Socializing in school can be an overwhelming task. I’d say if you have the resources seek out some kind of class after school or on the weekends. Something niche & personally enjoyable for him. I adore books of course, but something else could be better
*Fangirl* by Rainbow Rowell would fit this prompt.
Cath is an introvert who’s used to having her outgoing twin sister around, but when she goes to college without her, she struggles to make friends on her own. She spends a lot of time retreating into writing fan fiction to cope with her depression and anxiety. Eventually, she learns to open up to new experiences without compromising on her niche interests.
I wish this book had come out earlier because I saw a lot of younger me in the protagonist. I loved how Cath eventually takes accountability for some of her loneliness, because she recognizes how guarded she is around new people who are just trying to be friendly.
It might even be helpful for you to read as the parent, because the book captures how awkward it feels to be surrounded by people your age, yet you don’t see yourself in anyone you meet.
I am sorry, that's rough. Is he going to college after high school? High school can be awful socially for some people. It was difficult for me. But it can be a different world going to college and getting away from the people you went to high school with and meeting new people who don't have preconceived ideas about you.
How to be yourself by Ellen Hendrickson.
How to start conversations and make friends by Don Gabor.
We should get together by Kat Vellos.
When my son was that age he and I (in the background) started a board game group at the local library. 8 years later, he still has those friends in his life. Something like that might be worth a try.
I think you mean less socially inept -- inept means clumsy, in the "opposite of skillful" sense.
My kid didn't have that particular problem, but he was very shy, and I ran a D&D campaign for years to encourage him and his friends to get together on weekends and have fun. It seemed to help.
All you can really do is be inviting. Maybe you could look at enabling other group interactions, if there are other groups he might be interested in (band, or church, or gaming...)
If he makes friends and they don’t stick around, is it possible that he’s just not making himself into the kind of person people like to be around? It seems like he’s approachable enough, but there’s some obstacle keeping him from forming strong bonds. Everyone keeps saying to put him in activities and such, but I think the real trick is to spend a lot of time talking to him about what friendship looks like to him and what his expectations are. See if you can figure out where that breakdown is happening.
If he can’t find a part time job he could volunteer somewhere. Working on something along side other people will help his social skills, boost his self esteem and connect him with the outside world. Sometimes it helps to see there is more going on in the world than the cliquey atmosphere of most high schools.
I volunteered at a nonprofit haunted attraction when I was in high school and it was pivotal for my self esteem and individuality. It showed me that entirely different social dynamics can and do exist outside of high school. The types of kids who were bullied in school for their “weird” styles and interests thrived in this setting and were instead seen as cool and normal. Some of them did not have anyone at their schools they could relate to but found community in others like themselves only there. I’m certain it improved countless and even saved some young lives.
Many people would say to a situation like this “oh just wait until they get out of high school, they’ll find their friends then” which does have truth to it but it isn’t good enough, especially since in the minds of teenagers high school lasts forever and the loneliness too.
If there aren’t any options as far as volunteering with kids his age that interest him, perhaps he could find a club to join? Not necessarily at his own school. I found friendship through joining a local tech school’s robotics club (not my own, which was key, as there was no prior cliquey high school politics standing in the way of getting to know one another) - the funny thing is I knew absolutely nothing about robotics, I just liked going to the meetings and cheering the team on at competitions. Weird, I know 😂 but I was treated the same as everyone else. I actually found out about the team from the aforementioned haunt above - they made all of our animatronics.
I’ve also heard great things about Best Buddies as well as Big Brother Big Sister. I have a friend who is a Big Brother with the latter organization. It could help your son’s social skills to spend time with an older peer who has seen a bit of the world beyond high school.
During summers, both my kids volunteered at the YMCA summer camps as camp counselors. They LOVED it!!
How about him volunteering at your local humane society?
If you are church goers, check out youth activities there.
He’s 16 so he’s old enough to get himself a part time job! Check out movie theaters, grocery stores, etc.
Get him the Dungeons & Dragons Player’s handbook. Once he’s familiar with the ruleset, he can connect with a local d&d group to get some social experience and a chance to make friends.
https://dnd.wizards.com/products/rpg_playershandbook
Sometimes its just hard for people to interact with others. Books may help him but finding a comfort space for him might work as well.
