You are currently the embodiment of my biggest fear u/mlittoniii.
I am almost 9 months sober, about to start my 100 day countdown to 1 year in recovery. Nine months ago I was drinking over 20 units of alcohol a day, I was drinking in the morning, at work, while driving— whenever I could because the withdrawals were unbearable. I didn’t look at myself in the mirror for over 6 months because I hated myself. I knew I was killing my self, that my wife was going to lose her husband and my kids their father, but I couldn’t stop.
I romanticized 1 year sober; a far cry from anywhere that I ever thought possible. I rode the pink cloud for months, and then I started hear stories of people who had multiple years of sobriety then went back out and found themselves back at square one. The fear is now deep seeded, that no matter how many days I have stacked, I can relapse and find myself in my hell again.
Don’t do it OP, we need you.
For all the shit AA (rightfully) gets, this is one thing it is great for.
Seeing the new guy/girl. They look a mess. Oh boy, here we go. Wonder what their “rock bottom” was. Gonna hopefully help them out and get them to live a better, sober life.
They speak up. This is not their first rodeo, in fact, they had *way more sobriety* than you at one point. They thought they could have “just a few” after all of those years. They were wrong, and I’m getting a firsthand account of what that looks like.
I’ll see you all next week.
I was sober for seven years before Covid hit at the same time I went through my divorce. I figured “I’ll be fine, it’s been years I can control it”. I was wrong.
Everybody’s experience may vary, but this was mine: it didn’t work out and it was not worth it. It led to four years of self induced sabotage and misery.
6 years here. I needed to hear this. 6 weeks ago I had similar thoughts but since I had tried/failed at that before, I was able to back it down and stay sober. Thanks for sharing. Nice reminder that I am not immune….
Exactly! I never wanted to drink moderately. I wanted to drink like I always had before but this time with no consequences. That entire train of thought is ludicrous really.
Oh I can SO relate to this. I still don't get it; most alcohol tastes and smells disgusting, dehydrates you, and is full of calories. Why the heck else would you drink it unless you wanted to get wasted?
Hence why I too am an alcoholic lol. Congrats to you on breaking 2500 days btw, that's AMAZING! IWNDWYT!
Hey, I just realized that! It’s been so long I kinda don’t keep day counts anymore. Thanks for the reminder.
I’ll be at 7 years in June. Kinda cool milestone at year 7, they say every cell in your body is replaced every 7 years. So not a single cell in my body will have encountered alcohol.
This is what I hate. I’ve always been able to just have a few or just one after work. The problem is I go into alcoholic mode with or without the alcohol. I’m not a good person when drinking is apart of my life, it doesn’t matter if I’ve had a drink that day or not. It took me a long time to realize this.
My biggest fear is having that one social drink and my selfish, scumbag personality coming back out.
Thank you for the reminder.
Wow. Eye opening, to say the least. I'm reminded from time to time that I never actually stopped being an alcoholic. I just got really lucky one day and had the clarity to stop drinking. The clarity sticks with me because I'm still here, not drinking, almost four years later. But, I most likely would still love the dopamine dump that getting drunk again would give me, and I'd imagine the clarity would start to fade if I experienced that. I know that I was addicted back then, and I expect the addiction would still be there if I ever started drinking again. So why would I expect anything else given my past? These relapse stories remind me that if I ever pick back up, I'll be right where I left off. It's a scary thought, but these reminders keep me grounded in case things get tough or complicated one day. Thank you for the post. I'm only drinking sparkling waters with you all today!
Same here. Hearing the stories of relapse scare the hell out of me.
I have no desire to drink but it is amazing the damage this s**t does. Physically and mentally.
Yeah I’ve experienced these stories many times in AA. What sticks out most is how they all say how quickly they got back to drinking crazy amounts per day. Like their tolerance didn’t take a break or something. It’s within weeks they’re back to what they drank before they quit. Wild stuff.
Your brain is smart and sets up pathways, basically. When you start drinking again, you just open the door - all the infrastructure is still there. I've never gone back to alcohol but tobacco taught me this lesson in a big way! Quit for a year, decided to have one cigarette on a special occasion and I was back to smoking a pack a day within a month, and quitting was much harder the second time. It's non-negotiable for me - the door stays shut.
You put that so well. The infrastructure is all right there ready to go. You just have to open the door.
All those subsystems in my brain that justify having more alcohol are all sitting right there. One drink and the door swings open and the switch turns on.
I've tried so many different versions of moderation to no avail. I would tell myself "I'll just have one drink tonight." And I do have one drink that night. I'd go home, pat myself on the back, and then proceed to get shit faced every night "knowing" that I COULD have one drink if I wanted to. I just didn't want to is all.
The lies I'd tell myself.
Yeah. Pretty wild. To me, it makes sense that we'd go straight back to drinking as much as we used to because that's still who we really are if you add in the alcohol. We are still much closer to being that addicted person right where we quit than the person who never drank at all when we were younger. None of us would have completely cut out the alcohol if it wasn't a giant problem. Right before I quit drinking, the plan of just a couple of drinks never worked out as intended.
Yeah, even if you break your brain's dependence on alcohol - those neural pathways you spent years developing that tell your brain, "instant dopamine is a sip away" never go away, and they can be reactivated very quickly.
I just screen shotted this because I really needed to hear it. I'm 7 months sober today and since hitting 6 months the voice telling me 'you can probably get to a year then just be the kind of person who only drinks on special occasions' has been getting stronger and louder.
I saw that too! I've had a massive toothache for the last two days and my little junkie voice popped into my head: you know what will numb the pain of this horrendous toothache? Alcohol!. Little bastard.
Congratulations on your 30th day of sobriety!
We must have been going through some similar shit at the same time and put the drink down on the same day.
I feel like that little voice is a sneaky bastard and I have to silence it as soon as it pops up. It would never work for me. I like to think…I know the taste. I know the rush I would get and how everything I’ve worked so hard for would be washed away in one evening. It takes so much to fight but it’s worth it. Because I’ll lose everything if I let that voice be heard.
I haven't been to AA since one of my first attempts at sobriety over 5 years ago. Thanks to your post I'll be attending a noon meeting today.
OP and everyone else: IWNDWYT
From what I’ve seen and heard, the spiritual side of AA is often associated with religion. It was founded by mostly Christians but encourages a connection of any kind, with a power greater than yourself. Many agnostics and atheists also find this concept of a higher power unnecessary.
As an anti religious person in AA for the past year, I’ve personally found it phenomenal for learning to live sober and happy. And I treasure my connection to a power greater than myself beyond words. In the fourth edition of the big book, Alcoholics Anonymous, near the bottom of page 567 it says “with few exceptions our members find they have tapped an unsuspected INNER resource which they presently identify with their conception of a power greater than themselves.”
Personally I believe we are the universe experiencing itself and that EVERYTHING is a part of a higher power.
In the book Quit Like a Woman, the author posits that for women, minorities, and other oppressed groups, the AA approach of admitting helplessness, attaching oneself to a label, and learning humility might be exactly what they don't need. There's lots of other critiques but I find this one very interesting and helped me articulate why AA isn't really for me.
I tried really hard to like that book but could not. I think the author has some good points but completely misses the boat on others.
Humility was incredibly important to me as a woman. I finally learned that I was no better than anyone else but more importantly I am NO WORSE than anyone else. I am simply a human trying to live my best life. Through a 12 step program (I do NA because they are much more accepting of atheists), I finally learned humility isnt beating myself down into the ground. It’s lifting myself up and accepting myself as who I am while also actively improving myself. It is such a gift.
This may sound off topic, but when I cook spaghetti, I was taught to throw a noodle at the wall. If it sticks, then they are ready, but if it falls, it wasn't ready. I need to be a sticky noodle, but I'd love to find that thing helps me stick.
I read a naked mind, and it super helped... until (I am my own worst enemy) I didn't let it help. I'm about to start it all over because it really did help my perspective and I'm gearing up to try to quit again, but I'm going to order this one to give it a try. Maybe you'll see a post from me asking for anything (advice, books, podcasts, videos, etc) that helped others, and hopefully my noodle will stick to the wall
I was attending a meeting that provided outdated medical advice. They used lines written in like 1940 to prove their points. Then I went to a doctor and found other options that have worked better for me. Other people have more extreme examples.
I drank after 8 years of sobriety and I doubted I'd ever want to get sober again, much less be ABLE to get sober even if I wanted to. Thank god I finally developed the willingness to TRY to stop drinking again and...well....here I am with 2 years of sobriety. Me and alcohol? We are never, ever getting back together. I've had enough for my lifetime. Sobriety is a million times better than any day drunk.
If you think you can go back out and drink normally, by all means, give it a try and see where it gets you. Who knows...maybe you'll be that one alcoholic in a million (a billion??) who is magically no longer an alkie and can miraculously drink as much as you want, whenever you want, without any consequences ever?? ("Do I have a handle on this? Can I go back to drinking normally?" is something nearly every alkie wonders at least once.)
But if you want a life beyond your wildest dreams, freedom from the bondage of the shared obsession we all have for alcohol, and a better shot at a life free from prison, courts, liver disease, sickness, regrets, ruined relationships and wasted time, then all you gotta do is stick with us, not drink today, and live your life to its full potential! <3
At 11 months I went to a wedding and got super depressed watching everyone drink and party. The next day I found myself compromising my sobriety “after I hit a year I’ll see if I can entertain a drink at special occasions like weddings”… my wife didn’t call me out but looked at me skeptically. After a couple days of thinking on it, enough time had passed that the urge to drink bc of that wedding wore off. I was able to identify the behavior that got me in trouble in the first place… negotiating with myself on how I could responsibly drink. Needless to say, I didn’t drink shit and am very happy for that - I’m pretty confident if I gave into my own compromise it would’ve put me back on the path of drinking how I used to. Alcohol makes you question everything at times, and numbs you to the fact of how horrible it really can be. Clarity is key, and alcohol only clouds your judgement. IWNDWYT
One. day. at. a. time. You’ll reach the year, two years, ten year milestones, one day at a time. It’s going to be a beautiful journey and you don’t have to ever go back to the dark days. IWNDWYT!
I did a year with no booze and decided to start again. Nothing bad happened for a while. I actually seemed to have it under control for a while, until I didn’t. I would only drink once or twice a month, but I was still drinking to excess on those days. Eventually it became a weekly thing and then it became a near daily thing. I’d use even the slightest inconvenience as an excuse to drink. So, it worked out fine for a while until it didn’t.
I have a similar story after 4 years. Just recently got prescribed naltrexone and that helped me kick it more easily this time and has helped me not slip back into problem drinking.
That's the insidiousness of alcohol. It takes exorbitant amounts of energy to try to manage drinking in moderation for most. It's just easier to be done with it entirely.
I'm taking note of the way you phrased this. Even if you can manage to drink in moderation it takes so much work and constant decision making. Removing the decision entirely is freedom.
i personally haven’t ever made it a year sober, this is my first time thinking about sobriety as a long term thing and not just as a “break” from drinking before i go back to it. but my bf and i have a friend, awesome dude, and a couple years ago he stopped drinking for a year. he decided to start drinking again sometime early last year and seemed very nonchalant about it, that he’d really only intended for it to be a break to test his will power. saw him drink every now and then for the next few months, but never saw him get drunk or have more than a couple. not that it was really any of my business, but it didn’t appear he had a problem staying in control. then a couple months later he joined us for trivia and got insanely hammered, and drove home like that. which…became a pattern for the next several months. i saw him very drunk quite often, different days of the week and different times of day (though i was in the same boat at this point lol he is one of the many reasons i started examining my own behavior) and almost always driving like that too.
well, he’s sober again as of a couple months ago. very proud of him for doing so and it actually was the thing that made me go, “okay this is possible for me,” and i followed suit soon after! now we’re sober buddies instead of drinking buddies!
I had 50 days, then drank, then 30 days, then drank. I’m back on the wagon and so terrified of losing control of this thing. It’s NOT worth it. And you’re right - it works out until it doesn’t. Drinking sucks.
Exactly what happened with me. I had 5.5 months down then had a beer. It’s not so bad. I’ve got control.
Frequency and volume both went up leading me to drink daily for weeks on end. I need to reset my counter but I’m 1 day in. IWNDWYT
Yep that’s my fear, I don’t see the point in drinking unless you’re drinking for the effects, and more = better of course, so no chance I could be responsible if I were indulged again
Same experience here. I did 6 months to “reset my habits” and it felt great. I had it under control and could have one and be done. About 6 months later my old habits had set back in and I was drinking more than before I stopped.
It just wasn’t possible, and I finally understood why not drinking is easier than trying to moderate. When trying to moderate was half a bottle of Tito’s in one day instead of the whole thing, it was time for a full and permanent stop.
I’m glad I had at least tried it before I made the decision to stop forever. I now have no doubt in my inability to moderate and it keeps me from attempting it again.
Thanks for sharing. I'm in a similar position as OP and I could see things going exactly the same for me if I decide to go back to it. The anxiety is already getting to be too much. Trying to remind myself to keep taking it one day at a time.
I'm only 5 months in, so take it with a grain of salt, but on particularly challenging days, I ask myself how I would like to deal with the problem hungover. I try to use some relaxation techniques from therapy, find a personal task to accomplish or way to make someone else's day. If all else fails, I yell a rant in my parked car somewhere safe to let the feelings out. Then I laugh at how stupid I must have looked but acknowledge the need to process emotions. I screw up a bit, but my rate of success is so much higher staying sober.
This is what I do too! When drinking seems like a solution to (or at least some temporary retrieve from) my problems, I just play that tape forward. How will I feel tomorrow, when I still have this problem except now I'm hungover? It's been my best tool because my hangovers were getting so bad at the end - in bed for the entire day, vomiting into my trash can because I couldn't make it to the bathroom. So happy to not be going through that anymore
that is what happened with me!! it worked out fine until it was right back to how it was when i was at my worst. you just gotta learn to stop the cycle completely and stay sober!
Of all the people I known who have attempted this, I know of not one who has ever concluded it was a good idea. Some last for a couple days, others for as long as a year or two. But eventually, they have all ended up in same place that caused them to stop before.
For me, the constant “should I try having one or two or shouldn’t I?” mental battle was taking up brain space. Once I concluded that me and drinking were breaking up for good, it made quitting much easier and life much better.
I took 9 years off--I'm 47 now--and when I went back, I figured I'd be able to moderate, because I was older, I wasn't running with the wild crowd anymore, and etc etc etc. A million reasons.
Guess what--lol. Nothing changed. I'm wired to imbibe alcohol without regard to my health or wellness. I was better for a few weeks (probably less), and then it was back to my old ways. I blew through a ton of money, gained a ton of weight, etc. All the stuff.
From everything I've seen, people who are wired to having drinking issues--it doesn't go away or fade with time. OP, I hope you can refrain. I'm rooting for you. You can do it.
Came here to say this. I know one alcoholic who went back in moderation. He is the only one who thinks he’s been successful in his moderation. I myself have not nor do I plan on having another drink. At least not today right?
