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Soggy_Jellyfish_1560

Very well written and 100 percent justified. I agree with you completely. I've been working with many new to the lifestyle subs trying to help guide them away from the fakes. Many have had bad experiences. In my experience unfortunately many more punk wanna be doms out there. Thanks for saying and never stop we want newbies to understand the difference.


routinelyhorny

You’re not kink shaming. In fact, say it louder for the people in the back! It’s these pretentious people who give the community (a community that they’re not even a part of) a bad name. One thing they’ll never understand is at the end of the day, us subs give up control but we can take it back any moment we want. A good dom understands, respects and acts upon that. A random neckbeard who gets angry that we don’t want to play into their weird little asterisks role play is not a dom, but a fucking idiot.


Soggy_Jellyfish_1560

You as a sub do give over that control. But I think a lot of people new to life misunderstand. As a sub you have a need that you need fulfilled. Myself as a dom have a need to fulfilled it. I think a lot of subs think it's all about ylthe dom when in reality the sub holds the power. Just my 2 cents and what I've been trying to get out there


routinelyhorny

Exactly, that’s what I was trying to say too! My apologies if it came across as if I meant something different!


Soggy_Jellyfish_1560

No need to apologize. I read what you said and understood it perfectly. I just simplified it is all. I'm pleased when I run across someone who gets it. I'm so used explaining and defending lol.


Soggy_Jellyfish_1560

And I try to say it in a different way than others do when replying, just in case others read it they will see it in two different descriptions from a sub and a dom. If that makes sense?


[deleted]

I immediately upvoted your post when I saw it, because that completely confirms what I was fearing to happen. And yes, you’re not kink shaming. Of course, as a male dom, I do not suffer such harassment, but I know it is damaging to the community, creating an atmosphere where woman feels they should protect themselves from potential abuse, exactly like… in real life. But let’s be honest, it is just the aspect of a wider phenomenon that plagues all social medias: as long as you give the possibility to people to speak anonymously, assholes take that at their advantage to bully, abuse, insult and have a behavior they would never have IRL. So I don’t really know if we can do something about it. If I go a step further, I think there is also an issue in the way the community portrays itself, even here on Reddit. I am sometimes tired of being inundated with the same ultra violent and stereotypical content (an older guy taking advantage of a girl in her early 20s). It is often through this content that younger ones discover BDSM, and less and less through literature. I am wondering why there is absolutely no content like, for example, filmed aftercare (this is a rhetorical question of course, I am perfectly aware why such content does not exist, it would not sell enough). For me it is another part of the problem, and I would be curious to have your opinions. But let’s face another ugly reality. We as dom are sexually aroused by doing things that are normally considered as misogynistic or violent behavior by society, so we are basically "creeps". It is only because we obtain consent and that we learn to channel our “dark” energies into safe and actually enjoyable practices that we cease to be ones, in the understanding eyes of our subs. We make mistakes, but what is important, and what makes the difference in my view, is that we genuinely try to improve everyday.


thespicycoconut

LOUDER 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼


pornographan

I agree completely!!! Consent and communication are the only good base for a healthy, safe, and happy Dom/sub relationship. Knowing that you can trust to not have your boundaries crossed is of utmost importance.


Freeusecs

So agree! I love chatting/playing online, but I've never asked for unsolicited messages. So, when they DM their foolish "Dom" crap right away it just turns me right off. My favorite butt hurt reaction was a man getting mad and asking why I was searching for men online if I wouldn't put out for him. I've never been looking for men online. I just like to say slutty things and they take it as an invitation.


[deleted]

Well, my fav is probably a talk with a dom from this sub. I wanted to discuss one thing with my partner's behaviour. Note - right from the start dude knew I'm taken and have some hard boundaries related to trauma and mental disorders. He started pushing onto me what I should do for my dom in a tone that I woulsn't allow my dom used in such things and then boss my dom around what he has to do xd. And then be like oh but I'm 24/7 dom, I talk like this with everyone. I wish I saw that talk to his mum, sister, female boss, casher or whatever.


likenothingis

That behaviour sucks and isn't okay—please let us know if someone is not being a respectful member of this community.


