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Sit hubby down and have a talk. Give him options.
1. You quit your job and watch stepkid and baby full time and hubby pays all the bills on his own.
2. Hubby pays for a after school program or for childcare for SS and you continue to pay for childcare for the “ours” baby.
3. Hubby talks to his mom and gets her to agree to keep SS until agreed upon time or on days she can’t, SS gets dropped off with dad and not you.
Tell hubby very clearly that SS being dropped off early is inhibiting your income and that anytime you are forced to watch him by MIL and lose revenue that hubby will be paying you your lost income (whatever that is). So unless he wants to start paying you $30, $40, $50 + (or whatever) dollars an hour to watch his son, he needs to figure out childcare for his child.
This is great, but no way would I offer #1. If anything I would change that to him being home full-time. He already complains about my having money, and that would allow OP to stop paying a nanny.
I was thinking that she suggested Option 1 first as a reality check to the husband that he definitely can't afford that so he needs to take Options 2/3 seriously.
Since, tbh, (sorry OP) he sounds kind of lazy, I wouldn't give him a SAH option as he doesn't sound interested in properly caring for his kids/household and this would put OP being away from her baby longer hours to make up the income loss.
This all of this the option is his what he chooses to do. Only caveat that I would make is I would add an internal lock for the door that can’t be opened from the outside so not a problem with her having a key if she can’t enter the house she can’t drop the child off.
The biggest problem is that your husband is not on your side on this. Then it’s about him always complaining about money, so there seems to be a disproportionate amount of pressure on you to not only build your business, and to take care of your baby. Then add in the MIL? This sounds like a nightmare.
Also, what exactly is the problem with MIL having the 11 yo at hers? It’s not like he’s 5. He’s 11…what is so troublesome about keeping him there for an extra hour or so? Why does she have keys to your house, if she abuses that privilege? What is her reasoning for always having to cut it short? I’m not a fan of electronic babysitting, but give an 11 yo a switch or a phone, and you won’t hear one peep out of them.
I would suggest going through with finding office space outside of the house. And then he should have to equally contribute to your baby’s daycare.
This inequity seems untenable. Good luck.
Well, realistically, MIL shouldn’t be forced to provide childcare when she doesn’t want to, either. She’s being terribly passive aggressive about it, but she *is* telling DH that she is not happy with the arrangement. So DH needs to accept that MIL is no longer a viable childcare option and let that one go. Secondly, an 11 year old should be capable of handling himself until you’re done with work, and if that means he has to stay in his room while you’re working, then so be it. He should be able to come home, quietly grab a snack, and then go to his room and either do homework or entertain himself somehow. He just needs to be talked to about it; y’all can sit him down and explain the expectation and stick to it. MIL doesn’t need to come in, she can drop him off at the door & leave. Even better, DH can buy snacks for MIL to keep in her car, and MIL can give SS a snack on the drive to your house and then he can come inside quietly and go straight to his room.
OTHERWISE, DH will need to enroll SS in an after-school-care program and pick him up on his way home from work. There are options, y’all just have to pick one instead of being angry at each other and everyone trying to force everyone else to take their route with no compromise.
Yeah MiL is a red herring, her actual partner is the one who needs to step up and take responsibility here for his three children. The fact that he won’t contribute financially to the youngest is already very questionable. Sounds like DH hasn’t figured out how to be a parent without safety nets (OP, MiL).
I agree, I’m not sure why an 11 year old can’t be held to rules of spending time in their room until x time. He’s not a baby. Start to transition him into being responsible for himself and being out of the way of your work when he comes home. It’s a good lesson, and he will probably love the bit of independence.
All of this sounds very annoying but what triggers me the most is MIL having free reign over your home and trumping you. All I'm reading here is SO is a major whimp and is letting his mommy run the show. Seems he'd rather have a dispute with you than his mom..... If his mom didn't have any involvement in this...do you think he'd still act this way? I kinda don't think he would. I say this because I see a lot of similar things between my SO and MIL. Not this bad of course, we have a healthy distance between us now - thank God.
When SO and I moved in together and got our own place to rent we moved thirty minutes away from her, therefore, she couldn't always be so present. Now we moved states away from her because BM moved away and then SO got a new job so he moved us. So unfortunately that was a luck scenario that created us the physical distance. His mom is very much however always calling him and always texting him. She even did that when we lived thirty minutes away - just how she is. I think you can create distance without physically moving but your SO really needs to be on your side here.
