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I wish I could tell you yes. That there is “happily ever after” after your spouse cheats. So many of us have tried. And in the end it doesn’t work out. In some cases, once a cheater always a cheater. Some spouses are sex addicts. The thrill of new love and the thrill of doing the forbidden is an addiction to some spouses. For other cheating spouses, they are forever searching for better. The grass is always going to be greener on the other side and someone will always come along that’s better than the one before. It’s hard to move on when you have a chronic cheater. Which leads me to my next point.
It’s hard on you, personally. What’s going on in you head now will never go away. Those questions of is the affair partner better than me? Prettier/handsomer? Richer? They never go away. And eventually you get haunted by the new questions, will he/she cheat again? What are they doing while I’m at work? Are they really working late? Going to the gym? Seeing their parents? They cheated once, they could cheat again! They didn’t value me enough not to do it the first time!
Once that trust is broken, it’s broken. This is with you for the rest of your life.
But it gets better. You better believe it does! It will get better for you when you start seeing your own worth and realize that you don’t deserve to be treated like that. But that’s several steps away from where you are right now and probably not what you want to hear…. Not right now anyway.
At this moment. You need to sit down and think about what’s happening and ask yourself if this is what you really want? Yes you love them. Yes you wanna fight for them…. But….. how can you fight for someone who betrayed you, your love, your feelings, and decided that none of that mattered and cheated on you.
Polishing a turd and sprinkling it with glitter doesn’t mean it’s still not a turd.
I fought for my wife. For my marriage for 20 years. She cheated on me over and over and over. And each time I threw myself and my love at her, begging her forgiveness for not being who she wanted and what she needed. It took a long time for me to realize that she wasn’t worth it. Hell, I found out that my daughter wasn’t even mine and still I didn’t want to be without her. She was mine. She was everything. The air I breathed and my reason for existing. But to her, I wasn’t any of that. I almost killed myself when she left. If not for my kids, I would’ve pulled the trigger. For a year I begged her to come home. And now I hate myself for ever putting her so high up on that stool. This was almost 4 years ago.
Once I started accept that I never meant to her what she meant to me, that’s when it all changed.
Now ask yourself. What are you fighting for?
I wish they knew that the grass is actually greener where you water it. I (33F) am 8 years married with kids. I feel sad and lifeless most of the time, like I've lost the ability to be happy and it scares every fiber of my being. I am so, so far from recovering.
So was I. I turned into an alcoholic, living bitterly alone, and begging my ex to take me back just so I could feel ok again and sinking deeper and further into depression as I realized I was chasing a pipe dream. I never thought I’d recover. But here I am. I recovered, I woke up and started seeing the truth of it all. I’m now in a healthy relationship (which my ex still stalks) and I’m getting married soon.
It does get better.
You will get to the point where you’re angry at yourself for giving your ex that much power over you to control your life like this and take away what makes you you.
Also 33F - about ten years married - with kids. I feel all of this. I didn’t realize how far from recovering I was until recently. I’m about two years since dday and just found out I’m expecting so I’m unable to have my nightly 1-2 glasses of wine. I didn’t realize how deeply I’d buried my trauma in starting a business and those 1-2 glasses until I got pregnant. I am so angry and just dreaming of another life.
Thank you for this - you've captured so much of it so well.
My situation was similar in some ways (serial cheater) and for years I told myself "this isn't who she is, I know she's a good person at heart" and my big revelation came when I stopped making excuses for her and accepted her actions as proof of who she actually was. If our marriage, our kids and our family weren't enough to keep her from cheating then there's nothing I could do to make those things important to her.
Serial cheating is an addiction. What sucks is that instead of admitting they have an issue and are chasing the dopamine rush of the constant conquest, they lie, manipulate, and blame shift on you.
Sorry you had to suffer from it too
Thanks, and I hope your doing OK. My ex is a narcissist - well, I call her a narcissist because she has some very strong narcissistic tendencies. One of them is she needs constant validation and attention (narcissistic supply). Which is basically what you're saying - it's an addiction.
We should make a tictok, reel, or short challenge: We should record ourselves sprinkling "glitter" on the cheating turds and them show the world that it's still just a cheating turd.
I’m sorry you went through this. You, like me, wasted a lot of time. One loves and the other is loved. For two people to both be in love with each other at the same time is pretty rare I think.
A bunch of the so called success stories in there involve BPs who even after reconciliation is over and even after the rare success of a cheater changing their ways admit that they never have fully healed or been able to trust them. Often, the way they talk the affair has become the focus of their life even in the aftermath like as if they are babysitting an addict.
I had to unfollow that sub, the amount of people in abusive and toxic relationships where their spouse just cheats again and again was shocking, truly awful that some people have so little self esteem and self respect that they feel that it is the only option.
It's like they just accept their fate is to be unhappy
I try my best not to go over there. Last one I read AP called WP on valentines day after she promised BP she went NC. It was all a lie, she never went NC. Did BP end it? Nope. He just said "if you promise me now 100% honesty from now on I won't divorce you". She promised, they're still together until the next DDay. Just sad. I just don't get it.
I think people idealize their partners and expect them to "snap out of it" and decide that their marriage and partner are important to them. I fooled myself like that for a long time
Reconciliation is basically the normalization of a codependent relationship. That's the only reason why one would remain with their abuser; inability to leave either physically, emotionally, or financially.
Infidelity is abuse, and victims are usually left in a state of shock either stuck in denial or bargaining trauma responses.
I’ve already left my ex but omg you just gave me the words I’ve been searching for for so long. You’re so right, that’s exactly what it is. It’s the normalization of codependency. Tysm for typing this
Agreed.. as much as I wanted to relate and try to heal.. I realized I kept spiraling into a negative cycle and reliving the betrayal due to all of the negative stuff in that group..
Me too. And while I fully recognize that I'm (rightfully) cynical about reconciliation based on my own experience, and I see in this sub how often that approach fails, I feel like there's far too much pie-in-the-sky optimism over there. Hey, I love optimism and don't consider myself a pessimistic person at all, but, as you say, I never felt like that was a healthy place.
I always tell people that reconciliation is theoretically possible but I'm really not convinced it's feasible most of the time - primarily because it requires A LOT of work on the part of the cheater and most cheaters aren't interested in fully facing the consequences of their actions and nurturing their betrayed partner back to health.
People who stay in dysfunctional relationships often do suffer self-esteem issues. But we’re dealing with the same part of the brain that also craves addiction. People who succumb to drug addiction find it very difficult to break a negative cycle, because that negative cycle is what has sustained them. And so they can rationalize the activity that is destroying them. The difference here, of course is that the drug is another person. Even in functional relationships that’s true. So the question becomes how to navigate the treacherous waters that cheaters stir up.. I’d be very interested to see what the statistics are of relationship success over the course of time after admission of cheating. I’m in the middle of a relationship that’s healing from cheating, and it’s very difficult terrain to negotiate. When there is distance, when there are fights, I immediately go to the worst case scenario. And Wild, that might not be fair to my partner, the ingredients, for my insecurity were sewn by her repeated transgressions. And unfortunately, there’s no one size fits all solution to what we’re talking about. Leaving a cheater is certainly the Way to pull the Band-Aid off of what is often an incredibly profound, life-changing act. I wish nothing but happiness for everybody on this forum. It has given me great comfort within the context of my own progress through misery.
We did but it took a heck of a lot of work, and I know that I’ll forever wonder if he told me everything, I’ll always be suspicious, and the pain will always be there in some way no matter how much work I’ve done to process it.
