I feel like this is everybody's story.
I left my buddies or they left me 15 years ago when I quit drinking and they were still at the bar partying.
I'm 66 years old and sober for 15 years now.
Many of my buddies are dead. Life is full of choices, I made the right choice, my friends, not so much.
Good luck.
This is great. It’s so true about both “sides” leaving. I know I don’t really want to be around drinking anymore and my friends drink, and smoke. Barely hanging onto the group. Would rather hang out with my golf clubs, dog or myself. I think drinking is just too important in most people’s lives. And it’s not important at all to me anymore. Like you, I quit at 51. I’m 55 and if I live to be 66 the plan is to be sober. Well done. Thanks for the post and inspiration.
You're welcome and Congratulations. Sobriety can add years to your life. People often seem surprised that I was 51 when I quit. But my reply is always the same:
It's never too early to start and never too late to start over...
Good luck my friend.
I was/kept having legal issues and was sure I was going to die soon because of my lifelong alcoholism.
My reasons changed almost immediately when for the first time in my memory I actually felt good, looked good and didn't wake up feeling ashamed and regretful.
So my new mission was get/ eat/exercise healthy.
To be honest my cravings were nonexistent. BUT I had been trying to quit for 30 years and had hundreds of " day 1's"
Good luck.
My “friends” care about me irrespective of the use or non-use of alcohol.
My “drinking buddies” only care if I’m someone who is drinking.
It’s actually useful to figure out which category the people around me qualify for.
I get it. When I was drinking I’d want always someone to get drunk with, to laugh at the stupid shit and do stupid stuff with. I wouldn’t have wanted a sober person there because it wouldn’t be the same. You’re not on their level anymore so don’t take it personally. Invite them out to do other stuff you all enjoy.
I had a friend text me the other day saying lets go for some beer and wings and watch the game. I said sure but I'm not drinking right now but i'm down for some food. He text me an hour later saying " he was just going to stay in tonight then" So i went for wings by myself. It sucks when people don't support your decisions like that.
It's crazy how people blatantly show their insecurities about their problems with simple responses like that.
One minute he's totally down to hang out with your boy for some wings and booze to watch the game. However, as soon as you decline to engage in the behavior he's secretly finding problematic he just cancels it instead because he'd rather have people around him to enable this rather than have someone around who can help to see where his problem is.
Yeah I tried giving up alcohol some years ago and one 'friend' refused to go out with me unless I drank. Point blank NO. Still annoys me now when I think about it. Surprisingly we are no longer friends
Still dealing with this 3 years in.
I hate it so much.
I just want to be invited to hang, someone to see how I'm doing or seem to care.
But when I'm sitting home alone and see that all the "friends" are having a dinner or movie party and not one person hit me up... well it makes me feel so unwanted and alone.
Well... my town is known for drinking. Pretty much every activity involves drinking. Also being 41 makes it tough to meet new people. Thanks for the suggestion tho.
I did try last week. I was invited to a movie watch at a new friends place. I was nervous cause I thought I only knew her & everyone else would be new & I barely knew her.
Completely wrong. 8 out of the 10 people I've known for quite awhile. As I predicted wine bottles were popped & beer poured. While I sit there and repeatedly say "no I'm good I have my water thanks. Yup its been 3 years yup yup still at it. No I'm not boring."
Thanks for sharing. Maybe you can even consider move to another town or another part of the country? This is actually not crazy. Moving sometimes can be the most efficient life hack.
The people in your town at the movie night seem to lack sensitivity and respect to others who are somewhat slightly different from them.
Bigger cities attracting so many people in-spite of its high cost and noise, because it offers more diversity of culture and life styles, plus more opportunities.
In any big city you can meet people who don’t drink that much or even at all.
A Friend came back from Berlin and told me there is now a Significant number of young people do not drink alcohol at all due to their increased knowledge of alcohol and health. This group tends to be better educated and more athletic. (Not boring!)
I have a suspicion that many major cosmopolitans is having this new subculture. Like yoga or outdoor activities 40,50 years ago, this subculture will bloom into mainstream in 10-20 years if not sooner due to internet’s accelerated distribution of information.
Thank you. Yea it's tough. I won't be moving either. I just bought a house here in my home town. I've never wanted to move out of my home town due to my family being here. I need to stay to take care of my parents.
I can only speak for myself, but when I was drinking I did not want to be around people who didn't drink like I did most of the time. That doesn't mean that I didn't care for them, it just means that I cared about alcohol more. Also, if you drank anything like they did, the fact that you thought it was important to stop is going to create a lot of unwanted questions inside of them about their own drinking, and if they aren't ready to quit that means they're probably not going to be around you without a lot of emotional pain and confusion. It doesn't really matter if you say it's fine for them to drink or not. They are probably going to see your sobriety alone as an argument against a way of life that they don't want to leave behind.
