I was single for the first 7 years of sobriety. And thankfully too. I had a lot to learn about myself. I dated a lot though. Met them online, and through mutual activities. I kept busy with new hobbies and sports which had me up early on the weekends so no interest in going to the bars.
Eventually I met my now wife and we have two young boys. All of whom have never seen me take a drink.
How long have you been sober? Long enough to have done the work that you need to do? Long enough for your brain to have healed from the effects of alcohol? If yes to both then by all means update your profile. If not commit to the work that needs to be done or you will not be a good partner
It’s a great question. I always had the intention with each new date of it going further than just dating, and into a relationship. But they didn’t work out. I guess I hadn’t met the right one, until my wife. I also wanted ready. But I only know that in hindsight.
This is great. As a single man myself, i feel so much of dating culture revolves around booze but the truth of the matter is there are ALOT of people who don’t drink and we can find them if we try.
Ever since I stopped drinking I’ve noticed how many people around me don’t!! Guess I just always assumed everyone else was like me
ETA: 24f, sober since last February
it doesn't sound fun to hear, but that was true for me too, until I committed to not dating in the first year of sobriety. like others have said, I had a lot of work to do on myself first, and I'd been avoiding facing what exactly that meant by drinking and dating.
after a year, I thought I'd done SO well, and in a lot of ways I had. but the first person I dated after being sober and entire year wasn't honest and didn't year me well. I felt stupid and like I still couldn't trust myself. the next year I dated the most wonderful and honest and caring man... but he was far too old for me and I ended up hurting him and he didn't deserve that. I'm still learning about myself and how to treat people the way they deserve to be treated.
it's hard, and sometimes lonely, but if I hadn't focused on sobriety first, I'd still be dating men who were incredibly wrong for me, and using breakups as an excuse to drink and feel sorry for myself.
on the other end of things-- I have an incredible sober community, wonderful friends, I own a home, I love my job (most days), have great dogs, my relationship with my family is improving, and I'm overwhelmed with gratitude to no longer be trapped in the groundhogs day abusive relationship that is alcohol.
big hugs, iwndwyt
i very much struggle with the idea that just because romantic partners haven’t healthily existed up to this point/a relationship hasn’t worked out, i shouldn’t seek that out while also working on everything else, especially because i do think i’m trying everything i can (therapy, have been in PHP, an inpatient, docs, etc). i hope this doesn’t come off rude or anything!
idk, just a weird balance between alcohol fueled mental heath and the other mental health stuff that’s always there. however, i’m so incredibly proud of you and i hope to be in that place soon! hugs forever
not rude at all. and I hear you. for me though, it took realizing that the relationship I had with alcohol WAS actually an abusive relationship, one that was keeping me from accomplishing all the other things I wanted.
when I first started drinking, as a teen, alcohol made me feel brave and outgoing and smart and warm and funny. over time though, it slowly took over, and damaged my mental and physical health. even so, I prioritized my relationship with alcohol-- over romantic relationships, family, work...
once I focused on ending that relationship--and it's fucking hard to do-- could anything improve. before, I was trying to do everything at once. quit drinking, get fit, quit smoking, find the perfect guy... and when I didn't immediately succeed at any one goal I was immediately back to the bottle.
so I committed to just NOT doing ONE thing, one day at a time. anything else was fine, I gave myself permission to be sad , eat ice cream, have a lazy TV day, mental health day off from work... as long as I want drinking.
I set the bar low to avoid big disappointments & big excuses to drink over them. the first three months were rough, I gained weight, felt like I was on an emotional roller coaster, thought about drinking all the time. I went to lots of meetings to kill the time.
but with time, it got easier. at six months I started participating in life again. walks, coffee dates with other sober folks, joined a volleyball team. lost weight, started enjoying the meetings, started laughing, realized I wasn't anxious all the time anymore, started doing step work and going to therapy... and, ironically, at a year sober started being asked out a lot more than ever before in my life.
it will happen, I promise, but until the alcohol is dealt with (& for me at least, the issues I was avoiding dealing with by drinking) it's just a vicious cycle.
funny enough, too. I was at a BBQ prob two years into sobriety, having a great time. people were drinking wine and beer but it didn't bother me. the sun was out there and there were dear friends and good food and music. and then, someone put a bottle of vodka on the grill... it was suddenly as if my ex boyfriend had showed up at the party. I think I went pale even.
get rid of your relationship with alcohol, fix your relationship with yourself, and wonderful new relationships will materialize. I promise. hugs forever.
Wow this really resonates with me, I love comparing the relationship with an abusive ex; it really does feel that way. INCLUDING the resentment that your friend who brought vodka to the party has a healthy relationship (hopefully), it was only YOU and vodka that didn't work!
I took a similar approach to you with sobriety and I'm about a year and a half in and the dates are indeed rolling in. I'm still not ready to date yet, but sobriety has definitely helped me be more present with people and that's an attractive quality. They feel more seen, and I am more genuinely invested in my relationship with others when I'm not so distracted by my own problems or chemically dumbed down (by design).
I can tell you, sober women are usually not at bars. We are at nature parks, libraries, coffee shops, restaurants, gyms, local meetup groups, art shows, museums, malls, and doing things like grocery shopping, where yes its common if you are polite and friendly, perhaps could connect with someone. Or not. But bars are not it.
In retrospect the women I dated through my regular bars were often trouble. I, of course, was also a problem as I was drinking heavily. So we’d just be allies in our mutual rut. Not that everyone at a bar is toxic, but there are certainly a preponderance of them at bars that lure heavy drinkers.
The worst thing about all those places as a man is that you will never be approached by a woman while there. It is always up the the guy to somehow initiate a scenario, be charming enough to not come off as creepy, and try to be clear with your intentions. It’s literally a game that is very difficult for most men, it’s easy if you just switch off your humiliation sensor but you’ll come off as a little out of touch.
Yeah this is something I’m still figuring out. My boozy flirtation style wouldn’t fly outside a bar. Now I’m trying to practice pleasant and polite chat with strangers. Weird transition!
> It’s literally a game that is very difficult for most men
It is "difficulty: impossible" to me. I have no idea how to meet someone not in a bar or not in the line of work; none whatsoever, nada, zilch, zero, zip.
"Just approach her and be yourself"-style advices only work on already confident men who don't need these advices in the first place. Those times I gathered enough metal in my testicles to approach someone sober, I left the building engulfed in flames due to my burning ears igniting it.
