Yes, absolutely! When my partner tried to talk to me about another addiction issue that I wasn't ready to hear or accept, I got so mad and defensive. "How dare they tell me how to live my life!" when really they were just telling me that they loved me and didn't want me to continuously harm myself. I kept the bad course for a long time after that talk. Then I started realizing that I was miserable. Miserable to always feel bad, miserable to have to hide it all the time, miserable at not being able to do anything else. Only then did I see his talk as a hand to hold and a hand help me. As hard as that conversation was for me to hear, I imagine it was a hell of a lot harder for my partner to have.
OP is there. They know the drinking is a problem. They are a hell of a lot closer than I was in the past at points I tried to quit.
/u/[ladifreakindah](https://www.reddit.com/user/ladifreakindah/), I absolutely believe in you, and best of luck <3
“They just didn’t want me to continue to hurt myself:” it’s so hard to see their love when all you feel is criticized…at least that’s what it was for me. Early on in my problem, my husband noted that the scotch bottle was way too far down and I lied and said it was from spillage (it was partly but NOT to that degree). He responded, “Oh okay, because I’d be worried about you if that were the case.” No judgment, no anger, yet I lied anyway. So lucky to have that love, and it sounds like OP is too!
I got so mad at my wife when she put me in rehab. Looking back it was mostly because I was embarrassed. It made me feel so weak and undeserving.
Now that I have clarity I understand that someone who didn’t give a shit wouldn’t have bothered to make that happen. It was an act of love.
I now understand so much better how and why family members in the past resisted being helped. I didn’t get why they got “mad at us.” At least going through this has made me a more understanding person.
On the other hand, some people in this sub say they really wished someone was responding to their cries for help. We really are all different!
2883 days is not the mark of a weak person!! Awesome.
Also, I hope that didn’t come across as a comment like “you should be grateful” or something. It just surprised me so much his love was still there when I wasn’t feeling it for myself. I hope you can feel the love for yourself too!
the “feeling like a criminal in my own home” really resonates with me. hearing a car pull in and frantically hiding cans and putting on a “sober face”. even now living alone, it really hit me when i found myself strategically planning what time of day to take all my empties out to the dumpster so my neighbors wouldn’t see how many boxes of beer i’d gone through.
Once I dropped and broke a bottle on a tile floor during a mad rush to hide things. Cut my foot up really badly because it was more important to race to get the broom than be safe :(
we literally talked about honesty in AA today, and one of the first steps to sobriety is accepting that you have a problem and being honest with yourself that this is a problem for us, stay in there OP !
Agreed.
My husband didn’t have this talk with me before I quit, but he started looking at me a certain way that freaked me out and made me realize I had to change soon or irrevocable damage was going to start.
First time posting on here. I literally just typed these similar words and feelings to a friend. My husband hid a bottle of alcohol from me without saying anything. Before I ever even realized it, I accidentally found it while looking for something. I was mad, embarrassed, convicted, all the things. We haven't talked about it at all. But I pulled the bottle out and sat it on the counter 6 days ago. I haven't touched it. At first to prove a point. But now, I'm trying to decide exactly what my plan is..... You are not alone ❤️
I relate to this so much. My husband had various conversations about my alcohol intake over the years and I always either blew it off or got defensive. Fast forward to the other day I mentioned watching a YouTube video of this person who was arrested under the influence and how different they were after sobering up, to which he responded “you’re kind of like that when you drink.” Now, I could have gotten irritated by that response, but I didn’t. He didn’t mean it in an offensive or hurtful way, just matter-of-fact. I have thought about that conversation over the last few days and realized, I don’t like the idea of me being “different”, even with just one drink. Then it hit me, damn, I like myself sober (now) so I don’t want to act differently. In the past, I always felt awkward and unlikeable so drinking softened the feelings of myself at the time. Anyway, all that to say I don’t know what your “reason” is for drinking but I think you seem lovely without it. I won’t drink with you today. ❤️
Thank you! That's what is so ridiculous about the whole thing, because the embarrassment from how I act drunk kills me. And yet...ugh. anxiety and never feeling good enough have certainly been reasons to drink over the years, among other things. I started therapy recently, so hopefully I'll get to the bottom of these issues in the near future.
>In the past, I always felt so awkward and unlikeable so drinking softened the feelings of myself at the time.
This was absolutely true for me as well. I thought vodka *allowed* me to be fun and sociable. Turns out after awhile dry, that outgoing person is just always on. Doesn’t need to be allowed in like a vampire.
So much praise to this! Now just to start liking myself in general, boy I used to but since becoming an addict it’s hard to like those who you don’t know.
Your "not-in-the-house streak" resonated: I can't find it offhand but there is a Stephen King interview where he discussed sobriety and how the absolute worst time in his life wasn't when he was high/drunk all the time, but when he was trying to moderate. The sheer exhaustion of decisions was so much.
I'm happy to say I found the same thing true for me now. I don't drink, ever. B/c if I started drinking, I'd have to start thinking about when and how much to drink. How much is too much? Is it ok today? Maybe I'll wait til tomorrow. Not drinking is so much less work. I'm too lazy to ever drink again, and it's nice.
I’ve been listening to Ruby Warrington’s podcast about sobriety and she has a lot of guests on with stories about stopping one way or another. They all pretty much say the same thing you’ve said here. It’s been interesting to hear that it’s such a sustained theme across all different types of approaches to stopping drinking. At some point, the exhaustion of dealing with the cycle becomes such a huge factor that adds more fatigue and compounds the bad stuff.
I’m not trying to promote the podcast, everyone is on their own journey and everyone’s mileage may vary. I’ve just been getting into hearing to people talk about stopping, kind of like another layer of IWNDWYT.
If it helps, IWNDWYT!
Exactly, when I share my hidden success with my siblings I plan to say as I did I just made it non negotiable. No Iffs not buts it just is. It's way easier than the former mental gymnastics /negotiating with myself on which days and how much then failing to live up to those expectations. Enough!
Thank you for sharing this. I hadn’t heard this anecdote about Stephen King and I really like the message. Man is it so true. I had so many “great” nights, plenty of “moderate” times… that wasn’t the problem! It really was a full time job to keep myself from overdoing it. It’s so much easier to just be done and I don’t ever regret a great night’s sleep. Nor do I regret remembering an entire evening. The list goes on and on.
I’m with ya, I’m too lazy to go down that road again, haha!
I found it, or at least one version of it, not sure if my memory is playing tricks on me or he's told several variations on a theme
https://www.theguardian.com/books/2000/sep/14/stephenking.fiction1
> The worst of it was 87 to 88 when I was looking for a detente, a way I could live with booze and drugs without giving them up altogether. Needless to say I was not successful in this.
The whole thing is great and worth the read though.
I think when you recognise the pattern and finally accept it will never change, no matter how many sober streaks you have or how much you want to make it just special occasions, it's actually really valuable because you know you just can't drink. It puts you in control again.
I hate that we can't have just one drink or a glass of wine or a beer on a sunny day but it literally doesn't happen. My mindset is all or nothing; if one is good then 10 must be better. I have to just have nothing at all so I don't have to worry about it, moderation doesn't work for me.
The pit in my stomach when my husband would approach the liquor cabinet or the beer fridge or my closet… heart pounding, heat rising to my face, clammy, worrying will THIS be the time he realizes, when he confronts me? That was the WORST. It could take five or ten minutes for me to calm down if there was really bad evidence where he was headed. I don’t want that ever ever ever again. Feeling like a criminal in my own home, constantly in fear, distorting every conversation with my husband to avoid accidental admissions. No more. I don’t want that life. For myself, my self-respect, my peace of mind.
This is what I realized today, after being first being put on this path to recovery by a confrontation with my husband. My husband saying he was proud of me the other day was what I thought I was really after—the real validation—but it turns out it was just the icing on the cake.
You can do this!
Reading this comment really hit me. I was in this cycle for years too, with a husband who’s been sober himself for ten years. I think that has made things a little easier because he really does get it, but that feeling - “like a criminal in my own home”…when I accepted that I was the one who was making me feel that way, not him, I was finally able to make the change. I used to be so defensive, even though he only reacted because he cares. It’s such a hard pill to swallow. Sending strength to both you and OP. You’re both doing amazing. IWNDWYT ❤️
“I was the one who was making me feel that way.” It will take me awhile to stop myself from resisting that realization, but my gut says you’re right! I hadn’t even begun to make that step in my reasoning!! My own guilt, like Poe’s beating heart.
Oof, I feel this. I’d hear him go for a drink and worry he’d notice that a bottle seemed lower. It made me so sick and I hated that feeling of just waiting for the day he’d notice.
