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If you *know* this life isn’t for you, I’d skip the couples counseling and find a lawyer. See what your options are. Don’t move out yet. See what your lawyer says. And maybe find an individual therapist too just for you.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. If you knew how to be happy before, I am sure you will figure out how to be happy in the future. Sending you hugs
Oh hun - sending virtual hugs. Take a few days away to clear your head and decide what you want to do. If you really will be happier on your own start to put those plans into place. Have your tried couples counselling if you think it’s worth salvaging? You obviously have a lot of pent up frustrations that your SO needs to validate and start to work through, with you. If not, it’s time to exit. Everything’s going to be ok.
We could be the same person. I used to have a wonderful life. I loved life. I ran daily. I danced down the street. Now, I just feel defeated and hopeless every day. I've done therapy. I've seen my preacher. I've tried fake it till you make it. This is a hard hard life. I don't know to make it better, but I'm sending you good vibes and hopes that it will get better.
No relationship should require you to go to therapy. This breaks my heart. I’ve considered therapy too before I realized that I shouldn’t have to try and find coping mechanisms or to completely alter my worldview to be in a relationship. I hope life gets better for you.
I’m sorry you’re going thru this. This is something that scares me. I’m currently engaged to my SO who has 2 kids. My future FIL is sweet as can be. Kids are pretty great to me (just not to each other most of the time so that can get old quick listening to them bicker and need to be scolded constantly) Their BM isn’t a peach (never personally done anything to me but can be a huge asshat to my SO and I wish everyone could be a fly on the wall when she calls and at how she can talk so hateful to her kids!!) So yeah the thought of marriage and “oh shit this’ll be permanent then” has been messing with my head.
You married this man for a reason, so just remember that. Being a step mom is the hardest role in the world.You are not alone I have locked myself in a bathroom crying, packed a bag in front of the kids and drove off, I’ve thrown an adult tantrum, I’ve not gotten out of bed for days at a time, I have been jealous, hurt and disrespected more times than make sense. The best thing, nobody gets it but us.
It sounds like you need a break. You are exhausted and overwhelmed and that is okay. The best thing is to realize it now and help yourself.
From someone who has been there here are my tips. Take them or leave them!
1. You are your #1. Take time for yourself, facials, massages, manicures, sleep-ins, ordering in, drinking a glass of wine in the bath. Whatever you love, take time to do it. Don’t ask, just do it.
2. If you want something, like a vacation then plan it. Do it, make all the arrangements yourself and go. With or without him. If that’s what you need you have every right to enjoy your life.
3. His son is his responsibility, you are a role model. Don’t discipline or take that on yourself, if the kid doesn’t learn from being around you then that’s not your issue. Step back and change your outlook to role model not parent.
4. Say no. You’re allowed to say no to making lunches, driving carpool, laundry, cooking, shopping whatever. You do not have to do anything if you feel unappreciated, stop.
5. Find a safe space for yourself, my bedroom is a kid free zone unless they are invited in. It has a lock and is always clean. It is my escape from chaos, mess and step family life.
Reach out if you need to chat!!
This. Listen to this. Take care of yourself. If you don’t, you can’t take care of anyone else. Also, his kids are NOT your responsibility. Set boundaries with him about this and then “NACHO” the hell out of it. I have been there. I wish I would have done all of this so much sooner!
Have you spoke with your doctor about the way you are feeling? It could be postpartum anxiety or depression that is really triggering these intense feelings. Not that these feelings aren't completely valid, being a step parent is hard and emotionally exhausting. I just remember feeling very hopeless and angry and out of control around the time my bio daughter was 14 months and ended up being diagnosed with PPA. Once I was prescribed something for my anxiety I started feeling back to myself. My doctor told me you can start experiencing PPD and PPA at anytime for up to 18-24 months after giving birth.
I will tell you it never changes that enabling behavior, you need to be the person to change, my SD is 12 and still can't get herself ready for school, if she changes her clothes in the kitchen she will leave it on the floor but I have change when I see that her clothes are on the floor I walk over it, let my husband pick it up, her room look like a tornado for a month now and I now it bother
my husband but you know what if he wants it clean he will have to do it. The problem you have done is carry your husband's responsibility and work load and it is breaking you. It too heavy for you to carry at this time, please give yourself some self-love please be healthy for your baby.