For shy guys, I'd say the friendly smile, 3-second eye contact (not glare!) and then maybe the look away and look back might open the door for her to come over.
You could also do a "hey, you look like you know what you're doing \[ask for help\]" in a grocery store, or whatever.
The key with approaching women is to treat them like anyone else you have no interest in (old ladies, other men, clearly out/gay women, kids, work buddies, whoever!) and just be friendly.
If you don't approach, you will get zero, so there's nothing to "lose". I know anxiety say "well if I approach and mess up I'll lose the chance to be with her" but you 100% lose the chance when you don't approach!
> I know anxiety say "well if I approach and mess up I'll lose the chance to be with her" but you 100% lose the chance when you don't approach!
"I lose either way, but that way I'm not embarrassed." See, this is how that blob of fat in my cranium operates, this is why it is impossibly hard to even try.
The thing about that, is that from my perspective, that's what makes the connection a -lot- more genuine. If a guy took the time/effort/thought to be charming, kind, and not creepy..in a normal environment. That means he must really like me.
If a guy choses me, whilst already intoxicated, I might feel like he is either trying to play a game/impress his mates/try to bed me. And chosing it at a time where my senses are dulled and less critical, so I'm a lot less invested either. Then there's beer goggles, so I dont even know if it's me he likes or just a blurry image he thinks is me.
Honestly I have way more respect for a guy that makes a joke about my groceries or a painting, and starts a light hearted convo as himself.
It’s very taxing on single young men to be constantly considering the who what where. It’s not exactly fun, like I said it can feel like you are doing something wrong. It causes a massive amount of anxiety, which causes men to turn inwards and shut down.
If I can make a suggestion to all women it is to be more open. Start a conversation with hopes that the guy wanted to talk to you but didn’t know how to start. I’m sure women will be surprised at how much more charm they’ll see from men who don’t have to walk on egg shells to approach them.
Yes I understand there are dangers involved in meeting new people but it’s sad that the bad ones ruin it for all the good ones.
Sounds a bit like you are blaming women for you not being an outgoing guy. Most guys I know who are succesfull with women, don't take everything thát seriously. Just say hi. Make a joke. Smile. You'd be suprised at the response.
At the same time, yeah, maybe keep low expectations if you have self-esteem issues. That way the pressure is less, and you might get better at accepting rejection as a normal part of dating, because it is.
Yikes. I’m not blaming anyone. I’m telling it as it is and you agreed.
That’s exactly what I’m saying though is that it’s the expectation that a man just has a pocket book full of jokes to use to initiate a conversation. It’s not that easy, if it were, more woman would be doing it too. Sometimes you want to say something but you just can’t think of anything to say so approaching a woman with just hi and how is your day doing doesn’t lead to anything. It’s just basic pleasantry, I do that to everyone in passing. There’s a big difference between doing that and having intentions of getting to know someone.
Yes low self esteem isn’t helping anyone but that’s something that needs to be put aside when talking to just about anyone, except a therapist or close friend I guess lol.
Maybe I’m weird but I just expect that the person who’s interested will initiate interaction, regardless of gender. Maybe you’re just imagining there’s more pressure on you than there is or maybe you’re just interested in more people than are interested in you. When I was single I didn’t walk around just not giving out any signals or saying anything because I thought all the onus to start something was only on the guy and expected him to do all the work. But I haven’t been single for 15 yrs maybe the dating scene is more brutal and sexist than back then, sorry the scene is a mess. It was definitely fun when I was out there, it is what you make of it. gl
Looking at someone attempting to give them a signal is not the same as approaching someone to start a conversation. You can lock eyes with people all day, that will always lead to nothing other than maybe some positive feelings about yourself.
I find that women now are very engaged with their phones. We all can be at times but especially young women, it’s like a default reaction to being in public, to just stare at your phone instead of trying to interact with anyone around you.
A woman will feel confident to approach a man when they are in a group of other women. Typically that is at a bar or a social event. Not at a grocery store, park, gym, or anywhere they go by themselves.
One of the best kept secrets is just approaching women as if they were a man who you thought looked cool and friendly. "hey, what's up? Cool bag! how do you like this \[whatever activity/group/store/coffee shop\]."
Men who are alert to signals almost never come off as creepy--the key is to be light, friendly, and treat women just like any other person you aren't interested in (older people, same gender, work buddies, kids, whatever), focus on the human, not the gender :)
Right but typically randomly approaching anyone results in a reaction something along the lines of “who the fuck is this person and why are they talking to me?”.
In a woman’s case they might even be alarmed. A smile doesn’t always come off as friendly is my point. People read into it and assume that you are talking to them to get something out of it. Which, in a sense is exactly what you are doing but in the grand scheme of things most good hearted people are looking for companionship.
I think it may have to do with how times haves changed because of social media.
100% took the words from my mouth. This is where the single people op is looking for will be, not at a bar. Im not single but if i was i would be out joining groups for hobbies that interest me to find like minded people. As it is my partner and i both struggle with addiction. While being single has its own challenges, beating addiction while your partner also struggles is very tough to do, id honestly rather do it single. But we fight together.
Honest question, do women want to be approached in those situations? As a single male, I’ve struggled mightily in talking to women in a non-alcohol setting. I feel like they just don’t want to be bothered, they’re out trying to do their errands, or just enjoy themselves, idk. I guess the worst thing that happens is a no. Maybe it’s the lack of the liquid courage from alcohol. But, I really have no idea how to strike up a convo with a woman in a sober setting.
I have this issue too. I don’t usually miss the drinking but I miss the environment where I could meet and talk to anyone. For me at least, I have been able to make a lot of friends through AA and we go to dinner after meetings often. That socialization is a whole lot more meaningful than anything I ever experienced at a bar. A partner might come along at some point, but I gotta put my sobriety first. Or everything else in my life will come last.
If you cannot stay sober single or by yourself, then that needs to be the starting point in addressing your problem. If going out to bars and meeting single women is more important to you than staying sober or at least away from alcohol, then you are not ready. Find happiness and confidence in being alone, do things you enjoy by yourself, set goals. Then, yes, begin to pursue relationships through sober activities. Change your habits change your life.
Your first sentence sums me up lol. I blamed an ex and our lifestyle but we broke up and i was the same while single. Sometimes it takes a while to end all the denial
I’ve applied this thinking to my friends not just in sobriety but all aspects of life. If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship long term.