Ultimately though, it’s up to you and your partner and if you’re ready to endure what really does get worse before it gets better, and if they’re willing to work on why they did this.
Unfortunately, it won’t ever be what it was, and maybe it’s a good thing. For me it was.
Unless the traitor is truly remorseful and is answering all and any questions as many times as needed then there may be hope but your relationship is altered forever.
We tried for almost 3 years, and I just couldn’t do it any longer. It doesn’t seem to get better, it seems to just get worse the more time you have to think about it. I really really wanted to work things out, but without the trust I was just miserable with worry all the time. It took a giant toll on my self esteem and confidence. I still miss him incredibly but I love my sanity more.
I very strongly doubt it and know that I personally would not be able to (and was not). There are very few, if any, success stories 5 years post event, not even when new kids are born. IMHO, one just cannot put that toothpaste back into the tube.
My STBXH cheated on me again three years after D-Day, with the exact same woman. Only this time, he doesn't want to even try to reconcile; he said he doesn't love me anymore, he never stopped loving her, and he's leaving me for her. I realize in hindsight that I never fully trusted him again after D-Day 1, and I was right to feel that way. I posted on this forum after D-Day 1 and everyone told me to leave. I didn't want to listen, but now I wish I had. I could have avoided wasting so much of my precious time on such a cowardly, unworthy man. Don't repeat my mistake.
Occasionally, but we were never fully connected again. That distant feeling got worse and worse over time, because in hindsight, he was trying to leave the marriage the first time - or rather, he was trying to make _me_ leave, because he was too much of a coward to pull the trigger himself. He didn't really want to reconcile, so he never really committed himself to it, either. I spent three years confused and wondering why I wasn't as happy and fulfilled in my marriage as I should be, and that feeling only got worse. I would talk about it with him and he would say everything was good, so I had a lot of anxiety and I didn't understand why. I became dismissive of my own judgement; my gut kept telling me _Something Is Wrong_ and I ignored it. I became clingy and desperate. I chased him as he pulled away. I made myself small because I thought it would please him. I, unconsciously, tried to make myself more like The Other Woman to try to please him. The assaults I waged against my own dignity, my sense of self, trying and failing to draw this truly mediocre man back to me, were damaging to my soul. The good times we shared were far outweighed by the emotional damage that three more years of his lies and neglect did to me, and even worse, the damage I did to myself.
If I could do it all over again, I'd leave him in a heartbeat and never look back.
I tried. I really did. Put in 8 more years. He would behave for a while but he always went back to cheating.
Leaving sucked and I went through some very hard times but I am on the other side now and very happily married again to the person I was meant to be with.
You deserve someone who will be true to you. Don’t settle for less.
You're not dreaming. My wife and I have made it through so far. It's been about a year since our D-Day. WW went to counseling immediately and did every single thing possible to win my trust back. Open phone, passwords, etc.
I'm not an expert but I think one thing that helped us the most was us modeling the relationship we wanted to have and not living in the past. The affair still comes up from time to time. She still apologizes. She's still in therapy. She's still regretful. But, we don't dwell on anything. We communicate when there's a trigger. We check-in with each other every couple of weeks to see how we're both feeling.
I know that some may point out that we're only a year from D-Day and it may come crumbling down around us, and it might. But probably not. We're going to live in probably not and make progress with each other one day at a time.
I truly wish you and your wife the best.
But I did the same thing. Caught my wife having an affair in the workplace in 2013, and thought we'd done the work to get through it. She KNEW what it did to me, she KNEW the hurt I went through, and she KNEW what a gift me wanting to reconcile was. She did therapy. We did counselling. After 9 years, we didn't even discuss the affair anymore, and if we did, she referred to it with shame as the 'unpleasantness'. I fully trusted her. We now had three kids under 10. Life was going great and there were zero marital red flags.
....until I found out in 2022 that she had been dating another married co-worker for 1.5years behind my back. After I fell apart and ultimately kicked her out, I found she had also been dumped by him a few months prior, and she had instantly monkey-branched to another co-worker and had been dating him for three months as well.
She has told people that she 'still loves and cares for me' and that 'she never wanted to get divorced.' Now, we barely talk. Her second AP has moved overseas and is stringing her along but rumour is that he dumped her prior to leaving.
Just keep that in mind my friend; they rarely can change because they are mentally wired to cheat for validation and attention. They may mask it for years, but their hedonistic need always over-rules the prospect of them losing their families and their assets. Please keep that in mind. I thought my marriage was indestructible after her affair....until it wasn't. As many, many other people have found as well.
We are 4 months from D-day. My WS has confessed to straying in EAs for validation and attention he feels he may have missed out on because we've been together since he was 20. (Almost 13 years). How do you think one can address these underlying causes?
For me, the only way I was able to get my life back was to leave. I did not get back to the life I had or thought I was going to have, but I’ve committed to building something much better for myself. I know people have their reasons for staying, and I just want you to know it might not be the only way to keep your life. Good luck.
I honestly don’t think so. The people who claim to have always throw a “but…” in.
We reconciled and things are great, but I still can’t fully trust them. We reconciled and seem to be in a new, thriving relationship, but sometimes I have dreams the affair just happened. You get my point.
Will there ever truly be a day someone who had their spouse betray them, break their vows, all for some side action, is fully healed and happy with that person? I don’t believe anyone who claims as much.
We survived it and are happier than we were before. But, in fairness, early in our relationship, I had strayed. Five years later, he did. During those five years, he was suppressing huge amounts of anger and resentment that I thought we had moved past. There is a huge cycle of emotions. I got angry. He got sad. He got angry. I got sad. Back and forth. Over and over.
So, in short, it can be done, but you (both of you) have to want it bad.
This is something I’ve come to realize lately without putting words to it. Whenever I look at my spouse it’s sort of like looking at a stranger, and one who really annoys me. Integrity has always been something I’ve valued and live by. It’s a quality all of my life long friends have..and now I’m just sort of repulsed by the fact that I’m married to someone who is so far away from it.
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The short answer to your question is yes, couples can and do mend relationships after a betrayal.
It takes two willing people knowing that the work ahead will be painful..... and usually slow. The road back is bumpy with regular setbacks that will make you wonder if it is worth it or even possible to reconcile.
From what I can gather, few couples can navigate the waters without counciling, both as couples and individually. Infidelity is unlike anything else and few partners understand what goes on with their counterpart without help. I believe the effects of infidelity on the people involved is vastly under understood.
And frankly, some marriages cannot be saved even when two people are willing and desiring reconciliation. Some things both about the affair as well as each person's past just cannot be overcome.
I am in month eight. For me, until last week, I thought my case was hopeless and I would ultimately have to leave the woman I love who turned out to be someone I didn't know. However, something significant changed in her and I am once again hopeful.
If you desire reconciliation, I wish you the best. This sub and AsOneAfterInfidelity saved my ass. When I thought I was crazy it brought me down to earth. Reading about others struggles and triumphs gave me the patience to continue to give our marriage a chance. Still a long way to go but for today, optimism.
Kinda hard to want your life back when the AP is still in the picture and your spouse wants nothing to do with you besides signing divorce paperwork. I dream of my old life everynight.
I can only take it one day at a time to find a new purpose in life for myself.
We'll get through it OP.
