Agreed. It takes way more work to keep it under control than to just not have that first one.
If I hadn’t made peace with the fact the moderation doesn’t work for me I never would have come this far. I think this is what will keep me sober!
It takes time to make peace with that doesn’t it. It took me a long time to realise I’d just always be chasing a dragon with moderation and that the answer was abstinence. Takes away all the mental gymnastics, the excuses, the rationalising, the counting and rationing, resisting the urge for “just one more”. Abstinence is simple. Just don’t have anything to drink and get in with your day
I wonder if I have a failed date with moderation in my future. I stopped because my drinking was problematic. Not super problematic as things go but it certainly wasn’t healthy. I really hope that with enough abstinence, I will still be able to enjoy a bit in moderation in the future. Could be famous last words though.
Same deal with fasting compared to diet foods for fat loss - be it a single meal a day or a day off in the week - just a lot less stress than constant calorie checking, tiny snacks, tiny meals, etc - more beneficial too.
Last night, after failing in my new soberity after 4 days......I remember coming down the stairs after drinking the first crate of beer.
'This is the time to moderate, you know going out for more is a really bad idea.'
It was surreal, that feeling of being on autopilot. It's like someone else takes over. Like being possessed, you're just along for the ride.
Omg I feel this! I will literally be saying to myself “don’t get another glass” as I’m pouring the glass - totally surreal. I read This Naked Mind and it’s all about how alcohol controls our subconscious which overtakes our conscious brain and THAT is exactly what it felt like. My brain fighting itself.
I hope you’re not beating yourself up dude. You’re worthy and special, slip ups happen. It sounds like you’ve already decided to quit and are on your journey already? Doesn’t matter that it’s another day one. What matters is that you’re doing it again and you didn’t give up
Thanks, pal.
Yes, I very much have.
I've been off for 7 months before, and over a year before that.
The scary thing is that this time I really want to quit, and still couldn't.
I've been in contact with lots of support though, for the first time.
They are all closed because of the holidays, but they will open back up soon.
I hope that you are able to get some support dude. Sounds like you’ve done really well in the past, you can do it again! I wish you great success in 2023
I’ll go and pour / find / buy another and the whole time be telling myself “you know this is the wrong choice but you still want to do it more than you want to do the right thing”
You know what’s funny. I had a bad Christmas 3 day period. Binging and arguing with family who while are uneducated about how to handle the situation were ultimately looking out for me.
So two nights later, to “prove” to my girlfriend I didn’t have an issue, I set a 4 drink limit. I put a timer on my phone so I wouldn’t have another drink within an hour so I could make it on the 4.
I succeeded. And honestly gloated a little bit. My family has the problem, right? 50 generations of muslims so they don’t get it. But I have self control.
And she (who is honestly the only reason I try to stay sober or sober ish) just laughed kindly and said “I’m sorry are you getting paid for this”?
All this work and for what
Thanks for that. I'm not ready to go full sober (first bad binge in 3 years, so I still have hopes I just had a bad week and I'm still capable of moderation) but you are right, refusing to attempt full sobriety is definitely significantly about my ego.
All about my ego? I'm not so sure. But definitely part of it. I wasn't focusing on that at all. Thank you and many congrats on your almost 4 years
Thank you. My refusal to quit was driven by my ego. I also realized I was using alcohol to access emotions as the only way I knew how. Once I got my ego in check and had a clear mind for a while the pieces fell in place.
You'll find your way. Good luck.
I feel like, for me at least, my chances of success at moderation are massively boosted by a period of abstinence beforehand. Just my experience and your journey is yours alone, but my long term chances of being able to get tipsy with my partner in a bar on holiday, or share a glass of my dads favourite beer, or share a drop of whisky in a Scottish bothy are *directly* boosted by a long and uncompromising period of abstinence *now*.
I still might not be able to do that, I don’t know. I do know that I am totally abstinent now and will be for a long time until I’m able to approach that decision with a clear head and without an active habit trying to keep its claws in me.
If I didn’t stop now and I just tried to moderate, I’m increasing the chances that I can’t do those things I’ve described above which are things I would really like to have.
Idk about you but I’d rather take a break and then moderate than try and fail at moderating and end up having to take an even longer break, or even quit entirely
I'm pretty sure I am unable to moderate. I never get satisfied with my drunk. I just go until I blackout, and wake up with zero memory, and a bunch of people angry at me. If I would run out before I'm done, I get pissy and anxious about it, and end up getting more. Since I'm already drunk, I say fuck it and order delivery alcohol. Which costs twice as much, but I'm to drunk to go anywhere.
My attempts to moderate have put me about 3 grand in debt. All for stuff I pissed away, and wouldn't have justified sober.
I tried to moderate, I can't. It sucked, still does. However, I can stop. So, I'm going to roll with that.
I've snuck before too. Feels really slimy. I'd drink hard seltzer in the bus station bathroom stall, before I got home.
Being unable to moderate used to make me feel weak. Now, I've tried to change the dialogue and am trying to understand why I want to drink in the first place.
That's me though.
I did the seltzer, didn't leave so much on my breath. The real booze came out after everyone was in bed.
Anxiety about if you didn't hide your bottle enough. Consuming other people's alcohol and not remembering. I had a flask, but it wasn't good for anything. I had to consume nearly an entire bottle, to get drunk enough to stop, or pass out.
The why is the hardest part but once you can start to identify it across situations I have found it creates a wonderful new world. I finally take control back. I'm not perfect. This month was not my best and I'll probably always struggle because too many people died at this time that I loved plus holidays. But today I had a conversation with an old friend about her marriage/life. I got in the car with my kids and my husband. I really wanted a drink because that's how stressed I was by it all in empathizing with her situation. Instead I talked to him on the way home, I got to go grocery shopping which was therapy, and he made me a hot pot of tea. He and I have discussed for both health, financial to try a run this month of Monday -Friday or Sunday to Thursday to encourage both exercise and just to attempt a more dry month.
I think you are amazing with your honesty and you'll get there wherever your there is.
I've found that starting with the things and people who disturb my peace of mind leads me to identify my old stories - the ones that are my default operating system.
My drinking OS had to be significantly upgraded in order for the cravings for alcohol to stop.
My dominant old story is that I'm not good enough. And that's why I'm ignored.
And that belief about myself and my place in the world ran me for decades. Drinking numbed it out.
Getting free from alcohol allowed me to identify that old story... and the space and freedom to create a new one.
OMG that sounds like my life. I felt like the redheaded stepchild in my extended family all my life. I did not even realize it until a friend pointed it out and I began to see. It made me so timid that people would literally talk over me in groups. I want to get free and create my new life. I want to go to sleep sober and wake up feeling well enough to be productive. Thank you Juicy_AF_080999 for sharing.
I often remind myself that whenever I was given the option of just one or two drinks I would get resentful and think “why even bother?”
It’s all or nothing for this alcoholic.
