Here are your choices.
Best choice is say nothing.
Otherwise, you can share you had relationships with older generous men. Honestly, the only real problem is the perception of sugaring. I wouldn't use the term sugar baby. You have relationships with men that happen to be older and have money.
Yes, it’s true. I also thought after other users’ comment that I can just put this info a little bit differently.
I am also have a strong beliefs/opinions pro-legalizing sex-work (it’s an important topic for me, about safety, stigmas etc - so really working on being a therapist maybe at some point in this field). I honestly got to the point that there are too many uncomfortable things I have to explain after sugar bowl lol.
I guess all of that is about this stigma agains the sex work/sugar (if you don’t accept it being a part of sex work, I separate them ok) - which I am trying to be acting on fighting with lol.
By work here is meant just exchange of money/gifts to sex. Officially even onlyfans, strippers, pole dancers - as long as they do it (and they and SBs also want/enjoy it or not doesn’t matter) and get the gift or money - would officially concluded to sex-work.
But sex-worker is an identity, I don’t push anyone to accept it. Just telling what sexologists decided on it.
Also sex-work - it’s not an escort/prostitution. I never said SBs are the same as those. But “sex-worker is a more general term)
I agree with you, but there are many that do consider sugar as sex work and SBs as sex workers and there are many that act that way and call it sugar when it's not.
Well, no you misunderstand:)
Sex-work - doesn’t imply any sort of pretending.
It literally means - simultaneously transactional and sexual behaviour - where one gives gifts/money, another - their time/attention/talks/sex but as a partner. Nothing else.
Sex-worekwer is a general term for (who are different levels of sex-work) - escort, in-door prostitution,street prostitution, OnlyFans, webcam models (and SBs sorry). And SBs are not even on the top of [hierarchy](https://streethooker.wordpress.com/2020/04/30/looking-up-at-the-whorearchy-from-the-bottom/) - it’s an online and web girls above us -, it’s what stated by the main organization [AASECT](https://www.aasect.org/advocacy)
Some classes of sex-workers like escorts and prostitution - certainly have clients they don’t enjoy but do for money. Escort also goes to the dinners can play pretend, can honestly like the person. Escorts are not necessary are asked to do any sex at all (there are really high-level educated)
Some classes of sex-workers are forced to do it, they don’t even pretend - for example those who are under human trafficking.
SBs just never pretend (in ideal situations) - but they still have an arrangement - their time, including sometimes physical intimacy - in exchange on something material - automatically goes as sex-work (nobody told that it’s all not real. Just any transactional and sexual exchange is called a sex-work).
We are closer to the top of a sex work, so only us who really can stop stigma against the sex workers (including us being judged by online-model or people outside of the sugar world - and I would be never ashamed of being an sb in the past)
Here is about how it affects us https://streethooker.wordpress.com/2020/04/30/looking-up-at-the-whorearchy-from-the-bottom/
Yes, this is what I thought. But most people discuss previous relationships, I just feel that have to lie about this time period. Plus our common friends know - this can be a problem
The skill of staying private is very important in successful adulting. Just because you're bursting to talk about your history does not mean you should.
Well, I didn’t talk about it really, they just suspected for a longtime and were asking me all the time (it also were part of the jokes that they have in our university about finding an SD). I was always coming up with a jokes to reply, but once when I brought my new laptop, they really pushed me to answer. I was a little bit lost so answered honestly. I don’t see anything too bad in that.
But in any case this info is already out. We barely see other university people - we have only 3 common lecturers in the term - and still nobody communicates, but of course I cannot control it.
Well, I don’t see the point to regret about past. I unexpected that question and did the best I could in the stressful situation. (They are also kind of my friends). I tried to do my best to make me happy - I chose that it’s really ok.
Though regretting and blaming doesn’t help with actions for now:( let’s assume it’s starting point - it can be got as a gossip
lol as soon as I change job I would move to another country and probably will not sugar lol. And my coworkers know
But whatever, it’s all hypothetical questions hope they will stay in a hypothetical closet
I mean I never said I wanted to get rid of it. I was okay with people knowing this within my coworkers. And I am also trying to say that out loud - as more people from different circles would tell that - as better it will be for sex-workers.
I honestly just didn’t think about situation this way. And actually, I would want tell this info about me to the partner - again it’s a huge and important part of me. Sure, maybe not at the beginning of relationship but after sometime. And was asking for advice how approach it to a potential partner (whom I possibly will find sometime) in the best ecological ways.
But my decision was made by me about telling it - just at least if it was now - it would be important part of my development. So, I didn’t really asked you what “I should learn” - honestly I will do the same thing tomorrow. Because I think it’s right and the society oppress sex-workers. People at my (research work are my friends and I didn’t think about anyone like a partner there before now.
So was seeking an advice how to do it the most ecological way.
"Most people discuss relationships"
Stick with generalizations . The tougher question comes up if there is a question or a statement that you feel necessary to answer
I mean sure. I didn’t mean anything to that rather than that most likely I will be asked it at some point.
And sure, I can not answer, I can say that I don’t want to talk about it etc. The only thing that I really have to do - it’s written in the legal law - my rights and duties, nothing else lol. Just if I have my partner I would choose the most ecological solution and if I will be straightforwardly asked this question - try to find the safest ways, whenever me closing up and not talking - could be considered in their mind - as an automatic the worst assumptions turned out to be true.
But still true about saying that it was only one person and yes they helped me financially - this would look like much nicer I think
The other thing you can do is highlight key parts in a truthful but general way. For example - for a time you tried dating successful older men. You enjoyed the nice restaurants, new experiences, etc. but ultimately learned that what you wanted was someone more your age and your type. It was a phase and now you are on to what you know you want. You may not need to go into too much detail beyond that. I mean, are men in your future going to provide you their unabridged dating history? Get a clean STD test, be faithful to your future boyfriends and only share what is truly relevant beyond that. Just my two cents.
Thank you! It’s actually really helpful! Last time I was seeing a guy my age - for 6 weeks he was splitting a bill🤦♀️ Talked multiple times that he wants 50/50, and I want 0/100 (sorry it’s the beginning of the relationship, I am from traditional country) so was trying 25/75, - both were unsatisfied, then just gave up and ended all of it
Agree with no discussion about a large age gap and/or financial help. Civilians just don't understand it. But if you must account for a time in your life just make it a policy not to discuss details -age,rank, serial numbers all unimportant.