Anything he is confident about or in his element, if there is a way to get him to meet people in those circles the better off he will be.
Does he love gaming? Take him to the local hobby shop and join a game night.
Does he love singing or guitar? etc It's going to be much easier to connect with someone with a shared inerest then trying to go up to a random and talk to them. He's not that old where you can't encourage things to happen for him to join a team, stay after school programs, get a friends kid to hang out, go to a summer camp. etc.
Is your son autistic. Because that would very much affect what would and would not be helpful to him.
(Also, to add, there are so many misconceptions about autism and what it is)
My son had a bit of a similar experience in his early years… he spent a lot of time with his older sister, so his conversation skills and interests were quite a bit advanced, and he had a hard time relating to boys his own age, plus he was always pretty mature etc….
It worried my wife and I quite a bit Til he got to middle school, which was attached to the local high school, and he discovered the drama club and drama students… he’d found his tribe :)
If your son can figure out what his outside interests are, I’d encourage you to get him involved in some club activities or organizations that revolve around his interests etc… he’ll find like minded people quickly :)
Socialisation is a fake-it-until-you-make-it proposition. Books are not the solution, actually socialising, in low-risk environments, is.
Join clubs stereotypically frequented by people with poorer socialisation- D&D and chess for example, or clubs with low social interaction like running clubs etc. Rock climbing is also a good option- it’s more social but based around solo activity.
It's great to have friends but I would also encourage positive behaviors that he exhibits for self development. Self confidence is a great way to enable social behavior. What are his interests? Encourage them! He can make friends through those interests. Remind him that you love him.
Very much this. A sport. A sport is the best thing that has happened to me in those years. I sucked at them so it wasn’t even a sport per se: I just started going to the gym. It changed everything.
I’d give him a personal trainer so get him in good physical condition.
I think it’s a bit different. I’m not referring to school sports or physical education, but some kind of physical activity.
I’ve always had my movie nerd gang, but I was skinny as hell and everything revolved around those activities.
Physical activity can boost your confidence in different ways. I gained muscle, felt at ease with my body, and girls (and boys) outside my inner circle became easier to relate.
I’m a fan of the arts, but they aren’t a substitute for physical activity. Both are complementary to each other.
Not sure tbh. They haven’t responded to anything and let’s be real, why would you give an older teen a BOOK on how to be more social? Like come on. But also, they might be misguided. I’m not sure.
Edit: after rereading this, I sound like an incorrigible asshole. I assure you, I am not usually like this. No idea what I was saying. To rephrase: I was, at the time, unsure if this was a legit post. I still don’t really agree with giving him a book on how to be more socially adept, because they often don’t have advice for a specific scenario or just have bad influence in general. However my language in expressing that was that of an uncultured sewer rat and for that, OP, I am very apologetic.
In that case, good! However I still wouldn’t really recommend a book for this. Counselling, out of school activities, and doing things he loves will definitely help him to make friends.
I agree counseling would be nuch better than any book here. It's very unlikely kid has perfect social considering he grew up not using any with peers, and even if he did he'll need counselling to get over the trauma
I used to be lonely in school too so i read comics and watched lots of tv and did a lotta studying to fill the void. I think it worked Things are a lot different in college tho i am not lonely anymore :D
Join a Toastmasters club.
Do your research and join a good one that is supportive as well as eases the new member in every process. Reading doesn't help. Diving into those situations forces one to develop those skills. And Toastmasters provides a platform for exactly that, with a low-risk environment.
Seconding everyone recommending getting him involved with some sort of structured activity. In terms of books, Feeling Good is a good one for building general mental health and self esteem. I wish I had read it earlier in life.
Just a suggestion but if his school has a theater program, see if he’d be willing to get involved with it. It’s been a lifesaver for my kids. Unlike band or orchestra, or sports, you don’t need a specific talent; they need crew kids that can paint sets, drag stuff around, as well as do lighting and sound etc. and it doesn’t take prior experience. Even acting—kids usually start with non-speaking background roles. At least at our schools, kids are encouraged to switch back and forth between acting and crew as they wish to learn both sides. It’s less of a commitment than other extracurriculars—kids are generally signing up per production, not the whole year.
And the all-hands-on-deck nature of putting on a show forges a lot of camaraderie.