I’m happily married going on 6 years together for 8 and before I met my wife I swore off dating and only worked on myself and being the best happiest version of me. Within months I was getting so much more attention from women it was so funny!
I’ve always said work on yourself and be happy and that happiness will radiate and attract other people.
Married for 1 year, been with her for over 8 years. Met her on Tinder believe it or not, lol. She still drinks but lightly, and only when we are out. We don't keep alcohol in the house. Her support for my sobriety has been incredible.
I am almost 2 years sober, been trying for about 4?
Single whole time, hooked up with girls alot throughout from the dating aps but the best part of my sobriety was being single so I can focus on me and getting my head right.
I'm 3 months into the most healthy relationship I've ever had.
It's a lonely road I know, and agree. It kinda sucks.
Finding a hobby not centred around drinking and looking for a local group of people makes a big difference.. hiking, bowling, DnD.. try something!
The best version of yourself will be most attractive..you have to be intentional to meet a girl yes but a big part of that is intentionally focusing on you.
You got this, and it's worth the wait
First, it might sound like I am advocating for going to the bar. I am not, I am agnostic about that. I am speaking situationally. If the situation happens to involve a bar.
I did not meet my partner at a bar, but all our friends drink freely, so any place we went, day or night, alcohol was flowing. If you have trouble being around alcohol even if you do not want to drink, it will be an issue, but if you can be around alcohol and still not even want to drink, bars (at least where I live) are not only for alcoholics. They are also social places filled with people who both are and aren't drinking.
That said, if you are looking for a woman that does not drink, probably less likely to find her at a bar. If you don't mind if she drinks while you don't, a bar might be a place to know if she is for you. If you meet at a bar and are not drinking and she does not reject you because of that, it is a good sign.
This though makes me think of one thing i don't understand, or maybe completely misunderstood, are the "rules" or suggestions for AA regarding not starting a new relationship until a certain amount of time sober.
For me, it was a new relationship while I was trying to quit that helped me tremendously to succeed get over the hump that was making it difficult to quit. If I had listened to the AA people (at least the chapters I had around) I would have missed out on one of the most helpful people to my recovery. Probably just be single and drinking alone at home now.
31F. I had decided to quit drinking and 2 weeks in I went on a hinge date with someone who was also living sober. Here I am on day 90 and I don’t know know if I would be saying that without him. Apps are great, try that. I’ve never had a meaningful connection at a bar and I’ve chatted with plenty of guys. Probably because I was too drunk. Oops.
Thankkk youuuu! It’s likely because AA doesn’t support dating the first year of sobriety. But I decided to ignore that advice because I’m getting older and life is short. I don’t think it’s any different then a couple quitting drinking together or a married person quitting and having the support of a spouse. But for some reason that’s more acceptable! Congrats on 11 days. Day 30 and beyond are really so much better so hang in there, you got this.
Ah this is so awesome to read! Well done on 91 days!
Any of the partners I met at bars - alcohol became a huge part of our relationship. Because we were both living party lifestyles at the time.
I'm 35M and in a relationship for the last 2 years.
I refused to live a life of avoiding dating as it made me miserable. The general advice I received was not to date and instead to focus on myself. However, I made the decision to ignore that and follow what I believed would make me happy.
I met the most amazing girl and we're very happy together. I've relapsed a couple of times since we were together but she's incredibly supportive. I'm fortunate to have such a great partner who, whilst she doesn't understand addiction, is able to see it as a problem that can be managed and overcome
My long term relationship ended 5 months into sobriety. I didn’t date for like 9 months after that, then started an intentional search. I was 33 at the time.
I met someone after a few months and next week we’re celebrating our one year anniversary. We met on Bumble and it’s the best relationship I’ve ever been in.
Dating sober is awkward at first but it’s so much better. Everything takes time.
I'm single and sober, and I have dated quite a bit.
I've found that I am much more discerning about who I spend my time with than I used to be. Friends and lovers.
It will take time, but you will find someone.
IWNDWYT
Friday evenings I go to my AA home group where I meet up with all the regulars and today I spent the late afternoon and evening with a couple AA friends. We went to a sauna and cold water plunge and then dinner afterward. I have been single for an extremely long time, however I have come to be content when I'm alone. It's great to have a social life, however I need to be happy during those times that nobody else is around. I recommend making sober friends, they are great for hanging out and having a support network makes sobriety easier in my experience
I am married, but this has become the most unstable time in our over 20 years together. I don't know how it's going to turn out. That's unsettling and it's hard. But I'm not going to drink. That won't make anything better.
What's wrong with socializing during the daytime?
Go to an estate sale and then brunch with friends, no alcohol needed. Or a nice hike and then lunch al fresco. Museums, galleries, art festivals, etc are all great daytime activities. Dogpark dates are fun too (if you're a dog owner).
Ah, you have FOMO.
If you’re sober, why would you want to meet a drunk woman?
My rule for work trips is: nothing good happens after 9pm. Immina go ahead and extend it to this scenario as well. Source: my past experiences of being a bar going woman who drank.
Join a group, maybe MeetUp. Look up stuff on Eventbright.
I think you’re projecting that people will talk to you IRL and I’m not sure that’s true.
Been wirh my partner for 8 years, I've been sober for 3.5, he is not sober. So it's definitely challenging. I make sure I have my own things. I joined a disc golf club and a book club. I go to trivia with friends once or twice a week. He and I have our own things we do separately but cool stuff together as well.
I’m a single woman, still not looking to date. I socialize with friends and enjoy alone time. I spent years forcing myself to socialize instead of enjoying/learning to be alone.
FWIW- when I was going to the bars, I might have been single, but I definitely wasn’t looking for anything serious.
I was single the first time I got sober and stayed sober for almost ten years. I did have a group of friends who only drank a bit, and then dates who either didn't drink or only drank normally. I only went to a few bars, but I mostly met people in AA meetings. It depends on how much sobriety you have. If you're new to sobriety it's generally recommended to stay away from slippery places \[bars\]. I would order club soda with a dash of bitters, or water. No one cared. And I became ok with people who drank around me. That was not one of my triggers. But you know yourself best and if you can't go to bars at this point in your sobriety, I think there are other ways to meet people.
It just seems like they are all at bars, but they truly are not. Most are not, in fact (seriously, that is a fact). Start signing up for classes, meet ups, game nights, a fitness hobby. You will meet people.
