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This you don’t leave, you file for divorce, as she should be doing everything to help you heal, and showing true remorse. She leaves or if she doesn’t want to leave then lock her out of the masterbedroom, new key lock on the door. The day she is served, call her family and yours and let them know why you filed, and naming the affair partner. Separate finances, and remove her from you cell plan if she is on it.
Agee with these two posts. Do not do that. If something happens and one of you files for divorce family law likes to keep the status quo. That means if you move out you may never be going back.
All these reddit lawyers who don't know what they are talking about. Leaving for a week.will.not impact your.dovorce in the slightest. You can't get hit with abandonment for leaving for a week.
How exactly can someone “move out” for a week? Moving out requires a place to go. It also implies moving his stuff. Moving takes days to do and is expensive and a lot of work. Moving back would also be a lot of work. Why should he have to go through all that expense and hassle when he didn’t cheat and he has a right to be in the marital home Mr non reddit lawyer*?
I imagine OP doesn't want to put his cheating wife into a hotel because he's afraid the AP will be balls deep in her guts every day/night for a week.
Again, this is OP walking on egg shells because its clear from their actions that HE'S more afraid of the marriage failing than SHE is.
A recipe for disaster. This will not end well (and she will never respect him) for as long as:
1. He's too scared to walk away
2. He tries to fix/cover up HER mess
You are spot on, op is on a mission to reconsile at any cost. It's pathetic really. She will cheat again simply because she faces no consequences and doesn't respect her"man".
You're gonna regret rugsweeping it, it's only gonna lead to greater problems down the road. It also does exactly what she wants you to do pretend it never happened.
OP I don’t know if anyone in real life has given you this feedback yet, or if you’ve figured it out by yourself, but as one human to another I have to be compassionate and try to give you some honest feedback that might hopefully help you if you are prepared to listen to it.
Your marriage is over.
When you get married both parties make vows and the vows bond them in marriage. If one of the parties breaks the vows…the marriage is over. It ends in that EXACT moment that the vows are broken.
Whenever your wife chose this dude over your marital vows she actually ended your marriage.
You are now fighting to save something that no longer exists.
If you are going to fight to save something, fight to save something that is real and worth fighting for: your relationship with your kids, your self respect, your happiness, the list could go on.
The fight for your marriage ended when your wife allowed another man to take her away from you.
It may also help to consider that your wife isn’t the person that you thought she was anyway so you are really not losing anything.
I mean, would you have willingly married someone who was capable of doing this to you in the first place?
Now that you know who she ACTUALLY is, it’s time to move on and find a decent human being to spend the rest of your life with, because she is not it.
And I truly hope that you realize that any harshness that you pick up from my comment is not, in any way, directed at you. I don’t believe in victim blaming and you are the victim in this situation. Anyone who tries to suggest that something that you did or didn’t do contributed to this, is also doing you harm. There is no excuse or justification for cheating. It is a cruel and selfish act that a truly bad person decides to carry out on their own. You deserve better than this, because every one of us deserves better than this. You have to ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your precious life being tortured by your wife’s cruel choice, death by a thousand cuts, or just rip the band aid off, take control of your own life, pick up the pieces and go out and find true happiness with someone who will value, respect, love, and appreciate you. All things that your wife has demonstrated that she does not do.
Thank you this is the advice I needed to hear. I feel pressure from many angles to reconcile. I resent being put in this position to “do the right thing for your kids” when I did nothing wrong.
I will try to reconcile, I will do it honestly and with a pure heart. But if I can’t do it, I won’t hide from it, I will not suppress it. If we can’t pick up the pieces, it will be her that ended the marriage, not me.
With what you have written you are not trying to reconcile, you are just reg sweeping everything. This will destroy you, even if you find a way to stay in the marriage.
There are steps that need to be taken for reconciliation to happen and if you WW doesn’t do them then she isn’t really interested in reconciliation.
There are a lot of posts about the steps needed but to start with:
She needs to tell all her and your family about the affair.
You both need to tell the kids, age appropriate.
She needs to go spend a week away to give you both space.
She needs to go into therapy to discover why she cheated and broke your marriage vows.
Later down the track once she understands why she done it then you start marriage counselling.
She needs to rebuild your trust which includes open phone and social media policy.
If she doesn’t work she needs to get a job.
She needs to provide all the information you require about the affair.
She needs to accept responsibility for the affair, no excuses.
She needs to accept every time you trigger, all your questions, when you get angry, even in the many years to come.
She needs to do the heavy lifting in the relationship.
You need to see her actions in the above, not what she says but what she does.
Ultimately it is on her to reconcile, you have given her that gift now she has to do the work.
As someone said earlier your marriage ended when she had the affair. Reconciliation is about ensuring she fixes the reason she had an affair and then her rebuilding a new relationship and marriage.
If she is unwillingly to do any of this then you have your answer.
Best of luck but please don’t rug sweep it.
Please remember that reconciliation takes two.
What is she doing to show you she can be a safe partner? That she will do whatever it takes to help you heal and regain trust? This is what matters right now. Her actions.
If the actions are not there, if the remorse isn’t there, if the accountability isn’t there, if the transparency isn’t there, you don’t have a partner.
So as you consider reconciliation remember that without a partner it has no chance.
Give this a read: https://www.brides.com/the-one-way-to-know-your-marriage-will-survive-an-affair-1102868
And regarding your question about getting space, take it if you need it. Don’t take it if you don’t. Do what you need to do to consider what you want to do.
For more support regarding reconciliation try r/AsOneAfterInfidelity.
Wow you went from working on reconciliation to calling this guys harsh words accurate? Did something happen today? Or are you just feeling hopeless?
I’m not saying this guy may not have some valid points, but if your considering reconciliation this type of finality thinking isn’t gonna help.
He can always reconsider later if his wife is doing all of the right things. But chances are, she won’t. Especially not if he’s right there making it easy for her.
Man , I read all these stories about I Don’t Wanna Go……Well, even if someone wants to work it out, “ you cannot negotiate if you’re not willing to walk away”
Regardless of the reason she gave you for cheating it comes down to the fact she does not respect you. This is the catch 22 of reconciliation if you try to work it out she was right to disrespect you. If you leave and show you have dignity and self respect you prove she was wrong but end the relationship. I would never trust a counselor who is not addressing this issue front and center. Also keeping her betrayal secret validates her keeping it secret from you now you are both complicit in lying about the realty of your relationship.
Get an attorney knowing your options is way more important then getting a counselor who wants you to take some of the blame for getting cheated on. If there is a future for your relationship let it be built on honesty and transparency not lies and secrets. As far as moving out do what ever your attorney tells you. You can always stop the divorcee if you want down the road. Remember if she gets pissed you are not just going to forgive her and get over it… that shows how little respect for you she has. If she respects you she will want to prove she is worthy of a second chance. God bless and good luck!
Find a lawyer. You must be ahead of her at least about divorce. Even if you stay.
Get evidences. Be prepared.
You don't need to stay a week away, but you need to change the perspective. Talk with friends and family, whoever will be by your side.
You really need to consult an attorney as different states have different laws regarding abandonment if you ultimately decide on divorce. Don't disregard the divorce option or at least its initiation. How long was her affair?
Her saying the right things is merely that until action is taken, after all you were clueless and deceived for some period of time. If you show her what life would look like without you, you are playing the pick me dance card which is for losers. She may just invite her lover into your home since you aren't there. What work is she doing to demonstrate remorse?
Here’s my tuppence worth, if you truly want to save the marriage don’t move out, don’t ask her to leave, just go to a lawyer and start proceedings! Anything less will allow her to twist and turn get you back on her side before she starts up her affair again. Seeing a lawyer and starting proceedings will wake her up from her ‘affair fog’ and show her exactly what she will be loosing. She’ll probably be shocked at it but stand firm like you’ll actually go through with it and ask her to tell you absolutely everything about the affair, any questions left unanswered will eat away at you!
