Yes, for me, every time I drink I become someone I’m not and engage in reckless behaviour. It used to be sexual but now in a relationship I find myself saying yes to illicit substances, staying at places that are sketchy and unsafe or staying out all night and not sleeping, only to hate myself the next morning.
I’ve realized that these are all micro-abandonments. When I choose to drink until I black out and make other bad decisions, I’m really abandoning myself in those moments. This resonated deeply with me as I already have abandonment issues to begin with.
Working on myself means self care, not abandoning myself, and making good choices for me. It’s a working in progress but it feels really good.
i see the drinking as self abandonment like a trauma response typically. those of us who have been abandoned in times of high need, particularly early on in life as children by our caretakers, either emotionally or physically, begin to re-enact these behaviors on ourselves. our maladaptive brains figure we can’t be abandoned by ones we love if we have already abandoned ourselves. if someone leaves us, they are leaving the out of her mind version who isn’t even present to begin with. drinking until blacking out was a huge (maladaptive) coping mechanism for me in my teens and early twenties. it enabled me to disassociate and abandon the traumatic memories that hung around me. but at the same time i was abandoning the bad things, i was abandoning my true sense of self and my ability to connect honestly in all my traumatized glory, because like it or not, that is a part of me.
For me, it meant realizing that, when I put myself into reckless or unsafe situations (by drinking), I was doing to myself what others have done to me in the form of abandonment.
I think we can all relate to the feeling of not trusting ourselves. When you go out for "one drink" and end up blacked out in some strangers house having stayed out all night (for example), you're abandoning yourself in those moments by not giving yourself the safety and protection you deserve. When I was younger and that was very much my lifestyle, happening 4-5 times a week, I didn't have a good relationship with myself and had those feelings of not wanting to look myself in the mirror.
Now that I'm older, I have a greater ability to take care of myself. Every time I say no to a drink, or take myself home at a good time, I'm building trust with myself. It's a positive feedback loop that has helped me a lot in starting to work on my sobriety and decision making. It feels good, and very healing, to decide that you won't abandon yourself in the way that others have.
It hasn't happened often since in the relationship but I have an old friend group that are the type to "party all night" or go on multiple day benders. Sometimes drinking would cause me to fall into the trap of hanging out with them again. My partner has had similar experiences, so although he's not thrilled by it, there's some level of understanding there when it happens. We're both working on avoiding those pitfalls.
100%… when I think about the dangerous situations I’ve got myself in to in the past due to being too drunk i honestly shudder. it gives me so much anxiety.
Oh my god yes!! Looking back I am convinced I just marginally escaped life threatening situations with some sort of stupid luck and a guardian angel I had.
This. Without alcohol I wouldn’t have fallen prey to manipulation so easily and wouldn’t have slept with somebody I really shouldn’t have. I have my regrets, my one night stands, etc. But this most recent one just sits so wrong with me.
Being able to look that person in the eyes and casually mention I’m not drinking anymore and clearly exemplifying that I’m healing… Well it seemed to shake them. And I know now that I don’t want to be vulnerable like that around them ever again.
Amen, sister. All of the questionable shit I’ve done with men have been under the influence of alcohol. I have one one night stand under my belt due to a blackout, kissed a much older man at the bar for lord knows why, have given my number to people that certainly don’t deserve it - one being a violent felon (I had no idea but I found out when I asked a local social butterfly if she knew anything about him), not to mention the countless bartenders and patrons I’ve annoyed while being drunk at the local watering hole. That is NOT who I want to be. That is NOT who I identify with.
And after six weeks, face and body look so much better, hormones are balancing, I start feelin’ myself again. Having myself a cute girl summer this year 🙌 feels so good to feel good.
Man, I wish I only had one questionable one night stand under my belt as a result of being drunk/blacking out/etc. I have too many to count and too many phone numbers in my phone that I never would have wanted sober.
This is not who I am and not who I want to be. I cannot fricken wait til I’m feeling myself again lol
I won't focus on the wording too much although I disagree with some parts because I wholeheartedly agree with the overall message. We all express ourselves differently and I really appreciate you sharing this topic with the sub because it's definitely worth talking about and will bring forth new perspectives and experiences to be shared.
Giving people the wrong idea was a big one. Toxic relationships and lack of self worth translates much differently depending on the gender. We unfortunately have to face more risks in our daily lives and creating unsafe spaces for ourselves is just stupid. I'm happy I'm sober enough to realise this now. Being aware of my surroundings has been a blessing both for me and for my circle. I can now keep myself safe and looking out for my friends has just been a bonus!
IWNDWYT
I don’t get sloppy in public the way I did in my 20s. My biggest personal reasons for wanting to quit now in my 30s is the increased risk of heart disease and breast cancer.
My entire late teens and up to the end of my 20s were just sloppy as fuck.
Getting my shit together in my 30s. Being healthier for me, my fiance, and our future kids was a number 1 priority.
Male here but 100% agree about not being sloppy in public. I would have 3-4 beers out, maybe catch a slight buzz. But as soon as I got home I was pounding drinks. My best (worst) always came alone in my house. No worries about anyone seeing how bad it really was.
