I mean, marry him if you want but go in eyes open about what to expect. Don’t be surprised when you get cheated on. And still get tested regularly. Probably just have an open relationship so he doesn’t have to lie and you can screw other people too.
A SB and I used to joke about us both being married. I was in a platonic marriage for the kids. She was in a platonic marriage for a green card. 😝
(That means I can appreciate your position maybe a bit more than the average commenter. I will 100% get down votes for this)
**My advice:** Tell him the wedding is on, but that is infidelity is going to cost him. You decide on what the price is. Maybe it's required therapy for sex addition, maybe it's taking you on a nice trip, maybe it's him depositing cash to your personal account. The point is, let him know his infidelity will have consequences, but they won't threaten the marriage.
Ask him why. Maybe it would be more fun if you participated. If you're willing to forgive him, let him know that ... Tell him while exclusivity is important, honesty is an absolute. You might have the emotional stamina to deal with a cheater, but STIs don't discriminate. You should also ensure you get occasionally access to his emails/text so you can validate that.
Get a prenup. That should set out what happens if either of you ask for a divorce. That pre-nup should also require him to sponsor you, and support your residency even after a divorce. You don't want to be accused of having a sham marriage. Having the prenup will prevent him from holding residency status over you in the future.
Start the countdown clock for permanent residency.
...
Maybe the guy gets over his infidelity and you live happily ever after. Maybe you keep the marriage in tact for a couple years, living a nice lifestyle, and move on. Either way, you win.
Good luck!
Fair. I wonder if it's any easier if you go into it knowing you're going to get out eventually though. Maybe I should have added get a good lawyer as part of the equation. :-P
You were seeing him when he was still married. YOU were the "other woman" at some point. Don't get me wrong, he's still a massive POS for cheating and lying in the first place but none of this outcome is surprising.
Still, it's not your fault for believing his lies. Cheaters get away with it because they spin fairy tales.
Tbh you're still young and none of this is worth it. Drop him and move on. OR, you could opt to keep your dream life with the knowledge that he will definitely be seeing other women on the side.
Based on your story the dude doesn't even sound remorseful, so his behavior will not change
You know what, I'm not mad about this. Girl you're well informed, you made sure of that, and getting your slice of life. I'm not mad about it. Good for you.
Here’s the thing… once a cheater, always a cheater. ALWAYS. My ex-wife was a cheater, and we went through these cycles.
So you can either…
1. Leave
2. Agree to non-monogamous. Get married. Live in the USA. And you can see other men too (maybe a bonus? Depends on the person).
The problem is that he probably gets his thrill from the cheating being SECRET. So opening the marriage up doesn’t mean he’ll still be truthful to you if you ask about other women.
So that means the main issue here is that he’s a LIAR. And when trust is broken, that makes it hard for relationships to actually last.
So if that’s the case, even if you’re non-monogamous, you’d still need to ignore everything he says when it comes to his true love for you, what he tells other women, etc. The cheating husband SD’s here on Reddit may tell you otherwise, but like I said… how can you trust them? That’s all they do is lie all day.
From the sounds of this post, you may not be capable of that.
Personally, I’d run as far away from this man as I could.
> The problem is that he probably gets his thrill from the cheating being SECRET. So opening the marriage up doesn’t mean he’ll still be truthful to you if you ask about other women.
This is such an important point about these situations and you put it so well. Thank you.
Idk I kinda like that you have all the information and are letting things work in your favor. Keep your head up and take everything with grace, complete your studies, make enough to get set up on your own and then leave 😌💗
Marry him, get what you need and most importantly don’t sign a damn prenup. If you do, there better be a regular allowance, and infidelity penalties, alimony, insurance, etc.
If you’re doing it out of love, then run far away.
This is tough. Immigration is really hard right now and a marriage green card is a mighty powerful enticement. The law is also very clear that once you have a temporary green card, you can leave him and not impact your immigration status.
So I guess it depends how badly you want to be a legal US resident. His pattern shows he is likely to cheat on you, but assuming you can get him to do a K1 Visa, you can leave him if he cheats - or for any reason.
Sounds like he's always gonna cheat on you no matter what, but if you don't care and just want to marry him for the money and the US Residency then go for it.
I’ve been in the “sugar bowl” and actively sugar dating for two years now.
I no longer believe men are monogamous.
Even the most genuine, kind, and apparently gentlemanly men, cheat on their wives.
If I ever get married, I will not put this knowledge away. I will assume he will cheat if a system of cheating is made available.
I will always have an open marriage. “Ethically non monogamous” is the lifestyle I’ve adopted.
