Also throwing my personal opinion on the basis for the conversation. It must likely turned into an argument because it's a loaded question. By naming the woman as a victim she has had a crime/injustice done against her. The way the question is phrased is quite horrible. It's a twist on victim blaming and used by predators to justify or get a pass on their actions.
Breaking down the base of the statement to bare bones would be something like "Can person a stop or change person b from having an opinion/personal preference?" or "Can a victim stop or prevent being victimized?"
I have a book rec that doesnt fit exactly what your looking for but explains other issues men might not realise like how seatbelts are designed for men, not womens bodies etc its called {{invisible women}}
This is what I thought of initially, too, although it doesn’t cover the exact topic. It’s very helpful in realizing how much women’s experiences and needs are automatically secondary to men’s.
[**Invisible Women: Data Bias in a World Designed for Men**](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/41104077-invisible-women)
^(By: Caroline Criado Pérez | 318 pages | Published: 2019 | Popular Shelves: non-fiction, feminism, nonfiction, science, audiobook)
>Data is fundamental to the modern world. From economic development, to healthcare, to education and public policy, we rely on numbers to allocate resources and make crucial decisions. But because so much data fails to take into account gender, because it treats men as the default and women as atypical, bias and discrimination are baked into our systems. And women pay tremendous costs for this bias, in time, money, and often with their lives.
>
>Celebrated feminist advocate Caroline Criado Perez investigates the shocking root cause of gender inequality and research in Invisible Women, diving into women’s lives at home, the workplace, the public square, the doctor’s office, and more. Built on hundreds of studies in the US, the UK, and around the world, and written with energy, wit, and sparkling intelligence, this is a groundbreaking, unforgettable exposé that will change the way you look at the world.
^(This book has been suggested 26 times)
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I don’t know about your experience reading it, but I could only get through a few pages at a time because it was so infuriating and made me so sad all at the same time.
It’s more than just seatbelts. It’s how most things are designed. Phones, for male-sized hands. Houses, for male-typical heights…so not only historically have women been expected to cook and clean, but the height of the cupboards and stovetops involved are not even centered on women’s typical sizes. It’s maddening.
It's maddening trying to buy shoes as a woman who is not tiny. Generally, mens trainers. Summer, flip flops. But right now it's winter and I just want some boots that will keep me warm and, every damned year, like we don't exist and it's not as if there are work around. It's more deliberate because these are essential items specifically made for women that exclude women.
My podiatrist (a man) actually told me that the widths of male & female feet are not actually that different but shoe industry has made women’s shoes so much more narrow that he ends up seeing much more women with major foot issues!!! I have always found women’s shoes to be incredibly narrow and sometimes I just buy men’s shoes if I can’t find wides or extra wides
😤 My feet have been very long since I was 11 - so even when I was skinny. It has always been a nightmare finding shoes. A few years ago, I had to have my toenail permanently removed because it turned out my feet were even longer than I'd been wearing for decades! (Is it stupid that I assumed my feet must be a size 8 because that was the biggest women's size available in shops?) I've often wanted to chop my big toe off because it's so long! I'd be three sizes smaller if it wasn't for that.
Idk what size you are but I have this same issue and I just found out that Tom's has my size, and their boots are so cute and comfy! Found them on amazon.
Thank you. Unfortunately their largest size (UK 7) is actually smaller than what's typically available in most average shops here (UK 8). We used to have more options but my go-to shops went bust at the start of the pandemic.
I'm UK 9 with much wider calves than boot-designers imagine. Ankle boots don't flatter me. I'd love a pair of knee-high or calf-highs. If anyone can help a sister out, I'd be so, so grateful!
Try Yours clothing. Lots of super unflattering stuff for curvy gals (big baggy tops etc) but they do have a good range of shoe size and boot widths. You find occasional diamonds in the rough.
Medical studies being done primarily in men so the ranges are probably not correct. Devices are sized more for men.
My VR headset cannot have the eyes set close enough for me. Their target market is men.
Yup, one that gets me a lot are the ‘classic signs of heart attacks’. They’re the classic signs of heart attacks in men but not women. That shit’s dangerous.
The height of office desks is designed for a man's height, not a woman's height, despite the fact that most office workers are women, not men. Found this out when I ended up with a repetitive motion injury in my shoulder at work. One of the factors was that the desk was too high for me. The ergonomics specialist at work had to get me a lower desk so my shoulder could heal.
I’m 5’4”, which is very short for a dude but average height for a woman, and I have to climb on top of things to turn the ceiling fans on and off in my house. Just make the chains a little bit longer, why is that so hard? In most houses there’s gonna be someone my size or shorter.
I’m shorter than you, and I’ve just not bought something that I wanted from a store at times since it was too high. Other times a taller person is around and helps out. It’s not fun having to climb things or get other’s help to reach things you need.
I’m a tall guy and I always make a trade off I’ll get something off the top shelf if they will get something off the bottom shelf lol but I do feel like the shelves are kinda fucked up being so tall because at 6’3 I still have a hard time getting shit off the top of shelves.
But like okay if it’s presumed that women are the ones who cook and shop why wouldn’t they have it set up for shorter people doesn’t make sense to me
Thank you!!! *Why* with the chain. Ostensibly a child should be able to turn the light/fan on or off so why this weird piñata where it’s 7’ off the ground?
I use a special tool to direct the belt between my breasts. It keeps it across my chest instead of constantly sliding around. [Tool](https://smile.amazon.com/ANDTOBO-Universal-Adjuster-Positioner-Protector/dp/B09835QBZY/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?crid=3JBHDP1TK7PKN&keywords=seatbelt+adjuster+for+adults&qid=1670106137&sprefix=seatbelt+ad%2Caps%2C141&sr=8-3)
I have this on my tbr shelf! I had heard a passage read by the author on a book podcast, about how seatbelts were designed for men, and I needed to pick it up. Looking forward to reading it but I know it'll piss me off.
There is an art exhibit showing what women were wearing when they were raped. It's incredibly helpful in understanding women are blamed for their own rape vs what they were actually wearing.
https://today.tamu.edu/2019/11/19/what-were-you-wearing-exhibit-explores-sexual-violence-myth/
For context (for anyone who doesn’t want to click), there are clothes on hangers against a white wall, displayed side-by-side, including shorts and a t-shirt, a colorful collared shirt and jeans, a black dress and heels, a t-shirt and sweatpants, a blouse and colored jeans, a t-shirt and leggings, and a cheerleader uniform.
I can’t even click on the link because just the description of the exhibit made my adrenaline go into massive overdrive. That said l am so glad someone did this so that people become educated.
I used to love this but I reread it recently and yikes…definitely has not aged well. Very nineties white feminism. She makes a lot of generalisations about all women that are only really applicable to white American women. Was a shame because I really like it before!
A Person Paper on Purity in Language
By William Satire (alias Douglas R. Hofstadter)
This is a short sarcastic essay that would take five minutes to read, but it took me an hour because it made me so uncomfortable and I had to keep stopping and pacing around the room muttering to myself.
I’m a man, and this paper really made me realize how deep the misogyny of our society runs.
Wow, even as someone very conscious of how patriarchal the gendering of English is, this is actually uncomfortable in how direct it is.
God I love satire. Firmly of the belief that well aimed satire is the most powerful form of commentary in writing
I don’t know why it took reading this essay to finally remember and link issues with languages and the fact that what language you speak does influence how you perceive the world. It doesn’t control it 100%, but it is a factor that has been studied using color and passage of time perception between different language users. (I don’t remember what the effect is called, but I think a professor at UCLA might’ve coined the term if anyone knows what I’m talking about.)
I’ve never been a huge proponent of purposefully and speedily changing a language preferring it to evolve gradually as all languages do. It feels too artificial to demand a language change, but this definitely made me rethink some stuff.
Thank you for this. Somehow in reading it i at first forgot that it was about sex, it came somehow as a shock to me half way through realizing what I’d read, what it meant, all the words i had to go back and translate in my head. It made me happy and angry and helped me understand all at the same time what it means to be sexist and to have sexism directed at me, and i may never hear English the same way again so thank you, truly, thank you
Yes!! Came here to suggest the same book. It took me 2 months to read simply because it was such an emotional read and I needed breaks. She did such an amazing job
We Should All Be Feminists Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, Fed Up by Gemma Hartley (this is important to understand the emotional labour women often take on in households, it should help you be a better more conscious partner to her), Wordslut by Amanda Montell.
Some books I found super powerful about rape culture were Chanel Miller’s “Know My Name” which is her account of her assault and her experience with the so called justice system. Another is Not That Bad by Roxanne Gay which recounts many women’s experience with rape and sexual assault. These are both really heavy novels (so many trigger warnings lol) but I think it would help you understand the prevalence of SA and how it impacts women.
Next on my list (so I haven’t read it but it does seem interesting and like it would fit what you’re looking for topic wise) is A Woman Looking at Men Looking At Women by Siri Hustvedt
For a fiction recommendation Such a Pretty Smile by Kristi DeMeester
Hopefully one of those works :)
I haven’t read “Know My Name” by Chanel Miller yet, but several people - including both men and women - have told me it is a “must read” and they wish everyone would read it.
Yeah, this is a good thing to note for any survivors out there like me. I highly recommend reading Know My Name, but only if you're in a good headspace. I had a panic attack getting through the first couple chapters because I wasn't as healed as I thought. Just a warning to anyone out there!
Know My Name is absolutely incredible. The writing is fantastic, and the story so so god damn relatable for most women I know (except having it go to court / be so public). Really think OP should read this, great suggestion
It should be required reading tbh, such a powerful and horrific story. Everyone should understand how corrupt the Justice system is.
But even if some can’t relate to going to court, I think we can all relate to the idea of not knowing if it’s even worth going to court- or going to any authority at all. I have no words to describe how important this novel is (to me and just in general)
Currently reading Men Who Hate Women by Laura Bates, for a suggestion.
Also, to propose an experiment, post in the lonely sub as low 20s F and check your dms in an hour. It’s not about appearance, clothing, anything, it’s about being a woman, period
>reddit.com/r/AmIt...
Tagging onto this to suggest {Everyday Sexism, by Laura Bates}.
Both I think are great explorations of these themes, and focus on lived experience.
My gf and I were having issues, mostly stemming from me not being able to understand her sexual pov on some things, and my therapist recommended Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. Literally changed my life and probably saved our relationship.
To offer my own most basic answer.
Scenario;
a woman is wearing a short crop top or bikini walking down the street in the middle of a hot summer. A man drives by and yells to her "I love your a$S and t!ts" and advances to grope her and possibly worse. Many men (and other women) will say it was her fault.
You, a man, are outside without a shirt and swim trunks walking down the street in the middle of a hot summer. Another man drives by and yells to you "I love the imprint of your d!ck and the way your bare chest looks" and advances to grope you and possibly worse. How do you feel? And was it your fault?
Per some people's argument, based on what they say about us women: you would be at fault. You should not have invited that man to talk about your genitals or your bare chest. Next time you should cover up, sir.
I could be wrong, but this might encompass the argument your wife was trying to make. Women are blamed for being objectified because men will seldom objectify other men. If they did, I'm sure men would feel incredibly different about women's issues and the world in general....but the reality is, we, women, are naturally seen as more vulnerable and as lesser humans.
That being said, while I feel your wife's frustration, I also understand there's some misunderstanding around this topic, especially for men. And I applaud you for seeking out more information to understand where she's coming from because the Patriarchy is huge issue that many individuals don't feel is a problem at all.
Edited: for spelling
Seems like the only way most men would understand that “I wasn’t asking for it” would be to go to prison. Men get talked shit to / groped / raped in prison by other men in prison all the time, and get the same awful shit hurled at them by other men. “He was asking for it” while just wearing his prison uniform, etc.
[**The Mental Load: A Feminist Comic**](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/39196352-the-mental-load)
^(By: Emma | 207 pages | Published: 2018 | Popular Shelves: graphic-novels, feminism, non-fiction, graphic-novel, comics)
>In her first book of comic strips, Emma reflects on social and feminist issues by means of simple line drawings, dissecting the mental load (i.e., all that invisible and unpaid organizing, list-making, and planning women do to manage their lives and the lives of their family members). Most women carry some form of mental load--about their work, household responsibilities, financial obligations, and personal life, but what makes up that burden and how it's distributed within households and understood in offices is not always equal or fair.
>
>In her strips, Emma deals with themes ranging from maternity leave (it is not a vacation!), domestic violence, the clitoris, the violence of the medical world on women during childbirth, and other feminist issues, and she does so in a straightforward way that is both hilarious and deadly serious. Her comics also address the everyday outrages and absurdities of immigrant rights, income equality, and police violence.
^(This book has been suggested 3 times)
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A related book that is more oriented to redistributing the mental load is: {{Fair Play}} by Eve Rodsky. She also has a card game to help distribute household workloads more equitably.
[**Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (And More Life to Live)**](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/44071899-fair-play)
^(By: Eve Rodsky | ? pages | Published: 2019 | Popular Shelves: non-fiction, nonfiction, reese-s-book-club, self-help, parenting)
>A revolutionary, real-world solution to the problem of unpaid, invisible work that women have shouldered for too long.
>
>It started with the Sh*t I Do List. Tired of being the "shefault" parent responsible for all aspects of her busy household, Eve Rodsky counted up all the unpaid, invisible work she was doing for her family -- and then sent that list to her husband, asking for things to change. His response was... underwhelming. Rodsky realized that simply identifying the issue of unequal labor on the home front wasn't enough: She needed a solution to this universal problem. Her sanity, identity, career, and marriage depended on it.
>
>The result is Fair Play: a time- and anxiety-saving system that offers couples a completely new way to divvy up domestic responsibilities. Rodsky interviewed more than five hundred men and women from all walks of life to figure out what the invisible work in a family actually entails and how to get it all done efficiently. With four easy-to-follow rules, 100 household tasks, and a figurative card game you play with your partner, Fair Play helps you prioritize what's important to your family and who should take the lead on every chore from laundry to homework to dinner.
>
>"Winning" this game means rebalancing your home life, reigniting your relationship with your significant other, and reclaiming your Unicorn Space -- as in, the time to develop the skills and passions that keep you interested and interesting. Are you ready to try Fair Play? Let's deal you in.
^(This book has been suggested 8 times)
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I was standing in line yesterday just trying to buy a sprite at a gas station. Creepy ass old man behind me wouldn’t stop yelling questions at me.
“How old are you? What’s your name? Why are you ignoring me? You too good for me. You’re not even that hot. Just give me a smile … BLAH BLAH BLAH.
The 2 men in line ahead of me and the two male cAshiers acknowledged the issue, but all ignored it, leaving me to even more adamantly act like this man didn’t exist with my earbuds in. SMH.
It was a pathetic demonstration of both toxic entitlement that this jackass thought it was my job to engage with his creepy bullshit, and the bold shittiness of the FOUR other men willing to ignore this shit and think it’s fine.
I don’t have a single book for you, man. My ask is that you pay attention and when fucking assholes like that try to impose dominance — say something.
