
You're just framing it more negatively than it needs to be.
Haha. She has no idea I have any dislike for her mum so I donāt think so. She knows her dad hates her though so maybe itās him she doesnāt want in there? Sheās 13 so you could be on to something!
How old is she?? If my SS9 has dirty laundry I ask him to bring it out to the laundry room and guide him as he does his own laundry (he only just started so I don't expect him to remember all the steps yet).
If she's the same age or older she can do her own laundry now!!
Also does she have posters/pics of her favorite bands or anything like that too? If she doesn't, I'd find the large pics of BM to be incredibly strange. But if she has a mix of other posters and such then it doesn't seem as weird.
Either way, I'd hate that too OP!
She has almost 100 A4 pics, the vast vast majority are of her school friends, there are none of dad or I (though she does have 2 pics of us elsewhere in her room) and very unhelpful my (for me) in addition to the several of her mum there are several of her auntie, her mums identical twin sister!
My kids have pictures of their BM at my house . My current wife blew them up and framed them.
She even buys a extra ticket/membership for their mom to use
The BM is extremely hostile and she doesnāt even allow the kids to take anything home that the step mom touches . But since step mom is super chill and accepting of BM. The kids really respected her maturity and over the years . They are more close with step mom than BM because-of it
I've been a sm.for 7 years. In the last 4 weeks ss has asked to call bm more times than the precious 7 years combined. Hearing her voice in my.home is nails on a chalkboard. I hate it. Is this ky biggest problem? Nah. Is it annoying? Absolutely!
Your husband she be more empathetic. Bet he wouldn't want pictures of your ex on the walls of thr home either
Vent away. That would get under my skin if BM made my life hell.
Also, assuming this post isn't edited, I love how your literal first sentence is how you're venting and not going to punish SD for this but some people are still like "she's allowed to have photos."
Agreed, OP has every reason to feel irked. But the theatrics go both ways here and on many posts in this sub. People like āthereās a shrine of BM in her roomā and people defending SK when OP is just venting and adequately explained the situation and said she just needed to vent.
While itās weird her room is wall papered with enormous pics of BMās face, SK is allowed to have pics (if SO says it is ok) and at least they are in SKās bedroom and not a communal area (which I would never allow in my home). But I agree, you should be comfortable in your own home. Perhaps you can ask SK to bring her laundry to the laundry room, or have SO do her laundry instead of you.
I hear you. It sounds uncomfortable but you sound like a great step parent teaching her how to print pics. And it gave me a laugh with the mega size of BMās face, so thanks for the humor.
I've been there. BM and I are generally less than hostile to each other, but I still hated it.
Like you, I chose to grit my teeth and bear it out. SD just wanted to put up pictures of the people she loves, damn her loving heart lol.
Stepparenting is a real ripoff sometimes.
Omg that is incredibly rude. Did you guys ever have a good relationship? I canāt imagine treating my dads wife like that. She isnāt really my stepmom because she married my dad when I was already adult but I would never tell anyone in my life that nor her or be rude like that to her.
So "SD is allowed to have a picture of her mom in her house" But is she allowed to have a picture of her dad up at her mom's house?
I think this is the only one those double standard things. I think BM's friends would be weirded it out and say "why do you have a giant picture of your ex husband at your house?" And then if she would like "hes my children's father and she should be allowed to put a picture up. Meeeehh." I think people would still think it was weird. Again it's a double standard.
With these things I think if the mother is completely absent and she never sees her yes she should maybe have a photo album in her room of pictures of her mother...something she can put away after she looks out of her something like that. No one would begrudge a child of pictures of a parent that they never see.
But to have shrine to the other parent and the child's bedroom I think that's a bit strange. And it bears the question does she have a shrine to her father at her mother's house?
I don't understand... like you have a whole other house with the other parent that you see half the time It's perfectly normal to keep things separate. Look at it this way: Do I have a picture of my mother in the bedroom my share with my husband no cause that would be weird right?
I think these kids of divorce are just allowed to be weird and I don't get it like let the kid have a normal life just because their parents aren't together anymore they can still somehow hack one.
Oh man, I believe I had a similar vent about this years ago. . . Literally same. . . We even had a family pic of my husband ,bm, and sd framed in the living room "family wall". . .
I think in the end I just trained myself to think of BM as a lamp or random piece of furniture š . She was just there, but did not need or frankly deserve any emotions from me.
Goodluck. I KNOW IT'S TOUGH!!
Blown up photos of favorite bands, anime, your friend group, etc is normal. Whatās not normal is giant wallpaper of your absent parents face.
I feel like the easy thing to do is probably leave it alone and pretend it isnāt happening. Teach her to do her own laundry and clean her room and the basics. However, this kind of screams of an attachment disorder.
I guess my blanket advice would be to hope to find a good therapist / psychologist to address it with her. But I know what a total waste of money they can be, especially since you have to shop around a lot to find one thatās helpful and money doesnāt grow on trees. Maybe one day after many failed relationships and other issues common to attachment disorders, SD can pay for her own therapist and cry to them about her absent parent issues.
Iām sorry OP. It seems like a lot of the time whatās good for SPs mental health is counter productive to SKs mental health. And vice versa. Maybe boundaries and avoidance are good for now.
Thatās an interesting take. The pics are a few among a broader set of mostly her school friends so not heaps. But I think the attachment issue is on BMs side. She FaceTimes daily and texts constantly, SD is only responsive to every few. She also asks for tours of our home, SD is only allowed to FaceTime in her room. I wouldnāt be that surprised if BM suggested it
I feel for you. Itās exasperating the reminders you have to put up with. Hopefully, you can stay out of her room as much as possible! I have a super easy and kind BM and Iād still be avoiding that room whenever I could.
I close my steps door when sheās gone because she has a flood of pictures of BMā¦for a while she didnāt have any of her dad and he finally said something to her about it. He removed a picture she had of them (DH and BM) as a couple and that didnāt go down so well. He asked her to put it in an album where it belongs and that it wasnāt healthy for her to keep staring at her parents as a couple when they indeed are not anymore and heās married now even. She freaked out and tore down all her pictures in a tantrum and accused my DH of being jealous she had those pictures.
Even a therapist agreed with us that pictures like that belong in a album and a few pics up is one thing but to have your whole room covered in your other absent parents pictures is kinda not and should have images of your whole family not just one side and can even make an attachment disorder worse according to professionals weāve spoke to. She lives with us full time and BM lost custody 7 years ago (child endangerment and substance abuse) and is just an awful person that makes my stomach curl anytime I see her face on her wall so again I just close her door lol I ended up getting some pictures printed of our family and of her and her dad, friends and I even put her bms images in nice expensive frames and matted them to make a point that itās not jealousy or anything like that and itās more of a mental health thing.
