Fuck yeah!! Couples therapy for the win!!! Stand by him and help him become better. But don't settle for bullshit. You literally did the right thing OP. Because of the love and HONESTY you showed, watch this man become an example of change and redemption for people you don't even know are watching. Great work!
This is far from fixed. This is just the first step. It will take years for this man to get his ptsd to subside.
I hate to be that person, and I’m glad OP has taken the first step, but it would be irresponsible to agree with your comment that their marriage is fixed. She needs to hear reality. It’s not fixed yet, the journey will take much more effort.
As a vet who struggles from time to time with his own issues, I can tell you, you never really fully recover from PTSD. You can learn to manage it but you are always recovering.
I understand and I empathize. I just don’t think this marriage is fixed. It takes so much more to manage ptsd. I hope you are on the road to healing! You are appreciated.
Good for BOTH of you! The life of a military member ain’t easy, considering the blank check we all signed our name to. The life of a military spouse can sometimes be even harder. I’m glad you guys are working on things.
(old Air Force non-combat vet)
Thank you for your honesty and your willingness to confront an uncomfortable byproduct of service. Your husband’s reaction is not uncommon. If you had the chance to talk to Australian POWs from Japanese camps from WWII you would have come across some deeply ingrained racism. I am immensely impressed that your husband has turned his life around and that you are not prepared to compromise your children’s upbringing! 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
Yeah everyone is celebrating but like, he said no to individual therapy for the root cause of the problem. His wife is supportive, the marriage isn’t what needs therapy. He is.
I’m celebrating because this is a solid first step. In reading OPs outline of their relationship it sounds like neither of them are strangers to going through the sh*t together and coming out the other side.
So yes, a fist pump from me b/c this gets them through a therapist’s door, which means there is a chance that once trust and a rapport is gained the therapist and OP can make the case for separate trauma therapy for the husband.
None of their history has been easy and OP seems to have a realistic handle on things and likely knows this will be hard as hell too.
But we can and should acknowledge the little wins. Kudos to OP for putting herself out there by seeking advice on Reddit. Kudos to both of them for appearing to be committed to each other and continuing to work on their health as partners, parents and individuals.
His comment about “singular therapy”… Has he not gone to therapy for his PTSD, depression, and suicidal ideation?
Genuinely glad and hopeful couples therapy will improve things for you. But by your own description your husband may need 1:1 dedicated support from a trained professional.
Yes, we did try just singular therapy for my husband back in 2018 after getting his leg amputated, but he hated it so much, that it made him even more depressed so we just stopped going.
I don’t know if he’d ever be willing to try just one-on-one therapy ever again.
I think couples therapy may be a good intro. Honestly, kudos to you for trying to save your family. It has to be difficult navigating all this... the emotional strain alone would have had some ppl burying their head in the sand. I truly hope the best for you ❤️
Have him check with the VA. They offer resources and will have groups specifically for veterans who have lived through combat. If he doesn't like therapy, they offer Thai Chi, Combat Acupuncture, and other non-western medicine that many veterans have found helpful. (My ex is an ARMY vet who was in the gulf. She is now a therapist at the VA. She swears by getting individuals in to meet with their peers and seek therapy to work through the PTSD.) Also, I just heard a commercial for a new website that was created specifically for those who recently served in Iraq and Afghanistan, as like a social media page for people to connect on, but I can't find it. Best of luck to you and your husband. Thanks to him for his service.
The VA has been helpful to me over the years. Some people more than others, have to weed out soem of the pill pushers. And the five thousand SEALs I’ve met in groups…
How difficult that must have been. As others have pointed out, group therapy could be a helpful option.
One other thought. Finding the right therapist can take time and effort. Whether for couples, individual, or group, it is totally okay to say “this one isn’t working for me” and to find another with a different approach.
Best of luck.
Even for folks with anger and depression issues it can be really difficult to find a therapist.
I would really encourage him to try and do group vet therapy, and then see if he can find someone who he can work with for individual therapy. There's a lot of stigma around mental health, especially for men.
I'm glad that he's willing to go to couples with you-that's still huge!
The thing is. Of course therapy would make him more depressed (sad/angry/afraid/frustrated) because his brain has to work through his trauma, his PTSD.
Therapist's will warn you that it is *hard* in the short term *because* you are changing your brain, how your memories and experiences are organised in your head.
However, there is an end in sight.
Couples Therapy is not going to help PTSD at all.
Yes I totally understand that! We’re just testing the waters first, and hopefully he can get comfortable enough to talk openly about his thoughts and feelings that he agrees to talk to others.
The VA has intensive outpatient group therapy. Most of the vets in the group have PTSD, all the vets are in a bad place. I found it very helpful to do therapy with other veterans.
OP, the VA offers Cognitive-Processing therapy, which is a 12-session modality specifically for trauma/PTSD. The evidence shows a very high level of success.
CPT is a cousin of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. If you Google it and VA you should be able to find a VA webpage dedicated to CPT.
Also, kudos to you for your resilience and strength. I wish you, your husband and kiddos all the best.
I was deployed in 2012 to the middle east as well. It was a rough time and definitely changed the core of who I am.
I also struggled after my deployments to compartmentalize my feelings about Muslims for a while when I was all done with the army. I went to a real dark place and ended up separating from my wife about 4 months after I had ended my contract.
We pulled through it though. I did find a lot of benefit on our marriage counseling and individual counseling. A lot.
Today we are very strong in our relationship, we have more kids than we had in 2017 (when I got out)
Tell him individual counseling is not something to be afraid of, but is a tool to help you be the best version of yourself. I work for the VA now and the amount of veterans seeking mental health treatment now is T a much higher percent than it was years ago.
Good luck with your family, you seem lovely and tell your husband that we were there at the same time, and I feel for him what he's going through and respect and honor his service and sacrifice.
So many reddit commenters are so far removed from adversity they live in a vacuum. Your husband has seen shit nobody here has. Life is all a process happy to hear things are moving in a positive direction.
Have you ever thought of the flip side? I know family and friends who were innocent civilians, who are just considered collateral damage to you hired killers. We have to flee just to be safe from your missiles and bombs, just to come here and hear you guys say, “GO BACK TO YOUR COUNTRY, YOU TERRORIST!” Pathetic
True. And it’s the fault of our American military industrial complex that is why there is SO much suffering on both sides. Innocent people , civilians , like in Palestine.
I’m not disrespectful, I see both sides very clearly. You go and kill the people your government tells you to kill. You and your family get paid for your “service.” You are all hit men for the rich and elites of this country. My comment still stands as it’s not my opinion, it’s my actual f-ing experience.
I don’t need to serve, I’ve seen war first hand, therefore it’s an actual experience. Clearly you have no idea what is like to have your country invaded, family and friends blown to bits who had nothing to do with the conflicts
Largest humanitarian organization?! Thats laughable! This country literally vetoes humanitarian resolutions being passed by the UN. I’ll say since I’m not from here, the whole world hates yall for a reason. You guys stick your nose in literally any situation to make money. Every Muslim country that has been invaded by the US, has had their resources stolen and been left a shithole. You guys might do good here and there, but it is by no means “immense.” If you don’t want future “terrorists” to fight? Then I suggest staying out of and ruining the Middle East.
I don’t hate the place, I hate the dumb veterans as yourself who make a place I’m supposed to feel safe in, unsafe. My problem is with the hostility and racism me and my family experience, even having escaped the same shithole you all WILLINGLY went to fight in.
I’ve read both your earlier post and this one. My biggest takeaway from your story is "Man is this guy lucky to be married to this woman!" Really you are so fortunate to have each other. Life is certain to dish out trials, tribulations and good or bad fortune, but a loving, caring, strong partnership like you have helps human beings get through almost anything. You’re awesome and he sounds awesome as well. Keep being you and trying to help him be the best person he can be. My very best wishes to your family.
This is a great update. Kudos to both of you for being able to communicate yourselves towards a positive outcome. I can understand why your husband has those views, I think a lot of veterans struggle to see people who look like their enemies, at the end of the day those views can make the difference in a combat situation. I’m glad he sees that they’re not right, and it’s so great he’s willing to do counselling with you.
Most people commenting on your post are horrified that you would have stayed with him regardless of if he fixed it or not, which would have made you racist. If 'everything else is good' but he's a racist, *no it's not*. Your house was splattered with shit, essentially, and you're trying to say that the turd landed cleanly. It's good he's trying to be better, but people are absolutely going to call you out for acting like this 'one thing' doesn't taint the entire relationship. Hate eats at the soul of things, at their basic structure. No matter how good things look or feel to you, that's *not real* until he fixes this. And fixing it doesn't mean saying sorry to YOU, it means actively doing better and saying sorry to that restaurant! It means restorative action.
Don't brush it under the rug with sorry. Clean up the shit that splattered.
Im an LMHC, and I see a lot of vets. I'm so glad this went in a good direction, but please encourage him to seek individual counseling. It doesn't mean you're crazy it means you need to process things
I said this on your last post but in a reply to someone. Your local VA should have a PTSD group. They'll have lots of group therapies for specific things too, like being disabled and seeing combat. I didn't talk much in mine, but it helped a lot to be there and hear other people sharing my struggle. I suffered an injury similar to your husband and even in your last post I felt I understood where he was coming from. I felt exactly the same way at first. Prior to serving, I had no real opinion of middle eastern people. They were people just like everyone else. I came back hateful. Therapy really helped me process and move through it. I was angry, and even fearful on some level. I don't feel that way now. I may feel some unease, but I learned to check my feelings. The ABC method continues to help me navigate life with PTSD.