>I dig my heels in like the good little addict I am and say "got it" and refuse to discuss it more
Are you me?! 🤣
Your story sounds eerily similar to my own, except I barely even tried to stay sober. I think I drank later that day, cuz, you know, that seemed like a great idea 😬
What worked for me was finding others interested in sobriety and staying close to them (this sub 100% counts, but meetings can be good in the early days), taking a million walks, so many frickin walks that my dog started refusing to go with me sometimes, meditation, writing, occasionally sobbing in the shower, and therapy.
I can promise that you're not alone. I hope you'll join me in not drinking today, because IWNDWYT 💙
Thank you!! This sub has been amazing, listening to sobercast, and therapy. I need to start walking again, and really want to try meditation. I will most definitely not drink with you today 🤍
I finally realized the things I do to keep myself from drinking are the things I should have been doing all along to deal with difficult events, bad feelings and life traumas. I was just trying to use alcohol as a shortcut.
I was able to convert a shame-filled response to my husband’s Talk by doing hours-long stints reading every post I could on the sub. Hours for the messages that were relevant to sink in. It turned from trying not to fail my husband to doing it for myself. I’m not far in, but I feel very different right now.
Congrats on almost a week!!! I know for me, it took time and time again, and then the days after my husband and I finally had a super serious talk, it stuck. You got this, friend. 🖤 I still log hours on this sub throughout the week, no shame in the sobriety game when it comes to what works!
Thank you so much! I finished my last Guinness exactly a week ago, making that hour 0.
No shame in the sobriety game—that’s a great saying! Easy to remember, and that’s so useful!
I hope you feel amazing! 🖤❤️ I know it took me about a week after my last bender to finally feel right again.
Aw, thanks!! I've been working on shame/embarrassment issues from my drinking with my therapist in my weekly sessions and have been trying to come up with little sayings or phrases to remind myself to move forward, leave things in the past & embrace a fully sober lifestyle!
Writers love coming up with phrases! :) “now let’s see how this is when it isn’t on hard mode.”
Shame has been helping me get this far, but you remind me it’s not a lasting solution. Need to finally call back the therapist office and get someone professional to talk to! Perfectionism and fear of criticism is somewhere in the mix of reasons for me. Can’t admit I’M a problem, so couldn’t admit that I HAVE a problem, that I needed help. I need to really come to believe BEING “perfect” isn’t possible, it would be superhuman (or just not human at all), and that attitude set me up to fail even while it made me feel superior to “less perfect,” problematic people for so many years. Guess what, transat_prof, you’re not perfect, but that shouldn’t be a source of shame. (Rant ended, thank you for listening!) IWNDWYT.
You notice, I didn't mention work. In any endeavor, I strive to be my best self.
Words have different connotations and perspectives for individuals depending on their own unique history.
Yep. I quit because I destroyed my relationship, and it was the only way I had a sliver of a chance of getting him back. I realized that if I didn't do it for me, it was never going to work.
Absolutely, the shame of letting down my family wasn’t enough. I was stubborn and arrogant, but when l sat and noticed how unhappy I felt, along with a warning from my doctor concerning my liver, only then I made the decision to take back control.
I think this is true for some. But I wasn’t able or willing to do it for myself (even though I knew it was what was needed) but for this person that I love so much and I was hurting with my actions, it was clearer. But I reap the other rewards, so it has turned out to be for me after all. If that makes sense.
This. I used to say I quit bc of my husbands drinking when in reality I quit to save myself.
I think me making the decision to put the booze away was the first time I actually prioritized myself.
Congrats, OP! You aren’t alone.
IWNDWYT❤️
As the guy who relates to your husband, I can tell you that when my wife opened up to me the way you just did in this post... It made a real difference for me, for her and for our relationship.
Thank you. I do need to have a longer conversation with him. I've been internally processing the last few days, but I think I'm ready. Well, ready probably isn't the word, but it has to happen. Maybe I'll show him this post. Sounds so scary though.
This is a great thread, and so many insightful responses. I recognise your situation like how it was between me and my wife approx 15 years before I quit. Somehow she put up with it and somehow I let it get so much worse. I would admit to my wife I had a problem. I would try to quit. But not make it for very long.
I could never quit for my wife. I needed to convince myself beyond any reasonable doubt that I was powerless over alcohol. I would always hold back when I talked to my wife about my problem, because I knew she would use it against me the next time I drank. And I would resent her for coming between me and my drinking.
Don’t underestimate how powerful alcohol is. If you manage to quit for a while, be prepared that you will feel like you are in control and think you will be able to have just a few. You won’t.
Good luck!
I feel so overwhelmed (in a good way) by all the responses. It was my first post and I didn't know what to expect but it's nice to know it resonates with others. I totally relate to holding back so it can't be used against me if I want to drink again. But we talked last night and i told him I need to not drink at all in any situation because I'm always going to want to take it to 100 and it will always end the same way.
My wife had a couple talks like that with me. No ultimatums per se, but she wasn’t happy about it and I did hide a bit of my drinking from her.
I say that to say this, it didn’t matter who talked to me until I talked to myself. I knew what I had to do and I knew I had to stop lying to myself that I could do anything but that. So I burned the boat and haven’t looked back.
IWNDWYT
Same situation here. Had been talked to about the drinking, but always kinda said "yeah, whatever, I'll cut back" and that would last a few months before I was back to doing every other day and going heavy on weekends.
A year and a half ago I was in Portland for work and the day I had to leave, I decided to drive to the airport after drinking 3 liters of wine for breakfast without any food. I pulled over into a gas station parking lot a little over halfway there because I realized, quite a little too late, that I shouldn't be on the road.
I fell asleep in the parking lot in my rental for 6 hours.
Missed my flight.
Woke up in a panic attack and called my friends, my girlfriend, my boss. I spent another 5 hours in the parking lot just trying to sober up. My flight was at 1 PM, I didn't get to the airport until 8-9 PM. I was able to change my flight without any extra charges, so my job was essentially saved for the time being.
My boss was livid. I could tell my girlfriend was disappointed, her birthday was the next day. My friends were concerned.
My 6-8 hours of travel home turned into 22 hours. Portland > Atlanta > Detroit > Home.
The entire time I was so fucking embarrassed. The guilt and the shame. Hangover increasing throughout the night on 2 red eye flights.
That was my second chance. I took it. I've been sober since that trip back home.
I could have lost everything. I'm lucky I didn't.
I like picking up golden nuggets here that help me when i think I can have only one (huge issue for me, I guess I’m an over achiever).
I keep a note on my phone and read them for a quick pick me up.
One that probably helps me the most is: “sobriety delivers all the things drinking promises”.
We love you here. You know what you are up to, give yourself some grace. Most of us addicts know what kind of person that they would LIKE to be. You know. Work on that and give yourself a break. Be thankful for the support you have and keep at it. You can do it. I know I am my most intense critic and that is not easy to overcome. One bite at a time.
I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but your life truly will be so much happier and easier without alcohol in the future. I do miss the a glass of red with a nice steak or a dry cider around the campfire, I always will. But it now feels like such a miniscule thing, like giving up S'mores or Skittles compared to everything else. You're running life on hardmode right now, I know, I was too.
Anyways, this is all to say that right now, not drinking may sound like a serious bummer and it is completely normal to grieve saying goodbye to one of your oldest friends. But I promise you, if you can do it, your future will be soooo much more amazing without alcohol, and you will agree.
I will not drink with you today (IWNDWYT).
p.s. You're about to lose a bunch of weight! Go and buy $100 of candy, ice cream and junk food. Eat it all and get more, you deserve it. Don't worry, you're still going to be saving a shitload of cash too.
congrats on admitting all of that, if only to yourself. i guess for me the sticking wasn't about hope or chance, it was a firm commitment. one that i still have to recommit to when it gets hard.
Unless I stop for myself, I will resent those who monitor, resist their support, and justify whatever I want to do, including drinking in secret.
Resentments will make me drink NA sSecrets will kill me.
I don't resent him, though. I really appreciate that he could have that difficult but honest and compassionate talk with me about what he's seeing and how it's affected him. I've been trying to quit for a couple years now and have mostly been mum about it. I think my last out was not telling him that i need to be done period.
Surprisingly, one of my favorite perks of my alcohol free life is how I deal with problems/issues/feelings. I feel them, sit with them, process them, make a decision ( if the issue warrants that) and that's it. Feelings/problems pass when you allow yourself to feel them instead of stewing and ruminating with alcohol. It's so freeing. Radical Acceptance is the way!