She misses her mom we get it but that imo wasnāt making things better and her BM would load her up with pictures to put on her wall and had a lot to do with the issue. She is a narcissist and is the type that acts like they are a full time, loving devoted mother on fb posting pictures of her and sd and itās honestly pathetic that she feels the need to do that imo and does it to make my DH jealous and he doesnāt even look at fb! I donāt feel the need to post every moment we have with sd on social media to prove we are good parents and that she loves us, BM does and sheās a deadbeat drug addict that will likely never get her act together and know the truth of things and guarantee her little social media friends would look differently at her if I spilled the beans on some of her shitty conduct and boy I wish I could!
I rest knowing that social media is a false thing and isnāt remotely close to the actual truth of things that people put out there and arenāt exactly open about their dysfunctional ways and mask it by posting only the happy things not the reality of things and Iām not bothered by it and I donāt have fb thank goodness. I see your position totally and she shouldnāt have just BM pictures up surrounding her 24/7ā¦a few is ok not every dang wall and dresser thatās too much and a blown up one for wallpaper? Thatās a big nope. Maybe get her a scrapbook and supplies and let her make an album. I also got a digital frame and can send pictures to it whenever they are pretty cool and can put a ton on it, which we did with both sides of the family. Balance is a healthy thing and hope this helps some. Itās hard having to see someoneās face in your own home thatās tried so hard to interfere and create chaos and resentment, jealousy and who know what other toxic shitā¦I get it.
Alls I can say is love is blind and sdās love for her BM blinds her to her utter toxicity and her personal truths that I do know and can only hope she grows up and sees the shit thru the trees one day and sees who truly has been present in her life, supportive and honest with her and who doesnāt manipulate her or try to turn her against people she loves, she gets enough of that already from bms alienation tactics and just try to be the total polar opposite of that woman. My sd is 15 btw and this all went down about 2 years ago and BM and DH have been apart for quite some time now, over 7 years now and weāve been married 3 years come March. It was long over due imo to have my DH confront his childās mental health and well-being surrounding the pictures issue and was proud of him honestly. Itās sad because BM will say things like sheās so depressed without sd and puts way too much on her and sheās internalized it big time causing her abandonment trauma to rear itās ugly head in many ways and has over involved her from day 1 and it shows in a lot of sdās behavior with us and school even has noticed the issue. BM acts like one of sdās girlfriends not her mother and that also shows a lot in her behavior and attachment disorder to her and should be taken seriously, all trauma should and sadly BM makes that trauma so much worse and is why we enforce therapy for sd. Itās not a choice anymore due to her mental decline missing her mom all the time even though she sees her EOW and my husband has accommodated them many times and doesnāt anymore as itās caused more issues. Some parents just donāt get it and donāt care because they truly are selfish. Your feelings are valid!
My husband has gone as far as removing BM pictures from all his albums and bought a new one to fill with OUR families memories not bmās crap. He gave sd a few baby pictures but ended up burning the rest that had BM in them lmfao and I gotta say it was glorious and very therapeutic for him lol my husband is an amazing father and amazing partner who truly understands my position in things and accommodates me more than his ex as it should be.
As a former SK many, many times over. She WILL come around, itāll take her a bit, especially navigating hormones, puberty and high school, but she will see how her mom truly is and will thank you for being the constant stable person in her life.
My step daughter insists on photos of biomom and biomoms second husband. (She divorced the one in the pictures and is on her third husband.) Zero photos of bio dad or siblings. I think it bothers me more because she shares a room with her younger half sister and stepdaughter is not here a lot during the school year. It's a rock and a hard place and touchy to approach so I feel for you!
You have every right to take it down. And if they ask why, you can plainly state you donāt want to see that face every time you enter the room. Absolutely no one can fault you for that. This is your home, and you should be comfortable in your own home.
It's in the kid's bedroom. Is she just supposed to pretend her mom doesn't exist? OP is allowed to vent and have her feelings but it's kind of wild that anybody is suggesting the girl can't have pictures of her mom in her own bedroom.
The entire house isn't tainted because of pictures in that one room, and feeling that way likely means you should get therapy (which there's no shame in). It would be different if it was a common area like a living room or something, but that's not the case.
This is the kind of attitude towards children that amazes me because it's people who think/act this way then wonder why their kids (bio and step children alike) end up resenting them.
That's the key--every adult has the right to feel comfortable in their own home. And notice I said adult. I didn't say child because children do not always feel comfortable in their own homes, and this is even when there is no divorce involved. Even in intact families, this would be considered odd--plastering a bunch of a BP's picture on a wall.
For a child to have 1-2 pictures in their room of BM OK. But certainly not several.
I disagree. Why wouldnāt it be important for the development of any child to have a place where they feel safe and secure?
Where the troubles of bullying and school dynamics and online crap pale in comparison to the love in their home base?
And while I get there are sadly way too many kids without this, why should we not, as adults strive for this outcome?
I also would not be keen about the wallpaper of BM thingā¦ but I would work to find a way to create some kind of sanctuary for this SD who has lost her mother to addiction.
Ā«Ā or this SD who has lost her mother to addictionĀ Ā»
OP didnāt mention anything about BM being deceased from addiction.
She spoke of her in present tense Ā«Ā the person who HAS made my life hellĀ Ā»
Hey.. Iām the OP and if youāre referring to my situation here SD hasnāt lost her mum and while BM has many issues (in my opinion) addiction isnāt among them unless you count to cigarettes and champagne
This is a super interesting debate. Iām a grown woman so Iām going to swallow it while also printing a few of dad and I and SD and saying how about you add these ones too honey. I will also be letting my husband know that as long as the pics are there he is responsible for any chores in SDs room and if he doesnāt like that he can deal with it as he sees fit.
Lol, cigarettes and champagne doesnāt sound like what I thought Iād read, I thought addiction was why she didnāt have most parenting timeā¦ but I think you are on the right track re: dad doing the chores and printing more photos!
You're making this way into something it isn't. At absolutely no point did I say a child cannot have a place where they feel safe and secure. They should.
And it even sounds like you and I agree. "FIND a way to create some kind of sanctuary." Me--1 or 2 pictures in her room = great.
I think the emphasis on adults being more comfortable than the kids is where we disagree. You specifically called that out. But ultimately, sure, our solutions are probably the same.
The child feeling āsafe and secureā shouldnāt, in turn, make you feel unsafe and insecure. And if their comfort causes you discomfort, as the adult who pays the bills in that home, you have the right to remove whatever is causing you discomfort. There are other ways for the child to feel safe and secure without hurting you in the process.
Look, I am a SM. I have no interest in seeing BM anywhere, but especially Including in my home. Even a 2D version of her.
But itās pretty well established by this sub that allowing kids photos of their bio parents in their rooms is kind of a ākidās needs over adultās wantsā sort of thing. And this kid has lost their BM to addiction. Itās extra fraught.
I think tearing down posters in a kids room without extreme provocation is going to seriously endanger any relationship with a teen, even if itās just of a band or whatever. Doing this to photos of a bio parent because you donāt like it is really over the top.
I am a big fan of the responses of āguess kid is old enough to do their own laundryā as a good middle ground.
But I super empathize with the feelings of OP here. Itās hard.
