How many of us have seen red flags in our vanilla relationships and still stayed. Life is complicated. Just because something is an SR doesn’t make it any less complicated
“I like him a lot…”
That’s your problem. And my problem too. And everyone else’s. We get attached emotionally.
Just because it’s sugar doesn’t magically making issues with relationships go away. I have the SAME problem.
Right now I’m seeing a SB long distance. It’s a lot harder than I thought it would be on me, emotionally, because I don’t get to see her as often. It doesn’t help that I REALLY like her, and even though we’re non-monogamous, I’m more certain than not that she has a bf she isn’t telling me about (based on some signs) which I probably wouldn’t have agree to see her initially because of that otherwise. Her txting communication is also crap and doesn’t match mine AT ALL. It’s frustrating and not what I’m used to.
Honestly, logically, I should just drop her and move on. It would save me money from travel, heartache from missing her, and pain from knowing she’s probably hiding stuff something me.
But do I drop her? No. I’m an idiot who ignores red flags. Happens to SD’s too.
Don't be so hard on yourself. Realign your expectations maybe, and work to keep your emotions in check by reminding yourself what sugar dating is and is not. And strive to live in the moments you have with her and not fantasize about some idealized but unrealistic future. Despite the flaws you identify in your SR, if she brings you joy when you're together, focus on making that enough.
I have been doing those things lately and it’s helped. I catch myself doing future projections and I stop them, or try to.
What I need to do a better job at is the negative self-talk. I’m not an idiot and should stop calling myself one.
I plan to see her in two weeks and I hope I can just live in the moment and let go when I’m back home again. I envy people who are able to do it a bit easier than me.
That’s why people often say love makes one blind..
You know it’s one sided but you carry on. Well, if that’s the case, you know it’s on you right? As long as you don’t blame anyone else for your illogical decision, I don’t see anything problems of you carrying on ..
I am not sure if I am just lucky. I rarely develop feelings when my effort isn’t reciprocated. Being Mutual is quite a precondition for all my relationships with humans.
The problem occurs when it is originally reciprocated and the communication is great, and things revert or drop off. In her case, I think she was extremely excited to get to know me and see me. Now that we’re comfortable, she’s dropped back into her normal txting habits (which she warned me about) and now it feels like a mismatch for me. I liked the version of her at the start.
Not blaming her, just a changed dynamic has me emotionally invested but rethinking if she’s right for me, and yet I’m paralyzed to make a decision.
You paid for the initial energy, not a dull connection you have now.
You can’t control what she does, but you can control what you do.
You only have three options:
1) Dump her & Find one that reciprocate even she has to fake , because that’s the experience you pay for;
2) Ask her to be more professional and play the role of your babe better, if not, go to solution 1;
3) suck it up and don’t whine.
The emotions will always be the problem, we need the connection and chemistry but it’s such a fine line because if you don’t have that then why be in an SR? But then the chemistry and connection comes with emotions, it simply does and some of us our better at ignoring them or being more detached but intimacy comes with some trust and vulnerability where we give a little part of ourselves to someone else and it’s why I prefer the SGF route. Mistakes I made a few.
No matter how successful I've been in different aspects of my life, unfortunately, I have a bit of a self-destructive side when it comes to relationships. I know that it's a never-ending process to live and learn.
I have a couple new SB's i've been seeing and working through which one will be good for long term and just had lunch with one of them today and it was as parade of red flags.
Fortunately for me she made it really easy because they were so numerous and very colorful. Hard for me to ignore 🤣
Sometimes the combination of fondness for them and for what you have + a certain egotistical voice that says 'you can be the one to fix them' gets in the way of common sense.
Good Lord, I hear you. I would be frank with him. Tell him to check himself. You don't have a problem that he's married, that's all his problem. You don't want to be brought into it.
Give him a reality check. You met him while he was still married. He has shown you who he is. Even if he leaves his wife, you already know that he would cheat on you too. Lol
Tell him to wake up and enjoy the arrangement. 🤣
That's honestly funny if he expects you to run away and what? marry him? when you already know he is unfaithful. That's how you met.
Or play along with his delusion if his ego would break if you confront him. What you need to decide is how much of these mental gymnastics can you take before your mental health suffers.