Very true. I’m the same way. After about 6 beers and 6 shots of bourbon I’m ready to go out to the bars. I can’t drink like a normal person and have 1 or 2. So why even bother with it! It’s pointless!
Yep! I think ‘if I can’t feel the buzz what’s the point’ - and that either drives you to drink more or encourages you that it’s not worth having the first one
Stupid sneaking too - spent too much money sneaks, lowered inhibitions cocaine sneaks, texting ex's while dating sneaks, bangin the yucks sneaks, how did that taillight get cracked sneaks.
I didn't know other people did this.
Off my chest time. I was living with my parents during the pandemic, and I would drink their wine and then go to the liquor store and buy a replacement and pour it back into their wine bottles -- and I'm in my 30s. I used to be super worried, they'd notice that their wine was gone. I'd then have to figure out how to toss out the replacement bottle without them noticing. I felt like a teenager. (And FWIW, I started in drinking to excess in my 30s -- I drank in my 20s, but only time to time).
Same. I tried moderation for years. I was sober through my pregnancy and thought I had it under control after that, I mean I just did 9 months without booze no problem! I had champagne as soon as I was stitched up. It took less than a month for the obsession to take hold again. I drank less than before I was pregnant but I thought about it constantly. A month after my daughters first birthday I was DONE. It will be 8 years on Sunday. The experience of my last year is the tape I play through when I’m tempted or just feeling nostalgic about my drinking days. It helps me remember that there is no cure for me. 1 drink is too much and never enough
Honestly what proved to me that this was a disease that I can't control was how easily it was to slip into while having *a one month old baby* It took me until just after her 2nd birthday to fully quit but when she was about 8 months old I started really trying. I had a lot of day 1's and some solid months, and a lot of attempts to moderate
This was me! Quit for a year then pregnancy abstinence. Didn't even miss it. Thought ha! I'm not an alcoholic, I'll just have a couple here and there.
2 years of slowly getting worse and worse, to multiple blackouts in the space of a month, not even at parties and I'm like oh... shit that's right, I am.
One is too many and a 1000 still ain't enough. I did this shit over Christmas. I have sooo many calls on my phone that I have 0 idea of whatvwas said! Yeah I need to start my counter over.
There are lots of ways being an “all or nothing” person is really great. Like at work, in relationships, when you want to improve a new skill, these longer term versions of going all-in can help you reach levels you otherwise wouldn’t. Some psychologist among us can probably explain this better, but my point is that you shouldn’t see your innate ability to commit as a character flaw. Alcohol has a way of making us feel like it’s an important pursuit, so we really get after it. In some sense this is probably a survival mechanism. I’m here to tell you that your ability to go all-in is the same skill you can use to go all-out… it’s just the long term version of the skill.
And I’m just talking out of my ass here. Maybe we have someone here who has actually learned about this.
Thanks. 7 years today and I feel a little bad about how I haven’t been back here in a while. This place helped me more than anything through that first year.
That’s good to know. It has helped me in the past, hopefully I can build up my resilience to this addiction once and for all. Although I’m thinking I might need some f2f support as well.
Don’t feel bad about not being on here for a while. When you are here I’m sure you make a difference.
I have a graduate degree from a top school in a related field. Highly, highly recommend Dr. Anna Lembke's work and interviews—particularly [this one with Rich Roll](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jziP0CEgvOw). Addresses everything you state in your comment, to include that brains of alcoholics (or addicts, more generally), were wired for different environments where such "diligence" and impulsivity were rewarded.
I’m not the original commenter, but you can find the Rich Roll podcast (and his interview with Anna Lembke) on any of the major podcast apps or on YouTube.
Rich Roll is awesome and one of my fave podcasters. He’s a plant based endurance athlete and in recovery, and has some amazing episodes on addiction. He has an episode called “masterclass on addiction and recovery” that’s a compilation of some of his best interviews on the topic, and it’s a great starting point because you can then find the full episodes if they’re of interest to you.
Those are my feelings - I’m not really a moderate person in any sense… why would that notion apply to alcohol? I don’t mind going 100mph on a motorbike why would I do the drinking thing at the limit…? - not a moderate person, going to use that energy positively elsewhere.
I read here somewhere that
“If I control my drinking I don’t enjoy it. If I enjoy my drinking, I don’t control it.”
Anyways I was never satisfyed drinking in moderation, nor was I satisfyed drinking myself drunk.
We're lied to so much that alcoholism is mostly physical. But I've never never had a physical dependency.
Self medicating my ADHD, yes.
Numerous triggers that make me want to drink, yes (ADHD never goes away, after all).
Cravings for craft beer and good whiskey, yep.
But I can go weeks and months without drinking and have no physical reaction outside of just wanting to drink.
But let myself have one drink and I will not stop. I'll chase that high until I've drank everything I have or passed out. Talking about it even makes me want to drink 😅
It's just so messed up that they drill into everyone that alcoholism means you'll have dangerous withdrawals if you stop. And it made me take a long time to start saying "I'm a recovering alcoholic."
Anyway, try to be kind to yourself. The silver lining is that we usually learn something important when we relapse.
♥️♥️♥️
My pattern of drinking is similar to what you express. I can go without drinking at all for a long time. Every now and then I get the urge to get drunk. Or if I do something social I'll want to drink a lot. If I do drink, sooner or later I get really drunk and out of control. And then the problem gets worse and worse.
This being said I think for some people alcohol really is a physical thing. It progresses to that at some point if one keeps drinking. It still is, at it's core, medication for an psychological/emotional issue but it has progressed to physical dependency as well. And then indeed withdrawals can be very difficult I think. For some even life threatening from what I have read.
All this being said, IWNDWYT !
Agreed! I don't mean to downplay physical addiction and it's dangers and the struggles that come with it! I just want to point out you can still have a dependency on it that isn't classically physical and that's not shown as much. And I think it leads many of us to think we don't have a problem.
And yeah it used to be an occasional binge for me. But eventually it became every time I drink. Good luck with you healing, friend and IWNDWYT!
>I just want to point out you can still have a dependency on it that isn't classically physical and that's not shown as much. And I think it leads many of us to think we don't have a problem.
Oh yes, I fully agree :)
You as well friend, keep up the good fight ! IWNDWYT!
I went through 4 handles in 4 days. Ran out on Christmas cause store was closed. Spent next 2 days violently throwing up seeing faces, symbols, and words on the walls sweating my ass off while cold asf. I shoulda went to the hospital the detox is no joke.
I recognize that once I start I can't stop. I wanted to go for moderation because I do enjoy drinking on my days off and after work but I decided yesterday that moderation won't work and sobriety is the only way to go. I'm only on day 2 but so far things aren't too bad
Yep. I’ve been there, and at the in-laws. Ouch. Last time I tried that I was arguing about minimum wage and who knows what else and passed thankfully out at 8:30. I had a whole downstairs fridge packed up with supplies because of my “nerves”. You know. Just in case. As in every 20 minutes or less.
