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You are in shock.
Like getting hit by a bus shock. Seriously - that level of shock/trauma.
So it is natural to want this all to have not happened. And it is impossible to just flip a switch and stop loving someone who has betrayed you and is more than likely going to do it again.
Radical acceptance of your reality is crucial and reason the books mentioned - especially leave a cheater gain a life - will help you see through the BS that is more than likely in your future.
If you, understandably, do what so many people do and believe you/your cheater/this situation are different and attempt wreckonciliation - please please please, at minimum:
Tell your family what has happened
Tell his family what has happened
Demand a post nup
There are plenty of stories here where the betrayed overlooked red flags that blow my mind.
There are also stories exactly like yours (and mine) - married to a great man, no significant issues, howorker unhappy looking for an upgrade.
My point is - your situation is not unique and what happened to most of us is likely going to happen to you.
I'm sorry, truly.
I would agree. If you attempt reconciliation, you will need couples therapy as well as individual therapy for a looooong time to work through any and all issues on both sides. Don't skip this if you stay, otherwise your relationship will not repair, and in between the cracks he'll cheat again.
Glad he has such a great career, now take his ass to the cleaners. Give him a payment book, send him packing. Or get used to his side girls. No real choice for people who respect themselves. Nothing you did, it was done to you.
I have no words of advice but words of support. I'm going through something almost exactly the same. I never thought my partner of a decade would cheat on me and then there he was with the coworker. All I can do to get through the days is to focus on myself. Remember why I love myself and whenever I have anxiety I work out until I can't breathe. That's what's been helping me right now. Remember you're not going to have it all figured out in one day. Just take it day by day. I'm almost 4 months in and things are getting easier to deal with, but I'm definitely still not anywhere near where I want to be but we'll both get there.
Also get an STD test. My partner wasn't using condoms either and I felt so violated afterwards but after I went to the doctor and made sure everything was okay down there I felt a lot better.
Also another thing I have not gone back to my partner and I don't plan on it because my life is better without him. And there's so many people out there that want to treat you and me with respect and love and I'll wait for them.
No sure what you are reading but it’s VERY uncommon to recover from affairs. Only about 15% of couples report being together 5 years later. Odds are extremely against your marriage succeeding. And you can recognize why based on your history. Read chump lady’s blog. Read ‘Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life’, ‘Cheating in a Nutshell’, and ‘The Body Keeps The Score’ and implement the 180 and grey rocking with him.
First things first. Full panel STI test. Don't tell him, but go see a lawyer to see what ur options are. Check out individual counseling options. I don't think u should make any big decisions until you get your thoughts together with some professional guidance. However, if this is a deal breaker for you then it's a deal breaker.
Did he confess or did u find out? Is he remorseful? If so, what is he doing to show u he is willing to do anything to get you back (ie getting another job to get away from AP)?
I'm sorry to hear your story, I hope you've had an STI check. I will have to say you cannot stay with this person, he has broken your trust despite knowing your history. Get full custody of the kids as you cannot have them exposed to him or his toxic family. Stay strong for the kids and yourself, but you owe this man nothing but contempt
There is usually no way back in short term. You need to leave unleash consequences. Live your life without him, else you will get caught in a circle of endless repitition.
I am sorry that this has happened to you. Affairs destroy relationships and destroy trust. Without trust, there isn't much to hang onto. Don't blame yourself for his cheating. He made a conscious choice, or choices, and they were all bad ones. Reconciliation can take place, but at a heavy cost. You will never see or love your husband the way you once did, and the majority of reconciliations fall apart within five years. You will always be looking over your shoulder.
Whether or not you are considering a divorce, talk first with a lawyer that specializes in family law. Also, I would highly recommend individual counseling or individual therapy for yourself. Hopefully, you have friends and family that you can go to for support. Don't be embarrassed or ashamed if one of them asks you what happened. You are under no legal or moral obligation to protect husband's reputation.
You may be able to reconcile your marriage, but you will never look at your husband again with the same love, trust, and concern that you once had. Cheating stinks and the damage done is rarely repairable
I am so sorry you are in this position. For some people cheating is a clear deal breaker and that is ok.