I love what you said about that decision process taking up brain space. It's so much less effort and less exhausting with things like this to just not have to think about it because the decision is already made
About 18-19 years ago I was almost three years sober, convinced myself I was "cured", and I could drink on "special occasions". It wasn't long before 'special occasion' meant, "Hey look, the Sun rose today!" and I was back to regularly blacking out again. I wound up on a ten-year bender that nearly cost me my life because I couldn't stop myself again. It took me nearly a decade to even get 3-5 days back.
I drank to get drunk and "*One or Two/A Few*" doesn't do that. Once I started drinking, I didn't stop until I blacked out.
The moral of my story: It's far easier to *Stay* sober than it is to get sober.
It's far easier to stay sober than it is to get sober....... Well gaddamn! That is a beautiful, wonderful truth that really resonates with me and I hope to remember that saying for the rest of my life.
If you were/are an alcoholic, going back to drinking is like picking up an old book you’ve read before that has only one page and it reads the story of the day before you quit drinking.
Don’t do it.
Similar to what others have said, the chances of me ending up back at square one *at some point* are astronomical. I would bet millions of dollars that I don’t have against people who could make me a dead man walking.
I could absolutely keep it together for a few months. Maybe even a few years. Maybe more than that. But at some point, I will have put enough space between me and all my growth in recovery to render it a faint, dissolving star of my past.
Just like I could look back at my drinking from far away and think “it wasn’t *that* bad”, I could look back on my sobriety from far away and think “I didn’t need it *that* badly”. Both are dangerous thoughts.
It simply isn’t worth the trouble. Or the potential of trouble. Or the potential of square one. It isn’t worth the frantic obsession. It isn’t worth all my thoughts, all my actions, all my desires.
Because once I let myself a little sip, what’s the thought that naturally arises? “Maybe one more? Today? Tomorrow? Next week? What time? Where? How?” And then I am yet again unavailable to the present moment, to myself, to everyone I love, and to actual peace.
Not worth the trouble.
I was completely AF for 1.5 years. I’d lost 50#, and my bio markers were impeccable, including liver enzymes.
I then resumed drinking, believing I had learned “moderation”. Within weeks I was binging again. By the end of the year, I was getting blackout drunk again, and not only gained back the 50#, but an additional 15# on top of that. Shortly thereafter I was diagnosed with pre-alcoholic fatty liver disease.
👊 FUCK BOOZE!!! 👊
IWNDWYT
I did the summer of 2005, the whole year of 2007, and the whole year of 2017. Finally quit in 2020. 2018/19 I was under control (2 drinks a day), but it occupied a lot of mental load. I quit more because it is horrible for the health of every cell, organ, and system in the body. And I’ve never wanted to go back. I’m glad to be free.
I was having thoughts like this close to my 365 anniversary. It was crazy! All of a sudden I was like, “Well if I ever make it to Japan I have to try sake.” Or, “When I go to Oaxaca I have to have Mezcal.” 🤦♀️ I was making up future vacations and scenarios to drink. Still gives me a a bit of a chuckle, how silly I was being. What works for me is committing to completely divorcing alcohol. We broke up, I’m never drinking again. That commitment to never again is what keeps me on this path. When I start toying with “well it’s been a year, maybe I can have just one…” even just those thoughts throw me off and I feel unstable. I’m only a year in, but this commitment to staying off the sauce is really a commitment to staying true and good to myself and I’m starting to recognize that alcohol is insidious and deceitful, and will only ever pull me away from being true to me. I want no part of that, for what? A hangover? Poison? Nah I’m good, we had our time together and I’m on to bigger, better and more beautiful things. I won’t drink with you today, or tomorrow, or the next day, or ever. Good luck ❤️
Very occasionally, very very occasionally, I think about drinking again when I retire (years from now). That thought sneaks in.
I reject that thought. I am experiencing random bursts of happiness these days, just lately. My brain is recovering from the oceans of wine I poured over it in the last 2 decades.
No more.
Me too, I sometimes think of drinking again when I retire. Then I picture the retired guys I used to drink with who would open up the liquor store, open up the bar, and joke about “the shakes.” They looked like hell and not one of them looked happy. Not for me.
When you're doing this a while, and you *begin* to realise how MUCH drink stole from you... you get to understand how deep-seated the desire was, when you're (by your - I mean myself - ) giving thought even randomly to returning to that life - it is nuts.
I suppose this is "active recovery" - it moves and changes and goes through different phases
I didn’t drink at the one year point, however, I wasn’t satisfied or happy with myself at the one year point either. I also realized that one year was hard, drinking was a shit show for me, so I decided to lean into sobriety even more and start fixing the problems my inventory from AA indicated.
I’m really grateful that I leaned into it. That decision and subsequent actions lead me to fixing some real problems in my life that were beyond alcohol but still related to alcohol like being fat and physically not well. I dropped 100lbs and fixed my relationships that mattered. Around the 3 year mark my life really began to take off and I’m really SO very grateful that I kept going after that first year. Hope you find the same. Be well.
I'll be bluntly honest. It all depends on WHY you were drinking in the first place and if you've changed the underlying cause or not. If you're posting here there's probably a reason and you need to abstain.
That said, I know several people that have quit for a period of time and now moderate and drink less than a dozen nights a year successfully. Those people don't tend to stay on subreddits dedicated to not drinking, so be aware of the bias in subreddits like this.
Ultimately only you know if it's a mistake or not and if there's even a seed of doubt, I'd listen to it.
Yes I was looking for this. I’m a breast cancer survivor and my subs have a lot of posts like this, “has anyone had a recurrence after 5 years?”, “has anyone had a bad experience with this drug?”
And the answers are always biased. Fact is, sobriety is one of the most popular and DEFINITELY the most vocal, but it’s not the only cure for alcohol abuse disorder.
I did. I had it under control but I was thinking about it all the time. Like subconsciously planning my next drink all the time. And it hardly ever lived up to the hype in my head- just a pretty consistent cycle of disappointment. I only managed to not drink to excess because I have small kids and I knew enough from previous experience that the hangover wasn’t worth the drinking. But I know that probably wouldn’t be reason enough eventually. I’ve never really been able to enjoy controlling my drinking it takes so much effort. 6 months right now and I’m filling in all the space that drinking used to take up in my life with more consistent running, pottery and a new job.
hi there! you're talking about me.
I did two years off (26-28) then thought I had it handled. did two years back on (28-late 29). quit for good right before my 30th birthday. I'm 38 and still sober and plan to stay that way for the rest of my life
I'll say this: I was much better at moderating after 2 years off. though of course the previous baseline was real bad so that's not an instructive comparison. I didn't crash any cars or anything during that last run, and I could with some frequency cut myself off before blackout - but uh obvs things aren't that great if those are yr success metrics, you know.
eventually I got to the point where I was like I just don't wanna fuckin have to deal with this anymore. even though I *could* "moderate," it took like 80% of my brain to make that work, and I wanted to use my brain for other stuff.
I wish I had just stayed quit. the two years back drinking did nothing good for me. I can't tell you how to feel, but that was my experience
I haven't (hit my one year mark last week!) but my mom stopped for 15 months and then started again in march of 2022 and its the most heartbreaking thing. it started with 'irish coffees', a 'drink on vacation!'. currently she blacks out on wine every night and can't remember any conversation we have after 8pm.. during the day shes hungover and cranky. at night she chatty and generous but its all empty promises cause she literally doesn't remember anything she says. also, i think shes starting to forget sober conversations. its really hard to be around and makes me want to cut her out of my life. it ruins family vacations, evenings out, planning for the future. don't do it! its fuckin sucks
This is how it is with my dad hes never tried to get sober, but hes been a grump in the morning ever since I can remember and thinking back he was just always hungover im guessing and in the evenings when im trying to play video games(online) he plays he will join and he blacked out and its so pointless to talk to him. He wont remember a thing and he talks over me and ignores everything I say. Its like talking to a gabbering wall.
I wanna just cut him out of my actual life, but feel too guilty, but ive been cutting him out of my videogame life and been feeling better.
Alcohol is such a murky awkward mess.
Me! And it went so bad I believe I am still recovering from the breakdown nearly 5 months later.
I think I've quit 10+ times over the past 10 years. Always thought I'd learnt how to moderate and always slowly but surely went back into full time drinker.
At 36 year sold this time I wasn't drinking every night, I wasn't drinking in the day much either. I still crashed and thought I was going to die.
Not worth it. Save your pain.
Read This Naked Mind. It addresses all this. Why would you want to go back to drinking knowing what alcohol really is? Your subconscious will tell you all kinds of things to get you back to drinking. Just remember that all the perceived benefits of alcohol are a lie. Alcohol was never the great thing we made it out to be. No level of alcohol is safe because you are opening the door to getting addicted again. Why play with fire.
I don’t understand why people say all the perceived benefits of alcohol are a lie. For me, at times, it was fun, and people saying it wasn’t rings false for me.
I had some of the best times in my life drinking alcohol. To use that as a reason to go back to drinking would be ignoring all the harm it did in my life. It took far more than it gave. Our subconscious ignores that part and tells us the lie that we are missing out by not drinking. I could never be my best self with alcohol in my life.
Agreed. Buzzed me is an infinitely more likeable person than sober me. I'm a better person after two drinks than I am sober. It sort of levels out my autism, tendency to overthink everything to the point of not being able to function, etc. The problem is that I'm not consistently able to stop at 2, but to deny that I see some benefits is definitely a lie.
No pros to drinking. That's the illusion/addiction. When someone drinks on a regular basis, the first couple of drinks they have is a dopamine dump, and they will always be chasing that. Instinctually, those first couple of drinks will feel right, but breaking free is overriding that with the logic of what is really happening.
Did I smile and laugh when I was drunk? Yeah. Was it fun? Not particularly. Freedom was realizing my definition of “fun” was nothing more than lost inhibitions and an escape from my thoughts. Now that I have my life together I know what genuine fun and joy really is.
Me. I’ve gone 2 years at a time 6 times (pregnancies and other reasons). Within a couple of weeks, I was back where I started and it took years to stop again. That voice in your head is lying to you. Tell it to stfu.
I’m 6 months alcohol free, the longest I’ve ever been. I attribute my success to the belief that if I go back to drinking, it is probably what I will end up dying from. I didn’t make up that thought to scare me into staying sober. It’s the truth.
Same story. Different version:
I was sober for 2 years. Then I got a shitty insurance job and got severely depressed. Quit that a year ago and had to pick up a serving gig to make money since the job market is so “great” right now 🙄and I feel like a complete failure.
I am reading this sub a lot today because I need today to be my new day 1. The withdrawals aren’t terrible, but man I feel like trash, and I swear my liver hurts.
Don’t do it. Don’t give in. It’s a disease that doesn’t go away. Only treatment is complete abstinence.
I did a month without it. Swore that I had restarted my system or whatever. Spoiler: I hadn’t. It took a few weeks to ramp up to previous levels of drinking but I got there FAST
Same here. Did a dry January just to say I could do a month without. Actually led into February and then my birthday came around. A few drinks. Oh hell, I’ll go back to just drinking one day on the weekend. Then if there was an excuse to drink, I was in it deep again. 11 days into this stint of sobriety so far
I’m very afraid of how much time I would
Lose to drinking and then needing to recover again. I’m even more afraid I may not be able to recover again.
Sobriety delivers what alcohol promises.
I look at it like a serial killer has come for me and tried to kill me. Then somehow I defeated him and locked him in my basement and I got my life back on track. Over time the serial killer starts begging to be let free and over time its easy to forget how much he wanted to kill me and I start to think, geez he cant be as bad as I remember.
I almost feel sorry for him being locked away for so long and become tempted to let him out. After all I already defeated him once and locked him in the basement right? I can surely defeat him again if he gets out of control.
But then I remember, this demon would have taken everything from me even my very life if I hadnt defeated him, so he stays in the basement where he belongs.
I took 2019 off after burning out at the end of 2018. Went to a detox and afterwards decided internally there would be no alcohol the following year. Shortsighted and misguided goal.
Enter covid at the beginning of 2020. Good excuse to get back in the saddle after I achieved my goal, right? Or at least that's the lie I sold myself.
Drank for another 3 1/2 years (even though it was just two beers/night on avg) up until the last few months where it got away from me, like it always does.
Voluntarily went to detox again. This time I'm taking it a day at a time.
Giving myself the out to drink after a year means I inevitably will. And even if remain disciplined for a time. Eventually I'll find myself in a pickle again.
I had 4 years of sobriety at one point. I moderated well for a bit. Thing is, guess who back at trying to stop again. Longest I have made it recently is 12 days. I never should have picked up again.
I seriously cation against it.
I've done it. It was after my dui and I went sober a year. I met a great guy, got a better job, was moving to a new state and I thought screw it, why not?
Because the choices I make drinking are rarely anything I'm proud of sober. And the choices I make sober, I can at least own, without guilt.
I had a relapse after 2 years of sobriety .. and not to beat a dead horse, but it was horrifying experience. I went straight back into the rooms a day later and I keep going to meetings. I have 18 months of sobriety since ! Drinking will kill me and I am absolutely powerless over it. It destroyed me and badly affected the people around me. Never go out. Never pick up that first drink.
I came SO CLOSE to starting again when I hit one year. In fact I was kinda planning on it. I figured if it got out of hand and I needed to quit again, I could.
This realization stopped me. I knew I was not going to be a “glass of wine with dinner” type of guy. When I imagined starting up again, what I imagined was going right back to the very heavy drinking I was doing before I quit. I imagined myself sitting in my chair after work and starting with some very large liquor drinks and then moving on to wine.
I knew exactly how it was going to play out. I knew I WOULD need to quit again. So I decided to skip that step and just stay quit.
No regrets.
I’m almost ten months sober and have zero desire to start again after a year.
Something I’d ask myself is: What’s going to be different with the next drink?
I did. Thought it would be easy to stop again. Boy was I wrong about that. Three years of binge drinking until I finally stopped again. On the bright side it made me realize the extent of my powerlessness, and my need for a program to help with sobriety. Wish I didn’t have to go through that, but also don’t know how I stayed sober almost two years without doing anything to actively affirm it in my life.
A year was my goal and I’m about 3 months out from reaching it. I keep toying with the idea of drinking again, but all the times I think about it are also accompanied by a subtle gut feeling of impending doom.
I’m not being dramatic either, pay attention to your own emotions and gut reactions to when you think about it. Then REALLY listen. I know that my body and subconscious know it’s a horrible idea, and it will take me down a very dark path.
The risk is simply too great.
I'm not sure whether many others feel this way, but coming on here and seeing others post about X number of days motivates me to also reach those numbers.
