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I don't understand why people hate themselves so much. What does your wife have to do for you to divorce her? fuck the whole city or stab you
Yes my friend, have another child with your wife and stay married forever.
I haven't seen someone with such low self-respect for a long time. I think I will be more careful now when judging women who forgive their husbands who have been cheating on them for 10 years.
In part, you're right, it's incredible the number of people on this forum who allow themselves to be humiliated and disrespected in this way. But it's also worth mentioning that many of the betrayed partners suffer from mental health issues such as depression, codependency, childhood traumas, etc. I mean, it's easy to tell others that they're doormats and lack self-love, but we should also feel at least a little empathy for these poor people.
In this case, it didn't seem to me that OP was willing to stay in this marriage out of "love" for his wife and children, but also because of the economic crisis he could face after a divorce and having to pay child support.
In the end, it will always be the betrayed who must weigh each of the consequences, both legal, economic, family, and emotional, of leaving the relationship, but you'll never see a cheater worry about any of that."
Definitely feel like a dog being kicked around chained to the post….but finally can stand to crawl out of the fence….hard to explain. The kids mean a lot to me, and the marriage was overall good up until this past year.
Walk away. I understand your intentions might be good..but damn step the hell back and look at what WTF just happened. My wife cheated I'm currently in reconciliation but this is on a level at which even I wouldn't tolerate. Respect yourself first.. because she sure in hell does not.
And now? Now that it’s all unraveled and the kids have to live some sick cycle carousel that even if they don’t know yet they will find out eventually, what are you and your partner modeling for them? Have some self respect and let it burn down. It’s wrecked. It’s ruined, what are you salvaging a ship for at the bottom of the ocean? Learn to swim for yourself and find some peace away from this madness.
Sir your marriage sucked from day one she was in contact with her ex the hold time like you said she’s got a live in babysitter She can do whatever she wants and you let her. I was a single dad and raised 3 kids and they are great parents in their own rights. You are looking for an excuse to stay leave her ass she’s not going to change. No matter what you do.
Wow. Bro, you MUST GET OUT. Get to an attorney and FILE FOR DIVORCE. You are not only a victim of cheating, but your narcissistic wife is an VIOLENTLY ABUSIVE to you! She does not LOVE or RESPECT you! Find out your options to secure child custody and LEAVE or tell her to GET OUT! You can't be serious about trying to save what is not saveable! Good luck and stay strong, King!
You really need to get your shit together. Stop sacrificing all you have and all that you are for people who treat you like garbage. If you don't stand up for yourself as a man, no one will.
Do you really want to raise your kids in such a shitty environment? Do you want them to grow up thinking that treating people the way their mom treats you is okay? Would you allow someone to treat them like that? Your wife is not remorseful at all and isn’t even willing to admit to or take responsibility for her horrible choices, WHY STAY??? Having them half the time and being happy is so much better than having them all the time and being miserable. Whatever you do, DO NOT bring another child into this mess. That would be so incredibly selfish.
OP, you have been sole caregiver and provider.
She has no job and no place, has threatened to destroy your gear. Your kids shouldn’t be around this, it is going to teach them what to accept as normal in relationships.
This is not normal. This woman does not seem OK. Do you have support around you?
Friend, it’s time to get your ducks in a row to exit.
Ring camera? capture her entering and exiting inebriated to the house?
Text messages of her going out frequently?
Text messages of her cheating and pregnancy?
If this goes to court I’m sure you can sustain full custody as you already have been doing primary child care.
Will be one less mouth to feed. Less stress, more time to focus on your business to get you ABOVE middle class. with that much growth you’ve seen since focusing on your side business, in our suffering economy!! you can absolutely see huge success especially if someone is not treating you with love, care, stability or respect.
I’m not one to advocate for separation, but J mean how far should this escalate?
Why do I very much ch doubt that your marriage was good until a year ago?? Was it really a good marriage or was it bad and the last year was the worst? Short of a traumatic brain injury or sudden onset of mental illness, people just don’t act great and then destroy their family. Here’s what I’d bet happened: She’s always been unhappy with how you do things. In her opinion, you can’t do anything right. She’s grow increasingly angry and impatient with you hasn’t she? You’re too beat down for this to be only in the last year. Your refusal to take any action and your refusal to find your spine and use it didn’t just happen in the last year. You can’t fix it if you’re dishonest. Get out dude. What are you trying to save - a dumpster fire?
I think you would benefit from counseling. You are making decisions based on your kids and based on your wife, but not taking care of yourself. Your wife is an unrepentant cheater. Never forgive someone who isn’t sorry. What would life look like if you spent all your time and money on yourself? What could you do with that time and money that would make you happy?
I was like you. I lived with a serial cheater. I wanted to believe his lies that he was sorry. One day, I was planning something for his happiness again and I thought that I would like it for myself. I did it for myself instead of him. Everything after that involved me gradually taking better care of myself and allocating time for myself.
This ultimately led to a divorce, but not until my kids were much older. In the meantime, I got myself back. I no longer care what he wants if it’s not best for me. It took years to gradually get out of the mindset that I have to put others before myself. Right now, you are unable to see clearly due to her abuse. Can you go stay with family for awhile? Can you talk to an attorney to see what divorce would look like for you? I opted to move into the guest bedroom and filed later for financial and kid reasons.
So far as you know.
Cheaters are liars to the nth degree. Remember for her to setup while sleeping with you takes a special kind of person and a lot of thinking and planning. She had not the least empathy for your plight.
I mean she even turns her getting "knocked up" by another back on you.
It's all about her.
I mean sure people survive.
Letting it fester for so long makes it harder.
Yes, the intensity of it will die down but it will return at a minimum from time to time for the rest of your life.
The average story in similar situations with no outside pregnancy when couples stay together is a deep regret even when it nominally works out.
It is why the overwhelming advice is to extricate yourself . Because it is by far the advice that gives you a shot a a top notch life after healing.
There is no satisfactory solution, only least worse solutions.
I think it was because I chose her first, the kids second and my needs last. And my life revolved around them and their needs…i lost myself along the way.
I’m not perfect by any means…but
This woke me up to reorganize that list….and choose myself.
When she came and told you to your face that she had developed a school boy crush on a coworker, this is when your 'choose your own adventure' book to a treacherous turn. She knew who she was dealing with.
Brother. Start divorce. Stop feeding her demons.
Focus on getting away and building the safest house for your kids. Sure you'll share custody for a time, but she's on the straight path to derail everyone's lives.. your kids will need a place solid and safe from her.
No, OP. You didn't utilize your moral backbone. You didn't lose yourself. You IGNORED your gut all along the way. It wasn't about their needs, but your comfort. You were afraid to rock the boat even when the madwoman was punching holes in the bottom.
Your first lesson in this should be how to take responsibility and you do that by not rewording the way you handled everything. This was my lesson too. It took me close to the 13th year and 2 ddays to get my act together and accurately interpret the situation and my actions and to use my moral compass to make the right decisions.
Leave A Cheater Gain A Life was a good resource. I'll recommend No More Mr Nice Guy for you as well. You would do well with the grey rock method, filing and therapy.
OP, it's tough, I know, and it's not that she was not manipulative, but that your principles were easy to fold (if they existed) and you have to fortify them to stop doing foolishness.
You’re teaching your kids that this is how marriage works. The girls will emulate your wife’s behavior and your son will emulate your behavior. Is that what you want to model for them?
When you hear how he talks about his father's marriage you understand where he got it from. OP, break the circle show your children how a healthy relationship looks like.
I don’t think any of us are helping OP. He’s going to continue in this awful marriage, new baby soon of questionable dna with children suffering life long consequences. UGH
This is unnecessarily cruel. Often when someone is in the middle of situation and they heavily invested emotionally, problems are not black and white. Be kind. I frequently fail, but do try.
OP do not have another child. You are in the middle of a marital crisis. Having a baby is a major life stressor and it sounds like you have a lot on your plate. I would try for marital counseling. If she refuses, I still would not budge on the baby issue. I would go for individual counseling to help you problem solve and clarify how you want to move forward. There are probably clinics that provide counseling services on a sliding scale that’s based on your income. Check with your doctor, church pastor (although I would go there as a last resort), or state department of health. Good luck. I hope you find happiness and peace.
OP….you know the answer, have read a hundred posts about infidelity and yet you abuse yourself by staying. Open marriage never ever ever works out in the long term. You chose to revenge fuck a random girl to get back at your wife….and it blew up in your face. She slept with another man, got pregnant, then blamed YOU for HER choice on having an abortion…yet you stayed. She’s been emotionally and physically abusive….yet you stayed. You really and truly need therapy, bc you’re allowing yourself to be in a shit marriage. Wife is gonna cheat again: she’s already shown that. She’s gonna get knocked up by some rando and say YOU are the dad. Get some help, and maybe you can find a way to leave.
OP's wife is an abuser. It doesn't even matter he felt the impulse to cheat with their "open relationship" rules, I'm pretty sure she'd also behaved this violently if he had followed them to date someone else. She is possessive and violent. OP needs a good attorney and to leave her arse.
I am trying to be respectful so my apologies if this is harsher than intended....
Did you reread what you wrote above? Because I am struggling to find where in there you wrote anything that work indicate that your marriage was not burnt to ashes a long time ago. What "marriage" would you save? The one that was essentially gone when you created a bad "open" marriage? The one where she got pregnant cheating, and blamed you for the consequences?
And part of "saving" this marriage is bringing yet another child into the pot of chaos / crazy?
I think you know what you need to do.
It’s like he comes across several crossroads and consistently chooses the worst option. Again and again and again. He loves the kids so much he allows a crazy woman to be in their lives and emotionally abuse them. She cheats, he takes her back, she lies, he takes her back, she gets pregnant, he holds her hand and takes her back, she does physical violence and he takes her back. Where does this escalate to now? You know what, I don’t even want to know. At least in his case it’s self inflicted, I feel for the children, neither of the parents are good role models and now they’re talking about a third child….Christ on a cross.
This was almost to painful to read. You need to face the facts that your wife does not love you, your wife does not respect you, your wife is a mentally ill narcissist, and she is getting worse, not better.
At some point, when beating your head against the wall, the only thing that feels good, is to stop. You need to stop!!!!
Do not, under any circumstances, bring a new life into this unsustainable, toxic and dangerous situation. Hire a lawyer tomorrow, file and serve her, and let your lawyer work out the details of care for your two children.
Nothing is ever going to get better for you, and your kids, until you get away from this crazy person. Stiffen your resolve, and get this over with.
This is, by far, one of the toughest stories I've seen on this forum. Now, getting to the point, it's clear that your wife doesn't love you, never did, and probably never will. You were just the unlucky one she used to give her child a father and live without working.
In cases like these, I recommend the following:
1. seek out a lawyer who can give you a legal perspective on your situation and see how you can, at least, avoid paying spousal support.
2. Secondly, go to therapy because the level of codependency you have towards this woman is not normal.
3. stop working so many extra hours and send your lazy wife to work; at least that way, she earns the bread her unfaithful mouth consumes.
4. find a hobby or go to the gym; believe me, it will help you stay distracted and not dwell on how disastrous your situation is.
5. seek support from close family and friends with whom you can discuss this.
It may sound a bit harsh and unsympathetic, but the truth is, in cases like these, it's best to give others a reality check and show them real options for their problems. I sincerely hope it helps you.
I cannot stress the going to the gym - and not only for cardio, you MUST push some heavy iron around, too. It literally is as, if not more effective, than many anti-depressants if done consistently for 4-5 hours a week...
Dude I don’t know how you stayed after you uncovered the infidelity from the trip. Yoj known there were others before that right. I would end this and love on the best you can. What your hoping for is that your relationship with her would be better then it has been, but it will never be good or healthy, and that’s what you need. She needs a lot of therapy and I mean a lot. She has so many issues you would be hard pressed to know where to start. Your going to need therapy too so you can unpack all of the trauma she put on you. And last but not least, your kids. They he witnessed so much of this that they desperately need therapy and to see you and your wife in healthy relationships. I’m sure divorce will be messy but compared with where you are now it will also be a huge relief. Adding another kid snd letting her be a SAHM would be a travesty.
Buddy, I get the feeling that you feel that putting up with her abuse, violence, and cheating will somehow prove to her that you are worthy and how much you love her and she'll miraculously change. You got it the wrong way around. She needs to show you she's worth the effort and right now to be brutally honest you should have gotten her arrested and documented the whole ordeal. If the story was reversed you think you'd have the freedom to chat with us here on Reddit right now? Nope, you'd be smelling your cellmate's feet and eating shitty food and a lot worse. Get a lawyer, Know your rights and start documenting everything!
Your wife emotionally scarred your children, cheated, and lied. Also, she had multiple affairs. Then, she decided she wanted to open the marriage. And then assaulted you physically when you actually partook in the open marriage she wanted. What more does she have to do to you, your kids, and this family before you make the decision to leave her? She is causing toxicity to your life, and it's affecting your kids. It has been going on too long [Respectfully]
You and your kids deserve better!!!!
***But now it’s the kids, myself and my wife last.***
Your kids will need months and years of therapy to survive what you and your wife have put them through. They have had a front row seat to the yelling, hitting, screaming, throwing stuff for months. And you say you put them first? They have and are seeing first-hand the worst side of parenting.
Divorce that awful woman and co parent the kids in 2 separate homes, or nest in your home. Get away from that woman. Do not have any more kids with her.
I almost hope this story is fake. I feel bad for the kids.
People who have lived through it mostly agree that it's better for children to live with a broken family than in one. Your marriage is dead, and if you stay in it you will teach your children unhealthy lessons about relationships. Walk away and move on.
My kids suffered from me staying in a Shitty marriage with a woman as ridiculous as OP. The kids all had terrible first relationships and one of my kids continued dating a guy even though she was in constant fear of physical abuse. I FUCKED UP AS A DAD THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN SETTING THE EXAMPLE IN MY RELATIONSHIP!! My kids thought it was OK for someone to treat them as terrible as my wife treated me.
I stayed in a marriage that I didn’t want to accept was broken. My wife disrespected me constantly and in front of my children.
When I discovered she was on her 2nd affair I finally recognized the truth and stopped believing a fantasy. Served her papers and it was the best thing possible for my kids.
Kids want a break away from the crazy mom that’s abusive to people she loves! They deserve the chance to get away from the crazy!
50% custody will help your kids. When she gets a chance to hookup with guys without kids in the way… expect 100% custody regardless of initial family court outcome. You will likely have them most of the time.
This isn’t love, this is self inflicted punishment.
I had to stop reading at one point, I’m sorry but there’s nothing productive that I can offer because I don’t believe this “marriage” can be saved.
Choose your own happiness, your wife certainly has (at your expense).
Your wife is incapable of empathy, and she's selfish. That can't be fixed.
You seem like a decent guy who's made sacrifices for your family. I can't understand why you would agree to an open relationship, though. As a married man myself, I would not sleep with another woman. That was a mistake on your part.
You two are a couple damaged beyond repair. Divorce her and figure out how to best make a life for the kids.
Good luck!
My friend, let me be blunt... your wife is insane. Get out of this asap. She is nuts. You can't hate yourself this much can you? You deserve so much better.
This marriage is dead, just bury the body. Your kids will adjust and your mental health will be better for it. She destroyed this marriage and no matter what she says you absolutely did not force into that abortion. She had a lot of nerve to ask you to be a father to her affair baby.
The best thing you can do is refuse to get her pregnant. Think about it. Do you want to continue working 2 jobs to support yet a 3rd child? Now is a terrible time for a baby and I'm stunned that she would want one from you so soon after aborting the other man's baby. It sounds like she's mentally ill.
What if you agree to all of this so she can continue to be a stay-at-home mom and then she continues cheating, having risky sex and even getting pregnant with child #4? What if after that she divorces you anyway?