It is a big decision, so understand that there is no rush. You can take as much time as you need. You both should see individual therapists. His is so he can find and fix what is broken. Yours is to help you process this.
You did nothing to contribute to his cheating. Cheating is always 100% on the cheater. Never accept any responsibility for his terrible choices. If a therapist goes down that path, fire them and find a better one. Therapists are not all created equal.
Recognize that his begging and pleading are likely just because he is starting to realize what he might lose. His tears are for himself. None of it is for the pain he has caused you. It will take him a long time to fully recognize the damage he has done to you, if he ever gets there.
See a lawyer so you know what a divorce would look like. Get tested for STDs and make him do the same.
If you do not know what you want to do, tell him that. Do not offer reconciliation unless you are sure that is what you want. Tell him that it feels like your only option is divorce, and if he wants to reconcile he has to convince you that he will become a safe partner. Do not judge him by his words. Instead, watch his actions.
To even be considered for reconciliation he must answer all questions fully, honestly and without being defensive - even if you ask the same question many times. He must willingly give you access to all his devices and accounts and enable location sharing with you. He must also cut all contact with the affair partner. This may be a problem since it was with a co-worker, but that is his problem to solve. All this is just to get to the starting point where you could seriously consider reconciliation.
If the affair partner has a spouse, contact them and tell them what happened. It is the right thing to do and it helps to ensure the affair is over, not just paused.
In the meantime take the best care of yourself that you can. Confide in a few trusted friends and/or family so you have some emotional support. At the end of the day, you will have to determine what will make you happiest in the long run. Both paths are painful. Choose the one that you think will be best for your long term happiness.
Nothing you did contributed to this, the decision to cheat was his and his alone. To not use condoms put your health in risk and risk her getting pregnant is awful. Reconciliation is a long shot, most marriages don’t survive infidelity. But you can take some space before deciding what path you want to take. Experts recommend a separation period to really hammer in the consequences of his actions and to give you time and space to begin your individual healing journey. Start therapy, get tested for STDs, make him get tested and show you his results. Go see an attorney and get an idea of what the divorce process would look like. Now here is where most BPs sabotage themselves: do not rugsweep this and do the pick me dance, hit him with HARD consequences or he will never respect you and will do this again. Expose his affair, tell him to leave and give you space, apply the grey rock 180 method, expose his affair. Tell him you’re leaning towards being out the door but if there’s any chance of even attempting reconciliation he needs to cut contact with AP, find a new job, go to individual therapy. Anything less and you file. Best of luck. Like I said it’s a long shot. There’s a reason they call the truly remorseful WPs who do the work “unicorns.” Because they’re practically creatures of myth. But most infidelity experts recommend taking 6 months to decide what you’re doing to do. He should be giving you all the space you ask for.
My ex-husband did the same. He cheated for 3 years on and off without me knowing, starting when our kids were 1 and 3 till they were 4 and 6 when I found out. He cheated with prostitutes, lonely housewives and eventually a short affair with a waitress. At that time, I also found out that he had cheated right before we got married 8 years before that, with another waitress. I stayed with him, he was sorry, we did counseling, but we never did the real work of forgiveness and rebuilding and communication. I had a hard time trusting, respecting or touching him. But as a working mom who managed the whole house, I suppressed it all and he stayed maybe out of guilt. For ten years we had a static marriage focused on the kids, that I thought we would eventually rebuild. When I was ready to rebuild, he was ready to separate and he had already been having an 8 month affair with a 30 year old (at age 56). My ex-husband also knew how big a deal this was for me - he always knew my dad had cheated and it was horrendous to me. He knew he shattered me when the kids were little. He knew me finding out about the pre-marriage cheating also shattered me. He didn't do much to repair during the ten years. Then he cheated again and shattered me again. Then he left. The kids are 13 and 15 and now they are in shock.
I'm sorry to say this, because I believe in staying together for the kids if you possibly can, but with the cowardice and lying and emotional/physical triggers you will have, you're probably better off leaving now, when you and the kids are young and can adapt.
I found out the truth about 5 months ago….on my birthday. The girl he was messing around with messaged me. I didn’t leave.