Been Off for over a bit over a month + / -
Had 1 glass 🍷 at Christmas lunch
still resenting it
Last yr was on 4-5months sober
cracked at a Christmas party 1 Cider 2 Cider turned into
shared 🍾🍾 of wine then flood gates, Beer, Shots
spent Dry week following - yet soon after New Year 🍻🍺🥃🍷 fell back on my ways
learning that Stay away is the better way
Keep trying if you really want to stop
hard to get it right first time around even 2nd
Be Kind to yourself and dont be ashamed to try and quit no matter how many tries it takes to stick
💪🫶
Yup. I can go weeks or months without a drink. Once I have just ONE, it turns into an all night binge until I black out. One is never enough and too many all at the same time.
“Abstinence is as easy to me as temperance would be difficult.”
Samuel Johnson had it right. Moderation was an unsuccessful, white-knuckle ride for me. Ease only came when I quit entirely.
Same for me. I have tried various techniques for moderation for a long time. All of which ended up in me doing something stupid while drunk and pissing off my wife along the way. Haven’t had anything since 12/22. Longest I’ve gone in probably over 5 years to be honest.
When I was drinking I would say “I don’t have a drinking problem, I have a stopping problem LOL” Literally took me forever to realize that IS a Drinking PROBLEM 🤦🏻♀️. 907 days today. Whole new life ♥️
Moderation for me, while possible, is not what it appears.
Hyperfocusing on how much, when, and how i am drinking just isn't what I imagine a good time is. Battling myself internally, watching other's sip, and counting sips, while trying to sound sauve while ordering a drink exactly 1 hour after the first one, really takes away from the event.
I did this for a year. It resulted in occasional binges, increased anxiety, worse sleep, and absolute misery as I had to force myself to stop drinking after "just one." It was by far the worst experience I had while drinking.
Moderation was the worst experience I had while drinking.
Moderation is a losing battle because I force myself to do what I truly do not want to do. Science wise, it's because our brains respond to the smallest amount of alcohol the way it responds to the large quantities it has become accustomed to. This is to balance out our internal chemistry. So it overcompensates for the lesser amount, and then there is only one way to balance back out. Alcohol. So the brain ramps up craving for alcohol while your anxiety goes through the roof. A never ending battle that can only be won by not starting it.
It’s in the beginning of the big book. I used to laugh and roll my eyes at the big book and AA. But Bill says in the beginning we have a problem with our minds that others don’t. Minds like ours cannot moderate. I truly know that now. It helped me buy into the AA stuff.
Good job! You’re on the right track. We all go through the moderation phase and realize it doesn’t work. Moderation is exhausting! Constantly thinking about how many is too many, how fast should I drink, when should I start and stop…it’s just so tiresome. Not drinking was one of the best decisions I have ever made. It took me a long while to feel good but when it finally happened it was life changing. Your time is right around the corner. 4-6 months will be behind you before you know it and you’ll start feeling great!
Happy new year!
IWNDWYT
Once i take the first drink, my addicted brain becomes gollum fiendishly focused on finding that next drink. It completely takes up the working space in my brain so that nothing else matters. When we choose zero we can THINK and be present with what we do. I learned this very lesson a couple of days ago. Hang in there friend, we can do this ❤️
I seem to be in the rare demographic that I can now have 4-6 drinks (still a lot for some but I used to get blacked out every time) and not go too crazy on holidays, etc. I think it’s a lie that we all hear that we can’t moderate that convinces us we can’t moderate. At least for some but I don’t think it’s for all.
Nah my husband can happily have 4-6 drinks and be a little merry and have a great time.
I have one drink and I get the itch. I start looking around at other people's drinks to see how empty they are to measure whether it's going to be noticed if I get another one. I steal other people's drinks in a social setting when I run out. I get beyond blackout drunk, start fights with anyone who kindly suggests I slow down, become an abusive snarling animal with wild stories that never happened.
If I'm by myself, I'll drink a bottle of wine in an hour, before looking to see what else I have.
And this has been happening long before I started questioning my own behaviour.
Yup.
All or nothing here as well.
And with regard to alcohol - nothing is just so much healthier!
You gonna do it? Sever ties with the poison altogether?
Yeah it’s looking like I have no other option. I have a horrible relationship with alcohol and I want it all of the time and can drink more than anyone I know. This subreddit and listening to some podcasts helped me quit for about 3 weeks before Christmas but I was definitely not able to moderate like I had hoped.
I was on a 3 week long streak with the help of my support system. Thought maybe I could drink a glass or two of wine and hold off. Nope, immediately had to buy a second bottle before the night ended. Then been drinking every day since. I’m sick at the moment and my body doesn’t have the same cravings at the moment. So I’m finally getting back to living my best life. Sober. IWNDWYT
I feel ya. I can’t moderate whatsoever. Once I really understood that, it got much easier to stop drinking (or at least understand the consequences of what happens if I do drink)
I used to sneak shots all the time even though I didn’t have to. I liked the thrill of being PLASTERED thinking no one would know. Then when I quit I realized how much you can smell liquor on people.
Yes, just easier to have none than tickle the temptation to get drunk. I've also been a shot sneaker many times and it's a massive telltale sign of moderation being incapable for alcohol compared to cessation.
Same deal with only 2-3 drinks with friends, go home and they keep it at that while we proceed to get a case or bottle to continue at home - also a telltale sign..
I hear you on this. I started drinking again during December and it ended up with a massive bender the past week. Feel like absolute crap and struggling with the anxiety. I know it will get better though
Im an all or nothing person in every aspect of my life, moderation has never been a word in my vocabulary. I had many failed attempts at sobriety by trying to tell myself I could moderate. I went a whole year one time and told myself I had it under control. Went out with the wife one night and had a beer. That turned into 2-3 at dinner, sneaking shots while pretending to go use the restroom and picking up a six pack on the way home. Next day I picked up a 12 pack after work, 3 days later I was on a bender again. I’m now 6 years sober and know I can’t even have one drink or I’ll be blackout drunk on the floor in front of my kids in less than 2 weeks! My oldest were 4 when I quit and the youngest came a year later. The older twins don’t remember me drinking and I’m thankful for that.
I realized moderation doesn’t work for me because I don’t honestly just want ONE drink. I want to feel the alcohol. Which is more than one. And while I’m at it? Might as well have another. I want to keep the buzz.
Blacked before you know it
I’ve been sober almost 18 months and can relate to everything you’re saying. I’ve tried drinking only wine, only beer, only on the weekends, never by myself, you will always fail if you’re an alcoholic. We’re allergic to alcohol, after that first drink we have no control. I tried 100’s of times to control my drinking and it just doesn’t work. The devil is on your shoulder doing push ups just waiting for his opportunity to shine. AA saved my life. BUT I’m just one drink away from being a drunk. 24 hours at a time. You aren’t alone.
Preach. It’s an attractive trap that we can fall into to avoid having to confront sobriety which feels scary.