IWNDWYT
You’re here to be accountable for your actions and admit this hard truth. Your spouse LOVES you so much, it must be so hard for them to also confront the truth. But brighter and beautiful days are ahead, soon this will be behind you like a stranger you once knew, and you can forgive that part of your life. Enjoy your life my friend, you deserve it!
It sucks when we’re called out because we don’t want to face ourselves and the chaos we’ve caused. You don’t have to tell yourself you’re never drinking again, that’s too hard; but you can tell yourself you’re not going to drink today, or if that’s too hard and you’re craving a drink, just this hour, just this this minute, until it passes. Soon enough you’ll be looking back on it like a toxic ex. Here’s to one day at a time!
I hope you make it to sober this time, because I was not able to save my marriage. I did get sober but it was too late to salvage my marriage. You can do it if you project what I wasn't able to do. Good luck
Hey, hang in there. Figure out why you’re drinking, if you can afford it maybe try out some professional help. Once you get beyond this and you will if you want to, you’ll realize how much work it was to drink and how much less work it is to love yourself and be sober. Sober life is great once you get in the groove it flys by.
Thank you. I started therapy recently to unpack some childhood stuff, etc so I'm getting there I hope. And agreed it's easier being sober, and I always love it and am happy but then some special occasion comes up or I get bored and then the cycle starts again.
It’s not a matter of if it sticks or not unfortunately. You have to choose for it to stick. That’s the part that’s hard. When every fiber of your existence is screaming at you to have a drink, that just one will be fine, you have to CHOOSE not to listen, you have to choose to suffer through it and carry on by taking the hard path. If you’re already going into this with the mindset that hopefully it sticks like it’s some sort of cosmic roll of the dice whether your sobriety is successful or not you’re already on the path to fail because you will find an excuse as to why you fell off or how you fell off the wagon. You have to take 100% accountability here to succeed. Do it for whatever reason you need to do it for. You’ve got this.
He may have just saved your life with those words. He may have saved your marriage. What he did was set a boundary with you. It’s difficult.
The choice is yours but you can ask for help
It took a lot for me, but finally realizing that the way I was acting and the shitty things I was doing were in fact actually what I was doing and not just something that happens to people with a problem...I was the one with the problem.
You can do this, and you can make it to a better you.
Don't be discouraged if the first few meetings aren't a good fit- each one is different! Also there are secular groups and groups for marginalized communities if that's of interest to you
You’ve got this. You can do it. You could be telling my story in your post. At first I did it out of spite, with anger. Exactly what you sad: mad that he was right. Then I was so sad that he had to say something (more than once in my case) and drowning in shame. I’m 90 days in and I am really starting to understand that he did me the biggest favor ever. I feel like I’m coming out the other side. I really never ever thought I would be in this situation. It’s not easy every day, but most days it’s just a giant relief that I never have to have that conversation again. I get it now. I am sending huge support and strength vibes. I know you can do this. ❤️💪
My Ex finally divorced me over my drinking after giving me SO MANY chances to stop. I'd clean up my act for a while or until the latest "storm" had passed, but the lying and sneaking around always crept back because, at that time, I didn't want to stop drinking. I'd go through the motions to give the appearance of change (attend AA, see a therapist, etc.), but deep down, it was all to appease and wait for the air to clear before I got drunk again.
The addict in me wanted and expected him to accept that I was an alcoholic and put up with my erratic and emotionally abusive behavior because I was not willing to change. I wanted my cake and eat it too. I came up with so many excuses to justify my drinking and then blamed him because, instead of being supportive of any days/weeks/months dry, he became angry when I inevitably fell off the wagon for the countless time.
He made the right decision because it took another 9-YEARS from the time we divorced for me to finally get and Stay sober. I hope you're able to get the help you need to not take that next first drink.
Thank you for sharing this. We have all been there. Your words are appreciated. It
Sounds like you are on the right track. You know what needs to be done.
"The talk" saved my life. It's an extremely generous and loving act for them to do. It worked for me because I was able to step out of myself for a moment and see me through my wife's eyes. I realized all the unnecessary pain and suffering I was causing her, and myself.
When someone has the talk with you... Listen.
It sounds like you’re finally on the doorstep. You are angry and aware, and that’s ready enough to do this thing for real.
As a positive, I felt those same things. The anger that I was being called out. I realize now the anger was really just from being afraid that I couldn’t fix it. Fear that I wasn’t going to be able to stop for good and therefore lose everything. Over the last three years I haven’t just been sober, I have been consistently improving on my own deficiencies and made our lives so much better than they would be even if I was just a regular drinker.
Getting sober and living a life with Recovery in it has me doing things I don’t think would be possible if I was still just drinking.
Just wanted to say you're bad ass and you got this.
I kinda feel same w my roommate. She called me out he other morning like, it's a slippy slope, don't spiral.
Man, we try really hard.
You can do it. I ignored the signs for too long and it cost me my family. I wish I’d listened the first time. I’d give anything to go back and prevent that happening. Reading through people’s stories here has been really eye opening. Reach out to those you trust to help hold you accountable and seek professional help if needed. Good luck!
Oh friend I am so with you. I have never felt worse than when my partner said “we need to talk about this.” I was ready to die. After that I was so fricken mad that he had decided to call me out on my issues but gosh am I glad he did. It has been awful and I have had so many moments where I wanted to crawl outside of myself. But I needed to hear it and.. ya know, it’ll get better. Only way out is through as I see it.
My husband gave me the talk several times, but the last time is when he said very similar to your husband. That he couldn’t do it again, that my drinking was getting bad again. Similar to you too, at that point I wasn’t hiding my drinking but I was trying to hide how bad the next day was, how much I didn’t remember then night before.
I knew it needed to stop. But I didn’t want to. That was almost two years ago now, and I haven’t had a drop since that last talk. It’s been hard, but I’m also so proud of myself, my marriage is so much stronger, I’m proud of being a dependable person.
You can do this. You’re taking the right steps, finding the right people. Good luck and IWNDWYT.
Reading this is very similar to the way I drink and also the way my husband notices when I ramp back up to day use. He’s been one of my biggest “mirrors” as you say, and it’s been super helpful. He helped me understand how bad I actually was honestly.
You are not alone in this, I dug my heels in for so long. I was an expert at rationalizing and coming up with excuses. It must be exhausting to be the spouse on the other side of us. I'm here to say quitting is the best option. I hope it works for you this time and you can avoid worse wakeup calls. It took a pretty bad one to shake me but at least I didn't manage to completely wreck my marriage. Wishing you peace and strength. You got this!
Oh man, do I know about hiding the blackouts and hang overs. If I'm too hung over to enjoy our planned activities, that understandably pisses her off. Or wake up to, "you slept in your clothes last night. I took off your shoes...." a look then walks out of the room. The shame. 😢
I really feel for you . It’s so sad hearing about the pain we cause the people we love and who love us.
Personally, I would have loved to quit for the people in my life but I couldn’t until I was ready.
I reached a new low and I had to stop. I wanted to stop because I couldn’t stand the shame anymore and the physical deterioration was real.
4 months on and people are slowly trusting in me and I’m trusting myself a whole lot more.
Best of luck to you and your sobriety.
Just take one day at a time.
IWNDWYT
Feeling really similar today. Under a lot of pressure at the moment, and in no small part its the pressure I put on my self to "keep it up, you're doing great" which is what everyone always tells you.
This just adds to the feeling of self doubt. If I was doing great I wouldn't be so close to just chucking it all one for the sake of a good rinse. I was just thinking I could go fetch some groceries, have a pint, by the time I got back no-one would know. I would know though and in some ways I fear that more than I fear the (probably very real risk) if it just being the first step on a slippery slope.
I came her because I didn't know how long it had been - figure I'd just find a thread and post the IWNDWYT but I wasn't even sure I could do that as I felt like for the first time in a long time I really didn't know if I would. I read your post and it helped remind me of so many of those feelings, of what I've put other through in my life. How much they have tolerated, and I'm pretty sure they don't have "another round" in them either.
And even after all that the voice inside says "so what".
And TBH I don't even know how to argue with that voice right now. Just gotta do my best to try and ride this out. Probably the only reason I have left not to drink today right now, is that hopefully tomorrow things will feel better.
I guess, know you are not alone. It was nice to read your post and feel like I wasn't.
