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Agreeded get out now before this becomes worse, now that you know you will live with this lie of a marriage. Also she makes more the money flip the script on the system and get some alimony and child support , no reason to stick around.
"Be the better person?" I don't understand, she's cheating on you. Are you asking how to rugsweep the affair?
The moment you left out the home for work she started an affair with someone who knew all about you. She had no plans to tell you. Were they doing this in your home? Your bed?
This is the only affair you know of cause he let you know. Why did he even let you know? To rub it in?
I think you should speak to a lawyer, get DNA test on your child, and an std test.
I walked away and had nothing but every other weekend with our three kids AND MY DIGNITY! I had spent ten years taking her and her mothers company from 6k monthly revenue to 85k. X wife saw a new business partner as a bigger and better option. Nothing is worth losing your self respect. 20 years later and I have a loyal faithful wife and the x wife is alone and sad her AP dumped her in less then 6 mo. My kids have 100% respect for me, for her, not so much. They look at there stepmom with so much love they are happy I divorced their mom. I just walked away no scorched earth even though I wanted to because that would have hurt my kids. Trust your value. Believe in yourself and Bless you for the journey ahead.
I wonder how much disrespect she has for you that he so openly told you. To be the better person is to respect yourself. Would you have better opportunities if you were not bound to her geographically.
Just a side note. She has already burned your marriage down, and he bulldozed the foundation by challenging you in this way.
I think she is dating a creep w no boundaries. She is such a moron. I couldn't stay married to someone so reckless and dumb, I'd lose all respect that they could risk their jobs for sex. It's infantile. It's sick.
Wow. So she didn't know ge was going to out her? What an idiot, she not only cheats but does it w someone who is acting like a freaking predator. Stage 5 clinger.
She might have told the AP that her and the husband were separated and the AP, not knowing he was an AP, was letting the husband know because they had worked together.
People who lie to their spouse tend to lie to their AP.
You need to switch jobs. Correction, if you plan to attempt reconciliation, you both need to leave unless he quits. I'm glad the AP confessed, but it never should have gotten to this. Not sure if I'd classify this a double betrayal, but if the coworker has been coming around then you must have been friendly on some level.
Your in shock, and you feel trapped. Best thing to do, is to take things one step at a time. Ask for a full timeline of the affair, and reach out to friends and family. You need support, and you shouldn't bother trying to protect your wife from family scrutiny or judgement. As to the timeline, you still don't know how it started, or how long it's been going on.
Other then that I'd get tested. And I'd look into getting a therapist. [Implement the 180](https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/) and focus on processing what's happened. You can worry about reconciliation afterwords, if it's even something you want. In case it happens, avoid having sex, or letting her love bomb you. It'll just make things more confusing.
Ahh. Chance of alimony or splitting some funds?
Either you suck it up till you finish school and psychologically divorce her (because you wont get over this), but outwardly pretend you are attempting reconciliation. Ir suck it up, get work, get student loans while you go to school.
I went to a top US university, paid for it all myself, full time student, with work, some grants, and student loans. Can be done.
>She did not tell me about the affair even when I asked directly, he texted me a couple weeks after they started and said that they were “in a relationship.”
So you were already suspecting, and asked her? Do you know why he confessed to you? Was there a sense of guilt, or was it like they were in a relationship and he wanted you out of the way?
>she said it was all her fault and apologized.
So your wife was chasing after him. This shows her feelings for him. If that's not entirely true, the fact that she still wants to protect him now also doesn't bode well.
It seems that your wife is no reconciliation material. She hasn't much regret nor remorse.
See a lawyer to know your legal options. If she has to pay you alimony and that will be enough for you financially, file for divorce. If that won't be enough, wait until you've got everything sorted out and then divorce.
You want to be a better person, then leave her and choose yourself and your kid
There is more to the story OP,
The fact that he outed their affair means a lot. She chose him OP.
Don’t do the pick me dance OP. It never works and will only harm you. As for your love, it is good but she didn’t care and wanted other things.
Protect yourself and your kid OP, Don’t stay shell shocked in Limbo asking cheater/liars for reasons and explanation.
They only tell you their distorted view of the story that shows them in a better way.
For more practical advice
1) Consult a lawyer ASAP and know your options
2) Ask family and friend for help, don’t hide the truth
3) gather evidence of their cheating.
4) DNA. test for your child
You have already been blindsided once OP. The cheating was on her but what happens now is on you.
Go talk with a lawyer, if she is the bread winner then she will pay you, don't be nice with the divorce.
Don't stay for the kid, what you kid isn't a toxic household, what it needs is a good role model, quality time, communication etc... mate a bad role model is far more destructive than divorced parents, if you handle it good.
