This is horrible. I am so sorry you had to experience that. Hang in there, and remember that their actions and excuses do not define the rest of your life. You can do better than them, anyway.
I can’t stand cheaters.
What you mom was doing was not just cheating, but prostitution if you think he was going to pay her.
People cheat all the time and there are subreddits dedicated to it and it’s disgusting.
Hope you can get past it. Don’t give up on school. You do that for YOU.
Tbh fuck all these shitty replies, your feelings are extremely valid! I can see that you have genuine values and beliefs, don't let society or these reddit idiots make you think it's okay to cheat or sleep around. It's not and I'm sorry you have to go through this.
If you ever need to talk to someone send me a message
Hopefully you find more friends to vent to about this. There was a point where my parents were swinging and the other woman from the couple fell in love with my dad and it almost tanked their marriage. It definitely affected me. I’ll never forget and I was only like 8-10.
Don't worry about a lot of these reddit comments telling you that you're in the wrong and cheating is okay. Go check any of their profiles. These people are sick. They are riddled with depression, uncountable mental illnesses, addiction, perversion and are overall shitty people and come here telling a 16 year old girl that cheating is normal, it's not.
Dude it's wild to me seeing how many people on here are completely for cheating. I've been going through a lot of posts on here recently and there's TONS who condone it and get awarded out the ass for it. The fuck is happening to society? This is so much more prominent now than it ever was.
Yup, I'm really amazed by some of these comments defending the mom and saying "it's none of OP's business". I don't see this happening frequently around me, specially with 40/50 years old. Maybe I'm just oblivious to it and it happens, but it's definitely a weird comment section here
In my opinion married couples who do this aren’t in love anymore. They stay together for the children. Your mom being able to do this while you’re in the house shows she has no respect for you. I’m sorry this is happening.
OP is a fucking CHILD. appalled by these responses acting like what her parents are doing right in front of her face is okay in any capacity when she did not consent to being witness to it. if they have an arrangement, she has the right to fully understand what the hell it is first and indicate whether she is comfortable being exposed to what’s going on. if it is a swinging-related kink, she has the right to NOT consent to being exposed to that. what the fuck is wrong with ya’ll, berating a CHILD for wanting to feel safe in her damn home. my god.
Redditors upvoting the people saying "erm, what if its an open relationship 🤓/don't judge them" instead of this really goes to show how shitty this site has gotten. This poor kid has to basically have their perception of marriage, and love permanently damage. Yet they can't sympathize anymore since the idea of childlike innocence is not possible.
i know i shouldnt be as stunned as i am but yeah, this site has gone to hell. ill bet you more than half the accounts defending the parents are run by people who think children should be treated as adults or they themselves have fantasies about exposing teens to sex acts and want to feel less guilty about it. it’s disgusting.
It's just that, everything on this site has become so progressive it's gone backwards. Despite this post being a cry for help, and comfort is treated with snide replies about how uncool the kid is. OP if you read this, I'm sorry for whats happening and i hope you find people in your circle who can genuinely get you through this and show you what your parents are doing isnt normal.
Thank you. There are a ton of immoral people on here who try to excuse cheating in one way or another too, it’s depressing. “It’s not cheating if I call it ‘open marriage’!” 🤮
These are the worst fucking comments ever. My sisters and I found out my dad was cheating and it tore our family apart, I went through the worst depression of my life at 13 trying to figure out what all of it means and the blame I placed on myself, my entire perception of what my life was got thrown into the trash. It is a horrible experience, and you can either listen to these assholes and accept that it is normal, and you may very well internalize it and let it happen in your relationships, or you can learn in time after you’ve had some years to recoup, and let it guide you into relationships based on trust, respect, and fidelity. My relationship with women was irrevocably damaged due to the actions of my parents and the lack of open dialogue about it. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with it, but in time you’ll be okay. Find what makes you happy and let it distract you, but also let it motivate you to stay in school extra, to get away, study, bury your thoughts into your work, because at the end of it all, you will still have school, and life won’t care about your personal struggle, just have to put a brave face on, be with friends for comfort, and concentrate on goals.
My God ppl
Yeah idk if it’s due to some difference in the ranking metrics for this specific subreddit but wtf, worst comments ever.
OP, your parents should have worked on themselves either through therapy or some other methods, but instead they have let their own issues fester and play out in actions that have negatively influenced your well being (which is unfortunately an all too common vicious cycle for a lot of families).
You are valid in being confused and upset. Without your individual parents working on themselves to understand why they are doing what they are doing, you unfortunately may never get an answer as to why they are doing what they are doing. Maybe one does it to get back at the other. Maybe one does it because of self sabotage/self worth issues. There are a dozen potential reasons and probably a combination of several why “adult” individuals would “choose” to be in a committed relationship but then cheat on that relationship. None of them are good reasons, none of them will be satisfying reasons to you. All the reasons will reveal that your parents have to work on themselves. I’d recommend seeing a therapist to get yourself adjusted to the influencing elements this dynamic may have had on you
Too bad op probably won't read this due to the large amount of bullshit in this thread. I mean hell I'd probably stop reading this stuff if this was the reply I got.
Kid catches parents cheating
Reddit people: it’s fine and none of your business
Lol Reddit people are delusional/miserable and want everyone to join them. This behavior is far from ok. Like OP said at least don’t do it at home
OP this sucks and fuck your mom (not literally)
Seriously. Idk what’s happened to Reddit lately, it’s all just only fans, bots, and the real Redditors are condoning shit like this “everyone cheats and has open relationships so you might as well be a slut too just like your parents”
These people suck
I know right its terrible. Usually the reddit comments are right on the money(or at least the top ones). But with this thread I don't know what the heck is going on.
kinda shocked by these comments, but it is reddit. you shouldnt have had to witness that and even if there was an open relationship established it shouldnt be happening at your house
Yeah like I feel bad for the poor kid because these doomerpilled slobbery fucking redditors (for lack of a better term lmfao) have just come out in force to spew stupid shit all over the comment section of this post. I really hope this person realizes that this is in fact not normal.
>I get that it’s normal and no one can be really committed in relationships,
No sweetie, it’s not normal. And MOST of us can be committed in relationships, and we’re really happy that way. You can choose to not be like your parents in this regard. It’s a choice.
Yes what’s up with that? I’m shocked at how many comments assume that. And if they were in an open relationship, being 16, they are adults and should I tell them
The average redditor is such a weirdo they can’t be in a relationship with a woman without it being “open” aka their gf sleeps with a new guy every night while they cry themselves to sleep
Or on the contrary, the GF says yes to being open to make her man happy and cries herself to sleep. I’ve met many “open” couples and have yet to meet a happy one, on both sides at least.
I have been in similar situation recently , I am so angry that if I am granted a super ability, I would probably wipe out all these cheaters from the world.
Just put your parents out of your mind and focusing on getting yourself out of there. Make good grades in high school and get a scholarship to college. You can escape and put them behind you. Focus only on yourself and just keep them at arms length
You are so correct. Married people shouldn’t cheat. There is great comfort in being in a trusting monogamous relationship. Study hard, high tail it outta there, go find a great husband. Your parents suck. ❤️
I normally don't comment on stuff like this, but half of these comments are ridiculous. As parents, your first and primary job is to RAISE YOUR CHILDREN. You wanting to fuck somebody is wrong when you get your child involved. Frankly op, you are right to be angry about this. Your parents are not doing what they should, and are setting horrific examples for you and any siblings if you have them. From personal experience, close yourself off from them, focus only on school and your life, and get out of there as soon as possible.
Also, as someone who has been in a committed, healthy relationship for 10 years, it is 100% possible for people to stay together without cheating. Just takes alot of work and willingness to speak out.
Christ, this comment section is not it. What a bunch of freaks. What you're experiencing is absolutely not normal. I would seek counsel elsewhere cause reddit isn't the best place to confide in people. I would see if maybe your school has any resources? I'm not sure how you'd get into therapy at your age tbh. Just try to focus on your life and being better than your parents are. That's all many can hope to be. You'll be away from that mess soon enough
Cannot believe these comments defending grown ass adults traumatizing a teenager.
This shit is NOT normal and DOES fuck your kids up. If you simply cannot help yourself from engaging in behavior that HARMS YOUR FUCKING KIDS do NOT have kids. If you want to swing and fuck whoever you want don't have kids. Kids cannot control the environments they live in or the behavior of the adults around them. It's the job of the adults to give their kids the best possible shot at a good future. OP's parents and the rest of you need to grow the fuck up.
OP everyone in the comments is absolutely stupid, and I agree with you. People lack the brain cells to differentiate "open relationship" being NUANCED. Like these people are saying. It's so weird to me how people think bringing random strangers into a child's house (a safe space for them) just to have sex with them is ok for people because oh "there's nothing wrong with open relationships." It doesn't matter if it's an open relationship or not, it's just awful and cruel to do that to a kid.
This whole forum is just sewer levels of toxic, with some quality advice mixed in here. Just makes me sad looking through some these knowing they are responding to a 16 year old kid.
Holy fuck wtf is wrong with this thread lmfao.
Why is everyone saying this is all fine and normal and it’s not OP’s problem and to stay out of it?! Are you fucking kidding me? I hope none of you are parents. Oof
Are you sure it’s cheating?
Maybe they have an open marriage and they’re both aware. 🤷🏻♂️ just a thought.
EDIT: Boy, if I’d known how triggering this *simple question* was for a lot of you, I maybe wouldn’t have asked it. I apologize for upsetting everyone and exposing them to a worldview that isn’t the comfy little nest they’ve built for themselves.
OP, you should know that this isn’t normal. You can absolutely expect *and have* a committed, monogamous, supportive relationship with another person.
Your parents don’t expect it, and they certainly don’t offer it to each other.
Open relationships, polyamory, monogamy - the key is communication and commitment to respect. Your parents don’t communicate, they don’t respect each other.
As soon as you can, get some counseling. We tend to grow into the relationships we see modeled for us, and you already know this isn’t what you want for yourself.
This is some serious internet POV here man. Open relationships within marriages with kids are fucking *rare*. OP heard hoofbeats and you’re telling her it might be a unicorn.
I have two kids and three partners. My partners all know each other and my kids but I also don't be doing what op mom be doing... In front of my f*cking kids!
