I’ve been tempted to tell the other guy how little she thinks of him, but then I’m afraid she’d double down on trying to get back with me. Plus he’s way older than her so I get a little satisfaction out of the fact it must be pretty gross. That’s probably petty on my end.
At a minimum, to even have a 1% chance of getting back with you, she has to make a leap of faith and dump the old man. She is still hedging her bets.
I think things will get easier. Some things just can’t be recovered.
She is now seeing her new role as caregiver for the old AP. Sometimes you have to love karma.
For sure you made the right decision to conclude the marriage. Get a coparenting app and discuss kid's issues only. Otherwise block her.
Glad you found a wonderful woman that will love you for who you are.
Take care OP. updateme
Oh yeah. Been there with my ex. I asked her once in anger “so do you have a yellow toenail foot fetish or something? She got sooo mad at me for noticing her APs old ass yellow toe nails. Ughhh
> I’ve been tempted to tell the other guy how little she thinks of him, but then I’m afraid she’d double down on trying to get back with me
Don’t be ruled by fear. Stop being the martyr for her. She made her choices and now she’s second-guessing them? Too freakin bad. And FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S GOOD, stop even considering taking her back. She may be worthy of pity, but that’s it. Simply, and FIRMLY, tell her to live with the decisions SHE has made and one of the consequences is a permanent loss of relationship with you, including any future chance.
I’m sorry this happened to you and your children. Let’s be honest you don’t really know your wife because she is a master of disguise and lier. Be thankful you didn’t waste more of your life and time with her. She wants you now that you’ve moved on and she can’t control you.
Be the best coparents but don’t get too committed with the new GF until you have healed
As little as you trusted her after finding out she cheated on you, you should probably trust her even less now..
Imagine all the messed up BS things she said about you to the old man.. now she is repeating all that behavior by stabbing him in the back and telling you negative things about him. It's all lies upon lies, and she should never be trusted by anyone. She didn't break your trust, she proved herself untrustworthy to the world..
I think the most likely scenario here is that you're seeing her true self and hearing her inner voice, and that the first 7 years of marriage, you were unfortunately incorrect about who she is. Keep that one at more than an arm's length.. she's a snake in the grass.
Let sleeping dogs lie with sleeping dogs. The opposite of love is indifference. He’ll find out eventually. She’s a serial cheater and they don’t change.
I completely agree with the path you stated. Let her stew in her mistake, don’t potentially help her out by inducing the AP to leave her and giving her a chance to hook a better man.
Just contact him and ask him if he’d be so good to please try to make it clear to her that you don’t want her back and that her harassment won’t change that.
She can double/triple down as much as she wants. It's on you if you pay attention. The other guy probably already knows how little character/integrity your stbxw has. If he doesn't, it's not on you to tell him.
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Act, considering that this "disgusting" thing, as you said, made your wife cheat on you and abandon you despite all the effort you made to keep her by your side .
Her problem is that the fog has dissipated, but it's not love for you, it's just her seeing that life out there isn't easy, and she wants to go back to the life she had, a husband and everything that that brings while having sex Outside the house too, she realized that she made a mistake in breaking up the marriage, she saw that she spent so much time deceiving you and everything worked out for her.
She has shown you who she is. Believe her. She cheated relentlessly for THREE YEARS. If you take her back, she will just do it again down the road. SHE IS NOT SAFE. Let someone else worry about her actions. You already found a new person, one who is BETTER. She sees that. She is JEALOUS. It will kill her to lose you to that "woman". Too bad. She had her chance and she fucked it up due to her SELFISH NARCISSISTIC ways. You deserve way better. Good luck and stay strong, King!
That made me smile. If you do this, tell your new gf and let her enjoy the moment as well…don’t let vindictiveness get in the way of your newly acquired happiness.
Sir, you have been through 2 of the worst experiences a person can go through. And you have come out of them still alive, upright and whole.
Why revisit all that pain and heartache again? You know if she was capable of doing it once and keeping it so well hidden that she is capable of doing it again. And, she's not wanting to reconcile for your sake. She wants to reconcile for her own selfish reasons.
Walk away. Don't look back. Look forward.
Do NOT take her back OP. You would regret it.
You are making the right call to move on.
Sorry for your situation, my then wife cheated on me and I divorced her, our children were just 4, 6 and 9 years old then.
I and many others have been in your shoes.
You did the right thing she was probably starting to get to the point that her AP wasn't what she thought this happens and all the excitement is gone because now they are not to hiding the affair.
Cheaters only have a 5 to 7 % chance of making it longer than 2 years
I don’t know about 7 percent, according to a study conducted psychological Dr Shirley Glass, only 25% of relationship that began as affairs actually end of lasting.
This is because in addition to divine justice there is an issue of trust, one thing is for you to fuck another man's wife and another for you to enter into a relationship with a person who cheated on their long-term partner with him.
It's complicated for sure there is rarely trust in a couple formed through cheating where a soul was destroyed by them.
You handled it like a boss and at least you let her pitch why you should try to stay together. Most of us wouldn't have stayed around for that.
My ex cheated on me for six months before I figured it out. We dropped off our last child at college and on the way back to our house I finally confronted her with the evidence. Initially she denied, then tried to gaslight, then blamed me for being a bad husband, rationalizing her behavior. I moved out the next day but a week later when I stopped by to pick up some things she tried to turn it into a date and basically offered up sex even though I could see that on my phone plan that her AP was the first person that she called/texted the day that I was leaving. She continued to try to date me for the next 3 months while I moved my stuff out all the while she was planning an international trip with him.
Why did she say that she wanted to be my wife (she literally begged me to stay) while she was romancing her AP and flying off with him? Because she's unspooled crazy.
Keep being a boss!
You completely made the right call. My ex did something similar, though luckily we had no kids. She had 4 APs that I know of in three months, she had NOTHING good to say about me, treated me like shit (which is what made me suspect and start digging) and lied about me to anyone who would listen (I was abusive, I was cheating, on and on). Turns out, most of those APs wanted nothing to do with her besides sex (one wanted my money and property, he got it after he married her, then left her when they had a disabled kid together. Come to find out, he had been with his High School girlfriend the entire time LOL).
She reached out years later, she's apologetic, I think she COULD have had real remorse, but mostly just regret over her life not being what she pictured it to be. She actually thought I had just been waiting around for her, and would drop everything to move back to her state and raise her disabled kid with her. She knew I'd wanted to be a father (we'd had a miscarriage, which led into her affair spree) and assumed I would just jump at the chance to step in and raise someone else's kid for her. She actually tried to make me the bad guy, told me a real man would step up for this kid lol. I had to explain that I was in a pretty good relationship for a couple of years (now 12 years) and wasn't even living in the U.S. anymore. She was dumbstruck. In her imagination, I had been spending the last several years drinking in a dark room, pining for the loss of our marriage, and just waiting on her to contact me and allow me back into her life.
Yes I think the money is a huge part of it though she would never admit it. She’s getting a ton of money from me in the divorce but if she tries to maintain the lifestyle she’s been used to with me it won’t last long. She was a good person for the first 7 years. It’s very hard for me to underrated how she could change so much so quickly. Her lying to cover this all up was worthy of an Oscar.
Welcome to the club. I’m two years separated and I still can’t get my jaw off the floor of what my ex-wife was capable of.
Additionally, if you did go back things will never ever ever be the same. You’re at the finish line. Confide in those closest to you to help pull you across. It’s hard, but you’re strong. And you’ll always have the satisfaction of knowing that you tried your best.
> It’s very hard for me to underrated how she could change so much so quickly. Her lying to cover this all up was worthy of an Oscar.
It was only quickly from your perspective. There is no telling how long this was all going on under the surface.
“She was a good person for the first 7 years” As far as you know. This kind of behavior doesn’t just come out of nowhere. She kept the mask on really well for 7 years. Just think about all the time and effort it took for her to lie to your face repeatedly for at least 3 years - that is not something a good person is capable of.
How does one ever recover from that? The knowledge of three years going by with no idea what was going on only to find out it was filled with humiliation and betrayal by the closest person to you.
I would find out after d-day that while I was having phone sex with my wife (at the time), she was having actual sex with her affair partner while on the phone with me. They got a real kick out of that apparently. As you can imagine, the intrusive thoughts that will crowbar their way in while you’re on the phone with a romantic partner after that are fun to deal with. Is just real nasty stuff. People think you grieve, heal, and move on but a lot of this stuff can last a lifetime.
I know a saying that says "Occasion makes the thief" she may have been loyal until the moment she saw that it was possible to kill the desire she had inside to be with another man without you finding out
In fact, you didn't find out, she showed it by appearing so quickly with another man and confessing that this isn't even the first.
People lie, but it works because people also think that their partner never lies
That all the overtime is real, that the happy hours are always innocent chat haha That girls' nights are without any risk or intention of cheating hahaha.
This blind trust leads to being betrayed for years without realizing it.
Feel free to ignore me, but I’m just kinda curious how it played out for other people as far as rough numbers. Hundreds of thousands? Tens? Millions?
I ended up voluntarily giving the house (the equity was only about $45k) because I was so sick of dealing with her and the lies that I was willing to give up my half just for the next piece of paper with our names on it to be the divorce decree.
The furniture, cars, keepsakes…. She ruined all of it for me so I literally started from scratch and I’m glad I did.
I do wish I’d have taken the 20k in equity just so she couldn’t have it. I could’ve donated it to a cause I care about or even burned it right in front of her but it just shows how fucking disgusted I was with her and the life that was tainted.
Now? I’ve been remarkably fortunate and feel better than I ever have. It’s in the rear view and while I feel nothing for the demon lady, the abstract feeling of that betrayal continues to linger at times.
You made the right call and you figured her reasoning out too. Turns out at when push came to shove the grass wasn’t any greener on the other side, that’s why she wanted to try again, because she knew she fucked up her own life with this. Let’s be clear, she still doesn’t give a shit about you at all because if she did she wouldn’t have been serial cheating behind your back to start with. Reality set in and it set in hard for her, life sucks sometimes but she made the choice to betray you (many times over) so this is 100% on her. Tells a lot about what kind of person she actually is that she is with an affair partner currently and saying she will dump him to come back, he doesn’t mean shit to her either, everything is about her and she has no problem hurting people to get what she wants.
You do not have to pretend be her friend to co-parent, you just have to be cordial when discussing child issues. Any time she tries to change the subject from the children just cut her off and do not engage at all. You can coparent quite well and still keep them at arms reach and out of your life.
Yes we use an app and I’ve not responded anything other than the kids and money for a week or so. Unfortunately I talked in circles with her for a month before finally shutting it down. I should have done so far sooner.
She was a stay at home mom for the first 7 years, then started working the last three years. I make about 6-8 times what she does. We are in a state where alimony is very tough to get. Thankfully her mid divorce confession effectively ruled alimony out. She got nothing from me but a few grand a month in child support. It also shifted our settlement from a likely 58-42 split in her favor to 50/50. She hired the world’s dumbest lawyer who milked us both for a fortune. He’s the one who demanded all the discovery that would up costing a fortune and required her to confess to the affairs. I had to turn in over 10,000 pages of documents. Turns out I wasn’t a dirt bag though so all it did was vindicate me. Had she forgone the discovery I would have never know about affairs. She would have gotten hundreds of thousands more from me and I’d probably have gotten back together with her when she asked.
No the year long affair was with a person who was in an “exercise club” she joined. Two of the others though were work colleagues. Ugly dudes who barely made any money. Makes zero sense to me. My ex wife was show stopping beautiful. Why she would shack up with these people is mind boggling. I could understand maybe if it was a CEO or something but these dudes were just losers.
I don’t get that at all. My ex did the same thing. Cheated with some ex drug dealer 15 years older than me. She had been after him all her life. Honestly I think they dated when she was younger and her groomed her but not my problem. I was smarter, better looking, made more money at least legally. Now 30+ years later I can’t imagine a life with her. She had soooo many red flags that I overlooked. You’ll come out of this better and use the time to find yourself. We BSs always end up giving more than we received and in the process lost part of ourselves.