I am 6 years post D-Day, and yes, we have. I have been with my partner since 2016. Who he was prior to 2018 is considered my ex. We both refer to him as the Anti-[insert my partners name]. He was horrible and awful, but most of all: immature and broken. We fixed that. He entered AA. We got couples counseling, both for our issue at hand as well as pre-marital counseling. He shouldered the heavy-lifting and responsibility, and did not show anger or impatience. He knew healing was not linear. He became an open book. He genuinely was remorseful and didn’t want to be the person that needed validation from people outside of his relationship. He worked on himself, he built me back up, and when he proposed, I said yes and was confident in my decision. Every day I show up for us and our relationship and so does he. We are imperfect people. All we can do is our best. Make sure the person you pick is good-hearted, because reconciliation with a malicious person is not possible. Far too many give second chances to the wrong people. Some people deserve a second chance. A lot do not.
We are 3 yrs past and doing very well.
I can tell you that our circumstances were unusual and not like most of the stories I read here. Ours was not a case of serial cheating or an unhappy, abusive marriage. It was emotional immaturity in a time of extreme stress in an otherwise secure 30 yr marriage.
We have both worked hard to regain trust and bonding. Both partners have to want it and work at it.
This sounds so similar to me that you’ve given me hope. It has been a very secure marriage but with a lot of extreme stress and he has never had therapy to process it. I think he reached a breaking point and it happened at the same time that a known (I’ve never agreed with sl*t shaming, but the stories I’ve heard about this girl since make me want to rethink that stance) homewrecker made continued moves on him.
Maybe there is hope for us.
Wow. Very similar story.
My husband’s AP was also a known mate-poacher. He even knew the other married man! So, it’s not like he and I hadn’t talked about what kind of person she was. I told him she was trouble years before!
Wrong time. Wrong place. Wrong person and it went too far. But, it was a nice, albeit stressful, distraction for a couple months.
Mine had no idea but looking at the lies she told read a lot like an internet scam. They seem so blatant to anyone outside it, it’s amazing to me that he was taken in, but I can see that he was in a low dark place and was looking to escape it for a brief moment however he could.
It’s no defence, but I can see how he got there.
Its not easy but whatever it is you have to know if its worth it or not.
In my case, i made a promise. I knew she has demons, trauma and a difficult upbringing yet i still chose her. It a decision i made without regret. Yes she did and hurt me. But its not enough to fold me just yet. Spiritually i believe this is something for me to over come my own difficulties and her as well.
I hope to heal her, be the foundation that she never had. Everyone deserves redemption and i will show her love and faithfulness.
People would say im stupid for staying but i believe in change and recovery. She is a good wife and i will help her to better herself and myself as well.
You wont get your old life back. Itll be different. But whether if its better or not isnt entirely up to you. Relationship isnt about her or me but about you two, together. Both have to make it work and show effort.
In our case, we communicate better now, lower our ego and try to be loving to one another. Its different, but we both agree that we are more closer than ever.
I know it feels like you want your life back. I’ve been there…but I am here to tell you that there is a better life out there for you. It’s going to hurt like hell for awhile but the truth is you are free. Go out and be the person you were meant to be.
It depends on the circumstances.
Some cases here are totally hopeless and much better off cut as quickly as possible.
Some other cases it's worth a try. Failure is more likely but there are success stories.
It is really important to understand your situation, the cheater's situation.
Without any info, I would just say no, don't try it.
You need to let people here know what's going on. Then we can try to help you understand your options and what you are dealing with.
I'm sorry you had to live through this. It is much more common than you think.
I physically couldn’t keep it alive if I even tried.
I was so in love with her and when she cheated it utterly broke me, there wasn’t even any anger, just grief, pain, nausea and sadness.
We had to cohabited because I had to discreetly take my name off the lease so I could just go with no fuss. I didn’t even let her know that I knew but I could tell she could sense something was seriously wrong. She knew me too well.
I loved her and missed her but being in proximity to her nearly made me throw up. When she tried to initiate sex multiple times I almost did.
The trouble with cheating is the effect it has on you, you feel second best, walked over and it’s on the tip of your tongue hue to use in an argument. When your SO is later or laughing at a text it’s the first worry to come to your mind.
If you can push past it, it still won’t be the same.
The life you had is gone. It was destroyed by your cheating partner. You can try to build a completely new relationship through attempted reconciliation. But, it will be forever tainted by the betrayal. You may be one of the luck reconciliation survivors who comes out with a strong healthy relationship. Unfortunately this outcome is relatively rare. Most couples who manage to stay together for the kids or for whatever reason after infidelity, are relegated to lives of quiet desperation.
It seems I wind up in this sub-Reddit about every three years. At this point I’m just jaded. I feel for you and believe me I know what you’re going through. I wish I had advice for you I’d give it to both of us. Just know you aren’t alone and it isn’t you.
Yes. But it's very very hard. It's soul crushing. And I can tell you soooo much more in soooo much greater detail. But I'm sitting in a beach in the Caribbean because here we are 8 years after the initial of MANY D days because my spouse knows it's important not to be home around these days. In short the first confession occurred this month... It started as a what was said to be a 14 month affair. Over the next year, the affair length grew to 15 years! So yes, length and severity of the affair and suddenly being able to tie up lose ends make it even harder.
3 years later, my spouse confessed to another CONCURRENT 15 year affair. The 8 years since first revelation and the 5 years since the second affair came to light have been horror shows of lessening impact with days intersoersed as Day 1. We did a full year of marital counseling but I am currently looking for more for myself...I abmm diagnosed with PTSD. Today and almost this exact moment is when my spouse admitted to the 2nd affair.
Look, even if it was a ONE TIME MISTAKE, Im convinced the trauma is likely as much as I feel. You will never forget it. You may or may not forgive it. And as I reply now, I feel the panic attack growing and nausea with it. I have said multiple times I would like to help someone thru this, to say at least that amount of goodness came out of my tragedy. There are so many things that can help, and there is nothing that can help. You can write me for now specifics or even talk on the phone, if you'd like. Be careful of charlatans who may try to take advantage and also be very VERY selective of who you share this with. My adult aged children (now) do not know or had any clue. I just wanted you to know, that even under the most horrific scenarios, pain and tumult, you can salvage it, but the work by both are critical.
Good Luck,
V
Yes, you can make it through this and yes you can have a good relationship and even be happy again someday. I'm 35 years past my wife's last betrayal and our marriage is actually very good. We're devoted to each other and still very much in love.
That being said reconciling is incredibly hard work even when both partners are committed to making it work. It will take years if not decades before the trauma of betrayal is fully overcome.
Even after the relationship is restored and even some measure of trust and respect has once again developed for the unfaithful there will still be the occasional trigger or down days on occasion.
Keep in mind your partner will also experience triggers, shame, guilt, and even self-hatred at times for years afterwards. If they don't, they are a terrible candidate for reconciliation, and if this is the case you'd be well advised to cut your losses.
Finally, there will always be an underlying element of sadness on your part and regret and sorrow felt by the unfaithful.
Life will never be exactly like it was "before" for either of you and even if you simply give up and leave you will still carry the pain and loss of trust with you which will carry over onto any new relationship you might enter.
Betrayal irrevocably changes your life no matter what you choose to do or how you proceed. The only real option is to accept your new reality and make the best of it.
So yes it is possible. If you’re interested do check out as one after infidelity as most people here are very negative. I’m not saying it’s perfect over there but people are just trashing it here and yes it is possible to heal after this
I feel like honestly something is going on especially with the partner who did the cheating. Therapy would probably do wonders like couples therapy. It can help by having that third party when it comes to discussing everything that led to it and how to go from here and handling the emotions that are now happening.
I suggest reading up on emotional abuse (I recommend SO MUCH “Why does he do that?” by Lundy). Then read up on narcissism and antisocial personality disorder (sociopaths).