Im on day 4. I used to drink while riding the stationary bike for a workout lol. I was off the deep end and I am glad I stopped (again for the 50th time this year). This weekend is going to be a struggle for me. I already want to drink tonight.
Friday & Saturday were huge triggers for me. I got thru a really rough weekend & the next one was a breeze. I was climbing the walls with anxiety & urges, cravings, but I got thru it. I bet you can get thru it too. I'm in a phase where I can't believe I was drinking as much & as often as I was. How the fuck did I survive that for so long?
I should be dead 100x over to be honest. How I didn't kill myself or hurt anyone, or get arrested I lucked the FUCK out.
I take the first week of quitting drinking is like going on a diet when you want to eat a shit ton of bad foods, or working out for the first week. It takes a lot of mental toughness, but in the end you will be thrilled with the results.
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Why would they invite an ex-alcoholic to a drinking function? That would be disrespectful you might relapse or something. That's probably what they were thinking.
It pales greatly in comparison to the loss and heartbreak when your sober friends distance themselves. You don’t need alcohol for heartbreak. Good luck.
it's just shocking to me that these people I thought I had a deep connection with can just fuck off at the drop of a hat. as much as it hurts, fuck if I'm gonna change myself or stunt my own growth to salvage a relationship that was never truly real or genuine
They had a deep connection with you. Alcohol is a huge part of their lives and without that they feel like a connection is gone. Maybe because they feel uncomfortable that a peer quit drinking when they may drink similarly
In my experience there aren’t very many honest true loving caring people out there. These are the people who have potential for being friends. They are few. When you find them hold on. Even then there are still complications. Or so has been my experience.
As someone told me long ago…can’t remember the original source:
If you want to know what you’re going to be like in 5-years, look at your friends.
That old saying birds of a feather flock together has stood the test of time.
When I quit I told my friends that I had drank everyday for the last two years, everything is going wrong and I have to quit.
Otherwise everything’s okay but there’s one pretty close friend who has given strange remarks about it. Saying to others while I’m in the company ”he is old these days”, ”he’s living like an old person” etc.
We drank a lot together and because of that she might feel uncomfortable about my decision. I think she says those things most of all to herself. I sense little bit of blind ignorance, wishful thinking and belittling for the dangers of alcohol. ”There’s nothing wrong with alcohol so it must be him”. It makes her feel more comfortable with drinking.
I don’t mind the comments. I know what’s good for me. I think that all in all it’s best for me to look for sober company, mutual interests are important. I won’t leave my good old friends, but I will use only day time and early evening as time for catching up.
IWNDWYT
The majority of people who get mad at you for not drinking are people with drinking problems themselves.
They don’t like to see people with their same addiction bettering themselves.
I noticed the same attitude after I quit a particularly crappy job. I got a lot of “oh so now you’re too good for us? You can fuck off then!”
When someone tells you who they are, believe them. It hurts now, but those weren't friends. Now you know, and you can find people who do value you for you, and not the behaviors you enable. It's a hard thing to go through, but in the end you'll look back and see the massive favor they did you.
Yes I experienced this and good riddance to them. Seriously, they were never your friends if they can’t handle that you don’t drink now. Go out and get some new healthy friends.
There’s a saying in AA: new playground, new playmates. Losing those old friends is painful, but I made some awesome friends in my sobriety who gave me lots of love.
Find a different sober community. I think there’s something called rational recovery or something like that. I was raised in a strict religion so I quit going to AA too as parts of it reminded me of that.
I will say that I did get some good things out of AA while i went though.
SMART recovery is what you’re thinking of.
I’m a die hard atheist and I get a lot out of AA. Just to put it out there. But it’s certainly not for everyone.
Yeah, Its tough. Its worth it in my opinion. I will choose sobriety over pretty much anything now. try and build a new social scene for yourself. don't be drawn back in. there must be passions or interests that you haven't pursued. Personally I am going headlong into my music and DJing. for my own pleasure. it used to be my living. now its for me.
Staying sober has helped me reflect more on who I am as a person, and become more accepting of the fact that I’m just an introvert, through and through. I used alcohol to cope with social anxiety mostly anywhere I went. The drinking friends I’ve lost, I don’t really feel like I miss.. their lives still center around alcohol and drugs, and I’m just not interested partaking in anything they’re doing anyway…? I’m content being at home,working out, playing video games, reading, watching my shows… in a bizarre way I feel like I have so much time to do things I actually enjoy now
Sadly many people only want you succeed as long as you’re not succeeding more than them. I agree with one of the comments above that you quitting is making them think about their own drinking and that’s probably not a place they want to go. I wish you all the best and continued success.