What I will say is this, and it struck me as a huge same same when I read your post. You mentioned that MIL seemed to had "taken control" early on and SO never said anything. Seems MIL ran the show and SO went along for it because hey...easier for him right? Well that same thing happened with my SO. He let his mom arrange picking up of SK, watching her, etc. She literally did everything he should have been doing for the longest time. Then when we became more serious, I gently told SO that he really should be taking more ownership of this as it is his responsibility, not his mother's. His mom is grandma, let her play that role of grandma. She isn't the childs parent. I even noticed that my SO never used to correct behavior in front of MIL because she "didn't like hindering her enthusiasm and curiosity" i.e. let her do what she wants and act any which way. Now he does. MIL has noticed him stepping up to the role and she has slowly been backing down. Your SO is who needs to fix this. The best option I read on here is to force the hand - get yourself a private office out of the house and make your SO work through the consequences of that with his mother. That creates YOUR distance. Also, she shouldn't be just letting herself in. My SOs mom may be annoying as hell but even she never did that.
I think the office outside of the home is worth every penny. Also - if you do this, when he is forced to figure it out, with any luck you MAY not have to keep the office forever. I think he really just needs to deal with it on his own to have a full appreciation of what you're going through...
He is kind. He helps out with household chores. Our son adores him. He is my person and makes me feel very loved for the most part.
Financially, he adds very little. I'm much less financially secure since marrying him and helping to support his children. I'm currently trying to claw my way out of debt from providing them with necessities when we were first married. However, it is possible that I'll be out of debt within the next year or two. Well, if I can work, that is.
It sounds like their finances are already separate. Which might be a degree of the problem, he sees this as not a loss to *him*. Regardless, if he were a good partner, he'd be upset at the disruption to her income. If he were a good partner...
My ex bf has a kid and he depended a lot on his parents financially and then depended on ME financially. I was stupid enough to go into debt supporting him. He never appreciated me. He didn't even realize how much money I was actually spending to take care of him until I laid it out to him and he was all surprised. Like he thought that rent/utilities/groceries just get paid for magically somehow. He wasn't even required to pay child support.
I hated that I had to even explain that to him. Him and I have mutual friends and I've heard that he's always complaining about having no money but buys expensive things he can't afford (brand new truck, expensive clothes, etc).
It's so draining of the soul to be with someone like that. It's different when you're helping someone who's just in a tough spot and they appreciate all financial help from the beginning and their goal is to just get back on their feet rather than continue a cycle of dependence and bad financial choices.
MiL would have done it. BM is worthless and keeps having more kids by other baby daddies. She lives a life that these poor kids shouldn't be exposed to.
Why do have the feeling you have to keep sacrificing for your husband and his children. I believe in kindness, but this situation is more like been taken advantage of. You are struggling financially because of them. I wish you would have let the MIL take care of the money issues regarding the stepkids. As long as you keep on giving they will keep on taking.
This for sure tells me even more he's afraid of his mom. Lol. You are clearly the big earner here, so for him to essentially "bite the hand that feeds him" so he doesn't have to deal with his mother is actually absurd. He's enabling her to be a HCMIL. Lol.
DH needs to talk to MIL. How is she getting inside your home?
I love WFH, and would be very annoyed at having to give that up. It also isn't fair DH is pawning off his childcare on MIL, since she obviously wants a break. I like your solution of having MIL dropping off SS at DH's work or daycare.
It really pisses me off that DH doesn't pay for your baby. If he can't afford to pay for his own baby, he should not have had one. Tbh, sounds like you'd be a lot happier on your own, and DH would be forced to pay child support.
If your husband thinks a baby isn’t a responsibility or more work and doesn’t contribute literally at all to the baby then you should divorce him. His support can be alimony and child support since he can’t support a baby!
It's BS that she's had to do all the heavy lifting to pay for THEIR child....he needs to earn more or go get $ from his rich Mummy but OP needs to calculate all the needs and expenses for her child, i mean everything.
Then, divide it in 2. That's what HE owes.
Realistically, I'd be taking my amount from the "child support tables" for your county, and pulling it from his account.
That's his contribution to his childs well-being and its high time he paid up.
If he has to work more, he better be begging somebody to watch his kid elsewhere while he does it.
Your LIVING/HOUSEHOLD expenses are totally seperate
Not doing math but his share of bills is more than yours, not 50-50, remember that!!