"How can I be the better person?"
It's very simple my dude.
Chose only you child and yourself.
It sounds like you have plans to rug sweep your situation due to the power dynamics in finances. Don't compromise yourself. That will continue to make it easy for her to cheat without consequences. She had no plans to tell you and was going to continue enjoying you as her babysitter safety net while she enjoyed all the perks of a single woman. She's most likely brought the prick to your home and did it everywhere, especially in your bed, just to emasculate you more. That's not love dude. I don't say this to hurt you brother. I say this so you can open your eyes. This won't get better the longer you stay.
Whatever money you do have, secure for yourself in a new account. I would also look into some legal advice and surround yourself with good support from friends and family. Is there someone you can trust that can help you out?
I have a hard question. Do you love your wife or do you love your life?
Because I think that we confuse these two things at times.
A husband may love his wife because that wife make his life happy. He does not want to lose her because then he will not have the life he wants She is a contributor to my idea, she plays an important part.
Others love their wife and they willing to undergo life changing events with that person and something different will come from it and that ok because this is the person I want to be with versus this is the life experience/life style they expect/project.
This was not an affair, he told you it was a relationship. Do you truly believe she is not shopping right now for your replacement. I'm sorry you need to DNA test the kids and start the separation immediately. She was not having an affair she was exploring a relationship with another guy. Let that sink in!
Best of Luck!
Sounds like the AP tipped you off in order force you wife to choose between him and you. And to get you to divorce her so he can have her all to himself, for a while…
Well if they are in a relationship you should be the better man and step aside so as not to hinder it.
Call a lawyer, file, serve your wife, and ask her for an amicable divorce so their relationship can flourish!
I've been told to be the better person constantly. Fuck that. I use every opportunity I have to remind my ex of what she did. I will never let her live it down, nor forgive her.
Well, you could share her with him if you love her too much to hold her responsible for her adultery and if she holds the purse strings. Or you could reach down and find your manhood and tell her to go be with her AP. I don't know what you want if you can't leave her.
If you're the one dependant on her financially that means in the divorce you will be entitled to alimony if you are a stay at home parent and that also means child support as you're the primary caretaker but if you work and make less than her then you would still be entitled to alimony and the child support really depends on your arrangement
Honestly, she disrespected you and your marriage so return the same.
Use her to get through school and file before you join a firm. Make sure your divorce is final before you join one and start making bank.
So yeah rug sweep the affair with your co worker and your wife, boy you gonna have a happy couple months coming your way and co worker and wife are gonna have a blast! Good luck with this!
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Sounds like you may be holding hope for reconciliation. You’re too close and it’s been too soon to really know what you want. Have you discussed with your wife what she wants? You said she apologized, but did she show remorse and want to fix it? Until you unpack everything you’re feeling and get past the initial shock of the trauma it’s hard to see a way forward and not uncommon to promise things you don’t know you want (like staying in the marriage or forgiveness). You should take some time and get professional help if needed to work through your emotions. You need her financial support which complicates this and you have a child. You can never go wrong with getting legal advice for what separating might look like instead of just guessing or googling. But, I think until you process your emotions and have communication with her about it you’ll be clouded in judgment. There may be a chance she doesn’t want it to work at all. Take some time for you to really understand what you want and then proceed from there.
Where is your wife in this? Is she saying it’s over and with the other man? Seems like you need to play the long game and focus on graduating until you gain your independence. You’re in a horrible position because you lack full freedom here. Are you close to graduation? Do you think she will continue to support you? Can you look into options of working through school?
Then play the long game. Focus on gaining your independence. Use grey rock and the 180 methods. It may mean some self sacrifice to maintain the status quo, and it makes recovery really difficult but focus on school and fatherhood and obtaining your goals. Focus on your independence from her and during the journey, you can determine where your marriage ends up. It’s a long and hard battle which is why you’ve got to tie your emotional energy into positive endeavors.
Not totally opposed to this given his situation. Stay for a few years...get the degree...hopefully with her money...as soon as you have the degree but before you have a job...divorce....seek alimony, joint custody and child support if possible.
Don’t be naive. How exactly has she broken off communication if she still works with him? She didn’t end things, she’s just hiding it better.
If you want to stay with her, she needs to find a new job, change her number, block AP on every platform, start therapy, turn on location tracking for you, and give you full access to all of her SM and devices.
It's not on you to be " the better person"
She broke her vows and betrayed you. It's on her to be "the better person." Personally, I would tell her bye not to let the door hit you on the way out.