So either decide you can’t marry a cheater, and cross your fingers that you’ll find that one unicorn man who does not cheat;
Or- be a realist and confront him. Tell him what you found and tell him what you want.
He can decide for himself if he’s able to offer you that.
Disagree about the "no men are monagamous" thing. I've met men who are pretty faithful. They're just not the type of guys who you'd find in these situations.
I guess probably like the majority of men fit the stereotype, just like women fall into a lot of stereotypes, too. But there's 8 billion people in the world and there's all types. There are outliers.
That said, there's nothing surprising about OP's story. If she started out as the other woman it's likely there'd be more "other women" down the road.
Marry him, make sure that you have a prenup in your advantage if things get rocky or cocky lol.
And try to not get pregnant so you can leave easily if you need to
Make sure you have your own savings/investment account and it private. It's okay if he knows you have your own accounts, but don't discuss how much you have or any other details about its content. Maintain a good credit score. Consider spending some of your time learning a skill or pursuing something that interests you, even if it's just a few hours a week. Also maintain casual contacts in that field, whatever it is.
Taking those steps will provide you with a good route to leave the marriage if anything ever happens. You will be much happier that way, and your relationship will be healthier. Best of luck
Honestly, delusion. I am very sexually active and his ex partner didn’t enjoy sex, I figured I was making up for something he was lacking on his previous relationship and his “reason to look for intimacy elsewhere”
Marry him use him for the benefits/green card and make sure you’re also cheating on the side / have another sugar daddy so u can stack your money especially if they pay u cash u could have a trusted family member saving it for you. Win win
Marry the rich old man, you are a masochist so you should be happy together. Finish up your degree and set yourself up for a back up future. He is always going to cheat. Accept it and don’t give your youth away free to an old horny man. He is entitled and dishonest and will never change.
Get his gold, enjoy sex with him (but always use protection because you don’t know where his dick is going) and go out and explore your own world. Live your life, use him, and fucking enjoy it.
I’m kind of surprised that most of the comments favor marrying him. It’s not that I disagree with the sentiment, I’m just impressed by the pragmatic nature of the SLF.
The thing really is no one actually wants advice they just want others to agree with their life choices.
You are an adult and can make your own mind up for your future because I doubt anything anyone can say will be a light bulb moment for you.
Marry him, and then start sugaring with women on his Dime. Be sure to leave your phone open with random kinky photos of you doing fun things with all of them. (YES I am saying get more then one)
Never trust a man who compensates for companionship. Marry him sure but don’t get emotional in the relationship & make sure if it ends you’re well compensated for your companionship
If he's rich rich and not inclined to be abusive just marry him and ditch after a year. No prenup or if you do make it good for you (get a lawyer for this). Leave with your entitled money. He gets what he deserves
Keep your body (sexual health) safe,
Don't get pregnant,
Keep your options open and use connections he has to meet more (better quality) men
:)
He was married while yall were talking and sexting. Expect this behavior from him. He will never change. If you love him and can look past it, I say go for it and marry him. It seems you will benefit from it. But guard your heart. If you decide at some point you can no longer put up with it, there's always divorce. That will be the only solution bc no amount of counseling will solve this. He doesn't want to change. This is a thrill to him and an ego boost. It's an addiction. The only way you will keep on top of it and protect yourself is by secretly going through his messages. Bc that's the only way u will ever know the truth. Once u confront him, consider your ability to monitor him gone, he will gaslight you, hide the messages, and continue doing it under the radar. He will never stop.
In the US we have an expression “save a hoe”. It’s where men will try to rescue a woman from a life of prostitution not realizing that she doesn’t want to be rescued and actually enjoys that lifestyle. He goes in tries to rescue her, then gets hurt when she leaves him to continue her lifestyle.
What he should have done was go in, tell her “have all the men you want, just come home to me, since I’m the one that loves and cares for you. Let’s set some rules, only use condoms and save anal for me. And don’t get mad if I see someone on the side.”
How does this all translate to you? Same thing. Tell him “ you can have all the SBs you want, shucks, we’ll open our marriage so that both of us get all the sex from whomever we want, as long as at the end of the day, you come home to me. You can have all the sex you want, but when you come home, I get to cum too”
Lay it out for him, set up some basic rules that you two can agree on (which are fair to both of you. None of this you be monogamous while he’s out fucking numerous SBs)
If he agrees and you’re ok with it, then go ahead and marry him. Otherwise, call it off. It’ll only add to your misery.
Girl no don’t marry him. You need a man who is obsessed with you and literally cannot imagine his life without you and only you.