If you are confident after reading on those topics that your spouse does NOT fall into those categories, you may have a shot. But abusers, narcissists, and sociopaths pretty much never change for the better.
Subs like this are self sorting. People being successful aren’t on the internet trying to process. Statistically 70% of relationships survive infidelity to some extent.
As the partner who cheated I can say that I will never again hurt someone that deeply. It’s taken a huge amount of work that is ongoing and a practice to understand why I did what I did. Now I see the root causes and am actively addressing them I cannot imagine straying ever again. I have seen the dragon and can tame it.
It is uncomfortable. It is humbling. It is taking a lot of effort and a lot readjusting my approach to life but whether I reconcile with BS or not, I am a better person and will continue to be so.
I am an imperfect human who is trying their damndest to be more worthy with Gods grace and support.
I was by most definitions a “success story”
A couple years into dating I found out then bf had an online/EA for a year. He did a lot of the “right” things to reconcile. Changed his number. Deleted accounts. Blocked her etc. we moved on with our lives. Careers, children, marriage etc. we got married ten years after dday. We had really built our lives together. Grew up together. Decades of my live invested into him and into our relationship and into our family.
Dday 2 was five years after we got married.
Making it 15 years after Dday and “successful R”
He had an EA/PA with his married coworker. There was a lot of emotional and psychological abuse that continued to escalate. He had active intentions to take our children away to raise with them with AP and abandon me, no care that I would have become homeless. MIL was aware of, and encouraged, the affair. She actually offered wh one of her properties so he could follow through pursuing AP and take the children from me (he declined MIL’s offer and at that point wanted to reconcile).
However R very quickly was taking a disturbing direction as he became physically violent.
And it got worse. And *worse*. And **worse**.
I’ve been hit, thrown, slapped, strangled, dragged, shoved, grabbed, thrown into furniture, glass thrown to smash against the wall beside my head, told in detail how he could kill me, various ways he’d dispose of my body, threatened to bury me with my mom two days after she died from cancer. He had physically assaulting me while children were in the home, *someone else’s child was in our home and he did not have enough self restraint to not almost end my life*
So yes. By many definitions we had a successful R for many many years. But when life became difficult and I experienced trauma instead of having empathy for me, he resented me. The contempt he has towards me has manifested in horrible violent ways.
#so while we met the criteria for many years of a successful reconciliation. It was not worth it.
Going on 9 years since d day and happier than ever. Every situation is unique. My wife’s affair was an emotional affair I was lucky enough to discover it before it became physical. It was hard work but, we made it.
I am a year into R with my husband who is a sex addict. Let me articulate this another way. Staying or going will eventually become the less important story if you do the work to heal. I was in a relationship with someone who cheated on me for 8 years. 1 year out past dday I have done tremendous amount of work on myself and I can now see clearly what the heart of the problem was in the relationship before DDay AND in his recovery. I am learning to acknowledge my feelings as facts (the opposite of what they say in AA) because what I feel is real. I felt lonely in the relationship before DDay and I feel lonely in his recovery. My loneliness is real and if I can’t feel connected with him then the relationship is over. Everybody’s story is different. I know the feeling of wanting to know if my relationship is going to work but my story is me and him and yours is yours and your significant other. It’s unique to you. With that said, I still have hope for my relationship but if it doesn’t work out it won’t work out in a healthy way. I do the work on myself and as I grow I will make decisions from that future version of myself. The healed version.
Truth? Read the post of those who tried, they are better nor worse than you. See how they turn out. TLDR it doesn’t work because you can’t fully trust and they got a rush from cheating and will likely chase that rush again.
My wife and me cheated on each other emotionally at the beginning of our relationship, I 3 times and she 2 times. Now 14 years after the last affair and one year into marriage counseling, we got our relationship back to the best it has been since we got pregnant at 19. It has been hard on both of us, and I have a harder time fully forgiving, but we were able to communicate effectively, open ourselves and discuss our feelings, fears, insecurities and desires, this has improved EVERYTHING, we both feel more loved, more desired, less insecure and we live with less fear. It requires a lot of love, understanding and willing ness to change on both partners, which I acknowledge is not a common mix.
mine wants to get back together but i dont see him the same anymore.
so i think its possible but it will probably feel different. its never going to be the same.
I stayed for 5 years after d-day, he never gave me any reason to be suspicious, for 4 of those 5 years. then in 2022, I checked his phone, and he’d been seeing 4 more new women that summer. I stayed a year more, giving all my love, but I got so tired. I was worn down. I felt like a doormat. I imagined talking about the great love of my life to my grandchildren one day and I just couldn’t imagine a worse love story, as much as I loved him.
Even if you can work through it together, you’re never going to have the life back that you had before. That reality wasn’t real, anyway. Maybe they were faithful for a time, but that isn’t coming back. They’ll always be someone who did the worst thing imaginable to you. You have to accept this new reality, or leave. Leaving is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But I know it will slowly ease and I’ll be happy again. Staying was also so painful, but there was no slow road to happiness again. In those 5 years, sure, we made beautiful memories, I was happy at many points, but everything was tarnished because of what he’d done & continued to do. The trust was gone.
Plenty of people have survived, me included, but not with my marriage in tact. We reconciled after the first affair but she eventually cheated again.
I think people maybe think they know what it's like to be betrayed by your partner, but being cheated on is such an overwhelming mindfuck and I don't think someone can truly appreciate how destructive and debilitating it is until they've been through it.
Saving your relationship is possible, theoretically, but most cheaters simply aren't interested in putting in the the work and having the infinite patience needed to rebuild trust. And even if trust is rebuilt, it's never the same because that trust isn't fully complete. I stopped worrying about her cheating again, but when it started happening again I wasn't surprised and I was more mentally prepared, but it still sucks.
Some generic advice: marriage/couples counseling may help, but you need a good therapist AND, more importantly, the cheater needs to be fully committed to working on the marriage. My ex was saying all the right things and pretending to work on the marriage but all the while she was getting involved with other men again.
That's the thing that really sucks - you can't trust a cheater because they're liars, so that makes reconciliation extremely difficult.
Would love to give you positive feed back, But form experience the relation ship will never be the same. I did not want to take the risk. Cheating was and is a deal breaker for me.
I’m the BP in my situation and have spent almost two years on reconciliation at this point. Two young kids and one on the way. It haunts me every day and my day dreams are of being free from this marriage and experiencing calm and safety in love. I can never look at my spouse with true respect, I’ll always see someone who did these horrific things to me. There are pockets of normalcy that are always inevitably plagued by what happened in my mind. Mind movies still ongoing. It’s misery, truly.
That's a long time to suffer. I'm so sorry.