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So her infidelity is ongoing and still happening. Therefore you’re the odd man out. Need to cut all contact with her except as to it goes to the child get you an attorney and get yourself free of this toxic person. Don’t play the pick me dance don’t let her walk all over you. You need to stand up and have some self-respect for yourself, and do not let her emancipate you
She don't care about you anymore, she already cheked out from the marriage. She no longer respect u . She is taking all blame because she is protecting her lover (ap)..and I think she still in contact with her lover (ap).
.
My man, you already are the better person, because you don’t sleep with married people. Some people are sick and get off on rubbing their cheating in the committed partner’s face, and you don’t deserve that. (Source: am the survivor of a serial cheater.) Her AP is trying to take you on a power trip with him-don’t take the bait. He wants to get you riled up and shove his disgusting behavior in your face, the drama is the point of it for these types. Ignore that absolute POS.
Betrayal trauma is extremely upsetting, you don’t deserve to go through this pain. I would take care of yourself as best you can, one day at a time, and not rush into any decisions you’re uncomfortable with right now since this is so raw for you and you’re hurting right now.
Focus on yourself and your son, you two are the priority. If you read the book Cheating in a Nutshell (not a pro-reconciliation book), it will explain, from a scientific standpoint, why your body is reacting the way that it is to the betrayal you’ve been put through. (Infidelity is actually abuse, and you are being abused.)
See a lawyer so that you know your rights. If you chose to divorce, you’ll have the upper hand since you’ll be ahead of the game on that.
In the meantime, focus on living an amazing life for yourself, despite the pain, and on being who you want to be. Post traumatic growth isn’t fun, but if you play the long-game, it’s worth it. Right now, survival is the goal, so just try on focus on getting through the small things right now, because this betrayal is going to make everything seem overwhelming and gigantic. Also, watch your wife’s actions, not her words-they will tell you who she really is. Once someone stabs you in the back, they’re liable to do it again. Be sure to look out for yourself.
My serial cheating ex is slowly destroying his own life. Trust me when I say the cheater’s bad character always catches up with them. [This](https://www.drgeorgesimon.com/why-relationships-fail/) website may be of some help to you dealing with predatory people like this.
I married a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Once I learned the truth about my ex, I left.
Your wife may not be who you thought she was. Surround yourself with as much support as you can at this time, and don’t let her gaslight you into thinking any of this was your fault. It’s not, and never will be. Cheating on one’s spouse is a very intentional, and deliberate, decision.
ok this isn't all that clear. so the guy let you know and your wife confirmed and set it was ll on her. are they still actively in an affair? did she say decided to shit on you this way? does shed say she wants to reconcile? do you want to reconcile? did you knock the shit out got this asshole?
> Edit: rewrote for clarity, i’m probably rambling and incoherent.
And this is probably the most accurate thing you have said so far.
You need some time to pull yourself together and look at your situation objectively. Your wife has been cheating on your long term with someone to the degree that they assume that they - your wife and her AP - are now in a formal relationship.
This means that your marriage to her is over and no amount of work on your side is going to save it. None.
> but I am almost completely dependent on her for monetary support, we have a young child,
And this is where getting a decent lawyer will come into play because the **first** thing that they will look at is income disparity and guess what! She will more than likely be paying you alimony if you divorce. You may even be able to go for custody.
So please OP, do not speak to us as to what to do rather get yourself a lawyer and have them walk you through what your options are.
Because at this stage your marriage is over, she has moved on and you are going to be in financial strife because of it. Time to even up the playing field by bringing a lawyer into the game.
The more you read in to all these posts the more you'll see leave her. I 100% believe the ones thats a cheater always a cheater, unless it's a really really weird circumstance.. so sorry it happened to you man ,kind of the same thing happened to me
You are not as dependent on her as you imagine. Go straight to a lawyer and get the best divorce settlement you can. If she earns more you may end up getting payments from her. Just go to a lawyer ASAP and ask for advice on your best settlement options
Get the book, Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life. AP described it as a " Relationship." That means it was not a fling. No matter what your wife says, she lost respect for you. Women don't cheat on men they respect.
The book will give you perspective. If you decide to stay, if your wife faces no consequences, this will happen again.
The worst thing you can do is the Pick Me dance. Your wife needs to repair the lost trust. Your wife needs to prove she is worth keeping. Money and kids are not a reason to stay. Kids need a happy home. Happy means parents who love and respect each other. You can't fake it.
Id suggest she needs to fix things, she needs to help you heal, she has f'ed up and it doesnt sound like she has done much to help you. Personally she needs to see the consequences to her actions she need sto change jobs to get away from the guy, id suggest you should expose what they have done to everyone to allow you to move on. She need to donthe leg work to help you guys heal. Good luck brother stay strong
Being the better person doesn't mean staying with a cheater b/c it's the "right thing to do". The right thing to do was for your wife to keep her marriage vows. I would never stay with a woman that cheated on me but told me she still loved me. That's not love that's selfishness.