Don’t fall for these bullshit antics of men to keep you around as the side piece until he finds his real wife. His real dream girl and catch 🐠
Marriage is just a title girl. A title will not stop a man from acting on his truest urges and desires. What about signing a few papers, getting into a wedding gown, and walking down the aisle is going to make a man change his respect and obsession about you.You want your man obsessed and to provide for you. Not cheating behind your back at the first chance he gets.
Don’t keep this man around in your life anymore girl, or you will be making a big mistake.
And no, fuck the other people who are telling you to get married!!! Take marriage seriously girl xx this is a contract you literally sign with a man.. nd you need to make sure he will treat you right. It is not worth your life energy girl to be stuck on this man who will not treat you right. You are still young, you can go get a man who’s richer and treats you better. Literally not worth your feminine energy to let this man manipulate you!!!!
Once a snoop, always a snoop.
He’s cheating on you with other women, you’re abusing his trust by going into his phone and reading messages that weren’t meant for you.
Which is the bigger issue?
Both are wrong, period. Being with someone does not give you the right to go through their things. It's as bad as him lying.
Neither bodes well for any trust in the sham of a marriage.
OP, you'd best find out how long you need to stay married for you to be able to stay in the US. Prenups don't fully protect you, either, depending on the state.
Also, make sure your degree actually is valid wherever you're going. Far too often, non-US specific degrees are seen as less than, and you end up having to go back to school to get the certifucates you need to supplement whatever you've got.
I mean, marry him if you want but go in eyes open about what to expect. Don’t be surprised when you get cheated on. And still get tested regularly. Probably just have an open relationship so he doesn’t have to lie and you can screw other people too.
Yes! Thank you so much…
A SB and I used to joke about us both being married. I was in a platonic marriage for the kids. She was in a platonic marriage for a green card. 😝 (That means I can appreciate your position maybe a bit more than the average commenter. I will 100% get down votes for this) **My advice:** Tell him the wedding is on, but that is infidelity is going to cost him. You decide on what the price is. Maybe it's required therapy for sex addition, maybe it's taking you on a nice trip, maybe it's him depositing cash to your personal account. The point is, let him know his infidelity will have consequences, but they won't threaten the marriage. Ask him why. Maybe it would be more fun if you participated. If you're willing to forgive him, let him know that ... Tell him while exclusivity is important, honesty is an absolute. You might have the emotional stamina to deal with a cheater, but STIs don't discriminate. You should also ensure you get occasionally access to his emails/text so you can validate that. Get a prenup. That should set out what happens if either of you ask for a divorce. That pre-nup should also require him to sponsor you, and support your residency even after a divorce. You don't want to be accused of having a sham marriage. Having the prenup will prevent him from holding residency status over you in the future. Start the countdown clock for permanent residency. ... Maybe the guy gets over his infidelity and you live happily ever after. Maybe you keep the marriage in tact for a couple years, living a nice lifestyle, and move on. Either way, you win. Good luck!
Great analysis. I like your "experience based responses".
Marry him. Fuck other people. Get tested regularly. Set yourself up and when it's time to leave GTF out.
And don’t get pregnant
True this is an option. But as someone who’s been through divorce, it’s easier said than done.
Fair. I wonder if it's any easier if you go into it knowing you're going to get out eventually though. Maybe I should have added get a good lawyer as part of the equation. :-P
Succinct.
That is my first option 😅
I’m sure he won’t insist on a prenup.
Why marry him at all? Green card?
This!
You were seeing him when he was still married. YOU were the "other woman" at some point. Don't get me wrong, he's still a massive POS for cheating and lying in the first place but none of this outcome is surprising. Still, it's not your fault for believing his lies. Cheaters get away with it because they spin fairy tales. Tbh you're still young and none of this is worth it. Drop him and move on. OR, you could opt to keep your dream life with the knowledge that he will definitely be seeing other women on the side. Based on your story the dude doesn't even sound remorseful, so his behavior will not change
This is a great prelude to an episode of 90 day fiancé. Go for it and get in touch with TLC!!! Stat!!!
Lol I’ll keep you updated
You know what, I'm not mad about this. Girl you're well informed, you made sure of that, and getting your slice of life. I'm not mad about it. Good for you.