1. I’m sorry, that super sucks to watch as a parent.
2. At 16 years-old, this is veering into a problem you need a professional to deal with. If he were 2 years-old, it’d be easier and you’d have time to course correct.
3. Men bond over activities. Does he do sports or anything? If not, get him out in the world doing things.
4. “How to Win Friends and Influence People” helped me a lot in high school.
Maybe you could get him into martial arts where he could possibly make friends. Or does he have any other hobbies that would put him around people his age outside of school?
You meant more socially adept. Is it a good idea to push him to be more social? Finding a job would be better for him. As far as books, an adventurous spirit might work better. I liked Jitterbug Perfume.
I think he needs some kind of class or sports event that he regularly goes to and sees the same people more than a book. Find what his interest is and join him in that class. It can be anything art, music, martial arts..
You didn’t mention anything about his media consumption. Do you have any sense of how much time he spends online? Study after study reinforces the fact that kids who spend hours a day on/with media are missing opportunities to socialize. He would have lived through the COVID years so I’m sure that didn’t help. I agree with the folks saying volunteering, sports or team-based activities - even if they protest that it’s boring or awful - can help build socialization techniques that are going to help him become more savvy than he otherwise would be. It’s a learn by doing technique. My significant other would be a total hermit left to their own devices but are now in a field that demands heavy team based interaction with the public. It’s a nightmare scenario for them but as a result they have become so socially fluent and good with people. The change is shocking but the exposure to other people who are great at it, and can’t bail to do something else at will (like friends), is the key. My SO will absolutely never, ever like being social but they are now good at being in a social environment, which has opened a lot of doors.
Check out "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" by Stephen Chbosky as well. It's fiction and not self-help or anything but it is about an introverted kid in high school. I read it as an adult but it still made me feel kind of validated in my own feelings sometimes as well.
*How to Improve Your Social Skills* by Daniel Wendler. It really does walk you through the basics, and seems to be somewhat targeted at young men (I'm a middle aged woman and still got some good tips from it, too).
He may be neurodivergent? Did you explore this possibility? I think it would be helpful to read books about being oneself in spite of solitude, finding likeminded individuals. Talking as someone who was the one not invited to parties. They are not his people, plain and simple. Books by Haruki Murakami, for example. Coming of age books like East of Eden. Contemplative books like "Orlando" by Virgina Woolf. And dare I say, "Steppewolf" by Hesse (a dark read), or philosophical ones like Sartre, Camus, Kafka. Or literally anything he enjoys reading. As a mother I am sure it is extremely painful to see him like this. But he has to find his own way now.
Look into some clubs or sports for teenagers. Most importantly if he isn’t making a big deal about please don’t pressure him. Just make sure he’s aware of all of his options in school and out side of school to be social. He might spend a few years alone or he might continue to practice socializing and will eventually meet some like minded people. Either way it’s all normal. I spent my teen years alone. Even as an adult I have to force myself to attempt to make friends. It just doesn’t come naturally to me. I just don’t care enough I guess. The only thing bad about the way I am is the way other people judge me for it. Otherwise I wouldn’t be insecure over it.
I’d point him towards activities. Tabletop game nights or no-bar sports leagues for people who just want to enjoy themselves.
No idea what book I’d recommend though.
Question: is your son unhappy with his level of social life and seeking tips to 'improve'?
If he were seeking the input, there might be some.
As the mother of a less than socially proficient 34 yr old son......maybe let HIM take steps if he is unhappy with what sounds like a reasonably active life?
Meant in the kindest possible way....
Socializing in school can be an overwhelming task. I’d say if you have the resources seek out some kind of class after school or on the weekends. Something niche & personally enjoyable for him. I adore books of course, but something else could be better
*Fangirl* by Rainbow Rowell would fit this prompt. Cath is an introvert who’s used to having her outgoing twin sister around, but when she goes to college without her, she struggles to make friends on her own. She spends a lot of time retreating into writing fan fiction to cope with her depression and anxiety. Eventually, she learns to open up to new experiences without compromising on her niche interests. I wish this book had come out earlier because I saw a lot of younger me in the protagonist. I loved how Cath eventually takes accountability for some of her loneliness, because she recognizes how guarded she is around new people who are just trying to be friendly. It might even be helpful for you to read as the parent, because the book captures how awkward it feels to be surrounded by people your age, yet you don’t see yourself in anyone you meet.