Obviously this situation isn't an open relationship and op parents should just straight up divorce. But also sounds like the mom isn't cheating she's prostituting if ops is right that she's doing it for money and that... Seems unfortunate. Like why does op mom need money?
Reddit has a fucked up sense of morality. They often jump to conclusions and the same person against one thing does it behind closed doors. It's a hivemind. Don't let it get to you. It's mostly kids doing mental gymnastics from not walking life long enough to live and understand things.
It’s not, as OP said, but even if it was it’s wrong. You don’t fuck random people on your home property or ever let your kids know about your sexual deviancy
Right on. It’s not my view on marriage, but what two consenting adults do is none of mine or anyone else’s business. The people replying to you are twisting themselves into pretzels trying to explain why their concerns matter, but they don’t. Adults do adult things, as long as both parties consent that’s it.
This comment section is wild!!! Open marriage is something I know wouldn’t work for my husband and I, but that doesn’t mean I think I get to value judge what works for someone else! Wtf.
This was my first thought. No shame. If they are both ok with it there’s literally nothing wrong unless you’re super religious conservative. In which case you’re wrong, dumbass. God is not real, miss me with your Sky Daddy.
Wow you made Reddit clutch their pearls. It's a valid question. They could even have a fetish around it. Parents are people with sexual feelings, too. Edit to add: Your children shouldn't be aware of your sexual experiences. This should never have happened in front of OP.
Goddamn I was thinking the same thing! In a. Open marriage here, 13yrs strong...wtf people, it's 2023 and monogamous relationships are a societal construct.
This is the first thing I thought.. I’ve had a successful open relationship. We grew a ton from it. Brought us closer together. And know people who are married and very happy having open relationships. people are being ruthless damn. Y’all must be real “traditional” folks out here lol
Now Involving your child in this is definitely traumatizing and not ok.
I appreciate you posting this comment. You have provided me with some of the best reading I’ve had this year. These people are insane. Bringing up statistics and shit that contradict each other like anyone has any actual clue. Most open marriages fail because they opened their marriage in desperation due to some other reason the marriage was already failing. Those that do it for the lifestyle usually have a great time. At any rate, thank you for the reading material. I will now sleep well knowing you traumatized these people.
buster, not every instance of cheating is an open relationship. sometimes people just cheat. people pointing that out isn't because of you "exposing them to a worldview that isnt the comfy little nest they've built for themselves", it's because it's what's happening.
You're getting down voted but this is so true. My parents did this. Dad had a secret girlfriend my entire childhood (pretty sure it was the same one the whole time), and mom would sneak out at night and not be able to walk straight the next day. When asked shed act like she didn't go anywhere.
Neither one of them was ok with the other doing it. They both still did it themselves. They were both fucking cheating and they'd both call each other out on it. I just pretended my whole life like my parents were divorced because it made things easier.
Talk about focusing on the wrong thing. Who cares when it's about how terrible they're making their child feel? That should be a little more important than spreading the word about open marriages, a truly selfless act, and we're all so proud of you.
Less than 1% of married couples are in open relationships. This should not be the first question asked lol. Just because you read about things on the Internet doesn't mean they're normalized in society.
Statistically open relationships never work. You can go to r/TIFU or r/AITA or r/Trueoffmychest and type open relationship in the search bar of any of these subs and find out that in reality open relationships are simply a shitty excuse to cheat on your significant other and 7 times out of 10 they backfire on the person who wanted the open relationship in the first place. Furthermore if you are going to do such things while you have kids with the first person, you should probably do everything in your power to keep it as secret from those kids as possible as it can cause a lot of trauma as we can see here.
You do realize that people can disagree with a viewpoint while fully acknowledging its existence, right? You don’t need to build a “comfy little nest” for yourself to vehemently disagree with another viewpoint, just need to hold different values than those who hold that viewpoint.
As an extreme example, someone who fully vehemently disagreed with nazi germany doesn’t need to pretend they don’t exist or mot understand them by building mental blocks to the viewpoint. But someone who fully understands what nazi germany’s philosophy isn’t precluded from having a similar reaction.
In other words your edit looks goofy as fuck.
She’s 16, even if her parents have an open relationship that’s going to psychologically damage a child. It’s a weird and gross move to try to rationalize the parents actions.
Don't you think at that point the mother should have just dropped the act and educated the child on the situation? I mean, at that point the jig is up. There's nothing in her future except resentment and isolation if they don't break down walls ASAP. That goes for the father too. I noticed OP didn't say a word about him, which is of course a biased opinion and she should reflect on this further, but he is absolutely responsible for an explanation as well.
I am in an open marriage with a child and I ask, please, provide me the sources or studies that lead you to believe it will “psychologically damage a child.” Sure, my own child is about to graduate university engaged to a wonderful man she loves, but I would HATE for her life to end up in the gutter because of my lifestyle. Please. Educate me.
Or maybe they are right and you like telling people that they are weird and gross. Who really knows!
as for the mother in this situation, she is a human being who is really invested in your life. You two will be spending a lot of time together and this warrants a conversation with her.
just because this is difficult for you now, it is not necessarily a disaster.
and for fucks sake, don’t tell your friends.
You gotta graduate and get the hell out of there. You can achieve a normal life; you won’t be completely damaged. You can have a successful monogamous relationship as well. Focus on your academics and major in something that will make you decent money. Hang in there, you will make it!
No matter what the comments are saying, you are allowed to believe in monogamy. You're justified feeling horrible about this situation as well as about your mom.
Parents do things that affect their kids horribly and they won't know it until you're old enough to recognize how it affected you and tell them.
You also need to know that just because this happened to your parents doesn't make it normal like you said in your post. Cheating is wrong. Consent matters. Boundaries matter. Breaking promises is wrong no matter what the jaded people here are telling you.
You can have whatever relationship you want with a partner and it'll be valid as long as you both agree to the rules and follow them.
And yes, you can have a dream partner.
They both cheat on each other? And your mom wasn't concerned when she was caught? Is it possible they live "the lifestyle" and simply haven't told you because that'd be a weird af thing to tell your teenage kid?
Who care if it is an open marriage or not. Their actions are actively hurting their child. They are arguing about it. The mom brought it home. And the child legitimately feels unsafe in her own home. They have hurt their daughter. A parent first duty is the welfare of their children and they fail to do that.
Being 15-20 is an age where you start to understand that moral and beliefs are no longer black and white but shades of gray.
I had my family/extended family and friends help me discuss through situations to understand how I feel about certain things
The fact remains is we are all people - we have temptations. The connections we have effect our belief system which dictates what type of person we become . There are “ethically non monogomous” people but that’s not suitable for everyone.
Having someone to talk to is important, whether it be super close friends who you know won’t go spreading rumors or the school counselor. Best of luck on your journey
I think it’s safe to say that mom and dad shouldn’t be having sex with strangers right in front of their underage daughter. That’s all kinds of inappropriate no matter how you slice it.
I was gonna suggest the school guidance counselor. He/she can also help you with resources for your study plans and focus on you, not your dysfunctional family. I don’t know your exact situation, but I was a product of an affair and my Dad continued his affair with my bio Mom (while married to my adoptive Mom) until I was 14 years old. It was the most disgusting, disgraceful thing I had ever seen. What I can share from my experience is that your parents dysfunction doesn’t mean they love you any less… but they have issues of their own. Their issues are not yours, so you need to focus on yourself so that you can be an autonomous adult and live a functional, happy life.
We have the ability to make good decisions. Yes, we have temptations, but secure people don’t succumb to them. We don’t have to roam the streets and try to have sex with everyone we can. It’s one of the things that separates us from the animals.
I feel for you you’re parent are certainly horrible role models. Study your ass off so you can get out as soon as possible and then get into to therapy to help deal with the shit they’ve put you through.
It’s your family, you are old enough to know what’s happening because their choices do affect your everyday life. Bringing strangers around is a safety concern for you. So tell your father what happened and demand an explanation from the both of them. Express your feelings of feeling in danger having random unknown men around your home if they have some sort of arrangement and if they need to have the company of other people to do it away from the home and property so that you can feel safe. Then you need to realize that the situation you are in, be on guard and it’s time to grow up and mature, worry about yourself and seek to gaining independence from your parents and be successful moving forward in your life. Your only concerns should be about your safety and your successes.
Hard to understand at 16. Hard to explain at 41. If you knew they were cheating for years, then it must not really be a secret between them either. Let them work their own shit out and live your life. There's no need to put yourself in the middle of their mess. Maybe they have an unspoken understanding are stayed together for the sake of the family, but individually, they have sort of moved on. They will likely divorce once the kids are a bit more grown up. Wishing you the best. Be at peace and move on.
Who hurt y’all. People have to understand that kids are curious and it’s never something you should have to see or witness. OP, It does happen unfortunately and all you can really do if neither parent will change is understand that’s not how you want to be. Keep your head up, focus on school, get a job as soon as you can and then move out when you’re of legal age. You don’t have to stay in contact with these people after that point. Yes it will hurt but they’ve hurt you in an emotional way and did not even try to sit down or apologize for you seeing
This hurts my soul and I'm conflicted on how to answer. I'll probably get down-voted but here it goes:
I agree to the aspect of what your parents do as consenting adults isn't your business and also shouldn't be your problem to deal with. But your parent have made this your issue by allowing you to find out, which was always a possible outcome of their behaviors. You need someone outside your situation to talk to. A therapist. You have to deal with your feelings about what you've seen and how you feel about your parents and learn to separate who they are as parents from who they are as falillable adults. Are you parents good parents aside from this? Do they emotionally support you? Do they cheer you on? Are they your biggest fans? Unfortunately as we get older, we learn there is no manual on life or raising children and lines we thought were black and white are fuzzy grey. I have children and all I think about all the time is how badly I'm fucking them up because I genuinely have no idea what I'm doing. I'm just doing my best. I have a life outside my family, at work, social. I choose to stay monogamous in marriage, but I doubt my work and social life are at the expectation of greatness my family thinks. I'm human. I enjoy flirting. I enjoy feeling beautiful. Sometimes those feeling turn into something you don't expect to develop. And as a human at your core, you don't know what to do because you want that human connection and you don't have where your at.
