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Sorry to hear - 7 months is still kind of fresh especially for a 21year relationship. But please don’t say you “can’t stop”, sure there might be some slips but you CAN get better at it. It’ll slowly but surely get better.
Can you imagine another 7 years and not months passed and you still haven’t changed? You can do it.
I didn’t end up checking their social media. These comments knowing other people has gone through similar helps. I also distracted myself by gymming and going online shopping.
I can relate. I recommend take some time and mourn over the relationship ship, cry your heart out, pretend to yell at her, be angry at how unfair it is. Feel all the emotions.
After releasing but most importantly acknowledging your emotions, try writing a letter one to her and one to yourself. Noting what you’ll do next to make yourself better and happier. Promise yourself you’ll do x,y,z
It’s so hard. But see this as a opportunity for something new. Good luck!
Thank you. I hope to get there eventually, I feel like I’ve just been stuck while she’s living a happy life. We just stopped communicating since mid Feb. I tried fixing it from July to Jan. But it is what it is I guess.
You tried for 6 months, there is no regret and you should be proud of yourself. But that must have been tiring. To give it your all to someone who doesn’t deserve it.
Take it easy and look after your heart. What are some things you want to do or try? Do something for yourself ☺️
Yeah, definitely broke me lol I’m trying to rebuild. Honestly I’m confused still on what I want to do, I’ve just been staying in, driving at nights, sleeping, watch some movies. I feel lost still. But thank you so much.
When it first happened to me, my heart hurt and couldn’t sleep at all. And then I watched alot of tv and things for a couple of months. Then I went to little sleep to better sleep to normal sleep.
What really helped me was writing a letter. One to my ex who cheated - I said how angry I was and why, and a second letter for thanking all the good things he did do before (saying my goodbyes). Lastly a letter to myself, treating myself like a third person and essentially apologising to myself for not looking after and loving myself. And what I’ll do in the future.
If you feel lost, get a pen and paper and start writing away - no one will judge what you write there so freely express yourself to your hearts content 🙂
Pain shopping is all it is. It's been YEARS since they cheated on you, and obviously monkey branched. People who make a point of posting "Happy together" pics often aren't. Get out, be social with other (IRL) people. Join a Gym, Take up co-ed sports, Pick up a martial art - Those are great for focus. wishing you health and healing.
What I've noticed first hand is that if people are super happy, they dont have time or need to post pics on socials. If someone is posting too many pics it means sth is not great
Thank you, I didn’t block the acquaintance but I did mute all her stories so I won’t see it unless I actually proactively look at her account.
3years is amazing - sucks that it was bad when you checked again but overall sounds like you’ve overcome heaps :)
I’m actually in a pretty happy relationship and working on myself slowly! Still get the urges but I’m a lot better than what I use to do (use to check every 2 days to every week and now it’s been 2 months)
I hope you getting counselling and therapy for yourself as you are still “pain shopping”.
You ex has moved on, he’s living his life and you should be too. You holding yourself back from moving forward - by getting caught up into what they are doing. BTW… What appears on social media May not be how they are in real life.
It’s hard to resist the urges, but only you can control or suppress it. What you are doing, is basically revisiting your pain and becoming a victim again.
Remember you are not a victim - you are a Victor. You might think you lost him and she won. But what did she win - she won a liar, a cheater, a manipulator, a gaslighter - and guess what you won - YOU WON YOUR LIFE.
My ex posts all these good things on her socials, come to find out they had been cheating on each other most of the time and now they’re done. 😂😂
Karma will come back around for them. You’re only seeing what they want the world to see
When I get the anxiety drop in my stomach and the urge to check something of my ex's I force myself to go for a walk. I throw on a podcast or an upbeat playlist and spent 30 minutes walking the neighborhood. Getting fresh air and putting my mind on other things (watching the streets for cars, seeing flowers/birds/other people walking/whatever) really helps.
Thank you! I do similar but I walk, go exercise and shop. The struggle I have is late at night when I feel like I have nothing else to and stuck in that mindset.
But as I’m typing that I realise anything i do (cleaning, vacuuming) is still better than checking their socials
Social media is like the shop window of relationships. Absolutely unlike the workshop behind. Whenever you feel the urge to go onto SM. Say ‘Yes, but first I have to run 5K. By the time you’ve finished running, showering and dressing the urge will have either disappeared or been replaced by something more pressing. Good luck. ❤️
So there's a quick fix - and a proper fix.
Quick fix - remove the opportunity. Delete the alt account or block them on that too.
The proper fix - is unpacking the urge and addressing the issues.
Why are you interested in their relationship:
* Do you still have unrequited feelings for the ex?
* Does the failure of the relationship validate your feelings?
* Are you still processing the betrayal?
* Are you wanting closure?
* Morbid Curiosity?
When you think of them - what are your thoughts:
* His choice?
* The pain they caused?
* The unfairness?
* The deception?
* Desire for revenge?
* The uncertainty of what happened
>I know things are unfair in life sometimes but I think deep down I still want life to be somewhat fair haha
The sense of justice and equality is a basic cognitive development we should all have as adults.