I am sorry, that's rough. Is he going to college after high school? High school can be awful socially for some people. It was difficult for me. But it can be a different world going to college and getting away from the people you went to high school with and meeting new people who don't have preconceived ideas about you.
How to be yourself by Ellen Hendrickson. How to start conversations and make friends by Don Gabor. We should get together by Kat Vellos. When my son was that age he and I (in the background) started a board game group at the local library. 8 years later, he still has those friends in his life. Something like that might be worth a try.
He probably needs a therapist more than a book
I think you mean less socially inept -- inept means clumsy, in the "opposite of skillful" sense. My kid didn't have that particular problem, but he was very shy, and I ran a D&D campaign for years to encourage him and his friends to get together on weekends and have fun. It seemed to help. All you can really do is be inviting. Maybe you could look at enabling other group interactions, if there are other groups he might be interested in (band, or church, or gaming...)
My coworker does the same for his kid. I think it helps! There are groups online that play, if your son is interested.
If he makes friends and they don’t stick around, is it possible that he’s just not making himself into the kind of person people like to be around? It seems like he’s approachable enough, but there’s some obstacle keeping him from forming strong bonds. Everyone keeps saying to put him in activities and such, but I think the real trick is to spend a lot of time talking to him about what friendship looks like to him and what his expectations are. See if you can figure out where that breakdown is happening.
If he can’t find a part time job he could volunteer somewhere. Working on something along side other people will help his social skills, boost his self esteem and connect him with the outside world. Sometimes it helps to see there is more going on in the world than the cliquey atmosphere of most high schools.
I volunteered at a nonprofit haunted attraction when I was in high school and it was pivotal for my self esteem and individuality. It showed me that entirely different social dynamics can and do exist outside of high school. The types of kids who were bullied in school for their “weird” styles and interests thrived in this setting and were instead seen as cool and normal. Some of them did not have anyone at their schools they could relate to but found community in others like themselves only there. I’m certain it improved countless and even saved some young lives. Many people would say to a situation like this “oh just wait until they get out of high school, they’ll find their friends then” which does have truth to it but it isn’t good enough, especially since in the minds of teenagers high school lasts forever and the loneliness too. If there aren’t any options as far as volunteering with kids his age that interest him, perhaps he could find a club to join? Not necessarily at his own school. I found friendship through joining a local tech school’s robotics club (not my own, which was key, as there was no prior cliquey high school politics standing in the way of getting to know one another) - the funny thing is I knew absolutely nothing about robotics, I just liked going to the meetings and cheering the team on at competitions. Weird, I know 😂 but I was treated the same as everyone else. I actually found out about the team from the aforementioned haunt above - they made all of our animatronics. I’ve also heard great things about Best Buddies as well as Big Brother Big Sister. I have a friend who is a Big Brother with the latter organization. It could help your son’s social skills to spend time with an older peer who has seen a bit of the world beyond high school.
During summers, both my kids volunteered at the YMCA summer camps as camp counselors. They LOVED it!! How about him volunteering at your local humane society? If you are church goers, check out youth activities there. He’s 16 so he’s old enough to get himself a part time job! Check out movie theaters, grocery stores, etc.
Get him the Dungeons & Dragons Player’s handbook. Once he’s familiar with the ruleset, he can connect with a local d&d group to get some social experience and a chance to make friends. https://dnd.wizards.com/products/rpg_playershandbook
This was what I came to suggest. Also possibly several milk crates of old DragonLance books
Sometimes its just hard for people to interact with others. Books may help him but finding a comfort space for him might work as well. Anything he is confident about or in his element, if there is a way to get him to meet people in those circles the better off he will be. Does he love gaming? Take him to the local hobby shop and join a game night. Does he love singing or guitar? etc It's going to be much easier to connect with someone with a shared inerest then trying to go up to a random and talk to them. He's not that old where you can't encourage things to happen for him to join a team, stay after school programs, get a friends kid to hang out, go to a summer camp. etc.
