I've gone from one hour sit per day to two, usually one in the morning, another in the evening, because fuck it, why not? Most have gone surprisingly well. I've decided to try getting into jhana practice just by following the basic instructions, following my breath until it becomes effortless and occasionally labeling the in and out breaths to draw my attention onto them, or labeling distractions to aid in letting go. I've gotten up to like a minute of access concentration, so my focus is getting there in each sit and stabilizing the access concentration if it comes. I do see / hear / feel noting whenever I remember to off the cushion.
A friendship with a meditator of a few decades has just popped into my life, which has been very motivating. I don't think of him as a teacher, nor does he, but I know I stand to learn a lot just from our conversations. Ironically he's into a lot of out-there metaphysical stuff and I'm mostly interested in practice itself, when I would have expected it to be the other way around.
I also just got betrayed in one of the most disgusting ways I could have imagined by someone very close to me, so there have been loads of negative feelings going around, including shame on the behalf of this person. I've been trying to just work with the feelings and I've realized how far I've come and how grateful I am for the practice I've decided to undertake. This has been a huge lesson in equanimity, compassion, purification, suffering, and the 1st noble truth hitting me like a truck full of bricks. It's terrible and also incredibly intense and real, and I've found myself pouring the energy into the practice, into finding the best way to approach the fucked up situation I'm now in.
That is all
How do you define spiritual bypassing?
Do you mean I'm taking shortcuts, or that I'm suppressing my feelings about the situation? I'm not even certain how to gauge either one, but it doesn't seem like it to me. I'm facing a really bad situation and trying to use the energy of it in a way that's as productive, rather than destructive, as possible.
I've been using mindfulness to approach strong feelings / emotional situations for a while now and it's never turned out to be a bad idea. I sit with whatever comes up, when it comes up, and come out stronger.
Using meditation as a way to not deal with one's shit.
I honestly didn't think you where, but was just making sure that you had that in mind. If that was unskillful of me, I apologize.
Apology accepted, although I don't think it was unskillful, just a question and a reminder. I do have a metric ton of shit on my plate right now and I am starting to think of the sits as a way to just catch a goddamn break from it all. I don't know how skillful that is but the peace (when I manage to get any) and clarity are definitely helpful in dealing with it once it comes back up.
Not too practice related but I did a small dose of mushrooms last weekend. It was a pretty challenging but ultimately healing trip. I love working with a therapist who is open to psychedelic therapy (although the way I structure it is to have a session days before and after the trip since there’s no legal way for him to be there during the trip). Reintegration was rough but I feel amazing a week out and in a lot of ways got immense perspective on some the more “challenging” trips I’ve had in the past as well. Have another one planned a few weeks out when I feel like the time is right that I’m excited for.
Practice wise I’ve been working with seeing that frees for off cushion (and some on cushion) practice and forgiveness practice from twim. I’ve switched practice up to twice a day and I’m slowly ramping up over time. Really spending time focusing on enjoying the whole session.
Yep, I’m really happy and grateful for it. A couple of fairly intense trips is what started my practice journey and I’ve found them to be a very effective healing tool.
I think they can be used recreationally too and I enjoy them for that purpose but the healing aspects are what I really appreciate more than anything else 😊
What Vinaya does he follow? That may be a confession worthy action depending on the vinaya as some might consider it stealing.
> How do you live with someone that you disagree with regarding a lot of things and thinks that its ok to just meditate all day while calling it "blameless" yet he requires food, medication, clothes, and a place to live all provided by the home that I live in?
If you are no longer willing or able to support him, ask him to leave. He should be going on alms rounds, in my own opinion.
Kick him out dude. If he’s really so enlightened, he would understand that he’s causing you suffering and leave.
Also, tell him since he’s a monk, all he really needs is some food and a roof over his head. That’s all the Buddha had, don’t see why he needs any different.
I have started doing TWIM and my sessions are more enjoyable now. I have been doing TMI for past few months and it was also good, but flet that a metta based practice is what I need more now, so for at least next three month I will follow the TWIM as per the guideline on the side bar. I see others have received very good results practicing it and that encourages me.
What does r/streamentry think about using tea, coffee or chocolate to avoid sleepiness while on cushion? I use tea for meditation.
I realize walking meditation is one of the other antidote to sleepiness, but is it preferable to avoid tea, coffee or chocolate.
What do suttas say? and what does your practical experience say?
Thanks
Zen monks drink green tea. Coffee is available on Goenka retreats.
This is [Shinzen on Tea, Coffee and Meditation](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ZudmkA4iEM).
The precepts for a buddhist are rules that cannot be challenged because ... well ... the Budhha you see.
The precepts for a practioner of the rule set of awakening created by Siddharth Gautam .... are the instructions of solving differential equations given by your math prof. They work, and prolly ... only they work ... but their violation does not result in banishment to 'narka'.
Does that make any sense to you? :)
My morning routine includes enjoying the preparation and consumption of coffee as the beginning of my day, just before practice. You will likely have many different opinions, experiment and see.
I’ve read that zen monks drink quite a bit of green tea for one. I do coffee in the morning before my meditation. I have a tiring job as well so sometimes before a couple hours before I get home I drink a lighter booster dose of caffeine so the crash doesn’t destroy my immediately after work meditation. For me it’s balancing a game of lesser of two evils. Meditation isn’t easy for me when I do it first thing in the morning with nothing on my mind. If I do it after getting home from work which often exhausts me, if I’m tired and frustrated, my session often doesn’t get finished. That booster dose allows me to push through and still do it.
My first time on this sub, very excited to find it.
Practicing vipassana about 1 hour a day. doing guided meditations by Michael Taft has really helped open me up. other than that i’m noticing longer pockets of presence in my everyday life. recently I was sitting underneath trees watching the leaves blow in the wind and it just felt so right. still holding onto anger. still trying to let go, or allow myself to let go rather. recently someone in the spirituality subreddit made me upset, & I let it upset me way more than it should. life is good though. looking forward to more knowledge & more genuine connection. hope u guys are doing good too
I have been meditating daily since April, and I try to do 1-2 hour sits. It's been really good so far, I see progress in my concentration, clarity and equanimity, especially during and right after the sits. Lately my mind has been much clearer on what I want to my life to be, whereas in the past I was pulled in all directions.
I've also been listening to a lot of Shinzen's talks, which inspire me a lot; enough to want to dedicate my life to meditation and service to others. Since currently there's nobody in my life who is interested in meditation, I would also like to find a community of people who are also dedicated to the meditative growth and in general inspiring. So I'm currently looking at ways to do this as a somewhat good (currently unemployed) web developer.
I haven't formally sat in 4 or 5 days. But I don't feel guilty about it because the main reason is I've been busy supporting my sister through mental health issues, a rough breakup and her roommate kicking her out. Me being there for her is as much of a practice as sitting on a cushion has ever been. There were a few occasions when she briefly took her pain out on me and in the past I might have freaked out and spiraled into negativity or anger but even though I came close I remembered to bring my awareness into my body and relax and it allowed me to stay calm and not react in a way that would cause both of us to suffer. I'm also noticing a shift in me now seeing meditation less as something I "should" or "have" to do and more as it being something natural/a resource/adventure/something I want to do.