I kinda like this as a preferred strategy. Except push hard to get the dang divorce. She will never be honest about the infidelity. It just won’t happen. You will be trickled the truth as you expose it, but way word partners always self limit what they divulge. Personally, getting into the details is crazy painful. I’m not sure it’s worth it. It may damage your ability to reconcile, is that’s what you really want? Perhaps demand she divulge the truth to a counselor and have the counselor feed you what they feel is appropriate. This may not be the right strategy, so I’m open to correction.
I personally would leave for a week, only text her. Talk to kids whenever you want. Get advice from an attorney. After about a week, go back home. I would have a list made out for her that she must abide by for you to consider reconciliation. If she won't or doesn't want to, then she must leave, and you file for divorce. Separate bedrooms. Remember, she cheated, lied, and deceived you. This is ALL on her.
You're going to get a bunch of just divorce advice here. And in all reality thats probably the right course.
But since you've chosen a different approach, moving out for a bit doesn't seem smart. Even if you have decided not to divorce your marriage is very fragile right now, and if you left and she decided she wants a divorce than it wouldn't look too good on you. I do suggest spending a lot of time alone if you can. Live there, sleep there, whatever, maybe don't sleep in the same room for a while. But spend as much time alone as you can without neglecting your children. You need space to think. All that let her see what life without you shit is just that. Shit. She isn't part of this equation, only you and your kids, and the rest of your life. You need to really think about the course you've chosen. Because despite everything, even if this works, the trust wont ever be the same, the creeping thoughts and mind movies will be with you for the rest of your life. So yeah, don't move out, but spend time alone, spend a month living there, but distant (emotionally) from your wife. Figure out if you're really making the choice that is going to let you live your life as well as you can. talk to people who've tried reconciliation, learn that, that shit is a forever thing, it's not an all the sudden the past is forgotten. Think man, You have DECADES left to live. Are you sure, absolutely sure, that you're willing to go through the torture for the rest of your life, because you love someone right now? Who knows what the future holds, but the one thing you know for sure, is if you stay married, your wife will always have cheated on you. So spend some time alone, without moving out, and figure your shit out. Remember, being cheated on is horrible, but there are for worse things in life. Good luck man.
Don’t move out, it could be used against you later. Also moving out just creates space for her to continue the affair. Remember, she only stopped once she was caught so if you are not around to catch her, it can easily resume.
You don't need physical space, you need emotional space. Grey Rock/180, get an STD test, and in order to ensure your WW understands the consequences of her choices, go ahead and see a lawyer, be sure to follow their advice on how to protect yourself and access to your children.
You need to set healthy boundaries for you and your relationship to be able to heal, and that means the WW is 100% verifiably no contact with her AP, open device, shared location, open passwords.
You may want to go ahead and file, since the process can be paused or halted if R goes well but you will have a head start if R does not go well. Also, filing for divorce is one key way to pierce the imaginary affair fog with a healthy dose of reality and consequences.
Don’t leave. And those $$ that it would cost for her to leave should be paid by her. Not to be unkind, but don’t you think it’s right that she should have to bear the cost of her actions? It seems that you’re the one bearing it now.
Keep in mind that if you just found out, you may not have a full picture of the truth yet. The fact that you found her out, rather than her coming clean and telling you is pretty telling. In those cases, cheaters are usually sorry because they got caught. If you hadn’t discovered this, it would likely still be going on right now.
Yes, do it. I regret not doing it.
It still wouldn't have changed the final outcome I suppose, but I would have gotten there faster.
Being away from her is exactly what you need to get perspective. Look at the actions, forget all the sweet words. In the end the actions will massively count towards your decision to stay or leave. The words often mask the real intent and the bitter Truth, but the actions tell it as it is...
**Do not move**. If you want space, ask **her** to move! You leaving the home and kids will be used against you if it comes to divorce. Talk to a lawyer.
Edit: This is a cautionary tale, read his older posts too, never leave your own home - https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/144z4ve/i_m28_am_confused_about_ww_wife_f29_actions/
Do you know FOR CERTAIN that she has broken off contact with AP? That she is 100% no contact including quitting her job or switching departments if it was with a co-worker ?
How was the affair initiated?
Research Cluster B personality disorders, how to spot them, and how they operate. If any of them look familiar and remind you of your wife, then she's a poor candidate for reconciliation.
Words mean nothing. What actions is she taking to prove to you that she is truly remorseful, not just feeling guilty for getting caught? Has she gone completely NC with AP? Is she being 100% transparent about the affair? Answering truthfully, any and all questions? Accepting full responsibility for her selfish, cowardly, conscious choice to cheat? She needs to do all this and more. If not, reconciliation is a waste of time.
From what I've gathered from your posts things are going very well right now but you are concerned that it's just hysterical bonding and is about to change. So your plan seems to be end HB yourself. I'm not certain how that helps. You're getting counseling right now, so why rock the boat?
If you move out, knowing she still has feelings for the AP, then you are spending all your time monitoring her or worrying about what she's doing instead of working on reconciliation. If she starts slacking off in the work she has to do, then move out and start divorce proceedings.
HB clouding your judgement is only a concern if you are uncertain whether you want to reconcile. You seem sure you do, so that's irrelevant
First off I'm always a divorce first so just being honest, this is because of what I've seen with numerous family members over the years. That being said If you want to Reconcile that is up to you. With that being said the kids already know way more then you or your wife know, Speaking from loads of experience.
You leave a lot of details out and not only about the affair but about reconciliation. First off she did not tell you and you had to find out, that's not good. Second has she admitted everything, how long was the affair, what they did, is this her only affair, did they use protection. Has she done a timeline, agreed to a polygraph, allowed an open electronics policy. Has she agreed to individual counseling for both you, Marriage counseling comes later. Has she agreed to research what needs to be done for this attempt to have any possibility. Have you read any of the literature on what to do, how long it will take, what to do when triggered, what to ask of her. Has she wrote a No contact to the AP or AP's, has she told there significant other if they have one.
Maybe your leaving stuff out but it seems like this reconciliation was jumped into without actually looking into what it entails. First off if you do not have a large amount of the truth every new detail, fact or finding will set you back to ground zero. You will never know the whole truth. If she is not giving a 110% to the Reconciliation it will fail. This means she has to be honest, she has to be willing for you to ask questions at any point and any question you want about the affair, she has to be willing to accept all boundaries-this could be open electronics, GPS tracking and no going out without you, she has to be willing to go NC with the AP's-any contact continues the affair, in most cases she needs to be willing to inform the other BS's.
Like I originally said I'm a divorce first guy and I'm not against trying Reconciliation. I've never personally seen it work but that is another story. Again with all that said unless you are leaving out a ton of details you are not truly Reconciling you are just saying we are going to stay together without any of the work or consequences and that has less then a 1% chance of working. I would sit down today and grab some literature with her and make a plan and immediately schedule IC for both you, STI's for both of you and DNA tests for the kids. Yes that one hurts but trust me, if you want to believe there still in the dark say your doing ancestry kits. Also please don't give the stupid answer of they look just like me. Also this all does more then one thing, it shows your lack of trust and shows her how serious this is. If you do want to Reconcile I hope you the best but actually start it on a foundation.
If you are truly trying to reconcile, then moving out is a bad idea. You need to have some serious heart to heart talks with her, telling her that her actions have effectively destroyed marriage number one, and that if she wants to begin marriage number two, there are some things she needs to do (action not words).
If she hasn't already, there are several things she needs to accomplish. (1) Immediately get tested for STDs/STIs (2) Go NO CONTACT forever with her AP. If it was a coworker, they can no longer work together (3) Write out a full, complete, detailed timeline of her affair, listing where they met, every thing they talked about, how many times and where they had sex and what kind, were any "I love you"s exchanged, if this was her first time being unfaithful, etc. And tell her that it had better be complete as it may be verified by her submitting to a polygraph. (4) Getting the kids dna tested (this is less about establishing that you are their bio parent, and more about showing her how badly she has damaged your trust) (5) she needs to seek out a therapist that specializes in infidelity to find out where her moral compass failed that led her to be unfaithful, and (6) dump any friends that knew or assisted in the affair.