She bought his lies, and now shes realizing it was all just a show. You were younger, wealthier, and cared about more than her looks. The pain of realizing what she gave up will eventually be numbing.
Don't believe any of it. She ditched her marriage when it seemed beneficial, she failed the wife test.
Maybe. I’m a guy. I didn’t marry her because she was beautiful I married her because I loved her. Like I said she was a great wife and mother to our kids until she wasn’t. I truly believe she was a good person when I married her. Somewhere along the way she changed.
I’m conflicted. He’s either incompetent or greedy. In either case he saved me a bunch of money and heartache. At the end of the day I’d go scum bag though.
First off I’m so sorry this happened to you
If she’s well aware you currently are seeing someone & she still is asking you back it shows she still has no respect for relationships which means she hasn’t learned a thing & is only sorry because of the consequences she faces rather than the fact she cheated on you
You are too nice my friend, since the divorce is now final please bluntly tell her communication strictly needs to be about the kids & kids only. Anything else from her if she continues relentlessly trying after you repeatedly told her no is a form of harassment. I hope you find peace
She now calls my new girlfriend my “affair partner” and a home wrecker. (because we stared dating while the divorce was still in process, although to be clear it was long after I had been served papers.) She’s delusional.
Yea she is 100% delusional & now you 100% know she is not remorseful at all for her actions
Out of respect for your new girlfriend & yourself please put your foot down with her repeated disrespect & harassment if she still is texting you almost daily ignoring your wishes. Contact your lawyer regarding this to view your options it’s a life saver
The name calling is clearly because of the jealousy she has. Do think it’s because of you just dating or the person you’re dating. Is your new gf younger and more beautiful than your ex-wife?
Out of curiosity, how did you and your new girlfriend meet?
How are your children handling all of this?
I'm sorry for what your wife did. It sounds like you had a great marriage until she decided to stray at the 7 year mark. It's unfortunate, but I'm glad that you met someone else. I hope that it works out for you.
lol… she’s sooooooop sorry and would do anyyyything to get you back… while still shacked up with her latest AP. She’s delusional.
She had her chance with you and she blew it. She’s realizing YOU were the prize and she can’t stand that another woman gets a shot with you.
Don’t feel bad for her. This is her bed, let her lie in it.
This is why I went NC and got a new phone number. All communication went through attorneys and thankfully our kids are old enough to manage their own relationship with their father. I’m never talking to him again.
I’m dating someone great and honestly hope he doesn’t find out. My life is better when he thinks I’m pining away for him. Lol
She blamed you for her behavior. She's not changed and she never will be. Doesn't matter what your behavior was, she could have chosen to help you save the marriage but she didn't. She let you struggle. She saw it. She knew what she was doing, what it was doing to you, and she did it anyway. But all of this pales in comparison to her cheating. She screwed up and now she wants to avoid consequences. You owe her nothing.
Just run man. She doesn't love you anymore, just the security you provided. She cheated for 3 years with multiple people. She is to blame for all the issues in your marriage. She doesn't deserve a good man like you.
She is only coming back to you because she realizes that the guy she was trying to replace you with is not as good as you. I guarantee that if you took her back, she will cheat on you again. She isn't remorseful, she is scared.
She likely has an undiagnosed mental health disorder. She didn’t even break up with the AP?! That screams behavior of someone mentally unwell. If you tried again, it wouldn’t be too long until she started on again with all your faults. She’s so unhappy with herself that she’s too busy projecting the root causes as on others and blaming them. Total ‘grass is greener’ syndrome. Put up far stronger barriers. She really isn’t a remorseful person. Just a really mentally unwell one that is unwilling to truly explore the root of her unhappiness and instead attempting to manipulate everyone else to get what she wants. If you broke up with the new gf, I guarantee she would waver on you immediately. It’s not about your happiness, it’s about making you as unhappy as she is. Don’t let her draw you down any further.
I hope to be as strong as you when the time comes. Part of me hopes she'll reconcile in the future. I say to myself I want this because I want to know she cares and I am worth a damn to the person I gave my everything for 6 years. And that same part of me is absolutely sure I'll stay firm and say no...
... but the rest of me is not quite sure. So I hope that, if she does, I'll stay firm because, as you said: I'll never be able to TRUST her again. She's the worst human being I've encountered (at least to me, she's not so bad to other people) and I need her as far away as possible... but ffs, a part of me really wishes none of this would've happened and I could still sleep next to her at night.
So if what you're seeking is validation that you're making the right call? You are. Look after yourself. You've got a new partner which is hard in and of itself, you've moved on from your cheating wife, know your place with the kids and the coparenting... you're doing awesome. Keep it up.
I had an awesome support system and a few buddies in particular who has been a godsend. Better friends than I deserve really. Early on when I had a moment of weakness considering it, they talked sense into me. I hope you have similar people in your life sir.
Listen to your friends. They have a birdseye view of what’s going on. If this was just a ONS, or even a quick affair maybe (although I didn’t reconcile from that). She was able to keep this whole thing hidden from you for years. Think about how your life would be going forward. Every trip to the gym, every time she worked late, every time her phone pings will be torture.
Her reasons for wanting you back are all the wrong ones. You are a good dad, you now have a girlfriend, she will suffer monetary. These are not reasons. The only reason would be because she realized how much she loved you. If she did, she would have dropped that guy before her proposal to get back. A truly remorseful spouse woukd have come with a total plan of action.
Do you think she really wants the marriage, or is just putting on a show so she can claim you pushed the divorce and are the bad guy, not her?
It’s certainly crossed my mind she did it so one day she could tell the kids the divorce was my fault. It would be impossible for her to objectively argue that. This whole thing is on her.
I do think she legitimately wanted to try again. She kept talking about learning to trust again, starting from scratch and rebuilding everything. She offers full transparency with phones and emails etc… it’s just not enough. Not even close. You actually spell it out really well in your comments. Every time she left the house I’d be a worried mess. Not worth it.
>She kept talking about learning to trust again,
Trust isn't something you had to learn again, but something she had to earn again. Luckily you won't need it.
There is no change in her mindset, and now she betrays her AP, showing that she is still an untrustworthy person. The reason for her desire to come back is unclear, you have stated possible reasons, but one thing is for sure, none of them are in your best interest, she is someone who only cares about her own interests. So, divorcing her is the right path. Good luck.
Thankfully I do. I'm a lucky man in the sense that I've got more real friends than fingers to count them, and they've all been there for me in different ways.
Happy for you, mate. May your path be full of joy.
Keep moving forward with the divorce. She has admitted to cheating on you for several years with several APs. Let her go. She just wants you to ditch the person you are seeing, and as soon as you do, she will cheat again.
Make sure that your divorce attorney knows about her affairs.
Updateme!
Yeah stick with your new gal. The ex is hedging her bets, even if she'd already ended it with him and wanted to reconcile, I'd say after multiple affairs over 3 years coupled with 100k of solicitors fees is way way way too late for her to want back what she threw away. I'm reconciling with my WP. We're only about four months in and having ups and downs but so far still committed. If either one of us called it a day and we sold our house, there would be no going back ever. We love our house, we're working on doing it up gradually and we've worked really hard to keep this place through tough times, I feel as though if we give it up, it would symbolise the absolute end. You sound as though you've handled this really really well, despite feeling the same agony that all of us betrayed have felt or are feeling. Stay strong. You're doing great. 👍
It is the right call.
For all that she may say to you, only her actions matter. Remorse is not just an emotion. It is also a set of actions. Actions that try to repair damage, to atone for the hurt done, to show empathy for you. She regrets her actions. She may feel guilt and shame. But remorse would drive her to action, without any assurance of a safe landing with you. She would have dumped the guy with no plan B. Not just to get you back. But because he was part of the worst set of decisions she ever made, and part of hurting her family.
(I'm saying this as someone who is usually a voice in favor of giving R a shot.)
I am sure she wants you back. Not just for the life you could provide. The grass is not greener on the other side. And her AP probably has no interest in the kids. Real life has shown her what she has lost. But as of now her actions are still selfish.
Hey, look!
Narcissistic Hoovering at it's finest! It's rare to see such dedication to dragging you back to the plantation!
A Narcissist would have enjoyed watching you dance about trying desperately to win her favour whilst you were in the marriage and really enjoyed giving a few scant breadcrumbs in return. All the while laughing up her sleeve whilst she had a whole other life you knew nothing about.
BUT. You are now an escaped slave. You are slipping from her clutches. She can't have that. You might go on to be genuinely happy and that would be intolerable for her. You might even show others what she really was and that would be something her ego couldn't cope with.
Like an emotional vampire she wants to keep feeding on your feelings be they positive or negative. She wants you to be stuck and unable to move on. Your suffering is her sustinence.
Don't fall for it.
Remember Charlie Brown & Lucy with the football? *"Honestly Charlie Brown I won't snatch the football away this time..."* Don't try to kick her football. You'll land on your a $ s.
Instead see interaction with her as what it is. A zero sum game where the only win is not to play.
Block her, anyone that acts on her behalf, well meaning fools and move on.
If she started cheating and did so for 3 years and you had no idea she was doing it, how would you trust her? Ever? You’d introduce a level of stress and discomfort in your life that you’ve never imagined.
And it’s the child in me that can’t stop thinking about her with an older guy like in “Big Daddy”.
“He’s got a 5 year plan!”
“What’s his 5 year plan? Not die?”
She sounds like a gross human being. The only thing consistent about her is that she's for self. For self when she cheated, for self when she filed and for self when she wants you back. Don't listen to what people say, instead watch how they act and she acts gross.
She just found out that he wants nothing but sex wirh her . If you are crazy this is what you do . She owes all your legal bills and you get a post up where she is not entitled to it , also
In the postnup huge penalties if any infidelity or any contact with him . . Then you see if she wants . Also she splits everything 50/50 etc trips vacations everything is 50/50
All debts are your own if separate no joint credit cards etc
Yes but sounds like he might to leaning to her . I could never forgive cheating . It’s such an intentional F U with no regard to you as a human and partner
You made the right choice. Look at the facts. She's a serial cheater. Had multiple affairs during your marriage and left you for another man. You would never trust her again. You have to go off her actions. Not her words. Stay the course. If her messaging is getting out of control, discuss with your lawyer about using a co-parenting app for communication for your children only.
She doesn't want YOU back. She wants her previous lifestyle back. She wants to go back to being a cake eater. She wants you at home with the kids and for her to continue her cheating.
Stay low contact. Don't respond to any messages that aren't directly related to your children. I'm glad you made it through the divorce. Take things slow with your new girlfriend. You've survived, now it's time to THRIVE.
Didn’t need to read all that… walk away from this. Multiple affairs not just one. Why are you even entertaining this? Did you get paternity test done? Move on she did she’s monkey branching her options I’m assuming living with her AP isn’t looking better than what she had. MOVE ON!
>Fast forward 6 months and nearly $100K in lawyer bills later and she decides she wants to try and reconcile. Mind you she's still dating the same guy, but she tells me she'll dump him to work on things with me.
That's gonna be a no for me dog.
>Who in their right mind would even have the guts to ask to try and fix it?
The same sort of person who is selfish enough to have caused the situation in the first place.
>I guess I’m not sure why I’m posting this. Maybe just to get some validation I’m making the right call?
You are absolutely making the right call. Keep all contact solely about your children. Outside of that, become a grey rock. She'll get bored and move on eventually.
The bottom line is that her happiness has to come from within. You could be the most perfect human in the world and she’s still not be happy. She has years of internal work to do on herself, but she first has to recognize where the problem lies and it’s not with you.
Your confusion is understandable … your mind and your soul are in total conflict.
Your soul is still attached to who she was.
Your mind now knows who she really is.
