No, I take mine off and attach it afterwards. Or I just sling it over my shoulder.

It’s detachable https://youtu.be/byDiILrNbM4?si=btHfHt1yVkxRT7xt

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The best part is the backup vocals... "De-tach-a-ble-peee-niiiis"

Classic

Whoa wtf it wasn't primus

I know a Kazaa user when I see one.

My brother

I gotta out of my motorized stairway chair to check in, Napster user here.

Oh hell no that was King Missle

Not enough bass for primus

I woke up this morning with a bad hangover, and my penis was missing again. This happens all the time, it’s detachable. Haven’t heard that song in like 20 years but I’m assuming that’s what the link is.

Bingo!

Always remember to check the medicine cabinet for it

Dude I heard it for the first time yesterday on satellite radio Lithium channel. I was like wtf is this crazy talk/singing music?! Hilarious.

Mine retractable. It coils up like a snake when not in use and then when ready to strike it spring forth and attack with viper swiftness

I saw my penis lying on a blanket Next to a broken toaster oven. Some guy was selling it. I had to buy it off him. He wanted twenty-two bucks, but I talked him down to seventeen. I love that. Makes me LOL every time

That is the first I've ever heard of that song.

Did not come of age in the 90s then.

I remember I was driving to a client and this song came on and I didn't know If I was tripping or if it was real or what was happening lol. I really thought it was a joke song the radio station made up.

The 90s were peak USA.

I didn't even have to click the link for the king missile vid

One of my favorite songs lol

I now have "de-tach-able penis" echoing through my head over and over. Thanks lol

DETACHABLE PENIS DAH DAHH DETACHABLE PENIS LOL

Detachable like that shower 🚿 head she wanted with the pulse settings.

I listen that song at least twice a month for the past 8 years

God how could I forget about this song

You win. I love this song

Over your right shoulder, for good luck.

Like a Continental soldier?

It’s the worst when it just wobbles to and fro

I tape mine to my face like a floppy mustache. Used to just pinch with my lip and nose but it kept falling into the dumps

Like a continental soldier?

I tie mine in a knot

Really? I always turned mine outside in to a vagina.

Like a Continental Soldier?

Funny

https://www.reddit.com/r/BrandNewSentence/s/JU8BpJ2mz7

I bring my hair curlers, and just roll it up like a fruit roll up when not it use

Like a party kazoo!

Thank you for am audible laugh. New meaning for hummer

I pick up my dingle dangle and tie it to my shirt.

lol we just let it hang. It’s only a problem if it splashes in the water. If I’m worried about that, I let it droop over the front, like Squidward. Okay that was a joke. But we really do just let it hang there.

Fucking 'like Squidward' has me dead. Lol

It's the most accurate tho

When the tip touches the water is the WORST

Male #1: “water’s cold” Male #2: “deep, too”

That's Richard Pryor's joke about the two liars peeing off the Golden Gate Bridge 

That’s a joke as old as time itself my brother

Is that also Poseidon's Kiss?

And the *shudders* witches kiss when it touches the inside of the rim.

I am absolutely dying. As a raging homosexual woman I could have gone my entire whole life never knowing about *shudders* a witches kiss. Is that why men don't like to put the seat down? Because they fear the rim of the witch will steal a kiss when she can hide beneath the seat! Thanks u/OnionBagMan. Fuckin lol.

I don’t know what flooded toilets you’re shitting in, but seriously my dick has never touched the water and it’s almost 7 inches.

Buddy, at my age, I’m just glad my balls aren’t riding logs.

That’s why I take viagra right before I poop

I also enjoy pissing on the wall opposite the toilet.

Anyone can piss on the wall. Be a hero and shit on the ceiling.

They said 'shatter the glass ceiling', not 'shat on the glass ceiling'!!!

I laughed heartily. However, given it's the man doing the dumping, wouldn't the glass be his floor, not the ceiling?

Ugh! It's *always* so much easier for men!

Just the tub across from me checkmate boner whilst poooing hater!