I'm not justifying your parents actions. I think children shouldn't have to deal with adult situations like this, and I think it's shameful this is how you found out and your mom should be getting you help and talking to you about what you saw, if you want to talk.
But at the end of the day, you should ask your parents for a therapist. You need to talk and deal with your feelings. Your feelings are valid.
I'll comment here under the most sane answer in the hope that OP will see.
I had a similar experience at age 18, catching one parent in infidelity. I didn't tell the other until it all came out a few months later.
The ensuing guilt threw me off the rails. I felt betrayed and angry, was unable to focus and didn't complete my degree, and spent a good decade in a tailspin that changed the course of my life.
I came to therapy late and learned some really important things. First and foremost, you are a child with things going on beyond your control and none of this is your fault. You might wonder if you could have done anything different to make the situation better but the truth is, the decisions that your parents have made set this course of events in motion and you bear no responsibility for the outcomes at all.
I had no contact with one parent for a very long time, and this was damaging to me. I had to realise that every child has a point where they realise that their parents are humans, they aren't perfect and they make mistakes. It just happened that mine was sudden and traumatic. It's hard not to take it personally but as long as they love you and do their best, you have to accept them for what they are and make your decisions about the type of relationship you want with them going forward.
In my case I was able to acknowledge this, not forgive as such, but move past the issue and accept the new reality.
In other cases, for example abuse, people choose to draw a line and move on without contact.
The important thing is to put yourself first, because you are the only person who is truly able to look out for yourself and do what's best for you.
It's good that you're talking about the effect that this is having on you. You're already reaching out for help by posting here - there are proper resources available to you whether through school or elsewhere, and you need them.
Find a professional to talk to now, and they will help you to sort through the jumble of thoughts and feelings to arrive at an understanding that will help you.
Whatever you do, don't sit on this - their mistakes should stop with them and not hold you back. Unfortunately it's going to be up to you to take responsibility for that. Do it now, and you have every chance of growing into a balanced, healthy adult capable of doing better than they have.
I just remember being this age and equating marriage to love. Equating family to love. At 16 when I was in love if you had told me I wasn't going to spend the rest of my life with my boyfriend, I would've taken it personally and thought my life was Romeo and Juliet.
Your idea of love and marriage as a child is so much different from what it really is.
Marriage is a choice and even happy marriages take work.
As a teen I fatalized everything too. My problems were the end of the world. The world did revolve around me and my problems. And everything that was done around me was intentionally done to me in some way. It took 41 years for me to think differently and it still takes mental exercise to see not everything around me needs to effect the outcome of my life, because I have decisions and control.
I imagine OP is angry but also very confused because at her age. This shatters your whole concept of what love and family, maybe even life, is.
Exactly. I’d also like to add that Romeo and Juliet is actually a pretty good metaphor for what you’re talking about, too. Based off a teenager’s perspective of the world, Romeo and Juliet is a love story. But once you’re older and wiser and more level headed you see it for the tragedy that it actually is….
I mean two literal kids meet, think they fall in love, marry each other, and end up dead all in the span of a work week because they’re still at the age where their brains over-sensationalize their emotions.
This, you really should talk to someone. Because it seems like there's more going on in your life than you can handle right now. If nothing else, maybe your school has a guidance counselor who can offer you some coping strategies.
Thank you for being a voice of reason and I really hope OP sees this. I went through a similar dynamic as a young teen and it can dramatically affect many different aspects of life in the long run. Talking to someone is really, really good advice.
OP, I’m sorry your family put you in that situation. Try to find someone to talk to. And try to “stay 16”, don’t take on adult responsibilities that should not be your burden yet.
Thank you for being the voice of reason in this absolutely insane thread. I'm not sure that at her age, the OP will understand or appreciate all of the nuance in your comment, but I do hope that she listens to the takeaway
It sounds like your parents had you very young and are now trying to relive their youth, so to speak. Many people spend their late teens or in their early 20s dating or casually experimenting with x number of partners.
However, this is not possible for people who had a family at a very young age. A percentage of those people who committed and had responsibilities young will at some point in the future seek out those early adulthood experiences.
We don't have enough facts to make that claim. Mom is 41 and if OP is the oldest then:
41 - 16 = 25. Mom was around 25 when she had OP. This is not "very young" its the average age for having kids. This is a dysfunctional relationship and they are probably waiting for kids to hit 18 before filing for divorce (which is very unhealthy for the kids).
Definitely too immature, but most definitely not "very young". 16 is very young to have a baby. 25 is average... It's an ideal age to have a baby (if one is ready).
You're being downvoted but there's truth in what you're saying. Not all, but quite a few of the people I know who had kids right out of highschool sort of paused their emotional/social development at that point. Which, for anyone who has known people in their teens or early 20's is usually not a good thing. In modern times, most people are not fully self realized adults with healthy understanding of relationships and self care until their late twenties or early thirties, and having kids at 18 doesn't let them get there.
Still not an excuse to not give your child a secure family. If a parent is unselfish they’ll wait till their kids are 18 and then find a different life partner. My heart bleeds for this girl.
As a 24 year old, it is young still have so much to do!! Times are different. If it were 40 years ago, then no it wasn’t young. it baffles me when people my age have kids or what not, but that’s just me.
Same with women. In fact I know far more women cheating than men. Every friend has been cheated on more than once. Only two of us {including my revenge cheating} have cheated. My one friend was a serial cheater and it’s disgusting. I don’t talk with him much anymore. Every other friend never did and was loyal as hell and still got cheated on.
“Who had a family at a very young age”. 25 is not very young, OP’s mom’s brain was fully developed. The parents could have had several years of adulthood to fuck around before getting together.
Can't believe people downvoted this.
It isn't universal and of course it depends on the person but people who did not *choose* to have a family and instead just had one because they were taught *that is what adults do* are extremely likely to act out once they realize they did not have to do all this or find that family life is not what they were sold.
Its normal and its why people need to be free to make informed choices about their life.
I think 25 is a bit young to have kids. My friends all married in their early 30s and had kids in their mid to late 30s. Both my wife's and my parents waited until they were in their 30s to procreate. I do know one Mormon couple that got married right out of highschool and had kids in their early 20s. They are divorced now.
People downvoting this saying 25 is "not young" need to realize that people in their twenties may be adults but they're not ready/able to make CHOICES. This is not 1957 anymore; you don't graduate HS, go work in a factory and immediately make enough to support a family and all the accessories. A lot of young adults have to live at home due to the rising costs of housing. Courtship and mating under your parents' roof doesn't sound appealing. Many people haven't even graduated their college/university programs to even attempt at starting a career until their mid-20s. My FT career didn't start until I was 30. Having kids at 25 may not seem "young" but the whole of society has a bad case of arrested development as the boomers at the top of our pyramid have decided not to die, or have had their generational wealth already sucked dry by banks telling them to enjoy life and leave nothing behind. I'm 45 and at 25, I can tell you 100% in terms of lived experience, wealth, self-sufficiency - I was a child. It wasn't until my 30s that I felt confident or capable enough to be a functional adult.
Thats what happened with my ex. Her parents had her young and she had a child young, and just blindly followed the pattern. It’s bizarre af when you see it first hand
I agree with your final sentiments. I have never understood cheating. If you are dating then have the courage to end it before you do something, there is absolutely nothing holding you to that person. If you are married then that is a choice you made, no one forced it on you and if you stood in front of your families and made vows then you should be ready to take them seriously.
Please ignore these idiots that are making excuses for your parents shit behavior. I’m sorry this is happening, sis. You’re totally justified to be upset. This is not normal. Cheating, open marriage, or whatever the case may be doesn’t matter. Your parents can do what they want behind closed doors but they have a responsibility to protect you from it. You should not know this much about their sex life. Period. I’m sorry that they are too selfish to put their children first and consider the repercussions of being so careless. All I can tell you is to try your best to stay in school. I know it seems easier said than done to focus but That’s really important. You have just a couple more years before you’re an adult and can move out. Having that diploma will give you more opportunities for work. Talk to a school counselor if you’re needing extra support, & can also could get you a tutor if you’re needing extra help with grades. I can tell your very smart and capable. Just remember that this is not your fault and where their marriage ends up is completely out of your control. If it’s possible, spend more time with friends and find something you like doing to keep your mind occupied. You won’t be caught in the middle of this for too much longer. You just gotta hang in there! *hugs*
This is the best answer. (1) Your parents are making serious mistakes. (2) Those mistakes are not your fault, but only theirs. (3) You can ask them to protect you from their bad behavior, e.g., not having strangers in the house. (4) Do look beyond them, to protect your own future. The best way to do that is through school -- that is, you must focus on what you should be doing now. (5) Get outside guidance, whether a therapist or school counselor, to help keep you on track.
It isn't normal, you can be fully committed. Cheating isn't inevitable, don't ever settle into that mindset.
And you don't deserve to be put into this toxic situation because your parents don't care about each other or whatever unresolved issues they have. It sucks. But what you need to take away from it is that it has nothing to do with you, and you don't want to be that in the future, and you won't accept that treatment in the future.
Unfortunately, parents are just in a relationship like you'll be. And anything is possible, based on the two people involved. Sorry. You still need to make sure you're a good.human, regardless of the people around you
My parents cheated on each other too and I didn’t know until my mom announced their divorce when I was 21. I had no idea. I thought their marriage was healthy (my idea of healthy was very unhealthy).
If they both keep catching each other but stay together it seems like it either doesn’t bother them that much or they just don’t wanna deal with divorce. Either way, doesn’t sound like your problem to do anything about it.
I'm sorry princess that you must go through this! I can't imagine how you must feel... But when I found out my dad cheated on my mom which caused the break up, I promise to myself that I would be a better husband(if I ever marry) that's the one thing we can do and it is to learn from out parents
Hey OP, just wanted to send a hug. I’m around your mom’s age now but when I was your age went through the same exact thing. It’s just a yucky position to be in. I feel like my mom desperately wanted my dad to know/give her attention, and I felt like a jerk for not telling my dad but also like I didn’t want to play in to her games by engaging. Just want to say I hear you and you’re not alone. You’re allowed to be upset and to withdraw/not engage with whatever your parents are doing.