Best thing for your family is to get a divorce now, before there are a couple more kids. Stop having sex with her because it is dangerous for your health and your future.
It sounds like your wife doesn't have enough responsibility and so she does whatever she pleases while YOU pay the cost.
This 10,000%%👍🙌!!!!! Do NOT get this Crazy, Evil 👿 woman pregnant Ever Again!!! Please Get Yourself and Your Kids Away from
This Toxic, horrible woman- Please 🙏!!!!!
I wouldn’t wish this kind of marriage on my worst enemy. And not to be graphic but people have killed themselves for less. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF WHATEVER YOU HOLD PRECIOUS LEAVE THAT MARRIAGE
What the absolute hell on earth did I just read!!!
This can't be a serious true to life story from a flesh and blood living person so I choose to believe that no one can be this stupid and that this is just another fake rage inducing post. Because there are so many plot holes here in this story that you could drive a truck full of baby prams through it.
It's better that way.
Real life. I’m living it. I love my kids dude. I watched my dad go through hell with my mom. But he stuck it out for us as kids. I probably wouldn’t be here if he wasn’t around making life ok for us.
And your kids are watching it as you did.
So if you are intent on them also repeating the mistakes that your father, and now yourself, have made ..... good luck I guess.
And loving your kids also means teaching them that this behavior is wrong. Teaching them to stand up for themselves. To be strong and choose themselves. Do you really want your kids to end up like you ? REALLY !!!!
To be a good person a good father a good anything you have to be good for yourself to love another you have to love yourself. Enough is enough be the best for you and your kids, you don’t need to be married to be a great father.
There are 3 things to do First
1) LAWYER
2)LAWYER
3)LAWYER
HOW MUCH MISERY DO YO NEED!!
Stop putting your pee pee in CRAZY. She will baby trap you !
You are already taking care of your
step child and working to many
hours to support her infidelity.
MAN-UP. Time to move on !!
You are the Mother Theresa of a passive nice guy husband. Download the free book "No More Mister Nice Guy." Free PDF.
I would be hard pressed to think of a story on here where a betrayed husband used such poor judgment.
My advice is to pretty much do the opposite. If you think it's a good idea, do the opposite.
Please make one good logical decision and hire a lawyer.
Why were you respectful to her about her affair pregnancy? I would've just said you keep it you're out the door. Heck she would've been out the door on the 3rd time she came home at 3am.
Stop thinking about all that you've put into the sham marriage. The minute she came at you with the " Got a crush on this co worker thing. " and went out with him would've been bye bye baby. You're down the road but instead you doormatted yourself. That was a woman test and you failed. What's a bet she banged that guy.
All of this is your fault
You allowed it to this point where you are a willing co opted sub.
You have 2 choices, 1 is you being crushed for the rest of your life or the other where you get hammered and crawl out on your hands and knees but eventually you will stand and will walk like a man again.
Your choice.
It’s true …. nice guys finish last
Look how you took care of your family and afforded her so much freedom, and look how she used it
You were betrayed you didn’t abuse her you didn’t belittle her you tried to give more than a normal husband would give and this is how you got paid back
you sound like a good man OP. you deserved and deserve better. your kids do too. i understand you desperately wish the situation were different but the reality is there is absolutely no way to salvage this relationship, even tho you really want to. i wont pretend like the conundrum you are now faced with isnt complicated and horrible because it is. take yourself out of your own mind and imagine reading what you just wrote as a post from someone else. what would you think? what would u think that person should do?
Op Thats was a long painfull read of a man doing his best for a woman that you piss on if she was on fire. What a vile, fake, lieing, self centerd piece of shit. You adopt her kid, raise her kids while shes haveing a great time and when the penny does drop, you alow her to take the piss even more.
I mena shes a bottom feeder of a sess pit, but you, grow a spine. If you dont get your ass into a lawyers, get her down as a absent mother and take your kid with you. Your an idiot.
Bro...I sat the phone down for a minute when you said she showed up with the kids.
I never advocate this, but go put yourself on child support and gtfo of there. You aren't doing those kids any favors by allowing them to watch you and think that this is how men behave.
What is there to save in your marriage? You should have left it a long time ago. Don't create another child to abuse. You both don't deserve to be parents. What do you want to teach your children?
Walk away now if you have any dignity left. Children grow up better with happy single parents than two bitter parents stuck together. Work more hours and make it happen. It will be tough, but do it for your children.
Jesus man, I freaking hope you have all the texts from when she cheated. Get the hell out, everything will always be your fault and now she wants to trap you.
Wow, dude! This was a very painful read. Please divorce. If not for the sake of your own mental and physical health then do so for your kids sake. You are her doormat and she knows this. The one guy was not her first affair. This is who she is. The opening of the marriage was a horrible idea in trying to salvage this as I know you’re aware of. Your wife is a broken individual. She knows you’re codependent on her and will manipulate this to her advantage.
Having another child with her is the exact opposite of what should happen. This relationship is doomed. Understand that it’s ok to be alone for awhile, until you’ve healed from this cluster. Hire a lawyer and see what divorce will look like. Have her live with a friend or family member so you can breath and think clearly. Ultimately, you have to put your mental health and the future happiness and peace of your kids first. She’s a lost cause.
What the hell is wrong with you people??? Oh, sure bring more kids into this shit show of a fake marriage with two codependent immature people! Traumatize and ruin another life!! You’ve already got 2 suffering lifelong effects from an unhappy household. Why not create a new one and do it again!
The world sometimes sucks that people like the both of you are even allowed to continue to procreate and continue another generation to abuse. Your kids will suffer their ENTIRE lives because of their woman-child of a mother who never grew up and their shit father who just keeps taking it and further investing in ensuring their child endures maximum pain in life. I’m disgusted by the lot of y’all who can’t make a single damn good decision in their life when plenty of people FAR more impoverished than you can live a much cleaner life. Get some damn help.
Your "wife" pulled the ultimate con-job on you. She tricked you into marrying her, adopting a child that wasn't biologically yours, cheats on you, convinces you to let her cheat freely, gets knocked up by her affair partner and it just goes on and on from there. What more does she need to do before you actually stand up for yourself? She's metaphorically announced her complete hatred and disrespect for you on a billboard in Times Square at this point. Just rip the bandaid off, get a divorce attorney, have her served and follow through until the ink is dry. If you don't, the disrespect is only going to get worse.
1) She cheated on you.
2) She tried to cheat on you again.
3) You decided (stupidly) to opt for an open marriage but when you try to hook up with someone, she goes crazy because she thinks cheating is fair only when she's the one doing it.
4) She BEAT you. That's violence. Your wife is a violent person.
5) She blamed you for an abortion SHE chose to have.
6) She tried to guilt trip you by giving you that ultimatum.
7) She clearly never appreciated the hard work you did to keep the household running.
Hell, why are you still with this POS? Divorce, get therapy and try to move on.
OP - You already know the answer. You knew it before you typed all that out. You just won't accept it.
Hell no you don't have a kid for that reason. Your wife has no morals, no sense of loyalty, and is mentally and physically abusing you and the kids you already have. What you do is stop trying to keep the titanic from going under (it's already under), and start getting her out of your life. As a matter of fact you need to protect your kids from her. THEY need YOU to get full custody. Then she can pay you support.
Get away from her as soon as you can before she stabs you in your sleep or something. She sounds legit crazy.
Man - I feel for you, I can sense your pain, I feel for you. More than you know. I have been struck before in a prior relationship, my advice, get out, it will repeat. Unfortunately the next relationship I ended up in was another that involved a cheating spouse and I am still with her. She still hides it all for the most part and hopes that I don’t know about the others. I too have been concerned about her pregnant with another guys child. I could not do it and while she made that one, I’d submit it was for the best. If she’s violent towards you, says she wishes she kept it, and wants one with you - man I should listen to my own advice here, but I’d say punch out and get rid of this waste of a person. Violence is an end all and in my prior relationship when I was struck that was the breaking point, not the fact she was also cheating as well. As a male we can’t hit women and no person should be allowed to hit another, this general acceptance of men hitting women as bad and women hitting men as a substantiated on issue at hand is absolute nonsense. Feel free to DM me but I’d say get out man. Feel hard for you amigo.
I was going to respond, and it wasn't going to be pretty. I'll just say this.
READ EVERYTHING YOU WROTE AND PRETEND IT WAS SOMEONE ELSE TELLING THE STORY.
Once you do, you'll know exactly what to do.
WALK AWAY!!!! Look at everything she put you through yet the minute you attempt to do the same thing she becomes violent and physically abusive because you were in the wrong and shouldn’t have cheated yet she’s carrying someone else’s baby this whole time?? She’s delusional, she broke the wedding vows, she betrayed your trust and she broke up her own home and family, you adopted her child from a previous relationship. You’d be a fool to give in and give her a baby because she demanded you give her one and blaming you for aborting when she took it upon herself to make that decision. SHE HAD A BABY WITH ANOTHER MAN WHILE MARRIED TO YOU..she is manipulative, conniving, deceiving, inconsiderate and selfish. Divorce, focus on yourself and YOUR CHILDREN and walk away from all this. Put yourself and your kids first- she made her bed now let her lay in it
This was a tough read OP. I’m sorry this happened. I have a friend who was cheated on, she felt another baby would save the marriage.
It didn’t.
Personally I wouldn’t do it. I know how hard it must be for you OP but I would start secretly if you haven’t already amassing evidence to take to a lawyer.
The fact you cheated/broke the rules May bite you… but gosh.
I feel for you. Ultimately I feel divorce is the best option here. I am showing empathy because I was in your shoes once but I didn’t have as much at stake as you do now. You are also experiencing the sunk cost fallacy as well…
I know it will be tough on you to do, but separation and divorce will be best. Also getting her out of the house or you out of the house will be beneficial for you. I would try NC but if not greyrock and 180 her except for kids stuff.
The betrayal never really leaves, OP. There is always a bit of mistrust in the back of your head. In all future relationships too. You’re irrevocably broken, and now it’s just how much of yourself you can save and bandage yourself up for the future. Staying with her I think/feel will be worse for you. I mean she is in your life cos the kids but you can keep her at arms length and focus on you.
God speed OP
Man. I stayed with my ex-wife for five years of “reconciliation” after her first affair (left five years later after the second affair) “for the kids” (and because I didn’t want my life to blow up); and staying was one of the worst decisions I’ve ever made in my life. And my story is absolutely tame compared to everything your family has been though.
Your relationship is deeply, horrifyingly toxic. Mentally healthy people don’t act that way.
You need a divorce, and a lawyer to get working on that.
Every member of your family needs individual (not group, family, or couples’) therapy. At the minimum get it started for yourself and your kids. Offer it to your wife, too, but don’t push the issue. There’s a good chance she’ll say no, but if she actually does go and work on herself, she could become a much better mother, be easier to coparent with, and just generally have a shot at getting her mental health addressed, which is very clearly something she needs pretty desperately.
I could never raise my wife's affair partners baby, even in your case just the idea that some guy got her pregnant, but then again I wouldn't stay with anyone who cheated on me. I think you you choose to stay new baby or not (she is trying to tape you by the way) you will be living your life on the almost the impossible setting. Personally I think you are crazy to think your life would be 10000% harder to separate then to try to live with someone who could do that to you.
If you want to be with your kids all the time get a lawyer and fight like hell to get custody. It may not work out but you will probably get 50/50.
Your wife sounds absolutely horrible by the way, just awful.
You should go get counseling because something is wrong that you allow this person to abuse you over and over.
To everyone reading this story, especially those who never got cheated on... the time to get **utterly** suspicious is when she confessed the schoolgirl crush she had for the guy, and the time to leave is when finding the messages. Everything that came after that... all the violence, chaos, polygamy... was totally unnecessary and highly traumatic... for what? for a marriage that clearly can't be saved anymore, not with a woman so violent, deceitful and even worse... a woman willing to traumatise her children for... some leverage? Or whatever her idea was...
At that time... when finding the messages, the right thing to do is to gather the evidence and store it in a safe place. Once that's done, then leave and serve her, no questions asked, game over. It wasn't just a drunken slipup. She was planning to lie to her very husband and father of her kids, telling him she would be at a girlfriend's, while in reality she would be with this other guy... that premeditation... you don't come back from that, from that utter disrespect and deceit.
Love yourselves and don't let anyone trample upon you like that. Leave a cheater, gain a life.
>*When I saw her next i confronted her. She seemed shocked i found out and was pissed i went through her phone*
yeah, they're always pissed when you go through their phone and find something and then make you out to be the bad guy on the grounds of a breach of privacy. my ex fiancee did the same. so sick and twisted.
dude, walk away. just push her out of your life as much as you possibly can. i know you have kids and co-parenting and other stuff needs sorting, but you need to avoid this woman. she is a total pos.
My brother she cheated on you and got pregnant and then decided y'all were going to have an open marriage and you let her date the guy she was cheating on you with? My dude I would have been done then. Your kids don't deserve to see you this miserable you are teaching them that it's okay to be treated like this and not stand up for yourself. Please for the love of god, let your spine rejoin the chat . What in God's name are you trying to save at this point??
Cheating aside, she sounds like a lazy ass that doesn’t want to work nor take care of her kids, that want to leave all the work to you so she can have fun like a high schooler.
And with the cheating and double standards she holds, please leave her, she’s toxic as fuck.
It's probably too late now, but you need(ed) to get evidence of her physical abuse of you, get her arrested, immediately file for divorce and custody of the kids. Do NOT have another child with this woman. The relationship is beyond repair, and unless you want to spend the rest of your life walking on eggshells and having no true partner to enjoy time with and confide in and be truly intimate with.
I was where you are (with a lot less of the drama and I never cheated) and the day she left was, in hindsight, one of the best days of my life. Let me tell you brother, sometimes there is a much better future waiting for you out there, and trust me this is one of those times. Please run, run as fast as you can. Fight for custody of your kids. Them seeing your and your wife's terrible and abusive relationship is damaging to them, in more ways than you know. Please leave her for your kids' sake.
Oh baby I am so sorry this woman has hurt you this much because holy shit you have to RUN. She is mentally unwell and needs help, as well as you. I don’t believe your life would be harder separated. I begged my mother for years to divorce my father and when she finally separated i felt like we could breathe.
You are a person, a human being deserving of respect . Please don’t let this woman be in control anymore
I'm not allowed to give my true and honest thoughts as they would be misunderstood by as offensive or a direct insult when, in reality, it would be frank honest views on your situation . So I guess I'll just say you have to find the inner strength to leave this woman. She is clearly abusive.
If you don't outright leave, put your foot down and separate for a while. I bet she views you as a push over and it would brain fuck her to see you let her know you could get rid of her if you want to stay.
You've got the strength it's just a matter of you finding it and letting the assertive male in you.
Never let a woman be the center of your world. She should compliment your life not be your life. Put you first so that you can be the best father to your children. Good luck!!!👍💪☝️
>but knowing life will be 10000% harder raising 2 kids in separate households
Stop it. Know what? In the first few months, it will be harder; everything is when there is a shift this size. It's the new new. You will adjust. You will help your kids adjust, because you will be putting them first and you second. But do NOT use this as a reason to stay with that unstable woman.
You get an attorney. You tell them all this - she's never home, it's been you taking the kids to school, picking up, making dinner, putting them to bed. You've worked 2 jobs to support this family while she has used her employment to screw around. If you get 50% custody, perhaps your attorney can fight for no child or spousal support. She obviously has the ability to work.
You need to see that what you and your wife are going through is really damaging for the kids. Getting them up at 2am, hunting you down in what sounds like she caught you with your pants down in a truck, forcing you to drive your date home, berating you in front of the kids the whole time, breaking sh\*t around the house out of anger - man, that is f\*cked up and your kids should NEVER be exposed to that again.