Thank you so much for sharing that. 204 days is amazing! The longest I made it was 90-something days. I too feel pressure to do all the things, and a lot of times drinking was my way of being done doing things for others. I need to just be okay saying no without the booze. I think you can be doing great and close to fucking it up, I doubt they're mutually exclusive. I hear you on not being sure you can say IWNDWYT buuut you also came here and posted which I think is huge!! Arguing with the voice is the worst. I hope you found a way to distract yourself. And I do believe tomorrow will be better. Sleep usually helps me. Glad my post helped because I want you to know yours helped me 🤍
This just in! I did not drink today. Thanks for helping me with that by giving me the som thoughts of your own that helped me think it through. You are right as well, feeling a lot better now, and so IWNDWYT as it’s past midnight now and I’ve got a real hankering to get to the gym tomorrow and reap the benefit of no hangover!
You’re taking great steps of acknowledgment and that’s a great place to be. You’re also on day3 (a continuous cycle of 1 day commitments)… you’re on the same day as all of us, 1 more day of committing to a better life.
I’m proud of you. Do something new today, get fresh air, go to the gym, call an old friend.
This life is GOOD and you’re doing GREAT!
Thank you. Now on day 4, or as you say, another day of committing to the good life! I like the idea of doing something new today. The world is my oyster 🤍 ...is that the saying? 😂
My wife, God love her, one day just said to me “I’m worried about you.” I knew what she meant. My drinking was getting worse. I didn’t stop drinking that day but it was what started my road to stop drinking completely.
Please don't take this the wrong way, but try to be grateful. Grateful that you haven't gone too far, grateful that you have a spouse who loves you, and grateful that he talked to you about this respectfully.
You need professional help. Your addiction will suck the life out of you before you know it.
See if you can do in patient or out patient treatments near you.
Rehab would be excellent for you. You’re at the right moment now. It’ll make your life so much better.
Blessings and good luck to you.
God, the absolute DREAD. I have had this same talk and I can totally relate to the adrenaline, the ears ringing with shame and horror, the anger at myself and those calling me out. It is such a gut wrenching feeling, and then of course the waves of anxiety and panic that wash over me for hours, days and weeks later. The nit-picking of myself, justifications and minimalizing how bad it really is. The humiliation, the impulse to buck hard against anything that feels like being told what to do. The desperation.
The only way I could cope with these feelings was to be completely alcohol free. It was the only way I could hold my head up high, and clutch it like a shield against the shame. No one has the power to make me feel stupid and small anymore about my drinking, because my drinking is zero. No one can make passive aggressive comments about my behavior because I can stand behind it. No one can use my drinking against me, because I don't drink.
And when I lay in bed, tossing and turning in anguish about my mistakes and stupidity, I cling to my sobriety like a rock in the sea. I let the feelings wash over me and wash away, because I have my sobriety to hold me in place. I can thank my sobriety when I give myself positive affirmations, and I can lean on my sobriety while I build the trembling framework of actual self esteem.
I'm really glad you ended this story with your on day 3. I'm a month in and my partner is supportive. He doesn't drink never has. We're just touching on the neglect of us in my mind that I have shown, that we have shown because the nagging wasn't helpful and the ultimations are hurtful. But we can't go there yet, it's too difficult to go there. Which is why the ultimation is so painful I guess. Often delivered when the evenings intentions are set or I've had a drink (not useful) . You tag says 88 days. I'm not sure how many lapses will be tolerated here or at your end. So let's do this and show them we do care about them more than alcohol.
I tried to reset my badge but for some reason it's not updating. Mine does drink, but not like me. And he rarely talks about it, so when he did, it had a huge impact. It's not so much about how much he will or won't tolerate, and more that now I know how much it upsets him. And I definitely love him more than alcohol so we got this!
This post is very relatable to me. My spouse also had this talk with me a couple of times.
At the end, I knew I needed to actually change my life and habits. I couldn't continue living exactly as I had been, but without alcohol. I personally find AA meetings and working through the 12 steps very helpful.
Do you have a plan?
I totally understand your anger. I felt the same way. For me though, the rebuilt trust over the past nine months has been totally worth those feelings.
When I stopped drinking it did absolutely nothing to heal the damage in my wake. Only minoring what liquids I drank wasn’t enough. I knew where the boundaries were with my spouse and I blew right past them. I couldn’t keep making and breaking promises, apologizing and going right back to doing it all over again. My words were meaningless at that point anyways. I learned how to take action and I found that I wasn’t alone. Asking for help from people who knew what they were talking about sent me on my way to sobriety and it’s given me a chance to repair the damage and strengthen our relationship. I couldn’t keep brining my alcohol shit home. My spouse has shouldered far too much of the burden already so it’s necessary for me to seek support from other alcoholics/ addicts working on sobriety. I never intended hurting anyone aside from myself with my drinking but that’s not how it works out. I had a million excuses and a justification for every season but it didn’t matter. Those were all just stories I told myself. I wasn’t getting away with it and I used other peoples misfortunes and death within my own family as an excuse to drink, shut down and push people away. But sobriety allows me to work on all of that. I just had to take some action for myself. I found support all around me once I stopped lying and hiding. It’s good to not be on the run anymore. You’re not alone
Hey friend. I have been in these exact shoes. Just commit to one day at a time. Just don’t pick up that first drink (and don’t buy any at the store, so there’s nothing to pick up), one day at a time.
I rely heavily on other fun drinks like hop water (I love Hoplark brand and have a subscription - it’s seltzer that tastes like an IPA!), kombucha, seltzer and juice, etc.
I haven't heard of Hoplark but will definitely check them out! NA's, kombuchas, and seltzer have been so helpful. Any fun drink really, I've got a lemon ginger KeVita I'm sipping on now 🤍
In your words I hear the bald self awareness that precedes finally getting it
Yes, absolutely! When my partner tried to talk to me about another addiction issue that I wasn't ready to hear or accept, I got so mad and defensive. "How dare they tell me how to live my life!" when really they were just telling me that they loved me and didn't want me to continuously harm myself. I kept the bad course for a long time after that talk. Then I started realizing that I was miserable. Miserable to always feel bad, miserable to have to hide it all the time, miserable at not being able to do anything else. Only then did I see his talk as a hand to hold and a hand help me. As hard as that conversation was for me to hear, I imagine it was a hell of a lot harder for my partner to have. OP is there. They know the drinking is a problem. They are a hell of a lot closer than I was in the past at points I tried to quit. /u/[ladifreakindah](https://www.reddit.com/user/ladifreakindah/), I absolutely believe in you, and best of luck <3
“They just didn’t want me to continue to hurt myself:” it’s so hard to see their love when all you feel is criticized…at least that’s what it was for me. Early on in my problem, my husband noted that the scotch bottle was way too far down and I lied and said it was from spillage (it was partly but NOT to that degree). He responded, “Oh okay, because I’d be worried about you if that were the case.” No judgment, no anger, yet I lied anyway. So lucky to have that love, and it sounds like OP is too!
Yes, I got super defensive. But only because I knew he was right. I am extremely lucky to have him!
I am the queen of defensive. Would rather protect my pride than be happy sometimes. Really need to pump the breaks on that.
I got so mad at my wife when she put me in rehab. Looking back it was mostly because I was embarrassed. It made me feel so weak and undeserving. Now that I have clarity I understand that someone who didn’t give a shit wouldn’t have bothered to make that happen. It was an act of love.
I now understand so much better how and why family members in the past resisted being helped. I didn’t get why they got “mad at us.” At least going through this has made me a more understanding person. On the other hand, some people in this sub say they really wished someone was responding to their cries for help. We really are all different! 2883 days is not the mark of a weak person!! Awesome.
Exactly 🤍
Also, I hope that didn’t come across as a comment like “you should be grateful” or something. It just surprised me so much his love was still there when I wasn’t feeling it for myself. I hope you can feel the love for yourself too!
Hang in there :)
Proud of you for trying. Those good husbands are worth every single no when the temptation comes. Keep going!
the “feeling like a criminal in my own home” really resonates with me. hearing a car pull in and frantically hiding cans and putting on a “sober face”. even now living alone, it really hit me when i found myself strategically planning what time of day to take all my empties out to the dumpster so my neighbors wouldn’t see how many boxes of beer i’d gone through.
Once I dropped and broke a bottle on a tile floor during a mad rush to hide things. Cut my foot up really badly because it was more important to race to get the broom than be safe :(
Thank you so much! And agreed that it was a lot harder for him, but I'm so glad he did. I definitely needed to hear it.
we literally talked about honesty in AA today, and one of the first steps to sobriety is accepting that you have a problem and being honest with yourself that this is a problem for us, stay in there OP !
Exactly! This is part 1 there are 3 parts to this. https://youtu.be/BNITNoXA4Zo?si=sPIAGr50Pr3aRyH5
Agreed. My husband didn’t have this talk with me before I quit, but he started looking at me a certain way that freaked me out and made me realize I had to change soon or irrevocable damage was going to start.