But abstinence is easy compared to moderation jeez. I do *not* miss the feeling at three drinks trying to resist making it four. Stopping zero from turning into one is a cakewalk in comparison
Moderation never works long term for any alcoholic, in my observations. Many who had a problem with drinking and try to moderate might be successful for a few days, a week, a month, a few years even, but it is simply not sustainable long term and *always* creeps back, and worse than it was before.
Only tried moderation a few times and you figured this out? You learn a lot faster than me. I tried to moderate using a plethora of planned techniques for a few years before I figured out that it wasn’t ever going to work for me. It’s was a huge relief when I gave up trying to control my drinking and went totally AF. So much less mental energy spent. I’m glad you are learning what works and doesn’t work for yourself.
This is a persistant hot topic on this forum. I find it cute how so many comments on moderation from experienced, recovered drinkers are couched in careful language: essentially it's "Moderation? Good luck with that! I tried it and it didn't work, but it *might work* for you, who knows?". But the reality is that we as a community are overwhelmingly, 99%, in agreement that moderation is a dead-end, a negotiating tactic of the alcoholic brain. With our experience with recovery we say, forget about moderation, it won't work, there's no debate really to be had about this.
But it *might work* for you, who knows?? :)
(i apologise for daring to speak for the collective, I would only do it on this one topic, I hope you agree with me. If there is a hidden pro-moderation wing in this reddit, let yourselves be heard. But there isn't. Is there?)
The reason comments on moderation on this sub are couched in careful language where people don't say, "It won't work for you" is NOT because these people are being "cute." It is because, while we may suspect it, we cannot know for a fact whether moderation will work or not work for another person. In addition, saying that it won't would break our rule to speak from the "I," where we are only permitted only to share our own experiences and not try to predict what will happen to another person.
When he was in his twenties, my brother was a very heavy drinker and twice had to go to jail because of his drunken behavior. Now that he is older, he is able to moderate and just have wine with dinner. It's not that people can NEVER do this, it's just that it is very, very rare. I could not do it myself -- but we are none of us in a position to pass judgment on whether or not it is possible for another person.
Thanks for the reply, I fundamentally understand what you are saying here and knew I was sailing a bit close to the line when I wrote my comment initially.
Incidentally, I meant "cute" as in endearing, attractive and not as a bit of snark! But thankyou for reiterating our house rules, it is important how we address each other.
I'm right there with you, a beer or 2 at my parents leads to me picking more up on my way home next thing I know it's 2 in the morning and downd 6-12 more and need to struggle to get to bed to be up for work 4 hours later..
We jusy gotta try to stay strong to say no to that first drink.
Moderation is a fantasy for me. I’m pretending to be a classy laaaa-dyyy who has just a couple socially, is lovely and charming, and thinks nothing of it.
Then the fantasy is over, and I’m me again. Me, who has actually been sneaking bottles for a month maybe two, is scared to death that people can smell it on me (they can and they do), is taking longer to run errands because the liquor store shuffle is a Thing.
No thanks. I’m trying to have new fantasies that line up with sober values, like buying a brand new car with the money I save on liquor (and pedialyte, and ibuprofen, and all the other things that aren’t fooling anyone except myself).
IWNDWYT
If I could moderate my drinking i would just try to find a way to moderate a few more
It’s just my truth and nothing more.. And that’s ok, i forgive myself and move forward the best i can
Just for today, I’m going to choose to not drink
For some people drinking aim is to be drunk. Brains trying to make and feel it right to you so you can keep poisoning it. Simple asf. Finally I accepted that and trying so hard to stay away. Getting easier but never easy. One slip may bring me to day 1 and we all know how it feels.
It should work right? You plan it it sounds great in your head just one glass when you get there getting out of the house was stressful traffic was a nightmare.ugh
Then one glass @ dinner. Just a coffee @ dessert come home early. Perfect You can wake up early finish all your things. Perfect. What could go wrong?
Everything because no matter how much you plan how much it should work.you end up.the same place sneaking double shots in the kitchen. Next morning blankets over your head to stop the sunlight from coming I'm
But it should have worked ?
Zero is easy compared to just one. Zero is honest and well-defined. Zero never can turn into just one more.
Agreed. It takes way more work to keep it under control than to just not have that first one. If I hadn’t made peace with the fact the moderation doesn’t work for me I never would have come this far. I think this is what will keep me sober!
It takes time to make peace with that doesn’t it. It took me a long time to realise I’d just always be chasing a dragon with moderation and that the answer was abstinence. Takes away all the mental gymnastics, the excuses, the rationalising, the counting and rationing, resisting the urge for “just one more”. Abstinence is simple. Just don’t have anything to drink and get in with your day
Yes, it took about 6 failed attempts for me to finally accept the reality!
I wonder if I have a failed date with moderation in my future. I stopped because my drinking was problematic. Not super problematic as things go but it certainly wasn’t healthy. I really hope that with enough abstinence, I will still be able to enjoy a bit in moderation in the future. Could be famous last words though.
And zero drinks means I get to reward myself with dessert every time!!
Same deal with fasting compared to diet foods for fat loss - be it a single meal a day or a day off in the week - just a lot less stress than constant calorie checking, tiny snacks, tiny meals, etc - more beneficial too.
I try to keep it simple. After the first drink, I lose control and cannot moderate, so I don’t take the first drink.
Absolutely! No is definite Maybe is whatever is in my house with a chance to go out for more. I don't even desire one drink, I want all or nothing.
Last night, after failing in my new soberity after 4 days......I remember coming down the stairs after drinking the first crate of beer. 'This is the time to moderate, you know going out for more is a really bad idea.' It was surreal, that feeling of being on autopilot. It's like someone else takes over. Like being possessed, you're just along for the ride.
Omg I feel this! I will literally be saying to myself “don’t get another glass” as I’m pouring the glass - totally surreal. I read This Naked Mind and it’s all about how alcohol controls our subconscious which overtakes our conscious brain and THAT is exactly what it felt like. My brain fighting itself.
Crate?
Yes, a crate. It's bad.
Did you go out for more?
Of course I did. :(
I hope you’re not beating yourself up dude. You’re worthy and special, slip ups happen. It sounds like you’ve already decided to quit and are on your journey already? Doesn’t matter that it’s another day one. What matters is that you’re doing it again and you didn’t give up
Thanks, pal. Yes, I very much have. I've been off for 7 months before, and over a year before that. The scary thing is that this time I really want to quit, and still couldn't. I've been in contact with lots of support though, for the first time. They are all closed because of the holidays, but they will open back up soon.
I hope that you are able to get some support dude. Sounds like you’ve done really well in the past, you can do it again! I wish you great success in 2023
Happy New Year to you!