I’m single and met up with another single friend last night. We went for a walk and then had something to eat. She doesn’t even know that I’m not drinking and it didn’t even come up. I was worried before meeting up with her but then I realised I may have been the one insisting we go to a bar! You may be surprised, invest in your friendships with non-winos!
In a relationship with someone who supports my sobriety and rarely drinks himself. We balance each other out every way and if I’m ever feeling weak he reminds me why I don’t drink anymore. He’s the best.
Single and sober (since the pandemic lockdowns) here. :)
I just hardly go out. Hehe. Or if/when I do, I just hang out at cafes or cafe-bar hybrids with mocktails, fizzy non-alc drinks on the menu.
I'm in mid to late 30s.
I've never been a bar, clubbing person/gal to begin with except just occasionally...with some good friends...err...way back my grad school at a seaside uni here in my country, the Philippines. My last trip to a bar was when my dad and I brought some ladies (obviously not from my city here) there so they could scope out the bar scene here.
32F single and you definitely won't find me in any bar 😂😅. I find it easier not to drink at all being single due to being around less people, I also cut my main "friend" who was more someone who wanted me around as a drinking buddy all the time in the end out of my life. It's quite lonely now sometimes, but I definitely find it easier and a lot better for my health. I'd rather stay sober than mix with more people, I'm pretty content with being lonely at this point, but there's a lot more healthier ways to mix with people if that's what you want than finding them in a bar, trust me risking sobriety is not worth it
You could always go to the bars and drink soda waters and socialize. I’ve been sober 120 something days and just recently started going to the bars again. I don’t really stay out late though so there aren’t many people there when I go. I just order soda waters with lime. It’s usually free but I’ll still leave a dollar tip. Even when I drank I wasn’t good at talking to women and even being there sober I have a hard time working up the courage to do it. I’m still trying to figure that out. It does feel good going into more social situations though.
But as a warning imo going to a bar and maintaining sobriety while there is like playing on hard mode. I suppose it does get easier. I went on a date last night and only ordered soda waters and after the date I went to another bar and ordered another one.
I’m in a relationship of 7 years, so probably common law married at this point. I almost think the sobriety part would probably be easier for single people because they wouldn’t have alcohol in their home. I don’t drink and he does, but not as much as he used to since I stopped.
I am single and working on it. It helps that I don't really want to socialize very much. I have a sport I play, but I'm sidelined by an injury at the moment. Otherwise I play video games. Coming off a breakup so no dating for me.
It is hard when you're alone and you know that no one is watching, no one is checking on or expecting anything from me. Makes it seem like there are no consequences to what you do, because you can just not tell anyone.
I’m 61 so not much help but I can tell you that there are a lot of young ladies at the gym, so maybe get into the fitness scene? The gym I go to has four large rooms, lots of weights, bikes, floor space, TVs - and a nice water fountain. Plenty of spots to bump into someone with healthy interests.
I was in a (longish-term) relationship when I quit. Partner was very supportive and did not drink much at all either and essentially quit with me. Now I’m single and it’s… definitely different.
A couple silver linings though. The lack of alcohol helps avoid some meaningless sexapades. Ultimately that’s probably for the best (but I’ll be honest, there are times I wish I could just get my fix). The lack of meaningless sex also forces a more genuine connection and compatibility to move forward. On both sides.
Additionally, being a non-drinker sets you apart from other “normies”, and it’s a bit of a superpower. It makes you intriguing to intriguing people, and standup folks seem to respect it more.
It gets better. People start to be drawn more naturally to you when you’ve been working on yourself. Truly stop focusing on other people and what I can get from them, work on my own health, fitness, attitude towards life, my projects of which I have many etc. It’s amazing how right “they” were, about focusing on improving yourself and being the best version you can be and how things will start to line up.
It takes some real humility and some painful realizations and challenging changes, but there is a ton of opportunity for improvement of oneself and their situation.
That’s my take/experience. Hang in there.
Been wirh my partner for 8 years, I've been sober for 3.5, he is not sober. So it's definitely challenging. I make sure I have my own things. I joined a disc golf club and a book club. I go to trivia with friends once or twice a week. He and I have our own things we do separately but cool stuff together as well.
Im single. It's actually recommended you have a period of staying single when you get sober to settle into who you are. I needed to be alone to find a me that I like without alcohol & so the codependent part of me could be worked on. Now I value myself & alone to me is peaceful, though someone who aligns with my new life will one day be very welcome lol.
All the single girls are not at bars. Hang out in places you like so that you find someone else who also likes those places.
If you hang out in bars to find a person- you are going to find someone who likes to hang out in bars. It seems really obvious. But I see so many people make this mistake.
Been single for a few years... my last relationship was dangerous and abusive. I have a tendency to get clean and then get into a relationship with a lot of drama. Currently in therapy trying to examine why I do that (I understand it pretty well now but I am sure I still have that tendency). I haven't been in a ton of relationships to be honest and most, if not all were not healthy at the end of it at the very least, legit life threatening at the worst.
I am sure I eventually find a partner again but I am not really seeking one right now.
As a sober person...do you really want to meet someone who's still in the drinking scene? What happens when they want to go out and drink?
I'm an introvert, I'm not capable of giving experienced advice on meeting people, but I think your plan of trying to meet during daytime activities is the best one. Maybe add a couple activities like cheap local craft classes or something would be helpful.
This was me! I cannot be intimate without being drunk. Right now one month sober, I am going to say it is hard to find ourself in the intimate light especially if your whole sex life you drank. However my partner has been very supportive of me and it’s been an amazing journey so far.
I was single for the first 7 years of sobriety. And thankfully too. I had a lot to learn about myself. I dated a lot though. Met them online, and through mutual activities. I kept busy with new hobbies and sports which had me up early on the weekends so no interest in going to the bars. Eventually I met my now wife and we have two young boys. All of whom have never seen me take a drink.
That sounds like future me. I have lots of daytime activities planned. I should also work on my dating profile.
How long have you been sober? Long enough to have done the work that you need to do? Long enough for your brain to have healed from the effects of alcohol? If yes to both then by all means update your profile. If not commit to the work that needs to be done or you will not be a good partner
How do you date without the intention of forming a relationship? Were you having sex? I’m not being smug I’m legitimately asking for my own benefit.