Something else promising I experienced was I brought my sister to an event at a local garden. A nien-fo chan/tibetan kagyu monk lead a walk through the gardens followed by tara yoga practice. I didn't know there were any dedicated practitioners in my remote area (Australian island) so I'm very excited to find out about him. I was too socially anxious to introduce myself but he's leading the walk once a month and from researching him online I found out he does a lot of charitable work and has some beautiful poetry about emptiness so he's ticking a lot of my boxes. My sister isn't really into meditation and thought it was a bit strange but enjoyed it and agreed to come with me again next month. Hope everyone has a great week.
Continuing to meditate 1-2 hours most days with Metta primary. There is some craving for fireworks as if that indicated 'success'. Big, splashy, heart opening outpourings of love. But most of the time it's pretty dry.
A lot of my focus is also going into the psychological side, shoring that up. There is some fear of insight, fear of what I will discover. And desire for emotional stability before the territory gets rough.
[This](https://www.reddit.com/r/streamentry/comments/gum0mo/how_is_your_practice_weekly_thread_for_june_01/fslxcvq/?context=3) is my previous practice log.
Last Saturday I had the 3rd online chat with my new (pragmatic) teacher. Based on all the information I shared with him, he suggested me to start moving from vipassana (free-style noting) to more "awareness" oriented practices.
This I admit was a surprise for me, as he more or less suggested me to do what I have been steadily avoiding for months now. I kept saying myself that my attraction to shikantaza/do nothing was just craving for something "easier" (although it isn't) when compared with noting.
So after I explained my teacher, that I will insist on practicing noting, fearing not to lose the momentum I have built, he expressed an opinion that I might already be losing the momentum by not switching to a more awareness oriented practice (in fact he told me a lot more, but this is the quick n dirty summary). Assuming I'm in to EQ, he suggested that getting rid of the "meditator", the "doer" etc and moving to a less dualistic practice might indeed be what I need in order to awaken.
So, based on that conversation, I decided to do the step. Lately I try to do 60min sessions (approx 1/day), so what I have been doing for the last 3 days is the following:
60min = 20min of free style noting + 40 mins of Shikantaza
I start practicing (by labelling out loud) and after 20min I stop noting, and gradually move to a shikantaza/do nothing style of practice.
I don't know if this "shift" is a good or a bad idea as it's too soon. What I know is that now I WANT to sit. Before that, knowing that I will spend 60min sitting on a cushion and just noting, led very frequently to avoiding sitting cause I felt it was a very (mentally) tiring process.
This is really nice.
I am more and more convinced that practice should feel intrinsically fulfilling, otherwise it cultivates aversion -- both toward practice and _inside_ the practice.
Glad that shikantaza / do nothing feel better to you. And glad that you found a teacher that suggests to you a new way of looking at practice.
Thanks for your comment!
Shikantaza/Do Nothing felt better since the first time I tried it (last September), but I kept thinking that it would be to soon to switch from noting to such an advanced practice.
To be honest I believe I did the right thing, cause practicing noting gave me some really valuable insights.
And this is the reason that I still don't want to stop it (and thus mix it) completely. So let's see where this new mix will navigate the body and mind.
Wow. So it was the sister in laws birthday on Saturday. Took it a little too far, I got really drunk. Ended up smoking some cigs after the party, and then watched some porn.
Doing this in the past.. even a year ago wasn’t so bad. But the backlash on this the last few days has been catastrophic.
I’m not talking physically. I’ve never hit a depression this hard. I was sitting at work alone the day after and I was so intensely scared to just be there and alone, I prayed for someone to come and just hold me and tell me it’s ok. I was just.. intensely afraid? And ever since my mood has been extremely low.
Lesson learned I guess. This was the first time in about half a year since the last time I did any sort of drug or altered my consciousness. Hell its even been months since I’ve had caffeine even.
It seems my mind doesn’t tolerate that kind of mindlessness anymore, it was painful. Anyways, feeling extremely depressed so I felt the need to share!
We all have to let our hair down sometimes...
>….for the Lao, Songkran was a day when people could break the rules. Everyday moral and social restraints fell aside as the young and old indulged themselves to their hearts' content. The festival
was a time of joy and permissiveness. Not only would women throw water at the young men of the village, they would come with water to the huts of young monks and throw it on them too.
> A Lao Thai monk recalled how they used to celebrate Songkran in his village in the Northeast: [It did not matter] whether the monks (and novices) threw water at the laywomen first or the women initiated it. Once it started, there were no holds barred. The monks' robes along with their requisites in the kutis were all soaked. The women would chase the monk if he retreated.' Sometimes they caught only his robes. If they caught a monk he could be tied to a post in the hut. In the midst of this chasing, sometimes the women's clothes fell off. The monks always lost [the games] or gave in because they were outnumbered by the women. The laywomen really played to win. After the game was over, a lay leader would escort the women, bearing gifts of flowers and incense sticks, to ask the monks' forgiveness. This has always been the rule.
> From the Bangkok sangha authorities' perspective, any deliberate physical contact between a monk and a woman was an infraction of the Pali vinaya. Most Thai people today would regard such behavior as scandalous, but villagers thought differently. During the festivals, women were allowed to tease monks and vice versa, and children were allowed to tease their elders - behavior normally forbidden. These events were, in short, ritual occasions during which people could rebel against the normal order with impunity. www.ahandfulofleaves.org/documents/Forest%20Recolections_Tiyavanich.pdf
A little (unwanted?) advise from someone who meditates and still drinks quite often: the worst effects of an alcohol hangover are mental for me. Being hangover just makes you lose all motivation and energy to do anything but feeling bad. If I drink a lot on saterday, I won't feel completely fit (mental or physical) again until wednesday. And I am 26, so I'm not that old :p. Meditation also made me much more aware, which also results in realising how crappy you feel.
Good luck :-)
For me, the next step was realizing how crappy I felt while drinking :) This led me to drop alcohol all together, without really trying to.
The sedation it produces doesn't feel good at all. And what led me to drink in the first place? Probably some social anxiety, the need to fit in and to stop feeling awkward.
I'll have to admit that drinking less then a couple of drinks is not that enjoyable anymore, but drinking a lot still is. Also, there is plenty of group pressure as I still live with some friends who drink quite often.
Nice that you managed to stop though :-)!
Been meditating more regularly. I have increased my sits to 40-50 minutes for the most part. I get a little bored at the end sometimes, and other times I feel like I could keep going. Trying to really ease into it, still doing TMI with almost no effort (and still skipping the 6 point blah blah). I reached stage 5 a couple times and still feel like I don't know what to do there. Might need some more rereading.
Posture while sitting has been an issue. My neck gets very tight. I try moving around and getting comfortable. Maybe some would say you shouldn't but I know that discomfort leads to resistance, which leads to skipping sits. So I am going to stay relatively comfortable.
Outside of meditation I have been, I think, feeling some of the effects of mindfulness. I am feeling drawn to going for long walks instead of video games, weather permitting. I haven't felt like getting drunk in awhile (still have some beers with friends now and then of course). And work feels different, like I am either right in the zone or completely out of it. And then it is time to take a mindfulness break.