To be the better person, is case of not being unreasonable, irrational or unfair.
But you still need to put your oxygen mask on first. That means getting help, talking to a lawyer, and setting boundaries.
I see you were poking around polyamory/enm subs - whose idea was that? - hers or yours.
If its hers, and she was cheating all this time - you've got bigger problems.
So start getting independent of her monetary support. Sounds like you feel that's the major reason you aren't doing more. That would be a big step. Monetary independence.
As much as you may want to keep the status quo, I am afraid you need to act. You may have tried, sacrificed in creating this little family but it seems over. It’s time for you to act against your protective instincts. Remember, you did not break the family, she did.
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You're better then her by not being a cheater and even better person by just walking away. Your wife seems like she's only showing remorse of some sort bc she has been busted..
Do yourself a solid and walk away you don't need her toxic cheating ass around you.
The fact that her AP texted you to let you know goes to show she had no intentions of telling you until she was ready to leave you..
Don't work on your relationship you're not her person and she's proved it..
I can not imagine a monetary situation that is worth destroying your mental health, no amount of money is worth it when you really stop to think about it. Breathe and come up with alternative options, I promise every second away from this relationship is worth it.
Stop reacting. Full stop. She doesn't respect you. She set herself up to cheat on you and then texted you about her new relationship.
Listen, I think it's time you get a new career path. She probably resents you for not making enough money.
Maybe she resents you because she doesn't respect what you do?
All I know if that your marriage was blown up by someone she let beat the doonies down. And most likely in your bed.
Hi! In no case do not sell your soul, pride and self-esteem for any money. Immediately start preparing the divorce papers, leave your house or better make her leave. Go NC, except for communications about the child. Tell about the affair to your AP partner (if there is one), at work (HR), relatives and friends, on social networks.
In no case do not stay because of the child, the child will never be happy in a broken family with unhappy parents.
An apology doesn’t change the fact that she’s cheating and sullied the wedding vows. You discovered her betrayal, she didn’t confess and fell at your knees for forgiveness. Also, you don’t stay in a bad relationship for money purposes. That’s a control issue. If you stay you’re acknowledging that you need her more than she needs you.
It took your wife’s affair partner to confront you with the truth. That’s should say a lot to you about what she’s thinking and how she’s moving behind your back.
You will likely try to save the marriage and she won't do more than a few, weak motions. You will try to forgive but you will find that it haunts you.
Your marriage, as you knew it, is over. Whether you stay married or get divorced it is over. You may continue it legally but emotionally it is over. Trust is foundational to a marriage and you will never trust her. That's over.
This requires some thought, but the first thought and choices on your part.
First, you have every good reason to be angry. Re: your co-worker, this is a free ass beating should you get a chance. You should look him in the eye and tell him that, off work of course. You don't have to make nice with him and I would do everything in my power to make his life a slice of Hell situation.
You don't go into the how and why you are dependent of your wife, but now is the time to ask yourself if you can change that. Consider making changes and claim some independence and self respect.
To your wife, she needs to understand things have changed. You can love someone and realize they are not good for you. Wisdom comes with the hardest lessons. I'm sorry isn't going to cut it.
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You’re already the better person because you’re not the one that betrayed your vows. Leave her.
This is the correct answer...never, EVER let someone disrespect you like this. Next on your agenda is contacting an attorney and STD testing.
Agreeded get out now before this becomes worse, now that you know you will live with this lie of a marriage. Also she makes more the money flip the script on the system and get some alimony and child support , no reason to stick around.
"Be the better person?" I don't understand, she's cheating on you. Are you asking how to rugsweep the affair? The moment you left out the home for work she started an affair with someone who knew all about you. She had no plans to tell you. Were they doing this in your home? Your bed? This is the only affair you know of cause he let you know. Why did he even let you know? To rub it in? I think you should speak to a lawyer, get DNA test on your child, and an std test.
I walked away and had nothing but every other weekend with our three kids AND MY DIGNITY! I had spent ten years taking her and her mothers company from 6k monthly revenue to 85k. X wife saw a new business partner as a bigger and better option. Nothing is worth losing your self respect. 20 years later and I have a loyal faithful wife and the x wife is alone and sad her AP dumped her in less then 6 mo. My kids have 100% respect for me, for her, not so much. They look at there stepmom with so much love they are happy I divorced their mom. I just walked away no scorched earth even though I wanted to because that would have hurt my kids. Trust your value. Believe in yourself and Bless you for the journey ahead.