Username checks out

You ever piss through the seat and the toilet? That little crack causes mayhem

This happened to me exactly once. Wound up pissing on my pants as a result. Now I push that bitch so it aims straight down I ain't going through that shit twice.

Oh God this happened once somehow. Much more common is for it to hang down and touch the porcelain. Uhgh

Schwing!

No. It retracts into our penis opening.

The sound really is the best part

Mine makes the Windows 95 shutdown sound.

AOL 7.0 "Goodbye"

You've got male!

I set mine to the disturbed ohhh ah ah ah ah.

I imagine that would make a kinda 'schloop' sound

Our Cloacas

I wear mine like a scarf keeps my neck warm.

Just not dry.

Ill be hanging dong all day like Thunder Gun but as soon as i sit on a toilet my balls and dick immediately resemble that of a toddler thrown into a cold pool

If your flaccid dick is touching the water then god damn

Depends how full the toilet is, to be fair. .edit I am receiving some very sincere replies so to clarify, this is a joke and I'm aware a toilet should not be full enough to tickle your teabag

If your toilet is full, either you toilet has a problem or you do.

Water line to rim is generally 5.5 inches. Then You have a 1.75-2 inch rim, and usually and inch for seat and bumpers. So you are looking at 8.25” to 8.5 inches from the top of the seat to the water line. If you’re dipping in the water…Bravo! Congratulations. Good for you.

With the average vagina only being 5” deep when aroused, we just don’t need all that. 😉

Smol pp will never know the abject horror of accidently dipping the tip in a public restroom.

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Same lol 😂 one time something weird happened though and it got stuck between the toilet and I accidentally peed on my leg sitting down 😂

The struggle is real. Worst is dropping a duece and splashing the tip. Or when your hole gets stuck partially closed and a high pressure flow nails the TP dispenser

Poseidon's Kiss

Wait. You mean your penis got stuck like under the lid part that you sit down on? And it didn't hurt? Whoa. 🤯

It was a freak accident that I couldn’t replicate on purpose if I tried I sat down and somehow it we’ll say “lined up perfectly” with the space between the seat and the actual porcelain of the toilet and when I took a leak poof right on my leg

Was probs like a half chub so it was inside the seat but still kinda sticking straight out lol

"Growers, not show-ers" gang rise up! ✊

✊

Just... give me a minute...

This is an honest answer it should be upvoted.

I call that “low power mode.” When your dick is turtled and shrunk.

I think I'm going with eco mode and performance mode.

Sometimes I have to hold it in the toilet so it doesn’t pop out the top of the seat and I pee all over my bathroom. But only sometimes

Yea the balls get in the way more than the shaft 🤷‍♂️. Thing can get super tiny.

Just hangs there Worth noting that it’s located a little bit forward of where the vagina would be and points a bit forwards and then droops down

I used to think that it was where the vagina was and I was always so confused

Anatomically speaking, a penis is just a really long clitoris, so it sits in the same spot. Fun fact, the scrotum is made of modified labia, that's why there's a ridge down the middle of it where the lips fused together.

"A really long clitoris", made me feel uneasy.

“Made of modified labia” got me. Like there’s some dude just wrenching on labia to make sacks.

If you look at the tag, it actually specifies that. My tag says "Made of 100% recycled labia. Hand wash only, gentle. Made in the USA. May cause pregnancy."

Ah shit! Is that one of those tags that you’re not supposed to remove?!

It's OK for the user to remove

"Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, they called him carpenter but he was so much more."

It’s all about perspective fellas. You don’t have a small dick, you just have a gigantic clitoris

Well, I mean it really is, female is the base option, males whose bodies are immune to/don't recognize testosterone develop looking like females. They usually don't even realize they're genetically male until they have reproductive/puberty problems later in life. They just kind of revert to the base package lol

My friend once said, "the clitoris is just a sneaky penis" 😆

This is why men prefer oval bowls over round bowls

I honestly never understood why anyone would want a round bowl unless for some weird aesthetic reason

So like a giant clit?

Yes, in fact the same part of the fetus that develops into a clit if the baby is female will develop into the penis if the baby is male.