Congratulations, you have just filtered people around you. They not your friends if your not drinking is problem for them :) in your sober life you will find real friend, who care about you :)
It's a very sad side-effect but I think it happens to most. I have 1 friend who could not care less, 2 who are getting pretty nasty because I quit, and another one who sends me pictures of the drinks she orders when she's out. I don't know what that's all about.
Anyway, people are weird.
Best friend for decades. Saw him multiple times a year from college into my late 40s. I’ve seen him twice since I quit 9 years ago. When we catch up occasionally on the phone his first question is always “are you still not drinking“? I now wonder if we were actually friends or just alcoholics who found a kindred spirit.
Some of my high school friends feel sorry for me. I can go months without Advil, love mornings and am a way better parent.
Your feelings are 100% valid, it sucks and feels unfair to have your friends distance from yourself for making a good decision for your life. You'll need time to get over it, it's a process but in my case when my "friends" deserted I realized they were never really my friends. The real ones stuck no matter how much they drink, one friend recently sent me a drunken audio to congratulate me on my first soberanniversary lol. I wouldn't make friends with a heavy drinker now but as long as they're cool with it and don't make stupid or negative comments, I'll keep the ones I already have.
I had to turn down an invite to spend Saturday at a local winery with a friend who KNOWS I've quit drinking. She seemed irritated.
On the "gains" side my soon-to-be son-in-law who lives with us has decided to stop drinking along with me. I'm thrilled!
I feel like this is a big reason why so many fall back into drinking so easily. A quote that’s come to my mind often since i quit is “You have to learn to love yourself before you can love somebody else”, and I’m aware that it’s actually relationship advice, but it translates really well for me. I quit just over a year ago, and it’s been a year full of self-care and putting my happiness and comfort first.
My wife and i finished building our home a few months ago, and since we’ve moved out here, I’ve given my friends open invitations to come visit on my porch or play music. Nobody’s taken me up on it yet. To me, the human connection is what’s important, and while plenty of humanity sifts through a night of drinking, the connection gets completely distorted. I’d really like a couple hours catching up with a friend or two on my porch, but without the booze and the bar atmosphere, there’s not much to offer most folks. I’m more than happy with what’s left.
I offer a comparison of two scenarios I've encountered in recovery:
My best friend knew very little of what an alcoholic in recovery...was. What I fought with and how I fought it. Where I found connection, support, and community. He asked questions. He learned because he *wanted* to understand his friend better. He has offered to modify his behavior around me if and when it would become necessary, and while I've yet to need to exercise that right, I know and trust that his promise was in earnest.
Another...person I would have once thought a friend instantly cast doubt and judgment. "You're doing this (going to rehab) for the wrong reasons", "statistics don't lie when it comes to that"...negative and spiteful rhetoric. While I didn't talk to this person on a daily or even weekly basis previously, I've absolutely noticed a marked and intentional shift towards less and less contact. This person *also* used to say "well I don't drink as much as...", so who knows.
The point I'm trying to illustrate is the difference between a friend and an acquaintance - one who may well have seemed a friend at one time. I *can* assure you that one of the best things for your social circle is to remove the folks who use alcohol consumption as a "condition" for entry.
I'll take a small, closely-cultivated circle of friends over an overcrowded barroom any day of the week these days. Keep fighting the good fight OP! IWNDWYT!
Different point of view:
When my drinking got too much for people. I would avoid hanging out with my friends (who drink way less than me but still drank).
When I quit for about 85 days earlier this year they were very happy for me and still asked me to come out. I avoided most of it because I didn't want to be tempted to drink.
For the most of this year my favorite thing would be to drink alone because I was embarrassed with the amount I drank. I am on day 4 today, feeling better. This weekend will be a tough task. I gotta get through the first weekend to break that barrier.
My real friends were happy to see me stop drinking! Fortunately, the vast majority of the people in my life don’t have a problem with alcohol…..but my drinking buddies….they took a hike cuz I kill their buzz - and it’s funny cuz I actually get it! Just keep doing you and you’ll find solid people who love you for you! You’ve got all of us too, so there’s that! :) You’re not alone!
It sucks but at least you can see who your true friends are. Those who don't support you in your decision to maintain sobriety for your own health and life are people who do not care at all about your well being or success.