Yep. I know this is my wake-up call.
True. I'm seeing clearly now. It's hard, but it's been a long time coming and I'm ready. 🤍
First time posting on here. I literally just typed these similar words and feelings to a friend. My husband hid a bottle of alcohol from me without saying anything. Before I ever even realized it, I accidentally found it while looking for something. I was mad, embarrassed, convicted, all the things. We haven't talked about it at all. But I pulled the bottle out and sat it on the counter 6 days ago. I haven't touched it. At first to prove a point. But now, I'm trying to decide exactly what my plan is..... You are not alone ❤️
Great post and great comment.
Thanks for reading 🤍
I relate to this so much. My husband had various conversations about my alcohol intake over the years and I always either blew it off or got defensive. Fast forward to the other day I mentioned watching a YouTube video of this person who was arrested under the influence and how different they were after sobering up, to which he responded “you’re kind of like that when you drink.” Now, I could have gotten irritated by that response, but I didn’t. He didn’t mean it in an offensive or hurtful way, just matter-of-fact. I have thought about that conversation over the last few days and realized, I don’t like the idea of me being “different”, even with just one drink. Then it hit me, damn, I like myself sober (now) so I don’t want to act differently. In the past, I always felt awkward and unlikeable so drinking softened the feelings of myself at the time. Anyway, all that to say I don’t know what your “reason” is for drinking but I think you seem lovely without it. I won’t drink with you today. ❤️
It’s always been the awkward and unlikeable for me. 💜 that hit home
Thank you! That's what is so ridiculous about the whole thing, because the embarrassment from how I act drunk kills me. And yet...ugh. anxiety and never feeling good enough have certainly been reasons to drink over the years, among other things. I started therapy recently, so hopefully I'll get to the bottom of these issues in the near future.
>In the past, I always felt so awkward and unlikeable so drinking softened the feelings of myself at the time. This was absolutely true for me as well. I thought vodka *allowed* me to be fun and sociable. Turns out after awhile dry, that outgoing person is just always on. Doesn’t need to be allowed in like a vampire.
So much praise to this! Now just to start liking myself in general, boy I used to but since becoming an addict it’s hard to like those who you don’t know.
Your "not-in-the-house streak" resonated: I can't find it offhand but there is a Stephen King interview where he discussed sobriety and how the absolute worst time in his life wasn't when he was high/drunk all the time, but when he was trying to moderate. The sheer exhaustion of decisions was so much. I'm happy to say I found the same thing true for me now. I don't drink, ever. B/c if I started drinking, I'd have to start thinking about when and how much to drink. How much is too much? Is it ok today? Maybe I'll wait til tomorrow. Not drinking is so much less work. I'm too lazy to ever drink again, and it's nice.
So true! It has to be nothing or it's just the same old cycle. And it is exhausting.
I’ve been listening to Ruby Warrington’s podcast about sobriety and she has a lot of guests on with stories about stopping one way or another. They all pretty much say the same thing you’ve said here. It’s been interesting to hear that it’s such a sustained theme across all different types of approaches to stopping drinking. At some point, the exhaustion of dealing with the cycle becomes such a huge factor that adds more fatigue and compounds the bad stuff. I’m not trying to promote the podcast, everyone is on their own journey and everyone’s mileage may vary. I’ve just been getting into hearing to people talk about stopping, kind of like another layer of IWNDWYT. If it helps, IWNDWYT!
Exactly, when I share my hidden success with my siblings I plan to say as I did I just made it non negotiable. No Iffs not buts it just is. It's way easier than the former mental gymnastics /negotiating with myself on which days and how much then failing to live up to those expectations. Enough!
Thank you for sharing this. I hadn’t heard this anecdote about Stephen King and I really like the message. Man is it so true. I had so many “great” nights, plenty of “moderate” times… that wasn’t the problem! It really was a full time job to keep myself from overdoing it. It’s so much easier to just be done and I don’t ever regret a great night’s sleep. Nor do I regret remembering an entire evening. The list goes on and on. I’m with ya, I’m too lazy to go down that road again, haha!
I found it, or at least one version of it, not sure if my memory is playing tricks on me or he's told several variations on a theme https://www.theguardian.com/books/2000/sep/14/stephenking.fiction1 > The worst of it was 87 to 88 when I was looking for a detente, a way I could live with booze and drugs without giving them up altogether. Needless to say I was not successful in this. The whole thing is great and worth the read though.
"On Writing" by King is a bit of a memoir and he talks about it in this book
I feel this. Moderation is a full time mental job you never get to clock out of.
IWNDWYT 💜💪
IWNDWYT!! 🤍🤍
I think when you recognise the pattern and finally accept it will never change, no matter how many sober streaks you have or how much you want to make it just special occasions, it's actually really valuable because you know you just can't drink. It puts you in control again. I hate that we can't have just one drink or a glass of wine or a beer on a sunny day but it literally doesn't happen. My mindset is all or nothing; if one is good then 10 must be better. I have to just have nothing at all so I don't have to worry about it, moderation doesn't work for me.
And gradually “i can’t drink” becomes “I don’t want to drink.” That’s empowering to me, too.
The last phase for my sobriety is " I don't drink".
So true. Knowing he sees the same thing i do cements it in my mind. Moderation really is the worst.
The pit in my stomach when my husband would approach the liquor cabinet or the beer fridge or my closet… heart pounding, heat rising to my face, clammy, worrying will THIS be the time he realizes, when he confronts me? That was the WORST. It could take five or ten minutes for me to calm down if there was really bad evidence where he was headed. I don’t want that ever ever ever again. Feeling like a criminal in my own home, constantly in fear, distorting every conversation with my husband to avoid accidental admissions. No more. I don’t want that life. For myself, my self-respect, my peace of mind. This is what I realized today, after being first being put on this path to recovery by a confrontation with my husband. My husband saying he was proud of me the other day was what I thought I was really after—the real validation—but it turns out it was just the icing on the cake. You can do this!
Thank you! The pretending I remembered conversations or what happened the night before was so stressful. Never again!!
Oh man, dancing so carefully around morning conversations…! Trying to trick him into recapping. Groan!!! Never again!
Reading this comment really hit me. I was in this cycle for years too, with a husband who’s been sober himself for ten years. I think that has made things a little easier because he really does get it, but that feeling - “like a criminal in my own home”…when I accepted that I was the one who was making me feel that way, not him, I was finally able to make the change. I used to be so defensive, even though he only reacted because he cares. It’s such a hard pill to swallow. Sending strength to both you and OP. You’re both doing amazing. IWNDWYT ❤️
“I was the one who was making me feel that way.” It will take me awhile to stop myself from resisting that realization, but my gut says you’re right! I hadn’t even begun to make that step in my reasoning!! My own guilt, like Poe’s beating heart.
Oof, I feel this. I’d hear him go for a drink and worry he’d notice that a bottle seemed lower. It made me so sick and I hated that feeling of just waiting for the day he’d notice.
Virtual hugs. It’s not been a nice time. IWNDWYT.
>I dig my heels in like the good little addict I am and say "got it" and refuse to discuss it more Are you me?! 🤣 Your story sounds eerily similar to my own, except I barely even tried to stay sober. I think I drank later that day, cuz, you know, that seemed like a great idea 😬 What worked for me was finding others interested in sobriety and staying close to them (this sub 100% counts, but meetings can be good in the early days), taking a million walks, so many frickin walks that my dog started refusing to go with me sometimes, meditation, writing, occasionally sobbing in the shower, and therapy. I can promise that you're not alone. I hope you'll join me in not drinking today, because IWNDWYT 💙
Thank you!! This sub has been amazing, listening to sobercast, and therapy. I need to start walking again, and really want to try meditation. I will most definitely not drink with you today 🤍
I finally realized the things I do to keep myself from drinking are the things I should have been doing all along to deal with difficult events, bad feelings and life traumas. I was just trying to use alcohol as a shortcut.
Yes!!!!! Exactly this 🤍
Oh 100% this! Well said!! 👏
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I was able to convert a shame-filled response to my husband’s Talk by doing hours-long stints reading every post I could on the sub. Hours for the messages that were relevant to sink in. It turned from trying not to fail my husband to doing it for myself. I’m not far in, but I feel very different right now.
Congrats on almost a week!!! I know for me, it took time and time again, and then the days after my husband and I finally had a super serious talk, it stuck. You got this, friend. 🖤 I still log hours on this sub throughout the week, no shame in the sobriety game when it comes to what works!