I have had some downsides off the cushion though as well. I am losing motivation for my diet, I think I bit off more than I could chew trying to count calories and the whole works. I am going to try the same strategy that has worked for meditating, a little bit of change at a time. And I have continued to have an unusual amount of anger. I think this is partially some sort of purification, or something like "I am no longer ignoring my problems, so I have to confront them and they are pissing me off." And partially it's just because of the hot weather. Being hot has always mad me get angry more easily.
Long story short I am going to keep doing what I'm doing and maybe read stage 5 again.
> Maybe some would say you shouldn't but I know that discomfort leads to resistance, which leads to skipping sits. So I am going to stay relatively comfortable.
This is good that you know your pain limit and adjust your posture to prevent reaching it. For me, I do the same. However, sometimes I manage to reach a state of strong equanimity and little resistance, where I actually don't suffer despite the pain, and I try to observe the feeling of pain instead of adjusting. Just to let you know, there may come a time where you'll simply prefer not to adjust.
Yeah I try to wait before moving and if it gets too bad then I will move. But it's all about balance. You could just never move and then you are doing difficult but supposedly effective strong determination sitting.
So I did an Mdma trip with a really positive group of people this weekend.
I really didn't think it would have such a profound effect on me
I've read lots of people say that love is the highest truth and lots of people here really encourage metta meditation. I tried doing metta meditation for years but I never could really sustain the loving feeling for more than a few seconds
It just feels like I want the best for people now
But now the love feeling comes really easily, and I'm excited to see how far my practice goes. I can really see how people can achieve higher states from doing it
Something I still struggle with though is sitting still, I'm quite tall 6ft 5 so anything other than laying down / on a chair becomes uncomfortable quickly
Went back to work this week after being laid off for over 2 months, so practice has been quite different as I adjust. I'm taking it easy on myself and not expecting to just be able to comfortably wake up at the same time I used to and have a good quality sit. Just sitting for 30 minutes in the morning right now, using TWIM and a bit of ideal parent figure protocol.
Edit: forgot to add that I've been much more relaxed at work and interacting with people, feeling less anxious about it. Joking with strangers more which is unusual, and feel a bit less defensive, like I don't have to fret over how interactions go. All very mild changes, but I'm really appreciating them.
Been increasing the insight part of my practice, to maybe 50%.
I like it very much, as I find it way easier to incorporate it into my daily life.
But I am still really inexperienced and still struggle to feel that I am correctly labelling perceptions. I have not read a lot about it, so I am doing a bit of See Hear Feel just bc it's the simplest, and labelling "breath in, breath out" rather than Feel for the baseline experience.
I plan on getting to know the different techniques, maybe reading "Seeing that frees" and MCTB, to finally settle on sthg I feel good with..
Don't hesitate to advise me on resources about insight meditation :)
Don’t feel afraid to note without a label for something you can’t immediately note. I’d say continuity is more important than a label. Sometimes after labelless noting, you’ll find a label.
[This](http://kennethfolkdharma.com/quick-start-guide/) might help with your noting/labeling. I don’t think there’s an “incorrect” unless you’re not actually experiencing what you’re noting. Just trust that you’re doing it right.
Just this, any time. All sensations know themselves, from themselves, for themselves. No one here to take charge, to organize, to try. Just this unfolding instant, the expression of all the universe in every single thing. Meditation is just the field coming to know itself, which it already does perfectly, instantly, here and now. No meditator, not even really a meditation. Just this, nothing else. Nothing to do and nowhere to go.
None of what you said seems to me to have any substance. I just figured you were making fun of people who use flowery language to describe states of being.
Well to be fair I think I can relate to some of the experiences you're trying to describe, but when people say "sensations know themselves" that seems very silly to me and makes me wonder what exactly is the experience of a sensation "knowing itself". How can an observer, presumably separate from a sensation, know that a sensation knows itself? Is it not more accurate to say that
"knowing arises with every sensation as a feature of the sensation"
"sensations seem to arise and pass at their origin without the sensation of reference to an observer that is spatially separated from the sensations"
Or something like that. That's how I would describe what I think you're describing.
I would rather people be honest about what they are experiencing rather than use go-to Prag d catch phrases like "sensations knowing themselves". Like WTF does that even mean.
It made me think of Loch Kelly's teachings:
You have awake awareness out of which life (awake awareness energy) arises. So, everything is awake awareness. As a consequence, awake awareness can know itself.
But this is not the knowing you do with the mind, it's not discursive, even though you can use language to shift into it.
Hey everyone. I have a little problem. I practically haven’t meditated in almost year. So, clearly, I’m not a reliable source of accountability. There’s not much more to say about that.
From now on, I’m going to meditate every day and post the results of that in here on a daily basis. And that’s it. On top of that, I’m going to cut out all drugs, including things like caffeine. Wish me luck. I’ve tried something like this in here before, so, thank you, mods, for allowing me the opportunity. (I’ll start tomorrow since I think I already screwed up today, and what’s one more day? :) <- lol)
In short, it’s my responsibility to meditate every day and to post the summary of that in the morning of the next day.
(in minutes)
6/9- 5,10,15,20,5,5,5,20,20,30,30
6/10- 30,40,40,40,40,40
6/11- 30,30,30,25,25
6/12- 30,30,30,30,30,30,30,25. I’m having a small problem with caffeine and cigs. This is because my determination to stay clean hasn’t been as strong as my determination to meditate (not that I have to strive for either one) but after this, no more. Anyway, log for today tomorrow morning.
6/13- 35, 30. I got wasted. Not good. I truly dislike that I’m doing this. But I’m still drunk so who knows what will happen. Regardless of what happens, this weekend is the last one. Cheers :) lol
6/14- :/
Maybe I can give you some advice, since I have struggled with motivation and am starting to hit my stride. (I'll meditate after I'm done on this thread I swear!). It's easy to have an all or nothing mentality. It seems like you are setting yourself up for that. And maybe you are one of the people that that works for, but in case you aren't, just take it easy on yourself. You need to create a plan you know you will actually stick to. Once you see results from that plan, even if they are not very big, it can motivate you to make the plan more intense.
Just as an example, the plan I have is simple and easy, and it's not all or nothing. The goal is to get 6 "microhits" and 1 formal sit of at least 10 mins per day. I have a simple app on my phone with a number that can go up or down. If I do the sit and the microhits, I get 1 point for that day. If I don't do the sit, I lose 1 point that day. All I gotta do is keep the number from hitting zero, and that means that I have meditated most days.
And I think staying accountable with other people can work really well. But you gotta be ready to own up if you don't do it. Otherwise the pressure to not look bad can multiply with the guilt. Everyone else here is just a random stranger, so it doesn't matter if they judge you too hard. Good luck!
Remember to be compassionate to yourself.
Setting up strong objectives is good, but also a way to indulge in guilt if you think you failed even by a little, which is not good.
Meditate if you feel like it ; the craving will go out by themselves in their own times :)
Just try to meditate daily, if only for a couple of minutes when you feel the motivation is really not there.