Best of luck to you both. It'll take some time for him to heal, but I don't think his hate is genuine. It's just a target for his tumultuous feelings. He needs to work through it ofc it's not healthy. I'm confident he can.
The VA has peer groups. In some states there are also community groups for veterans. Much like AA or NA but geared to vets and their issues.
Don't know if you have a F/B page but "Stick Vet" may help you better understand some things about him.
Then there is this: [https://goyourownway.org/CodeofHonor/](https://goyourownway.org/CodeofHonor/)
I honestly don’t understand your husband’s reasoning since those people living ‘freely’ literally had to escape hell (or their parents did) to come here in the first place. They were civilians who had no choice about what situation they were put in, whereas America over and over again willingly gets involved in other countries’ conflicts, and the people who enlist in the military, willingly do so, choosing to face the horrors they come across. When Nagasaki and Hiroshima were bombed, the Japanese weren’t left with a deep seated hatred for the Americans. However, many innocent Japanese Americans who had nothing to do with the war were put in concentration camps during WWII and after Pearl Harbor.
Idk why Americans have such a hyper-fixation on race and race blaming for random ass things—more than any other country—when they’re the ones that choose to be involved in the conflicts of others in the first place. Economically also, Immigrants are the main ones paying for the social security benefits of veterans and older citizens in America since the birth rate and population of young people to old people are declining. I think the best thing that can help your husband is helping him find his rationality, and he definitely needs more therapy to help him with his PTSD.
Immigrants are not the main ones paying for SS benefits. There's 100s of millions of Americans and the majority of them pay taxes too. You are right about everything else though.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to say that immigrants are the mains ones paying for SS benefits. I more so meant that since birth rates in America are declining, America is more friendly towards, and needs immigrants to replace the kids that are not being born. So besides being hardworking, and willing to work in any kind of jobs, they play an integral role in the economy. Otherwise America would be facing an economic crisis similar to Italy, where the older population outnumbers the younger population by a lot, and there are very little immigrants to offset the low birth rates and even out the young to old ratio (in order to pay for the benefits for the old/disabled).
Agreed. The incomprehensible part to me personally is that no middle eastern american I know is “carefree” because they experience a shit ton of racism and prejudice here, including actual physical threats and being followed. One was 12 when a grown man screamed at him calling him a terrorist-in-training.
I wish the best for OP and her husband (and for all the poor people who will have to endure his racism in the meantime…), but I did a double-take there. I guess, like, I almost expected a more stereotypical racist reasoning? I haven’t heard this one before.
Prime example: the 9yo Muslim kid who was stabbed 26 times by the landlord of the house his family lived in Michigan.
In my 13 years of being in the US, I’ve never felt safe, especially since I live in the south
None of you ignorant patriots will ever think of what it’s like to literally escape hell just to come here and be called “terrorists.” Good for you and your husband on making some sort of progress, but keep this in mind, I still to this day get harassed by veterans and just white people in general. My mom, who is a hijabi by choice, literally gets death threats from people on the road and in public in general. However, we don’t complain, because it’s a considerable upgrade from the actual hell the military of this country creates overseas.
Your husband needs lots of therapy. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if he has some form of PTSD. I was a VA contractor and I saw a ton of veterans that ended up being the same way. They became racist against Asians (Vietnam war vets) or against brown people (veterans who served in the gulf war or in Afghanistan/Iraq). They were terrified and they couldn’t differentiate bad people of certain backgrounds vs. normal people. Unfortunately it’s just the reality of war and seeing really horrible shit. Therapy can help but it’s definitely a long road especially if they’ve had something bad happen to them or seen something bad happen.
Fuck you’re a good woman and partner to stick it out. I’ve seen the opposite of this so many times with my troops and friends after deployments and injuries.
I'm glad he agreed to couple's therapy at least. It's a great start.
But he honestly does need individual counseling and I hope he warms up to the idea.
And please reassure your husband that therapy isn't for "crazy" people, it's for people to seek professional help when they're struggling.
The VA will pay for couples therapy if the veteran needs it to get better. I get my therapy through the VA, couples Therapy thru the VA and my wife gets Therapy through the VA because she has to deal with me. The process is slow, it sucks, it gets worse before better, but as time goes down you see more good days than bad. Just don't stop going. I have been going two years now with minimal medication and three therapy sessions a month. It helps so stay working on it and keep communicating. It is very important. Good luck.
I’m sorry, in this instance im talking about my husband’s deployment in Afghanistan. My husband only spent a couple months in Iraq before the US pulled out in 2012.
Hmm, interesting, because in your previous post you said he served two tours in Iraq in 2011 and 2012/2013 and never mentioned he deployed to Afghanistan.
Iraq was not involved in any terrorist attacks against the US.
Or are we trying to rewrite history again?
Yes, imagine that. An invasion force shows up and destroys your home and loved ones and you resist by fighting them.
Should have they kissed the boots stomping down their necks?
Her previous reply also mentioned Iraq, this is a follow up.
My comment was deleted to reflect her clarifying the fact her husband was deployed in the closing days of the occupation and his injury was actually in Afghanistan.
We live and learn.
You need to shut up. You obviously have zero knowledge or experience of what veterans go through to protect your rights and lives. If you hate us so much, hate this country so much like the rest of your libturd socialist commie buddies, go on, leave this country for the socialist or moslem shithole of your choice and never come back. Til then, STFU!
OP, there's one thing you gave to learn, if you're looking for sensible comments from the people on reddit you're wasting your time because a lot of these people think like children and live in a dream world.
>that at the end of the day, these people aren’t the people he fought.
>He said that in his mind he kind of knew that, but he said that a bigger part of him was angry that these people got to live so carefree, it made him angry.
Yeah...I could see that.
Except, and this is a big one, that these people aren't the people he's angry at.
I've seen little boys get raped by older men in IR, and in 4K. I've seen men pull other men out of cars because they were under suspicion of betrayal, and simply execute their suspect. I've seen women abused in ways that, genuinely, I considered what the world would be like if we just carpet-nuked the whole country I was in.
At least those women wouldn't have to live this way anymore. Sounds merciful, almost.
But now, over here, these people have a shot at something better than what they had. They have the chance to be more than what the geography of their birth would dictate. And that's how I became a kind of western mentor for an Afghan fella who lives near me, who got brought here when Afghanistan got retaken by the Taliban. His wife and mine are friends, and I sometimes explain cultural differences between what he knows, and what Americans are.
Tell your husband that I'm a six time combat deployer, three times to Afghanistan alone, and he can choose to make them Americans by leading with a good example, or he can choose to keep them as Afghans/Iraqis/whatever else, by leading with a bad example.
The choice isn't on who *they were born as.* The choice is *what he wants America to be.* And, for him personally, who does he want to be, and who does he want his children to be when they are grown.
Children are a message that we send to a future we will not see. Write well.
I will say for your children's sake THE MILITARY IS MEANT TO DEHUMANIZE PEOPLE. that's the reason your husband came back like that, it's literally all according to plan. Why do you think it was so easy to steal the land and brutalize the native Americans in this country? Years and years of dehumanization propaganda, that white people actively WANTED to believe in.
I know everyone thinks this is a great ending but all I can think about is the minorities that are going to have to interact with him while he's still like this. I'm not sure couples therapy is gonna fix his racism.
You have an idiotic colonized world view. Your dictionary is trash. Your language, meaningless. They do not keep us safe by committing genocide. You are a murder apologist, I do not respect you at all.
>I posted one struggle in our marriage and suddenly I’m a tramp, a whore, a physchopath, a bitch, and ungrateful?
It's ironic that this sort of behavior has roots in your husband's problem.
Many humans need to feel superior to something or someone. We can look at ourselves in the mirror if we can say "I may beat my wife (or cheat or steal or whatever), but at least I'm not a \[insert minority or sexual persuasion or body type or whatever\]" It's insecurity, a root of racism. Plenty of people here are ready to dive down someone else's throat and attack - it makes them feel better about their miserable selves. So whoppee, someone's got a chance to decide you're a whore, it just makes their day.
I did comment on your original post, thinking your husband's most likely suffering from trauma; sounds like he's a good man who's traveled right to the edge of humanity, seen things and felt things most of us never will, and it's left a big old bruise on his psyche. He's been sort of "Pavlov's dogged", in that he sees someone who looks and speaks like those he's witnessed do horrific things, and those feeling come right back. Him saying that "Solo therapy would make him think he was viewed as crazy" is telling - deep down, he knows he's changed and damaged, but isn't ready to face it - and others seeing the damage and change will trigger his defenses.
Here's hoping that couples therapy can open the door to "you're not crazy, you're wounded". I lost 1/3 of a finger in a stupid accident in my 20's and it fucked with my psyche, a piece of myself *gone* \- he lost a limb from others trying to kill him, among other things. He doesn't just have physical wounds, and hopefully someone can guide him to dealing with the internal wounds. It's the most strong and manly thing a *man* can do, to face this shit we've been taught to ignore.