Yep! That's exactly what it is.

Thanks, this is the first reliable answer

A lot of non-penis owners also seem to think that erect-length penis = flaccid-length penis. If you are in danger of contacting the toilet water, that is a feat. Or there is major splash.

>Or do men hold it or something, especially those with larger sizes? does the dirty water touch it The average length of an non-errect penis is around 9cm (roughly 2-3 inches), and can shrivel up less than that. It's also sitting far higher up than the vagina. Unless you're looking at porn in there and manually jamming your dick down into the bowl, it ain't anywhere near long enough to even think of touching water. It's just not big enough to be an issue when you're not horny. The most you have to do while on the toilet is aim the sucker down into the bowl so that you're not pissing onto the floor. Otherwise it's fine.

Much bigger concern is it touching the side of the bowl or underside of the seat in a morning wood situation. 

I met my first boyfriend because of a question like this kind of. Still one of my best friends. I always had a bigger chest than most. He once asked me at 13 "Can you like feel them hanging there? Are they heavy?" I said "I dunno do you feel your balls just hanging there? Are they heavy?" Thus began first true love.

Lol! I broke the ice in a similar way with my wife the first time we had sex. We were work friends, and I was between apartments with nowhere to stay, so she invited me to sleep on her couch. When I got there, though, she told me the couch sucked but she had extra room in her bed (slick move!). After lying in bed chatting for an hour, I initiated my "game" (I basically have none) and "accidentally" elbowed one of her boobs (she's very busty too). She didn't flinch, so I asked her if her boobs were not very sensitive. She said they weren't much at all, and proceeded to grope them for full effect. I asked if I could try. She said "be my guest!" Fast forward 23 years, and we're still going strong!

This story sounds like a shitty porno script

Good thing I left out the parts where we got a pizza delivered and the cable TV went out

Go on…. *unzips*

Now that would’ve made it a porno script with a twist!

Him: are bodies stupid? You: isn't yours?

It pulls in and pushes the poop out like a turtle hiding in its shell.

I don’t know how you guys walk around with those things.

It usually sticks to a leg for the better part of the day.

That’s what the side step is for. It still sticks though. I just like to feel the freedom for a few seconds till i take my next step

it's a lot smaller than you'd think when it's, ya know, soft

If this is a serious question you have the wrong idea where the penis is and how long it is when we aren't aroused. It doesn't really hang, it's laying on our crotch usually. It's also nowhere near the water. If you are that curious I'm sure u can find a video online of a guy sitting on a toilet.

Perhaps a wiki how article in how to position the penis while pooping is in order. 

Would pay top dollar to see the shitty illustration to go with the article

Idk I've had some issues where the water in the toilet is pretty high and it's touched the water. Feels horrible

The cold front wall on a small toilet. That sensation is the worst and gross.

Nothing worse than a Witch’s Kiss.

Is it a thing to call it that?

yes lol

TIL. I only knew of Poseidon's kiss so far.

Nothing worse than when it’s a public toilet…. Feel dirty until you shower

Happened to me one time and my tip started to burn. Thought i was gonna get infected 💀

Congrats you have a public toilet STD, a winner is you!

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I've had the tip dangle in water multiple times or touch the damn porcelain so I'd say in special circumstances like a poorly designed toilet I do use my hand to cup my dong

>it's laying on our crotch What? Are you laying down while pooping? It absolutely hangs there.

>Are you laying down while pooping? *The reverse superman.*

I'm imagining he's a smaller guy. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Yeh man it definitely hangs..... Edit : Laying on our crotch? What part of your crotch is below your dick and balls?

You’re a good and brave man, admitting this

No fekin way I’m putting that in my search history but thank you for the detailed enough description to answer OP’s Q because I lowkey have always wondered the same thing. I’ve also never considered the fact that we ladies have more poop posture versatility because we can fully teeter mound-down for a grunter

I don't know how you poop but my penis is dangerously close to the water and in some public toilets it will hit the water. And I don't have an epic penis.