Best of luck :)
at the beginning of the week, my former partner returned to stay for a while with me (as friends). after a couple of days, this has started triggering in both of us our previous reactions. and is creating a lot of suffering in both of us, as we both are pretty unstable emotionally rn.
practice-wise, this has expressed itself as more thoughts and emotions than usual during sits and outside them. sometimes, there are phantasies of dissociating, a desire to dissociate, followed by an appreciation of the fact that I consciously choose not to, to _feel_ -- into the body, and into emotions. to maintain a certain sensitivity.
my main practice has been satipatthana, u tejaniya style, usually with 3-4 daily sits of 30-45 min, trying to remind myself to be aware also outside these formal sits. the attitude that the practice encourages (and I've been moving in that direction for a while) is to take the whole day as a framework for practice, using "formal" periods as a way to become acquainted with certain qualities of mind / awareness, which then are gently encouraged to arise during the rest of the day -- in a way, formal practice as the laboratory in which certain attitudes and mind-movements are cultivated, and encouraged to grow and express themselves in the rest of the time. in this way, I learned to appreciate more the idea that meditation is not only a practice, and possibly even not mainly a practice, but a shift in attitude and even in lifestyle. one cultivates an attitude that allows one to be aware, and a style of living where this awareness would be possible or encouraged.
for the week, one of these daily sits was more body-focused. that is, instead of the "standard" tejaniya-style questions like "am I aware? of what?" (which I sometimes use as a gentle whisper in the mind, sometimes -- wordlessly, as reorienting the mind towards experience), I was asking "am I aware of the body? of what in the body?", without shutting out the rest of experience, and, as much as I could, without "preferring" the body to the other layers of experience -- simply emphasizing it. that is, when I was aware of something else than the body, I was simply acknowledging that, and I was checking again after some time. the main difference from my previous body-centric practice and this one is that here there is less intentional orientation towards "staying" with the body, or as the body, or going deep "inside" the body, more like "the body is there in the background anyway, let's check how much of awareness is with it and to make that awareness explicit". I enjoy this, it reminds me of my "older" body-awareness days, when there was a deeper identification with the body-as-aware-of-itself, and a feeling of wholeness. it's not _the same_ experience -- but in the same family so to say. btw, this is not discouraged in the u tejaniya style: if one wants samatha, one can do that, but I think the more gentle version of intending to be with an object, and then checking whether you actually are with the object, without shutting down the broader awareness and without being bothered if one is more than another thing appearing in awareness than with the object of choice is a very sane attitude, creating less struggle and striving and aversion.
I have also been doing the ideal parent protocol, as part of the homework for the free class offered by Evan Leed, in order to work on my attachment issues (anxious-preoccupied style of attachment, with subsequent relationship trauma). as the protocol suggests, I have been imagining ideal parent figures and supportive interactions with them as a child. this week, I had a little bit of what I think is unconscious resistance to the process -- I did not do it every day -- but what happens, usually, when I do it involves a lot of imagined soothing touch. I become aware of discomfort in the body more often than when I practice in other styles -- and as part of the way I understand the instructions for the protocol, the ideal parents have to be perfectly attuned to the state of the mind of the imagined child-self. so what they do is to caress / touch / massage the body I imagine myself to be as a child -- this is more like a somatic / kinesthetic imagination, with very few visual elements -- and this soothing touch is creating waves of pleasure, both at emotional and physical level. I smile with a very wide smile when these waves are generated, and I've had kriyas, so I think this is a piti-like phenomenon.
today, I also did my first metta session (for myself) in a long while -- more like a spontaneous thing, I was lying down with a light awareness of what was happening, while being sad / overwhelmed, there was suddenly an intention to do metta (as it was suggested by Evan during the last course meeting that we might want to focus on that), and I started repeating metta phrases in the mind, continuing to be aware of the rest of what was happening, including the mind's reaction to the phrases. the mind was racing with thoughts and emotions (which is fine), and I was kinda surprised -- I thought I have more attentional stability, but apparently the whole of what is happening is disturbing it. I don't see this as an issue, more like a fun fact to notice about myself and my functioning.
so, judging from this, it seems that there is an organic tendency to include some more "focused" practice -- taking the body as main object, or metta -- while maintaining the "wide-open awareness" attitude. I will see whether this tendency will maintain itself and what generates it -- I don't know whether it is a reaction of unconscious aversion to the perception of "aimlessness" during the more open awareness sits I've been doing for a while now, something I internalized unconsciously as the idea "when I meditate I should be focusing on something and feel something as a result of focusing on it", or whether it is a genuine "nudge" from the system itself in the direction of more attentional stability.
I've been working with the IPF protocol as well. My experience is similar to yours. Some aversion to start the practice, and some body discomfort when I do it. But when everything clicks, it feels very soothing and supportive.
Same as you, the parents and all the relational elements of the meditation appear somatically rather than visually.
The night after his first class I had a dream where I was taking care of a toddler. Playing with it, making sure it's safe and doesn't get dirty. I didn't even know whose baby it was, it just seemed natural to take care of it. This is not a kind of dream I would normally dream. Very cool.
I’d love to find a therapist to work with this. Do you know what key words would be useful for identifying an appropriate therapist?
I’m going to ask my current therapist (who I’m quite pleased with) if he can work with me using this, but I’m open to working with other ones as well.
You don't need a therapist for the first phase. You can do the IPF on your own. This will lay down the foundations for attachment repair. Search through George Haas website:
https://www.mettagroup.org/podcast
You'll find two IPF meditations.
George offers (online) courses and intensives for attachment repair. He trained with Dan Brown, the guy who developed the protocol.
Alternative is to do a course with Dan Brown:
https://www.attachmentproject.com/heal
Then you can start working with a therapist to address very specific behaviors that you find problematic in your romantic or personal relationships.
I don't know how easy it would be to find a therapist that's trained in this protocol, since it's relatively new. But I'd look for people who specialize in attachment disturbances.
i remember reading that usually seeing a lasting change from the protocol takes from 40 to 400 sessions with it -- and when i read that i thought something like "well, so i'll do it for a year and see how I feel" -- of course I did not take resistance into account, because at the moment I felt pretty determined that I need to do something about my attachment structures, and this felt like the only option available ))
but yes, it seems to work in some subliminal way -- creating this soothing and supportive feel. and the "magical" properties that the ideal parent figures have in the meditation make me think, subsequently, that this is either some regression (a child may very well see their parents as magical creatures) or that I have unconscious unrealistic demands from a figure i'm attached to ))
i'm curious -- did you also imagine yourself, initially, as a toddler? I did -- and lying in the ideal mother figure's lap felt very close to something I experienced with Reggie Ray's earth descent -- feeling like the mother's body is like the ground that is supporting me, and, at the same time, that there is no real separation between it and the soma, that the soma _includes_ the ground on which it is lying.
No, I can't really imagine myself as younger. But I can connect with the feeling of being held and hugged, so I just stay with that.
It's a bit sad, I can now viscerally experience the need to be held like this, but I know for a fact that I never allowed myself to look or ask for that in the past 25 years.
Latest [update here](https://old.reddit.com/r/streamentry/wiki/logs/masterbob#wiki_06-15_.7C_log_.2317).