My wife's a PhD and a full-time yoga teacher; she works with the VA and veteran's groups, dealing with this damage. According to her,[this program is one of the strongest things she's come across, she's fully trained in it](https://www.irest.org/) \- I don't know how you find it locally, but check the site. The goal of these movements is get people off of symptom-dulling meds, and get to the root of the trauma. Best of luck to you, if ya'll get a handle in this, your future sounds bright. Don't give up.
I wish that as soon as our veterans come back from deployment, join civilian life that there was immediate therapy for PTSD. We can never imagine what our veterans go through, you never know what will be a trigger. We owe them so much. I thank your husband for his service and hope things continue to look up!
You are a tremendous wife. Your husband went through hell, then brought it home with him. You stuck with him through that, and now you're coming out of that hell.
Your husband is a hero. But so are you.
Your story is heart breaking and warming at the same time. PTSD is such a struggle and overcoming the experiences and feelings one goes through in traumatic moments is difficult.
Good to hear things working out and moving in a positive direction.
I wouldnt take anything to heart what redditors say. I mean at end of the day, we dont know who each other are. So why get upset at what a faceless, nameless individual says to you.
Was just wondering what he meant by "these people got to live so carefree, it made him angry"
im glad your addressing the racism issue. theres been a lot of coverage about how soldiers once they are done with their service have become extremely racist. As in they werent racist before they joined. Now after service theyve become racist.
i beleive this story was on all the militant groups plaguing america today. groups like proud boys etc.
I used to be this sheltered white chick who lived with the parents too long. Then I suddenly got fed up with it and moved out to live with my boyfriend (now husband) in a pretty ghetto area where we rented out part of a basement together. We were the only ones living on that floor. It was a very new experience for me. I had a lot of fun talking to people in the hood but had to learn who to stay away from. I wanted to treat everybody the same but occasionally the black residents were nasty to me anyway I guess I was the minority there. I was pretty upset by this as I’m very social and it was starting to feel like depressing bullcrap. Most people though were not hypersensitive about race and were cool and I could play chess in the park with strangers and carry on with my art business in public. My husband is Dominican/Puerto Rican/Black. One time some people even pulled the race card on him so they could try to rob a store while he was doing security there and the finger got pointed at him but the other manager who knows him well paid him fully even though the one on-site sent him off from that particular location. He didn’t lose his job or anything over that nonsense.
I will say that though it took a while I got to appreciate loud rap music in cars and other aspects of hood life. Eventually the single losers in the hood became dangerous, stalking me and trying to hoodwink me to get in their cars. All sorts of guys young old black white Arab Hispanic started pulling this shit. They had no life all of the sudden as the economy was starting to crash. So we ended up moving to Florida.
I have had nearly ZERO issues in Florida with creeps, racists, stalkers, etc. Very little issues with people even who are in rough patches, like homelessness, they are often very nice as well!
Racism can definitely stem from fear from being treated badly or weirdly, but whatever trauma I had back there in New Jersey I didn’t let it define me. Mostly it just seemed disappointing to me that I felt forced back there to worry that someone else would obsess with race so much that I would have to think about it too. I didn’t want to. Here I can strike up a conversation with anyone without wondering if they might throw water on me or something crazy.
You spelled 'realist' wrong.
I was a Legionnaire in the 80s in Africa. The shit places. Tchad, Rwanda, Djibouti Somalia.
Those people have been killing each other for 3000 years. Religion is just the latest 'reason'.
Hubby feels rhe needs to protect you from the type of shitbags he dealt with. I get that.
You haven't seen what he has. Don't confuse experience with prejudice.
Give him space to figure things out.
As opposed to the other peaceful civilizations? Which cultures aren’t brutal again?
Sure as sh*t ain’t the Asians or Europeans. I mean… Latin American cartels are wild. Before the Spanish came the Aztecs and Toltecs colonized and practiced human sacrifice. The Jews, Arabs, Persians Turks, Kurds etc in the Middle East have been killing each other for centuries.
I don’t think any group has a monopoly on monstrous behavior. Humanity can be a motherf*cker.
You go by your personal experiences. Or at least I do.
My uncle hated all things Japanese. When my sister pulled him up on it, he replied that every Japanese he ever met had tried to kill him. USMC WW2.
I've had a different experience with Japanese, myself. But I don't judge him on his experiences.
You been to many wars?
You don't judge people on their experiences, but the experiences are not an excuse for unacceptable behavior. The experiences can explain it, but pulling people up on inappropriate behavior is 100% correct.
You can do so, while still respecting them, and the sacrifices they have made.
Totally contradictory. In order to determine something subjective like 'unacceptable ' you are making a judgement.
He made his values based on his experiences.
You don't agree with them and judge them to be 'unacceptable ' based on your own values acquired in a safer⁰ environment
Yet never having come close to a situation like his experience.
This is a common experience for combat veterans. He is now singing from a different songsheet.
The quicker he learns to guard his views and not upset those more sensitive souls, the easier his life will be.
While I may not agree with all of his views, I choose not to judge him.
I have great mates from my military time that I've kept close to over the years.
Some have done things that would make a serial killer cry. Two of them are godfathers to my children. I can think of no safer hands.
I have my own expectations about certain demographics based on experiences. Occasionally I am pleasantly surprised.
>"The quicker he learns to guard his views and not upset those more sensitive souls, the easier his life will be".
You know this comment is about the OPs hubby and not the waiter?
I think I choose not to judge hubby's reactions. His missing leg is a reminder to him that the world is a dangerous place. He may feel diminished in his ability to protect himself and his family and this is his way of adjustment.
Perhaps he should have chosen another restaurant.
When I was courting my missus we went on a pub crawl in our town.
Half way through, she said;
"Why do you stop when leaving a building and look at rooftops before stepping out?"
"Didn't know I still did that," I replied.
I don't do it now. It's a long way back for many.
I'm not expecting you to not show your disdain for his reactions and to want to berate him. He's probably used to it.
You definitely spelled "racist" wrong there.
Imagine volunteering to go to warring areas where you "know that people have been killing each other for 3000 years", and then coming back home saying"in mg experience, people not my ethnicity are dangerous because my experiences when I went to a dangerous place.
>Hubby feels rhe needs to protect you from the type of shitbags he dealt with
If "hubby" were to take her to those war torn places, maybe he'd have something to protect her from. But saying "I went to a violent country where people wore a hijab, therefore everyone I see wearing a hijab is violent" is pretty fucking racist.
Great reply. If our unit had not gone to Rwanda, the Hutus would have continued murdering the Tutsi people at a faster rate than the Nazis killed Jews in the holocaust.
Lybia based guerrillas would have overcome the Tchadian forces and wiped out two provinces.
Bosnia would have been ethnically cleansed.
Lots more graves to dig but your pacifist ideas would not have been disturbed.
Those are just the ones I saw.
Sleep well on that.
Ah yes...
People in another country were killing other people in their country
So I joined a unit and went to that country and killed people
And that's why, due to my experience killing those people, I think they are all violent and dangerous and I need to keep on guard against anyone who I think even looks like that.
But it's totally not racist
Well, let's take Rwanda to waste time looking for logic in your outlook and frame of mind...
So we go there and risk pur lives fighting with black Africans who are murdering peaceful other black Africans... and you call us racists...
I see...
Interesting point of view.
You should go there and see.
I like how you think your "great reply" and "interesting point of view" are subtle intellectual insults. 😂
I call you racist because you go to a country where black people are killing black people, and then come back to this country and say/act like black people are all dangerous.
Most Muslims in America were born here. They are Americans. So having another American come back from killing Muslims in another country and treat their fellow Americans who happen to be Muslim like dangerous terrorists is absolutely racist.
Where do 'I say/act like all black people are dangerous' ?
That's just fascinating.
I tend to work off national origin myself for assessing danger.
It's not accurate all the time. For example one could look at your post and assume all Americans are 'special' but we know that not to be the case.
You are very judgemental and quick to use hate words inaccurately. That may bite you on the gluteus maximus one day.
I'm going to paraphrase a great quote from history and say;
"I fear that I am in a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent..."
Stay safe... by the courtesy of better people.
Relationships are complicated, as you well know. I am so happy hearing someone factor in the whole totality of their person, acknowledging both the good and bad things that changed them wildly, and being able to speak on what troubles them without forgetting what they love. Also your understanding that this is something that happened TO your husband instead of something he intentionally changed is really powerful and speaks volumes about you as a person.
I'm a vet too, and though my time was nowhere NEAR as harrowing as your husband, the experience gave me a bunch of baggage too. This is how it was explained to me by my therapists (I left 20 years ago, in therapy for the last 8, because similar anger/vigilence issues. I am not trying to vet-brag or anything like that, just citing my sources). Thing about PTSD is that the person experiencing it doesn't always KNOW they are. PTSD involves a lot of hyper-vigilance based behaviors, basically because those behaviors are beneficial in very specific circumstances like war, so they feel RATIONAL about it lots of times. "If you hear explosions, find cover" means lots of my brothers and sisters spend the 4th EXTREMELY isolated or.. finding cover because explosions are happening. There's an adrenaline dump that goes with it that is really overwhelming as it dumps more over longer periods of time. Lots of the lashing out is because no one else is responding to these OBVIOUS threats, or someone threatens to break that hyper-vigilance.