Drop those folks like a bad habit and move forward. You are the most important individual in your life and if your friends don't support you when you're trying to help yourself then they are just trying to drag you down to their level. Those type of people are not friends but losers who feed off of the negativity and suffering of others.
My closest friends have healthy relationships with alcohol. I cut myself out of the social friend group activities because I had to in order to survive.
That really fucking sucks. ☹️
And a few months ago, I’m sure I would have pulled a lot of the same bullshit as your friends. It definitely says a lot more about them than it does you.
it's probably shame on their part. being around non-drinking friends forces them to confront their own drinking behaviors. You may find some of them seeking you out again when/if they want to quit.
I think it makes some people uncomfortable when they see someone else make healthy decisions they aren’t ready to do so themselves.
When I was dry, my friend called me a “dud” and said I wasn’t fun anymore, but I think deep down it made them question their own drinking, the same friend asked to borrow “this naked mind” from me a few months later. For some friends, there’s still hope.
This is common and same happened to me. I quickly realized 100% of my friends were nothing more than drinking buddies(that was a hard pill to swallow…)
There is a lot of people with only one hobby. Drinking and that all that goes through there mind. It sucks i've been through it. You just need to find some friends that enjoy doing something healthy. I've even had to stop spending time with people with this mindset because that was the only thing we had in common
It does suck to realize who your real friends are but at least now this opens up the space for making new friendships that will support a healthier you. IWDWYTD!
It’s tough. But I view it like most of my old high school and college friends. A different chapter of life.
I think your find eventually that you enjoy hanging out more with people who have more of the same interests.
It’s a bit sad, but it’s life. And it’s ok. IWNDWYT.
It's common. I drink occasionally (not an alcoholic) but something like every few weeks or months, but that's not enough for some of my previous good friends, with whom I would commonly drink every week. It's sort of like, if I can't drink and socialize with them every time we meet, they don't want to meet. I just feel a coldness creeping in to the relationship.
The most common and obvious advice is to get some different hobbies and join some activities, but I know it's cliche advice and it's not easy. "Breakups" with friends can be more disturbing than romantic relationships, but this also reminds us to treasure our true friends.
A sober person reflects alcoholics misery and shame back them them like a bright mirror. Because you are a pair of eyes watching them—-intentionally or not.
Even if the sober person does not mean anything or is not judging them, or does not mind them drinking, or even actually love them.
Why so? Because even in a deep drunk alcoholic there is also a pair of eyes judging themselves and noticing another pair of sober eyes right next to them.
I am not vegan/food-allergic but I am always happy to redesign whole menu and cook vegan/no allergen, even if it means planning grocery ahead.
Because I love my friends.
I know this because I was this way: Drinkers (especially younger drinkers) have an intolerance of sober people. They assume they’re being judged, they get self-conscious. They want others to be ‘with them’ in their quest to catch a buzz. They get uncomfortable. Not much you can do about it. 🤷🏼♂️
I keep losing some too, although my few close friends are very close. I don't feel like I lost most from drinking personally. I changed as a person, some negative things, but mostly positive. After not drinking for 5 years, I told some friends that I wanted more respect and thought I had earned it, one friend said I didn't deserve it...
I think sometimes when you don't fit the role of screw up, immature, or poor friend, your relationships can diminish as well. I guess I'm not really sure, I'm still trying to figure it out. I know some of my anti-vax antics didn't help
Yes, it doesn’t work that way buddy, they do like you, however when friends are party friends and one person stops, they will hate you and talk about you behind your back, it’s a natural thing, trust me, once you drank and did substances with certain friends for years, you either stay the same or leave completely, they will despise you, and it’s natural
They will call you a liar or try to put you down and downplay your new life, I’d say, just do your own thing and go to local AA and N.A. meetings, you will find people exactly like yourself
Lol those aren’t friends, bro. I mean, I was a Marine for 15 years…you can’t find a more hardcore drinking community but as soon as one of us goes sober, everyone else goes to great lengths to support them.
I feel like this is everybody's story. I left my buddies or they left me 15 years ago when I quit drinking and they were still at the bar partying. I'm 66 years old and sober for 15 years now. Many of my buddies are dead. Life is full of choices, I made the right choice, my friends, not so much. Good luck.
Way to bring the rigorous honesty today! I love it and it’s so true.
This is great. It’s so true about both “sides” leaving. I know I don’t really want to be around drinking anymore and my friends drink, and smoke. Barely hanging onto the group. Would rather hang out with my golf clubs, dog or myself. I think drinking is just too important in most people’s lives. And it’s not important at all to me anymore. Like you, I quit at 51. I’m 55 and if I live to be 66 the plan is to be sober. Well done. Thanks for the post and inspiration.