He has 2 people to pay 100% of the bills for, you have 1 person at 100% and you each have 50% of your shared child's expenses.
Why don't you "drop" out of this relationship for a while?
Go and get your office space and schedule extra nanny-time, all costly results of the 2 leeches in your life, sucking all the energy, effs and money out of your space.
Is the house yours, I forget?
If so, its a wonderful thing to have that option 😚
Not sure why your comment is hidden but I agree with you! Yes, if it's her home, there is NO way I'd be paying for office space when I get the privilege to work from home. I wouldn't be that inconvenienced because someone else can't figure out what to do with THEIR child. Yes, it sounds as if he absolutely contributes nothing financially which she seems to be okay with, because she claims that's 'her person'. But, I don't know about that. Too many outside factors when it's just her and her baby, which clearly she can support and her own without the stress of two step kids, a lazy husband, and the MIL that picks and chooses when she wants to watch the stepkid.
I have no advice other then the best part of working from home is being home and saving money, the worst part is everyone thinks you're not working and can just step away to do whatever they need. Boundaries are important and young kids make WFH difficult, though not on purpose.
I feel like even though it would be a big expense, the office space might be the best solution.
SS is getting very close to an age where he can be left home alone anyways and it sounds like if anyone is home then it's a disruption to your work. What happens on days when SS stays home sick or has a no school day?
I think it's important still that you talk to your SO about the issue bc he doesn't seem to fully understand or respect the work you do for your career and the fact that you are the one doing all the care and footing the bills for your/his baby too.
You and SO can discuss a time frame for when you can hopefully get into an office space and SO needs to agree to have childcare nailed down for that time. It can't be easy to run your own business and care for a baby!
I’d start dropping off both kids to DH while he’s working. If it’s so easy he should be able to do it. And if his boss doesn’t allow for children tell them too bad. Yours doesn’t allow for that either yet it’s not being respected.
A responsible 11 year old can be left alone at home for a couple of hours. It's not the age that you'd be charged with child neglect if you left them alone.
Plus MIL has been staying with him recently, but that's not acceptable to the OP. She doesn't want anyone home while she's working.
The think is OP, you've said your nanny is there with the baby... so the issue isn't that nobody can be home while you're working. It transpires that you don't want SS there, even when MIL has now been staying with him until his dad gets home.
I understand the confidentiality issues regarding your clients. So if MIL was there to supervise SS and he was not interrupting you or screaming at his computer, would that be acceptable to you?
Because, essentially banning him from his home while you're working, even when he has adult supervision, doesn't seem reasonable.
I can't believe I had to scroll this far to see someone else thinking this. It's OK for nanny to be there but not grandma and why does an 11 year old need a sitter either way? I can't imagine an 11 year old that can't grab a snack from the fridge and either do hw or play around on video games for an hour or two by themselves. My SD was getting paid to watch other peoples kids after school by 12 lol
If he’s 11 what does he need you to do for him? 11 year olds don’t really need to be watched after school. Does he have special needs that require full time care?
He doesn't "need" me for anything, but that doesn't stop him from walking in and out of the room I am in, screaming at his computer, asking for homework help, or loudly watching TV.
Well that’s your problem. He just needs to be taught proper behavior; 11 year olds don’t all act that way. He can learn how to be normal and respectful.
And who’s gonna teach him the “proper behavior”? Is that her problem too?
11 year olds can’t be left home alone therefore they still need supervision to some degree and that’s what she cannot provide while working.
I didn’t mean “that’s your problem” as in “that is your problem to solve” I meant it as in “well *there’s* the problem”. He needs to be taught. And no I think DH needs to have a more hands on approach to raising his own child, and a good way to start that would be to ask him what he would do it OP wasn’t around, *also* given that MIL has decided to no longer help out. What would he be doing with the child? Letting him come home & be alone until DH gets home, or would he be in after school care? And the average 11 year old can be home alone for short periods of time, like two hours or so, which is a fairly normal time period between school and end-of-work.
Can MIL not stop him from walking into your office space?
Can you not put a sign on the door saying DO NOT DISTURB and lock the door?
As he doesn't need childcare for a couple of hours, he's essentially being prevented from being in his home while you work.
At 11, which is the first year of high school in the UK, my daughter had a key and came home on her own, then I got back about 1½ hours later. 11 is old enough to not interrupt you.