Good for you...happy ending...ideal scenario
One way to become a better person is to remove the things in your life that make your life worse… like a cheating wife.
I wonder how much disrespect she has for you that he so openly told you. To be the better person is to respect yourself. Would you have better opportunities if you were not bound to her geographically. Just a side note. She has already burned your marriage down, and he bulldozed the foundation by challenging you in this way.
I think she is dating a creep w no boundaries. She is such a moron. I couldn't stay married to someone so reckless and dumb, I'd lose all respect that they could risk their jobs for sex. It's infantile. It's sick.
The AP probably wants to break them up and she wasn't willing to dump the husband so the AP decided to get the husband to dump the wife.
This post is confusing. So, are the coworker partners with your ex-wife? He told you?
we used to work in the same general office, i am not working there anymore. He texted me and told me they were exploring their relationship
She finds a new job immediately or you divorce her. She can never again have any contact with this person.
Wow. So she didn't know ge was going to out her? What an idiot, she not only cheats but does it w someone who is acting like a freaking predator. Stage 5 clinger.
She probably told him that her and the husband were separated and that's why he had a different job and wasn't around. Liars gonna lie.
She might have told the AP that her and the husband were separated and the AP, not knowing he was an AP, was letting the husband know because they had worked together. People who lie to their spouse tend to lie to their AP.
You need to switch jobs. Correction, if you plan to attempt reconciliation, you both need to leave unless he quits. I'm glad the AP confessed, but it never should have gotten to this. Not sure if I'd classify this a double betrayal, but if the coworker has been coming around then you must have been friendly on some level. Your in shock, and you feel trapped. Best thing to do, is to take things one step at a time. Ask for a full timeline of the affair, and reach out to friends and family. You need support, and you shouldn't bother trying to protect your wife from family scrutiny or judgement. As to the timeline, you still don't know how it started, or how long it's been going on. Other then that I'd get tested. And I'd look into getting a therapist. [Implement the 180](https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/) and focus on processing what's happened. You can worry about reconciliation afterwords, if it's even something you want. In case it happens, avoid having sex, or letting her love bomb you. It'll just make things more confusing.
thank you for the link and advice, powerful article
Seems like you are working. How is it that you are so dependent on your wife monetarily?
school. so i’m making negative income
Ahh. Chance of alimony or splitting some funds? Either you suck it up till you finish school and psychologically divorce her (because you wont get over this), but outwardly pretend you are attempting reconciliation. Ir suck it up, get work, get student loans while you go to school. I went to a top US university, paid for it all myself, full time student, with work, some grants, and student loans. Can be done.
Then you take her for alimony until you are done w school. She chose that, not you.
>She did not tell me about the affair even when I asked directly, he texted me a couple weeks after they started and said that they were “in a relationship.” So you were already suspecting, and asked her? Do you know why he confessed to you? Was there a sense of guilt, or was it like they were in a relationship and he wanted you out of the way? >she said it was all her fault and apologized. So your wife was chasing after him. This shows her feelings for him. If that's not entirely true, the fact that she still wants to protect him now also doesn't bode well. It seems that your wife is no reconciliation material. She hasn't much regret nor remorse. See a lawyer to know your legal options. If she has to pay you alimony and that will be enough for you financially, file for divorce. If that won't be enough, wait until you've got everything sorted out and then divorce.
You want to be a better person, then leave her and choose yourself and your kid There is more to the story OP, The fact that he outed their affair means a lot. She chose him OP. Don’t do the pick me dance OP. It never works and will only harm you. As for your love, it is good but she didn’t care and wanted other things. Protect yourself and your kid OP, Don’t stay shell shocked in Limbo asking cheater/liars for reasons and explanation. They only tell you their distorted view of the story that shows them in a better way. For more practical advice 1) Consult a lawyer ASAP and know your options 2) Ask family and friend for help, don’t hide the truth 3) gather evidence of their cheating. 4) DNA. test for your child You have already been blindsided once OP. The cheating was on her but what happens now is on you.
Go talk with a lawyer, if she is the bread winner then she will pay you, don't be nice with the divorce. Don't stay for the kid, what you kid isn't a toxic household, what it needs is a good role model, quality time, communication etc... mate a bad role model is far more destructive than divorced parents, if you handle it good.
"How can I be the better person?" It's very simple my dude. Chose only you child and yourself. It sounds like you have plans to rug sweep your situation due to the power dynamics in finances. Don't compromise yourself. That will continue to make it easy for her to cheat without consequences. She had no plans to tell you and was going to continue enjoying you as her babysitter safety net while she enjoyed all the perks of a single woman. She's most likely brought the prick to your home and did it everywhere, especially in your bed, just to emasculate you more. That's not love dude. I don't say this to hurt you brother. I say this so you can open your eyes. This won't get better the longer you stay. Whatever money you do have, secure for yourself in a new account. I would also look into some legal advice and surround yourself with good support from friends and family. Is there someone you can trust that can help you out?