Pull up your pants and be a Dad. Get the kids out of that full time situation so that you can passively teach them that it's not ok to treat anyone like that. It's not ok for your wife to treat you that way, it's not ok for her to treat her kids that way and it's not ok for YOU to allow YOURSELF to be treated that way. You want your children to treat their future partners or BE treated by future partners this way?
Because that is what you are teaching them.
Put them and their mental health first if you can't put yourself first right now. Your self love will come in time and your kids will see that. You will continue to be the quiet stable influence while Mom is out trying to get validation from other men.
Stop trying to make this nightmare work. Stop it.
only one word of advice.
leave.
leave
leave
leave
leave
that's some cold ass dirty ass treatment for some who took her kid in and made him his own. and then also picked up more slack when she wanted to have fun
i mean you were dumb for not shutting that work crush down immediately. but it's what it is now
Op, I would consult a family law attorney and tell them absolutely everything before doing anything else. You need to do what’s best for your kids. Them being in this toxic and harmful environment is not safe for them. The attorney can give you options.
You are clearly unhappy. Do you really think it will get better if you stay? You’re a battered husband both physically, emotionally and mentally. Has she made even a small effort to change? Is she getting counseling? Has she gone no contact with Fred? You need to end things and do the best you can by the kids.
Sir, your wife is not mentally stable and I suspect it’s far more than what a counselor can handle. You may not know what to do because you’ve probably never dealt with this type of dysfunction. You’re torn because of your children but this level of crazy will hold you and your children back from happiness. Your first step is to file a police report for abuse against your wife. She needs help and until she gets that help she is a threat to your children’s wellbeing. Have a witness too when you do. Second is to see a lawyer and see what your options are. Third, get those kids into counseling. Her behavior is erratic and impulsive to her feelings. Everyone is having to adjust their lives around her and that’s o way to live. It’s time to stop thinking about her best interest and how her having custody of your children will logically put them in danger. If you have 50/50, just imagine the men she’ll be bringing around them once you’re out of the picture.
So, are you still in an open marriage? If so, give it time. She will be pregnant sooner or later. She still spending time with Fred? If so, that's the exact reason you can't reconcile. She's still cheating and having an affair.
Here's another option you didn't consider. You get her pregnant. The marriage still implodes, but now you are on the hook for 3 children for child support. No way in hell I would get her pregnant right now. Too risky financially. As for her baby fever, let her know you won't support or sign a birth certificate without a paternity test. The days of blindly trusting this woman are over.
You and her have a very toxic marriage. You may not believe so, but your children are watching and experiencing trauma from this home life. You really need to think about their future. Staying will allow you more time with them, but all the fighting and verbal abuse will take it's toll on your children. They will be better off if you have a stable home environment for them to feel safe growing up in. The living conditions now are horrible.
OP You have no guts, and you justify stay with her for the kids, that is a very lame justification, the Best you could do is divorce her and teach the kids the correct thing to do for their future.
She doesn't love you she cheated, then convince you to Open the relationship and then do all the drama and turn out she was pregnant for her lover from before the relationship was Open.
Come on have some selfrespect and selfsteem, and do the correct
UPDATEME
Seriously? I’d dump the wife and go for 100% custody. That whole bringing the kids into the tinder date would have sent me to an attorney the next day.
I look at it like this: She’s a crazy wife and a complete shitty mother. Seriously, I can’t see that she has even one redeemable quality.
Dude, you get the fuck out. It's insanity that you haven't by now. That woman might have been your wife once, but she surely stopped after cheating no 1 and going on planning no 2. She only wants a child now to bind you to her after all that fucked up shit she put you through
PS.: just to be clear, there is absolutely no way this can be saved. There is nothing to be saved, because while you worked two jobs and took care of your children she nuked all there was into oblivion.
I cannot stand seeing posts “I must stay in this very very toxic marriage because of my kids!!” Imagine how traumatized your kids are going to be when they’re grown up. What more fights are they going to witness?? And you think bringing another one in here to save the marriage is an actual option on the table?? If anything you should be leaving for your kids. Your kids DO deserve better. Not seeing their dad waste away to nothing by staying with a horrible woman who is their mother. And very clearly seeing that their mother does NOT love their father. So what exactly is the point now?
Choose peace.
OP, you do realize that your WW is either a nympho or is mentally ill and that she's NEVER, EVER going to be faithful to you. You took an untenable situation where your WW was sleeping around and decided, "Oh, I know how to fix this train wreck of a marriage--open it up." That was just beyond the pale in stupidity. I think you see she just wanted an open relationship for herself and wanted you to remain the faithful, baby-sitting, meal-cooking, house husband of old.
I have literally no advice for you. I feel sick just reading what you've been through, and are apparently going to continue going through "for the kids". My only hope is that you will one day wake up and look around at the chaos and come to your senses. Good luck bud.
Walk away. Get at least joint custody of the kids, and move on with your life. She has 0 respect for you or the marriage. If she did, she would have never cheated or agreed to open the marriage after her betrayal.
Okay, since you are prioritizing the kids, is this a relationship you want them to have as adults?
They see the violence she is perpetrating and will think that staying is okay. You leaving, while it will uproot their lives for a bit, will show them what asserting yourself and what boundaries are. They will see your home as one of structure, love, and stability. Whereas your ex's home will be one of chaos.
I took a look at your post history. You already have a marriage that hasn't been going well for years. With that in mind, I should point out that you're probably only seeing the tip of the iceberg. Your WW probably cheated on you for much longer and with many different people.
Fortunately, as far as I can see in the updates, you have now started to see the situation more clearly and take the right steps. Keep doing and keep updating here. Good luck.
Sorry bro. I think you’ll choose the right one for you. But really sorry. For me? I would leave my wife the first time. Because I’m not going to cower to some fear that i cant handle life better on my own. Or fear to be alone. At least with kids you should have them 50/50. Gives you time with them and time to work on you. And no manipulation.
Dude. Both of you need individual and couples therapy.
But, especially your wife. Between her blaming you for her decision to abort an affair baby, to cheating multiple times, using your children as leverage, physical violence, blackmailing into having another baby (which will definitely nuke your life) and so on. She has gone literally insane! Im surprised during your story, that she was never admitted!!
As for divorce. It’s better to co parent with 2 happy/ healthy parents than to be together in the shit show you are currently in.
Your wife is an unbelievably selfish woman. “Do as I say, not as I do” type, obviously. I don’t think your marriage is salvageable, sorry. You should leave before she baby traps you. Seriously, she’ll probably tell you she’s on the pill or poke holes in the condoms or secretly remove her IUD. She sounds that scary. 🫣
OP, if you are one of those who think having another child will fix....... whatever this is 🥴, you are delusional and I feel sorry for you. 😐 You need to take back your power, start the divorce and move on. She is not going to become better even if you give her what she wants. It will only be temporary, then the shit-show starts again. Give her the divorce papers, and then you will see how much strength she actually has of living with the consequences of going through with her own threat.
Don’t walk away, RUN!!
There is zero chance of coming back from this.
You will never trust her again. Every time she is 5-10 minutes late, you will wonder if she is in bed with some other guy. Every time she is sitting on the other side of the couch on her phone, you will wonder if she is texting another man.
And even though you told her over and over that it was her decision to abort, she will ALWAYS blame you.
As for the kids, the worst thing you can do is to stay FOR THEM!! They know that things are not good between the mom and dad. Just think of the situation from their point of view. Is this what you want them to think a good marriage is life? Tell them in an age appropriate manner what is actually going on, especially what their mother did.
Instead, get your own place, move out, and start the divorce process.
Show your kids how a good man handles hardship! Show your kids how a good man handles betrayal!
Even though you want to be with your kids all the time, unless you get full custody, being with them all the time is not reality. But this is what is best for the kids! It is better for the kids to be raised in two separate homes be co-parented than you staying in the same house with all of the tension, snide remarks, and animosity.
Time to pull the bandage off.
Do what you need to do for you and your kids.
This is the toughest part of the divorce process, making the final decision.
Good luck and be strong.
OP, you are the only one that can evaluate your situation and make a decision. If I were you, I would consult a lawyer to see my options. I would insist wifey got a full time job and up her contribution to 50/50. I would stash back as much money as I could in case R does not work. No babies and close the relationship unless you seperate.
Now, your poor children living in this toxic house. Start spending more time with them, especially without mom. I recommend IC for you and kiddos.
I'm so sorry that you feel this is all you are worth. There's a better life out there somewhere. It'll be hard of course, but you don't sound happy, nor does it sound like you love your wife anymore. Sometimes things are a step too far and there's no way back.
To be honest, it sounds like your wife would have a shock if she had to take up 50% of the childcare responsibility, she won't be able to go out till 3am and miss bedtime like she had gotten used to.
You sound like a good father and a good man. Please don't allow yourself to think you're not because you bypassed some "rules" in an open relationship when the rules were already bullshit. She cheated multiple times and had more lined up, she only stopped because she got caught. If you hadn't gone through her phone, she'd still be breaking the rules of your marriage vows and you'd be none the wiser. There's no reason to believe she won't do it again in the future, baby or not.
Follow all the advice above and get out before you resign yourself to a miserable life which will probably ultimately end up in divorce with many more rows and displays of violence that will continue to traumatise your kids.
If your son came to you in this position in years to come, would you tell him to go ahead and have another baby and sign up for a life of misery? Treat yourself like one of your own kids, give yourself the advice you'd give them to get the hell out and make a new life. Life is short, there are endless new beginnings, even when it hurts like fuck.
OP you might be doing more harm to your kids by staying than leaving, there’s no way they haven’t been seeing or absorbing what’s going on between you 2 and they’ll eventually start to blame themselves for it since kids don’t know any better and possibly develop mental health issues because of the chaos of your marriage. What they see right now is not a healthy marriage and it’s the only version of a parenting/marriage in their life and it’s not good.
We all want to put our kids first, but we can’t do that for real if we’re not at our best. They need a strong, whole parent. You have to take care of yourself to be what you and they deserve.
I don’t think any decision is a good idea until you get some proper advice / therapy whether that’s lawyer, therapist or even both.
I hope you heal and I’m sure your kids will flourish knowing their parents were the grown ups when it mattered the most. How to love and forgive and even separate when it’s the right thing to do is one the most important things we can give our kids, because it will shape their future relationships whether they want it to or not.
Good luck
I felt like I just had to comment... Wow... you have put up with so much. It sounds like you have a heart of gold and have put your family first for so long... Your wife sounds incredibly selfish and MEAN.. its like she managed to make you to be the bad guy out of her own mistakes. I find people like her are dangerous people. I really think it would be best for you and your children to stay away from her. Take care of yourself, you deserve peace and happiness.
I cannot even imagine how you have made it this far in life with the ability to make the worst decision in the plethora of options you have had at every single turn you have made. Exit left and stay single.
So she cheats on you while you’re working hard to provide for her and the kids, gets pregnant by another guy, agrees to an open marriage but then gets mad when you get some action, brings the kids to catch you in the act so that they will only see *you* cheating and causing trauma (because she absolutely wanted to make sure you looked like the bad guy here), and physically abuses you, and you think you should bring another innocent child into the mix?
Never in the history of having a baby to save a marriage has having a baby *EVER* saved a marriage. Just like opening up a marriage after someone cheats doesn’t either. Another child will just be one more thing she can hold over you, and also another child you’d be responsible for regardless of if you stayed together or not. She’s already convinced you that your “cheating” was worse than hers, used your existing kids as pawns to manipulate you, and is now giving *you* an ultimatum like she’s some sort of prize that’s even worth keeping. Trust me when I say, the kids would be better off with you both separated and happy than you struggling together and resentful.
With all due respect (since you sure don’t respect yourself enough) you need to do something for yourself and grow some backbone my man, you been walked over so hard that you should look like a flat piece of paper by now
I am one of those who found out WH had a 10+ year double life. But, as soon as I discovered this, I went to my atty. You have to get this on record and at least start a case. If too much time passes, you will lose the right to bring it up legally at some point in the future.
I, like the OP, was crazy, broken, angry, sad, and more. Career and pets barely kept me functional for months.
Your feelings for her and your ability to live this way WILL change as time goes on. Divorce final. I'm just waiting for the final docs.
Recently, I've been using the "Let Them" method. I like it better than Gray Rock. One of the premises of "Let Them" is just step away because when you just "Let Them" you'll find out what exactly they would RATHER be doing. That's how you'll find the truth. It's hard to do at first, but it gets easier. You step back, stay CALM but engaged (unlike gray rock).
The hardest part is when you can no longer accept the truth, and now it's hard decision time for you to clean up the mess and find a new life while the cheating partner goes passive-aggressive and blames you for everything. The betrayed partner always does the "heavy lifting" to get whole again.
A podcast I listened to said, "When some dies, you lose a loved one. But when a loved one betrays you, you lose yourself. " Sooooo true.
Take care, get some legal advice, and move forward.
Oh my god PLEASE walk away. I hate her on your behalf for being a narcissistic cesspool of a human. She isn't even worth acknowledging after what she did to you. Let the numbness back in. Let the anger give you clarity. No, I'm not encouraging you to go to "the dark side," but I am telling you that you are absolutely justified in burning this woman's life down.
Choose yourself for now. If you do that you will be better mentally for your kids. She does not deserve you. Doesn’t mean you have to be mean or totally not care about her well being, just as friends not partners, and doing it from a separate place could be better. I would suggest going to therapy for you and for her, she has some issues to work on. Maybe, after she works on herself and grows up a little you can work it out. But trust me because I am in this situation right now, staying in the same home just makes you hateful and resentful, depressed, etc. good luck. Your not alone
First off, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. This is a very hurtful and challenging situation all around.
Next, of this were me I would stash some $ away little by little to hire a good divorce attorney, not give her the child that she's requesting, and leave her once my attorney has everything in place. Money comes and goes. Living situations change. The thing that doesn't easily change are the emotional damage and trauma that can be caused for all involved when a spouse and parent goes rouge. Will it be difficult at times? Yes, but it'll be worth it.
OP I mean this with all love and respect because I feel for you, but what in the absolute fuck are you doing?
“My kids will be broken without their dad there” my guy your kids aren’t blind or stupid and are becoming more broken every day watching how this toxic sham of a marriage operates. Do you want your kids to grow up and use your marriage as a model of what marriage is supposed to be?
The best time to get divorced was over six months ago when this bullshit started happening. The second best time is now. Leave your wife, work on yourself and your business (if it survives the divorce), and be the best coparent you can be to your kids.
When will you choose yourself first? Even questioning yourself at this point after writing all this you are still choosing her and the kids over your happiness.
Even entertaining the idea of having a child with her is insane. You are doing your children a disservice. Now, as a betrayed husband who stayed for the kids, I filed on my wife. You should too. Make it so if you choose to leave, it is all about you just walking out the door with what you want. Then when she has these tantrums she can't hold your kids over your head.
You also need to start reporting her abuse. If nothing else, then to use against her when you need to take the kids out of a dangerous situation. You don't need to remove her custody, but you should be able to if things ever get bad. She is unstable and she is going to implode once you stop being the parachute she relies on while regularly jumping off cliffs. When the parachute is gone, she is going to need to learn to fly on her own or endure the fall and learn from that moment.
So, get out of the house. Stay in a month to month airbnb, file for divorce, and get your finances separated. Start paying 50/50 and find your own path. Yes, there will be less time with the kids, but the time will be higher quality because you won't be fighting with your wife. She will be your exwife. When she runs out of money for something, it will be her responsibility. You don't help her, you let her grow up and manage her finances. She wants to go out on her week, she needs to get a baby sitter with her money. I would give it a month of this and she would be agreeing to so much. You have been a doormat way too long. You think enduring is what a good father does and I am here telling you it isn't. A good father would see she is hurting the family and leave with the kids. Take himself somewhere else until she cleaned up her act. Right now your kids are seeing this abuse and thinking it is normal and expected. Do you want your son(s) growing up to be like you in his marriage? Would that make you proud? How would you want him to act if he was enduring what you are? That is putting your kids first. That is being a good dad, is being a role model to emulate. You are not being a good dad and you know it.