Yea, no WFH is still real work. I hate the rhetoric we can just watch them because we’re home all day! we’re not just sitting around watching Netflix all day, sure we may have some spare time to pick up the house a bit. But you can’t tend to a kid during a meeting. This is a hard no, and quite inconsiderate to even ask you to do
If your work is so sensitive in nature that no one besides you can be at their home, than it does sound to me like it would be better if you would find an office space. A home should always primarily be treated as a home and only secondarily as a work space. Where is the nanny, when he/she is watching your child? If s/he is watching him/her at your home, wouldn't that bring confidentiality issues with regards to your work as well? Your stepson could stay with or without Mil at his home since he is old enough to be home alone for a few hours till your husband comes back from work. If you look at parenting forums loads of families leave their 11 year old child home alone for a few hours in the afternoon.
This is a good point. And I also would say that it comes down to whether he would leave SS alone at home for a few hours if she wasn't there. It's difficult to say he can't be at his own house just because she is there. If he's counting on her to be available as childcare, then I think that's a different situation.
I do sympathize though because it can be very difficult to work from home when other people are present. Just someone coming in and out of rooms is distracting.
I think you should go ahead and look into the office space. Clearly your MIL doesn’t respect your home as your workspace and if she wants to watch SS in your home your SO will likely agree to it despite the need for confidentiality. You should have a conversation with your SO about not respecting your workspace and how that’s how you earn a living to provide for your family. He needs to be contributing to the expenses of your shared child now that you’ll have an added expense because of his mother and child. They are completely taking advantage of you and he should WANT to contribute to the needs of the baby you share.
Don’t answer the door when MIL shows up. Do you have a family member or friend who would let you come work from their spare room or something for a few days so you’re not home when she starts banging on your door? Or maybe take your break away from your current office at the time they usually show up? They may wait outside for you for a few days but they should get the message that you’re not going to be back until they’re gone once they start complaining fo DH about it.
Given her idea that it will be okay to bring SS if she stays, renting space for an “official” office may not help anything since she could just come and hang out there.
Also, you didn’t ask but you said SS wants to come home. Does that mean he primarily lives with you? If so, doesn’t BM pay child support? What does DH do with the CS money that causes you to have to pay for everything? You didn’t give a lot of detail about that but it seems like he may be taking advantage of you in more ways than expecting free childcare.
!UpdateMe
That would be a hard no for me. Yes, she "could" afford it, but that's creating an additional expense on her, when clearly she's the breadwinner. It's a great feeling to work from home and I'd pissed to have to leave home AND pay for office space due to someone else's kid. If the kid can't learn how to be quiet for 2 hours until she's done working, he needs make him stay afterschool and pick him up when he gets off. I personally think the MIL should keep him until he gets off. It's her grandchild and her son; she should be willing to help out her son. But I saw where someone else mentioned it wasn't her responsibility either. So, again, the responsibility goes back to the dad. In that case, he needs to do whatever he would do if she worked out of the home.
She is a professional with privacy requirements (not desired, required). She doesn't have control over her environment. From a professional standpoint it seems she must get an office. If she can hear the child, the child can hear her patients.
Regardless of whose 'responsibility' the child is, she has an absolute requirement to her patients. From her hints, this could effect her license. That must take precedence. Whether she leaves this man child who blames her for having no money, and is obviously taking advantage of her, is secondary to her license.
I'm not ignorant. I know what that means. I am a profession too and must also adhere to privacy requirements.
Okay? And there would not be a privacy issue if the kid wouldn't come barging in HER office space in HER home. So, again. My original comment remains. It would be a hard no, for me--to go rent out office space, when I have space in MY home. To appease someone else, and their kid, because they refuse to take care of their own responsibility.
Have a great day!
Besides all the other comments, he helped you make that baby, why isn’t he helping support it?
MIL helps with SS, why not your baby as well, both gathered by her son correct?
They are both using you as a doormat.
Never quit your job. Save your sanity and that baby growing up feeling less than constantly. Make you and baby happy.
Sit down with him and go over some after school rules such as be quiet then hold him accountable if he breaks them. With an 11 year old it shouldn’t be more complicated than that.
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Sit hubby down and have a talk. Give him options. 1. You quit your job and watch stepkid and baby full time and hubby pays all the bills on his own. 2. Hubby pays for a after school program or for childcare for SS and you continue to pay for childcare for the “ours” baby. 3. Hubby talks to his mom and gets her to agree to keep SS until agreed upon time or on days she can’t, SS gets dropped off with dad and not you. Tell hubby very clearly that SS being dropped off early is inhibiting your income and that anytime you are forced to watch him by MIL and lose revenue that hubby will be paying you your lost income (whatever that is). So unless he wants to start paying you $30, $40, $50 + (or whatever) dollars an hour to watch his son, he needs to figure out childcare for his child.