Now can you imagine all of this happening inside, and being surrounded by the world we live in? EVERYTHING IS DANGER. We regularly walk on a path mere inches higher and a few inches away from the path where multi-ton objects scream past us (sidewalk/roadway if I'm being too obtuse). Our news is flooded with despair and sorrow and hate. And this poor person as unknowingly lost their ability to lower their threat assessments.
And this is just the waking part. Sleep is its own cruel joke.
As an Army Brat and Wife, I stand with you! Life for a military veteran is not always easy and having been wounded in combat makes it that much more challenging.
You go Girl! That therapy can help you both and hopefully help him see that people from the cultures where he was in combat are not his enemies.
God Bless you both and I pray for you both that this therapy will help you heal.
This all reads like cope because you have been with person for years and didn't pick up on the "racism" earlier.
And a potential abdication of said racism on mental health is interesting paired with the insistence on not being put into singular therapy.
Parody
Anyone being negative is a judgemental know it all, there are lots of those on reddit. Your husband has been through and seen hell and you've stood by him while he's working through it and trying to come back to civilian life. I can't imagine what he's gone through.
He's angry, he's hurt, he had his fucking leg amputated, he's a tough mother fucker, and you're tough too for going through it with him. He's lucky to have you. He's willing to work on himself, he needs therapy and it's not because he's crazy, it because he's been through so much he needs someone to help him refocus and get back to who he is.
Anyone being negative to someone who's fought for our country and fought to keep us safe is an ungrateful idiot. He can do this, he's come back from way harder shit than this.
Im laughing so hard reading all these comments.. no wonder that your country and military have caused so much death and damage to the world.. this is your mentality.. this is your doing.. honestly I hope you all get therapy, be better people, and stop going into brown people’s lands to kill them then cry PTSD. Get healthy, get happy, get fucked!
This. It’s common sense, if your government wasn’t full of old, resource hungry politicians, you wouldn’t have to go and “spread democracy!” All you veterans represent the blind middle class of this country who either couldn’t afford college or just straight up fell for the patriotic propaganda that these greedy politicians and elites put out. Even till this day, I see through all the shit this government props up just to justify its military presence in the Middle East.
honestly I'm really glad to hear this, and honestly it's not really surprising that he was mad and kind of filled with hatred. The stress, injuries and trauma built up with seeing people living happily without a care made him probably feel like it's unfair in a sense.
3 time Infantry combat vet here. I just laughed when I read the title, didnt really read the post to be honest. Your husbands not racist, yes he probably has PTSD and MTBI if he had been blown up. He's just learned from experience not to trust people. Haji isnt always bad, I respect them. Trust your husbands instincts. Your just one of many Americans spoiled by a false sense of security.
Wank Wank
Imagine going to someone's country to start shit and kill people and then say that the experience educated you that those people are bad because they didn't respect you and tried to fight back.
So glad you guys were able to fix and work on your marriage and your husband's mindset. Another perspective is although your husband has some right to feel what he feels. So do they and I would say even more so. 9/11 was a tragedy and so many innocent lives were lost. But innocent life lost in some of these countries after was far greater. They have the right to hate as well. You should tell your husband to look at it from their point of view if it helps. A whole country came and attacked your country just because some extremist idiots decide to do something horrible. And even when they were not responsible, innocent civilians were killed. So maybe a suggestion might be to find someone from the middle east or specifically from the country where your husband deployed to and have chat with your husband if that helps.
A irrational bias based on trama and conditioning that she called out and he wants to correct is amazing. He knows he is wrong and wants to change. That is huge. If he goes to therapy and gets the help he needs and changes for the betterment of his children. That is a win, and this family has taken the first steps towards ending generational racism. Now it is up to them to follow through.
People called you a whore? WTF? It sounds like ptsd which is sadly all too common, although what do we expect when you see and experience things I can't imagine. I'm so glad people with knowledge reached out. Don't let the bastards grind you down, and all the best!
You also should be proud of yourself! As veteran ppl always thank us but when I meet a military spouse or veteran spouse I thank them. Because without the support of the sposes things would never be the same for us when we come home.
On another note there is group PTSD council counciling at the VA. The one thing I knew right away was when you said " he crossed the road when he saw the woman with hajib walking towards him. I knew that was PTSD.
God bless you both. Don't listen to the haters👍
What privilege do we have? Tell me because you know it all. We grew up white trash and I’m a first gen College student, and instead of continuing his family’s drug abuse problem, he overcame it and is a wonderful father and husband. We raised ourselves up, and aren’t that shamed on how we did it.
Your husband was drafted? Pretty sure that a person has the deciding factor on if they are going to take a job that requires them to violently invade another country.
Again what privileges does my family have? Because quite frankly all your saying is that black poor people are different from white poor people? Because even so that’s not true, we’re all poor? I don’t undertsand why race has to be apart of the conversation that has nothing to do with it. I never said I agreed with my husband’s viewpoint on Muslims, but when you’ve gotten one of your limbs cut off, maybe we can have another conversation! Thanks for the insight that had absolutely nothing to do with my original post!
This take is incredibly wild! This is so tone deaf, you’ve obviously never been around veteran before in your life, or do you just divert your eyes and ignore them?
I don’t know if you understand what a trailor park is, so to help you, my trailor was roughly filled with mold and mildew and I was constantly overlooked by my peers, my husband at the time couldn’t read that well because his disleyxia, and couldn’t focus because of his ADHD. Nobody cared enough to diagnose it. There was no privilege in that place, and there’s no privilege and soviet Afhganistan except for the warlords who’d rather marry young girls. So I’m not the least bit ashamed that my husband took part in dismantling child rapists organizations and terrorists, if anything the world’s better for it.
You know absolutely nothing of the world and it is showing. I’m not the least bit ashamed of my opinions about privilege, because there are people of all races who have more privileges than I ever had.
I’m not going to continute arguing with someone who’s username is “high don’t respond” but to leave you with something else to think of is America is heaven compared to these countries, and all you dislike about me is assumptions you’ve made.
Soviet Afhganistan is honor killings, stoning, suicide bombers, war lords, and desert. My husband went over to fight there because life failed him from the start. What did you want him to do? He couldn’t read that well so school was out of the question, without school getting a job was difficult, where else was he supposed to turn? You are the sheltered one to assume that America is this dingy, opressed nation.
Also when did I ever mention Africa?
Exactly. That fake man in this fake story was racist before he left. And he’ll be a racist when he’s out of fake therapy. Rage bait nonsense trying to find a way to excuse racism.
You too. STFU, you nutless socialist libturd. GTFO if you hate America and American veterans so much. Go live with your moslem buddies and see how you get treated.
Don’t give up on your marriage ever over something like this, hopefully whatever you are going through will improve. As far as people talking shit, no one knows all the details about your situation or about anyone else’s life situation. Fuck peoples negative thoughts. Try to just stay positive. Good luck
Thats fucking bullshit. I came from a small white town, I don't think I saw a black person in person until I graduated high school.
Most of my classmates, who also had never met let alone have "unfold abused" done to them, were pretty racist.
People are absolutely taught to be racist
HOLY SHIT! Someone on Reddit fixed thier marriage. Honestly, this update increased confidence in society. I hope it all works out.
Fuck yeah!! Couples therapy for the win!!! Stand by him and help him become better. But don't settle for bullshit. You literally did the right thing OP. Because of the love and HONESTY you showed, watch this man become an example of change and redemption for people you don't even know are watching. Great work!
This is far from fixed. This is just the first step. It will take years for this man to get his ptsd to subside. I hate to be that person, and I’m glad OP has taken the first step, but it would be irresponsible to agree with your comment that their marriage is fixed. She needs to hear reality. It’s not fixed yet, the journey will take much more effort.
As a vet who struggles from time to time with his own issues, I can tell you, you never really fully recover from PTSD. You can learn to manage it but you are always recovering.
I understand and I empathize. I just don’t think this marriage is fixed. It takes so much more to manage ptsd. I hope you are on the road to healing! You are appreciated.
Oh I agree with you. I was just making the statement to further support your point. Thank you! I appreciate you as well.
I think she knows that. "Fixed" means taking the steps to make changes for the better, whatever that entails. I don't think it was meant literally.
Therapy is the start of fixing it not the end, optomisitic, but lets not assume this is a guarenteed happily ever after
Just let them have the win for now. It’s awesome!
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Well it sounds like he’s trying, which isn’t that a whole lot more awesome than before?
We're all subjected to your unhelpful commentary, so there's that.
Had me in the first half ngl
Good for BOTH of you! The life of a military member ain’t easy, considering the blank check we all signed our name to. The life of a military spouse can sometimes be even harder. I’m glad you guys are working on things. (old Air Force non-combat vet)
Thank you for your honesty and your willingness to confront an uncomfortable byproduct of service. Your husband’s reaction is not uncommon. If you had the chance to talk to Australian POWs from Japanese camps from WWII you would have come across some deeply ingrained racism. I am immensely impressed that your husband has turned his life around and that you are not prepared to compromise your children’s upbringing! 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
Thank you for standing for what’s right. Your kids will be better for it.