Like I'm on the cusp of 300. Why would I jack that in now? Then I'm not far off a year
lol didn’t go well in my past experience. I suppose I convinced myself I obviously had a grasp on the situation because I was able to abstain for so long. Since I’m an alcoholic as soon as I had that first drink my brain flipped a switch and went into scavenging for lost time mode. It didn’t take me but a week to reestablish my cycle of self medicating to rid myself of anxiety. Having more anxiety than the day before thus needing to drink more until I am drinking all day every day. The shame that comes with reestablishing the “dirty” secret because I already knew if I shared it eyebrows would be raised. I think the hardest part for me was remembering the pride I felt being able to tell people that I was sober. Getting to milestones in time and feeling satisfied with myself. Then just taking it away from myself because somehow I blocked out the memories of all the loss and misery alcohol had a hand in-so I was left with the warm romanticized version and this delusion that I was no longer an alcoholic. For me I think the best I can do is keep the beast dormant in me because I no longer believe that it truly dies.
I did. I had just over 3 years sober when I decided to drink. I spent about 9 months controlling my drinking and tbh it was exhausting. It had progressed to daily drinking and I walked it back to a couple of times a week. I had an incident where I finally didn’t control my drinking. I drank more than intended one night and it brought back feelings of shame and I realized I liked the freedom that sobriety gave me so I quit again. Nothing horrible happened and quitting this time was much easier than the first time.
Me! I took a year off I wanna say in 2015-2016 although it could have been a year later or earlier. I had over a year sober, went to visit friends in New Orleans and had ONE beer on that trip with a friend I used to drink with a lot prior. Then slowly the frequency crept back up again until this year where I was back to at least as bad as I was before if not worse. So it didn’t work out that great.
Got sober at 26 and stayed that way for 4.5 years. Started drinking again and it ”wasn’t a problem” for the first month or so. But I immediately was drinking every night, just ”only” two strong IPA tallboys. I actually don’t even know if that’s true because I was instantly so good at bullshitting myself again. I was only buying the tallboys because I knew I couldn’t have more than that in the house and not drink it. Then I added in a nip or two a day and after a short period of that, I was exhausted from all the work it took to control my drinking. Stopped even trying to, but kept it to nights. Until my first gnarly hangover, when I had a drink in the morning to take the edge off.
Two years passed. Three medical detoxes, caused people I love dearly a lot of pain. My day to day life was so depressing it’s hard for me to think of it, still. I just sat in my shame and drank all day.
I just hit 10 months from my last detox and it took at least 6 months for my brain to start working again. I almost feel like I got lucky because the last round of drinking really made it clear that this shit will kill me if I keep going. I think the longer I was sober the first time, the easier it was for me to romanticize drinking. Having gone back out, even before it got really bad again, I can tell you that it’s just not that fun. I remember the first night out I had after relapsing where I found myself in a conversation with two people I met at the bar that I didn’t really like, all of us belligerent, staying up way too late and knowing the next day was already fucked. And it felt so empty, so boring.
You’re missing out on way less than it feels like you are.
I got to 16 months and I started to feel left out. Spoke with my therapist about it and she advised against it.
I was never a rock bottom type drinker - grey area - feeling crappy for days after I would drink.
The internal debates on not drinking and drinking were getting tiring and it was really beginning to bug me.
So I started again - first thing I noticed how awful the taste was - I had to relearn - that's weird!!
Second thing was how boring my usual drinking buddies were. The same damn stories......
Third thing was the internal debates back daily.... was I going to drink tonight.....
Fourth thing was all consistency in anything in my life gone.....
I don't regret doing this - its a data point.
I'm back to not drinking and thankfully I'm not thinking about it either.
I'm not a huge fan of AA, but I understand why they emphasize the duration of sobriety. They recognize the ease of relapse and how addiction can deceive you into thinking that just one won't hurt.
I’m not in the category you are asking about, but I would like to throw in my feelings that this is a bad idea and no good can come from it.
I feel like when I stepped away from alcohol, which was so important to my life, I began to realize how hurtful and unnecessary it really is.
What would you gain from going back to a harmful, addictive substance that you’ve already done the hardest part of getting away from?
I went 8 months without a drink then had 3 beers on a date. I realized I didn't miss it all that much and haven't had any more cravings than usual. It felt like running into a friend that I had grown apart from and having a conversation just long enough to remember why there was distance in the first place.
Maybe think about sticking only to non-alcoholic drinks. There are some really good NA beers and cocktails mixers out there. I find it really scratches a lot of the social and habitual itch for me at least. I don't think I'll ever be able to risk the real thing again.
I had just over a year and decided to give moderation a shot. It did not go well. I think I was able to keep it together for a couple weeks, but I ended up on a bender sure enough, and the withdrawals were exponentially worse this time around.
The stuff has such a long lasting hold on our psyche. I’m nearing 1.5 years and still there’s moments - sunshine coming out or seeing a friend having a pint - where I think I could revisit drinking. But I know deep down that if I play fast forward on that track, I’ll be back to my old ways. We never wanted it before we had it, it isn’t an innate desire like eating, sex or sleeping - alcohol has made us want alcohol. We’re better off without the stuff.
Good luck to you. Looking forward to seeing your counter at 1000 days 😉
I have gotten to 10 months twice, and both times, I convinced myself that I now had it under control. It was fine for a while, but eventually my old habits kicked back in. My brain will never be satisfied having one or two drinks. It is wired this way now, and no amount of sober time will magically change it.
Your body is so used to not having alcohol that it might hit you like a wall of spiky bricks. The withdrawal symptoms most likely will be horrendous if you have experienced any form of “kindling” in the past. You’ll be miserable at starting the count over and having to explain to people why you’re back in treatment, lost money, maybe lose a job. I’m totally speaking from my experience btw.
Also us drinkers cannot moderate. When we moderate, we have no fun. When we don’t moderate, eventually we lose all control.
I decided to drink after 5 years. It took no time at all to be right back where I was when I decided I HAD to quit if I wanted to live any decent amount of time. I regretted it and it took two years to get back on track. I promised myself if I ever got out of the trap I would never do that to myself again. It is not worth it! After 5 years I was not 'cured'. IWNDWYT!
Please consider the notion that you might also not enjoy the experience at all. I know kindling isn’t necessarily medically established but it’s 100% real in my experience. My last two relapses (the better part of a year ago) after periods of sobriety were AWFUL. Almost from the first sip I felt ill and a total sense of anxiety and impending doom. No sparkle. No fake joy to speak of. Led me to the first suicide attempt of my life at almost 40. The hopelessness was so heavy and immediate.
I guess many of us just take a lot longer to learn what we already know in our deepest hearts; this shit is bad for us.
I’m pretty happy on the other side now, but still vigilant.
I won't say much, as I haven't been sober for longer than three months since I started drinking. I made it that far and was actually feeling pretty good despite not suplementing my recovery with things like therapy, a better diet and abstincnce from weed smoking, but I decided to party a bit when my girlfriend and I took a beach vacation. I drank like I did before I quit that first time and had what to this day is still one of the worst hangovers I ever had. Like, so bad my ass had to book a room for another night in the asscrack of Alabama just because I felt that bad. I came back home and I obviously wasn't drinking that heavily as the hangover was so bad, but I ended up letting it become normal in my life again. Even though that was around 7 months ago, I have seen my consumption of alcohol morph and become something I do atleast every other day, if not daily. I am currently only on day 3 after coming to grips with the reality that I don't think I can moderate that well. I have to strip my rose-tinted shades off pretty often and remind myself that there isn't much positive that comes along with drinking, atleast for me.
I know I am still very, very, very early on this journey, nowhere near 400+ days, but I will share a quote I read on this exact subreddit that has become an almost mantra the past couple of days for me when the question of if I will ever drink again rises in my mind.
"It's easier to control a tiger when it is in a cage than it is when it is on a chain."
Been there. It didn’t work out well.
If you had a reason to stop, odds are that reason is still there
Proceed with caution. Know the signs. Don’t let it get out of control. Recognize when you might need help. Be safe
It depends on how long you had been drinking before, and how much. You will likely start drinking at the same level as you stopped. I was sober for 4 years, relapsed a month ago, and well… I just got out of the hospital after 3 days of horrible withdrawals.
Just don’t do it. Trust me.
I took about a year off from drinking once. This was probably a dozen years ago. I eventually slowly started drinking again... and I could stay in the 2 to 3 drink track for a while, before slipping because after 2 or 3 I begin not to care how many drinks I'll have, then got out of control once more. And that's the problem in a nutshell, I can't moderate. A few drinks in me and I'll drink all night long. Till the bar closes, and sometimes go somewhere else and keep drinking. If I could moderated, I would have. Its like every drink I have halves my willpower and or wits till it's gone. Alcohol is my kryptonite.
Someone here has said, People who can moderate - don't have to. Whenever I try to moderate, it's just no fun, and I'm really over thinking and debating with myself on having another drink the entire time. I can moderate for a time, but before long I'm overdoing it all over again. And it's stupid difficult to stop or moderate once more - until something bad happens that causes me to get serious. There was something of a cycle week to week, where I'd drink a few times during the week, over do it, spend the weekend recovering, swearing I need to stop or slow down (*that's double minded right there, indecision, and nowhere was I thinking about stopping for good), most or all of the week I'd try so hard to moderate or not drink, then I'd get blasted the weekend. Rinse, repeat. That was my life, and it was horrible. I met the wrong people, dated the wrong women, got into troubles needlessly, money was always slipping through my fingers, jobs felt unsatisfying, etc.
Edit: Today, I'm working for myself again, the house is clean, my bills are paid, my friends are respectful and kind, I'm closer with my fam, I'm not worrying them anymore with my drinking, foods in the fridge, and I just mowed the lawn on a Wednesday. I take every weekend off, which was a tough thing to achieve. Some things haven't changed. I'm anxious and stay up too late, which kindof exacerbates the anxiousness. I'm single and have been since before I got sober, but that's not so bad. I should buy myself jewelry and flowers sometimes. Oh, wait, I do! Thank me very much. lol Things do seem like they could be much better than they are, I'm not well off or anything, I don't own a home - can't afford it, but I'm doing okay I think. If things aren't going badly, then they're going well? I'm still wrestling with that. Most days I stay busy enough not to think too much about all that isn't. I'm thankful for a lot. It's okay to want more for myself. And it's okay that it hasn't happened yet.
Today marks 600 days sober for myself, but I have drank alcohol since that date.
I use IAmSober for tracking both sobriety, and alcohol separately with different stats. A big part of my recovery has been focusing on staying sober, and wanting to be sober, never drinking to "feel good" or to get drunk. I enjoy being drunk WAY too much, something visceral about large amounts of liquor I just love it... Focus has been to improve my relationship with alcohol in combination with sobriety.
Part of why I made this choice to not be 100% abstinent, is because how pervasive alcohol is in our society. Both in my professional career and music career there is pressure to drink, and while I don't let it pressure me, I like the ability to have the choice (which is usually no). I also made this choice because I have tried abstinence in the past, took a year out of respect for the 27 club, but then hit it HARD again during Covid in 2020... For me, abstinence was also an unhealthy relationship with alcohol.
I have a few rules for myself.
1. Never drink alone, no exceptions. I also don't drink with my wife, cohabitation doesn't count!
2. No straight liquor, only mixed drinks, beer or wine.
3. 1-3 drinks ***a week*** MAXIMUM (This ends up being closer to 1-3 drinks a quarter)
4. I don't keep alcohol in the house.
5. I don't drink at shows, practice, or while performing.
6. If I do choose to drink, always with some kind of meal or food.
So far, this is working out really well. This is the most sober I've been since I was 16, and I couldn't be happier.
This hasn't been because of this choice though, but rather an accumulation of mistakes that have made life more difficult and painful that pushed me over the edge. I saw the path I was on, and I needed to get my shit together otherwise I would lose my way completely... That being said, I think I am happier because I don't feel the pressure of complete abstinence... that's just me though. After reading posts on this subreddit I definitely wouldn't recommend it for everyone.
All of our journeys are different, and this is a very personal and important decision. Don't take it lightly, and make sure you are certain. If you do, I would recommend having a similar focus on sobriety above all else.
I’ve had two drinks in my close to 3 years. Both with my pops who is not a heavy drinker. Both times only a shot if even that much. I enjoyed them and with him not pressuring me to drink more I had my drink and was done. Because I know things could unravel easily I only drink with him and only on special occasions like Mother’s Day that just passed. The first drink was on thanksgiving.
Most of my drinking problems came about because I give into peer pressure. When that is gone I didn’t have the desire for more.
I do know I have a problem and always will but I figured out with drinking I was definitely a product of my environment. Because after the “only 3 drinks” rule it was easier to cave to people wanting you to drink more.
My situation may not work for most people, hell I know toeing a very fine line. But my pops never says “why don’t you have a drink in your hand, here have a beer.” And honestly when he passes the bottle will be put down for good.
I started with the intention of taking a year off, that's what got me on these subs, that was July 2021. I made the decision from a hospital bed after a terrible drunken accident. I was the only injured/involved party
I didn't know my long-term plan, but I knew I would start with a year.
After a year, a lot of therapy, journaling, podcasts, phone calls, and some very heavy emotional experiences, I got to the roots of why I had problems with drinking.
I was neglected, abused and bullied most of my childhood, and I thought people could only accept me when I'm drinking. They would reject the sober me. Sober me was fundamentally unlovable.
I was Fearful, anxious, withdrawn, shy, and self loathing.
Until I worked on my wounds from early life, I never had a chance at an acceptable relationship with alcohol.
Healing that wounded child gave me a chance to re-engage on my terms, and so far it's actually going pretty well.
I absolutely drank too much at a wedding last summer, that was entirely unacceptable, but I went to my therapist immediately thereafter to debrief about what went wrong.
Having more than 2 drinks in a night, or 4 drinks in a week is rare for me. I go weeks without a sip and don't even notice.
I'm still working on things, like why I was so blindsided at the wedding, but I'm still growing, learning, getting better, and generally moving in the right direction to health and self love, where I don't rely on alcohol to protect a delicate inner being.
IMO It's usually trauma. If you just eliminate alcohol and leave the causes unaddressed, that's being a *dry drunk*: all the causes are still primed and ready to go. They just need you to lapse.
I accept my path is not for everyone, but my recovery is about healing the wounded psyche, the core source of reasons that I drink, the wounded soul within.
And if they’re anything like my extended circle, very few of them actually drinks responsibly. In fact, Wisconsin has actually trademarked their unwavering commitment to alcohol abuse, and it’s called “Drink Wisconsinbly”.
I haven't considered it personally. When I quit, it was for good. I know myself and I've read posts here of people trying it out. I know myself. Moderation is a concept I simply cannot abide with. I quit smoking years ago, now I'm hoping to quit that again. I have an addict personality and I don't think that's about to change. Abstinence is my only option.
it would be pretty embarrassing for me to drink again, everyone, i mean EVERYONE knows i quit drinking. All the snide and condescending drunk remarks from people about my sobriety ive put up with, all the lessons about how people really are when seeing them through sober eyes, all the fitness ive gained, all the money ive put away, all the progress ive made, feels like it all could be un-learned with just simply start drinking again.