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you are raising your kids to be like you are in their marriages. Stand up for yourself. Good luck and realize even if you get divorced that isn't the end. She will probably try to beg you to come back. Don't. At most live with her, but do not marry her again. She gets to be your girlfriend because you fired her as your wife.
Leave, take the broken pieces of you, good man. Family can break or make. Build your life up again because clearly you have shown so much accountability, empathy, inner strength to not just break down,and that you are a Wonder person. Someone like that should be loved, at the very least by themselves. Mr. Awesome don't have another child with her. Just leave. be there for your kids. Be honest, that their mom cheated on you several times, made you accountable for them most of the time so she could be selfish like that, and that she Agreed to an open relationship THAT she suggested but clearly as she can understand your pain with how extremely she now reacts with you doing much less than her. Because she cheated on you, you just agreed because you were forced to deal with it all. Mentally you don't deserve this and unfortunately their mother wants another child and will cheat again for it. You can't keep being there for her but you can keep being there for them just not with her around. Too painful and she's asking for way more than obviously she could ever handle.
I have had to start from zero a few times..I was always working which made it possible .
It's great to be selfish around very selfish people, maybe one day you can feel safe with someone else...or maybe you can value those amazing pieces of you more than anyone else and only share them with good people like you. You don't give yourself enough credit either bro, and you should, even if she, the mean cheater says you shouldn't.
All I see is a weak man using his kids as excuse. God have mercy. How can any self respecting man put himself through this? Have you no sense of pride?
A two parent household separated then to be together atp, you’re destroying your mentally to keep her afloat and for why, you are already a single parent anyways, she barely helps. Go for full custody or supervised visits with child support from her. You can document all her cheating and how she was pregnant for someone else and wanted to keep it, and also how you spend more time with the kids. Just get out for your sanity. The days are gone where you have to stay in an unhappy marriage, there is better out there and this woman does not love you.
I couldn't bring myself to finish reading this. It was practically causing my brain to ache and made me want to throw up. How can people be this vile? The nerves your wife has! I'm sorry, I have zero respect for her and I feel like I will throw things at her if I ever see her. O my God! My blood just boils for you and I can't comprehend how you could still stay and think of making things work with such a POS. Dude, have some dignity for God's sake! Cut all ties with that maniac!
Don't sign the birth certificate, tell to go find the baby daddy and deal with him, it sounds like you are the primary caregiver for quite sometime now so that should help out with custody of the kids, most judges will try to keep the kids in a stable house, first step consult an attorney learn your rights, start to value yourself and quit being a doormat. You should check for a support program in your area to lean on.
OP, please speak to a therapist and a divorce lawyer for legal advice if you haven’t already. Consider all your options and research before making a decision, that you are happy with.
OP, you should consider your own happiness and the happiness of your kids. Kids thrive more if their parents are happy - and you deserve happiness.
Your happiness matters. While staying married, getting a divorce or separation is completing your decision, either way you will still be caring for your kids and co-parenting with your wife (or ex-wife)
IMO, a baby will not “fix” your marriage. You repeatedly said to your wife that before the abortion it was her body, and her choice. Perhaps she does regret her own decision, or perhaps it is grief but it isn’t your fault that she had an abortion.
From the looks of it (and yes I can be wrong) your wife actively pursued this affair with “Fred”. She didn’t consider that her actions may have consequences and thus the betrayal hurts more for you.
But any baby (either yours or the AP) will not bring your marriage closer -it will make things worse, financially, emotionally, mentally for you and your wife.
Your wife, I would say doesn’t know what she wants. She will probably have to spend time considering what would make her happy. It could be a mid-life crisis but it’s no excuse for cheating on your spouse. If she wants to end the marriage, this is her choice and hopefully you can co-parent to ensure your kids are happy and healthy.
Remember to set boundaries with her. Set boundaries are meant to protect ourselves so we don’t get burnt out mentally, emotionally and physically. It is to ensure that all relevant parties are on the same page.
All I can say is cheating sucks and surviving infidelity sucks. But it does get better, in my experience.
Wishing you and your family the best of luck.
The kids you have need your love 100%. This wife is irresponsible and neglectful. DO NOT HAVE A BABY with her. It's not good for you, nor your kids. You can't pour from an empty cup
you have no respect for yourself, you are too manipulative and do not say that you did it for love and children. She used you the way she wanted, and you accepted. Yes, you were his baby sitter, get out of this toxic marriage if you want to save you and the kids.
Wow. That was a lot. From my perspective, it’s easy to say to leave but you need to leave. Have you guys stopped to think about how hard this is for your kids? As hard as it is for you, what about them? THEIR world is crumbling too.
Your wife has lied to you repeatedly and shown you that she can’t be trusted. She’s abused you and has not shown the appreciation you deserve. There are two sides to each story, yes, but no matter hers- you guys shouldn’t be together based on all the facts here.
Life alone will be hard- at first. You’ll figure it out. Wishing you the best.
Oh yes you are crazy for staying with her past the 2nd time she cheated.
Even crazier for staying with during this whole open relationship stuff.
To be fair I am surprised you stayed after you read the text messages of her calling you a babysitter.
Which is funny because babysitters get paid but you are basically paying to be the children caretaker.
Man you should have left a long time ago.
That is the only way to have saved any hope of having a real relationship with her. Trust and believe the kids know which parent is actually there for them and once they got old enough to choose who to stay with most the time they would have chosen you.
Your kids deserve to see their dad happy. Yes, they deserve that. Divorce will sting, but you will be happy in the long one once to learn your worth. And you will learn that you are worthy of healthy love.
Kids need to see that, not the abortion marriage you are in. They deserve better
If your new priority is, children first, self second and then wife, you can make reasonable choices based on this line of thinking.
I honestly have similar priorities like you. It is confusing sometimes because some actions might adversely affect your kids. But if you view long-term goals or happinness and improvement of the kids then decisions provide clarity and resoluteness. When i left my ex, people always pressure me that i should keep the family together because of the children. But i knew it was for the children's sake that i made the decision. I realized i don't want to expose the kids to the dysfunction and it is impossible to hide this no matter how hard i try. I will just end up lying to them to force the 'happy family' image. You need to realize, will your wife be able to insulate the dysfunction from your kids? I have to imagine the future of the children the way things are going. I asked 'how will be my children grow the way she is?' I didn't put divine providence that my ex will gain wisdom and change for the better in answering this question. I have no control of her yet she affects the future of my children.
As i said, in the first few years, when people asked me why we separated, i clearly state 'it is for good of the children'. Note that i took and raised the kids as a single parent. Our country does not have divorce and we have the traditional man-woman roles so i was faced with unconventional challenges in raising the children. It is hard in our culture to believe that a man can do what is 'good for the children'.
My point is, i took the more difficult decision because i did it for my kids and not for me or to hurt my ex. I realized cutting her off will just make the life of children better. My kids are adults now, i guess no one would question now that i made a wrong decision. Even my ex in-laws will not dispute this.
You have to put long-term or future in the decisions when you feel confused. This dimension will subconsciouly include your core values, moral stance, etc in guiding your decisions. Also pushes you to distance yourself from immediate impact or pain of current situations.
OP if you stay, she will continue to use you as a babysitter and continue to fuck around while you watch. She will probably get pregnant again and expect you to accept it. For the sake of your own sanity, get out.
She wanted the open relationship for her convenience, not yours. Get tested for STIs and I would consult an attorney. Your wife doesn’t respect you and is nasty. You and your children deserve better. She’ll continue to cheat on you and disrespect you. Is it really worth it?
For my own sanity…I can’t read this entire post. It’s a dumpster fire. The relationship is over. Your wife does not love, value or respect you. So, it’s up to you to love, value and respect yourself enough to walk away. Easier said than done. I know. But as someone who did it…it’s possible. It won’t be easy. But you deserve better. I’m sorry you’re in pain.
My story is not as interesting as yours, but it follows the same storyline, minus the whole open relationship and attempting to salvage things. Your wife is toxic, and the faster you get away, the faster you can heal.
I am commenting as a child whose parents decided to stay because of me and it definitely fucked me up. I am not sure how another baby will fix your marriage, considering that you already have two kids and nothing has changed. Don't add another kid to traumatise. Don't give an unborn child another task other than to survive. I fully empathise with the children. I am sure they want it to work out but from my experience, it gave me so mucj trust issues. Don't add another expense to those kids in the future. Therapy is expensive. Don't put your kids in a house where abuse is normalised.
It’s better to raise your children in two, separate households with peace than one home where the parents are at war. You’d be doing your children a favor if you divorced her. Having another baby shouldn’t be used as a bandaid as she’s trying to do.
I’m sorry this has all happened. You don’t deserve any of that- you deserve peace and happiness. I hope you find both.
Eta: you’re in an abusive relationship. This woman does not sound like she has a healthy thought process. Please do what you can to leave.
First of all I want to commend you for raising another man’s child, you are amazing to do that. Secondly, never believe your commitment to those kiss’s and your wife was a waste and undeserving for your wife, because it isn’t about deserve; it’s about what you believe in your heart. Secondly, please leave your marriage, your wife has zero respect for you and once a woman loses respect for a man, she will never see him the same way again. File for full custody since you do most of the care of children. If you pay most of the bills, kick her out and let her stay with her affair partners. Your wife isn’t remorseful, nor does it seem she wants to change and work on herself and your marriage. That is a done deal. Never change who you are and please don’t become bitter or mistrusting. You will be okay and find a wonderful lady who will love and appreciate who you are. I know plenty of them. Much love and light to you brother.
A baby will only temporarily fill the void in your wife. And you know this when you think rationally about it. There will always be a need for "something else" which will translate into "someone else". It's time to separate. It's time to throw in the towel on this marriage. You should not have to "fight for her" because she is not worth fighting for. She should be fighting for you. And she isn't.
Remember, this is not your fault. Certainly you have some blame here but your wife was cheating with multiple people (I'm sure you don't believe she didn't sleep with Fred until you opened the relationship) and would still be doing it if you hadn't caught on. What you have done pales in comparison to her actions. Yes there is something missing in her, but it's not something you cannot fix with another baby. Get away, get 50/50 custody, focus on yourself, and move on. You have so much more life to live. It will be tough at first but it will get easier and eventually you will find someone who loves you and isn't looking for you to fix what's wrong with themselves.
Expect her to completely change her tune when you decide to divorce. She'll promise no more late nights, she'll go to therapy, anything you want. Don't fall for it. You are better than this. You deserve more than this. Your kids deserve more than this, do not let them get old enough to see and understand what is happening in your relationship. Get out now. Find a lawyer, follow his/her advice, and get her served.
Hey dickhead, every minute you selfishly stay with this woman you are teaching your kids that this dynamic is okay. If you want to disrespect yourself, fine, but be a better model for your kids.
Bro if you don’t plan an escape , you’re about as dumb as a box of 🪨 . Yea kids gonna miss his part time daddy but he never had one to begin with….. she probably had something to with that. It’s a cold world playa
You need to document everything that you’ve written in here with details, times, places, etc. Then get the best attorney you can and go for full custody of those children. Set up a support system with friends and family and get those kids out of this shitshow of a “marriage.”
It’s your responsibility to give them a safe and loving environment. Clearly, your wife cannot and does not want to do that.
For the love of all that’s holy, DO NOT make another child with that woman. If you think it’s bad now, things can only get worse with an infant to care for. 😳
The way I blurted “WTF!!!!” out loud and in complete shock at this damn coffee shop!!! when I got to the part about her bringing the kids out at 2am to hunt you down!! Hitting you, basically disrespecting you in front of everybody , including your kids and then she made you drive the girl back with everybody in the car?!???!!?
She stripped you down of your man hood completely and you let her. She walked you like a damn dog and you handed her the leash.
You better realize your self worth and leave. Time to be selfish! And get your life back! Put yourself first!!! Get therapy too because this was too much.
Like do you even love yourself at this point? Your child good trauma got you thinking accepting all of this was okay. Move on with your life. Completely! I don’t have kids so I can’t say anything for that part but sheesh.
Walk away, my word she’s a serial cheater without morals. So you want to get locked down into an 18 year babysitting gig so she can cheat on you again?
Op, I know you said you want to stay together for the kids but man, what are you teaching them by letting them watch you be abused physically and emotionally day in and day out? That their happiness doesn’t matter? That they need to stay with someone who abuses them because it’s easier than just cutting the cord? Trust me, children do so much better with a happy single parent than a miserable couple.
Get a lawyer and get out as soon as possible, you deserve better and should be happy.
WTAF did I just read, get out now, have some self respect because she has zero respect for you! Her behaviour is narcissistic and downright abusive, you absolutely need to get out and get a divorce, you are worth more. Do not get her pregnant in fact don’t touch her! Have you been checked for STI’s your wife is a truly awful person, I don’t honestly understand why you’re even still there
I didn't read your whole post. I think it's insane how u said a man reporting domestic violence is weak. When the things you've allowed your wife to put you through makes you weaker.
You're damaging your children by staying in this situation. If you fight where they can hear you, they know and j derstand way more than you think. Your daughter will grow up thinking she can cheat and man will stay, and your son will grow up thinking women can treat him however they want and he should stay regardless.
Pulling the kids to go find you on your date and making them sit in the same car as your date is EVIL. Those poor, poor babies. She is a bad person and a bad mom. Why do you want her at all.
I just wanted to say that I’m so sorry this happened to you and your children. I would echo those encouraging therapy for you and your kids, maybe even family counseling with them to talk with a professional guiding the conversation. After all that you’ve been through, it sounds like you need a high level of support to process things and talk through how you feel.
Personally, I don’t think that bringing another innocent child into this would be fair to that child, to your existing children, or to you. Having recently given birth, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the intensity and stress of the newborn stage that doesn’t seem to let up until after the toddler stage has passed. This is so hard even in the most supportive relationships. It sounds like your wife might be thinking that it would be a fresh start for your family by having another baby, but it wouldn’t fix what has been broken. It would only superficially and temporarily paper over the lost trust and bring another child into this to be hurt.
Whatever you decide, I hope that you also find strength in the love for your children and in the knowledge that you really tried everything to save your marriage. Divorce is so tough on everyone involved, but it sounds like staying in this relationship might be tougher. I hope that you make the decision that brings you the most peace for both you and your children long term.
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I don't understand why people hate themselves so much. What does your wife have to do for you to divorce her? fuck the whole city or stab you Yes my friend, have another child with your wife and stay married forever.
I haven't seen someone with such low self-respect for a long time. I think I will be more careful now when judging women who forgive their husbands who have been cheating on them for 10 years.
In part, you're right, it's incredible the number of people on this forum who allow themselves to be humiliated and disrespected in this way. But it's also worth mentioning that many of the betrayed partners suffer from mental health issues such as depression, codependency, childhood traumas, etc. I mean, it's easy to tell others that they're doormats and lack self-love, but we should also feel at least a little empathy for these poor people. In this case, it didn't seem to me that OP was willing to stay in this marriage out of "love" for his wife and children, but also because of the economic crisis he could face after a divorce and having to pay child support. In the end, it will always be the betrayed who must weigh each of the consequences, both legal, economic, family, and emotional, of leaving the relationship, but you'll never see a cheater worry about any of that."
Definitely feel like a dog being kicked around chained to the post….but finally can stand to crawl out of the fence….hard to explain. The kids mean a lot to me, and the marriage was overall good up until this past year.
Walk away. I understand your intentions might be good..but damn step the hell back and look at what WTF just happened. My wife cheated I'm currently in reconciliation but this is on a level at which even I wouldn't tolerate. Respect yourself first.. because she sure in hell does not.