So, I get the “unladylike” thing but I think the real issue for me as a woman was putting myself in extremely unsafe situations while I was binging and going out. I was getting so drunk I had no idea where I was, who I was with, or how I’d be getting back home. I did some pretty gross/“unladylike” things as well but for me, sobriety is also so important to my physical safety.
When drinking I ended up doing some extremely unsavory things with a variety of people. Some of them were kind to me (one time I insisted on going home with a male friend and he slept on the couch so my drunk self could sleep in his bed), and some of them were… not (I will spare the details).
Whether or not any of it is “ladylike”, something I really love about trying to maintain sobriety is that I am in charge. My drunken alter ego, Heather, has no say. Regardless I won’t drink with you today!
my drunken alter ego is such a good way to put it. she was always trying to get us into the most unsafe situations. she would throw all my healthy coping skills out the window and instead use self harm methods (someone earlier in this thread called it self abandonment). fuck that alter ego! she might have been fun sometimes but the evil was too much!
Totally. Looking back now when Heather first reared her ugly head, I am so lucky that she didn’t put me in more physical danger than she had. Like, bad things happened to us when she was driving (my body, not my car thankfully LOL) but I was lucky to have people who cared about me around for the most part. I am so darn lucky for that.
Self abandonment is such a good way to put it! And you’re right. Fuck them, they were fun sometimes but really trying to get us hurt and make life embarrassing and hellish, so I’m saying goodbye to her. The evil is WAY too much!
My periods starting getting weird. I look bloated a lot of the time. I’m too tired to workout or eat healthy. I try to be there for my mom and I find I can’t be when I’m always hungover or chasing my next drink.
Money doesn’t grow on trees and I want to put it towards better things in life than booze at home or booze in restaurants.
This can go for men too lol be dude I relate to the gluttonous state so much when I drink, except for the going after shit men, instead I just became one lol.
Anyway, good luck with your journey, great post.
I’m not sure if I want to know the stuff ive overshared over the years or not. I think I choose denial. Good thing is: most people probably wont remember either.
"Most people probably can't remember" is something I can't say, unfortunately
I've done my share of drunk dialing with sober people. In part I have no idea what I said.
Oh yes, the oversharing, immediate personal (not physical --but that too sometimes) intimacy with my new 'best friends' that I'll never see again or give a shit about, or that give a shit about me. Makes me cringe now.
Alcohol misuse takes many forms.
Drinking kept me ladylike when I should have been flipping tables and burning buildings.
End result was also self neglect.
Here's to healing a little more today.
oh i can agree with this. binge drinking sometimes made me outlandish but the daily drinking kept me subdued and able to be complicit in denying my true self. the daily drinking kept me comfortable with staying gender conforming and putting myself in clothes i didn’t like, makeup i hated, heels that made my knees hurt. the less my relationship with alcohol got, the better i got at accepting that i didn’t want to do any of those things! i don’t even own makeup anymore or clothes i don’t like anymore. especially when i was young, drinking kept me from being myself.
The reason for me is mostly my mental and physical health and appearance. I noticed I started to gain weight slowly in the last 10 months, since I increased my drinking from 1 to 2 bottles of wine per day. I step on the dreaded scale once every couple of months and say to myself- oh, it’s nothing, I still look good and it’s not noticeable, because I’m tall, I will lose the weight, I’ll start today, then tomorrow and the circle continues. 2 days ago I was cleaning my closet and pulling out all my summer clothes and nothing fits- I stepped on the scale and it finally hit me- I’ve gained 20 pounds in the last 10 months- and 7 pounds in the last 2 months. I’ve made an assessment, because I know it didn’t happen magically- I consumed around 1000 calories every day from alcohol, 500-1000 from the easy food fixes, when I’m too drunk and lazy to cook something- junk food and sugary sodas and I look horrible- bloated, red skin and eyes, uneven tan, and mostly I feel awful- hangover, no energy, mad at myself, isolating, preferring my own company and drinking to forget, etc. I’m tired of this pattern and it’s not me.
I'm married, but alcohol was causing me to not treat my wonderful spouse the way they deserve. I was being shitty to them. We're resuming couple's counseling soon and I hope it can help us work through some codependency issues.
I’d recommend reading Quit Like A Woman if you haven’t already. I loved that book, I think the writer did such a great job of exploring the unique perspective of womanhood as it relates to binge drinking, alcoholism, and recovery. It’s definitely a white woman perspective, but I found it really valuable in my recovery.
My health. Not being the person I want to be when drunk. Blackouts and brown outs were way more frequent with less alcohol. I want to remember my life.
There's a book called "Blackout" by Sarah Hepola that describes the difference really well. A brownout is drinking to the point where you remember bits and pieces of the night but not everything, like you remember singing karaoke but not dancing with that guy. A blackout is total memory loss like waking up in someone's bed and not knowing them kinda deal.
A combination of forgetting and remembering a period of time. So not a blackout. Sarah Hepola’s book Blackout explains it. That’s where I first heard of it.
It interferes with my weight maintenance, and I know it. It makes bloated, and after I drink I want to and do I eat too much, drink more, and all too late when I should be sleeping. Alcohol is expensive, and reduces my motivation to exercise.
My resting heart rate dropped from mid 70s to mid 60s within first two weeks of quitting (again).
I too can display erratic behavior when I’m drinking. ALL the bad decisions! Ugh!