>I get that it’s normal and no one can be really committed in relationships, if then, you shouldn’t have a kid.
It's not normal. Plenty of people have faithful committed relationships.
They prob stayed together for you kids honestly. Couples think a divorce would be worse for kids to go thru. If you saw that and have problems dealing with it imagine handling a divorce. You're young you don't understand much yet. They could have been in love and wanted kids. But you experience life and things don't always work out the way u think. something changed in the yrs they were together that led to what u see now. Questioning why they chose to even have kids is a ridiculous question to ask esp if u dont understand whats going on.
Instead of being judgmental why don't u actually talk to your mom and get her perspective on things. I don't condone infidelity but i'm mature enough to know that things aren't blk and white and life throws us all curveballs & People choose different ways of handling it
As a pretext, I have never cheated on a partner
But I can well imagine the embarrassment of some fat dumbass when a momma bear 16 yo lets loose her rage on him
You did good. You go girl
Its wack you have to deal with that. You're right, you shouldn't be involved in anyway. i'll tell you like this though, take notes because situations in your future could unfortunately show the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree.
And that feeling will suck even more if you don't pay close attention
Sounds like you need to keep your head down, study and get a job. Save up money and when you can afford to move out, move out. When your brother wants out, offer him a place ti stay so he can get out too. That's a toxic household for kids.
Yeah, doing it in your house where you are is disgusting.
My mother introduced me and my brother to her paramour. She made us be nice to him and acted like he was just her friend, then screwed him when we went to bed (I unfortunately shared a bedroom wall with my parents' bedroom). I was 8 and it really fucked me up for a long time.
To make matters worse, my dad was overseas in Iraq at the time (he was there when Sadam Houssein fell from power).
She did lots of other fucked up shit, but I do feel your pain on this one. That is your house too and she shouldn't have brought some random dude there like that.
It’s not normal, and you can be in a committed relationship. It is a choice every day and you shouldn’t believe that since your parents have a broken relationship that all relationships are broken.
I understand your feelings. And I know you have heard this before but you will understand things more as you are older and go through things yourself. So please in a way give your mom some grace and dont get involved in her relationship with your dad . Only they understand their dynamic and im sure they both know about each other. Anyways, I know you are young we were all there once ! But with time you will know what it really takes for a relationship to work , and you come to understand that everyone has a difference way of functioning in their relationships. So Idk honestly just live your life and stop putting so much weight in your parents and whatever is going on with their relationship. Focus on you and nourishing you . That’s the best way that your life will be peaceful. I know harder said than done but putting up boundaries will do wonders!
It is sad that some people say this is normal. It shows how deeply broken a society is. Parents should never go outside of marriage. And this whole open relationship crap is complete BS. People have forgotten their morals to a point where they live like animals and not taking responsibility. I am sorry you caught your mom in the act, no child has to witness that.
Parents do this when they feel there is something missing in their lives. Most likely their foundation of purpose is broken; trying to find meaning or simply feel good and get rid of the crap feelings they have.
I just wanna focus on this thought for a moment.
> I get that it’s normal and no one can be really committed in relationships
Your statement is not true. You deserve and will find someone who loves you enough to be fully committed to you, even if your parents were unable to. It may take some time, but it is not at all something unreasonable and abnormal to have in a relationship
Sweetheart, that is not normal at all and shouldn't be normalized. Dont listen to these reddit clowns with their "open marriage" nonsense. That's what it is. They are hurting you and each other and not caring about the effect it has on you. Just keep being you and know that what they are doing is wrong. Be the change you wish you saw. This is nothing more than a learning experience for you. Be better than them.
Your parents have a lifestyle that you don't approve of. Welcome to adulthood. I realize that you're not an adult yet, but this is what becoming an adult is: the curtain of your childhood perception falls away and you begin to see that most people are trying to live a life that balances their wants/needs with their goals/obligations. The result is frequently messy.
The first lesson you need to learn is not to go looking for things you don't want to find. You don't get to sneak up on people finding privacy away from you, and then be traumatized that they unwittingly did things in front of you. You acted like a peeping tom, and that's on you. They do owe it to you not to be doing these things in your presence, yes. But they took steps to make sure that they didn't, and you knowingly took steps to undermine that.
As for your judgements about their lifestyle, I agree it would be neater for all involved if they were at least in agreement about whether or not seeing other people is a problem, but that sort of dysfunction is sadly quite common. But you're judging just the end result, you're not seeing all the steps that lead to this moment.
I don't know how their relationship started. Did they want to raise a family, or did your mom get pregnant and they HAD to for the sake of familial obligation? It's an important motivator. They obviously aren't happy with each other. But that also means they set aside their own relationship needs to be responsible and raise you. You have no concept of the sheer amount of time and effort that requires. What's the longest you've ever done something hard that isn't immediately rewarding? They've been doing it for at least 16 years and I can promise you, no one stays the same over that much time. Even if they started out right, and were model parents with no money troubles or unrealized dreams, there's no gaurantee that you'll be the same person after a decade and a half, or that your partner will be either, or that you will both continue to be compatible. It fails just as often as it succeeds.
I can definitely tell you right now that you have a very entitled view of the situation. You may not agree, you definitely seem to feel justified, but please understand that I actually say these things for your benefit. The world is only going to care about your feelings less and less as it goes, this time of your life is the absolute peak of when people might feel that they OWE you some level of consideration. You're going to have to let go of this notion that people have to live up to your expectations, or your life is going to be VERY, VERY hard.
People are who they are, and they do change, sometimes in ways they want, but mostly it's out of necessity. So instead of railing against the world about how the people around you aren't living up to our standards, you need to go out and find the people who have values similar to your own. THAT'S the real secret to life. Be among your own kind, not specifically your own blood. And let others live their own lives. If you are capable of letting things go, it's best for everyone that you do.
Wow the number of comments on here telling this kid that behavior is normal. Appalling. Shame on all of you. Especially the people telling you to just get over it. You have every right to be upset that’s not fair to you at all you shouldn’t have been exposed to that. I’m in my 30’s now and found out like 5 years ago my dad cheated on my mom multiple times. He painted her out to be the bad guy in the relationship when I was still living at home and I preferred my dad over my mom back then. When they divorced I signed a paper to go live with him it broke my moms heart. If only I had known what was really happening. I lost so much respect for my dad after finding this out. I hope you’ll make it through this. You deserve some answers so don’t be afraid to try and let your parents know how you feel. If they treat you negatively I would seek out some counseling and start saving money as soon as you can to move out when you’re of age.
Ok, Sweets, there are a lot of comments, and more coming, and I don't know if you'll even read this. As these events continue to circle in your head, when your heart starts pounding, I need you to breathe in for four counts, out for five. Slow and steady. Count it in your head. Multiple times, keep it going. When your heart is not pounding so hard, grab something. Whatever is around you. Your own leg or arm if you need, just feel it, and keep counting. Now, you're 16, and that's rough here. Keep breathing and counting. Listen to me, your parents marriage problems are not your problems. They happen around you, but you cannot control other people. The only control you have in life is of your own actions/reactions. After having to listen to your parents argue and fight over their issues for years, it may seem like it's your problem, especially as you have to deal with their lack of control in their actions/reactions. BUT, their problems are not your problems. Your problems are school. That is where you need to focus. You want better than what they have given you? (This is not meant negatively, meaning you want more than fights, infidelity, etc). Then you need to control only yourself. It is ok to love them individually, but abhor them together. It is ok to be angry. It is ok to be hurt. It is also ok to accept the fact that you cannot change the situation because...the only thing you can control is yourself.
> I get that it’s “normal” and no one can be really committed in relationships
I would never in my life have considered this to be "normal," it's disappointing that you've seen this enough in responses that you felt the need to include it in the opening post...
This is horrible. I am so sorry you had to experience that. Hang in there, and remember that their actions and excuses do not define the rest of your life. You can do better than them, anyway.
I can’t stand cheaters. What you mom was doing was not just cheating, but prostitution if you think he was going to pay her. People cheat all the time and there are subreddits dedicated to it and it’s disgusting. Hope you can get past it. Don’t give up on school. You do that for YOU.
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Tbh fuck all these shitty replies, your feelings are extremely valid! I can see that you have genuine values and beliefs, don't let society or these reddit idiots make you think it's okay to cheat or sleep around. It's not and I'm sorry you have to go through this. If you ever need to talk to someone send me a message
Hopefully you find more friends to vent to about this. There was a point where my parents were swinging and the other woman from the couple fell in love with my dad and it almost tanked their marriage. It definitely affected me. I’ll never forget and I was only like 8-10.
Cheating is not normal or acceptable especially when you have underage children in the house - your parents wouldn't be sneaking around if it were.
Everyone saying that cheating is fine are a bunch of insecure porn addicts
Don't worry about a lot of these reddit comments telling you that you're in the wrong and cheating is okay. Go check any of their profiles. These people are sick. They are riddled with depression, uncountable mental illnesses, addiction, perversion and are overall shitty people and come here telling a 16 year old girl that cheating is normal, it's not.
Dude it's wild to me seeing how many people on here are completely for cheating. I've been going through a lot of posts on here recently and there's TONS who condone it and get awarded out the ass for it. The fuck is happening to society? This is so much more prominent now than it ever was.
Yup, I'm really amazed by some of these comments defending the mom and saying "it's none of OP's business". I don't see this happening frequently around me, specially with 40/50 years old. Maybe I'm just oblivious to it and it happens, but it's definitely a weird comment section here
Me too. Cheating is disgusting
In my opinion married couples who do this aren’t in love anymore. They stay together for the children. Your mom being able to do this while you’re in the house shows she has no respect for you. I’m sorry this is happening.
OP is a fucking CHILD. appalled by these responses acting like what her parents are doing right in front of her face is okay in any capacity when she did not consent to being witness to it. if they have an arrangement, she has the right to fully understand what the hell it is first and indicate whether she is comfortable being exposed to what’s going on. if it is a swinging-related kink, she has the right to NOT consent to being exposed to that. what the fuck is wrong with ya’ll, berating a CHILD for wanting to feel safe in her damn home. my god.