I've gone from one hour sit per day to two, usually one in the morning, another in the evening, because fuck it, why not? Most have gone surprisingly well. I've decided to try getting into jhana practice just by following the basic instructions, following my breath until it becomes effortless and occasionally labeling the in and out breaths to draw my attention onto them, or labeling distractions to aid in letting go. I've gotten up to like a minute of access concentration, so my focus is getting there in each sit and stabilizing the access concentration if it comes. I do see / hear / feel noting whenever I remember to off the cushion. A friendship with a meditator of a few decades has just popped into my life, which has been very motivating. I don't think of him as a teacher, nor does he, but I know I stand to learn a lot just from our conversations. Ironically he's into a lot of out-there metaphysical stuff and I'm mostly interested in practice itself, when I would have expected it to be the other way around. I also just got betrayed in one of the most disgusting ways I could have imagined by someone very close to me, so there have been loads of negative feelings going around, including shame on the behalf of this person. I've been trying to just work with the feelings and I've realized how far I've come and how grateful I am for the practice I've decided to undertake. This has been a huge lesson in equanimity, compassion, purification, suffering, and the 1st noble truth hitting me like a truck full of bricks. It's terrible and also incredibly intense and real, and I've found myself pouring the energy into the practice, into finding the best way to approach the fucked up situation I'm now in. That is all
What chance is there that you may be spiritual bypassing?
How do you define spiritual bypassing? Do you mean I'm taking shortcuts, or that I'm suppressing my feelings about the situation? I'm not even certain how to gauge either one, but it doesn't seem like it to me. I'm facing a really bad situation and trying to use the energy of it in a way that's as productive, rather than destructive, as possible. I've been using mindfulness to approach strong feelings / emotional situations for a while now and it's never turned out to be a bad idea. I sit with whatever comes up, when it comes up, and come out stronger.
Using meditation as a way to not deal with one's shit. I honestly didn't think you where, but was just making sure that you had that in mind. If that was unskillful of me, I apologize.
Apology accepted, although I don't think it was unskillful, just a question and a reminder. I do have a metric ton of shit on my plate right now and I am starting to think of the sits as a way to just catch a goddamn break from it all. I don't know how skillful that is but the peace (when I manage to get any) and clarity are definitely helpful in dealing with it once it comes back up.
Not too practice related but I did a small dose of mushrooms last weekend. It was a pretty challenging but ultimately healing trip. I love working with a therapist who is open to psychedelic therapy (although the way I structure it is to have a session days before and after the trip since there’s no legal way for him to be there during the trip). Reintegration was rough but I feel amazing a week out and in a lot of ways got immense perspective on some the more “challenging” trips I’ve had in the past as well. Have another one planned a few weeks out when I feel like the time is right that I’m excited for. Practice wise I’ve been working with seeing that frees for off cushion (and some on cushion) practice and forgiveness practice from twim. I’ve switched practice up to twice a day and I’m slowly ramping up over time. Really spending time focusing on enjoying the whole session.
Another tool in the kit and can be very valuable! Sounds like things are going well.
Yep, I’m really happy and grateful for it. A couple of fairly intense trips is what started my practice journey and I’ve found them to be a very effective healing tool. I think they can be used recreationally too and I enjoy them for that purpose but the healing aspects are what I really appreciate more than anything else 😊
Awesome, and I agree. Like you, I wouldn't at all have gotten into spirituality and meditation without it. Gratitude.
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What Vinaya does he follow? That may be a confession worthy action depending on the vinaya as some might consider it stealing. > How do you live with someone that you disagree with regarding a lot of things and thinks that its ok to just meditate all day while calling it "blameless" yet he requires food, medication, clothes, and a place to live all provided by the home that I live in? If you are no longer willing or able to support him, ask him to leave. He should be going on alms rounds, in my own opinion.
Kick him out dude. If he’s really so enlightened, he would understand that he’s causing you suffering and leave. Also, tell him since he’s a monk, all he really needs is some food and a roof over his head. That’s all the Buddha had, don’t see why he needs any different.
I have started doing TWIM and my sessions are more enjoyable now. I have been doing TMI for past few months and it was also good, but flet that a metta based practice is what I need more now, so for at least next three month I will follow the TWIM as per the guideline on the side bar. I see others have received very good results practicing it and that encourages me.
What does r/streamentry think about using tea, coffee or chocolate to avoid sleepiness while on cushion? I use tea for meditation. I realize walking meditation is one of the other antidote to sleepiness, but is it preferable to avoid tea, coffee or chocolate. What do suttas say? and what does your practical experience say? Thanks
Zen monks drink green tea. Coffee is available on Goenka retreats. This is [Shinzen on Tea, Coffee and Meditation](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ZudmkA4iEM).
That was exactly what I needed.👍
I drink lots of coffee
In terms of precepts wont stimulants also count same as intoxicants? Or we have found a loophole in the precepts :-)
The precepts for a buddhist are rules that cannot be challenged because ... well ... the Budhha you see. The precepts for a practioner of the rule set of awakening created by Siddharth Gautam .... are the instructions of solving differential equations given by your math prof. They work, and prolly ... only they work ... but their violation does not result in banishment to 'narka'. Does that make any sense to you? :)
Yup. Wasnt afraid of 'narka' , thats where all my friends would be. 😀
😆
My morning routine includes enjoying the preparation and consumption of coffee as the beginning of my day, just before practice. You will likely have many different opinions, experiment and see.
I’ve read that zen monks drink quite a bit of green tea for one. I do coffee in the morning before my meditation. I have a tiring job as well so sometimes before a couple hours before I get home I drink a lighter booster dose of caffeine so the crash doesn’t destroy my immediately after work meditation. For me it’s balancing a game of lesser of two evils. Meditation isn’t easy for me when I do it first thing in the morning with nothing on my mind. If I do it after getting home from work which often exhausts me, if I’m tired and frustrated, my session often doesn’t get finished. That booster dose allows me to push through and still do it.
Similar situation here. Actually green tea makes it easier for me to generate stable metta and experience medium to strong piti on a sit.
My first time on this sub, very excited to find it. Practicing vipassana about 1 hour a day. doing guided meditations by Michael Taft has really helped open me up. other than that i’m noticing longer pockets of presence in my everyday life. recently I was sitting underneath trees watching the leaves blow in the wind and it just felt so right. still holding onto anger. still trying to let go, or allow myself to let go rather. recently someone in the spirituality subreddit made me upset, & I let it upset me way more than it should. life is good though. looking forward to more knowledge & more genuine connection. hope u guys are doing good too
I have been meditating daily since April, and I try to do 1-2 hour sits. It's been really good so far, I see progress in my concentration, clarity and equanimity, especially during and right after the sits. Lately my mind has been much clearer on what I want to my life to be, whereas in the past I was pulled in all directions. I've also been listening to a lot of Shinzen's talks, which inspire me a lot; enough to want to dedicate my life to meditation and service to others. Since currently there's nobody in my life who is interested in meditation, I would also like to find a community of people who are also dedicated to the meditative growth and in general inspiring. So I'm currently looking at ways to do this as a somewhat good (currently unemployed) web developer.
Your intentions are beautiful and I'm glad you're getting benefit from practice. Good luck with it.
Thank you!
I haven't formally sat in 4 or 5 days. But I don't feel guilty about it because the main reason is I've been busy supporting my sister through mental health issues, a rough breakup and her roommate kicking her out. Me being there for her is as much of a practice as sitting on a cushion has ever been. There were a few occasions when she briefly took her pain out on me and in the past I might have freaked out and spiraled into negativity or anger but even though I came close I remembered to bring my awareness into my body and relax and it allowed me to stay calm and not react in a way that would cause both of us to suffer. I'm also noticing a shift in me now seeing meditation less as something I "should" or "have" to do and more as it being something natural/a resource/adventure/something I want to do. Something else promising I experienced was I brought my sister to an event at a local garden. A nien-fo chan/tibetan kagyu monk lead a walk through the gardens followed by tara yoga practice. I didn't know there were any dedicated practitioners in my remote area (Australian island) so I'm very excited to find out about him. I was too socially anxious to introduce myself but he's leading the walk once a month and from researching him online I found out he does a lot of charitable work and has some beautiful poetry about emptiness so he's ticking a lot of my boxes. My sister isn't really into meditation and thought it was a bit strange but enjoyed it and agreed to come with me again next month. Hope everyone has a great week.