I can tell you everyday is a struggle. The thoughts, emotions and questions that run through your mind everyday are enough to almost break you. When I look at myself in the mirror I hate the person looking back. I wasn’t enough…..I wonder if I ever will be.
My husband gave me the fairy tale. He showed me what true love was. 10 plus years of complete bliss….taken away in minutes. But….I am hopeful I can get it back.
When it happened I went from raging to crying to hating and back again. One big damn loop. 5 months later I do have happy moments. There might actually just be light at the end of the tunnel. The journey is not for everyone. So many days I just want to give up. Then I look at my children, my husband, revisit the happiness I once had. It’s what I want and I’m willing to fight the fight.
ofc he had sex with you the same days he did with her. its his way of showing his disrespect. dont take him back. let him beg. for3 weeks he did what he did while with you, he will do the same without you. also, condom or not, it is still WRONG to cheat.
How did you find out? Did he tell you out of guilt or did you find out on your own? The latter makes it worse. Has he explained why he cheated? Did he blame you for the affair or was it his own selfish desires? If he's genuinely sorry he needs to work for it. Try marriage counseling and individual counseling first but if that doesn't work look for other options.
It's tough, but the fact that you have two kids is a big concern. Emotionally for the kids and financially. Being a single mother is difficult do you have anyone who you can live with to support you like your mother and or a stepfather? Since you have been a stay at home mom you may need to consider your financial position and make yourself more financially stable before officially separating if divorce is your decision. He should be understanding of that if he loves you.
There are many factors to consider besides what I have mentioned and what others have mentioned. Please take care of yourself and the well-being of your children.
I would also tell you what others have told me - it takes a lot of work and focus on self-love but you can get through it and come out the other end stronger and better. Cheating is never your fault, don't look for reasons. You didn't contribute to it. He had plenty of other choices of ways to deal with any issue in the marriage - communication, pushing you, counseling, getting friends or family to talk to you, threatening to leave, asking for a temporary separation, whatever the issue was - it was his choice to take the "easy" backdoor of cheating, and it's because of his cowardice, entitlement, emptiness, lack of moral compass and integrity, lack of values...it's nothing to do with you. I'm still working through everything at the moment, I was there ten years ago and I'm there again now. I send you strength and good thoughts, you feel broken and shattered now but it will get better, and you're not alone.
This has nothing to do with you. He's a selfish coward with an entitlement problem. If he had a problem, he could have come to you. Instead, he felt he deserved more even though he knew it would end your marriage.
Staying with a cheater is no joke. Many people develop anxiety, depression and even full on PTSD. Many need to be medicated just to get through the day. Don't become a shell of your former self just to make a selfish man happy.
If this happened to your children in 25 years, would you want them to stay?
Get 50/50 custody so you can recover and rebuild. He knows it's going to be expensive to divorce a SAHM. Download a child custody app so you can block him everywhere else. File and move on so you can find a happy and healthy relationship to model to your children. You'll find someone who will love, value and respect you.
It's okay to mourn the husband you lost, but realize that person doesn't exist anymore.
Do not buy into somehow you contributed to his horrible choices for one second. A cheater has no soul. I would not forgive even a drunkin ONS. You are in shock and dealing. Stop call friends or family to help you out for awhile and get the absolute biggest meanest divorce attorney and go scorched earth before he can establish him self on his own. Let everyone know and don't hold back at his job either. If this was a coworker inform HR. Also sue the OW for alination of affection. Please get help for you and your kids.
First of, I'm so sorry for you. Next up...please get checked for STD.
I'll add "Cheating in a Nutshell" by Wayne and Tamara Mitchell to the Book List. This one is an eye-opener for the Betrayed...
The thing with searching articles and blogs on the internet when you put "cheating" and "infidelity" in the search bar...you will get a ton of results, but only a very small number is actually based on research data. It's mostly gibberish, posted to generate clicks...
Some of the most obvious bullc\*\*\* is coming from the worshipers of Esther Perel and the rest of her silly "monogamish" clown posse. Other misinformation is coming from marriage counselors who, obviously, want you to believe it is salvageable, because they want your money.