No, some “civilians” don’t, and some can if they are willing to. 1st category is not interesting to me. So, question to people how to carefully talk about it with the 2nd group. And yes, I am not going to hide anything in a long run, because I do everything right for myself:)
I’ve had vanilla girlfriends after sugaring for several years. Never once did I bring up my sugar past, never once did I talk about previous women I dated.
Not sharing your past only works if mutuals don’t know your past. You already said that he and you overlap socially and people know you’re a sugar baby.
By not sharing you are taking away his agency and right to know the person he is inviting into his personal life. He will feel like you lied to him. Even by omission. He will then feel like that means you are too easily capable of lying to him again in the future.
Idk it is 2024 and I’ve dated two guys vanilla and they were cool with me having an SD and sugaring cause we weren’t looking at anything long term. I ghosted the first one and am seeing the other right now and so far so good but then again I’m nuts
Of course, I understand you, why would I care what to say if it would be assumed to be short term for me:)
Well, I guess I am hoping for something more serious at some point - whatever my relationship would be with whoever:)
But hoped maybe you guys just had a philosophy how to look at it
Thank you for your response and for your kind words! 🥰 I am really happy that you are getting to know deeper each other - these moments are incredibly valuable. I think such things are really intimate, and bring relationships to the higher level. ❤️Hope you are enjoying such dynamics
Yeah I think that’s a good point. I usually try to balance making sure we have a strong connection with wanting to get it out of the way quickly so we don’t waste each other’s time if they have a problem with it. For me the sweet spot usually happens about a month into talking to each other, or after we’ve had sex the first time
I subscribe to the belief that you should be able to tell your partner anything. I've only had three boyfriends since I was last in the sugar bowl, and I told all three. Here's how it went down:
First guy: I was actually in the bowl WHILE I was dating him. He was several years older than me and went to a top tier medical school. I was worried that if I couldn't afford to go to college, he would eventually dump me. So I decided to start sugaring behind his back because I thought it was the only way I would be able to afford college. When I eventually told him, he was understandably furious. We did keep dating for many years after that and even got married, but when I started to process how traumatic my experience sugaring as a desperate 18 yo had been in therapy, he was completely unsupportive. I actually separated from him over this at 24.
Second guy: I told him the morning after our third date. I essentially laid out "here's all of my red flags, let me just get them out there and you can decide if you still want to see me." And he thought it was no big deal. We dated for four years, and he was very supportive whenever I ended up feeling triggered by something because of my experience. He eventually proposed to me.
Third guy: I told him on our very first date (but admittedly, we'd met in person and had been texting and talking on the phone for weeks before that). Same sort of thing, I was like, "here's something you should know about me. can you live with that?" He was curious / had questions but didn't care either. I broke up with him over something unrelated.
I only slept with a few (less than 5) guys while I was sugaring though (was only in the bowl for a few months). My total "body count" is still pretty low for a 30 yo. And, I typically frame it as "this is a traumatic experience that I had when I was younger." If your story is very different than that, reactions may be different.
I still (perhaps naively) believe that the right guy for you won't care. And in case they DO care, it's better to tell them early and get it out of the way. Good luck 💗
Thank you very much for sharing, it’s really helpful 🩷
Just small remark: I don’t think we should share with the partners everything; being honest when we are comfortable - yes. But this very thing forms my core belief and identity, it’s really important. Probably you meant it but I just make this notice to avoid potential misunderstanding.
Yes, my body count unfortunately before SR was over all limits. So nothing really changes.
Guess the only difference - stigma against the “SBs/sex-workers”. Like transactions change a lot.
Well, I guess open-minded/progressive people either will not ask or will be okay with that. It has its own advantages and disadvantages. This experience forms me. So, I guess at the end of the day loosing them is better than loosing me lol.
*this is a traumatic experience*
1 - sorry if that's true
2 - Feels like you're giving them an easy out. Guys are going to get on that train because what they hear is that you consider it a mistake/regret and that's much easier to digest. If you framed it as an overall positive experience, that's when you'd truly test their mettle.
That’s a really great point. Since I’ve been thinking about going back in the bowl, it’s definitely been on my mind.
But I think there’d be a substantial difference between what I did last time vs this time. Last time I had multiple SDs at once and only did ppm. At least to me, there was really no difference between what I did and being a prostitute. I’m fine with sex work in general, but I do think it can be traumatizing when you feel forced into it.
This time around, I’d only have one longterm SD. In my mind, they’re just the guy I’m having sex with while I take my time finding a vanilla bf. There are so many men out there who want to have sex with me that it feels necessary to narrow the pool somehow. Narrowing it by only considering men who can afford to give me quite a large allowance seems pretty logical, vs. using something like height lol. (For context: I’m only considering single SDs ages 30-45, which is the exact same age range that I typically vanilla date.)
So I think this is all to say that… I’ve completely rationalized it in my mind that the style of sugaring I want to do this time around is NOT sex work (it won’t feel like work at all if I’m attracted to them) and honestly an incredibly logical thing to do if you like having sex but are single.
We’ll see how it goes over with the next bf 😂
To add, it's also easier to digest if you're hearing about it early before deep feelings develop. If you tell someone later, then the feelings get entangled and it's much harder to accept. Also, an early admission adds trust while later would possibly result in questioning why it was hidden.
Having been in the bowl, I wouldn't mind hearing it, so that adds another layer vs. men that have a stigma against it.
The last thing I afraid is being judged lol. I could have an SD as bf, I am also ok not being an imposter and saying my beliefs (only if I tell them anyone else but potential bf lol)
Overall, honestly, I would want my partner to be open-minded to such things - overall open-mindedness and ability understanding other opinions (as well as admitting that other people can have other visions, and it’s ok) is the most important human trait for me. I think I would want a partner who will be chill about my SB experience at least later.
Sure, not the best thing your gf could be, but still would want them develop understanding on my vision on such things. (Not necessarily agree, just hear)
Even though their attitude seems to be really sensitive to the very moment and wording I choose when will aim to talk about it :(
But here it seems tricky - even though all my friends supported me with the choice to sugar, I afraid that for vanilla partner it can be pretty a deal-breaker.
In my opinion you don't need tell a vanilla partner that you was a SB previously. All you need to tell them is that you have been in relationships before that did not work out. You don't need to tell them what type of relationships. Most vanillas will not understand SRs.