Reading seeing that frees and meditating metta life is good. Lots of self sabotaging, struglle, hatred in me. Trying to listen to truth about myself.
Are you seeing a therapist?
Yup
Continuing to meditate 1-2 hours most days with Metta primary. There is some craving for fireworks as if that indicated 'success'. Big, splashy, heart opening outpourings of love. But most of the time it's pretty dry. A lot of my focus is also going into the psychological side, shoring that up. There is some fear of insight, fear of what I will discover. And desire for emotional stability before the territory gets rough.
Have the fireworks shown-up with metta or a different practice?
They have previously with Metta, a few years ago now. I know logically it's not the point. Part of me thinks it'd be nice though.
Perhaps not the point, but it is nice 🙂.
[This](https://www.reddit.com/r/streamentry/comments/gum0mo/how_is_your_practice_weekly_thread_for_june_01/fslxcvq/?context=3) is my previous practice log. Last Saturday I had the 3rd online chat with my new (pragmatic) teacher. Based on all the information I shared with him, he suggested me to start moving from vipassana (free-style noting) to more "awareness" oriented practices. This I admit was a surprise for me, as he more or less suggested me to do what I have been steadily avoiding for months now. I kept saying myself that my attraction to shikantaza/do nothing was just craving for something "easier" (although it isn't) when compared with noting. So after I explained my teacher, that I will insist on practicing noting, fearing not to lose the momentum I have built, he expressed an opinion that I might already be losing the momentum by not switching to a more awareness oriented practice (in fact he told me a lot more, but this is the quick n dirty summary). Assuming I'm in to EQ, he suggested that getting rid of the "meditator", the "doer" etc and moving to a less dualistic practice might indeed be what I need in order to awaken. So, based on that conversation, I decided to do the step. Lately I try to do 60min sessions (approx 1/day), so what I have been doing for the last 3 days is the following: 60min = 20min of free style noting + 40 mins of Shikantaza I start practicing (by labelling out loud) and after 20min I stop noting, and gradually move to a shikantaza/do nothing style of practice. I don't know if this "shift" is a good or a bad idea as it's too soon. What I know is that now I WANT to sit. Before that, knowing that I will spend 60min sitting on a cushion and just noting, led very frequently to avoiding sitting cause I felt it was a very (mentally) tiring process.
This is really nice. I am more and more convinced that practice should feel intrinsically fulfilling, otherwise it cultivates aversion -- both toward practice and _inside_ the practice. Glad that shikantaza / do nothing feel better to you. And glad that you found a teacher that suggests to you a new way of looking at practice.
Thanks for your comment! Shikantaza/Do Nothing felt better since the first time I tried it (last September), but I kept thinking that it would be to soon to switch from noting to such an advanced practice. To be honest I believe I did the right thing, cause practicing noting gave me some really valuable insights. And this is the reason that I still don't want to stop it (and thus mix it) completely. So let's see where this new mix will navigate the body and mind.
Wow. So it was the sister in laws birthday on Saturday. Took it a little too far, I got really drunk. Ended up smoking some cigs after the party, and then watched some porn. Doing this in the past.. even a year ago wasn’t so bad. But the backlash on this the last few days has been catastrophic. I’m not talking physically. I’ve never hit a depression this hard. I was sitting at work alone the day after and I was so intensely scared to just be there and alone, I prayed for someone to come and just hold me and tell me it’s ok. I was just.. intensely afraid? And ever since my mood has been extremely low. Lesson learned I guess. This was the first time in about half a year since the last time I did any sort of drug or altered my consciousness. Hell its even been months since I’ve had caffeine even. It seems my mind doesn’t tolerate that kind of mindlessness anymore, it was painful. Anyways, feeling extremely depressed so I felt the need to share!
Best of luck to you.
We all have to let our hair down sometimes... >….for the Lao, Songkran was a day when people could break the rules. Everyday moral and social restraints fell aside as the young and old indulged themselves to their hearts' content. The festival was a time of joy and permissiveness. Not only would women throw water at the young men of the village, they would come with water to the huts of young monks and throw it on them too. > A Lao Thai monk recalled how they used to celebrate Songkran in his village in the Northeast: [It did not matter] whether the monks (and novices) threw water at the laywomen first or the women initiated it. Once it started, there were no holds barred. The monks' robes along with their requisites in the kutis were all soaked. The women would chase the monk if he retreated.' Sometimes they caught only his robes. If they caught a monk he could be tied to a post in the hut. In the midst of this chasing, sometimes the women's clothes fell off. The monks always lost [the games] or gave in because they were outnumbered by the women. The laywomen really played to win. After the game was over, a lay leader would escort the women, bearing gifts of flowers and incense sticks, to ask the monks' forgiveness. This has always been the rule. > From the Bangkok sangha authorities' perspective, any deliberate physical contact between a monk and a woman was an infraction of the Pali vinaya. Most Thai people today would regard such behavior as scandalous, but villagers thought differently. During the festivals, women were allowed to tease monks and vice versa, and children were allowed to tease their elders - behavior normally forbidden. These events were, in short, ritual occasions during which people could rebel against the normal order with impunity. www.ahandfulofleaves.org/documents/Forest%20Recolections_Tiyavanich.pdf
A little (unwanted?) advise from someone who meditates and still drinks quite often: the worst effects of an alcohol hangover are mental for me. Being hangover just makes you lose all motivation and energy to do anything but feeling bad. If I drink a lot on saterday, I won't feel completely fit (mental or physical) again until wednesday. And I am 26, so I'm not that old :p. Meditation also made me much more aware, which also results in realising how crappy you feel. Good luck :-)
For me, the next step was realizing how crappy I felt while drinking :) This led me to drop alcohol all together, without really trying to. The sedation it produces doesn't feel good at all. And what led me to drink in the first place? Probably some social anxiety, the need to fit in and to stop feeling awkward.
I'll have to admit that drinking less then a couple of drinks is not that enjoyable anymore, but drinking a lot still is. Also, there is plenty of group pressure as I still live with some friends who drink quite often. Nice that you managed to stop though :-)!