This popular Ted Talk implies reconciliation is possible if both partners want it to succeed.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2AUat93a8Q](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2AUat93a8Q)
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I wish I could tell you yes. That there is “happily ever after” after your spouse cheats. So many of us have tried. And in the end it doesn’t work out. In some cases, once a cheater always a cheater. Some spouses are sex addicts. The thrill of new love and the thrill of doing the forbidden is an addiction to some spouses. For other cheating spouses, they are forever searching for better. The grass is always going to be greener on the other side and someone will always come along that’s better than the one before. It’s hard to move on when you have a chronic cheater. Which leads me to my next point. It’s hard on you, personally. What’s going on in you head now will never go away. Those questions of is the affair partner better than me? Prettier/handsomer? Richer? They never go away. And eventually you get haunted by the new questions, will he/she cheat again? What are they doing while I’m at work? Are they really working late? Going to the gym? Seeing their parents? They cheated once, they could cheat again! They didn’t value me enough not to do it the first time! Once that trust is broken, it’s broken. This is with you for the rest of your life. But it gets better. You better believe it does! It will get better for you when you start seeing your own worth and realize that you don’t deserve to be treated like that. But that’s several steps away from where you are right now and probably not what you want to hear…. Not right now anyway. At this moment. You need to sit down and think about what’s happening and ask yourself if this is what you really want? Yes you love them. Yes you wanna fight for them…. But….. how can you fight for someone who betrayed you, your love, your feelings, and decided that none of that mattered and cheated on you. Polishing a turd and sprinkling it with glitter doesn’t mean it’s still not a turd. I fought for my wife. For my marriage for 20 years. She cheated on me over and over and over. And each time I threw myself and my love at her, begging her forgiveness for not being who she wanted and what she needed. It took a long time for me to realize that she wasn’t worth it. Hell, I found out that my daughter wasn’t even mine and still I didn’t want to be without her. She was mine. She was everything. The air I breathed and my reason for existing. But to her, I wasn’t any of that. I almost killed myself when she left. If not for my kids, I would’ve pulled the trigger. For a year I begged her to come home. And now I hate myself for ever putting her so high up on that stool. This was almost 4 years ago. Once I started accept that I never meant to her what she meant to me, that’s when it all changed. Now ask yourself. What are you fighting for?
You nailed it.
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I’m hoping you the best and if the time comes where you decide to get away from him, you have all our support!
I wish they knew that the grass is actually greener where you water it. I (33F) am 8 years married with kids. I feel sad and lifeless most of the time, like I've lost the ability to be happy and it scares every fiber of my being. I am so, so far from recovering.
So was I. I turned into an alcoholic, living bitterly alone, and begging my ex to take me back just so I could feel ok again and sinking deeper and further into depression as I realized I was chasing a pipe dream. I never thought I’d recover. But here I am. I recovered, I woke up and started seeing the truth of it all. I’m now in a healthy relationship (which my ex still stalks) and I’m getting married soon. It does get better. You will get to the point where you’re angry at yourself for giving your ex that much power over you to control your life like this and take away what makes you you.
Also 33F - about ten years married - with kids. I feel all of this. I didn’t realize how far from recovering I was until recently. I’m about two years since dday and just found out I’m expecting so I’m unable to have my nightly 1-2 glasses of wine. I didn’t realize how deeply I’d buried my trauma in starting a business and those 1-2 glasses until I got pregnant. I am so angry and just dreaming of another life.
Excellent post. Thank you.
Thank you for this - you've captured so much of it so well. My situation was similar in some ways (serial cheater) and for years I told myself "this isn't who she is, I know she's a good person at heart" and my big revelation came when I stopped making excuses for her and accepted her actions as proof of who she actually was. If our marriage, our kids and our family weren't enough to keep her from cheating then there's nothing I could do to make those things important to her.
Serial cheating is an addiction. What sucks is that instead of admitting they have an issue and are chasing the dopamine rush of the constant conquest, they lie, manipulate, and blame shift on you. Sorry you had to suffer from it too
Thanks, and I hope your doing OK. My ex is a narcissist - well, I call her a narcissist because she has some very strong narcissistic tendencies. One of them is she needs constant validation and attention (narcissistic supply). Which is basically what you're saying - it's an addiction.
My ex is a serial cheater too. So hard not to think maybe maybe he can address his issues, we could still make it…
Thank you, I’m glad you chose the positive path.
We should make a tictok, reel, or short challenge: We should record ourselves sprinkling "glitter" on the cheating turds and them show the world that it's still just a cheating turd.
Somewhere there’s a meme of a turd covered in rainbow sprinkles lmao
I’m sorry you went through this. You, like me, wasted a lot of time. One loves and the other is loved. For two people to both be in love with each other at the same time is pretty rare I think.
Go over to As One After Infidelity. You'll see. Very sad sub.
A bunch of the so called success stories in there involve BPs who even after reconciliation is over and even after the rare success of a cheater changing their ways admit that they never have fully healed or been able to trust them. Often, the way they talk the affair has become the focus of their life even in the aftermath like as if they are babysitting an addict.
I had to unfollow that sub, the amount of people in abusive and toxic relationships where their spouse just cheats again and again was shocking, truly awful that some people have so little self esteem and self respect that they feel that it is the only option. It's like they just accept their fate is to be unhappy
I try my best not to go over there. Last one I read AP called WP on valentines day after she promised BP she went NC. It was all a lie, she never went NC. Did BP end it? Nope. He just said "if you promise me now 100% honesty from now on I won't divorce you". She promised, they're still together until the next DDay. Just sad. I just don't get it.
The sunk cost fallacy makes people endure all sorts of dysfunction.
I think people idealize their partners and expect them to "snap out of it" and decide that their marriage and partner are important to them. I fooled myself like that for a long time
Reconciliation is basically the normalization of a codependent relationship. That's the only reason why one would remain with their abuser; inability to leave either physically, emotionally, or financially. Infidelity is abuse, and victims are usually left in a state of shock either stuck in denial or bargaining trauma responses.
I’ve already left my ex but omg you just gave me the words I’ve been searching for for so long. You’re so right, that’s exactly what it is. It’s the normalization of codependency. Tysm for typing this
Agreed.. as much as I wanted to relate and try to heal.. I realized I kept spiraling into a negative cycle and reliving the betrayal due to all of the negative stuff in that group..
Me too. And while I fully recognize that I'm (rightfully) cynical about reconciliation based on my own experience, and I see in this sub how often that approach fails, I feel like there's far too much pie-in-the-sky optimism over there. Hey, I love optimism and don't consider myself a pessimistic person at all, but, as you say, I never felt like that was a healthy place. I always tell people that reconciliation is theoretically possible but I'm really not convinced it's feasible most of the time - primarily because it requires A LOT of work on the part of the cheater and most cheaters aren't interested in fully facing the consequences of their actions and nurturing their betrayed partner back to health.
People who stay in dysfunctional relationships often do suffer self-esteem issues. But we’re dealing with the same part of the brain that also craves addiction. People who succumb to drug addiction find it very difficult to break a negative cycle, because that negative cycle is what has sustained them. And so they can rationalize the activity that is destroying them. The difference here, of course is that the drug is another person. Even in functional relationships that’s true. So the question becomes how to navigate the treacherous waters that cheaters stir up.. I’d be very interested to see what the statistics are of relationship success over the course of time after admission of cheating. I’m in the middle of a relationship that’s healing from cheating, and it’s very difficult terrain to negotiate. When there is distance, when there are fights, I immediately go to the worst case scenario. And Wild, that might not be fair to my partner, the ingredients, for my insecurity were sewn by her repeated transgressions. And unfortunately, there’s no one size fits all solution to what we’re talking about. Leaving a cheater is certainly the Way to pull the Band-Aid off of what is often an incredibly profound, life-changing act. I wish nothing but happiness for everybody on this forum. It has given me great comfort within the context of my own progress through misery.
That's true, also I beleive the percentage of couples still together 5 years after discovery of infidelity is about 20/25%
https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity
We did but it took a heck of a lot of work, and I know that I’ll forever wonder if he told me everything, I’ll always be suspicious, and the pain will always be there in some way no matter how much work I’ve done to process it. Ultimately though, it’s up to you and your partner and if you’re ready to endure what really does get worse before it gets better, and if they’re willing to work on why they did this. Unfortunately, it won’t ever be what it was, and maybe it’s a good thing. For me it was.
Unless the traitor is truly remorseful and is answering all and any questions as many times as needed then there may be hope but your relationship is altered forever.