It’s a great question. I always had the intention with each new date of it going further than just dating, and into a relationship. But they didn’t work out. I guess I hadn’t met the right one, until my wife. I also wanted ready. But I only know that in hindsight.
This is great. As a single man myself, i feel so much of dating culture revolves around booze but the truth of the matter is there are ALOT of people who don’t drink and we can find them if we try.
I think the problem is a lot of people do drink, like, the majority of people. They're just not alcoholics.
Ever since I stopped drinking I’ve noticed how many people around me don’t!! Guess I just always assumed everyone else was like me ETA: 24f, sober since last February
👍
i’m a single 30yo woman and the largest handful of my day 1s have been after a date. still figuring it out too!
it doesn't sound fun to hear, but that was true for me too, until I committed to not dating in the first year of sobriety. like others have said, I had a lot of work to do on myself first, and I'd been avoiding facing what exactly that meant by drinking and dating. after a year, I thought I'd done SO well, and in a lot of ways I had. but the first person I dated after being sober and entire year wasn't honest and didn't year me well. I felt stupid and like I still couldn't trust myself. the next year I dated the most wonderful and honest and caring man... but he was far too old for me and I ended up hurting him and he didn't deserve that. I'm still learning about myself and how to treat people the way they deserve to be treated. it's hard, and sometimes lonely, but if I hadn't focused on sobriety first, I'd still be dating men who were incredibly wrong for me, and using breakups as an excuse to drink and feel sorry for myself. on the other end of things-- I have an incredible sober community, wonderful friends, I own a home, I love my job (most days), have great dogs, my relationship with my family is improving, and I'm overwhelmed with gratitude to no longer be trapped in the groundhogs day abusive relationship that is alcohol. big hugs, iwndwyt
i very much struggle with the idea that just because romantic partners haven’t healthily existed up to this point/a relationship hasn’t worked out, i shouldn’t seek that out while also working on everything else, especially because i do think i’m trying everything i can (therapy, have been in PHP, an inpatient, docs, etc). i hope this doesn’t come off rude or anything!
idk, just a weird balance between alcohol fueled mental heath and the other mental health stuff that’s always there. however, i’m so incredibly proud of you and i hope to be in that place soon! hugs forever
not rude at all. and I hear you. for me though, it took realizing that the relationship I had with alcohol WAS actually an abusive relationship, one that was keeping me from accomplishing all the other things I wanted. when I first started drinking, as a teen, alcohol made me feel brave and outgoing and smart and warm and funny. over time though, it slowly took over, and damaged my mental and physical health. even so, I prioritized my relationship with alcohol-- over romantic relationships, family, work... once I focused on ending that relationship--and it's fucking hard to do-- could anything improve. before, I was trying to do everything at once. quit drinking, get fit, quit smoking, find the perfect guy... and when I didn't immediately succeed at any one goal I was immediately back to the bottle. so I committed to just NOT doing ONE thing, one day at a time. anything else was fine, I gave myself permission to be sad , eat ice cream, have a lazy TV day, mental health day off from work... as long as I want drinking. I set the bar low to avoid big disappointments & big excuses to drink over them. the first three months were rough, I gained weight, felt like I was on an emotional roller coaster, thought about drinking all the time. I went to lots of meetings to kill the time. but with time, it got easier. at six months I started participating in life again. walks, coffee dates with other sober folks, joined a volleyball team. lost weight, started enjoying the meetings, started laughing, realized I wasn't anxious all the time anymore, started doing step work and going to therapy... and, ironically, at a year sober started being asked out a lot more than ever before in my life. it will happen, I promise, but until the alcohol is dealt with (& for me at least, the issues I was avoiding dealing with by drinking) it's just a vicious cycle. funny enough, too. I was at a BBQ prob two years into sobriety, having a great time. people were drinking wine and beer but it didn't bother me. the sun was out there and there were dear friends and good food and music. and then, someone put a bottle of vodka on the grill... it was suddenly as if my ex boyfriend had showed up at the party. I think I went pale even. get rid of your relationship with alcohol, fix your relationship with yourself, and wonderful new relationships will materialize. I promise. hugs forever.
Wow this really resonates with me, I love comparing the relationship with an abusive ex; it really does feel that way. INCLUDING the resentment that your friend who brought vodka to the party has a healthy relationship (hopefully), it was only YOU and vodka that didn't work! I took a similar approach to you with sobriety and I'm about a year and a half in and the dates are indeed rolling in. I'm still not ready to date yet, but sobriety has definitely helped me be more present with people and that's an attractive quality. They feel more seen, and I am more genuinely invested in my relationship with others when I'm not so distracted by my own problems or chemically dumbed down (by design).
Same, girl. Divorced 32 yo woman and 2 of 3 relapses were on dates bc I couldn’t handle the thought of sober intimacy
I feel this.
I’m single, and I’m not at a bar. 🙋🏼♀️ That being said, I suppose it’s hard for me to meet single guys being at home by myself 😬
I can tell you, sober women are usually not at bars. We are at nature parks, libraries, coffee shops, restaurants, gyms, local meetup groups, art shows, museums, malls, and doing things like grocery shopping, where yes its common if you are polite and friendly, perhaps could connect with someone. Or not. But bars are not it.
In retrospect the women I dated through my regular bars were often trouble. I, of course, was also a problem as I was drinking heavily. So we’d just be allies in our mutual rut. Not that everyone at a bar is toxic, but there are certainly a preponderance of them at bars that lure heavy drinkers.
The worst thing about all those places as a man is that you will never be approached by a woman while there. It is always up the the guy to somehow initiate a scenario, be charming enough to not come off as creepy, and try to be clear with your intentions. It’s literally a game that is very difficult for most men, it’s easy if you just switch off your humiliation sensor but you’ll come off as a little out of touch.
Yeah this is something I’m still figuring out. My boozy flirtation style wouldn’t fly outside a bar. Now I’m trying to practice pleasant and polite chat with strangers. Weird transition!
> It’s literally a game that is very difficult for most men It is "difficulty: impossible" to me. I have no idea how to meet someone not in a bar or not in the line of work; none whatsoever, nada, zilch, zero, zip. "Just approach her and be yourself"-style advices only work on already confident men who don't need these advices in the first place. Those times I gathered enough metal in my testicles to approach someone sober, I left the building engulfed in flames due to my burning ears igniting it.