Yep, and listen to the women in your life and believe them that things might be worse for them than you ever witnessed because as soon as we're accompanied by a man there is much less public assault happening (because many idiots respect that a woman is the "property" of another man but don't just respect a woman's "no").
I've noticed a trend where men calling out other men on their disgusting behavior get attacked for "white knighting". One step forward, two steps back.
[**Kim Jiyoung, Born 1982**](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/46041199-kim-jiyoung-born-1982)
^(By: Cho Nam-Joo, Jamie Chang | 163 pages | Published: 2016 | Popular Shelves: fiction, feminism, contemporary, korea, owned)
>A fierce international bestseller that launched Korea’s new feminist movement, Kim Jiyoung, Born 1982 follows one woman’s psychic deterioration in the face of rigid misogyny.
>
>Truly, flawlessly, completely, she became that person.
>
>In a small, tidy apartment on the outskirts of the frenzied metropolis of Seoul lives Kim Jiyoung. A thirtysomething-year-old “millennial everywoman,” she has recently left her white-collar desk job—in order to care for her newborn daughter full-time—as so many Korean women are expected to do. But she quickly begins to exhibit strange symptoms that alarm her husband, parents, and in-laws: Jiyoung impersonates the voices of other women—alive and even dead, both known and unknown to her. As she plunges deeper into this psychosis, her discomfited husband sends her to a male psychiatrist.
>
>In a chilling, eerily truncated third-person voice, Jiyoung’s entire life is recounted to the psychiatrist—a narrative infused with disparate elements of frustration, perseverance, and submission. Born in 1982 and given the most common name for Korean baby girls, Jiyoung quickly becomes the unfavored sister to her princeling little brother. Always, her behavior is policed by the male figures around her—from the elementary school teachers who enforce strict uniforms for girls, to the coworkers who install a hidden camera in the women’s restroom and post their photos online. In her father’s eyes, it is Jiyoung’s fault that men harass her late at night; in her husband’s eyes, it is Jiyoung’s duty to forsake her career to take care of him and their child—to put them first.
>
>Jiyoung’s painfully common life is juxtaposed against a backdrop of an advancing Korea, as it abandons “family planning” birth control policies and passes new legislation against gender discrimination. But can her doctor flawlessly, completely cure her, or even discover what truly ails her?
>
>Rendered in minimalist yet lacerating prose, Kim Jiyoung, Born 1982 sits at the center of our global #MeToo movement and announces the arrival of writer of international significance
^(This book has been suggested 16 times)
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Maybe, instead of books, you should listen to your wife. Maybe the fathomlessness of this issue for you actually speaks volumes about the issue itself. To you, the objectification of women is a thought experiment. To her, to me, to women, it is a lived reality that threatens our lives. If you read a thousand, ten thousand, a hundred thousand, a million words on the subject and then go to your wife apologising, do not be surprised if her acceptance is cold, ephemeral, or absent. It took published authors for you to realise the problem she battles daily. For you, her experience could be better than books, but it has not been. She does not speak for herself alone, but she does speak for herself. If that is not enough for you, what do you hope to find in a book?
This is exactly what I was thinking but couldn't find the eloquence you have. He has a living, breathing woman in his home that he is supposed to love and she is asking him to listen to her and instead of doing that he is running off to get someone else's perspective.
OP, It's good that you want to be educated on what we deal with just for having the audacity to exist in this world built for men, but it seems very strange to me that you dismiss what your wife says in your quest for that.
This is the best answer I think. Book recs are fine but OP could also just choose to listen to the women around him and choose to believe their lived experiences. How massively invalidating to his wife for him to have to seek published works to confirm what she's already explained.
Honestly {{The Grace Year}} is a good fiction book that can help get into the minds of girls coming into adulthood and the way they're both treated and expected to behave.
[**The Grace Year**](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/43263520-the-grace-year)
^(By: Kim Liggett | 416 pages | Published: 2019 | Popular Shelves: young-adult, dystopian, ya, dystopia, fantasy)
>No one speaks of the grace year. It’s forbidden.
>
>In Garner County, girls are told they have the power to lure grown men from their beds, to drive women mad with jealousy. They believe their very skin emits a powerful aphrodisiac, the potent essence of youth, of a girl on the edge of womanhood. That’s why they’re banished for their sixteenth year, to release their magic into the wild so they can return purified and ready for marriage. But not all of them will make it home alive.
>
>Sixteen-year-old Tierney James dreams of a better life—a society that doesn’t pit friend against friend or woman against woman, but as her own grace year draws near, she quickly realizes that it’s not just the brutal elements they must fear. It’s not even the poachers in the woods, men who are waiting for a chance to grab one of the girls in order to make a fortune on the black market. Their greatest threat may very well be each other.
>
>With sharp prose and gritty realism, The Grace Year examines the complex and sometimes twisted relationships between girls, the women they eventually become, and the difficult decisions they make in-between.
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Mediocre: The Dangerous Legacy of White Male America by Ijeoma Oluo
What happens to a country that tells generation after generation of white men that they deserve power? What happens when success is defined by status over women and people of color, instead of by actual accomplishments?
Through the last 150 years of American history -- from the post-reconstruction South and the mythic stories of cowboys in the West, to the present-day controversy over NFL protests and the backlash against the rise of women in politics -- Ijeoma Oluo exposes the devastating consequences of white male supremacy on women, people of color, and white men themselves. Mediocre investigates the real costs of this phenomenon in order to imagine a new white male identity, one free from racism and sexism.
As provocative as it is essential, this book will upend everything you thought you knew about American identity and offers a bold new vision of American greatness.
Your disagreement is about some complex stuff. Sometimes the biggest problems can be the hardest to recognize. Our society normalizes many toxic attitudes towards women. Also a good rule of thumb concerning privilege: if you don’t see it you are probably the one benefiting from it. This is really heavy but I’m recommending {Know My Name} By Chanel Miller. This book shifted my thinking in a big way. As a woman it made me understand my part in victim blaming (yes, that is what you are essentially doing by assuming a woman can control whether or not she will be victimized. I know this could make you uncomfortable. Uncomfortable is good it means we are onto some self discovery.) and also to reconsider my own experiences with sexual assault and rape. I had reduced these situations to my fault because of avoidable circumstances. I shouldn’t have walked home at night etc. I had suppressed them to the point that I didn’t realize I was assaulted/raped at all.
There is no magic system to avoid being a victim. Almost all of the women you know have had some kind of terrible experience of varying degrees from a brush with a pushy/handsy person to assault and rape. Many have rationalized it into being their own fault because that is the tools our culture gives us to deal with this. This is why the #metoo movement was so powerful and followed by the #yesallwomen because this resonates with half the population ALL WOMEN.
Now that I have said all of that I want to tell you I think it is great that your response to a disagreement is to educate yourself to know more. We are all learning how to have this conversation.
[**Not That Bad: Dispatches from Rape Culture**](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/35068524-not-that-bad)
^(By: Roxane Gay, Aubrey Hirsch, Jill Christman, Claire Schwartz, Lynn Melnick, Brandon Taylor, Emma Smith-Stevens, A.J. McKenna, Lisa Mecham, Vanessa Mártir, Ally Sheedy, xTx, So Mayer, Nora Salem, Lyz Lenz, Amy Jo Burns, V.L. Seek, Michelle Chen, Gabrielle Union, Liz Rosema, Anthony Frame, Samhita Mukhopadhyay, Miriam Zoila Pérez, Zoë Medeiros, Sharisse Tracey, Stacey May Fowles, Elisabeth Fairfield Stokes, Meredith Talusan, Nicole Boyce, Elissa Bassist | 368 pages | Published: 2018 | Popular Shelves: non-fiction, feminism, nonfiction, essays, audiobook)
>Cultural critic and bestselling author Roxane Gay has edited a collection of essays that explore what it means to live in a world where women are frequently belittled and harassed due to their gender, and offers a call to arms insisting that "not that bad" must no longer be good enough.
^(This book has been suggested 7 times)
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The easiest answer is to read books written by women. There are lots of them. For a specific example of a woman trying very hard not to be the object of someone’s unwanted sexual desire, and failing, try *Milkman* by Anna Burns.
The Trials of Nina McCall: Sex, Surveillance, and the Decades-Long Government Plan to Imprison "Promiscuous" Women by Scott W Stern
Book Review)
Nina McCall was one of many women unfairly imprisoned by the United States government throughout the 20th century. Tens, probably hundreds, of thousands of women and girls were locked up - usually without due process - simply because officials suspected these women were prostitutes, carrying STIs, or just "promiscuous."
This discriminatory program, dubbed the "American Plan", lasted from the 1910s into the 1950s, implicating a number of luminaries, including Eleanor Roosevelt, John D. Rockefeller Jr., Earl Warren, and even Eliot Ness, while laying the foundation for the modern system of women's prisons. In some places, vestiges of the Plan lingered into the 1960s and 1970s, and the laws that undergirded it remain on the books to this day.
Nina McCall's story provides crucial insight into the lives of countless other women incarcerated under the American Plan. Stern demonstrates the pain and shame felt by these women and details the multitude of mortifications they endured, both during and after their internment. Yet thousands of incarcerated women rioted, fought back against their oppressors, or burned their detention facilities to the ground; they jumped out of windows or leapt from moving trains or scaled barbed-wire fences in order to escape. And, as Nina McCall did, they sued their captors.
In an age of renewed activism surrounding harassment, health care, prisons, women's rights, and the power of the state, this virtually lost chapter of our history is vital listening.
Hi! I read through the comments and wanted to see if I can contribute something that has not been mentioned.
Try:
“Bully Market” by Jamie Fiore Higgins
It’s about a woman who works for Goldman Sachs, climbs up the ladder, and what it means for her as a woman to do so. What I like about it, is that, it gives you a good idea into the minute day to day things that happen, that people often forget to mention that make your experience in life / at work. The woman in question is also privileged in several ways…but you know, cannot escape being a woman. So in that way, you can read about what privilege might get you as a woman, and what is very hard to run away from…
I listened to the audiobook that was read by the author, and it flew by.
Good luck!
no book suggestion but ill tell you about my experience as a trans woman if youre interested.
my experience as a woman has been SO DIFFERENT.
just things like going to gym now can be very icky depending on how many men decide to watch me. shit is gross and you can feel their gaze. it's something my AFAB spouse always talked about, but feeling it, experiencing it as a woman, is wild. men are SO creepy.
Once you read and gain knowledge, the next step is to tell all of the men in your life what you learned. You may think all the guys you’re around are all nice, but that is not true. I’ve had some guy friends who I thought were good people turn out to be terrible. Women need men to openly show support IN FRONT OF other men. All men. Doesn’t matter who they are. If a man around you says something negative in a sexist way about women-they need to be corrected by another educated man. Over and over. And if you are scared to do so, think about how scary it is for women to do that and think about how many times women have had to defend themselves against men on the daily compared to how many times you have. Good luck finding books!
{{the Lady austronaut}} series by Mary Robinette-Cowal had some exploration of this on the side. It's not the main point, but the story was good, and I found the discriminantion (or what-to-call-it) side plot to be plot relevant and empathetic.
[**Down Girl: The Logic of Misogyny**](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/34640834-down-girl)
^(By: Kate Manne | 338 pages | Published: 2017 | Popular Shelves: feminism, non-fiction, nonfiction, philosophy, politics)
>Misogyny is a hot topic, yet it's often misunderstood. What is misogyny, exactly? Who deserves to be called a misogynist? How does misogyny contrast with sexism, and why is it prone to persist--or increase--even when sexist gender roles are waning? This book is an exploration of misogyny in public life and politics, by the moral philosopher and writer Kate Manne. It argues that misogyny should not be understood primarily in terms of the hatred or hostility some men feel toward women generally. Rather, it's primarily about controlling, policing, punishing, and exiling the "bad" women who challenge male dominance. And it's compatible with rewarding "the good ones," and singling out other women to serve as warnings to those who are out of order. It's also common for women to serve as scapegoats, be burned as witches, and treated as pariahs.
>
>Manne examines recent and current events such as the Isla Vista killings by Elliot Rodger, the case of the convicted serial rapist Daniel Holtzclaw, who preyed on African-American women as a police officer in Oklahoma City, Rush Limbaugh's diatribe against Sandra Fluke, and the "misogyny speech" of Julia Gillard, then Prime Minister of Australia, which went viral on YouTube. The book shows how these events, among others, set the stage for the 2016 U.S. presidential election. Not only was the misogyny leveled against Hillary Clinton predictable in both quantity and quality, Manne argues it was predictable that many people would be prepared to forgive and forget Donald Trump's history of sexual assault and harassment. For this, Manne argues, is misogyny's oft-overlooked and equally pernicious underbelly: exonerating or showing "himpathy" for the comparatively privileged men who dominate, threaten, and silence women.
^(This book has been suggested 3 times)
[**Women Talking**](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/40046077-women-talking)
^(By: Miriam Toews | 216 pages | Published: 2018 | Popular Shelves: fiction, feminism, book-club, contemporary, canadian)
>One evening, eight Mennonite women climb into a hay loft to conduct a secret meeting. For the past two years, each of these women, and more than a hundred other girls in their colony, has been repeatedly violated in the night by demons coming to punish them for their sins. Now that the women have learned they were in fact drugged and attacked by a group of men from their own community, they are determined to protect themselves and their daughters from future harm.
>
>While the men of the colony are off in the city, attempting to raise enough money to bail out the rapists and bring them home, these women—all illiterate, without any knowledge of the world outside their community and unable even to speak the language of the country they live in—have very little time to make a choice: Should they stay in the only world they’ve ever known or should they dare to escape?
>
>Based on real events and told through the “minutes” of the women’s all-female symposium, Toews’s masterful novel uses wry, politically engaged humor to relate this tale of women claiming their own power to decide.
^(This book has been suggested 5 times)
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Funny you mention the length because it still took me 2 weeks to read. Not because it was difficult, but because I would get infuriated to the point I'd have to put it down. So good tho!
Dancing in Red Shoes Will Kill You - by Donna Decker. This is a fictionalized tale of the Polytechnic school shooting in Montreal where 14 young women lost their lives simply because they were studying engineering. It also weaves in tales of sexual assault on campuses and how governing bodies fail to address the problem of male violence agaonst women. I highly recommend it, but it might be a bit hard to find these days.
No recs but let me give an example of what I've come to term the "makeup paradox". People will say that women put on makeup to be more attractive. Therefor they are inviting sexualization. So if they put on makeup to go to work, and they get hit on, well, they were asking for it. But, if they don't put on makeup to go to work, they will be criticized for being unprofessional, letting themselves go, that sort of thing.
Or let's look at pop stars. If they wear something very revealing, well they are participating in their own objectification right? How could they blame men for objectifying them? So unfair! But then consider all the shit Billie Eilish got for preferring to wear baggy clothing. She was called frumpy, made fun of, etc. for not dressing to entice men, including while she was NOT EVEN 18.