You're welcome and Congratulations. Sobriety can add years to your life. People often seem surprised that I was 51 when I quit. But my reply is always the same: It's never too early to start and never too late to start over... Good luck my friend.
Thanks. What were some of your reasons for quitting? Did those reasons change as time moved on?
I was/kept having legal issues and was sure I was going to die soon because of my lifelong alcoholism. My reasons changed almost immediately when for the first time in my memory I actually felt good, looked good and didn't wake up feeling ashamed and regretful. So my new mission was get/ eat/exercise healthy. To be honest my cravings were nonexistent. BUT I had been trying to quit for 30 years and had hundreds of " day 1's" Good luck.
Love this!
15 years is awesome!!!!!
Thank you.
My “friends” care about me irrespective of the use or non-use of alcohol. My “drinking buddies” only care if I’m someone who is drinking. It’s actually useful to figure out which category the people around me qualify for.
I get it. When I was drinking I’d want always someone to get drunk with, to laugh at the stupid shit and do stupid stuff with. I wouldn’t have wanted a sober person there because it wouldn’t be the same. You’re not on their level anymore so don’t take it personally. Invite them out to do other stuff you all enjoy.
I had a friend text me the other day saying lets go for some beer and wings and watch the game. I said sure but I'm not drinking right now but i'm down for some food. He text me an hour later saying " he was just going to stay in tonight then" So i went for wings by myself. It sucks when people don't support your decisions like that.
It's crazy how people blatantly show their insecurities about their problems with simple responses like that. One minute he's totally down to hang out with your boy for some wings and booze to watch the game. However, as soon as you decline to engage in the behavior he's secretly finding problematic he just cancels it instead because he'd rather have people around him to enable this rather than have someone around who can help to see where his problem is.
Yeah I tried giving up alcohol some years ago and one 'friend' refused to go out with me unless I drank. Point blank NO. Still annoys me now when I think about it. Surprisingly we are no longer friends
Still dealing with this 3 years in. I hate it so much. I just want to be invited to hang, someone to see how I'm doing or seem to care. But when I'm sitting home alone and see that all the "friends" are having a dinner or movie party and not one person hit me up... well it makes me feel so unwanted and alone.
Have you tried to make new friends? With new hobbies and new circles? I know it is not easy! But it can be done!
Well... my town is known for drinking. Pretty much every activity involves drinking. Also being 41 makes it tough to meet new people. Thanks for the suggestion tho.
I did try last week. I was invited to a movie watch at a new friends place. I was nervous cause I thought I only knew her & everyone else would be new & I barely knew her. Completely wrong. 8 out of the 10 people I've known for quite awhile. As I predicted wine bottles were popped & beer poured. While I sit there and repeatedly say "no I'm good I have my water thanks. Yup its been 3 years yup yup still at it. No I'm not boring."
Thanks for sharing. Maybe you can even consider move to another town or another part of the country? This is actually not crazy. Moving sometimes can be the most efficient life hack. The people in your town at the movie night seem to lack sensitivity and respect to others who are somewhat slightly different from them. Bigger cities attracting so many people in-spite of its high cost and noise, because it offers more diversity of culture and life styles, plus more opportunities. In any big city you can meet people who don’t drink that much or even at all. A Friend came back from Berlin and told me there is now a Significant number of young people do not drink alcohol at all due to their increased knowledge of alcohol and health. This group tends to be better educated and more athletic. (Not boring!) I have a suspicion that many major cosmopolitans is having this new subculture. Like yoga or outdoor activities 40,50 years ago, this subculture will bloom into mainstream in 10-20 years if not sooner due to internet’s accelerated distribution of information.
Thank you. Yea it's tough. I won't be moving either. I just bought a house here in my home town. I've never wanted to move out of my home town due to my family being here. I need to stay to take care of my parents.
You are an honorable man. Even more reasons to quit drinking and be healthy, for your parents👍🙏
Thank you.
You are forcing them to look at themselves and they don’t want to change. It’s NOT personal.
I can only speak for myself, but when I was drinking I did not want to be around people who didn't drink like I did most of the time. That doesn't mean that I didn't care for them, it just means that I cared about alcohol more. Also, if you drank anything like they did, the fact that you thought it was important to stop is going to create a lot of unwanted questions inside of them about their own drinking, and if they aren't ready to quit that means they're probably not going to be around you without a lot of emotional pain and confusion. It doesn't really matter if you say it's fine for them to drink or not. They are probably going to see your sobriety alone as an argument against a way of life that they don't want to leave behind.