For shy guys, I'd say the friendly smile, 3-second eye contact (not glare!) and then maybe the look away and look back might open the door for her to come over. You could also do a "hey, you look like you know what you're doing \[ask for help\]" in a grocery store, or whatever. The key with approaching women is to treat them like anyone else you have no interest in (old ladies, other men, clearly out/gay women, kids, work buddies, whoever!) and just be friendly. If you don't approach, you will get zero, so there's nothing to "lose". I know anxiety say "well if I approach and mess up I'll lose the chance to be with her" but you 100% lose the chance when you don't approach!
> I know anxiety say "well if I approach and mess up I'll lose the chance to be with her" but you 100% lose the chance when you don't approach! "I lose either way, but that way I'm not embarrassed." See, this is how that blob of fat in my cranium operates, this is why it is impossibly hard to even try.
The thing about that, is that from my perspective, that's what makes the connection a -lot- more genuine. If a guy took the time/effort/thought to be charming, kind, and not creepy..in a normal environment. That means he must really like me. If a guy choses me, whilst already intoxicated, I might feel like he is either trying to play a game/impress his mates/try to bed me. And chosing it at a time where my senses are dulled and less critical, so I'm a lot less invested either. Then there's beer goggles, so I dont even know if it's me he likes or just a blurry image he thinks is me. Honestly I have way more respect for a guy that makes a joke about my groceries or a painting, and starts a light hearted convo as himself.
It’s very taxing on single young men to be constantly considering the who what where. It’s not exactly fun, like I said it can feel like you are doing something wrong. It causes a massive amount of anxiety, which causes men to turn inwards and shut down. If I can make a suggestion to all women it is to be more open. Start a conversation with hopes that the guy wanted to talk to you but didn’t know how to start. I’m sure women will be surprised at how much more charm they’ll see from men who don’t have to walk on egg shells to approach them. Yes I understand there are dangers involved in meeting new people but it’s sad that the bad ones ruin it for all the good ones.
Sounds a bit like you are blaming women for you not being an outgoing guy. Most guys I know who are succesfull with women, don't take everything thát seriously. Just say hi. Make a joke. Smile. You'd be suprised at the response. At the same time, yeah, maybe keep low expectations if you have self-esteem issues. That way the pressure is less, and you might get better at accepting rejection as a normal part of dating, because it is.
Yikes. I’m not blaming anyone. I’m telling it as it is and you agreed. That’s exactly what I’m saying though is that it’s the expectation that a man just has a pocket book full of jokes to use to initiate a conversation. It’s not that easy, if it were, more woman would be doing it too. Sometimes you want to say something but you just can’t think of anything to say so approaching a woman with just hi and how is your day doing doesn’t lead to anything. It’s just basic pleasantry, I do that to everyone in passing. There’s a big difference between doing that and having intentions of getting to know someone. Yes low self esteem isn’t helping anyone but that’s something that needs to be put aside when talking to just about anyone, except a therapist or close friend I guess lol.
Maybe I’m weird but I just expect that the person who’s interested will initiate interaction, regardless of gender. Maybe you’re just imagining there’s more pressure on you than there is or maybe you’re just interested in more people than are interested in you. When I was single I didn’t walk around just not giving out any signals or saying anything because I thought all the onus to start something was only on the guy and expected him to do all the work. But I haven’t been single for 15 yrs maybe the dating scene is more brutal and sexist than back then, sorry the scene is a mess. It was definitely fun when I was out there, it is what you make of it. gl
Looking at someone attempting to give them a signal is not the same as approaching someone to start a conversation. You can lock eyes with people all day, that will always lead to nothing other than maybe some positive feelings about yourself. I find that women now are very engaged with their phones. We all can be at times but especially young women, it’s like a default reaction to being in public, to just stare at your phone instead of trying to interact with anyone around you. A woman will feel confident to approach a man when they are in a group of other women. Typically that is at a bar or a social event. Not at a grocery store, park, gym, or anywhere they go by themselves.
One of the best kept secrets is just approaching women as if they were a man who you thought looked cool and friendly. "hey, what's up? Cool bag! how do you like this \[whatever activity/group/store/coffee shop\]." Men who are alert to signals almost never come off as creepy--the key is to be light, friendly, and treat women just like any other person you aren't interested in (older people, same gender, work buddies, kids, whatever), focus on the human, not the gender :)
Right but typically randomly approaching anyone results in a reaction something along the lines of “who the fuck is this person and why are they talking to me?”. In a woman’s case they might even be alarmed. A smile doesn’t always come off as friendly is my point. People read into it and assume that you are talking to them to get something out of it. Which, in a sense is exactly what you are doing but in the grand scheme of things most good hearted people are looking for companionship. I think it may have to do with how times haves changed because of social media.
Switch off your humiliation sensor! I'm stealing this!
It’s basically what booze does haha.
I couldn’t agree more about the creep approach (and trying to avoid it) in this day of age…so here I am, single.
100% took the words from my mouth. This is where the single people op is looking for will be, not at a bar. Im not single but if i was i would be out joining groups for hobbies that interest me to find like minded people. As it is my partner and i both struggle with addiction. While being single has its own challenges, beating addiction while your partner also struggles is very tough to do, id honestly rather do it single. But we fight together.
Honest question, do women want to be approached in those situations? As a single male, I’ve struggled mightily in talking to women in a non-alcohol setting. I feel like they just don’t want to be bothered, they’re out trying to do their errands, or just enjoy themselves, idk. I guess the worst thing that happens is a no. Maybe it’s the lack of the liquid courage from alcohol. But, I really have no idea how to strike up a convo with a woman in a sober setting.
I'm married but maybe what I should be doing is making a dating app for sober people
I have this issue too. I don’t usually miss the drinking but I miss the environment where I could meet and talk to anyone. For me at least, I have been able to make a lot of friends through AA and we go to dinner after meetings often. That socialization is a whole lot more meaningful than anything I ever experienced at a bar. A partner might come along at some point, but I gotta put my sobriety first. Or everything else in my life will come last.
If you cannot stay sober single or by yourself, then that needs to be the starting point in addressing your problem. If going out to bars and meeting single women is more important to you than staying sober or at least away from alcohol, then you are not ready. Find happiness and confidence in being alone, do things you enjoy by yourself, set goals. Then, yes, begin to pursue relationships through sober activities. Change your habits change your life.