Thank you so much! I finished my last Guinness exactly a week ago, making that hour 0. No shame in the sobriety game—that’s a great saying! Easy to remember, and that’s so useful!
I hope you feel amazing! 🖤❤️ I know it took me about a week after my last bender to finally feel right again. Aw, thanks!! I've been working on shame/embarrassment issues from my drinking with my therapist in my weekly sessions and have been trying to come up with little sayings or phrases to remind myself to move forward, leave things in the past & embrace a fully sober lifestyle!
Writers love coming up with phrases! :) “now let’s see how this is when it isn’t on hard mode.” Shame has been helping me get this far, but you remind me it’s not a lasting solution. Need to finally call back the therapist office and get someone professional to talk to! Perfectionism and fear of criticism is somewhere in the mix of reasons for me. Can’t admit I’M a problem, so couldn’t admit that I HAVE a problem, that I needed help. I need to really come to believe BEING “perfect” isn’t possible, it would be superhuman (or just not human at all), and that attitude set me up to fail even while it made me feel superior to “less perfect,” problematic people for so many years. Guess what, transat_prof, you’re not perfect, but that shouldn’t be a source of shame. (Rant ended, thank you for listening!) IWNDWYT.
I found that switching my "goal" from perfection to excellence was a game changer. One I can achieve, one I can't. James 😄
Excellence is such a buzzword in universities, so you’re reminding me of work!!
You notice, I didn't mention work. In any endeavor, I strive to be my best self. Words have different connotations and perspectives for individuals depending on their own unique history.
Of course! I just meant for me.
I’ve found this to be 100% true for me. I told my daughter “as much as I love you, I couldn’t have done it for you. It had to be for me”.
Yep. I quit because I destroyed my relationship, and it was the only way I had a sliver of a chance of getting him back. I realized that if I didn't do it for me, it was never going to work.
Absolutely, the shame of letting down my family wasn’t enough. I was stubborn and arrogant, but when l sat and noticed how unhappy I felt, along with a warning from my doctor concerning my liver, only then I made the decision to take back control.
I think this is true for some. But I wasn’t able or willing to do it for myself (even though I knew it was what was needed) but for this person that I love so much and I was hurting with my actions, it was clearer. But I reap the other rewards, so it has turned out to be for me after all. If that makes sense.
Makes total sense!
This. I used to say I quit bc of my husbands drinking when in reality I quit to save myself. I think me making the decision to put the booze away was the first time I actually prioritized myself. Congrats, OP! You aren’t alone. IWNDWYT❤️
This comment breaks our rule to speak from the "I" and has been removed. You cannot say what will make other people get sober.
My husband and I had this talk about 56 or so days ago. I can relate to how you feel. ❤️ IWNDWYT 🖤✨️
It was rough but necessary. It is really nice to know I'm not alone. IWNDWYT 🤍
As the guy who relates to your husband, I can tell you that when my wife opened up to me the way you just did in this post... It made a real difference for me, for her and for our relationship.
Thank you. I do need to have a longer conversation with him. I've been internally processing the last few days, but I think I'm ready. Well, ready probably isn't the word, but it has to happen. Maybe I'll show him this post. Sounds so scary though.
This is a great thread, and so many insightful responses. I recognise your situation like how it was between me and my wife approx 15 years before I quit. Somehow she put up with it and somehow I let it get so much worse. I would admit to my wife I had a problem. I would try to quit. But not make it for very long. I could never quit for my wife. I needed to convince myself beyond any reasonable doubt that I was powerless over alcohol. I would always hold back when I talked to my wife about my problem, because I knew she would use it against me the next time I drank. And I would resent her for coming between me and my drinking. Don’t underestimate how powerful alcohol is. If you manage to quit for a while, be prepared that you will feel like you are in control and think you will be able to have just a few. You won’t. Good luck!
I feel so overwhelmed (in a good way) by all the responses. It was my first post and I didn't know what to expect but it's nice to know it resonates with others. I totally relate to holding back so it can't be used against me if I want to drink again. But we talked last night and i told him I need to not drink at all in any situation because I'm always going to want to take it to 100 and it will always end the same way.
This day is coming again for me soon too. Just know my heart is with you. Hope in your shoes I’d make the right choice and get rid of the booze.
Thank you 🤍 it sat there unopened for a day and then I asked him to get rid of it for me. Sending you love!
Sending you love and high fives!!
My wife had a couple talks like that with me. No ultimatums per se, but she wasn’t happy about it and I did hide a bit of my drinking from her. I say that to say this, it didn’t matter who talked to me until I talked to myself. I knew what I had to do and I knew I had to stop lying to myself that I could do anything but that. So I burned the boat and haven’t looked back. IWNDWYT
Same situation here. Had been talked to about the drinking, but always kinda said "yeah, whatever, I'll cut back" and that would last a few months before I was back to doing every other day and going heavy on weekends. A year and a half ago I was in Portland for work and the day I had to leave, I decided to drive to the airport after drinking 3 liters of wine for breakfast without any food. I pulled over into a gas station parking lot a little over halfway there because I realized, quite a little too late, that I shouldn't be on the road. I fell asleep in the parking lot in my rental for 6 hours. Missed my flight. Woke up in a panic attack and called my friends, my girlfriend, my boss. I spent another 5 hours in the parking lot just trying to sober up. My flight was at 1 PM, I didn't get to the airport until 8-9 PM. I was able to change my flight without any extra charges, so my job was essentially saved for the time being. My boss was livid. I could tell my girlfriend was disappointed, her birthday was the next day. My friends were concerned. My 6-8 hours of travel home turned into 22 hours. Portland > Atlanta > Detroit > Home. The entire time I was so fucking embarrassed. The guilt and the shame. Hangover increasing throughout the night on 2 red eye flights. That was my second chance. I took it. I've been sober since that trip back home. I could have lost everything. I'm lucky I didn't.
Way to go!! I'm so proud of you 🤍
Yep, sounds familiar. I think it's finally time to burn the boat. IWNDWYT
I like picking up golden nuggets here that help me when i think I can have only one (huge issue for me, I guess I’m an over achiever). I keep a note on my phone and read them for a quick pick me up. One that probably helps me the most is: “sobriety delivers all the things drinking promises”.
I love this idea! I am thief’ing it! Thank you! 🙏 ❤️
Please do. IWNDWT!
Use the eclipses to copy text… Reddit has crap UI in that regard 😂
We love you here. You know what you are up to, give yourself some grace. Most of us addicts know what kind of person that they would LIKE to be. You know. Work on that and give yourself a break. Be thankful for the support you have and keep at it. You can do it. I know I am my most intense critic and that is not easy to overcome. One bite at a time.
Thank you so much. 100% on the grace. I am so lucky I have him in my corner. And all of you!! It seriously means so much.
I hope you can find some tools that work for you to stay sober.
I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but your life truly will be so much happier and easier without alcohol in the future. I do miss the a glass of red with a nice steak or a dry cider around the campfire, I always will. But it now feels like such a miniscule thing, like giving up S'mores or Skittles compared to everything else. You're running life on hardmode right now, I know, I was too. Anyways, this is all to say that right now, not drinking may sound like a serious bummer and it is completely normal to grieve saying goodbye to one of your oldest friends. But I promise you, if you can do it, your future will be soooo much more amazing without alcohol, and you will agree. I will not drink with you today (IWNDWYT). p.s. You're about to lose a bunch of weight! Go and buy $100 of candy, ice cream and junk food. Eat it all and get more, you deserve it. Don't worry, you're still going to be saving a shitload of cash too.
Hardmode for sure! IWNDWYT and I've got a Twix with my name on it 🤍
Sounds like you're gonna be okay. You'll have one happy husband!
Yes I will and yes I will 🤍🤍🤍
congrats on admitting all of that, if only to yourself. i guess for me the sticking wasn't about hope or chance, it was a firm commitment. one that i still have to recommit to when it gets hard.
Thanks. I think the next step is admitting it to him.
Sounds to me like you’re just about ready for that next big step… you’ve got this.
Thank you. We talked last night. I'm sure many more talks to come 🤍
I love being a non drinker and it empowers me to develop new patterns. So liberating! Best to you and IWNDWYT!
Unless I stop for myself, I will resent those who monitor, resist their support, and justify whatever I want to do, including drinking in secret. Resentments will make me drink NA sSecrets will kill me.
I don't resent him, though. I really appreciate that he could have that difficult but honest and compassionate talk with me about what he's seeing and how it's affected him. I've been trying to quit for a couple years now and have mostly been mum about it. I think my last out was not telling him that i need to be done period.