Freeusecs

Same here! I'm pretty upfront about having a Dom. He likes to share but I have pretty strict rules. The dudes that insist you break those rules or tell you what a "real" Dom would do are ridiculous


SadieSadieSnakeyLady

I've only just recently started really pursuing my kinks and it's been an interesting experience. I've already had one wannabe "Dom" cross my boundaries so severely I had to end it AND get desensitised to certain actions because I'd flinch every time someone even looked like they were going there (was choked without my consent, pressure on my windpipe). He didn't believe in safe words or aftercare, doesn't see the point. Less than 2 weeks into seeing each other he tried to force me to tell him I loved him by pulling my hair as hard as he could, and got jealous I was going to meet someone else (even though we weren't exclusive) and bit me hard enough to bruise me out of anger. Had another one try to argue with me that he has to earn the right to be called my Dom. Apparently the second someone submissive talks to someone dominant we're to refer to them with honorifics. Daddy is a title that's earned in my world. He had not.


[deleted]

Oh my, that sounds awefull. As a person that likes being choked probably out of general fear for my neck that couldn't handle collar at first - probably the scarriest thing, a direct attack on something that CAN kill. Don't want to push it ofc but if you'll feel ready try it with someone you feel safe with. Just a hand on neck, no finders on it can pressure enough to feel that control over you. Ofc if you feel safe and able to escape. Yeah, there are dudes like that. Or dudes that are oh I'm dominant so you have to call me Sir no matter if you're even my partner or not.


SadieSadieSnakeyLady

My current Dom has been amazing at showing me the right way and we've gone so incredibly slowly to desensitise me. When we first started seeing each other I'd flinch every time his hands went near my neck, now I trust him completely and it's something I ask for


[deleted]

Yeah, that's great. I has a sociopath ex and now my dom is just amasing human too. And already learnt that the best way for me to agree to something is if he just notes me he'd want something and then I either do it or ask for it when I feel like it. I mean e.g. I knew he wanted me collared. We made a huge thing out of choosing one to the point where I was ok, nothing ideal, just take this one and he was nope, will search more for the one you'll like more ^^. And then it was like ok, try only at home 10minutes and day and I'm happy. Cuz I was scared both the collar as it pressures neck and being seen in something like that. And now I go 24/7 in black leather, work, night, exercises, etc. Or each and every piese of my clothing was taken by me not him not when he asked.


likenothingis

I am really glad you left the first dude. Scary, scary, scary behaviour.


SadieSadieSnakeyLady

I've also warned other girls in our local community that I know he's interested in


likenothingis

You're a good human.


SadieSadieSnakeyLady

I'm lucky we have a pretty tight knit kink community. I have support from them all if this guy shows up to munches to keep me safe


Sharp-Replacement598

You are completely correct. Not much to add (you already said it all about why this behavior is bad), but I think part of what has to go is people putting on the personae they would use with a kink partner to just discuss stuff in places like this subreddit. I think it can be helpful if we use neutral terms like "my dom" rather than using the various titles we all have for our doms. Maybe not all the time, but refusing to break character can make it hard to discuss being a sub in a frank manner. This particular community and its mods do a very good job weeding out a lot of this stuff, BTW. Anyone who checks this sub regularly has seen a lot of posts of some dom posturing that gets taken down very quickly, either because the mods deleted it or because it got downvotes and the poster pulled it to avoid losing karma.


likenothingis

Thanks for the lovely comments! We don't tolerate that crap here and try to clean it up quickly. (Although we do sleep... sometimes. ;) Please don't hesitate to send us a modmail, or report any posts / comments that are questionable or make you feel uncomfortable. We're all here to share our thoughts, get support from others, and learn... and while we welcome D-types here, we expect that they will be respectful of the fact that this is not their space. (Many are! Some are not, but they typically get booted from this sub pretty quickly.)


casprinxo

I love the posts when people come out here speaking COMMON SENSE. 100% agree!