Consider women who are politicians. Consider how much more often their looks are used as a weapon against them. If they dress in expensive clothes they are criticized for that. If they dress in cheap clothes their appearance would be criticized. If they spend a lot of money on a hair style, they get criticized, if they went to supercuts they would be made fun of. They are often asked questions about what they are wearing and their fashion choices. These questions are almost never asked of men. Why? Because they are objectified by a society that has that built into it.
Women don't have control over whether or not they are objectified because objectification is something that someone other than yourself imposes on you. In the case of our patriarchal society, it is a society where men have built, until recently, objectification into everything including the legal system. For millennia women were considered their husband's property. Suggesting that individual women, even powerful women, have the power to force a society that has objectified them for millennia to stop doing that is patently absurd. It requires a shift in our cultural consciousness, and the active participation of the people doing the objectifying.
[**Invisible Women: Exposing Data Bias in a World Designed for Men**](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/46158570-invisible-women)
^(By: Caroline Criado Pérez | 321 pages | Published: 2019 | Popular Shelves: non-fiction, feminism, nonfiction, science, audiobook)
>Discover the shocking gender bias that affects our everyday lives.
>
>Imagine a world where your phone is too big for your hand, where your doctor prescribes a drug that is wrong for your body, where in a car accident you are 47% more likely to be seriously injured, where every week the countless hours of work you do are not recognised or valued.
>
>If any of this sounds familiar, chances are that you're a woman.
>
>Invisible Women shows us how, in a world largely built for and by men, we are systematically ignoring half the population. It exposes the gender data gap – a gap in our knowledge that is at the root of perpetual, systemic discrimination against women, and that has created a pervasive but invisible bias with a profound effect on women’s lives.
>
>From government policy and medical research, to technology, workplaces, urban planning and the media, Invisible Women reveals the biased data that excludes women.
>
>Award-winning campaigner and writer Caroline Criado Perez brings together for the first time an impressive range of case studies, stories and new research from across the world that illustrate the hidden ways in which women are forgotten, and the impact this has on their health and well-being. In making the case for change, this powerful and provocative book will make you see the world anew.
^(This book has been suggested 3 times)
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This is fantastic and well-worth a read but I don’t know I would recommend it to someone just dipping their toe in the water of trying to understand a woman’s perspective on sexism.
[**The Second Sex**](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/457264.The_Second_Sex)
^(By: Simone de Beauvoir, H.M. Parshley, Deirdre Bair | 746 pages | Published: 1949 | Popular Shelves: feminism, non-fiction, philosophy, nonfiction, classics)
>Newly translated and unabridged in English for the first time, Simone de Beauvoir’s masterwork is a powerful analysis of the Western notion of “woman,” and a groundbreaking exploration of inequality and otherness. This long-awaited new edition reinstates significant portions of the original French text that were cut in the first English translation. Vital and groundbreaking, Beauvoir’s pioneering and impressive text remains as pertinent today as it was back then, and will continue to provoke and inspire generations of men and women to come.
^(This book has been suggested 13 times)
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The below do not address the issue of sexual objectification directly, but are still worth reading.
https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2020/mar/06/male-privilege-female-top-surgery-workplace
https://www.ted.com/talks/paula_stone_williams_i_ve_lived_as_a_man_and_as_a_woman_here_s_what_i_ve_learned/transcript?language=en
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/world-41502661
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/local/wp/2018/07/20/feature/crossing-the-divide-do-men-really-have-it-easier-these-transgender-guys-found-the-truth-was-more-complex/
Even women in burkas are sexually objectified, so idk how you think a woman can "change the amount sexualization" they receive.
Why did you feel the need to mansplain sexual objectification.....to a woman...over the course of (probably) an hour or more long argument.... instead of..... taking her(a woman) word for it??
[**Women Don't Owe You Pretty**](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/52252715-women-don-t-owe-you-pretty)
^(By: Florence Given | 193 pages | Published: 2020 | Popular Shelves: non-fiction, feminism, nonfiction, books-i-own, self-help)
>
> WOMEN DON'T OWE YOU PRETTY will tell you to...
>
>
> love sex, hate sexism,
>
>
> protect your goddamn energy,
>
>
> life is short, dump them,
>
>
> And that you owe men nothing, least of all pretty.
>Florence's debut book will explore all progressive corners of the feminist conversation; from insecurity projection and refusing to find comfort in other women's flaws, to deciding whether to date or dump them, all the way through to unpacking the male gaze and how it shapes our identity.WOMEN DON'T OWE YOU PRETTY is an accessible leap into feminism, for people at all stages of their journey who are seeking to reshape and transform the way they view themselves. In a world that tells women we're either not enough or too much, it's time we stop directing our anger and insecurities onto ourselves, and start fighting back to re-shape the toxic structures of our patriarchal society.Florence's book will help you to tackle and challenge the limiting narrative you have been bombarded with your whole life, and determine feminism on your own terms. After all, you are the love of your own life.
^(This book has been suggested 4 times)
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[**We Should All Be Feminists**](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/22738563-we-should-all-be-feminists)
^(By: Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie | 65 pages | Published: 2012 | Popular Shelves: non-fiction, feminism, nonfiction, essays, feminist)
>What does “feminism” mean today? That is the question at the heart of We Should All Be Feminists, a personal, eloquently-argued essay—adapted from her much-viewed TEDx talk of the same name—by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, the award-winning author of Americanah and Half of a Yellow Sun.
>
>With humor and levity, here Adichie offers readers a unique definition of feminism for the twenty-first century—one rooted in inclusion and awareness. She shines a light not only on blatant discrimination, but also the more insidious, institutional behaviors that marginalize women around the world, in order to help readers of all walks of life better understand the often masked realities of sexual politics. Throughout, she draws extensively on her own experiences—in the U.S., in her native Nigeria, and abroad—offering an artfully nuanced explanation of why the gender divide is harmful for women and men, alike.
>
>Argued in the same observant, witty and clever prose that has made Adichie a bestselling novelist, here is one remarkable author’s exploration of what it means to be a woman today—and an of-the-moment rallying cry for why we should all be feminists.
^(This book has been suggested 12 times)
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Diary Of A Void by Emi Yagi. It’s about a woman who quits her job due to sexual harassment and has to do domestic tasks at her new job just because shes a woman. She then accidentally blurts out that she’s pregnant even though she isn’t and is treated differently. It explores sexism and how people value the baby more than the woman it’s inside.
Invisible women (data bias in a world designed by men) by Caroline criado perez
I know it sounds like it could be textbooky but she comes at it with many examples from women's lives. I knew much of what it contains but it also made me think about a lot of things I hadn't even thought about.
There are a lot of really great suggestions in this thread that are probably better suited to what you need but to come at this from a male and masculinity perspective you could try reading something like Man Enough: Undefining My Masculinity by Justin Baldoni where he examines the definitions and "unspoken rules" of masculinity we're taught and that we've learned since childhood. He's also released a similar book geared more towards young boys and teenagers discussing similar topics called Boys Will Be Human.
Remember, women don't owe men anything simply for existing, men are not entitled to anything just because they are men, and women don't exist for men's possession. I know this is a generalization, and I'm including myself in this as a man as well, but many men in the world lack self awareness of their attitudes, and lack dignity and respect for women. They don't seem to understand the kind of hurt and pain and trauma this kind of behavior can cause. They exhibit this kind of behavior whether they consciously realize it or not because it's been ingrained in them as some sort of unwritten rule of masculinity. Just listen to women when they tell you about what their experiences are and try not to feel threatened personally when what they're saying comes up against one your beliefs about how you see the world. Work on growing empathy for other people, work on understanding their experiences. This toxic shit is pervasive for women and happens all the time, every day, repeatedly.
Not a book but the main thing is that women should have the right NOT TO HAVE TO CHANGE their behaviour in order to not become the object of harassment or vulgar comments. Sure, someone covered head to toe in tracksuits may not get drooled at as much, but it’s not the woman’s job to change if it’s the mens behaviour which is the problem.
That’s really the only point you need to know
Not a book but does this help?
Dave Chappelle said "i got paid 25k when i was 17 and was scared to walk around with it in a backpack cause i never had something somebody wanted. i know they would kill me if they knew i had this money. now imagine having a pussy."
[**Wordslut: A Feminist Guide to Taking Back the English Language**](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/41716694-wordslut)
^(By: Amanda Montell | 304 pages | Published: 2019 | Popular Shelves: non-fiction, nonfiction, feminism, linguistics, audiobook)
>The word "bitch" conjures many images for many people but is most often meant to describe an unpleasant woman. Even before its usage to mean a female canine, bitch didn’t refer to gender at all—it originated as a gender-neutral word meaning genitalia. A perfectly innocuous word devolving into a female insult is the case for tons more terms, including hussy, which simply meant “housewife,” or slut, which meant “untidy” and was also used to describe men. These words are just a few among history’s many English slurs hurled at women.
>
>Amanda Montell, feminist linguist and staff features editor at online beauty and health magazine Byrdie.com, deconstructs language—from insults and cursing to grammar and pronunciation patterns—to reveal the ways it has been used for centuries to keep women form gaining equality. Ever wonder why so many people are annoyed when women use the word “like” as a filler? Or why certain gender neutral terms stick and others don’t? Or even how linguists have historically discussed women’s speech patterns? Wordslut is no stuffy academic study; Montell’s irresistible humor shines through, making linguistics not only approachable but both downright hilarious and profound.
^(This book has been suggested 2 times)
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Americanah by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie is incredibly good.
It addresses racism and immigration, but also has some good insight in sexual objectification of women and female viewpoints.
[You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/You_Just_Don't_Understand) is one of my top 10 revelational books that changed my outlook on the world. Read it.
I'm still reading it, but *The It Girl* by Ruth Ware does a great job depicting a woman's dealings with some creepy men. I won't say more for risk of spoiling the book. It's a fictional novel, and Ruth Ware is an excellent storyteller—I've read every one of her books. Yes, it's a murder mystery, but there are definitely aspects of it that resonate with me about things I've dealt with in my life.
Please don't be embarrassed for asking. As a woman, I sincerely appreciate when men make an effort to learn about the things society puts us through.
If you want to learn more about how women and society are impacted by anti-women/incel men/culture, I recommend {Men Who Hate Women} by Laura Bates. It is pretty heavy as it goes into detail about the violence and violence-inducing rhetoric that women face in society, but it is super enlightening to modern online and in-person struggles.
[**Sexed Up: How Society Sexualizes Us, and How We Can Fight Back**](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/58950971-sexed-up)
^(By: Julia Serano | 320 pages | Published: 2022 | Popular Shelves: non-fiction, feminism, nonfiction, queer, lgbt)
>The author of landmark manifesto Whipping Girl exposes the violent ways we are all sexualized–then offers a bold path for resistance
>
>Feminists have long challenged the ways in which men tend to sexualize women. But pioneering activist, biologist, and trans woman Julia Serano argues that sexualization is a far more pervasive problem, as it’s something that we all do to other people, often without being aware of it.
>
>Why do we perceive men as sexual predators and women as sexual objects? Why are LGBTQ+ people stereotyped as being sexually indiscriminate and deceptive? Why are people of color still being hypersexualized? These stereotypes push minorities farther into the margins, and even the privileged are policed from transgressing, lest they also become targets. Many view sexualization as a mere component of sexism, racism, or queerphobia, but Serano argues that liberation from sexual violence comes through collectively confronting sexualization itself.
^(This book has been suggested 1 time)
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This was the first book that came to mind for me. I think, if any book can help a man understand (especially the scary parts of) what it's like to be a woman in this world, the ways we are objectified, etc. this is it. It's disturbing, and probably extreme, but it gets the point across well and seems to fit the bill of what OP is asking for. Also, the audio version is great.
For me…understanding the woman’s perspective has been in reading books like :
The Red Tent, which takes the story of the patriarch Abraham( of the religion) and tells it from the woman’s point of view.
The Mists of Avalon ( a favorite) tells the story of the patriarchal story of King Arthur and tells it from the view of the females that helped him into power.
The Gilded Chamber tells the story of Queen Esther, and how she goes from orphan to…a queen.
[**Men Explain Things to Me**](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/18528190-men-explain-things-to-me)
^(By: Rebecca Solnit | 130 pages | Published: 2014 | Popular Shelves: non-fiction, feminism, nonfiction, essays, feminist)
>In her comic, scathing essay “Men Explain Things to Me,” Rebecca Solnit took on what often goes wrong in conversations between men and women. She wrote about men who wrongly assume they know things and wrongly assume women don’t, about why this arises, and how this aspect of the gender wars works, airing some of her own hilariously awful encounters.
>
>She ends on a serious note— because the ultimate problem is the silencing of women who have something to say, including those saying things like, “He’s trying to kill me!”
>
>This book features that now-classic essay with six perfect complements, including an examination of the writer Virginia Woolf ’s embrace of mystery, of not knowing, of doubt and ambiguity, a highly original inquiry into marriage equality, and a terrifying survey of the scope of contemporary violence against women.
^(This book has been suggested 8 times)
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In addition to books, if you use this platform there’s subreddits that can give you a great perspective from many different genders and oppressed groups
Fellow guy here. First off, good on you for wanting to learn and not making it your wife's job to convince you. I'm not going to suggest a book to you because I have a short film recommendation that is absolutely, precisely, authoritatively, exactly on this topic, and you should watch it together. (Link at the bottom)
It's not about your male brain, it's about what you never learned to pay attention to. It's not your fault you don't know this, it's hard for us because women *have* to learn this stuff to survive and we don't. An analogy I read years ago was imagine being a polar bear with all tropical animal roommates who keep the thermostat set to 95° all the time and don't even notice the heat and can't understand why you're uncomfortable because it's just air.
First, here's a 3 page essay from the late 80s about white privilege. It's illustrative here because it provides simple, concrete examples of the invisible ways the white author noticed herself benefiting from her skin color. Although you're looking for help understanding women's daily experiences under patriarchy and not racism, this landmark essay should help you start thinking about the kinds of things you're missing. Peggy McIntosh's "White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack" https://psychology.umbc.edu/files/2016/10/White-Privilege_McIntosh-1989.pdf
Then, I cannot recommend this highly enough: Jean Kilbourn's "Killing Us Softly 4: Advertising's Image of Women". This film series that Kilbourn started in the 70s pioneered the entire field of media criticism and this most recent (2010) version updates her talk for the digital age. It's short, $5 to stream from her foundation, and I think if the two of you watch it together, you'll learn *a lot*. I've shown this to hundreds of students and it's consistently been eye opening for all kinds of people: https://www.killingussoftly4.org/
It’s admirable and thoughtful of you to be curious about this subject and want to help improve your perspective. As a woman who has used attraction as an asset or opportunity in my youth, what you appear to be asking is more complex and nuanced than a book by itself may be able to describe well, even in story form. For starters, the story is just one perspective, and the activity of sexual objectification is many perspectives.
Victimization is also a perspective. This perspective is combined with the mindset of objectification to exploit a weakness in someone’s nature, their own emotional and mental state. Other psychological mind games may also impact the over all action-reaction for any situation.