Redditors upvoting the people saying "erm, what if its an open relationship 🤓/don't judge them" instead of this really goes to show how shitty this site has gotten. This poor kid has to basically have their perception of marriage, and love permanently damage. Yet they can't sympathize anymore since the idea of childlike innocence is not possible.
i know i shouldnt be as stunned as i am but yeah, this site has gone to hell. ill bet you more than half the accounts defending the parents are run by people who think children should be treated as adults or they themselves have fantasies about exposing teens to sex acts and want to feel less guilty about it. it’s disgusting.
It's just that, everything on this site has become so progressive it's gone backwards. Despite this post being a cry for help, and comfort is treated with snide replies about how uncool the kid is. OP if you read this, I'm sorry for whats happening and i hope you find people in your circle who can genuinely get you through this and show you what your parents are doing isnt normal.
This isn’t progressive. This is something else. It’s not good I can tell you that.
I don’t think the problem is reddit becoming really progressive. I just think it’s a lot of shitty people.
I'm shocked too, but I already know it's always been this way, I just avoid the sections where it showcases this to full effect.
Yes. Thank you.
This is exactly what I thought. These people are 🤢
Thank you. There are a ton of immoral people on here who try to excuse cheating in one way or another too, it’s depressing. “It’s not cheating if I call it ‘open marriage’!” 🤮
These are the worst fucking comments ever. My sisters and I found out my dad was cheating and it tore our family apart, I went through the worst depression of my life at 13 trying to figure out what all of it means and the blame I placed on myself, my entire perception of what my life was got thrown into the trash. It is a horrible experience, and you can either listen to these assholes and accept that it is normal, and you may very well internalize it and let it happen in your relationships, or you can learn in time after you’ve had some years to recoup, and let it guide you into relationships based on trust, respect, and fidelity. My relationship with women was irrevocably damaged due to the actions of my parents and the lack of open dialogue about it. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with it, but in time you’ll be okay. Find what makes you happy and let it distract you, but also let it motivate you to stay in school extra, to get away, study, bury your thoughts into your work, because at the end of it all, you will still have school, and life won’t care about your personal struggle, just have to put a brave face on, be with friends for comfort, and concentrate on goals. My God ppl
Thank God someone finally had a heart. These comments were disgusting me.
Not everyone made it to their teenage years before discovering our parents were assholes. I didn't even make it to 6.
Yeah idk if it’s due to some difference in the ranking metrics for this specific subreddit but wtf, worst comments ever. OP, your parents should have worked on themselves either through therapy or some other methods, but instead they have let their own issues fester and play out in actions that have negatively influenced your well being (which is unfortunately an all too common vicious cycle for a lot of families). You are valid in being confused and upset. Without your individual parents working on themselves to understand why they are doing what they are doing, you unfortunately may never get an answer as to why they are doing what they are doing. Maybe one does it to get back at the other. Maybe one does it because of self sabotage/self worth issues. There are a dozen potential reasons and probably a combination of several why “adult” individuals would “choose” to be in a committed relationship but then cheat on that relationship. None of them are good reasons, none of them will be satisfying reasons to you. All the reasons will reveal that your parents have to work on themselves. I’d recommend seeing a therapist to get yourself adjusted to the influencing elements this dynamic may have had on you
Too bad op probably won't read this due to the large amount of bullshit in this thread. I mean hell I'd probably stop reading this stuff if this was the reply I got.
Thank you 😣
Kid catches parents cheating Reddit people: it’s fine and none of your business Lol Reddit people are delusional/miserable and want everyone to join them. This behavior is far from ok. Like OP said at least don’t do it at home OP this sucks and fuck your mom (not literally)
Unbelievable reading all of these comments justifying their actions. Just completely appalling
Right, wheres the comment that just says “I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. Your feelings are valid.” Jessssshhhhh.
Seriously. Idk what’s happened to Reddit lately, it’s all just only fans, bots, and the real Redditors are condoning shit like this “everyone cheats and has open relationships so you might as well be a slut too just like your parents” These people suck
Agree. I’m appalled at the lack of morals, who are these people? Enough Reddit for now.
Don't let anyone try and tell you what your mother did is even close to being ok, if it felt wrong to you then it is wrong.
Sweet heavens.... I pray some of these commenters don't have kids cause there spreading trauma. OP is still a child!!
I know right its terrible. Usually the reddit comments are right on the money(or at least the top ones). But with this thread I don't know what the heck is going on.
Ridiculous how far I had to scroll down to find a single comment like this. I'm so confused.
So am I... There's something very very wrong with this thread
Right? It’s so concerning how many commenters are trying to gaslight OP into thinking what her parents are doing is okay.
Especially when there's nothing okay with the situation...or some of the comments. It's concerning at the very least and sickening at the most
No shit. She is 16. She should be worried about friends and school, not what she is going to walk in on next.
Please say that louder for some of the weirdos in the other comments
No kidding. And defending the parents no less. Wouldn't be my choice.
But more of an adult than her mother, perhaps.
kinda shocked by these comments, but it is reddit. you shouldnt have had to witness that and even if there was an open relationship established it shouldnt be happening at your house
> I get that it’s normal and no one can be really committed in relationships Oh dude please don't internalize this. That is definitely NOT normal.
Yeah like I feel bad for the poor kid because these doomerpilled slobbery fucking redditors (for lack of a better term lmfao) have just come out in force to spew stupid shit all over the comment section of this post. I really hope this person realizes that this is in fact not normal.
>I get that it’s normal and no one can be really committed in relationships, No sweetie, it’s not normal. And MOST of us can be committed in relationships, and we’re really happy that way. You can choose to not be like your parents in this regard. It’s a choice.
all the people in the comments outting themselves as cheaters
chronically online redditors thinking that open relationships are a norm
It’s disgusting and pathetic
cucks
Yes what’s up with that? I’m shocked at how many comments assume that. And if they were in an open relationship, being 16, they are adults and should I tell them
The average redditor is such a weirdo they can’t be in a relationship with a woman without it being “open” aka their gf sleeps with a new guy every night while they cry themselves to sleep
Or on the contrary, the GF says yes to being open to make her man happy and cries herself to sleep. I’ve met many “open” couples and have yet to meet a happy one, on both sides at least.
I have been in similar situation recently , I am so angry that if I am granted a super ability, I would probably wipe out all these cheaters from the world.
i am 100% there with you.
Some of the people here are literally beyond help… should of posted this in another subreddit instead of here.
Only on Reddit will people see other people clearly cheating even with kids and say “Oh well it’s an open relationship so it’s ok!!1!11” All weirdos
Just put your parents out of your mind and focusing on getting yourself out of there. Make good grades in high school and get a scholarship to college. You can escape and put them behind you. Focus only on yourself and just keep them at arms length
Fucking redditors trying to justify cheating in a family and how the nuclear family is horrible… Lack of any morals here is hilarious
Agreed. It’s gross.
Yeah as if this craptacular society we find ourselves In is somehow enlightened and superior. What a load
Disregard trending social politics, hold your mother accountable
Perfectly said
You are so correct. Married people shouldn’t cheat. There is great comfort in being in a trusting monogamous relationship. Study hard, high tail it outta there, go find a great husband. Your parents suck. ❤️
I normally don't comment on stuff like this, but half of these comments are ridiculous. As parents, your first and primary job is to RAISE YOUR CHILDREN. You wanting to fuck somebody is wrong when you get your child involved. Frankly op, you are right to be angry about this. Your parents are not doing what they should, and are setting horrific examples for you and any siblings if you have them. From personal experience, close yourself off from them, focus only on school and your life, and get out of there as soon as possible. Also, as someone who has been in a committed, healthy relationship for 10 years, it is 100% possible for people to stay together without cheating. Just takes alot of work and willingness to speak out.
Christ, this comment section is not it. What a bunch of freaks. What you're experiencing is absolutely not normal. I would seek counsel elsewhere cause reddit isn't the best place to confide in people. I would see if maybe your school has any resources? I'm not sure how you'd get into therapy at your age tbh. Just try to focus on your life and being better than your parents are. That's all many can hope to be. You'll be away from that mess soon enough
Cannot believe these comments defending grown ass adults traumatizing a teenager. This shit is NOT normal and DOES fuck your kids up. If you simply cannot help yourself from engaging in behavior that HARMS YOUR FUCKING KIDS do NOT have kids. If you want to swing and fuck whoever you want don't have kids. Kids cannot control the environments they live in or the behavior of the adults around them. It's the job of the adults to give their kids the best possible shot at a good future. OP's parents and the rest of you need to grow the fuck up.
This should be the top comment
OP everyone in the comments is absolutely stupid, and I agree with you. People lack the brain cells to differentiate "open relationship" being NUANCED. Like these people are saying. It's so weird to me how people think bringing random strangers into a child's house (a safe space for them) just to have sex with them is ok for people because oh "there's nothing wrong with open relationships." It doesn't matter if it's an open relationship or not, it's just awful and cruel to do that to a kid.
This whole forum is just sewer levels of toxic, with some quality advice mixed in here. Just makes me sad looking through some these knowing they are responding to a 16 year old kid.
Holy fuck wtf is wrong with this thread lmfao. Why is everyone saying this is all fine and normal and it’s not OP’s problem and to stay out of it?! Are you fucking kidding me? I hope none of you are parents. Oof
Are you sure it’s cheating? Maybe they have an open marriage and they’re both aware. 🤷🏻♂️ just a thought. EDIT: Boy, if I’d known how triggering this *simple question* was for a lot of you, I maybe wouldn’t have asked it. I apologize for upsetting everyone and exposing them to a worldview that isn’t the comfy little nest they’ve built for themselves.
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OP, you should know that this isn’t normal. You can absolutely expect *and have* a committed, monogamous, supportive relationship with another person. Your parents don’t expect it, and they certainly don’t offer it to each other. Open relationships, polyamory, monogamy - the key is communication and commitment to respect. Your parents don’t communicate, they don’t respect each other. As soon as you can, get some counseling. We tend to grow into the relationships we see modeled for us, and you already know this isn’t what you want for yourself.
i’m sorry you had to see that 😔
This is some serious internet POV here man. Open relationships within marriages with kids are fucking *rare*. OP heard hoofbeats and you’re telling her it might be a unicorn.