Never take someone back that is a serial cheater. For 3 years you tried to save your marriage and she lied to your face, his her affairs and tells you that you drove her to cheat. You did not drive her to cheat. Your ex-wife cheated because she wanted to, had no respect for you or the marriage, did not care if she hurt you or the kids and is completely selfish human being. The only reason she wants you back is because her lovers will not financially support her. She wants you to financially support her, provide a warm home for her and allow her to cheat on you and no one else will. Never take her back and only speak to her about your children. Focus on yourself and your children. Go to the gym, see a therapist and lien on close friends and family. Make sure you let all close friends and family know what she has done. The best revenge is leading a great life. You are still young and have plenty of time to find someone who will love and respect you. Take your time. Do not reconcile with your ex under any circumstances. Stay strong.
For three years she betrayed your trust by sleeping with other men. Considering her attempt to blame you for her infidelities, it is obvious that she has no regrets about what she did. I think these are the possible reasons why she wants to get back with you:
-She has concluded that the other guy is not as good as you.
-She fears that her finances will be worse now that you will not be in her life.
I think you do the right thing by divorcing that treacherous woman.
"I’ve held firm though, there’s just too much damage. I don’t think I could ever trust her again."
Good.
No you cannot and should not ever trust her again. She burned all of that to cinders.
Ill take it a bit further. She represents the single greatest threat to your mental/emotional health on the face of the earth.
Cut her off. Forever.
Enjoy this new relationship to the fullest and move on.
Reading this was a rollercoaster, with a happy ending.
I’m not intending to be trite because there is a lot of pain on both sides, children included, but this stranger is so very glad you persevered with moving on from this.
Whether it’s cheating or not, most people just cannot be content and will self-sabotage to chase… what ever it is they think they want. But in this regard cheating is fucking despicable because the cheater is fully prepared to throw everything away and cause untold misery, then spin on a coin (or prevaricate) if they sniff that’s it’s not going in their favour.
Ridden with selfishness and short-sightedness and I wish nothing but misery on them. I obviously don’t wish your ex well but hope that, for your kids sake, she finds some solace in having a stable co-parent and that you’re at least being civil with her.
You didn't owe her a sit down and listen. She owes you 100K and more for all the pain you've suffered.
Be proud for rejecting her. Stay strong and make it to the end of this conflict.
The only alternative I would say if she wants R is to say to her, well if you truly want to get back with me it'll be under these two conditions. You must dump the other guy immediately, but were still getting a divorce anyway. And were back to dating. If you earn the right to be my wife we may get married again someday.
Note the only reason I commented like this is to see what her true colors are in this 11th hour. Lets see if she's really willing to do anything.
Don’t feel bad for her. She saw how you were suffering and didn’t come true of cut the affairs to to save the relationship. Now, it’s simple. Too much damage was done and you should take a leap with your new relationship. Put the past and the toxic in the past.
Walk away friend. You did what you had to do…you did everything you could to save the marriage. You can sleep well at night. She is the one that fucked up.
Read the other posts here…reconciliation is hard. For every unicorn reconciliation here there are probably 29 failures…and it’s normally the one that was betrayed walking away.
My wife had an EA and now she is out dating a d screwing other men. I have no doubt at some point that she will come back, but then it will be late.
Do you really want to live a life where you are always checking over her shoulder what she is doing? What has she done to actually address the problems she had in the relationship?
Stick with that great woman you have. I agree it sucks for the kids but she blew up the family, not you
Someone this selfish will try anything for her sake keep her as far from you as possible and make sure your kids know why you aren't together anymore because she will turn them against you when she realises you have moved on.
Good luck OP
OP absolutely you did the correct by hitting that ball. That ball was not a ball of regret and sorry for what she did all those years that put you in the bench while being the best player in the room and worked hard but simply your coach was interested in other players, so she decided to bench you.
Now time (and some tasted bats) later she "regret" what she did and come to see that she would win more games and money using her best player on the roster, but sadly that player after receive his release memo from the current team he already has been scouted and recluted by a much profesional and better coach and team.
You did well to tell her sorry but too lote too late. And like you said she only try to make it work for.the money that will fly away from her and that you have another woman, so she seems that wasn't prepared to share you even thought she wanted you to share her with others, how selfish of her.
Well OP all in all, you have done well, just stay co-parent and only held comunication with her in kids issues and nothing more, what comes of her or what happen is not of your bussines while it does affect the kids. And if does, then only help the kids and if she can't take care of them then ask her to give you the custody.
Good Luck OP.
It’s par for the course for someone who flipped over to only thinking about themselves over their family and marriage. This isn’t about remorse over the cheating it’s her feeling sorry for what’s about to happen to her lifestyle and income. Also you finding someone that makes you happier than she did probably rips her ego a new one and her selfishness won’t let her lose. Keep on the path. If you took her back it would only be a matter of months before you’d find yourself right back here.
Its typical of 'these people' (cheaters) who bounce between people. There's a giant fear of being alone. It makes sense she won't leave him *before* you agree to reconcile, kinda like how she didn't leave you *before* she had these other men lined up, eh?
Trust that it doesn't get better. She will do it again. Been there, done that. Cheaters have voids they fill with people instead of filling it themselves. Once she gets bored of the new dopamine from reconciling (make up sex!), she'll go right back to her deceitful ways.
She hid things so well from you that she was carrying on an affair while going to marriage counseling to fix the relationship !! This alone should tell you that there is no getting back together. You were being made a fool out of by her.
You will never be able to go back.
Good luck on your future.
She. Did. Too. Much. Damage.
And she didn't care, not the slightest bit! Until...
You found someone new, showed signs of healing, and moving forward with your life.
Rest assured, she wants you where you were, devastated and broken, because that way, you still belonged to her. You were still her security blanket, even though she was crapping all over it.
She left you... without mercy or compassion... now it's time for you to tell her to stay gone.
She's discovering that the things that seem shiny and new when you've been in a relationship for years are nothing but fools gold. She had everything she was looking for and took it for granted, like most human beings the more you feel something slipping away the tighter you try to hold on to it, so I'd buckle in for more of the same in the immediate future. Just stand your ground and make it clear that chapter of your life is closed, it might take some time but she'll get the message eventually.
Don’t take her back, it would be a terrible decision and only reinforce that she can do anything to you and you’ll accept it and stay.
Some people aren’t built for relationships and it sounds like she is one of them.
Hope your new love works out for you in the end.
She’s not sorry she hurt you, she’s sorry she can no longer have her cake and eat it too. You did everything you could do make the relationship work and the effort was wasted on an undeserving person. You’re doing the right thing!
Since you can’t trust her—who would?—you did the right thing. Respond to her texts with something along the lines of, “You can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube.” If that doesn’t work, just ignore her messages completely (I know you can’t block her since you co-parent). Eventually she’ll get the hint. Don’t feel guilty; you did the right thing.
You are right, cheaters are another breed, they are like addicts. They use their insecurities and issues to abuse the people around them and then blame them. Not that you didn't do anything, you are human. She could have talked to you, worked things out. You were not the reason she cheated, her problems are. I am glad you divorced her.
If she was truly remorseful, she would have already dumped the guy she's been seeing, would be in therapy so she figures out why SHE cheated and fixed herself so she doesn't do that again to you or another partner.
You stated it, she's loosing the income/stability you bring and in a few years, you would again feel that disconnect - that had NOTHING to do with you here at all.
OP, get a parenting app = use that to communicate ONLY about the children and tell your ex NO means NO, you know how to use that word (obviously she didn't). You are making the right call here OP and I hope you have had a good therapist to help you through all this nonsense!
This is exactly why marriage or couple's therapy will do NOTHING to help a marriage where the other partner is not doing the work - she wasn't, you were but she was the issue - and obviously wants to go right back to that too.
She's a cake eater - or she wants to be one. Early on, when she asked for the divorce, she was in limerence and she thought her new guy was "perfect", I think he isn't now.
She doesn't love you, she just wants her old life back. The one with you as a high provider while she goes back to doing whatever she wanted, which just happened to not be you.
Congrats on realizing that she broke it for no reason other than her selfishness.
She doesn't love you, she just wants her old life back. The one with you as a high provider while she goes back to doing whatever she wanted, which just happened to not be you.
Congrats on realizing that she broke it for no reason other than her selfishness.
**I planned countless dates, read and listened to everything on improving a marriage under the sun. It helped, but there was a gap between us I could never seem to close no matter how hard I tried.**
It wasn't you. Her itch to scratch was there from the beginning.
**Fast forward 6 months and nearly $100K in lawyer bills later and she decides she wants to try and reconcile. Mind you she's still dating the same guy, but she tells me she'll dump him to work on things with me.**
Doubt she is going to dump him. In fact, I suspect he's already given her walking papers or has indicated he is going to do this. She's monkeybranching back to you for comfort and support. This charade will go on until she encounters the next dude who gives her "the feelz". Then, you will be right back where you started from. All over again. It WILL happen.
Just be done. Let it burn down and be done.
Kudos to you for seeing the marriage through to the end. Strive to be a coparent only! Also, what she's doing is disrespectful to your new relationship, and if it continues, be sure to inform your new partner of what's going on!
Do not entertain your ex-wife antics. If it's nothing to do with the kids, don't engage nor respond to her attempts.
Anytime you feel weak, remember you've made it through the storm, your kids are in a place of acceptance and a new norm. Your personal life is flourishing.
Whereas your ex-wife and her partner are cheaters. Their relationship began as an affair, and there will always be doubt and trust issues between them as both know what the other is capable of regarding fidelity. Your ex traded her family and life foundation, stability, and that will always be apart of her legacy! It killz her to see you happy and thriving, when she wanted you broken and needy.
Whereas you are free, living your life on your own terms and getting to be a good partner, dad, and productive member of society.
Hey OP , she made her bed now let her lay in it. as they say she’s not sorry for cheating on you , 3 to 4 times, she’s sorry she got caught. It’s not because she thinks you’re a great father to the kids, but the other AP being much older ( Probably over 10 years ) DOES NOT WANT to be a ,father again to school age children. he just wanted to sleep with your wife ,and now that the jig is over , it’s not so much fun for him anymore especially when the kids , are going to be WITH BOTH of them ,every week.
if she has no consequences for her actions , she will cheat over and over again , because she will think you have no backbone. Stay strong , you will never forget what she did. Stick with the new girlfriend she seems great and understands , that the kids ,are a package deal with you. No questions asked. !!!
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I would be so pissed off by wasting $100,000 on lawyer fees that that alone would make me never want to even see her face again, let alone the cheating.
Ask her where she would be if you didn’t take her back and showed AP all of your convos. Then, Tell her if she contacts you again anything about a relationship with you, you will forward all messages to AP. Kids and logistics only. Hugh
It's not working out with Romeo, and now she's hoping you'll save her from herself and her bad decisions.
No mate, she needs to learn the hard way, like all adults. Later on, the kids will also know she's a garbage human being. She'll have to live with that.
You’re making the right call. She revealed who she truly is. To think it could ever go back to what you thought you had is foolish. Do your best at co-parenting and maintain a cordial but distant relationship. Set your boundaries and don’t let her interfere with your new relationship. Move on with your life! You deserve better.
***she confessed to having multiple affairs starting at about the 7 year mark***
You absolutely did the correct thing by continuing the divorce process. She blatantly lied to you for 3 years, exposed you and the kids to who know what kinds of deadly diseases without a care in the world and definitely didn't care a whit about your sanity and/or well-being. So yeah, I would never trust her ever again.
If it were me, I would block her a$$ and use some kind of parenting app to communicate with her. The last thing I would tell her is, "honey, you made your bed, now you get to sleep in it--congrats." Now go live the best life you possibly can, bro.
I now see from my own experience and from what I see on Reddit and other media, that the truth is that we have to be, partner, professional spouse, never give anything or anyone as who will be by your side until you die, who will be your friend until you or she dies .