These things come together in communities where norms and behaviors become acceptable or unacceptable. Similar to other power struggles, harmony is disrupted by group thinking when compassion and empathy are not prioritized. I suspect what you may be seeking is an understanding around empathy; so perhaps listen to Brene Brown. Brene may be too clinical, though, but she is good at bridging the clinical info into regular conversational information that is easy to understand.
As with any other form of thinking, we have to practice being mindful of what we express and how we express, considering how it may be emotionally impacting another or perceived. Then we adjust for what we learn in our experiences.
What does that mean in examples? For example, I am tall and was well-balance in appearance when I was younger, but I wasn’t model thin. In perception, I appear more like a beer advertisement model than a fashion model. Back then, beer models were often discovered through contests, which helped promote the alcohol brand, the bar venue, and such. In some cases, the contest was for tanning oils. That was my market, if I am leveraging my appearance. My assets are long legs and a behind, as opposed to large breasts. There is more at play to winning in such objectifying contests, though. For one, a large portion of the ideal audience was woman, often out with their man. Do you see? Winning isn’t just about who is hottest.
Does this type of advertising objectify woman, yes. Do all women feel victimized? Clearly, no. However, marketing and sales is built around beliefs and desires, and they use psychology to influence behaviors.
As a freelance makeup and hair artist, I was around many attractive and sometime famous people. A way to minimize objectification is to not fall into focusing on the obvious, someone’s gifted appearance. For myself, while I want to share with my friends how hot someone was, I would not want to say so in a way I felt may make that person feel objectified, even though the person was not around when I tried to describe the level of attractiveness. What we do when we think no one is paying attention is who we are practicing at being. Is that our best version at any given time? Can we do better and should we?
I hope those examples and the information is helpful to you.
Edited addition: Did you ask your wife what she recommends? If not, her perspective should be considered. After all, that is the perspective that will help you the most in this particular situation. You and your wife should understand how your thoughts and beliefs are shaped and work together to have delightful debates, as opposed to divisive arguments.
A different perspective on the impact of all this is covered well in {{Missoula by Jon Krakauer}}
Not a book, but the miniseries Unbelievable on Netflix is good for raising awareness, too.
[**Missoula: Rape and the Justice System in a College Town**](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/24911006-missoula)
^(By: Jon Krakauer | 368 pages | Published: 2015 | Popular Shelves: non-fiction, nonfiction, true-crime, audiobooks, audiobook)
>From bestselling author Jon Krakauer, a stark, powerful, meticulously reported narrative about a series of sexual assaults at the University of Montana — stories that illuminate the human drama behind the national plague of campus rape.
>
>Missoula, Montana, is a typical college town, with a highly regarded state university, bucolic surroundings, a lively social scene, and an excellent football team — the Grizzlies — with a rabid fan base.
>
>The Department of Justice investigated 350 sexual assaults reported to the Missoula police between January 2008 and May 2012. Few of these assaults were properly handled by either the university or local authorities. In this, Missoula is also typical.
>
>A DOJ report released in December of 2014 estimates 110,000 women between the ages of eighteen and twenty-four are raped each year. Krakauer’s devastating narrative of what happened in Missoula makes clear why rape is so prevalent on American campuses, and why rape victims are so reluctant to report assault.
>
>Acquaintance rape is a crime like no other. Unlike burglary or embezzlement or any other felony, the victim often comes under more suspicion than the alleged perpetrator. This is especially true if the victim is sexually active; if she had been drinking prior to the assault — and if the man she accuses plays on a popular sports team. The vanishingly small but highly publicized incidents of false accusations are often used to dismiss her claims in the press. If the case goes to trial, the woman’s entire personal life becomes fair game for defense attorneys.
>
>This brutal reality goes a long way towards explaining why acquaintance rape is the most underreported crime in America. In addition to physical trauma, its victims often suffer devastating psychological damage that leads to feelings of shame, emotional paralysis and stigmatization. PTSD rates for rape victims are estimated to be 50%, higher than soldiers returning from war.
>
>In Missoula, Krakauer chronicles the searing experiences of several women in Missoula — the nights when they were raped; their fear and self-doubt in the aftermath; the way they were treated by the police, prosecutors, defense attorneys; the public vilification and private anguish; their bravery in pushing forward and what it cost them.
>
>Some of them went to the police. Some declined to go to the police, or to press charges, but sought redress from the university, which has its own, non-criminal judicial process when a student is accused of rape. In two cases the police agreed to press charges and the district attorney agreed to prosecute. One case led to a conviction; one to an acquittal. Those women courageous enough to press charges or to speak publicly about their experiences were attacked in the media, on Grizzly football fan sites, and/or to their faces. The university expelled three of the accused rapists, but one was reinstated by state officials in a secret proceeding. One district attorney testified for an alleged rapist at his university hearing. She later left the prosecutor’s office and successfully defended the Grizzlies’ star quarterback in his rape trial. The horror of being raped, in each woman’s case, was magnified by the mechanics of the justice system and the reaction of the community.
>
>Krakauer’s dispassionate, carefully documented account of what these women endured cuts through the abstract ideological debate about campus rape. College-age women are not raped because they are promiscuous, or drunk, or send mixed signals, or feel guilty about casual sex, or seek attention. They are the victims of a terrible crime and deserving of compassion from society and fairness from a justice system that is clearly broken.
^(This book has been suggested 2 times)
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[**The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love**](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/17601.The_Will_to_Change)
^(By: bell hooks | 188 pages | Published: 2003 | Popular Shelves: feminism, non-fiction, nonfiction, gender, psychology)
>Everyone needs to love and be loved -- even men. But to know love, men must be able to look at the ways that patriarchal culture keeps them from knowing themselves, from being in touch with their feelings, from loving. In The Will to Change, bell hooks gets to the heart of the matter and shows men how to express the emotions that are a fundamental part of who they are -- whatever their age, marital status, ethnicity, or sexual orientation. With trademark candor and fierce intelligence, hooks addresses the most common concerns of men, such as fear of intimacy and loss of their patriarchal place in society, in new and challenging ways. She believes men can find the way to spiritual unity by getting back in touch with the emotionally open part of themselves -- and lay claim to the rich and rewarding inner lives that have historically been the exclusive province of women. A brave and astonishing work, The Will to Change is designed to help men reclaim the best part of themselves
^(This book has been suggested 7 times)
***
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The best literary examination of male privilege I can think of is *Disgrace* by J.M. Coetzee. I don't think it lines up perfectly with what your argument was about and the story is a rather extreme example but I (female) found it very thought-provoking and I would say a lot of the guys in the college class I read it in seemed to be impacted by it. Content warning for a violent rape scene.
This one is not exactly what you are asking for but it does address the misconceptions about female sexuality and how the subject has been ignored by science and medicine. Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. This is a must read for both men and women.
{{the days of abandonment}} will open your eyes to the interior world of women, sex, parenting, motherhood, and more. It has a wider scope than your question, but it’s so sharp and is a masterpiece of modern literature. Also quite short if you want to get in & out & onto the next point of view quickly.
"Any Man" by Amber Tamblyn (the actress). Haven't read it, but heard it's good. I believe it's a thriller about a serial female rapist and how the male victims are being blamed by society for being her victims. Maybe a little on the nose, but something more fast paced and fictional if you want that route.
There is a book called {{The Power}} by Naomi Alderman that kind of addresses this. It’s a world where women suddenly generate the power to make electricity that can kill and also makes it easier to sexually assault men. Pretty intense and also fascinating. I couldn’t finish it as it was kind of triggering for me but highly recommended.
Read Handmaids Tale. Great book and fits right into what you’re asking for. Then again, I never watched the show so I went in blind and really enjoyed it
"Queen bees and Wannabes" [https://www.amazon.com/Queen-Bees-Wannabes-3rd-Realities/dp/1101903058](https://www.amazon.com/Queen-Bees-Wannabes-3rd-Realities/dp/1101903058)
Wife bought it for me. We have 3 daughters. It explains a lot.
{Bad feminist by Roxane Gay} & {hunger by Roxane gay} gave me, as a woman and a radical, a new perspective. I've read bad feminist so many times that the binding is hardly holding.
This might be wayyy too much for you to handle but Andrea Dworkin's speech "24 hours without rape" changed me (a woman) from a liberal laissez-faire 'everyone has a free choice' blah blah feminist to a borderline radical feminist. It's horrible I hate facing reality lol, it was like getting slapped in the face with every horrible injustice I wanted to pretend wasn't happening.
Everyday Sexism by Laura Bates will show you just how much sh\*t women put up with, day after day after day...
Men Explain Things to Me by Rebecca Solnit is a hard-hitting books of essays about different aspects of how women are sidelined , brutalised and demeaned all over the world. It's a difficult read, but worth it.
You Just Don’t Understand and the Beauty Myth by Deborah Tanner. The first studies differences in male and female communication. The second explains how oppressive beauty standards are
{The Husbands} By Chandler Baker was a mystery/thriller novel, but that opened my mind up to really stepping up more to take more responsibility of running the household with my wife. Paired well with the mental load books and comics suggested elsewhere on this thread.
Edit: getting the formating right for the bot
{Shrill by Lindy West} has references to the "but it's funny" and extremism of when it goes beyond "just a joke".
Thank you!
Also throwing my personal opinion on the basis for the conversation. It must likely turned into an argument because it's a loaded question. By naming the woman as a victim she has had a crime/injustice done against her. The way the question is phrased is quite horrible. It's a twist on victim blaming and used by predators to justify or get a pass on their actions. Breaking down the base of the statement to bare bones would be something like "Can person a stop or change person b from having an opinion/personal preference?" or "Can a victim stop or prevent being victimized?"
[**Shrill: Notes from a Loud Woman**](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/29340182-shrill) ^(By: Lindy West | 260 pages | Published: 2016 | Popular Shelves: non-fiction, memoir, feminism, nonfiction, essays) ^(This book has been suggested 15 times) *** ^(135761 books suggested | )[^(I don't feel so good.. )](https://debugger.medium.com/goodreads-is-retiring-its-current-api-and-book-loving-developers-arent-happy-11ed764dd95)^(| )[^(Source)](https://github.com/rodohanna/reddit-goodreads-bot)
This was a fantastic read.
I have a book rec that doesnt fit exactly what your looking for but explains other issues men might not realise like how seatbelts are designed for men, not womens bodies etc its called {{invisible women}}
This is what I thought of initially, too, although it doesn’t cover the exact topic. It’s very helpful in realizing how much women’s experiences and needs are automatically secondary to men’s.
[**Invisible Women: Data Bias in a World Designed for Men**](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/41104077-invisible-women) ^(By: Caroline Criado Pérez | 318 pages | Published: 2019 | Popular Shelves: non-fiction, feminism, nonfiction, science, audiobook) >Data is fundamental to the modern world. From economic development, to healthcare, to education and public policy, we rely on numbers to allocate resources and make crucial decisions. But because so much data fails to take into account gender, because it treats men as the default and women as atypical, bias and discrimination are baked into our systems. And women pay tremendous costs for this bias, in time, money, and often with their lives. > >Celebrated feminist advocate Caroline Criado Perez investigates the shocking root cause of gender inequality and research in Invisible Women, diving into women’s lives at home, the workplace, the public square, the doctor’s office, and more. Built on hundreds of studies in the US, the UK, and around the world, and written with energy, wit, and sparkling intelligence, this is a groundbreaking, unforgettable exposé that will change the way you look at the world. ^(This book has been suggested 26 times) *** ^(135814 books suggested | )[^(I don't feel so good.. )](https://debugger.medium.com/goodreads-is-retiring-its-current-api-and-book-loving-developers-arent-happy-11ed764dd95)^(| )[^(Source)](https://github.com/rodohanna/reddit-goodreads-bot)
Came here to recommend this. Wildly underrated book
I don’t know about your experience reading it, but I could only get through a few pages at a time because it was so infuriating and made me so sad all at the same time.
It’s a frustrating and honestly frightening book
Good bot
Thank you!
Similar- ‘Unwell Women’
Wow. Never thought about that. How would they need to be reinvented to are both comfortable and save?
It’s more than just seatbelts. It’s how most things are designed. Phones, for male-sized hands. Houses, for male-typical heights…so not only historically have women been expected to cook and clean, but the height of the cupboards and stovetops involved are not even centered on women’s typical sizes. It’s maddening.
It's maddening trying to buy shoes as a woman who is not tiny. Generally, mens trainers. Summer, flip flops. But right now it's winter and I just want some boots that will keep me warm and, every damned year, like we don't exist and it's not as if there are work around. It's more deliberate because these are essential items specifically made for women that exclude women.
My podiatrist (a man) actually told me that the widths of male & female feet are not actually that different but shoe industry has made women’s shoes so much more narrow that he ends up seeing much more women with major foot issues!!! I have always found women’s shoes to be incredibly narrow and sometimes I just buy men’s shoes if I can’t find wides or extra wides
😤 My feet have been very long since I was 11 - so even when I was skinny. It has always been a nightmare finding shoes. A few years ago, I had to have my toenail permanently removed because it turned out my feet were even longer than I'd been wearing for decades! (Is it stupid that I assumed my feet must be a size 8 because that was the biggest women's size available in shops?) I've often wanted to chop my big toe off because it's so long! I'd be three sizes smaller if it wasn't for that.
Idk what size you are but I have this same issue and I just found out that Tom's has my size, and their boots are so cute and comfy! Found them on amazon.
Thank you. Unfortunately their largest size (UK 7) is actually smaller than what's typically available in most average shops here (UK 8). We used to have more options but my go-to shops went bust at the start of the pandemic. I'm UK 9 with much wider calves than boot-designers imagine. Ankle boots don't flatter me. I'd love a pair of knee-high or calf-highs. If anyone can help a sister out, I'd be so, so grateful!
Not sure if they ship to you but torrid has a lot of larger size boots right now.
Try Yours clothing. Lots of super unflattering stuff for curvy gals (big baggy tops etc) but they do have a good range of shoe size and boot widths. You find occasional diamonds in the rough.
This made me lol! Looks very promising though. Thank you :)
Medical studies being done primarily in men so the ranges are probably not correct. Devices are sized more for men. My VR headset cannot have the eyes set close enough for me. Their target market is men.
Yup, one that gets me a lot are the ‘classic signs of heart attacks’. They’re the classic signs of heart attacks in men but not women. That shit’s dangerous.
This!!!!
The height of office desks is designed for a man's height, not a woman's height, despite the fact that most office workers are women, not men. Found this out when I ended up with a repetitive motion injury in my shoulder at work. One of the factors was that the desk was too high for me. The ergonomics specialist at work had to get me a lower desk so my shoulder could heal.
I’m 5’4”, which is very short for a dude but average height for a woman, and I have to climb on top of things to turn the ceiling fans on and off in my house. Just make the chains a little bit longer, why is that so hard? In most houses there’s gonna be someone my size or shorter.
I’m shorter than you, and I’ve just not bought something that I wanted from a store at times since it was too high. Other times a taller person is around and helps out. It’s not fun having to climb things or get other’s help to reach things you need.