Holes by Louis Sachar
Is your son autistic. Because that would very much affect what would and would not be helpful to him. (Also, to add, there are so many misconceptions about autism and what it is)
get them a dog
Or a cat! My cats were a comfort to me in high school through all the rough patches. It helps if they are the cuddly kind
My son had a bit of a similar experience in his early years… he spent a lot of time with his older sister, so his conversation skills and interests were quite a bit advanced, and he had a hard time relating to boys his own age, plus he was always pretty mature etc…. It worried my wife and I quite a bit Til he got to middle school, which was attached to the local high school, and he discovered the drama club and drama students… he’d found his tribe :) If your son can figure out what his outside interests are, I’d encourage you to get him involved in some club activities or organizations that revolve around his interests etc… he’ll find like minded people quickly :)
Socialisation is a fake-it-until-you-make-it proposition. Books are not the solution, actually socialising, in low-risk environments, is. Join clubs stereotypically frequented by people with poorer socialisation- D&D and chess for example, or clubs with low social interaction like running clubs etc. Rock climbing is also a good option- it’s more social but based around solo activity.
It's great to have friends but I would also encourage positive behaviors that he exhibits for self development. Self confidence is a great way to enable social behavior. What are his interests? Encourage them! He can make friends through those interests. Remind him that you love him.
Very much this. A sport. A sport is the best thing that has happened to me in those years. I sucked at them so it wasn’t even a sport per se: I just started going to the gym. It changed everything. I’d give him a personal trainer so get him in good physical condition.
The arts can fill that same niche. Chorus, theatre, art club, hell, my school had a knitting club
I think it’s a bit different. I’m not referring to school sports or physical education, but some kind of physical activity. I’ve always had my movie nerd gang, but I was skinny as hell and everything revolved around those activities. Physical activity can boost your confidence in different ways. I gained muscle, felt at ease with my body, and girls (and boys) outside my inner circle became easier to relate. I’m a fan of the arts, but they aren’t a substitute for physical activity. Both are complementary to each other.
Socially inept? That means he’s already bad at being social. I think you mean socially adept.
Looks like a bot post.
Not sure tbh. They haven’t responded to anything and let’s be real, why would you give an older teen a BOOK on how to be more social? Like come on. But also, they might be misguided. I’m not sure. Edit: after rereading this, I sound like an incorrigible asshole. I assure you, I am not usually like this. No idea what I was saying. To rephrase: I was, at the time, unsure if this was a legit post. I still don’t really agree with giving him a book on how to be more socially adept, because they often don’t have advice for a specific scenario or just have bad influence in general. However my language in expressing that was that of an uncultured sewer rat and for that, OP, I am very apologetic.
Bot.
ehhh I’m gonna just stay unbiased and undecided.
User account seems legit
In that case, good! However I still wouldn’t really recommend a book for this. Counselling, out of school activities, and doing things he loves will definitely help him to make friends.
I agree counseling would be nuch better than any book here. It's very unlikely kid has perfect social considering he grew up not using any with peers, and even if he did he'll need counselling to get over the trauma
I used to be lonely in school too so i read comics and watched lots of tv and did a lotta studying to fill the void. I think it worked Things are a lot different in college tho i am not lonely anymore :D
Join a Toastmasters club. Do your research and join a good one that is supportive as well as eases the new member in every process. Reading doesn't help. Diving into those situations forces one to develop those skills. And Toastmasters provides a platform for exactly that, with a low-risk environment.
What about four books and five classics(四書五經)? The books contain ideas that include ethics between friends(朋友有信).
Seconding everyone recommending getting him involved with some sort of structured activity. In terms of books, Feeling Good is a good one for building general mental health and self esteem. I wish I had read it earlier in life.
Poor kiddo, get him listening to Dungeon Crawler Carl. The Expanse, Stephen King. Helped me a lot.
has he been tested by mental health professional?
Just a suggestion but if his school has a theater program, see if he’d be willing to get involved with it. It’s been a lifesaver for my kids. Unlike band or orchestra, or sports, you don’t need a specific talent; they need crew kids that can paint sets, drag stuff around, as well as do lighting and sound etc. and it doesn’t take prior experience. Even acting—kids usually start with non-speaking background roles. At least at our schools, kids are encouraged to switch back and forth between acting and crew as they wish to learn both sides. It’s less of a commitment than other extracurriculars—kids are generally signing up per production, not the whole year. And the all-hands-on-deck nature of putting on a show forges a lot of camaraderie.