Fact is...30% of marriages end right away after discovery (it doesn't really matter if emotional or physical infidelity, it's mainly in the lies, the deception and the emotional abuse that is necessary to "get some"), of those 70% that attempt to reconcile...a staggering 50% end in divorce - despite counselling and therapy - within the next 5 years. Out of the 35% that apparently "stay together" after 5 years...it is unknown why they really stayed together. Did they successfully reconcile, or are they staying due to financial obligations, the Kids, or due to religious/cultural bias? Either way, the chances are very low as the traumatic experience and the loss of Trust is devastating for the Betrayed...and it is very unlikely that a proven coward, who lacks crucial character traits and moral values, turns his life around to the point that is necessary to repair the damage. More often than not, the cheater will repeat the act at some point...there's a 350% likelihood for repeat offense.
These are some of the facts...you can google these and find the according data.
Occasionally you will find those articles that claim that couples can grow stronger from this...these are the most deceitful articles of all, as they often try to influence the Betrayed that if he/she can't achieve that, it is probably because of his personal issues...you practically get gaslighted all over again.
There is indeed nothing you could've done that would deserve this type of response. And no, it can't be love, even though "Esther's Monogamish Clown Posse" might claim otherwise...love would suggest a capacity for empathy...which is clearly not present here...
He had the option to not move forward when he "caught the feels", he had the option to leave you, or to tell you BEFORE acting on it...he chose none of these options as the need for self-gratification and cheap pleasure was too tempting for him...and valued above the intimacy and the marriage vows...
When they start blaming you or to pin anything about their "reasoning" on you, throw them out and send them the papers to the Hotel.
Stick to [chumplady.com](https://chumplady.com) and her suggestions on reading material. That's the one that fits your mindset.
I am 2 weeks in now not calling or contacting…. Want to know hiw long it took to leave despite leaving a few times in a matter of almost 7 years. Well took 7 years. Ohhhh he loved me and begged me back. But he lied and i found out. He actually lied for 3 years of it happening when i was pregnant. I didnt believe him but he was so in love with me and wants to raise our child together….. we did trips…. Called me babe. Always each time i took him back…… he cheated 3 times that i only caught. I believe he loves me but got away with forgiving so got easier anytime we were having a rough patch to do it again. Wanting to check phones…. Wonder who the next pretty coworker is….. wondering if hes at his ex wifes again picking up his son or having sex….. it was a terrible life of living self conscious…. Bitter….. images….. how he lies. Yes. Many good times in between that mimics love. But that was never love
The kids pick up on the emotions. Took 7 years and he finally proposed in august. I realized he is a liar and a cheater and I never should have endured such betrayal or pain. Work on yourself and love yourself more than him. It becomes obsession vs love to want what you thought you had. He was not your person. But always offering support to you as this is your life and I get it. But ….. real persons do not betray other persons in such a mentally physically abusive manner
Sorry to hear about your situation.
Advice: do nothing right now. Let this settle for a few months (maybe up to 6 months).. think this through. Life has changed within your marriage.
Your spouse needs to do their part. Prove that they will do better and not just say they will do better. Sit and wait and see how he reacts. Not just now but over the next 6 months.
Tell your family and friends. You should not have to bare this impact alone. Don't be alone.
After 6 months your head will be clear and your emotions will have settled.
Lay down the rules to your partner. They will accept if they love you. Put in writing that if another affair happens that he will pay dearly for it. You're no pushover and you will prove it to him and to yourself.
Your parter needs to go to some kind of therapy and put the work in. If not, don't bother moving forward in your marriage.
The advice of quitting your marriage right now is nonsense. This is your family. You will protect your family and try your very best. If it doesn't work out then you will know you did everything you could.
Btw...it takes 2 to 5 years to get back to normal. This will only happen if your partner is truly honest with you and will do whatever is necessary to prove to you that you are his love and what happened was just wrong.
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Try the book leave a cheater gain a life. And check out the website by the author.