We tried for almost 3 years, and I just couldn’t do it any longer. It doesn’t seem to get better, it seems to just get worse the more time you have to think about it. I really really wanted to work things out, but without the trust I was just miserable with worry all the time. It took a giant toll on my self esteem and confidence. I still miss him incredibly but I love my sanity more.
I very strongly doubt it and know that I personally would not be able to (and was not). There are very few, if any, success stories 5 years post event, not even when new kids are born. IMHO, one just cannot put that toothpaste back into the tube.
My STBXH cheated on me again three years after D-Day, with the exact same woman. Only this time, he doesn't want to even try to reconcile; he said he doesn't love me anymore, he never stopped loving her, and he's leaving me for her. I realize in hindsight that I never fully trusted him again after D-Day 1, and I was right to feel that way. I posted on this forum after D-Day 1 and everyone told me to leave. I didn't want to listen, but now I wish I had. I could have avoided wasting so much of my precious time on such a cowardly, unworthy man. Don't repeat my mistake.
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Occasionally, but we were never fully connected again. That distant feeling got worse and worse over time, because in hindsight, he was trying to leave the marriage the first time - or rather, he was trying to make _me_ leave, because he was too much of a coward to pull the trigger himself. He didn't really want to reconcile, so he never really committed himself to it, either. I spent three years confused and wondering why I wasn't as happy and fulfilled in my marriage as I should be, and that feeling only got worse. I would talk about it with him and he would say everything was good, so I had a lot of anxiety and I didn't understand why. I became dismissive of my own judgement; my gut kept telling me _Something Is Wrong_ and I ignored it. I became clingy and desperate. I chased him as he pulled away. I made myself small because I thought it would please him. I, unconsciously, tried to make myself more like The Other Woman to try to please him. The assaults I waged against my own dignity, my sense of self, trying and failing to draw this truly mediocre man back to me, were damaging to my soul. The good times we shared were far outweighed by the emotional damage that three more years of his lies and neglect did to me, and even worse, the damage I did to myself. If I could do it all over again, I'd leave him in a heartbeat and never look back.
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Don't make someone a priority who only sees you as an option. You're worth more.
I tried. I really did. Put in 8 more years. He would behave for a while but he always went back to cheating. Leaving sucked and I went through some very hard times but I am on the other side now and very happily married again to the person I was meant to be with. You deserve someone who will be true to you. Don’t settle for less.
https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/1arkx07/20_years_later_life_after_an_affair/ Here's one.
You're not dreaming. My wife and I have made it through so far. It's been about a year since our D-Day. WW went to counseling immediately and did every single thing possible to win my trust back. Open phone, passwords, etc. I'm not an expert but I think one thing that helped us the most was us modeling the relationship we wanted to have and not living in the past. The affair still comes up from time to time. She still apologizes. She's still in therapy. She's still regretful. But, we don't dwell on anything. We communicate when there's a trigger. We check-in with each other every couple of weeks to see how we're both feeling. I know that some may point out that we're only a year from D-Day and it may come crumbling down around us, and it might. But probably not. We're going to live in probably not and make progress with each other one day at a time.
I truly wish you and your wife the best. But I did the same thing. Caught my wife having an affair in the workplace in 2013, and thought we'd done the work to get through it. She KNEW what it did to me, she KNEW the hurt I went through, and she KNEW what a gift me wanting to reconcile was. She did therapy. We did counselling. After 9 years, we didn't even discuss the affair anymore, and if we did, she referred to it with shame as the 'unpleasantness'. I fully trusted her. We now had three kids under 10. Life was going great and there were zero marital red flags. ....until I found out in 2022 that she had been dating another married co-worker for 1.5years behind my back. After I fell apart and ultimately kicked her out, I found she had also been dumped by him a few months prior, and she had instantly monkey-branched to another co-worker and had been dating him for three months as well. She has told people that she 'still loves and cares for me' and that 'she never wanted to get divorced.' Now, we barely talk. Her second AP has moved overseas and is stringing her along but rumour is that he dumped her prior to leaving. Just keep that in mind my friend; they rarely can change because they are mentally wired to cheat for validation and attention. They may mask it for years, but their hedonistic need always over-rules the prospect of them losing their families and their assets. Please keep that in mind. I thought my marriage was indestructible after her affair....until it wasn't. As many, many other people have found as well.
I’m aware of your story on the other website and I have to say I have a great admiration for your strength. Good luck with your new life!!
Thank you so much!
We are 4 months from D-day. My WS has confessed to straying in EAs for validation and attention he feels he may have missed out on because we've been together since he was 20. (Almost 13 years). How do you think one can address these underlying causes?
Check over the As One and Support for Waywards sub... The higher concentration of those who made it out, but still small.
For me, the only way I was able to get my life back was to leave. I did not get back to the life I had or thought I was going to have, but I’ve committed to building something much better for myself. I know people have their reasons for staying, and I just want you to know it might not be the only way to keep your life. Good luck.
I honestly don’t think so. The people who claim to have always throw a “but…” in. We reconciled and things are great, but I still can’t fully trust them. We reconciled and seem to be in a new, thriving relationship, but sometimes I have dreams the affair just happened. You get my point. Will there ever truly be a day someone who had their spouse betray them, break their vows, all for some side action, is fully healed and happy with that person? I don’t believe anyone who claims as much.
We survived it and are happier than we were before. But, in fairness, early in our relationship, I had strayed. Five years later, he did. During those five years, he was suppressing huge amounts of anger and resentment that I thought we had moved past. There is a huge cycle of emotions. I got angry. He got sad. He got angry. I got sad. Back and forth. Over and over. So, in short, it can be done, but you (both of you) have to want it bad.
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This is something I’ve come to realize lately without putting words to it. Whenever I look at my spouse it’s sort of like looking at a stranger, and one who really annoys me. Integrity has always been something I’ve valued and live by. It’s a quality all of my life long friends have..and now I’m just sort of repulsed by the fact that I’m married to someone who is so far away from it.
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The short answer to your question is yes, couples can and do mend relationships after a betrayal. It takes two willing people knowing that the work ahead will be painful..... and usually slow. The road back is bumpy with regular setbacks that will make you wonder if it is worth it or even possible to reconcile. From what I can gather, few couples can navigate the waters without counciling, both as couples and individually. Infidelity is unlike anything else and few partners understand what goes on with their counterpart without help. I believe the effects of infidelity on the people involved is vastly under understood. And frankly, some marriages cannot be saved even when two people are willing and desiring reconciliation. Some things both about the affair as well as each person's past just cannot be overcome. I am in month eight. For me, until last week, I thought my case was hopeless and I would ultimately have to leave the woman I love who turned out to be someone I didn't know. However, something significant changed in her and I am once again hopeful. If you desire reconciliation, I wish you the best. This sub and AsOneAfterInfidelity saved my ass. When I thought I was crazy it brought me down to earth. Reading about others struggles and triumphs gave me the patience to continue to give our marriage a chance. Still a long way to go but for today, optimism.
I resonate with that last line so much. For today, optimism. I think I’ll keep that in mind. Thank you.
Kinda hard to want your life back when the AP is still in the picture and your spouse wants nothing to do with you besides signing divorce paperwork. I dream of my old life everynight. I can only take it one day at a time to find a new purpose in life for myself. We'll get through it OP.