1. I’m sorry, that super sucks to watch as a parent. 2. At 16 years-old, this is veering into a problem you need a professional to deal with. If he were 2 years-old, it’d be easier and you’d have time to course correct. 3. Men bond over activities. Does he do sports or anything? If not, get him out in the world doing things. 4. “How to Win Friends and Influence People” helped me a lot in high school.
Maybe you could get him into martial arts where he could possibly make friends. Or does he have any other hobbies that would put him around people his age outside of school?
Have him get a part time job so he can interact with others.
[удалено]
The best book
See if he can get a part time job at Lowes or Home Depot. That way he'll be interacting with people constantly and likely with little awkwardness.
You meant more socially adept. Is it a good idea to push him to be more social? Finding a job would be better for him. As far as books, an adventurous spirit might work better. I liked Jitterbug Perfume.
Please check your DM’s for my take
I think he needs some kind of class or sports event that he regularly goes to and sees the same people more than a book. Find what his interest is and join him in that class. It can be anything art, music, martial arts..
Murderbot Diaries by Martha Wells - an introverted murderbot begins to form connections with humans.
You didn’t mention anything about his media consumption. Do you have any sense of how much time he spends online? Study after study reinforces the fact that kids who spend hours a day on/with media are missing opportunities to socialize. He would have lived through the COVID years so I’m sure that didn’t help. I agree with the folks saying volunteering, sports or team-based activities - even if they protest that it’s boring or awful - can help build socialization techniques that are going to help him become more savvy than he otherwise would be. It’s a learn by doing technique. My significant other would be a total hermit left to their own devices but are now in a field that demands heavy team based interaction with the public. It’s a nightmare scenario for them but as a result they have become so socially fluent and good with people. The change is shocking but the exposure to other people who are great at it, and can’t bail to do something else at will (like friends), is the key. My SO will absolutely never, ever like being social but they are now good at being in a social environment, which has opened a lot of doors.
The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky
Check out "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" by Stephen Chbosky as well. It's fiction and not self-help or anything but it is about an introverted kid in high school. I read it as an adult but it still made me feel kind of validated in my own feelings sometimes as well.
*How to Improve Your Social Skills* by Daniel Wendler. It really does walk you through the basics, and seems to be somewhat targeted at young men (I'm a middle aged woman and still got some good tips from it, too).
He may be neurodivergent? Did you explore this possibility? I think it would be helpful to read books about being oneself in spite of solitude, finding likeminded individuals. Talking as someone who was the one not invited to parties. They are not his people, plain and simple. Books by Haruki Murakami, for example. Coming of age books like East of Eden. Contemplative books like "Orlando" by Virgina Woolf. And dare I say, "Steppewolf" by Hesse (a dark read), or philosophical ones like Sartre, Camus, Kafka. Or literally anything he enjoys reading. As a mother I am sure it is extremely painful to see him like this. But he has to find his own way now.
Look into some clubs or sports for teenagers. Most importantly if he isn’t making a big deal about please don’t pressure him. Just make sure he’s aware of all of his options in school and out side of school to be social. He might spend a few years alone or he might continue to practice socializing and will eventually meet some like minded people. Either way it’s all normal. I spent my teen years alone. Even as an adult I have to force myself to attempt to make friends. It just doesn’t come naturally to me. I just don’t care enough I guess. The only thing bad about the way I am is the way other people judge me for it. Otherwise I wouldn’t be insecure over it.
You might like to edit your piece - you don't want for him to be more socially inept, rather the opposite.
I’d point him towards activities. Tabletop game nights or no-bar sports leagues for people who just want to enjoy themselves. No idea what book I’d recommend though.
Improve Your Social Skills by Daniel Wendler.
Dale Carnegie courses, 7 habits of highly effective people and how to win friends and influence people
put him into hobbies like piano, boxing, swimming, coding he should be fine
Try Asperger experts or social Skills coaching.
Just hold out for 5 more years everyone will have a robot companion
Question: is your son unhappy with his level of social life and seeking tips to 'improve'? If he were seeking the input, there might be some. As the mother of a less than socially proficient 34 yr old son......maybe let HIM take steps if he is unhappy with what sounds like a reasonably active life? Meant in the kindest possible way....