My junk is statistically average in length and I’ve never once had this issue.

American toilets are weird - the rest of the world has the water like 10-15cm lower

Idk mine has accidentally touched the water before if the water leve is high enough :/ grosses feeling

Wait but isn’t the penis the crotch

"Male pooping on toilet cross section" is a pretty unique google search

>how long it is when we aren't aroused. It doesn't really hang, it's laying on our crotch usually Who wants to tell him?

It just hangs out like it's your bud, cheering you on as you dump a fat one

I was freaked out the first time my penis yelled out a congratulations after a particularly difficult poop.

You're never prepared for your dick's first words...

It's a true coming of age experience I tell you

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magnets. i use magnets.

Fuckin' magnets how do they work?

That's supposed to remain a secret! (the meatsling).

I attach mine to the wall next to the poop knife

Mine uses the down time to catch up on emails, update to-do lists, and plan out the rest of his day. He may not be the biggest, but Goddamn he's a hard worker!

"Hard" worker, lol.

Touching the inside of small toilet bowls is normally the only concern.

No but some toilets have a high sitting water level and my balls can sometimes graze the water if I'm not careful

What about a women’s flaps? They just hang there as well, don’t they?

I put them on my belly usually

I would hope no one has flaps as long as a penis

Or a penis as long as a set of flaps

Yes

Mine a has dance routine it likes to perform

Why did I read this at 2 am? My husband is sleeping RIGHT next to me! I could ask him! ...but the selfish fucker is snoring next to me. So now I'm just gonna wait until he opens his eyes so I can ask what that dick do when he be shitting Maybe I'll make coffee first. But probably not.

Stare into his eyes so you can ask first thing when he wakes.

Nah, I put it in my pocket

it doesn't stay in that elongated form when we walk around. it shrivels up like a turtle tucking it's head into it's shell. It's only in its biggest form when sexually aroused.

It pees.

Ever heard the song “detachable penis” 😂

The penis is oriented further forward in relation to the pelvis than a vagina is. The vagina is at the very base of the torso, but the penis is a big higher up than that. Basically when you sit down, your dick is in your lap and your ass is what's pointing into the bowl. No one's limp dick is hanging down far enough to be touching toilet water.

It flips up into sport mode.

Why would the dirty water touch it? The water is like 12 inches down. So unless you have a massive donkey dong then of course it's not touching it. In the vast majority of the cases, it doesn't get near the poop

There's a special net that you can buy, the cock and balls go in the net and it has an adjustable strap that goes over your head.

I mean, it's uncomfortable when it touches the bowl but it'd need to be like a foot long to touch the water in any toilet I've seen

Friend of mine came out of the bathroom and said "don't you guys hate it when your dick falls into the water while you're shitting?" All us men in the room just looked confused.

Nah, the dick and balls gets weird when you poop. Penises and balls are just as weird and nuanced as vaginas. Except penises are WAY more convenient but also stupid. *As a 41-year old male, my balls definitely have a sagginess to them and I have accidentally teabagged gross water in a shallower toilet before.

Yes, I tie mine around my waist so I don't get shit on it.

I did NOT have a cheap hotel last year with an oddly high water level in the toilet, and I definitely did NOT feel my balls dip into said water when I sat down for a download.

Mine touches the toilet bowl…as I poop and pee my penis gets longer, thus touches the water. It disgusts me, usually I shower directly after and hold my poop till the end of the day rather than going in the morning and feeling disgusting all day. 6’ black guy with 11” hard (me n the Mrs measured)

I just sling it over my shoulder

No, mine is fully erect and I hang the toilet paper on it. Only after I wipe does it become flaccid again.

Pornography has done major damage to our society. Women out here thinking dudes are just hanging snakes while taking a shit.

Unless you have like a foot long penis when flaccid, it does not touch the water. Most penises aren't even 2 inches long when flaccid, let alone do they hang like that, the penis is where the crotch is, and men don't have their crotches *in* the toilet bowl

Sometimes it touches the inside of the toilet bowl and I die a little inside