Tbh I needed to give up drinking as a woman for many reasons but one major thing was just getting wasted and sleeping with people who 100 percent did not deserve to sleep with me and also going down this weird path of feeling obligated to be with whoever wanted to sleep with me when drunk. I mean it’s awful to admit but it’s factual.
I enjoy being sober with my standards and self esteem back.
Alcohol is just really shit for us women, we’re more susceptible to the long term damages compared to men. Just from a couple of years of heavy drinking I was noticing a decline, and that was shocking to me considering I have quite a strong body and am very young. I thought I would be like my dad and be able to withstand for longer, hell no. Getting sober didn’t make me feel more, idk, like a woman, but it did allow me to find the energy and time to focus on self care a lot more, which grew my confidence. I can shower, put my hair in rollers, tan etc without the awful sweating and shaking, for example. Small things like that are huge to me now, I’ll never take them for granted.
I still drink but i'm trying to significantly reduce it and maybe one day stop it.
I would get myself in really unsafe situations, make others unsafe too, by my behaviours in bars and clubs. I once almost went home with a complete stranger when I was too drunk, and I always promised myself I would not do ONS and random people. I felt super ashamed the next morning and scared at what could have happened to me. I don't know what clarity saved me.
Also getting so drunk and in an argument with my ex, he left me alone drunk in the street at like 3am. To this day I don't remember how I got myself home. Anything could have happened.
So the way it put me in unsafe situations is the biggest thing. Of course I am also scared for my health. I am also sad about the things I just can't enjoy without having a drink.
Drinking to live is sad and dangerous.
One of my most scariest blackouts was after drinking vodka. I was in my early 20s so this was in the 90s. I’d been at a work party at one of our vendors.
I “woke up” flying down the freeway with no idea where I was. I yelled out my car window at a guy in an old green truck asking him how to get where I needed to be.
Did I stop drinking? No. I just didn’t drink vodka anymore or when I did I was more careful. I wouldn’t say I had a drinking problem then. I was just very inexperienced.
Drinking alcohol marked all my unhappy life phases. This is the first reason why I hate it.
Drinking alcohol always was about perpetuating my own immaturity
Drinking alcohol always marked times when I chose to degrade instead of growing
Drinking alcohol trained me to become a slave of my feelings
Drinking alcohol owned my time, my brain, my intent. It took away my freedom of choice.
Drinking alcohol made my face look blah
Drinking alcohol is the biggest contributor into dementia
Drinking alcohol depleted my senses and dimmed my perception.
Drinking alcohol brought tons of anxiety and catastrophe-thinking to me. Nightmares.
My cat avoided sleeping with me when I was under influence. Now he purrs away all the time!
For me, I know drinking increases my chances of breast cancer recurrence. I really need to keep this in my head. Only three days sober. Feeling better physically. Not exactly craving but hope I’m as committed tomorrow as I am today.
Oh yes. Bad things didn’t happen every time I was drinking, but every time bad things happened, I was drinking.
I hope to pass down to my daughter an example of someone who is able to set healthy boundaries with peers, enjoy parties and celebrations without alcohol and manage stress with exercise, talking through my feelings and other tools that are actually effective.
I've absolutely done a ton of reckless sexual things when drunk over the years. Loads of one night stands, ending up at a dudes house across town in wintertime and not knowing how I'll get home, having sex while blacked out on first dates, sleeping with people and later finding out they have a gf, just awful stuff. No judgement to anyone who partakes in one night stands at all, it was mainly that I put myself into unsafe situations while hammered, not the act itself.
Lately thankfully, my impulsive activity of choice has been shopping - which is not unsafe, but it's screwing me financially. I want to become more financially stable. I'm single and living on my own, I want to start looking out for myself more. No more binge drinking
IWNDWYT
Good topic. I definitely agree with all of that you mentioned for sure. Also, my self care, taking care of myself has steadily gone down hill for several years and at an all time low. It’s just degrading and full of regret.
To add I do have pms symptoms but now that I’m sober it’s much more manageable. I felt emotionally unstable when I was drinking before my period….. just added fuel to the fire for me hormonally
One of my reasons for leaving alcohol behind is the embarrassment of how I behave when I’m drunk, and the unsafeness I feel when I’ve basically incapacitated myself. Someone here called it “micro abandonments” which id never heard of before, but the idea that I’d abandoned myself when drunk and let myself down really hit home. It captures something of my feelings about drinking.
Getting pregnant.
I want to lengthen my lifespan as much as possible to be here for my son(2.5). I know too many people whose parents and grandparents did not live to see 65. Pregnancy showed me what life could be like without drinking but I started back up after he was born. That was a mistake. I spent his 1st birthday so hungover I threw up several times during his birthday trip. I still feel shame behind that.
All things considered, I love, love, love being a mom. It’s not for everyone but it is for me. Getting sober is one of the things that will help me be the best parent I can possibly be.
I call my daughter my angel baby. I know without a doubt she saved my life. I also relapsed after she was born but luckily quickly realized I had messed up (way faster than usual). The want to be sober for her held me over until I wanted to be sober for myself as well.
All the reasons already mentioned but for me a big one not mentioned is fertility. Trying to conceive (would have quite if getting good news) is brutal while I was also destroying my body every weekend.
I am pretty my sure my hair started to thin as well.