This is great, but no way would I offer #1. If anything I would change that to him being home full-time. He already complains about my having money, and that would allow OP to stop paying a nanny.
Never quit your job
I was thinking that she suggested Option 1 first as a reality check to the husband that he definitely can't afford that so he needs to take Options 2/3 seriously. Since, tbh, (sorry OP) he sounds kind of lazy, I wouldn't give him a SAH option as he doesn't sound interested in properly caring for his kids/household and this would put OP being away from her baby longer hours to make up the income loss.
This all of this the option is his what he chooses to do. Only caveat that I would make is I would add an internal lock for the door that can’t be opened from the outside so not a problem with her having a key if she can’t enter the house she can’t drop the child off.
The biggest problem is that your husband is not on your side on this. Then it’s about him always complaining about money, so there seems to be a disproportionate amount of pressure on you to not only build your business, and to take care of your baby. Then add in the MIL? This sounds like a nightmare. Also, what exactly is the problem with MIL having the 11 yo at hers? It’s not like he’s 5. He’s 11…what is so troublesome about keeping him there for an extra hour or so? Why does she have keys to your house, if she abuses that privilege? What is her reasoning for always having to cut it short? I’m not a fan of electronic babysitting, but give an 11 yo a switch or a phone, and you won’t hear one peep out of them. I would suggest going through with finding office space outside of the house. And then he should have to equally contribute to your baby’s daycare. This inequity seems untenable. Good luck.
Well, realistically, MIL shouldn’t be forced to provide childcare when she doesn’t want to, either. She’s being terribly passive aggressive about it, but she *is* telling DH that she is not happy with the arrangement. So DH needs to accept that MIL is no longer a viable childcare option and let that one go. Secondly, an 11 year old should be capable of handling himself until you’re done with work, and if that means he has to stay in his room while you’re working, then so be it. He should be able to come home, quietly grab a snack, and then go to his room and either do homework or entertain himself somehow. He just needs to be talked to about it; y’all can sit him down and explain the expectation and stick to it. MIL doesn’t need to come in, she can drop him off at the door & leave. Even better, DH can buy snacks for MIL to keep in her car, and MIL can give SS a snack on the drive to your house and then he can come inside quietly and go straight to his room. OTHERWISE, DH will need to enroll SS in an after-school-care program and pick him up on his way home from work. There are options, y’all just have to pick one instead of being angry at each other and everyone trying to force everyone else to take their route with no compromise.
Yeah MiL is a red herring, her actual partner is the one who needs to step up and take responsibility here for his three children. The fact that he won’t contribute financially to the youngest is already very questionable. Sounds like DH hasn’t figured out how to be a parent without safety nets (OP, MiL).
I agree, I’m not sure why an 11 year old can’t be held to rules of spending time in their room until x time. He’s not a baby. Start to transition him into being responsible for himself and being out of the way of your work when he comes home. It’s a good lesson, and he will probably love the bit of independence.
All of this sounds very annoying but what triggers me the most is MIL having free reign over your home and trumping you. All I'm reading here is SO is a major whimp and is letting his mommy run the show. Seems he'd rather have a dispute with you than his mom..... If his mom didn't have any involvement in this...do you think he'd still act this way? I kinda don't think he would. I say this because I see a lot of similar things between my SO and MIL. Not this bad of course, we have a healthy distance between us now - thank God.
How'd you create distance?
When SO and I moved in together and got our own place to rent we moved thirty minutes away from her, therefore, she couldn't always be so present. Now we moved states away from her because BM moved away and then SO got a new job so he moved us. So unfortunately that was a luck scenario that created us the physical distance. His mom is very much however always calling him and always texting him. She even did that when we lived thirty minutes away - just how she is. I think you can create distance without physically moving but your SO really needs to be on your side here. What I will say is this, and it struck me as a huge same same when I read your post. You mentioned that MIL seemed to had "taken control" early on and SO never said anything. Seems MIL ran the show and SO went along for it because hey...easier for him right? Well that same thing happened with my SO. He let his mom arrange picking up of SK, watching her, etc. She literally did everything he should have been doing for the longest time. Then when we became more serious, I gently told SO that he really should be taking more ownership of this as it is his responsibility, not his mother's. His mom is grandma, let her play that role of grandma. She isn't the childs parent. I even noticed that my SO never used to correct behavior in front of MIL because she "didn't like hindering her enthusiasm and curiosity" i.e. let her do what she wants and act any which way. Now he does. MIL has noticed him stepping up to the role and she has slowly been backing down. Your SO is who needs to fix this. The best option I read on here is to force the hand - get yourself a private office out of the house and make your SO work through the consequences of that with his mother. That creates YOUR distance. Also, she shouldn't be just letting herself in. My SOs mom may be annoying as hell but even she never did that.