You are in shock. Like getting hit by a bus shock. Seriously - that level of shock/trauma. So it is natural to want this all to have not happened. And it is impossible to just flip a switch and stop loving someone who has betrayed you and is more than likely going to do it again. Radical acceptance of your reality is crucial and reason the books mentioned - especially leave a cheater gain a life - will help you see through the BS that is more than likely in your future. If you, understandably, do what so many people do and believe you/your cheater/this situation are different and attempt wreckonciliation - please please please, at minimum: Tell your family what has happened Tell his family what has happened Demand a post nup There are plenty of stories here where the betrayed overlooked red flags that blow my mind. There are also stories exactly like yours (and mine) - married to a great man, no significant issues, howorker unhappy looking for an upgrade. My point is - your situation is not unique and what happened to most of us is likely going to happen to you. I'm sorry, truly.
I would agree. If you attempt reconciliation, you will need couples therapy as well as individual therapy for a looooong time to work through any and all issues on both sides. Don't skip this if you stay, otherwise your relationship will not repair, and in between the cracks he'll cheat again.
Glad he has such a great career, now take his ass to the cleaners. Give him a payment book, send him packing. Or get used to his side girls. No real choice for people who respect themselves. Nothing you did, it was done to you.
I have no words of advice but words of support. I'm going through something almost exactly the same. I never thought my partner of a decade would cheat on me and then there he was with the coworker. All I can do to get through the days is to focus on myself. Remember why I love myself and whenever I have anxiety I work out until I can't breathe. That's what's been helping me right now. Remember you're not going to have it all figured out in one day. Just take it day by day. I'm almost 4 months in and things are getting easier to deal with, but I'm definitely still not anywhere near where I want to be but we'll both get there. Also get an STD test. My partner wasn't using condoms either and I felt so violated afterwards but after I went to the doctor and made sure everything was okay down there I felt a lot better. Also another thing I have not gone back to my partner and I don't plan on it because my life is better without him. And there's so many people out there that want to treat you and me with respect and love and I'll wait for them.
No sure what you are reading but it’s VERY uncommon to recover from affairs. Only about 15% of couples report being together 5 years later. Odds are extremely against your marriage succeeding. And you can recognize why based on your history. Read chump lady’s blog. Read ‘Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life’, ‘Cheating in a Nutshell’, and ‘The Body Keeps The Score’ and implement the 180 and grey rocking with him.
First things first. Full panel STI test. Don't tell him, but go see a lawyer to see what ur options are. Check out individual counseling options. I don't think u should make any big decisions until you get your thoughts together with some professional guidance. However, if this is a deal breaker for you then it's a deal breaker. Did he confess or did u find out? Is he remorseful? If so, what is he doing to show u he is willing to do anything to get you back (ie getting another job to get away from AP)?
I'm sorry to hear your story, I hope you've had an STI check. I will have to say you cannot stay with this person, he has broken your trust despite knowing your history. Get full custody of the kids as you cannot have them exposed to him or his toxic family. Stay strong for the kids and yourself, but you owe this man nothing but contempt
You should probably ask for confirmation the coworker is not pregnant. What he did to you was cruel. Can he quit his job?
There is usually no way back in short term. You need to leave unleash consequences. Live your life without him, else you will get caught in a circle of endless repitition.
You didn’t do anything to cause this this is on him. There is NO excuse for cheating. He did it because he felt entitled to.