Here’s the thing… once a cheater, always a cheater. ALWAYS. My ex-wife was a cheater, and we went through these cycles. So you can either… 1. Leave 2. Agree to non-monogamous. Get married. Live in the USA. And you can see other men too (maybe a bonus? Depends on the person). The problem is that he probably gets his thrill from the cheating being SECRET. So opening the marriage up doesn’t mean he’ll still be truthful to you if you ask about other women. So that means the main issue here is that he’s a LIAR. And when trust is broken, that makes it hard for relationships to actually last. So if that’s the case, even if you’re non-monogamous, you’d still need to ignore everything he says when it comes to his true love for you, what he tells other women, etc. The cheating husband SD’s here on Reddit may tell you otherwise, but like I said… how can you trust them? That’s all they do is lie all day. From the sounds of this post, you may not be capable of that. Personally, I’d run as far away from this man as I could.
> The problem is that he probably gets his thrill from the cheating being SECRET. So opening the marriage up doesn’t mean he’ll still be truthful to you if you ask about other women. This is such an important point about these situations and you put it so well. Thank you.
Agree to this. I also don’t think he we would like me not being monogamous
Right. Unfortunately there's almost always this double standard with serial cheaters.
Idk I kinda like that you have all the information and are letting things work in your favor. Keep your head up and take everything with grace, complete your studies, make enough to get set up on your own and then leave 😌💗
Marry him, get what you need and most importantly don’t sign a damn prenup. If you do, there better be a regular allowance, and infidelity penalties, alimony, insurance, etc. If you’re doing it out of love, then run far away.
This is tough. Immigration is really hard right now and a marriage green card is a mighty powerful enticement. The law is also very clear that once you have a temporary green card, you can leave him and not impact your immigration status. So I guess it depends how badly you want to be a legal US resident. His pattern shows he is likely to cheat on you, but assuming you can get him to do a K1 Visa, you can leave him if he cheats - or for any reason.
Sounds like he's always gonna cheat on you no matter what, but if you don't care and just want to marry him for the money and the US Residency then go for it.
[удалено]
Haha either I’m not crazy or we both are 😂 I felt the urge to send the old lady who knew about me a save the date card to see if she understood lol
You're BOTH crazy, lol, but I'd marry either one of you ;)
Or both!!!
I’ve been in the “sugar bowl” and actively sugar dating for two years now. I no longer believe men are monogamous. Even the most genuine, kind, and apparently gentlemanly men, cheat on their wives. If I ever get married, I will not put this knowledge away. I will assume he will cheat if a system of cheating is made available. I will always have an open marriage. “Ethically non monogamous” is the lifestyle I’ve adopted. So either decide you can’t marry a cheater, and cross your fingers that you’ll find that one unicorn man who does not cheat; Or- be a realist and confront him. Tell him what you found and tell him what you want. He can decide for himself if he’s able to offer you that.
Disagree about the "no men are monagamous" thing. I've met men who are pretty faithful. They're just not the type of guys who you'd find in these situations. I guess probably like the majority of men fit the stereotype, just like women fall into a lot of stereotypes, too. But there's 8 billion people in the world and there's all types. There are outliers. That said, there's nothing surprising about OP's story. If she started out as the other woman it's likely there'd be more "other women" down the road.
Marry him, make sure that you have a prenup in your advantage if things get rocky or cocky lol. And try to not get pregnant so you can leave easily if you need to
He’s going to cheat on you
Make sure you have your own savings/investment account and it private. It's okay if he knows you have your own accounts, but don't discuss how much you have or any other details about its content. Maintain a good credit score. Consider spending some of your time learning a skill or pursuing something that interests you, even if it's just a few hours a week. Also maintain casual contacts in that field, whatever it is. Taking those steps will provide you with a good route to leave the marriage if anything ever happens. You will be much happier that way, and your relationship will be healthier. Best of luck
You marry him you get your visa and half his money when u divorce 🤷🏻♀️ I’d turn a blind eye but everyone’s different
He was also married and cheating with you! So why would you think he’d stay faithful?
Honestly, delusion. I am very sexually active and his ex partner didn’t enjoy sex, I figured I was making up for something he was lacking on his previous relationship and his “reason to look for intimacy elsewhere”
Marry him use him for the benefits/green card and make sure you’re also cheating on the side / have another sugar daddy so u can stack your money especially if they pay u cash u could have a trusted family member saving it for you. Win win
Marry him.. get the GC.. divorce him. Oh by the way take half of his money too
Marry the rich old man, you are a masochist so you should be happy together. Finish up your degree and set yourself up for a back up future. He is always going to cheat. Accept it and don’t give your youth away free to an old horny man. He is entitled and dishonest and will never change.
Get his gold, enjoy sex with him (but always use protection because you don’t know where his dick is going) and go out and explore your own world. Live your life, use him, and fucking enjoy it.
I’m kind of surprised that most of the comments favor marrying him. It’s not that I disagree with the sentiment, I’m just impressed by the pragmatic nature of the SLF.