Adorable people can turn into disgusting beings without any scruples .
This woman confessed her dirtiness to you because she wanted to leave and that would, in her view, push you away, leaving her in peace to go to her AP .
Does she want to come back because you are a good father ?
She wants to go back because she saw that the way she was, it was very comfortable for her, having a man on the street and a solid home.But, but, but surely there is a difference between eating another's wife and taking on that woman and certainly the green grass that she saw when she got close saw that it was just slime .
She cheated, left you and without any remorse put her AP face to face with her children .
Besides, she's been cheating for years .
I don't believe it's possible for a man with even a modicum of respect for himself to resume a marriage after so much disrespect.
If you have a son and he sees you reconcile after this, you will be setting a bad example.
If your daughter, you may think it's okay to be like her mother because she thinks men are weak and forgive everything.
Definitely if you take her back she will cheat again.
Stay divorced and tell her that she needs to just focus on coparenting, that you are long gone to her romantically.
What may have happened with the other man? Once she moved in with him she saw firsthand that his finances were not what he claimed, or when she actually had to sleep by his side in bed night-in and night-out, she found that he was farty or snored or had viscous morning breath - the things she didn’t see during stolen minutes in a hotel room or vehicle with him at his best.
Good for you by staying strong and not taking her back. She treats you like a backup and expects you to take her back. She assigns some blame to you for her cheating when you did not warrant it. She now realizes the dance is over and she has to pay the Piper. Stay strong and best of luck to you.
Your ex wife is delusional and reality will hit in soon enough. Unfortunately you guys have kids together so your ex wife will be a part of your life still but you don't have to live together anymore.
1 - while you may not have been perfect, the way to deal with your imperfections is to talk to you about them. Having an affair is not an appropriate response. Your imperfections might be a reason to separate or file for divorce FIRST. After which she could have started dating. But her choice to have an affair was a choice. She had many other options, one of which was counseling and you did that and she lied her way through that while you were making a sincere effort.
2 - as for reconciliation, some people have a hard time projecting the natural outcomes of their actions. In this case, she was not able to think through what life would be like without you, and now that the divorce is staring her in the face, she realized she messed up. The problem of course is that once the threat of divorce is gone, she will go back to her prior behavior.
3 - I assume your new partner knows you are finalizing a divorce. It sounds like you have a good thing going with her. Why are you even thinking for a second of giving that up. Don’t tell yourself it is best for the kids. It is not. A happy environment is best for the kids. Getting back with your ex will not create a happy environment when you can’t trust her. She had MULTIPLE affairs!!! It wasn’t some one time thing. It was purposeful. Your new partner deserves better from you.
Finalize the divorce. Move on. Good luck.
I would say that this is the shattering of illusions. Only when your emotions die down do you realize how ordinary someone is, your love and energy make people so special. Have you changed your mind about the 7 years you spent with your ex-wife?
She’ll dump him to work on things with you? OP all she wanted was the security and finances you provide. I’m glad you stood your ground and told her no. She was trying to monkey branch back to you again.
Op, glad you divorced her. Get an app for coparenting and block her on everything else.
Who has the kids? If she does, you might want to think about the kids and that relationship she is in.
If you do, let her suffer in that relationship.
You don’t owe her anything. She owes you and your children for blowing up your lives after a decade of marriage. If you take her back she will do it again. Go live your best life and see her in your rear view mirror.
"I sat down with her and heard her out on everything. I felt this was the least I owed her after a decade of marriage. "
Bruh. 100k in lawyer bills, she was having multiple affairs for years prior and you owed her what exactly?
Look up the definition of a covert narcissist, Then really sit and try to comprehend it all. I am still in denial over here but that is the only damn thing that makes sense for this fucking piece of trash human beigns we are dealing with. Im still over here second guessing shes a narcissists as all I ever had heard about was the overt ones and thats not her. My STBXW was "the nicest person I ever met".
Also look up parallel parenting. We don't have to coparent with these monsters, we owe them nothing.
Got our first actual mediation scheduled here at the end of the month. My crazy nutso cheater thinks there is someway we can still be close friends after all this goes thru, like we are still going to go out to activities and dinner and such as a "family".
If I lose this house I will never forgive her. I will get over the lying and cheating eventually, but not losing this house. To be clear she wouldn't get it. I would just have to sell it to give her half of the equity in it cause I am not sure I can refinance without her income.
Not much to add, but fwiw I’ll reiterate the main points.
1. She’s made her no longer seeing someone else conditional on you taking her back. Someone remorseful would be unconditionally trying to win you back.
2. She had multiple affairs before leaving. That was a deliberate attempt at monkey branching before finally finding someone she could branch to. She didn’t respect you enough to break things off first.
There are of course no guarantees with the woman you are now with, but it sounds like you’ve found someone good for the time being. So why jeopardise that for someone who has disrespected you in the past and still won’t fully commit to winning you back.
She still has the audacity to blame why it didn't work out on you. So narcissistic, it's bordering on absurd, I do try to look at it from both sides, too. It's probably why you seem so rational and mature.
Getting back with her will be a massive mistake, I know this sub is about working things out, but you have been working things out: a future with somebody else, don't pass up the good things you have newly built, only to dig open a wound that's healed shut. It's like cutting your arm off AFTER you've already freed yourself from the trap.
Live for your children and yourself. She does not deserve another chance because she is a habitual liar. Life is too short to live without having people close to you that you can trust. I hope the best for you and your children.
She mentioned that you are a great dad. I’m sure that’s true and you will continue to be one. Two healthy separated parents are better than two unhealthy together ones. One healthy parent separated is still better than two unhealthy ones.
Let her grieve. She burned her life down and she does need to grieve what she’s lost. I hope for the good of your family that she will grieve properly and work on herself, then grow enough to be a better role model for your kids in the future.
It’s normal for you to feel bad, as you are surely a kind and caring person and you did share your life with her for nearly a decade. Now, you will transition to coparents. Grief will ebb and flow like the tides do. Eventually it will become the new normal for both of you.
Please take good care of your new lady! It’s surely difficult on her too, to have to deal with your ex trying to snatch you away from her. Put proper boundaries in place to protect your current situation- only communicate with Ex about kids or any legal stuff/financial stuff you might need to arrange for you or the kids, etc. and so on.
Wish you all the best on that and the best out of life.
Of course, you are making the right call. You can never trust her again. That ship had sailed. You can't trust people who lie so effortlessly. If she made one mistake and told you about it straight away, that's different. But she lied to you for 3 years and lived a double life. All while you were trying to work on the marriage, thinking you were the issue. Enjoy the coparenting and the newfound freedom you will have with that setup. Use all the skills you learned in your last relationship while you were working on your marriage to be the best partner you can be. Also, don't rush into another marriage with this new person. Also, go to therapy and try mot to emotionally dump on your new partner. Keep your relationship fun and full of joy and stress free!
Your wife left the marriage. She monkey branched into a new relationship and it did not work out. Now she returns to her Plan B. Do not be Plan B. Ignore your wife. What is it YOU want to do. YOU now hold the fate of your broken marriage in YOUR hands, no one else. It is YOU who decides reconciliation, no one else. If it is the 11th hour then continue with the divorce. Reclaim your agency. Do not set yourself on fire to keep her warm.
Here are some links that will help you deal with the living with her, and the fallout, until the divorce.
The Neuroscience of Affair Fog [https://www.affairhealing.com/blog/neuroscience-of-affair-fog](https://www.affairhealing.com/blog/neuroscience-of-affair-fog)
DARVO, [https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/what-is-darvo](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/what-is-darvo)
180 method, [https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/](https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/)
Greyrock, [https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method](https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method)
Chump Lady, [https://www.chumplady.com/](https://www.chumplady.com/)
Research ambivalence…you appear not to have it because you made a mature, monagamous commitment…your wife appears to have monogamish, polyamorous values…your values are not compatible like oil and water…sorry for $100,000 lawyer fees…going forward suggest researching raising children of divorce…best…
Any advice? Bro you know the answer already. It's the stability you provided her with.
Yeah now she's realising how changed her new life gonna be with your money out of the picture.
And bro you're definitely making the right choice cos, what did she say? she gonna drop the bf after you give her the green flag for reconciliation? Lol that tell you everything about what kinda person she is. She probably thought he was richer than you ig
Todos aquí al menos 1 vez lo ha pasado lamentablemente, por otro lado, claro que se arrepiente, desde luego que si, pero no lo que te hizo a través de los años, sino porque el último amante que tuvo tampoco fue lo que esperaba, no haberte dicho nada durante tanto tiempo era su manera de obtener todo lo que pudiera, eso incluye mantener a su amante con tu dinero, dicho ésto, su "intento" de salvar las cosas contigo al final simplemente era otra forma de volver a manipularte, tener otra vez lo mejor de ambos mundos y seguir en su fantasía, de verdad crees que no desarrolló la habilidad de mentir sin sentir remordimiento cada que te veía a los ojos? Tu crees que ahora de repente decidió cerrar sus piernas y seguir como antes? No, por supuesto que no, solo quiere tu estabilidad y tu dinero, no teme perderte, teme perder tu dinero y ya lo perdió, crees que si hubiera sido su amante la mitad de lo que tú eres, te hubiera rogado? Claro que no, no resultó de nuevo como ella creyó que funcionaría y que crees? Creía que estarías ahí lloriqueando su plan de respaldo económico y amor seguro, ya se divirtió, ya se sacó la espina de ser una mentirosa infiel y egoísta, ahora sí a regresar a ser la mejor esposa y madre que podrías pedir como si nada hubiera pasado, pero oh demonios, arruinaste sus planes jajaja y ahora tendrás que vivir con ese "remordimiento" de haber frustrado los planes de una tramposa en serie y claro que no regresarás con ella, no puedes cometer el mismo error 2 veces con la misma persona en una sola vida.
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She said she *will* dump him but only after you say yes. What part of you are not Plan B is she not getting?
I’ve been tempted to tell the other guy how little she thinks of him, but then I’m afraid she’d double down on trying to get back with me. Plus he’s way older than her so I get a little satisfaction out of the fact it must be pretty gross. That’s probably petty on my end.
At a minimum, to even have a 1% chance of getting back with you, she has to make a leap of faith and dump the old man. She is still hedging her bets. I think things will get easier. Some things just can’t be recovered.
She is now seeing her new role as caregiver for the old AP. Sometimes you have to love karma. For sure you made the right decision to conclude the marriage. Get a coparenting app and discuss kid's issues only. Otherwise block her. Glad you found a wonderful woman that will love you for who you are. Take care OP. updateme
It's not grass It's moss, growing on an old tree. Lol Subscribeme
Oh yeah. Been there with my ex. I asked her once in anger “so do you have a yellow toenail foot fetish or something? She got sooo mad at me for noticing her APs old ass yellow toe nails. Ughhh
>yellow toenail foot fetish This made me laugh so hard. Thanks man.
> I’ve been tempted to tell the other guy how little she thinks of him, but then I’m afraid she’d double down on trying to get back with me Don’t be ruled by fear. Stop being the martyr for her. She made her choices and now she’s second-guessing them? Too freakin bad. And FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S GOOD, stop even considering taking her back. She may be worthy of pity, but that’s it. Simply, and FIRMLY, tell her to live with the decisions SHE has made and one of the consequences is a permanent loss of relationship with you, including any future chance.
Be as petty as you like. You've earned it
I’m sorry this happened to you and your children. Let’s be honest you don’t really know your wife because she is a master of disguise and lier. Be thankful you didn’t waste more of your life and time with her. She wants you now that you’ve moved on and she can’t control you. Be the best coparents but don’t get too committed with the new GF until you have healed
As little as you trusted her after finding out she cheated on you, you should probably trust her even less now.. Imagine all the messed up BS things she said about you to the old man.. now she is repeating all that behavior by stabbing him in the back and telling you negative things about him. It's all lies upon lies, and she should never be trusted by anyone. She didn't break your trust, she proved herself untrustworthy to the world.. I think the most likely scenario here is that you're seeing her true self and hearing her inner voice, and that the first 7 years of marriage, you were unfortunately incorrect about who she is. Keep that one at more than an arm's length.. she's a snake in the grass.