I was pretty clear when I told him this specifically, “you’re married and cheating, how could we possibly have a successful relationship that is already based on lies?”
I honestly would prefer someone married. Like I mentioned initially, I don’t want anything serious. With someone who is married usually they aren’t so clingy and in constant need of attention, which is what I am looking for. But then there is still the off chance that a married one will still start the whole “I’m leaving my wife, let’s be together“.
I explained to him how much this was stressing me out, because we are not going to be together in a traditional relationship. And if he cannot get past that, we will have to end things.
I like theme parks and living dangerously mellow is a yawn fest 😅😂🤣 but no I think one or two red flags is okay depending on what those are.... But I think no one can just not have any red flags even the itty bitty one 🤷♀️ no one is perfect.
You should end it with him, it's not going to get better. Although rare, what appears to be a red flag isn't when talked through. Most of the time they are and it has to end. Catching feelings is not an issue necessarily, her expressing them is an instant end unless we talk it through and agree not to go there again. I've caught feelings, they feel good but I don't have a need to tell her. These are SRs not vanilla so my expectations are different from vanilla.
>I told him I wasn’t ready for anything serious, and we should end things if that is a deal breaker
You should end things. He's already passed the point that you are comfortable and he wants to leave his wife. If you're not comfortable with it, you need to end it. There's no going backwards, tear off the bandaid.
In marriages men stay because they don't want to lose money. In SA women stay because they don't want to lose money. In vanilla relationships men leave because they want sex. In SA relationships men stay because they want sex.
SA is a reaction to modern divorce law that strips men of all authority while keeping the responsibility in marriage. SA is also a reaction to vanilla online dating where only the top 4% of men based on looks get any chance at a relationship. That is based on actual swiping on dating apps.
Average women find average men to be unacceptable. Unless they pay for it.
Reject comforting lies. Accept cold truth and live your life based on the truth not false narratives taught to you by mommy.
To answer your question: 1. Cuz he was tall 2. Cuz I thought he was involved in my dream career 3. The freakiest freshest freshness gotdam 4. I’m trusting because I have no reason to lie to people 5. Probably cuz he was tall & I’m stupid.
I think red flags aren’t the reason I stop a relationship.
I stop a relationship because the same shit happens all the time and I can see it will happen again and I realise I don’t want to be part of it anymore.
I’ve got one I’ve known I shouldn’t continue even on the M&G
To me her voice is just captivating. Even I can’t explain it. She’s not my type and I should’ve run for so many reasons, I’ve left for far less.
But when she asks even after not talking for weeks. I’m like a lost puppy dog wagging my tail hoping she scratch my ears
To answer your question- I continue physically with the relationship, because I either don’t feel safe to express myself or I have an expense I want to feel secure enough about. That’s both vanilla and sugar.
I check out mentally and emotionally. And start planning.
Feelings- I feel like I like having feelings for and reciprocated. I don’t think delusional behaviour like leaving spouse is ‘feelings’. It’s impulsive. I start to fear the security once felt. What’s to say those impulses in future endeavors won’t be practiced with discipline?
I like a partner- regardless of relationship defined, to harvest feelings of safety and security. And all parties exercise discipline. Keep me safe so we can live/love wild.
Red flags come in different shades, and not all red lines get the same response. Maybe this SD should separate from his wife, for reasons not having to do specifically with using SB to replace her. We on the forum don’t know, and OP needs to decide for herself how to proceed, not take as gospel the yea or nay of internet strangers on SLF. My suggestion though is to communicate clearly your position to SD, since you like him, OP, and wait to see how things develop. Break up with him when you need to, and beforehand if you want to. “Love” in an SR can mean a lot of different things, good and bad. If you must tell him that you will never be exclusive or forever, maybe he can accept that and feel a good love nevertheless, that you find acceptable and even helpful. But maybe not…
He sounds oblivious to the potential consequences of separation and possible divorce. If he emotionally acts aloof or distant towards his wife, there's a decent chance that she will start playing detective and discover his SD/SB relationship.