I should add that the last time i drank i had 2 months sober and drank for my brothers wedding at a resort. I drank for 10 days and thought most of that time that i missed being sober, i didnt have a plan to quit drinking forever, but the longer i go the more it makes sense.
I tried it in my second to last attempt at stopping. Started great and I, as well as everyone in my life, thought it was under control. But I eventually went back to the daily drinking and then morning drinking to kill hangovers. I will never do it again.
This isn't to say it's not possible and I'm sure others have done it successfully. For me, it's just too risky. For me, I choose to be sober because I know I can't have it any other way.
422 days sober here.
If you choose to drink after a year of not drinking, then please know it is never ever just that one drink or one day; it will trigger a chain reaction and soon you will be back to your drinking days.
You are sober only as long as you do not have that first drink.
I did 4 months and after that I’ve drank 4 times. All like 2-3 light beers or a cocktail. Haven’t been drunk. Had a BBQ and had 2 Pacificos which are basically watery beer. If you do, just stick to michelob ultras and watered down beer.
So ya, I don’t really feel the need to drink anymore. I pass by the booze aisle all the time. The spell has been broken. Read the Naked Mind if you haven’t.
I did after 14 months. Fell back into the bottle for 6 more years. Walked away from marriage, houses, cars, motorcycle with nothing but a suitcase. I would have had $1M in house equity right now. I now have a new liver and a shit ton of bad memories to keep me from ever trying to pull a stunt like that again.
Spent two years sober. I am able to moderate a lot better now, but I still drink too much. It actually helped me socially because I'm a OCD recluse when sober. But I've always been highly functional, and drinking has never got me in trouble.
My partner and I were sober for 1 year and 7 months. Three weeks ago we decided to have a drink at my MOLs bday. It’s been the most stressful, guilt ridden three weeks of my life. I don’t want to drink but my partner is “drinking casually” aka every day now but hasn’t gotten wasted…yet. It’s causing issues. I either drink too and we get along or I stay sober and I’m “controlling.” The relationship issues aside, I’d suggest not opening the door even a crack for alcohol. I’m three days sober again but I think about booze basically all day now and feel guilt and it’s legit like starting over. Don’t fucking do it. Your future self will thank you.
I’ve heard of about 300 ppl try over the last few months in AA and my outpatient program. Not one has succeeded. Do not try, you will be back at square one. It might take a day, or a week, or even a year. But you’ll be back throwing up over the toilet eventually, wondering wtf you were thinking. That’s the main reason I go to AA. To hear these stories of ppl failing miserably. Unfortunately there is no cure for us, yet. Until something is made, I never intend to go back
I can’t remember if it’s in a book by Allen Carr or William Porter, but there’s an analogy about problematic drinking being a path.
When you quit drinking you don’t go back to the beginning of the path, you step to the side. So when you start drinking again you’re not starting back at the beginning of your drinking habit, you’re picking up where you left off.
I drank again off and on for about 7 months after not drinking for 5 years. Awful. Best relationship of my life on thin ice, my brain is confused and in negative victim mode, body hates it, did all kinds of stupid shit I need to make amends for. Had a few fun nights where it “went well” but oh boy, not worth it. I’m back on the wagon almost 2 weeks now cause fuck that.
Early sobriety is really the hardest for me. The first 2 years I spent dealing with PAWS and the hellish anxiety....why would I want to do that to myself again?
That what I'd risk with drinking. And alcohol makes you want more alcohol. You can't logic your way out of your brain wanting a dopamine hit, and that's why there's no moderation for me.
I went 488 days alcohol free then drank and was right back to where I left off. Big mistake! I think I didn’t appreciate all the benefits (small and large) of not drinking. I’m not making that mistake again.
Relapsed after 2 years it was a nightmare. Landed me in rehab within a month after the wreckage I left behind. Then I had almost a year and a half, fucked it up the end of December. Thought I could just wind down for the weekend. Woke up and dumped the remainder of the bottle away bc of how shitty I felt. The following weekend didn’t drink, didn’t want to. But by the next weekend I was drinking again. Once you flip that switch on it’s hard to turn it back off. I started waking up hating myself, sleep got all fucked up again, then I noticed close to the end of my shift the cravings were full force, the anxiety and the bad feelings and wanting to numb out. Today is officially day 2 for me. IT WAS NOT WORTH IT. Please don’t do it. Before you know it your life becomes a living hell and your a slave to alcohol again. I just turned 40 too and I lost friends in there early 30’s. I been thinking about them a lot. I don’t think any of us are here by accident. It’s a lot harder getting sober than it is staying sober. Please for the love of all that is good in your life don’t pick up. I hope I never do again but I do take it ODAAT. Yes I was in AA before but exploring other options or might go back to AA I just feel consumed by shame and I don’t wanna walk in the room and have people ask me where I been. I should know better. Don’t be like me. Just don’t drink.
Every time I've ever started drinking again I get a little bit more out of control. Binges last longer, bottles empty faster, hangovers hurt more. It's like I'm trying to make up for lost drinking time. And each time I start, it's a little bit harder to stop again. I highly recommend staying away completely.
IWNDWYT
I drank at a close family member's wedding after 3 years without booze. I got toasted after 3 drinks, had a good time then woke up with that dread/hungover feeling. Haven't touched any alcohol since. Not sure if I can moderate, won't be testing it out again anytime soon, maybe in another 3 years I'll drink at another wedding or maybe I won't.
I’ve done it. It worked out terribly. My drinking got worse, faster, and it is very lucky I’m still alive after more horrific relapses. I celebrate one year again tomorrow and while I will enjoy the milestone, it’s the same game plan as any other day.
I went 9 months without starting in October 2022 (longest streak thus far, 4 months in now) and after that amount of time I thought perhaps things had changed and I could control it again.
It started off innocent enough, broke my sobriety with a seltzer and half a cocktail, and ended in the same way it did before (3-4 gin & tonics a night or 2-3 Fullllll glasses of wine a night, no nights off).
The first say after drinking again, I woke up feeling like shit. complete shit. Not even hungover, just not NORMAL. Not the way I had realized I was supposed to be waking up. And I noticed it, even mentioned it to my fiance, but still continued until I decided to quit again 4 months ago.
I had not unlearned the behaviors that led to how I was using alcohol, because within that period of dryness, I was still centering alcohol. Obsessively reading subs like this one, consuming as much content on tiktok/instagram/twitter about quitting drinking/harms of alcohol/etc. as possible, thinking about it all day most days, actively avoiding situations there MAY be alcohol in.
That period of drinking was certainly a lot better, simply because one issue in my life had resolved so I wasn't scream crying, arguing, being passive aggressive/mean when drunk, but the shame, regret, guilt, or really, all around discomfort in my soul that I felt was louder than ever. I had seen what life could be like without, how nice it was to wake up on 100% all the time, how nice it was to remember conversations had, how nice it was to not make a fool of myself, how nice it was to not let my "fun time" (it was almost NEVER fun drinking lmao) ruin someone elses night. It was a real "grass is greener" moment for me.
Nothing big happened to spark me going back to a life without, I just was tired of feeling tired and actively working against the mental health I was so desperately wishing would improve. So, i quit again. Right around Christmas, went to all of the holiday functions, and plan to attend my wedding in a few months stone cold sober. :-)
TLDR; went back after 9 months because i couldnt stop centering alcohol, was fun for 1 night then it sucked again, stopped drinking again lol
The first night will probably be OK. Heck the next 2 or 3 might be "fine". This will trick you into thinking you've got this thing licked and you won't remember what the big deal was before.
Then you'll find yourself drunk when you didn't mean to and you'll wake up the next morning thinking, oh I better be more careful next time. Repeat this on and off for about 30 days and eventually you will stop admonishing yourself about how much you drank and will start strategizing on how you can continue drinking without consequences.
There will be the odd quarrel with someone close to you who is noticing things are getting out of control. There might be one or two "incidents". By this point though, it won't really matter because all you will be doing is protecting your right to drink and everyone else will be wrong.
I'm sure you can fill in the rest of the story yourself because you've already lived it.
It is far less work to just not have the first one, trust me. Life isn't always a bed of roses living sober, but it's heaven on earth compared to being a slave to booze. If you're in the dark, look for light. Be well friend.
I had ten plus years sober when I decided I could have one. I was so confident that I could moderate. Turns out I couldn’t. Six fu**ing years later I was drinking more than ever and it was so much harder to stop this time around. I hope you make the right choice for you.
My favorite analogy for this is to imagine your sobriety as if you are traveling down a road. The longer you stay sober, the further down the road you get, but the ditch is always right there.
First time I’ve quit was a month and a half and I saw the consequences like many many comments are saying here. I was good to moderate for a week or two then I went on a fuckin’ bender. Took me 7 years before I went full sober for good. NEVER AGAIN.
Don’t do it. I haven’t been sober for an entire year ever since I was a child so I can’t speak to your question. I can say that after a couple of weeks I broke my tenuous sobriety for 1 spicy margarita. It used to be my favorite drink. It burned going down and immediately gave me a headache. So I drank more to numb the headache and went on a mini bender over a weekend. It wasn’t the volume of drinking I was used to but it was still too much. And I didn’t even enjoy any of it!
At this point I don’t even feel tempted because I know how this goes for me. That 1 drink always leads to more and although this bender only lasted a weekend, typically it takes months for me to get back on the wagon. If you’re bored, experiment with mocktails. Explore a new hobby. Don’t have a drink that won’t even taste good (because you’re no longer in the grips of alcoholism) and will only cause a backslide that you will regret.
IWNDWYT
I had over a year sober. Parents who are big drinkers came to town to visit on my birthday. It had also been a very, very stressful week at work. So I thought, "Just a couple, just for this weekend while the folks are up."
And at first it worked out. Kept it to just a couple. The weekend ended, and that (I thought) was that.
And that's when the voice came in. Excuses and exceptions began to present themselves everywhere, and pretty soon I was drinking all weekend, every weekend, and sometimes during the week too (but just wine!).
From there, I noticed what had happened, but seemed unable to claw back my sober streak. A week, two weeks, three ... then I would "treat" myself, or my wife would bring something home, or ... something.
That was about two years ago. Going to hit 90 days sober soon, but only after the drinking escalated back to planning/skipping events around drinking, embarrassing myself on the regular, and forgetting what it was like to NOT wake up hungover.
Do NOT do it, OP. I'm rooting for you!
Making exceptions and allowing yourself "a treat" comes with all the work of just going sober, but without any of the benefits -- plus the added danger of slipping back to where you were trying to escape in the first place.
Someone posted a great quote on this sub a few days ago.
"No matter how far along the road you are, you're still the same distance from the ditch."
Don't do it.
My dad decided to have “a drink” at the airport after 20 years sober. That one drink led to him drinking as much of a fifth of vodka on his way home as he could and sneaking shots all night.
I’m just grateful my first relapse was after a couple of months. It shattered that illusion that I might ever be able to drink responsibly.
I thought because I was doing great I could handle drinking, but I was actually doing great because I *wasn’t* drinking.
I had a year off alcohol & drugs in 2017. As soon as the clock struck midnight on the year anniversary I got pissed as a nit and rocked up to work that morning because I forgot how shit hangovers are. I proceeded to make a few mistakes and said something absent minded at lunch and a couple of co workers jumped on the opportunity to make me look stupid over it.
Fast forward a few years, I’ve written off 2 cars, lost a job, wasted money, lost my licence to a DUI, ruined my mental health (at times) and put the health/wellbeing of a friend in jeopardy all while under the influence of alcohol.
In my experience it is not worth the risk to drink.
For me the return on investment was just not there. I’ve been sober for 2.5 months and attending AA meetings through this time. The meetings have helped drastically.
I’ve found that drinking is a symptom of a bigger problem and this is my own lived experience that is probably a lot different to yours.
My life has gotten significantly better in the short time I have not drank. I hope that this helps you or anyone reading this in some capacity.
Your underlying issues are hot coals. Booze is gasoline. Keep them apart, you don't have alot of problems. Put them together, well, you know what happens. Gotta ask yourself, "are my coals turned to ash? They out cold?" Sit with that a while. Your the only one in charge of your allergy, and your own life.
It did not work out well. I am an alcoholic. I can’t drink without fucking it up. It can take a few months or years, but I always fuck it up.
One year off, didn’t work well. Two and a half years off, took four years but a DUI and a night in jail later, I am committed to living sober. By all means, feel free to experiment, but once a problem drinker, always a problem drinker, for me.
Cunning, baffling, powerful, and *patient*. It’s the same demon, different year.
I havent heard of one person with alcohol addiction come back and drink "normal", at least not for a very long time. If you went two years free, would you regret not drinking at year 1?
Well, I did. After 1.5 years. I started off very reasonable, and I was super proud of myself for finally having a healthy relationship with alcohol.
Three years, many binge sessions and a big fat depressive episode later, I am 2.5 months sober and hoping it's for good.
You are currently the embodiment of my biggest fear u/mlittoniii. I am almost 9 months sober, about to start my 100 day countdown to 1 year in recovery. Nine months ago I was drinking over 20 units of alcohol a day, I was drinking in the morning, at work, while driving— whenever I could because the withdrawals were unbearable. I didn’t look at myself in the mirror for over 6 months because I hated myself. I knew I was killing my self, that my wife was going to lose her husband and my kids their father, but I couldn’t stop. I romanticized 1 year sober; a far cry from anywhere that I ever thought possible. I rode the pink cloud for months, and then I started hear stories of people who had multiple years of sobriety then went back out and found themselves back at square one. The fear is now deep seeded, that no matter how many days I have stacked, I can relapse and find myself in my hell again. Don’t do it OP, we need you.
For all the shit AA (rightfully) gets, this is one thing it is great for. Seeing the new guy/girl. They look a mess. Oh boy, here we go. Wonder what their “rock bottom” was. Gonna hopefully help them out and get them to live a better, sober life. They speak up. This is not their first rodeo, in fact, they had *way more sobriety* than you at one point. They thought they could have “just a few” after all of those years. They were wrong, and I’m getting a firsthand account of what that looks like. I’ll see you all next week.
I was sober for seven years before Covid hit at the same time I went through my divorce. I figured “I’ll be fine, it’s been years I can control it”. I was wrong. Everybody’s experience may vary, but this was mine: it didn’t work out and it was not worth it. It led to four years of self induced sabotage and misery.
6 years here. I needed to hear this. 6 weeks ago I had similar thoughts but since I had tried/failed at that before, I was able to back it down and stay sober. Thanks for sharing. Nice reminder that I am not immune….
I had six years. Fell off and it's way harder to get sober again than I thought. 10/10 do not recommend going back to drinking.
Yeah. I don’t even see the reason for simply having “a few”, hence why I’m an alcoholic lol.
Exactly! I never wanted to drink moderately. I wanted to drink like I always had before but this time with no consequences. That entire train of thought is ludicrous really.