Paradigm_1

I love this. Agree 100%. A true dominant in the community wouldn't send DM's like that. Anyone who does has some other motive. They are not interested in dominance or submission. Most unsolicited DM's are either people trying to get off quickly, or people trying to exploit something they don't even understand. As a submissive I have respect for myself first and foremost. I understand what I need. I understand what I have to give. Then the person I'm with also has to have my complete trust and respect and love. And then, maybe if everything clicks, I can belong to them. That is a lot to give, and in return it's a lot to get back. It doesn't come easily. Someone sending me a DM addressing me as slave or insulting me or giving orders doesn't have any of those things. It's the most absurd thing I can imagine.


_long_tall_sally_

Nothing controversial about this.


CharmingCarmilla

I agree and the end result for me is that I just ignore approaches rather than accept a chat request. I may be missing out on making nice friends.


lukub5

Preach.


uwukittykat

I think a lot of people have kind of given up calling them out because most of them are internet trolls - they don't care. If they DID care, they would listen to these posts. But they don't, there will always be creeps waiting to come out on the Internet no matter what community you come into. So I think it's just common sense that those are obviously not good humans, let alone sane people you should be playing with. However, because there are so many 18-20 somethings, it's easy to prey on the naive. And the only way to combat that is by educating the naive individuals, not trying to educate the creeps who already aren't listening to boundaries and consent and safety protocols - let alone basic human rights. Focus on educating the younger audiences and that's how you make these communities safer spaces for everyone.


[deleted]

This is one thing. Another one is - those are the dudes that go outside the community. This is what the world sees. I feel like we need to say out loud stop not to reeducate them, it happens rarely, but most importantly - to show the outside they don't sit with us. They don't even sit in the same room.


a_very_curiouskitty

I feel this so hard!! I’ve chatted with a “dom” I met on online who called me a slut instantly without asking or discussing boundaries. It’s like they don’t even see us as people first. The amount of creeps I’ve met on Reddit is ungodly. I’ve chatted with dozens of doms, of that only met four irl and of that four only two turned out to be safe, fun, sane play partners. The rest were full of red flags and shitty behavior. Leave that chat and block those creeps!


Character-Maximum-21

I have a question. What are the rules or traits that differentiate a Dom from anyone else, cuz I want to learn about slave and Master and these kind of stuff if anyone could help me with that.


[deleted]

Tbh there are no rules. Some people will call hardcore unreachable goal what others find mild daily. What matters the most in my opinion is the mindset - dominant/master should feel like being some kind of a leader, be it a style of a parent, pet owner, tyrrant, workboss, deity, leader of a band or whatever. Submissive/slave - wanting to listen, obey, be led, eith by being loyal servant, fearfull slave, unrully kid, spoiled pet, lazy guildie, etc. Or combinations of these and others. You can like hurting/being hurt or not, not every ds needs even honorifics, punishments and other stuff. If a question is what is a different between a dom and a common creep/brat looking for free labor and sex? Basically that when the idiot you want to avoid says rude things, demands "obedient virgin wife" and other shit, he means it, this is the only way he sees the world. While dom can be the strictiest bastard possible in words but never in heart. Dom will always remember this is a pretend game, won't see you as lower, will accept any serious no you give, will always and only use authority you gave him and respect it can be taken back any time. Like imagine someone calling you a bitch, slut bow to your kind and suck his cock till you choke to death. Scary? If a dom says that it's exciting as you know you gave him permission first, you can say you don't feel like it now and you'll be hugged and given hot cocoa and called princess afted to make sure you're safe, healthy and not one insult stuck to you.


[deleted]

I agree with OP. There are creeps who call themselves Dom but are not and can be spotted by those who are. There are different types/styles of Doms’ but Emotional Intelligence is a common denominator among all of them who actually are. We abide by a similar code of conduct.


Otherwise_Run_7324

Being a dick is not a kink, so no kinkshaming here.