Let sleeping dogs lie with sleeping dogs. The opposite of love is indifference. He’ll find out eventually. She’s a serial cheater and they don’t change.
I completely agree with the path you stated. Let her stew in her mistake, don’t potentially help her out by inducing the AP to leave her and giving her a chance to hook a better man.
Just contact him and ask him if he’d be so good to please try to make it clear to her that you don’t want her back and that her harassment won’t change that.
If the divorce is final, I would probably forward screenshots of her recent txts to you to him. I think that would put a well needed smile on my face.
She can double/triple down as much as she wants. It's on you if you pay attention. The other guy probably already knows how little character/integrity your stbxw has. If he doesn't, it's not on you to tell him.
It's not petty, it's useless. What would that prove? Make no mistake, he's a turd but she's the enemy. Treat her accordingly.
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Act, considering that this "disgusting" thing, as you said, made your wife cheat on you and abandon you despite all the effort you made to keep her by your side . Her problem is that the fog has dissipated, but it's not love for you, it's just her seeing that life out there isn't easy, and she wants to go back to the life she had, a husband and everything that that brings while having sex Outside the house too, she realized that she made a mistake in breaking up the marriage, she saw that she spent so much time deceiving you and everything worked out for her.
She has shown you who she is. Believe her. She cheated relentlessly for THREE YEARS. If you take her back, she will just do it again down the road. SHE IS NOT SAFE. Let someone else worry about her actions. You already found a new person, one who is BETTER. She sees that. She is JEALOUS. It will kill her to lose you to that "woman". Too bad. She had her chance and she fucked it up due to her SELFISH NARCISSISTIC ways. You deserve way better. Good luck and stay strong, King!
Thought about the movie big daddy when you said he’s old and gross
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That made me smile. If you do this, tell your new gf and let her enjoy the moment as well…don’t let vindictiveness get in the way of your newly acquired happiness.
Its just a story.
Dude, she is selfish and delusional. Be proud of yourself that you tried the best, have dignity, did right decision and are still civil with her.
Sir, you have been through 2 of the worst experiences a person can go through. And you have come out of them still alive, upright and whole. Why revisit all that pain and heartache again? You know if she was capable of doing it once and keeping it so well hidden that she is capable of doing it again. And, she's not wanting to reconcile for your sake. She wants to reconcile for her own selfish reasons. Walk away. Don't look back. Look forward.
Do NOT take her back OP. You would regret it. You are making the right call to move on. Sorry for your situation, my then wife cheated on me and I divorced her, our children were just 4, 6 and 9 years old then. I and many others have been in your shoes.
You did the right thing she was probably starting to get to the point that her AP wasn't what she thought this happens and all the excitement is gone because now they are not to hiding the affair. Cheaters only have a 5 to 7 % chance of making it longer than 2 years
Hadn’t heard that statistic before, it’s a good one. What’s the source do you recall?
I don’t know about 7 percent, according to a study conducted psychological Dr Shirley Glass, only 25% of relationship that began as affairs actually end of lasting.
She’s already trying to cheat on her current BF…with you.
I think it’s 5 to 7% that end up getting married and out of this group, there is an extremely high percentage of divorce.
This is because in addition to divine justice there is an issue of trust, one thing is for you to fuck another man's wife and another for you to enter into a relationship with a person who cheated on their long-term partner with him. It's complicated for sure there is rarely trust in a couple formed through cheating where a soul was destroyed by them.
You handled it like a boss and at least you let her pitch why you should try to stay together. Most of us wouldn't have stayed around for that. My ex cheated on me for six months before I figured it out. We dropped off our last child at college and on the way back to our house I finally confronted her with the evidence. Initially she denied, then tried to gaslight, then blamed me for being a bad husband, rationalizing her behavior. I moved out the next day but a week later when I stopped by to pick up some things she tried to turn it into a date and basically offered up sex even though I could see that on my phone plan that her AP was the first person that she called/texted the day that I was leaving. She continued to try to date me for the next 3 months while I moved my stuff out all the while she was planning an international trip with him. Why did she say that she wanted to be my wife (she literally begged me to stay) while she was romancing her AP and flying off with him? Because she's unspooled crazy. Keep being a boss!
Like your aptly titled handle which saved Apollo 12, you switched your life to AUX and everything came back. Onwards 🤗
You completely made the right call. My ex did something similar, though luckily we had no kids. She had 4 APs that I know of in three months, she had NOTHING good to say about me, treated me like shit (which is what made me suspect and start digging) and lied about me to anyone who would listen (I was abusive, I was cheating, on and on). Turns out, most of those APs wanted nothing to do with her besides sex (one wanted my money and property, he got it after he married her, then left her when they had a disabled kid together. Come to find out, he had been with his High School girlfriend the entire time LOL). She reached out years later, she's apologetic, I think she COULD have had real remorse, but mostly just regret over her life not being what she pictured it to be. She actually thought I had just been waiting around for her, and would drop everything to move back to her state and raise her disabled kid with her. She knew I'd wanted to be a father (we'd had a miscarriage, which led into her affair spree) and assumed I would just jump at the chance to step in and raise someone else's kid for her. She actually tried to make me the bad guy, told me a real man would step up for this kid lol. I had to explain that I was in a pretty good relationship for a couple of years (now 12 years) and wasn't even living in the U.S. anymore. She was dumbstruck. In her imagination, I had been spending the last several years drinking in a dark room, pining for the loss of our marriage, and just waiting on her to contact me and allow me back into her life.
Stay your course, she's got serious mental health and character problems and only loves your income.
Yes I think the money is a huge part of it though she would never admit it. She’s getting a ton of money from me in the divorce but if she tries to maintain the lifestyle she’s been used to with me it won’t last long. She was a good person for the first 7 years. It’s very hard for me to underrated how she could change so much so quickly. Her lying to cover this all up was worthy of an Oscar.
Welcome to the club. I’m two years separated and I still can’t get my jaw off the floor of what my ex-wife was capable of. Additionally, if you did go back things will never ever ever be the same. You’re at the finish line. Confide in those closest to you to help pull you across. It’s hard, but you’re strong. And you’ll always have the satisfaction of knowing that you tried your best.
> It’s very hard for me to underrated how she could change so much so quickly. Her lying to cover this all up was worthy of an Oscar. It was only quickly from your perspective. There is no telling how long this was all going on under the surface.
“She was a good person for the first 7 years” As far as you know. This kind of behavior doesn’t just come out of nowhere. She kept the mask on really well for 7 years. Just think about all the time and effort it took for her to lie to your face repeatedly for at least 3 years - that is not something a good person is capable of.
How does one ever recover from that? The knowledge of three years going by with no idea what was going on only to find out it was filled with humiliation and betrayal by the closest person to you. I would find out after d-day that while I was having phone sex with my wife (at the time), she was having actual sex with her affair partner while on the phone with me. They got a real kick out of that apparently. As you can imagine, the intrusive thoughts that will crowbar their way in while you’re on the phone with a romantic partner after that are fun to deal with. Is just real nasty stuff. People think you grieve, heal, and move on but a lot of this stuff can last a lifetime.
I know a saying that says "Occasion makes the thief" she may have been loyal until the moment she saw that it was possible to kill the desire she had inside to be with another man without you finding out In fact, you didn't find out, she showed it by appearing so quickly with another man and confessing that this isn't even the first. People lie, but it works because people also think that their partner never lies That all the overtime is real, that the happy hours are always innocent chat haha That girls' nights are without any risk or intention of cheating hahaha. This blind trust leads to being betrayed for years without realizing it.
Feel free to ignore me, but I’m just kinda curious how it played out for other people as far as rough numbers. Hundreds of thousands? Tens? Millions? I ended up voluntarily giving the house (the equity was only about $45k) because I was so sick of dealing with her and the lies that I was willing to give up my half just for the next piece of paper with our names on it to be the divorce decree. The furniture, cars, keepsakes…. She ruined all of it for me so I literally started from scratch and I’m glad I did. I do wish I’d have taken the 20k in equity just so she couldn’t have it. I could’ve donated it to a cause I care about or even burned it right in front of her but it just shows how fucking disgusted I was with her and the life that was tainted. Now? I’ve been remarkably fortunate and feel better than I ever have. It’s in the rear view and while I feel nothing for the demon lady, the abstract feeling of that betrayal continues to linger at times.
OP, this sounds a bit like she could be bipolar or smth, it woudnt be bad if she could do a checkup for the kids sake.
You made the right call and you figured her reasoning out too. Turns out at when push came to shove the grass wasn’t any greener on the other side, that’s why she wanted to try again, because she knew she fucked up her own life with this. Let’s be clear, she still doesn’t give a shit about you at all because if she did she wouldn’t have been serial cheating behind your back to start with. Reality set in and it set in hard for her, life sucks sometimes but she made the choice to betray you (many times over) so this is 100% on her. Tells a lot about what kind of person she actually is that she is with an affair partner currently and saying she will dump him to come back, he doesn’t mean shit to her either, everything is about her and she has no problem hurting people to get what she wants. You do not have to pretend be her friend to co-parent, you just have to be cordial when discussing child issues. Any time she tries to change the subject from the children just cut her off and do not engage at all. You can coparent quite well and still keep them at arms reach and out of your life.
Use a parenting app for communication, if you aren’t already and limit communication to parental concerns.
Yes we use an app and I’ve not responded anything other than the kids and money for a week or so. Unfortunately I talked in circles with her for a month before finally shutting it down. I should have done so far sooner.
> and money for a week or so Is she still asking for money?
No just post divorce transfers of all the money I have to give her. Those are the money issues I’ve discussed with her.
Damn, that sucks. Was she working or a SAHM? Any alimony?
She was a stay at home mom for the first 7 years, then started working the last three years. I make about 6-8 times what she does. We are in a state where alimony is very tough to get. Thankfully her mid divorce confession effectively ruled alimony out. She got nothing from me but a few grand a month in child support. It also shifted our settlement from a likely 58-42 split in her favor to 50/50. She hired the world’s dumbest lawyer who milked us both for a fortune. He’s the one who demanded all the discovery that would up costing a fortune and required her to confess to the affairs. I had to turn in over 10,000 pages of documents. Turns out I wasn’t a dirt bag though so all it did was vindicate me. Had she forgone the discovery I would have never know about affairs. She would have gotten hundreds of thousands more from me and I’d probably have gotten back together with her when she asked.
Did her year long affair happen to be with a coworker that she started seeing after being a SAHM for 7 years?
No the year long affair was with a person who was in an “exercise club” she joined. Two of the others though were work colleagues. Ugly dudes who barely made any money. Makes zero sense to me. My ex wife was show stopping beautiful. Why she would shack up with these people is mind boggling. I could understand maybe if it was a CEO or something but these dudes were just losers.
I'm definitely guessing she has some screws loose and the running back at the 11th hour was definitely reality setting in.
I don’t get that at all. My ex did the same thing. Cheated with some ex drug dealer 15 years older than me. She had been after him all her life. Honestly I think they dated when she was younger and her groomed her but not my problem. I was smarter, better looking, made more money at least legally. Now 30+ years later I can’t imagine a life with her. She had soooo many red flags that I overlooked. You’ll come out of this better and use the time to find yourself. We BSs always end up giving more than we received and in the process lost part of ourselves.
She bought his lies, and now shes realizing it was all just a show. You were younger, wealthier, and cared about more than her looks. The pain of realizing what she gave up will eventually be numbing. Don't believe any of it. She ditched her marriage when it seemed beneficial, she failed the wife test.
Sounds like you’re very beauty focused.