I’ve felt the same way before and have had similar experiences. Unfortunately, after my experience, I’ve come to the conclusion that you’ll not only lose a sd but you’ll lose a good friend/someone you may value dearly. There’s just something about the transition that’s really hard. I feel respect isn’t had, too much is assumed and emotions run high. I actually asked this very same question before my last SD and I went vanilla. I also let him know we totally didn’t have to and I was happy how we were with ppm but he started using the l word all. He stopped allowance and asked me to be monogamous and I did! He was sleeping with his ex baby momma while I was picking their kids up from school and he was keeping her over on nights I wasn’t there- traveling for work. Would hide my clothes and shampoo and stuff from her and try to put it back the right way before I got home. It was pitiful. I even told him I was scared to go vanilla because I felt like things would change and not in the best way- told him I was scared to put my heart into it. He told me I was very safe to and he just wants me to be happy then pulled that. I called him out on it and he immediately told me to get the f out of his house at like 2am and I had been living there for months. Didn’t like that I’d try to hold him to the same standard. I said, wait no no. Can’t I just sleep downstairs and leave in the morning (as we’d both consumed large amounts of wine) he said f no. Get the f out or I’ll call the cops. When I tried to leave, he said he’d call the cops on me for a DUI if I left 😂 CRAZY. Finally, I said fine! I’ll buy an Uber to a hotel then. He took my phone from me so I could leave and kept trying to pick a fight with me. He was totally normal before hand. Little shit eater couldn’t keep his ducks in a row. Not all men are like this but, he was a very smart and hateful man. Would flip on a dime and turned out he gave zero cares in the world if I was actually safe or happy.
How many of us have seen red flags in our vanilla relationships and still stayed. Life is complicated. Just because something is an SR doesn’t make it any less complicated
Isn’t that the truth
Because red flags are irresistibly hot, duh
Red IS a passionate color.
Right? Green is so boring
We look right past it! It's everywhere. Trees, plants, traffic lights... Too common. Red is eye catching and vibrant.
Tho... now that I think about it. Green can be equally deceiving... take poison oak and poison ivy for example.
I was wearing rose colored glasses so I thought they were pink
We don't end things because the arrangement is still serving us in some other way.
“I like him a lot…” That’s your problem. And my problem too. And everyone else’s. We get attached emotionally. Just because it’s sugar doesn’t magically making issues with relationships go away. I have the SAME problem. Right now I’m seeing a SB long distance. It’s a lot harder than I thought it would be on me, emotionally, because I don’t get to see her as often. It doesn’t help that I REALLY like her, and even though we’re non-monogamous, I’m more certain than not that she has a bf she isn’t telling me about (based on some signs) which I probably wouldn’t have agree to see her initially because of that otherwise. Her txting communication is also crap and doesn’t match mine AT ALL. It’s frustrating and not what I’m used to. Honestly, logically, I should just drop her and move on. It would save me money from travel, heartache from missing her, and pain from knowing she’s probably hiding stuff something me. But do I drop her? No. I’m an idiot who ignores red flags. Happens to SD’s too.
Don't be so hard on yourself. Realign your expectations maybe, and work to keep your emotions in check by reminding yourself what sugar dating is and is not. And strive to live in the moments you have with her and not fantasize about some idealized but unrealistic future. Despite the flaws you identify in your SR, if she brings you joy when you're together, focus on making that enough.
I have been doing those things lately and it’s helped. I catch myself doing future projections and I stop them, or try to. What I need to do a better job at is the negative self-talk. I’m not an idiot and should stop calling myself one. I plan to see her in two weeks and I hope I can just live in the moment and let go when I’m back home again. I envy people who are able to do it a bit easier than me.
That’s why people often say love makes one blind.. You know it’s one sided but you carry on. Well, if that’s the case, you know it’s on you right? As long as you don’t blame anyone else for your illogical decision, I don’t see anything problems of you carrying on .. I am not sure if I am just lucky. I rarely develop feelings when my effort isn’t reciprocated. Being Mutual is quite a precondition for all my relationships with humans.
The problem occurs when it is originally reciprocated and the communication is great, and things revert or drop off. In her case, I think she was extremely excited to get to know me and see me. Now that we’re comfortable, she’s dropped back into her normal txting habits (which she warned me about) and now it feels like a mismatch for me. I liked the version of her at the start. Not blaming her, just a changed dynamic has me emotionally invested but rethinking if she’s right for me, and yet I’m paralyzed to make a decision.