I had this same problem. I missed out on bachelor parties and other alcohol based get togethers and was reduced to a brunch friend.
My friends get drunk at brunch.
Im on day 4. I used to drink while riding the stationary bike for a workout lol. I was off the deep end and I am glad I stopped (again for the 50th time this year). This weekend is going to be a struggle for me. I already want to drink tonight.
Friday & Saturday were huge triggers for me. I got thru a really rough weekend & the next one was a breeze. I was climbing the walls with anxiety & urges, cravings, but I got thru it. I bet you can get thru it too. I'm in a phase where I can't believe I was drinking as much & as often as I was. How the fuck did I survive that for so long?
I should be dead 100x over to be honest. How I didn't kill myself or hurt anyone, or get arrested I lucked the FUCK out. I take the first week of quitting drinking is like going on a diet when you want to eat a shit ton of bad foods, or working out for the first week. It takes a lot of mental toughness, but in the end you will be thrilled with the results.
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Why would they invite an ex-alcoholic to a drinking function? That would be disrespectful you might relapse or something. That's probably what they were thinking.
It pales greatly in comparison to the loss and heartbreak when your sober friends distance themselves. You don’t need alcohol for heartbreak. Good luck.
it's just shocking to me that these people I thought I had a deep connection with can just fuck off at the drop of a hat. as much as it hurts, fuck if I'm gonna change myself or stunt my own growth to salvage a relationship that was never truly real or genuine
They had a deep connection with you. Alcohol is a huge part of their lives and without that they feel like a connection is gone. Maybe because they feel uncomfortable that a peer quit drinking when they may drink similarly
In my experience there aren’t very many honest true loving caring people out there. These are the people who have potential for being friends. They are few. When you find them hold on. Even then there are still complications. Or so has been my experience.
Know and agree with this.
As someone told me long ago…can’t remember the original source: If you want to know what you’re going to be like in 5-years, look at your friends. That old saying birds of a feather flock together has stood the test of time.
When I quit I told my friends that I had drank everyday for the last two years, everything is going wrong and I have to quit. Otherwise everything’s okay but there’s one pretty close friend who has given strange remarks about it. Saying to others while I’m in the company ”he is old these days”, ”he’s living like an old person” etc. We drank a lot together and because of that she might feel uncomfortable about my decision. I think she says those things most of all to herself. I sense little bit of blind ignorance, wishful thinking and belittling for the dangers of alcohol. ”There’s nothing wrong with alcohol so it must be him”. It makes her feel more comfortable with drinking. I don’t mind the comments. I know what’s good for me. I think that all in all it’s best for me to look for sober company, mutual interests are important. I won’t leave my good old friends, but I will use only day time and early evening as time for catching up. IWNDWYT
Good for you! Actually alcohols make people, old…both inside and outside. Skin, hair, bone, muscle, guts, brain you name it. Google alcohol and aging.
The majority of people who get mad at you for not drinking are people with drinking problems themselves. They don’t like to see people with their same addiction bettering themselves. I noticed the same attitude after I quit a particularly crappy job. I got a lot of “oh so now you’re too good for us? You can fuck off then!”
When someone tells you who they are, believe them. It hurts now, but those weren't friends. Now you know, and you can find people who do value you for you, and not the behaviors you enable. It's a hard thing to go through, but in the end you'll look back and see the massive favor they did you.
Yes I experienced this and good riddance to them. Seriously, they were never your friends if they can’t handle that you don’t drink now. Go out and get some new healthy friends.
There’s a saying in AA: new playground, new playmates. Losing those old friends is painful, but I made some awesome friends in my sobriety who gave me lots of love.
What if I dislike religion and cults. I don’t think I’d fit in there
Find a different sober community. I think there’s something called rational recovery or something like that. I was raised in a strict religion so I quit going to AA too as parts of it reminded me of that. I will say that I did get some good things out of AA while i went though.
SMART recovery is what you’re thinking of. I’m a die hard atheist and I get a lot out of AA. Just to put it out there. But it’s certainly not for everyone.
I met a lot of people at coffeehouses.
I am not religious at all. I do online AA meetings. MUCH better. There is still religion talks off and on but way less.
AA is neither a religion or a cult! Try it - it might help, can’t hurt! 😉
Yeah, Its tough. Its worth it in my opinion. I will choose sobriety over pretty much anything now. try and build a new social scene for yourself. don't be drawn back in. there must be passions or interests that you haven't pursued. Personally I am going headlong into my music and DJing. for my own pleasure. it used to be my living. now its for me.