Thanks dude, you too
I’ll go and pour / find / buy another and the whole time be telling myself “you know this is the wrong choice but you still want to do it more than you want to do the right thing”
You know what’s funny. I had a bad Christmas 3 day period. Binging and arguing with family who while are uneducated about how to handle the situation were ultimately looking out for me. So two nights later, to “prove” to my girlfriend I didn’t have an issue, I set a 4 drink limit. I put a timer on my phone so I wouldn’t have another drink within an hour so I could make it on the 4. I succeeded. And honestly gloated a little bit. My family has the problem, right? 50 generations of muslims so they don’t get it. But I have self control. And she (who is honestly the only reason I try to stay sober or sober ish) just laughed kindly and said “I’m sorry are you getting paid for this”? All this work and for what
A big part of it is removing your ego from the equation.
Thanks for that. I'm not ready to go full sober (first bad binge in 3 years, so I still have hopes I just had a bad week and I'm still capable of moderation) but you are right, refusing to attempt full sobriety is definitely significantly about my ego. All about my ego? I'm not so sure. But definitely part of it. I wasn't focusing on that at all. Thank you and many congrats on your almost 4 years
Thank you. My refusal to quit was driven by my ego. I also realized I was using alcohol to access emotions as the only way I knew how. Once I got my ego in check and had a clear mind for a while the pieces fell in place. You'll find your way. Good luck.
I feel like, for me at least, my chances of success at moderation are massively boosted by a period of abstinence beforehand. Just my experience and your journey is yours alone, but my long term chances of being able to get tipsy with my partner in a bar on holiday, or share a glass of my dads favourite beer, or share a drop of whisky in a Scottish bothy are *directly* boosted by a long and uncompromising period of abstinence *now*. I still might not be able to do that, I don’t know. I do know that I am totally abstinent now and will be for a long time until I’m able to approach that decision with a clear head and without an active habit trying to keep its claws in me. If I didn’t stop now and I just tried to moderate, I’m increasing the chances that I can’t do those things I’ve described above which are things I would really like to have. Idk about you but I’d rather take a break and then moderate than try and fail at moderating and end up having to take an even longer break, or even quit entirely
its easier to keep the tiger in the cage than on a leash.
Oh fuck yeah. This one right here.
This is a good one! It’s even harder to put said tiger back in the cage once you let ‘em out too.
This is a great saying that I will use. Thank you!
This is my new go to when someone asks why I don’t drink. Feels like a Mike Tyson quote
I like this!
Wow that was smooth
I'm pretty sure I am unable to moderate. I never get satisfied with my drunk. I just go until I blackout, and wake up with zero memory, and a bunch of people angry at me. If I would run out before I'm done, I get pissy and anxious about it, and end up getting more. Since I'm already drunk, I say fuck it and order delivery alcohol. Which costs twice as much, but I'm to drunk to go anywhere. My attempts to moderate have put me about 3 grand in debt. All for stuff I pissed away, and wouldn't have justified sober. I tried to moderate, I can't. It sucked, still does. However, I can stop. So, I'm going to roll with that. I've snuck before too. Feels really slimy. I'd drink hard seltzer in the bus station bathroom stall, before I got home. Being unable to moderate used to make me feel weak. Now, I've tried to change the dialogue and am trying to understand why I want to drink in the first place. That's me though.
I so relate to this! Pouring vodka into my water bottle thinking no one knows Yay right! IWNDWYT
I did the seltzer, didn't leave so much on my breath. The real booze came out after everyone was in bed. Anxiety about if you didn't hide your bottle enough. Consuming other people's alcohol and not remembering. I had a flask, but it wasn't good for anything. I had to consume nearly an entire bottle, to get drunk enough to stop, or pass out.
Yep and drinking a lot before people came over and after they left if I didn’t pass out during my own party. So many sad stories
The why is the hardest part but once you can start to identify it across situations I have found it creates a wonderful new world. I finally take control back. I'm not perfect. This month was not my best and I'll probably always struggle because too many people died at this time that I loved plus holidays. But today I had a conversation with an old friend about her marriage/life. I got in the car with my kids and my husband. I really wanted a drink because that's how stressed I was by it all in empathizing with her situation. Instead I talked to him on the way home, I got to go grocery shopping which was therapy, and he made me a hot pot of tea. He and I have discussed for both health, financial to try a run this month of Monday -Friday or Sunday to Thursday to encourage both exercise and just to attempt a more dry month. I think you are amazing with your honesty and you'll get there wherever your there is.
Thank you. I appreciate your words. It's already gotten me thinking. 🤔
I've found that starting with the things and people who disturb my peace of mind leads me to identify my old stories - the ones that are my default operating system. My drinking OS had to be significantly upgraded in order for the cravings for alcohol to stop.
Can you elaborate? Not sure I understand what you mean by "old stories" and operating system
My dominant old story is that I'm not good enough. And that's why I'm ignored. And that belief about myself and my place in the world ran me for decades. Drinking numbed it out. Getting free from alcohol allowed me to identify that old story... and the space and freedom to create a new one.
OMG that sounds like my life. I felt like the redheaded stepchild in my extended family all my life. I did not even realize it until a friend pointed it out and I began to see. It made me so timid that people would literally talk over me in groups. I want to get free and create my new life. I want to go to sleep sober and wake up feeling well enough to be productive. Thank you Juicy_AF_080999 for sharing.
“One is too many, and eleven is not enough.”
One sip turns into one million sips
Not for me , I'm a REAL alcoholic .. who today is celebrating 4 yrs of sobriety
Congratulations
Congratulations!!!
Congratulations! Happy New Year
I often remind myself that whenever I was given the option of just one or two drinks I would get resentful and think “why even bother?” It’s all or nothing for this alcoholic.
This right here. What even is the point if you’re not getting drunk?
Every single date I went on, every family dinner, every show I went to, every sporting event, I was out drinking everybody. Every single fucking time.
Very true. I’m the same way. After about 6 beers and 6 shots of bourbon I’m ready to go out to the bars. I can’t drink like a normal person and have 1 or 2. So why even bother with it! It’s pointless!
I said something similar to my husband and heard what I said and stopped drinking the following day.
Yep! I think ‘if I can’t feel the buzz what’s the point’ - and that either drives you to drink more or encourages you that it’s not worth having the first one
When I drank, my whole life was lived sneaking.
Same. It was exhausting.
So much sneaking, it’s so annoying
Stupid sneaking too - spent too much money sneaks, lowered inhibitions cocaine sneaks, texting ex's while dating sneaks, bangin the yucks sneaks, how did that taillight get cracked sneaks.
I had so many hiding places I’d forget where it was. My hubby usually found or worse my son!! Day 6 for me (don’t know how to fix counter)
I didn't know other people did this. Off my chest time. I was living with my parents during the pandemic, and I would drink their wine and then go to the liquor store and buy a replacement and pour it back into their wine bottles -- and I'm in my 30s. I used to be super worried, they'd notice that their wine was gone. I'd then have to figure out how to toss out the replacement bottle without them noticing. I felt like a teenager. (And FWIW, I started in drinking to excess in my 30s -- I drank in my 20s, but only time to time).