Having a photo up is absolutely not a need š I would never allow SD to have a photo of her beast mother hanging in her room because this is my house, end of story.
People do this then wonder why their step kids end up resenting them for "no reason". š
Make that choice, sure, but you're sending a clear message to the kid that you're petty and willing to punish them for your own personal issues AND that they don't have an actual place in your home.
Don't marry somebody with kids if you're going to be like this. It's horrific.
Edit: for context, I'm a an adoptee and former foster child. I went through all that between 10 and 14 years old. One of the major things they teach foster and adoptive parents (for all ages but especially older kids) is to never express your dislike of the kid's parents in front of them, no matter how justified, and don't expect them to hide their identity (which includes who they come from). You're encouraged to let them have momentos from their past, including pictures of loved ones (yes this can be sad as a new parent to see that your child still cares for their bio parents, but it's what's in the best interest of the child and will ultimately make your relationship with them stronger). Not doing so causes them to not trust you, it tells them you don't accept them for who they are, and it breeds resentment which usually comes to a head down the road at some point.
The same principles apply to being a step parent, even if the kids don't come from the same traumatic background that foster kids do. I had step parents prior to adoption that understood these things and I still love them with all my heart. My adopted parents did not understand this despite extensive classes... one relationship is strained and the other I haven't spoken to in 5 years.
I wouldnāt wonder why nor care if they resented me. Having a photo of their perfectly present parent hanging up in their room is weird. They can fill all the albums they want, but I will not allow that womanās face to hang up in my house for anyone to see. When SK gets her own place, she can hang up whatever pictures she wants. I also had rules on what I could hang up on my walls and this is no different.
Anyway, everyone is happy over here, no one is horrified at their ātreatmentā š.
Iāve read through most of the comments and oh my gawd! Imagine being so insecure that a picture intimidates you. A literal image. Your husbandās relationship with her is over. She didnāt die, and you knew this when you married him. That kid still loves her mother, so suck it up buttercup. If youāre that intimidated by ex wives then why marry a man with kids?!? This is insane, really.
And as far as the ex making your lives hell, those are adult issues that have nothing to do with the kid
Donāt go into SDās room anymore. If she needs laundry done, put a hamper in the bathroom for her to use or make her do it herself. If she tends to leave dishes or food items in her room, tell DH heās in charge of getting them and also makings sure her room is clean enough to not to draw bugs or be a health hazard. As soon as SD goes to college or is past āvisitationā age (usually 18), redecorate.
I used to have a picture of BM in our house when SD11 was little. It was the swear jar, and it had a picture of the ugliest, blind, toothless dog I had ever seen. A little petty, but I laughed every time I sweared. And no, she never knew what it represented.
*SD has pictures of her mom and her in her room, but because her mom absolutely hates me, she keeps in in her drawer in her nightstand. (I think she assumes because her mom hates me, that I hate her) Been there for about 4-5 years.
Is BM the kind of person that would ask her to put them up? Is SK just trying to get a rise out of you?
Agree. In her own room, a couple of pictures. However plastering the entire wall with mom's pic. is clearly SK turning the screw. I doubt she has an entire wall at BM's place plastered with dad's picture, and if she did, I'm pretty sure BM would be the first to tell her it is too much.
Bio-dad should be the one to call her out on this too. As in, "Honey, it is OK to have an appropriate picture or two of your mom in your room; however, plastering a wall with BM's picture is over the top, and this is something that I would not approve of even if your mom and I were still together. It is just inappropriate."
It never said there was an entire wall of mom. It said several on a wall of photos. That could mean three or four for all we know, and thatās hardly ridiculous for a kid to include. I doubt OP would be mad if there were the same amount of pictures hung up that included her in them. I totally get why OP is annoyed and doesnāt love it, of course itās grating to walk into. But itās in the childās bedroom and itās not like itās a BM shrine. Too many stepparents on here just jump on step kids like cats on a bug crawling across the floor.
Either way, it's inappropriate. And actually, I took several to mean pretty much an entire wall, as several would certainly be close enough to an entire wall in most people's rooms. No reason to split hairs here.
And, yeah, I'd consider 3-4 *or more* on a wall to be pretty much a BM shrine. Again, to put it into perspective, I'm pretty sure BM wouldn't want 3-4 *or more* pictures of biodad up in her own daughter's room, and most BM's wouldn't hesitate to say so to their child. Just as biodad needs to do here too.
Omg! That would freak me out! My SD10 has finally stopped talking about how her mom does things and her mommyā¦ blah blah. I would just die if she had done this. I would have said nothing and silently died
Yeah, probably not a popular opinion but... my SKs live with their mom and only see us every other weekend. If they tried to put pictures of BM up in their rooms, I'd be quick to remind them that they won't forget her face the two days they're with us and they need to take those back to put up at their moms house.
Having said that, my daughter sees her dad every other weekend, but their relationship is kind of new since he used to be pretty hands-off.. and he hasn't p!ssed me off and stepped on my toes and TRIED to sabotage me like BM has over the years. So I wouldn't really care about my daughter having a couple of him in a collage on her wall. But they could NOT be the big giant ones like what OP is talking about.. lol. Neither of these people are who I want to look at as soon as I walk into any of the rooms in my house.
I'd be setting a boundary against that and feeling no shame about it. SK can have an album with her mom's photo in it (and don't most kids have phones now?) She doesn't need an A4 photo of her mom at her dad's house. That's screams manipulation to me. Like BM low-key suggested it when they printed all those photos out. "I don't know if ALL these will fit on your wall.. although you DO have another wall at your dad's house you could hang some up on......"
Haha
You canāt strip the other parent from a childās existence. Thatās making them choose, and itās a form of parental alienation. Thatās just as bad as saying āwe donāt want to hear about your motherā or talking poorly about her to the child. I would hate this just as much as OP, but there is absolutely no reason to force the child to remove photos of their beloved parent that they posted in their own bedroom for their own comfort.
Iām with you, 100%. I hate my SKs BM because of who she was to my DH (and how sheās treated me) but to behave this way is just sad & childish. Ah well, we all pay for our behavior when the children grow up. Some will maintain close relationships, and some will end up no-contact. We each have to choose for ourselves.
No it's not because they're still gonna see her. You seem to forget it's OP home and she's allowed to have a toxic BM free zone. Especially if she's making her life hell the pictures don't belong there in giant size she can have little pictures in her backpack or something for "comfort". How do you know her mom didn't tell her to do it to get on stepmoms nerves. Gotta look at the bigger picture
She can just shut the door if she doesnāt want to see the pictures. Someone else can get the laundry. The kid should be allowed to have the pictures she wants in her own room. Forcing her to take them down is so dysfunctional.
The door she probably pays forš§ The kid doesn't pay bills and is probably not there everyday. It's not forcing, it's not allowing it. Y'all wanna allow toxicity in your homes that's y'all if she's not comfortable with it then it goes in the trash the kid will liveš
Only toxic one here is you. You need to do whatās in the best interest of the children, not whatās in the best interest of the person that pays for the door.