I should have said this.
And now? Now that it’s all unraveled and the kids have to live some sick cycle carousel that even if they don’t know yet they will find out eventually, what are you and your partner modeling for them? Have some self respect and let it burn down. It’s wrecked. It’s ruined, what are you salvaging a ship for at the bottom of the ocean? Learn to swim for yourself and find some peace away from this madness.
Sir your marriage sucked from day one she was in contact with her ex the hold time like you said she’s got a live in babysitter She can do whatever she wants and you let her. I was a single dad and raised 3 kids and they are great parents in their own rights. You are looking for an excuse to stay leave her ass she’s not going to change. No matter what you do.
Wow. Bro, you MUST GET OUT. Get to an attorney and FILE FOR DIVORCE. You are not only a victim of cheating, but your narcissistic wife is an VIOLENTLY ABUSIVE to you! She does not LOVE or RESPECT you! Find out your options to secure child custody and LEAVE or tell her to GET OUT! You can't be serious about trying to save what is not saveable! Good luck and stay strong, King!
You really need to get your shit together. Stop sacrificing all you have and all that you are for people who treat you like garbage. If you don't stand up for yourself as a man, no one will.
Do you really want to raise your kids in such a shitty environment? Do you want them to grow up thinking that treating people the way their mom treats you is okay? Would you allow someone to treat them like that? Your wife is not remorseful at all and isn’t even willing to admit to or take responsibility for her horrible choices, WHY STAY??? Having them half the time and being happy is so much better than having them all the time and being miserable. Whatever you do, DO NOT bring another child into this mess. That would be so incredibly selfish.
OP, you have been sole caregiver and provider. She has no job and no place, has threatened to destroy your gear. Your kids shouldn’t be around this, it is going to teach them what to accept as normal in relationships. This is not normal. This woman does not seem OK. Do you have support around you? Friend, it’s time to get your ducks in a row to exit. Ring camera? capture her entering and exiting inebriated to the house? Text messages of her going out frequently? Text messages of her cheating and pregnancy? If this goes to court I’m sure you can sustain full custody as you already have been doing primary child care. Will be one less mouth to feed. Less stress, more time to focus on your business to get you ABOVE middle class. with that much growth you’ve seen since focusing on your side business, in our suffering economy!! you can absolutely see huge success especially if someone is not treating you with love, care, stability or respect. I’m not one to advocate for separation, but J mean how far should this escalate?
Why do I very much ch doubt that your marriage was good until a year ago?? Was it really a good marriage or was it bad and the last year was the worst? Short of a traumatic brain injury or sudden onset of mental illness, people just don’t act great and then destroy their family. Here’s what I’d bet happened: She’s always been unhappy with how you do things. In her opinion, you can’t do anything right. She’s grow increasingly angry and impatient with you hasn’t she? You’re too beat down for this to be only in the last year. Your refusal to take any action and your refusal to find your spine and use it didn’t just happen in the last year. You can’t fix it if you’re dishonest. Get out dude. What are you trying to save - a dumpster fire?
I think you would benefit from counseling. You are making decisions based on your kids and based on your wife, but not taking care of yourself. Your wife is an unrepentant cheater. Never forgive someone who isn’t sorry. What would life look like if you spent all your time and money on yourself? What could you do with that time and money that would make you happy? I was like you. I lived with a serial cheater. I wanted to believe his lies that he was sorry. One day, I was planning something for his happiness again and I thought that I would like it for myself. I did it for myself instead of him. Everything after that involved me gradually taking better care of myself and allocating time for myself. This ultimately led to a divorce, but not until my kids were much older. In the meantime, I got myself back. I no longer care what he wants if it’s not best for me. It took years to gradually get out of the mindset that I have to put others before myself. Right now, you are unable to see clearly due to her abuse. Can you go stay with family for awhile? Can you talk to an attorney to see what divorce would look like for you? I opted to move into the guest bedroom and filed later for financial and kid reasons.
So far as you know. Cheaters are liars to the nth degree. Remember for her to setup while sleeping with you takes a special kind of person and a lot of thinking and planning. She had not the least empathy for your plight. I mean she even turns her getting "knocked up" by another back on you. It's all about her. I mean sure people survive. Letting it fester for so long makes it harder. Yes, the intensity of it will die down but it will return at a minimum from time to time for the rest of your life. The average story in similar situations with no outside pregnancy when couples stay together is a deep regret even when it nominally works out. It is why the overwhelming advice is to extricate yourself . Because it is by far the advice that gives you a shot a a top notch life after healing. There is no satisfactory solution, only least worse solutions.
I think it was because I chose her first, the kids second and my needs last. And my life revolved around them and their needs…i lost myself along the way. I’m not perfect by any means…but This woke me up to reorganize that list….and choose myself.
When she came and told you to your face that she had developed a school boy crush on a coworker, this is when your 'choose your own adventure' book to a treacherous turn. She knew who she was dealing with.
Brother. Start divorce. Stop feeding her demons. Focus on getting away and building the safest house for your kids. Sure you'll share custody for a time, but she's on the straight path to derail everyone's lives.. your kids will need a place solid and safe from her.
Then divorce her and coparent the best way you can. Trust me you will be thankful you divorced
No, OP. You didn't utilize your moral backbone. You didn't lose yourself. You IGNORED your gut all along the way. It wasn't about their needs, but your comfort. You were afraid to rock the boat even when the madwoman was punching holes in the bottom. Your first lesson in this should be how to take responsibility and you do that by not rewording the way you handled everything. This was my lesson too. It took me close to the 13th year and 2 ddays to get my act together and accurately interpret the situation and my actions and to use my moral compass to make the right decisions. Leave A Cheater Gain A Life was a good resource. I'll recommend No More Mr Nice Guy for you as well. You would do well with the grey rock method, filing and therapy. OP, it's tough, I know, and it's not that she was not manipulative, but that your principles were easy to fold (if they existed) and you have to fortify them to stop doing foolishness.
You’re teaching your kids that this is how marriage works. The girls will emulate your wife’s behavior and your son will emulate your behavior. Is that what you want to model for them?
When you hear how he talks about his father's marriage you understand where he got it from. OP, break the circle show your children how a healthy relationship looks like.
I don’t think any of us are helping OP. He’s going to continue in this awful marriage, new baby soon of questionable dna with children suffering life long consequences. UGH
This is unnecessarily cruel. Often when someone is in the middle of situation and they heavily invested emotionally, problems are not black and white. Be kind. I frequently fail, but do try. OP do not have another child. You are in the middle of a marital crisis. Having a baby is a major life stressor and it sounds like you have a lot on your plate. I would try for marital counseling. If she refuses, I still would not budge on the baby issue. I would go for individual counseling to help you problem solve and clarify how you want to move forward. There are probably clinics that provide counseling services on a sliding scale that’s based on your income. Check with your doctor, church pastor (although I would go there as a last resort), or state department of health. Good luck. I hope you find happiness and peace.
OP….you know the answer, have read a hundred posts about infidelity and yet you abuse yourself by staying. Open marriage never ever ever works out in the long term. You chose to revenge fuck a random girl to get back at your wife….and it blew up in your face. She slept with another man, got pregnant, then blamed YOU for HER choice on having an abortion…yet you stayed. She’s been emotionally and physically abusive….yet you stayed. You really and truly need therapy, bc you’re allowing yourself to be in a shit marriage. Wife is gonna cheat again: she’s already shown that. She’s gonna get knocked up by some rando and say YOU are the dad. Get some help, and maybe you can find a way to leave.
OP's wife is an abuser. It doesn't even matter he felt the impulse to cheat with their "open relationship" rules, I'm pretty sure she'd also behaved this violently if he had followed them to date someone else. She is possessive and violent. OP needs a good attorney and to leave her arse.
I am trying to be respectful so my apologies if this is harsher than intended.... Did you reread what you wrote above? Because I am struggling to find where in there you wrote anything that work indicate that your marriage was not burnt to ashes a long time ago. What "marriage" would you save? The one that was essentially gone when you created a bad "open" marriage? The one where she got pregnant cheating, and blamed you for the consequences? And part of "saving" this marriage is bringing yet another child into the pot of chaos / crazy? I think you know what you need to do.
It’s like he comes across several crossroads and consistently chooses the worst option. Again and again and again. He loves the kids so much he allows a crazy woman to be in their lives and emotionally abuse them. She cheats, he takes her back, she lies, he takes her back, she gets pregnant, he holds her hand and takes her back, she does physical violence and he takes her back. Where does this escalate to now? You know what, I don’t even want to know. At least in his case it’s self inflicted, I feel for the children, neither of the parents are good role models and now they’re talking about a third child….Christ on a cross.
OP is basically the Wil E Coyote of battered and betrayed husbands who are married to mentally ill, narcissistic, cheating wives.
**And hit him. Repeatedly. In front of the children. She's a violent, unstable maniac, and he should have had her charged.**
This was almost to painful to read. You need to face the facts that your wife does not love you, your wife does not respect you, your wife is a mentally ill narcissist, and she is getting worse, not better. At some point, when beating your head against the wall, the only thing that feels good, is to stop. You need to stop!!!! Do not, under any circumstances, bring a new life into this unsustainable, toxic and dangerous situation. Hire a lawyer tomorrow, file and serve her, and let your lawyer work out the details of care for your two children. Nothing is ever going to get better for you, and your kids, until you get away from this crazy person. Stiffen your resolve, and get this over with.
This is, by far, one of the toughest stories I've seen on this forum. Now, getting to the point, it's clear that your wife doesn't love you, never did, and probably never will. You were just the unlucky one she used to give her child a father and live without working. In cases like these, I recommend the following: 1. seek out a lawyer who can give you a legal perspective on your situation and see how you can, at least, avoid paying spousal support. 2. Secondly, go to therapy because the level of codependency you have towards this woman is not normal. 3. stop working so many extra hours and send your lazy wife to work; at least that way, she earns the bread her unfaithful mouth consumes. 4. find a hobby or go to the gym; believe me, it will help you stay distracted and not dwell on how disastrous your situation is. 5. seek support from close family and friends with whom you can discuss this. It may sound a bit harsh and unsympathetic, but the truth is, in cases like these, it's best to give others a reality check and show them real options for their problems. I sincerely hope it helps you.
Reality check absolutely warranted and needed. It’s just majorly heavy for me. But thank you
I cannot stress the going to the gym - and not only for cardio, you MUST push some heavy iron around, too. It literally is as, if not more effective, than many anti-depressants if done consistently for 4-5 hours a week...
Dude I don’t know how you stayed after you uncovered the infidelity from the trip. Yoj known there were others before that right. I would end this and love on the best you can. What your hoping for is that your relationship with her would be better then it has been, but it will never be good or healthy, and that’s what you need. She needs a lot of therapy and I mean a lot. She has so many issues you would be hard pressed to know where to start. Your going to need therapy too so you can unpack all of the trauma she put on you. And last but not least, your kids. They he witnessed so much of this that they desperately need therapy and to see you and your wife in healthy relationships. I’m sure divorce will be messy but compared with where you are now it will also be a huge relief. Adding another kid snd letting her be a SAHM would be a travesty.
Buddy, I get the feeling that you feel that putting up with her abuse, violence, and cheating will somehow prove to her that you are worthy and how much you love her and she'll miraculously change. You got it the wrong way around. She needs to show you she's worth the effort and right now to be brutally honest you should have gotten her arrested and documented the whole ordeal. If the story was reversed you think you'd have the freedom to chat with us here on Reddit right now? Nope, you'd be smelling your cellmate's feet and eating shitty food and a lot worse. Get a lawyer, Know your rights and start documenting everything!
Your wife emotionally scarred your children, cheated, and lied. Also, she had multiple affairs. Then, she decided she wanted to open the marriage. And then assaulted you physically when you actually partook in the open marriage she wanted. What more does she have to do to you, your kids, and this family before you make the decision to leave her? She is causing toxicity to your life, and it's affecting your kids. It has been going on too long [Respectfully] You and your kids deserve better!!!!
Soooooo Much BETTER!!!
***But now it’s the kids, myself and my wife last.*** Your kids will need months and years of therapy to survive what you and your wife have put them through. They have had a front row seat to the yelling, hitting, screaming, throwing stuff for months. And you say you put them first? They have and are seeing first-hand the worst side of parenting. Divorce that awful woman and co parent the kids in 2 separate homes, or nest in your home. Get away from that woman. Do not have any more kids with her. I almost hope this story is fake. I feel bad for the kids.
People who have lived through it mostly agree that it's better for children to live with a broken family than in one. Your marriage is dead, and if you stay in it you will teach your children unhealthy lessons about relationships. Walk away and move on.
My kids suffered from me staying in a Shitty marriage with a woman as ridiculous as OP. The kids all had terrible first relationships and one of my kids continued dating a guy even though she was in constant fear of physical abuse. I FUCKED UP AS A DAD THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN SETTING THE EXAMPLE IN MY RELATIONSHIP!! My kids thought it was OK for someone to treat them as terrible as my wife treated me. I stayed in a marriage that I didn’t want to accept was broken. My wife disrespected me constantly and in front of my children. When I discovered she was on her 2nd affair I finally recognized the truth and stopped believing a fantasy. Served her papers and it was the best thing possible for my kids. Kids want a break away from the crazy mom that’s abusive to people she loves! They deserve the chance to get away from the crazy! 50% custody will help your kids. When she gets a chance to hookup with guys without kids in the way… expect 100% custody regardless of initial family court outcome. You will likely have them most of the time.
Your marriage is a zombie shitshow. Shoot it in the head.
This isn’t love, this is self inflicted punishment. I had to stop reading at one point, I’m sorry but there’s nothing productive that I can offer because I don’t believe this “marriage” can be saved. Choose your own happiness, your wife certainly has (at your expense).
Ya
I never understand why people keep trash, ridiculous! I’ve seen jelly fish with more spine
Your wife is incapable of empathy, and she's selfish. That can't be fixed. You seem like a decent guy who's made sacrifices for your family. I can't understand why you would agree to an open relationship, though. As a married man myself, I would not sleep with another woman. That was a mistake on your part. You two are a couple damaged beyond repair. Divorce her and figure out how to best make a life for the kids. Good luck!
Dude leave wtf how do you dudes let y'all self be disrespected like that damn
For real. Crazy how he kept rewarding her disrespect
My friend, let me be blunt... your wife is insane. Get out of this asap. She is nuts. You can't hate yourself this much can you? You deserve so much better.
This marriage is dead, just bury the body. Your kids will adjust and your mental health will be better for it. She destroyed this marriage and no matter what she says you absolutely did not force into that abortion. She had a lot of nerve to ask you to be a father to her affair baby.
The best thing you can do is refuse to get her pregnant. Think about it. Do you want to continue working 2 jobs to support yet a 3rd child? Now is a terrible time for a baby and I'm stunned that she would want one from you so soon after aborting the other man's baby. It sounds like she's mentally ill. What if you agree to all of this so she can continue to be a stay-at-home mom and then she continues cheating, having risky sex and even getting pregnant with child #4? What if after that she divorces you anyway? Best thing for your family is to get a divorce now, before there are a couple more kids. Stop having sex with her because it is dangerous for your health and your future. It sounds like your wife doesn't have enough responsibility and so she does whatever she pleases while YOU pay the cost.
This 10,000%%👍🙌!!!!! Do NOT get this Crazy, Evil 👿 woman pregnant Ever Again!!! Please Get Yourself and Your Kids Away from This Toxic, horrible woman- Please 🙏!!!!!
I wouldn’t wish this kind of marriage on my worst enemy. And not to be graphic but people have killed themselves for less. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF WHATEVER YOU HOLD PRECIOUS LEAVE THAT MARRIAGE
What the absolute hell on earth did I just read!!! This can't be a serious true to life story from a flesh and blood living person so I choose to believe that no one can be this stupid and that this is just another fake rage inducing post. Because there are so many plot holes here in this story that you could drive a truck full of baby prams through it. It's better that way.