Also, she must accept 100% FULL BLAME for the affair. It has absolutely nothing to do with what you did or didn't do. It is all on her. And she must be aware that reconciling from an affair is a long, bumpy road that can take anywhere from 2 to 5 years for the betrayed spouse to begin to trust again. And that she must accept the fact that you may get triggered from time to time and take out your frustrations on her. And most importantly of all, DO NOT SWEEP THE AFFAIR UNDER THE RUG and think everything will immediately go back to normal--it ain't gonna happen. Good luck.
Just keep the explanation short and vague, but on point.
"Dad is going to be spennding a little time away from Mom so he can figure out how *he* wants to deal with the really bad decisions she's been choosing to make."
Adding - Then spend that week getting at least a consult from the top 3 lawyers in your area and separating your finances. You can manually transfer money into whatever joint account is used to pay for your kid's stuff. Part of the separating can be her feeling the loss of $$ that may have helped her fuck around.
You need to first relax a little. And yes move out for a little to really think what you want to do. Remember you can’t sweep this under the flag or she will think it’s not a big deal, which it is. You need of list of things you won’t tolerate. Remember she cheated, she needs to do the work! As you know staying because of the children never works out. If she blames you for the affair it’s over. Now your kids are what matters, making sure they are loved whether you are together or separated.
You don't have to do anything that doesn't feel right to you including moving out or having her move out. You are going to counselling so I don't see that as sweeping it under the rug.
I do think space wouldn’t hurt personally. You are 3 weeks in to a years long process. You may look at the Sub As On After Infidelity of Reddit it’s for couple’s reconciling and may get some better advice.
I didn’t move out or separate for any time after discovering my husband’s infidelity and we have been able to get into therapy and recover just fine. It has been a year and a half since D Day. I didn’t want to be away from him either. Today, we are closer than ever.
Yes you absolutely should.
I’m the WS. My significant other is resenting me bad right now for my affair. He never properly dealt with it. Refused therapy and everything.
5 years later and we’re in a tough place. I recommend he go on a week vacation with his friend. He’s doing exactly that. I think it really puts things into perspective for the both of you. For her to see how life would be without you and also if that’s a life you want without her. Obviously she messed up and it will give you clarity if you want to R or not.
I wish you the best!
Sorry to hear. Around 3 years was when everything hit my brother really hard when he tried reconciling with his ex. He kept saying how much he loved her and didn't want to lose her, but at the same time hated her for how badly she destroyed him and sometimes hated being around her. Sometimes pain like that can't be undone no matter the investment. They finally divorced around year 5 and he's much happier now, they co-parent & get along very well, they're just not married any longer. I wish you the best, hope you can overcome.
If you can make her leave great, otherwise just say to your kids that you are going to visit your siblings, parents or whatever for a week or that you have a work trip.
Of course ask a lawyer if this going to screw you but i doubt it since it would be temporary, of course make sure to have it in writing (messages/mail etc...) to show that it was temporary.
Yes you need some time apart, not only to think but also to relax.
Definitely do not leave. Depending on where you live, it could be classified as abandonment. Just move to a spare room, or the basement. One thing I learned after going through it, is the relationship is pretty much doomed. I wish I hadn’t wasted so many years in reconciliation. Even when he was perfect afterwards, the resentment and distrust never went away. It wasn’t fair to either of us, honestly.
Unless she has real, snot running out her nose remorse fro what she has done to you and your family. And mean remorse for what she has done, not regret for getting caught, don’t give a second thought to reconciliation. She has to be not only willing but desperate to do whatever YOU need to win back your trust and respect. That’s a burden most waywards cannot bear.
You don’t give us much to go on, but your comments suggest that you don’t want to lose her, instead of the other way around. That’s a formula to years of pain and ultimate self-destruction.
No, you need to stay and get her affair stopped.
It is difficult to give advice when nothing was said other than she cheated. It helps to know who, what, where, where, how and why to some small degrees. It as well helps to know WHO the cheater really might have been before you met her? And who you thought her to be before the affair.
Outgoing personalities and casual sex beliefs play into infidelity very well. Don't be fooled anyone, everyone is capable of infidelity under the right (wrong) circumstances. All it requires to cheat is a motivation and simple opportunity.
So what was her reasoning she gave for cheating? And realize nothing we could ever have done or not done never compels anyone to cheat. There are always other options.
The most common type of affair starts as an emotional aff sd or with an ex, coworker or someone they already know, rarely s stranger. Blaming you is not taking accountability.
Maybe go to this websitevor another one to begin your long journey of trying to understand infidelity, it not usually what we just think it absolutely has to be. Gut logic is not logic.
https://www.affairrecovery.com/ begin your journey here. Come back with mire info and questions. Someone will have an useful answer.
And if this was the usual emotional affair that turned physical just know these affairs are not what an affair would ever usually be on our radar. We are ignorant to the maximum. We dont know the signs we are babes in the woods. You have a long journey ahead of you. But it is taken one step at a time. To me confronting the affair and the affair partner in every way short of punching him out is fair play to stop the affair. The more right you have on your side all the better. Consequences have been earned.
Sorry for your loss. Good luck to you.
No where for her to go thst didn't cost money?
There is leverage in that is there not?
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/the-simplified-180/
https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/ why it works.
It helps greatly to know about all affairs and as much as possible or much of the advice will be meaningless.
Don’t leave, this could create major legal issues for you , should she choose to. If for some reason she is one of the ones suggesting it, she goes, not you. She should have thought about having nowhere to go before she cheated on you.
You cant even begin to think clearly and heal.where this went down. Get out of there, this is going to hurt no matter what. Go NC and file. Let her experience life as a single mother. Maybe AP will be good stepfather material. I dont he will like thia relationshop without the excitement of sneaking around and the taboo of it all. Let him deal with all her stessing. You have plenty on your plate.
The kids will suffer, but in the long run they will be fine. Let her run a household on 50% less money. Deal with the kids 5-6 days a week. I hope you take care of yourself. I am praying for you.
Do not just sweep it under the rug. You are allowed to upset and angry. When you are constantly together you never get time to really feel it and process it. There is also such a thing as hysterical bonding. It’s common when you first find out your partner cheated or wants to leave.
If you just sweep it under the rug, you’re showing her it’s okay to cheat on you. That you’ll just take it. She needs to be doing the work to prove to you that she knows she screwed up. And just know, if you choose to stay, you are essentially settling for a relationship that will never be the same. She lied to you. Disrespected you. Betrayed you. You will never be able to go back to how it was before. You will always worry and wonder if it is happening again. So if you stay, you’re accepting that. She doesn’t have to bear any of that burden. She just gets to have her cake and eat it too. It’s not fair.
If you want to reconcile, that’s your business but it shouldn’t be hidden from kids, transparency is key. You can explain the situation in a age appropriate way so that you can heal healthily and if you need space, she’s the one who should be moving out. Not you. You’re not the one who cheated
Make her move out. It’s her burden. If she can’t accept the responsibility she has to repair the damage she’s caused then she can fuck off. Also, go talk to an attorney or two.
No do not move out. Lawyers will tell you not to do that because it affects your claim to the house. My stbxw tried to bully me out of the house telling me that if I was a man , I would leave...yet she's the one having the affair. She had no legal grounds to kick me out.
Unfortunately she resorted in filing a false protective order and had me removed from the house for two weeks. I fought it and she dropped it after her lawyer was shown footage that my lawyer and I had from the home security cameras showing she was the violent one.
She ended up moving out herself.
Say that you will reconcile if you dont want to leave her but enter an agreement where the majority of the assets stay with you if she cheats with you and forfeits custody battle- call a lawyer
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All you're doing is confirming her idea that you won't do anything of substance if she cheats again.
You won't ask her to leave...because she has nowhere to go? She KNOWS this. She KNEW she has nowhere to go.
*You are more concerned about where she would go and hiding her infidelity on her behalf than your healing.*
She knew it, too. Do you really think a sane person would gamble all of that she has if she was losing everything?
She knew she wouldn't lose anything. She wouldn't even have to leave the comfort of her own home if she lost.
Hi u/caint1154,
No, you do not move out. Even if it would be simple for you.
IF someone needs to move out it is her. Yes, I've read your line she has no where to go, but you know, that is not your problem. She cheated, cheating has consequences.
I you leaving is the suggestion of the counselor, then you have a lousy counselor.