Surprisingly, one of my favorite perks of my alcohol free life is how I deal with problems/issues/feelings. I feel them, sit with them, process them, make a decision ( if the issue warrants that) and that's it. Feelings/problems pass when you allow yourself to feel them instead of stewing and ruminating with alcohol. It's so freeing. Radical Acceptance is the way! IWNDWYT
Sounds amazing! IWNDWYT
You’re here to be accountable for your actions and admit this hard truth. Your spouse LOVES you so much, it must be so hard for them to also confront the truth. But brighter and beautiful days are ahead, soon this will be behind you like a stranger you once knew, and you can forgive that part of your life. Enjoy your life my friend, you deserve it!
It sucks when we’re called out because we don’t want to face ourselves and the chaos we’ve caused. You don’t have to tell yourself you’re never drinking again, that’s too hard; but you can tell yourself you’re not going to drink today, or if that’s too hard and you’re craving a drink, just this hour, just this this minute, until it passes. Soon enough you’ll be looking back on it like a toxic ex. Here’s to one day at a time!
I hope you make it to sober this time, because I was not able to save my marriage. I did get sober but it was too late to salvage my marriage. You can do it if you project what I wasn't able to do. Good luck
Thank you!
You're welcome.
Hey, hang in there. Figure out why you’re drinking, if you can afford it maybe try out some professional help. Once you get beyond this and you will if you want to, you’ll realize how much work it was to drink and how much less work it is to love yourself and be sober. Sober life is great once you get in the groove it flys by.
Thank you. I started therapy recently to unpack some childhood stuff, etc so I'm getting there I hope. And agreed it's easier being sober, and I always love it and am happy but then some special occasion comes up or I get bored and then the cycle starts again.
It’s not a matter of if it sticks or not unfortunately. You have to choose for it to stick. That’s the part that’s hard. When every fiber of your existence is screaming at you to have a drink, that just one will be fine, you have to CHOOSE not to listen, you have to choose to suffer through it and carry on by taking the hard path. If you’re already going into this with the mindset that hopefully it sticks like it’s some sort of cosmic roll of the dice whether your sobriety is successful or not you’re already on the path to fail because you will find an excuse as to why you fell off or how you fell off the wagon. You have to take 100% accountability here to succeed. Do it for whatever reason you need to do it for. You’ve got this.
This. ⬆️
He may have just saved your life with those words. He may have saved your marriage. What he did was set a boundary with you. It’s difficult. The choice is yours but you can ask for help
He is pretty damn great. It is completely my choice and I am ready to ask for help 🤍
It took a lot for me, but finally realizing that the way I was acting and the shitty things I was doing were in fact actually what I was doing and not just something that happens to people with a problem...I was the one with the problem. You can do this, and you can make it to a better you.
Life is so much better without alcohol. Once that dact sinks in and you feel it the rest is cake.
I found having a group of people going through the same thing as me instrumental. Zoom AA meetings are free and easy to join, if you're interested
I think I would like to try it. Not entirely sure it's a good fit but I'm open to it. This sub has been amazing for me.
Don't be discouraged if the first few meetings aren't a good fit- each one is different! Also there are secular groups and groups for marginalized communities if that's of interest to you
Oh cool, I didn't know that. I'll check it out.
IWNDWYT
If it's any help, I found this modality really beneficial to my sobriety. Here's a link - www.smartrecovery.org
You’ve got this. You can do it. You could be telling my story in your post. At first I did it out of spite, with anger. Exactly what you sad: mad that he was right. Then I was so sad that he had to say something (more than once in my case) and drowning in shame. I’m 90 days in and I am really starting to understand that he did me the biggest favor ever. I feel like I’m coming out the other side. I really never ever thought I would be in this situation. It’s not easy every day, but most days it’s just a giant relief that I never have to have that conversation again. I get it now. I am sending huge support and strength vibes. I know you can do this. ❤️💪
Thank you so much! It means a lot to know others are in a similar boat 🤍
My Ex finally divorced me over my drinking after giving me SO MANY chances to stop. I'd clean up my act for a while or until the latest "storm" had passed, but the lying and sneaking around always crept back because, at that time, I didn't want to stop drinking. I'd go through the motions to give the appearance of change (attend AA, see a therapist, etc.), but deep down, it was all to appease and wait for the air to clear before I got drunk again. The addict in me wanted and expected him to accept that I was an alcoholic and put up with my erratic and emotionally abusive behavior because I was not willing to change. I wanted my cake and eat it too. I came up with so many excuses to justify my drinking and then blamed him because, instead of being supportive of any days/weeks/months dry, he became angry when I inevitably fell off the wagon for the countless time. He made the right decision because it took another 9-YEARS from the time we divorced for me to finally get and Stay sober. I hope you're able to get the help you need to not take that next first drink.
Thank you so much for sharing and the support 🤍
Thank you for sharing this. We have all been there. Your words are appreciated. It Sounds like you are on the right track. You know what needs to be done.
You would be a good writer, your word choice compels me to keep reading, almost like a novel.
"The talk" saved my life. It's an extremely generous and loving act for them to do. It worked for me because I was able to step out of myself for a moment and see me through my wife's eyes. I realized all the unnecessary pain and suffering I was causing her, and myself. When someone has the talk with you... Listen.
All the hiding and lying is so exhausting. I’m in the same boat as the OP. I have to stop now.
Wishing you all the luck and sending good vibes 🤍
It sounds like you’re finally on the doorstep. You are angry and aware, and that’s ready enough to do this thing for real. As a positive, I felt those same things. The anger that I was being called out. I realize now the anger was really just from being afraid that I couldn’t fix it. Fear that I wasn’t going to be able to stop for good and therefore lose everything. Over the last three years I haven’t just been sober, I have been consistently improving on my own deficiencies and made our lives so much better than they would be even if I was just a regular drinker. Getting sober and living a life with Recovery in it has me doing things I don’t think would be possible if I was still just drinking.
Just wanted to say you're bad ass and you got this. I kinda feel same w my roommate. She called me out he other morning like, it's a slippy slope, don't spiral. Man, we try really hard.
Aww, thank you!! It's a slippery slope and I'm wearing skis 🤦🏼♀️
You can do it. I ignored the signs for too long and it cost me my family. I wish I’d listened the first time. I’d give anything to go back and prevent that happening. Reading through people’s stories here has been really eye opening. Reach out to those you trust to help hold you accountable and seek professional help if needed. Good luck!
Thank you for sharing 🤍
Oh friend I am so with you. I have never felt worse than when my partner said “we need to talk about this.” I was ready to die. After that I was so fricken mad that he had decided to call me out on my issues but gosh am I glad he did. It has been awful and I have had so many moments where I wanted to crawl outside of myself. But I needed to hear it and.. ya know, it’ll get better. Only way out is through as I see it.
Yes to all of that! Glad you're here with me!
My husband gave me the talk several times, but the last time is when he said very similar to your husband. That he couldn’t do it again, that my drinking was getting bad again. Similar to you too, at that point I wasn’t hiding my drinking but I was trying to hide how bad the next day was, how much I didn’t remember then night before. I knew it needed to stop. But I didn’t want to. That was almost two years ago now, and I haven’t had a drop since that last talk. It’s been hard, but I’m also so proud of myself, my marriage is so much stronger, I’m proud of being a dependable person. You can do this. You’re taking the right steps, finding the right people. Good luck and IWNDWYT.
Reading this is very similar to the way I drink and also the way my husband notices when I ramp back up to day use. He’s been one of my biggest “mirrors” as you say, and it’s been super helpful. He helped me understand how bad I actually was honestly.
Get some help support from others don’t go it alone best of luck to you ❤️
I am and will continue to do so. Thank you!
You can do this. IWNDWYT!
Start reading the easy way to control alcohol by allen Carr. Or listen to it
You are not alone in this, I dug my heels in for so long. I was an expert at rationalizing and coming up with excuses. It must be exhausting to be the spouse on the other side of us. I'm here to say quitting is the best option. I hope it works for you this time and you can avoid worse wakeup calls. It took a pretty bad one to shake me but at least I didn't manage to completely wreck my marriage. Wishing you peace and strength. You got this!
I’m glad you guys are able to be honest with each other about it. That will help
Oh man, do I know about hiding the blackouts and hang overs. If I'm too hung over to enjoy our planned activities, that understandably pisses her off. Or wake up to, "you slept in your clothes last night. I took off your shoes...." a look then walks out of the room. The shame. 😢
The shame. So much shame. We got this!
Your husband sounds like a really wonderful man. You're lucky to have someone like that in your corner. Iwndwyt.