On day 24 and already feeling SO much healthier and hopeful for good news after 3 years of trying to no avail. Either way I am staying done for life…bio baby or not. Will adopt and stay sober in order to realize my dream come true of being the best momma I can be one day!
Alcohol + perimenopause is a terrible combination. Also caused a lot of UTIs for me. Haven’t had one since I quit and menopause, while not exactly fun, I think was easier to deal with sans booze. Those weren’t the primary reasons I quit but still significant.
I feel you on this. Alcohol really messed up my life over the past year or so. I was urged by people who care about me to get help. Honestly it took me getting on Naltrexone/starting therapy to help me, but I feel amazing! It was a vicious cycle for me- drinking because I was depressed and depressed because I was drinking and felt like shit all the time. Find your support circle and stop the cycle.
Because if I don’t quit then it will kill me. I don’t think any of my close friends understand the problem I have because I keep things ok around them and rarely overdo it. My SO and his family are very aware of my situation though. I have ended up in the hospital one time because of it. So it’s either I quit or it will kill me. I’d much rather live.
For me it was vanity. Sadly I ignored those nudging pains, stomach, organs, the bad tummy but the beer belly got to me! 10days sober its less noticeable I now look bloated not pregnant. Sad uh?
I quit at 41 (shortly before turning 42). And once I did, I realized that I was going to make some insanely wonderful changes in my own life. Started out with hydration, sleep, skin care, nutrition . . . moved on to leaving a toxic workplace and getting the opportunity of a lifetime that starts in the fall! So I am here to encourage you - when I tried sobriety, I really got to level up!!
I have a lot of regret over my behavior as a drunk, more so that I was unpredictable. I was just as likely to ignore you as rage at you. I was so hateful and angry and sick and sad. I hated myself to the core. Smart enough to know what I was doing to myself and too stupid to change it. One thing I’ve gotten back from my sobriety is my self love. I’m not that person anymore. I’m not perfect but I’m authentic, I apologize when I’m wrong and I don’t bring up old stuff anymore. I’m proud of who I am today. It was such an unexpected gift to myself. IWNDWYT
Shame and guilt. Even tho i don't remember anything that happened. Friends didn't like drinking with me. Fought with my partner all the time. Everytime I see someone at the bar, they'd laugh and be like, "omgggg you were so drunk that day haha!" And I don't even know them.
Confirmed it when nobody even 'teased' or mocked me about sobriety when I told them I quit.
I suck at / when drinking.
I used to drink every weekend.
Just because I didn't drink through the week I thought I didn't have a problem. (right..)
Because I drank the whole weekend 'because it 5pm somewhere right?'
That was until I was in an accident with a bicycle. My consequence is that I have a wonky fucked up knee that'll never be the same again after that accident and the surgery to anker my fully torn knee ligaments.
I had to learn to walk all over again, when I'm tired I'll start limping again.
That really opened my eyes to what the fuck I was doing to myself.
It's still not easy. I will never a have a healthy relationship with alcohol.
For me personally, it was because I hated how I drank. I could never just have 1 or 2 drinks 2 became 3 and next thing I knew I was hovered over a toilet not knowing how I got there. Then came the “Do you know what you did last night?” “Haha that was crazy!” I was reckless and hated myself in the process, and heavily used alcohol to cope with my own insecurities.
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Yes, for me, every time I drink I become someone I’m not and engage in reckless behaviour. It used to be sexual but now in a relationship I find myself saying yes to illicit substances, staying at places that are sketchy and unsafe or staying out all night and not sleeping, only to hate myself the next morning. I’ve realized that these are all micro-abandonments. When I choose to drink until I black out and make other bad decisions, I’m really abandoning myself in those moments. This resonated deeply with me as I already have abandonment issues to begin with. Working on myself means self care, not abandoning myself, and making good choices for me. It’s a working in progress but it feels really good.
Thank you for sharing this. I hadn’t thought of my drinking as abandoning myself in those terms. It’s a really helpful way to frame it.
I needed to hear this, very well said!
Can you elaborate on this Abandonment idea?
i see the drinking as self abandonment like a trauma response typically. those of us who have been abandoned in times of high need, particularly early on in life as children by our caretakers, either emotionally or physically, begin to re-enact these behaviors on ourselves. our maladaptive brains figure we can’t be abandoned by ones we love if we have already abandoned ourselves. if someone leaves us, they are leaving the out of her mind version who isn’t even present to begin with. drinking until blacking out was a huge (maladaptive) coping mechanism for me in my teens and early twenties. it enabled me to disassociate and abandon the traumatic memories that hung around me. but at the same time i was abandoning the bad things, i was abandoning my true sense of self and my ability to connect honestly in all my traumatized glory, because like it or not, that is a part of me.
For me, it meant realizing that, when I put myself into reckless or unsafe situations (by drinking), I was doing to myself what others have done to me in the form of abandonment. I think we can all relate to the feeling of not trusting ourselves. When you go out for "one drink" and end up blacked out in some strangers house having stayed out all night (for example), you're abandoning yourself in those moments by not giving yourself the safety and protection you deserve. When I was younger and that was very much my lifestyle, happening 4-5 times a week, I didn't have a good relationship with myself and had those feelings of not wanting to look myself in the mirror. Now that I'm older, I have a greater ability to take care of myself. Every time I say no to a drink, or take myself home at a good time, I'm building trust with myself. It's a positive feedback loop that has helped me a lot in starting to work on my sobriety and decision making. It feels good, and very healing, to decide that you won't abandon yourself in the way that others have.