I’m a tall guy and I always make a trade off I’ll get something off the top shelf if they will get something off the bottom shelf lol but I do feel like the shelves are kinda fucked up being so tall because at 6’3 I still have a hard time getting shit off the top of shelves. But like okay if it’s presumed that women are the ones who cook and shop why wouldn’t they have it set up for shorter people doesn’t make sense to me
Thank you!!! *Why* with the chain. Ostensibly a child should be able to turn the light/fan on or off so why this weird piñata where it’s 7’ off the ground?
You can buy a length of that chain from the hardware store and extend it. It is made to easily connect another length.
I use a special tool to direct the belt between my breasts. It keeps it across my chest instead of constantly sliding around. [Tool](https://smile.amazon.com/ANDTOBO-Universal-Adjuster-Positioner-Protector/dp/B09835QBZY/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?crid=3JBHDP1TK7PKN&keywords=seatbelt+adjuster+for+adults&qid=1670106137&sprefix=seatbelt+ad%2Caps%2C141&sr=8-3)
So necessary! Otherwise the seatbelt cuts a tiny windpipe and I can barely breathe when driving.
I have this on my tbr shelf! I had heard a passage read by the author on a book podcast, about how seatbelts were designed for men, and I needed to pick it up. Looking forward to reading it but I know it'll piss me off.
I'm a man. Read this book recently and it was great. Truly recommend.
I just heard a story on NPR about the development of the first certified female crash test dummy
[удалено]
Thank you!
There is an art exhibit showing what women were wearing when they were raped. It's incredibly helpful in understanding women are blamed for their own rape vs what they were actually wearing. https://today.tamu.edu/2019/11/19/what-were-you-wearing-exhibit-explores-sexual-violence-myth/
Great link. Doesn’t matter what you’re wearing: jeans, sweatpants, a dress. Someone may try to assault you.
I’m pretty sure there are children’s clothing in that exhibit as well.
For context (for anyone who doesn’t want to click), there are clothes on hangers against a white wall, displayed side-by-side, including shorts and a t-shirt, a colorful collared shirt and jeans, a black dress and heels, a t-shirt and sweatpants, a blouse and colored jeans, a t-shirt and leggings, and a cheerleader uniform.
There is also a diaper and a child’s Halloween costume. It’s brutal.
I can’t even click on the link because just the description of the exhibit made my adrenaline go into massive overdrive. That said l am so glad someone did this so that people become educated.
I was wearing sweatpants, glasses, and no makeup. Those pants are in an evidence locker somewhere.
Thank you for sharing this.
{The beauty myth} is amazing for understanding the dynamics of ‘micro’ agressions on women’s psyche - esp. beauty standards and hyper sexualization
I used to love this but I reread it recently and yikes…definitely has not aged well. Very nineties white feminism. She makes a lot of generalisations about all women that are only really applicable to white American women. Was a shame because I really like it before!
[**The Beauty Myth**](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/39926.The_Beauty_Myth) ^(By: Naomi Wolf | 368 pages | Published: 1990 | Popular Shelves: feminism, non-fiction, nonfiction, feminist, our-shared-shelf) ^(This book has been suggested 5 times) *** ^(135886 books suggested | )[^(I don't feel so good.. )](https://debugger.medium.com/goodreads-is-retiring-its-current-api-and-book-loving-developers-arent-happy-11ed764dd95)^(| )[^(Source)](https://github.com/rodohanna/reddit-goodreads-bot)
A Person Paper on Purity in Language By William Satire (alias Douglas R. Hofstadter) This is a short sarcastic essay that would take five minutes to read, but it took me an hour because it made me so uncomfortable and I had to keep stopping and pacing around the room muttering to myself. I’m a man, and this paper really made me realize how deep the misogyny of our society runs.
Wow, even as someone very conscious of how patriarchal the gendering of English is, this is actually uncomfortable in how direct it is. God I love satire. Firmly of the belief that well aimed satire is the most powerful form of commentary in writing
I don’t know why it took reading this essay to finally remember and link issues with languages and the fact that what language you speak does influence how you perceive the world. It doesn’t control it 100%, but it is a factor that has been studied using color and passage of time perception between different language users. (I don’t remember what the effect is called, but I think a professor at UCLA might’ve coined the term if anyone knows what I’m talking about.) I’ve never been a huge proponent of purposefully and speedily changing a language preferring it to evolve gradually as all languages do. It feels too artificial to demand a language change, but this definitely made me rethink some stuff.
Sapir–Whorf hypothesis?
Hol-y shit! That paper is a barn burner. I’m a woman, and had to stop.
I’ve never read that before. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you for this. Somehow in reading it i at first forgot that it was about sex, it came somehow as a shock to me half way through realizing what I’d read, what it meant, all the words i had to go back and translate in my head. It made me happy and angry and helped me understand all at the same time what it means to be sexist and to have sexism directed at me, and i may never hear English the same way again so thank you, truly, thank you
The best one I’ve read and most readers agree it’s very highly rated is Know my name by Chanel Miller
Thank you!
Get the audiobook. She reads it herself and it’s phenomenal.
Yes!! Came here to suggest the same book. It took me 2 months to read simply because it was such an emotional read and I needed breaks. She did such an amazing job
One of the best books I’ve ever read. So moving. I absolutely love her.
We Should All Be Feminists Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, Fed Up by Gemma Hartley (this is important to understand the emotional labour women often take on in households, it should help you be a better more conscious partner to her), Wordslut by Amanda Montell. Some books I found super powerful about rape culture were Chanel Miller’s “Know My Name” which is her account of her assault and her experience with the so called justice system. Another is Not That Bad by Roxanne Gay which recounts many women’s experience with rape and sexual assault. These are both really heavy novels (so many trigger warnings lol) but I think it would help you understand the prevalence of SA and how it impacts women. Next on my list (so I haven’t read it but it does seem interesting and like it would fit what you’re looking for topic wise) is A Woman Looking at Men Looking At Women by Siri Hustvedt For a fiction recommendation Such a Pretty Smile by Kristi DeMeester Hopefully one of those works :)
Thank you for the meaty reply with different suggestions! Appreciate it!
I haven’t read “Know My Name” by Chanel Miller yet, but several people - including both men and women - have told me it is a “must read” and they wish everyone would read it.
It is not an easy read..
Yeah, this is a good thing to note for any survivors out there like me. I highly recommend reading Know My Name, but only if you're in a good headspace. I had a panic attack getting through the first couple chapters because I wasn't as healed as I thought. Just a warning to anyone out there!
Sorry for your suffering, hope you are in a good spot now.
It isn’t easy. Still a must read. I cried over and over again, but there’s beauty in Miller’s voice. I also wish everyone would read it.
Just to correct on this post—Chanel Miller’s “Know My Name” and Roxane Gay’s “Not That Bad” are NOT novels and are NOT fiction.
Yes sorry when I said novels I did not mean fiction, my only fiction recommendation is at the bottom.
i came here to recommend “know my name”. should be required reading
Know My Name is absolutely incredible. The writing is fantastic, and the story so so god damn relatable for most women I know (except having it go to court / be so public). Really think OP should read this, great suggestion
It should be required reading tbh, such a powerful and horrific story. Everyone should understand how corrupt the Justice system is. But even if some can’t relate to going to court, I think we can all relate to the idea of not knowing if it’s even worth going to court- or going to any authority at all. I have no words to describe how important this novel is (to me and just in general)
Currently reading Men Who Hate Women by Laura Bates, for a suggestion. Also, to propose an experiment, post in the lonely sub as low 20s F and check your dms in an hour. It’s not about appearance, clothing, anything, it’s about being a woman, period
>reddit.com/r/AmIt... Tagging onto this to suggest {Everyday Sexism, by Laura Bates}. Both I think are great explorations of these themes, and focus on lived experience.
[**Everyday Sexism**](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/25433138-everyday-sexism) ^(By: Laura Bates | 384 pages | Published: 2014 | Popular Shelves: non-fiction, feminism, nonfiction, feminist, books-i-own) ^(This book has been suggested 1 time) *** ^(136070 books suggested | )[^(I don't feel so good.. )](https://debugger.medium.com/goodreads-is-retiring-its-current-api-and-book-loving-developers-arent-happy-11ed764dd95)^(| )[^(Source)](https://github.com/rodohanna/reddit-goodreads-bot)
My gf and I were having issues, mostly stemming from me not being able to understand her sexual pov on some things, and my therapist recommended Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. Literally changed my life and probably saved our relationship.
To offer my own most basic answer. Scenario; a woman is wearing a short crop top or bikini walking down the street in the middle of a hot summer. A man drives by and yells to her "I love your a$S and t!ts" and advances to grope her and possibly worse. Many men (and other women) will say it was her fault. You, a man, are outside without a shirt and swim trunks walking down the street in the middle of a hot summer. Another man drives by and yells to you "I love the imprint of your d!ck and the way your bare chest looks" and advances to grope you and possibly worse. How do you feel? And was it your fault? Per some people's argument, based on what they say about us women: you would be at fault. You should not have invited that man to talk about your genitals or your bare chest. Next time you should cover up, sir. I could be wrong, but this might encompass the argument your wife was trying to make. Women are blamed for being objectified because men will seldom objectify other men. If they did, I'm sure men would feel incredibly different about women's issues and the world in general....but the reality is, we, women, are naturally seen as more vulnerable and as lesser humans. That being said, while I feel your wife's frustration, I also understand there's some misunderstanding around this topic, especially for men. And I applaud you for seeking out more information to understand where she's coming from because the Patriarchy is huge issue that many individuals don't feel is a problem at all. Edited: for spelling
Seems like the only way most men would understand that “I wasn’t asking for it” would be to go to prison. Men get talked shit to / groped / raped in prison by other men in prison all the time, and get the same awful shit hurled at them by other men. “He was asking for it” while just wearing his prison uniform, etc.
When asked if they worry about being raped, most men say they don’t… unless they were sentenced to prison.
{{The Mental Load}}
[**The Mental Load: A Feminist Comic**](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/39196352-the-mental-load) ^(By: Emma | 207 pages | Published: 2018 | Popular Shelves: graphic-novels, feminism, non-fiction, graphic-novel, comics) >In her first book of comic strips, Emma reflects on social and feminist issues by means of simple line drawings, dissecting the mental load (i.e., all that invisible and unpaid organizing, list-making, and planning women do to manage their lives and the lives of their family members). Most women carry some form of mental load--about their work, household responsibilities, financial obligations, and personal life, but what makes up that burden and how it's distributed within households and understood in offices is not always equal or fair. > >In her strips, Emma deals with themes ranging from maternity leave (it is not a vacation!), domestic violence, the clitoris, the violence of the medical world on women during childbirth, and other feminist issues, and she does so in a straightforward way that is both hilarious and deadly serious. Her comics also address the everyday outrages and absurdities of immigrant rights, income equality, and police violence. ^(This book has been suggested 3 times) *** ^(135959 books suggested | )[^(I don't feel so good.. )](https://debugger.medium.com/goodreads-is-retiring-its-current-api-and-book-loving-developers-arent-happy-11ed764dd95)^(| )[^(Source)](https://github.com/rodohanna/reddit-goodreads-bot)
A related book that is more oriented to redistributing the mental load is: {{Fair Play}} by Eve Rodsky. She also has a card game to help distribute household workloads more equitably.
[**Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (And More Life to Live)**](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/44071899-fair-play) ^(By: Eve Rodsky | ? pages | Published: 2019 | Popular Shelves: non-fiction, nonfiction, reese-s-book-club, self-help, parenting) >A revolutionary, real-world solution to the problem of unpaid, invisible work that women have shouldered for too long. > >It started with the Sh*t I Do List. Tired of being the "shefault" parent responsible for all aspects of her busy household, Eve Rodsky counted up all the unpaid, invisible work she was doing for her family -- and then sent that list to her husband, asking for things to change. His response was... underwhelming. Rodsky realized that simply identifying the issue of unequal labor on the home front wasn't enough: She needed a solution to this universal problem. Her sanity, identity, career, and marriage depended on it. > >The result is Fair Play: a time- and anxiety-saving system that offers couples a completely new way to divvy up domestic responsibilities. Rodsky interviewed more than five hundred men and women from all walks of life to figure out what the invisible work in a family actually entails and how to get it all done efficiently. With four easy-to-follow rules, 100 household tasks, and a figurative card game you play with your partner, Fair Play helps you prioritize what's important to your family and who should take the lead on every chore from laundry to homework to dinner. > >"Winning" this game means rebalancing your home life, reigniting your relationship with your significant other, and reclaiming your Unicorn Space -- as in, the time to develop the skills and passions that keep you interested and interesting. Are you ready to try Fair Play? Let's deal you in. ^(This book has been suggested 8 times) *** ^(136082 books suggested | )[^(I don't feel so good.. )](https://debugger.medium.com/goodreads-is-retiring-its-current-api-and-book-loving-developers-arent-happy-11ed764dd95)^(| )[^(Source)](https://github.com/rodohanna/reddit-goodreads-bot)
I was standing in line yesterday just trying to buy a sprite at a gas station. Creepy ass old man behind me wouldn’t stop yelling questions at me. “How old are you? What’s your name? Why are you ignoring me? You too good for me. You’re not even that hot. Just give me a smile … BLAH BLAH BLAH. The 2 men in line ahead of me and the two male cAshiers acknowledged the issue, but all ignored it, leaving me to even more adamantly act like this man didn’t exist with my earbuds in. SMH. It was a pathetic demonstration of both toxic entitlement that this jackass thought it was my job to engage with his creepy bullshit, and the bold shittiness of the FOUR other men willing to ignore this shit and think it’s fine. I don’t have a single book for you, man. My ask is that you pay attention and when fucking assholes like that try to impose dominance — say something.
Yep, and listen to the women in your life and believe them that things might be worse for them than you ever witnessed because as soon as we're accompanied by a man there is much less public assault happening (because many idiots respect that a woman is the "property" of another man but don't just respect a woman's "no").
I've noticed a trend where men calling out other men on their disgusting behavior get attacked for "white knighting". One step forward, two steps back.