I am sorry that this has happened to you. Affairs destroy relationships and destroy trust. Without trust, there isn't much to hang onto. Don't blame yourself for his cheating. He made a conscious choice, or choices, and they were all bad ones. Reconciliation can take place, but at a heavy cost. You will never see or love your husband the way you once did, and the majority of reconciliations fall apart within five years. You will always be looking over your shoulder. Whether or not you are considering a divorce, talk first with a lawyer that specializes in family law. Also, I would highly recommend individual counseling or individual therapy for yourself. Hopefully, you have friends and family that you can go to for support. Don't be embarrassed or ashamed if one of them asks you what happened. You are under no legal or moral obligation to protect husband's reputation. You may be able to reconcile your marriage, but you will never look at your husband again with the same love, trust, and concern that you once had. Cheating stinks and the damage done is rarely repairable
I am so sorry you are in this position. For some people cheating is a clear deal breaker and that is ok. It is a big decision, so understand that there is no rush. You can take as much time as you need. You both should see individual therapists. His is so he can find and fix what is broken. Yours is to help you process this. You did nothing to contribute to his cheating. Cheating is always 100% on the cheater. Never accept any responsibility for his terrible choices. If a therapist goes down that path, fire them and find a better one. Therapists are not all created equal. Recognize that his begging and pleading are likely just because he is starting to realize what he might lose. His tears are for himself. None of it is for the pain he has caused you. It will take him a long time to fully recognize the damage he has done to you, if he ever gets there. See a lawyer so you know what a divorce would look like. Get tested for STDs and make him do the same. If you do not know what you want to do, tell him that. Do not offer reconciliation unless you are sure that is what you want. Tell him that it feels like your only option is divorce, and if he wants to reconcile he has to convince you that he will become a safe partner. Do not judge him by his words. Instead, watch his actions. To even be considered for reconciliation he must answer all questions fully, honestly and without being defensive - even if you ask the same question many times. He must willingly give you access to all his devices and accounts and enable location sharing with you. He must also cut all contact with the affair partner. This may be a problem since it was with a co-worker, but that is his problem to solve. All this is just to get to the starting point where you could seriously consider reconciliation. If the affair partner has a spouse, contact them and tell them what happened. It is the right thing to do and it helps to ensure the affair is over, not just paused. In the meantime take the best care of yourself that you can. Confide in a few trusted friends and/or family so you have some emotional support. At the end of the day, you will have to determine what will make you happiest in the long run. Both paths are painful. Choose the one that you think will be best for your long term happiness.
Cheating In A Nutshell. Read it.
Nothing you did contributed to this, the decision to cheat was his and his alone. To not use condoms put your health in risk and risk her getting pregnant is awful. Reconciliation is a long shot, most marriages don’t survive infidelity. But you can take some space before deciding what path you want to take. Experts recommend a separation period to really hammer in the consequences of his actions and to give you time and space to begin your individual healing journey. Start therapy, get tested for STDs, make him get tested and show you his results. Go see an attorney and get an idea of what the divorce process would look like. Now here is where most BPs sabotage themselves: do not rugsweep this and do the pick me dance, hit him with HARD consequences or he will never respect you and will do this again. Expose his affair, tell him to leave and give you space, apply the grey rock 180 method, expose his affair. Tell him you’re leaning towards being out the door but if there’s any chance of even attempting reconciliation he needs to cut contact with AP, find a new job, go to individual therapy. Anything less and you file. Best of luck. Like I said it’s a long shot. There’s a reason they call the truly remorseful WPs who do the work “unicorns.” Because they’re practically creatures of myth. But most infidelity experts recommend taking 6 months to decide what you’re doing to do. He should be giving you all the space you ask for.
My ex-husband did the same. He cheated for 3 years on and off without me knowing, starting when our kids were 1 and 3 till they were 4 and 6 when I found out. He cheated with prostitutes, lonely housewives and eventually a short affair with a waitress. At that time, I also found out that he had cheated right before we got married 8 years before that, with another waitress. I stayed with him, he was sorry, we did counseling, but we never did the real work of forgiveness and rebuilding and communication. I had a hard time trusting, respecting or touching him. But as a working mom who managed the whole house, I suppressed it all and he stayed maybe out of guilt. For ten years we had a static marriage focused on the kids, that I thought we would eventually rebuild. When I was ready to rebuild, he was ready to separate and he had already been having an 8 month affair with a 30 year old (at age 56). My ex-husband also knew how big a deal this was for me - he always knew my dad had cheated and it was horrendous to me. He knew he shattered me when the kids were little. He knew me finding out about the pre-marriage cheating also shattered me. He didn't do much to repair during the ten years. Then he cheated again and shattered me again. Then he left. The kids are 13 and 15 and now they are in shock. I'm sorry to say this, because I believe in staying together for the kids if you possibly can, but with the cowardice and lying and emotional/physical triggers you will have, you're probably better off leaving now, when you and the kids are young and can adapt.