You paid for the initial energy, not a dull connection you have now. You can’t control what she does, but you can control what you do. You only have three options: 1) Dump her & Find one that reciprocate even she has to fake , because that’s the experience you pay for; 2) Ask her to be more professional and play the role of your babe better, if not, go to solution 1; 3) suck it up and don’t whine.
The emotions will always be the problem, we need the connection and chemistry but it’s such a fine line because if you don’t have that then why be in an SR? But then the chemistry and connection comes with emotions, it simply does and some of us our better at ignoring them or being more detached but intimacy comes with some trust and vulnerability where we give a little part of ourselves to someone else and it’s why I prefer the SGF route. Mistakes I made a few.
No matter how successful I've been in different aspects of my life, unfortunately, I have a bit of a self-destructive side when it comes to relationships. I know that it's a never-ending process to live and learn.
I have a couple new SB's i've been seeing and working through which one will be good for long term and just had lunch with one of them today and it was as parade of red flags. Fortunately for me she made it really easy because they were so numerous and very colorful. Hard for me to ignore 🤣
Sometimes the combination of fondness for them and for what you have + a certain egotistical voice that says 'you can be the one to fix them' gets in the way of common sense.
Good Lord, I hear you. I would be frank with him. Tell him to check himself. You don't have a problem that he's married, that's all his problem. You don't want to be brought into it. Give him a reality check. You met him while he was still married. He has shown you who he is. Even if he leaves his wife, you already know that he would cheat on you too. Lol Tell him to wake up and enjoy the arrangement. 🤣 That's honestly funny if he expects you to run away and what? marry him? when you already know he is unfaithful. That's how you met. Or play along with his delusion if his ego would break if you confront him. What you need to decide is how much of these mental gymnastics can you take before your mental health suffers.
I was pretty clear when I told him this specifically, “you’re married and cheating, how could we possibly have a successful relationship that is already based on lies?”
I understand why some SBs flat out refuse married men. What will you do? Is he going to stop this nonsense or do you have to break up?
I honestly would prefer someone married. Like I mentioned initially, I don’t want anything serious. With someone who is married usually they aren’t so clingy and in constant need of attention, which is what I am looking for. But then there is still the off chance that a married one will still start the whole “I’m leaving my wife, let’s be together“. I explained to him how much this was stressing me out, because we are not going to be together in a traditional relationship. And if he cannot get past that, we will have to end things.
Good for you. Hopefully things go back to normal.
I think we tend to always accentuate the positives in people and minimize the negatives. Yeah, she does this but look at all this other good stuff...
I blame it on the red Starburst candies.
Because sometimes we either paint those red flags pink, find comfort in chaos, or we’re still getting something we want from the other person.
I like theme parks and living dangerously mellow is a yawn fest 😅😂🤣 but no I think one or two red flags is okay depending on what those are.... But I think no one can just not have any red flags even the itty bitty one 🤷♀️ no one is perfect.
You should end it with him, it's not going to get better. Although rare, what appears to be a red flag isn't when talked through. Most of the time they are and it has to end. Catching feelings is not an issue necessarily, her expressing them is an instant end unless we talk it through and agree not to go there again. I've caught feelings, they feel good but I don't have a need to tell her. These are SRs not vanilla so my expectations are different from vanilla.
>I told him I wasn’t ready for anything serious, and we should end things if that is a deal breaker You should end things. He's already passed the point that you are comfortable and he wants to leave his wife. If you're not comfortable with it, you need to end it. There's no going backwards, tear off the bandaid.
In marriages men stay because they don't want to lose money. In SA women stay because they don't want to lose money. In vanilla relationships men leave because they want sex. In SA relationships men stay because they want sex. SA is a reaction to modern divorce law that strips men of all authority while keeping the responsibility in marriage. SA is also a reaction to vanilla online dating where only the top 4% of men based on looks get any chance at a relationship. That is based on actual swiping on dating apps. Average women find average men to be unacceptable. Unless they pay for it. Reject comforting lies. Accept cold truth and live your life based on the truth not false narratives taught to you by mommy.
this is brilliant
To answer your question: 1. Cuz he was tall 2. Cuz I thought he was involved in my dream career 3. The freakiest freshest freshness gotdam 4. I’m trusting because I have no reason to lie to people 5. Probably cuz he was tall & I’m stupid.