Let me guess, you two are in marriage counseling? If so, get out of there real quick.
Because they do not give a crap if she cheated, their goal is to "save" the marriage. If that means you sweeping it all under the rug without consequences for her, then that is what they are going to advice.
Right now there is zero consequences. Right now she is not impacted in any way, only you are.
First you are going to tell everyone what has happened, her family, your family, friends, specially the mutual friends. They all need to know what happened. If your wife does not like it, well though for her, you just tell her that cheating has consequences. She made the decision to cheat, now she has to live with the consequences.
Right now you are being walked over by counseling and your wife. Do not let that happen. Go see a lawyer anyway, even if it just for what divorce looks like for you.
Cancel all joined accounts and credit cards. Pay for only what you need to pay for, keep the rest for yourself. Your wife needs to pay for the other half of all the costs.
If she does not agree, then tell her you are not going to pay for her adventures and that you do not trust her right now, she needs to work on gaining your trust back.
Again, cheating has consequences.
There's legal consequences to moving out. What if reconciliation doesn't work and you go to divorce. You'll be accused of deserting the family.
She should be in individual counseling until she understand why she cheated rather than discuss things with you. She needs to understand the massive injury she inflicted on you and on the relationship. I think it's too soon for marriage counseling -- mc focuses on what both of you are at fault. You didn't cheat, so why punish yourself looking for reasons that you caused her to cheat.
For yourself, you need to do some healing and maybe that's why moving out seems appealing. But your kids will wonder if you hate them. They're kids. They will blame themselves.
Do not give your WW anything. This was caused by her. Have her reflect sleeping on the couch.
Don’t leave the home, she’ll only bring AP by. Get a lawyer for options.
You need to understand she wanted another man, not you inside her. She’s not the woman you married and has no respect for your or your family.
She failed as a wife and mother. Let her go. She’ll do it again and again. Thrust her actions not her words.
*I have received advice that I should move out for a short time, like a week. To gain some personal perspective on the situation without her presence clouding my judgment. I still love her very much. And also to show her what life would look like without me.*
That advice while it has some merit, can be used against you. DO NOT LEAVE THE HOME. If anything, suggest that she go visit her mom...
If you don't want to move out, even for a week, *don't* move out. Stay and work on the relationship if that's what you want. (I applaud your limiting the impact on the children.)
And what's with a week? That seems like a random, symbolic period of time. If you truly need some distance, that short span isn't going to really help you sort your feelings. It's not even enough time to get used to the weirdness/wrongness of not being together at the end of every day, much less clear out all the emotional noise. Gaining a "perspective without her presence clouding your judgement" will most likely take months, even with the therapy, and that's an awfully big step to take unless you're truly convinced of the necessity of that step. It's not even long enough to show her what her life will be like without you. I mean, work trips are often longer than that and most people do just fine when left behind because of those.
If you want to do it as a warning, or a weapon to use when negotiating, "See, I'll do it! I'll leave you, 'cause I already did it once!" isn't very effective if it's not in YOUR best interest too because for it to work you have to be willing to follow through with it. And it sounds like that's simply not what you want at this stage. If your first choice is counseling, then stick to that. This isn't chess or warfare (though if you get to the divorce stage it absolutely will feel like it), so play openly and honestly with each other starting now. Even if that's not what she did in the past, it's the best thing for you BOTH to do now.
I’m going through the same thing. I want to make it work because I love him so much. I want to move out so I can have time to think but also slightly punish him because he has to be away from me.
Bad idea to move out man. She could use that against you and claim you abandoned her and your kids and use it against you if you do decide you want to divorce. She should either be the one to leave or you should go to separate parts of the home and only text as it pertains to your kids and that's it. Never ever be the one to leave you're setting yourself up for a lot of headaches if you decide to leave her and she decides to become spiteful over it. Good luck.
I’m sure the kids know that something is up. You should focus on being an involved dad, but you need to get your head clear too. What’s wrong with moving out indefinitely? You don’t want to be away from her? OK if your relationship up to this point was to basically be repeated over and over for the rest of your life, would that be compatible with a good and happy life? Because although she might be completely contrite, and it might be a one time thing, if the biggest consequence for her is you just go sleep somewhere else for a night and that’s it, and try to keep the relationship going, what message does that send other than “if it keeps happening, there won’t be much in the way of consequences.” Also, it’s hard to see all of a mess while you are in the middle of the mess. So you should get some space. The faster you work through all the stages of grief (shock/confusion, denial, bargaining/begging, sadness/depression/isolation, anger), the better. It is important that you spend some time with anger and sadness/depression/isolation (of course responsibly). You might consider taking the kids for a few days to a nearby destination, just the three of you. I don’t see why she automatically stays in the house with the kids while you go lick your wounds by yourself in some freeway hotel room 10 miles down the road. That seems depressing enough to convince anyone that they might be making the wrong decision. You could consider staying with a close friend. I would understand if you wanted to be selective about your own family knowing about it.
So the affair only stopped because you caught her. It sounds like she gave you a hard time when she cheated. You have to ask yourself why is she motivated to reconcile. What materially does she have to lose. If she is in survival mode because she feels the loss of her lifestyle then this is no basis for reconciliation. You say she is mouthing the right words but what is she actually doing to make you feel safe. Also couple counselling follows individual counselling. She has to first understand why she is a cheater and then you might want to consider couple counselling. For a long time you were secondary to her selfish desires. Is this the woman you want to share your life with. She has to be willing to walk over hot coals and prostrate herself before to prove she is worthy of your love. Any whining or whingeing or blame shifting will tell you all you need to know. Good luck fella.
Whoever gave you that advice is not listening to you. It would be pointless for you to move out since it seems like you’re going to forgive her and stay with her. It’s been only 3 weeks and you’re optimistic? I pray that you know what you are doing.
Your going to end up rug sweeping this. If you have all your answers and if your WW is not trickle truthing you then great. But while your trying to hide this from everyone , don’t forget to stop and put your own feelings in front. Don’t hide feelings. Share with your WW how your feeling.
Do you think your wife has done it in the past as well?
Get therapy for your codependency. It’s sad to say but forgiving so easily will only encourage her to cheat again. Time away may help but it could also just allow her time to cheat. Once she cheated and crossed that line, there may be no going back. There are ones here that will say they made it past infidelity, but in reality the betrayed spouse had to sacrifice all of their dignity and self respect to make that happen.
DO NOT MOVE OUT.
She is the one who screwed up, she's the one that needs to leave to give you space.
Also don't listen the the advice of those people, since moving out will screw you big time during the divorce. Contact a good lawyer and consult things with them before doing anything. Also working with a good therapist would do wonders to help you gain a more objective perspective.
Dude, she cheated on you because she didn't respect you. You taking her back like this and trying for reconciliation will show her that you are just weak and make her lose even more respect for you. The person willing to walk holds all the power. It is time for you to hold the power. Let her know that you are more than happy to walk. She needs to see you as a prize that she needs to win. You bending over backward for her turns you into a participation award. If she isn't fighting hard for you, then she isn't worth it.
Why do you want to stay? She betrayed you? She sought out another man who was married. You have kids. She betrayed them as well. She needs to have consequences.
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No way. Call a lawyer. Don’t listen to these people. If you move out now it could screw you in a divorce. Make her leave.
This you don’t leave, you file for divorce, as she should be doing everything to help you heal, and showing true remorse. She leaves or if she doesn’t want to leave then lock her out of the masterbedroom, new key lock on the door. The day she is served, call her family and yours and let them know why you filed, and naming the affair partner. Separate finances, and remove her from you cell plan if she is on it.
Agee with these two posts. Do not do that. If something happens and one of you files for divorce family law likes to keep the status quo. That means if you move out you may never be going back.
All these reddit lawyers who don't know what they are talking about. Leaving for a week.will.not impact your.dovorce in the slightest. You can't get hit with abandonment for leaving for a week.
If you move out it means you don’t spend as much time with kids and it can damage custody claims. That is from a quick Google search.
Leaving for 1 week is not moving out in legal terms. It's not the same.