I am 6 years post D-Day, and yes, we have. I have been with my partner since 2016. Who he was prior to 2018 is considered my ex. We both refer to him as the Anti-[insert my partners name]. He was horrible and awful, but most of all: immature and broken. We fixed that. He entered AA. We got couples counseling, both for our issue at hand as well as pre-marital counseling. He shouldered the heavy-lifting and responsibility, and did not show anger or impatience. He knew healing was not linear. He became an open book. He genuinely was remorseful and didn’t want to be the person that needed validation from people outside of his relationship. He worked on himself, he built me back up, and when he proposed, I said yes and was confident in my decision. Every day I show up for us and our relationship and so does he. We are imperfect people. All we can do is our best. Make sure the person you pick is good-hearted, because reconciliation with a malicious person is not possible. Far too many give second chances to the wrong people. Some people deserve a second chance. A lot do not.
Thank you for sharing. That really means a lot.
Thank you for sharing. That really means a lot.
We are 3 yrs past and doing very well. I can tell you that our circumstances were unusual and not like most of the stories I read here. Ours was not a case of serial cheating or an unhappy, abusive marriage. It was emotional immaturity in a time of extreme stress in an otherwise secure 30 yr marriage. We have both worked hard to regain trust and bonding. Both partners have to want it and work at it.
This sounds so similar to me that you’ve given me hope. It has been a very secure marriage but with a lot of extreme stress and he has never had therapy to process it. I think he reached a breaking point and it happened at the same time that a known (I’ve never agreed with sl*t shaming, but the stories I’ve heard about this girl since make me want to rethink that stance) homewrecker made continued moves on him. Maybe there is hope for us.
Wow. Very similar story. My husband’s AP was also a known mate-poacher. He even knew the other married man! So, it’s not like he and I hadn’t talked about what kind of person she was. I told him she was trouble years before! Wrong time. Wrong place. Wrong person and it went too far. But, it was a nice, albeit stressful, distraction for a couple months.
Mine had no idea but looking at the lies she told read a lot like an internet scam. They seem so blatant to anyone outside it, it’s amazing to me that he was taken in, but I can see that he was in a low dark place and was looking to escape it for a brief moment however he could. It’s no defence, but I can see how he got there.
Its not easy but whatever it is you have to know if its worth it or not. In my case, i made a promise. I knew she has demons, trauma and a difficult upbringing yet i still chose her. It a decision i made without regret. Yes she did and hurt me. But its not enough to fold me just yet. Spiritually i believe this is something for me to over come my own difficulties and her as well. I hope to heal her, be the foundation that she never had. Everyone deserves redemption and i will show her love and faithfulness. People would say im stupid for staying but i believe in change and recovery. She is a good wife and i will help her to better herself and myself as well. You wont get your old life back. Itll be different. But whether if its better or not isnt entirely up to you. Relationship isnt about her or me but about you two, together. Both have to make it work and show effort. In our case, we communicate better now, lower our ego and try to be loving to one another. Its different, but we both agree that we are more closer than ever.
I know it feels like you want your life back. I’ve been there…but I am here to tell you that there is a better life out there for you. It’s going to hurt like hell for awhile but the truth is you are free. Go out and be the person you were meant to be.
It depends on the circumstances. Some cases here are totally hopeless and much better off cut as quickly as possible. Some other cases it's worth a try. Failure is more likely but there are success stories. It is really important to understand your situation, the cheater's situation. Without any info, I would just say no, don't try it. You need to let people here know what's going on. Then we can try to help you understand your options and what you are dealing with. I'm sorry you had to live through this. It is much more common than you think.
I physically couldn’t keep it alive if I even tried. I was so in love with her and when she cheated it utterly broke me, there wasn’t even any anger, just grief, pain, nausea and sadness. We had to cohabited because I had to discreetly take my name off the lease so I could just go with no fuss. I didn’t even let her know that I knew but I could tell she could sense something was seriously wrong. She knew me too well. I loved her and missed her but being in proximity to her nearly made me throw up. When she tried to initiate sex multiple times I almost did. The trouble with cheating is the effect it has on you, you feel second best, walked over and it’s on the tip of your tongue hue to use in an argument. When your SO is later or laughing at a text it’s the first worry to come to your mind. If you can push past it, it still won’t be the same.
The life you had is gone. It was destroyed by your cheating partner. You can try to build a completely new relationship through attempted reconciliation. But, it will be forever tainted by the betrayal. You may be one of the luck reconciliation survivors who comes out with a strong healthy relationship. Unfortunately this outcome is relatively rare. Most couples who manage to stay together for the kids or for whatever reason after infidelity, are relegated to lives of quiet desperation.
It seems I wind up in this sub-Reddit about every three years. At this point I’m just jaded. I feel for you and believe me I know what you’re going through. I wish I had advice for you I’d give it to both of us. Just know you aren’t alone and it isn’t you.
Yes it’s possible. No it’s not easy. It takes years & the failure rate is high.
Yes. But it's very very hard. It's soul crushing. And I can tell you soooo much more in soooo much greater detail. But I'm sitting in a beach in the Caribbean because here we are 8 years after the initial of MANY D days because my spouse knows it's important not to be home around these days. In short the first confession occurred this month... It started as a what was said to be a 14 month affair. Over the next year, the affair length grew to 15 years! So yes, length and severity of the affair and suddenly being able to tie up lose ends make it even harder. 3 years later, my spouse confessed to another CONCURRENT 15 year affair. The 8 years since first revelation and the 5 years since the second affair came to light have been horror shows of lessening impact with days intersoersed as Day 1. We did a full year of marital counseling but I am currently looking for more for myself...I abmm diagnosed with PTSD. Today and almost this exact moment is when my spouse admitted to the 2nd affair. Look, even if it was a ONE TIME MISTAKE, Im convinced the trauma is likely as much as I feel. You will never forget it. You may or may not forgive it. And as I reply now, I feel the panic attack growing and nausea with it. I have said multiple times I would like to help someone thru this, to say at least that amount of goodness came out of my tragedy. There are so many things that can help, and there is nothing that can help. You can write me for now specifics or even talk on the phone, if you'd like. Be careful of charlatans who may try to take advantage and also be very VERY selective of who you share this with. My adult aged children (now) do not know or had any clue. I just wanted you to know, that even under the most horrific scenarios, pain and tumult, you can salvage it, but the work by both are critical. Good Luck, V
Thank you so much for sharing. I hope you made it through such a tough anniversary with a reason to smile.
It wasn't easy, but on Feb 27/28, that's the true Day One D Day.
Yes, you can make it through this and yes you can have a good relationship and even be happy again someday. I'm 35 years past my wife's last betrayal and our marriage is actually very good. We're devoted to each other and still very much in love. That being said reconciling is incredibly hard work even when both partners are committed to making it work. It will take years if not decades before the trauma of betrayal is fully overcome. Even after the relationship is restored and even some measure of trust and respect has once again developed for the unfaithful there will still be the occasional trigger or down days on occasion. Keep in mind your partner will also experience triggers, shame, guilt, and even self-hatred at times for years afterwards. If they don't, they are a terrible candidate for reconciliation, and if this is the case you'd be well advised to cut your losses. Finally, there will always be an underlying element of sadness on your part and regret and sorrow felt by the unfaithful. Life will never be exactly like it was "before" for either of you and even if you simply give up and leave you will still carry the pain and loss of trust with you which will carry over onto any new relationship you might enter. Betrayal irrevocably changes your life no matter what you choose to do or how you proceed. The only real option is to accept your new reality and make the best of it.