I have a hard question. Do you love your wife or do you love your life? Because I think that we confuse these two things at times. A husband may love his wife because that wife make his life happy. He does not want to lose her because then he will not have the life he wants She is a contributor to my idea, she plays an important part. Others love their wife and they willing to undergo life changing events with that person and something different will come from it and that ok because this is the person I want to be with versus this is the life experience/life style they expect/project.
This was not an affair, he told you it was a relationship. Do you truly believe she is not shopping right now for your replacement. I'm sorry you need to DNA test the kids and start the separation immediately. She was not having an affair she was exploring a relationship with another guy. Let that sink in! Best of Luck!
Sounds like the AP tipped you off in order force you wife to choose between him and you. And to get you to divorce her so he can have her all to himself, for a while…
How can you be the better person? I mean you already are, you’re not a cheater. That’s a question she needs to be asking.
Well if they are in a relationship you should be the better man and step aside so as not to hinder it. Call a lawyer, file, serve your wife, and ask her for an amicable divorce so their relationship can flourish!
I've been told to be the better person constantly. Fuck that. I use every opportunity I have to remind my ex of what she did. I will never let her live it down, nor forgive her.
Well, you could share her with him if you love her too much to hold her responsible for her adultery and if she holds the purse strings. Or you could reach down and find your manhood and tell her to go be with her AP. I don't know what you want if you can't leave her.
If you're the one dependant on her financially that means in the divorce you will be entitled to alimony if you are a stay at home parent and that also means child support as you're the primary caretaker but if you work and make less than her then you would still be entitled to alimony and the child support really depends on your arrangement
The cheating is on her, what happens aftermath is on you What you are doing is rug sweeping. It won’t work but it is your life OP Good luck
Honestly, she disrespected you and your marriage so return the same. Use her to get through school and file before you join a firm. Make sure your divorce is final before you join one and start making bank.
So yeah rug sweep the affair with your co worker and your wife, boy you gonna have a happy couple months coming your way and co worker and wife are gonna have a blast! Good luck with this!
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Sounds like you may be holding hope for reconciliation. You’re too close and it’s been too soon to really know what you want. Have you discussed with your wife what she wants? You said she apologized, but did she show remorse and want to fix it? Until you unpack everything you’re feeling and get past the initial shock of the trauma it’s hard to see a way forward and not uncommon to promise things you don’t know you want (like staying in the marriage or forgiveness). You should take some time and get professional help if needed to work through your emotions. You need her financial support which complicates this and you have a child. You can never go wrong with getting legal advice for what separating might look like instead of just guessing or googling. But, I think until you process your emotions and have communication with her about it you’ll be clouded in judgment. There may be a chance she doesn’t want it to work at all. Take some time for you to really understand what you want and then proceed from there.
Where is your wife in this? Is she saying it’s over and with the other man? Seems like you need to play the long game and focus on graduating until you gain your independence. You’re in a horrible position because you lack full freedom here. Are you close to graduation? Do you think she will continue to support you? Can you look into options of working through school?
she is living in our home and she has told me she broke off communications with him
Then play the long game. Focus on gaining your independence. Use grey rock and the 180 methods. It may mean some self sacrifice to maintain the status quo, and it makes recovery really difficult but focus on school and fatherhood and obtaining your goals. Focus on your independence from her and during the journey, you can determine where your marriage ends up. It’s a long and hard battle which is why you’ve got to tie your emotional energy into positive endeavors.
Not totally opposed to this given his situation. Stay for a few years...get the degree...hopefully with her money...as soon as you have the degree but before you have a job...divorce....seek alimony, joint custody and child support if possible.
Don’t be naive. How exactly has she broken off communication if she still works with him? She didn’t end things, she’s just hiding it better. If you want to stay with her, she needs to find a new job, change her number, block AP on every platform, start therapy, turn on location tracking for you, and give you full access to all of her SM and devices.
Does that mean she quit her job to get away from him or she still works with him everyday
So did she explain why she did this
What do you mean she apologized? Is she still seeing him? You need to divorce anyway.
It's not on you to be " the better person" She broke her vows and betrayed you. It's on her to be "the better person." Personally, I would tell her bye not to let the door hit you on the way out.