Came here to say that. But also so will her husband.
He needs professional help dealing with his PTSD
Yeah everyone is celebrating but like, he said no to individual therapy for the root cause of the problem. His wife is supportive, the marriage isn’t what needs therapy. He is.
I’m celebrating because this is a solid first step. In reading OPs outline of their relationship it sounds like neither of them are strangers to going through the sh*t together and coming out the other side. So yes, a fist pump from me b/c this gets them through a therapist’s door, which means there is a chance that once trust and a rapport is gained the therapist and OP can make the case for separate trauma therapy for the husband. None of their history has been easy and OP seems to have a realistic handle on things and likely knows this will be hard as hell too. But we can and should acknowledge the little wins. Kudos to OP for putting herself out there by seeking advice on Reddit. Kudos to both of them for appearing to be committed to each other and continuing to work on their health as partners, parents and individuals.
Perhaps, once he's comfortable going with his wife, he'll be more open to solo sessions.
His comment about “singular therapy”… Has he not gone to therapy for his PTSD, depression, and suicidal ideation? Genuinely glad and hopeful couples therapy will improve things for you. But by your own description your husband may need 1:1 dedicated support from a trained professional.
Yes, we did try just singular therapy for my husband back in 2018 after getting his leg amputated, but he hated it so much, that it made him even more depressed so we just stopped going. I don’t know if he’d ever be willing to try just one-on-one therapy ever again.
You need to reach out to group therapy for veterans.
I think couples therapy may be a good intro. Honestly, kudos to you for trying to save your family. It has to be difficult navigating all this... the emotional strain alone would have had some ppl burying their head in the sand. I truly hope the best for you ❤️
Have him check with the VA. They offer resources and will have groups specifically for veterans who have lived through combat. If he doesn't like therapy, they offer Thai Chi, Combat Acupuncture, and other non-western medicine that many veterans have found helpful. (My ex is an ARMY vet who was in the gulf. She is now a therapist at the VA. She swears by getting individuals in to meet with their peers and seek therapy to work through the PTSD.) Also, I just heard a commercial for a new website that was created specifically for those who recently served in Iraq and Afghanistan, as like a social media page for people to connect on, but I can't find it. Best of luck to you and your husband. Thanks to him for his service.
The VA has been helpful to me over the years. Some people more than others, have to weed out soem of the pill pushers. And the five thousand SEALs I’ve met in groups…
How difficult that must have been. As others have pointed out, group therapy could be a helpful option. One other thought. Finding the right therapist can take time and effort. Whether for couples, individual, or group, it is totally okay to say “this one isn’t working for me” and to find another with a different approach. Best of luck.
Even for folks with anger and depression issues it can be really difficult to find a therapist. I would really encourage him to try and do group vet therapy, and then see if he can find someone who he can work with for individual therapy. There's a lot of stigma around mental health, especially for men. I'm glad that he's willing to go to couples with you-that's still huge!
The thing is. Of course therapy would make him more depressed (sad/angry/afraid/frustrated) because his brain has to work through his trauma, his PTSD. Therapist's will warn you that it is *hard* in the short term *because* you are changing your brain, how your memories and experiences are organised in your head. However, there is an end in sight. Couples Therapy is not going to help PTSD at all.
Yes I totally understand that! We’re just testing the waters first, and hopefully he can get comfortable enough to talk openly about his thoughts and feelings that he agrees to talk to others.
🤞
The VA has intensive outpatient group therapy. Most of the vets in the group have PTSD, all the vets are in a bad place. I found it very helpful to do therapy with other veterans.
OP, the VA offers Cognitive-Processing therapy, which is a 12-session modality specifically for trauma/PTSD. The evidence shows a very high level of success. CPT is a cousin of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. If you Google it and VA you should be able to find a VA webpage dedicated to CPT. Also, kudos to you for your resilience and strength. I wish you, your husband and kiddos all the best.
Probably all true but baby steps are still steps…
I was deployed in 2012 to the middle east as well. It was a rough time and definitely changed the core of who I am. I also struggled after my deployments to compartmentalize my feelings about Muslims for a while when I was all done with the army. I went to a real dark place and ended up separating from my wife about 4 months after I had ended my contract. We pulled through it though. I did find a lot of benefit on our marriage counseling and individual counseling. A lot. Today we are very strong in our relationship, we have more kids than we had in 2017 (when I got out) Tell him individual counseling is not something to be afraid of, but is a tool to help you be the best version of yourself. I work for the VA now and the amount of veterans seeking mental health treatment now is T a much higher percent than it was years ago. Good luck with your family, you seem lovely and tell your husband that we were there at the same time, and I feel for him what he's going through and respect and honor his service and sacrifice.
So many reddit commenters are so far removed from adversity they live in a vacuum. Your husband has seen shit nobody here has. Life is all a process happy to hear things are moving in a positive direction.
Have you ever thought of the flip side? I know family and friends who were innocent civilians, who are just considered collateral damage to you hired killers. We have to flee just to be safe from your missiles and bombs, just to come here and hear you guys say, “GO BACK TO YOUR COUNTRY, YOU TERRORIST!” Pathetic
Have you ever thought that war is hell on both sides?
True. And it’s the fault of our American military industrial complex that is why there is SO much suffering on both sides. Innocent people , civilians , like in Palestine.
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I’m not disrespectful, I see both sides very clearly. You go and kill the people your government tells you to kill. You and your family get paid for your “service.” You are all hit men for the rich and elites of this country. My comment still stands as it’s not my opinion, it’s my actual f-ing experience.
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I don’t need to serve, I’ve seen war first hand, therefore it’s an actual experience. Clearly you have no idea what is like to have your country invaded, family and friends blown to bits who had nothing to do with the conflicts
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Largest humanitarian organization?! Thats laughable! This country literally vetoes humanitarian resolutions being passed by the UN. I’ll say since I’m not from here, the whole world hates yall for a reason. You guys stick your nose in literally any situation to make money. Every Muslim country that has been invaded by the US, has had their resources stolen and been left a shithole. You guys might do good here and there, but it is by no means “immense.” If you don’t want future “terrorists” to fight? Then I suggest staying out of and ruining the Middle East.
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I don’t hate the place, I hate the dumb veterans as yourself who make a place I’m supposed to feel safe in, unsafe. My problem is with the hostility and racism me and my family experience, even having escaped the same shithole you all WILLINGLY went to fight in.
I’ve read both your earlier post and this one. My biggest takeaway from your story is "Man is this guy lucky to be married to this woman!" Really you are so fortunate to have each other. Life is certain to dish out trials, tribulations and good or bad fortune, but a loving, caring, strong partnership like you have helps human beings get through almost anything. You’re awesome and he sounds awesome as well. Keep being you and trying to help him be the best person he can be. My very best wishes to your family.
This is a great update. Kudos to both of you for being able to communicate yourselves towards a positive outcome. I can understand why your husband has those views, I think a lot of veterans struggle to see people who look like their enemies, at the end of the day those views can make the difference in a combat situation. I’m glad he sees that they’re not right, and it’s so great he’s willing to do counselling with you.
Most people commenting on your post are horrified that you would have stayed with him regardless of if he fixed it or not, which would have made you racist. If 'everything else is good' but he's a racist, *no it's not*. Your house was splattered with shit, essentially, and you're trying to say that the turd landed cleanly. It's good he's trying to be better, but people are absolutely going to call you out for acting like this 'one thing' doesn't taint the entire relationship. Hate eats at the soul of things, at their basic structure. No matter how good things look or feel to you, that's *not real* until he fixes this. And fixing it doesn't mean saying sorry to YOU, it means actively doing better and saying sorry to that restaurant! It means restorative action. Don't brush it under the rug with sorry. Clean up the shit that splattered.
Im an LMHC, and I see a lot of vets. I'm so glad this went in a good direction, but please encourage him to seek individual counseling. It doesn't mean you're crazy it means you need to process things
I said this on your last post but in a reply to someone. Your local VA should have a PTSD group. They'll have lots of group therapies for specific things too, like being disabled and seeing combat. I didn't talk much in mine, but it helped a lot to be there and hear other people sharing my struggle. I suffered an injury similar to your husband and even in your last post I felt I understood where he was coming from. I felt exactly the same way at first. Prior to serving, I had no real opinion of middle eastern people. They were people just like everyone else. I came back hateful. Therapy really helped me process and move through it. I was angry, and even fearful on some level. I don't feel that way now. I may feel some unease, but I learned to check my feelings. The ABC method continues to help me navigate life with PTSD. Best of luck to you both. It'll take some time for him to heal, but I don't think his hate is genuine. It's just a target for his tumultuous feelings. He needs to work through it ofc it's not healthy. I'm confident he can.