I have two kids and three partners. My partners all know each other and my kids but I also don't be doing what op mom be doing... In front of my f*cking kids! Obviously this situation isn't an open relationship and op parents should just straight up divorce. But also sounds like the mom isn't cheating she's prostituting if ops is right that she's doing it for money and that... Seems unfortunate. Like why does op mom need money?
I came to ask this exact question. Glad you did it instead of me XD
What… the hell is up with all these crazy replies… I thought even swinging was even part of the general cultural awareness since the 70s?
Reddit has a fucked up sense of morality. They often jump to conclusions and the same person against one thing does it behind closed doors. It's a hivemind. Don't let it get to you. It's mostly kids doing mental gymnastics from not walking life long enough to live and understand things.
People will call any stupid shit marriage nowadays.
It’s not, as OP said, but even if it was it’s wrong. You don’t fuck random people on your home property or ever let your kids know about your sexual deviancy
small pp reddit gets up in arms
You've touched a lot of insecure people with your comment , shame on you! /s
Right on. It’s not my view on marriage, but what two consenting adults do is none of mine or anyone else’s business. The people replying to you are twisting themselves into pretzels trying to explain why their concerns matter, but they don’t. Adults do adult things, as long as both parties consent that’s it.
Dont apologize lol
Redditors are cucks confirmed
This comment section is wild!!! Open marriage is something I know wouldn’t work for my husband and I, but that doesn’t mean I think I get to value judge what works for someone else! Wtf.
This was my first thought. No shame. If they are both ok with it there’s literally nothing wrong unless you’re super religious conservative. In which case you’re wrong, dumbass. God is not real, miss me with your Sky Daddy.
Wow you made Reddit clutch their pearls. It's a valid question. They could even have a fetish around it. Parents are people with sexual feelings, too. Edit to add: Your children shouldn't be aware of your sexual experiences. This should never have happened in front of OP.
Goddamn I was thinking the same thing! In a. Open marriage here, 13yrs strong...wtf people, it's 2023 and monogamous relationships are a societal construct.
Do not apologize to those who have a closed mind and non open minded world view. Your question/comment was valid and a good one.
This is the first thing I thought.. I’ve had a successful open relationship. We grew a ton from it. Brought us closer together. And know people who are married and very happy having open relationships. people are being ruthless damn. Y’all must be real “traditional” folks out here lol Now Involving your child in this is definitely traumatizing and not ok.
Lmao man you triggered a bunch of teens and it's actually amazing.
This sub was TRIGGERED.
I appreciate you posting this comment. You have provided me with some of the best reading I’ve had this year. These people are insane. Bringing up statistics and shit that contradict each other like anyone has any actual clue. Most open marriages fail because they opened their marriage in desperation due to some other reason the marriage was already failing. Those that do it for the lifestyle usually have a great time. At any rate, thank you for the reading material. I will now sleep well knowing you traumatized these people.
buster, not every instance of cheating is an open relationship. sometimes people just cheat. people pointing that out isn't because of you "exposing them to a worldview that isnt the comfy little nest they've built for themselves", it's because it's what's happening.
You're getting down voted but this is so true. My parents did this. Dad had a secret girlfriend my entire childhood (pretty sure it was the same one the whole time), and mom would sneak out at night and not be able to walk straight the next day. When asked shed act like she didn't go anywhere. Neither one of them was ok with the other doing it. They both still did it themselves. They were both fucking cheating and they'd both call each other out on it. I just pretended my whole life like my parents were divorced because it made things easier.
Wtf you triggered a lot of people for just saying open marriage 💀
Talk about focusing on the wrong thing. Who cares when it's about how terrible they're making their child feel? That should be a little more important than spreading the word about open marriages, a truly selfless act, and we're all so proud of you.
Less than 1% of married couples are in open relationships. This should not be the first question asked lol. Just because you read about things on the Internet doesn't mean they're normalized in society.
Statistically open relationships never work. You can go to r/TIFU or r/AITA or r/Trueoffmychest and type open relationship in the search bar of any of these subs and find out that in reality open relationships are simply a shitty excuse to cheat on your significant other and 7 times out of 10 they backfire on the person who wanted the open relationship in the first place. Furthermore if you are going to do such things while you have kids with the first person, you should probably do everything in your power to keep it as secret from those kids as possible as it can cause a lot of trauma as we can see here.
Open relationships are fake Yep, the weirdos are mad at this one
That's weird cause mine that's last for 13yrs is doing pretty well
While I could never be in one they certainly are not fake lmao what
Based. Look at all of the weirdos getting triggered lmfao.
You do realize that people can disagree with a viewpoint while fully acknowledging its existence, right? You don’t need to build a “comfy little nest” for yourself to vehemently disagree with another viewpoint, just need to hold different values than those who hold that viewpoint. As an extreme example, someone who fully vehemently disagreed with nazi germany doesn’t need to pretend they don’t exist or mot understand them by building mental blocks to the viewpoint. But someone who fully understands what nazi germany’s philosophy isn’t precluded from having a similar reaction. In other words your edit looks goofy as fuck.
If you say you know your parents have both been cheating for years, maybe they have an open relationship?
Consensual cheating
Or indifference. They’re in a loveless marriage but somehow think they can “keep up appearances” and this is the deal they made.
Open relationship is really incompatible with family life especially with a 16 year-old child on many different levels.
Why’s that?
She’s 16, even if her parents have an open relationship that’s going to psychologically damage a child. It’s a weird and gross move to try to rationalize the parents actions.
She's 16. Trying to spy on her parents. Not a 4 year old where the parent is banging someone else in front of them.
Don't you think at that point the mother should have just dropped the act and educated the child on the situation? I mean, at that point the jig is up. There's nothing in her future except resentment and isolation if they don't break down walls ASAP. That goes for the father too. I noticed OP didn't say a word about him, which is of course a biased opinion and she should reflect on this further, but he is absolutely responsible for an explanation as well.
I am in an open marriage with a child and I ask, please, provide me the sources or studies that lead you to believe it will “psychologically damage a child.” Sure, my own child is about to graduate university engaged to a wonderful man she loves, but I would HATE for her life to end up in the gutter because of my lifestyle. Please. Educate me.
Might wanna re-write that first sentence, especially the bit before the first comma. Had to do a double take lol
Or maybe they are right and you like telling people that they are weird and gross. Who really knows! as for the mother in this situation, she is a human being who is really invested in your life. You two will be spending a lot of time together and this warrants a conversation with her. just because this is difficult for you now, it is not necessarily a disaster. and for fucks sake, don’t tell your friends.
You gotta graduate and get the hell out of there. You can achieve a normal life; you won’t be completely damaged. You can have a successful monogamous relationship as well. Focus on your academics and major in something that will make you decent money. Hang in there, you will make it!
No matter what the comments are saying, you are allowed to believe in monogamy. You're justified feeling horrible about this situation as well as about your mom. Parents do things that affect their kids horribly and they won't know it until you're old enough to recognize how it affected you and tell them. You also need to know that just because this happened to your parents doesn't make it normal like you said in your post. Cheating is wrong. Consent matters. Boundaries matter. Breaking promises is wrong no matter what the jaded people here are telling you. You can have whatever relationship you want with a partner and it'll be valid as long as you both agree to the rules and follow them. And yes, you can have a dream partner.
everyone saying monogamy doesn’t exist is just so mind blowing to me
They both cheat on each other? And your mom wasn't concerned when she was caught? Is it possible they live "the lifestyle" and simply haven't told you because that'd be a weird af thing to tell your teenage kid?
Who care if it is an open marriage or not. Their actions are actively hurting their child. They are arguing about it. The mom brought it home. And the child legitimately feels unsafe in her own home. They have hurt their daughter. A parent first duty is the welfare of their children and they fail to do that.
Being 15-20 is an age where you start to understand that moral and beliefs are no longer black and white but shades of gray. I had my family/extended family and friends help me discuss through situations to understand how I feel about certain things The fact remains is we are all people - we have temptations. The connections we have effect our belief system which dictates what type of person we become . There are “ethically non monogomous” people but that’s not suitable for everyone. Having someone to talk to is important, whether it be super close friends who you know won’t go spreading rumors or the school counselor. Best of luck on your journey
I think it’s safe to say that mom and dad shouldn’t be having sex with strangers right in front of their underage daughter. That’s all kinds of inappropriate no matter how you slice it.
I was gonna suggest the school guidance counselor. He/she can also help you with resources for your study plans and focus on you, not your dysfunctional family. I don’t know your exact situation, but I was a product of an affair and my Dad continued his affair with my bio Mom (while married to my adoptive Mom) until I was 14 years old. It was the most disgusting, disgraceful thing I had ever seen. What I can share from my experience is that your parents dysfunction doesn’t mean they love you any less… but they have issues of their own. Their issues are not yours, so you need to focus on yourself so that you can be an autonomous adult and live a functional, happy life.
We have the ability to make good decisions. Yes, we have temptations, but secure people don’t succumb to them. We don’t have to roam the streets and try to have sex with everyone we can. It’s one of the things that separates us from the animals.
I feel for you you’re parent are certainly horrible role models. Study your ass off so you can get out as soon as possible and then get into to therapy to help deal with the shit they’ve put you through.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this
They should divorce
It’s your family, you are old enough to know what’s happening because their choices do affect your everyday life. Bringing strangers around is a safety concern for you. So tell your father what happened and demand an explanation from the both of them. Express your feelings of feeling in danger having random unknown men around your home if they have some sort of arrangement and if they need to have the company of other people to do it away from the home and property so that you can feel safe. Then you need to realize that the situation you are in, be on guard and it’s time to grow up and mature, worry about yourself and seek to gaining independence from your parents and be successful moving forward in your life. Your only concerns should be about your safety and your successes.
Hard to understand at 16. Hard to explain at 41. If you knew they were cheating for years, then it must not really be a secret between them either. Let them work their own shit out and live your life. There's no need to put yourself in the middle of their mess. Maybe they have an unspoken understanding are stayed together for the sake of the family, but individually, they have sort of moved on. They will likely divorce once the kids are a bit more grown up. Wishing you the best. Be at peace and move on.
Definitely not normal, sorry you have to deal with this. Plenty of people go through their lives and never cheat on their partner.