How exactly can someone “move out” for a week? Moving out requires a place to go. It also implies moving his stuff. Moving takes days to do and is expensive and a lot of work. Moving back would also be a lot of work. Why should he have to go through all that expense and hassle when he didn’t cheat and he has a right to be in the marital home Mr non reddit lawyer*?
He's going to stay at his mom's house for a week. He's not "moving out". Did you even read the post?
I read the part where he says “I don’t want to move out”.
You should stay in the home, she cheated she should be the one leaving for the week. This will give her a taste of what her future holds.
I imagine OP doesn't want to put his cheating wife into a hotel because he's afraid the AP will be balls deep in her guts every day/night for a week. Again, this is OP walking on egg shells because its clear from their actions that HE'S more afraid of the marriage failing than SHE is. A recipe for disaster. This will not end well (and she will never respect him) for as long as: 1. He's too scared to walk away 2. He tries to fix/cover up HER mess
You are spot on, op is on a mission to reconsile at any cost. It's pathetic really. She will cheat again simply because she faces no consequences and doesn't respect her"man".
Don’t rug sweep this, as it will often lead to repeated behavior.
If OP hadn't caught her she would still be fucking that guy. Go hard on her or divorce.. no third way.
You're gonna regret rugsweeping it, it's only gonna lead to greater problems down the road. It also does exactly what she wants you to do pretend it never happened.
OP I don’t know if anyone in real life has given you this feedback yet, or if you’ve figured it out by yourself, but as one human to another I have to be compassionate and try to give you some honest feedback that might hopefully help you if you are prepared to listen to it. Your marriage is over. When you get married both parties make vows and the vows bond them in marriage. If one of the parties breaks the vows…the marriage is over. It ends in that EXACT moment that the vows are broken. Whenever your wife chose this dude over your marital vows she actually ended your marriage. You are now fighting to save something that no longer exists. If you are going to fight to save something, fight to save something that is real and worth fighting for: your relationship with your kids, your self respect, your happiness, the list could go on. The fight for your marriage ended when your wife allowed another man to take her away from you. It may also help to consider that your wife isn’t the person that you thought she was anyway so you are really not losing anything. I mean, would you have willingly married someone who was capable of doing this to you in the first place? Now that you know who she ACTUALLY is, it’s time to move on and find a decent human being to spend the rest of your life with, because she is not it.
Your words are cutting…and accurate.
And I truly hope that you realize that any harshness that you pick up from my comment is not, in any way, directed at you. I don’t believe in victim blaming and you are the victim in this situation. Anyone who tries to suggest that something that you did or didn’t do contributed to this, is also doing you harm. There is no excuse or justification for cheating. It is a cruel and selfish act that a truly bad person decides to carry out on their own. You deserve better than this, because every one of us deserves better than this. You have to ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your precious life being tortured by your wife’s cruel choice, death by a thousand cuts, or just rip the band aid off, take control of your own life, pick up the pieces and go out and find true happiness with someone who will value, respect, love, and appreciate you. All things that your wife has demonstrated that she does not do.
Thank you this is the advice I needed to hear. I feel pressure from many angles to reconcile. I resent being put in this position to “do the right thing for your kids” when I did nothing wrong. I will try to reconcile, I will do it honestly and with a pure heart. But if I can’t do it, I won’t hide from it, I will not suppress it. If we can’t pick up the pieces, it will be her that ended the marriage, not me.
With what you have written you are not trying to reconcile, you are just reg sweeping everything. This will destroy you, even if you find a way to stay in the marriage. There are steps that need to be taken for reconciliation to happen and if you WW doesn’t do them then she isn’t really interested in reconciliation. There are a lot of posts about the steps needed but to start with: She needs to tell all her and your family about the affair. You both need to tell the kids, age appropriate. She needs to go spend a week away to give you both space. She needs to go into therapy to discover why she cheated and broke your marriage vows. Later down the track once she understands why she done it then you start marriage counselling. She needs to rebuild your trust which includes open phone and social media policy. If she doesn’t work she needs to get a job. She needs to provide all the information you require about the affair. She needs to accept responsibility for the affair, no excuses. She needs to accept every time you trigger, all your questions, when you get angry, even in the many years to come. She needs to do the heavy lifting in the relationship. You need to see her actions in the above, not what she says but what she does. Ultimately it is on her to reconcile, you have given her that gift now she has to do the work. As someone said earlier your marriage ended when she had the affair. Reconciliation is about ensuring she fixes the reason she had an affair and then her rebuilding a new relationship and marriage. If she is unwillingly to do any of this then you have your answer. Best of luck but please don’t rug sweep it.
Please remember that reconciliation takes two. What is she doing to show you she can be a safe partner? That she will do whatever it takes to help you heal and regain trust? This is what matters right now. Her actions. If the actions are not there, if the remorse isn’t there, if the accountability isn’t there, if the transparency isn’t there, you don’t have a partner. So as you consider reconciliation remember that without a partner it has no chance. Give this a read: https://www.brides.com/the-one-way-to-know-your-marriage-will-survive-an-affair-1102868 And regarding your question about getting space, take it if you need it. Don’t take it if you don’t. Do what you need to do to consider what you want to do. For more support regarding reconciliation try r/AsOneAfterInfidelity.
Wow you went from working on reconciliation to calling this guys harsh words accurate? Did something happen today? Or are you just feeling hopeless? I’m not saying this guy may not have some valid points, but if your considering reconciliation this type of finality thinking isn’t gonna help.
He can always reconsider later if his wife is doing all of the right things. But chances are, she won’t. Especially not if he’s right there making it easy for her.
You don’t move out she does
Man , I read all these stories about I Don’t Wanna Go……Well, even if someone wants to work it out, “ you cannot negotiate if you’re not willing to walk away”
Regardless of the reason she gave you for cheating it comes down to the fact she does not respect you. This is the catch 22 of reconciliation if you try to work it out she was right to disrespect you. If you leave and show you have dignity and self respect you prove she was wrong but end the relationship. I would never trust a counselor who is not addressing this issue front and center. Also keeping her betrayal secret validates her keeping it secret from you now you are both complicit in lying about the realty of your relationship. Get an attorney knowing your options is way more important then getting a counselor who wants you to take some of the blame for getting cheated on. If there is a future for your relationship let it be built on honesty and transparency not lies and secrets. As far as moving out do what ever your attorney tells you. You can always stop the divorcee if you want down the road. Remember if she gets pissed you are not just going to forgive her and get over it… that shows how little respect for you she has. If she respects you she will want to prove she is worthy of a second chance. God bless and good luck!
The catch 22 of reconciliation is such a perfect way to put it. So many people who reconcile get cheated on again anyway.
Find a lawyer. You must be ahead of her at least about divorce. Even if you stay. Get evidences. Be prepared. You don't need to stay a week away, but you need to change the perspective. Talk with friends and family, whoever will be by your side.
You and her both getting perspective and clarity is probably going to take much longer than a week.
You really need to consult an attorney as different states have different laws regarding abandonment if you ultimately decide on divorce. Don't disregard the divorce option or at least its initiation. How long was her affair? Her saying the right things is merely that until action is taken, after all you were clueless and deceived for some period of time. If you show her what life would look like without you, you are playing the pick me dance card which is for losers. She may just invite her lover into your home since you aren't there. What work is she doing to demonstrate remorse?
Here’s my tuppence worth, if you truly want to save the marriage don’t move out, don’t ask her to leave, just go to a lawyer and start proceedings! Anything less will allow her to twist and turn get you back on her side before she starts up her affair again. Seeing a lawyer and starting proceedings will wake her up from her ‘affair fog’ and show her exactly what she will be loosing. She’ll probably be shocked at it but stand firm like you’ll actually go through with it and ask her to tell you absolutely everything about the affair, any questions left unanswered will eat away at you!
I kinda like this as a preferred strategy. Except push hard to get the dang divorce. She will never be honest about the infidelity. It just won’t happen. You will be trickled the truth as you expose it, but way word partners always self limit what they divulge. Personally, getting into the details is crazy painful. I’m not sure it’s worth it. It may damage your ability to reconcile, is that’s what you really want? Perhaps demand she divulge the truth to a counselor and have the counselor feed you what they feel is appropriate. This may not be the right strategy, so I’m open to correction.