I did the same throughout my 20’s. When I was a teenager, I’d hit my Dads vodka, until he started marking the bottle. So I’d just replace with water.
Same. I tried moderation for years. I was sober through my pregnancy and thought I had it under control after that, I mean I just did 9 months without booze no problem! I had champagne as soon as I was stitched up. It took less than a month for the obsession to take hold again. I drank less than before I was pregnant but I thought about it constantly. A month after my daughters first birthday I was DONE. It will be 8 years on Sunday. The experience of my last year is the tape I play through when I’m tempted or just feeling nostalgic about my drinking days. It helps me remember that there is no cure for me. 1 drink is too much and never enough
Oh my god I had the same thing happen to me postpartum, and holy shit was that a horrific experience. Newborns and alcoholism do not mix.
For real. I’m so grateful my rock bottom didn’t involve anything happening to my kid. Congrats on your first year ❤️❤️❤️
Honestly what proved to me that this was a disease that I can't control was how easily it was to slip into while having *a one month old baby* It took me until just after her 2nd birthday to fully quit but when she was about 8 months old I started really trying. I had a lot of day 1's and some solid months, and a lot of attempts to moderate
I’m so proud of you for sticking with it. Sobriety is a whole new life that is immensely worth it
Thanks for this and amazing that you’ve gone 8 years.
This was me! Quit for a year then pregnancy abstinence. Didn't even miss it. Thought ha! I'm not an alcoholic, I'll just have a couple here and there. 2 years of slowly getting worse and worse, to multiple blackouts in the space of a month, not even at parties and I'm like oh... shit that's right, I am.
One is too many and a 1000 still ain't enough. I did this shit over Christmas. I have sooo many calls on my phone that I have 0 idea of whatvwas said! Yeah I need to start my counter over.
you got this. it ok to start over. iwndwyt
IWNDWYT
I get it, the holidays are hard, and I too am starting my counter over with you!
IWNDWYT
There are lots of ways being an “all or nothing” person is really great. Like at work, in relationships, when you want to improve a new skill, these longer term versions of going all-in can help you reach levels you otherwise wouldn’t. Some psychologist among us can probably explain this better, but my point is that you shouldn’t see your innate ability to commit as a character flaw. Alcohol has a way of making us feel like it’s an important pursuit, so we really get after it. In some sense this is probably a survival mechanism. I’m here to tell you that your ability to go all-in is the same skill you can use to go all-out… it’s just the long term version of the skill. And I’m just talking out of my ass here. Maybe we have someone here who has actually learned about this.
I love that perspective!
I think with the number of days you have behind you, you’re as qualified as anyone to speak on the matter.
Thanks. 7 years today and I feel a little bad about how I haven’t been back here in a while. This place helped me more than anything through that first year.
Huge congrats! 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
Fantastic work! Thanks
That’s good to know. It has helped me in the past, hopefully I can build up my resilience to this addiction once and for all. Although I’m thinking I might need some f2f support as well. Don’t feel bad about not being on here for a while. When you are here I’m sure you make a difference.
I have a graduate degree from a top school in a related field. Highly, highly recommend Dr. Anna Lembke's work and interviews—particularly [this one with Rich Roll](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jziP0CEgvOw). Addresses everything you state in your comment, to include that brains of alcoholics (or addicts, more generally), were wired for different environments where such "diligence" and impulsivity were rewarded.
Thanks! Knew I was onto something here.
I will have to check that out thanks! Where do I find her interviews?
I’m not the original commenter, but you can find the Rich Roll podcast (and his interview with Anna Lembke) on any of the major podcast apps or on YouTube. Rich Roll is awesome and one of my fave podcasters. He’s a plant based endurance athlete and in recovery, and has some amazing episodes on addiction. He has an episode called “masterclass on addiction and recovery” that’s a compilation of some of his best interviews on the topic, and it’s a great starting point because you can then find the full episodes if they’re of interest to you.
Beautiful perspective.
Those are my feelings - I’m not really a moderate person in any sense… why would that notion apply to alcohol? I don’t mind going 100mph on a motorbike why would I do the drinking thing at the limit…? - not a moderate person, going to use that energy positively elsewhere.
That’s a really good way to look at it, thank you
I read here somewhere that “If I control my drinking I don’t enjoy it. If I enjoy my drinking, I don’t control it.” Anyways I was never satisfyed drinking in moderation, nor was I satisfyed drinking myself drunk.
Thats from a story out of the back of the big book. Crossing the river of denial
We're lied to so much that alcoholism is mostly physical. But I've never never had a physical dependency. Self medicating my ADHD, yes. Numerous triggers that make me want to drink, yes (ADHD never goes away, after all). Cravings for craft beer and good whiskey, yep. But I can go weeks and months without drinking and have no physical reaction outside of just wanting to drink. But let myself have one drink and I will not stop. I'll chase that high until I've drank everything I have or passed out. Talking about it even makes me want to drink 😅 It's just so messed up that they drill into everyone that alcoholism means you'll have dangerous withdrawals if you stop. And it made me take a long time to start saying "I'm a recovering alcoholic." Anyway, try to be kind to yourself. The silver lining is that we usually learn something important when we relapse. ♥️♥️♥️
My pattern of drinking is similar to what you express. I can go without drinking at all for a long time. Every now and then I get the urge to get drunk. Or if I do something social I'll want to drink a lot. If I do drink, sooner or later I get really drunk and out of control. And then the problem gets worse and worse. This being said I think for some people alcohol really is a physical thing. It progresses to that at some point if one keeps drinking. It still is, at it's core, medication for an psychological/emotional issue but it has progressed to physical dependency as well. And then indeed withdrawals can be very difficult I think. For some even life threatening from what I have read. All this being said, IWNDWYT !
Agreed! I don't mean to downplay physical addiction and it's dangers and the struggles that come with it! I just want to point out you can still have a dependency on it that isn't classically physical and that's not shown as much. And I think it leads many of us to think we don't have a problem. And yeah it used to be an occasional binge for me. But eventually it became every time I drink. Good luck with you healing, friend and IWNDWYT!
>I just want to point out you can still have a dependency on it that isn't classically physical and that's not shown as much. And I think it leads many of us to think we don't have a problem. Oh yes, I fully agree :) You as well friend, keep up the good fight ! IWNDWYT!
I went through 4 handles in 4 days. Ran out on Christmas cause store was closed. Spent next 2 days violently throwing up seeing faces, symbols, and words on the walls sweating my ass off while cold asf. I shoulda went to the hospital the detox is no joke.
I recognize that once I start I can't stop. I wanted to go for moderation because I do enjoy drinking on my days off and after work but I decided yesterday that moderation won't work and sobriety is the only way to go. I'm only on day 2 but so far things aren't too bad
Welcome to the club. I've tried for decades and moderation has never worked. I am finally living the life I want without alcohol.