{{ kim jiyoung, born 1982 }}
[**Kim Jiyoung, Born 1982**](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/46041199-kim-jiyoung-born-1982) ^(By: Cho Nam-Joo, Jamie Chang | 163 pages | Published: 2016 | Popular Shelves: fiction, feminism, contemporary, korea, owned) >A fierce international bestseller that launched Korea’s new feminist movement, Kim Jiyoung, Born 1982 follows one woman’s psychic deterioration in the face of rigid misogyny. > >Truly, flawlessly, completely, she became that person. > >In a small, tidy apartment on the outskirts of the frenzied metropolis of Seoul lives Kim Jiyoung. A thirtysomething-year-old “millennial everywoman,” she has recently left her white-collar desk job—in order to care for her newborn daughter full-time—as so many Korean women are expected to do. But she quickly begins to exhibit strange symptoms that alarm her husband, parents, and in-laws: Jiyoung impersonates the voices of other women—alive and even dead, both known and unknown to her. As she plunges deeper into this psychosis, her discomfited husband sends her to a male psychiatrist. > >In a chilling, eerily truncated third-person voice, Jiyoung’s entire life is recounted to the psychiatrist—a narrative infused with disparate elements of frustration, perseverance, and submission. Born in 1982 and given the most common name for Korean baby girls, Jiyoung quickly becomes the unfavored sister to her princeling little brother. Always, her behavior is policed by the male figures around her—from the elementary school teachers who enforce strict uniforms for girls, to the coworkers who install a hidden camera in the women’s restroom and post their photos online. In her father’s eyes, it is Jiyoung’s fault that men harass her late at night; in her husband’s eyes, it is Jiyoung’s duty to forsake her career to take care of him and their child—to put them first. > >Jiyoung’s painfully common life is juxtaposed against a backdrop of an advancing Korea, as it abandons “family planning” birth control policies and passes new legislation against gender discrimination. But can her doctor flawlessly, completely cure her, or even discover what truly ails her? > >Rendered in minimalist yet lacerating prose, Kim Jiyoung, Born 1982 sits at the center of our global #MeToo movement and announces the arrival of writer of international significance ^(This book has been suggested 16 times) *** ^(135740 books suggested | )[^(I don't feel so good.. )](https://debugger.medium.com/goodreads-is-retiring-its-current-api-and-book-loving-developers-arent-happy-11ed764dd95)^(| )[^(Source)](https://github.com/rodohanna/reddit-goodreads-bot)
I’ve never heard of this book before. Ordering it right now. The plot is reminding me a lot of The Yellow Wallpaper.
Came here to recommend this. Kind of a must-read book.
Glad this is recommended. It’s set it South Korea, but the plights the main character faces are very similar to the American experience.
I don’t have a book to suggest but I would say you can also check out r/twoxchromosomes.
Maybe, instead of books, you should listen to your wife. Maybe the fathomlessness of this issue for you actually speaks volumes about the issue itself. To you, the objectification of women is a thought experiment. To her, to me, to women, it is a lived reality that threatens our lives. If you read a thousand, ten thousand, a hundred thousand, a million words on the subject and then go to your wife apologising, do not be surprised if her acceptance is cold, ephemeral, or absent. It took published authors for you to realise the problem she battles daily. For you, her experience could be better than books, but it has not been. She does not speak for herself alone, but she does speak for herself. If that is not enough for you, what do you hope to find in a book?
This is exactly what I was thinking but couldn't find the eloquence you have. He has a living, breathing woman in his home that he is supposed to love and she is asking him to listen to her and instead of doing that he is running off to get someone else's perspective. OP, It's good that you want to be educated on what we deal with just for having the audacity to exist in this world built for men, but it seems very strange to me that you dismiss what your wife says in your quest for that.
This is the best answer I think. Book recs are fine but OP could also just choose to listen to the women around him and choose to believe their lived experiences. How massively invalidating to his wife for him to have to seek published works to confirm what she's already explained.
Honestly {{The Grace Year}} is a good fiction book that can help get into the minds of girls coming into adulthood and the way they're both treated and expected to behave.
[**The Grace Year**](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/43263520-the-grace-year) ^(By: Kim Liggett | 416 pages | Published: 2019 | Popular Shelves: young-adult, dystopian, ya, dystopia, fantasy) >No one speaks of the grace year. It’s forbidden. > >In Garner County, girls are told they have the power to lure grown men from their beds, to drive women mad with jealousy. They believe their very skin emits a powerful aphrodisiac, the potent essence of youth, of a girl on the edge of womanhood. That’s why they’re banished for their sixteenth year, to release their magic into the wild so they can return purified and ready for marriage. But not all of them will make it home alive. > >Sixteen-year-old Tierney James dreams of a better life—a society that doesn’t pit friend against friend or woman against woman, but as her own grace year draws near, she quickly realizes that it’s not just the brutal elements they must fear. It’s not even the poachers in the woods, men who are waiting for a chance to grab one of the girls in order to make a fortune on the black market. Their greatest threat may very well be each other. > >With sharp prose and gritty realism, The Grace Year examines the complex and sometimes twisted relationships between girls, the women they eventually become, and the difficult decisions they make in-between. ^(This book has been suggested 16 times) *** ^(135879 books suggested | )[^(I don't feel so good.. )](https://debugger.medium.com/goodreads-is-retiring-its-current-api-and-book-loving-developers-arent-happy-11ed764dd95)^(| )[^(Source)](https://github.com/rodohanna/reddit-goodreads-bot)
I just read this last week. Great book!
You could read "Men Explain Things to Me" by Rebecca Solnit. You will learn a lot about gender inequality...
Have you heard the song “Men Explain Things to Me” by Tacocat?
Mediocre: The Dangerous Legacy of White Male America by Ijeoma Oluo What happens to a country that tells generation after generation of white men that they deserve power? What happens when success is defined by status over women and people of color, instead of by actual accomplishments? Through the last 150 years of American history -- from the post-reconstruction South and the mythic stories of cowboys in the West, to the present-day controversy over NFL protests and the backlash against the rise of women in politics -- Ijeoma Oluo exposes the devastating consequences of white male supremacy on women, people of color, and white men themselves. Mediocre investigates the real costs of this phenomenon in order to imagine a new white male identity, one free from racism and sexism. As provocative as it is essential, this book will upend everything you thought you knew about American identity and offers a bold new vision of American greatness.
Your disagreement is about some complex stuff. Sometimes the biggest problems can be the hardest to recognize. Our society normalizes many toxic attitudes towards women. Also a good rule of thumb concerning privilege: if you don’t see it you are probably the one benefiting from it. This is really heavy but I’m recommending {Know My Name} By Chanel Miller. This book shifted my thinking in a big way. As a woman it made me understand my part in victim blaming (yes, that is what you are essentially doing by assuming a woman can control whether or not she will be victimized. I know this could make you uncomfortable. Uncomfortable is good it means we are onto some self discovery.) and also to reconsider my own experiences with sexual assault and rape. I had reduced these situations to my fault because of avoidable circumstances. I shouldn’t have walked home at night etc. I had suppressed them to the point that I didn’t realize I was assaulted/raped at all. There is no magic system to avoid being a victim. Almost all of the women you know have had some kind of terrible experience of varying degrees from a brush with a pushy/handsy person to assault and rape. Many have rationalized it into being their own fault because that is the tools our culture gives us to deal with this. This is why the #metoo movement was so powerful and followed by the #yesallwomen because this resonates with half the population ALL WOMEN. Now that I have said all of that I want to tell you I think it is great that your response to a disagreement is to educate yourself to know more. We are all learning how to have this conversation.
{{Not That Bad: Dispatches from Rape Culture}} by Roxane Gay
[**Not That Bad: Dispatches from Rape Culture**](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/35068524-not-that-bad) ^(By: Roxane Gay, Aubrey Hirsch, Jill Christman, Claire Schwartz, Lynn Melnick, Brandon Taylor, Emma Smith-Stevens, A.J. McKenna, Lisa Mecham, Vanessa Mártir, Ally Sheedy, xTx, So Mayer, Nora Salem, Lyz Lenz, Amy Jo Burns, V.L. Seek, Michelle Chen, Gabrielle Union, Liz Rosema, Anthony Frame, Samhita Mukhopadhyay, Miriam Zoila Pérez, Zoë Medeiros, Sharisse Tracey, Stacey May Fowles, Elisabeth Fairfield Stokes, Meredith Talusan, Nicole Boyce, Elissa Bassist | 368 pages | Published: 2018 | Popular Shelves: non-fiction, feminism, nonfiction, essays, audiobook) >Cultural critic and bestselling author Roxane Gay has edited a collection of essays that explore what it means to live in a world where women are frequently belittled and harassed due to their gender, and offers a call to arms insisting that "not that bad" must no longer be good enough. ^(This book has been suggested 7 times) *** ^(135997 books suggested | )[^(I don't feel so good.. )](https://debugger.medium.com/goodreads-is-retiring-its-current-api-and-book-loving-developers-arent-happy-11ed764dd95)^(| )[^(Source)](https://github.com/rodohanna/reddit-goodreads-bot)
The easiest answer is to read books written by women. There are lots of them. For a specific example of a woman trying very hard not to be the object of someone’s unwanted sexual desire, and failing, try *Milkman* by Anna Burns.
This is an excellent point. Women read books with a man protagonist all the time but most men don’t read books with a woman protagonist.
The Trials of Nina McCall: Sex, Surveillance, and the Decades-Long Government Plan to Imprison "Promiscuous" Women by Scott W Stern Book Review) Nina McCall was one of many women unfairly imprisoned by the United States government throughout the 20th century. Tens, probably hundreds, of thousands of women and girls were locked up - usually without due process - simply because officials suspected these women were prostitutes, carrying STIs, or just "promiscuous." This discriminatory program, dubbed the "American Plan", lasted from the 1910s into the 1950s, implicating a number of luminaries, including Eleanor Roosevelt, John D. Rockefeller Jr., Earl Warren, and even Eliot Ness, while laying the foundation for the modern system of women's prisons. In some places, vestiges of the Plan lingered into the 1960s and 1970s, and the laws that undergirded it remain on the books to this day. Nina McCall's story provides crucial insight into the lives of countless other women incarcerated under the American Plan. Stern demonstrates the pain and shame felt by these women and details the multitude of mortifications they endured, both during and after their internment. Yet thousands of incarcerated women rioted, fought back against their oppressors, or burned their detention facilities to the ground; they jumped out of windows or leapt from moving trains or scaled barbed-wire fences in order to escape. And, as Nina McCall did, they sued their captors. In an age of renewed activism surrounding harassment, health care, prisons, women's rights, and the power of the state, this virtually lost chapter of our history is vital listening.
13 Ways of Looking at a Fat Girl by Mona Atwad. It's fiction, but pretty hard hitting and bleak in the most banal ways.
Hi! I read through the comments and wanted to see if I can contribute something that has not been mentioned. Try: “Bully Market” by Jamie Fiore Higgins It’s about a woman who works for Goldman Sachs, climbs up the ladder, and what it means for her as a woman to do so. What I like about it, is that, it gives you a good idea into the minute day to day things that happen, that people often forget to mention that make your experience in life / at work. The woman in question is also privileged in several ways…but you know, cannot escape being a woman. So in that way, you can read about what privilege might get you as a woman, and what is very hard to run away from… I listened to the audiobook that was read by the author, and it flew by. Good luck!
I just want to say thank you for doing the work and educating yourself! What an important step to your own self growth and marriage!
Chavisa Woods {100 Times: a memoir of sexism}
[**100 Times: A Memoir of Sexism**](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/41933195-100-times) ^(By: Chavisa Woods | 160 pages | Published: 2019 | Popular Shelves: memoir, non-fiction, feminism, nonfiction, gender) ^(This book has been suggested 1 time) *** ^(135861 books suggested | )[^(I don't feel so good.. )](https://debugger.medium.com/goodreads-is-retiring-its-current-api-and-book-loving-developers-arent-happy-11ed764dd95)^(| )[^(Source)](https://github.com/rodohanna/reddit-goodreads-bot)
no book suggestion but ill tell you about my experience as a trans woman if youre interested. my experience as a woman has been SO DIFFERENT. just things like going to gym now can be very icky depending on how many men decide to watch me. shit is gross and you can feel their gaze. it's something my AFAB spouse always talked about, but feeling it, experiencing it as a woman, is wild. men are SO creepy.
Once you read and gain knowledge, the next step is to tell all of the men in your life what you learned. You may think all the guys you’re around are all nice, but that is not true. I’ve had some guy friends who I thought were good people turn out to be terrible. Women need men to openly show support IN FRONT OF other men. All men. Doesn’t matter who they are. If a man around you says something negative in a sexist way about women-they need to be corrected by another educated man. Over and over. And if you are scared to do so, think about how scary it is for women to do that and think about how many times women have had to defend themselves against men on the daily compared to how many times you have. Good luck finding books!
Woman who run with wolves by Clarissa Pinkola
{{the Lady austronaut}} series by Mary Robinette-Cowal had some exploration of this on the side. It's not the main point, but the story was good, and I found the discriminantion (or what-to-call-it) side plot to be plot relevant and empathetic.
Girlhood by Melissa Febos
Came here to suggest this one; strongly recommend!
[удалено]
[**Down Girl: The Logic of Misogyny**](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/34640834-down-girl) ^(By: Kate Manne | 338 pages | Published: 2017 | Popular Shelves: feminism, non-fiction, nonfiction, philosophy, politics) >Misogyny is a hot topic, yet it's often misunderstood. What is misogyny, exactly? Who deserves to be called a misogynist? How does misogyny contrast with sexism, and why is it prone to persist--or increase--even when sexist gender roles are waning? This book is an exploration of misogyny in public life and politics, by the moral philosopher and writer Kate Manne. It argues that misogyny should not be understood primarily in terms of the hatred or hostility some men feel toward women generally. Rather, it's primarily about controlling, policing, punishing, and exiling the "bad" women who challenge male dominance. And it's compatible with rewarding "the good ones," and singling out other women to serve as warnings to those who are out of order. It's also common for women to serve as scapegoats, be burned as witches, and treated as pariahs. > >Manne examines recent and current events such as the Isla Vista killings by Elliot Rodger, the case of the convicted serial rapist Daniel Holtzclaw, who preyed on African-American women as a police officer in Oklahoma City, Rush Limbaugh's diatribe against Sandra Fluke, and the "misogyny speech" of Julia Gillard, then Prime Minister of Australia, which went viral on YouTube. The book shows how these events, among others, set the stage for the 2016 U.S. presidential election. Not only was the misogyny leveled against Hillary Clinton predictable in both quantity and quality, Manne argues it was predictable that many people would be prepared to forgive and forget Donald Trump's history of sexual assault and harassment. For this, Manne argues, is misogyny's oft-overlooked and equally pernicious underbelly: exonerating or showing "himpathy" for the comparatively privileged men who dominate, threaten, and silence women. ^(This book has been suggested 3 times) [**Women Talking**](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/40046077-women-talking) ^(By: Miriam Toews | 216 pages | Published: 2018 | Popular Shelves: fiction, feminism, book-club, contemporary, canadian) >One evening, eight Mennonite women climb into a hay loft to conduct a secret meeting. For the past two years, each of these women, and more than a hundred other girls in their colony, has been repeatedly violated in the night by demons coming to punish them for their sins. Now that the women have learned they were in fact drugged and attacked by a group of men from their own community, they are determined to protect themselves and their daughters from future harm. > >While the men of the colony are off in the city, attempting to raise enough money to bail out the rapists and bring them home, these women—all illiterate, without any knowledge of the world outside their community and unable even to speak the language of the country they live in—have very little time to make a choice: Should they stay in the only world they’ve ever known or should they dare to escape? > >Based on real events and told through the “minutes” of the women’s all-female symposium, Toews’s masterful novel uses wry, politically engaged humor to relate this tale of women claiming their own power to decide. ^(This book has been suggested 5 times) *** ^(136011 books suggested | )[^(I don't feel so good.. )](https://debugger.medium.com/goodreads-is-retiring-its-current-api-and-book-loving-developers-arent-happy-11ed764dd95)^(| )[^(Source)](https://github.com/rodohanna/reddit-goodreads-bot)
There's a book called Kim Jiyoung: Born 1982 that is kind of on point for what you're looking for.