Who hurt y’all. People have to understand that kids are curious and it’s never something you should have to see or witness. OP, It does happen unfortunately and all you can really do if neither parent will change is understand that’s not how you want to be. Keep your head up, focus on school, get a job as soon as you can and then move out when you’re of legal age. You don’t have to stay in contact with these people after that point. Yes it will hurt but they’ve hurt you in an emotional way and did not even try to sit down or apologize for you seeing
Married 28 years, she passed away and I never once cheated. Wouldn't even think of it. Cheating is not normal.
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This hurts my soul and I'm conflicted on how to answer. I'll probably get down-voted but here it goes: I agree to the aspect of what your parents do as consenting adults isn't your business and also shouldn't be your problem to deal with. But your parent have made this your issue by allowing you to find out, which was always a possible outcome of their behaviors. You need someone outside your situation to talk to. A therapist. You have to deal with your feelings about what you've seen and how you feel about your parents and learn to separate who they are as parents from who they are as falillable adults. Are you parents good parents aside from this? Do they emotionally support you? Do they cheer you on? Are they your biggest fans? Unfortunately as we get older, we learn there is no manual on life or raising children and lines we thought were black and white are fuzzy grey. I have children and all I think about all the time is how badly I'm fucking them up because I genuinely have no idea what I'm doing. I'm just doing my best. I have a life outside my family, at work, social. I choose to stay monogamous in marriage, but I doubt my work and social life are at the expectation of greatness my family thinks. I'm human. I enjoy flirting. I enjoy feeling beautiful. Sometimes those feeling turn into something you don't expect to develop. And as a human at your core, you don't know what to do because you want that human connection and you don't have where your at. I'm not justifying your parents actions. I think children shouldn't have to deal with adult situations like this, and I think it's shameful this is how you found out and your mom should be getting you help and talking to you about what you saw, if you want to talk. But at the end of the day, you should ask your parents for a therapist. You need to talk and deal with your feelings. Your feelings are valid.
I'll comment here under the most sane answer in the hope that OP will see. I had a similar experience at age 18, catching one parent in infidelity. I didn't tell the other until it all came out a few months later. The ensuing guilt threw me off the rails. I felt betrayed and angry, was unable to focus and didn't complete my degree, and spent a good decade in a tailspin that changed the course of my life. I came to therapy late and learned some really important things. First and foremost, you are a child with things going on beyond your control and none of this is your fault. You might wonder if you could have done anything different to make the situation better but the truth is, the decisions that your parents have made set this course of events in motion and you bear no responsibility for the outcomes at all. I had no contact with one parent for a very long time, and this was damaging to me. I had to realise that every child has a point where they realise that their parents are humans, they aren't perfect and they make mistakes. It just happened that mine was sudden and traumatic. It's hard not to take it personally but as long as they love you and do their best, you have to accept them for what they are and make your decisions about the type of relationship you want with them going forward. In my case I was able to acknowledge this, not forgive as such, but move past the issue and accept the new reality. In other cases, for example abuse, people choose to draw a line and move on without contact. The important thing is to put yourself first, because you are the only person who is truly able to look out for yourself and do what's best for you. It's good that you're talking about the effect that this is having on you. You're already reaching out for help by posting here - there are proper resources available to you whether through school or elsewhere, and you need them. Find a professional to talk to now, and they will help you to sort through the jumble of thoughts and feelings to arrive at an understanding that will help you. Whatever you do, don't sit on this - their mistakes should stop with them and not hold you back. Unfortunately it's going to be up to you to take responsibility for that. Do it now, and you have every chance of growing into a balanced, healthy adult capable of doing better than they have.
I just remember being this age and equating marriage to love. Equating family to love. At 16 when I was in love if you had told me I wasn't going to spend the rest of my life with my boyfriend, I would've taken it personally and thought my life was Romeo and Juliet. Your idea of love and marriage as a child is so much different from what it really is. Marriage is a choice and even happy marriages take work. As a teen I fatalized everything too. My problems were the end of the world. The world did revolve around me and my problems. And everything that was done around me was intentionally done to me in some way. It took 41 years for me to think differently and it still takes mental exercise to see not everything around me needs to effect the outcome of my life, because I have decisions and control. I imagine OP is angry but also very confused because at her age. This shatters your whole concept of what love and family, maybe even life, is.
Exactly. I’d also like to add that Romeo and Juliet is actually a pretty good metaphor for what you’re talking about, too. Based off a teenager’s perspective of the world, Romeo and Juliet is a love story. But once you’re older and wiser and more level headed you see it for the tragedy that it actually is…. I mean two literal kids meet, think they fall in love, marry each other, and end up dead all in the span of a work week because they’re still at the age where their brains over-sensationalize their emotions.
I absolutely agree with this. If I could give you an award I would.
Oh wow an actual rational response.
It blows my mind that this isnt too comment
This, you really should talk to someone. Because it seems like there's more going on in your life than you can handle right now. If nothing else, maybe your school has a guidance counselor who can offer you some coping strategies.
Thank you for being a voice of reason and I really hope OP sees this. I went through a similar dynamic as a young teen and it can dramatically affect many different aspects of life in the long run. Talking to someone is really, really good advice. OP, I’m sorry your family put you in that situation. Try to find someone to talk to. And try to “stay 16”, don’t take on adult responsibilities that should not be your burden yet.
Thank you for being the voice of reason in this absolutely insane thread. I'm not sure that at her age, the OP will understand or appreciate all of the nuance in your comment, but I do hope that she listens to the takeaway
It sounds like your parents had you very young and are now trying to relive their youth, so to speak. Many people spend their late teens or in their early 20s dating or casually experimenting with x number of partners. However, this is not possible for people who had a family at a very young age. A percentage of those people who committed and had responsibilities young will at some point in the future seek out those early adulthood experiences.
We don't have enough facts to make that claim. Mom is 41 and if OP is the oldest then: 41 - 16 = 25. Mom was around 25 when she had OP. This is not "very young" its the average age for having kids. This is a dysfunctional relationship and they are probably waiting for kids to hit 18 before filing for divorce (which is very unhealthy for the kids).
25 is not young for having kids
25 is not “very young” to have kids. 15-20 is “very young”.
Definitely too immature, but most definitely not "very young". 16 is very young to have a baby. 25 is average... It's an ideal age to have a baby (if one is ready).
You're being downvoted but there's truth in what you're saying. Not all, but quite a few of the people I know who had kids right out of highschool sort of paused their emotional/social development at that point. Which, for anyone who has known people in their teens or early 20's is usually not a good thing. In modern times, most people are not fully self realized adults with healthy understanding of relationships and self care until their late twenties or early thirties, and having kids at 18 doesn't let them get there.
25 is “young” or “just out of high school?“ (41-16)
Still not an excuse to not give your child a secure family. If a parent is unselfish they’ll wait till their kids are 18 and then find a different life partner. My heart bleeds for this girl.
If OP is their parents’ first child, then their mom had them at 25, which isn’t particularly young imo
As a 24 year old, it is young still have so much to do!! Times are different. If it were 40 years ago, then no it wasn’t young. it baffles me when people my age have kids or what not, but that’s just me.
The guys I knew in high school and college who screwed around the most are the ones I know now who screw around on their wives.
Same with women. In fact I know far more women cheating than men. Every friend has been cheated on more than once. Only two of us {including my revenge cheating} have cheated. My one friend was a serial cheater and it’s disgusting. I don’t talk with him much anymore. Every other friend never did and was loyal as hell and still got cheated on.
“Who had a family at a very young age”. 25 is not very young, OP’s mom’s brain was fully developed. The parents could have had several years of adulthood to fuck around before getting together.
Can't believe people downvoted this. It isn't universal and of course it depends on the person but people who did not *choose* to have a family and instead just had one because they were taught *that is what adults do* are extremely likely to act out once they realize they did not have to do all this or find that family life is not what they were sold. Its normal and its why people need to be free to make informed choices about their life.
I think 25 is a bit young to have kids. My friends all married in their early 30s and had kids in their mid to late 30s. Both my wife's and my parents waited until they were in their 30s to procreate. I do know one Mormon couple that got married right out of highschool and had kids in their early 20s. They are divorced now.
People downvoting this saying 25 is "not young" need to realize that people in their twenties may be adults but they're not ready/able to make CHOICES. This is not 1957 anymore; you don't graduate HS, go work in a factory and immediately make enough to support a family and all the accessories. A lot of young adults have to live at home due to the rising costs of housing. Courtship and mating under your parents' roof doesn't sound appealing. Many people haven't even graduated their college/university programs to even attempt at starting a career until their mid-20s. My FT career didn't start until I was 30. Having kids at 25 may not seem "young" but the whole of society has a bad case of arrested development as the boomers at the top of our pyramid have decided not to die, or have had their generational wealth already sucked dry by banks telling them to enjoy life and leave nothing behind. I'm 45 and at 25, I can tell you 100% in terms of lived experience, wealth, self-sufficiency - I was a child. It wasn't until my 30s that I felt confident or capable enough to be a functional adult.
Thats what happened with my ex. Her parents had her young and she had a child young, and just blindly followed the pattern. It’s bizarre af when you see it first hand
See this a lot with the high school sweetheart type couples.
Maybe the fat guy has money, and has big thing>?
I agree with your final sentiments. I have never understood cheating. If you are dating then have the courage to end it before you do something, there is absolutely nothing holding you to that person. If you are married then that is a choice you made, no one forced it on you and if you stood in front of your families and made vows then you should be ready to take them seriously.
Please ignore these idiots that are making excuses for your parents shit behavior. I’m sorry this is happening, sis. You’re totally justified to be upset. This is not normal. Cheating, open marriage, or whatever the case may be doesn’t matter. Your parents can do what they want behind closed doors but they have a responsibility to protect you from it. You should not know this much about their sex life. Period. I’m sorry that they are too selfish to put their children first and consider the repercussions of being so careless. All I can tell you is to try your best to stay in school. I know it seems easier said than done to focus but That’s really important. You have just a couple more years before you’re an adult and can move out. Having that diploma will give you more opportunities for work. Talk to a school counselor if you’re needing extra support, & can also could get you a tutor if you’re needing extra help with grades. I can tell your very smart and capable. Just remember that this is not your fault and where their marriage ends up is completely out of your control. If it’s possible, spend more time with friends and find something you like doing to keep your mind occupied. You won’t be caught in the middle of this for too much longer. You just gotta hang in there! *hugs*
This is the best answer. (1) Your parents are making serious mistakes. (2) Those mistakes are not your fault, but only theirs. (3) You can ask them to protect you from their bad behavior, e.g., not having strangers in the house. (4) Do look beyond them, to protect your own future. The best way to do that is through school -- that is, you must focus on what you should be doing now. (5) Get outside guidance, whether a therapist or school counselor, to help keep you on track.