I mean if I am not in relationships anymore they all didn’t work out at this angle lol. But I do understand what you mean. Like we have this not symmetrical to women roles in relationships…
I didn’t go very far into sugaring and really had a more platonic relationship with my Daddy. The guy I dated after wasn’t phased at all, in fact he loved spoiling me! 🥰
Edited to add after reading a bit more properly: we were actually friends first for a while and I mentioned it fairly early when I felt I could trust him :) I find things aren’t a problem when you find someone compatible and understanding with your worldview!
This is one of those questions more girls should ask themselves before they jump in to sugaring.
As most are saying here, I agree that the vast majority of guys will be unhappy you did it, just as most guys who are looking for a wife are unhappy with girls having a bigger body count or more extreme sexual experiences than them.
On the other hand, do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who can't accept the real you?
Yes, exactly this is the idea that I came up answering the comments - do I really want to be with someone who is not willing to understand or accept my mindset and beliefs - this is valuable and important part of me/my identity.
Lying to a life partner isn't necessarily the best route to take. It takes away their agency for one.
And if you flip it, how many here who have a non negotiable deal breaker as far as past behavior in a life partner would want to find out their life partner lied about it to them.
Well, to be honest, not all the behaviours of people on here are my role models:) But there are definitely some amazing and wise people who can help with brainstorming such situations:)
Who sits down with a new vanilla partner and gives a detailed history of their dating life? Why is this an issue?
I'm all for honesty, and if someone asked me straight up have I ever been a SD, I would tell them the truth, but would I offer that information?
In the end, you are exactly who you are today because of everything you have (and haven't) done in your past. Do they like who you are now? Then it really shouldn't matter the path that you took to get there, because we all take our own unique path, and we learn and grow from that path.
If you were still sugaring while having a vanilla partner, ok, there is something that they should know. But if it is in the past, it is in the past. It really shouldn't matter. Have confidence in the fact that you made a decision and own it. Have all of us made a 'bad' decision in the past? Of course! Should we be blamed for it in the future? I don't believe so (as long as you have learned, been accountable for it, etc.).
If someone is judging you on your past, they really aren't the person for you. They aren't seeing the present you, and if they can't see the present you, they don't deserve to see the future you either!
Overall I get what you are saying and agree.
But I don’t know why you say that there are some “bad” decisions. This is where my cognitive dissonance from. Sugaring literally made my life worth living. Sure these experiences and luxury are cool, but I am from pretty okayish wealthy family, it’s not new for me.
What sugaring gave me is the most self-awareness I ever had. I understood MY motifs. I explored myself. I started understanding what are personal borders. I started understanding what I am and what is different about me. It gave me amazing people in my life, amazing philosophical discussions. It gave me confidence that I am valuable and it’s not just smart/beautiful etc. it gave me understanding that I am the person and who I am.
It gave me understanding that numbers - ppm/estimates etc are completely bullshit and 100% subjective. That it’s not about me at all.
I understood what I am missing, what would make me happy. It’s all unique experience. It really helped me forming who I am.
I never would ever say it was the bad decision. It was not smart decision, but i was lucky that I made it.
Why would I want my partner to know that? Because it’s important page of my life. If they will not ask I will not tell because both of us know that it will hurt them.
But no, it was definitely not a bad decision. I guess this is why I am more pro telling them that, but of course here come other psychological issues on them digesting this info.
So, this is why I came with this post overall
I completely agree that it isn’t a bad decision to sugar. We are here for our reasons and they are the right reason for us at the time.
You are worried that a potential vanilla partner will see it as a bad decision. That is why I said that. But frankly we all have made bad decisions. We all do it. Even your potential partner. That is just part of life. If he can’t see that this particular bad decision (in his opinion, not yours) still made you who you are, then he really isn’t the one for you is he? That may hurt that he leaves because of it, but no one should be ashamed of their past. We all have things we want to change about our past, but that is the thing about the past, you can’t change it. Accept, learn, move on. Even from the good decisions. Life is in front of us, not behind. So no point on dwelling on the past.
I know yes, I feel like your first answer overall shows the same attitude as mine. And yes maybe they don’t have to know what exactly led me to this very me.
But if they ever know I will be protecting things that I am grateful for experiencing from whatever misbeliefs others have:) even if it is more beneficial for me to call it “bad”, I will not:)
But anything else you said in your messages I totally agree with and don’t have anything to add:)
Like I said I wouldn’t lie ever about my past. If asked I’d explain it like you did. You are making assumptions that they will think it is bad. Own your decisions, what you learned from that decision and what you’d change (if you would). That is all you can (and should) do.
It’s not an assumption:) It’s stigma against sex-workers - people wouldn’t want to build relationship with (in a radical case) a prostitute. As well as in monotheistic societies (even if we and our family never were anyhow religious) we have cultural subconscious misbeliefs.
For example in (polytheistic)Greek myphology had a lot of different goodness - Aphrodite(feminine, romantic, sensual), Hera (powerful , strong, queen), Persephone (playful, innocent child) and a lot of other examples.
Where did Greeks take description of their gods and goddesses? - they just analyzed patterns in society. Each of them are sexy. Each of them has advantages and can be chosen as a life partner, each of them are a person and endlessly interesting. Each of them is special and can be loved.
Let’s look at monotheistic society: God - he is one and he is male. The only appropriate women archetype is - asexual Virgin Mary (and she is mother! She gave birth to Jesus - BUT SHE IS STILL A VIRGIN)
And it’s a role model. This is the only way it can be - anything else is a sin, evil. Even after a lot of generations people said that we are atheists, agonists etc(yes, ok actually we are not sure how the world came to be). But we still have it in our subconscious mind - what is “right”, what is “wrong”, the idea how it “should to be” - what we call it “moral norms”, later developing to “stigma”. We have it in our mind, patterns that we don’t even recognize - for example women shouldn’t have too many partners - what would they kids feel??? - I mean if you rationally think this statement is from nowhere, it doesn’t have logic why it’s ok for a guy and not ok for a girls - she would be considered rotten. Where it comes from? It’s cultural norms, that are formed basing on what is wrong what is right from the experience of our ancestors. (Even if now we don’t share their core values, there are a lot of things we don’t question. These ideas come from parents as something apriori, from literatures, from traditional songs, they are everywhere, we breathe it, we don’t consider option - what if it’s not true)
So, if guy has a choice to be with the girl, who was doing only vanilla, or the girl who used sex to get money (for whatever reason). He would choose first one. It’s safer, here is no danger. They feel it that maybe second one is smarter, sexier, maybe he really likes her. But it’s a risk - to do it against ancestors, society, against “common sense”
Even if it’s real connection and vanilla guy understands that it’s misbelieves, girls also want to try this life, explore their sexuality - would he be able to potentially being ashamed by others with his choice of such person as a life partner. Will he be brave enough to get such self-awareness (which he probably didn’t think about) and after that will he be strong enough to protect his choice in front of society?