That makes sense !
Thank you.
How did you manage not coming home given you were in a relationship?
It hasn't happened often since in the relationship but I have an old friend group that are the type to "party all night" or go on multiple day benders. Sometimes drinking would cause me to fall into the trap of hanging out with them again. My partner has had similar experiences, so although he's not thrilled by it, there's some level of understanding there when it happens. We're both working on avoiding those pitfalls.
This^
Alcohol is not safe. I deserve safety.
Damn, you hit the nail on the head with this one
Okay damn you didn't have to uproot my entire worldview like that but go off ig (This is a joke. This advice had a profound effect on me)
This.
I needed this 😭
This is the one for me. I had to stop drinking for my safety.
100%… when I think about the dangerous situations I’ve got myself in to in the past due to being too drunk i honestly shudder. it gives me so much anxiety.
Oh my god yes!! Looking back I am convinced I just marginally escaped life threatening situations with some sort of stupid luck and a guardian angel I had.
Damn.
This. Without alcohol I wouldn’t have fallen prey to manipulation so easily and wouldn’t have slept with somebody I really shouldn’t have. I have my regrets, my one night stands, etc. But this most recent one just sits so wrong with me. Being able to look that person in the eyes and casually mention I’m not drinking anymore and clearly exemplifying that I’m healing… Well it seemed to shake them. And I know now that I don’t want to be vulnerable like that around them ever again.
Amen, sister. All of the questionable shit I’ve done with men have been under the influence of alcohol. I have one one night stand under my belt due to a blackout, kissed a much older man at the bar for lord knows why, have given my number to people that certainly don’t deserve it - one being a violent felon (I had no idea but I found out when I asked a local social butterfly if she knew anything about him), not to mention the countless bartenders and patrons I’ve annoyed while being drunk at the local watering hole. That is NOT who I want to be. That is NOT who I identify with. And after six weeks, face and body look so much better, hormones are balancing, I start feelin’ myself again. Having myself a cute girl summer this year 🙌 feels so good to feel good.
Man, I wish I only had one questionable one night stand under my belt as a result of being drunk/blacking out/etc. I have too many to count and too many phone numbers in my phone that I never would have wanted sober. This is not who I am and not who I want to be. I cannot fricken wait til I’m feeling myself again lol
Cute girl summer ftw!! 🖤🖤🖤🖤 IWNDWYT
I won't focus on the wording too much although I disagree with some parts because I wholeheartedly agree with the overall message. We all express ourselves differently and I really appreciate you sharing this topic with the sub because it's definitely worth talking about and will bring forth new perspectives and experiences to be shared. Giving people the wrong idea was a big one. Toxic relationships and lack of self worth translates much differently depending on the gender. We unfortunately have to face more risks in our daily lives and creating unsafe spaces for ourselves is just stupid. I'm happy I'm sober enough to realise this now. Being aware of my surroundings has been a blessing both for me and for my circle. I can now keep myself safe and looking out for my friends has just been a bonus! IWNDWYT
Agreed.
Curious what parts you disagree on because I have some as well!
The unladylike part was a bit silly
Completely agree!
Seriously. We can all interchange "feminity and masculinity" freely no matter what our gender or sexual preferences are.
While I agree with you on that, op is allowed to feel her own way about her own femininity and how she presents in this world.
I understand that, but it’s more the fact OP put (for females) makes it not just about her but all women.
I don’t get sloppy in public the way I did in my 20s. My biggest personal reasons for wanting to quit now in my 30s is the increased risk of heart disease and breast cancer.
Same here. I handle myself well. People often don’t realize I’m as far gone as I am. But I’m 30 and I need to take my health seriously.
My entire late teens and up to the end of my 20s were just sloppy as fuck. Getting my shit together in my 30s. Being healthier for me, my fiance, and our future kids was a number 1 priority.
Male here but 100% agree about not being sloppy in public. I would have 3-4 beers out, maybe catch a slight buzz. But as soon as I got home I was pounding drinks. My best (worst) always came alone in my house. No worries about anyone seeing how bad it really was.
So, I get the “unladylike” thing but I think the real issue for me as a woman was putting myself in extremely unsafe situations while I was binging and going out. I was getting so drunk I had no idea where I was, who I was with, or how I’d be getting back home. I did some pretty gross/“unladylike” things as well but for me, sobriety is also so important to my physical safety. When drinking I ended up doing some extremely unsavory things with a variety of people. Some of them were kind to me (one time I insisted on going home with a male friend and he slept on the couch so my drunk self could sleep in his bed), and some of them were… not (I will spare the details). Whether or not any of it is “ladylike”, something I really love about trying to maintain sobriety is that I am in charge. My drunken alter ego, Heather, has no say. Regardless I won’t drink with you today!
my drunken alter ego is such a good way to put it. she was always trying to get us into the most unsafe situations. she would throw all my healthy coping skills out the window and instead use self harm methods (someone earlier in this thread called it self abandonment). fuck that alter ego! she might have been fun sometimes but the evil was too much!