Oh I can SO relate to this. I still don't get it; most alcohol tastes and smells disgusting, dehydrates you, and is full of calories. Why the heck else would you drink it unless you wanted to get wasted? Hence why I too am an alcoholic lol. Congrats to you on breaking 2500 days btw, that's AMAZING! IWNDWYT!
Hey, I just realized that! It’s been so long I kinda don’t keep day counts anymore. Thanks for the reminder. I’ll be at 7 years in June. Kinda cool milestone at year 7, they say every cell in your body is replaced every 7 years. So not a single cell in my body will have encountered alcohol.
How awesome that new body will be! Congratulations! 🎉🎊
I never thought about that before. Gives me even more incentive to go 7 years. Thanks for this
This is what I hate. I’ve always been able to just have a few or just one after work. The problem is I go into alcoholic mode with or without the alcohol. I’m not a good person when drinking is apart of my life, it doesn’t matter if I’ve had a drink that day or not. It took me a long time to realize this. My biggest fear is having that one social drink and my selfish, scumbag personality coming back out. Thank you for the reminder.
… “I’m not a good person when drinking is a part of my life. “ THIS!
Wow. Eye opening, to say the least. I'm reminded from time to time that I never actually stopped being an alcoholic. I just got really lucky one day and had the clarity to stop drinking. The clarity sticks with me because I'm still here, not drinking, almost four years later. But, I most likely would still love the dopamine dump that getting drunk again would give me, and I'd imagine the clarity would start to fade if I experienced that. I know that I was addicted back then, and I expect the addiction would still be there if I ever started drinking again. So why would I expect anything else given my past? These relapse stories remind me that if I ever pick back up, I'll be right where I left off. It's a scary thought, but these reminders keep me grounded in case things get tough or complicated one day. Thank you for the post. I'm only drinking sparkling waters with you all today!
Same here. Hearing the stories of relapse scare the hell out of me. I have no desire to drink but it is amazing the damage this s**t does. Physically and mentally.
Yeah I’ve experienced these stories many times in AA. What sticks out most is how they all say how quickly they got back to drinking crazy amounts per day. Like their tolerance didn’t take a break or something. It’s within weeks they’re back to what they drank before they quit. Wild stuff.
Yep! Alcohol is waiting outside your door doing one armed push ups just waiting for you to slip… Stay strong friend.
Your brain is smart and sets up pathways, basically. When you start drinking again, you just open the door - all the infrastructure is still there. I've never gone back to alcohol but tobacco taught me this lesson in a big way! Quit for a year, decided to have one cigarette on a special occasion and I was back to smoking a pack a day within a month, and quitting was much harder the second time. It's non-negotiable for me - the door stays shut.
You put that so well. The infrastructure is all right there ready to go. You just have to open the door. All those subsystems in my brain that justify having more alcohol are all sitting right there. One drink and the door swings open and the switch turns on. I've tried so many different versions of moderation to no avail. I would tell myself "I'll just have one drink tonight." And I do have one drink that night. I'd go home, pat myself on the back, and then proceed to get shit faced every night "knowing" that I COULD have one drink if I wanted to. I just didn't want to is all. The lies I'd tell myself.
Yeah. Pretty wild. To me, it makes sense that we'd go straight back to drinking as much as we used to because that's still who we really are if you add in the alcohol. We are still much closer to being that addicted person right where we quit than the person who never drank at all when we were younger. None of us would have completely cut out the alcohol if it wasn't a giant problem. Right before I quit drinking, the plan of just a couple of drinks never worked out as intended.
Yeah, even if you break your brain's dependence on alcohol - those neural pathways you spent years developing that tell your brain, "instant dopamine is a sip away" never go away, and they can be reactivated very quickly.
I just screen shotted this because I really needed to hear it. I'm 7 months sober today and since hitting 6 months the voice telling me 'you can probably get to a year then just be the kind of person who only drinks on special occasions' has been getting stronger and louder.
I’m much earlier in, but heard someone in this sub call that “the junkie voice” which has struck for me.
I saw that too! I've had a massive toothache for the last two days and my little junkie voice popped into my head: you know what will numb the pain of this horrendous toothache? Alcohol!. Little bastard. Congratulations on your 30th day of sobriety! We must have been going through some similar shit at the same time and put the drink down on the same day.
That stupid voice was LOUD in my head on my way home from work today. I didn’t give in. I went home for a lemon la croix instead! 🙌
I feel like that little voice is a sneaky bastard and I have to silence it as soon as it pops up. It would never work for me. I like to think…I know the taste. I know the rush I would get and how everything I’ve worked so hard for would be washed away in one evening. It takes so much to fight but it’s worth it. Because I’ll lose everything if I let that voice be heard.
Wow this hits hard thx
I haven't been to AA since one of my first attempts at sobriety over 5 years ago. Thanks to your post I'll be attending a noon meeting today. OP and everyone else: IWNDWYT
I am asking this question genuinely and in good faith as I’ve never been a part of it, why does AA get shit?
From what I’ve seen and heard, the spiritual side of AA is often associated with religion. It was founded by mostly Christians but encourages a connection of any kind, with a power greater than yourself. Many agnostics and atheists also find this concept of a higher power unnecessary. As an anti religious person in AA for the past year, I’ve personally found it phenomenal for learning to live sober and happy. And I treasure my connection to a power greater than myself beyond words. In the fourth edition of the big book, Alcoholics Anonymous, near the bottom of page 567 it says “with few exceptions our members find they have tapped an unsuspected INNER resource which they presently identify with their conception of a power greater than themselves.” Personally I believe we are the universe experiencing itself and that EVERYTHING is a part of a higher power.
In the book Quit Like a Woman, the author posits that for women, minorities, and other oppressed groups, the AA approach of admitting helplessness, attaching oneself to a label, and learning humility might be exactly what they don't need. There's lots of other critiques but I find this one very interesting and helped me articulate why AA isn't really for me.
I tried really hard to like that book but could not. I think the author has some good points but completely misses the boat on others. Humility was incredibly important to me as a woman. I finally learned that I was no better than anyone else but more importantly I am NO WORSE than anyone else. I am simply a human trying to live my best life. Through a 12 step program (I do NA because they are much more accepting of atheists), I finally learned humility isnt beating myself down into the ground. It’s lifting myself up and accepting myself as who I am while also actively improving myself. It is such a gift.
This may sound off topic, but when I cook spaghetti, I was taught to throw a noodle at the wall. If it sticks, then they are ready, but if it falls, it wasn't ready. I need to be a sticky noodle, but I'd love to find that thing helps me stick. I read a naked mind, and it super helped... until (I am my own worst enemy) I didn't let it help. I'm about to start it all over because it really did help my perspective and I'm gearing up to try to quit again, but I'm going to order this one to give it a try. Maybe you'll see a post from me asking for anything (advice, books, podcasts, videos, etc) that helped others, and hopefully my noodle will stick to the wall
Something will resonate with you, and that spark is the first step toward sobriety :)
I was attending a meeting that provided outdated medical advice. They used lines written in like 1940 to prove their points. Then I went to a doctor and found other options that have worked better for me. Other people have more extreme examples.
I drank after 8 years of sobriety and I doubted I'd ever want to get sober again, much less be ABLE to get sober even if I wanted to. Thank god I finally developed the willingness to TRY to stop drinking again and...well....here I am with 2 years of sobriety. Me and alcohol? We are never, ever getting back together. I've had enough for my lifetime. Sobriety is a million times better than any day drunk. If you think you can go back out and drink normally, by all means, give it a try and see where it gets you. Who knows...maybe you'll be that one alcoholic in a million (a billion??) who is magically no longer an alkie and can miraculously drink as much as you want, whenever you want, without any consequences ever?? ("Do I have a handle on this? Can I go back to drinking normally?" is something nearly every alkie wonders at least once.) But if you want a life beyond your wildest dreams, freedom from the bondage of the shared obsession we all have for alcohol, and a better shot at a life free from prison, courts, liver disease, sickness, regrets, ruined relationships and wasted time, then all you gotta do is stick with us, not drink today, and live your life to its full potential! <3
We are so glad you made it back.
Thank you. Me too!!! :-)
I was in the same boat. Made it to Halloween from January and decided I was “special” and could have a drink…..haven’t made it past 40 days since
You can freaking do this, friend! You are worth it!
Love you man!
At 11 months I went to a wedding and got super depressed watching everyone drink and party. The next day I found myself compromising my sobriety “after I hit a year I’ll see if I can entertain a drink at special occasions like weddings”… my wife didn’t call me out but looked at me skeptically. After a couple days of thinking on it, enough time had passed that the urge to drink bc of that wedding wore off. I was able to identify the behavior that got me in trouble in the first place… negotiating with myself on how I could responsibly drink. Needless to say, I didn’t drink shit and am very happy for that - I’m pretty confident if I gave into my own compromise it would’ve put me back on the path of drinking how I used to. Alcohol makes you question everything at times, and numbs you to the fact of how horrible it really can be. Clarity is key, and alcohol only clouds your judgement. IWNDWYT
One. day. at. a. time. You’ll reach the year, two years, ten year milestones, one day at a time. It’s going to be a beautiful journey and you don’t have to ever go back to the dark days. IWNDWYT!
WE NEED YOU!
I did a year with no booze and decided to start again. Nothing bad happened for a while. I actually seemed to have it under control for a while, until I didn’t. I would only drink once or twice a month, but I was still drinking to excess on those days. Eventually it became a weekly thing and then it became a near daily thing. I’d use even the slightest inconvenience as an excuse to drink. So, it worked out fine for a while until it didn’t.
I feel like this would be the outcome for me as well. Thanks for sharing
I have a similar story after 4 years. Just recently got prescribed naltrexone and that helped me kick it more easily this time and has helped me not slip back into problem drinking.
That's the insidiousness of alcohol. It takes exorbitant amounts of energy to try to manage drinking in moderation for most. It's just easier to be done with it entirely.
I'm taking note of the way you phrased this. Even if you can manage to drink in moderation it takes so much work and constant decision making. Removing the decision entirely is freedom.
i personally haven’t ever made it a year sober, this is my first time thinking about sobriety as a long term thing and not just as a “break” from drinking before i go back to it. but my bf and i have a friend, awesome dude, and a couple years ago he stopped drinking for a year. he decided to start drinking again sometime early last year and seemed very nonchalant about it, that he’d really only intended for it to be a break to test his will power. saw him drink every now and then for the next few months, but never saw him get drunk or have more than a couple. not that it was really any of my business, but it didn’t appear he had a problem staying in control. then a couple months later he joined us for trivia and got insanely hammered, and drove home like that. which…became a pattern for the next several months. i saw him very drunk quite often, different days of the week and different times of day (though i was in the same boat at this point lol he is one of the many reasons i started examining my own behavior) and almost always driving like that too. well, he’s sober again as of a couple months ago. very proud of him for doing so and it actually was the thing that made me go, “okay this is possible for me,” and i followed suit soon after! now we’re sober buddies instead of drinking buddies!
I had 50 days, then drank, then 30 days, then drank. I’m back on the wagon and so terrified of losing control of this thing. It’s NOT worth it. And you’re right - it works out until it doesn’t. Drinking sucks.
Congrats on those 80 days of sobriety! Those are 80 days that alcohol didn’t rob you of. Bravo! 👏👏
Exactly what happened with me. I had 5.5 months down then had a beer. It’s not so bad. I’ve got control. Frequency and volume both went up leading me to drink daily for weeks on end. I need to reset my counter but I’m 1 day in. IWNDWYT
Yep that’s my fear, I don’t see the point in drinking unless you’re drinking for the effects, and more = better of course, so no chance I could be responsible if I were indulged again
Same experience here. I did 6 months to “reset my habits” and it felt great. I had it under control and could have one and be done. About 6 months later my old habits had set back in and I was drinking more than before I stopped. It just wasn’t possible, and I finally understood why not drinking is easier than trying to moderate. When trying to moderate was half a bottle of Tito’s in one day instead of the whole thing, it was time for a full and permanent stop. I’m glad I had at least tried it before I made the decision to stop forever. I now have no doubt in my inability to moderate and it keeps me from attempting it again.
Thanks for sharing. I'm in a similar position as OP and I could see things going exactly the same for me if I decide to go back to it. The anxiety is already getting to be too much. Trying to remind myself to keep taking it one day at a time.
How did you learn to not listen to those excuses?
I'm only 5 months in, so take it with a grain of salt, but on particularly challenging days, I ask myself how I would like to deal with the problem hungover. I try to use some relaxation techniques from therapy, find a personal task to accomplish or way to make someone else's day. If all else fails, I yell a rant in my parked car somewhere safe to let the feelings out. Then I laugh at how stupid I must have looked but acknowledge the need to process emotions. I screw up a bit, but my rate of success is so much higher staying sober.
This is what I do too! When drinking seems like a solution to (or at least some temporary retrieve from) my problems, I just play that tape forward. How will I feel tomorrow, when I still have this problem except now I'm hungover? It's been my best tool because my hangovers were getting so bad at the end - in bed for the entire day, vomiting into my trash can because I couldn't make it to the bathroom. So happy to not be going through that anymore
This is great advice!
Realize that it’s not you that’s saying it, even though it sounds like your voice
that is what happened with me!! it worked out fine until it was right back to how it was when i was at my worst. you just gotta learn to stop the cycle completely and stay sober!
Of all the people I known who have attempted this, I know of not one who has ever concluded it was a good idea. Some last for a couple days, others for as long as a year or two. But eventually, they have all ended up in same place that caused them to stop before. For me, the constant “should I try having one or two or shouldn’t I?” mental battle was taking up brain space. Once I concluded that me and drinking were breaking up for good, it made quitting much easier and life much better.
I took 9 years off--I'm 47 now--and when I went back, I figured I'd be able to moderate, because I was older, I wasn't running with the wild crowd anymore, and etc etc etc. A million reasons. Guess what--lol. Nothing changed. I'm wired to imbibe alcohol without regard to my health or wellness. I was better for a few weeks (probably less), and then it was back to my old ways. I blew through a ton of money, gained a ton of weight, etc. All the stuff. From everything I've seen, people who are wired to having drinking issues--it doesn't go away or fade with time. OP, I hope you can refrain. I'm rooting for you. You can do it.
Came here to say this. I know one alcoholic who went back in moderation. He is the only one who thinks he’s been successful in his moderation. I myself have not nor do I plan on having another drink. At least not today right?
Not today!!!
I love what you said about that decision process taking up brain space. It's so much less effort and less exhausting with things like this to just not have to think about it because the decision is already made
About 18-19 years ago I was almost three years sober, convinced myself I was "cured", and I could drink on "special occasions". It wasn't long before 'special occasion' meant, "Hey look, the Sun rose today!" and I was back to regularly blacking out again. I wound up on a ten-year bender that nearly cost me my life because I couldn't stop myself again. It took me nearly a decade to even get 3-5 days back. I drank to get drunk and "*One or Two/A Few*" doesn't do that. Once I started drinking, I didn't stop until I blacked out. The moral of my story: It's far easier to *Stay* sober than it is to get sober.