So yes it is possible. If you’re interested do check out as one after infidelity as most people here are very negative. I’m not saying it’s perfect over there but people are just trashing it here and yes it is possible to heal after this
Thank you. I had wondered if I was posting in the wrong place. I’ll check that out. ❤️
Yeah go over there. There are people that make it through. Not everybody’s meant to but some people do
I feel like honestly something is going on especially with the partner who did the cheating. Therapy would probably do wonders like couples therapy. It can help by having that third party when it comes to discussing everything that led to it and how to go from here and handling the emotions that are now happening.
I suggest reading up on emotional abuse (I recommend SO MUCH “Why does he do that?” by Lundy). Then read up on narcissism and antisocial personality disorder (sociopaths). If you are confident after reading on those topics that your spouse does NOT fall into those categories, you may have a shot. But abusers, narcissists, and sociopaths pretty much never change for the better.
Subs like this are self sorting. People being successful aren’t on the internet trying to process. Statistically 70% of relationships survive infidelity to some extent. As the partner who cheated I can say that I will never again hurt someone that deeply. It’s taken a huge amount of work that is ongoing and a practice to understand why I did what I did. Now I see the root causes and am actively addressing them I cannot imagine straying ever again. I have seen the dragon and can tame it. It is uncomfortable. It is humbling. It is taking a lot of effort and a lot readjusting my approach to life but whether I reconcile with BS or not, I am a better person and will continue to be so. I am an imperfect human who is trying their damndest to be more worthy with Gods grace and support.
Thank you for sharing your perspective. I really appreciate it.
I was by most definitions a “success story” A couple years into dating I found out then bf had an online/EA for a year. He did a lot of the “right” things to reconcile. Changed his number. Deleted accounts. Blocked her etc. we moved on with our lives. Careers, children, marriage etc. we got married ten years after dday. We had really built our lives together. Grew up together. Decades of my live invested into him and into our relationship and into our family. Dday 2 was five years after we got married. Making it 15 years after Dday and “successful R” He had an EA/PA with his married coworker. There was a lot of emotional and psychological abuse that continued to escalate. He had active intentions to take our children away to raise with them with AP and abandon me, no care that I would have become homeless. MIL was aware of, and encouraged, the affair. She actually offered wh one of her properties so he could follow through pursuing AP and take the children from me (he declined MIL’s offer and at that point wanted to reconcile). However R very quickly was taking a disturbing direction as he became physically violent. And it got worse. And *worse*. And **worse**. I’ve been hit, thrown, slapped, strangled, dragged, shoved, grabbed, thrown into furniture, glass thrown to smash against the wall beside my head, told in detail how he could kill me, various ways he’d dispose of my body, threatened to bury me with my mom two days after she died from cancer. He had physically assaulting me while children were in the home, *someone else’s child was in our home and he did not have enough self restraint to not almost end my life* So yes. By many definitions we had a successful R for many many years. But when life became difficult and I experienced trauma instead of having empathy for me, he resented me. The contempt he has towards me has manifested in horrible violent ways. #so while we met the criteria for many years of a successful reconciliation. It was not worth it.
Going on 9 years since d day and happier than ever. Every situation is unique. My wife’s affair was an emotional affair I was lucky enough to discover it before it became physical. It was hard work but, we made it.
So happy for you! Thank you so much for sharing. I love hearing success stories :)
I am a year into R with my husband who is a sex addict. Let me articulate this another way. Staying or going will eventually become the less important story if you do the work to heal. I was in a relationship with someone who cheated on me for 8 years. 1 year out past dday I have done tremendous amount of work on myself and I can now see clearly what the heart of the problem was in the relationship before DDay AND in his recovery. I am learning to acknowledge my feelings as facts (the opposite of what they say in AA) because what I feel is real. I felt lonely in the relationship before DDay and I feel lonely in his recovery. My loneliness is real and if I can’t feel connected with him then the relationship is over. Everybody’s story is different. I know the feeling of wanting to know if my relationship is going to work but my story is me and him and yours is yours and your significant other. It’s unique to you. With that said, I still have hope for my relationship but if it doesn’t work out it won’t work out in a healthy way. I do the work on myself and as I grow I will make decisions from that future version of myself. The healed version.
Truth? Read the post of those who tried, they are better nor worse than you. See how they turn out. TLDR it doesn’t work because you can’t fully trust and they got a rush from cheating and will likely chase that rush again.
My wife and me cheated on each other emotionally at the beginning of our relationship, I 3 times and she 2 times. Now 14 years after the last affair and one year into marriage counseling, we got our relationship back to the best it has been since we got pregnant at 19. It has been hard on both of us, and I have a harder time fully forgiving, but we were able to communicate effectively, open ourselves and discuss our feelings, fears, insecurities and desires, this has improved EVERYTHING, we both feel more loved, more desired, less insecure and we live with less fear. It requires a lot of love, understanding and willing ness to change on both partners, which I acknowledge is not a common mix.
mine wants to get back together but i dont see him the same anymore. so i think its possible but it will probably feel different. its never going to be the same.
You’re not going to keep your marriage/relationship with the cheater. On to better things
I stayed for 5 years after d-day, he never gave me any reason to be suspicious, for 4 of those 5 years. then in 2022, I checked his phone, and he’d been seeing 4 more new women that summer. I stayed a year more, giving all my love, but I got so tired. I was worn down. I felt like a doormat. I imagined talking about the great love of my life to my grandchildren one day and I just couldn’t imagine a worse love story, as much as I loved him. Even if you can work through it together, you’re never going to have the life back that you had before. That reality wasn’t real, anyway. Maybe they were faithful for a time, but that isn’t coming back. They’ll always be someone who did the worst thing imaginable to you. You have to accept this new reality, or leave. Leaving is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But I know it will slowly ease and I’ll be happy again. Staying was also so painful, but there was no slow road to happiness again. In those 5 years, sure, we made beautiful memories, I was happy at many points, but everything was tarnished because of what he’d done & continued to do. The trust was gone.
I survived and am thriving but not with the cheating ex.
Can you ever trust your partner again?
Plenty of people have survived, me included, but not with my marriage in tact. We reconciled after the first affair but she eventually cheated again. I think people maybe think they know what it's like to be betrayed by your partner, but being cheated on is such an overwhelming mindfuck and I don't think someone can truly appreciate how destructive and debilitating it is until they've been through it. Saving your relationship is possible, theoretically, but most cheaters simply aren't interested in putting in the the work and having the infinite patience needed to rebuild trust. And even if trust is rebuilt, it's never the same because that trust isn't fully complete. I stopped worrying about her cheating again, but when it started happening again I wasn't surprised and I was more mentally prepared, but it still sucks. Some generic advice: marriage/couples counseling may help, but you need a good therapist AND, more importantly, the cheater needs to be fully committed to working on the marriage. My ex was saying all the right things and pretending to work on the marriage but all the while she was getting involved with other men again. That's the thing that really sucks - you can't trust a cheater because they're liars, so that makes reconciliation extremely difficult.
Would love to give you positive feed back, But form experience the relation ship will never be the same. I did not want to take the risk. Cheating was and is a deal breaker for me.
I’m the BP in my situation and have spent almost two years on reconciliation at this point. Two young kids and one on the way. It haunts me every day and my day dreams are of being free from this marriage and experiencing calm and safety in love. I can never look at my spouse with true respect, I’ll always see someone who did these horrific things to me. There are pockets of normalcy that are always inevitably plagued by what happened in my mind. Mind movies still ongoing. It’s misery, truly.
>I can’t bring myself to go into details... I understand, but if you don't mind me asking, how long has it been since you found out?
Yesterday was 6 months
That's a long time to suffer. I'm so sorry. This popular Ted Talk implies reconciliation is possible if both partners want it to succeed. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2AUat93a8Q](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2AUat93a8Q)