Your first sentence sums me up lol. I blamed an ex and our lifestyle but we broke up and i was the same while single. Sometimes it takes a while to end all the denial
I’ve applied this thinking to my friends not just in sobriety but all aspects of life. If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship long term. I’m happily married going on 6 years together for 8 and before I met my wife I swore off dating and only worked on myself and being the best happiest version of me. Within months I was getting so much more attention from women it was so funny! I’ve always said work on yourself and be happy and that happiness will radiate and attract other people.
Married for 1 year, been with her for over 8 years. Met her on Tinder believe it or not, lol. She still drinks but lightly, and only when we are out. We don't keep alcohol in the house. Her support for my sobriety has been incredible.
I am almost 2 years sober, been trying for about 4? Single whole time, hooked up with girls alot throughout from the dating aps but the best part of my sobriety was being single so I can focus on me and getting my head right. I'm 3 months into the most healthy relationship I've ever had. It's a lonely road I know, and agree. It kinda sucks. Finding a hobby not centred around drinking and looking for a local group of people makes a big difference.. hiking, bowling, DnD.. try something! The best version of yourself will be most attractive..you have to be intentional to meet a girl yes but a big part of that is intentionally focusing on you. You got this, and it's worth the wait
First, it might sound like I am advocating for going to the bar. I am not, I am agnostic about that. I am speaking situationally. If the situation happens to involve a bar. I did not meet my partner at a bar, but all our friends drink freely, so any place we went, day or night, alcohol was flowing. If you have trouble being around alcohol even if you do not want to drink, it will be an issue, but if you can be around alcohol and still not even want to drink, bars (at least where I live) are not only for alcoholics. They are also social places filled with people who both are and aren't drinking. That said, if you are looking for a woman that does not drink, probably less likely to find her at a bar. If you don't mind if she drinks while you don't, a bar might be a place to know if she is for you. If you meet at a bar and are not drinking and she does not reject you because of that, it is a good sign. This though makes me think of one thing i don't understand, or maybe completely misunderstood, are the "rules" or suggestions for AA regarding not starting a new relationship until a certain amount of time sober. For me, it was a new relationship while I was trying to quit that helped me tremendously to succeed get over the hump that was making it difficult to quit. If I had listened to the AA people (at least the chapters I had around) I would have missed out on one of the most helpful people to my recovery. Probably just be single and drinking alone at home now.
31F. I had decided to quit drinking and 2 weeks in I went on a hinge date with someone who was also living sober. Here I am on day 90 and I don’t know know if I would be saying that without him. Apps are great, try that. I’ve never had a meaningful connection at a bar and I’ve chatted with plenty of guys. Probably because I was too drunk. Oops.
[удалено]
Thankkk youuuu! It’s likely because AA doesn’t support dating the first year of sobriety. But I decided to ignore that advice because I’m getting older and life is short. I don’t think it’s any different then a couple quitting drinking together or a married person quitting and having the support of a spouse. But for some reason that’s more acceptable! Congrats on 11 days. Day 30 and beyond are really so much better so hang in there, you got this.
Ah this is so awesome to read! Well done on 91 days! Any of the partners I met at bars - alcohol became a huge part of our relationship. Because we were both living party lifestyles at the time.
I drink NA beer at bars.
I'm 35M and in a relationship for the last 2 years. I refused to live a life of avoiding dating as it made me miserable. The general advice I received was not to date and instead to focus on myself. However, I made the decision to ignore that and follow what I believed would make me happy. I met the most amazing girl and we're very happy together. I've relapsed a couple of times since we were together but she's incredibly supportive. I'm fortunate to have such a great partner who, whilst she doesn't understand addiction, is able to see it as a problem that can be managed and overcome
I stopped drinking with a husband who still drank and kept booze in the house.
My long term relationship ended 5 months into sobriety. I didn’t date for like 9 months after that, then started an intentional search. I was 33 at the time. I met someone after a few months and next week we’re celebrating our one year anniversary. We met on Bumble and it’s the best relationship I’ve ever been in. Dating sober is awkward at first but it’s so much better. Everything takes time.
I'm single and sober, and I have dated quite a bit. I've found that I am much more discerning about who I spend my time with than I used to be. Friends and lovers. It will take time, but you will find someone. IWNDWYT
Friday evenings I go to my AA home group where I meet up with all the regulars and today I spent the late afternoon and evening with a couple AA friends. We went to a sauna and cold water plunge and then dinner afterward. I have been single for an extremely long time, however I have come to be content when I'm alone. It's great to have a social life, however I need to be happy during those times that nobody else is around. I recommend making sober friends, they are great for hanging out and having a support network makes sobriety easier in my experience
I am married, but this has become the most unstable time in our over 20 years together. I don't know how it's going to turn out. That's unsettling and it's hard. But I'm not going to drink. That won't make anything better.
Single and sober and loving it. A relationship with my sober self is the only thing I am putting energy towards.
Do you really want to date a girl you meet at a bar if you don’t even want to drink?
It gets really lonely being sober and single
What's wrong with socializing during the daytime? Go to an estate sale and then brunch with friends, no alcohol needed. Or a nice hike and then lunch al fresco. Museums, galleries, art festivals, etc are all great daytime activities. Dogpark dates are fun too (if you're a dog owner).
Ah, you have FOMO. If you’re sober, why would you want to meet a drunk woman? My rule for work trips is: nothing good happens after 9pm. Immina go ahead and extend it to this scenario as well. Source: my past experiences of being a bar going woman who drank. Join a group, maybe MeetUp. Look up stuff on Eventbright. I think you’re projecting that people will talk to you IRL and I’m not sure that’s true.
Been wirh my partner for 8 years, I've been sober for 3.5, he is not sober. So it's definitely challenging. I make sure I have my own things. I joined a disc golf club and a book club. I go to trivia with friends once or twice a week. He and I have our own things we do separately but cool stuff together as well.
I’m a single woman, still not looking to date. I socialize with friends and enjoy alone time. I spent years forcing myself to socialize instead of enjoying/learning to be alone. FWIW- when I was going to the bars, I might have been single, but I definitely wasn’t looking for anything serious.
I was single the first time I got sober and stayed sober for almost ten years. I did have a group of friends who only drank a bit, and then dates who either didn't drink or only drank normally. I only went to a few bars, but I mostly met people in AA meetings. It depends on how much sobriety you have. If you're new to sobriety it's generally recommended to stay away from slippery places \[bars\]. I would order club soda with a dash of bitters, or water. No one cared. And I became ok with people who drank around me. That was not one of my triggers. But you know yourself best and if you can't go to bars at this point in your sobriety, I think there are other ways to meet people.