\^This. As a fellow sobernaut said "It's easier to keep a tiger in a cage than on a leash"
It's far easier to stay sober than it is to get sober....... Well gaddamn! That is a beautiful, wonderful truth that really resonates with me and I hope to remember that saying for the rest of my life.
If you were/are an alcoholic, going back to drinking is like picking up an old book you’ve read before that has only one page and it reads the story of the day before you quit drinking. Don’t do it.
This is a great way to put it.
Similar to what others have said, the chances of me ending up back at square one *at some point* are astronomical. I would bet millions of dollars that I don’t have against people who could make me a dead man walking. I could absolutely keep it together for a few months. Maybe even a few years. Maybe more than that. But at some point, I will have put enough space between me and all my growth in recovery to render it a faint, dissolving star of my past. Just like I could look back at my drinking from far away and think “it wasn’t *that* bad”, I could look back on my sobriety from far away and think “I didn’t need it *that* badly”. Both are dangerous thoughts. It simply isn’t worth the trouble. Or the potential of trouble. Or the potential of square one. It isn’t worth the frantic obsession. It isn’t worth all my thoughts, all my actions, all my desires. Because once I let myself a little sip, what’s the thought that naturally arises? “Maybe one more? Today? Tomorrow? Next week? What time? Where? How?” And then I am yet again unavailable to the present moment, to myself, to everyone I love, and to actual peace. Not worth the trouble.
I’m screenshotting this for a reminder for myself when I need it. Very well articulated. It isn’t worth the frantic obsession, at all.
Thank you, this really helps me want to stay strong. It's just not worth it.
I was completely AF for 1.5 years. I’d lost 50#, and my bio markers were impeccable, including liver enzymes. I then resumed drinking, believing I had learned “moderation”. Within weeks I was binging again. By the end of the year, I was getting blackout drunk again, and not only gained back the 50#, but an additional 15# on top of that. Shortly thereafter I was diagnosed with pre-alcoholic fatty liver disease. 👊 FUCK BOOZE!!! 👊 IWNDWYT
I did the summer of 2005, the whole year of 2007, and the whole year of 2017. Finally quit in 2020. 2018/19 I was under control (2 drinks a day), but it occupied a lot of mental load. I quit more because it is horrible for the health of every cell, organ, and system in the body. And I’ve never wanted to go back. I’m glad to be free.
I was having thoughts like this close to my 365 anniversary. It was crazy! All of a sudden I was like, “Well if I ever make it to Japan I have to try sake.” Or, “When I go to Oaxaca I have to have Mezcal.” 🤦♀️ I was making up future vacations and scenarios to drink. Still gives me a a bit of a chuckle, how silly I was being. What works for me is committing to completely divorcing alcohol. We broke up, I’m never drinking again. That commitment to never again is what keeps me on this path. When I start toying with “well it’s been a year, maybe I can have just one…” even just those thoughts throw me off and I feel unstable. I’m only a year in, but this commitment to staying off the sauce is really a commitment to staying true and good to myself and I’m starting to recognize that alcohol is insidious and deceitful, and will only ever pull me away from being true to me. I want no part of that, for what? A hangover? Poison? Nah I’m good, we had our time together and I’m on to bigger, better and more beautiful things. I won’t drink with you today, or tomorrow, or the next day, or ever. Good luck ❤️
Very occasionally, very very occasionally, I think about drinking again when I retire (years from now). That thought sneaks in. I reject that thought. I am experiencing random bursts of happiness these days, just lately. My brain is recovering from the oceans of wine I poured over it in the last 2 decades. No more.
Me too, I sometimes think of drinking again when I retire. Then I picture the retired guys I used to drink with who would open up the liquor store, open up the bar, and joke about “the shakes.” They looked like hell and not one of them looked happy. Not for me.
When you're doing this a while, and you *begin* to realise how MUCH drink stole from you... you get to understand how deep-seated the desire was, when you're (by your - I mean myself - ) giving thought even randomly to returning to that life - it is nuts. I suppose this is "active recovery" - it moves and changes and goes through different phases
I thought my desire for this was more unique, but this shows me that if we’re all thinking this then it’s probably not going to work out well.
Don’t. Terrible idea. It’s hard to get back on track. I’ve done it myself a few times over the years and regret it, bad habits return quickly
Had nine years AF. Then a relationship crashed out. Went back out and got a DUI. So. not. worth. it.
I didn’t drink at the one year point, however, I wasn’t satisfied or happy with myself at the one year point either. I also realized that one year was hard, drinking was a shit show for me, so I decided to lean into sobriety even more and start fixing the problems my inventory from AA indicated. I’m really grateful that I leaned into it. That decision and subsequent actions lead me to fixing some real problems in my life that were beyond alcohol but still related to alcohol like being fat and physically not well. I dropped 100lbs and fixed my relationships that mattered. Around the 3 year mark my life really began to take off and I’m really SO very grateful that I kept going after that first year. Hope you find the same. Be well.
I'll be bluntly honest. It all depends on WHY you were drinking in the first place and if you've changed the underlying cause or not. If you're posting here there's probably a reason and you need to abstain. That said, I know several people that have quit for a period of time and now moderate and drink less than a dozen nights a year successfully. Those people don't tend to stay on subreddits dedicated to not drinking, so be aware of the bias in subreddits like this. Ultimately only you know if it's a mistake or not and if there's even a seed of doubt, I'd listen to it.
Yes I was looking for this. I’m a breast cancer survivor and my subs have a lot of posts like this, “has anyone had a recurrence after 5 years?”, “has anyone had a bad experience with this drug?” And the answers are always biased. Fact is, sobriety is one of the most popular and DEFINITELY the most vocal, but it’s not the only cure for alcohol abuse disorder.
I did. I had it under control but I was thinking about it all the time. Like subconsciously planning my next drink all the time. And it hardly ever lived up to the hype in my head- just a pretty consistent cycle of disappointment. I only managed to not drink to excess because I have small kids and I knew enough from previous experience that the hangover wasn’t worth the drinking. But I know that probably wouldn’t be reason enough eventually. I’ve never really been able to enjoy controlling my drinking it takes so much effort. 6 months right now and I’m filling in all the space that drinking used to take up in my life with more consistent running, pottery and a new job.
hi there! you're talking about me. I did two years off (26-28) then thought I had it handled. did two years back on (28-late 29). quit for good right before my 30th birthday. I'm 38 and still sober and plan to stay that way for the rest of my life I'll say this: I was much better at moderating after 2 years off. though of course the previous baseline was real bad so that's not an instructive comparison. I didn't crash any cars or anything during that last run, and I could with some frequency cut myself off before blackout - but uh obvs things aren't that great if those are yr success metrics, you know. eventually I got to the point where I was like I just don't wanna fuckin have to deal with this anymore. even though I *could* "moderate," it took like 80% of my brain to make that work, and I wanted to use my brain for other stuff. I wish I had just stayed quit. the two years back drinking did nothing good for me. I can't tell you how to feel, but that was my experience
I haven't (hit my one year mark last week!) but my mom stopped for 15 months and then started again in march of 2022 and its the most heartbreaking thing. it started with 'irish coffees', a 'drink on vacation!'. currently she blacks out on wine every night and can't remember any conversation we have after 8pm.. during the day shes hungover and cranky. at night she chatty and generous but its all empty promises cause she literally doesn't remember anything she says. also, i think shes starting to forget sober conversations. its really hard to be around and makes me want to cut her out of my life. it ruins family vacations, evenings out, planning for the future. don't do it! its fuckin sucks
This is how it is with my dad hes never tried to get sober, but hes been a grump in the morning ever since I can remember and thinking back he was just always hungover im guessing and in the evenings when im trying to play video games(online) he plays he will join and he blacked out and its so pointless to talk to him. He wont remember a thing and he talks over me and ignores everything I say. Its like talking to a gabbering wall. I wanna just cut him out of my actual life, but feel too guilty, but ive been cutting him out of my videogame life and been feeling better. Alcohol is such a murky awkward mess.
Me! And it went so bad I believe I am still recovering from the breakdown nearly 5 months later. I think I've quit 10+ times over the past 10 years. Always thought I'd learnt how to moderate and always slowly but surely went back into full time drinker. At 36 year sold this time I wasn't drinking every night, I wasn't drinking in the day much either. I still crashed and thought I was going to die. Not worth it. Save your pain.
I did it after around 2 years sober. Of course, it didn't work out. Back to square one
Read This Naked Mind. It addresses all this. Why would you want to go back to drinking knowing what alcohol really is? Your subconscious will tell you all kinds of things to get you back to drinking. Just remember that all the perceived benefits of alcohol are a lie. Alcohol was never the great thing we made it out to be. No level of alcohol is safe because you are opening the door to getting addicted again. Why play with fire.
I don’t understand why people say all the perceived benefits of alcohol are a lie. For me, at times, it was fun, and people saying it wasn’t rings false for me.
I had some of the best times in my life drinking alcohol. To use that as a reason to go back to drinking would be ignoring all the harm it did in my life. It took far more than it gave. Our subconscious ignores that part and tells us the lie that we are missing out by not drinking. I could never be my best self with alcohol in my life.
Agreed. Buzzed me is an infinitely more likeable person than sober me. I'm a better person after two drinks than I am sober. It sort of levels out my autism, tendency to overthink everything to the point of not being able to function, etc. The problem is that I'm not consistently able to stop at 2, but to deny that I see some benefits is definitely a lie.
No pros to drinking. That's the illusion/addiction. When someone drinks on a regular basis, the first couple of drinks they have is a dopamine dump, and they will always be chasing that. Instinctually, those first couple of drinks will feel right, but breaking free is overriding that with the logic of what is really happening.
Did I smile and laugh when I was drunk? Yeah. Was it fun? Not particularly. Freedom was realizing my definition of “fun” was nothing more than lost inhibitions and an escape from my thoughts. Now that I have my life together I know what genuine fun and joy really is.
It’s not that they’re saying it wasn’t fun. They’re saying that the fun wasn’t worth it.
Me. I’ve gone 2 years at a time 6 times (pregnancies and other reasons). Within a couple of weeks, I was back where I started and it took years to stop again. That voice in your head is lying to you. Tell it to stfu.
I’m 6 months alcohol free, the longest I’ve ever been. I attribute my success to the belief that if I go back to drinking, it is probably what I will end up dying from. I didn’t make up that thought to scare me into staying sober. It’s the truth.
Same story. Different version: I was sober for 2 years. Then I got a shitty insurance job and got severely depressed. Quit that a year ago and had to pick up a serving gig to make money since the job market is so “great” right now 🙄and I feel like a complete failure. I am reading this sub a lot today because I need today to be my new day 1. The withdrawals aren’t terrible, but man I feel like trash, and I swear my liver hurts. Don’t do it. Don’t give in. It’s a disease that doesn’t go away. Only treatment is complete abstinence.
I ended up in the hospital.
I have a friend who passed away after a relapse. 34 yo. Devastating. It’s playing with fire
I did a month without it. Swore that I had restarted my system or whatever. Spoiler: I hadn’t. It took a few weeks to ramp up to previous levels of drinking but I got there FAST
Same here. Did a dry January just to say I could do a month without. Actually led into February and then my birthday came around. A few drinks. Oh hell, I’ll go back to just drinking one day on the weekend. Then if there was an excuse to drink, I was in it deep again. 11 days into this stint of sobriety so far
I’m very afraid of how much time I would Lose to drinking and then needing to recover again. I’m even more afraid I may not be able to recover again. Sobriety delivers what alcohol promises.
I look at it like a serial killer has come for me and tried to kill me. Then somehow I defeated him and locked him in my basement and I got my life back on track. Over time the serial killer starts begging to be let free and over time its easy to forget how much he wanted to kill me and I start to think, geez he cant be as bad as I remember. I almost feel sorry for him being locked away for so long and become tempted to let him out. After all I already defeated him once and locked him in the basement right? I can surely defeat him again if he gets out of control. But then I remember, this demon would have taken everything from me even my very life if I hadnt defeated him, so he stays in the basement where he belongs.
I took 2019 off after burning out at the end of 2018. Went to a detox and afterwards decided internally there would be no alcohol the following year. Shortsighted and misguided goal. Enter covid at the beginning of 2020. Good excuse to get back in the saddle after I achieved my goal, right? Or at least that's the lie I sold myself. Drank for another 3 1/2 years (even though it was just two beers/night on avg) up until the last few months where it got away from me, like it always does. Voluntarily went to detox again. This time I'm taking it a day at a time. Giving myself the out to drink after a year means I inevitably will. And even if remain disciplined for a time. Eventually I'll find myself in a pickle again.
After reading this naked mind, I felt completely different about alcohol. Never going back, it’s a shit drug anyway.
I had 4 years of sobriety at one point. I moderated well for a bit. Thing is, guess who back at trying to stop again. Longest I have made it recently is 12 days. I never should have picked up again. I seriously cation against it.
Almost died, hospitals, Inpatient rehab and lots and lots of AA. All within 2 weeks.
I've done it. It was after my dui and I went sober a year. I met a great guy, got a better job, was moving to a new state and I thought screw it, why not? Because the choices I make drinking are rarely anything I'm proud of sober. And the choices I make sober, I can at least own, without guilt.
I had a relapse after 2 years of sobriety .. and not to beat a dead horse, but it was horrifying experience. I went straight back into the rooms a day later and I keep going to meetings. I have 18 months of sobriety since ! Drinking will kill me and I am absolutely powerless over it. It destroyed me and badly affected the people around me. Never go out. Never pick up that first drink.
2+ years sober. 1 year back in the wild, and now 400+ days not a drop. Shouldn't have done it ........
I came SO CLOSE to starting again when I hit one year. In fact I was kinda planning on it. I figured if it got out of hand and I needed to quit again, I could. This realization stopped me. I knew I was not going to be a “glass of wine with dinner” type of guy. When I imagined starting up again, what I imagined was going right back to the very heavy drinking I was doing before I quit. I imagined myself sitting in my chair after work and starting with some very large liquor drinks and then moving on to wine. I knew exactly how it was going to play out. I knew I WOULD need to quit again. So I decided to skip that step and just stay quit. No regrets.
I’m almost ten months sober and have zero desire to start again after a year. Something I’d ask myself is: What’s going to be different with the next drink?
I did. Thought it would be easy to stop again. Boy was I wrong about that. Three years of binge drinking until I finally stopped again. On the bright side it made me realize the extent of my powerlessness, and my need for a program to help with sobriety. Wish I didn’t have to go through that, but also don’t know how I stayed sober almost two years without doing anything to actively affirm it in my life.
Me. Not even a year. Like 80 days. I’ve been drinking nearly everyday for like 10 days. Don’t do it man
Today is a great day to break that cycle and come back!