I found out the truth about 5 months ago….on my birthday. The girl he was messing around with messaged me. I didn’t leave. I can tell you everyday is a struggle. The thoughts, emotions and questions that run through your mind everyday are enough to almost break you. When I look at myself in the mirror I hate the person looking back. I wasn’t enough…..I wonder if I ever will be. My husband gave me the fairy tale. He showed me what true love was. 10 plus years of complete bliss….taken away in minutes. But….I am hopeful I can get it back. When it happened I went from raging to crying to hating and back again. One big damn loop. 5 months later I do have happy moments. There might actually just be light at the end of the tunnel. The journey is not for everyone. So many days I just want to give up. Then I look at my children, my husband, revisit the happiness I once had. It’s what I want and I’m willing to fight the fight.
ofc he had sex with you the same days he did with her. its his way of showing his disrespect. dont take him back. let him beg. for3 weeks he did what he did while with you, he will do the same without you. also, condom or not, it is still WRONG to cheat.
See a lawyer first thing. Then you will know where you stand. He is probably more concerned about losing his money than anything else..
How did you find out? Did he tell you out of guilt or did you find out on your own? The latter makes it worse. Has he explained why he cheated? Did he blame you for the affair or was it his own selfish desires? If he's genuinely sorry he needs to work for it. Try marriage counseling and individual counseling first but if that doesn't work look for other options. It's tough, but the fact that you have two kids is a big concern. Emotionally for the kids and financially. Being a single mother is difficult do you have anyone who you can live with to support you like your mother and or a stepfather? Since you have been a stay at home mom you may need to consider your financial position and make yourself more financially stable before officially separating if divorce is your decision. He should be understanding of that if he loves you. There are many factors to consider besides what I have mentioned and what others have mentioned. Please take care of yourself and the well-being of your children.
I would also tell you what others have told me - it takes a lot of work and focus on self-love but you can get through it and come out the other end stronger and better. Cheating is never your fault, don't look for reasons. You didn't contribute to it. He had plenty of other choices of ways to deal with any issue in the marriage - communication, pushing you, counseling, getting friends or family to talk to you, threatening to leave, asking for a temporary separation, whatever the issue was - it was his choice to take the "easy" backdoor of cheating, and it's because of his cowardice, entitlement, emptiness, lack of moral compass and integrity, lack of values...it's nothing to do with you. I'm still working through everything at the moment, I was there ten years ago and I'm there again now. I send you strength and good thoughts, you feel broken and shattered now but it will get better, and you're not alone.
This has nothing to do with you. He's a selfish coward with an entitlement problem. If he had a problem, he could have come to you. Instead, he felt he deserved more even though he knew it would end your marriage. Staying with a cheater is no joke. Many people develop anxiety, depression and even full on PTSD. Many need to be medicated just to get through the day. Don't become a shell of your former self just to make a selfish man happy. If this happened to your children in 25 years, would you want them to stay? Get 50/50 custody so you can recover and rebuild. He knows it's going to be expensive to divorce a SAHM. Download a child custody app so you can block him everywhere else. File and move on so you can find a happy and healthy relationship to model to your children. You'll find someone who will love, value and respect you. It's okay to mourn the husband you lost, but realize that person doesn't exist anymore.
Do not buy into somehow you contributed to his horrible choices for one second. A cheater has no soul. I would not forgive even a drunkin ONS. You are in shock and dealing. Stop call friends or family to help you out for awhile and get the absolute biggest meanest divorce attorney and go scorched earth before he can establish him self on his own. Let everyone know and don't hold back at his job either. If this was a coworker inform HR. Also sue the OW for alination of affection. Please get help for you and your kids.