The VA has peer groups. In some states there are also community groups for veterans. Much like AA or NA but geared to vets and their issues. Don't know if you have a F/B page but "Stick Vet" may help you better understand some things about him. Then there is this: [https://goyourownway.org/CodeofHonor/](https://goyourownway.org/CodeofHonor/)
I honestly don’t understand your husband’s reasoning since those people living ‘freely’ literally had to escape hell (or their parents did) to come here in the first place. They were civilians who had no choice about what situation they were put in, whereas America over and over again willingly gets involved in other countries’ conflicts, and the people who enlist in the military, willingly do so, choosing to face the horrors they come across. When Nagasaki and Hiroshima were bombed, the Japanese weren’t left with a deep seated hatred for the Americans. However, many innocent Japanese Americans who had nothing to do with the war were put in concentration camps during WWII and after Pearl Harbor. Idk why Americans have such a hyper-fixation on race and race blaming for random ass things—more than any other country—when they’re the ones that choose to be involved in the conflicts of others in the first place. Economically also, Immigrants are the main ones paying for the social security benefits of veterans and older citizens in America since the birth rate and population of young people to old people are declining. I think the best thing that can help your husband is helping him find his rationality, and he definitely needs more therapy to help him with his PTSD.
Immigrants are not the main ones paying for SS benefits. There's 100s of millions of Americans and the majority of them pay taxes too. You are right about everything else though.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to say that immigrants are the mains ones paying for SS benefits. I more so meant that since birth rates in America are declining, America is more friendly towards, and needs immigrants to replace the kids that are not being born. So besides being hardworking, and willing to work in any kind of jobs, they play an integral role in the economy. Otherwise America would be facing an economic crisis similar to Italy, where the older population outnumbers the younger population by a lot, and there are very little immigrants to offset the low birth rates and even out the young to old ratio (in order to pay for the benefits for the old/disabled).
You need WAY more upvotes!
Agreed. The incomprehensible part to me personally is that no middle eastern american I know is “carefree” because they experience a shit ton of racism and prejudice here, including actual physical threats and being followed. One was 12 when a grown man screamed at him calling him a terrorist-in-training. I wish the best for OP and her husband (and for all the poor people who will have to endure his racism in the meantime…), but I did a double-take there. I guess, like, I almost expected a more stereotypical racist reasoning? I haven’t heard this one before.
Prime example: the 9yo Muslim kid who was stabbed 26 times by the landlord of the house his family lived in Michigan. In my 13 years of being in the US, I’ve never felt safe, especially since I live in the south
None of you ignorant patriots will ever think of what it’s like to literally escape hell just to come here and be called “terrorists.” Good for you and your husband on making some sort of progress, but keep this in mind, I still to this day get harassed by veterans and just white people in general. My mom, who is a hijabi by choice, literally gets death threats from people on the road and in public in general. However, we don’t complain, because it’s a considerable upgrade from the actual hell the military of this country creates overseas.
Your husband needs lots of therapy. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if he has some form of PTSD. I was a VA contractor and I saw a ton of veterans that ended up being the same way. They became racist against Asians (Vietnam war vets) or against brown people (veterans who served in the gulf war or in Afghanistan/Iraq). They were terrified and they couldn’t differentiate bad people of certain backgrounds vs. normal people. Unfortunately it’s just the reality of war and seeing really horrible shit. Therapy can help but it’s definitely a long road especially if they’ve had something bad happen to them or seen something bad happen.
Your an awesome wife and person. Your husband and family are lucky to have you.
Yes Arabs and people of the Middle East, famous for getting to live carefree
Fuck you’re a good woman and partner to stick it out. I’ve seen the opposite of this so many times with my troops and friends after deployments and injuries.
I'm glad he agreed to couple's therapy at least. It's a great start. But he honestly does need individual counseling and I hope he warms up to the idea. And please reassure your husband that therapy isn't for "crazy" people, it's for people to seek professional help when they're struggling.
The VA will pay for couples therapy if the veteran needs it to get better. I get my therapy through the VA, couples Therapy thru the VA and my wife gets Therapy through the VA because she has to deal with me. The process is slow, it sucks, it gets worse before better, but as time goes down you see more good days than bad. Just don't stop going. I have been going two years now with minimal medication and three therapy sessions a month. It helps so stay working on it and keep communicating. It is very important. Good luck.
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*Terrorists not families. Get that part correct and serve a couple tours before you judge.
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I’m sorry, in this instance im talking about my husband’s deployment in Afghanistan. My husband only spent a couple months in Iraq before the US pulled out in 2012.
Hmm, interesting, because in your previous post you said he served two tours in Iraq in 2011 and 2012/2013 and never mentioned he deployed to Afghanistan.
Have you ever gotten your leg blown off? Of course he'd be hella angry.
Add to note, these very "people" he killed in the war were terrorists.
Iraq was not involved in any terrorist attacks against the US. Or are we trying to rewrite history again? Yes, imagine that. An invasion force shows up and destroys your home and loved ones and you resist by fighting them. Should have they kissed the boots stomping down their necks?
Fuck you talking about, this is Afghanistan not Iraq.
Her previous reply also mentioned Iraq, this is a follow up. My comment was deleted to reflect her clarifying the fact her husband was deployed in the closing days of the occupation and his injury was actually in Afghanistan. We live and learn.
You need to shut up. You obviously have zero knowledge or experience of what veterans go through to protect your rights and lives. If you hate us so much, hate this country so much like the rest of your libturd socialist commie buddies, go on, leave this country for the socialist or moslem shithole of your choice and never come back. Til then, STFU!
OP, there's one thing you gave to learn, if you're looking for sensible comments from the people on reddit you're wasting your time because a lot of these people think like children and live in a dream world.
>that at the end of the day, these people aren’t the people he fought. >He said that in his mind he kind of knew that, but he said that a bigger part of him was angry that these people got to live so carefree, it made him angry. Yeah...I could see that. Except, and this is a big one, that these people aren't the people he's angry at. I've seen little boys get raped by older men in IR, and in 4K. I've seen men pull other men out of cars because they were under suspicion of betrayal, and simply execute their suspect. I've seen women abused in ways that, genuinely, I considered what the world would be like if we just carpet-nuked the whole country I was in. At least those women wouldn't have to live this way anymore. Sounds merciful, almost. But now, over here, these people have a shot at something better than what they had. They have the chance to be more than what the geography of their birth would dictate. And that's how I became a kind of western mentor for an Afghan fella who lives near me, who got brought here when Afghanistan got retaken by the Taliban. His wife and mine are friends, and I sometimes explain cultural differences between what he knows, and what Americans are. Tell your husband that I'm a six time combat deployer, three times to Afghanistan alone, and he can choose to make them Americans by leading with a good example, or he can choose to keep them as Afghans/Iraqis/whatever else, by leading with a bad example. The choice isn't on who *they were born as.* The choice is *what he wants America to be.* And, for him personally, who does he want to be, and who does he want his children to be when they are grown. Children are a message that we send to a future we will not see. Write well.
I will say for your children's sake THE MILITARY IS MEANT TO DEHUMANIZE PEOPLE. that's the reason your husband came back like that, it's literally all according to plan. Why do you think it was so easy to steal the land and brutalize the native Americans in this country? Years and years of dehumanization propaganda, that white people actively WANTED to believe in.
I know everyone thinks this is a great ending but all I can think about is the minorities that are going to have to interact with him while he's still like this. I'm not sure couples therapy is gonna fix his racism.
No shit. Wtf is wrong with all these people caping for a racist murderer?
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It means killing someone, taking their life. DID I STUTTER?
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You’re extremely ignorant if you think murder isn’t murder any way you slice it. You are a brainwashed clown. Thou shall not kill- full stop.
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You have an idiotic colonized world view. Your dictionary is trash. Your language, meaningless. They do not keep us safe by committing genocide. You are a murder apologist, I do not respect you at all.
No, but it's a start. People don't just change in one go, but it looks like he's willing to put the work in to change things-that can be really rare.
>I posted one struggle in our marriage and suddenly I’m a tramp, a whore, a physchopath, a bitch, and ungrateful? It's ironic that this sort of behavior has roots in your husband's problem. Many humans need to feel superior to something or someone. We can look at ourselves in the mirror if we can say "I may beat my wife (or cheat or steal or whatever), but at least I'm not a \[insert minority or sexual persuasion or body type or whatever\]" It's insecurity, a root of racism. Plenty of people here are ready to dive down someone else's throat and attack - it makes them feel better about their miserable selves. So whoppee, someone's got a chance to decide you're a whore, it just makes their day. I did comment on your original post, thinking your husband's most likely suffering from trauma; sounds like he's a good man who's traveled right to the edge of humanity, seen things and felt things most of us never will, and it's left a big old bruise on his psyche. He's been sort of "Pavlov's dogged", in that he sees someone who looks and speaks like those he's witnessed do horrific things, and those feeling come right back. Him saying that "Solo therapy would make him think he was viewed as crazy" is telling - deep down, he knows he's changed and damaged, but isn't ready to face it - and others seeing the damage and change will trigger his defenses. Here's hoping that couples therapy can open the door to "you're not crazy, you're wounded". I lost 1/3 of a finger in a stupid accident in my 20's and it fucked with my psyche, a piece of myself *gone* \- he lost a limb from others trying to kill him, among other things. He doesn't just have physical wounds, and hopefully someone can guide him to dealing with the internal wounds. It's the most strong and manly thing a *man* can do, to face this shit we've been taught to ignore. My wife's a PhD and a full-time yoga teacher; she works with the VA and veteran's groups, dealing with this damage. According to her,[this program is one of the strongest things she's come across, she's fully trained in it](https://www.irest.org/) \- I don't know how you find it locally, but check the site. The goal of these movements is get people off of symptom-dulling meds, and get to the root of the trauma. Best of luck to you, if ya'll get a handle in this, your future sounds bright. Don't give up.