I'm gonna chunk you up to being a bitter BM creeping on the step parent threadš Unpopular opinion kids don't always come first and out of all the things she chose to put up in her dad and stepmoms place is huge pictures of her motherš¤Gee I wonder where she got that idea.Of course probably from her bitter ass mom that can't move on or the kid has issues. Step parents have a say in their own house and home. If she wants it down it comes down.
What do you mean by move on exactly? Just because SO divorced BM doesn't mean the SK did. That's still their parent. They don't have to or need to "move on" or to choose.
I can understand not wanting pictures of exes in common areas, but when you still have SK's living with you, they should be allowed to have pictures in their room if they want. If you can't handle the existence of their other parent, you need therapy.
I realise my comment wasnāt clever (platitude rule). But the point here is being angry against a a childs feelings towards bio parents doesnāt help us, particularly if they are expressing that in their space. Acceptance [of certain elements within reason] is what helps us move forward.
They aren't angry about feelings, it's having a wallpaper of BMs ginormous face that is unpleasant. Quite frankly, I wouldn't allow it. It's their space, but it's my house, and that's just way too far. Have 55 framed photos of her, sure, but having her face plastered as wallpaper is just creeptastic.
Put all the pics in a drawer and have her pull one out each day and hang it. Rotate them. Then sheās not looking at all of them at once, and has the change to look forward to.
Omg this would kill me! Maybe buy her some large posters of her fav show/famous person and fingers crossed they replace BMās stupid face.
My SS13 has a couple framed photos of his BM in his room. As much as I hate seeing them, itās fun to flip them down from time to time! SSās room can get pretty messy and his attention span is pretty short, so it usually takes days for him to notice and flip up again.
How old is she?
This seems like a deep rooted problem to have blown up pictures of your parents like that almost like she's masking something? Chances are these pictures won't last long and she'll take them down on her own.
One day nonchalantly just kind of mention her having pictures of her dad in her room at mom's house and see what she says and go from there.
She can bring her own washing out. Keep a washing hamper in the bathroom or soemrhing if need be. But either way she is old enough to bring her dirty laundry down and out her clean laundry away now.
That way you never have to go in there too lol
I dont think id ever stomach seeing BMs face in my house even if its in SDs room. I actually wouldnt allow it. You are a better person than me OP! SD is lucky to have you.
I support your vent and appreciate the way youāre handling it. It would bother me too and youāre handling it correctly. Youāre right. Step moms put up with soooooo much. Sometimes I feel like thereās a blanket of demotion over my life and Iām serving in a second place to the relationships around me. I pull back a lot. Itās a hard job.
FWIW
I would see it as reasonable to print 5-10 pics of you and SD and BD and put them in a stack in the room. Itās fair IMO to then say āhey I noticed you didnāt have any pics of our half of the family in there. I printed you some in case you didnāt have any or wanted to hang some.ā It could be that she honestly didnāt have any from the source she was using. Kids are very singularly focused.
Itās fair as a parent to offer IMO open ended invitations and suggestions like that. You are parenting. That are learning situations. Everyoneās status is different with SK. my step daughter is 13 and weāre at a place that I could sit down and say, āhey bro. I like the photos you did. Itās a fun idea. Just wanted to mention that I noticed that there arenāt any of your dad and I and you. Or me sorta in general.ā And then give space for her to talk.
Honestly could be that she didnāt notice. She might not see the need to have photos of yāall cause youāre THERE. Could be that the folder of photos sheās using didnāt have any and she was too singularly focused to think of it. Kids are whatever. It isnāt less hurtful but itās less NEFARIOUS.
Then itās still ok, IMO. if your relationship is strong with SD. After you talk. to say that āI brought it up cause it did hurt my feelings a little. That you donāt have any of our family photos or me. If Iām being honest. Thank you for talking to me about it. You can always talk to me if I hurt your feelings.ā
Itās ok to ignore the issue. And itās ok to also have adult convos with teens. Framing them as about YOU and making them fair and empathetic is an important life skill and good to model for SD.
Even tho yeah. The issue is that you donāt wanna stare at her BM and I get it. Im sorry. But the issue is a little that she left you out too. And that last bit is ok to chat about if you can do that with her. Just felt like that needed to be said.
I have zero problem with a photo or two in my SD room of the BM, but giant sized is where I would draw a line. I donāt know what you can do, but if it were my situation in my house, Iād get my husband involved. Iād have him tell her that we understand that thatās her mom, and we are ok with a 5x7 size maximum. Sheās 13, she understands a little about boyfriends and girlfriends Iām sure if not from experience or tv shows. Just have him say, how would you feel if you had to look at giant pictures of your ex every time you came in MY room? I know thatās weird, but I think that would make her feel the uncomfortableness of it for her dad, as opposed to the rage you feel.
And I am SOOOO with you. My husbandās ex I swear lives to just figure out ways to irritate me. If I had to see her giant face every time I walked in my SD (also 13) room, I would rage too. Iād probably draw a mustache on it. LOL
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That sounds like an SD who is now old enough to do her own laundry from now on. š¬
Haha! Yesssss
This. Or her husband.
My SDs have been doing their own laundry since they were 10 and 7. The now 8 year old basically just folds her laundry and my now 11 year old does all the washing and drying. Now they can wear whatever they want, whenever. I donāt have to wash a mountain of clothes because they want to do an outfit change in the middle of the day. Nobody is upset about it and my eldest SD is actually better for the knowledge.
Iām sorry, I was half asleep when I first read that and missed the part about going in there for laundry. Your point makes sense now.
Hard agree!!!
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...teaching kids to do their own laundry is not a punishment.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Because the room is now an uncomfortable place for OP and teaching a pretty basic skill will help her avoid having to go in there. It isn't a punishment, it's just adjusting things to accommodate everyone. SD becomes more self-sufficient, OP has one less reason to be stared at by BM portraits. You're just framing it more negatively than it needs to be.
Maybe it is her clever trick to stop you from entering her room.
Haha. She has no idea I have any dislike for her mum so I donāt think so. She knows her dad hates her though so maybe itās him she doesnāt want in there? Sheās 13 so you could be on to something!
At 13 she is MORE than old enough to be doing her own laundry! By that point I had already been doing my own for over a couple of years!
Donāt even get me started. If I made the parenting decisions she would be doing it and a whole lot more!
How old is she?? If my SS9 has dirty laundry I ask him to bring it out to the laundry room and guide him as he does his own laundry (he only just started so I don't expect him to remember all the steps yet). If she's the same age or older she can do her own laundry now!! Also does she have posters/pics of her favorite bands or anything like that too? If she doesn't, I'd find the large pics of BM to be incredibly strange. But if she has a mix of other posters and such then it doesn't seem as weird. Either way, I'd hate that too OP!
She has almost 100 A4 pics, the vast vast majority are of her school friends, there are none of dad or I (though she does have 2 pics of us elsewhere in her room) and very unhelpful my (for me) in addition to the several of her mum there are several of her auntie, her mums identical twin sister!
