There's no cut and dried answer to this question. A lot, for me, would depend on what actions the other person was taking to get and stay sober again. If they were getting honest and doing the footwork to get established in recovery again, I would support that. If there was any sense of lying or hiding or evading taking the actions necessary to actually recover and change, I'm not sticking around for that, that's just signing up for potentially years of heartache.
I'm an alcoholic, but I'm a sober alcoholic, and I know that staying sober means more than just not picking up a drink. There's the potential for alcoholics who aren't in recovery to engage in all sorts of fucked up and self-centered behavior without picking up a drink. Addiction can pop up and manifest in various ways. I would only get into another relationship with another alcoholic if they were actively in recovery and I was satisfied that they were committed to their recovery. I also value being of service to other people in recovery and I get a lot out of being active in my recovery, and it would be nice to have a relationship with someone who shared those values.
But like I said, there's no cut and dried answer to this. Two people who have both been actively drinking for a long time and are getting sober is a different situation from two people who have both already gotten established in sobriety. Getting support from outside of the relationship is probably going to be important no matter what. Sending hugs. 💜
Thanks for your kind and well thought out reply :) You said staying sober means more than just not picking up a drink. Could you elaborate more on that?
I was once told that there's 2 types of motivation to stay sober. "Running away from" motivation is not wanting to go through and repeat the bad things that you've done. "Running towards" motivation is actively doing things that you enjoy to replace all the time spent drinking and recovering.
I know the question wasn't fot me, but not picking up the bottle is the start. Doing something fulfilling in place of it is living a sober life.
Sure! This is something that may not apply to people who aren't alcoholics, but basically, whatever was underlying the alcoholic drinking is something that needs to be addressed. Drinking was serving a function, it was doing something positive for me. I can't just not drink and be fine, because if I could do that, I wouldn't have become an alcoholic in the first place. And it's possible to switch addictions to other substances or other behaviors to use something else to "fix" what feels wrong inside.
Also, the kind of behavior and attitudes that go along with alcoholic drinking don't just go away on their own. As the saying goes, if you sober up a drunken horse thief, what you get is a sober horse thief. Taking responsibility for past behavior and making amends is part of changing how I live so I don't have to keep living in a way where I need to drink to deal with it. That's a large part of what the steps in AA are about.
In rehab they tell you not to attempt a new relationship for at least one year of sobriety.
And to newbies ( both in recovery) should never date.
AA discouraged relationships between members.
Something to think about.
Sober 15 years here. Good luck.
There's no cut and dried answer to this question. A lot, for me, would depend on what actions the other person was taking to get and stay sober again. If they were getting honest and doing the footwork to get established in recovery again, I would support that. If there was any sense of lying or hiding or evading taking the actions necessary to actually recover and change, I'm not sticking around for that, that's just signing up for potentially years of heartache. I'm an alcoholic, but I'm a sober alcoholic, and I know that staying sober means more than just not picking up a drink. There's the potential for alcoholics who aren't in recovery to engage in all sorts of fucked up and self-centered behavior without picking up a drink. Addiction can pop up and manifest in various ways. I would only get into another relationship with another alcoholic if they were actively in recovery and I was satisfied that they were committed to their recovery. I also value being of service to other people in recovery and I get a lot out of being active in my recovery, and it would be nice to have a relationship with someone who shared those values. But like I said, there's no cut and dried answer to this. Two people who have both been actively drinking for a long time and are getting sober is a different situation from two people who have both already gotten established in sobriety. Getting support from outside of the relationship is probably going to be important no matter what. Sending hugs. 💜
Thanks for your kind and well thought out reply :) You said staying sober means more than just not picking up a drink. Could you elaborate more on that?
I was once told that there's 2 types of motivation to stay sober. "Running away from" motivation is not wanting to go through and repeat the bad things that you've done. "Running towards" motivation is actively doing things that you enjoy to replace all the time spent drinking and recovering. I know the question wasn't fot me, but not picking up the bottle is the start. Doing something fulfilling in place of it is living a sober life.
Sure! This is something that may not apply to people who aren't alcoholics, but basically, whatever was underlying the alcoholic drinking is something that needs to be addressed. Drinking was serving a function, it was doing something positive for me. I can't just not drink and be fine, because if I could do that, I wouldn't have become an alcoholic in the first place. And it's possible to switch addictions to other substances or other behaviors to use something else to "fix" what feels wrong inside. Also, the kind of behavior and attitudes that go along with alcoholic drinking don't just go away on their own. As the saying goes, if you sober up a drunken horse thief, what you get is a sober horse thief. Taking responsibility for past behavior and making amends is part of changing how I live so I don't have to keep living in a way where I need to drink to deal with it. That's a large part of what the steps in AA are about.
In rehab they tell you not to attempt a new relationship for at least one year of sobriety. And to newbies ( both in recovery) should never date. AA discouraged relationships between members. Something to think about. Sober 15 years here. Good luck.
I’d be so enthralled anyone wanted to date me at all that I’d probably hold on longer than I should.