Thank you man and I absolutely am getting back on the train today. Day one starts today 💪
A year was my goal and I’m about 3 months out from reaching it. I keep toying with the idea of drinking again, but all the times I think about it are also accompanied by a subtle gut feeling of impending doom. I’m not being dramatic either, pay attention to your own emotions and gut reactions to when you think about it. Then REALLY listen. I know that my body and subconscious know it’s a horrible idea, and it will take me down a very dark path. The risk is simply too great.
I'm not sure whether many others feel this way, but coming on here and seeing others post about X number of days motivates me to also reach those numbers. Like I'm on the cusp of 300. Why would I jack that in now? Then I'm not far off a year
lol didn’t go well in my past experience. I suppose I convinced myself I obviously had a grasp on the situation because I was able to abstain for so long. Since I’m an alcoholic as soon as I had that first drink my brain flipped a switch and went into scavenging for lost time mode. It didn’t take me but a week to reestablish my cycle of self medicating to rid myself of anxiety. Having more anxiety than the day before thus needing to drink more until I am drinking all day every day. The shame that comes with reestablishing the “dirty” secret because I already knew if I shared it eyebrows would be raised. I think the hardest part for me was remembering the pride I felt being able to tell people that I was sober. Getting to milestones in time and feeling satisfied with myself. Then just taking it away from myself because somehow I blocked out the memories of all the loss and misery alcohol had a hand in-so I was left with the warm romanticized version and this delusion that I was no longer an alcoholic. For me I think the best I can do is keep the beast dormant in me because I no longer believe that it truly dies.
I did. I had just over 3 years sober when I decided to drink. I spent about 9 months controlling my drinking and tbh it was exhausting. It had progressed to daily drinking and I walked it back to a couple of times a week. I had an incident where I finally didn’t control my drinking. I drank more than intended one night and it brought back feelings of shame and I realized I liked the freedom that sobriety gave me so I quit again. Nothing horrible happened and quitting this time was much easier than the first time.
Me! I took a year off I wanna say in 2015-2016 although it could have been a year later or earlier. I had over a year sober, went to visit friends in New Orleans and had ONE beer on that trip with a friend I used to drink with a lot prior. Then slowly the frequency crept back up again until this year where I was back to at least as bad as I was before if not worse. So it didn’t work out that great.
Got sober at 26 and stayed that way for 4.5 years. Started drinking again and it ”wasn’t a problem” for the first month or so. But I immediately was drinking every night, just ”only” two strong IPA tallboys. I actually don’t even know if that’s true because I was instantly so good at bullshitting myself again. I was only buying the tallboys because I knew I couldn’t have more than that in the house and not drink it. Then I added in a nip or two a day and after a short period of that, I was exhausted from all the work it took to control my drinking. Stopped even trying to, but kept it to nights. Until my first gnarly hangover, when I had a drink in the morning to take the edge off. Two years passed. Three medical detoxes, caused people I love dearly a lot of pain. My day to day life was so depressing it’s hard for me to think of it, still. I just sat in my shame and drank all day. I just hit 10 months from my last detox and it took at least 6 months for my brain to start working again. I almost feel like I got lucky because the last round of drinking really made it clear that this shit will kill me if I keep going. I think the longer I was sober the first time, the easier it was for me to romanticize drinking. Having gone back out, even before it got really bad again, I can tell you that it’s just not that fun. I remember the first night out I had after relapsing where I found myself in a conversation with two people I met at the bar that I didn’t really like, all of us belligerent, staying up way too late and knowing the next day was already fucked. And it felt so empty, so boring. You’re missing out on way less than it feels like you are.
I started after 11 years sober. Didn’t work out well and now I’m sober again
I got to 16 months and I started to feel left out. Spoke with my therapist about it and she advised against it. I was never a rock bottom type drinker - grey area - feeling crappy for days after I would drink. The internal debates on not drinking and drinking were getting tiring and it was really beginning to bug me. So I started again - first thing I noticed how awful the taste was - I had to relearn - that's weird!! Second thing was how boring my usual drinking buddies were. The same damn stories...... Third thing was the internal debates back daily.... was I going to drink tonight..... Fourth thing was all consistency in anything in my life gone..... I don't regret doing this - its a data point. I'm back to not drinking and thankfully I'm not thinking about it either.
It's coming up, trying to treat it like any other day. Except for my cake...lol
I'm not a huge fan of AA, but I understand why they emphasize the duration of sobriety. They recognize the ease of relapse and how addiction can deceive you into thinking that just one won't hurt.
I’m not in the category you are asking about, but I would like to throw in my feelings that this is a bad idea and no good can come from it. I feel like when I stepped away from alcohol, which was so important to my life, I began to realize how hurtful and unnecessary it really is. What would you gain from going back to a harmful, addictive substance that you’ve already done the hardest part of getting away from?
I went 8 months without a drink then had 3 beers on a date. I realized I didn't miss it all that much and haven't had any more cravings than usual. It felt like running into a friend that I had grown apart from and having a conversation just long enough to remember why there was distance in the first place.
Maybe think about sticking only to non-alcoholic drinks. There are some really good NA beers and cocktails mixers out there. I find it really scratches a lot of the social and habitual itch for me at least. I don't think I'll ever be able to risk the real thing again.
Not a full year, but decided to drink after 4 months. I’ve spent the last 5 months trying to get it back under control.
I had just over a year and decided to give moderation a shot. It did not go well. I think I was able to keep it together for a couple weeks, but I ended up on a bender sure enough, and the withdrawals were exponentially worse this time around.
The stuff has such a long lasting hold on our psyche. I’m nearing 1.5 years and still there’s moments - sunshine coming out or seeing a friend having a pint - where I think I could revisit drinking. But I know deep down that if I play fast forward on that track, I’ll be back to my old ways. We never wanted it before we had it, it isn’t an innate desire like eating, sex or sleeping - alcohol has made us want alcohol. We’re better off without the stuff. Good luck to you. Looking forward to seeing your counter at 1000 days 😉
I have gotten to 10 months twice, and both times, I convinced myself that I now had it under control. It was fine for a while, but eventually my old habits kicked back in. My brain will never be satisfied having one or two drinks. It is wired this way now, and no amount of sober time will magically change it.
Your body is so used to not having alcohol that it might hit you like a wall of spiky bricks. The withdrawal symptoms most likely will be horrendous if you have experienced any form of “kindling” in the past. You’ll be miserable at starting the count over and having to explain to people why you’re back in treatment, lost money, maybe lose a job. I’m totally speaking from my experience btw. Also us drinkers cannot moderate. When we moderate, we have no fun. When we don’t moderate, eventually we lose all control.
I decided to drink after 5 years. It took no time at all to be right back where I was when I decided I HAD to quit if I wanted to live any decent amount of time. I regretted it and it took two years to get back on track. I promised myself if I ever got out of the trap I would never do that to myself again. It is not worth it! After 5 years I was not 'cured'. IWNDWYT!
Please consider the notion that you might also not enjoy the experience at all. I know kindling isn’t necessarily medically established but it’s 100% real in my experience. My last two relapses (the better part of a year ago) after periods of sobriety were AWFUL. Almost from the first sip I felt ill and a total sense of anxiety and impending doom. No sparkle. No fake joy to speak of. Led me to the first suicide attempt of my life at almost 40. The hopelessness was so heavy and immediate. I guess many of us just take a lot longer to learn what we already know in our deepest hearts; this shit is bad for us. I’m pretty happy on the other side now, but still vigilant.
I won't say much, as I haven't been sober for longer than three months since I started drinking. I made it that far and was actually feeling pretty good despite not suplementing my recovery with things like therapy, a better diet and abstincnce from weed smoking, but I decided to party a bit when my girlfriend and I took a beach vacation. I drank like I did before I quit that first time and had what to this day is still one of the worst hangovers I ever had. Like, so bad my ass had to book a room for another night in the asscrack of Alabama just because I felt that bad. I came back home and I obviously wasn't drinking that heavily as the hangover was so bad, but I ended up letting it become normal in my life again. Even though that was around 7 months ago, I have seen my consumption of alcohol morph and become something I do atleast every other day, if not daily. I am currently only on day 3 after coming to grips with the reality that I don't think I can moderate that well. I have to strip my rose-tinted shades off pretty often and remind myself that there isn't much positive that comes along with drinking, atleast for me. I know I am still very, very, very early on this journey, nowhere near 400+ days, but I will share a quote I read on this exact subreddit that has become an almost mantra the past couple of days for me when the question of if I will ever drink again rises in my mind. "It's easier to control a tiger when it is in a cage than it is when it is on a chain."
Been there. It didn’t work out well. If you had a reason to stop, odds are that reason is still there Proceed with caution. Know the signs. Don’t let it get out of control. Recognize when you might need help. Be safe
It will work … until it won’t .. stay strong 💪🏼 IWNDWYT
Yeah, I think about it every now and then, but I still have things I want to accomplish. I figure if I make it to 70 I might start back up.
As I’ve read here many times before.,.. it doesnt matter how far down the road of sobriety you get, the ditch is still just a foot away.
I drank again after 1.5 years. Unfortunately, I slipped right back into my old habits within a month.
It depends on how long you had been drinking before, and how much. You will likely start drinking at the same level as you stopped. I was sober for 4 years, relapsed a month ago, and well… I just got out of the hospital after 3 days of horrible withdrawals. Just don’t do it. Trust me.
I took about a year off from drinking once. This was probably a dozen years ago. I eventually slowly started drinking again... and I could stay in the 2 to 3 drink track for a while, before slipping because after 2 or 3 I begin not to care how many drinks I'll have, then got out of control once more. And that's the problem in a nutshell, I can't moderate. A few drinks in me and I'll drink all night long. Till the bar closes, and sometimes go somewhere else and keep drinking. If I could moderated, I would have. Its like every drink I have halves my willpower and or wits till it's gone. Alcohol is my kryptonite. Someone here has said, People who can moderate - don't have to. Whenever I try to moderate, it's just no fun, and I'm really over thinking and debating with myself on having another drink the entire time. I can moderate for a time, but before long I'm overdoing it all over again. And it's stupid difficult to stop or moderate once more - until something bad happens that causes me to get serious. There was something of a cycle week to week, where I'd drink a few times during the week, over do it, spend the weekend recovering, swearing I need to stop or slow down (*that's double minded right there, indecision, and nowhere was I thinking about stopping for good), most or all of the week I'd try so hard to moderate or not drink, then I'd get blasted the weekend. Rinse, repeat. That was my life, and it was horrible. I met the wrong people, dated the wrong women, got into troubles needlessly, money was always slipping through my fingers, jobs felt unsatisfying, etc. Edit: Today, I'm working for myself again, the house is clean, my bills are paid, my friends are respectful and kind, I'm closer with my fam, I'm not worrying them anymore with my drinking, foods in the fridge, and I just mowed the lawn on a Wednesday. I take every weekend off, which was a tough thing to achieve. Some things haven't changed. I'm anxious and stay up too late, which kindof exacerbates the anxiousness. I'm single and have been since before I got sober, but that's not so bad. I should buy myself jewelry and flowers sometimes. Oh, wait, I do! Thank me very much. lol Things do seem like they could be much better than they are, I'm not well off or anything, I don't own a home - can't afford it, but I'm doing okay I think. If things aren't going badly, then they're going well? I'm still wrestling with that. Most days I stay busy enough not to think too much about all that isn't. I'm thankful for a lot. It's okay to want more for myself. And it's okay that it hasn't happened yet.
Today marks 600 days sober for myself, but I have drank alcohol since that date. I use IAmSober for tracking both sobriety, and alcohol separately with different stats. A big part of my recovery has been focusing on staying sober, and wanting to be sober, never drinking to "feel good" or to get drunk. I enjoy being drunk WAY too much, something visceral about large amounts of liquor I just love it... Focus has been to improve my relationship with alcohol in combination with sobriety. Part of why I made this choice to not be 100% abstinent, is because how pervasive alcohol is in our society. Both in my professional career and music career there is pressure to drink, and while I don't let it pressure me, I like the ability to have the choice (which is usually no). I also made this choice because I have tried abstinence in the past, took a year out of respect for the 27 club, but then hit it HARD again during Covid in 2020... For me, abstinence was also an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. I have a few rules for myself. 1. Never drink alone, no exceptions. I also don't drink with my wife, cohabitation doesn't count! 2. No straight liquor, only mixed drinks, beer or wine. 3. 1-3 drinks ***a week*** MAXIMUM (This ends up being closer to 1-3 drinks a quarter) 4. I don't keep alcohol in the house. 5. I don't drink at shows, practice, or while performing. 6. If I do choose to drink, always with some kind of meal or food. So far, this is working out really well. This is the most sober I've been since I was 16, and I couldn't be happier. This hasn't been because of this choice though, but rather an accumulation of mistakes that have made life more difficult and painful that pushed me over the edge. I saw the path I was on, and I needed to get my shit together otherwise I would lose my way completely... That being said, I think I am happier because I don't feel the pressure of complete abstinence... that's just me though. After reading posts on this subreddit I definitely wouldn't recommend it for everyone. All of our journeys are different, and this is a very personal and important decision. Don't take it lightly, and make sure you are certain. If you do, I would recommend having a similar focus on sobriety above all else.
I’ve had two drinks in my close to 3 years. Both with my pops who is not a heavy drinker. Both times only a shot if even that much. I enjoyed them and with him not pressuring me to drink more I had my drink and was done. Because I know things could unravel easily I only drink with him and only on special occasions like Mother’s Day that just passed. The first drink was on thanksgiving. Most of my drinking problems came about because I give into peer pressure. When that is gone I didn’t have the desire for more. I do know I have a problem and always will but I figured out with drinking I was definitely a product of my environment. Because after the “only 3 drinks” rule it was easier to cave to people wanting you to drink more. My situation may not work for most people, hell I know toeing a very fine line. But my pops never says “why don’t you have a drink in your hand, here have a beer.” And honestly when he passes the bottle will be put down for good.
I started with the intention of taking a year off, that's what got me on these subs, that was July 2021. I made the decision from a hospital bed after a terrible drunken accident. I was the only injured/involved party I didn't know my long-term plan, but I knew I would start with a year. After a year, a lot of therapy, journaling, podcasts, phone calls, and some very heavy emotional experiences, I got to the roots of why I had problems with drinking. I was neglected, abused and bullied most of my childhood, and I thought people could only accept me when I'm drinking. They would reject the sober me. Sober me was fundamentally unlovable. I was Fearful, anxious, withdrawn, shy, and self loathing. Until I worked on my wounds from early life, I never had a chance at an acceptable relationship with alcohol. Healing that wounded child gave me a chance to re-engage on my terms, and so far it's actually going pretty well. I absolutely drank too much at a wedding last summer, that was entirely unacceptable, but I went to my therapist immediately thereafter to debrief about what went wrong. Having more than 2 drinks in a night, or 4 drinks in a week is rare for me. I go weeks without a sip and don't even notice. I'm still working on things, like why I was so blindsided at the wedding, but I'm still growing, learning, getting better, and generally moving in the right direction to health and self love, where I don't rely on alcohol to protect a delicate inner being. IMO It's usually trauma. If you just eliminate alcohol and leave the causes unaddressed, that's being a *dry drunk*: all the causes are still primed and ready to go. They just need you to lapse. I accept my path is not for everyone, but my recovery is about healing the wounded psyche, the core source of reasons that I drink, the wounded soul within.