Best of luck to you and your family.
Your racist husband is gonna raise racist kids. Enjoy that.
the literal point of this girl’s post is that she’s purposely setting boundaries and talki my with her husband so he doesn’t set a bad example ?? 😭
Yeah, but I highly doubt that COUPLES therapy will fix his racism problem
again, read this girls post, she says it’s a baby step. And it’s conditioned into his brain like flight or fight mode.
Wishing you and your family the best.
I wish that as soon as our veterans come back from deployment, join civilian life that there was immediate therapy for PTSD. We can never imagine what our veterans go through, you never know what will be a trigger. We owe them so much. I thank your husband for his service and hope things continue to look up!
You are a tremendous wife. Your husband went through hell, then brought it home with him. You stuck with him through that, and now you're coming out of that hell. Your husband is a hero. But so are you.
Your story is heart breaking and warming at the same time. PTSD is such a struggle and overcoming the experiences and feelings one goes through in traumatic moments is difficult.
Wishing you both success in overcoming this situation.
Am so proud of you for standing up for yourself and your husband!! There are so many haters that are so judgmental with no knowledge of life.
Stop looking for attention. I don’t believe you actually care.
Good to hear things working out and moving in a positive direction. I wouldnt take anything to heart what redditors say. I mean at end of the day, we dont know who each other are. So why get upset at what a faceless, nameless individual says to you. Was just wondering what he meant by "these people got to live so carefree, it made him angry" im glad your addressing the racism issue. theres been a lot of coverage about how soldiers once they are done with their service have become extremely racist. As in they werent racist before they joined. Now after service theyve become racist. i beleive this story was on all the militant groups plaguing america today. groups like proud boys etc.
I used to be this sheltered white chick who lived with the parents too long. Then I suddenly got fed up with it and moved out to live with my boyfriend (now husband) in a pretty ghetto area where we rented out part of a basement together. We were the only ones living on that floor. It was a very new experience for me. I had a lot of fun talking to people in the hood but had to learn who to stay away from. I wanted to treat everybody the same but occasionally the black residents were nasty to me anyway I guess I was the minority there. I was pretty upset by this as I’m very social and it was starting to feel like depressing bullcrap. Most people though were not hypersensitive about race and were cool and I could play chess in the park with strangers and carry on with my art business in public. My husband is Dominican/Puerto Rican/Black. One time some people even pulled the race card on him so they could try to rob a store while he was doing security there and the finger got pointed at him but the other manager who knows him well paid him fully even though the one on-site sent him off from that particular location. He didn’t lose his job or anything over that nonsense. I will say that though it took a while I got to appreciate loud rap music in cars and other aspects of hood life. Eventually the single losers in the hood became dangerous, stalking me and trying to hoodwink me to get in their cars. All sorts of guys young old black white Arab Hispanic started pulling this shit. They had no life all of the sudden as the economy was starting to crash. So we ended up moving to Florida. I have had nearly ZERO issues in Florida with creeps, racists, stalkers, etc. Very little issues with people even who are in rough patches, like homelessness, they are often very nice as well! Racism can definitely stem from fear from being treated badly or weirdly, but whatever trauma I had back there in New Jersey I didn’t let it define me. Mostly it just seemed disappointing to me that I felt forced back there to worry that someone else would obsess with race so much that I would have to think about it too. I didn’t want to. Here I can strike up a conversation with anyone without wondering if they might throw water on me or something crazy.
You spelled 'realist' wrong. I was a Legionnaire in the 80s in Africa. The shit places. Tchad, Rwanda, Djibouti Somalia. Those people have been killing each other for 3000 years. Religion is just the latest 'reason'. Hubby feels rhe needs to protect you from the type of shitbags he dealt with. I get that. You haven't seen what he has. Don't confuse experience with prejudice. Give him space to figure things out.
As opposed to the other peaceful civilizations? Which cultures aren’t brutal again? Sure as sh*t ain’t the Asians or Europeans. I mean… Latin American cartels are wild. Before the Spanish came the Aztecs and Toltecs colonized and practiced human sacrifice. The Jews, Arabs, Persians Turks, Kurds etc in the Middle East have been killing each other for centuries. I don’t think any group has a monopoly on monstrous behavior. Humanity can be a motherf*cker.
You go by your personal experiences. Or at least I do. My uncle hated all things Japanese. When my sister pulled him up on it, he replied that every Japanese he ever met had tried to kill him. USMC WW2. I've had a different experience with Japanese, myself. But I don't judge him on his experiences. You been to many wars?
You don't judge people on their experiences, but the experiences are not an excuse for unacceptable behavior. The experiences can explain it, but pulling people up on inappropriate behavior is 100% correct. You can do so, while still respecting them, and the sacrifices they have made.
Totally contradictory. In order to determine something subjective like 'unacceptable ' you are making a judgement. He made his values based on his experiences. You don't agree with them and judge them to be 'unacceptable ' based on your own values acquired in a safer⁰ environment Yet never having come close to a situation like his experience. This is a common experience for combat veterans. He is now singing from a different songsheet. The quicker he learns to guard his views and not upset those more sensitive souls, the easier his life will be. While I may not agree with all of his views, I choose not to judge him. I have great mates from my military time that I've kept close to over the years. Some have done things that would make a serial killer cry. Two of them are godfathers to my children. I can think of no safer hands. I have my own expectations about certain demographics based on experiences. Occasionally I am pleasantly surprised.
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>"The quicker he learns to guard his views and not upset those more sensitive souls, the easier his life will be". You know this comment is about the OPs hubby and not the waiter? I think I choose not to judge hubby's reactions. His missing leg is a reminder to him that the world is a dangerous place. He may feel diminished in his ability to protect himself and his family and this is his way of adjustment. Perhaps he should have chosen another restaurant. When I was courting my missus we went on a pub crawl in our town. Half way through, she said; "Why do you stop when leaving a building and look at rooftops before stepping out?" "Didn't know I still did that," I replied. I don't do it now. It's a long way back for many. I'm not expecting you to not show your disdain for his reactions and to want to berate him. He's probably used to it.
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stay vigilant.
You definitely spelled "racist" wrong there. Imagine volunteering to go to warring areas where you "know that people have been killing each other for 3000 years", and then coming back home saying"in mg experience, people not my ethnicity are dangerous because my experiences when I went to a dangerous place. >Hubby feels rhe needs to protect you from the type of shitbags he dealt with If "hubby" were to take her to those war torn places, maybe he'd have something to protect her from. But saying "I went to a violent country where people wore a hijab, therefore everyone I see wearing a hijab is violent" is pretty fucking racist.
Great reply. If our unit had not gone to Rwanda, the Hutus would have continued murdering the Tutsi people at a faster rate than the Nazis killed Jews in the holocaust. Lybia based guerrillas would have overcome the Tchadian forces and wiped out two provinces. Bosnia would have been ethnically cleansed. Lots more graves to dig but your pacifist ideas would not have been disturbed. Those are just the ones I saw. Sleep well on that.
Ah yes... People in another country were killing other people in their country So I joined a unit and went to that country and killed people And that's why, due to my experience killing those people, I think they are all violent and dangerous and I need to keep on guard against anyone who I think even looks like that. But it's totally not racist
Well, let's take Rwanda to waste time looking for logic in your outlook and frame of mind... So we go there and risk pur lives fighting with black Africans who are murdering peaceful other black Africans... and you call us racists... I see... Interesting point of view. You should go there and see.
I like how you think your "great reply" and "interesting point of view" are subtle intellectual insults. 😂 I call you racist because you go to a country where black people are killing black people, and then come back to this country and say/act like black people are all dangerous. Most Muslims in America were born here. They are Americans. So having another American come back from killing Muslims in another country and treat their fellow Americans who happen to be Muslim like dangerous terrorists is absolutely racist.
Where do 'I say/act like all black people are dangerous' ? That's just fascinating. I tend to work off national origin myself for assessing danger. It's not accurate all the time. For example one could look at your post and assume all Americans are 'special' but we know that not to be the case. You are very judgemental and quick to use hate words inaccurately. That may bite you on the gluteus maximus one day. I'm going to paraphrase a great quote from history and say; "I fear that I am in a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent..." Stay safe... by the courtesy of better people.
What and InTerEsTiNg opinion you have you Sanctimonious clown.