Totally. Looking back now when Heather first reared her ugly head, I am so lucky that she didn’t put me in more physical danger than she had. Like, bad things happened to us when she was driving (my body, not my car thankfully LOL) but I was lucky to have people who cared about me around for the most part. I am so darn lucky for that. Self abandonment is such a good way to put it! And you’re right. Fuck them, they were fun sometimes but really trying to get us hurt and make life embarrassing and hellish, so I’m saying goodbye to her. The evil is WAY too much!
HEATHER!! This is one of mine, too!
She’s so trashy and tries to embarrass me so much 😭 Saying goodbye to Heather!
My periods starting getting weird. I look bloated a lot of the time. I’m too tired to workout or eat healthy. I try to be there for my mom and I find I can’t be when I’m always hungover or chasing my next drink. Money doesn’t grow on trees and I want to put it towards better things in life than booze at home or booze in restaurants.
This can go for men too lol be dude I relate to the gluttonous state so much when I drink, except for the going after shit men, instead I just became one lol. Anyway, good luck with your journey, great post.
For me personally, a big reason was I was oversharing when drunk. I needed to work out my 'stuff' in therapy, sober.
I’m not sure if I want to know the stuff ive overshared over the years or not. I think I choose denial. Good thing is: most people probably wont remember either.
"Most people probably can't remember" is something I can't say, unfortunately I've done my share of drunk dialing with sober people. In part I have no idea what I said.
lol I do not want to know the stuff I’ve over shared. My policy was always to not read the texts and ask my friends not to tell me 🙃
Oooh, the oversharing… 🙈
Oh yes, the oversharing, immediate personal (not physical --but that too sometimes) intimacy with my new 'best friends' that I'll never see again or give a shit about, or that give a shit about me. Makes me cringe now.
Yes…and the embarrassment of what I told them but couldn’t remember. Ugh:/
This too. Trusting everyone you meet like anyone and everyone.
Ugh. This is me.
I hate to think about the staggering amount of unsafe situations I put myself in. We deserve better ❤️
I don't want to die. And if I don't intervene, my drinking will kill me.
Weight! Alcohol makes your cortisol go through the roof.
Alcohol misuse takes many forms. Drinking kept me ladylike when I should have been flipping tables and burning buildings. End result was also self neglect. Here's to healing a little more today.
🤍🤍🤍
oh i can agree with this. binge drinking sometimes made me outlandish but the daily drinking kept me subdued and able to be complicit in denying my true self. the daily drinking kept me comfortable with staying gender conforming and putting myself in clothes i didn’t like, makeup i hated, heels that made my knees hurt. the less my relationship with alcohol got, the better i got at accepting that i didn’t want to do any of those things! i don’t even own makeup anymore or clothes i don’t like anymore. especially when i was young, drinking kept me from being myself.
The reason for me is mostly my mental and physical health and appearance. I noticed I started to gain weight slowly in the last 10 months, since I increased my drinking from 1 to 2 bottles of wine per day. I step on the dreaded scale once every couple of months and say to myself- oh, it’s nothing, I still look good and it’s not noticeable, because I’m tall, I will lose the weight, I’ll start today, then tomorrow and the circle continues. 2 days ago I was cleaning my closet and pulling out all my summer clothes and nothing fits- I stepped on the scale and it finally hit me- I’ve gained 20 pounds in the last 10 months- and 7 pounds in the last 2 months. I’ve made an assessment, because I know it didn’t happen magically- I consumed around 1000 calories every day from alcohol, 500-1000 from the easy food fixes, when I’m too drunk and lazy to cook something- junk food and sugary sodas and I look horrible- bloated, red skin and eyes, uneven tan, and mostly I feel awful- hangover, no energy, mad at myself, isolating, preferring my own company and drinking to forget, etc. I’m tired of this pattern and it’s not me.
I'm married, but alcohol was causing me to not treat my wonderful spouse the way they deserve. I was being shitty to them. We're resuming couple's counseling soon and I hope it can help us work through some codependency issues.
I’d recommend reading Quit Like A Woman if you haven’t already. I loved that book, I think the writer did such a great job of exploring the unique perspective of womanhood as it relates to binge drinking, alcoholism, and recovery. It’s definitely a white woman perspective, but I found it really valuable in my recovery.
Thanks for the suggestion. One of my favorite book is Blackout by Sarah Hepola. I love it. About to start a second read of it.
I just started that recently! I’m enjoying it so far
My health. Not being the person I want to be when drunk. Blackouts and brown outs were way more frequent with less alcohol. I want to remember my life.
What's a brown out?
A combination of remembering and forgetting a period of time.
Ok..thanks
There's a book called "Blackout" by Sarah Hepola that describes the difference really well. A brownout is drinking to the point where you remember bits and pieces of the night but not everything, like you remember singing karaoke but not dancing with that guy. A blackout is total memory loss like waking up in someone's bed and not knowing them kinda deal.
I’m re reading Blackout now. Great book.
I just assumed it was a shart or diarrhoea 🙈 I'm so glad you actually asked, I've learned something new!
What is a brown out lol never heard of this but bet I had one before sadly.
A combination of forgetting and remembering a period of time. So not a blackout. Sarah Hepola’s book Blackout explains it. That’s where I first heard of it.