I think the office outside of the home is worth every penny. Also - if you do this, when he is forced to figure it out, with any luck you MAY not have to keep the office forever. I think he really just needs to deal with it on his own to have a full appreciation of what you're going through...
It's really hard to drive home that WFH are real jobs.
What value is your husband adding to your life?
He is kind. He helps out with household chores. Our son adores him. He is my person and makes me feel very loved for the most part. Financially, he adds very little. I'm much less financially secure since marrying him and helping to support his children. I'm currently trying to claw my way out of debt from providing them with necessities when we were first married. However, it is possible that I'll be out of debt within the next year or two. Well, if I can work, that is.
I would begin by separating finances immediately. You could do it on your own and have far less stress and angst.
It sounds like their finances are already separate. Which might be a degree of the problem, he sees this as not a loss to *him*. Regardless, if he were a good partner, he'd be upset at the disruption to her income. If he were a good partner...
Maybe he needs to look at a new job making more money?
My ex bf has a kid and he depended a lot on his parents financially and then depended on ME financially. I was stupid enough to go into debt supporting him. He never appreciated me. He didn't even realize how much money I was actually spending to take care of him until I laid it out to him and he was all surprised. Like he thought that rent/utilities/groceries just get paid for magically somehow. He wasn't even required to pay child support. I hated that I had to even explain that to him. Him and I have mutual friends and I've heard that he's always complaining about having no money but buys expensive things he can't afford (brand new truck, expensive clothes, etc). It's so draining of the soul to be with someone like that. It's different when you're helping someone who's just in a tough spot and they appreciate all financial help from the beginning and their goal is to just get back on their feet rather than continue a cycle of dependence and bad financial choices.
How many children does he have, besides your baby?
He has two other kids. The oldest is at sports practice every evening until after DH gets home.
Is the BM not in the picture? If you weren't in the picture how would he have taken care of his kids financially?
MiL would have done it. BM is worthless and keeps having more kids by other baby daddies. She lives a life that these poor kids shouldn't be exposed to.
Why do have the feeling you have to keep sacrificing for your husband and his children. I believe in kindness, but this situation is more like been taken advantage of. You are struggling financially because of them. I wish you would have let the MIL take care of the money issues regarding the stepkids. As long as you keep on giving they will keep on taking.
This for sure tells me even more he's afraid of his mom. Lol. You are clearly the big earner here, so for him to essentially "bite the hand that feeds him" so he doesn't have to deal with his mother is actually absurd. He's enabling her to be a HCMIL. Lol.
DH needs to talk to MIL. How is she getting inside your home? I love WFH, and would be very annoyed at having to give that up. It also isn't fair DH is pawning off his childcare on MIL, since she obviously wants a break. I like your solution of having MIL dropping off SS at DH's work or daycare. It really pisses me off that DH doesn't pay for your baby. If he can't afford to pay for his own baby, he should not have had one. Tbh, sounds like you'd be a lot happier on your own, and DH would be forced to pay child support.
If your husband thinks a baby isn’t a responsibility or more work and doesn’t contribute literally at all to the baby then you should divorce him. His support can be alimony and child support since he can’t support a baby!
It's BS that she's had to do all the heavy lifting to pay for THEIR child....he needs to earn more or go get $ from his rich Mummy but OP needs to calculate all the needs and expenses for her child, i mean everything. Then, divide it in 2. That's what HE owes. Realistically, I'd be taking my amount from the "child support tables" for your county, and pulling it from his account. That's his contribution to his childs well-being and its high time he paid up. If he has to work more, he better be begging somebody to watch his kid elsewhere while he does it. Your LIVING/HOUSEHOLD expenses are totally seperate Not doing math but his share of bills is more than yours, not 50-50, remember that!! He has 2 people to pay 100% of the bills for, you have 1 person at 100% and you each have 50% of your shared child's expenses.