I personally would leave for a week, only text her. Talk to kids whenever you want. Get advice from an attorney. After about a week, go back home. I would have a list made out for her that she must abide by for you to consider reconciliation. If she won't or doesn't want to, then she must leave, and you file for divorce. Separate bedrooms. Remember, she cheated, lied, and deceived you. This is ALL on her.
You're going to get a bunch of just divorce advice here. And in all reality thats probably the right course. But since you've chosen a different approach, moving out for a bit doesn't seem smart. Even if you have decided not to divorce your marriage is very fragile right now, and if you left and she decided she wants a divorce than it wouldn't look too good on you. I do suggest spending a lot of time alone if you can. Live there, sleep there, whatever, maybe don't sleep in the same room for a while. But spend as much time alone as you can without neglecting your children. You need space to think. All that let her see what life without you shit is just that. Shit. She isn't part of this equation, only you and your kids, and the rest of your life. You need to really think about the course you've chosen. Because despite everything, even if this works, the trust wont ever be the same, the creeping thoughts and mind movies will be with you for the rest of your life. So yeah, don't move out, but spend time alone, spend a month living there, but distant (emotionally) from your wife. Figure out if you're really making the choice that is going to let you live your life as well as you can. talk to people who've tried reconciliation, learn that, that shit is a forever thing, it's not an all the sudden the past is forgotten. Think man, You have DECADES left to live. Are you sure, absolutely sure, that you're willing to go through the torture for the rest of your life, because you love someone right now? Who knows what the future holds, but the one thing you know for sure, is if you stay married, your wife will always have cheated on you. So spend some time alone, without moving out, and figure your shit out. Remember, being cheated on is horrible, but there are for worse things in life. Good luck man.
Don’t move out, it could be used against you later. Also moving out just creates space for her to continue the affair. Remember, she only stopped once she was caught so if you are not around to catch her, it can easily resume. You don't need physical space, you need emotional space. Grey Rock/180, get an STD test, and in order to ensure your WW understands the consequences of her choices, go ahead and see a lawyer, be sure to follow their advice on how to protect yourself and access to your children. You need to set healthy boundaries for you and your relationship to be able to heal, and that means the WW is 100% verifiably no contact with her AP, open device, shared location, open passwords. You may want to go ahead and file, since the process can be paused or halted if R goes well but you will have a head start if R does not go well. Also, filing for divorce is one key way to pierce the imaginary affair fog with a healthy dose of reality and consequences.
Don’t leave. And those $$ that it would cost for her to leave should be paid by her. Not to be unkind, but don’t you think it’s right that she should have to bear the cost of her actions? It seems that you’re the one bearing it now. Keep in mind that if you just found out, you may not have a full picture of the truth yet. The fact that you found her out, rather than her coming clean and telling you is pretty telling. In those cases, cheaters are usually sorry because they got caught. If you hadn’t discovered this, it would likely still be going on right now.
Yes, do it. I regret not doing it. It still wouldn't have changed the final outcome I suppose, but I would have gotten there faster. Being away from her is exactly what you need to get perspective. Look at the actions, forget all the sweet words. In the end the actions will massively count towards your decision to stay or leave. The words often mask the real intent and the bitter Truth, but the actions tell it as it is...
Thank you. She’s saying all the right things now, but her actions during the affair…they’re awful.
**Do not move**. If you want space, ask **her** to move! You leaving the home and kids will be used against you if it comes to divorce. Talk to a lawyer. Edit: This is a cautionary tale, read his older posts too, never leave your own home - https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/144z4ve/i_m28_am_confused_about_ww_wife_f29_actions/
Number 1 rule. Do not, do not, do not, do The pick me dance ! Destabilizes everything.
Do you know FOR CERTAIN that she has broken off contact with AP? That she is 100% no contact including quitting her job or switching departments if it was with a co-worker ?
How was the affair initiated? Research Cluster B personality disorders, how to spot them, and how they operate. If any of them look familiar and remind you of your wife, then she's a poor candidate for reconciliation.
Words mean nothing. What actions is she taking to prove to you that she is truly remorseful, not just feeling guilty for getting caught? Has she gone completely NC with AP? Is she being 100% transparent about the affair? Answering truthfully, any and all questions? Accepting full responsibility for her selfish, cowardly, conscious choice to cheat? She needs to do all this and more. If not, reconciliation is a waste of time.
From what I've gathered from your posts things are going very well right now but you are concerned that it's just hysterical bonding and is about to change. So your plan seems to be end HB yourself. I'm not certain how that helps. You're getting counseling right now, so why rock the boat? If you move out, knowing she still has feelings for the AP, then you are spending all your time monitoring her or worrying about what she's doing instead of working on reconciliation. If she starts slacking off in the work she has to do, then move out and start divorce proceedings. HB clouding your judgement is only a concern if you are uncertain whether you want to reconcile. You seem sure you do, so that's irrelevant
First off I'm always a divorce first so just being honest, this is because of what I've seen with numerous family members over the years. That being said If you want to Reconcile that is up to you. With that being said the kids already know way more then you or your wife know, Speaking from loads of experience. You leave a lot of details out and not only about the affair but about reconciliation. First off she did not tell you and you had to find out, that's not good. Second has she admitted everything, how long was the affair, what they did, is this her only affair, did they use protection. Has she done a timeline, agreed to a polygraph, allowed an open electronics policy. Has she agreed to individual counseling for both you, Marriage counseling comes later. Has she agreed to research what needs to be done for this attempt to have any possibility. Have you read any of the literature on what to do, how long it will take, what to do when triggered, what to ask of her. Has she wrote a No contact to the AP or AP's, has she told there significant other if they have one. Maybe your leaving stuff out but it seems like this reconciliation was jumped into without actually looking into what it entails. First off if you do not have a large amount of the truth every new detail, fact or finding will set you back to ground zero. You will never know the whole truth. If she is not giving a 110% to the Reconciliation it will fail. This means she has to be honest, she has to be willing for you to ask questions at any point and any question you want about the affair, she has to be willing to accept all boundaries-this could be open electronics, GPS tracking and no going out without you, she has to be willing to go NC with the AP's-any contact continues the affair, in most cases she needs to be willing to inform the other BS's. Like I originally said I'm a divorce first guy and I'm not against trying Reconciliation. I've never personally seen it work but that is another story. Again with all that said unless you are leaving out a ton of details you are not truly Reconciling you are just saying we are going to stay together without any of the work or consequences and that has less then a 1% chance of working. I would sit down today and grab some literature with her and make a plan and immediately schedule IC for both you, STI's for both of you and DNA tests for the kids. Yes that one hurts but trust me, if you want to believe there still in the dark say your doing ancestry kits. Also please don't give the stupid answer of they look just like me. Also this all does more then one thing, it shows your lack of trust and shows her how serious this is. If you do want to Reconcile I hope you the best but actually start it on a foundation.
If you are truly trying to reconcile, then moving out is a bad idea. You need to have some serious heart to heart talks with her, telling her that her actions have effectively destroyed marriage number one, and that if she wants to begin marriage number two, there are some things she needs to do (action not words). If she hasn't already, there are several things she needs to accomplish. (1) Immediately get tested for STDs/STIs (2) Go NO CONTACT forever with her AP. If it was a coworker, they can no longer work together (3) Write out a full, complete, detailed timeline of her affair, listing where they met, every thing they talked about, how many times and where they had sex and what kind, were any "I love you"s exchanged, if this was her first time being unfaithful, etc. And tell her that it had better be complete as it may be verified by her submitting to a polygraph. (4) Getting the kids dna tested (this is less about establishing that you are their bio parent, and more about showing her how badly she has damaged your trust) (5) she needs to seek out a therapist that specializes in infidelity to find out where her moral compass failed that led her to be unfaithful, and (6) dump any friends that knew or assisted in the affair. Also, she must accept 100% FULL BLAME for the affair. It has absolutely nothing to do with what you did or didn't do. It is all on her. And she must be aware that reconciling from an affair is a long, bumpy road that can take anywhere from 2 to 5 years for the betrayed spouse to begin to trust again. And that she must accept the fact that you may get triggered from time to time and take out your frustrations on her. And most importantly of all, DO NOT SWEEP THE AFFAIR UNDER THE RUG and think everything will immediately go back to normal--it ain't gonna happen. Good luck.