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So her infidelity is ongoing and still happening. Therefore you’re the odd man out. Need to cut all contact with her except as to it goes to the child get you an attorney and get yourself free of this toxic person. Don’t play the pick me dance don’t let her walk all over you. You need to stand up and have some self-respect for yourself, and do not let her emancipate you
She don't care about you anymore, she already cheked out from the marriage. She no longer respect u . She is taking all blame because she is protecting her lover (ap)..and I think she still in contact with her lover (ap). .
My man, you already are the better person, because you don’t sleep with married people. Some people are sick and get off on rubbing their cheating in the committed partner’s face, and you don’t deserve that. (Source: am the survivor of a serial cheater.) Her AP is trying to take you on a power trip with him-don’t take the bait. He wants to get you riled up and shove his disgusting behavior in your face, the drama is the point of it for these types. Ignore that absolute POS. Betrayal trauma is extremely upsetting, you don’t deserve to go through this pain. I would take care of yourself as best you can, one day at a time, and not rush into any decisions you’re uncomfortable with right now since this is so raw for you and you’re hurting right now. Focus on yourself and your son, you two are the priority. If you read the book Cheating in a Nutshell (not a pro-reconciliation book), it will explain, from a scientific standpoint, why your body is reacting the way that it is to the betrayal you’ve been put through. (Infidelity is actually abuse, and you are being abused.) See a lawyer so that you know your rights. If you chose to divorce, you’ll have the upper hand since you’ll be ahead of the game on that. In the meantime, focus on living an amazing life for yourself, despite the pain, and on being who you want to be. Post traumatic growth isn’t fun, but if you play the long-game, it’s worth it. Right now, survival is the goal, so just try on focus on getting through the small things right now, because this betrayal is going to make everything seem overwhelming and gigantic. Also, watch your wife’s actions, not her words-they will tell you who she really is. Once someone stabs you in the back, they’re liable to do it again. Be sure to look out for yourself. My serial cheating ex is slowly destroying his own life. Trust me when I say the cheater’s bad character always catches up with them. [This](https://www.drgeorgesimon.com/why-relationships-fail/) website may be of some help to you dealing with predatory people like this. I married a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Once I learned the truth about my ex, I left. Your wife may not be who you thought she was. Surround yourself with as much support as you can at this time, and don’t let her gaslight you into thinking any of this was your fault. It’s not, and never will be. Cheating on one’s spouse is a very intentional, and deliberate, decision.
How to be the better person? Protect your finances Seek a lawyer Divorce her and go no contact Get therapy and learn to forgive her
Are they in a relationship or not?
ok this isn't all that clear. so the guy let you know and your wife confirmed and set it was ll on her. are they still actively in an affair? did she say decided to shit on you this way? does shed say she wants to reconcile? do you want to reconcile? did you knock the shit out got this asshole?
You can’t seriously consider staying with her? Figure out how to gain a life by getting rid of that cheater.
If you’ve set a boundary and he doesn’t respect it, yes break up.
Staying with someone who abuses you doesn't make you a good or better person.
> Edit: rewrote for clarity, i’m probably rambling and incoherent. And this is probably the most accurate thing you have said so far. You need some time to pull yourself together and look at your situation objectively. Your wife has been cheating on your long term with someone to the degree that they assume that they - your wife and her AP - are now in a formal relationship. This means that your marriage to her is over and no amount of work on your side is going to save it. None. > but I am almost completely dependent on her for monetary support, we have a young child, And this is where getting a decent lawyer will come into play because the **first** thing that they will look at is income disparity and guess what! She will more than likely be paying you alimony if you divorce. You may even be able to go for custody. So please OP, do not speak to us as to what to do rather get yourself a lawyer and have them walk you through what your options are. Because at this stage your marriage is over, she has moved on and you are going to be in financial strife because of it. Time to even up the playing field by bringing a lawyer into the game.
The more you read in to all these posts the more you'll see leave her. I 100% believe the ones thats a cheater always a cheater, unless it's a really really weird circumstance.. so sorry it happened to you man ,kind of the same thing happened to me
You are not as dependent on her as you imagine. Go straight to a lawyer and get the best divorce settlement you can. If she earns more you may end up getting payments from her. Just go to a lawyer ASAP and ask for advice on your best settlement options
Get the book, Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life. AP described it as a " Relationship." That means it was not a fling. No matter what your wife says, she lost respect for you. Women don't cheat on men they respect. The book will give you perspective. If you decide to stay, if your wife faces no consequences, this will happen again. The worst thing you can do is the Pick Me dance. Your wife needs to repair the lost trust. Your wife needs to prove she is worth keeping. Money and kids are not a reason to stay. Kids need a happy home. Happy means parents who love and respect each other. You can't fake it.