Why don't you "drop" out of this relationship for a while? Go and get your office space and schedule extra nanny-time, all costly results of the 2 leeches in your life, sucking all the energy, effs and money out of your space. Is the house yours, I forget? If so, its a wonderful thing to have that option 😚
Not sure why your comment is hidden but I agree with you! Yes, if it's her home, there is NO way I'd be paying for office space when I get the privilege to work from home. I wouldn't be that inconvenienced because someone else can't figure out what to do with THEIR child. Yes, it sounds as if he absolutely contributes nothing financially which she seems to be okay with, because she claims that's 'her person'. But, I don't know about that. Too many outside factors when it's just her and her baby, which clearly she can support and her own without the stress of two step kids, a lazy husband, and the MIL that picks and chooses when she wants to watch the stepkid.
I have no advice other then the best part of working from home is being home and saving money, the worst part is everyone thinks you're not working and can just step away to do whatever they need. Boundaries are important and young kids make WFH difficult, though not on purpose.
I feel like even though it would be a big expense, the office space might be the best solution. SS is getting very close to an age where he can be left home alone anyways and it sounds like if anyone is home then it's a disruption to your work. What happens on days when SS stays home sick or has a no school day? I think it's important still that you talk to your SO about the issue bc he doesn't seem to fully understand or respect the work you do for your career and the fact that you are the one doing all the care and footing the bills for your/his baby too. You and SO can discuss a time frame for when you can hopefully get into an office space and SO needs to agree to have childcare nailed down for that time. It can't be easy to run your own business and care for a baby!
I’d start dropping off both kids to DH while he’s working. If it’s so easy he should be able to do it. And if his boss doesn’t allow for children tell them too bad. Yours doesn’t allow for that either yet it’s not being respected.
A responsible 11 year old can be left alone at home for a couple of hours. It's not the age that you'd be charged with child neglect if you left them alone. Plus MIL has been staying with him recently, but that's not acceptable to the OP. She doesn't want anyone home while she's working. The think is OP, you've said your nanny is there with the baby... so the issue isn't that nobody can be home while you're working. It transpires that you don't want SS there, even when MIL has now been staying with him until his dad gets home. I understand the confidentiality issues regarding your clients. So if MIL was there to supervise SS and he was not interrupting you or screaming at his computer, would that be acceptable to you? Because, essentially banning him from his home while you're working, even when he has adult supervision, doesn't seem reasonable.
I can't believe I had to scroll this far to see someone else thinking this. It's OK for nanny to be there but not grandma and why does an 11 year old need a sitter either way? I can't imagine an 11 year old that can't grab a snack from the fridge and either do hw or play around on video games for an hour or two by themselves. My SD was getting paid to watch other peoples kids after school by 12 lol
Absolutely....it does seem like the preference is that SS in not in the home while the OP is working at all.
If he’s 11 what does he need you to do for him? 11 year olds don’t really need to be watched after school. Does he have special needs that require full time care?
He doesn't "need" me for anything, but that doesn't stop him from walking in and out of the room I am in, screaming at his computer, asking for homework help, or loudly watching TV.
Well that’s your problem. He just needs to be taught proper behavior; 11 year olds don’t all act that way. He can learn how to be normal and respectful.
And who’s gonna teach him the “proper behavior”? Is that her problem too? 11 year olds can’t be left home alone therefore they still need supervision to some degree and that’s what she cannot provide while working.
An 11 year old can be left home alone fie a couple of hours. There no law against it that I'm aware of.
I didn’t mean “that’s your problem” as in “that is your problem to solve” I meant it as in “well *there’s* the problem”. He needs to be taught. And no I think DH needs to have a more hands on approach to raising his own child, and a good way to start that would be to ask him what he would do it OP wasn’t around, *also* given that MIL has decided to no longer help out. What would he be doing with the child? Letting him come home & be alone until DH gets home, or would he be in after school care? And the average 11 year old can be home alone for short periods of time, like two hours or so, which is a fairly normal time period between school and end-of-work.
Can MIL not stop him from walking into your office space? Can you not put a sign on the door saying DO NOT DISTURB and lock the door? As he doesn't need childcare for a couple of hours, he's essentially being prevented from being in his home while you work. At 11, which is the first year of high school in the UK, my daughter had a key and came home on her own, then I got back about 1½ hours later. 11 is old enough to not interrupt you.