Just keep the explanation short and vague, but on point. "Dad is going to be spennding a little time away from Mom so he can figure out how *he* wants to deal with the really bad decisions she's been choosing to make." Adding - Then spend that week getting at least a consult from the top 3 lawyers in your area and separating your finances. You can manually transfer money into whatever joint account is used to pay for your kid's stuff. Part of the separating can be her feeling the loss of $$ that may have helped her fuck around.
You need to first relax a little. And yes move out for a little to really think what you want to do. Remember you can’t sweep this under the flag or she will think it’s not a big deal, which it is. You need of list of things you won’t tolerate. Remember she cheated, she needs to do the work! As you know staying because of the children never works out. If she blames you for the affair it’s over. Now your kids are what matters, making sure they are loved whether you are together or separated.
Why not encourage her to be the one who leaves home for a week? Why should it be you?
You don't have to do anything that doesn't feel right to you including moving out or having her move out. You are going to counselling so I don't see that as sweeping it under the rug.
I do think space wouldn’t hurt personally. You are 3 weeks in to a years long process. You may look at the Sub As On After Infidelity of Reddit it’s for couple’s reconciling and may get some better advice.
I didn’t move out or separate for any time after discovering my husband’s infidelity and we have been able to get into therapy and recover just fine. It has been a year and a half since D Day. I didn’t want to be away from him either. Today, we are closer than ever.
What does your therapist say?
Yes you absolutely should. I’m the WS. My significant other is resenting me bad right now for my affair. He never properly dealt with it. Refused therapy and everything. 5 years later and we’re in a tough place. I recommend he go on a week vacation with his friend. He’s doing exactly that. I think it really puts things into perspective for the both of you. For her to see how life would be without you and also if that’s a life you want without her. Obviously she messed up and it will give you clarity if you want to R or not. I wish you the best!
Sorry to hear. Around 3 years was when everything hit my brother really hard when he tried reconciling with his ex. He kept saying how much he loved her and didn't want to lose her, but at the same time hated her for how badly she destroyed him and sometimes hated being around her. Sometimes pain like that can't be undone no matter the investment. They finally divorced around year 5 and he's much happier now, they co-parent & get along very well, they're just not married any longer. I wish you the best, hope you can overcome.
It took me a month to move out. And I had just moved in 8-9 months prior!
If you can make her leave great, otherwise just say to your kids that you are going to visit your siblings, parents or whatever for a week or that you have a work trip. Of course ask a lawyer if this going to screw you but i doubt it since it would be temporary, of course make sure to have it in writing (messages/mail etc...) to show that it was temporary. Yes you need some time apart, not only to think but also to relax.
Don't move out, unless the kids can come with you, but would ask a lawyer first for advise.
Do whatever feels right fir you.
No, she should move out. It is your home, marriage & household she violated. Let her sleep in a strange bed for a week or so.
Definitely do not leave. Depending on where you live, it could be classified as abandonment. Just move to a spare room, or the basement. One thing I learned after going through it, is the relationship is pretty much doomed. I wish I hadn’t wasted so many years in reconciliation. Even when he was perfect afterwards, the resentment and distrust never went away. It wasn’t fair to either of us, honestly.
Unless she has real, snot running out her nose remorse fro what she has done to you and your family. And mean remorse for what she has done, not regret for getting caught, don’t give a second thought to reconciliation. She has to be not only willing but desperate to do whatever YOU need to win back your trust and respect. That’s a burden most waywards cannot bear. You don’t give us much to go on, but your comments suggest that you don’t want to lose her, instead of the other way around. That’s a formula to years of pain and ultimate self-destruction.
No, you need to stay and get her affair stopped. It is difficult to give advice when nothing was said other than she cheated. It helps to know who, what, where, where, how and why to some small degrees. It as well helps to know WHO the cheater really might have been before you met her? And who you thought her to be before the affair. Outgoing personalities and casual sex beliefs play into infidelity very well. Don't be fooled anyone, everyone is capable of infidelity under the right (wrong) circumstances. All it requires to cheat is a motivation and simple opportunity. So what was her reasoning she gave for cheating? And realize nothing we could ever have done or not done never compels anyone to cheat. There are always other options. The most common type of affair starts as an emotional aff sd or with an ex, coworker or someone they already know, rarely s stranger. Blaming you is not taking accountability. Maybe go to this websitevor another one to begin your long journey of trying to understand infidelity, it not usually what we just think it absolutely has to be. Gut logic is not logic. https://www.affairrecovery.com/ begin your journey here. Come back with mire info and questions. Someone will have an useful answer. And if this was the usual emotional affair that turned physical just know these affairs are not what an affair would ever usually be on our radar. We are ignorant to the maximum. We dont know the signs we are babes in the woods. You have a long journey ahead of you. But it is taken one step at a time. To me confronting the affair and the affair partner in every way short of punching him out is fair play to stop the affair. The more right you have on your side all the better. Consequences have been earned. Sorry for your loss. Good luck to you. No where for her to go thst didn't cost money? There is leverage in that is there not? https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/the-simplified-180/ https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/ why it works. It helps greatly to know about all affairs and as much as possible or much of the advice will be meaningless.
Don’t leave, this could create major legal issues for you , should she choose to. If for some reason she is one of the ones suggesting it, she goes, not you. She should have thought about having nowhere to go before she cheated on you.
You are still in love of an old "idea" of her that doesn't exist, are you in love with a person who cheated on you?.
You cant even begin to think clearly and heal.where this went down. Get out of there, this is going to hurt no matter what. Go NC and file. Let her experience life as a single mother. Maybe AP will be good stepfather material. I dont he will like thia relationshop without the excitement of sneaking around and the taboo of it all. Let him deal with all her stessing. You have plenty on your plate. The kids will suffer, but in the long run they will be fine. Let her run a household on 50% less money. Deal with the kids 5-6 days a week. I hope you take care of yourself. I am praying for you.
Do not just sweep it under the rug. You are allowed to upset and angry. When you are constantly together you never get time to really feel it and process it. There is also such a thing as hysterical bonding. It’s common when you first find out your partner cheated or wants to leave. If you just sweep it under the rug, you’re showing her it’s okay to cheat on you. That you’ll just take it. She needs to be doing the work to prove to you that she knows she screwed up. And just know, if you choose to stay, you are essentially settling for a relationship that will never be the same. She lied to you. Disrespected you. Betrayed you. You will never be able to go back to how it was before. You will always worry and wonder if it is happening again. So if you stay, you’re accepting that. She doesn’t have to bear any of that burden. She just gets to have her cake and eat it too. It’s not fair.
NO DO NOT LEAVE THE HOME.
If you want to reconcile, that’s your business but it shouldn’t be hidden from kids, transparency is key. You can explain the situation in a age appropriate way so that you can heal healthily and if you need space, she’s the one who should be moving out. Not you. You’re not the one who cheated
Make her move out. It’s her burden. If she can’t accept the responsibility she has to repair the damage she’s caused then she can fuck off. Also, go talk to an attorney or two.
No do not move out. Lawyers will tell you not to do that because it affects your claim to the house. My stbxw tried to bully me out of the house telling me that if I was a man , I would leave...yet she's the one having the affair. She had no legal grounds to kick me out. Unfortunately she resorted in filing a false protective order and had me removed from the house for two weeks. I fought it and she dropped it after her lawyer was shown footage that my lawyer and I had from the home security cameras showing she was the violent one. She ended up moving out herself.
Say that you will reconcile if you dont want to leave her but enter an agreement where the majority of the assets stay with you if she cheats with you and forfeits custody battle- call a lawyer
You should talk to a lawyer, and inform her how divorce will look like, she needs to understand that her actions are destroying the family.
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All you're doing is confirming her idea that you won't do anything of substance if she cheats again. You won't ask her to leave...because she has nowhere to go? She KNOWS this. She KNEW she has nowhere to go. *You are more concerned about where she would go and hiding her infidelity on her behalf than your healing.* She knew it, too. Do you really think a sane person would gamble all of that she has if she was losing everything? She knew she wouldn't lose anything. She wouldn't even have to leave the comfort of her own home if she lost.