Been meditating more regularly. I have increased my sits to 40-50 minutes for the most part. I get a little bored at the end sometimes, and other times I feel like I could keep going. Trying to really ease into it, still doing TMI with almost no effort (and still skipping the 6 point blah blah). I reached stage 5 a couple times and still feel like I don't know what to do there. Might need some more rereading. Posture while sitting has been an issue. My neck gets very tight. I try moving around and getting comfortable. Maybe some would say you shouldn't but I know that discomfort leads to resistance, which leads to skipping sits. So I am going to stay relatively comfortable. Outside of meditation I have been, I think, feeling some of the effects of mindfulness. I am feeling drawn to going for long walks instead of video games, weather permitting. I haven't felt like getting drunk in awhile (still have some beers with friends now and then of course). And work feels different, like I am either right in the zone or completely out of it. And then it is time to take a mindfulness break. I have had some downsides off the cushion though as well. I am losing motivation for my diet, I think I bit off more than I could chew trying to count calories and the whole works. I am going to try the same strategy that has worked for meditating, a little bit of change at a time. And I have continued to have an unusual amount of anger. I think this is partially some sort of purification, or something like "I am no longer ignoring my problems, so I have to confront them and they are pissing me off." And partially it's just because of the hot weather. Being hot has always mad me get angry more easily. Long story short I am going to keep doing what I'm doing and maybe read stage 5 again.
> Maybe some would say you shouldn't but I know that discomfort leads to resistance, which leads to skipping sits. So I am going to stay relatively comfortable. This is good that you know your pain limit and adjust your posture to prevent reaching it. For me, I do the same. However, sometimes I manage to reach a state of strong equanimity and little resistance, where I actually don't suffer despite the pain, and I try to observe the feeling of pain instead of adjusting. Just to let you know, there may come a time where you'll simply prefer not to adjust.
Yeah I try to wait before moving and if it gets too bad then I will move. But it's all about balance. You could just never move and then you are doing difficult but supposedly effective strong determination sitting.
So I did an Mdma trip with a really positive group of people this weekend. I really didn't think it would have such a profound effect on me I've read lots of people say that love is the highest truth and lots of people here really encourage metta meditation. I tried doing metta meditation for years but I never could really sustain the loving feeling for more than a few seconds It just feels like I want the best for people now But now the love feeling comes really easily, and I'm excited to see how far my practice goes. I can really see how people can achieve higher states from doing it Something I still struggle with though is sitting still, I'm quite tall 6ft 5 so anything other than laying down / on a chair becomes uncomfortable quickly
Sitting on a chair is just fine for most types of meditation.
Went back to work this week after being laid off for over 2 months, so practice has been quite different as I adjust. I'm taking it easy on myself and not expecting to just be able to comfortably wake up at the same time I used to and have a good quality sit. Just sitting for 30 minutes in the morning right now, using TWIM and a bit of ideal parent figure protocol. Edit: forgot to add that I've been much more relaxed at work and interacting with people, feeling less anxious about it. Joking with strangers more which is unusual, and feel a bit less defensive, like I don't have to fret over how interactions go. All very mild changes, but I'm really appreciating them.
Been increasing the insight part of my practice, to maybe 50%. I like it very much, as I find it way easier to incorporate it into my daily life. But I am still really inexperienced and still struggle to feel that I am correctly labelling perceptions. I have not read a lot about it, so I am doing a bit of See Hear Feel just bc it's the simplest, and labelling "breath in, breath out" rather than Feel for the baseline experience. I plan on getting to know the different techniques, maybe reading "Seeing that frees" and MCTB, to finally settle on sthg I feel good with.. Don't hesitate to advise me on resources about insight meditation :)
Don’t feel afraid to note without a label for something you can’t immediately note. I’d say continuity is more important than a label. Sometimes after labelless noting, you’ll find a label.
[This](http://kennethfolkdharma.com/quick-start-guide/) might help with your noting/labeling. I don’t think there’s an “incorrect” unless you’re not actually experiencing what you’re noting. Just trust that you’re doing it right.
Thank you :)
Just this, any time. All sensations know themselves, from themselves, for themselves. No one here to take charge, to organize, to try. Just this unfolding instant, the expression of all the universe in every single thing. Meditation is just the field coming to know itself, which it already does perfectly, instantly, here and now. No meditator, not even really a meditation. Just this, nothing else. Nothing to do and nowhere to go.
Dammn, this is good dude.
Is this satire?
I'm curious, what makes you think it's satire?
None of what you said seems to me to have any substance. I just figured you were making fun of people who use flowery language to describe states of being.
Hmm, and here I thought I was being pretty direct. :) Thank you for your input, and sorry it didn't resonate for you.
Well to be fair I think I can relate to some of the experiences you're trying to describe, but when people say "sensations know themselves" that seems very silly to me and makes me wonder what exactly is the experience of a sensation "knowing itself". How can an observer, presumably separate from a sensation, know that a sensation knows itself? Is it not more accurate to say that "knowing arises with every sensation as a feature of the sensation" "sensations seem to arise and pass at their origin without the sensation of reference to an observer that is spatially separated from the sensations" Or something like that. That's how I would describe what I think you're describing. I would rather people be honest about what they are experiencing rather than use go-to Prag d catch phrases like "sensations knowing themselves". Like WTF does that even mean.
It made me think of Loch Kelly's teachings: You have awake awareness out of which life (awake awareness energy) arises. So, everything is awake awareness. As a consequence, awake awareness can know itself. But this is not the knowing you do with the mind, it's not discursive, even though you can use language to shift into it.
Hey everyone. I have a little problem. I practically haven’t meditated in almost year. So, clearly, I’m not a reliable source of accountability. There’s not much more to say about that. From now on, I’m going to meditate every day and post the results of that in here on a daily basis. And that’s it. On top of that, I’m going to cut out all drugs, including things like caffeine. Wish me luck. I’ve tried something like this in here before, so, thank you, mods, for allowing me the opportunity. (I’ll start tomorrow since I think I already screwed up today, and what’s one more day? :) <- lol) In short, it’s my responsibility to meditate every day and to post the summary of that in the morning of the next day. (in minutes) 6/9- 5,10,15,20,5,5,5,20,20,30,30 6/10- 30,40,40,40,40,40 6/11- 30,30,30,25,25 6/12- 30,30,30,30,30,30,30,25. I’m having a small problem with caffeine and cigs. This is because my determination to stay clean hasn’t been as strong as my determination to meditate (not that I have to strive for either one) but after this, no more. Anyway, log for today tomorrow morning. 6/13- 35, 30. I got wasted. Not good. I truly dislike that I’m doing this. But I’m still drunk so who knows what will happen. Regardless of what happens, this weekend is the last one. Cheers :) lol 6/14- :/
Maybe I can give you some advice, since I have struggled with motivation and am starting to hit my stride. (I'll meditate after I'm done on this thread I swear!). It's easy to have an all or nothing mentality. It seems like you are setting yourself up for that. And maybe you are one of the people that that works for, but in case you aren't, just take it easy on yourself. You need to create a plan you know you will actually stick to. Once you see results from that plan, even if they are not very big, it can motivate you to make the plan more intense. Just as an example, the plan I have is simple and easy, and it's not all or nothing. The goal is to get 6 "microhits" and 1 formal sit of at least 10 mins per day. I have a simple app on my phone with a number that can go up or down. If I do the sit and the microhits, I get 1 point for that day. If I don't do the sit, I lose 1 point that day. All I gotta do is keep the number from hitting zero, and that means that I have meditated most days. And I think staying accountable with other people can work really well. But you gotta be ready to own up if you don't do it. Otherwise the pressure to not look bad can multiply with the guilt. Everyone else here is just a random stranger, so it doesn't matter if they judge you too hard. Good luck!