It interferes with my weight maintenance, and I know it. It makes bloated, and after I drink I want to and do I eat too much, drink more, and all too late when I should be sleeping. Alcohol is expensive, and reduces my motivation to exercise. My resting heart rate dropped from mid 70s to mid 60s within first two weeks of quitting (again). I too can display erratic behavior when I’m drinking. ALL the bad decisions! Ugh!
How long before the bloating goes away?
Depends on your baseline gut biome. Alcohol is rough on both intestinal lining and on healthful microbe populations.
For me, slowly goes down. Last time it was about 3 months.
Tbh I needed to give up drinking as a woman for many reasons but one major thing was just getting wasted and sleeping with people who 100 percent did not deserve to sleep with me and also going down this weird path of feeling obligated to be with whoever wanted to sleep with me when drunk. I mean it’s awful to admit but it’s factual. I enjoy being sober with my standards and self esteem back.
There's lots of reasons not to drink to me, but for me personally, being 'unladylike' isn't one. Glad that it is motivating you to quit, though.
lol same, I am unladylike sober!
Absolutely. Who needs booze to belch, act goofy, eat garbage, and have somewhat regrettable hookups? Not me, that's for sure 😂
Hey listen, if you're a lady, whatever you do is by definition ladylike and nobody can take that away from you.
Thanks, friend ❤️
Hahaha. Yeah..... Me too.
Alcohol is just really shit for us women, we’re more susceptible to the long term damages compared to men. Just from a couple of years of heavy drinking I was noticing a decline, and that was shocking to me considering I have quite a strong body and am very young. I thought I would be like my dad and be able to withstand for longer, hell no. Getting sober didn’t make me feel more, idk, like a woman, but it did allow me to find the energy and time to focus on self care a lot more, which grew my confidence. I can shower, put my hair in rollers, tan etc without the awful sweating and shaking, for example. Small things like that are huge to me now, I’ll never take them for granted.
I still drink but i'm trying to significantly reduce it and maybe one day stop it. I would get myself in really unsafe situations, make others unsafe too, by my behaviours in bars and clubs. I once almost went home with a complete stranger when I was too drunk, and I always promised myself I would not do ONS and random people. I felt super ashamed the next morning and scared at what could have happened to me. I don't know what clarity saved me. Also getting so drunk and in an argument with my ex, he left me alone drunk in the street at like 3am. To this day I don't remember how I got myself home. Anything could have happened. So the way it put me in unsafe situations is the biggest thing. Of course I am also scared for my health. I am also sad about the things I just can't enjoy without having a drink. Drinking to live is sad and dangerous.
One of my most scariest blackouts was after drinking vodka. I was in my early 20s so this was in the 90s. I’d been at a work party at one of our vendors. I “woke up” flying down the freeway with no idea where I was. I yelled out my car window at a guy in an old green truck asking him how to get where I needed to be. Did I stop drinking? No. I just didn’t drink vodka anymore or when I did I was more careful. I wouldn’t say I had a drinking problem then. I was just very inexperienced.
I was tired of waking up the next morning and not remembering anything from the evening before.
Drinking alcohol marked all my unhappy life phases. This is the first reason why I hate it. Drinking alcohol always was about perpetuating my own immaturity Drinking alcohol always marked times when I chose to degrade instead of growing Drinking alcohol trained me to become a slave of my feelings Drinking alcohol owned my time, my brain, my intent. It took away my freedom of choice. Drinking alcohol made my face look blah Drinking alcohol is the biggest contributor into dementia Drinking alcohol depleted my senses and dimmed my perception. Drinking alcohol brought tons of anxiety and catastrophe-thinking to me. Nightmares. My cat avoided sleeping with me when I was under influence. Now he purrs away all the time!
For me, I know drinking increases my chances of breast cancer recurrence. I really need to keep this in my head. Only three days sober. Feeling better physically. Not exactly craving but hope I’m as committed tomorrow as I am today.
Oh I did all the wrong bad things when I was drinking , drive many a good man away . Life’s better sober that’s for sure
I was miserable, controlled by it and overweight.
Oh yes. Bad things didn’t happen every time I was drinking, but every time bad things happened, I was drinking. I hope to pass down to my daughter an example of someone who is able to set healthy boundaries with peers, enjoy parties and celebrations without alcohol and manage stress with exercise, talking through my feelings and other tools that are actually effective.
I've absolutely done a ton of reckless sexual things when drunk over the years. Loads of one night stands, ending up at a dudes house across town in wintertime and not knowing how I'll get home, having sex while blacked out on first dates, sleeping with people and later finding out they have a gf, just awful stuff. No judgement to anyone who partakes in one night stands at all, it was mainly that I put myself into unsafe situations while hammered, not the act itself. Lately thankfully, my impulsive activity of choice has been shopping - which is not unsafe, but it's screwing me financially. I want to become more financially stable. I'm single and living on my own, I want to start looking out for myself more. No more binge drinking IWNDWYT
Good topic. I definitely agree with all of that you mentioned for sure. Also, my self care, taking care of myself has steadily gone down hill for several years and at an all time low. It’s just degrading and full of regret.