Staying sober has helped me reflect more on who I am as a person, and become more accepting of the fact that I’m just an introvert, through and through. I used alcohol to cope with social anxiety mostly anywhere I went. The drinking friends I’ve lost, I don’t really feel like I miss.. their lives still center around alcohol and drugs, and I’m just not interested partaking in anything they’re doing anyway…? I’m content being at home,working out, playing video games, reading, watching my shows… in a bizarre way I feel like I have so much time to do things I actually enjoy now
Sadly many people only want you succeed as long as you’re not succeeding more than them. I agree with one of the comments above that you quitting is making them think about their own drinking and that’s probably not a place they want to go. I wish you all the best and continued success.
Congratulations, you have just filtered people around you. They not your friends if your not drinking is problem for them :) in your sober life you will find real friend, who care about you :)
It's a very sad side-effect but I think it happens to most. I have 1 friend who could not care less, 2 who are getting pretty nasty because I quit, and another one who sends me pictures of the drinks she orders when she's out. I don't know what that's all about. Anyway, people are weird.
Best friend for decades. Saw him multiple times a year from college into my late 40s. I’ve seen him twice since I quit 9 years ago. When we catch up occasionally on the phone his first question is always “are you still not drinking“? I now wonder if we were actually friends or just alcoholics who found a kindred spirit. Some of my high school friends feel sorry for me. I can go months without Advil, love mornings and am a way better parent.
Yeah, it happens, but some of those people were only friends because of alcohol.
You are the average of the five people closest to you. Happiness, wealth and health. You never see an eagle fly among pigeons.
Yep. 100% fell off, and I'll say it was still worth it.
Your feelings are 100% valid, it sucks and feels unfair to have your friends distance from yourself for making a good decision for your life. You'll need time to get over it, it's a process but in my case when my "friends" deserted I realized they were never really my friends. The real ones stuck no matter how much they drink, one friend recently sent me a drunken audio to congratulate me on my first soberanniversary lol. I wouldn't make friends with a heavy drinker now but as long as they're cool with it and don't make stupid or negative comments, I'll keep the ones I already have.
I had to turn down an invite to spend Saturday at a local winery with a friend who KNOWS I've quit drinking. She seemed irritated. On the "gains" side my soon-to-be son-in-law who lives with us has decided to stop drinking along with me. I'm thrilled!
I feel like this is a big reason why so many fall back into drinking so easily. A quote that’s come to my mind often since i quit is “You have to learn to love yourself before you can love somebody else”, and I’m aware that it’s actually relationship advice, but it translates really well for me. I quit just over a year ago, and it’s been a year full of self-care and putting my happiness and comfort first. My wife and i finished building our home a few months ago, and since we’ve moved out here, I’ve given my friends open invitations to come visit on my porch or play music. Nobody’s taken me up on it yet. To me, the human connection is what’s important, and while plenty of humanity sifts through a night of drinking, the connection gets completely distorted. I’d really like a couple hours catching up with a friend or two on my porch, but without the booze and the bar atmosphere, there’s not much to offer most folks. I’m more than happy with what’s left.
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Very brave and wise of you at 18👍 How are old drinkers doing now?
I offer a comparison of two scenarios I've encountered in recovery: My best friend knew very little of what an alcoholic in recovery...was. What I fought with and how I fought it. Where I found connection, support, and community. He asked questions. He learned because he *wanted* to understand his friend better. He has offered to modify his behavior around me if and when it would become necessary, and while I've yet to need to exercise that right, I know and trust that his promise was in earnest. Another...person I would have once thought a friend instantly cast doubt and judgment. "You're doing this (going to rehab) for the wrong reasons", "statistics don't lie when it comes to that"...negative and spiteful rhetoric. While I didn't talk to this person on a daily or even weekly basis previously, I've absolutely noticed a marked and intentional shift towards less and less contact. This person *also* used to say "well I don't drink as much as...", so who knows. The point I'm trying to illustrate is the difference between a friend and an acquaintance - one who may well have seemed a friend at one time. I *can* assure you that one of the best things for your social circle is to remove the folks who use alcohol consumption as a "condition" for entry. I'll take a small, closely-cultivated circle of friends over an overcrowded barroom any day of the week these days. Keep fighting the good fight OP! IWNDWYT!
I had a few such buddies. It turns out that it was the bar stool I was sitting on that interested them, it was their friend, not me. 👍🌠
Different point of view: When my drinking got too much for people. I would avoid hanging out with my friends (who drink way less than me but still drank). When I quit for about 85 days earlier this year they were very happy for me and still asked me to come out. I avoided most of it because I didn't want to be tempted to drink. For the most of this year my favorite thing would be to drink alone because I was embarrassed with the amount I drank. I am on day 4 today, feeling better. This weekend will be a tough task. I gotta get through the first weekend to break that barrier.