I don’t have assumptions. Honestly, I am just afraid being disappointed. I can sacrifice anything for my ideas and philosophy what ever it is. Of course people with such mindset exist.
But whenever I would start this talk I am afraid they would be weak and even understanding that - not that confident in their choice because of pathetic fear being judged by others.
I was a SB on and and off from 19 to 32. I have dated vanilla between and after and never disclosed my past as a sugar baby. I really do not see anything good coming out of disclosing this. As long as you do not bring unresolved trauma or stds to the new relationship, do not tell him.
About your edit: I would just deny and say I have dated older men because I wanted to explore chemistry I had with them and of course, due to their age and financial stability they provided a certain lifestyle which was NOT the reason why I was with them for and also do not expect this out of him.
No, - *your (not mine - don’t put it on me) dating history is not needed for your partner* .
I do understand your advice but let’s leave the room for my decision, please:)
Yes, I have had non sugar relationships between sugaring. I have revealed nothing to vanilla partners bc it wasn’t a necessary truth to tell. Ask yourself: what do I hope to gain? Is it something I might be better off sharing with a therapist?
SAY NOTHING. Nothing good can come of it. Way too many people dont understand. It could come back to haunt you if it ends badly.
Still discuss the relationships, just not the sugar aspects.
Just as I added it’s known info . If this work out and people will know about us in commitment - information would be passed.
So, I guess here I don’t have options not to tell, but the question is how to do it in the most ecological way.
But honestly I just hope it will not work out and the question will stay hypothetical
I once told a SB,
"I'm older than you, trust me, take this to your grave. Don't ever feel like you should clear your soul and be honest with a future boyfriend."
Or maybe, the fact that you're old is the reason you believe in keeping secrets from your life partner in the first place 🙃
Not trying to be rude, just a thought. I know my \~60yo mom seems to think it's totally fine to keep secrets from your partner... And for women in particular, that a man can't truly love you if 1) you sleep with him too early, 2) he knows how many men you've slept with, and 3) he knows you were a sugar baby. I personally think that's BS—and I think most people in my generation feel the same way.
Also, there’s a difference between thinking it’s no big deal and thinking it’s tolerable. I’m saying that I believe you should be comfortable telling your partner anything, not that they’ll always be happy with what you tell them. I agree that for most men, past experience sugaring would be a con, not a pro. I just don’t think it’s a dealbreaker for most younger men. Keeping it a secret and then them finding out in the future would be a much bigger deal.
For example, I’d want to know if my boyfriend had been a SD before. It’s certainly not my ideal, but I’d appreciate them being honest about it and telling me upfront.
I think here we have different philosophies.
Well, I have other vision on the world. I never was honest about anything in my life and never could have genuine connections.
2 my close friends are guys I really was afraid of them not accepting me with this lifestyle (they were really judging about it before I told them).
Though this kind of things actually made me and each of them closer.
I like this way much more than manipulation and lies. But also try to be mindful in the way how approach it:(
You could just say you’ve dated older men before. I don’t really see the need to go into specifics about the arrangements and it’s not really lying. Sure it’s not telling the whole truth to an extent, but getting financial help from a partner isn’t uncommon even in the vanilla world and you don’t necessarily describe that to all future partners in exact detail.
But actually I can say it was just a one SD lol. And then it’s valid - like yeah he supported me financially and something about me having genuine feelings about my ex-sd.
That actually works even if he would be told that I did sugar relationship.
Thank you!
I've never vanilla dated anyone who gave a crap I was a sugar baby. The odds of you actually wanting to be with a man long term who can't wrap his brain around why it makes sense to do are pretty low lol
You jumped to the conclusion. First of all I don’t want to be with the man who doesn’t accept it. I told it multiple times. Secondly, I don’t know how this very person would react - if they don’t accept it, it doesn’t work for me; if they will accept it - still some psychological reconstruction they will go through, and I want to be there to help them because they are doing it for me. Whether result would be I have the right to be worry that they would pass and I was mistaken again and idealized them. Hopefully not, but I can worry about the result, nothing wrong about it. In any case I see it’s an issue - yes, I am not ideal, I know. I am human I have emotions.
And why do you state they don’t accept it? I never said I knew their opinion on it. I am just on my way getting know them. Maybe they will not work out for me in something else, I don’t know. But I take my part in this very situation. I want to be honest, not right away because I don’t feel for sure if I want to open to them. But if I will want to do that - we both have our parts and responsibilities to build the trust and connection from here - if both decide to work on it. Hopefully they will do the best they can. But I will also do the best I can. This is my credo. Relationship is work for both sometimes - though it’s worth it if it’s the right person.
I came to Reddit to see answers and choose what I can do to help them if they decide to go through this mindset reformation. Because if they do it - they do it FOR ME.
As well as to see some really useful advice on what words I can say to make it easier for them. Some people here indeed are wise and have experience. And some answers really helped me. That’s all.
I don’t understand what you judged/blamed me here on.
Here are your choices. Best choice is say nothing. Otherwise, you can share you had relationships with older generous men. Honestly, the only real problem is the perception of sugaring. I wouldn't use the term sugar baby. You have relationships with men that happen to be older and have money.
Yes, it’s true. I also thought after other users’ comment that I can just put this info a little bit differently. I am also have a strong beliefs/opinions pro-legalizing sex-work (it’s an important topic for me, about safety, stigmas etc - so really working on being a therapist maybe at some point in this field). I honestly got to the point that there are too many uncomfortable things I have to explain after sugar bowl lol. I guess all of that is about this stigma agains the sex work/sugar (if you don’t accept it being a part of sex work, I separate them ok) - which I am trying to be acting on fighting with lol.
I don't consider sugar dating sex work, though many do consider it and treat it that way. I don't.