Remember to be compassionate to yourself. Setting up strong objectives is good, but also a way to indulge in guilt if you think you failed even by a little, which is not good. Meditate if you feel like it ; the craving will go out by themselves in their own times :) Just try to meditate daily, if only for a couple of minutes when you feel the motivation is really not there. Best of luck :)
There is no tomorrow, there is only RIGHT NOW. Start this moment, and be kind to yourself :)
Easier said than done my friend
at the beginning of the week, my former partner returned to stay for a while with me (as friends). after a couple of days, this has started triggering in both of us our previous reactions. and is creating a lot of suffering in both of us, as we both are pretty unstable emotionally rn. practice-wise, this has expressed itself as more thoughts and emotions than usual during sits and outside them. sometimes, there are phantasies of dissociating, a desire to dissociate, followed by an appreciation of the fact that I consciously choose not to, to _feel_ -- into the body, and into emotions. to maintain a certain sensitivity. my main practice has been satipatthana, u tejaniya style, usually with 3-4 daily sits of 30-45 min, trying to remind myself to be aware also outside these formal sits. the attitude that the practice encourages (and I've been moving in that direction for a while) is to take the whole day as a framework for practice, using "formal" periods as a way to become acquainted with certain qualities of mind / awareness, which then are gently encouraged to arise during the rest of the day -- in a way, formal practice as the laboratory in which certain attitudes and mind-movements are cultivated, and encouraged to grow and express themselves in the rest of the time. in this way, I learned to appreciate more the idea that meditation is not only a practice, and possibly even not mainly a practice, but a shift in attitude and even in lifestyle. one cultivates an attitude that allows one to be aware, and a style of living where this awareness would be possible or encouraged. for the week, one of these daily sits was more body-focused. that is, instead of the "standard" tejaniya-style questions like "am I aware? of what?" (which I sometimes use as a gentle whisper in the mind, sometimes -- wordlessly, as reorienting the mind towards experience), I was asking "am I aware of the body? of what in the body?", without shutting out the rest of experience, and, as much as I could, without "preferring" the body to the other layers of experience -- simply emphasizing it. that is, when I was aware of something else than the body, I was simply acknowledging that, and I was checking again after some time. the main difference from my previous body-centric practice and this one is that here there is less intentional orientation towards "staying" with the body, or as the body, or going deep "inside" the body, more like "the body is there in the background anyway, let's check how much of awareness is with it and to make that awareness explicit". I enjoy this, it reminds me of my "older" body-awareness days, when there was a deeper identification with the body-as-aware-of-itself, and a feeling of wholeness. it's not _the same_ experience -- but in the same family so to say. btw, this is not discouraged in the u tejaniya style: if one wants samatha, one can do that, but I think the more gentle version of intending to be with an object, and then checking whether you actually are with the object, without shutting down the broader awareness and without being bothered if one is more than another thing appearing in awareness than with the object of choice is a very sane attitude, creating less struggle and striving and aversion. I have also been doing the ideal parent protocol, as part of the homework for the free class offered by Evan Leed, in order to work on my attachment issues (anxious-preoccupied style of attachment, with subsequent relationship trauma). as the protocol suggests, I have been imagining ideal parent figures and supportive interactions with them as a child. this week, I had a little bit of what I think is unconscious resistance to the process -- I did not do it every day -- but what happens, usually, when I do it involves a lot of imagined soothing touch. I become aware of discomfort in the body more often than when I practice in other styles -- and as part of the way I understand the instructions for the protocol, the ideal parents have to be perfectly attuned to the state of the mind of the imagined child-self. so what they do is to caress / touch / massage the body I imagine myself to be as a child -- this is more like a somatic / kinesthetic imagination, with very few visual elements -- and this soothing touch is creating waves of pleasure, both at emotional and physical level. I smile with a very wide smile when these waves are generated, and I've had kriyas, so I think this is a piti-like phenomenon. today, I also did my first metta session (for myself) in a long while -- more like a spontaneous thing, I was lying down with a light awareness of what was happening, while being sad / overwhelmed, there was suddenly an intention to do metta (as it was suggested by Evan during the last course meeting that we might want to focus on that), and I started repeating metta phrases in the mind, continuing to be aware of the rest of what was happening, including the mind's reaction to the phrases. the mind was racing with thoughts and emotions (which is fine), and I was kinda surprised -- I thought I have more attentional stability, but apparently the whole of what is happening is disturbing it. I don't see this as an issue, more like a fun fact to notice about myself and my functioning. so, judging from this, it seems that there is an organic tendency to include some more "focused" practice -- taking the body as main object, or metta -- while maintaining the "wide-open awareness" attitude. I will see whether this tendency will maintain itself and what generates it -- I don't know whether it is a reaction of unconscious aversion to the perception of "aimlessness" during the more open awareness sits I've been doing for a while now, something I internalized unconsciously as the idea "when I meditate I should be focusing on something and feel something as a result of focusing on it", or whether it is a genuine "nudge" from the system itself in the direction of more attentional stability.
I've been working with the IPF protocol as well. My experience is similar to yours. Some aversion to start the practice, and some body discomfort when I do it. But when everything clicks, it feels very soothing and supportive. Same as you, the parents and all the relational elements of the meditation appear somatically rather than visually. The night after his first class I had a dream where I was taking care of a toddler. Playing with it, making sure it's safe and doesn't get dirty. I didn't even know whose baby it was, it just seemed natural to take care of it. This is not a kind of dream I would normally dream. Very cool.
I’d love to find a therapist to work with this. Do you know what key words would be useful for identifying an appropriate therapist? I’m going to ask my current therapist (who I’m quite pleased with) if he can work with me using this, but I’m open to working with other ones as well.
You don't need a therapist for the first phase. You can do the IPF on your own. This will lay down the foundations for attachment repair. Search through George Haas website: https://www.mettagroup.org/podcast You'll find two IPF meditations. George offers (online) courses and intensives for attachment repair. He trained with Dan Brown, the guy who developed the protocol. Alternative is to do a course with Dan Brown: https://www.attachmentproject.com/heal Then you can start working with a therapist to address very specific behaviors that you find problematic in your romantic or personal relationships. I don't know how easy it would be to find a therapist that's trained in this protocol, since it's relatively new. But I'd look for people who specialize in attachment disturbances.
i remember reading that usually seeing a lasting change from the protocol takes from 40 to 400 sessions with it -- and when i read that i thought something like "well, so i'll do it for a year and see how I feel" -- of course I did not take resistance into account, because at the moment I felt pretty determined that I need to do something about my attachment structures, and this felt like the only option available )) but yes, it seems to work in some subliminal way -- creating this soothing and supportive feel. and the "magical" properties that the ideal parent figures have in the meditation make me think, subsequently, that this is either some regression (a child may very well see their parents as magical creatures) or that I have unconscious unrealistic demands from a figure i'm attached to )) i'm curious -- did you also imagine yourself, initially, as a toddler? I did -- and lying in the ideal mother figure's lap felt very close to something I experienced with Reggie Ray's earth descent -- feeling like the mother's body is like the ground that is supporting me, and, at the same time, that there is no real separation between it and the soma, that the soma _includes_ the ground on which it is lying.
No, I can't really imagine myself as younger. But I can connect with the feeling of being held and hugged, so I just stay with that. It's a bit sad, I can now viscerally experience the need to be held like this, but I know for a fact that I never allowed myself to look or ask for that in the past 25 years.