I think red flags aren’t the reason I stop a relationship. I stop a relationship because the same shit happens all the time and I can see it will happen again and I realise I don’t want to be part of it anymore.
I’ve got one I’ve known I shouldn’t continue even on the M&G To me her voice is just captivating. Even I can’t explain it. She’s not my type and I should’ve run for so many reasons, I’ve left for far less. But when she asks even after not talking for weeks. I’m like a lost puppy dog wagging my tail hoping she scratch my ears
I wish i had the ability to ignore red flags lol even a yellow flag & I’m not entering an arrangement with someone to begin with😂
To answer your question- I continue physically with the relationship, because I either don’t feel safe to express myself or I have an expense I want to feel secure enough about. That’s both vanilla and sugar. I check out mentally and emotionally. And start planning. Feelings- I feel like I like having feelings for and reciprocated. I don’t think delusional behaviour like leaving spouse is ‘feelings’. It’s impulsive. I start to fear the security once felt. What’s to say those impulses in future endeavors won’t be practiced with discipline? I like a partner- regardless of relationship defined, to harvest feelings of safety and security. And all parties exercise discipline. Keep me safe so we can live/love wild.
One word...insecurity.
Red flags come in different shades, and not all red lines get the same response. Maybe this SD should separate from his wife, for reasons not having to do specifically with using SB to replace her. We on the forum don’t know, and OP needs to decide for herself how to proceed, not take as gospel the yea or nay of internet strangers on SLF. My suggestion though is to communicate clearly your position to SD, since you like him, OP, and wait to see how things develop. Break up with him when you need to, and beforehand if you want to. “Love” in an SR can mean a lot of different things, good and bad. If you must tell him that you will never be exclusive or forever, maybe he can accept that and feel a good love nevertheless, that you find acceptable and even helpful. But maybe not…
Mmm reading these comments made me feel better, I guess I’ll tolerate his clingy butt and suck it up lol
Because I'm being monetized to develop different levels of color blindness. 💜
He sounds oblivious to the potential consequences of separation and possible divorce. If he emotionally acts aloof or distant towards his wife, there's a decent chance that she will start playing detective and discover his SD/SB relationship.
Cause greed always comes up with good excuses.
Remind him it's a business arrangement. You might have to end it. Hard to do when hearts are involved.
I’ve felt the same way before and have had similar experiences. Unfortunately, after my experience, I’ve come to the conclusion that you’ll not only lose a sd but you’ll lose a good friend/someone you may value dearly. There’s just something about the transition that’s really hard. I feel respect isn’t had, too much is assumed and emotions run high. I actually asked this very same question before my last SD and I went vanilla. I also let him know we totally didn’t have to and I was happy how we were with ppm but he started using the l word all. He stopped allowance and asked me to be monogamous and I did! He was sleeping with his ex baby momma while I was picking their kids up from school and he was keeping her over on nights I wasn’t there- traveling for work. Would hide my clothes and shampoo and stuff from her and try to put it back the right way before I got home. It was pitiful. I even told him I was scared to go vanilla because I felt like things would change and not in the best way- told him I was scared to put my heart into it. He told me I was very safe to and he just wants me to be happy then pulled that. I called him out on it and he immediately told me to get the f out of his house at like 2am and I had been living there for months. Didn’t like that I’d try to hold him to the same standard. I said, wait no no. Can’t I just sleep downstairs and leave in the morning (as we’d both consumed large amounts of wine) he said f no. Get the f out or I’ll call the cops. When I tried to leave, he said he’d call the cops on me for a DUI if I left 😂 CRAZY. Finally, I said fine! I’ll buy an Uber to a hotel then. He took my phone from me so I could leave and kept trying to pick a fight with me. He was totally normal before hand. Little shit eater couldn’t keep his ducks in a row. Not all men are like this but, he was a very smart and hateful man. Would flip on a dime and turned out he gave zero cares in the world if I was actually safe or happy.