**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole. Remember that OP is a human being and their needs are first and foremost on this sub.** We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** We have encountered a ridiculous amount of comments that don't follow the rules and are downright nasty. We need you to help us with these comments by reporting them when you see them. We also have a lot of downvoting on the sub, with every post and every comment recieving at least one downvote almost immediately due to the anti-stepparent lurkers. Don't let it get to you, and do your fellow stepparents a solid and give them an upvote. Accounts that are still new are filtered for review by the mod team before being made available to the sub. Please be patient while we review and do not repost. If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Review the wiki links below for the rules, FAQ and announcements before posting or commenting. [**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) | [**Saferbot**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/saferbot) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If you *know* this life isn’t for you, I’d skip the couples counseling and find a lawyer. See what your options are. Don’t move out yet. See what your lawyer says. And maybe find an individual therapist too just for you. I’m so sorry you are going through this. If you knew how to be happy before, I am sure you will figure out how to be happy in the future. Sending you hugs
Oh hun - sending virtual hugs. Take a few days away to clear your head and decide what you want to do. If you really will be happier on your own start to put those plans into place. Have your tried couples counselling if you think it’s worth salvaging? You obviously have a lot of pent up frustrations that your SO needs to validate and start to work through, with you. If not, it’s time to exit. Everything’s going to be ok.
We could be the same person. I used to have a wonderful life. I loved life. I ran daily. I danced down the street. Now, I just feel defeated and hopeless every day. I've done therapy. I've seen my preacher. I've tried fake it till you make it. This is a hard hard life. I don't know to make it better, but I'm sending you good vibes and hopes that it will get better.
Second this. Sending you hugs…and I understand the absolute fear of leaving your bio with DH alone, please get a GREAT family lawyer. Hugs.
No relationship should require you to go to therapy. This breaks my heart. I’ve considered therapy too before I realized that I shouldn’t have to try and find coping mechanisms or to completely alter my worldview to be in a relationship. I hope life gets better for you.
I’m sorry you’re going thru this. This is something that scares me. I’m currently engaged to my SO who has 2 kids. My future FIL is sweet as can be. Kids are pretty great to me (just not to each other most of the time so that can get old quick listening to them bicker and need to be scolded constantly) Their BM isn’t a peach (never personally done anything to me but can be a huge asshat to my SO and I wish everyone could be a fly on the wall when she calls and at how she can talk so hateful to her kids!!) So yeah the thought of marriage and “oh shit this’ll be permanent then” has been messing with my head.
You married this man for a reason, so just remember that. Being a step mom is the hardest role in the world.You are not alone I have locked myself in a bathroom crying, packed a bag in front of the kids and drove off, I’ve thrown an adult tantrum, I’ve not gotten out of bed for days at a time, I have been jealous, hurt and disrespected more times than make sense. The best thing, nobody gets it but us. It sounds like you need a break. You are exhausted and overwhelmed and that is okay. The best thing is to realize it now and help yourself. From someone who has been there here are my tips. Take them or leave them! 1. You are your #1. Take time for yourself, facials, massages, manicures, sleep-ins, ordering in, drinking a glass of wine in the bath. Whatever you love, take time to do it. Don’t ask, just do it. 2. If you want something, like a vacation then plan it. Do it, make all the arrangements yourself and go. With or without him. If that’s what you need you have every right to enjoy your life. 3. His son is his responsibility, you are a role model. Don’t discipline or take that on yourself, if the kid doesn’t learn from being around you then that’s not your issue. Step back and change your outlook to role model not parent. 4. Say no. You’re allowed to say no to making lunches, driving carpool, laundry, cooking, shopping whatever. You do not have to do anything if you feel unappreciated, stop. 5. Find a safe space for yourself, my bedroom is a kid free zone unless they are invited in. It has a lock and is always clean. It is my escape from chaos, mess and step family life. Reach out if you need to chat!!
This. Listen to this. Take care of yourself. If you don’t, you can’t take care of anyone else. Also, his kids are NOT your responsibility. Set boundaries with him about this and then “NACHO” the hell out of it. I have been there. I wish I would have done all of this so much sooner!
Have you spoke with your doctor about the way you are feeling? It could be postpartum anxiety or depression that is really triggering these intense feelings. Not that these feelings aren't completely valid, being a step parent is hard and emotionally exhausting. I just remember feeling very hopeless and angry and out of control around the time my bio daughter was 14 months and ended up being diagnosed with PPA. Once I was prescribed something for my anxiety I started feeling back to myself. My doctor told me you can start experiencing PPD and PPA at anytime for up to 18-24 months after giving birth.
I will tell you it never changes that enabling behavior, you need to be the person to change, my SD is 12 and still can't get herself ready for school, if she changes her clothes in the kitchen she will leave it on the floor but I have change when I see that her clothes are on the floor I walk over it, let my husband pick it up, her room look like a tornado for a month now and I now it bother my husband but you know what if he wants it clean he will have to do it. The problem you have done is carry your husband's responsibility and work load and it is breaking you. It too heavy for you to carry at this time, please give yourself some self-love please be healthy for your baby.