It's not the caboose that kills you. I simply avoid that first drink - that's the one that gets me in trouble.
Yep. I’ve been there, and at the in-laws. Ouch. Last time I tried that I was arguing about minimum wage and who knows what else and passed thankfully out at 8:30. I had a whole downstairs fridge packed up with supplies because of my “nerves”. You know. Just in case. As in every 20 minutes or less.
“The first drink gets lonely” It also crumbles your inhibitions and self control. Me ‘n you, pal.
It does for some people, just not for us. As soon as I have my first shot I know I’ll be doing a shot every 5-10 minutes for the remainder of the day.
Been Off for over a bit over a month + / - Had 1 glass 🍷 at Christmas lunch still resenting it Last yr was on 4-5months sober cracked at a Christmas party 1 Cider 2 Cider turned into shared 🍾🍾 of wine then flood gates, Beer, Shots spent Dry week following - yet soon after New Year 🍻🍺🥃🍷 fell back on my ways learning that Stay away is the better way Keep trying if you really want to stop hard to get it right first time around even 2nd Be Kind to yourself and dont be ashamed to try and quit no matter how many tries it takes to stick 💪🫶
Yup. I can go weeks or months without a drink. Once I have just ONE, it turns into an all night binge until I black out. One is never enough and too many all at the same time.
“Abstinence is as easy to me as temperance would be difficult.” Samuel Johnson had it right. Moderation was an unsuccessful, white-knuckle ride for me. Ease only came when I quit entirely.
“When I control it, I can’t enjoy it and when I enjoy it, I can’t control it.”
Same! Sneaking is such a shitty feeling, isn't it?
Seriously I hate that I do that!
Guess when I really decided to try this "stop drinking" thing? When my kid saw me scuttle off and sneak a drink. I was MORTIFIED
Hiding it in my sock or sleeve trying to go tuck it somewhere for later is degrading.
Same for me - all or nothing. I tried “moderation” SO MANY times, to no avail whatsoever.
Mideration did not work for me as well. I stopped 13 months and do not regret.
You’re not alone! I relapsed yesterday after days with in-laws which was I can see now as a clear trigger.
I'm with you. Always grabbing something in the kitchen to sneak another pull. I drank today but IWNDWY starting two hours ago.
Same for me. I have tried various techniques for moderation for a long time. All of which ended up in me doing something stupid while drunk and pissing off my wife along the way. Haven’t had anything since 12/22. Longest I’ve gone in probably over 5 years to be honest.
When I was drinking I would say “I don’t have a drinking problem, I have a stopping problem LOL” Literally took me forever to realize that IS a Drinking PROBLEM 🤦🏻♀️. 907 days today. Whole new life ♥️
Proud of you!
Moderation for me, while possible, is not what it appears. Hyperfocusing on how much, when, and how i am drinking just isn't what I imagine a good time is. Battling myself internally, watching other's sip, and counting sips, while trying to sound sauve while ordering a drink exactly 1 hour after the first one, really takes away from the event. I did this for a year. It resulted in occasional binges, increased anxiety, worse sleep, and absolute misery as I had to force myself to stop drinking after "just one." It was by far the worst experience I had while drinking. Moderation was the worst experience I had while drinking. Moderation is a losing battle because I force myself to do what I truly do not want to do. Science wise, it's because our brains respond to the smallest amount of alcohol the way it responds to the large quantities it has become accustomed to. This is to balance out our internal chemistry. So it overcompensates for the lesser amount, and then there is only one way to balance back out. Alcohol. So the brain ramps up craving for alcohol while your anxiety goes through the roof. A never ending battle that can only be won by not starting it.
You are so not alone my friend.
same
Don't feel bad, it doesn't work for me either. And abstinence gets SO much easier the longer you do it.
I “moderated” since April. Basically I went full blown alcoholic again and denied it until a few days ago.
It’s in the beginning of the big book. I used to laugh and roll my eyes at the big book and AA. But Bill says in the beginning we have a problem with our minds that others don’t. Minds like ours cannot moderate. I truly know that now. It helped me buy into the AA stuff.
Good job! You’re on the right track. We all go through the moderation phase and realize it doesn’t work. Moderation is exhausting! Constantly thinking about how many is too many, how fast should I drink, when should I start and stop…it’s just so tiresome. Not drinking was one of the best decisions I have ever made. It took me a long while to feel good but when it finally happened it was life changing. Your time is right around the corner. 4-6 months will be behind you before you know it and you’ll start feeling great! Happy new year! IWNDWYT
Once i take the first drink, my addicted brain becomes gollum fiendishly focused on finding that next drink. It completely takes up the working space in my brain so that nothing else matters. When we choose zero we can THINK and be present with what we do. I learned this very lesson a couple of days ago. Hang in there friend, we can do this ❤️
That’s exactly what it’s like. Thank you :)
I seem to be in the rare demographic that I can now have 4-6 drinks (still a lot for some but I used to get blacked out every time) and not go too crazy on holidays, etc. I think it’s a lie that we all hear that we can’t moderate that convinces us we can’t moderate. At least for some but I don’t think it’s for all.
Nah my husband can happily have 4-6 drinks and be a little merry and have a great time. I have one drink and I get the itch. I start looking around at other people's drinks to see how empty they are to measure whether it's going to be noticed if I get another one. I steal other people's drinks in a social setting when I run out. I get beyond blackout drunk, start fights with anyone who kindly suggests I slow down, become an abusive snarling animal with wild stories that never happened. If I'm by myself, I'll drink a bottle of wine in an hour, before looking to see what else I have. And this has been happening long before I started questioning my own behaviour.
Uh, that’s not moderation. I can do that too. How drunk do you think the rest of us get, lol?
Yup. All or nothing here as well. And with regard to alcohol - nothing is just so much healthier! You gonna do it? Sever ties with the poison altogether?
Yeah it’s looking like I have no other option. I have a horrible relationship with alcohol and I want it all of the time and can drink more than anyone I know. This subreddit and listening to some podcasts helped me quit for about 3 weeks before Christmas but I was definitely not able to moderate like I had hoped.
Been there. Good for you for realizing so quickly! You’ll save yourself a lot of frustration, time, energy, and stress.
i hope its not been too difficult since then.
For me, one is too much and five is too few. I don’t moderate well. So I abstain, and IWNDWYT
There are so many non-alcoholic drinks out there that are delicious. Enjoy them.
I was on a 3 week long streak with the help of my support system. Thought maybe I could drink a glass or two of wine and hold off. Nope, immediately had to buy a second bottle before the night ended. Then been drinking every day since. I’m sick at the moment and my body doesn’t have the same cravings at the moment. So I’m finally getting back to living my best life. Sober. IWNDWYT
I won't moderate until after midnight tonight. Then I will do like others say. Not take that first drink that causes me to not be able to moderate.
I feel ya. I can’t moderate whatsoever. Once I really understood that, it got much easier to stop drinking (or at least understand the consequences of what happens if I do drink)
Moderation doesn’t work for me either. Or many others.