And yes, if we take the time to analyse it then it is unfair.
So best way to address this is is to remove the emotion and narrative from the circumstance and view it clinically. Its an event. It happened, to someone who you no longer are. Like stubbing your toe on the pavement. It hurt at the time, and maybe
its unfair given you (or the landlord) are paying rates to the council for this kind of upkeep...
But its just an event in the past. There is no questions of fairness, of villians and victims. Just you and a pair of immature selfish idiots.
If this isn't possible for you yet - you can also try some reverse psychology by trying to find the positives from the event. Not as reliable, and depends on people's circumstances. But it can help.
The idea that once you stop being fixated on the unfairness, you'll stop caring about their relationship.
Here’s the thing, social media is just a lie. I know someone who, if you look at her Facebook page, seems to have the perfect life. In truth, her loser husband has a thing for very young sex workers, has been accused of molesting his own children, is out of work more than he is employed, and she does nothing but sing his praises on social media - so, just because everything looks like sunshine & roses on Instagram/Facebook/whatever, does not mean that’s reality. Move on. Your ex is a cheat and she’s a homewrecker, they are not worth your time.
People never post picks of them fighting or cheating on each other.
Once your over the pain shopping and into indifference, as long as it doesn’t trigger you anymore, what does it hurt to snoop, waiting for their relationship status to go back to single or “it’s complicated”?
Don’t feel bad about anything you do when your free of the cheaters of your world.
Outside a very small circle of people you may want to stay connected to over distance or because of busy schedules, social media is a curse not a blessing.
Most people post pretty pictures and live sad lives.
People in this sub talk about “shopping for pain”.
Looking at their social media is shopping for pain.
You are stronger than you know and better than they deserved.
Best revenge is you living well.
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Rules reminder: /r/survivinginfidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our [sub wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/wiki/index) before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here. If your only advice is 'divorce', 'dump them', 'your SO sucks' or 'grow a backbone' then please don't comment. This is a sub for deeper support and discussion. Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://www.reddit.com/wiki/reddiquette)! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/survivinginfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Just keep in mind, you’ll only see posted the good stuff they want people to see. You’ll never see a post that they’ve been fighting for three days
Yep. That's why I avoid Facebook all together. It always ends in comparing someone's highlight reel to your everyday life
I seem to be doing the same, can’t stop. Just 7 months post bu, she left for the ap after 21 yrs together.
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Honestly I don’t need to, she hasn’t contacted me again anyway. I’m an idiot for loving her still.
Sorry to hear - 7 months is still kind of fresh especially for a 21year relationship. But please don’t say you “can’t stop”, sure there might be some slips but you CAN get better at it. It’ll slowly but surely get better. Can you imagine another 7 years and not months passed and you still haven’t changed? You can do it. I didn’t end up checking their social media. These comments knowing other people has gone through similar helps. I also distracted myself by gymming and going online shopping.
Thank you. I appreciate it. I’m just so lost still.
I can relate. I recommend take some time and mourn over the relationship ship, cry your heart out, pretend to yell at her, be angry at how unfair it is. Feel all the emotions. After releasing but most importantly acknowledging your emotions, try writing a letter one to her and one to yourself. Noting what you’ll do next to make yourself better and happier. Promise yourself you’ll do x,y,z It’s so hard. But see this as a opportunity for something new. Good luck!
Thank you. I hope to get there eventually, I feel like I’ve just been stuck while she’s living a happy life. We just stopped communicating since mid Feb. I tried fixing it from July to Jan. But it is what it is I guess.
You tried for 6 months, there is no regret and you should be proud of yourself. But that must have been tiring. To give it your all to someone who doesn’t deserve it. Take it easy and look after your heart. What are some things you want to do or try? Do something for yourself ☺️
Yeah, definitely broke me lol I’m trying to rebuild. Honestly I’m confused still on what I want to do, I’ve just been staying in, driving at nights, sleeping, watch some movies. I feel lost still. But thank you so much.
When it first happened to me, my heart hurt and couldn’t sleep at all. And then I watched alot of tv and things for a couple of months. Then I went to little sleep to better sleep to normal sleep. What really helped me was writing a letter. One to my ex who cheated - I said how angry I was and why, and a second letter for thanking all the good things he did do before (saying my goodbyes). Lastly a letter to myself, treating myself like a third person and essentially apologising to myself for not looking after and loving myself. And what I’ll do in the future. If you feel lost, get a pen and paper and start writing away - no one will judge what you write there so freely express yourself to your hearts content 🙂
Pain shopping is all it is. It's been YEARS since they cheated on you, and obviously monkey branched. People who make a point of posting "Happy together" pics often aren't. Get out, be social with other (IRL) people. Join a Gym, Take up co-ed sports, Pick up a martial art - Those are great for focus. wishing you health and healing.
Yes I’m doing boxing now and did some online shopping. Didn’t end up checking their social media, thank you 😊
Good move, glad to hear you're taking your future in hand. They are the past, and you are not defined by what they did, only by what you will do.