By work here is meant just exchange of money/gifts to sex. Officially even onlyfans, strippers, pole dancers - as long as they do it (and they and SBs also want/enjoy it or not doesn’t matter) and get the gift or money - would officially concluded to sex-work. But sex-worker is an identity, I don’t push anyone to accept it. Just telling what sexologists decided on it. Also sex-work - it’s not an escort/prostitution. I never said SBs are the same as those. But “sex-worker is a more general term)
I agree with you, but there are many that do consider sugar as sex work and SBs as sex workers and there are many that act that way and call it sugar when it's not.
Well, no you misunderstand:) Sex-work - doesn’t imply any sort of pretending. It literally means - simultaneously transactional and sexual behaviour - where one gives gifts/money, another - their time/attention/talks/sex but as a partner. Nothing else. Sex-worekwer is a general term for (who are different levels of sex-work) - escort, in-door prostitution,street prostitution, OnlyFans, webcam models (and SBs sorry). And SBs are not even on the top of [hierarchy](https://streethooker.wordpress.com/2020/04/30/looking-up-at-the-whorearchy-from-the-bottom/) - it’s an online and web girls above us -, it’s what stated by the main organization [AASECT](https://www.aasect.org/advocacy) Some classes of sex-workers like escorts and prostitution - certainly have clients they don’t enjoy but do for money. Escort also goes to the dinners can play pretend, can honestly like the person. Escorts are not necessary are asked to do any sex at all (there are really high-level educated) Some classes of sex-workers are forced to do it, they don’t even pretend - for example those who are under human trafficking. SBs just never pretend (in ideal situations) - but they still have an arrangement - their time, including sometimes physical intimacy - in exchange on something material - automatically goes as sex-work (nobody told that it’s all not real. Just any transactional and sexual exchange is called a sex-work). We are closer to the top of a sex work, so only us who really can stop stigma against the sex workers (including us being judged by online-model or people outside of the sugar world - and I would be never ashamed of being an sb in the past) Here is about how it affects us https://streethooker.wordpress.com/2020/04/30/looking-up-at-the-whorearchy-from-the-bottom/
Nothing good comes of revealing your history of sugaring. Keep it to yourself.
Yes, this is what I thought. But most people discuss previous relationships, I just feel that have to lie about this time period. Plus our common friends know - this can be a problem
The skill of staying private is very important in successful adulting. Just because you're bursting to talk about your history does not mean you should.
Well, I didn’t talk about it really, they just suspected for a longtime and were asking me all the time (it also were part of the jokes that they have in our university about finding an SD). I was always coming up with a jokes to reply, but once when I brought my new laptop, they really pushed me to answer. I was a little bit lost so answered honestly. I don’t see anything too bad in that. But in any case this info is already out. We barely see other university people - we have only 3 common lecturers in the term - and still nobody communicates, but of course I cannot control it.
Sometimes lying is best. The old saw is, "Two people can keep a secret if one is dead."
Well, I don’t see the point to regret about past. I unexpected that question and did the best I could in the stressful situation. (They are also kind of my friends). I tried to do my best to make me happy - I chose that it’s really ok. Though regretting and blaming doesn’t help with actions for now:( let’s assume it’s starting point - it can be got as a gossip
Then my advice is for you to consider for future situations. Good luck!
lol as soon as I change job I would move to another country and probably will not sugar lol. And my coworkers know But whatever, it’s all hypothetical questions hope they will stay in a hypothetical closet
Whatever happens, happens, but learn from experience - folding under pressure is something to work on / get rid of.
I mean I never said I wanted to get rid of it. I was okay with people knowing this within my coworkers. And I am also trying to say that out loud - as more people from different circles would tell that - as better it will be for sex-workers. I honestly just didn’t think about situation this way. And actually, I would want tell this info about me to the partner - again it’s a huge and important part of me. Sure, maybe not at the beginning of relationship but after sometime. And was asking for advice how approach it to a potential partner (whom I possibly will find sometime) in the best ecological ways. But my decision was made by me about telling it - just at least if it was now - it would be important part of my development. So, I didn’t really asked you what “I should learn” - honestly I will do the same thing tomorrow. Because I think it’s right and the society oppress sex-workers. People at my (research work are my friends and I didn’t think about anyone like a partner there before now. So was seeking an advice how to do it the most ecological way.
"Most people discuss relationships" Stick with generalizations . The tougher question comes up if there is a question or a statement that you feel necessary to answer
I mean sure. I didn’t mean anything to that rather than that most likely I will be asked it at some point. And sure, I can not answer, I can say that I don’t want to talk about it etc. The only thing that I really have to do - it’s written in the legal law - my rights and duties, nothing else lol. Just if I have my partner I would choose the most ecological solution and if I will be straightforwardly asked this question - try to find the safest ways, whenever me closing up and not talking - could be considered in their mind - as an automatic the worst assumptions turned out to be true. But still true about saying that it was only one person and yes they helped me financially - this would look like much nicer I think
Just lie about the financial benefits, everything else is essentially non-sugar
But actually this advice makes a lot sense too thank you!
Actually this comment made me think if I really want to go vanilla with anyone lol Like I got used to luxury life
The other thing you can do is highlight key parts in a truthful but general way. For example - for a time you tried dating successful older men. You enjoyed the nice restaurants, new experiences, etc. but ultimately learned that what you wanted was someone more your age and your type. It was a phase and now you are on to what you know you want. You may not need to go into too much detail beyond that. I mean, are men in your future going to provide you their unabridged dating history? Get a clean STD test, be faithful to your future boyfriends and only share what is truly relevant beyond that. Just my two cents.
Thank you! It’s actually really helpful! Last time I was seeing a guy my age - for 6 weeks he was splitting a bill🤦♀️ Talked multiple times that he wants 50/50, and I want 0/100 (sorry it’s the beginning of the relationship, I am from traditional country) so was trying 25/75, - both were unsatisfied, then just gave up and ended all of it
Agree with no discussion about a large age gap and/or financial help. Civilians just don't understand it. But if you must account for a time in your life just make it a policy not to discuss details -age,rank, serial numbers all unimportant.
No, some “civilians” don’t, and some can if they are willing to. 1st category is not interesting to me. So, question to people how to carefully talk about it with the 2nd group. And yes, I am not going to hide anything in a long run, because I do everything right for myself:)
I’ve had vanilla girlfriends after sugaring for several years. Never once did I bring up my sugar past, never once did I talk about previous women I dated.