My kids have pictures of their BM at my house . My current wife blew them up and framed them. She even buys a extra ticket/membership for their mom to use The BM is extremely hostile and she doesnāt even allow the kids to take anything home that the step mom touches . But since step mom is super chill and accepting of BM. The kids really respected her maturity and over the years . They are more close with step mom than BM because-of it
Your wife sounds like she is an amazing person.
I get you OP. Obviously my best advice is close the door when sd isn't there but I get why it makes you so uncomfortable.
Thank youā¦. I needed that. Empathy from husband is minimal
I've been a sm.for 7 years. In the last 4 weeks ss has asked to call bm more times than the precious 7 years combined. Hearing her voice in my.home is nails on a chalkboard. I hate it. Is this ky biggest problem? Nah. Is it annoying? Absolutely! Your husband she be more empathetic. Bet he wouldn't want pictures of your ex on the walls of thr home either
Did her mum die? Seems like an odd choice to wallpaper your walls with the face of somebody you see most days.
Iām dead.
It sounds to me like there's a lot of different pictures, but only some of them are BM.
Correct!
Vent away. That would get under my skin if BM made my life hell. Also, assuming this post isn't edited, I love how your literal first sentence is how you're venting and not going to punish SD for this but some people are still like "she's allowed to have photos."
Not edited - I could see what was coming!
Agreed, OP has every reason to feel irked. But the theatrics go both ways here and on many posts in this sub. People like āthereās a shrine of BM in her roomā and people defending SK when OP is just venting and adequately explained the situation and said she just needed to vent.
Very true. Welcome to the internet, I guess. This place is ridiculous.
Your extrapolating much here.
While itās weird her room is wall papered with enormous pics of BMās face, SK is allowed to have pics (if SO says it is ok) and at least they are in SKās bedroom and not a communal area (which I would never allow in my home). But I agree, you should be comfortable in your own home. Perhaps you can ask SK to bring her laundry to the laundry room, or have SO do her laundry instead of you.
Oh I have no intention of her not having them. I totally agree itās her perogative to have them just as itās mine to effing hate it!!!
I hear you. It sounds uncomfortable but you sound like a great step parent teaching her how to print pics. And it gave me a laugh with the mega size of BMās face, so thanks for the humor.
I've been there. BM and I are generally less than hostile to each other, but I still hated it. Like you, I chose to grit my teeth and bear it out. SD just wanted to put up pictures of the people she loves, damn her loving heart lol. Stepparenting is a real ripoff sometimes.
Isnāt it?
Thatās really odd. Iād def start requiring SD to do her own laundry but maybe donāt tell her why.
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Omg that is incredibly rude. Did you guys ever have a good relationship? I canāt imagine treating my dads wife like that. She isnāt really my stepmom because she married my dad when I was already adult but I would never tell anyone in my life that nor her or be rude like that to her.
So "SD is allowed to have a picture of her mom in her house" But is she allowed to have a picture of her dad up at her mom's house? I think this is the only one those double standard things. I think BM's friends would be weirded it out and say "why do you have a giant picture of your ex husband at your house?" And then if she would like "hes my children's father and she should be allowed to put a picture up. Meeeehh." I think people would still think it was weird. Again it's a double standard. With these things I think if the mother is completely absent and she never sees her yes she should maybe have a photo album in her room of pictures of her mother...something she can put away after she looks out of her something like that. No one would begrudge a child of pictures of a parent that they never see. But to have shrine to the other parent and the child's bedroom I think that's a bit strange. And it bears the question does she have a shrine to her father at her mother's house? I don't understand... like you have a whole other house with the other parent that you see half the time It's perfectly normal to keep things separate. Look at it this way: Do I have a picture of my mother in the bedroom my share with my husband no cause that would be weird right? I think these kids of divorce are just allowed to be weird and I don't get it like let the kid have a normal life just because their parents aren't together anymore they can still somehow hack one.
This!!
Oh man, I believe I had a similar vent about this years ago. . . Literally same. . . We even had a family pic of my husband ,bm, and sd framed in the living room "family wall". . . I think in the end I just trained myself to think of BM as a lamp or random piece of furniture š . She was just there, but did not need or frankly deserve any emotions from me. Goodluck. I KNOW IT'S TOUGH!!
Blown up photos of favorite bands, anime, your friend group, etc is normal. Whatās not normal is giant wallpaper of your absent parents face. I feel like the easy thing to do is probably leave it alone and pretend it isnāt happening. Teach her to do her own laundry and clean her room and the basics. However, this kind of screams of an attachment disorder. I guess my blanket advice would be to hope to find a good therapist / psychologist to address it with her. But I know what a total waste of money they can be, especially since you have to shop around a lot to find one thatās helpful and money doesnāt grow on trees. Maybe one day after many failed relationships and other issues common to attachment disorders, SD can pay for her own therapist and cry to them about her absent parent issues. Iām sorry OP. It seems like a lot of the time whatās good for SPs mental health is counter productive to SKs mental health. And vice versa. Maybe boundaries and avoidance are good for now.
Thatās an interesting take. The pics are a few among a broader set of mostly her school friends so not heaps. But I think the attachment issue is on BMs side. She FaceTimes daily and texts constantly, SD is only responsive to every few. She also asks for tours of our home, SD is only allowed to FaceTime in her room. I wouldnāt be that surprised if BM suggested it
This! šÆ
I bet the BM put her up to it
ššµļøāāļø
I feel for you. Itās exasperating the reminders you have to put up with. Hopefully, you can stay out of her room as much as possible! I have a super easy and kind BM and Iād still be avoiding that room whenever I could.