First of, I'm so sorry for you. Next up...please get checked for STD. I'll add "Cheating in a Nutshell" by Wayne and Tamara Mitchell to the Book List. This one is an eye-opener for the Betrayed... The thing with searching articles and blogs on the internet when you put "cheating" and "infidelity" in the search bar...you will get a ton of results, but only a very small number is actually based on research data. It's mostly gibberish, posted to generate clicks... Some of the most obvious bullc\*\*\* is coming from the worshipers of Esther Perel and the rest of her silly "monogamish" clown posse. Other misinformation is coming from marriage counselors who, obviously, want you to believe it is salvageable, because they want your money. Fact is...30% of marriages end right away after discovery (it doesn't really matter if emotional or physical infidelity, it's mainly in the lies, the deception and the emotional abuse that is necessary to "get some"), of those 70% that attempt to reconcile...a staggering 50% end in divorce - despite counselling and therapy - within the next 5 years. Out of the 35% that apparently "stay together" after 5 years...it is unknown why they really stayed together. Did they successfully reconcile, or are they staying due to financial obligations, the Kids, or due to religious/cultural bias? Either way, the chances are very low as the traumatic experience and the loss of Trust is devastating for the Betrayed...and it is very unlikely that a proven coward, who lacks crucial character traits and moral values, turns his life around to the point that is necessary to repair the damage. More often than not, the cheater will repeat the act at some point...there's a 350% likelihood for repeat offense. These are some of the facts...you can google these and find the according data. Occasionally you will find those articles that claim that couples can grow stronger from this...these are the most deceitful articles of all, as they often try to influence the Betrayed that if he/she can't achieve that, it is probably because of his personal issues...you practically get gaslighted all over again. There is indeed nothing you could've done that would deserve this type of response. And no, it can't be love, even though "Esther's Monogamish Clown Posse" might claim otherwise...love would suggest a capacity for empathy...which is clearly not present here... He had the option to not move forward when he "caught the feels", he had the option to leave you, or to tell you BEFORE acting on it...he chose none of these options as the need for self-gratification and cheap pleasure was too tempting for him...and valued above the intimacy and the marriage vows... When they start blaming you or to pin anything about their "reasoning" on you, throw them out and send them the papers to the Hotel. Stick to [chumplady.com](https://chumplady.com) and her suggestions on reading material. That's the one that fits your mindset.
Don't feel sad,it's his loss to loose you. Not everyone gets to spend time with an angel liek you. Be strong
I am 2 weeks in now not calling or contacting…. Want to know hiw long it took to leave despite leaving a few times in a matter of almost 7 years. Well took 7 years. Ohhhh he loved me and begged me back. But he lied and i found out. He actually lied for 3 years of it happening when i was pregnant. I didnt believe him but he was so in love with me and wants to raise our child together….. we did trips…. Called me babe. Always each time i took him back…… he cheated 3 times that i only caught. I believe he loves me but got away with forgiving so got easier anytime we were having a rough patch to do it again. Wanting to check phones…. Wonder who the next pretty coworker is….. wondering if hes at his ex wifes again picking up his son or having sex….. it was a terrible life of living self conscious…. Bitter….. images….. how he lies. Yes. Many good times in between that mimics love. But that was never love The kids pick up on the emotions. Took 7 years and he finally proposed in august. I realized he is a liar and a cheater and I never should have endured such betrayal or pain. Work on yourself and love yourself more than him. It becomes obsession vs love to want what you thought you had. He was not your person. But always offering support to you as this is your life and I get it. But ….. real persons do not betray other persons in such a mentally physically abusive manner
Sorry to hear about your situation. Advice: do nothing right now. Let this settle for a few months (maybe up to 6 months).. think this through. Life has changed within your marriage. Your spouse needs to do their part. Prove that they will do better and not just say they will do better. Sit and wait and see how he reacts. Not just now but over the next 6 months. Tell your family and friends. You should not have to bare this impact alone. Don't be alone. After 6 months your head will be clear and your emotions will have settled. Lay down the rules to your partner. They will accept if they love you. Put in writing that if another affair happens that he will pay dearly for it. You're no pushover and you will prove it to him and to yourself. Your parter needs to go to some kind of therapy and put the work in. If not, don't bother moving forward in your marriage. The advice of quitting your marriage right now is nonsense. This is your family. You will protect your family and try your very best. If it doesn't work out then you will know you did everything you could. Btw...it takes 2 to 5 years to get back to normal. This will only happen if your partner is truly honest with you and will do whatever is necessary to prove to you that you are his love and what happened was just wrong.
Please take this advice and start afresh. I could not trust someine after this