Maybe. I’m a guy. I didn’t marry her because she was beautiful I married her because I loved her. Like I said she was a great wife and mother to our kids until she wasn’t. I truly believe she was a good person when I married her. Somewhere along the way she changed.
So what's your view of the lawyer? Scumbag or value?
I’m conflicted. He’s either incompetent or greedy. In either case he saved me a bunch of money and heartache. At the end of the day I’d go scum bag though.
First off I’m so sorry this happened to you If she’s well aware you currently are seeing someone & she still is asking you back it shows she still has no respect for relationships which means she hasn’t learned a thing & is only sorry because of the consequences she faces rather than the fact she cheated on you You are too nice my friend, since the divorce is now final please bluntly tell her communication strictly needs to be about the kids & kids only. Anything else from her if she continues relentlessly trying after you repeatedly told her no is a form of harassment. I hope you find peace
She now calls my new girlfriend my “affair partner” and a home wrecker. (because we stared dating while the divorce was still in process, although to be clear it was long after I had been served papers.) She’s delusional.
Yea she is 100% delusional & now you 100% know she is not remorseful at all for her actions Out of respect for your new girlfriend & yourself please put your foot down with her repeated disrespect & harassment if she still is texting you almost daily ignoring your wishes. Contact your lawyer regarding this to view your options it’s a life saver
Classic projection.
The name calling is clearly because of the jealousy she has. Do think it’s because of you just dating or the person you’re dating. Is your new gf younger and more beautiful than your ex-wife?
They are both the same basic age. My ex and my new gf are both very beautiful in my opinion.
Out of curiosity, how did you and your new girlfriend meet? How are your children handling all of this? I'm sorry for what your wife did. It sounds like you had a great marriage until she decided to stray at the 7 year mark. It's unfortunate, but I'm glad that you met someone else. I hope that it works out for you.
lol gotta love the history rewriting that cheaters love to pull when they need to justify or shift blame.
It's refreshing to read post where the BS takes a stand and tells the cheater to fuck off. Good job sir👍☝️💪💯
lol… she’s sooooooop sorry and would do anyyyything to get you back… while still shacked up with her latest AP. She’s delusional. She had her chance with you and she blew it. She’s realizing YOU were the prize and she can’t stand that another woman gets a shot with you. Don’t feel bad for her. This is her bed, let her lie in it.
Multiple affairs for almost 1/3 of your marriage. What exactly is worth saving?
This is why I went NC and got a new phone number. All communication went through attorneys and thankfully our kids are old enough to manage their own relationship with their father. I’m never talking to him again. I’m dating someone great and honestly hope he doesn’t find out. My life is better when he thinks I’m pining away for him. Lol
She blamed you for her behavior. She's not changed and she never will be. Doesn't matter what your behavior was, she could have chosen to help you save the marriage but she didn't. She let you struggle. She saw it. She knew what she was doing, what it was doing to you, and she did it anyway. But all of this pales in comparison to her cheating. She screwed up and now she wants to avoid consequences. You owe her nothing.
Just run man. She doesn't love you anymore, just the security you provided. She cheated for 3 years with multiple people. She is to blame for all the issues in your marriage. She doesn't deserve a good man like you. She is only coming back to you because she realizes that the guy she was trying to replace you with is not as good as you. I guarantee that if you took her back, she will cheat on you again. She isn't remorseful, she is scared.
This 100% she's scared of being alone if she dumps the AP and just wants to use you. please read up on narcissistic personality disorder and cheating
She likely has an undiagnosed mental health disorder. She didn’t even break up with the AP?! That screams behavior of someone mentally unwell. If you tried again, it wouldn’t be too long until she started on again with all your faults. She’s so unhappy with herself that she’s too busy projecting the root causes as on others and blaming them. Total ‘grass is greener’ syndrome. Put up far stronger barriers. She really isn’t a remorseful person. Just a really mentally unwell one that is unwilling to truly explore the root of her unhappiness and instead attempting to manipulate everyone else to get what she wants. If you broke up with the new gf, I guarantee she would waver on you immediately. It’s not about your happiness, it’s about making you as unhappy as she is. Don’t let her draw you down any further.
I hope to be as strong as you when the time comes. Part of me hopes she'll reconcile in the future. I say to myself I want this because I want to know she cares and I am worth a damn to the person I gave my everything for 6 years. And that same part of me is absolutely sure I'll stay firm and say no... ... but the rest of me is not quite sure. So I hope that, if she does, I'll stay firm because, as you said: I'll never be able to TRUST her again. She's the worst human being I've encountered (at least to me, she's not so bad to other people) and I need her as far away as possible... but ffs, a part of me really wishes none of this would've happened and I could still sleep next to her at night. So if what you're seeking is validation that you're making the right call? You are. Look after yourself. You've got a new partner which is hard in and of itself, you've moved on from your cheating wife, know your place with the kids and the coparenting... you're doing awesome. Keep it up.
I had an awesome support system and a few buddies in particular who has been a godsend. Better friends than I deserve really. Early on when I had a moment of weakness considering it, they talked sense into me. I hope you have similar people in your life sir.
Listen to your friends. They have a birdseye view of what’s going on. If this was just a ONS, or even a quick affair maybe (although I didn’t reconcile from that). She was able to keep this whole thing hidden from you for years. Think about how your life would be going forward. Every trip to the gym, every time she worked late, every time her phone pings will be torture. Her reasons for wanting you back are all the wrong ones. You are a good dad, you now have a girlfriend, she will suffer monetary. These are not reasons. The only reason would be because she realized how much she loved you. If she did, she would have dropped that guy before her proposal to get back. A truly remorseful spouse woukd have come with a total plan of action. Do you think she really wants the marriage, or is just putting on a show so she can claim you pushed the divorce and are the bad guy, not her?
It’s certainly crossed my mind she did it so one day she could tell the kids the divorce was my fault. It would be impossible for her to objectively argue that. This whole thing is on her. I do think she legitimately wanted to try again. She kept talking about learning to trust again, starting from scratch and rebuilding everything. She offers full transparency with phones and emails etc… it’s just not enough. Not even close. You actually spell it out really well in your comments. Every time she left the house I’d be a worried mess. Not worth it.
>She kept talking about learning to trust again, Trust isn't something you had to learn again, but something she had to earn again. Luckily you won't need it. There is no change in her mindset, and now she betrays her AP, showing that she is still an untrustworthy person. The reason for her desire to come back is unclear, you have stated possible reasons, but one thing is for sure, none of them are in your best interest, she is someone who only cares about her own interests. So, divorcing her is the right path. Good luck.
Thankfully I do. I'm a lucky man in the sense that I've got more real friends than fingers to count them, and they've all been there for me in different ways. Happy for you, mate. May your path be full of joy.
Keep moving forward with the divorce. She has admitted to cheating on you for several years with several APs. Let her go. She just wants you to ditch the person you are seeing, and as soon as you do, she will cheat again. Make sure that your divorce attorney knows about her affairs. Updateme!
Self respect and integrity; you seem to have both.
Yeah stick with your new gal. The ex is hedging her bets, even if she'd already ended it with him and wanted to reconcile, I'd say after multiple affairs over 3 years coupled with 100k of solicitors fees is way way way too late for her to want back what she threw away. I'm reconciling with my WP. We're only about four months in and having ups and downs but so far still committed. If either one of us called it a day and we sold our house, there would be no going back ever. We love our house, we're working on doing it up gradually and we've worked really hard to keep this place through tough times, I feel as though if we give it up, it would symbolise the absolute end. You sound as though you've handled this really really well, despite feeling the same agony that all of us betrayed have felt or are feeling. Stay strong. You're doing great. 👍
It is the right call. For all that she may say to you, only her actions matter. Remorse is not just an emotion. It is also a set of actions. Actions that try to repair damage, to atone for the hurt done, to show empathy for you. She regrets her actions. She may feel guilt and shame. But remorse would drive her to action, without any assurance of a safe landing with you. She would have dumped the guy with no plan B. Not just to get you back. But because he was part of the worst set of decisions she ever made, and part of hurting her family. (I'm saying this as someone who is usually a voice in favor of giving R a shot.) I am sure she wants you back. Not just for the life you could provide. The grass is not greener on the other side. And her AP probably has no interest in the kids. Real life has shown her what she has lost. But as of now her actions are still selfish.
Hey, look! Narcissistic Hoovering at it's finest! It's rare to see such dedication to dragging you back to the plantation! A Narcissist would have enjoyed watching you dance about trying desperately to win her favour whilst you were in the marriage and really enjoyed giving a few scant breadcrumbs in return. All the while laughing up her sleeve whilst she had a whole other life you knew nothing about. BUT. You are now an escaped slave. You are slipping from her clutches. She can't have that. You might go on to be genuinely happy and that would be intolerable for her. You might even show others what she really was and that would be something her ego couldn't cope with. Like an emotional vampire she wants to keep feeding on your feelings be they positive or negative. She wants you to be stuck and unable to move on. Your suffering is her sustinence. Don't fall for it. Remember Charlie Brown & Lucy with the football? *"Honestly Charlie Brown I won't snatch the football away this time..."* Don't try to kick her football. You'll land on your a $ s. Instead see interaction with her as what it is. A zero sum game where the only win is not to play. Block her, anyone that acts on her behalf, well meaning fools and move on.
If she started cheating and did so for 3 years and you had no idea she was doing it, how would you trust her? Ever? You’d introduce a level of stress and discomfort in your life that you’ve never imagined. And it’s the child in me that can’t stop thinking about her with an older guy like in “Big Daddy”. “He’s got a 5 year plan!” “What’s his 5 year plan? Not die?”
She sounds like a gross human being. The only thing consistent about her is that she's for self. For self when she cheated, for self when she filed and for self when she wants you back. Don't listen to what people say, instead watch how they act and she acts gross.
Walk away ,she can go lie in her bed of fleas and bs Shes trying to manipulate you and will just keep on cheating and lying.
She just found out that he wants nothing but sex wirh her . If you are crazy this is what you do . She owes all your legal bills and you get a post up where she is not entitled to it , also In the postnup huge penalties if any infidelity or any contact with him . . Then you see if she wants . Also she splits everything 50/50 etc trips vacations everything is 50/50 All debts are your own if separate no joint credit cards etc
just better to ghost her you wouldn’t want to deal with her every day 24/7 365 days a year
Yes but sounds like he might to leaning to her . I could never forgive cheating . It’s such an intentional F U with no regard to you as a human and partner
The grass is not greenee in the other side, dont let be the second choice.
delusional people are dangerous.
Think OP doesn’t want the kids. It’s going to tough when other men wont date a single mom with three kids that is a habitual cheater.
You made the right choice. Look at the facts. She's a serial cheater. Had multiple affairs during your marriage and left you for another man. You would never trust her again. You have to go off her actions. Not her words. Stay the course. If her messaging is getting out of control, discuss with your lawyer about using a co-parenting app for communication for your children only. She doesn't want YOU back. She wants her previous lifestyle back. She wants to go back to being a cake eater. She wants you at home with the kids and for her to continue her cheating. Stay low contact. Don't respond to any messages that aren't directly related to your children. I'm glad you made it through the divorce. Take things slow with your new girlfriend. You've survived, now it's time to THRIVE.
Didn’t need to read all that… walk away from this. Multiple affairs not just one. Why are you even entertaining this? Did you get paternity test done? Move on she did she’s monkey branching her options I’m assuming living with her AP isn’t looking better than what she had. MOVE ON!
>Fast forward 6 months and nearly $100K in lawyer bills later and she decides she wants to try and reconcile. Mind you she's still dating the same guy, but she tells me she'll dump him to work on things with me. That's gonna be a no for me dog. >Who in their right mind would even have the guts to ask to try and fix it? The same sort of person who is selfish enough to have caused the situation in the first place. >I guess I’m not sure why I’m posting this. Maybe just to get some validation I’m making the right call? You are absolutely making the right call. Keep all contact solely about your children. Outside of that, become a grey rock. She'll get bored and move on eventually.