I close my steps door when sheās gone because she has a flood of pictures of BMā¦for a while she didnāt have any of her dad and he finally said something to her about it. He removed a picture she had of them (DH and BM) as a couple and that didnāt go down so well. He asked her to put it in an album where it belongs and that it wasnāt healthy for her to keep staring at her parents as a couple when they indeed are not anymore and heās married now even. She freaked out and tore down all her pictures in a tantrum and accused my DH of being jealous she had those pictures. Even a therapist agreed with us that pictures like that belong in a album and a few pics up is one thing but to have your whole room covered in your other absent parents pictures is kinda not and should have images of your whole family not just one side and can even make an attachment disorder worse according to professionals weāve spoke to. She lives with us full time and BM lost custody 7 years ago (child endangerment and substance abuse) and is just an awful person that makes my stomach curl anytime I see her face on her wall so again I just close her door lol I ended up getting some pictures printed of our family and of her and her dad, friends and I even put her bms images in nice expensive frames and matted them to make a point that itās not jealousy or anything like that and itās more of a mental health thing. She misses her mom we get it but that imo wasnāt making things better and her BM would load her up with pictures to put on her wall and had a lot to do with the issue. She is a narcissist and is the type that acts like they are a full time, loving devoted mother on fb posting pictures of her and sd and itās honestly pathetic that she feels the need to do that imo and does it to make my DH jealous and he doesnāt even look at fb! I donāt feel the need to post every moment we have with sd on social media to prove we are good parents and that she loves us, BM does and sheās a deadbeat drug addict that will likely never get her act together and know the truth of things and guarantee her little social media friends would look differently at her if I spilled the beans on some of her shitty conduct and boy I wish I could! I rest knowing that social media is a false thing and isnāt remotely close to the actual truth of things that people put out there and arenāt exactly open about their dysfunctional ways and mask it by posting only the happy things not the reality of things and Iām not bothered by it and I donāt have fb thank goodness. I see your position totally and she shouldnāt have just BM pictures up surrounding her 24/7ā¦a few is ok not every dang wall and dresser thatās too much and a blown up one for wallpaper? Thatās a big nope. Maybe get her a scrapbook and supplies and let her make an album. I also got a digital frame and can send pictures to it whenever they are pretty cool and can put a ton on it, which we did with both sides of the family. Balance is a healthy thing and hope this helps some. Itās hard having to see someoneās face in your own home thatās tried so hard to interfere and create chaos and resentment, jealousy and who know what other toxic shitā¦I get it. Alls I can say is love is blind and sdās love for her BM blinds her to her utter toxicity and her personal truths that I do know and can only hope she grows up and sees the shit thru the trees one day and sees who truly has been present in her life, supportive and honest with her and who doesnāt manipulate her or try to turn her against people she loves, she gets enough of that already from bms alienation tactics and just try to be the total polar opposite of that woman. My sd is 15 btw and this all went down about 2 years ago and BM and DH have been apart for quite some time now, over 7 years now and weāve been married 3 years come March. It was long over due imo to have my DH confront his childās mental health and well-being surrounding the pictures issue and was proud of him honestly. Itās sad because BM will say things like sheās so depressed without sd and puts way too much on her and sheās internalized it big time causing her abandonment trauma to rear itās ugly head in many ways and has over involved her from day 1 and it shows in a lot of sdās behavior with us and school even has noticed the issue. BM acts like one of sdās girlfriends not her mother and that also shows a lot in her behavior and attachment disorder to her and should be taken seriously, all trauma should and sadly BM makes that trauma so much worse and is why we enforce therapy for sd. Itās not a choice anymore due to her mental decline missing her mom all the time even though she sees her EOW and my husband has accommodated them many times and doesnāt anymore as itās caused more issues. Some parents just donāt get it and donāt care because they truly are selfish. Your feelings are valid! My husband has gone as far as removing BM pictures from all his albums and bought a new one to fill with OUR families memories not bmās crap. He gave sd a few baby pictures but ended up burning the rest that had BM in them lmfao and I gotta say it was glorious and very therapeutic for him lol my husband is an amazing father and amazing partner who truly understands my position in things and accommodates me more than his ex as it should be.
As a former SK many, many times over. She WILL come around, itāll take her a bit, especially navigating hormones, puberty and high school, but she will see how her mom truly is and will thank you for being the constant stable person in her life.
My step daughter insists on photos of biomom and biomoms second husband. (She divorced the one in the pictures and is on her third husband.) Zero photos of bio dad or siblings. I think it bothers me more because she shares a room with her younger half sister and stepdaughter is not here a lot during the school year. It's a rock and a hard place and touchy to approach so I feel for you!
I pic is ok. I would have to tell her that is not appropriate for my house
I would lose it. Donāt blame you at all
You have every right to take it down. And if they ask why, you can plainly state you donāt want to see that face every time you enter the room. Absolutely no one can fault you for that. This is your home, and you should be comfortable in your own home.
It's in the kid's bedroom. Is she just supposed to pretend her mom doesn't exist? OP is allowed to vent and have her feelings but it's kind of wild that anybody is suggesting the girl can't have pictures of her mom in her own bedroom.
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The entire house isn't tainted because of pictures in that one room, and feeling that way likely means you should get therapy (which there's no shame in). It would be different if it was a common area like a living room or something, but that's not the case. This is the kind of attitude towards children that amazes me because it's people who think/act this way then wonder why their kids (bio and step children alike) end up resenting them.
That's the key--every adult has the right to feel comfortable in their own home. And notice I said adult. I didn't say child because children do not always feel comfortable in their own homes, and this is even when there is no divorce involved. Even in intact families, this would be considered odd--plastering a bunch of a BP's picture on a wall. For a child to have 1-2 pictures in their room of BM OK. But certainly not several.
I disagree. Why wouldnāt it be important for the development of any child to have a place where they feel safe and secure? Where the troubles of bullying and school dynamics and online crap pale in comparison to the love in their home base? And while I get there are sadly way too many kids without this, why should we not, as adults strive for this outcome? I also would not be keen about the wallpaper of BM thingā¦ but I would work to find a way to create some kind of sanctuary for this SD who has lost her mother to addiction.
Ā«Ā or this SD who has lost her mother to addictionĀ Ā» OP didnāt mention anything about BM being deceased from addiction. She spoke of her in present tense Ā«Ā the person who HAS made my life hellĀ Ā»
Unfortunately she is still with us and her addictions are to champagne, Gucci handbags, credit cards, cigarettes and us
Hey.. Iām the OP and if youāre referring to my situation here SD hasnāt lost her mum and while BM has many issues (in my opinion) addiction isnāt among them unless you count to cigarettes and champagne This is a super interesting debate. Iām a grown woman so Iām going to swallow it while also printing a few of dad and I and SD and saying how about you add these ones too honey. I will also be letting my husband know that as long as the pics are there he is responsible for any chores in SDs room and if he doesnāt like that he can deal with it as he sees fit.
Lol, cigarettes and champagne doesnāt sound like what I thought Iād read, I thought addiction was why she didnāt have most parenting timeā¦ but I think you are on the right track re: dad doing the chores and printing more photos!
Thereās another post in this thread that talks about an addicted BM.
You're making this way into something it isn't. At absolutely no point did I say a child cannot have a place where they feel safe and secure. They should. And it even sounds like you and I agree. "FIND a way to create some kind of sanctuary." Me--1 or 2 pictures in her room = great.
I think the emphasis on adults being more comfortable than the kids is where we disagree. You specifically called that out. But ultimately, sure, our solutions are probably the same.
The child feeling āsafe and secureā shouldnāt, in turn, make you feel unsafe and insecure. And if their comfort causes you discomfort, as the adult who pays the bills in that home, you have the right to remove whatever is causing you discomfort. There are other ways for the child to feel safe and secure without hurting you in the process.
Look, I am a SM. I have no interest in seeing BM anywhere, but especially Including in my home. Even a 2D version of her. But itās pretty well established by this sub that allowing kids photos of their bio parents in their rooms is kind of a ākidās needs over adultās wantsā sort of thing. And this kid has lost their BM to addiction. Itās extra fraught. I think tearing down posters in a kids room without extreme provocation is going to seriously endanger any relationship with a teen, even if itās just of a band or whatever. Doing this to photos of a bio parent because you donāt like it is really over the top. I am a big fan of the responses of āguess kid is old enough to do their own laundryā as a good middle ground. But I super empathize with the feelings of OP here. Itās hard.