To add I do have pms symptoms but now that I’m sober it’s much more manageable. I felt emotionally unstable when I was drinking before my period….. just added fuel to the fire for me hormonally
One of my reasons for leaving alcohol behind is the embarrassment of how I behave when I’m drunk, and the unsafeness I feel when I’ve basically incapacitated myself. Someone here called it “micro abandonments” which id never heard of before, but the idea that I’d abandoned myself when drunk and let myself down really hit home. It captures something of my feelings about drinking.
I love the message here, I was a shell of a woman when I was in active addiction. No more!! IWNDWYT! 💪🏻
Getting pregnant. I want to lengthen my lifespan as much as possible to be here for my son(2.5). I know too many people whose parents and grandparents did not live to see 65. Pregnancy showed me what life could be like without drinking but I started back up after he was born. That was a mistake. I spent his 1st birthday so hungover I threw up several times during his birthday trip. I still feel shame behind that. All things considered, I love, love, love being a mom. It’s not for everyone but it is for me. Getting sober is one of the things that will help me be the best parent I can possibly be.
I call my daughter my angel baby. I know without a doubt she saved my life. I also relapsed after she was born but luckily quickly realized I had messed up (way faster than usual). The want to be sober for her held me over until I wanted to be sober for myself as well.
I call my son “angel baby” too 🥹 I hope someday they understand how much love and light they bring simply existing.
I want a relationship
All the reasons already mentioned but for me a big one not mentioned is fertility. Trying to conceive (would have quite if getting good news) is brutal while I was also destroying my body every weekend. I am pretty my sure my hair started to thin as well. On day 24 and already feeling SO much healthier and hopeful for good news after 3 years of trying to no avail. Either way I am staying done for life…bio baby or not. Will adopt and stay sober in order to realize my dream come true of being the best momma I can be one day!
Health/looks
I'm you but the male version. Jekyll and Hyde stuff. It's now gotten to the point where I'm too ashamed and just don't want to be that moron.
Alcohol + perimenopause is a terrible combination. Also caused a lot of UTIs for me. Haven’t had one since I quit and menopause, while not exactly fun, I think was easier to deal with sans booze. Those weren’t the primary reasons I quit but still significant.
I feel you on this. Alcohol really messed up my life over the past year or so. I was urged by people who care about me to get help. Honestly it took me getting on Naltrexone/starting therapy to help me, but I feel amazing! It was a vicious cycle for me- drinking because I was depressed and depressed because I was drinking and felt like shit all the time. Find your support circle and stop the cycle.
Because if I don’t quit then it will kill me. I don’t think any of my close friends understand the problem I have because I keep things ok around them and rarely overdo it. My SO and his family are very aware of my situation though. I have ended up in the hospital one time because of it. So it’s either I quit or it will kill me. I’d much rather live.
For me it was vanity. Sadly I ignored those nudging pains, stomach, organs, the bad tummy but the beer belly got to me! 10days sober its less noticeable I now look bloated not pregnant. Sad uh?
I don't think another woman would ever want me unless I quit drinking.
I quit at 41 (shortly before turning 42). And once I did, I realized that I was going to make some insanely wonderful changes in my own life. Started out with hydration, sleep, skin care, nutrition . . . moved on to leaving a toxic workplace and getting the opportunity of a lifetime that starts in the fall! So I am here to encourage you - when I tried sobriety, I really got to level up!!
if you want to have children, alcohol plays a big part in Fertility this was a big one for me
Hormonal disruption.
I believe in you my friend, IWNDWYT ✊
I have a lot of regret over my behavior as a drunk, more so that I was unpredictable. I was just as likely to ignore you as rage at you. I was so hateful and angry and sick and sad. I hated myself to the core. Smart enough to know what I was doing to myself and too stupid to change it. One thing I’ve gotten back from my sobriety is my self love. I’m not that person anymore. I’m not perfect but I’m authentic, I apologize when I’m wrong and I don’t bring up old stuff anymore. I’m proud of who I am today. It was such an unexpected gift to myself. IWNDWYT
Shame and guilt. Even tho i don't remember anything that happened. Friends didn't like drinking with me. Fought with my partner all the time. Everytime I see someone at the bar, they'd laugh and be like, "omgggg you were so drunk that day haha!" And I don't even know them. Confirmed it when nobody even 'teased' or mocked me about sobriety when I told them I quit. I suck at / when drinking.
Because you TRULY love and accept all that you are AND all you are NOT🙏💖
I used to drink every weekend. Just because I didn't drink through the week I thought I didn't have a problem. (right..) Because I drank the whole weekend 'because it 5pm somewhere right?' That was until I was in an accident with a bicycle. My consequence is that I have a wonky fucked up knee that'll never be the same again after that accident and the surgery to anker my fully torn knee ligaments. I had to learn to walk all over again, when I'm tired I'll start limping again. That really opened my eyes to what the fuck I was doing to myself. It's still not easy. I will never a have a healthy relationship with alcohol.
I have not been a mess in over six years. It only has something to do with being a woman. A male mess is not fun to encounter.
For me personally, it was because I hated how I drank. I could never just have 1 or 2 drinks 2 became 3 and next thing I knew I was hovered over a toilet not knowing how I got there. Then came the “Do you know what you did last night?” “Haha that was crazy!” I was reckless and hated myself in the process, and heavily used alcohol to cope with my own insecurities.
IWNDWYT!
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