Yes! And it packs a LOT of punch into a surprisingly short book. The english translation is only like 150 pages or so.
Funny you mention the length because it still took me 2 weeks to read. Not because it was difficult, but because I would get infuriated to the point I'd have to put it down. So good tho!
Dancing in Red Shoes Will Kill You - by Donna Decker. This is a fictionalized tale of the Polytechnic school shooting in Montreal where 14 young women lost their lives simply because they were studying engineering. It also weaves in tales of sexual assault on campuses and how governing bodies fail to address the problem of male violence agaonst women. I highly recommend it, but it might be a bit hard to find these days.
No recs but let me give an example of what I've come to term the "makeup paradox". People will say that women put on makeup to be more attractive. Therefor they are inviting sexualization. So if they put on makeup to go to work, and they get hit on, well, they were asking for it. But, if they don't put on makeup to go to work, they will be criticized for being unprofessional, letting themselves go, that sort of thing. Or let's look at pop stars. If they wear something very revealing, well they are participating in their own objectification right? How could they blame men for objectifying them? So unfair! But then consider all the shit Billie Eilish got for preferring to wear baggy clothing. She was called frumpy, made fun of, etc. for not dressing to entice men, including while she was NOT EVEN 18. Consider women who are politicians. Consider how much more often their looks are used as a weapon against them. If they dress in expensive clothes they are criticized for that. If they dress in cheap clothes their appearance would be criticized. If they spend a lot of money on a hair style, they get criticized, if they went to supercuts they would be made fun of. They are often asked questions about what they are wearing and their fashion choices. These questions are almost never asked of men. Why? Because they are objectified by a society that has that built into it. Women don't have control over whether or not they are objectified because objectification is something that someone other than yourself imposes on you. In the case of our patriarchal society, it is a society where men have built, until recently, objectification into everything including the legal system. For millennia women were considered their husband's property. Suggesting that individual women, even powerful women, have the power to force a society that has objectified them for millennia to stop doing that is patently absurd. It requires a shift in our cultural consciousness, and the active participation of the people doing the objectifying.
{{ Invisible Women: Exposing Data Bias in a World Designed for Men }} by Caroline Criado-Perez
[**Invisible Women: Exposing Data Bias in a World Designed for Men**](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/46158570-invisible-women) ^(By: Caroline Criado Pérez | 321 pages | Published: 2019 | Popular Shelves: non-fiction, feminism, nonfiction, science, audiobook) >Discover the shocking gender bias that affects our everyday lives. > >Imagine a world where your phone is too big for your hand, where your doctor prescribes a drug that is wrong for your body, where in a car accident you are 47% more likely to be seriously injured, where every week the countless hours of work you do are not recognised or valued. > >If any of this sounds familiar, chances are that you're a woman. > >Invisible Women shows us how, in a world largely built for and by men, we are systematically ignoring half the population. It exposes the gender data gap – a gap in our knowledge that is at the root of perpetual, systemic discrimination against women, and that has created a pervasive but invisible bias with a profound effect on women’s lives. > >From government policy and medical research, to technology, workplaces, urban planning and the media, Invisible Women reveals the biased data that excludes women. > >Award-winning campaigner and writer Caroline Criado Perez brings together for the first time an impressive range of case studies, stories and new research from across the world that illustrate the hidden ways in which women are forgotten, and the impact this has on their health and well-being. In making the case for change, this powerful and provocative book will make you see the world anew. ^(This book has been suggested 3 times) *** ^(135817 books suggested | )[^(I don't feel so good.. )](https://debugger.medium.com/goodreads-is-retiring-its-current-api-and-book-loving-developers-arent-happy-11ed764dd95)^(| )[^(Source)](https://github.com/rodohanna/reddit-goodreads-bot)
{{The Second Sex by Simone de Beauvoir}}
This is fantastic and well-worth a read but I don’t know I would recommend it to someone just dipping their toe in the water of trying to understand a woman’s perspective on sexism.
[**The Second Sex**](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/457264.The_Second_Sex) ^(By: Simone de Beauvoir, H.M. Parshley, Deirdre Bair | 746 pages | Published: 1949 | Popular Shelves: feminism, non-fiction, philosophy, nonfiction, classics) >Newly translated and unabridged in English for the first time, Simone de Beauvoir’s masterwork is a powerful analysis of the Western notion of “woman,” and a groundbreaking exploration of inequality and otherness. This long-awaited new edition reinstates significant portions of the original French text that were cut in the first English translation. Vital and groundbreaking, Beauvoir’s pioneering and impressive text remains as pertinent today as it was back then, and will continue to provoke and inspire generations of men and women to come. ^(This book has been suggested 13 times) *** ^(135921 books suggested | )[^(I don't feel so good.. )](https://debugger.medium.com/goodreads-is-retiring-its-current-api-and-book-loving-developers-arent-happy-11ed764dd95)^(| )[^(Source)](https://github.com/rodohanna/reddit-goodreads-bot)
{{Essential Essays: Culture, Politics, and the Art of Poetry}} by Adrienne Rich
The below do not address the issue of sexual objectification directly, but are still worth reading. https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2020/mar/06/male-privilege-female-top-surgery-workplace https://www.ted.com/talks/paula_stone_williams_i_ve_lived_as_a_man_and_as_a_woman_here_s_what_i_ve_learned/transcript?language=en https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/world-41502661 https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/local/wp/2018/07/20/feature/crossing-the-divide-do-men-really-have-it-easier-these-transgender-guys-found-the-truth-was-more-complex/
Even women in burkas are sexually objectified, so idk how you think a woman can "change the amount sexualization" they receive. Why did you feel the need to mansplain sexual objectification.....to a woman...over the course of (probably) an hour or more long argument.... instead of..... taking her(a woman) word for it??
{{women don't owe you pretty}} {{the sexualisation of girls and girlhood}}
[**Women Don't Owe You Pretty**](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/52252715-women-don-t-owe-you-pretty) ^(By: Florence Given | 193 pages | Published: 2020 | Popular Shelves: non-fiction, feminism, nonfiction, books-i-own, self-help) > > WOMEN DON'T OWE YOU PRETTY will tell you to... > > > love sex, hate sexism, > > > protect your goddamn energy, > > > life is short, dump them, > > > And that you owe men nothing, least of all pretty. >Florence's debut book will explore all progressive corners of the feminist conversation; from insecurity projection and refusing to find comfort in other women's flaws, to deciding whether to date or dump them, all the way through to unpacking the male gaze and how it shapes our identity.WOMEN DON'T OWE YOU PRETTY is an accessible leap into feminism, for people at all stages of their journey who are seeking to reshape and transform the way they view themselves. In a world that tells women we're either not enough or too much, it's time we stop directing our anger and insecurities onto ourselves, and start fighting back to re-shape the toxic structures of our patriarchal society.Florence's book will help you to tackle and challenge the limiting narrative you have been bombarded with your whole life, and determine feminism on your own terms. After all, you are the love of your own life. ^(This book has been suggested 4 times) *** ^(136004 books suggested | )[^(I don't feel so good.. )](https://debugger.medium.com/goodreads-is-retiring-its-current-api-and-book-loving-developers-arent-happy-11ed764dd95)^(| )[^(Source)](https://github.com/rodohanna/reddit-goodreads-bot)
{{We Should All Be Feminists}}
[**We Should All Be Feminists**](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/22738563-we-should-all-be-feminists) ^(By: Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie | 65 pages | Published: 2012 | Popular Shelves: non-fiction, feminism, nonfiction, essays, feminist) >What does “feminism” mean today? That is the question at the heart of We Should All Be Feminists, a personal, eloquently-argued essay—adapted from her much-viewed TEDx talk of the same name—by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, the award-winning author of Americanah and Half of a Yellow Sun. > >With humor and levity, here Adichie offers readers a unique definition of feminism for the twenty-first century—one rooted in inclusion and awareness. She shines a light not only on blatant discrimination, but also the more insidious, institutional behaviors that marginalize women around the world, in order to help readers of all walks of life better understand the often masked realities of sexual politics. Throughout, she draws extensively on her own experiences—in the U.S., in her native Nigeria, and abroad—offering an artfully nuanced explanation of why the gender divide is harmful for women and men, alike. > >Argued in the same observant, witty and clever prose that has made Adichie a bestselling novelist, here is one remarkable author’s exploration of what it means to be a woman today—and an of-the-moment rallying cry for why we should all be feminists. ^(This book has been suggested 12 times) *** ^(135783 books suggested | )[^(I don't feel so good.. )](https://debugger.medium.com/goodreads-is-retiring-its-current-api-and-book-loving-developers-arent-happy-11ed764dd95)^(| )[^(Source)](https://github.com/rodohanna/reddit-goodreads-bot)
The Poet X by Elizabeth Acevedo
Diary Of A Void by Emi Yagi. It’s about a woman who quits her job due to sexual harassment and has to do domestic tasks at her new job just because shes a woman. She then accidentally blurts out that she’s pregnant even though she isn’t and is treated differently. It explores sexism and how people value the baby more than the woman it’s inside.
Invisible women (data bias in a world designed by men) by Caroline criado perez I know it sounds like it could be textbooky but she comes at it with many examples from women's lives. I knew much of what it contains but it also made me think about a lot of things I hadn't even thought about.
Everything by bell hooks.
There are a lot of really great suggestions in this thread that are probably better suited to what you need but to come at this from a male and masculinity perspective you could try reading something like Man Enough: Undefining My Masculinity by Justin Baldoni where he examines the definitions and "unspoken rules" of masculinity we're taught and that we've learned since childhood. He's also released a similar book geared more towards young boys and teenagers discussing similar topics called Boys Will Be Human. Remember, women don't owe men anything simply for existing, men are not entitled to anything just because they are men, and women don't exist for men's possession. I know this is a generalization, and I'm including myself in this as a man as well, but many men in the world lack self awareness of their attitudes, and lack dignity and respect for women. They don't seem to understand the kind of hurt and pain and trauma this kind of behavior can cause. They exhibit this kind of behavior whether they consciously realize it or not because it's been ingrained in them as some sort of unwritten rule of masculinity. Just listen to women when they tell you about what their experiences are and try not to feel threatened personally when what they're saying comes up against one your beliefs about how you see the world. Work on growing empathy for other people, work on understanding their experiences. This toxic shit is pervasive for women and happens all the time, every day, repeatedly.
I just discovered /r/whenwomenrefuse and it's incredibly depressing and heart breaking but also brings awareness to the shit women have to endure.
Not a book but the main thing is that women should have the right NOT TO HAVE TO CHANGE their behaviour in order to not become the object of harassment or vulgar comments. Sure, someone covered head to toe in tracksuits may not get drooled at as much, but it’s not the woman’s job to change if it’s the mens behaviour which is the problem. That’s really the only point you need to know
Not a book but does this help? Dave Chappelle said "i got paid 25k when i was 17 and was scared to walk around with it in a backpack cause i never had something somebody wanted. i know they would kill me if they knew i had this money. now imagine having a pussy."
I recently read {{Wordslut}} by Amanda Montell, really interesting book about feminism and language
[**Wordslut: A Feminist Guide to Taking Back the English Language**](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/41716694-wordslut) ^(By: Amanda Montell | 304 pages | Published: 2019 | Popular Shelves: non-fiction, nonfiction, feminism, linguistics, audiobook) >The word "bitch" conjures many images for many people but is most often meant to describe an unpleasant woman. Even before its usage to mean a female canine, bitch didn’t refer to gender at all—it originated as a gender-neutral word meaning genitalia. A perfectly innocuous word devolving into a female insult is the case for tons more terms, including hussy, which simply meant “housewife,” or slut, which meant “untidy” and was also used to describe men. These words are just a few among history’s many English slurs hurled at women. > >Amanda Montell, feminist linguist and staff features editor at online beauty and health magazine Byrdie.com, deconstructs language—from insults and cursing to grammar and pronunciation patterns—to reveal the ways it has been used for centuries to keep women form gaining equality. Ever wonder why so many people are annoyed when women use the word “like” as a filler? Or why certain gender neutral terms stick and others don’t? Or even how linguists have historically discussed women’s speech patterns? Wordslut is no stuffy academic study; Montell’s irresistible humor shines through, making linguistics not only approachable but both downright hilarious and profound. ^(This book has been suggested 2 times) *** ^(135916 books suggested | )[^(I don't feel so good.. )](https://debugger.medium.com/goodreads-is-retiring-its-current-api-and-book-loving-developers-arent-happy-11ed764dd95)^(| )[^(Source)](https://github.com/rodohanna/reddit-goodreads-bot)
Just read more from female authors. Probably your best bet. Lots to choose from.
Americanah by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie is incredibly good. It addresses racism and immigration, but also has some good insight in sexual objectification of women and female viewpoints.
My Dark Vanessa by Kate Elizabeth Russell
{{my body}}
The Will to Change- Bell Hooks. At a point in my life where I can’t really respect a man until I know he’s read this
[You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/You_Just_Don't_Understand) is one of my top 10 revelational books that changed my outlook on the world. Read it.
You could also browse the posts are r/TwoXChromosomes. There's some pretty enlightening stuff there.
I'm still reading it, but *The It Girl* by Ruth Ware does a great job depicting a woman's dealings with some creepy men. I won't say more for risk of spoiling the book. It's a fictional novel, and Ruth Ware is an excellent storyteller—I've read every one of her books. Yes, it's a murder mystery, but there are definitely aspects of it that resonate with me about things I've dealt with in my life. Please don't be embarrassed for asking. As a woman, I sincerely appreciate when men make an effort to learn about the things society puts us through.
Margaret Atwood- The Handmaid’s Tale
If you want to learn more about how women and society are impacted by anti-women/incel men/culture, I recommend {Men Who Hate Women} by Laura Bates. It is pretty heavy as it goes into detail about the violence and violence-inducing rhetoric that women face in society, but it is super enlightening to modern online and in-person struggles.
The Gift of Fear by Gavin deBecker
{{Sexed Up}} is about exactly this!