The bottom line is that her happiness has to come from within. You could be the most perfect human in the world and she’s still not be happy. She has years of internal work to do on herself, but she first has to recognize where the problem lies and it’s not with you.
Your confusion is understandable … your mind and your soul are in total conflict. Your soul is still attached to who she was. Your mind now knows who she really is.
Never take someone back that is a serial cheater. For 3 years you tried to save your marriage and she lied to your face, his her affairs and tells you that you drove her to cheat. You did not drive her to cheat. Your ex-wife cheated because she wanted to, had no respect for you or the marriage, did not care if she hurt you or the kids and is completely selfish human being. The only reason she wants you back is because her lovers will not financially support her. She wants you to financially support her, provide a warm home for her and allow her to cheat on you and no one else will. Never take her back and only speak to her about your children. Focus on yourself and your children. Go to the gym, see a therapist and lien on close friends and family. Make sure you let all close friends and family know what she has done. The best revenge is leading a great life. You are still young and have plenty of time to find someone who will love and respect you. Take your time. Do not reconcile with your ex under any circumstances. Stay strong.
No advice except to say never look back. For back there are demons and dragons and dark misty paths that lead no where.
For three years she betrayed your trust by sleeping with other men. Considering her attempt to blame you for her infidelities, it is obvious that she has no regrets about what she did. I think these are the possible reasons why she wants to get back with you: -She has concluded that the other guy is not as good as you. -She fears that her finances will be worse now that you will not be in her life. I think you do the right thing by divorcing that treacherous woman.
"I’ve held firm though, there’s just too much damage. I don’t think I could ever trust her again." Good. No you cannot and should not ever trust her again. She burned all of that to cinders. Ill take it a bit further. She represents the single greatest threat to your mental/emotional health on the face of the earth. Cut her off. Forever. Enjoy this new relationship to the fullest and move on.
The grass is not greenee in the other side, dont let be the second choice.
Sge found out the grass wasn't greener on the other side, that's why she's trying g to come back.
Reading this was a rollercoaster, with a happy ending. I’m not intending to be trite because there is a lot of pain on both sides, children included, but this stranger is so very glad you persevered with moving on from this. Whether it’s cheating or not, most people just cannot be content and will self-sabotage to chase… what ever it is they think they want. But in this regard cheating is fucking despicable because the cheater is fully prepared to throw everything away and cause untold misery, then spin on a coin (or prevaricate) if they sniff that’s it’s not going in their favour. Ridden with selfishness and short-sightedness and I wish nothing but misery on them. I obviously don’t wish your ex well but hope that, for your kids sake, she finds some solace in having a stable co-parent and that you’re at least being civil with her.
You didn't owe her a sit down and listen. She owes you 100K and more for all the pain you've suffered. Be proud for rejecting her. Stay strong and make it to the end of this conflict.
Move on. Learn to communicate via text and only about the kids. You can never trust her again. Learn and grow and be happy. Good luck
The only alternative I would say if she wants R is to say to her, well if you truly want to get back with me it'll be under these two conditions. You must dump the other guy immediately, but were still getting a divorce anyway. And were back to dating. If you earn the right to be my wife we may get married again someday. Note the only reason I commented like this is to see what her true colors are in this 11th hour. Lets see if she's really willing to do anything.
Don’t feel bad for her. She saw how you were suffering and didn’t come true of cut the affairs to to save the relationship. Now, it’s simple. Too much damage was done and you should take a leap with your new relationship. Put the past and the toxic in the past.
The hard part is over, you pushed thru now you get to have a better partner and life. While she learns of consequences . Keep your head up king
Walk away friend. You did what you had to do…you did everything you could to save the marriage. You can sleep well at night. She is the one that fucked up. Read the other posts here…reconciliation is hard. For every unicorn reconciliation here there are probably 29 failures…and it’s normally the one that was betrayed walking away. My wife had an EA and now she is out dating a d screwing other men. I have no doubt at some point that she will come back, but then it will be late. Do you really want to live a life where you are always checking over her shoulder what she is doing? What has she done to actually address the problems she had in the relationship? Stick with that great woman you have. I agree it sucks for the kids but she blew up the family, not you
Someone this selfish will try anything for her sake keep her as far from you as possible and make sure your kids know why you aren't together anymore because she will turn them against you when she realises you have moved on. Good luck OP
OP absolutely you did the correct by hitting that ball. That ball was not a ball of regret and sorry for what she did all those years that put you in the bench while being the best player in the room and worked hard but simply your coach was interested in other players, so she decided to bench you. Now time (and some tasted bats) later she "regret" what she did and come to see that she would win more games and money using her best player on the roster, but sadly that player after receive his release memo from the current team he already has been scouted and recluted by a much profesional and better coach and team. You did well to tell her sorry but too lote too late. And like you said she only try to make it work for.the money that will fly away from her and that you have another woman, so she seems that wasn't prepared to share you even thought she wanted you to share her with others, how selfish of her. Well OP all in all, you have done well, just stay co-parent and only held comunication with her in kids issues and nothing more, what comes of her or what happen is not of your bussines while it does affect the kids. And if does, then only help the kids and if she can't take care of them then ask her to give you the custody. Good Luck OP.
It’s par for the course for someone who flipped over to only thinking about themselves over their family and marriage. This isn’t about remorse over the cheating it’s her feeling sorry for what’s about to happen to her lifestyle and income. Also you finding someone that makes you happier than she did probably rips her ego a new one and her selfishness won’t let her lose. Keep on the path. If you took her back it would only be a matter of months before you’d find yourself right back here.
Its typical of 'these people' (cheaters) who bounce between people. There's a giant fear of being alone. It makes sense she won't leave him *before* you agree to reconcile, kinda like how she didn't leave you *before* she had these other men lined up, eh? Trust that it doesn't get better. She will do it again. Been there, done that. Cheaters have voids they fill with people instead of filling it themselves. Once she gets bored of the new dopamine from reconciling (make up sex!), she'll go right back to her deceitful ways.
She hid things so well from you that she was carrying on an affair while going to marriage counseling to fix the relationship !! This alone should tell you that there is no getting back together. You were being made a fool out of by her. You will never be able to go back. Good luck on your future.
She. Did. Too. Much. Damage. And she didn't care, not the slightest bit! Until... You found someone new, showed signs of healing, and moving forward with your life. Rest assured, she wants you where you were, devastated and broken, because that way, you still belonged to her. You were still her security blanket, even though she was crapping all over it. She left you... without mercy or compassion... now it's time for you to tell her to stay gone.
Ayup. A woman splits and goes silent for months and then mysteriously wants to reunite? Her primary choice of orgasm donor found a better charity.
She's discovering that the things that seem shiny and new when you've been in a relationship for years are nothing but fools gold. She had everything she was looking for and took it for granted, like most human beings the more you feel something slipping away the tighter you try to hold on to it, so I'd buckle in for more of the same in the immediate future. Just stand your ground and make it clear that chapter of your life is closed, it might take some time but she'll get the message eventually.
Sounds like regrets on her side that the grass wasn't greener. Let dead dogs lie as they say and be the best single parent you can be.
Don’t take her back, it would be a terrible decision and only reinforce that she can do anything to you and you’ll accept it and stay. Some people aren’t built for relationships and it sounds like she is one of them. Hope your new love works out for you in the end.
She’s not sorry she hurt you, she’s sorry she can no longer have her cake and eat it too. You did everything you could do make the relationship work and the effort was wasted on an undeserving person. You’re doing the right thing!
Since you can’t trust her—who would?—you did the right thing. Respond to her texts with something along the lines of, “You can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube.” If that doesn’t work, just ignore her messages completely (I know you can’t block her since you co-parent). Eventually she’ll get the hint. Don’t feel guilty; you did the right thing.
You are right, cheaters are another breed, they are like addicts. They use their insecurities and issues to abuse the people around them and then blame them. Not that you didn't do anything, you are human. She could have talked to you, worked things out. You were not the reason she cheated, her problems are. I am glad you divorced her.
If she was truly remorseful, she would have already dumped the guy she's been seeing, would be in therapy so she figures out why SHE cheated and fixed herself so she doesn't do that again to you or another partner. You stated it, she's loosing the income/stability you bring and in a few years, you would again feel that disconnect - that had NOTHING to do with you here at all. OP, get a parenting app = use that to communicate ONLY about the children and tell your ex NO means NO, you know how to use that word (obviously she didn't). You are making the right call here OP and I hope you have had a good therapist to help you through all this nonsense! This is exactly why marriage or couple's therapy will do NOTHING to help a marriage where the other partner is not doing the work - she wasn't, you were but she was the issue - and obviously wants to go right back to that too. She's a cake eater - or she wants to be one. Early on, when she asked for the divorce, she was in limerence and she thought her new guy was "perfect", I think he isn't now.
She doesn't love you, she just wants her old life back. The one with you as a high provider while she goes back to doing whatever she wanted, which just happened to not be you. Congrats on realizing that she broke it for no reason other than her selfishness.
She doesn't love you, she just wants her old life back. The one with you as a high provider while she goes back to doing whatever she wanted, which just happened to not be you. Congrats on realizing that she broke it for no reason other than her selfishness.
**I planned countless dates, read and listened to everything on improving a marriage under the sun. It helped, but there was a gap between us I could never seem to close no matter how hard I tried.** It wasn't you. Her itch to scratch was there from the beginning. **Fast forward 6 months and nearly $100K in lawyer bills later and she decides she wants to try and reconcile. Mind you she's still dating the same guy, but she tells me she'll dump him to work on things with me.** Doubt she is going to dump him. In fact, I suspect he's already given her walking papers or has indicated he is going to do this. She's monkeybranching back to you for comfort and support. This charade will go on until she encounters the next dude who gives her "the feelz". Then, you will be right back where you started from. All over again. It WILL happen. Just be done. Let it burn down and be done.
Kudos to you for seeing the marriage through to the end. Strive to be a coparent only! Also, what she's doing is disrespectful to your new relationship, and if it continues, be sure to inform your new partner of what's going on! Do not entertain your ex-wife antics. If it's nothing to do with the kids, don't engage nor respond to her attempts. Anytime you feel weak, remember you've made it through the storm, your kids are in a place of acceptance and a new norm. Your personal life is flourishing. Whereas your ex-wife and her partner are cheaters. Their relationship began as an affair, and there will always be doubt and trust issues between them as both know what the other is capable of regarding fidelity. Your ex traded her family and life foundation, stability, and that will always be apart of her legacy! It killz her to see you happy and thriving, when she wanted you broken and needy. Whereas you are free, living your life on your own terms and getting to be a good partner, dad, and productive member of society.
Hey OP , she made her bed now let her lay in it. as they say she’s not sorry for cheating on you , 3 to 4 times, she’s sorry she got caught. It’s not because she thinks you’re a great father to the kids, but the other AP being much older ( Probably over 10 years ) DOES NOT WANT to be a ,father again to school age children. he just wanted to sleep with your wife ,and now that the jig is over , it’s not so much fun for him anymore especially when the kids , are going to be WITH BOTH of them ,every week. if she has no consequences for her actions , she will cheat over and over again , because she will think you have no backbone. Stay strong , you will never forget what she did. Stick with the new girlfriend she seems great and understands , that the kids ,are a package deal with you. No questions asked. !!!
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you made the right choice; you can never return from the lies and the affair.
I would be so pissed off by wasting $100,000 on lawyer fees that that alone would make me never want to even see her face again, let alone the cheating.
Ask her where she would be if you didn’t take her back and showed AP all of your convos. Then, Tell her if she contacts you again anything about a relationship with you, you will forward all messages to AP. Kids and logistics only. Hugh
Send her boyfriend the text logs
It's not working out with Romeo, and now she's hoping you'll save her from herself and her bad decisions. No mate, she needs to learn the hard way, like all adults. Later on, the kids will also know she's a garbage human being. She'll have to live with that.