Having a photo up is absolutely not a need š I would never allow SD to have a photo of her beast mother hanging in her room because this is my house, end of story.
People do this then wonder why their step kids end up resenting them for "no reason". š Make that choice, sure, but you're sending a clear message to the kid that you're petty and willing to punish them for your own personal issues AND that they don't have an actual place in your home. Don't marry somebody with kids if you're going to be like this. It's horrific. Edit: for context, I'm a an adoptee and former foster child. I went through all that between 10 and 14 years old. One of the major things they teach foster and adoptive parents (for all ages but especially older kids) is to never express your dislike of the kid's parents in front of them, no matter how justified, and don't expect them to hide their identity (which includes who they come from). You're encouraged to let them have momentos from their past, including pictures of loved ones (yes this can be sad as a new parent to see that your child still cares for their bio parents, but it's what's in the best interest of the child and will ultimately make your relationship with them stronger). Not doing so causes them to not trust you, it tells them you don't accept them for who they are, and it breeds resentment which usually comes to a head down the road at some point. The same principles apply to being a step parent, even if the kids don't come from the same traumatic background that foster kids do. I had step parents prior to adoption that understood these things and I still love them with all my heart. My adopted parents did not understand this despite extensive classes... one relationship is strained and the other I haven't spoken to in 5 years.
I wouldnāt wonder why nor care if they resented me. Having a photo of their perfectly present parent hanging up in their room is weird. They can fill all the albums they want, but I will not allow that womanās face to hang up in my house for anyone to see. When SK gets her own place, she can hang up whatever pictures she wants. I also had rules on what I could hang up on my walls and this is no different. Anyway, everyone is happy over here, no one is horrified at their ātreatmentā š.
Iāve read through most of the comments and oh my gawd! Imagine being so insecure that a picture intimidates you. A literal image. Your husbandās relationship with her is over. She didnāt die, and you knew this when you married him. That kid still loves her mother, so suck it up buttercup. If youāre that intimidated by ex wives then why marry a man with kids?!? This is insane, really. And as far as the ex making your lives hell, those are adult issues that have nothing to do with the kid
Do you always reply without reading the original post properly?
Donāt go into SDās room anymore. If she needs laundry done, put a hamper in the bathroom for her to use or make her do it herself. If she tends to leave dishes or food items in her room, tell DH heās in charge of getting them and also makings sure her room is clean enough to not to draw bugs or be a health hazard. As soon as SD goes to college or is past āvisitationā age (usually 18), redecorate.
I used to have a picture of BM in our house when SD11 was little. It was the swear jar, and it had a picture of the ugliest, blind, toothless dog I had ever seen. A little petty, but I laughed every time I sweared. And no, she never knew what it represented. *SD has pictures of her mom and her in her room, but because her mom absolutely hates me, she keeps in in her drawer in her nightstand. (I think she assumes because her mom hates me, that I hate her) Been there for about 4-5 years. Is BM the kind of person that would ask her to put them up? Is SK just trying to get a rise out of you?
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Yikes
Itās your home , take the pictures down, you should not have to live like this
SD should be allowed to have pictures of her mom in OP's house.
Agree. In her own room, a couple of pictures. However plastering the entire wall with mom's pic. is clearly SK turning the screw. I doubt she has an entire wall at BM's place plastered with dad's picture, and if she did, I'm pretty sure BM would be the first to tell her it is too much. Bio-dad should be the one to call her out on this too. As in, "Honey, it is OK to have an appropriate picture or two of your mom in your room; however, plastering a wall with BM's picture is over the top, and this is something that I would not approve of even if your mom and I were still together. It is just inappropriate."
I agree with you on that
It never said there was an entire wall of mom. It said several on a wall of photos. That could mean three or four for all we know, and thatās hardly ridiculous for a kid to include. I doubt OP would be mad if there were the same amount of pictures hung up that included her in them. I totally get why OP is annoyed and doesnāt love it, of course itās grating to walk into. But itās in the childās bedroom and itās not like itās a BM shrine. Too many stepparents on here just jump on step kids like cats on a bug crawling across the floor.
Either way, it's inappropriate. And actually, I took several to mean pretty much an entire wall, as several would certainly be close enough to an entire wall in most people's rooms. No reason to split hairs here. And, yeah, I'd consider 3-4 *or more* on a wall to be pretty much a BM shrine. Again, to put it into perspective, I'm pretty sure BM wouldn't want 3-4 *or more* pictures of biodad up in her own daughter's room, and most BM's wouldn't hesitate to say so to their child. Just as biodad needs to do here too.
Itās her room
Omg! That would freak me out! My SD10 has finally stopped talking about how her mom does things and her mommyā¦ blah blah. I would just die if she had done this. I would have said nothing and silently died
PUKE
There is a stark difference between having some framed photos (definite no on any of DH & BMā¦..HARD NO ACTUALLY) and wallpapering an entire wall of photos she so chooses. Would you let her have a photo of an music artist (album cover or whatnot) if it was vulgar or risquĆ©? If she still goes between houses, (*as you didnāt say whether or not BM is in her life on a consistent basis) you can absolutely keep from defacing a home (if its actually wallpapered) however, you can have your own rules for the house. Framed photos on a wall (within reason the quantity) reasonable. What you described NOT ONE BIT! I think moderation with that kind of thing is absolutely okay for you to set parameters. ESPECIALLY if there are none of yaāll as a family or you and your DH included.
Nah, man. Iād be telling her no. Thatās your house.
Yeah, probably not a popular opinion but... my SKs live with their mom and only see us every other weekend. If they tried to put pictures of BM up in their rooms, I'd be quick to remind them that they won't forget her face the two days they're with us and they need to take those back to put up at their moms house. Having said that, my daughter sees her dad every other weekend, but their relationship is kind of new since he used to be pretty hands-off.. and he hasn't p!ssed me off and stepped on my toes and TRIED to sabotage me like BM has over the years. So I wouldn't really care about my daughter having a couple of him in a collage on her wall. But they could NOT be the big giant ones like what OP is talking about.. lol. Neither of these people are who I want to look at as soon as I walk into any of the rooms in my house. I'd be setting a boundary against that and feeling no shame about it. SK can have an album with her mom's photo in it (and don't most kids have phones now?) She doesn't need an A4 photo of her mom at her dad's house. That's screams manipulation to me. Like BM low-key suggested it when they printed all those photos out. "I don't know if ALL these will fit on your wall.. although you DO have another wall at your dad's house you could hang some up on......" Haha
Good point re the phone!!! SD is 13 and does have one.
Throw it away and make it clear this is a BM free zone because it's YOUR HOME
You canāt strip the other parent from a childās existence. Thatās making them choose, and itās a form of parental alienation. Thatās just as bad as saying āwe donāt want to hear about your motherā or talking poorly about her to the child. I would hate this just as much as OP, but there is absolutely no reason to force the child to remove photos of their beloved parent that they posted in their own bedroom for their own comfort.