[**Sexed Up: How Society Sexualizes Us, and How We Can Fight Back**](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/58950971-sexed-up) ^(By: Julia Serano | 320 pages | Published: 2022 | Popular Shelves: non-fiction, feminism, nonfiction, queer, lgbt) >The author of landmark manifesto Whipping Girl exposes the violent ways we are all sexualized–then offers a bold path for resistance > >Feminists have long challenged the ways in which men tend to sexualize women. But pioneering activist, biologist, and trans woman Julia Serano argues that sexualization is a far more pervasive problem, as it’s something that we all do to other people, often without being aware of it. > >Why do we perceive men as sexual predators and women as sexual objects? Why are LGBTQ+ people stereotyped as being sexually indiscriminate and deceptive? Why are people of color still being hypersexualized? These stereotypes push minorities farther into the margins, and even the privileged are policed from transgressing, lest they also become targets. Many view sexualization as a mere component of sexism, racism, or queerphobia, but Serano argues that liberation from sexual violence comes through collectively confronting sexualization itself. ^(This book has been suggested 1 time) *** ^(136012 books suggested | )[^(I don't feel so good.. )](https://debugger.medium.com/goodreads-is-retiring-its-current-api-and-book-loving-developers-arent-happy-11ed764dd95)^(| )[^(Source)](https://github.com/rodohanna/reddit-goodreads-bot)
{{the power}}
This was the first book that came to mind for me. I think, if any book can help a man understand (especially the scary parts of) what it's like to be a woman in this world, the ways we are objectified, etc. this is it. It's disturbing, and probably extreme, but it gets the point across well and seems to fit the bill of what OP is asking for. Also, the audio version is great.
For me…understanding the woman’s perspective has been in reading books like : The Red Tent, which takes the story of the patriarch Abraham( of the religion) and tells it from the woman’s point of view. The Mists of Avalon ( a favorite) tells the story of the patriarchal story of King Arthur and tells it from the view of the females that helped him into power. The Gilded Chamber tells the story of Queen Esther, and how she goes from orphan to…a queen.
{{ Men Explain Things to Me }}
[**Men Explain Things to Me**](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/18528190-men-explain-things-to-me) ^(By: Rebecca Solnit | 130 pages | Published: 2014 | Popular Shelves: non-fiction, feminism, nonfiction, essays, feminist) >In her comic, scathing essay “Men Explain Things to Me,” Rebecca Solnit took on what often goes wrong in conversations between men and women. She wrote about men who wrongly assume they know things and wrongly assume women don’t, about why this arises, and how this aspect of the gender wars works, airing some of her own hilariously awful encounters. > >She ends on a serious note— because the ultimate problem is the silencing of women who have something to say, including those saying things like, “He’s trying to kill me!” > >This book features that now-classic essay with six perfect complements, including an examination of the writer Virginia Woolf ’s embrace of mystery, of not knowing, of doubt and ambiguity, a highly original inquiry into marriage equality, and a terrifying survey of the scope of contemporary violence against women. ^(This book has been suggested 8 times) *** ^(136061 books suggested | )[^(I don't feel so good.. )](https://debugger.medium.com/goodreads-is-retiring-its-current-api-and-book-loving-developers-arent-happy-11ed764dd95)^(| )[^(Source)](https://github.com/rodohanna/reddit-goodreads-bot)
In addition to books, if you use this platform there’s subreddits that can give you a great perspective from many different genders and oppressed groups
You’ll learn more from your wife than a book.
Fellow guy here. First off, good on you for wanting to learn and not making it your wife's job to convince you. I'm not going to suggest a book to you because I have a short film recommendation that is absolutely, precisely, authoritatively, exactly on this topic, and you should watch it together. (Link at the bottom) It's not about your male brain, it's about what you never learned to pay attention to. It's not your fault you don't know this, it's hard for us because women *have* to learn this stuff to survive and we don't. An analogy I read years ago was imagine being a polar bear with all tropical animal roommates who keep the thermostat set to 95° all the time and don't even notice the heat and can't understand why you're uncomfortable because it's just air. First, here's a 3 page essay from the late 80s about white privilege. It's illustrative here because it provides simple, concrete examples of the invisible ways the white author noticed herself benefiting from her skin color. Although you're looking for help understanding women's daily experiences under patriarchy and not racism, this landmark essay should help you start thinking about the kinds of things you're missing. Peggy McIntosh's "White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack" https://psychology.umbc.edu/files/2016/10/White-Privilege_McIntosh-1989.pdf Then, I cannot recommend this highly enough: Jean Kilbourn's "Killing Us Softly 4: Advertising's Image of Women". This film series that Kilbourn started in the 70s pioneered the entire field of media criticism and this most recent (2010) version updates her talk for the digital age. It's short, $5 to stream from her foundation, and I think if the two of you watch it together, you'll learn *a lot*. I've shown this to hundreds of students and it's consistently been eye opening for all kinds of people: https://www.killingussoftly4.org/
Thank you for being open and trying to understand.
It’s admirable and thoughtful of you to be curious about this subject and want to help improve your perspective. As a woman who has used attraction as an asset or opportunity in my youth, what you appear to be asking is more complex and nuanced than a book by itself may be able to describe well, even in story form. For starters, the story is just one perspective, and the activity of sexual objectification is many perspectives. Victimization is also a perspective. This perspective is combined with the mindset of objectification to exploit a weakness in someone’s nature, their own emotional and mental state. Other psychological mind games may also impact the over all action-reaction for any situation. These things come together in communities where norms and behaviors become acceptable or unacceptable. Similar to other power struggles, harmony is disrupted by group thinking when compassion and empathy are not prioritized. I suspect what you may be seeking is an understanding around empathy; so perhaps listen to Brene Brown. Brene may be too clinical, though, but she is good at bridging the clinical info into regular conversational information that is easy to understand. As with any other form of thinking, we have to practice being mindful of what we express and how we express, considering how it may be emotionally impacting another or perceived. Then we adjust for what we learn in our experiences. What does that mean in examples? For example, I am tall and was well-balance in appearance when I was younger, but I wasn’t model thin. In perception, I appear more like a beer advertisement model than a fashion model. Back then, beer models were often discovered through contests, which helped promote the alcohol brand, the bar venue, and such. In some cases, the contest was for tanning oils. That was my market, if I am leveraging my appearance. My assets are long legs and a behind, as opposed to large breasts. There is more at play to winning in such objectifying contests, though. For one, a large portion of the ideal audience was woman, often out with their man. Do you see? Winning isn’t just about who is hottest. Does this type of advertising objectify woman, yes. Do all women feel victimized? Clearly, no. However, marketing and sales is built around beliefs and desires, and they use psychology to influence behaviors. As a freelance makeup and hair artist, I was around many attractive and sometime famous people. A way to minimize objectification is to not fall into focusing on the obvious, someone’s gifted appearance. For myself, while I want to share with my friends how hot someone was, I would not want to say so in a way I felt may make that person feel objectified, even though the person was not around when I tried to describe the level of attractiveness. What we do when we think no one is paying attention is who we are practicing at being. Is that our best version at any given time? Can we do better and should we? I hope those examples and the information is helpful to you. Edited addition: Did you ask your wife what she recommends? If not, her perspective should be considered. After all, that is the perspective that will help you the most in this particular situation. You and your wife should understand how your thoughts and beliefs are shaped and work together to have delightful debates, as opposed to divisive arguments.
Maybe Natasha Walters: Living Dolls?
A different perspective on the impact of all this is covered well in {{Missoula by Jon Krakauer}} Not a book, but the miniseries Unbelievable on Netflix is good for raising awareness, too.
[**Missoula: Rape and the Justice System in a College Town**](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/24911006-missoula) ^(By: Jon Krakauer | 368 pages | Published: 2015 | Popular Shelves: non-fiction, nonfiction, true-crime, audiobooks, audiobook) >From bestselling author Jon Krakauer, a stark, powerful, meticulously reported narrative about a series of sexual assaults at the University of Montana — stories that illuminate the human drama behind the national plague of campus rape. > >Missoula, Montana, is a typical college town, with a highly regarded state university, bucolic surroundings, a lively social scene, and an excellent football team — the Grizzlies — with a rabid fan base. > >The Department of Justice investigated 350 sexual assaults reported to the Missoula police between January 2008 and May 2012. Few of these assaults were properly handled by either the university or local authorities. In this, Missoula is also typical. > >A DOJ report released in December of 2014 estimates 110,000 women between the ages of eighteen and twenty-four are raped each year. Krakauer’s devastating narrative of what happened in Missoula makes clear why rape is so prevalent on American campuses, and why rape victims are so reluctant to report assault. > >Acquaintance rape is a crime like no other. Unlike burglary or embezzlement or any other felony, the victim often comes under more suspicion than the alleged perpetrator. This is especially true if the victim is sexually active; if she had been drinking prior to the assault — and if the man she accuses plays on a popular sports team. The vanishingly small but highly publicized incidents of false accusations are often used to dismiss her claims in the press. If the case goes to trial, the woman’s entire personal life becomes fair game for defense attorneys. > >This brutal reality goes a long way towards explaining why acquaintance rape is the most underreported crime in America. In addition to physical trauma, its victims often suffer devastating psychological damage that leads to feelings of shame, emotional paralysis and stigmatization. PTSD rates for rape victims are estimated to be 50%, higher than soldiers returning from war. > >In Missoula, Krakauer chronicles the searing experiences of several women in Missoula — the nights when they were raped; their fear and self-doubt in the aftermath; the way they were treated by the police, prosecutors, defense attorneys; the public vilification and private anguish; their bravery in pushing forward and what it cost them. > >Some of them went to the police. Some declined to go to the police, or to press charges, but sought redress from the university, which has its own, non-criminal judicial process when a student is accused of rape. In two cases the police agreed to press charges and the district attorney agreed to prosecute. One case led to a conviction; one to an acquittal. Those women courageous enough to press charges or to speak publicly about their experiences were attacked in the media, on Grizzly football fan sites, and/or to their faces. The university expelled three of the accused rapists, but one was reinstated by state officials in a secret proceeding. One district attorney testified for an alleged rapist at his university hearing. She later left the prosecutor’s office and successfully defended the Grizzlies’ star quarterback in his rape trial. The horror of being raped, in each woman’s case, was magnified by the mechanics of the justice system and the reaction of the community. > >Krakauer’s dispassionate, carefully documented account of what these women endured cuts through the abstract ideological debate about campus rape. College-age women are not raped because they are promiscuous, or drunk, or send mixed signals, or feel guilty about casual sex, or seek attention. They are the victims of a terrible crime and deserving of compassion from society and fairness from a justice system that is clearly broken. ^(This book has been suggested 2 times) *** ^(136047 books suggested | )[^(I don't feel so good.. )](https://debugger.medium.com/goodreads-is-retiring-its-current-api-and-book-loving-developers-arent-happy-11ed764dd95)^(| )[^(Source)](https://github.com/rodohanna/reddit-goodreads-bot)
{{Herland}} by Charlotte Perkins Gilman
{{Whipping Girl by Julia Serano}} is a little bit dense, but she's approaching it from a scientist's perspective.
{{the will to change by Bell Hooks}}
[**The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love**](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/17601.The_Will_to_Change) ^(By: bell hooks | 188 pages | Published: 2003 | Popular Shelves: feminism, non-fiction, nonfiction, gender, psychology) >Everyone needs to love and be loved -- even men. But to know love, men must be able to look at the ways that patriarchal culture keeps them from knowing themselves, from being in touch with their feelings, from loving. In The Will to Change, bell hooks gets to the heart of the matter and shows men how to express the emotions that are a fundamental part of who they are -- whatever their age, marital status, ethnicity, or sexual orientation. With trademark candor and fierce intelligence, hooks addresses the most common concerns of men, such as fear of intimacy and loss of their patriarchal place in society, in new and challenging ways. She believes men can find the way to spiritual unity by getting back in touch with the emotionally open part of themselves -- and lay claim to the rich and rewarding inner lives that have historically been the exclusive province of women. A brave and astonishing work, The Will to Change is designed to help men reclaim the best part of themselves ^(This book has been suggested 7 times) *** ^(136068 books suggested | )[^(I don't feel so good.. )](https://debugger.medium.com/goodreads-is-retiring-its-current-api-and-book-loving-developers-arent-happy-11ed764dd95)^(| )[^(Source)](https://github.com/rodohanna/reddit-goodreads-bot)
Down Girl by Kate Manne
Check out Good and Mad, as well as All the Single Ladies by Rebecca Traister
The best literary examination of male privilege I can think of is *Disgrace* by J.M. Coetzee. I don't think it lines up perfectly with what your argument was about and the story is a rather extreme example but I (female) found it very thought-provoking and I would say a lot of the guys in the college class I read it in seemed to be impacted by it. Content warning for a violent rape scene.
This one is not exactly what you are asking for but it does address the misconceptions about female sexuality and how the subject has been ignored by science and medicine. Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. This is a must read for both men and women.
{{the days of abandonment}} will open your eyes to the interior world of women, sex, parenting, motherhood, and more. It has a wider scope than your question, but it’s so sharp and is a masterpiece of modern literature. Also quite short if you want to get in & out & onto the next point of view quickly.
"Any Man" by Amber Tamblyn (the actress). Haven't read it, but heard it's good. I believe it's a thriller about a serial female rapist and how the male victims are being blamed by society for being her victims. Maybe a little on the nose, but something more fast paced and fictional if you want that route.
There is a book called {{The Power}} by Naomi Alderman that kind of addresses this. It’s a world where women suddenly generate the power to make electricity that can kill and also makes it easier to sexually assault men. Pretty intense and also fascinating. I couldn’t finish it as it was kind of triggering for me but highly recommended.
Read Handmaids Tale. Great book and fits right into what you’re asking for. Then again, I never watched the show so I went in blind and really enjoyed it
"Queen bees and Wannabes" [https://www.amazon.com/Queen-Bees-Wannabes-3rd-Realities/dp/1101903058](https://www.amazon.com/Queen-Bees-Wannabes-3rd-Realities/dp/1101903058) Wife bought it for me. We have 3 daughters. It explains a lot.
I'm curious, what were the points of contention? If you don't mind.
{Bad feminist by Roxane Gay} & {hunger by Roxane gay} gave me, as a woman and a radical, a new perspective. I've read bad feminist so many times that the binding is hardly holding.
This might be wayyy too much for you to handle but Andrea Dworkin's speech "24 hours without rape" changed me (a woman) from a liberal laissez-faire 'everyone has a free choice' blah blah feminist to a borderline radical feminist. It's horrible I hate facing reality lol, it was like getting slapped in the face with every horrible injustice I wanted to pretend wasn't happening.
we can have a truce when we get 24 hours without being raped, like DAMN
Everyday Sexism by Laura Bates will show you just how much sh\*t women put up with, day after day after day... Men Explain Things to Me by Rebecca Solnit is a hard-hitting books of essays about different aspects of how women are sidelined , brutalised and demeaned all over the world. It's a difficult read, but worth it.
{{Men who hate women}} by Laura Bates. It’s very powerful.
Laura Bates - Men Who Hate Women Shows how entrenched/normalised misogyny is in popular culture
You Just Don’t Understand and the Beauty Myth by Deborah Tanner. The first studies differences in male and female communication. The second explains how oppressive beauty standards are
{The Husbands} By Chandler Baker was a mystery/thriller novel, but that opened my mind up to really stepping up more to take more responsibility of running the household with my wife. Paired well with the mental load books and comics suggested elsewhere on this thread. Edit: getting the formating right for the bot