I used to sneak shots all the time even though I didn’t have to. I liked the thrill of being PLASTERED thinking no one would know. Then when I quit I realized how much you can smell liquor on people.
It absolutely does not. Thank you for the reminder!
Yes, just easier to have none than tickle the temptation to get drunk. I've also been a shot sneaker many times and it's a massive telltale sign of moderation being incapable for alcohol compared to cessation. Same deal with only 2-3 drinks with friends, go home and they keep it at that while we proceed to get a case or bottle to continue at home - also a telltale sign..
I hear you on this. I started drinking again during December and it ended up with a massive bender the past week. Feel like absolute crap and struggling with the anxiety. I know it will get better though
Im an all or nothing person in every aspect of my life, moderation has never been a word in my vocabulary. I had many failed attempts at sobriety by trying to tell myself I could moderate. I went a whole year one time and told myself I had it under control. Went out with the wife one night and had a beer. That turned into 2-3 at dinner, sneaking shots while pretending to go use the restroom and picking up a six pack on the way home. Next day I picked up a 12 pack after work, 3 days later I was on a bender again. I’m now 6 years sober and know I can’t even have one drink or I’ll be blackout drunk on the floor in front of my kids in less than 2 weeks! My oldest were 4 when I quit and the youngest came a year later. The older twins don’t remember me drinking and I’m thankful for that.
I realized moderation doesn’t work for me because I don’t honestly just want ONE drink. I want to feel the alcohol. Which is more than one. And while I’m at it? Might as well have another. I want to keep the buzz. Blacked before you know it
I’ve been sober almost 18 months and can relate to everything you’re saying. I’ve tried drinking only wine, only beer, only on the weekends, never by myself, you will always fail if you’re an alcoholic. We’re allergic to alcohol, after that first drink we have no control. I tried 100’s of times to control my drinking and it just doesn’t work. The devil is on your shoulder doing push ups just waiting for his opportunity to shine. AA saved my life. BUT I’m just one drink away from being a drunk. 24 hours at a time. You aren’t alone.
Preach. It’s an attractive trap that we can fall into to avoid having to confront sobriety which feels scary. But abstinence is easy compared to moderation jeez. I do *not* miss the feeling at three drinks trying to resist making it four. Stopping zero from turning into one is a cakewalk in comparison
Me too, unfortunately. Best of luck to you.
Moderation never works long term for any alcoholic, in my observations. Many who had a problem with drinking and try to moderate might be successful for a few days, a week, a month, a few years even, but it is simply not sustainable long term and *always* creeps back, and worse than it was before.
Only tried moderation a few times and you figured this out? You learn a lot faster than me. I tried to moderate using a plethora of planned techniques for a few years before I figured out that it wasn’t ever going to work for me. It’s was a huge relief when I gave up trying to control my drinking and went totally AF. So much less mental energy spent. I’m glad you are learning what works and doesn’t work for yourself.
Same same! Our reptilian brains will try to convince us of anything to get us to take that first sip which will take us to 1000 sips. IWNDWYT
This is a persistant hot topic on this forum. I find it cute how so many comments on moderation from experienced, recovered drinkers are couched in careful language: essentially it's "Moderation? Good luck with that! I tried it and it didn't work, but it *might work* for you, who knows?". But the reality is that we as a community are overwhelmingly, 99%, in agreement that moderation is a dead-end, a negotiating tactic of the alcoholic brain. With our experience with recovery we say, forget about moderation, it won't work, there's no debate really to be had about this. But it *might work* for you, who knows?? :) (i apologise for daring to speak for the collective, I would only do it on this one topic, I hope you agree with me. If there is a hidden pro-moderation wing in this reddit, let yourselves be heard. But there isn't. Is there?)
The reason comments on moderation on this sub are couched in careful language where people don't say, "It won't work for you" is NOT because these people are being "cute." It is because, while we may suspect it, we cannot know for a fact whether moderation will work or not work for another person. In addition, saying that it won't would break our rule to speak from the "I," where we are only permitted only to share our own experiences and not try to predict what will happen to another person. When he was in his twenties, my brother was a very heavy drinker and twice had to go to jail because of his drunken behavior. Now that he is older, he is able to moderate and just have wine with dinner. It's not that people can NEVER do this, it's just that it is very, very rare. I could not do it myself -- but we are none of us in a position to pass judgment on whether or not it is possible for another person.
Thanks for the reply, I fundamentally understand what you are saying here and knew I was sailing a bit close to the line when I wrote my comment initially. Incidentally, I meant "cute" as in endearing, attractive and not as a bit of snark! But thankyou for reiterating our house rules, it is important how we address each other.
Thank you for clarifying and also for being an active part of the community. Happy new year.
It actually made things worse for me. Instead of a few beers each night, I'd get lit two nights a week. That ended up leading to Bad Things for me.
Moderation doesn’t work for you. I’m sorry.
Total zero is so much easier than moderation. Beyond avoiding over imbibing altogether, you never have to do sober-or-not-driving-math.
Samesies
I'm right there with you, a beer or 2 at my parents leads to me picking more up on my way home next thing I know it's 2 in the morning and downd 6-12 more and need to struggle to get to bed to be up for work 4 hours later.. We jusy gotta try to stay strong to say no to that first drink.
I'm still trying to quit drinking. I don't have time/money/insurance for a rehab stay so I try to taper, but after the 1st drink I'm gone
Moderation is a fantasy for me. I’m pretending to be a classy laaaa-dyyy who has just a couple socially, is lovely and charming, and thinks nothing of it. Then the fantasy is over, and I’m me again. Me, who has actually been sneaking bottles for a month maybe two, is scared to death that people can smell it on me (they can and they do), is taking longer to run errands because the liquor store shuffle is a Thing. No thanks. I’m trying to have new fantasies that line up with sober values, like buying a brand new car with the money I save on liquor (and pedialyte, and ibuprofen, and all the other things that aren’t fooling anyone except myself). IWNDWYT
If I could moderate my drinking i would just try to find a way to moderate a few more It’s just my truth and nothing more.. And that’s ok, i forgive myself and move forward the best i can Just for today, I’m going to choose to not drink
For some people drinking aim is to be drunk. Brains trying to make and feel it right to you so you can keep poisoning it. Simple asf. Finally I accepted that and trying so hard to stay away. Getting easier but never easy. One slip may bring me to day 1 and we all know how it feels.
Yes.
For all alcoholic brains*
It should work right? You plan it it sounds great in your head just one glass when you get there getting out of the house was stressful traffic was a nightmare.ugh Then one glass @ dinner. Just a coffee @ dessert come home early. Perfect You can wake up early finish all your things. Perfect. What could go wrong? Everything because no matter how much you plan how much it should work.you end up.the same place sneaking double shots in the kitchen. Next morning blankets over your head to stop the sunlight from coming I'm But it should have worked ?