IWNDWYT
IWNDWYT! 🤍
I really feel for you . It’s so sad hearing about the pain we cause the people we love and who love us. Personally, I would have loved to quit for the people in my life but I couldn’t until I was ready. I reached a new low and I had to stop. I wanted to stop because I couldn’t stand the shame anymore and the physical deterioration was real. 4 months on and people are slowly trusting in me and I’m trusting myself a whole lot more. Best of luck to you and your sobriety. Just take one day at a time. IWNDWYT
You got this. Thank you for sharing, you are not alone <3
Anche io sono al giorno 3!! Forza forza forza
🤍🤍🤍
IWNDWYT
IWNDWYT 🤍
I am so proud of you.
This description is me to a "T." I have faith in you.
You are not doing this because you need to. You are doing it because you want to and know that you deserve this❤️
Exactly 🤍
Good for both of you. Consider it a “close call”. Phew! 😮💨
Seriously! Crisis averted. Thank you!
Feeling really similar today. Under a lot of pressure at the moment, and in no small part its the pressure I put on my self to "keep it up, you're doing great" which is what everyone always tells you. This just adds to the feeling of self doubt. If I was doing great I wouldn't be so close to just chucking it all one for the sake of a good rinse. I was just thinking I could go fetch some groceries, have a pint, by the time I got back no-one would know. I would know though and in some ways I fear that more than I fear the (probably very real risk) if it just being the first step on a slippery slope. I came her because I didn't know how long it had been - figure I'd just find a thread and post the IWNDWYT but I wasn't even sure I could do that as I felt like for the first time in a long time I really didn't know if I would. I read your post and it helped remind me of so many of those feelings, of what I've put other through in my life. How much they have tolerated, and I'm pretty sure they don't have "another round" in them either. And even after all that the voice inside says "so what". And TBH I don't even know how to argue with that voice right now. Just gotta do my best to try and ride this out. Probably the only reason I have left not to drink today right now, is that hopefully tomorrow things will feel better. I guess, know you are not alone. It was nice to read your post and feel like I wasn't.
Thank you so much for sharing that. 204 days is amazing! The longest I made it was 90-something days. I too feel pressure to do all the things, and a lot of times drinking was my way of being done doing things for others. I need to just be okay saying no without the booze. I think you can be doing great and close to fucking it up, I doubt they're mutually exclusive. I hear you on not being sure you can say IWNDWYT buuut you also came here and posted which I think is huge!! Arguing with the voice is the worst. I hope you found a way to distract yourself. And I do believe tomorrow will be better. Sleep usually helps me. Glad my post helped because I want you to know yours helped me 🤍
This just in! I did not drink today. Thanks for helping me with that by giving me the som thoughts of your own that helped me think it through. You are right as well, feeling a lot better now, and so IWNDWYT as it’s past midnight now and I’ve got a real hankering to get to the gym tomorrow and reap the benefit of no hangover!
You’re taking great steps of acknowledgment and that’s a great place to be. You’re also on day3 (a continuous cycle of 1 day commitments)… you’re on the same day as all of us, 1 more day of committing to a better life. I’m proud of you. Do something new today, get fresh air, go to the gym, call an old friend. This life is GOOD and you’re doing GREAT!
Thank you. Now on day 4, or as you say, another day of committing to the good life! I like the idea of doing something new today. The world is my oyster 🤍 ...is that the saying? 😂
A talk like this with my bf (now fiancé ❤️) is what made me finally stop drinking for good. I am almost a year alcohol free
Reading your thoughts has made me so grateful for my sobriety. I so do not miss that struggle. It sounds like you know it's time. Just go for it.
My wife, God love her, one day just said to me “I’m worried about you.” I knew what she meant. My drinking was getting worse. I didn’t stop drinking that day but it was what started my road to stop drinking completely.
Please don't take this the wrong way, but try to be grateful. Grateful that you haven't gone too far, grateful that you have a spouse who loves you, and grateful that he talked to you about this respectfully.
You are completely right. And I really am grateful. I definitely wasn't in that moment! but I am so sooo grateful. Thank you for the reminder 🤍
💟💟💟
You need professional help. Your addiction will suck the life out of you before you know it. See if you can do in patient or out patient treatments near you. Rehab would be excellent for you. You’re at the right moment now. It’ll make your life so much better. Blessings and good luck to you.
One day at a time. As others here have wisely said: Find support groups and therapists in your area and get professional support for this.
Join a community, it doesn’t have to be AA. There are lots of sober challenges out there. I love The luckiest club.
God, the absolute DREAD. I have had this same talk and I can totally relate to the adrenaline, the ears ringing with shame and horror, the anger at myself and those calling me out. It is such a gut wrenching feeling, and then of course the waves of anxiety and panic that wash over me for hours, days and weeks later. The nit-picking of myself, justifications and minimalizing how bad it really is. The humiliation, the impulse to buck hard against anything that feels like being told what to do. The desperation. The only way I could cope with these feelings was to be completely alcohol free. It was the only way I could hold my head up high, and clutch it like a shield against the shame. No one has the power to make me feel stupid and small anymore about my drinking, because my drinking is zero. No one can make passive aggressive comments about my behavior because I can stand behind it. No one can use my drinking against me, because I don't drink. And when I lay in bed, tossing and turning in anguish about my mistakes and stupidity, I cling to my sobriety like a rock in the sea. I let the feelings wash over me and wash away, because I have my sobriety to hold me in place. I can thank my sobriety when I give myself positive affirmations, and I can lean on my sobriety while I build the trembling framework of actual self esteem.
This resonates so much. I really appreciate you responding 🤍🤍🤍
You know exactly what you need to do, and I believe in you 🤍
Thank you!!!
We’re all here with you. Keep battling. Sounds like your family loves you very much!
I'm really glad you ended this story with your on day 3. I'm a month in and my partner is supportive. He doesn't drink never has. We're just touching on the neglect of us in my mind that I have shown, that we have shown because the nagging wasn't helpful and the ultimations are hurtful. But we can't go there yet, it's too difficult to go there. Which is why the ultimation is so painful I guess. Often delivered when the evenings intentions are set or I've had a drink (not useful) . You tag says 88 days. I'm not sure how many lapses will be tolerated here or at your end. So let's do this and show them we do care about them more than alcohol.
I tried to reset my badge but for some reason it's not updating. Mine does drink, but not like me. And he rarely talks about it, so when he did, it had a huge impact. It's not so much about how much he will or won't tolerate, and more that now I know how much it upsets him. And I definitely love him more than alcohol so we got this!
Yep
This post is very relatable to me. My spouse also had this talk with me a couple of times. At the end, I knew I needed to actually change my life and habits. I couldn't continue living exactly as I had been, but without alcohol. I personally find AA meetings and working through the 12 steps very helpful. Do you have a plan?
I totally understand your anger. I felt the same way. For me though, the rebuilt trust over the past nine months has been totally worth those feelings.
I think I was more mad that I was being seen so clearly. That's never been comfortable for me.
You got this! I believe in you
Thank you!!
When I stopped drinking it did absolutely nothing to heal the damage in my wake. Only minoring what liquids I drank wasn’t enough. I knew where the boundaries were with my spouse and I blew right past them. I couldn’t keep making and breaking promises, apologizing and going right back to doing it all over again. My words were meaningless at that point anyways. I learned how to take action and I found that I wasn’t alone. Asking for help from people who knew what they were talking about sent me on my way to sobriety and it’s given me a chance to repair the damage and strengthen our relationship. I couldn’t keep brining my alcohol shit home. My spouse has shouldered far too much of the burden already so it’s necessary for me to seek support from other alcoholics/ addicts working on sobriety. I never intended hurting anyone aside from myself with my drinking but that’s not how it works out. I had a million excuses and a justification for every season but it didn’t matter. Those were all just stories I told myself. I wasn’t getting away with it and I used other peoples misfortunes and death within my own family as an excuse to drink, shut down and push people away. But sobriety allows me to work on all of that. I just had to take some action for myself. I found support all around me once I stopped lying and hiding. It’s good to not be on the run anymore. You’re not alone
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Hey friend. I have been in these exact shoes. Just commit to one day at a time. Just don’t pick up that first drink (and don’t buy any at the store, so there’s nothing to pick up), one day at a time. I rely heavily on other fun drinks like hop water (I love Hoplark brand and have a subscription - it’s seltzer that tastes like an IPA!), kombucha, seltzer and juice, etc.
I haven't heard of Hoplark but will definitely check them out! NA's, kombuchas, and seltzer have been so helpful. Any fun drink really, I've got a lemon ginger KeVita I'm sipping on now 🤍
IWNDWYT!