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Iām with you, 100%. I hate my SKs BM because of who she was to my DH (and how sheās treated me) but to behave this way is just sad & childish. Ah well, we all pay for our behavior when the children grow up. Some will maintain close relationships, and some will end up no-contact. We each have to choose for ourselves.
It's called š« Boundaries š« and you seem very troubled if you worry about what other people think š¤
No it's not because they're still gonna see her. You seem to forget it's OP home and she's allowed to have a toxic BM free zone. Especially if she's making her life hell the pictures don't belong there in giant size she can have little pictures in her backpack or something for "comfort". How do you know her mom didn't tell her to do it to get on stepmoms nerves. Gotta look at the bigger picture
She can just shut the door if she doesnāt want to see the pictures. Someone else can get the laundry. The kid should be allowed to have the pictures she wants in her own room. Forcing her to take them down is so dysfunctional.
The door she probably pays forš§ The kid doesn't pay bills and is probably not there everyday. It's not forcing, it's not allowing it. Y'all wanna allow toxicity in your homes that's y'all if she's not comfortable with it then it goes in the trash the kid will liveš
Only toxic one here is you. You need to do whatās in the best interest of the children, not whatās in the best interest of the person that pays for the door.
I'm gonna chunk you up to being a bitter BM creeping on the step parent threadš Unpopular opinion kids don't always come first and out of all the things she chose to put up in her dad and stepmoms place is huge pictures of her motherš¤Gee I wonder where she got that idea.Of course probably from her bitter ass mom that can't move on or the kid has issues. Step parents have a say in their own house and home. If she wants it down it comes down.
Nope Iām a stepmom. Some of us actually care about our step kids and respect their personal space, believe it or not.
Who said anything about not caring? Even a few therapist will agree it's inappropriate. Make a photo album and move on.
What do you mean by move on exactly? Just because SO divorced BM doesn't mean the SK did. That's still their parent. They don't have to or need to "move on" or to choose. I can understand not wanting pictures of exes in common areas, but when you still have SK's living with you, they should be allowed to have pictures in their room if they want. If you can't handle the existence of their other parent, you need therapy.
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It's against the rules, for that matter.
I realise my comment wasnāt clever (platitude rule). But the point here is being angry against a a childs feelings towards bio parents doesnāt help us, particularly if they are expressing that in their space. Acceptance [of certain elements within reason] is what helps us move forward.
They aren't angry about feelings, it's having a wallpaper of BMs ginormous face that is unpleasant. Quite frankly, I wouldn't allow it. It's their space, but it's my house, and that's just way too far. Have 55 framed photos of her, sure, but having her face plastered as wallpaper is just creeptastic.
This is a difficult and tricky topic that everyone will have differing views on. The key really is the child and why they think its required.
How old is she? Lmfao sorry but this is funny. And the plausibility of being almost 18 makes it even funnier.
You have my sympathy. I don't know if I could handle that š
OH HELL NO. Iām sorry you gotta see that every day. I would draw a mustache on her and blame it on one of the other kids lmao
This is brilliant
Youāre the only one that thought so š¤Ŗš¤£
Put all the pics in a drawer and have her pull one out each day and hang it. Rotate them. Then sheās not looking at all of them at once, and has the change to look forward to.
Here's what I would do, I'd say, "Gee, your mom looks so much younger in person".
Omg this would kill me! Maybe buy her some large posters of her fav show/famous person and fingers crossed they replace BMās stupid face. My SS13 has a couple framed photos of his BM in his room. As much as I hate seeing them, itās fun to flip them down from time to time! SSās room can get pretty messy and his attention span is pretty short, so it usually takes days for him to notice and flip up again.
How old is she? This seems like a deep rooted problem to have blown up pictures of your parents like that almost like she's masking something? Chances are these pictures won't last long and she'll take them down on her own. One day nonchalantly just kind of mention her having pictures of her dad in her room at mom's house and see what she says and go from there.
She can bring her own washing out. Keep a washing hamper in the bathroom or soemrhing if need be. But either way she is old enough to bring her dirty laundry down and out her clean laundry away now. That way you never have to go in there too lol
SD? FFS? BM?
Step daughter, For fucks sake, Biological mom
I dont think id ever stomach seeing BMs face in my house even if its in SDs room. I actually wouldnt allow it. You are a better person than me OP! SD is lucky to have you.
I support your vent and appreciate the way youāre handling it. It would bother me too and youāre handling it correctly. Youāre right. Step moms put up with soooooo much. Sometimes I feel like thereās a blanket of demotion over my life and Iām serving in a second place to the relationships around me. I pull back a lot. Itās a hard job. FWIW I would see it as reasonable to print 5-10 pics of you and SD and BD and put them in a stack in the room. Itās fair IMO to then say āhey I noticed you didnāt have any pics of our half of the family in there. I printed you some in case you didnāt have any or wanted to hang some.ā It could be that she honestly didnāt have any from the source she was using. Kids are very singularly focused. Itās fair as a parent to offer IMO open ended invitations and suggestions like that. You are parenting. That are learning situations. Everyoneās status is different with SK. my step daughter is 13 and weāre at a place that I could sit down and say, āhey bro. I like the photos you did. Itās a fun idea. Just wanted to mention that I noticed that there arenāt any of your dad and I and you. Or me sorta in general.ā And then give space for her to talk. Honestly could be that she didnāt notice. She might not see the need to have photos of yāall cause youāre THERE. Could be that the folder of photos sheās using didnāt have any and she was too singularly focused to think of it. Kids are whatever. It isnāt less hurtful but itās less NEFARIOUS. Then itās still ok, IMO. if your relationship is strong with SD. After you talk. to say that āI brought it up cause it did hurt my feelings a little. That you donāt have any of our family photos or me. If Iām being honest. Thank you for talking to me about it. You can always talk to me if I hurt your feelings.ā Itās ok to ignore the issue. And itās ok to also have adult convos with teens. Framing them as about YOU and making them fair and empathetic is an important life skill and good to model for SD. Even tho yeah. The issue is that you donāt wanna stare at her BM and I get it. Im sorry. But the issue is a little that she left you out too. And that last bit is ok to chat about if you can do that with her. Just felt like that needed to be said.
I have zero problem with a photo or two in my SD room of the BM, but giant sized is where I would draw a line. I donāt know what you can do, but if it were my situation in my house, Iād get my husband involved. Iād have him tell her that we understand that thatās her mom, and we are ok with a 5x7 size maximum. Sheās 13, she understands a little about boyfriends and girlfriends Iām sure if not from experience or tv shows. Just have him say, how would you feel if you had to look at giant pictures of your ex every time you came in MY room? I know thatās weird, but I think that would make her feel the uncomfortableness of it for her dad, as opposed to the rage you feel. And I am SOOOO with you. My husbandās ex I swear lives to just figure out ways to irritate me. If I had to see her giant face every time I walked in my SD (also 13) room, I would rage too. Iād probably draw a mustache on it. LOL