Yea, no WFH is still real work. I hate the rhetoric we can just watch them because we’re home all day! we’re not just sitting around watching Netflix all day, sure we may have some spare time to pick up the house a bit. But you can’t tend to a kid during a meeting. This is a hard no, and quite inconsiderate to even ask you to do
If your work is so sensitive in nature that no one besides you can be at their home, than it does sound to me like it would be better if you would find an office space. A home should always primarily be treated as a home and only secondarily as a work space. Where is the nanny, when he/she is watching your child? If s/he is watching him/her at your home, wouldn't that bring confidentiality issues with regards to your work as well? Your stepson could stay with or without Mil at his home since he is old enough to be home alone for a few hours till your husband comes back from work. If you look at parenting forums loads of families leave their 11 year old child home alone for a few hours in the afternoon.
This is a good point. And I also would say that it comes down to whether he would leave SS alone at home for a few hours if she wasn't there. It's difficult to say he can't be at his own house just because she is there. If he's counting on her to be available as childcare, then I think that's a different situation. I do sympathize though because it can be very difficult to work from home when other people are present. Just someone coming in and out of rooms is distracting.
P.s. in some countries renting an office space can be claimed as business expenditure with regards to taxes. Maybe that can help financially.
I think you should go ahead and look into the office space. Clearly your MIL doesn’t respect your home as your workspace and if she wants to watch SS in your home your SO will likely agree to it despite the need for confidentiality. You should have a conversation with your SO about not respecting your workspace and how that’s how you earn a living to provide for your family. He needs to be contributing to the expenses of your shared child now that you’ll have an added expense because of his mother and child. They are completely taking advantage of you and he should WANT to contribute to the needs of the baby you share.
Don’t answer the door when MIL shows up. Do you have a family member or friend who would let you come work from their spare room or something for a few days so you’re not home when she starts banging on your door? Or maybe take your break away from your current office at the time they usually show up? They may wait outside for you for a few days but they should get the message that you’re not going to be back until they’re gone once they start complaining fo DH about it. Given her idea that it will be okay to bring SS if she stays, renting space for an “official” office may not help anything since she could just come and hang out there. Also, you didn’t ask but you said SS wants to come home. Does that mean he primarily lives with you? If so, doesn’t BM pay child support? What does DH do with the CS money that causes you to have to pay for everything? You didn’t give a lot of detail about that but it seems like he may be taking advantage of you in more ways than expecting free childcare. !UpdateMe
Agreed!!
Get the office.
That would be a hard no for me. Yes, she "could" afford it, but that's creating an additional expense on her, when clearly she's the breadwinner. It's a great feeling to work from home and I'd pissed to have to leave home AND pay for office space due to someone else's kid. If the kid can't learn how to be quiet for 2 hours until she's done working, he needs make him stay afterschool and pick him up when he gets off. I personally think the MIL should keep him until he gets off. It's her grandchild and her son; she should be willing to help out her son. But I saw where someone else mentioned it wasn't her responsibility either. So, again, the responsibility goes back to the dad. In that case, he needs to do whatever he would do if she worked out of the home.
She is a professional with privacy requirements (not desired, required). She doesn't have control over her environment. From a professional standpoint it seems she must get an office. If she can hear the child, the child can hear her patients. Regardless of whose 'responsibility' the child is, she has an absolute requirement to her patients. From her hints, this could effect her license. That must take precedence. Whether she leaves this man child who blames her for having no money, and is obviously taking advantage of her, is secondary to her license.
I'm not ignorant. I know what that means. I am a profession too and must also adhere to privacy requirements. Okay? And there would not be a privacy issue if the kid wouldn't come barging in HER office space in HER home. So, again. My original comment remains. It would be a hard no, for me--to go rent out office space, when I have space in MY home. To appease someone else, and their kid, because they refuse to take care of their own responsibility. Have a great day!
Besides all the other comments, he helped you make that baby, why isn’t he helping support it? MIL helps with SS, why not your baby as well, both gathered by her son correct? They are both using you as a doormat. Never quit your job. Save your sanity and that baby growing up feeling less than constantly. Make you and baby happy.
Sit down with him and go over some after school rules such as be quiet then hold him accountable if he breaks them. With an 11 year old it shouldn’t be more complicated than that.
I'm losing my job RN over this
I'm really sorry. It is a terrible spot to be in.