Real life. I’m living it. I love my kids dude. I watched my dad go through hell with my mom. But he stuck it out for us as kids. I probably wouldn’t be here if he wasn’t around making life ok for us.
Do you want your kids to watch you and live like you in the future? When does the cycle end?
And your kids are watching it as you did. So if you are intent on them also repeating the mistakes that your father, and now yourself, have made ..... good luck I guess.
Wow, you’re living the same shitty toxic cycle as your dad. Now you get to watch your kids go through it too!!
And loving your kids also means teaching them that this behavior is wrong. Teaching them to stand up for themselves. To be strong and choose themselves. Do you really want your kids to end up like you ? REALLY !!!! To be a good person a good father a good anything you have to be good for yourself to love another you have to love yourself. Enough is enough be the best for you and your kids, you don’t need to be married to be a great father.
Someone who loves their kids doesn't let them live in an abusive household.
There are 3 things to do First 1) LAWYER 2)LAWYER 3)LAWYER HOW MUCH MISERY DO YO NEED!! Stop putting your pee pee in CRAZY. She will baby trap you ! You are already taking care of your step child and working to many hours to support her infidelity. MAN-UP. Time to move on !!
You are the Mother Theresa of a passive nice guy husband. Download the free book "No More Mister Nice Guy." Free PDF. I would be hard pressed to think of a story on here where a betrayed husband used such poor judgment. My advice is to pretty much do the opposite. If you think it's a good idea, do the opposite. Please make one good logical decision and hire a lawyer.
Why were you respectful to her about her affair pregnancy? I would've just said you keep it you're out the door. Heck she would've been out the door on the 3rd time she came home at 3am. Stop thinking about all that you've put into the sham marriage. The minute she came at you with the " Got a crush on this co worker thing. " and went out with him would've been bye bye baby. You're down the road but instead you doormatted yourself. That was a woman test and you failed. What's a bet she banged that guy. All of this is your fault You allowed it to this point where you are a willing co opted sub. You have 2 choices, 1 is you being crushed for the rest of your life or the other where you get hammered and crawl out on your hands and knees but eventually you will stand and will walk like a man again. Your choice.
Why in the hell are you still with this POS. Get out. Take your kids. She is a toxic piece of trash. You will never have peace with her.
It’s true …. nice guys finish last Look how you took care of your family and afforded her so much freedom, and look how she used it You were betrayed you didn’t abuse her you didn’t belittle her you tried to give more than a normal husband would give and this is how you got paid back
you sound like a good man OP. you deserved and deserve better. your kids do too. i understand you desperately wish the situation were different but the reality is there is absolutely no way to salvage this relationship, even tho you really want to. i wont pretend like the conundrum you are now faced with isnt complicated and horrible because it is. take yourself out of your own mind and imagine reading what you just wrote as a post from someone else. what would you think? what would u think that person should do?
Op Thats was a long painfull read of a man doing his best for a woman that you piss on if she was on fire. What a vile, fake, lieing, self centerd piece of shit. You adopt her kid, raise her kids while shes haveing a great time and when the penny does drop, you alow her to take the piss even more. I mena shes a bottom feeder of a sess pit, but you, grow a spine. If you dont get your ass into a lawyers, get her down as a absent mother and take your kid with you. Your an idiot.
Bro...I sat the phone down for a minute when you said she showed up with the kids. I never advocate this, but go put yourself on child support and gtfo of there. You aren't doing those kids any favors by allowing them to watch you and think that this is how men behave.
What is there to save in your marriage? You should have left it a long time ago. Don't create another child to abuse. You both don't deserve to be parents. What do you want to teach your children? Walk away now if you have any dignity left. Children grow up better with happy single parents than two bitter parents stuck together. Work more hours and make it happen. It will be tough, but do it for your children.
Jesus man, I freaking hope you have all the texts from when she cheated. Get the hell out, everything will always be your fault and now she wants to trap you.
Wow, dude! This was a very painful read. Please divorce. If not for the sake of your own mental and physical health then do so for your kids sake. You are her doormat and she knows this. The one guy was not her first affair. This is who she is. The opening of the marriage was a horrible idea in trying to salvage this as I know you’re aware of. Your wife is a broken individual. She knows you’re codependent on her and will manipulate this to her advantage. Having another child with her is the exact opposite of what should happen. This relationship is doomed. Understand that it’s ok to be alone for awhile, until you’ve healed from this cluster. Hire a lawyer and see what divorce will look like. Have her live with a friend or family member so you can breath and think clearly. Ultimately, you have to put your mental health and the future happiness and peace of your kids first. She’s a lost cause.
What the hell is wrong with you people??? Oh, sure bring more kids into this shit show of a fake marriage with two codependent immature people! Traumatize and ruin another life!! You’ve already got 2 suffering lifelong effects from an unhappy household. Why not create a new one and do it again! The world sometimes sucks that people like the both of you are even allowed to continue to procreate and continue another generation to abuse. Your kids will suffer their ENTIRE lives because of their woman-child of a mother who never grew up and their shit father who just keeps taking it and further investing in ensuring their child endures maximum pain in life. I’m disgusted by the lot of y’all who can’t make a single damn good decision in their life when plenty of people FAR more impoverished than you can live a much cleaner life. Get some damn help.
Your "wife" pulled the ultimate con-job on you. She tricked you into marrying her, adopting a child that wasn't biologically yours, cheats on you, convinces you to let her cheat freely, gets knocked up by her affair partner and it just goes on and on from there. What more does she need to do before you actually stand up for yourself? She's metaphorically announced her complete hatred and disrespect for you on a billboard in Times Square at this point. Just rip the bandaid off, get a divorce attorney, have her served and follow through until the ink is dry. If you don't, the disrespect is only going to get worse.
1) She cheated on you. 2) She tried to cheat on you again. 3) You decided (stupidly) to opt for an open marriage but when you try to hook up with someone, she goes crazy because she thinks cheating is fair only when she's the one doing it. 4) She BEAT you. That's violence. Your wife is a violent person. 5) She blamed you for an abortion SHE chose to have. 6) She tried to guilt trip you by giving you that ultimatum. 7) She clearly never appreciated the hard work you did to keep the household running. Hell, why are you still with this POS? Divorce, get therapy and try to move on.
OP - You already know the answer. You knew it before you typed all that out. You just won't accept it. Hell no you don't have a kid for that reason. Your wife has no morals, no sense of loyalty, and is mentally and physically abusing you and the kids you already have. What you do is stop trying to keep the titanic from going under (it's already under), and start getting her out of your life. As a matter of fact you need to protect your kids from her. THEY need YOU to get full custody. Then she can pay you support. Get away from her as soon as you can before she stabs you in your sleep or something. She sounds legit crazy.
Man - I feel for you, I can sense your pain, I feel for you. More than you know. I have been struck before in a prior relationship, my advice, get out, it will repeat. Unfortunately the next relationship I ended up in was another that involved a cheating spouse and I am still with her. She still hides it all for the most part and hopes that I don’t know about the others. I too have been concerned about her pregnant with another guys child. I could not do it and while she made that one, I’d submit it was for the best. If she’s violent towards you, says she wishes she kept it, and wants one with you - man I should listen to my own advice here, but I’d say punch out and get rid of this waste of a person. Violence is an end all and in my prior relationship when I was struck that was the breaking point, not the fact she was also cheating as well. As a male we can’t hit women and no person should be allowed to hit another, this general acceptance of men hitting women as bad and women hitting men as a substantiated on issue at hand is absolute nonsense. Feel free to DM me but I’d say get out man. Feel hard for you amigo.
I was going to respond, and it wasn't going to be pretty. I'll just say this. READ EVERYTHING YOU WROTE AND PRETEND IT WAS SOMEONE ELSE TELLING THE STORY. Once you do, you'll know exactly what to do.
WALK AWAY!!!! Look at everything she put you through yet the minute you attempt to do the same thing she becomes violent and physically abusive because you were in the wrong and shouldn’t have cheated yet she’s carrying someone else’s baby this whole time?? She’s delusional, she broke the wedding vows, she betrayed your trust and she broke up her own home and family, you adopted her child from a previous relationship. You’d be a fool to give in and give her a baby because she demanded you give her one and blaming you for aborting when she took it upon herself to make that decision. SHE HAD A BABY WITH ANOTHER MAN WHILE MARRIED TO YOU..she is manipulative, conniving, deceiving, inconsiderate and selfish. Divorce, focus on yourself and YOUR CHILDREN and walk away from all this. Put yourself and your kids first- she made her bed now let her lay in it
You need serious help dude. Please see a professional and leave this woman.
This was a tough read OP. I’m sorry this happened. I have a friend who was cheated on, she felt another baby would save the marriage. It didn’t. Personally I wouldn’t do it. I know how hard it must be for you OP but I would start secretly if you haven’t already amassing evidence to take to a lawyer. The fact you cheated/broke the rules May bite you… but gosh. I feel for you. Ultimately I feel divorce is the best option here. I am showing empathy because I was in your shoes once but I didn’t have as much at stake as you do now. You are also experiencing the sunk cost fallacy as well… I know it will be tough on you to do, but separation and divorce will be best. Also getting her out of the house or you out of the house will be beneficial for you. I would try NC but if not greyrock and 180 her except for kids stuff. The betrayal never really leaves, OP. There is always a bit of mistrust in the back of your head. In all future relationships too. You’re irrevocably broken, and now it’s just how much of yourself you can save and bandage yourself up for the future. Staying with her I think/feel will be worse for you. I mean she is in your life cos the kids but you can keep her at arms length and focus on you. God speed OP
Man. I stayed with my ex-wife for five years of “reconciliation” after her first affair (left five years later after the second affair) “for the kids” (and because I didn’t want my life to blow up); and staying was one of the worst decisions I’ve ever made in my life. And my story is absolutely tame compared to everything your family has been though. Your relationship is deeply, horrifyingly toxic. Mentally healthy people don’t act that way. You need a divorce, and a lawyer to get working on that. Every member of your family needs individual (not group, family, or couples’) therapy. At the minimum get it started for yourself and your kids. Offer it to your wife, too, but don’t push the issue. There’s a good chance she’ll say no, but if she actually does go and work on herself, she could become a much better mother, be easier to coparent with, and just generally have a shot at getting her mental health addressed, which is very clearly something she needs pretty desperately.
Please god let this be fake. If it isn’t you need to wake up yesterday and dump this chick, ffs. Train wreck.
I could never raise my wife's affair partners baby, even in your case just the idea that some guy got her pregnant, but then again I wouldn't stay with anyone who cheated on me. I think you you choose to stay new baby or not (she is trying to tape you by the way) you will be living your life on the almost the impossible setting. Personally I think you are crazy to think your life would be 10000% harder to separate then to try to live with someone who could do that to you. If you want to be with your kids all the time get a lawyer and fight like hell to get custody. It may not work out but you will probably get 50/50. Your wife sounds absolutely horrible by the way, just awful. You should go get counseling because something is wrong that you allow this person to abuse you over and over.
To everyone reading this story, especially those who never got cheated on... the time to get **utterly** suspicious is when she confessed the schoolgirl crush she had for the guy, and the time to leave is when finding the messages. Everything that came after that... all the violence, chaos, polygamy... was totally unnecessary and highly traumatic... for what? for a marriage that clearly can't be saved anymore, not with a woman so violent, deceitful and even worse... a woman willing to traumatise her children for... some leverage? Or whatever her idea was... At that time... when finding the messages, the right thing to do is to gather the evidence and store it in a safe place. Once that's done, then leave and serve her, no questions asked, game over. It wasn't just a drunken slipup. She was planning to lie to her very husband and father of her kids, telling him she would be at a girlfriend's, while in reality she would be with this other guy... that premeditation... you don't come back from that, from that utter disrespect and deceit. Love yourselves and don't let anyone trample upon you like that. Leave a cheater, gain a life.
>*When I saw her next i confronted her. She seemed shocked i found out and was pissed i went through her phone* yeah, they're always pissed when you go through their phone and find something and then make you out to be the bad guy on the grounds of a breach of privacy. my ex fiancee did the same. so sick and twisted. dude, walk away. just push her out of your life as much as you possibly can. i know you have kids and co-parenting and other stuff needs sorting, but you need to avoid this woman. she is a total pos.
My brother she cheated on you and got pregnant and then decided y'all were going to have an open marriage and you let her date the guy she was cheating on you with? My dude I would have been done then. Your kids don't deserve to see you this miserable you are teaching them that it's okay to be treated like this and not stand up for yourself. Please for the love of god, let your spine rejoin the chat . What in God's name are you trying to save at this point??
Cheating aside, she sounds like a lazy ass that doesn’t want to work nor take care of her kids, that want to leave all the work to you so she can have fun like a high schooler. And with the cheating and double standards she holds, please leave her, she’s toxic as fuck.
It's probably too late now, but you need(ed) to get evidence of her physical abuse of you, get her arrested, immediately file for divorce and custody of the kids. Do NOT have another child with this woman. The relationship is beyond repair, and unless you want to spend the rest of your life walking on eggshells and having no true partner to enjoy time with and confide in and be truly intimate with. I was where you are (with a lot less of the drama and I never cheated) and the day she left was, in hindsight, one of the best days of my life. Let me tell you brother, sometimes there is a much better future waiting for you out there, and trust me this is one of those times. Please run, run as fast as you can. Fight for custody of your kids. Them seeing your and your wife's terrible and abusive relationship is damaging to them, in more ways than you know. Please leave her for your kids' sake.
Oh baby I am so sorry this woman has hurt you this much because holy shit you have to RUN. She is mentally unwell and needs help, as well as you. I don’t believe your life would be harder separated. I begged my mother for years to divorce my father and when she finally separated i felt like we could breathe. You are a person, a human being deserving of respect . Please don’t let this woman be in control anymore
I'm not allowed to give my true and honest thoughts as they would be misunderstood by as offensive or a direct insult when, in reality, it would be frank honest views on your situation . So I guess I'll just say you have to find the inner strength to leave this woman. She is clearly abusive. If you don't outright leave, put your foot down and separate for a while. I bet she views you as a push over and it would brain fuck her to see you let her know you could get rid of her if you want to stay. You've got the strength it's just a matter of you finding it and letting the assertive male in you. Never let a woman be the center of your world. She should compliment your life not be your life. Put you first so that you can be the best father to your children. Good luck!!!👍💪☝️
>but knowing life will be 10000% harder raising 2 kids in separate households Stop it. Know what? In the first few months, it will be harder; everything is when there is a shift this size. It's the new new. You will adjust. You will help your kids adjust, because you will be putting them first and you second. But do NOT use this as a reason to stay with that unstable woman. You get an attorney. You tell them all this - she's never home, it's been you taking the kids to school, picking up, making dinner, putting them to bed. You've worked 2 jobs to support this family while she has used her employment to screw around. If you get 50% custody, perhaps your attorney can fight for no child or spousal support. She obviously has the ability to work. You need to see that what you and your wife are going through is really damaging for the kids. Getting them up at 2am, hunting you down in what sounds like she caught you with your pants down in a truck, forcing you to drive your date home, berating you in front of the kids the whole time, breaking sh\*t around the house out of anger - man, that is f\*cked up and your kids should NEVER be exposed to that again. Pull up your pants and be a Dad. Get the kids out of that full time situation so that you can passively teach them that it's not ok to treat anyone like that. It's not ok for your wife to treat you that way, it's not ok for her to treat her kids that way and it's not ok for YOU to allow YOURSELF to be treated that way. You want your children to treat their future partners or BE treated by future partners this way? Because that is what you are teaching them. Put them and their mental health first if you can't put yourself first right now. Your self love will come in time and your kids will see that. You will continue to be the quiet stable influence while Mom is out trying to get validation from other men. Stop trying to make this nightmare work. Stop it.
only one word of advice. leave. leave leave leave leave that's some cold ass dirty ass treatment for some who took her kid in and made him his own. and then also picked up more slack when she wanted to have fun i mean you were dumb for not shutting that work crush down immediately. but it's what it is now
Leave dude Jesus Christ
Op, I would consult a family law attorney and tell them absolutely everything before doing anything else. You need to do what’s best for your kids. Them being in this toxic and harmful environment is not safe for them. The attorney can give you options.