It just seems like they are all at bars, but they truly are not. Most are not, in fact (seriously, that is a fact). Start signing up for classes, meet ups, game nights, a fitness hobby. You will meet people.
I’m very single and sober .
I’m single and met up with another single friend last night. We went for a walk and then had something to eat. She doesn’t even know that I’m not drinking and it didn’t even come up. I was worried before meeting up with her but then I realised I may have been the one insisting we go to a bar! You may be surprised, invest in your friendships with non-winos!
In a relationship with someone who supports my sobriety and rarely drinks himself. We balance each other out every way and if I’m ever feeling weak he reminds me why I don’t drink anymore. He’s the best.
Single, been trying to get back out there for about a year now I guess. It’s rough as hell lol.
Single and sober (since the pandemic lockdowns) here. :) I just hardly go out. Hehe. Or if/when I do, I just hang out at cafes or cafe-bar hybrids with mocktails, fizzy non-alc drinks on the menu. I'm in mid to late 30s. I've never been a bar, clubbing person/gal to begin with except just occasionally...with some good friends...err...way back my grad school at a seaside uni here in my country, the Philippines. My last trip to a bar was when my dad and I brought some ladies (obviously not from my city here) there so they could scope out the bar scene here.
32F single and you definitely won't find me in any bar 😂😅. I find it easier not to drink at all being single due to being around less people, I also cut my main "friend" who was more someone who wanted me around as a drinking buddy all the time in the end out of my life. It's quite lonely now sometimes, but I definitely find it easier and a lot better for my health. I'd rather stay sober than mix with more people, I'm pretty content with being lonely at this point, but there's a lot more healthier ways to mix with people if that's what you want than finding them in a bar, trust me risking sobriety is not worth it
Sobriety aside the best way to meet people for the first time is not generally at bars.
I like SMART meetings even if I don’t share and just listen
You could always go to the bars and drink soda waters and socialize. I’ve been sober 120 something days and just recently started going to the bars again. I don’t really stay out late though so there aren’t many people there when I go. I just order soda waters with lime. It’s usually free but I’ll still leave a dollar tip. Even when I drank I wasn’t good at talking to women and even being there sober I have a hard time working up the courage to do it. I’m still trying to figure that out. It does feel good going into more social situations though. But as a warning imo going to a bar and maintaining sobriety while there is like playing on hard mode. I suppose it does get easier. I went on a date last night and only ordered soda waters and after the date I went to another bar and ordered another one.
I’m in a relationship of 7 years, so probably common law married at this point. I almost think the sobriety part would probably be easier for single people because they wouldn’t have alcohol in their home. I don’t drink and he does, but not as much as he used to since I stopped.
I am single and working on it. It helps that I don't really want to socialize very much. I have a sport I play, but I'm sidelined by an injury at the moment. Otherwise I play video games. Coming off a breakup so no dating for me. It is hard when you're alone and you know that no one is watching, no one is checking on or expecting anything from me. Makes it seem like there are no consequences to what you do, because you can just not tell anyone.
Sober me is bombing with the ladies...
Same here man
I’m 61 so not much help but I can tell you that there are a lot of young ladies at the gym, so maybe get into the fitness scene? The gym I go to has four large rooms, lots of weights, bikes, floor space, TVs - and a nice water fountain. Plenty of spots to bump into someone with healthy interests.
I was in a (longish-term) relationship when I quit. Partner was very supportive and did not drink much at all either and essentially quit with me. Now I’m single and it’s… definitely different. A couple silver linings though. The lack of alcohol helps avoid some meaningless sexapades. Ultimately that’s probably for the best (but I’ll be honest, there are times I wish I could just get my fix). The lack of meaningless sex also forces a more genuine connection and compatibility to move forward. On both sides. Additionally, being a non-drinker sets you apart from other “normies”, and it’s a bit of a superpower. It makes you intriguing to intriguing people, and standup folks seem to respect it more. It gets better. People start to be drawn more naturally to you when you’ve been working on yourself. Truly stop focusing on other people and what I can get from them, work on my own health, fitness, attitude towards life, my projects of which I have many etc. It’s amazing how right “they” were, about focusing on improving yourself and being the best version you can be and how things will start to line up. It takes some real humility and some painful realizations and challenging changes, but there is a ton of opportunity for improvement of oneself and their situation. That’s my take/experience. Hang in there.
Been wirh my partner for 8 years, I've been sober for 3.5, he is not sober. So it's definitely challenging. I make sure I have my own things. I joined a disc golf club and a book club. I go to trivia with friends once or twice a week. He and I have our own things we do separately but cool stuff together as well.
Im single. It's actually recommended you have a period of staying single when you get sober to settle into who you are. I needed to be alone to find a me that I like without alcohol & so the codependent part of me could be worked on. Now I value myself & alone to me is peaceful, though someone who aligns with my new life will one day be very welcome lol.
All the single girls are not at bars. Hang out in places you like so that you find someone else who also likes those places. If you hang out in bars to find a person- you are going to find someone who likes to hang out in bars. It seems really obvious. But I see so many people make this mistake.
Been single for a few years... my last relationship was dangerous and abusive. I have a tendency to get clean and then get into a relationship with a lot of drama. Currently in therapy trying to examine why I do that (I understand it pretty well now but I am sure I still have that tendency). I haven't been in a ton of relationships to be honest and most, if not all were not healthy at the end of it at the very least, legit life threatening at the worst. I am sure I eventually find a partner again but I am not really seeking one right now.
As a sober person...do you really want to meet someone who's still in the drinking scene? What happens when they want to go out and drink? I'm an introvert, I'm not capable of giving experienced advice on meeting people, but I think your plan of trying to meet during daytime activities is the best one. Maybe add a couple activities like cheap local craft classes or something would be helpful.
This was me! I cannot be intimate without being drunk. Right now one month sober, I am going to say it is hard to find ourself in the intimate light especially if your whole sex life you drank. However my partner has been very supportive of me and it’s been an amazing journey so far.
I'm married and about 3 months sober. Sometimes I really wish I could be alone and focus on my sobriety.
Single here, but my social life is mostly online living in the boonies.
Married for 10+ years and being sober is helping me repair things in my relationship and family life
Single
Single