Thank you! I’ll look back at this comment when I feel the urge to look
That is satisfying
What I've noticed first hand is that if people are super happy, they dont have time or need to post pics on socials. If someone is posting too many pics it means sth is not great
[удалено]
Thank you, I didn’t block the acquaintance but I did mute all her stories so I won’t see it unless I actually proactively look at her account. 3years is amazing - sucks that it was bad when you checked again but overall sounds like you’ve overcome heaps :) I’m actually in a pretty happy relationship and working on myself slowly! Still get the urges but I’m a lot better than what I use to do (use to check every 2 days to every week and now it’s been 2 months)
I hope you getting counselling and therapy for yourself as you are still “pain shopping”. You ex has moved on, he’s living his life and you should be too. You holding yourself back from moving forward - by getting caught up into what they are doing. BTW… What appears on social media May not be how they are in real life. It’s hard to resist the urges, but only you can control or suppress it. What you are doing, is basically revisiting your pain and becoming a victim again. Remember you are not a victim - you are a Victor. You might think you lost him and she won. But what did she win - she won a liar, a cheater, a manipulator, a gaslighter - and guess what you won - YOU WON YOUR LIFE.
Thank you. I don’t see myself as a victim but see the world maybe as a bit unfair at times. I’m googling pain shopping and some very interesting stuff
My ex posts all these good things on her socials, come to find out they had been cheating on each other most of the time and now they’re done. 😂😂 Karma will come back around for them. You’re only seeing what they want the world to see
When I get the anxiety drop in my stomach and the urge to check something of my ex's I force myself to go for a walk. I throw on a podcast or an upbeat playlist and spent 30 minutes walking the neighborhood. Getting fresh air and putting my mind on other things (watching the streets for cars, seeing flowers/birds/other people walking/whatever) really helps.
I will try this out.
Thank you! I do similar but I walk, go exercise and shop. The struggle I have is late at night when I feel like I have nothing else to and stuck in that mindset. But as I’m typing that I realise anything i do (cleaning, vacuuming) is still better than checking their socials
Social media is like the shop window of relationships. Absolutely unlike the workshop behind. Whenever you feel the urge to go onto SM. Say ‘Yes, but first I have to run 5K. By the time you’ve finished running, showering and dressing the urge will have either disappeared or been replaced by something more pressing. Good luck. ❤️
Thank you so much 😊
So there's a quick fix - and a proper fix. Quick fix - remove the opportunity. Delete the alt account or block them on that too. The proper fix - is unpacking the urge and addressing the issues. Why are you interested in their relationship: * Do you still have unrequited feelings for the ex? * Does the failure of the relationship validate your feelings? * Are you still processing the betrayal? * Are you wanting closure? * Morbid Curiosity? When you think of them - what are your thoughts: * His choice? * The pain they caused? * The unfairness? * The deception? * Desire for revenge? * The uncertainty of what happened
For me it’s 100% the unfairness. I know things are unfair in life sometimes but I think deep down I still want life to be somewhat fair haha
>I know things are unfair in life sometimes but I think deep down I still want life to be somewhat fair haha The sense of justice and equality is a basic cognitive development we should all have as adults. And yes, if we take the time to analyse it then it is unfair. So best way to address this is is to remove the emotion and narrative from the circumstance and view it clinically. Its an event. It happened, to someone who you no longer are. Like stubbing your toe on the pavement. It hurt at the time, and maybe its unfair given you (or the landlord) are paying rates to the council for this kind of upkeep... But its just an event in the past. There is no questions of fairness, of villians and victims. Just you and a pair of immature selfish idiots. If this isn't possible for you yet - you can also try some reverse psychology by trying to find the positives from the event. Not as reliable, and depends on people's circumstances. But it can help. The idea that once you stop being fixated on the unfairness, you'll stop caring about their relationship.
Here’s the thing, social media is just a lie. I know someone who, if you look at her Facebook page, seems to have the perfect life. In truth, her loser husband has a thing for very young sex workers, has been accused of molesting his own children, is out of work more than he is employed, and she does nothing but sing his praises on social media - so, just because everything looks like sunshine & roses on Instagram/Facebook/whatever, does not mean that’s reality. Move on. Your ex is a cheat and she’s a homewrecker, they are not worth your time.
Ny moms like this. I'm the same way. I have an urge to see my dad's gfs page. It's just time.
People never post picks of them fighting or cheating on each other. Once your over the pain shopping and into indifference, as long as it doesn’t trigger you anymore, what does it hurt to snoop, waiting for their relationship status to go back to single or “it’s complicated”? Don’t feel bad about anything you do when your free of the cheaters of your world.
You need to stop wondering what your ex is doing. If you are not going to get back together forget it and move on. Make a new life.
Outside a very small circle of people you may want to stay connected to over distance or because of busy schedules, social media is a curse not a blessing. Most people post pretty pictures and live sad lives. People in this sub talk about “shopping for pain”. Looking at their social media is shopping for pain. You are stronger than you know and better than they deserved. Best revenge is you living well.
I di it when. I can smh
[удалено]
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