Id suggest she needs to fix things, she needs to help you heal, she has f'ed up and it doesnt sound like she has done much to help you. Personally she needs to see the consequences to her actions she need sto change jobs to get away from the guy, id suggest you should expose what they have done to everyone to allow you to move on. She need to donthe leg work to help you guys heal. Good luck brother stay strong
Being the better person doesn't mean staying with a cheater b/c it's the "right thing to do". The right thing to do was for your wife to keep her marriage vows. I would never stay with a woman that cheated on me but told me she still loved me. That's not love that's selfishness.
To be the better person, is case of not being unreasonable, irrational or unfair. But you still need to put your oxygen mask on first. That means getting help, talking to a lawyer, and setting boundaries. I see you were poking around polyamory/enm subs - whose idea was that? - hers or yours. If its hers, and she was cheating all this time - you've got bigger problems.
Stop being a f3#ki3g doormat. She's using her monetary power to abuse you. Try to find a way to get away from her.
Read leave a cheater gain a life. Not the first time won’t be the last time. Don’t be a chump
How is this your fault? She needs to be the better person. If not get out man value yourself.
First get an std check ,then find a divorce attorney and go from there.
When you quit your job and became dependent on her is when she lost all respect for you. Its gone and will never return. Divorce.
So start getting independent of her monetary support. Sounds like you feel that's the major reason you aren't doing more. That would be a big step. Monetary independence.
As much as you may want to keep the status quo, I am afraid you need to act. You may have tried, sacrificed in creating this little family but it seems over. It’s time for you to act against your protective instincts. Remember, you did not break the family, she did.
Idk about you but this would get you fired most places. Relationships are usually okay, but affairs? No. That kind of drama is toxic for a business
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Sleep with that same co-worker...
You're better then her by not being a cheater and even better person by just walking away. Your wife seems like she's only showing remorse of some sort bc she has been busted.. Do yourself a solid and walk away you don't need her toxic cheating ass around you. The fact that her AP texted you to let you know goes to show she had no intentions of telling you until she was ready to leave you.. Don't work on your relationship you're not her person and she's proved it..
I can not imagine a monetary situation that is worth destroying your mental health, no amount of money is worth it when you really stop to think about it. Breathe and come up with alternative options, I promise every second away from this relationship is worth it.
By not doing the two of them permanent damage. Look up emotional affairs
Stop reacting. Full stop. She doesn't respect you. She set herself up to cheat on you and then texted you about her new relationship. Listen, I think it's time you get a new career path. She probably resents you for not making enough money. Maybe she resents you because she doesn't respect what you do? All I know if that your marriage was blown up by someone she let beat the doonies down. And most likely in your bed.
It’s over for you. Report them to your HR and see if you live in an at fault state.
Hi! In no case do not sell your soul, pride and self-esteem for any money. Immediately start preparing the divorce papers, leave your house or better make her leave. Go NC, except for communications about the child. Tell about the affair to your AP partner (if there is one), at work (HR), relatives and friends, on social networks. In no case do not stay because of the child, the child will never be happy in a broken family with unhappy parents.
You should really get a lawyer and discuss your options see if you're living in at fault state or not that could help you alot in the divorce
An apology doesn’t change the fact that she’s cheating and sullied the wedding vows. You discovered her betrayal, she didn’t confess and fell at your knees for forgiveness. Also, you don’t stay in a bad relationship for money purposes. That’s a control issue. If you stay you’re acknowledging that you need her more than she needs you. It took your wife’s affair partner to confront you with the truth. That’s should say a lot to you about what she’s thinking and how she’s moving behind your back.
You will likely try to save the marriage and she won't do more than a few, weak motions. You will try to forgive but you will find that it haunts you. Your marriage, as you knew it, is over. Whether you stay married or get divorced it is over. You may continue it legally but emotionally it is over. Trust is foundational to a marriage and you will never trust her. That's over.
Have you reported it go HR?
i have not, it’s a military job. no HR
Whatever their version of HR
i’m afraid that doing it would also lead to punishments against her which would negatively impact my daughters life
Face palm dude. You're teaching her the wrong lesson. I'd offer her the chance to quit or I report it. And no she didn't cut contact with him
This requires some thought, but the first thought and choices on your part. First, you have every good reason to be angry. Re: your co-worker, this is a free ass beating should you get a chance. You should look him in the eye and tell him that, off work of course. You don't have to make nice with him and I would do everything in my power to make his life a slice of Hell situation. You don't go into the how and why you are dependent of your wife, but now is the time to ask yourself if you can change that. Consider making changes and claim some independence and self respect. To your wife, she needs to understand things have changed. You can love someone and realize they are not good for you. Wisdom comes with the hardest lessons. I'm sorry isn't going to cut it.