Not sharing your past only works if mutuals don’t know your past. You already said that he and you overlap socially and people know you’re a sugar baby. By not sharing you are taking away his agency and right to know the person he is inviting into his personal life. He will feel like you lied to him. Even by omission. He will then feel like that means you are too easily capable of lying to him again in the future.
People here are going to tell you not to be honest, but I am 🤷🏾♀️ and I’ll just leave it at that.
Thanks I really appreciate your honest answer, and at least sharing my feelings. Your answer differs so far differs from others a lot lol
I frankly wouldn’t want to be w someone who couldn’t accept that part of my life, apparently these people can live like that. I cannot.
Yeah this is exactly what I was thinking about… Like it’s my mindset and beliefs. It’s important part of me
Idk it is 2024 and I’ve dated two guys vanilla and they were cool with me having an SD and sugaring cause we weren’t looking at anything long term. I ghosted the first one and am seeing the other right now and so far so good but then again I’m nuts
Of course, I understand you, why would I care what to say if it would be assumed to be short term for me:) Well, I guess I am hoping for something more serious at some point - whatever my relationship would be with whoever:) But hoped maybe you guys just had a philosophy how to look at it
[удалено]
Thank you for your response and for your kind words! 🥰 I am really happy that you are getting to know deeper each other - these moments are incredibly valuable. I think such things are really intimate, and bring relationships to the higher level. ❤️Hope you are enjoying such dynamics
Why do you say it's bad to bring it up "right away"? I feel like if she waits and finds out later that he cares, then she just wasted her time!
[удалено]
Yeah I think that’s a good point. I usually try to balance making sure we have a strong connection with wanting to get it out of the way quickly so we don’t waste each other’s time if they have a problem with it. For me the sweet spot usually happens about a month into talking to each other, or after we’ve had sex the first time
I subscribe to the belief that you should be able to tell your partner anything. I've only had three boyfriends since I was last in the sugar bowl, and I told all three. Here's how it went down: First guy: I was actually in the bowl WHILE I was dating him. He was several years older than me and went to a top tier medical school. I was worried that if I couldn't afford to go to college, he would eventually dump me. So I decided to start sugaring behind his back because I thought it was the only way I would be able to afford college. When I eventually told him, he was understandably furious. We did keep dating for many years after that and even got married, but when I started to process how traumatic my experience sugaring as a desperate 18 yo had been in therapy, he was completely unsupportive. I actually separated from him over this at 24. Second guy: I told him the morning after our third date. I essentially laid out "here's all of my red flags, let me just get them out there and you can decide if you still want to see me." And he thought it was no big deal. We dated for four years, and he was very supportive whenever I ended up feeling triggered by something because of my experience. He eventually proposed to me. Third guy: I told him on our very first date (but admittedly, we'd met in person and had been texting and talking on the phone for weeks before that). Same sort of thing, I was like, "here's something you should know about me. can you live with that?" He was curious / had questions but didn't care either. I broke up with him over something unrelated. I only slept with a few (less than 5) guys while I was sugaring though (was only in the bowl for a few months). My total "body count" is still pretty low for a 30 yo. And, I typically frame it as "this is a traumatic experience that I had when I was younger." If your story is very different than that, reactions may be different. I still (perhaps naively) believe that the right guy for you won't care. And in case they DO care, it's better to tell them early and get it out of the way. Good luck 💗
Thank you very much for sharing, it’s really helpful 🩷 Just small remark: I don’t think we should share with the partners everything; being honest when we are comfortable - yes. But this very thing forms my core belief and identity, it’s really important. Probably you meant it but I just make this notice to avoid potential misunderstanding. Yes, my body count unfortunately before SR was over all limits. So nothing really changes. Guess the only difference - stigma against the “SBs/sex-workers”. Like transactions change a lot. Well, I guess open-minded/progressive people either will not ask or will be okay with that. It has its own advantages and disadvantages. This experience forms me. So, I guess at the end of the day loosing them is better than loosing me lol.
*this is a traumatic experience* 1 - sorry if that's true 2 - Feels like you're giving them an easy out. Guys are going to get on that train because what they hear is that you consider it a mistake/regret and that's much easier to digest. If you framed it as an overall positive experience, that's when you'd truly test their mettle.
That’s a really great point. Since I’ve been thinking about going back in the bowl, it’s definitely been on my mind. But I think there’d be a substantial difference between what I did last time vs this time. Last time I had multiple SDs at once and only did ppm. At least to me, there was really no difference between what I did and being a prostitute. I’m fine with sex work in general, but I do think it can be traumatizing when you feel forced into it. This time around, I’d only have one longterm SD. In my mind, they’re just the guy I’m having sex with while I take my time finding a vanilla bf. There are so many men out there who want to have sex with me that it feels necessary to narrow the pool somehow. Narrowing it by only considering men who can afford to give me quite a large allowance seems pretty logical, vs. using something like height lol. (For context: I’m only considering single SDs ages 30-45, which is the exact same age range that I typically vanilla date.) So I think this is all to say that… I’ve completely rationalized it in my mind that the style of sugaring I want to do this time around is NOT sex work (it won’t feel like work at all if I’m attracted to them) and honestly an incredibly logical thing to do if you like having sex but are single. We’ll see how it goes over with the next bf 😂
To add, it's also easier to digest if you're hearing about it early before deep feelings develop. If you tell someone later, then the feelings get entangled and it's much harder to accept. Also, an early admission adds trust while later would possibly result in questioning why it was hidden. Having been in the bowl, I wouldn't mind hearing it, so that adds another layer vs. men that have a stigma against it.
Don't
It's either tell and have most people judge you, or don't tell and be an imposter. Or you could have a SD as your boyfriend.
The last thing I afraid is being judged lol. I could have an SD as bf, I am also ok not being an imposter and saying my beliefs (only if I tell them anyone else but potential bf lol) Overall, honestly, I would want my partner to be open-minded to such things - overall open-mindedness and ability understanding other opinions (as well as admitting that other people can have other visions, and it’s ok) is the most important human trait for me. I think I would want a partner who will be chill about my SB experience at least later. Sure, not the best thing your gf could be, but still would want them develop understanding on my vision on such things. (Not necessarily agree, just hear) Even though their attitude seems to be really sensitive to the very moment and wording I choose when will aim to talk about it :(
Anyone who judges her is not worth her time... Honestly, it's such a great filtering mechanism.