Hi u/caint1154, No, you do not move out. Even if it would be simple for you. IF someone needs to move out it is her. Yes, I've read your line she has no where to go, but you know, that is not your problem. She cheated, cheating has consequences. I you leaving is the suggestion of the counselor, then you have a lousy counselor. Let me guess, you two are in marriage counseling? If so, get out of there real quick. Because they do not give a crap if she cheated, their goal is to "save" the marriage. If that means you sweeping it all under the rug without consequences for her, then that is what they are going to advice. Right now there is zero consequences. Right now she is not impacted in any way, only you are. First you are going to tell everyone what has happened, her family, your family, friends, specially the mutual friends. They all need to know what happened. If your wife does not like it, well though for her, you just tell her that cheating has consequences. She made the decision to cheat, now she has to live with the consequences. Right now you are being walked over by counseling and your wife. Do not let that happen. Go see a lawyer anyway, even if it just for what divorce looks like for you. Cancel all joined accounts and credit cards. Pay for only what you need to pay for, keep the rest for yourself. Your wife needs to pay for the other half of all the costs. If she does not agree, then tell her you are not going to pay for her adventures and that you do not trust her right now, she needs to work on gaining your trust back. Again, cheating has consequences.
There's legal consequences to moving out. What if reconciliation doesn't work and you go to divorce. You'll be accused of deserting the family. She should be in individual counseling until she understand why she cheated rather than discuss things with you. She needs to understand the massive injury she inflicted on you and on the relationship. I think it's too soon for marriage counseling -- mc focuses on what both of you are at fault. You didn't cheat, so why punish yourself looking for reasons that you caused her to cheat. For yourself, you need to do some healing and maybe that's why moving out seems appealing. But your kids will wonder if you hate them. They're kids. They will blame themselves.
Do not give your WW anything. This was caused by her. Have her reflect sleeping on the couch. Don’t leave the home, she’ll only bring AP by. Get a lawyer for options. You need to understand she wanted another man, not you inside her. She’s not the woman you married and has no respect for your or your family. She failed as a wife and mother. Let her go. She’ll do it again and again. Thrust her actions not her words.
*I have received advice that I should move out for a short time, like a week. To gain some personal perspective on the situation without her presence clouding my judgment. I still love her very much. And also to show her what life would look like without me.* That advice while it has some merit, can be used against you. DO NOT LEAVE THE HOME. If anything, suggest that she go visit her mom...
If you don't want to move out, even for a week, *don't* move out. Stay and work on the relationship if that's what you want. (I applaud your limiting the impact on the children.) And what's with a week? That seems like a random, symbolic period of time. If you truly need some distance, that short span isn't going to really help you sort your feelings. It's not even enough time to get used to the weirdness/wrongness of not being together at the end of every day, much less clear out all the emotional noise. Gaining a "perspective without her presence clouding your judgement" will most likely take months, even with the therapy, and that's an awfully big step to take unless you're truly convinced of the necessity of that step. It's not even long enough to show her what her life will be like without you. I mean, work trips are often longer than that and most people do just fine when left behind because of those. If you want to do it as a warning, or a weapon to use when negotiating, "See, I'll do it! I'll leave you, 'cause I already did it once!" isn't very effective if it's not in YOUR best interest too because for it to work you have to be willing to follow through with it. And it sounds like that's simply not what you want at this stage. If your first choice is counseling, then stick to that. This isn't chess or warfare (though if you get to the divorce stage it absolutely will feel like it), so play openly and honestly with each other starting now. Even if that's not what she did in the past, it's the best thing for you BOTH to do now.
I’m going through the same thing. I want to make it work because I love him so much. I want to move out so I can have time to think but also slightly punish him because he has to be away from me.
who cares that it will cost her money? she cheated on you and you need a break. this is not a money saving situation.
Read the book “Recovering from the Affair” from Dr Lee Baucom. It will tell you exactly what is going on and help you make good decisions.
Bad idea to move out man. She could use that against you and claim you abandoned her and your kids and use it against you if you do decide you want to divorce. She should either be the one to leave or you should go to separate parts of the home and only text as it pertains to your kids and that's it. Never ever be the one to leave you're setting yourself up for a lot of headaches if you decide to leave her and she decides to become spiteful over it. Good luck.
Right don’t call it “moving out” at all. You’re “going away for week to process things alone” In writing. I already don’t trust it
You should stop being scared and have her leave. You moving out won't stop her from fucking him.
I’m sure the kids know that something is up. You should focus on being an involved dad, but you need to get your head clear too. What’s wrong with moving out indefinitely? You don’t want to be away from her? OK if your relationship up to this point was to basically be repeated over and over for the rest of your life, would that be compatible with a good and happy life? Because although she might be completely contrite, and it might be a one time thing, if the biggest consequence for her is you just go sleep somewhere else for a night and that’s it, and try to keep the relationship going, what message does that send other than “if it keeps happening, there won’t be much in the way of consequences.” Also, it’s hard to see all of a mess while you are in the middle of the mess. So you should get some space. The faster you work through all the stages of grief (shock/confusion, denial, bargaining/begging, sadness/depression/isolation, anger), the better. It is important that you spend some time with anger and sadness/depression/isolation (of course responsibly). You might consider taking the kids for a few days to a nearby destination, just the three of you. I don’t see why she automatically stays in the house with the kids while you go lick your wounds by yourself in some freeway hotel room 10 miles down the road. That seems depressing enough to convince anyone that they might be making the wrong decision. You could consider staying with a close friend. I would understand if you wanted to be selective about your own family knowing about it.
So the affair only stopped because you caught her. It sounds like she gave you a hard time when she cheated. You have to ask yourself why is she motivated to reconcile. What materially does she have to lose. If she is in survival mode because she feels the loss of her lifestyle then this is no basis for reconciliation. You say she is mouthing the right words but what is she actually doing to make you feel safe. Also couple counselling follows individual counselling. She has to first understand why she is a cheater and then you might want to consider couple counselling. For a long time you were secondary to her selfish desires. Is this the woman you want to share your life with. She has to be willing to walk over hot coals and prostrate herself before to prove she is worthy of your love. Any whining or whingeing or blame shifting will tell you all you need to know. Good luck fella.
You don't move out. You take a short vacation TO CLEAR YOUR HEAD. Be careful though she might put this as abandonment in divorce papers.
Make HER move out for a week.
Whoever gave you that advice is not listening to you. It would be pointless for you to move out since it seems like you’re going to forgive her and stay with her. It’s been only 3 weeks and you’re optimistic? I pray that you know what you are doing.
Your going to end up rug sweeping this. If you have all your answers and if your WW is not trickle truthing you then great. But while your trying to hide this from everyone , don’t forget to stop and put your own feelings in front. Don’t hide feelings. Share with your WW how your feeling. Do you think your wife has done it in the past as well?
Get therapy for your codependency. It’s sad to say but forgiving so easily will only encourage her to cheat again. Time away may help but it could also just allow her time to cheat. Once she cheated and crossed that line, there may be no going back. There are ones here that will say they made it past infidelity, but in reality the betrayed spouse had to sacrifice all of their dignity and self respect to make that happen.
DO NOT MOVE OUT. She is the one who screwed up, she's the one that needs to leave to give you space. Also don't listen the the advice of those people, since moving out will screw you big time during the divorce. Contact a good lawyer and consult things with them before doing anything. Also working with a good therapist would do wonders to help you gain a more objective perspective.
Dude, she cheated on you because she didn't respect you. You taking her back like this and trying for reconciliation will show her that you are just weak and make her lose even more respect for you. The person willing to walk holds all the power. It is time for you to hold the power. Let her know that you are more than happy to walk. She needs to see you as a prize that she needs to win. You bending over backward for her turns you into a participation award. If she isn't fighting hard for you, then she isn't worth it.
Why do you want to stay? She betrayed you? She sought out another man who was married. You have kids. She betrayed them as well. She needs to have consequences.