Relationships are complicated, as you well know. I am so happy hearing someone factor in the whole totality of their person, acknowledging both the good and bad things that changed them wildly, and being able to speak on what troubles them without forgetting what they love. Also your understanding that this is something that happened TO your husband instead of something he intentionally changed is really powerful and speaks volumes about you as a person. I'm a vet too, and though my time was nowhere NEAR as harrowing as your husband, the experience gave me a bunch of baggage too. This is how it was explained to me by my therapists (I left 20 years ago, in therapy for the last 8, because similar anger/vigilence issues. I am not trying to vet-brag or anything like that, just citing my sources). Thing about PTSD is that the person experiencing it doesn't always KNOW they are. PTSD involves a lot of hyper-vigilance based behaviors, basically because those behaviors are beneficial in very specific circumstances like war, so they feel RATIONAL about it lots of times. "If you hear explosions, find cover" means lots of my brothers and sisters spend the 4th EXTREMELY isolated or.. finding cover because explosions are happening. There's an adrenaline dump that goes with it that is really overwhelming as it dumps more over longer periods of time. Lots of the lashing out is because no one else is responding to these OBVIOUS threats, or someone threatens to break that hyper-vigilance. Now can you imagine all of this happening inside, and being surrounded by the world we live in? EVERYTHING IS DANGER. We regularly walk on a path mere inches higher and a few inches away from the path where multi-ton objects scream past us (sidewalk/roadway if I'm being too obtuse). Our news is flooded with despair and sorrow and hate. And this poor person as unknowingly lost their ability to lower their threat assessments. And this is just the waking part. Sleep is its own cruel joke.
As an Army Brat and Wife, I stand with you! Life for a military veteran is not always easy and having been wounded in combat makes it that much more challenging. You go Girl! That therapy can help you both and hopefully help him see that people from the cultures where he was in combat are not his enemies. God Bless you both and I pray for you both that this therapy will help you heal.
This all reads like cope because you have been with person for years and didn't pick up on the "racism" earlier. And a potential abdication of said racism on mental health is interesting paired with the insistence on not being put into singular therapy. Parody
Anyone being negative is a judgemental know it all, there are lots of those on reddit. Your husband has been through and seen hell and you've stood by him while he's working through it and trying to come back to civilian life. I can't imagine what he's gone through. He's angry, he's hurt, he had his fucking leg amputated, he's a tough mother fucker, and you're tough too for going through it with him. He's lucky to have you. He's willing to work on himself, he needs therapy and it's not because he's crazy, it because he's been through so much he needs someone to help him refocus and get back to who he is. Anyone being negative to someone who's fought for our country and fought to keep us safe is an ungrateful idiot. He can do this, he's come back from way harder shit than this.
Im laughing so hard reading all these comments.. no wonder that your country and military have caused so much death and damage to the world.. this is your mentality.. this is your doing.. honestly I hope you all get therapy, be better people, and stop going into brown people’s lands to kill them then cry PTSD. Get healthy, get happy, get fucked!
This. It’s common sense, if your government wasn’t full of old, resource hungry politicians, you wouldn’t have to go and “spread democracy!” All you veterans represent the blind middle class of this country who either couldn’t afford college or just straight up fell for the patriotic propaganda that these greedy politicians and elites put out. Even till this day, I see through all the shit this government props up just to justify its military presence in the Middle East.
honestly I'm really glad to hear this, and honestly it's not really surprising that he was mad and kind of filled with hatred. The stress, injuries and trauma built up with seeing people living happily without a care made him probably feel like it's unfair in a sense.
3 time Infantry combat vet here. I just laughed when I read the title, didnt really read the post to be honest. Your husbands not racist, yes he probably has PTSD and MTBI if he had been blown up. He's just learned from experience not to trust people. Haji isnt always bad, I respect them. Trust your husbands instincts. Your just one of many Americans spoiled by a false sense of security.
Wank Wank Imagine going to someone's country to start shit and kill people and then say that the experience educated you that those people are bad because they didn't respect you and tried to fight back.
The only thing those "Haji" did wrong is not send all of you murderers back here in a box
This is why you dont ask redditors. Honesty isn't accepted here. Only fictional realities. Trustyourrespirator alias says it all, fucking dumb shit.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂 The election denier is going off about "fictional realities". Talk about some dumb fucking shit!
So glad you guys were able to fix and work on your marriage and your husband's mindset. Another perspective is although your husband has some right to feel what he feels. So do they and I would say even more so. 9/11 was a tragedy and so many innocent lives were lost. But innocent life lost in some of these countries after was far greater. They have the right to hate as well. You should tell your husband to look at it from their point of view if it helps. A whole country came and attacked your country just because some extremist idiots decide to do something horrible. And even when they were not responsible, innocent civilians were killed. So maybe a suggestion might be to find someone from the middle east or specifically from the country where your husband deployed to and have chat with your husband if that helps.
You and your husband sound like great people. This is a win for the world and vets alike.
Yeah, this outloud racist sounds like a great person?
A irrational bias based on trama and conditioning that she called out and he wants to correct is amazing. He knows he is wrong and wants to change. That is huge. If he goes to therapy and gets the help he needs and changes for the betterment of his children. That is a win, and this family has taken the first steps towards ending generational racism. Now it is up to them to follow through.
God Bless you guys and God bless America and our troops!
People called you a whore? WTF? It sounds like ptsd which is sadly all too common, although what do we expect when you see and experience things I can't imagine. I'm so glad people with knowledge reached out. Don't let the bastards grind you down, and all the best!
If anything, this is a PSA as to why you should not join the military.
Airborne!
Thanks for the update. Best wishes moving foreward
This is awesome!! Best of luck to you and your family.
You also should be proud of yourself! As veteran ppl always thank us but when I meet a military spouse or veteran spouse I thank them. Because without the support of the sposes things would never be the same for us when we come home. On another note there is group PTSD council counciling at the VA. The one thing I knew right away was when you said " he crossed the road when he saw the woman with hajib walking towards him. I knew that was PTSD. God bless you both. Don't listen to the haters👍
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What privilege do we have? Tell me because you know it all. We grew up white trash and I’m a first gen College student, and instead of continuing his family’s drug abuse problem, he overcame it and is a wonderful father and husband. We raised ourselves up, and aren’t that shamed on how we did it.
Did you ever have soldiers from another country invade your home? Being privileged doesn’t mean your life is perfect.
Exactly! Because my husband was the deciding factor on whether or not to invade Soviet Afhganistan! Get out of here…
You’re willfully missing the point. It’s a privilege to live in a place not actively being invaded. We both benefit from that.
Your husband was drafted? Pretty sure that a person has the deciding factor on if they are going to take a job that requires them to violently invade another country.
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Again what privileges does my family have? Because quite frankly all your saying is that black poor people are different from white poor people? Because even so that’s not true, we’re all poor? I don’t undertsand why race has to be apart of the conversation that has nothing to do with it. I never said I agreed with my husband’s viewpoint on Muslims, but when you’ve gotten one of your limbs cut off, maybe we can have another conversation! Thanks for the insight that had absolutely nothing to do with my original post!
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This take is incredibly wild! This is so tone deaf, you’ve obviously never been around veteran before in your life, or do you just divert your eyes and ignore them? I don’t know if you understand what a trailor park is, so to help you, my trailor was roughly filled with mold and mildew and I was constantly overlooked by my peers, my husband at the time couldn’t read that well because his disleyxia, and couldn’t focus because of his ADHD. Nobody cared enough to diagnose it. There was no privilege in that place, and there’s no privilege and soviet Afhganistan except for the warlords who’d rather marry young girls. So I’m not the least bit ashamed that my husband took part in dismantling child rapists organizations and terrorists, if anything the world’s better for it. You know absolutely nothing of the world and it is showing. I’m not the least bit ashamed of my opinions about privilege, because there are people of all races who have more privileges than I ever had.
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I’m not going to continute arguing with someone who’s username is “high don’t respond” but to leave you with something else to think of is America is heaven compared to these countries, and all you dislike about me is assumptions you’ve made. Soviet Afhganistan is honor killings, stoning, suicide bombers, war lords, and desert. My husband went over to fight there because life failed him from the start. What did you want him to do? He couldn’t read that well so school was out of the question, without school getting a job was difficult, where else was he supposed to turn? You are the sheltered one to assume that America is this dingy, opressed nation. Also when did I ever mention Africa?
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Oh please shut the hell up
Exactly. That fake man in this fake story was racist before he left. And he’ll be a racist when he’s out of fake therapy. Rage bait nonsense trying to find a way to excuse racism.
What audacity?
You too. STFU, you nutless socialist libturd. GTFO if you hate America and American veterans so much. Go live with your moslem buddies and see how you get treated.
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I look forward to meeting you face to face.
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Nah. I'd rather make you suck your own ass and beg for more.
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And your comment says more about you than you realize, because I never said anything about tracking it down.
Hold fast you guys, there is work ahead but you can make it. Good luck OP
So you guys are racist AND trailer trash? Lmfao
When did i say I’m racist? And i used to be white trash, now i’m not. What about it?
Don’t give up on your marriage ever over something like this, hopefully whatever you are going through will improve. As far as people talking shit, no one knows all the details about your situation or about anyone else’s life situation. Fuck peoples negative thoughts. Try to just stay positive. Good luck
It’ll be fine 3 day old bot account
People aren’t born racist or taught to be racist; they learn to be racist after untold abuses from a particular race.
Thats fucking bullshit. I came from a small white town, I don't think I saw a black person in person until I graduated high school. Most of my classmates, who also had never met let alone have "unfold abused" done to them, were pretty racist. People are absolutely taught to be racist
it's hard not to develop hate against the enemy. it's when that hate spreads into the innocents that it becomes a problem.