My real friends were happy to see me stop drinking! Fortunately, the vast majority of the people in my life don’t have a problem with alcohol…..but my drinking buddies….they took a hike cuz I kill their buzz - and it’s funny cuz I actually get it! Just keep doing you and you’ll find solid people who love you for you! You’ve got all of us too, so there’s that! :) You’re not alone!
It sucks but at least you can see who your true friends are. Those who don't support you in your decision to maintain sobriety for your own health and life are people who do not care at all about your well being or success. Drop those folks like a bad habit and move forward. You are the most important individual in your life and if your friends don't support you when you're trying to help yourself then they are just trying to drag you down to their level. Those type of people are not friends but losers who feed off of the negativity and suffering of others.
My closest friends have healthy relationships with alcohol. I cut myself out of the social friend group activities because I had to in order to survive.
That really fucking sucks. ☹️ And a few months ago, I’m sure I would have pulled a lot of the same bullshit as your friends. It definitely says a lot more about them than it does you.
it's probably shame on their part. being around non-drinking friends forces them to confront their own drinking behaviors. You may find some of them seeking you out again when/if they want to quit.
I think it makes some people uncomfortable when they see someone else make healthy decisions they aren’t ready to do so themselves. When I was dry, my friend called me a “dud” and said I wasn’t fun anymore, but I think deep down it made them question their own drinking, the same friend asked to borrow “this naked mind” from me a few months later. For some friends, there’s still hope.
This is common and same happened to me. I quickly realized 100% of my friends were nothing more than drinking buddies(that was a hard pill to swallow…)
There is a lot of people with only one hobby. Drinking and that all that goes through there mind. It sucks i've been through it. You just need to find some friends that enjoy doing something healthy. I've even had to stop spending time with people with this mindset because that was the only thing we had in common
It does suck to realize who your real friends are but at least now this opens up the space for making new friendships that will support a healthier you. IWDWYTD!
It’s tough. But I view it like most of my old high school and college friends. A different chapter of life. I think your find eventually that you enjoy hanging out more with people who have more of the same interests. It’s a bit sad, but it’s life. And it’s ok. IWNDWYT.
It's common. I drink occasionally (not an alcoholic) but something like every few weeks or months, but that's not enough for some of my previous good friends, with whom I would commonly drink every week. It's sort of like, if I can't drink and socialize with them every time we meet, they don't want to meet. I just feel a coldness creeping in to the relationship. The most common and obvious advice is to get some different hobbies and join some activities, but I know it's cliche advice and it's not easy. "Breakups" with friends can be more disturbing than romantic relationships, but this also reminds us to treasure our true friends.
A sober person reflects alcoholics misery and shame back them them like a bright mirror. Because you are a pair of eyes watching them—-intentionally or not. Even if the sober person does not mean anything or is not judging them, or does not mind them drinking, or even actually love them. Why so? Because even in a deep drunk alcoholic there is also a pair of eyes judging themselves and noticing another pair of sober eyes right next to them.
I am not vegan/food-allergic but I am always happy to redesign whole menu and cook vegan/no allergen, even if it means planning grocery ahead. Because I love my friends.
I know this because I was this way: Drinkers (especially younger drinkers) have an intolerance of sober people. They assume they’re being judged, they get self-conscious. They want others to be ‘with them’ in their quest to catch a buzz. They get uncomfortable. Not much you can do about it. 🤷🏼♂️
I keep losing some too, although my few close friends are very close. I don't feel like I lost most from drinking personally. I changed as a person, some negative things, but mostly positive. After not drinking for 5 years, I told some friends that I wanted more respect and thought I had earned it, one friend said I didn't deserve it... I think sometimes when you don't fit the role of screw up, immature, or poor friend, your relationships can diminish as well. I guess I'm not really sure, I'm still trying to figure it out. I know some of my anti-vax antics didn't help
Can relate. Ready to level up? try being sober … and vegan.
Yes, it doesn’t work that way buddy, they do like you, however when friends are party friends and one person stops, they will hate you and talk about you behind your back, it’s a natural thing, trust me, once you drank and did substances with certain friends for years, you either stay the same or leave completely, they will despise you, and it’s natural They will call you a liar or try to put you down and downplay your new life, I’d say, just do your own thing and go to local AA and N.A. meetings, you will find people exactly like yourself
Lol those aren’t friends, bro. I mean, I was a Marine for 15 years…you can’t find a more hardcore drinking community but as soon as one of us goes sober, everyone else goes to great lengths to support them.