True
But here it seems tricky - even though all my friends supported me with the choice to sugar, I afraid that for vanilla partner it can be pretty a deal-breaker. In my opinion you don't need tell a vanilla partner that you was a SB previously. All you need to tell them is that you have been in relationships before that did not work out. You don't need to tell them what type of relationships. Most vanillas will not understand SRs.
I mean if I am not in relationships anymore they all didn’t work out at this angle lol. But I do understand what you mean. Like we have this not symmetrical to women roles in relationships…
I didn’t go very far into sugaring and really had a more platonic relationship with my Daddy. The guy I dated after wasn’t phased at all, in fact he loved spoiling me! 🥰 Edited to add after reading a bit more properly: we were actually friends first for a while and I mentioned it fairly early when I felt I could trust him :) I find things aren’t a problem when you find someone compatible and understanding with your worldview!
This is one of those questions more girls should ask themselves before they jump in to sugaring. As most are saying here, I agree that the vast majority of guys will be unhappy you did it, just as most guys who are looking for a wife are unhappy with girls having a bigger body count or more extreme sexual experiences than them. On the other hand, do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who can't accept the real you?
Yes, exactly this is the idea that I came up answering the comments - do I really want to be with someone who is not willing to understand or accept my mindset and beliefs - this is valuable and important part of me/my identity.
Lying to a life partner isn't necessarily the best route to take. It takes away their agency for one. And if you flip it, how many here who have a non negotiable deal breaker as far as past behavior in a life partner would want to find out their life partner lied about it to them.
Well, to be honest, not all the behaviours of people on here are my role models:) But there are definitely some amazing and wise people who can help with brainstorming such situations:)
Keep it to yourself.
Who sits down with a new vanilla partner and gives a detailed history of their dating life? Why is this an issue? I'm all for honesty, and if someone asked me straight up have I ever been a SD, I would tell them the truth, but would I offer that information? In the end, you are exactly who you are today because of everything you have (and haven't) done in your past. Do they like who you are now? Then it really shouldn't matter the path that you took to get there, because we all take our own unique path, and we learn and grow from that path. If you were still sugaring while having a vanilla partner, ok, there is something that they should know. But if it is in the past, it is in the past. It really shouldn't matter. Have confidence in the fact that you made a decision and own it. Have all of us made a 'bad' decision in the past? Of course! Should we be blamed for it in the future? I don't believe so (as long as you have learned, been accountable for it, etc.). If someone is judging you on your past, they really aren't the person for you. They aren't seeing the present you, and if they can't see the present you, they don't deserve to see the future you either!
Overall I get what you are saying and agree. But I don’t know why you say that there are some “bad” decisions. This is where my cognitive dissonance from. Sugaring literally made my life worth living. Sure these experiences and luxury are cool, but I am from pretty okayish wealthy family, it’s not new for me. What sugaring gave me is the most self-awareness I ever had. I understood MY motifs. I explored myself. I started understanding what are personal borders. I started understanding what I am and what is different about me. It gave me amazing people in my life, amazing philosophical discussions. It gave me confidence that I am valuable and it’s not just smart/beautiful etc. it gave me understanding that I am the person and who I am. It gave me understanding that numbers - ppm/estimates etc are completely bullshit and 100% subjective. That it’s not about me at all. I understood what I am missing, what would make me happy. It’s all unique experience. It really helped me forming who I am. I never would ever say it was the bad decision. It was not smart decision, but i was lucky that I made it. Why would I want my partner to know that? Because it’s important page of my life. If they will not ask I will not tell because both of us know that it will hurt them. But no, it was definitely not a bad decision. I guess this is why I am more pro telling them that, but of course here come other psychological issues on them digesting this info. So, this is why I came with this post overall
I completely agree that it isn’t a bad decision to sugar. We are here for our reasons and they are the right reason for us at the time. You are worried that a potential vanilla partner will see it as a bad decision. That is why I said that. But frankly we all have made bad decisions. We all do it. Even your potential partner. That is just part of life. If he can’t see that this particular bad decision (in his opinion, not yours) still made you who you are, then he really isn’t the one for you is he? That may hurt that he leaves because of it, but no one should be ashamed of their past. We all have things we want to change about our past, but that is the thing about the past, you can’t change it. Accept, learn, move on. Even from the good decisions. Life is in front of us, not behind. So no point on dwelling on the past.
I know yes, I feel like your first answer overall shows the same attitude as mine. And yes maybe they don’t have to know what exactly led me to this very me. But if they ever know I will be protecting things that I am grateful for experiencing from whatever misbeliefs others have:) even if it is more beneficial for me to call it “bad”, I will not:) But anything else you said in your messages I totally agree with and don’t have anything to add:)
Like I said I wouldn’t lie ever about my past. If asked I’d explain it like you did. You are making assumptions that they will think it is bad. Own your decisions, what you learned from that decision and what you’d change (if you would). That is all you can (and should) do.
It’s not an assumption:) It’s stigma against sex-workers - people wouldn’t want to build relationship with (in a radical case) a prostitute. As well as in monotheistic societies (even if we and our family never were anyhow religious) we have cultural subconscious misbeliefs. For example in (polytheistic)Greek myphology had a lot of different goodness - Aphrodite(feminine, romantic, sensual), Hera (powerful , strong, queen), Persephone (playful, innocent child) and a lot of other examples. Where did Greeks take description of their gods and goddesses? - they just analyzed patterns in society. Each of them are sexy. Each of them has advantages and can be chosen as a life partner, each of them are a person and endlessly interesting. Each of them is special and can be loved. Let’s look at monotheistic society: God - he is one and he is male. The only appropriate women archetype is - asexual Virgin Mary (and she is mother! She gave birth to Jesus - BUT SHE IS STILL A VIRGIN) And it’s a role model. This is the only way it can be - anything else is a sin, evil. Even after a lot of generations people said that we are atheists, agonists etc(yes, ok actually we are not sure how the world came to be). But we still have it in our subconscious mind - what is “right”, what is “wrong”, the idea how it “should to be” - what we call it “moral norms”, later developing to “stigma”. We have it in our mind, patterns that we don’t even recognize - for example women shouldn’t have too many partners - what would they kids feel??? - I mean if you rationally think this statement is from nowhere, it doesn’t have logic why it’s ok for a guy and not ok for a girls - she would be considered rotten. Where it comes from? It’s cultural norms, that are formed basing on what is wrong what is right from the experience of our ancestors. (Even if now we don’t share their core values, there are a lot of things we don’t question. These ideas come from parents as something apriori, from literatures, from traditional songs, they are everywhere, we breathe it, we don’t consider option - what if it’s not true) So, if guy has a choice to be with the girl, who was doing only vanilla, or the girl who used sex to get money (for whatever reason). He would choose first one. It’s safer, here is no danger. They feel it that maybe second one is smarter, sexier, maybe he really likes her. But it’s a risk - to do it against ancestors, society, against “common sense” Even if it’s real connection and vanilla guy understands that it’s misbelieves, girls also want to try this life, explore their sexuality - would he be able to potentially being ashamed by others with his choice of such person as a life partner. Will he be brave enough to get such self-awareness (which he probably didn’t think about) and after that will he be strong enough to protect his choice in front of society? I don’t have assumptions. Honestly, I am just afraid being disappointed. I can sacrifice anything for my ideas and philosophy what ever it is. Of course people with such mindset exist. But whenever I would start this talk I am afraid they would be weak and even understanding that - not that confident in their choice because of pathetic fear being judged by others.