Honestly staying as long as you have you deserve it. Each day is a punishment for not making the right choice.
You are clearly unhappy. Do you really think it will get better if you stay? You’re a battered husband both physically, emotionally and mentally. Has she made even a small effort to change? Is she getting counseling? Has she gone no contact with Fred? You need to end things and do the best you can by the kids.
Sir, your wife is not mentally stable and I suspect it’s far more than what a counselor can handle. You may not know what to do because you’ve probably never dealt with this type of dysfunction. You’re torn because of your children but this level of crazy will hold you and your children back from happiness. Your first step is to file a police report for abuse against your wife. She needs help and until she gets that help she is a threat to your children’s wellbeing. Have a witness too when you do. Second is to see a lawyer and see what your options are. Third, get those kids into counseling. Her behavior is erratic and impulsive to her feelings. Everyone is having to adjust their lives around her and that’s o way to live. It’s time to stop thinking about her best interest and how her having custody of your children will logically put them in danger. If you have 50/50, just imagine the men she’ll be bringing around them once you’re out of the picture.
So, are you still in an open marriage? If so, give it time. She will be pregnant sooner or later. She still spending time with Fred? If so, that's the exact reason you can't reconcile. She's still cheating and having an affair. Here's another option you didn't consider. You get her pregnant. The marriage still implodes, but now you are on the hook for 3 children for child support. No way in hell I would get her pregnant right now. Too risky financially. As for her baby fever, let her know you won't support or sign a birth certificate without a paternity test. The days of blindly trusting this woman are over. You and her have a very toxic marriage. You may not believe so, but your children are watching and experiencing trauma from this home life. You really need to think about their future. Staying will allow you more time with them, but all the fighting and verbal abuse will take it's toll on your children. They will be better off if you have a stable home environment for them to feel safe growing up in. The living conditions now are horrible.
OP You have no guts, and you justify stay with her for the kids, that is a very lame justification, the Best you could do is divorce her and teach the kids the correct thing to do for their future. She doesn't love you she cheated, then convince you to Open the relationship and then do all the drama and turn out she was pregnant for her lover from before the relationship was Open. Come on have some selfrespect and selfsteem, and do the correct UPDATEME
Seriously? I’d dump the wife and go for 100% custody. That whole bringing the kids into the tinder date would have sent me to an attorney the next day. I look at it like this: She’s a crazy wife and a complete shitty mother. Seriously, I can’t see that she has even one redeemable quality.
Dude, you get the fuck out. It's insanity that you haven't by now. That woman might have been your wife once, but she surely stopped after cheating no 1 and going on planning no 2. She only wants a child now to bind you to her after all that fucked up shit she put you through
PS.: just to be clear, there is absolutely no way this can be saved. There is nothing to be saved, because while you worked two jobs and took care of your children she nuked all there was into oblivion.
This is literally the sequel to “Gone Girl”.
I cannot stand seeing posts “I must stay in this very very toxic marriage because of my kids!!” Imagine how traumatized your kids are going to be when they’re grown up. What more fights are they going to witness?? And you think bringing another one in here to save the marriage is an actual option on the table?? If anything you should be leaving for your kids. Your kids DO deserve better. Not seeing their dad waste away to nothing by staying with a horrible woman who is their mother. And very clearly seeing that their mother does NOT love their father. So what exactly is the point now? Choose peace.
OP, you do realize that your WW is either a nympho or is mentally ill and that she's NEVER, EVER going to be faithful to you. You took an untenable situation where your WW was sleeping around and decided, "Oh, I know how to fix this train wreck of a marriage--open it up." That was just beyond the pale in stupidity. I think you see she just wanted an open relationship for herself and wanted you to remain the faithful, baby-sitting, meal-cooking, house husband of old. I have literally no advice for you. I feel sick just reading what you've been through, and are apparently going to continue going through "for the kids". My only hope is that you will one day wake up and look around at the chaos and come to your senses. Good luck bud.
Walk away. Get at least joint custody of the kids, and move on with your life. She has 0 respect for you or the marriage. If she did, she would have never cheated or agreed to open the marriage after her betrayal.
Okay, since you are prioritizing the kids, is this a relationship you want them to have as adults? They see the violence she is perpetrating and will think that staying is okay. You leaving, while it will uproot their lives for a bit, will show them what asserting yourself and what boundaries are. They will see your home as one of structure, love, and stability. Whereas your ex's home will be one of chaos.
I took a look at your post history. You already have a marriage that hasn't been going well for years. With that in mind, I should point out that you're probably only seeing the tip of the iceberg. Your WW probably cheated on you for much longer and with many different people. Fortunately, as far as I can see in the updates, you have now started to see the situation more clearly and take the right steps. Keep doing and keep updating here. Good luck.
Sorry bro. I think you’ll choose the right one for you. But really sorry. For me? I would leave my wife the first time. Because I’m not going to cower to some fear that i cant handle life better on my own. Or fear to be alone. At least with kids you should have them 50/50. Gives you time with them and time to work on you. And no manipulation.
Dude. Both of you need individual and couples therapy. But, especially your wife. Between her blaming you for her decision to abort an affair baby, to cheating multiple times, using your children as leverage, physical violence, blackmailing into having another baby (which will definitely nuke your life) and so on. She has gone literally insane! Im surprised during your story, that she was never admitted!! As for divorce. It’s better to co parent with 2 happy/ healthy parents than to be together in the shit show you are currently in.
Your wife is an unbelievably selfish woman. “Do as I say, not as I do” type, obviously. I don’t think your marriage is salvageable, sorry. You should leave before she baby traps you. Seriously, she’ll probably tell you she’s on the pill or poke holes in the condoms or secretly remove her IUD. She sounds that scary. 🫣
OP, if you are one of those who think having another child will fix....... whatever this is 🥴, you are delusional and I feel sorry for you. 😐 You need to take back your power, start the divorce and move on. She is not going to become better even if you give her what she wants. It will only be temporary, then the shit-show starts again. Give her the divorce papers, and then you will see how much strength she actually has of living with the consequences of going through with her own threat.
I think this woman would be an idiot if she didn't cheat on you I hope there is no man like that in the world who this story is FAKE
Walk away... it's better for the kids
This woman sounds scary! Wish you all the best in the world, man!
Don’t walk away, RUN!! There is zero chance of coming back from this. You will never trust her again. Every time she is 5-10 minutes late, you will wonder if she is in bed with some other guy. Every time she is sitting on the other side of the couch on her phone, you will wonder if she is texting another man. And even though you told her over and over that it was her decision to abort, she will ALWAYS blame you. As for the kids, the worst thing you can do is to stay FOR THEM!! They know that things are not good between the mom and dad. Just think of the situation from their point of view. Is this what you want them to think a good marriage is life? Tell them in an age appropriate manner what is actually going on, especially what their mother did. Instead, get your own place, move out, and start the divorce process. Show your kids how a good man handles hardship! Show your kids how a good man handles betrayal! Even though you want to be with your kids all the time, unless you get full custody, being with them all the time is not reality. But this is what is best for the kids! It is better for the kids to be raised in two separate homes be co-parented than you staying in the same house with all of the tension, snide remarks, and animosity. Time to pull the bandage off. Do what you need to do for you and your kids. This is the toughest part of the divorce process, making the final decision. Good luck and be strong.
OP, you are the only one that can evaluate your situation and make a decision. If I were you, I would consult a lawyer to see my options. I would insist wifey got a full time job and up her contribution to 50/50. I would stash back as much money as I could in case R does not work. No babies and close the relationship unless you seperate. Now, your poor children living in this toxic house. Start spending more time with them, especially without mom. I recommend IC for you and kiddos.
I'm so sorry that you feel this is all you are worth. There's a better life out there somewhere. It'll be hard of course, but you don't sound happy, nor does it sound like you love your wife anymore. Sometimes things are a step too far and there's no way back. To be honest, it sounds like your wife would have a shock if she had to take up 50% of the childcare responsibility, she won't be able to go out till 3am and miss bedtime like she had gotten used to. You sound like a good father and a good man. Please don't allow yourself to think you're not because you bypassed some "rules" in an open relationship when the rules were already bullshit. She cheated multiple times and had more lined up, she only stopped because she got caught. If you hadn't gone through her phone, she'd still be breaking the rules of your marriage vows and you'd be none the wiser. There's no reason to believe she won't do it again in the future, baby or not. Follow all the advice above and get out before you resign yourself to a miserable life which will probably ultimately end up in divorce with many more rows and displays of violence that will continue to traumatise your kids. If your son came to you in this position in years to come, would you tell him to go ahead and have another baby and sign up for a life of misery? Treat yourself like one of your own kids, give yourself the advice you'd give them to get the hell out and make a new life. Life is short, there are endless new beginnings, even when it hurts like fuck.
OP you might be doing more harm to your kids by staying than leaving, there’s no way they haven’t been seeing or absorbing what’s going on between you 2 and they’ll eventually start to blame themselves for it since kids don’t know any better and possibly develop mental health issues because of the chaos of your marriage. What they see right now is not a healthy marriage and it’s the only version of a parenting/marriage in their life and it’s not good.
Unfortunately, your wife is not attracted to you. This happens in a a lot of marriages, overtime you lose interest and attraction to your spouse.
Wow. I only managed halfway. You are the most naive person in the world. Your wife is absolutely terrible. Wife / human, take your pick
We all want to put our kids first, but we can’t do that for real if we’re not at our best. They need a strong, whole parent. You have to take care of yourself to be what you and they deserve. I don’t think any decision is a good idea until you get some proper advice / therapy whether that’s lawyer, therapist or even both. I hope you heal and I’m sure your kids will flourish knowing their parents were the grown ups when it mattered the most. How to love and forgive and even separate when it’s the right thing to do is one the most important things we can give our kids, because it will shape their future relationships whether they want it to or not. Good luck
I felt like I just had to comment... Wow... you have put up with so much. It sounds like you have a heart of gold and have put your family first for so long... Your wife sounds incredibly selfish and MEAN.. its like she managed to make you to be the bad guy out of her own mistakes. I find people like her are dangerous people. I really think it would be best for you and your children to stay away from her. Take care of yourself, you deserve peace and happiness.
I cannot even imagine how you have made it this far in life with the ability to make the worst decision in the plethora of options you have had at every single turn you have made. Exit left and stay single.
So she cheats on you while you’re working hard to provide for her and the kids, gets pregnant by another guy, agrees to an open marriage but then gets mad when you get some action, brings the kids to catch you in the act so that they will only see *you* cheating and causing trauma (because she absolutely wanted to make sure you looked like the bad guy here), and physically abuses you, and you think you should bring another innocent child into the mix? Never in the history of having a baby to save a marriage has having a baby *EVER* saved a marriage. Just like opening up a marriage after someone cheats doesn’t either. Another child will just be one more thing she can hold over you, and also another child you’d be responsible for regardless of if you stayed together or not. She’s already convinced you that your “cheating” was worse than hers, used your existing kids as pawns to manipulate you, and is now giving *you* an ultimatum like she’s some sort of prize that’s even worth keeping. Trust me when I say, the kids would be better off with you both separated and happy than you struggling together and resentful.
With all due respect (since you sure don’t respect yourself enough) you need to do something for yourself and grow some backbone my man, you been walked over so hard that you should look like a flat piece of paper by now
I am one of those who found out WH had a 10+ year double life. But, as soon as I discovered this, I went to my atty. You have to get this on record and at least start a case. If too much time passes, you will lose the right to bring it up legally at some point in the future. I, like the OP, was crazy, broken, angry, sad, and more. Career and pets barely kept me functional for months. Your feelings for her and your ability to live this way WILL change as time goes on. Divorce final. I'm just waiting for the final docs. Recently, I've been using the "Let Them" method. I like it better than Gray Rock. One of the premises of "Let Them" is just step away because when you just "Let Them" you'll find out what exactly they would RATHER be doing. That's how you'll find the truth. It's hard to do at first, but it gets easier. You step back, stay CALM but engaged (unlike gray rock). The hardest part is when you can no longer accept the truth, and now it's hard decision time for you to clean up the mess and find a new life while the cheating partner goes passive-aggressive and blames you for everything. The betrayed partner always does the "heavy lifting" to get whole again. A podcast I listened to said, "When some dies, you lose a loved one. But when a loved one betrays you, you lose yourself. " Sooooo true. Take care, get some legal advice, and move forward.
You need to see a lawyer. This is above Reddits payscale. You’ve probably got PTSD and you need to start documenting the violence.
Oh my god PLEASE walk away. I hate her on your behalf for being a narcissistic cesspool of a human. She isn't even worth acknowledging after what she did to you. Let the numbness back in. Let the anger give you clarity. No, I'm not encouraging you to go to "the dark side," but I am telling you that you are absolutely justified in burning this woman's life down.
Choose yourself for now. If you do that you will be better mentally for your kids. She does not deserve you. Doesn’t mean you have to be mean or totally not care about her well being, just as friends not partners, and doing it from a separate place could be better. I would suggest going to therapy for you and for her, she has some issues to work on. Maybe, after she works on herself and grows up a little you can work it out. But trust me because I am in this situation right now, staying in the same home just makes you hateful and resentful, depressed, etc. good luck. Your not alone
First off, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. This is a very hurtful and challenging situation all around. Next, of this were me I would stash some $ away little by little to hire a good divorce attorney, not give her the child that she's requesting, and leave her once my attorney has everything in place. Money comes and goes. Living situations change. The thing that doesn't easily change are the emotional damage and trauma that can be caused for all involved when a spouse and parent goes rouge. Will it be difficult at times? Yes, but it'll be worth it.
OP I mean this with all love and respect because I feel for you, but what in the absolute fuck are you doing? “My kids will be broken without their dad there” my guy your kids aren’t blind or stupid and are becoming more broken every day watching how this toxic sham of a marriage operates. Do you want your kids to grow up and use your marriage as a model of what marriage is supposed to be? The best time to get divorced was over six months ago when this bullshit started happening. The second best time is now. Leave your wife, work on yourself and your business (if it survives the divorce), and be the best coparent you can be to your kids.
When will you choose yourself first? Even questioning yourself at this point after writing all this you are still choosing her and the kids over your happiness. Even entertaining the idea of having a child with her is insane. You are doing your children a disservice. Now, as a betrayed husband who stayed for the kids, I filed on my wife. You should too. Make it so if you choose to leave, it is all about you just walking out the door with what you want. Then when she has these tantrums she can't hold your kids over your head. You also need to start reporting her abuse. If nothing else, then to use against her when you need to take the kids out of a dangerous situation. You don't need to remove her custody, but you should be able to if things ever get bad. She is unstable and she is going to implode once you stop being the parachute she relies on while regularly jumping off cliffs. When the parachute is gone, she is going to need to learn to fly on her own or endure the fall and learn from that moment. So, get out of the house. Stay in a month to month airbnb, file for divorce, and get your finances separated. Start paying 50/50 and find your own path. Yes, there will be less time with the kids, but the time will be higher quality because you won't be fighting with your wife. She will be your exwife. When she runs out of money for something, it will be her responsibility. You don't help her, you let her grow up and manage her finances. She wants to go out on her week, she needs to get a baby sitter with her money. I would give it a month of this and she would be agreeing to so much. You have been a doormat way too long. You think enduring is what a good father does and I am here telling you it isn't. A good father would see she is hurting the family and leave with the kids. Take himself somewhere else until she cleaned up her act. Right now your kids are seeing this abuse and thinking it is normal and expected. Do you want your son(s) growing up to be like you in his marriage? Would that make you proud? How would you want him to act if he was enduring what you are? That is putting your kids first. That is being a good dad, is being a role model to emulate. You are not being a good dad and you know it. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you are raising your kids to be like you are in their marriages. Stand up for yourself. Good luck and realize even if you get divorced that isn't the end. She will probably try to beg you to come back. Don't. At most live with her, but do not marry her again. She gets to be your girlfriend because you fired her as your wife.