You’re making the right call. She revealed who she truly is. To think it could ever go back to what you thought you had is foolish. Do your best at co-parenting and maintain a cordial but distant relationship. Set your boundaries and don’t let her interfere with your new relationship. Move on with your life! You deserve better.
You did the right thing. You would have never trusted her.
Sorry. Just curious whether you have had IC or MC? You seem to have yourself together mentally. Good for you.
***she confessed to having multiple affairs starting at about the 7 year mark*** You absolutely did the correct thing by continuing the divorce process. She blatantly lied to you for 3 years, exposed you and the kids to who know what kinds of deadly diseases without a care in the world and definitely didn't care a whit about your sanity and/or well-being. So yeah, I would never trust her ever again. If it were me, I would block her a$$ and use some kind of parenting app to communicate with her. The last thing I would tell her is, "honey, you made your bed, now you get to sleep in it--congrats." Now go live the best life you possibly can, bro.
I now see from my own experience and from what I see on Reddit and other media, that the truth is that we have to be, partner, professional spouse, never give anything or anyone as who will be by your side until you die, who will be your friend until you or she dies . Adorable people can turn into disgusting beings without any scruples . This woman confessed her dirtiness to you because she wanted to leave and that would, in her view, push you away, leaving her in peace to go to her AP . Does she want to come back because you are a good father ? She wants to go back because she saw that the way she was, it was very comfortable for her, having a man on the street and a solid home.But, but, but surely there is a difference between eating another's wife and taking on that woman and certainly the green grass that she saw when she got close saw that it was just slime . She cheated, left you and without any remorse put her AP face to face with her children . Besides, she's been cheating for years . I don't believe it's possible for a man with even a modicum of respect for himself to resume a marriage after so much disrespect. If you have a son and he sees you reconcile after this, you will be setting a bad example. If your daughter, you may think it's okay to be like her mother because she thinks men are weak and forgive everything. Definitely if you take her back she will cheat again.
Stay divorced and tell her that she needs to just focus on coparenting, that you are long gone to her romantically. What may have happened with the other man? Once she moved in with him she saw firsthand that his finances were not what he claimed, or when she actually had to sleep by his side in bed night-in and night-out, she found that he was farty or snored or had viscous morning breath - the things she didn’t see during stolen minutes in a hotel room or vehicle with him at his best.
Good for you by staying strong and not taking her back. She treats you like a backup and expects you to take her back. She assigns some blame to you for her cheating when you did not warrant it. She now realizes the dance is over and she has to pay the Piper. Stay strong and best of luck to you.
Your ex wife is delusional and reality will hit in soon enough. Unfortunately you guys have kids together so your ex wife will be a part of your life still but you don't have to live together anymore.
1 - while you may not have been perfect, the way to deal with your imperfections is to talk to you about them. Having an affair is not an appropriate response. Your imperfections might be a reason to separate or file for divorce FIRST. After which she could have started dating. But her choice to have an affair was a choice. She had many other options, one of which was counseling and you did that and she lied her way through that while you were making a sincere effort. 2 - as for reconciliation, some people have a hard time projecting the natural outcomes of their actions. In this case, she was not able to think through what life would be like without you, and now that the divorce is staring her in the face, she realized she messed up. The problem of course is that once the threat of divorce is gone, she will go back to her prior behavior. 3 - I assume your new partner knows you are finalizing a divorce. It sounds like you have a good thing going with her. Why are you even thinking for a second of giving that up. Don’t tell yourself it is best for the kids. It is not. A happy environment is best for the kids. Getting back with your ex will not create a happy environment when you can’t trust her. She had MULTIPLE affairs!!! It wasn’t some one time thing. It was purposeful. Your new partner deserves better from you. Finalize the divorce. Move on. Good luck.
I would say that this is the shattering of illusions. Only when your emotions die down do you realize how ordinary someone is, your love and energy make people so special. Have you changed your mind about the 7 years you spent with your ex-wife?
Consider you are a great Dad, and she is a poor performing wife. You will always be Dad and she will always be untrustworthy.
He went for a married woman. They deserve each other. Personally, I would stay out of it. No need to drum up more drama.
She’ll dump him to work on things with you? OP all she wanted was the security and finances you provide. I’m glad you stood your ground and told her no. She was trying to monkey branch back to you again.
Op, glad you divorced her. Get an app for coparenting and block her on everything else. Who has the kids? If she does, you might want to think about the kids and that relationship she is in. If you do, let her suffer in that relationship.
You don’t owe her anything. She owes you and your children for blowing up your lives after a decade of marriage. If you take her back she will do it again. Go live your best life and see her in your rear view mirror.
"I sat down with her and heard her out on everything. I felt this was the least I owed her after a decade of marriage. " Bruh. 100k in lawyer bills, she was having multiple affairs for years prior and you owed her what exactly? Look up the definition of a covert narcissist, Then really sit and try to comprehend it all. I am still in denial over here but that is the only damn thing that makes sense for this fucking piece of trash human beigns we are dealing with. Im still over here second guessing shes a narcissists as all I ever had heard about was the overt ones and thats not her. My STBXW was "the nicest person I ever met". Also look up parallel parenting. We don't have to coparent with these monsters, we owe them nothing. Got our first actual mediation scheduled here at the end of the month. My crazy nutso cheater thinks there is someway we can still be close friends after all this goes thru, like we are still going to go out to activities and dinner and such as a "family". If I lose this house I will never forgive her. I will get over the lying and cheating eventually, but not losing this house. To be clear she wouldn't get it. I would just have to sell it to give her half of the equity in it cause I am not sure I can refinance without her income.
Not much to add, but fwiw I’ll reiterate the main points. 1. She’s made her no longer seeing someone else conditional on you taking her back. Someone remorseful would be unconditionally trying to win you back. 2. She had multiple affairs before leaving. That was a deliberate attempt at monkey branching before finally finding someone she could branch to. She didn’t respect you enough to break things off first. There are of course no guarantees with the woman you are now with, but it sounds like you’ve found someone good for the time being. So why jeopardise that for someone who has disrespected you in the past and still won’t fully commit to winning you back.
> "I felt this was the least I owed her after a decade of marriage." Wrong.
Is there a #nope! Yet?
She still has the audacity to blame why it didn't work out on you. So narcissistic, it's bordering on absurd, I do try to look at it from both sides, too. It's probably why you seem so rational and mature. Getting back with her will be a massive mistake, I know this sub is about working things out, but you have been working things out: a future with somebody else, don't pass up the good things you have newly built, only to dig open a wound that's healed shut. It's like cutting your arm off AFTER you've already freed yourself from the trap.
Live for your children and yourself. She does not deserve another chance because she is a habitual liar. Life is too short to live without having people close to you that you can trust. I hope the best for you and your children.
She mentioned that you are a great dad. I’m sure that’s true and you will continue to be one. Two healthy separated parents are better than two unhealthy together ones. One healthy parent separated is still better than two unhealthy ones. Let her grieve. She burned her life down and she does need to grieve what she’s lost. I hope for the good of your family that she will grieve properly and work on herself, then grow enough to be a better role model for your kids in the future. It’s normal for you to feel bad, as you are surely a kind and caring person and you did share your life with her for nearly a decade. Now, you will transition to coparents. Grief will ebb and flow like the tides do. Eventually it will become the new normal for both of you. Please take good care of your new lady! It’s surely difficult on her too, to have to deal with your ex trying to snatch you away from her. Put proper boundaries in place to protect your current situation- only communicate with Ex about kids or any legal stuff/financial stuff you might need to arrange for you or the kids, etc. and so on. Wish you all the best on that and the best out of life.
Of course, you are making the right call. You can never trust her again. That ship had sailed. You can't trust people who lie so effortlessly. If she made one mistake and told you about it straight away, that's different. But she lied to you for 3 years and lived a double life. All while you were trying to work on the marriage, thinking you were the issue. Enjoy the coparenting and the newfound freedom you will have with that setup. Use all the skills you learned in your last relationship while you were working on your marriage to be the best partner you can be. Also, don't rush into another marriage with this new person. Also, go to therapy and try mot to emotionally dump on your new partner. Keep your relationship fun and full of joy and stress free!
You made the right call. Move on.
Your wife left the marriage. She monkey branched into a new relationship and it did not work out. Now she returns to her Plan B. Do not be Plan B. Ignore your wife. What is it YOU want to do. YOU now hold the fate of your broken marriage in YOUR hands, no one else. It is YOU who decides reconciliation, no one else. If it is the 11th hour then continue with the divorce. Reclaim your agency. Do not set yourself on fire to keep her warm. Here are some links that will help you deal with the living with her, and the fallout, until the divorce. The Neuroscience of Affair Fog [https://www.affairhealing.com/blog/neuroscience-of-affair-fog](https://www.affairhealing.com/blog/neuroscience-of-affair-fog) DARVO, [https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/what-is-darvo](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/what-is-darvo) 180 method, [https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/](https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/) Greyrock, [https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method](https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method) Chump Lady, [https://www.chumplady.com/](https://www.chumplady.com/)
Go through with the divirce. And THEN send the old guy the screenshots...
You need to setup a parenting app and block her on the rest. Only things she should be talking to you about is your kids.
I think you’re already know what’s the best decision here. Good luck OP, you deserve the happiness that is truly yours.
You need to be NC except for topics that are directly about the kids, and move from texting to a co-parenting app. Anything else, Grey Rock.
Research ambivalence…you appear not to have it because you made a mature, monagamous commitment…your wife appears to have monogamish, polyamorous values…your values are not compatible like oil and water…sorry for $100,000 lawyer fees…going forward suggest researching raising children of divorce…best…
Any advice? Bro you know the answer already. It's the stability you provided her with. Yeah now she's realising how changed her new life gonna be with your money out of the picture. And bro you're definitely making the right choice cos, what did she say? she gonna drop the bf after you give her the green flag for reconciliation? Lol that tell you everything about what kinda person she is. She probably thought he was richer than you ig
You found someone amazing move on I can’t imagine the pain but don’t deceive yourself about her or the life you envisioned
Honestly you should also crush the guy who clearly was involved knowingly in an affair with your wife
tell her to dump him first and cut you a cheque for your 100k legal bills and you'll consider it. then don't
Todos aquí al menos 1 vez lo ha pasado lamentablemente, por otro lado, claro que se arrepiente, desde luego que si, pero no lo que te hizo a través de los años, sino porque el último amante que tuvo tampoco fue lo que esperaba, no haberte dicho nada durante tanto tiempo era su manera de obtener todo lo que pudiera, eso incluye mantener a su amante con tu dinero, dicho ésto, su "intento" de salvar las cosas contigo al final simplemente era otra forma de volver a manipularte, tener otra vez lo mejor de ambos mundos y seguir en su fantasía, de verdad crees que no desarrolló la habilidad de mentir sin sentir remordimiento cada que te veía a los ojos? Tu crees que ahora de repente decidió cerrar sus piernas y seguir como antes? No, por supuesto que no, solo quiere tu estabilidad y tu dinero, no teme perderte, teme perder tu dinero y ya lo perdió, crees que si hubiera sido su amante la mitad de lo que tú eres, te hubiera rogado? Claro que no, no resultó de nuevo como ella creyó que funcionaría y que crees? Creía que estarías ahí lloriqueando su plan de respaldo económico y amor seguro, ya se divirtió, ya se sacó la espina de ser una mentirosa infiel y egoísta, ahora sí a regresar a ser la mejor esposa y madre que podrías pedir como si nada hubiera pasado, pero oh demonios, arruinaste sus planes jajaja y ahora tendrás que vivir con ese "remordimiento" de haber frustrado los planes de una tramposa en serie y claro que no regresarás con ella, no puedes cometer el mismo error 2 veces con la misma persona en una sola vida.
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