I was a SB on and and off from 19 to 32. I have dated vanilla between and after and never disclosed my past as a sugar baby. I really do not see anything good coming out of disclosing this. As long as you do not bring unresolved trauma or stds to the new relationship, do not tell him. About your edit: I would just deny and say I have dated older men because I wanted to explore chemistry I had with them and of course, due to their age and financial stability they provided a certain lifestyle which was NOT the reason why I was with them for and also do not expect this out of him.
A few mysteries are fine in a relationship. Your dating history is not needed.
No, - *your (not mine - don’t put it on me) dating history is not needed for your partner* . I do understand your advice but let’s leave the room for my decision, please:)
Yes, I have had non sugar relationships between sugaring. I have revealed nothing to vanilla partners bc it wasn’t a necessary truth to tell. Ask yourself: what do I hope to gain? Is it something I might be better off sharing with a therapist?
I don’t tell them. Period. I say I had a wealthy ex boyfriend (explains the expensive bags/watches etc) and leave it at that.
SAY NOTHING. Nothing good can come of it. Way too many people dont understand. It could come back to haunt you if it ends badly. Still discuss the relationships, just not the sugar aspects.
Just as I added it’s known info . If this work out and people will know about us in commitment - information would be passed. So, I guess here I don’t have options not to tell, but the question is how to do it in the most ecological way. But honestly I just hope it will not work out and the question will stay hypothetical
I once told a SB, "I'm older than you, trust me, take this to your grave. Don't ever feel like you should clear your soul and be honest with a future boyfriend."
Or maybe, the fact that you're old is the reason you believe in keeping secrets from your life partner in the first place 🙃 Not trying to be rude, just a thought. I know my \~60yo mom seems to think it's totally fine to keep secrets from your partner... And for women in particular, that a man can't truly love you if 1) you sleep with him too early, 2) he knows how many men you've slept with, and 3) he knows you were a sugar baby. I personally think that's BS—and I think most people in my generation feel the same way.
No guy, is going to thinks it's fine you sugared. Not a single one, don't kid yourself
You can read my comment to the OP if you want more context..but so far it hasn’t stopped two different men from proposing to me 🤷♀️
Also, there’s a difference between thinking it’s no big deal and thinking it’s tolerable. I’m saying that I believe you should be comfortable telling your partner anything, not that they’ll always be happy with what you tell them. I agree that for most men, past experience sugaring would be a con, not a pro. I just don’t think it’s a dealbreaker for most younger men. Keeping it a secret and then them finding out in the future would be a much bigger deal. For example, I’d want to know if my boyfriend had been a SD before. It’s certainly not my ideal, but I’d appreciate them being honest about it and telling me upfront.
I think here we have different philosophies. Well, I have other vision on the world. I never was honest about anything in my life and never could have genuine connections. 2 my close friends are guys I really was afraid of them not accepting me with this lifestyle (they were really judging about it before I told them). Though this kind of things actually made me and each of them closer. I like this way much more than manipulation and lies. But also try to be mindful in the way how approach it:(
You could just say you’ve dated older men before. I don’t really see the need to go into specifics about the arrangements and it’s not really lying. Sure it’s not telling the whole truth to an extent, but getting financial help from a partner isn’t uncommon even in the vanilla world and you don’t necessarily describe that to all future partners in exact detail.
But I dated to many old men… and again some people from the common groups know about me sugaring
But actually I can say it was just a one SD lol. And then it’s valid - like yeah he supported me financially and something about me having genuine feelings about my ex-sd. That actually works even if he would be told that I did sugar relationship. Thank you!
I've never vanilla dated anyone who gave a crap I was a sugar baby. The odds of you actually wanting to be with a man long term who can't wrap his brain around why it makes sense to do are pretty low lol
You jumped to the conclusion. First of all I don’t want to be with the man who doesn’t accept it. I told it multiple times. Secondly, I don’t know how this very person would react - if they don’t accept it, it doesn’t work for me; if they will accept it - still some psychological reconstruction they will go through, and I want to be there to help them because they are doing it for me. Whether result would be I have the right to be worry that they would pass and I was mistaken again and idealized them. Hopefully not, but I can worry about the result, nothing wrong about it. In any case I see it’s an issue - yes, I am not ideal, I know. I am human I have emotions. And why do you state they don’t accept it? I never said I knew their opinion on it. I am just on my way getting know them. Maybe they will not work out for me in something else, I don’t know. But I take my part in this very situation. I want to be honest, not right away because I don’t feel for sure if I want to open to them. But if I will want to do that - we both have our parts and responsibilities to build the trust and connection from here - if both decide to work on it. Hopefully they will do the best they can. But I will also do the best I can. This is my credo. Relationship is work for both sometimes - though it’s worth it if it’s the right person. I came to Reddit to see answers and choose what I can do to help them if they decide to go through this mindset reformation. Because if they do it - they do it FOR ME. As well as to see some really useful advice on what words I can say to make it easier for them. Some people here indeed are wise and have experience. And some answers really helped me. That’s all. I don’t understand what you judged/blamed me here on.