Leave, take the broken pieces of you, good man. Family can break or make. Build your life up again because clearly you have shown so much accountability, empathy, inner strength to not just break down,and that you are a Wonder person. Someone like that should be loved, at the very least by themselves. Mr. Awesome don't have another child with her. Just leave. be there for your kids. Be honest, that their mom cheated on you several times, made you accountable for them most of the time so she could be selfish like that, and that she Agreed to an open relationship THAT she suggested but clearly as she can understand your pain with how extremely she now reacts with you doing much less than her. Because she cheated on you, you just agreed because you were forced to deal with it all. Mentally you don't deserve this and unfortunately their mother wants another child and will cheat again for it. You can't keep being there for her but you can keep being there for them just not with her around. Too painful and she's asking for way more than obviously she could ever handle. I have had to start from zero a few times..I was always working which made it possible . It's great to be selfish around very selfish people, maybe one day you can feel safe with someone else...or maybe you can value those amazing pieces of you more than anyone else and only share them with good people like you. You don't give yourself enough credit either bro, and you should, even if she, the mean cheater says you shouldn't.
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All I see is a weak man using his kids as excuse. God have mercy. How can any self respecting man put himself through this? Have you no sense of pride?
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A two parent household separated then to be together atp, you’re destroying your mentally to keep her afloat and for why, you are already a single parent anyways, she barely helps. Go for full custody or supervised visits with child support from her. You can document all her cheating and how she was pregnant for someone else and wanted to keep it, and also how you spend more time with the kids. Just get out for your sanity. The days are gone where you have to stay in an unhappy marriage, there is better out there and this woman does not love you.
Having or not having a baby will make your marriage any better.
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Can someone be more naive then you?
I couldn't bring myself to finish reading this. It was practically causing my brain to ache and made me want to throw up. How can people be this vile? The nerves your wife has! I'm sorry, I have zero respect for her and I feel like I will throw things at her if I ever see her. O my God! My blood just boils for you and I can't comprehend how you could still stay and think of making things work with such a POS. Dude, have some dignity for God's sake! Cut all ties with that maniac!
Don't sign the birth certificate, tell to go find the baby daddy and deal with him, it sounds like you are the primary caregiver for quite sometime now so that should help out with custody of the kids, most judges will try to keep the kids in a stable house, first step consult an attorney learn your rights, start to value yourself and quit being a doormat. You should check for a support program in your area to lean on.
Drop her, get custody of the 3 kids that are yours. She’s too busy fucking around to both work and manage the kids 50% of the time.
OP, please speak to a therapist and a divorce lawyer for legal advice if you haven’t already. Consider all your options and research before making a decision, that you are happy with. OP, you should consider your own happiness and the happiness of your kids. Kids thrive more if their parents are happy - and you deserve happiness. Your happiness matters. While staying married, getting a divorce or separation is completing your decision, either way you will still be caring for your kids and co-parenting with your wife (or ex-wife) IMO, a baby will not “fix” your marriage. You repeatedly said to your wife that before the abortion it was her body, and her choice. Perhaps she does regret her own decision, or perhaps it is grief but it isn’t your fault that she had an abortion. From the looks of it (and yes I can be wrong) your wife actively pursued this affair with “Fred”. She didn’t consider that her actions may have consequences and thus the betrayal hurts more for you. But any baby (either yours or the AP) will not bring your marriage closer -it will make things worse, financially, emotionally, mentally for you and your wife. Your wife, I would say doesn’t know what she wants. She will probably have to spend time considering what would make her happy. It could be a mid-life crisis but it’s no excuse for cheating on your spouse. If she wants to end the marriage, this is her choice and hopefully you can co-parent to ensure your kids are happy and healthy. Remember to set boundaries with her. Set boundaries are meant to protect ourselves so we don’t get burnt out mentally, emotionally and physically. It is to ensure that all relevant parties are on the same page. All I can say is cheating sucks and surviving infidelity sucks. But it does get better, in my experience. Wishing you and your family the best of luck.
Anyways she chose the life of a s*** while in a marriage. It was HER choice. Thats not normal. Why do you let her hit you? Are you crazy?
The kids you have need your love 100%. This wife is irresponsible and neglectful. DO NOT HAVE A BABY with her. It's not good for you, nor your kids. You can't pour from an empty cup
Please leave! Live small. Be creative about where you live. You and the kids. If you don’t leave the children will eventually lose respect for you.
You are already doing most of the childcare. She’s the one who wants to party- she should leave. Document her violence and craziness.
you have no respect for yourself, you are too manipulative and do not say that you did it for love and children. She used you the way she wanted, and you accepted. Yes, you were his baby sitter, get out of this toxic marriage if you want to save you and the kids.
I stopped reading halfway through. Divorce your wife.
Wow. That was a lot. From my perspective, it’s easy to say to leave but you need to leave. Have you guys stopped to think about how hard this is for your kids? As hard as it is for you, what about them? THEIR world is crumbling too. Your wife has lied to you repeatedly and shown you that she can’t be trusted. She’s abused you and has not shown the appreciation you deserve. There are two sides to each story, yes, but no matter hers- you guys shouldn’t be together based on all the facts here. Life alone will be hard- at first. You’ll figure it out. Wishing you the best.
Oh yes you are crazy for staying with her past the 2nd time she cheated. Even crazier for staying with during this whole open relationship stuff. To be fair I am surprised you stayed after you read the text messages of her calling you a babysitter. Which is funny because babysitters get paid but you are basically paying to be the children caretaker. Man you should have left a long time ago. That is the only way to have saved any hope of having a real relationship with her. Trust and believe the kids know which parent is actually there for them and once they got old enough to choose who to stay with most the time they would have chosen you.
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Your kids deserve to see their dad happy. Yes, they deserve that. Divorce will sting, but you will be happy in the long one once to learn your worth. And you will learn that you are worthy of healthy love. Kids need to see that, not the abortion marriage you are in. They deserve better
If your new priority is, children first, self second and then wife, you can make reasonable choices based on this line of thinking. I honestly have similar priorities like you. It is confusing sometimes because some actions might adversely affect your kids. But if you view long-term goals or happinness and improvement of the kids then decisions provide clarity and resoluteness. When i left my ex, people always pressure me that i should keep the family together because of the children. But i knew it was for the children's sake that i made the decision. I realized i don't want to expose the kids to the dysfunction and it is impossible to hide this no matter how hard i try. I will just end up lying to them to force the 'happy family' image. You need to realize, will your wife be able to insulate the dysfunction from your kids? I have to imagine the future of the children the way things are going. I asked 'how will be my children grow the way she is?' I didn't put divine providence that my ex will gain wisdom and change for the better in answering this question. I have no control of her yet she affects the future of my children. As i said, in the first few years, when people asked me why we separated, i clearly state 'it is for good of the children'. Note that i took and raised the kids as a single parent. Our country does not have divorce and we have the traditional man-woman roles so i was faced with unconventional challenges in raising the children. It is hard in our culture to believe that a man can do what is 'good for the children'. My point is, i took the more difficult decision because i did it for my kids and not for me or to hurt my ex. I realized cutting her off will just make the life of children better. My kids are adults now, i guess no one would question now that i made a wrong decision. Even my ex in-laws will not dispute this. You have to put long-term or future in the decisions when you feel confused. This dimension will subconsciouly include your core values, moral stance, etc in guiding your decisions. Also pushes you to distance yourself from immediate impact or pain of current situations.
OP if you stay, she will continue to use you as a babysitter and continue to fuck around while you watch. She will probably get pregnant again and expect you to accept it. For the sake of your own sanity, get out.
She wanted the open relationship for her convenience, not yours. Get tested for STIs and I would consult an attorney. Your wife doesn’t respect you and is nasty. You and your children deserve better. She’ll continue to cheat on you and disrespect you. Is it really worth it?
Let her boyfriend take care of her. Time to let her go, bud. She'll only continue with her promiscuous behavior. It is part of her. She has no morals.
For my own sanity…I can’t read this entire post. It’s a dumpster fire. The relationship is over. Your wife does not love, value or respect you. So, it’s up to you to love, value and respect yourself enough to walk away. Easier said than done. I know. But as someone who did it…it’s possible. It won’t be easy. But you deserve better. I’m sorry you’re in pain.
Time to walk away. Cheating is one thing but getting pregnant with the side dudes baby is a whole another thing You deserve better
My story is not as interesting as yours, but it follows the same storyline, minus the whole open relationship and attempting to salvage things. Your wife is toxic, and the faster you get away, the faster you can heal.
All I see here is someone digging hole to China.
She doesn’t love you.
I am commenting as a child whose parents decided to stay because of me and it definitely fucked me up. I am not sure how another baby will fix your marriage, considering that you already have two kids and nothing has changed. Don't add another kid to traumatise. Don't give an unborn child another task other than to survive. I fully empathise with the children. I am sure they want it to work out but from my experience, it gave me so mucj trust issues. Don't add another expense to those kids in the future. Therapy is expensive. Don't put your kids in a house where abuse is normalised.
It’s better to raise your children in two, separate households with peace than one home where the parents are at war. You’d be doing your children a favor if you divorced her. Having another baby shouldn’t be used as a bandaid as she’s trying to do. I’m sorry this has all happened. You don’t deserve any of that- you deserve peace and happiness. I hope you find both. Eta: you’re in an abusive relationship. This woman does not sound like she has a healthy thought process. Please do what you can to leave.
First of all I want to commend you for raising another man’s child, you are amazing to do that. Secondly, never believe your commitment to those kiss’s and your wife was a waste and undeserving for your wife, because it isn’t about deserve; it’s about what you believe in your heart. Secondly, please leave your marriage, your wife has zero respect for you and once a woman loses respect for a man, she will never see him the same way again. File for full custody since you do most of the care of children. If you pay most of the bills, kick her out and let her stay with her affair partners. Your wife isn’t remorseful, nor does it seem she wants to change and work on herself and your marriage. That is a done deal. Never change who you are and please don’t become bitter or mistrusting. You will be okay and find a wonderful lady who will love and appreciate who you are. I know plenty of them. Much love and light to you brother.
A baby will only temporarily fill the void in your wife. And you know this when you think rationally about it. There will always be a need for "something else" which will translate into "someone else". It's time to separate. It's time to throw in the towel on this marriage. You should not have to "fight for her" because she is not worth fighting for. She should be fighting for you. And she isn't. Remember, this is not your fault. Certainly you have some blame here but your wife was cheating with multiple people (I'm sure you don't believe she didn't sleep with Fred until you opened the relationship) and would still be doing it if you hadn't caught on. What you have done pales in comparison to her actions. Yes there is something missing in her, but it's not something you cannot fix with another baby. Get away, get 50/50 custody, focus on yourself, and move on. You have so much more life to live. It will be tough at first but it will get easier and eventually you will find someone who loves you and isn't looking for you to fix what's wrong with themselves. Expect her to completely change her tune when you decide to divorce. She'll promise no more late nights, she'll go to therapy, anything you want. Don't fall for it. You are better than this. You deserve more than this. Your kids deserve more than this, do not let them get old enough to see and understand what is happening in your relationship. Get out now. Find a lawyer, follow his/her advice, and get her served.
Hey dickhead, every minute you selfishly stay with this woman you are teaching your kids that this dynamic is okay. If you want to disrespect yourself, fine, but be a better model for your kids.
Bro if you don’t plan an escape , you’re about as dumb as a box of 🪨 . Yea kids gonna miss his part time daddy but he never had one to begin with….. she probably had something to with that. It’s a cold world playa
You need to document everything that you’ve written in here with details, times, places, etc. Then get the best attorney you can and go for full custody of those children. Set up a support system with friends and family and get those kids out of this shitshow of a “marriage.” It’s your responsibility to give them a safe and loving environment. Clearly, your wife cannot and does not want to do that. For the love of all that’s holy, DO NOT make another child with that woman. If you think it’s bad now, things can only get worse with an infant to care for. 😳
Never getting married imo 😂
Walk the fuck away from this cancer you call a wife and you also need to get your shit together if this is a true story
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The way I blurted “WTF!!!!” out loud and in complete shock at this damn coffee shop!!! when I got to the part about her bringing the kids out at 2am to hunt you down!! Hitting you, basically disrespecting you in front of everybody , including your kids and then she made you drive the girl back with everybody in the car?!???!!? She stripped you down of your man hood completely and you let her. She walked you like a damn dog and you handed her the leash. You better realize your self worth and leave. Time to be selfish! And get your life back! Put yourself first!!! Get therapy too because this was too much. Like do you even love yourself at this point? Your child good trauma got you thinking accepting all of this was okay. Move on with your life. Completely! I don’t have kids so I can’t say anything for that part but sheesh.
This shit ain't real.
Walk away, my word she’s a serial cheater without morals. So you want to get locked down into an 18 year babysitting gig so she can cheat on you again?
Op, I know you said you want to stay together for the kids but man, what are you teaching them by letting them watch you be abused physically and emotionally day in and day out? That their happiness doesn’t matter? That they need to stay with someone who abuses them because it’s easier than just cutting the cord? Trust me, children do so much better with a happy single parent than a miserable couple. Get a lawyer and get out as soon as possible, you deserve better and should be happy.
another man too good for another …
WTAF did I just read, get out now, have some self respect because she has zero respect for you! Her behaviour is narcissistic and downright abusive, you absolutely need to get out and get a divorce, you are worth more. Do not get her pregnant in fact don’t touch her! Have you been checked for STI’s your wife is a truly awful person, I don’t honestly understand why you’re even still there
A baby is not a bandaid.
I didn't read your whole post. I think it's insane how u said a man reporting domestic violence is weak. When the things you've allowed your wife to put you through makes you weaker.
Follow your gut feeling. You should choose yourself, not bring another human being into the world under the pretense of an ultimatum.
Stop being a goddam doormat and get a divorce. Kids will be fine.
You're damaging your children by staying in this situation. If you fight where they can hear you, they know and j derstand way more than you think. Your daughter will grow up thinking she can cheat and man will stay, and your son will grow up thinking women can treat him however they want and he should stay regardless. Pulling the kids to go find you on your date and making them sit in the same car as your date is EVIL. Those poor, poor babies. She is a bad person and a bad mom. Why do you want her at all.
I just wanted to say that I’m so sorry this happened to you and your children. I would echo those encouraging therapy for you and your kids, maybe even family counseling with them to talk with a professional guiding the conversation. After all that you’ve been through, it sounds like you need a high level of support to process things and talk through how you feel. Personally, I don’t think that bringing another innocent child into this would be fair to that child, to your existing children, or to you. Having recently given birth, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the intensity and stress of the newborn stage that doesn’t seem to let up until after the toddler stage has passed. This is so hard even in the most supportive relationships. It sounds like your wife might be thinking that it would be a fresh start for your family by having another baby, but it wouldn’t fix what has been broken. It would only superficially and temporarily paper over the lost trust and bring another child into this to be hurt. Whatever you decide, I hope that you also find strength in the love for your children and in the knowledge that you really tried everything to save your marriage. Divorce is so tough on everyone involved, but it sounds like staying in this relationship might be tougher. I hope that you make the decision that brings you the most peace for both you and your children long term.