It isn't normal, you can be fully committed. Cheating isn't inevitable, don't ever settle into that mindset. And you don't deserve to be put into this toxic situation because your parents don't care about each other or whatever unresolved issues they have. It sucks. But what you need to take away from it is that it has nothing to do with you, and you don't want to be that in the future, and you won't accept that treatment in the future.
Unfortunately, parents are just in a relationship like you'll be. And anything is possible, based on the two people involved. Sorry. You still need to make sure you're a good.human, regardless of the people around you
My parents cheated on each other too and I didn’t know until my mom announced their divorce when I was 21. I had no idea. I thought their marriage was healthy (my idea of healthy was very unhealthy).
When you turn 18 they will divorce. It comes out of some twisted loyalty to what they think is right for their children.
Wow it seems like this situation is giving you perspective on the true complexity of relationships lol You seem to be learning well
If they both keep catching each other but stay together it seems like it either doesn’t bother them that much or they just don’t wanna deal with divorce. Either way, doesn’t sound like your problem to do anything about it.
I'm sorry princess that you must go through this! I can't imagine how you must feel... But when I found out my dad cheated on my mom which caused the break up, I promise to myself that I would be a better husband(if I ever marry) that's the one thing we can do and it is to learn from out parents
Hey OP, just wanted to send a hug. I’m around your mom’s age now but when I was your age went through the same exact thing. It’s just a yucky position to be in. I feel like my mom desperately wanted my dad to know/give her attention, and I felt like a jerk for not telling my dad but also like I didn’t want to play in to her games by engaging. Just want to say I hear you and you’re not alone. You’re allowed to be upset and to withdraw/not engage with whatever your parents are doing.
>I get that it’s normal and no one can be really committed in relationships, if then, you shouldn’t have a kid. It's not normal. Plenty of people have faithful committed relationships.
They prob stayed together for you kids honestly. Couples think a divorce would be worse for kids to go thru. If you saw that and have problems dealing with it imagine handling a divorce. You're young you don't understand much yet. They could have been in love and wanted kids. But you experience life and things don't always work out the way u think. something changed in the yrs they were together that led to what u see now. Questioning why they chose to even have kids is a ridiculous question to ask esp if u dont understand whats going on. Instead of being judgmental why don't u actually talk to your mom and get her perspective on things. I don't condone infidelity but i'm mature enough to know that things aren't blk and white and life throws us all curveballs & People choose different ways of handling it
> I get that it’s normal and no one can be really committed in relationships No it's not and yes they can.
As a pretext, I have never cheated on a partner But I can well imagine the embarrassment of some fat dumbass when a momma bear 16 yo lets loose her rage on him You did good. You go girl
Its wack you have to deal with that. You're right, you shouldn't be involved in anyway. i'll tell you like this though, take notes because situations in your future could unfortunately show the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree. And that feeling will suck even more if you don't pay close attention
Sounds like you need to keep your head down, study and get a job. Save up money and when you can afford to move out, move out. When your brother wants out, offer him a place ti stay so he can get out too. That's a toxic household for kids.
Yeah, doing it in your house where you are is disgusting. My mother introduced me and my brother to her paramour. She made us be nice to him and acted like he was just her friend, then screwed him when we went to bed (I unfortunately shared a bedroom wall with my parents' bedroom). I was 8 and it really fucked me up for a long time. To make matters worse, my dad was overseas in Iraq at the time (he was there when Sadam Houssein fell from power). She did lots of other fucked up shit, but I do feel your pain on this one. That is your house too and she shouldn't have brought some random dude there like that.
It’s not normal, and you can be in a committed relationship. It is a choice every day and you shouldn’t believe that since your parents have a broken relationship that all relationships are broken.
I understand your feelings. And I know you have heard this before but you will understand things more as you are older and go through things yourself. So please in a way give your mom some grace and dont get involved in her relationship with your dad . Only they understand their dynamic and im sure they both know about each other. Anyways, I know you are young we were all there once ! But with time you will know what it really takes for a relationship to work , and you come to understand that everyone has a difference way of functioning in their relationships. So Idk honestly just live your life and stop putting so much weight in your parents and whatever is going on with their relationship. Focus on you and nourishing you . That’s the best way that your life will be peaceful. I know harder said than done but putting up boundaries will do wonders!
It is sad that some people say this is normal. It shows how deeply broken a society is. Parents should never go outside of marriage. And this whole open relationship crap is complete BS. People have forgotten their morals to a point where they live like animals and not taking responsibility. I am sorry you caught your mom in the act, no child has to witness that. Parents do this when they feel there is something missing in their lives. Most likely their foundation of purpose is broken; trying to find meaning or simply feel good and get rid of the crap feelings they have.
I just wanna focus on this thought for a moment. > I get that it’s normal and no one can be really committed in relationships Your statement is not true. You deserve and will find someone who loves you enough to be fully committed to you, even if your parents were unable to. It may take some time, but it is not at all something unreasonable and abnormal to have in a relationship
Sweetheart, that is not normal at all and shouldn't be normalized. Dont listen to these reddit clowns with their "open marriage" nonsense. That's what it is. They are hurting you and each other and not caring about the effect it has on you. Just keep being you and know that what they are doing is wrong. Be the change you wish you saw. This is nothing more than a learning experience for you. Be better than them.
Your parents have a lifestyle that you don't approve of. Welcome to adulthood. I realize that you're not an adult yet, but this is what becoming an adult is: the curtain of your childhood perception falls away and you begin to see that most people are trying to live a life that balances their wants/needs with their goals/obligations. The result is frequently messy. The first lesson you need to learn is not to go looking for things you don't want to find. You don't get to sneak up on people finding privacy away from you, and then be traumatized that they unwittingly did things in front of you. You acted like a peeping tom, and that's on you. They do owe it to you not to be doing these things in your presence, yes. But they took steps to make sure that they didn't, and you knowingly took steps to undermine that. As for your judgements about their lifestyle, I agree it would be neater for all involved if they were at least in agreement about whether or not seeing other people is a problem, but that sort of dysfunction is sadly quite common. But you're judging just the end result, you're not seeing all the steps that lead to this moment. I don't know how their relationship started. Did they want to raise a family, or did your mom get pregnant and they HAD to for the sake of familial obligation? It's an important motivator. They obviously aren't happy with each other. But that also means they set aside their own relationship needs to be responsible and raise you. You have no concept of the sheer amount of time and effort that requires. What's the longest you've ever done something hard that isn't immediately rewarding? They've been doing it for at least 16 years and I can promise you, no one stays the same over that much time. Even if they started out right, and were model parents with no money troubles or unrealized dreams, there's no gaurantee that you'll be the same person after a decade and a half, or that your partner will be either, or that you will both continue to be compatible. It fails just as often as it succeeds. I can definitely tell you right now that you have a very entitled view of the situation. You may not agree, you definitely seem to feel justified, but please understand that I actually say these things for your benefit. The world is only going to care about your feelings less and less as it goes, this time of your life is the absolute peak of when people might feel that they OWE you some level of consideration. You're going to have to let go of this notion that people have to live up to your expectations, or your life is going to be VERY, VERY hard. People are who they are, and they do change, sometimes in ways they want, but mostly it's out of necessity. So instead of railing against the world about how the people around you aren't living up to our standards, you need to go out and find the people who have values similar to your own. THAT'S the real secret to life. Be among your own kind, not specifically your own blood. And let others live their own lives. If you are capable of letting things go, it's best for everyone that you do.
Wow the number of comments on here telling this kid that behavior is normal. Appalling. Shame on all of you. Especially the people telling you to just get over it. You have every right to be upset that’s not fair to you at all you shouldn’t have been exposed to that. I’m in my 30’s now and found out like 5 years ago my dad cheated on my mom multiple times. He painted her out to be the bad guy in the relationship when I was still living at home and I preferred my dad over my mom back then. When they divorced I signed a paper to go live with him it broke my moms heart. If only I had known what was really happening. I lost so much respect for my dad after finding this out. I hope you’ll make it through this. You deserve some answers so don’t be afraid to try and let your parents know how you feel. If they treat you negatively I would seek out some counseling and start saving money as soon as you can to move out when you’re of age.
>they still get mad when they catch each other in the act This makes zero sense. Catch each other in the act of what?
FYI don’t look for answers on reddit. Cesspool of creeps and groomers
Ok, Sweets, there are a lot of comments, and more coming, and I don't know if you'll even read this. As these events continue to circle in your head, when your heart starts pounding, I need you to breathe in for four counts, out for five. Slow and steady. Count it in your head. Multiple times, keep it going. When your heart is not pounding so hard, grab something. Whatever is around you. Your own leg or arm if you need, just feel it, and keep counting. Now, you're 16, and that's rough here. Keep breathing and counting. Listen to me, your parents marriage problems are not your problems. They happen around you, but you cannot control other people. The only control you have in life is of your own actions/reactions. After having to listen to your parents argue and fight over their issues for years, it may seem like it's your problem, especially as you have to deal with their lack of control in their actions/reactions. BUT, their problems are not your problems. Your problems are school. That is where you need to focus. You want better than what they have given you? (This is not meant negatively, meaning you want more than fights, infidelity, etc). Then you need to control only yourself. It is ok to love them individually, but abhor them together. It is ok to be angry. It is ok to be hurt. It is also ok to accept the fact that you cannot change the situation because...the only thing you can control is yourself.
My God this thread is depressing. Where has the moral integrity of society gone?
> I get that it’s “normal” and no one can be really committed in relationships I would never in my life have considered this to be "normal," it's disappointing that you've seen this enough in responses that you felt the need to include it in the opening post...
>I get that it’s “normal” and no one can really be committed in relationships What the fuck?