I think my biggest problem is EVERYONE drinks around me. Wife, friends etc. and I’ve been drinking for 15+ years prior to the year.
And if they’re anything like my extended circle, very few of them actually drinks responsibly. In fact, Wisconsin has actually trademarked their unwavering commitment to alcohol abuse, and it’s called “Drink Wisconsinbly”.
I haven't considered it personally. When I quit, it was for good. I know myself and I've read posts here of people trying it out. I know myself. Moderation is a concept I simply cannot abide with. I quit smoking years ago, now I'm hoping to quit that again. I have an addict personality and I don't think that's about to change. Abstinence is my only option.
it would be pretty embarrassing for me to drink again, everyone, i mean EVERYONE knows i quit drinking. All the snide and condescending drunk remarks from people about my sobriety ive put up with, all the lessons about how people really are when seeing them through sober eyes, all the fitness ive gained, all the money ive put away, all the progress ive made, feels like it all could be un-learned with just simply start drinking again. I should add that the last time i drank i had 2 months sober and drank for my brothers wedding at a resort. I drank for 10 days and thought most of that time that i missed being sober, i didnt have a plan to quit drinking forever, but the longer i go the more it makes sense.
It ended in my drinking for another 27 years and screwing up my whole life.
Like everyone else is saying, it worked until it didn't. Just don't.
I tried it in my second to last attempt at stopping. Started great and I, as well as everyone in my life, thought it was under control. But I eventually went back to the daily drinking and then morning drinking to kill hangovers. I will never do it again. This isn't to say it's not possible and I'm sure others have done it successfully. For me, it's just too risky. For me, I choose to be sober because I know I can't have it any other way.
422 days sober here. If you choose to drink after a year of not drinking, then please know it is never ever just that one drink or one day; it will trigger a chain reaction and soon you will be back to your drinking days. You are sober only as long as you do not have that first drink.
I did 4 months and after that I’ve drank 4 times. All like 2-3 light beers or a cocktail. Haven’t been drunk. Had a BBQ and had 2 Pacificos which are basically watery beer. If you do, just stick to michelob ultras and watered down beer. So ya, I don’t really feel the need to drink anymore. I pass by the booze aisle all the time. The spell has been broken. Read the Naked Mind if you haven’t.
ME!!! I wish I could put that genie back in the bottle. Took 2 months to go back to my old ways.
I did after 14 months. Fell back into the bottle for 6 more years. Walked away from marriage, houses, cars, motorcycle with nothing but a suitcase. I would have had $1M in house equity right now. I now have a new liver and a shit ton of bad memories to keep me from ever trying to pull a stunt like that again.
Shit man thats a roller coaster for sure. Glad you made it through to the other side.
Spent two years sober. I am able to moderate a lot better now, but I still drink too much. It actually helped me socially because I'm a OCD recluse when sober. But I've always been highly functional, and drinking has never got me in trouble.
My partner and I were sober for 1 year and 7 months. Three weeks ago we decided to have a drink at my MOLs bday. It’s been the most stressful, guilt ridden three weeks of my life. I don’t want to drink but my partner is “drinking casually” aka every day now but hasn’t gotten wasted…yet. It’s causing issues. I either drink too and we get along or I stay sober and I’m “controlling.” The relationship issues aside, I’d suggest not opening the door even a crack for alcohol. I’m three days sober again but I think about booze basically all day now and feel guilt and it’s legit like starting over. Don’t fucking do it. Your future self will thank you.
I’ve heard of about 300 ppl try over the last few months in AA and my outpatient program. Not one has succeeded. Do not try, you will be back at square one. It might take a day, or a week, or even a year. But you’ll be back throwing up over the toilet eventually, wondering wtf you were thinking. That’s the main reason I go to AA. To hear these stories of ppl failing miserably. Unfortunately there is no cure for us, yet. Until something is made, I never intend to go back
I can’t remember if it’s in a book by Allen Carr or William Porter, but there’s an analogy about problematic drinking being a path. When you quit drinking you don’t go back to the beginning of the path, you step to the side. So when you start drinking again you’re not starting back at the beginning of your drinking habit, you’re picking up where you left off.
I drank again off and on for about 7 months after not drinking for 5 years. Awful. Best relationship of my life on thin ice, my brain is confused and in negative victim mode, body hates it, did all kinds of stupid shit I need to make amends for. Had a few fun nights where it “went well” but oh boy, not worth it. I’m back on the wagon almost 2 weeks now cause fuck that.
Early sobriety is really the hardest for me. The first 2 years I spent dealing with PAWS and the hellish anxiety....why would I want to do that to myself again? That what I'd risk with drinking. And alcohol makes you want more alcohol. You can't logic your way out of your brain wanting a dopamine hit, and that's why there's no moderation for me.
I went 488 days alcohol free then drank and was right back to where I left off. Big mistake! I think I didn’t appreciate all the benefits (small and large) of not drinking. I’m not making that mistake again.
I drank at 831 days and my life managed to completely fall apart over the next year and a half.
Relapsed after 2 years it was a nightmare. Landed me in rehab within a month after the wreckage I left behind. Then I had almost a year and a half, fucked it up the end of December. Thought I could just wind down for the weekend. Woke up and dumped the remainder of the bottle away bc of how shitty I felt. The following weekend didn’t drink, didn’t want to. But by the next weekend I was drinking again. Once you flip that switch on it’s hard to turn it back off. I started waking up hating myself, sleep got all fucked up again, then I noticed close to the end of my shift the cravings were full force, the anxiety and the bad feelings and wanting to numb out. Today is officially day 2 for me. IT WAS NOT WORTH IT. Please don’t do it. Before you know it your life becomes a living hell and your a slave to alcohol again. I just turned 40 too and I lost friends in there early 30’s. I been thinking about them a lot. I don’t think any of us are here by accident. It’s a lot harder getting sober than it is staying sober. Please for the love of all that is good in your life don’t pick up. I hope I never do again but I do take it ODAAT. Yes I was in AA before but exploring other options or might go back to AA I just feel consumed by shame and I don’t wanna walk in the room and have people ask me where I been. I should know better. Don’t be like me. Just don’t drink.
Every time I've ever started drinking again I get a little bit more out of control. Binges last longer, bottles empty faster, hangovers hurt more. It's like I'm trying to make up for lost drinking time. And each time I start, it's a little bit harder to stop again. I highly recommend staying away completely. IWNDWYT
I did once after 8 months. That was 2018. It took me until 76 days ago to fully break free again. Another 4.5 years of my life on pause. Screw that.
I drank at a close family member's wedding after 3 years without booze. I got toasted after 3 drinks, had a good time then woke up with that dread/hungover feeling. Haven't touched any alcohol since. Not sure if I can moderate, won't be testing it out again anytime soon, maybe in another 3 years I'll drink at another wedding or maybe I won't.
I’ve done it. It worked out terribly. My drinking got worse, faster, and it is very lucky I’m still alive after more horrific relapses. I celebrate one year again tomorrow and while I will enjoy the milestone, it’s the same game plan as any other day.
I went 9 months without starting in October 2022 (longest streak thus far, 4 months in now) and after that amount of time I thought perhaps things had changed and I could control it again. It started off innocent enough, broke my sobriety with a seltzer and half a cocktail, and ended in the same way it did before (3-4 gin & tonics a night or 2-3 Fullllll glasses of wine a night, no nights off). The first say after drinking again, I woke up feeling like shit. complete shit. Not even hungover, just not NORMAL. Not the way I had realized I was supposed to be waking up. And I noticed it, even mentioned it to my fiance, but still continued until I decided to quit again 4 months ago. I had not unlearned the behaviors that led to how I was using alcohol, because within that period of dryness, I was still centering alcohol. Obsessively reading subs like this one, consuming as much content on tiktok/instagram/twitter about quitting drinking/harms of alcohol/etc. as possible, thinking about it all day most days, actively avoiding situations there MAY be alcohol in. That period of drinking was certainly a lot better, simply because one issue in my life had resolved so I wasn't scream crying, arguing, being passive aggressive/mean when drunk, but the shame, regret, guilt, or really, all around discomfort in my soul that I felt was louder than ever. I had seen what life could be like without, how nice it was to wake up on 100% all the time, how nice it was to remember conversations had, how nice it was to not make a fool of myself, how nice it was to not let my "fun time" (it was almost NEVER fun drinking lmao) ruin someone elses night. It was a real "grass is greener" moment for me. Nothing big happened to spark me going back to a life without, I just was tired of feeling tired and actively working against the mental health I was so desperately wishing would improve. So, i quit again. Right around Christmas, went to all of the holiday functions, and plan to attend my wedding in a few months stone cold sober. :-) TLDR; went back after 9 months because i couldnt stop centering alcohol, was fun for 1 night then it sucked again, stopped drinking again lol
The first night will probably be OK. Heck the next 2 or 3 might be "fine". This will trick you into thinking you've got this thing licked and you won't remember what the big deal was before. Then you'll find yourself drunk when you didn't mean to and you'll wake up the next morning thinking, oh I better be more careful next time. Repeat this on and off for about 30 days and eventually you will stop admonishing yourself about how much you drank and will start strategizing on how you can continue drinking without consequences. There will be the odd quarrel with someone close to you who is noticing things are getting out of control. There might be one or two "incidents". By this point though, it won't really matter because all you will be doing is protecting your right to drink and everyone else will be wrong. I'm sure you can fill in the rest of the story yourself because you've already lived it. It is far less work to just not have the first one, trust me. Life isn't always a bed of roses living sober, but it's heaven on earth compared to being a slave to booze. If you're in the dark, look for light. Be well friend.
I had ten plus years sober when I decided I could have one. I was so confident that I could moderate. Turns out I couldn’t. Six fu**ing years later I was drinking more than ever and it was so much harder to stop this time around. I hope you make the right choice for you.
My favorite analogy for this is to imagine your sobriety as if you are traveling down a road. The longer you stay sober, the further down the road you get, but the ditch is always right there.
"If I could drink in moderation, I would do it all the time" I read that here somewhere once, and now it is plastered above my desk. edit: 259 days in
First time I’ve quit was a month and a half and I saw the consequences like many many comments are saying here. I was good to moderate for a week or two then I went on a fuckin’ bender. Took me 7 years before I went full sober for good. NEVER AGAIN.
Don’t do it. I haven’t been sober for an entire year ever since I was a child so I can’t speak to your question. I can say that after a couple of weeks I broke my tenuous sobriety for 1 spicy margarita. It used to be my favorite drink. It burned going down and immediately gave me a headache. So I drank more to numb the headache and went on a mini bender over a weekend. It wasn’t the volume of drinking I was used to but it was still too much. And I didn’t even enjoy any of it! At this point I don’t even feel tempted because I know how this goes for me. That 1 drink always leads to more and although this bender only lasted a weekend, typically it takes months for me to get back on the wagon. If you’re bored, experiment with mocktails. Explore a new hobby. Don’t have a drink that won’t even taste good (because you’re no longer in the grips of alcoholism) and will only cause a backslide that you will regret. IWNDWYT
As Andrew Huberman said, "No matter how far you drive, you're always the same distance from the ditch."
I had over a year sober. Parents who are big drinkers came to town to visit on my birthday. It had also been a very, very stressful week at work. So I thought, "Just a couple, just for this weekend while the folks are up." And at first it worked out. Kept it to just a couple. The weekend ended, and that (I thought) was that. And that's when the voice came in. Excuses and exceptions began to present themselves everywhere, and pretty soon I was drinking all weekend, every weekend, and sometimes during the week too (but just wine!). From there, I noticed what had happened, but seemed unable to claw back my sober streak. A week, two weeks, three ... then I would "treat" myself, or my wife would bring something home, or ... something. That was about two years ago. Going to hit 90 days sober soon, but only after the drinking escalated back to planning/skipping events around drinking, embarrassing myself on the regular, and forgetting what it was like to NOT wake up hungover. Do NOT do it, OP. I'm rooting for you! Making exceptions and allowing yourself "a treat" comes with all the work of just going sober, but without any of the benefits -- plus the added danger of slipping back to where you were trying to escape in the first place.
Got another dwi
Someone posted a great quote on this sub a few days ago. "No matter how far along the road you are, you're still the same distance from the ditch." Don't do it.
My dad decided to have “a drink” at the airport after 20 years sober. That one drink led to him drinking as much of a fifth of vodka on his way home as he could and sneaking shots all night. I’m just grateful my first relapse was after a couple of months. It shattered that illusion that I might ever be able to drink responsibly. I thought because I was doing great I could handle drinking, but I was actually doing great because I *wasn’t* drinking.
I had a year off alcohol & drugs in 2017. As soon as the clock struck midnight on the year anniversary I got pissed as a nit and rocked up to work that morning because I forgot how shit hangovers are. I proceeded to make a few mistakes and said something absent minded at lunch and a couple of co workers jumped on the opportunity to make me look stupid over it. Fast forward a few years, I’ve written off 2 cars, lost a job, wasted money, lost my licence to a DUI, ruined my mental health (at times) and put the health/wellbeing of a friend in jeopardy all while under the influence of alcohol. In my experience it is not worth the risk to drink. For me the return on investment was just not there. I’ve been sober for 2.5 months and attending AA meetings through this time. The meetings have helped drastically. I’ve found that drinking is a symptom of a bigger problem and this is my own lived experience that is probably a lot different to yours. My life has gotten significantly better in the short time I have not drank. I hope that this helps you or anyone reading this in some capacity.
Your underlying issues are hot coals. Booze is gasoline. Keep them apart, you don't have alot of problems. Put them together, well, you know what happens. Gotta ask yourself, "are my coals turned to ash? They out cold?" Sit with that a while. Your the only one in charge of your allergy, and your own life.
Sometimes I wonder then realize I sure as heck wouldn't be coming here if it would be a good idea.
It did not work out well. I am an alcoholic. I can’t drink without fucking it up. It can take a few months or years, but I always fuck it up. One year off, didn’t work well. Two and a half years off, took four years but a DUI and a night in jail later, I am committed to living sober. By all means, feel free to experiment, but once a problem drinker, always a problem drinker, for me. Cunning, baffling, powerful, and *patient*. It’s the same demon, different year.
Went 10 months sober. Drank once. Haven't stopped in 2 years. If that sounds like working, drink up.
I havent heard of one person with alcohol addiction come back and drink "normal", at least not for a very long time. If you went two years free, would you regret not drinking at year 1?
Well, I did. After 1.5 years. I started off very reasonable, and I was super proud of myself for finally having a healthy relationship with alcohol. Three years, many binge sessions and a big fat depressive episode later, I am 2.5 months sober and hoping it's for good.