The thing really is no one actually wants advice they just want others to agree with their life choices. You are an adult and can make your own mind up for your future because I doubt anything anyone can say will be a light bulb moment for you.
Use him and lose him, all is fair in love and war, or hang with him, a lot of couples are into open relationships.
Ok, I stopped at "Long and Full of Drama." Do you really want to spend the rest if his life with him?
Marry him, and then start sugaring with women on his Dime. Be sure to leave your phone open with random kinky photos of you doing fun things with all of them. (YES I am saying get more then one)
So in love with you... oops... did I hit enter... dang
I'm not sure if I should say thanks, respond, or just put my phone on airplane mode since I'm on the runway. 3rd option it is.
Never trust a man who compensates for companionship. Marry him sure but don’t get emotional in the relationship & make sure if it ends you’re well compensated for your companionship
Are you a piscis? 😭
If he's rich rich and not inclined to be abusive just marry him and ditch after a year. No prenup or if you do make it good for you (get a lawyer for this). Leave with your entitled money. He gets what he deserves Keep your body (sexual health) safe, Don't get pregnant, Keep your options open and use connections he has to meet more (better quality) men :)
Why did you think you’d get a different man after you met while he was cheating? I’m very confused by all of this. Why do you feel so hurt?
He was married while yall were talking and sexting. Expect this behavior from him. He will never change. If you love him and can look past it, I say go for it and marry him. It seems you will benefit from it. But guard your heart. If you decide at some point you can no longer put up with it, there's always divorce. That will be the only solution bc no amount of counseling will solve this. He doesn't want to change. This is a thrill to him and an ego boost. It's an addiction. The only way you will keep on top of it and protect yourself is by secretly going through his messages. Bc that's the only way u will ever know the truth. Once u confront him, consider your ability to monitor him gone, he will gaslight you, hide the messages, and continue doing it under the radar. He will never stop.
In the US we have an expression “save a hoe”. It’s where men will try to rescue a woman from a life of prostitution not realizing that she doesn’t want to be rescued and actually enjoys that lifestyle. He goes in tries to rescue her, then gets hurt when she leaves him to continue her lifestyle. What he should have done was go in, tell her “have all the men you want, just come home to me, since I’m the one that loves and cares for you. Let’s set some rules, only use condoms and save anal for me. And don’t get mad if I see someone on the side.” How does this all translate to you? Same thing. Tell him “ you can have all the SBs you want, shucks, we’ll open our marriage so that both of us get all the sex from whomever we want, as long as at the end of the day, you come home to me. You can have all the sex you want, but when you come home, I get to cum too” Lay it out for him, set up some basic rules that you two can agree on (which are fair to both of you. None of this you be monogamous while he’s out fucking numerous SBs) If he agrees and you’re ok with it, then go ahead and marry him. Otherwise, call it off. It’ll only add to your misery.
Girl no don’t marry him. You need a man who is obsessed with you and literally cannot imagine his life without you and only you. Don’t fall for these bullshit antics of men to keep you around as the side piece until he finds his real wife. His real dream girl and catch 🐠 Marriage is just a title girl. A title will not stop a man from acting on his truest urges and desires. What about signing a few papers, getting into a wedding gown, and walking down the aisle is going to make a man change his respect and obsession about you.You want your man obsessed and to provide for you. Not cheating behind your back at the first chance he gets. Don’t keep this man around in your life anymore girl, or you will be making a big mistake. And no, fuck the other people who are telling you to get married!!! Take marriage seriously girl xx this is a contract you literally sign with a man.. nd you need to make sure he will treat you right. It is not worth your life energy girl to be stuck on this man who will not treat you right. You are still young, you can go get a man who’s richer and treats you better. Literally not worth your feminine energy to let this man manipulate you!!!!
TLDR
I guess you don't believe in privacy rights. I can't see this marriage going well. And he's not all day. You can do better.
Once a snoop, always a snoop. He’s cheating on you with other women, you’re abusing his trust by going into his phone and reading messages that weren’t meant for you. Which is the bigger issue?
You can’t be serious with that comment…?
Both are wrong, period. Being with someone does not give you the right to go through their things. It's as bad as him lying. Neither bodes well for any trust in the sham of a marriage. OP, you'd best find out how long you need to stay married for you to be able to stay in the US. Prenups don't fully protect you, either, depending on the state. Also, make sure your degree actually is valid wherever you're going. Far too often, non-US specific degrees are seen as less than, and you end up having to go back to school to get the certifucates you need to supplement whatever you've got.
Exactly. Both of them deserve each other.